Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - People Changes w/ Duncan Trussell | Your Mom's House Ep. 871

Episode Date: August 5, 2026

I want to talk about divorce. Christina P holds down the Mommy Dome with Duncan Trussell for the heaviest episode in show history, the divorce episode. Christina addresses it head-on: yes, she and Tom are divorcing after 20 years, no, you don't need to pick teams, and yes, Mommy is ripping darts, drinking wine, and surviving on one Domino's thin crust a day. From there she and Duncan spiral through cancer, TMZ breaking the story while she was in a London pub with Ari Shaffir, and Duncan's own jaw-dropping family divorce story involving a priest and a jammed shotgun. Then they unpack the International Dick Alert and open some DMs: the guy sending "hey" with one extra Y each time, a Puerto Rican gentleman with a generous offer, the PetSmart employee confusing ferrets and flashlights, aquarium romantic Yung Tang Tang, a Brit promising to beat her vaginal fluid into firm egg whites, and a poly couple charging a $250,000 application fee. A suitor hotline is also officially in the works. They also hit Burning Man hygiene, spray tan confessions, and a trip down memory lane through an 80s divorce boom including latchkey summers, dads' apartment complexes, frozen hot dogs, dancing with sailors at the Beef and Barrel, and the porn tapes that raised them. Too late for you, too late for the lamb. Your Mom’s House Ep. 871 https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://christinap.com/https://store.ymhstudios.comhttps://www.reddit.com/r/yourmomshousepodcast Chapters 00:00:00 - Emotional Intro00:04:55 - Opening Clip: Bobby Lee Swoops In00:13:52 - The TMZ International Dick Alert00:19:31 - The Shadow Of Divorce Trauma00:30:05 - Duncan's Parents, the Priest & the Shotgun00:42:38 - What's Real: Grief, Friends & Love00:59:07 - Single Gal Questions, Horny Hotline, & Reading DM's01:15:48 - Pet Smart Ferret Guy & More Suitors01:39:06 - Christina's Curations02:03:10 - Self Pleasure In Spray Tan Booth02:07:11 - Old School Porn At Dad's Place02:17:57 - Latchkey Kids02:27:37 - Trauma Bonding02:33:51 - Final Thoughts Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome, welcome, welcome to your mom's house. Well, well, well, welcome to your mom's house. I'm Christina P. And with me is Duncan Tressel today. Hi. Thank you. Anything new? What's going on?

Just anything at all? You know, usual stuff. What about you? Anything going on? No, no, not in the sleight. Everything's totally just the same as it's always, bad. It's summer. Listen, listen, I did want to talk to you, Duncan.

I mean, Duncan, you may have noticed that Tom and I have not been podcasting together for the last few months. Yeah, I'm wondering about that. And you may have seen some stories. I thought it was bullshit. That was misinformation. Clearly. But I just wanted to let you know, and the other staff members here, that the rumor are true that your daddy and I are divorcing,

but it's not your fault, and it's not your fault, guys, in the booth, and that we still love each other very much. We're just going to live in separate homes, but we're still your mommies. You were bringing up serious divorce PTSD from when I was 10, Christina. It is brutal. Girl. You all right?

How are you doing? Yeah, I mean, look, I just want to formally address it the audience. Yes, Tom and I are divorcing and it is extremely sad. It's, sorry. I don't know if I was going to cry this soon. It is very sad. That being said, we have tried to work it out for several years for the sake of our children and our family, and we gave it all we could, but we just couldn't work things out. We are no longer a couple, but we make the children a priority.

And, you know, look, we had 20 amazing years together, and that's a really good run, I think, in a marriage, 20 years together, and we had a very successful marriage. We created this. We have comedy careers. We most importantly created a family.

But I wanted to address the audience specifically because we've been through a lot together. For those of you that have listened to us since the very beginning, we've been through Tom and I getting married and living in Silver Lake and being two broke comics. We've been through births and deaths, tragic accidents, cancer, COVID. all the things. And I want you to know that I'm still your mom and I'm still here and we will survive. We will get through this bullshit like we have gotten through everything else in life. This is just an unfortunate thing. But we're going to be okay. Tom and I are just so everybody knows. Like we are amicable. This is not an ugly divorce. Like we're cool, dude. It's been 20 fucking. years and we met in our 20s. Like we met as kids. So, you know, people changes. It's just one of those things. And I just also want to say to people who are, because I haven't really looked at social media, but from what I've understood, some people are taking teams like Team Christina or Team Tom. Please don't do that. There's no need to do it, number one, because Tom and I

do not hate each other. We have a family. And yeah, you don't need to take teams. He's going to host the show when he can because he's filming a lot of films and television right now and I'm going to host the show. And we're still going to have a good fucking time because we ain't dead yet, right, Duncan Trousel. That's right.

And you know some fucking cancer couldn't kill me? No. You think a dude's going to fucking take me out? No. That's what's that, bitch. Boom. So there you go. It's out.

It's out and I feel free because I, you know, it's been, you know, it's been some time coming. And I hate, I hate not being transparent. Can I plug my dates? That was amazing. That was amazing. What you just did was amazing. Stop. I'm embarrassed.

You shouldn't be. No, I'm going to regroup. Let me, let's just start with the opening. clip. This is well done. Thanks. And I go he's looking good. He's in gray shape. He's running Gucci everywhere.

He's got Rolex's Porsche's. He smells different. I would swoop in on Christina if that happened. Holy shit is my auntie. Don't bring anyone loving to this. Your mom where to fucking stand? Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura.

And Christina Pajitzen. Welcome to your mom's house. We're getting whipped because it's the divorce episode. Oh my God. Fuck it. My life is a garbage fire. Let's smoke some cigarettes and get drunk and eat dominions. Who gives a shit?

Pizza. Pizza. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. Wow. By the way, what a relief to finally be like, yeah, I started smoking again because I'm getting a fucking divorce. Yeah.

You're allowed. And I'm allowed because I'm in your vicinity. That's right. Can I use your lighter there? Well, I want to tell you guys, my, you know, people have been really supportive and that's really great. And they're like, you should just take care of yourself. You guys take care of yourself.

And I'm like, yeah, I wait. I take Prozac. I eat one dominoes thin crust pizza a day, a supreme one. I drink wine and then I rip darts. That's my diet. Perfect. But I've lost like 10 pounds. It's been really good.

Grief. That's grief Zimpic. Oh, it's cheaper. Divorce is cheaper than O Zempe. Oh, yeah, it is. This is nature's weight law. Nature's AIDS. Oh, God.

It's just, I mean, these two things intersect. in your life. I know. Cancer and divorce. Bro. And like how long was it three years? This is like a three year span to go through like

the most horrific shit. Yeah. People are like moving's hard. That's the hardest thing you'll ever do. Shut the fuck up. Try getting your ball chopped off. Well, I will tell you. I mean, you understand.

Listen, and also the reason I wanted you here specifically today is like, I mean, you're You're my family. Like literally, literally, I'm the godmother of your four children. And the trussles have been there. Fuck, I'm going to cry again. Cry. I know. I was just, you guys have really been there for me, and I just want to, like, thank you. And, like, you guys were there for, like, one of the hardest days that I had to deal with.

And I'll never, I'll never forget that. Like, Duncan was there and Aaron, and it was, like, my birthday dinner. and I was just like losing my shit. And Aaron and I were like, Duncan, go get cigarettes. That's right, you sippy out. I sent you out for smokes. And I was like, I'm so grateful that you guys were there at that point because, yeah. Well, you're a family. Yeah, truly.

Like, we're family. I know. I love you. I know. And I love them. And I'm happy that you're here for this. And I'm honored that you invited me in. I mean, this is a very.

This is an intense episode, huh? This is... Yeah, mom's drinking and smoking on this episode. I haven't done that in a while. Well, I've smoked, not drinking alcohol in a while. Yeah. I mean, just that, you know, you knew that you were going to have to do this. Eventually.

Eventually. And here it is. Thank you. My makeup's all fucked up now. Okay. I mean, you... Yeah. I am actually amazed at how you're holding it together.

Really? Oh, yeah. Yeah, totally. I mean, these things are, these are, these are, you, you're getting these, like, if you want to, like, and maybe it's spiritual bypass to convert it into some kind of spiritual analysis. That's why you're here, dude. But if you look at the two great, what you're being taught right now from the universe is one of the hardest lessons and the most difficult things to learn, which is change. The reality of change. Nobody wants to, we all know change happens, but when you get the extreme changes like this, it's like this bubble pops, like this bubble where, and now you're living in reality as it is, versus just some kind of fantasy world.

Well, and the reality that I had for most of my adult life is different now, and what's that going to look like? Two decades. Bro, I mean, look, and I love, Tom and I will love him forever. He's the father of my children and I learned so much from him. Yeah. And, you know, we grew up together. Yeah. And also you guys, the audience have grown up with us. You know, you grew up with somebody and then people changes. Yeah. They just changes. What are you going to do? Everybody changes. I changed tremendously after having cancer. Yeah. I mean, I had a total awakening. I completely

really aligned everything inside of me emotionally, spiritually, physically I'm rearranged. Yeah. You know? And yeah, it is a lot to go through at once. And it feels surreal. Like I don't even think it feels, it's not even real yet. Like, even talking about this right now, I'm like, am I really on the podcast right now? Is it a dream?

Yeah. Is there some kind of terrible dream you're going to wake up from? Like, what the fuck I was doing some podcast of that asshole talking about divorce? I know. And I, you know, nobody gets married thinking they're going to get a divorce. And Tom and I had no intention of it, clearly. Oh, I was there. I remember when I came to your place, there's the first time I did YMH.

He was, he had like, so got a weightlifting set. Outside. And in Redondo. Yeah. Just this little table. And then you guys, it just exploded into this one of the top podcasts. It was awesome. Yeah.

What a fun ride. And like, you know, and I give credit to Tom. Actually, it starts with Joe because Joe suggested to Tom we should start a podcast. He's like, oh, I saw your wife at the comedy store. If she's funny, you guys should do a show to get a podcast. And then Tom came home and he goes, we should do a podcast. That's cool. And I go, what's a podcast?

And, you know, God love him. He went and bought like a soundboard, like the first rinky dinky soundboard, two microphones. And if you go, it's on YouTube, I think the early days in Silver Lake. and we're newlyweds and we're poor. We got married with 200 bucks between us. Yeah. And just trying to make it in show business. And we fucking did.

And it was miraculous. We have a beautiful family. We have a beautiful life. That's right. And it's okay. Nothing lasts forever. 20 years is a long time. Oh my God.

To be with somebody. It is insane. That statistically improbable. I know. Well, how long are people usually? Oh, that's the way. like the first one with Red Band. So this is like this is like the first episode.

Look at that. This is episode number one. Shut up. So this is a Red Band used to have a house in Burbank and here's Tommy Knight sitting on his sweaty ass couch. I remember the house. No AC. He couldn't run the AC unit because it was too loud.

It would interfere with sound. And we're just talking about, I remember we talked about LSD and you know everything. And look at us. So young. I was maybe 32. Yeah, look at young Red Van. Everyone's so young. I know. But it feels like that was yesterday. I know. I know. Just how quickly time moves. It feels like just yesterday. Like time doesn't exist or something. And look at those pixies vans. Those are my most favorite shoes.

That's so good. Yeah, he's got his cat back there, the Red Band cat. That's his signature. Weirdly, Bobby Lee has the same cat. Oh, we didn't even talk about my new, my potential suitor. I mean, I'm sure one of many, right? Listen, let me, hold on, let me play this other thing from Bobby before we go on. He submitted this video. Hello, and good evening. Tonight, my most gracious sister will be making me round. Have a good day.

Wow. Yeah, it's really nice, right? It's flattering. Yeah. Let's see, but here's a deal. I got to be honest, too. like it's not my priority clearly like my priority is my sanity and my children

at the moment but that TMZ article dropping was like an international dick alert and I was flooded with like every dick like an arrow alert for dicks

who Pishitsky single and you know I have to say it is flattering I have barely yeah no I'm not fucking there yet. It's got to be a jungle of dicks in your DMs. Dude. Yeah. I mean, I didn't, okay, actually, that's not true. I did know that Bobby Lee liked me because I'll tell you a little story about

he and I like a million years ago. The very first time I ever did stand up was in the belly room at the comedy storm. And I was so fucking nervous. You know that first set where you're like, I'm going to die. Today's the day I'm going to die. And I was taking shits. Like I had so many diarrhea shit. It's like that whole day. You just shit all day to your first set. It actually the first seven years I had diarrhea. Anyway. Still have that. So I was sitting on the couch in the green room and in comes Bobby Lee and he sits down next to me and he starts like trying to chat me up. You know, he's like, oh hey, what did you have? I was up. And I'm like, I'm so sorry. I had to tell him like, I'm so nervous. I have to go take a shit right now. And he was like, that's okay.

Like he was so sweet. Yeah. So I do have a soft spot. for Bobby Lee, but let's see the whole context. Yeah, let's check it out. I want to know how strong of an offer this really is. Let's look. I bet it's strong. Really? Yeah, because I know that she's dated Asians before.

Two. Oh, she has that fucking little fucking thing. She likes a little something. She's like the yellow one. I think they were like, no offense, but I think they were like, they were like gentrified Asians. What do you mean? I think they were like regular, like more accessible Asian. No, no, no, no, Bobby.

Bobby, Bobby, you're like, you're like... I'm the rice guy, I carry the rice in the field. No, no, no, you're more like food truck Asian. Yeah. They were like... They were more like... Like a chef. No, they were like corner office Asian.

Yeah, but I'm more like Roy Choi. Like I have my own like... Oh, yeah, he owns a food truck. Yeah. He owns a food truck. Yeah, you are Roy Troy. Yeah, you are Roy Troy. No, that's what I was saying.

I agree with you. Like I have one called coconut cupcakes. Soyboy, you're soy boy. Soy boy. Sooy coconut cupcakes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no, no, I agree with you. Still cool.

I agree with you. I agree with you. Okay. Here's the deal. She's not going to fuck you, man. It's definitely not happening. You're fishing. She's not going to fuck you.

If Tom cheated on her and she was single, no. I think I could swoop in, do like a fucking little bird. Absolutely not. Little bird. No, no, no, no, no. That was phenomenal.

Oh, is that true? Well, so here's what's true. I have dated one Asian. I don't know where they got two Asians from. And like, I almost married the Asian guy before Tom. But, you know, that didn't happen. But yeah, I mean, look, I'm, I don't have a type. Like, do you have a physical?

No. I don't kind of believe in that. Yeah. No, I don't have a type. It's the person. It's the whole person. Right. Yeah, the type, that's kind of weird, isn't it?

Because it's like the type thing, like with the physical appearance. Yeah. That becomes irrelevant at some point. So fast. So fast. Because you've, sure, you've dated, like, really attractive. of zeros and after a while you're like, you suck. Like your brain.

It's incredible how dangerous symmetry can be because you know what I mean? Like anyone could be under that beautiful symmetry. Anything could be under that, you know? And also like you were saying people fucking change. Yeah. That's the main point here. Yeah. Is like people reincarnate during a lifetime.

And absolutely. Suddenly you're like with somebody who is. just starting a new incarnation, and it's not the person that, that person seems to have died. Yes. It's very, it's fascinating. Well, that's so true, because I don't think I'm the same person I was five years ago with everything that's happened to me or even cellularly. Don't we regenerate every cell every seven years in our body?

I don't know. It's like probably not true. Someone told me that once. It's true. Of course. I mean, we've known comics. Like, remember Ari when he was a dick? Oh, yeah.

He sucked. Like 20 years ago, he was such a dick. Yeah, he went through a poisonous phase. I remember poisonous Ari. Yeah. Versus wonderful Ari. It just happens. I mean, raising kids.

That changes you. When you watch your child's personality change over the course of a year into like sometimes a great person, sometimes what appears to be some kind of hell race. You know, you see how a transient identity is. Yeah. To mention physical form. I know. Wild. It is wild.

Yeah. Well, also shout out to Ari because when I was in England, Anne Francis Foster, I was in a pub in London when that TMZ article broke. And I was so grateful to be with friends. Like, what are the chances that A, I was out of the country? Fucking great. And be amongst like old friends. Like a real friend, like Ari's been in our lives forever. Forever.

And now he's awesome. He's not a shithead anymore. No. And it was like the best company to have. And I just, I really appreciate Ari being there. Okay. So you're in Europe. I'm in Europe.

These are the kinds of things that do make me wonder about reality or do make things seem unreal, which is what are the odds that somehow you'd be out of the country, thank God. Thank God. With a comedian who's we've been with forever. Yeah. I mean, all these things. The synchronicities there are crazy.

I know. Yeah. But it's like it does feel that way that I being divinely got, you know, it's, it, there's all, there's always rhyme and reason to these things. And I'm telling you, I know it after cancer. I, and I had my like, awakening and everything. I was like, my life is about to fucking change. Something is a brewing.

This is a huge realignment. Yeah. And it is. And it sucks. It fucking sucks. I mean, these have probably been the darkest years. The last three years have been the darkest years in my life. Yeah.

I mean, you went through cancer. Yeah. I went through cancer. My mom kicked the bucket. Yeah. All these things just sort of piled on top of each other to the point where you just become strangely optimistic, not because stuff is so dark, but because there does seem to be some kind of divine plan.

Apparently, at this point in your life, you are really. ready to learn these things. And so they come to you and you, you learn them and or you don't. And then you repeat the thing. And you repeat. Yeah, you repeat. I'm in that place of, of, of reinventing myself or reassessing myself where you're like, okay, I said, what happened the last 20 years? Okay, this was good, this was good. Well, how did, how did things go sideways? And you, you look at your part in the relationship and you do an autopsy and you're like, okay, I can see that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And how do I not want to proceed the next 20 years? Right. It's hard. It's the, it's the work of being human and like, I know that I was given this crazy life for a reason and I'll make, I'll make sense of it. I'll make something good of it, you know,

because I'm not going to fucking lay down and just die it. Valley of the Shadow of Death. Yeah. You're in the valley of the shadow of death. Is that what it is? Well, it's the bardo. In Tibetan Buddhism, and also what you just described, by the way, what you just said is exactly what people who have near-death experiences. That happens to them.

Life review. It's clearly, you've died. Like, a death has happened. Yes, 100%. Obviously, you haven't physically died. But this is death. This is an ending. You know, when a relationship ends, I had a therapist to explain this to me.

Please. So when there's a relationship, a third entity appears. To a couple creates like a third, not a literal entity, but there's a being, a sort of a quality that is formed from the relationship. This is a living spirit that is there. So when a relationship ends, that thing, does. dies. It perishes. So it is grief. It is the death of this, that thing that, you know, as my therapist said, that won't ever appear, that only appears between two people. It'll never appear again.

It could be a different thing or a better thing, but that thing, gone. And so, so that is grief. And that is death. And then you have to go through that, which is the value, I think that's why they call it the valley of the shadow of death. Because you're, when my mom died, it was like, a shadow was over everything. Everything was darker. Everything was when I had cancer, a shadow. Yeah. And so, yeah, that's the bardo, the in between the backrooms, in between phases of your life. It's just this in-between place that you find yourself. And it's, the way you react to it, you could, the way you're reacting to it is incredible. You're, you're keeping, sure, you're eating pizza and smoking or whatever. every day.

Give me a break. I know, I could be doing much worse, but I'm a mom. I gotta hold my shit together. That's right. I can't like have a nervous breakdown for, I do it.

I, you know, I would cry when the kids were at school or, you know, Tom takes them and I have my tears when I'm not being a mother. But you're right, it's grieving.

It's grief. And, but what a wonderful space Tom and I were able to create for 20 years. And a lot of it is this was a huge part of our relationship because this was actually what we did in private is have these funny little dumb conversations

and what if we just talked about farting and weird stuff on a show? And then it just kind of snowball. But we had a wonderful world for many years together. So fun and so silly and just, yeah. I mean, I got nothing but great memories. Pregenitive, all these things grew out of it. I mean, you know, not just this show

or his show but look at all the shows on this pocket like all of these like just it created all these sparks and it's so beautiful that's so beautiful and those are those aren't dead those are still around

you know and I don't know maybe I'm being a little too severe and the whole death thing I mean but I that's how I look at like you know anytime a relationship ends or it's just it's like It's so strange. It's like you're sharing this dream together. Yeah. And then suddenly you go into different dreams. Yeah.

different universes. I know. So trippy. It's such it is wild like we we managed to like we vacation together with our children in London. We're not at each other. Like we are still a family in many regards. Like he and I have such a good rapport from being the other for 20 years like there's no you know I he's he's my family. He's always going to be my family. Yep. But um I did like one time I looked over at him and I was like oh that's so weird like you're not my husband anymore. And for 20 years, you've been calling somebody this title and this being and this light. And then just like one day you decide no more. And you're like, your brain can't.

No. You can't even understand the change. It's so severe. Well, aren't you neurologically wired? I'm sorry to cut you off. No. Aren't you when you're like, doesn't your brain actually sort of like neurons make connections? Like there's a physiological component to have.

a relationship. So when you lose someone, whether through divorce or they pass away, your brain's still wired for that other reality. Yes. Maybe that's what produces that dreamlike state. Yeah. Your brain is like, this isn't real. This isn't what's happening. Yeah. I think I was dissociated for a lot of like when your relationship is coming to a close. I think I was just dissociated. Like I was out of my body for a lot of this time.

And then now I'm finally back into it. I mean kind of just because the news is out. It's like, oh, God, okay, now this is reality. And I can settle into this new normal. And we can start to configure what parenthood is going to look like. What's our day-to-day going to look like? What, you know, how, what's our relationship going to look like? And thankfully, he and I are able to work on that and work through it. And yeah, it's fucking crazy.

It's incredible. You guys are still talking and everything's working out and you're hanging out. That's so good because I watch Dateline. You know what I mean? No, most people, always. lot of people are not as advanced when it comes to the end of a relationship. They, they, like, go out and buy cyanide. You know what I mean? They go so insane. They're not like, oh, it's a time to learn and reflect and become a better person. They're at the fucking store.

Like, what's the, what kills rats fastest? Well, look, I don't, listen, I don't mean to think that I'm all peace and love. I wasn't. At the beginning, I was very angry and very upset. And then, But as a child of divorce, and as, yeah, like you, I didn't want to be my mother who was like, your father is dissent that the father is a piece of shit. And I'm like, why? My kids are half of Tom.

Right. So if I'm crapping on Tom, I'm shitting on who half of they are. That's right. And if there's anybody, like, I know it's hard and, but it's worth it because you're, you're sparing your children the misery of your suffering.

Yeah. Because my mother was so bad at shielding. me from her animosity towards my father and it just destroyed me. Yeah. Call your father the child support needs to happen. And then you're like, now I got to call my dad. Where's the child support? Your mom made you bill collect for child support?

Yeah, bitch. Any, does that sound like familiar? That's so fucking funny. Did you have to do that too? I literally did the same thing. Of course. And I had to like sneak it in where she was like, just like talk, you know, like, oh, we could use some more money.

I kind of just like sneak in. See if we'll send us something. I can't believe you did this. Of course, but I tell you something else. When I lost my financial aid in college, that training helped me. She goes, go into the financial aid officer's place and you cry and you tell him a story. And I was like, that is diabolical. I didn't have to do all that.

But I was like, I knew how to ask for money is what I'm saying. Wow. Because she trained me with my dad. Well, what was your parents divorce like? I mean, I think this does bring up everybody's divorce trauma. Everybody's traumatized. Totally. Apparently.

When I saw that article and then, like, saw it's going down, I'm telling you, I, uh, it was crazy how I just sort of like quickly repeated my parents' divorce. Yeah. I didn't even realize I was doing it, but I remember telling Aaron, like, they'll get back together. Yeah. They're going to get. They'll get back together. And I realized, oh, my God, I used to do that with my parents. parents. Oh my God. I'm actually going back to like that your first like realization of like yeah, you know,

relationships don't last sometimes. Things change. People split up. But it sounds like you guys, my dad was at like my mom moved to North Carolina. Oh yeah. My dad stayed like we would go visit him in the summer. We'd have to go to the airport. In some like in those days like divorce kids would go with some airport employee, they'd take you and put you in essentially a fucking closet with the other divorced kids. Stop it. I didn't know. I swear to God, you'd sit.

Because they fly you, your mother had to essentially, like, you're flying a minor. You're flying a minor. So you end up in a room with like divorced kids. So dark. Shit toys and everyone's like depressed. And then, yeah, you, you fly to visit your dad. So it was like my, after the divorce by year, got. broken up into school year with mom, summer with that.

Yeah. And so that was weird. Yeah, it is. It's, yeah, that's really the goal here is to keep our kids' lives as, as, you know, seamless as possible. Yeah. That's the hardest part with all of this stuff. It's like, they don't, they don't need to suffer because we failed at this. Right.

And, yeah. And, you know, my parents got married and remarried, fucking two, three, five, I'm on my, my dad. I haven't even met my latest. stepmother. She's younger than me and I don't even know what the fuck it is. But like, you know, it's just, it's such a nightmare because if you've grown up in it, you know how sad it is and how, how, but the, but the thing I've learned is that the kids can tolerate that stuff as long as you're not talking shit about the other parent in front of them. That this is the key and to not be resentful and not let that failure of relationship destroy you. Because I've,

I've known so many women, like, of my mother's generation, and I think even my mother's divorce, just annihilated her. Yeah. She could not recover from this idea that my father was her savior, her way out of Hungary. They got married at 1819. They escaped from Hungary together. She saw him as her father, I think, as everything. So when they split, she was completely broken.

And there was no therapy back in the 80s. you know she was from the old country she just listened to edith pee off and you know i don't know ate frozen yogurt and cussed about my dad a lot so yeah they also didn't have the resources to i mean i'm in therapy a lot like we're double triple time yeah this is this is modern parenting because this shit was not going on during the divorce boom that we went through there that was not happening it was like just more like what your mom was doing or your dad there was vengeance. Yes.

There was vengeance fucking. You know what I mean, vengeance fucking. Which is so like your mom do that. What? Your mom did it? I mean, look, this is, yeah, I don't know if she would have. Wait, your dad's dead, right? Yeah.

Okay, so we can talk. I mean, did he cheat on her and then she flipped out? You want to hear a crazy story? Always. So, I don't think I've ever talked about this in a podcast. Great. Let's do it. Can I have some more wine, please, with some ice in it? Can I have some vodka, please? Yep. I like mine Florida style. Look, I just want to say, yeah, they're dead. You can talk about it. You know, people change.

You know, people go through phases, people change, people go better. People change. There you go. Everybody goes through like the poison phase. I just feel like I need to say this because I love my parents so much and they're good parents. But what I found out way later, way later, about why the divorce happened is uh and this is a story i heard and what came from my mom uh not my dad which is one of the things that you know is to me was so incredible is that my father knew every detail of what happened and and my mom she wasn't as cruel as your mom was but she definitely wasn't like nerfing her feelings about nerving what a great term did you come up with that no i that's so clever she was like very open about like uh you know my dad and all of his issues and

child support and such but yeah as the story goes um my father unexpectedly came home from a work trip classic classic is at the beginning of um old school yes this is real it's not just a joke oh no and uh apparently um um uh came home to my mother on the couch and I don't know if they were fucking or just I don't know what was happening there

but I don't want to know with a priest Stop! A Catholic one? No, I think this is Episcopalian. Stop! Are they allowed to fuck? No! You don't know what's supposed to

fuck marry people or episcopal priest? No one's supposed to be fucking married people especially not a priest. But can't they fuck in general Episcopalians? Or, It gets worse.

Oh, yeah. Episcopalian, safe. Sorry, I don't know why I care about that. It's important to know. It's horrible. Thanks, Josh. Episcopalian, thank you so much. So, and this is a...

What? Was he in the outfit? Did he have his collar on? How did he know? But this is how he knows. This is how he knew. And again, I might be warping some things here, but you see, my father, you know, when divorce is happening, when relationships are ending,

especially with kids, you do try to fix it. Yes. All kinds of things. And I remember as a kid, you know, realizing, I didn't know they were getting divorced, but just, I just, suddenly my dad wasn't there as much. And but so in one of the, what I think was an attempt to make the marriage work, you know, they dove into religion. And I remember they started getting into this thing called Decolores, which is some kind of Episcopal, I don't know what, some Episcopal thing. My father, who was not really a religious man, actually started going to church. with us and my mom and like it was wild because my dad was always the one who was like rolling his eyes at prayers at dinner and stuff and like uh and i think it was the priest at that thing that my

dad went to that ended up banging my mom and my dad walked in on that and then as a story goes went to his car retrieved a shotgun that he used for quail hunting went into the house intending to i think kill my mom and the priest and himself and the gun jammed, thus proving the power of God protecting that priest. Like, you know what I mean? Like the, and all of us, the gun jammed. And it didn't work. And so he just went and got in his car. I think my brother and myself were at my aunt's house at the time and had no idea that like for a second, the coin was spinning the The coin was spinning. We were about to be orphans. You know what I mean? And yeah, but, uh, and so that, that was what, that's my divorce story. But I didn't know it until I was older.

I just knew they like split up. I didn't know like the how sorted the whole thing was. When did you, how old are you when you heard this story? Oh, I was, I was in a, I was like in my 20s. My, my mom came out to, uh, L.A and told me this story that she'd been holding and it had been eating her alive for so long and this was part of her like evolving as a human and her realizing that she didn't want to live in like a lie anymore and it was really a beautiful brave thing she did you know it's like i you know every people fuck up yeah you know and people go through insane periods of their life and yeah like you know but we that which doesn't mean you're supposed to like necessarily forgive them but just at least like

recognizing like my god everyone goes nuts everyone goes nuts everyone goes nuts i know yeah and i i think because my bar is so is it high or low because we grew up in chaos and me and myself and apparently you um you just think that this shit's normal because you're like doesn't everybody have a dad that wants to kill her mom yeah and then you go through it and people are like wow you're really holding up I'm like, well, yeah, because the first part of my life was fucking chaos. Training. Training for this shit. So like, wow, Duncan, that is a wild story.

Isn't that wild? That is just wild. Your life could have gone completely sideways. Completely sideways. You know what's amazing? I mean, I think everybody knows this fact, but when I went to law school for two whole weeks, I just remember learning in criminal law, the crime of passion. So, like, had your father done that?

he wouldn't go to jail for that long. Oh. Because the court is like, well, yeah, she had a coming. Oh my God. I mean, yeah, you're given, you're given leeway for like crimes of passion. Yeah, because it's understandable. I would fucking do the same thing. Your brain breaks.

I would go crazy if I, if that was my story, I would be like, yeah. You'd serve two tours of duty in Vietnam. You had PTSD. You walk in on your wife. getting banged down by the priest who you are praying with. I mean, yeah, your brain snaps. And then, but, you know, these are these things are like, I just think, you know, everybody, you can take anything and use it as an excuse.

Yes. To be an asshole for the rest of your life. 100%. And those very same things, quite often are the things that you can use to be a better person for the rest of your life. A hundred. It's the same thing. You can either be a bitter, jaded person blaming your victim.

You're a victim. The world sucks and everything's bad. Why did that fucking happen to me? What the fuck? Or you, you know, grieve and then you move on. You go into it. But I think the spiritual crisis awakening I had after cancer taught me that, oh, this is just the soul's purification. Like all these things are just, yeah.

All of this stuff is going to clean out your early, trauma, your life trauma, and you're going to be a clean, I see it as like a spiritual brush coming in and like cleaning out the stuff you learned as a kid to survive, like those survival ways of being. And then now is, I'm so lucky that I get to go into the next part of my life with that stuff kind of cleared up. And hopefully I'll make different choices and lead a more in line, aligned, aligned life. Yeah. Because you're like, yeah, that life was good for the time. Like, listen, 20 years, but Tom was amazing. And like I said, very productive, wonderful, wonderful.

It's obviously there's a reason he and I can't do the next 20 together. He's going his way. I go my way and we have different lessons to learn. And that's the fucking thing. Yeah. But yeah, you know what's so crazy too when you tell me this story. I think I didn't realize how crazy the world was until, like, the past few years where you're like, wow, people do that? Yeah.

People do that? Like, is nothing sacred. Is nothing safe. A priest has sexual to merit is nothing sacred. And then you're like, yeah, they're just human. That's the essence of human is to be fallible and shitty. And hopefully learn, like you said, hopefully learn to not be so shitty. Yeah.

Yeah. And just, you know, the, I mean, it's when, you know, like people like Ram Dass are saying, be here now. I love him. I do. I can't believe he married you. Do people know that? Yeah, I think so. That's like the coolest thing ever.

It is crazy. Yeah, he's right. But that saying, you know, in moments like this, that really is all you have. Because when you are, when you're getting the lesson in impermanence, and yeah, I know, I know. But when you're getting this lesson as you are, you start looking at, okay, wait, what do I really have, though? Like, what do I have? So true. And all you have is this.

Yeah. Because if, you know, my ball was not guaranteed, my mom died, your marriage was not guaranteed. My tits weren't guaranteed. Then nothing's guaranteed. I know. And this is so crazy. I was saying, sorry, I hope I didn't cut you off. No, you didn't.

Okay. I was talking to my shrink yesterday because like I said, now I'm in this place of like, well, what is reality? And, you know, you go through this thing after. while divorcing, I think, where you're like, well, what is real? Okay, so what is real? And I was like, I'm real. My connection to myself is real.

Not the personality self, but the real self, the self where you sit quietly and you meditate and you connect into like the upper regions. That's real. Okay, check. Yesterday I was like, well, my kids, my love for my children, they're real. That's real. Check. I'm swimming in this pool. Thankfully, yesterday I had the opportunity to swim.

And I was like, this feels great. My body is still here. Check. Okay, I'm going to be okay. Like, those things are still here. God, I cried out. I'm going to fuck. And, you know, friendships.

Like, the people that... I've been so lucky in my life that, like, yeah, I have, like, comedy friends. But I also have people that I've known since I was a kid, like since I was 13. And women that I've known since I was 13. And you're like, well, that's what matters. Dude, like, when this shit went down, those bitches and I were together straight away. And, like, they've been with me this whole time.

And then you're like, thank God. I'm lucky enough to have friends that I've had my whole life. Because show biz, I mean, we're lucky that we're show business friends and the circle that we have is, like, real. Yeah. But a lot of people in show business don't, like they have celebrity friends, which is like you can't have those. But it's not the same as like people that know you from the time you were little. Yeah. And have watched you grow and have grown with you.

And I think that's the secret because like my girlfriends are fucking deep. Dude, like I don't kick it with with surface level basic bitches. I just can't. I can't. I'm just like, I mean, that's what's real. That's what I've discovered in this whole thing. Love. Love.

Love is real. Yeah. And that doesn't go anywhere. No. And that doesn't get old. No. It doesn't get young. It just, that's the thing.

That, you know, not to like black pill you hear. That pool might dry up. Of course. The house will sit on fire tomorrow. The money goes. Yeah. Your body goes. It all goes.

But, you know, one thing I've noticed is like the old, the, the, when I look back and think of people for my past the bad shit about them I don't remember it as much as the good stuff it's the love is what doesn't seem to go anywhere it's with you it's there all the time when you have children you know you it's and if you look at like your your intent right now it's all based in love course it's all based on You know, loving your children and loving those 20 years. Loving Tom and loving Tom. And that won't go anywhere.

No. And it just is all you end up having left. That's all there is. When you die, that's what's going to be there. Or you're going to be all like, you know, you've held onto your bitterness and you're going to just have a horrible death. And you're going to freak out as you're dying and you're going to go to the barto and demons are going to rip you to pieces.

That's so true. Because I talk about this in one of my specials. When I broke my ankle, they gave me ketamine. But they gave me a fuck ton of it, dude, to the point where I was like in a Legoland. Yeah. Dude, I was like, what is this? Yeah.

And I had this vision of like, what's important. And I made peace with my mother. I made peace with my father. and I woke up with tears streaming down my eyes and I was holding Tommy's hand and I was like this is all that matters this love between us and the family and the children and I was not thinking about how much money I had made

I wasn't thinking about how many dates I fucking did that year or how much money I had made or how much successful I was or who liked me. It was literally like the core motherfuckers in my life and that was it. That's it. I've been smoking so much. I hope my oncologist isn't watching.

I'm sure they understand. Well, you know what they told me? Actually, this is really interesting. I went for my one-year checkup, you know? And just like randomly, I'm talking to the oncologist and the assistant, and she's like, how's your sister-in-law? And I was like, oh, she's great because Jane was there for a lot of my cancer stuff, you know? And she's like, you know, a lot of people get divorced after cancer.

And I was like, what? Really? Like, that's crazy. Why? At the time, I really was like, that sounds really. And I think because it really changes, it rearranges you in such a way, you know? Whoa. I don't know.

That is fucking nuts. I know. Wait, were you married? No, you weren't married when you had. No, I wasn't married. Yeah. I wasn't married. That's good.

Yeah. Did you have a relationship at the time? Sort of. I was just dating at the time. but it's, you know, it's a hard cell in a dating relationship. You know, I've got testicular cancer. I know we've been seeing each other just for a few weeks, but you're still in to me, right? You don't want kids.

I'm going to be getting radiation for, I might need a ride to radiation. I wouldn't have seen each other for just a few months. Oh, my God. A ride to radiation. God damn. But I got to tell you, man, nothing's darker than that shit. Like seven weeks of radiation five days a week And I saw people fucking dying in the hallway

Like like like like Like legit There were people that didn't make it That I fucking talk to every day Yep And you're like oh that's That's suffering Like if I can get through this

And I can walk out of here And I get to ring this bell and like go home Yeah And you did Anything else is fucking lucky You're lucky to suffer through other bullshit That's right. Well, you know, this suffering situation is quite often the pain, this is, you know, it's like if you're a fish, you're going to be wet. If you're human, you're going to feel pain. If you have a body, you're going to feel pain. But the suffering thing is, you know, I have this guy on my podcast, Ram Dave is his name. And he. Ram Dave?

Yeah. Any relation to? Ram Dass? Yeah. Yeah. Same guru. Same community. But he has this thing called the living, dying project.

And he sits with dying people. People who are dying. It's like a form of hospice. But he talks a lot about how, you know, this suffering is quite often not coming to terms with reality as it is. You want, you know what? This is what's happening. Yes.

This is it. This is real. You're going through divorce right now. You're recovering from cancer. Real. And where you start suffering is where you start thinking it shouldn't be like this. Resistance. Right.

And then that's where the pain starts. But when you just fully connect with this as it is. Pain. Well, yeah, the pain is there. But the suffering is the resistance to reality as it is. And that's where I will go crazy, where shit isn't going my way. And because I think I have a way. This isn't my way.

Who the fuck do I think I am? This is the way. It's what's happening. You know, that's, the pain is not going anywhere. But you don't have to, like, crucify yourself on the fantasy of what you thought your life would be versus what it is. And I don't think you can't self-crucify it. No, absolutely. But for me.

one of your hands would be up. How do you nail on the other hand? It's so true. But I think for me, I always resist the pain, the suffering. I resist it so hard. Like what I learned through this process, like really, truly through this divorce process, was being able to be like, like, you have your good days and you have your not-so-great days. But when it's a bad day, to not resist it and be like, fuck that.

I'm going to fucking do that. like the acting out stuff that you're talking about, like that our parents did. Yeah. And it's like, well, what if I just sat here and I sat with the sadness? Like, what if I sat with this abandonment feeling? What if I sat with this sorrow? What would happen? Oh, you're just going to cry.

You're going to cry. And then the sooner you confront it and face it, then you just move on with your day. And then you're like, let's order dominoes. Who wants dominoes? Yeah. And you order pizza. And then you're done with the suffering and you kind of, ride the waves of

of being a human. It's quite a lesson in being human. I'm so glad you're saying it, man. A lot of people don't, I didn't, I wish I knew that a long time ago because my technique has always been to sweep that thing under the rug. Everybody, no, it wants to be in pain. Sweep it under the rug and get high.

That'll fix it. I'll just ignore it and get high. Of course, but I do that too. Like, I'm not saying, I'm immune to, hello, look at me here. I'm ripping darts and drinking wine. Yeah, but you're not sweeping anything under a rug right now. You're doing the opposite.

I'm doing it in conjunction. Give me another dart. You got it. Here you go. Look, I don't, listen, I'm not. Yeah. That's the other part of it. That's the other crazy thing is like when you're grieving,

somehow you manage to beat yourself up over the way you're doing it. I know what the fuck's wrong with me. Look at me. What a mess? I should be, what should you be doing right now? Do you do that too though or you're just noticing what a piece of shit I am? No, are you fucking kidding? Oh, you beat yourself out too.

Oh, God. That's so embarrassing. I'm always in the ring with myself. Always. How do you win that boxing match? It's like you only lose if you're beating yourself. And but of course you're just like, I should have been more graceful there. Oh, and my mom was dying.

Why wasn't I like this? Why was I down in the basement? Why was I down in the basement reading? Oh, God. What's that? The Hunger Games on my Kindle. that's what I did instead of spending time with her. I'm like, I just can't do all the fact she's time.

Beat yourself up for that. You beat yourself up for all the shit that you did wrong in like one of the most difficult situations you could have been in. I know. What use is that? I know. I hate that. And I hate that I beat myself up.

There you go. Now you hate the part of yourself. I'm doing the same thing. It's a loop. It just goes on. It's the inception of self abuse. Yeah. And instead of just this is, here it is.

This is what's happening. including the beating of oneself and all of it. And this is the human experience. Exactly. And it's like a loop. You just go into another thing that you need to learn. And then another thing that you need to learn. It's just like, fuck.

I don't know, dude. I don't know how much longer. I'm glad I'm 50. I don't want to die or anything. But like, you know what I mean? You're like, I don't know. This is a crazy ride. All right.

Let me stop you there. Because right there, you have. a fantasy. The fantasy is that death is an escape. It's not. That's the fan. This is the fantasy that a lot of the secularists don't realize. Like, the secularist who's like rolling their eyes. What are they? Me and Aaron make fun of this all the time. Sky Daddy. Oh, you're going to pray to your Sky Daddy? You're going to pray to your Sky Daddy now? Look at a brain to pray into their Sky Daddy. Now he put this mask on and go to the pharmacy to buy Xanax. It's like the, no offense for the atheists out there.

I have friends who are atheists. And the Xanax poppers. Oh, yeah, no offense. The Xanax poppers, the atheists are to anybody out there. But the fantasy of the secularist is that death equals extinction. As Richard Dawkins said, death is the anesthesia that saves us from the pain of life. Now, this is a heaven. This is a, Dawkins' version of heaven is being,

getting that shit that Michael Jackson did to fall asleep, but for eternity. Propophoffol. Dawkins' version of heaven is propofal for eternity. Now, that's a fantasy. We don't know what's going to happen. But his idea is all the carmic momentum ceases upon the extinction of the physical body. What a great fantasy. If it's true, hell yeah, let's hope so.

Propofal for eternity, that is paradise. Yeah. But I'm not so sure. And so the fantasy that upon death, all the suffering ends, I don't think so. I think the momentum carries on. And in fact, I don't even think there's respite. I don't think you even get a breath to rest. Thanks for coming in, Duncan.

This has been a really... And it goes on and on and on forever. You're right, but you're right. No, you're right. So deal with it now. You're right, babe. And here's how I know you're right. I am...

And this is crazy when you start to realize this shit, too, where you look at your life and the decisions you've made and how the... I mean, to a T, I've recreated my mother's trauma. Yeah. And, but here's what's really interesting. I recreated what she had to deal with, but now I'm given the opportunity to take it in a different direction. Yeah.

So this is the choice. And I don't know if I'm going to be able to resolve it in my lifetime. Maybe my children, obviously, they're going to carry some of the same karmic bullshit into their existences and so forth and so on until it burns out of this line, I guess. Is it your spirit? line or something like your soul lineage yeah yeah this is because this feels familiar these issues i'm like oh this is my mother's karma but it's also my karma it's also my dad's karma it's the same fucking thing over and over and over we just marry our parents over and over over over and over

i know i know but may i point out some good things here of course because you know look look at what yeah look what you're doing yeah what you're doing right now is setting an example for a lot of people about one way to end a relationship. Because what you're doing right now with like a massive platform, filled with people who wanna take sides, fill with people who wanna crucify one of you, if they can fill with people sitting here,

probably feeling a little bit of blue balls right now because instead of coming out with guns, blazing all bitter, and angry and pissed and saying horrible things and you are being incredibly vulnerable and honest and compassionate and talk about alchemizing the karma of your ancestors because this is not what your mom would do that's true thank you for saying that and i think it's quite beautiful what you're doing thank you i love you're my comedy brother love you too you're my brother Now let's get on to some fun stuff

Yeah, let's show me some freaks Not just that You know, I will be a single gal Soon in the world And I have so many things I don't know Like Tom and I got together in 2005 This is like MySpace I've never texted dudes

I've never been on an app I've never done I don't even know if I have to wax my asshole And my pussy I feel like I don't know. Is that mandatory? I heard it's mandatory now. I've been married for a long time. And I don't know what's going on. I don't know what the waxing rituals are right now. Josh, do I have to wax my asshole and my pussy?

I think the bush is back in fashion, to be honest. Hey. For real? I think so. Full bush or landing strip? You got to trim it a little bit. You can't go like full 70s. I don't like full 70s. I like the undercarriage clean and then a landing strip. Can I get away with that? I think so. I mean, the landing strip, my... be a little dated to be honest. What do I do? I think, I mean, you know, just keep it trimmed, keep a manicured. Landing strip, by the way, is a Mohawk.

That's tight. That's punk. I like that then. Triple landing strip. Yeah, just keep it somewhere in between, I think. Yeah. Great. I don't want to do any of this. I don't think you want the type of man who gives a shit. Good point. If I'm being honest.

That's true. That's a good point. but I okay so I did mention briefly that during the international dick alert I finally when things calmed down I did have the courage to vaguely look at these DMs and I picked some choice ones you're showing this this is so good everyone's wondering everybody it's so good I figured like I said this is the first time in my life I haven't and honestly when I was married to Tom like every now and then some guy would be like you're fucking hot your husband sucks do And I'd be like, whatever. But this has been a torrential downpour. This is coming from Instagram or what? Just the gram. Just the gram.

And again, very cursory look. I'm not looking to date right now. I am not looking. But you know, why not set up a hotline? They did it for the mystery boys. Why don't do it? What's the hotline? What do you mean?

It's a conunculus hotline. People can talk about like little guys created using like a cult. It's another conversation, but, what? I'm saying you could have a, like, I understand. And now is not the time. You don't want to go, you don't want to go fumbling into some other wild thing. Oh, I don't want a relationship again.

Are you fucking kidding me? A hotline doesn't mean commitment. It's just where potential suitors could call and, and court me? Yeah, just, you know, give the initial, like, resume. Because here's the thing. And no dip. No, I don't know.

No dip. I don't want that shit. Don't you dare fucking send me your dick. You're not going to get that on a hotline. It's just going to be a voice memo. So I get to hear their voice. And play it on the show. All right.

All right. I like this idea. Josh, can we set up a hotline? Absolutely. But here's the thing, guys. Like, I want suitors. I don't want just like dicks. Like, that is not my ammo.

I am not a horror. I never have been. I'm sorry. No disrespect to women that. I just can't. I'm too sensitive, quite honestly. I can't. So I really want to know.

Like, who are you? What are you about? And, you know, okay. What kind of images are you looking for? Shut up, talking. You fucker. All right, hold on, hold on. Okay, so here's some choice DMs.

This is when Slutonath. Do you want to read them for me? Yeah, I would love to. Go ahead, buddy. Okay, okay. All right. don't worry you're still hot thank you don't worry your life is falling apart you're still hot it's just somehow just that one just floating there and that white is so creepy it's so creepy

don't worry you are still hot and like no profile picture like who who are these people with no profile picture no profile what is that any 159 followers no post on instagram how does he have 159 followers Don't worry. You are still hot. Annie, what is this? We removed all the photos to keep him anonymous. Oh, okay, so I'm retarded. Okay, sorry.

It's still zero posts. That's weird. Zero posts, 159 followers. Don't worry. How do you have 159 followers of zero posts? I don't know. Oh, yeah. Isn't that weird?

Maybe he's cute. Maybe he's hot. Maybe he's massad. Could be really hot. Maybe you should look at it. Yeah, shit. Being a assassin could be Brad Pitt. Could be DiCaprio.

No, I'm too old for. Yeah, but maybe he's like shifting gears. He's a 50-year-old broads with two kids. Never know. Cancer tits. Okay. Okay, and also I like that he's like, I know your world is falling apart.

Yeah. But I know you're just worried about being hot. Like being hot is my number one concern. Oh, you're thinking about. I hope people still think I'm hot. You're not thinking about your kids. You're not thinking about your business. My future.

Who am I? Identity. I just hope I'm still hot. Am I hot, right? Oh, thank God. Oh, thank God. An anonymous person with zero post on Instagram. Okay, let's keep going.

Oh, this one's my favorite. Wow. So this gentleman, he just writes, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, every day all day. And like, if I were to open my thing now, it's just a stream of haze. Okay, wait, I want to point something out here that's, um, first of all, you got to look at the timestamps. Yeah, of course. So Wednesday, 632, that's the first one. We got a 3.Y.

Hey. Three Y. Friday, 443 a.m. That's a wild schedule. Now you're getting a 4 YA. That's a quiet schedule. Then 3.01 a.m. This is a night owl.

You should be going, who are you? Hey! But the creepiest thing to me is he's adding, it's mathematical in that there is. adding one each time they do one more why have you noticed that what this isn't just random hold on hold on hold on hold him out okay you know you're right you're right he's adding a why each time and then hold on let's look him up right now and see what the fuck hold on who does that oh his name is oh here he is here he is here here here look he's adding more why he's cutting and pasting and adding a why and the last one he sent me was 1124 this morning Wow.

Wow. Wow. Solid tactic. I mean, he did get my attention, right? Yeah. It shows organization. Efficiency because he's cut. I'm assuming he's cutting and pacing.

I don't know. I was saying, you're like, why did he do that? I'm like talking about him right now, aren't you? Oh, man. Did a good job. It worked. He got me. He got you.

Let's look at him. Let's see if he's like cute. Can I say he's pick? Oh, no. Hold on. I haven't even followed him back. I should probably follow him back. Yeah.

That's the move. Okay, here we go. What? Was that bad? Should I not have followed him back? No. Now he's going to think he's in. He's in.

Shit. Why is he in? Wait, a follow back. A follow back means he's in? That's it these days? He doesn't have to like come over and court me and buy me a fucking dinner. Let me see what? That's it now with you kids?

Oh, he followed you. He loves me now. I mean, if I sent you 27 Hayes and you follow me. Yeah. I'm like, oh, it was the, it was the, 27th while. I'm sending before the reply.

I'm sending mixed messages. Yeah, I don't know. You should have followed. I don't know if you should follow it. I'm following. Fuck, hurry before he sees it. It's too late.

Shut up! Did it on the show! He's watching it on the show right now. I requested, okay, I unrequested the follow. He saw you follow him on the show. He's sitting in kitten heads and blood right now

in some baseman. Shit. It's kind of a poet, though. He's not bad looking. He's not bad looking. He saw his picture. Yeah, handsome. What are you?

What? What? This reminds me even an E. Cummings poem. Look at that. Yeah, he's cute. I'm serious. He's a little young. I don't know.

Age is just the number. He's my son's age. Hey. Hey. Hey. Wait, do the haze and let's do different. What's the first hay? The first one is.

That's just kind of like a hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Meow. Meow. Meow. Hey.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. He's turning into like a death rattle. Oh, is that where? Because I hear it going up. I hear it being like, meow, hey.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey, you fucking bitch. Like, I hear it getting angrier. Hey, I'm so lonely. I'm so alone.

The world is an abyss. I'm a spark of Zindians and an abyss. And hey. Exactly. that's what I hear in my crazy brain. All right, there's the hair guy. All right, never know. This one always tickles me.

You know, I love Puerto Ricans. Go ahead and read it. Hey, Mommy, just so you know if you need someone, I'm here for you. Love Puerto Rican, by the way. I love Puerto Ricans. He's not wrong. Okay, that was, let's look at the timestamp. Tuesday, 239 p.m.

That's a decent time to send a DM. Now we're at 1116 in the morning the next day. That's a decent time. in. Come on. Slummer with a young 29 year old while we get a little. I'm sorry. Come on. Slummer with a young 29 year old while we get a little high and I eat your puss.

It's nice. It's a nice offer. Oh, God. Is that a, wait, which is that a blushing emoji? Oh, what is that? What's that emoji? Is that like a smirk? Oh, a smirk.

What does that mean in your language in millennial? code like he's being slick but is he saying pus or pus he's gonna eat my pus hey let's get high and I'm gonna gobble on that pus

let me squeeze some pus out of your feet I want some some some I just want a lap of your sores like a laugh at your sores like a fly

let me lap at your sores, baby. Oh, but he's Puerto Rican. He's like, I'm mommy, let me lap at your sword. Fuck, dude. I mean, this is wild. And like,

okay, I'm sorry. I am very old about these things. Like, does a lady go? Yeah, that sounds great. Thank you. How do I, how would I even begin? Does somebody answer him?

Yeah, of course. I'd love to get high and you can eat my pus. Yeah. I think you need to be maybe a little, like, coy or something like that. Like, just say, like, you know I don't have any open source right now

he won't get that at all I'd be like what fucking bitch okay here we go here's another cool one you're a cool guy go ahead read that I would eat your ass whenever you want smiley face emoji well I mean as you know in this podcast

I love getting my ass it's all I'm talking about is ass eating I just love my butt hole get in there guys I mean listen no offense if you're into it I'm not into my asshole being fucked with really let's not like you were saying earlier you're kind of starting a new life am i getting into anal i'm not no don't even put that after it's a new life

it's a daughter yay though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death i will you can eat my ass no you're right i'm good i'm good this is really good go ahead duncan you're a man explain this to me 134 a.m. He just got to think about that. It's 134. Okay. Well, maybe he's a surgeon and he just finished brain surgery. Yeah, brain surgery.

Yeah, he's done with a shift at the hospital. How do you know what he is? Yep, you're right. You're right. You probably just finished like healing a child. Yeah. And someone said that you could never get that tumor out. And he did it.

Then he went to the, he went to take a break. Yeah. Looked at TMZ. He was like, yeah. Oh, my God. Well, and that's why he writes, I can fix you. Because he's like, I'm a surgeon. I can fix you.

Yeah, your tits look crooked. Let me fix. Maybe he's a plastic surgeon. Could be a plastic surgeon. It would be super cool. Yeah. Wow. Yeah.

I can fix you. Yeah. I've learned my lesson now. I just think the people who were lucky enough to even be considered here should call the hotline next. This could be a short. show. The dating. Christina's dating. It could be actually. Find my next boyfriend. Next love island. Oh my God. Get these guys? I'm so not even remotely ready to. Right now, but in a month or two. A month? Shit. All right. He's going to fix me, you guys. Okay, here we go. Okay, here we go.

This is, uh, well, he starts in 2025. This is 2025. This courtship has been going on. a while. Hey, literally me at my sister's wedding last weekend. Literally, not figuratively. No, this is literally me. This is not a clone. This is not a look-like. This is me in the picture. Just you know. Literally. And I wish we could look at that picture. Yeah. Is there any way to enlarge, enlarge in it? Or should we not show him? Is that funny? I mean, I want to see. I'm curious now. Let's see it. It was your story. So you,

because he's replying to your story. Okay. Now they literally sort of makes more sense. Okay, great. So it's a post of you. I don't know. I can't see it. It's probably one of those TikToks I post.

It's not me. It's probably. Right. So he's just basically saying he was being a maniac at his sister's wedding last weekend. Broken car. Let me know. This is 724 a.m.

So he's gotten up. Maybe out of coffee. You know, I didn't even think of the time stamps on me, Duncan. I totally overlooked the time thing. He says everything. Hey, let me know when you want a young sneaky link to quote lady in the streets and freaking the sheets to my treat with pleasure, hot mamaita. Well, it's what's the word for it's passionate? No, I appreciate that.

And I have to say I do like that the young gentlemen are. coming out. Who knew? You know, I do, you know, when you're recently separated, you're like, will I attract young gents? Do I have to date 80-year-olds? Like, what, what is it? And here's your answer. I know. This is your answer. It's his

treat. Oh, and that's the thing, it's, the insinuation being like, it's his treat. Like, he's going to do this for free. Like, I don't have to pay as... Is that what he's saying? My treat with my, what the fuck? My treat. He's giving it to me for free. Wow. Wow. Wow. The generosity.

I mean, those are qualities you do want And a stepfather That's your stepdad He's so generous He's very generous He's generous He fuck me for free He fuck me for free

Oh my god I'm gonna die I'm so depressed right now What is my life right now Duncan Isn't this surreal This is a fucking weirdest thing We're going through like my D I like who am? I got a piss

I do you say God Okay, so we just did We're back from our P-break And we're going through DMs From cool dudes That I've gone Oh, this one's long Okay, good

Okay, go ahead Duncan, you read this place Southern Can you guys drop the pitch At my voice a little bit? Hey Fuck your husband, Trish You're the baddest mommy a mom is

I apologize with the situation You have to excuse me Excuse me at PetSmart right? Wait, sorry, cut that. You have to excuse me, at PetSmart right now. I think I'm getting fired, because I didn't realize that ferrets and fleshlights were different words, so I'm gonna have to message you later

because I think the cops are knocking at the door. Crack myself up. The old ferret fleshlight, yo. Everyone. He didn't say. Sorry. I'm a bit drunk and am not proofreading. It's hot.

Well, hope you know that it's all love. Yeah. You're awesome, Christine. Keep mind tight, sweet heart. That could be Cormac McCarthy. I don't know who that is. Greatest writer of all time. I mean, there's so much about this one I love.

He's at PetSmart right now. And he works there and he's going to get fired because he's fucking a ferret. Is that the joke? Well, yeah. I mean, you know, he's like, that's a good joke. He's funny. Yeah, he is. And, you know.

He's employed. That's nice. He's got a job at PetSmart. That's cool. I love PetSmart. I've got two cats. I could probably use that employee discount. That's fine.

Yeah. Oh, my God. Dog food, cat food is so expensive. So you're going to get a discount on that. Yeah, I love it. Yeah. I think, you know. I like to get drunk.

He's drunk. Yeah. He's hilarious. So it's like could easily be like the co-host. Okay. On the shit. No. Yeah.

Look how funny he is. Ferrets and fun. Fleshlines? Come on, dude, that's a comedy album name. Duncan. The carrots and flashlights, you're right. From like the 80s, yeah, that would be amazing. Who hasn't looked at a ferret and thought, that reminds me of a pussy? I know, aren't ferrets like slender, like squirrels essentially?

There's nothing. If you, can we do a side by side of a flashlight and a ferret just to show how bad shit this dude is? Yeah, like ferrets are not a fuckable animal from what I understand. I know people fuck sheep and horses. Remember that guy that got killed? Of course. None of us will forget it. No, I think about it once a week.

But like, they're like, who wants to fuck a ferret? It would chew your dick off. Number one, they have like dagger teeth. Well, and it's so small. Oh, that's why. Is he like saying I have a, he's got a small dick? Maybe. Maybe he's bragging that he's got a small one.

Yeah, so there's a fleshlight, nothing like a ferret. But I guess pull up a, can you get a picture of a ferret? Can we do a side by? Maybe that's what he's saying is like, what does a ferret's vagina look like? I don't know. Oh, yeah, look up a ferret vagina. Are they, like, exceptional? Ferret vagina.

Let's do an image search. No. Well, I guess zoom in on it. I mean, you're a guy. You tell me guys in the booth. I guess it's... What are we telling you? Is that ferret?

Is that ferret fuckable is what I'm trying to get at? I guess it kind of does look like a little tiny flashlight. He does work at PetSmart. Like he knows what a ferret's pussy looks like. He's right. It looks like a fleshlete. It was not a bad comparison. No.

Turns out jokes on us. We're the fools. Yeah, we're the idiots. We were thinking about mouth fucking the ferret. He was talking about parrot vagina. Almost identical. Dude, he's right. He's right.

This guy's a genius. Oh, I hope he didn't get fired because now I'm considering dating him. Call the hotline. I want video submissions, not just. just I gotta see what you look like too. Okay, ready? I was waiting for these. Okay, here we go.

Okay, slide nine is me trying. If you don't read any message, please watch this video. I love you, mommy. You deserve the world. If you want to dabble in the ladies, we treat you.

Oh, this is a lady. Yeah, and I thanked her. I was like, thank you. That's the only one you responded to. Of course. I'm not going to respond with, Why, without an S, you just said thank. Wait, what did I write?

Did I write, like, thank you. Oh, no, they both. I think you said her name. Oh, I see. You blurted out with a black heart. Yeah. Okay, that's cool. I mean, that was nice.

I thought that that was a nice, legitimate offer for lesbianism and like. Are you open to ladies? I mean, I tried in the 90s, honestly, and I don't know. I don't like pussies. Oh. Because I know what comes out of them. Right. Do you know what I mean?

Yep. So do you now. You've seen babies? Birth. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. Too many feelings.

Too many discussions about feelings. Right. Okay. So let's put a pin in it. Like right now, right now. Right now. It's not happening. I'm honored and I'm flattered, quite honestly.

Okay, this one's cool too. Here we go. This is a dichotomy. Just reaching out because I'm trying to do something special for my wife's birthday. She absolutely loves you and Tom. We've been together five years. We have a three-year-old son, and I'll just hoping we could come up with something to surprise her for a birthday.

I'm in a hard spot because we currently aren't together. But co-parent, I'm trying to prove to her that I could do something right. I'll dick you down if you're interested. I know that's up front, but it's true. It's true, but it's true. They will dick you down. I'll dick you down, all the way down. Down to chat.

I'll tick you down to dick you down. Dick you down. I'll dick you down if you're interested. I know that's up front, but it's, it is true. He's, he's letting me know. It's a true statement. Yeah, it's true. Like, I wouldn't think he'd falsely offer me a dicking down.

No. What would somebody be like, J.K., I'm J.K. Well, that shows the compassionate side of him because he feels like you might be in a place mentally where you're like, he can't really mean it. Like, I'm so broken and vulnerable. Like, who would want to dick me, You mean it? Reply, follow.

Yeah, that's cool. Yeah. Yeah, I respect it. I respected it. I like the upfront. I like truth. It's good. I mean, I don't know, dude.

I don't like being lied to, so I guess that's kind of nice. Here's what we know. Telling the truth. Telling the truth. I like that. Great dad. Great dad. co-parent. Three-year-old son.

And that, so that's, both of you would get an addition to your family. True. You know what I mean? A blended family. A blended family is beautiful. Oh, shit. Well, he's got, listen, here's my, I'm going to say no, only because he has a three-year-old son. I already have two sons.

Adding a third boy to my family. Yeah. Insanity. I mean, you've got four kids. Who's better behave, the boys are the girls? Oh, that fantasy's out the window. More wine, please? Yeah, it just rotates.

But yeah, but then again, we don't know, we don't know what his son's like. I just, I think, and listen, listen, obviously, this is, you have to listen to your heart on this one. But I would say have him call the hotline. I mean, at least take a little deeper, you know. But can we change the hotline to video submissions? Oh, yeah. Like, I want to see you. I need to see that you're saying.

I need to see like what's going on. Right. That would be cool. A quick montage of like, what's your life like? Where you work, you know, or whatever. Be creative. Yeah, be creative. I'd like to know, like, don't tell me the basics.

Because, like, look, let's be honest. I'm a single mother, okay? I've already got money. I'm not interested in money. I never was interested in money. Quite honestly, I married a broke comic. I was never in it for the money. Right.

I'm looking for personality. Personality? Love. Love. Being emotionally connected. Emotionally connected. What else? I mean, I'm not even really looking.

I shouldn't even be fucking... I'm just looking to get through this Domino's Pizza that's on the fucking... floor right now. Yeah. Yeah. But I don't know. Let me think about it.

Okay, but thank you for the offer, sir. Let's see. Okay. Don't go for Bobby Lee. Go for young. Tinktang! Come on, please. I'm only 23 and ready to parent your kids.

That's true. Please. He's begging to be a dad. Please. Oh, he's so stupid. He doesn't know what he's asking. And it's freaking tank-tang! Wait, that's not his name.

That's a saint, right? What does that mean? What is this, kids? It sounds like a goblin's name, but I don't think it's a name. Young. That's some kind of saying. I've never heard of it. It's like, tank-tang.

Young tank-tank. Can we Google tank-tang? That might be his name. His name is tank-tang? His nickname or something. But isn't Tang short for Poon-Tang? That's what I was thinking. Yeah, I don't imagine that's a dick thing.

He could be like a, a, somebody who drives a tank. Wait a minute. Maybe it's a woman. Maybe he's got, she's got tank, tank, tank, tank, tank. A tank, a tank tank. He's into fishes and aquariums.

Requires a large saltwater setup. Yeah, he's an aquarium man. Oh, he's into fish, okay. And they're romantic. People who are into aquariums. Now, because like the snake dudes are fucked up. No. The aquarium dudes, these are artists.

These are philosophers. first. Yes. And, and committed. He's committed to keeping that tank clean. You know how they get moldy, like so fast? It's a nightmare. It's a nightmare. You have to clean the rocks with the vacuum. You got to clean the sides of the tank. The fish get that ick or whatever it's called and they get sick. Yeah. No, this is high maintenance. He's all about taking care of me, which I'm really excited about. Yeah, I love it. I don't know why he's calling himself Tank Tank, though. That's, I think he's calling it. I think he's calling it. I don't think. So when you look up, wait. But it requires, let's read what it is. A tang, a tank requires a large salt water set up with strong water flow. Wow. He needs a lot of water. Yep. Extensive live rock and plenty of open swimming space.

And you were just talking about being in your pool. I love swimming. That's a synchronicity. Yeah. You have to follow the signs. That's a synchronicity. Yeah, you're right. You're right.

You're right. Follow him back. I love water. I love the ocean. I love fish. Me too. Mm. Okay.

Well, that's a contender. Mark this one. Okay, Josh. We're going to get back to him. I'm going to follow him. Okay. Go ahead. Okay.

Ooh. Yeah. Now that you're single, can our tongue punch your fart box. Tongue punch your fart box. I mean, I like the plain. I like the silliness of the words. Yeah.

But like what is this about eating my asshole? Like, is this a common, is this what kids just do now? Yes. Straight for the beat. Yeah. Totally. It's straight for, what about the veg?

What about the vagina? Both. Both. That's like the ass is the appetizer. Is this true? Yeah, everyone's eating ass. You're 50. I've asked the kids.

Duncan's spot on. It's a sign that you're really committed. You're so committed, you're willing to eat an ass. Yeah. Oh, he's into me. Yeah. Oh, guys. See, this is why I need you guys, because I don't read it that way.

Well, the tongue punch part is important. Because, you know, there's obviously modes of eating ass. Sure. There's the, you know, just licking the ass. Oh, okay. And then there is, is this person so romantically, poetically put it? There's the tongue punch. This is where you're inserting your tongue, obviously into the ass.

And in this case, he's like, it's like a woodpecker. Yeah. Wait. Oh, so, oh, I see. Gosh, you know, I'm so glad you're here for this because you see these subtleties that I didn't even understand. Yeah. Okay, so he's really aggressively going to eat my ass. Passionately, it's a tongue punch.

He's pushing through. You might be resisting. No, you're not. No, you're not. No, you're not. No, he's going to punch his tongue. Punch it. Through and in.

That's so cool. Yeah. And look at the timestamp. 248 a.m. Perfect. Perfect. Perfect. Can we see it? Can we look at his profile real quick? I'm just so curious. Do you, or is it blurred for life? We can't see. 82 followers. 82 followers, five posts. I mean, that's a lot of followers for five posts.

Tongue punch or fart box. I don't even knew that was a phrase. Well, I would say that is him embracing your shadow side. Yeah, I know. I like it. Listen, it's flattering. I don't even know if he's talking about eating ass. That could just be a way of saying like, I'm going to embrace everything that you are. Oh, yeah. Tunkin? Yeah. Yeah. Everything. That's so sweet.

It's sweet. I didn't even think of it that way. Yeah. He's like, even the dirtiest, filthiest part of you, I will embrace and love. Wow. More than embrace. You know, tongue punch. Wow, it's so cool, dude.

All right, let's keep going because these are just getting better and better. This one's cool. Hey, if you need some dick, just let me know. Just let me know. That's amazing. You, it's casual. Yes. I like that because he's like, hey, I'm here.

It's like putting out a hanky. Yeah. You know, like, hey, I'm just, if you want to court me, like, I'm here. Yeah. Just let you know. Yeah, you're right. I kind of like that. But, you know, just, I don't know.

I mean, this is what I do with my neighbors. When I move into a place, I just, not a hanky. I'm just like, hey, if you need some dick, let me know, milk, whatever. Milk or dick. Just let me know. Just let me know. Yeah, so casual. I do like the

the casualness of it. Like no pressure. I like that there's no, because I don't like the aggressive plays. Let me, let me dick you down and tongue punch your butt. Like I like that he's like, just let me know.

It's just there. If you want to pick it up, I put it down there. It's for you. It's for the lady's choice. Ladies choice, 8.19 p.m. So it's a decent time.

It's a decent time. You're right. It's a dignified time. He's gainfully employed. Like he's... For sure. Yeah, he's doing some right. Okay. Let's keep going.

Okay, this is a picture of me. But then there's no picture. Now that. That's who you want. This one gets my vote because this is so deep. When you think of yourself, you know, when you really look deep and like, who am I? Nothing. Nothingness. I am no self.

The more you zoom in, the more granular it gets until there's just the great emptiness. Yep. This is an awakened being showing you, look, this is a picture of me. Nothing. The universe, everything, nothing and everything together. Dude, I'm so glad you're doing this with me. You're seeing stuff that I didn't even think about, bro. And not only that, it's 6.13 a.m.

He's up doing yoga probably, freaking his matcha. like ready to embrace the day. My guess is he's meditating and did this with his mind into his phone. Like what this is a, this is an advance being. Yeah. Bookmark this one. Okay, Josh, put this one as a lot. Look at the number of followers.

How many? Synchronicity. Oh my God. 333, angel numbers. Oh my God. This could be an angel. Oh, my God. 333.

Three, look at that. Three threes. That makes, it's nine. Three threes. That's nine. That's the Trinity. Oh, wow. Number nine. It's the, number nine. Oh, my God. Number nine, number nine. Yeah. Is that what that is? Is that what that means? Yeah. These are very sacred numbers. These are angel numbers. He knows that. And he knows that. And that's why he waited until he got to three hundred and three followers. And he waited till six, 13. Which 13, by the way, is a sacred number in Tibetan Buddhism. He knew that. This guy's awesome. Josh, call him up. I mean, find him.

Call him. Get him to submit. You got it. Can I have another? What do you call those things again? Darts. Can I have a dart? Thank you.

We're on a crazy train, dude. Give me a model. You know what's so great when I was in a, the UK. You know, they put all these creepy pictures of like death and stuff on these cigarettes. Yeah. It's so much better than the fucking logo. Like little do they know, I'm like, yo, I want the eyeball. I want the fucking clogged arteries. Yeah, they really don't understand. What did, what did, what did, what did it? What did he call it? The death wish. They don't understand that that's actually just amplifying people's addiction. Yeah, it's called marketing. It's so brilliant.

All right, let's go on. This is the last one, you guys, until I send you more. Here we go. Wow, this one's a fucking dissertation. Can you scroll, do you mind scrolling down a little bit? I can't see the top part. I can just start where, is that okay? The top, I get it. You had to blur the top.

Okay. I have no money and no clout. Yeah. I'm a good dude. Okay. And I know I can out fuck Tom with both my hands and leg tied behind my back. I don't know. Tom's a pretty great leg.

I'll shag the absolute snod out of you and make you feel sexy like you deserve. Hey, nothing is sexier than getting fucked to the point that snot is flying out your nose. Is that a thing? Oh yeah. I don't know that was even a saying or a, wow. Oh no, he's British. I'll shag the absolute snort out of you and make you feel sexy like you you deserve. You have to read it with a, I'll try. I'm not very good at that about. Stupid English answer. A leg toe behind me back. I'll shag the absolute snot out of you and make you feel sexy like you deserve. I'll beat that vaginal fluid in the firm egg whites I'll give you more pleasure in one hour

than Tom has in your whole marriage the after what the the hold on period lowercase the comma the after giving you that what I don't know dude after giving you to that sexual

healing you deserve we may well hit it off because I'll I'm actually good, I'm actually a good dude. If we happen to eat it off for multiple levels, I'll be willing to make you happy as we live our best loves. I don't know what accent this is. I'll just go back to me. It's like something that's a horrible.

I love it. I love it. We live our best loves. Spending that divorce settlement. You turn Australian. I know. That's great. Holler.

Holler. So this, okay, wow. Holler. Does people, people still say, holler. He does. Well, there's a lot here. There's a lot of offers. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, this is, you know, this is what we call champagne problems. Right. 100%. Listen. This is incredible. I mean, like, in a lifetime. I know. Does anyone get this many beautiful men tapping at their door? And I know

right now, obviously, like, you're heartbroken. I'm not ready. You're not ready. No. But at least, you know, people are bringing you flowers. People are writing you poems. It would be easy once you're in the bubble of marriage to think that they're no more gentlemen. That's true. And this shows that romance is not dead. I know.

It does re-ignite my belief in humanity. I've never heard that somebody beating your vaginal fluid into firm egg. Firm egg whites. Firm. Is that possible? Is that a thing? I don't know. I mean, I just want to point out, you know, he did set.

I mean, you haven't experienced it with Tom. But, you know, for me, if, like, I don't see snot flying out of my lady's head. And if I'm, if there aren't just pulpy egg white, gloopy blobs falling out. Yeah, it sounds like he's with women that have infections. I don't think that's appropriate. I don't, yeah. With Ebola. There's the egg whites.

I don't think your vaginal fluid should turn into egg whites. No. That's not good. No. Yeah, no. It's not healthy. People with colds and yeast infections. Yeah, see,

soft peak. Okay, maybe. I don't know, not even that. Like, what? And by the way, I fucked Tom for 20 years. You're going to make it up to me in one hour,

20 years of fucking, and Tom, I had a great sex life. What are you talking about? Yeah, well, no. I mean, yeah, it's,

I would say it's important. probable? Is it possible? Yes. Is it probable? He should get points, though, for, you know, confidence. This is a man who's very confident. And that's such an important trait in a dad. You don't want some insecure. Do you see that? Wow. I almost let my hair on fire. Synchronicity. Synchronicity. Follow the signs. You nailed it. You nailed it. I love these synchronicities. Yeah. Egg whites. Disgusting. Have you guys ever fucked a girl until her fluid turned into? egg whites? Is that even a...

I don't think you want that. No. I wouldn't like that, I don't think. It's possible, but you get tired up pretty quickly. What's this thing about fluid and vaginas? Usually when I make love to women, they're very dry. That was so funny. What is this? I got to tell you, I haven't laughed this hard in a long time, so.

Thank you so much. This has been a dark fucking month. and um we're here for you why am i crying about that laughing that that was really funny what do you mean that made me laugh so hard that's so shit what fuck i love you i'm just glad we're friends okay me too now look we've gone through my potential dating you know what i love more than anything or my talks and do you think i'm gonna fucking give up cultivating tic-toks i hope not never

Never. Never going to give up. It's a relief. All right, here we go. Let's get this fucking bitch started. I'm so glad you're doing this. I was afraid of it left out of this episode. I wouldn't blame me if it was. We got five fans going in this bedroom here.

We have a 1986 galaxy 3713. 1989 galaxy 3723. A 1980 cut-tonged 16 inch oscilling table fan model LB-116. A 2003 Alaska Cyclone 18-inch Ocelain pedestal fan And the 1997, 1996-37 Alaska-23 All running on full blast at once Second 4747-Cyclone here

This is how we'll be sleeping tonight Yes! Yes, dude! Have a good night. Thank you. Good night! The hottest man on earth! I mean, look, I will say this guy is

AC systems better than mine. Yeah. He's got like 10 fans running from the 70s and shit. I mean, is that what he said? Like they're from like, wow. And he knows the names. That was not written down. Like he's looking at them.

He knows exactly what they are. Off the cuff. Off the cuff. I like the personally, my favorite fan is the blue one, the old school one. Oh yeah, I love those. Those are like classic.

They work the best. You can put things in them and play with them. I don't like box fans. I don't either. They take up too much room. You fall over. all the time. Yeah. And they don't oscillate.

Like, the secret is the movement. Right. Right. Like that blue fan, dude. Yeah, but when you got that many fans on you, you're going to sleep great. Hold on. Let's pick our favorite one. Let's really pay attention now to what he's saying. And then you tell me which is your favorite fan and why.

Okay. Fucking. Oh. Fucking dumb shit. We got five fans going in this bedroom here. Five. You got five. We have a 1986 galaxy 3713.

Eighty-six. Eighty-six. A 1989 galaxy 3723. A 1980 Tautong 16 inch oscilling tidal fan model LB.J.116. Yeah. A 2003 Lasco Cyclone, 8.1ch oscillating pedestal fan. And the 1997, 1996-37, Lasco 37233. All running on full blast at once.

Sika 747 cyclone in here. This is how we'll be sleeping tonight. Yes. All right, Duncan. Have a good night. You've seen them all. It's the tectong, obviously. I'm sorry, which one is that?

The blue one, the tectong LBJ-498. The blue. You're going for the blue. Yeah, it's a tectong. Yeah, okay. I'm going for the cyclone, the one that is on the stand. Because I feel like you've got the best of both worlds. Like, you've got a stand and the oscillation.

Can we cut to that real quick? Is that possible to go back to that one? I'm going to go for the tectong. That one. Because imagine that one, like, you can place that anywhere in the room. room and it's going to have direct and and I believe it oscillates I'm not sure I'd like to think it does I know I guess you're going form over function oh no function over form always function I think I think the tectong it just it's got that blue sheen it's aesthetically pleasing yeah I really like the tectong and I get it because but I could just put the tectong up on books or something I get it though that one's more convenient but then aren't you worried like what if it falls down in the night yep the books and you know yep yeah the books could shift or something that's I don't know. I'm a little, and what if your cat comes in the middle of the night and knocks it over or something, you know? Yeah. You got to think about those things. Are cats. If you have cats. He's got cats.

Of course he's got cats. All the best people have cats, right, Josh Solo? Yep. Cat guys are the best. I'm going to go for a cat guy next. I'm serious. I'm into cats now and I'm... Mark Marin. I used to... Don't you tempt me with a good time? Marin's got a girlfriend. He's got girlfriends. He's got girlfriends. I'm too old. He's not into me. I don't know about that. All right. Let's go. So me and Peggy are adding a third person into our relationship.

We are now taking applications for that third person in our relationship. It will cost you $100,000 just for that application. Wow. It will cost you $150,000 just to get in our relationship with us. Okay. That is right. So that is $250,000 you have to have up front. to get in a relationship with us.

That's right. The most beautiful woman and her wife are adding a third person to our relationship. And again, I'm going to repeat this. It is a $100,000 application fee. It is $150 additional dollars to get into the relationship with us once we approve the application. Holy shit. Y'all have a good day and stay blessed. Wow. That is incredible. Well, like, where's Peggy?

Why am I not even seeing what she looks like before I invest $150,000 to apply? Is she the one beeping, do you think? I kept trying to, is it their car is beeping or is it like, there's like an ambulance behind them? I think it's an affect. Whoever curated this added it. But, I mean, that's a lot of. I don't know. I've never lived the Polly lifestyle,

but is that customary to take money for applicants? Well, I don't know where things are of that. That is something I meant to ask you, though. Yeah. You know, are you open to a polycule? I mean, here's the thing. I feel like why not just fuck a bunch of different people? Right.

Because now you're dealing with three people's emotional dramas and like, isn't it just easier to be single and have sex with many people and not have to be monogamous? Like, I don't understand. What's the benefit of a polycure? Child care. Fuck, never mind.

Sign me up. All women. I want, I want 10 women. There you go. There you go. So, yeah, you know, I think I would send an application in and not the fee

and just out of curiosity to see the response because, you know, it could be a joke or something. But a quarter of a million dollars is a lot. To risk. He's not joking. No, he's not. And he's got his nails painted. Did you see his nail polish?

Yeah, I did. I noticed it. Can you rewind a little bit? I just want to look at the teeth. Well, that's always the... I am curious about that, though. Like, that formation, would you see sometimes? How does that happen?

I mean... No judgment, but look at my snarled things. I'm just curious. There's judgment. I judge. But how does it do it? Do that. Like, you see that sometimes where it tilts up.

Okay, I have a theory, just a theory, grinding. Like, if you're on a lot of meth and maybe you're grinding. Grinding. I don't know, any, you're kind of familiar with these types. You guys have seen. It looks like she's been doing a lot of tongue punching. That's a she. Oh, it's a he.

Whoops. The slant. Anyway, yeah, I think he's been doing a lot of tongue punching. That's all that is. Oh, he's an ass. He's just pushing the teeth forward with the tongue, you know. Gotcha. Well, shit, man.

I mean, the audacity to put an application fee is, you're not going to, I don't know, you're not going to find quality people if you're putting a price point on your, your love? I think he just got stung by bees. Like it looks like, he's got filler in all the wrong places. Okay, let's see, what else? Oh, fuck. Good evening.

Jim Kleinpenter. Here. A little posting. Nice. Hope you're all doing good. Thank you. It's hot out. It's hot out.

That's it? That's how it fucking ends. Oh, that's the most sinister shit I've ever seen in my life. Wow. But there are so many people on these, on like that, like TikTok and Instagram, where they just want to make sure you're doing okay. And then they want to comment about how hot summer is. as if he hasn't lived through

fucking 80 summers and they're all hot like why point out the obvious he's lived through 80,000 summers he's shooting that from his coffin that's a nonsferratu right there oh a vampire I would love to date I want immortality this is perfect boom right there

and also they fill out when they drink your blood like he probably hasn't fed in a few years but do you think he'll make me a vampire because that's always been the hope Oh yeah, isn't it just if they feed off of you, it depends. No. If you're doing the Anne Rice version. Thank you for knowing.

You have to, they have to let you suck back. Correct. They have to, the intent has to be to make you one of them. But I think the classic, it just, the bite of a vampire will turn you into a vampire. That's not true, Duncan. Really? Where did you hear that? Isn't that, I always thought that was like Dracula.

Well, I'm reading Dracula right now. It's so good. No, I know. It's amazing. But like, I haven't gone to the part. Well, I don't know. Can you look it up, please? Like, did Dracula, like the old school, the book version?

If he just bites you, do you become a vampire? And you perish, you become a vampire. Like, you gradually die and don't you become, like, a vampire? But I thought you just became, like, bewitched by Dracula. Initially bewitched, but eventually a vampire. I could be right. I know. Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

God, I've needed to get to the bottom of this. Wait, hold on. Okay, hold on. You read it. Okay. And Dracula, a single bite does not automatically turn you, turn someone into a vampire. A bite causes blood loss and weakness. The victim gradually comes under Dracula's influence.

They become pale, exhausted. The crucial step is drinking. I just embarrassed myself. I'm so sorry. I lost all goth credibility. I'm gone. I'm done. I'm sorry.

Come on. For some reason, I thought the infection just turns you into a, uh, yeah. No, babes. No, that's just you're just prey. So I don't want to just be prey. I want to be made into a vampire. Right. Oh, so Lucy becomes a vampire.

Dracula feeds on her repeatedly over several nights. She grows weaker. Despite multiple blood transfusions, she eventually dies. She rises from the grave as a vampire. Yeah. Well, how is... I mean, so then... Dracula...

Does that negate the whole thing? I don't know. He must have given her some blood. By contrast, Mina is bitten and forced to drink Dracula's blood. but Dracula is destroyed before she dies as a result the curse is lifted and she remains human interesting I mean so here we go the synopsis one bite injury and blood loss repeated feedings progressive corruption drinking Dracula's blood plus dying afterward complete transformation into a vampire I need to do that how far along are you in Dracula? I'm like at the beginning it's my favorite part he's just

What are you talking about? What are you talking about? Oh my God, the trip up into the Carpathian. That's where I met, bro. I love it. Same. And the warnings. Everyone's telling him, what are you fucking doing?

And his elitism, he's not lit. Oh, these superstitious fools. And then the way Dracula, like, invite, like says, like, three times you're doing this of your own free will. It's so creepy. He's such a dummy. That's how everybody gets into trouble, though. We all do that. All the signs are there.

don't do it. And you realize, like, it's all my choice. Yeah. I've decided to go into a fucking vampire castle. Yes. That's so funny you say that because I was reading, it's 100% where I was reading that. I was like, oh, this is me.

This could be me. This is any human who's like, they're telling you, hey, I'm a vampire. I'm a vampire. I will suck your blood. I will fuck your life up, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And you're like, that's cool. Well, maybe I should stick around.

Why do we all stick around? Just go. Isn't it wild? Just get out of there. He's kind of sucks of blood, I know. Yeah, that's why you can't really, usually you can't blame yourself. You know, because it's just like, you win it.

You did that. You knew. You knew. So this guy is Dracula. Cool. Okay. Damn, he's fast. Yeah.

No, he's good. There's a lot of guys with nunchucks. There's a lot of guys with guns that I like to play. He's good. Can I have a cigarette play? Yeah, of course. Yeah. Oh, my God.

Yeah. Can you play it again? Like, that is. Yeah, yeah. Isn't that actually kind of impressive? Like, that's a quick draw. No, he's good. Okay, here we go.

Oh, fuck shit. Piece of shit, bitch. Yeah, that's good. Wow. Now, is he in a Winnebago? Like, that's his... That's a Winnebago. Yeah.

Some kind of RV. No shade. I mean, I'm a huge fan. I love Winnebagoes. Me too. I actually do love RVs. Are you going to get one? You know, I can't, I mean, like, eventually, but yeah, I can't get a Winnebago.

Can I tell you, so when I did road rules in the 90s, the only problem is that you can't take a shit or piss in them because the sun just cooks the stuff. And then, so you, like, what's the point if I can't shit in my mobile home? Well, you could piss in a Winnebago. It still stinks to high heaven. I mean, once the sun cooks it, you got to stop. And then you have to stop at an RV park and, like, unload the piss and the shit. Oh my God. When I came back from Burning Man in an RV,

all these burners have been pissing and shitting in my RV. And I went to an RV park and I had to empty it, you know? And there's a place where you can empty it. But like, I don't know how to really. Now, who knows how to do that? And I'm, like, trying to get this burning man just drug-soaked shit diarrhea, just condoms and God knows what. I'm trying to get that, like, into the place.

I don't even know. I don't even know the words for it. I'm trying to screw it in, but it's just like, I'm not thinking about like the hot piss and shit that's splattering onto my hand. And this, this dude at the RV park, like an angel came over witnessing that I was at this choice. I had to choose between holding it against this thing that I couldn't get it screwed on to and allow a slow drizzle of burning man shit and piss to spray on my hands and clothes or let it go and then create a, an environmental apocalypse for the RV park and he like he fixed it for me

and got burner shit and piss on his hand he did angel did you have to like blow him or I blew him while he was doing it and he didn't even ask I was just so grateful to not be covered in Burning Man excrement I've only ever been a spectator at Burning Man

I did a TV show where I got to go in and like interview people but I've never done it per se doesn't the filth bother you The playa sand And the shitting and pissing in The poor bodies are foul Like no one

Disastrous But what's amazing about Burning Man versus other festivals Is how clean it is Like they keep it clean Like it's No Where do you shower

Because I remember they were like There was like a truck With a hose Yeah What are you a millionaire? But then how do you fuck Okay here's my And this is literally what I think about

But how do you fuck people in, well, there's playa sand, in your vaj, in your ass, you can't shower after you fuck. Like, it's gross. No? Wet wipes. Wow. Wet wipes. Wow. And some camps do have showers.

Like, there are, like, there's ways to do it where if you desperately need a shower because you've been so weakened by society that, oh, I've got to wash myself. That's who you've become. Be skilled. Dehumanized. So yeah, you desperately need some showers. So you take it, it is, it can be done. Our camp had a, had a little gravity shower in it where you could, you could clean yourself off. Hold on. Are you considered an inferior Burning Man participant because you're showering?

Like, is it looked down upon in the community? I don't think it's looked down upon because it depends. Like the controversy at Birding Bay is the plug and play camps, as they're called, which are these essentially like super wealthy people. set up these camps and you know rich people fly in and they go into these super nice catered camps but Bernie Man's kind of open that was the idea you wander from one camp

to the next camps have bars in them camps everything's free at these camps oh that's cool I didn't realize that and then these like you know super rich camps pop up that have like security and suddenly you can't go into them so they weed out who can go in and who cannot Yeah, and those camps get attacked.

Like, that happened one year where this, like, super fancy plug-and-play camp got decimated by burners in the night who, like, fucked them up pretty bad. But, yeah, so there are, like, you know, fancy camps like that. But also, you don't, you realize, like, it's not like Coachella. It's more of a survival. Right. Like, doesn't that negate the purpose of going at Burning Fair? Yeah, like, why would you be hoity-to-y at the Burning Man? Like isn't the point you make your float, you make your...

Yeah. It's about like being a hippie. I mean, the saying is fuck your burn. Which is just like, you're like, my burn's all man. I can't believe this is happening. It's just like fuck off. Like with this, your idea of what it was supposed to be. Like, just stop.

It's, it, that's what's making you miserable. That being said, the last few years seem to have been a nightmare of it. Don't get me going on burning, man. Sounds like it's very... You just lost. Whoever's watching this. I guarantee you it like, like, thanks. Thousands of people stopped watching.

Very upsetting. It's the best. You would like it. Like I said, I've been a spectator. My one problem is the toileting and the shower. I would go had it not, if it not were. If it, if not for. If not for.

The hygiene. I'm a woman. I need to wash my vagina, my asshole. I need to shower every day. I like smelling nice. That part, is there, if there was like a four seasons. Get an RV. Is there a courtyard marriage?

riot even. There's an RV. You rent an RV. They have showers in them. I've done that on road rules. It was horrible. It's horrible. But I'll tell you, all these thoughts, all these things that you think you need at the burn, it's going to go one way or the other. You realize, I actually do you need this? And then you can leave. Or you realize that stuff doesn't really matter. That's true. As much as I thought. That's true. You know? That's cool. Listen, I like the principle. I just don't like the accommodations rather I would be that asshole flying in my

pack and play I think that there's ways to mitigate that though I mean this is I think it's okay to do that Are we going to Burning Man this year? Yeah! I would love it When is it? It's middle of summer right? We'll let Aaron take care of the kids fly into the burn

That would be great Aaron would love that Watch all four of the kids while Duncan and I go to And it's like the hottest time that they choose. Why do they have to do this when it's like 120 degrees on the playa? You know, actually it gets really cold at night. It just depends. But, you know, look, it's, I'm not going to talk about it anymore after this.

Why? Well, people don't want to hear someone ramble about it. It's like hearing someone talk about ayahuasca. Oh, they love it. No, it's one of the most incredible things I've ever experienced and one of the most beautiful things I've ever experienced. And one of the most mystical things I've ever, truly, it's the craziest. You feel like you're in a parallel timeline. You look around at what's happening and you realize like, this also is a way people can hang out together.

We don't have to blow each other up and we don't have to exploit each. Look at what's happening here. It's beautiful. That is nice. And so absurd and silly and so completely philosophically diverse. Like there's so many different. camps there. There's like the AA camp, sober camps, there's gutter drunk camps. There's a nihilist camp, believe it or not, a camp of nihilists that they put at the very edge of the flyer who are just

like grumpy and like skateboard and graffiti their own camps. And there's like Elon Musk comes and like go like everyone has art cars is what they call them. These insane cars. And so like Musk and goes like his is like a a yacht that's been converted into a car. Anyone can get on and off of it. It's super cool. Maybe August 30th. It's a month from now. Oh, yeah, we're not doing.

We don't have time to build. It would be, yeah, there's no time. But that being said, one guy wanted to see what would happen if he went there completely naked. So with no one. So he walked into Burning Man with no clothes just to see what happened. Also, they have an ultra marathon there, which is hilarious. where people

like athletes I would hate that well yeah because people are handing them drugs as they're running by but I love the idea of showing up naked and just seeing who will care for you

I think that's really special that's actually right isn't that the purpose or sorry is that guy like horny and the wire provides yeah listen I like the hippie principles I'm not against it

but I don't know okay here we go fucking well the arena There she is right there. Everything ran off from cooking. Tyana, Uncle Bobby, Marie, and I'm behind the camera.

We get it. Codagh Bridge. Y'all come on. Come on now. I mean, he's like, I'm behind the camera. Like, yeah, no shit, dummy. And I don't, the only thing, this dinner slaps, like, I would eat this immediately.

Me too. I don't like his accent. What is that? What? That's a, isn't that I'm going to Louisiana and I hear all going to gather around? I don't know, I'm going to have all the dachs with dessert. I ain't over here to say 17 sausages.

Oh, I hate it. I like, dude, that is a real Southern family meal. You got, that is definitely not Diet Coke. No. That is Coca-Cola, ample salt everywhere. Yeah. Fuck it. You put the whole pot on the table and, and, yeah.

The Texas toast, I'm a huge fan. I love that shit, dude. Oh, my God. Just look at that. I just hate his dumb accent. Honestly, I just, I don't want him to talk. But I like his food. Big pharma, pharmaceutical execs,

watch this, you know, just like, thank you. They're all fat and dying because we're eating this shit. So much butterbread. Oh, okay. Butter bread. So good. What's going on, Kahn?

Got the spray TMA for the big night tonight. So look out, mate. Once I rinse it off, it'll look a bit more even, it looks better. But at the moment. It's going to look better. It's not bad, yeah. It sucks. Have you ever had a spray town?

It's horrible. I hate it so much. I jerked off in a spray tampo once. Isn't that fucked up? Wait, before they came to tan you? During the tan... No, this is one where you going to autotans. No one's there, and I don't know why I got horny and jerked off in there. Is that horrible?

No. I was looking back and thinking like, Jesus Christ, that's like kind of a... Is that a sex crime? Yeah, definitely. You're not supposed to jerk off in public. Well, no one could see it was closed. Well, that's why it's safe. It's a safe space for you.

I feel like they encouraged you to masturbate. Okay. No one did. Well, let's put this in perspective. They're like, get naked. Yeah, you have to. You're private. Yeah.

Two. Okay. And then we'll, we'll cascade your body with these beautiful soft caresses. Like, who wouldn't jerk off? I feel like that should be part of the sun tanning process. If we lived in a healthy society, everyone would jerk. off in spaces like that. Of course.

Dressing rooms. Bathrooms at the airport. It wouldn't be guys shitting. It'd be guys jerking off because the erotic nature of being in a private public space. You're right. No, you're right. Thank you. You're welcome.

Thank you for accepting that. Well, I also feel like, too, like when you go to, like a spa, like I kind of feel the inclination to masturbate, too, when you're like, I'm in this jacuzzi. Nobody's here. Right. I could totally get away with this right now. I mean, I don't. You just made me remember.

What? Childhood memory in a swimming pool by my dad's apartment. Just swimming around. This dude had situated himself right on top of one of the jets and was loudly groaning as he came from the jet on his dick. Like, kids are swimming. You just see him like, oh. Yeah. Oh, that's healthy.

How old are you? Like, what you're saying is that's good. Especially a public pool. Wait, there was a public pool? Yeah. It was like in one of those apartment pools. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's so cool.

That's so cool. Yeah, it's cool. He was a cool guy. And, you know, he jizzed into the water, of course. And into the jet, meaning that his jizz was ejected into the pool. His jizz was rocket. launched into the pool. A kind of mini galaxy of jizz spreading out in the pool.

It's so cool. We have to be more open with ourselves. Yeah, they really are the better. You guys want to see that. Yeah, that's really cool. How old are you when you saw that? I don't know, probably like 14, 13. Oh, so you know.

I was old enough to enjoy watching him come. Oh, God. Oh, fuck. I mean, the audacity. That's great. To come. And here's the thing. It did grunt.

He couldn't even do a silent come. He couldn't do a sneak come. He had to, like, loudly vocalized. Yeah. I mean, that's just, that's just performative. Yep. He's trying to seek attention. I also, I also know, like, okay, so if he's in, like, because I've grown up in an apartment complex like that, he lives there, dude.

Like, that's Roger. Yeah. Oh, oh, I didn't even think of that. Reason 2F. Yeah, you're right. Why would you come in the pool? Right. Your neighbors are like, hey, Roger, what are you doing?

I don't know. I guess some people aren't repressed. I guess some people aren't sex negative in this world. I guess some people are comfortable with who they are. And the pursuit of pleasure is not necessarily evil. Is this the complex you grew up in? No, this is like a divorce. This is where you go.

You're sad dad. This is what summer. This is where my dad was living one summer I would go up the street and buy whipped cream cans And do you whip it Then go back and swim and watch dudes come in the pool Yeah why is dad's house always debauchery It's like Sodom and Gomorrah

My dad was a saint like just naked sunbathing Chicks over Just so gross Porn everywhere Everywhere yours too? Oh yeah Same I'm saw porn so early because my dad did not bother to hide it. Yeah.

I'm like, could you at least put, there was Playboy magazine in the bathroom that I used. Yeah. So you're like, oh, it's naked chicks. And you're like, this is crazy. I still remember a song from one of my dad's porn tapes. Like I can, it's, it's, the, the, the, the, you could, it was called deviations. This is the name of, hold on. I need a cigarette for deviations.

Let's talk about this. Now, this is a whole other lane. You've just unlocked trauma for me. Go ahead. Let's go. Okay. It's called Deviations. The essentially a girl band can't pay rent.

I believe this is the first sex scene in deviations. This is permanently imprinted on my mind. Yeah. Yeah, the landlord, Jewish dude, comes over to collect rent. How do you know he's a Jew? They say it. Pull it up. I mean, you could probably find deviations.

We're going to have a flashback. Pull up deviations. This is the first time I'd ever seen. Oh my God. This is the first time I even knew about ass eating. So a synchronicity is happening right now. Because the landlord ate one of the landlord. Synchronicities everywhere.

He ate this girl's ass. And I still remember her going. And I didn't know it was called reaming. So I didn't know the name. So she's like, ream me, Morris. Reem me. How old are you when you're saying this? I probably was like, I don't know, 12, 11.

Oh, yeah. That's nice. Is that it? Is that? Oh, my God. This is deviations. Oh, my God. Yeah, this is it.

There's Morris. I'm sorry. I don't know. Maybe he's circumcised. That doesn't mean he's Jewish. I don't know. I love how back in the day people had pubic hair and we're just, like, look how normal their bodies looked.

They're right there. She's saying, ream me, Morris, ream me right there. He's eating her ass. Yeah. Oh, no. he goes this is the fart but isn't this nice i feel like this is like the olden days of porn yeah where it was like fun she doesn't seem like she's suffering or hurting no he's not hurting her not at all it's not like yeah no this is oh sweet exactly that's why it was okay to leave it around for 11 girls

can you imagine can you fucking imagine like leave first of all my dad to his credit did try to hide the porn He did. Oh, yeah, but give me a break in hiding that from two boys. Yeah. So we would fight it. And, yeah, I still remember the song from this. Aw. We're the deviations.

We think up new creations. It's not a bad song for a porno. It's a great killer song. Look, they put a budget into this. There's extras. Mm-hmm. No, this isn't bad. Yeah.

This was the Tropicana Apartments when I was watching this. A dead of depravity. There they are, the deviations. Those are the deviations, yeah. Oh, they're cute. Yeah. This is like Gem and the holograms. Yep.

Oh, this is cool. This was the inspiration for Jim and the Hologram. I mean, I feel like they put so much more production value into these old 80s porn. Like, it needed a setup. But like anybody watched this part. Didn't you just forward through? Fast forwarding through this. No one's ever watched.

This is probably the first time anyone played that all the way through in the history of the movie. Everyone's a give it. I don't want to watch these. Okay, here's what happened. Sorry, that girl is like fucking the EP or whatever. And she's like, yes, I'll do the movie, but you have to feature my band or my music. He's like, God damn it. Yeah.

But he's like, I want to fuck her. Yeah, I'll do it. The deviations, really? Yeah. But she's like, I have to sing in the movie. Okay, fine. I'll do it. I miss pubs.

I miss, like, normal bodies. Doesn't this make you miss, like, real tits and real. people. Yep. We used to look human. Remember when we looked like people? Yeah. We were eating each other's asses in the sun and we had pubs.

Whoa. Oh, I thought that was a guy sucking a dick. Okay. I was like, damn, he's going for it. See, look how, like she's got little hungry tits, but that's okay. She's got perfect little tiny. They're not like big fake melons.

No, this is sensual. Yeah, it's lovely. He really loves her. Like in this shoot, you could tell. He really loves her. And she loves him. if you love each other Yep

Okay now let's do mine You ready? Yeah God this is a deep cut We're sharing so much on today's I know I think I've shared too much Of course we're gonna have such a shame spiral After we go home today

That means you did a good podcast I know okay My porno was called fast girls Okay Okay let me think of the premise Okay this guy employed women To steal cars Cool.

Yeah, so I was kind of like, all right, that's kind of tight. Like these chicks are in power, you know? Yeah. And I like the scenes because they were, like I said, consensual. Oh, fast girls. Oh, fast girls. Nice work, y'all. Wow, that was so quick.

How did you find it? You got that VPN. Send this to me, okay? I want to go down. Oh, yeah, yeah, this is the opening. This is the opening. Okay, so she's, look at her. Oh, she's acting.

This is in Van Nuys, clearly. Wow. And she's like, I can jimmy up. open this BMW and here she goes. Oh my god. You guys are taking me back to such early childhood trauma. I was like nine when I saw this for the first time. Again, look at the production value. Good. Good. For now. Look at this. And she was hot. This is natural. This is before like, lipo and tit jobs. She's like, I'm going with this car. The cinematography is incredible in this. Yeah. Oh, look at that. Not bad. Okay, so she's going to bring it in. And then the boss man's going to be like,

We need to steal more cars or whatever the premise is. I don't even remember. Because who watches the premise, let's be real. Tempo presents. Tempo. I love that font. I do too. Oh, my.

I cannot believe I'm watching. This could be the font for your dating show. Date my mommy? Yeah. Carina. Carina. Gale. Gale Force.

Shelly. Shellicant. Viper. I liked Viper because she was tough. Yeah. Peter North. Peter North. Classic. Old school, yeah.

Ron Jeremy. All the hits. All right. Well, fast forward. Come on. What are you doing? Okay, let me see. Oh, there's Ron Jeremy.

There he is. He's so gross. And I thought he was gross back then. Yeah. Like, I never thought he was hot. Oh, I remember these two guys on this one chick. Wow, this is really bringing back some good times. Wow.

Yeah. Yeah, they tag team. or whatever. But Rod Jeremy did have chutzpah. What he lacked in looks, he really did have a good personality. Yeah, he had something. Oh, look at that bush.

Can I have that much bush? Or no. I can do that much bush? Sure, why not? Stop. It's trimmed. With the undercarriage is smooth. Yeah.

You have to have a smooth undercarriage. That's a smooth undercarriage. Yeah. Okay. Are those, as you would say, hungry tits? Yeah. I mean, I had like, quadruing. D's before I had a mastectomy?

No, these are... How old were you when you were watching this? Nine, ten. So, so fucked up. What the fuck? So, that's what I'm a comic. Like, nothing was normal. Oh my God.

Yeah, so much pornography. Like, I don't know if I was... But this was enough, don't you think? Well, I mean, you have to ask, like, you know, it's like... I don't know if... Isn't it a form? You can turn this off. I think I'm good.

Thank you. I'm traumatized sufficiently. Go ahead. I don't know. I think it's a great question, which is, isn't that in the neighborhood of being, like, leaving shit like that? Yes. You know, you didn't give your kid a heroin. Like, you didn't shoot, you didn't put heroin into your kid, but you left your heroin laying around.

Of course. You're going to jail. Yeah. So. Yeah. It's similar, right? Like, yes. But no one thought it was back then.

It was, it was just kind of like, ah, come on, dad. I know. You know, it wasn't, these days I think it would be more frowned upon. Oh, of course. Well, these days find, the kids find porn on their phones. Yeah, I guess these days, like, yeah. It's just no man's land. Porn is everywhere.

It's like left around everywhere. God, I don't want my kids to fucking know that stuff. Wow, that was, that was a deep cut, dude. You and I got so deep today. A journey into the past. Fuck. Wow. Yeah, that brought me back to be.

like alone in my dad's house and finding that and then they're like what's this how much time did you spend alone in your dad's house just all the time all times or times I was alone same lachie kid yeah they like they like they they want you to come over they're like come over and then they're like see you later I'm going out why did you invite me here my dad had to work couldn't afford child care so yeah what would happen you would just go to work and you would take me to these video stores oh my god he's like you can rent the rule was and it's it now that I look at it's ironic that he would tell the person of the video so he could rent all the horror movies he wants

but no, nothing sexual and so I could rent I would rent eight, you would like, you can rent nine movies and I get it. He had dad guilt. In his mind it was like, this is great. And so I would just sit in this apartment watching the most

fucked up horror movies. I spit on your grave. The hills have eyes. And when I would take a break, I would go find his porn. And watch that and then go to the pool and watch dudes come into the pool. Yo, your childhood and mine were very similar. That doesn't sound very different, man.

It's, yeah, it's so debauchous. And I think, you know, look, I just don't think there was an awareness that children were children. I don't think there's an awareness that, like, we, you had to shield them from things in the 80s. It was like, yeah, well, whatever. And they don't know that kids go through stuff. It's not like my dad had these tapes out in the living room. Right. You know, you're like, you just had to open a drawer.

And they were still. Right. Fuck, man, it's dark. Well, I think it's sort of like probably in their minds compared to their childhood. Yes. This was a dramatic improvement. You know, when you hear this boomer's stories of their childhoods, it's generally pretty fucked up. And so then they.

you know, feel like they're mitigating it. Or maybe not, maybe some of them. Also, it feels like back then, especially when we were hanging out in our father's gross, porny apartments, this is the divorce boom of the 80s. This was a new, everyone's getting divorced. It was all kind of new. There wasn't as much of a focus on like, you know, we have to like not make our children an insane

like we are they were just getting hammered and shit and not really thinking about us they were taking us to bars you went to bars too are you kidding yeah really

I could same I can remember this drunk dude at a bar and I loved it by the way I loved it because my dad would give me a handful of quarters and I would just play

fucking video games it was awesome I didn't I didn't think about my dad getting hammered and this drunk dude coming up to me being like I want you know

you're grown Like you have this drunk trying to flatter my dad. Yeah. Yeah. The only difference is that I had Hungarian dudes coming up to me. Like the old botchy nannies and they had like bad cologne on and they were all bald or missing knuckles because they were carpenters and they would tell me like, your father is the greatest. Yeah, same shit. Yeah.

Do we just go to the beef and barrel in Canoga Park? The beef and barrel. What's in the barrel? Look up. Look up, see if you can find the beef and barrel in Canoga Park. It's, it no longer exists. But my dad and I, we would go there on a school night. And same thing.

He would give me some quarters. I'd go play fucking, what's the one with the worm? Centipede. And I'd be like, this is the best. And then I would go into the dance floor and I would dance with like, sailors who were off on leave or whatever to like mony, moony. and they would sing that chorus, hey, motherfucker, get laid, get

fucked. And I was like, this is the coolest. And then the next day I would go into third grade. And I would tell kids like, well, here's what I did last night. Dance with sailors, the beef and barrel. But I loved it, truly. And that's why I like comedy because

it felt very familiar to be in these dark adult spaces where debauchery and chaos happens. I liked it. I love comedy. Yeah, I don't, I, I so don't look back. I mean, I recognize how probably where parenting is concerned that it would not be considered great parenting. But people grow.

And like, I remember, like, starting comedy, broke as broke could be. And, you know, I don't think my dad had that much money. I know he didn't. He'd send me money that he didn't have. And you know what he always told me? I would, I'd be on the phone and be like, I don't know. I don't know if this is for me. I'm not going to do it.

you keep going. Aww. Yeah. Yeah, he was a, and so the drunk was right. He is a great man. He was really a great person. I don't want to sound like somebody like whimpering about their childhood.

You know, I recognize he was a flawed person just like me. But, you know, I don't want to like, I love him so much. You know, I miss him so much. Of course.

I mean, my dad too. I mean, I think because my parents were immigrants and such DIY punk rockers, they were like, fuck this country, fuck Hungary, like, we're gonna leave. Could you imagine one day? No. You're 19. You have not a penny to your name.

And you're like, I'm gonna escape. I'm gonna risk getting thrown into a glug and dying to get the fuck out of here. Incredible. To go to like a first world country and they landed in Canada. And then I was born there, you know, 14 years later and we came to America. I'm like, it's just wild. And what's been? think about what their daughter

ended up doing oh my god if you think about that isn't that crazy it's wild bro yeah it's wild it's wild what the fuck Josh that's the logo

babe it was a Northridge okay oh my this is my childhood the beef n barrel co Yeah, this is my dad's favorite bar. Can you find images of the bar from the...

I'm looking. Most are from a place with the same name in New York. I'm trying to find something from Northridge. Listen, the good thing about divorced dads and being a kid of divorce is you are left alone a lot, and that sucks in some regard. But didn't you develop a personality? An intrinsic, an inner life. Yeah. And like I got to dance with sailors when I was nine or ten.

It's like fucking who, what? This is bananas. And I didn't end up a heroin addict. I didn't end up a hooker, thankfully. But yeah, what a bizarre life. Wow. I don't even know what it's like to have a normal life. Can you imagine?

Wouldn't want one. Oh, no. Yeah, I, book of Job. Let's get biblical here. Book of Job. Job, God takes everything. away from Job. Pox's plagues.

Yeah. Fucks him up. This is apparently God's most loyal servant. I know. Why does he do that to the nice guy? I never liked that part. You sound like Job. Job said the same thing. He's like, what the fuck? Yeah. And I think my favorite verse, maybe in the Bible, is when

God says to him something on the lines of who are you to judge that which created the Leviathan? Who basically just saying, like, you don't understand. You can. You can't. You know, getting caught up in the whys of things and becoming, you know, obsessed with the past. There it is.

The beef and barrel. But that's Scottsdale. That's not the one I grew up. No, no. Anyway, I don't, I guess I just throw my hands up. Like, who knows? One less darting. Yeah, let's do it.

Who knows why or what? No, babes. And it's all for the, for your soul's evolution. Yeah. It is all for the best. Do you buy into that? Yeah. Yeah, me too.

No, I know it. I know it. I'm telling you. Ram Dass would say that. Well, I had my fucking spiritual. I'm telling you, bro. I know it's for your soul's evolution. You're trying to get out of, you're just trying to break a cycle or learn more.

Learn enough so that the next generation doesn't have to suffer in the same way. They're going to suffer differently. Yeah. It's all the game. You know what? Whether it's true or not, I think that's a great lens to look at things through. trauma. To look at it, like, you know, this is some kind of like a university or something. It is.

It's a teaching. We're clearly being taught, which I think you covered it earlier. We're being taught the central lesson, which is like, you know what doesn't go away? Love. Yeah. Yeah. Love, love, love. That's it. That seems to be the lesson. And there's other, like, little mini lessons and stuff, you know, like how to how to get the, porn tape back to the place where your dad's... Did you do that? Did you do that? Of course.

How do you think you do that? The capstone! You gotta get it back to the capstone! Oh, terrible. Oh my God, God, I'm so shamed of that. Yeah, how fun? God, I'm so shamed. Yeah.

That's so crazy. You did that too, though. And there's people listening right now that are like, yeah, I did the same thing. We all rewound the porno tape to where my dad finished jerking off. Like he's gonna remember. Yeah. He's going to remember. Wait, what the hell?

I was jerking off to the rim job scene. This is ridiculous. Now we're on the 69 scene. Boys, get in here off. Well, that's the thing. And, like, he's going to call you in and scold you and be like, have you guys been jerking off to my porno? And then you'd have to be like, well, yeah, obviously. Like, you wouldn't admit what's the consequence?

Yeah, what's the... Family meeting. Yeah. You shamed your family here. to jerk off to your papa's porn. We never did that when I was a child. We respected our elders, yeah. Yeah, we round the place that our fathers stopped jerking off.

Go find your own porn out there. Like a Spartan. The Spartans would send their children out to find their own porn. Oh, God. God damn. I didn't realize you had the same trauma. How have I known you for like 20 years and we've never... about our porno drama.

I don't know, but it's just, maybe it's the, you know, I would, if I had to guess, I would say this is a fairly universal experience for people who went through the divorce boom of the 80s and ended up in their dad's shadowy homes and apartments, reeking of loneliness, the stink of loneliness and fear,

and just the general tone of the situation, a kind of enforced, hedonism to cover up the fucking heartbreak. You know, the, and you just could feel it. You could feel it, you know, like just the, it was shadowy. And I don't know if that's everybody, but it was a,

Tropicana. The Tropicana apartments, the opposite of tropical. Yeah, of course. All that you just said is 100% my childhood. Like I recall, there's this one house in particular. My father lived in dark, like you just said,

dank. The carpets were like this old. 80s green or maybe 70s green like they don't really have consideration for decorating it was just like a lair to get women in there you know so he had some fucking dope-ass records to his credit like he had like Julio glacius and like George Benson so I got into that kind of stuff like he had great taste in music truly but yeah it was just sexual by nature it was like this is all this is what dads do when they divorce they just fuck yeah that's that's how they get through it, yeah? It's like, fucking. They try to bang their way through it in golf. Golf clubs, jars of change, hidden porn stashes. Jars of change, my dad.

That's what the change jars. So many change jars, yeah. Jars of change, which you would steal. I would steal from the jars of change. Of course you did. And go up to the 7-Eleven and buy like chocolate bars. Well, let's talk about this. How did your dad feed you when you lived with him?

There was no food in my house. I would live off of Flintstone vitamins, popsicles, and frozen hot dogs. Because he would go to the German store and buy a bunch of hot dogs and then freeze them. And frozen bread, rye bread with no seeds, and he put it in the freezer,

and that's like what I lived on. You're my sister. I think we're just, we have sad childhood. Rye bread, I'd give anything for rye bread. I was given like five bucks and I'd go up to a convenience store and I'd buy whatever I wanted to eat, so I'd end up getting like, you know.

Chitos. Blueberry muffins. And this was, I remember, again, I mean, for better or for worse, children are oblivious that this is probably not great. Yeah. I thought it was awesome. Same. Going up to the 7-Eleven get some convenience store food and I can remember my dad's with

some of his friends. And that day, I had discovered that next to the Tropicana apartment was a hospital that had a cafeteria. Oh. And I'm like, dad. Hot food? I found a cafeteria next to you. to the place and I got cafeteria food today.

And I remember his friends being like, oh shit. This is so fucked up that your kids celebrating getting hot food. And I was. It was great. You were stoked. I was stoked. I mean, I think that's the main thing is it's like I was happy. Yeah.

I was not like, what the fuck? I'm in this shadowy place with porn and horror movies. I was like, this is so much better than this. school. Of course, and it was. Yeah, yeah. And you were living a life that was far more exciting than your peers. Yes, yes, yeah. You know, not to say, therefore, if you're doing that now as a parent, don't fucking do it, but more that like, you know, I don't know, I don't feel victimized. I don't feel like, I don't feel like that. I don't feel like that. Same. I also, okay, here's one of my divorced dad memories. Like my parents first got divorced. I was four and we lived in the San Fernando Valley.

My dad was in a depressing apartment complex, but across the street was a 7-Eleven, like you just said. And I would buy, he would let me buy a toy every time he would go buy a sixer, you know? Okay. And, um, but all the toys are jacked because they're like off-brand, you know? So it would be like a Barbie, but like an off-brand Barbie. Yep. So she was like, she could squish her plastic legs together, which you really shouldn't with a real Barbie. Right.

But I was so, I was so thrilled to just have an off-brand Barbie. I didn't know. I mean, I did know, but I didn't know, no, what was happening. Yeah, yeah, it was cool. It was cool. Oh, he'd take us out to, like, the country's, and, like, we always had fireworks. I just remember, like, just in guns. Oh, guns are great.

Shooting bottles, blowing up fireworks, a crazy dog trying to bite the fireworks, burning his whiskers. You know what I mean? That's dad stuff. That's dad shit. But, but, so my dad would let me shoot guns in the backyard. Wow. Yeah.

Cool. Yeah. I could shoot an air rifle in our backyard in the San Fernando Valley. I could shoot the lemons off the lemon tree, which is far away enough that it was like fine. But reckless single dad stuff kind of made me cool. Like on the other hand. Yeah. I mean.

Yeah. I don't know. Yeah. I mean, look, it happened. Yeah. And, you know, once I was eating, I don't know, I was talking to David, Nick Turner, who's like this great Buddhist teacher and I was like feeling guilty because I ate veal. Oh yeah.

I don't know why. I was just babbling to him. I'm like, I ate veal. I feel bad. And he goes, too late for you? Too late for the lamp. What are you going to do? It's gone.

It's gone. The tropicania's gone. Beef and barrels gone. Marriage is gone. Marriage is gone. Too late for you. What is it? Say it again?

Too late for you? Too late for the lamb. My love. My love. My sister. My sister from another mister. That's the best thing to end on. Say it again. Too late for you? Too late for the lamb. I know. So you make the best of what is. Yeah. And that's what we shall do. We shall prevail. We shall survive. It is what it is, kids. But your mommy's here.

Your new stepdad's here. will survive because we always have. And we're here for you. The trussles are here for you. We love you. We love you so much. Whatever you need. I love you so much. You guys have been there in my darkest hour truly and I will two darkest hours. Actually, you were the first person I called when I got diagnosed with cancer and then you were there for like my nervous breakdown about divorce. Pretty cool, right? Not going anywhere. No, no. We're in it. We're in it for life, buddy. You and me? All right. I think that's a good place to finish. Um, you have anything else to add? You want to plug your dance? Just go to Duncan Trussell's website. Buy tickets to his. Wait, I have to, I do. No, plug, plug.

Wait, this is important. This is a huge, yeah, please. Albuquerque, hyenas, comedy nightclub. And then after that, I'm coming to Seattle. Oh, I love Meat Rattle. Meat Rattle, Emerald City Comedy Club, 20% off zylazine if you use offer code necrotic fasciitis and then i'll be at uh hyenas september 18th that's a good one that's fun i love yeah and then uh fort worth hiatus october 23rd i'm gonna be

in detroit at mike drop comedy that's an updates nobody wants to hear me and then the brooklyn bellhout that's a huge great venue november 18 is so much fun you're gonna have a blast there Thanks for let me plug it Oh let me plug my dates Welcome to show business Everybody That top one doesn't exist anymore September 18th

Chicago Illinois at the Dunn Theater And then Wise Guys Comedy Club October 9th and 10th And then I'm gonna do fucking skank fast bro I'll be there Yeah I can't wait I've never done it dude

Oh it's the best Oh don't forget to watch mystery boys It drops every Thursday 8 p.m. Central Time on the YMH channel Also, don't forget to submit your dating videos. I would like to meet you. What is this episode? I don't know.

Anyway, I love you. Thanks for watching. If you've watched this far, I appreciate it. And until next time, see you later. Bye. S-A-R-T the word was fart, fart, fart, fart, fart. S-A-R-P-R-T-R-T-S-A-T-R-T-S-A-T-R-T. S-A-R-T-R-T-R-T-RT.

S-A-R-T-R-T-RT-RT-RT-RT-RT-RT-RT-RT-RT-RT-RT-RT-RT-RECTION. Why isn't the government talking about how to pertain-S-Squate-E-E-RUK-E-RUK-E-RORDA. Why does this government treat Alberta like a fart in the room that nobody wants to talk about or acknowledge? S-A-R-T laughing at me. Fart-F-F-A-R-T. And they're laughing at you. S-A-R-T. Lassing at me.

FART. S-A-R-T. Point-A-Bordoo. Point-A-Board- Point-A-Board- Point-A-Board-point-a-point-board-oo. Laughing at me.