Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - [REDACTED] Is In The Epstein Files?! | Your Mom's House Ep. 848

Episode Date: February 25, 2026

SPONSORS: Go to https://Quince.com/mom for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Switch now at https://MINTMOBILE.com/mom. Head to https://factormeals.com/ymh50off and use code ymh50off to get 50 percent off and free breakfast for a year. Get organized, refreshed, and back on track this new year for WAY less. Head to https://Wayfair.com right now to shop all things home. Check out the world premiere of "Manhood" at SXSW this March https://Schedule.sxsw.com/2026/films/... For more information on "Manhood" and Outerboro Films visit https://Outerboro.tv Tom Segura joins Christina P via Zoom this week and the mommies waste no time getting completely stupid. This episode has it all: the absolutely unhinged viral Nicole Curtis “fart n-word” clip, a fresh dose of Safety Larry doing what Safety Larry does best, and Fancy Chef stepping into the pizza review game like a true culinary king, and a revelation about a certain comedian being in the Epstein files that that us laughing our shirts off. Plus the mommies get horrible or hilarious, shame some TikTards, and update each other on their respective periods. Keep featherin’ it, follow proto, and enjoy the slop. Your Mom’s House Ep. 848 https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://christinap.com/https://store.ymhstudios.comhttps://www.reddit.com/r/yourmomshousepodcast Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:00:11 - Tom's Cute Face 00:07:03 - Hamster Funeral 00:16:04 - Opening Clip: Fart N-Word 00:27:38 - Period Update 00:28:52 - [Redacted] Is In The Epstein Files 00:30:52 - Safety Larry 00:44:34 - Horrible Or Hilarious 00:49:21 - Dick Doc + Heated Rivalry 00:51:18 - Fancy Chef Pizza Review 00:55:08 - Clip: My White Stuff 00:56:07 - TikToks 01:03:59 - Wrap Up 01:04:34 - Closing Song - "Cucumber" by Ramsay McQueen Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. Oh, look at that face. Yes, ma'am. How you doing, Fart N-Word? I hope we were rolling. How great is Fart N-Word? I can't stop watching it. I've been watching it.

I know there's so many people that haven't seen it, you know? We have to share. I think they're probably just going like, well, I have it. If you want me to share it, I will. Of course. Dude, your face looks great. Does it? Your face looks great.

You got great. Look at that pretty mouth. I never get to see that. I know it's so strange to me. You have like such a pretty face. You think I'm a pretty lady? No, I don't. How much of a storm do you think you're going to cause on the inner webs for not having a beard right now?

Do you feel like it's all people are talking about? is it bigger in our world is it bigger than fart N word it's not bigger than fart N word no hey real quick what's that what's that I don't what is what you don't know fart N oh no let's not even hold on buddy yeah what no I don't save it yeah don't give it away it is so great okay okay it's a great question is a great lost look on your face You're like, can I learn about this too? Hey, I got a question. Before we go any further, could you give me some insight into what Fart Edward is?

I just feel like I might be behind on this one. You are, and I've been dying to talk to you about it. Oh, lovely. You got to weigh in. It's got to enter the lexicon for sure. I hope it does on a national level. but at least in the office, you know. Do we have it as an ISO as a drop?

Yeah, yeah. I got you. I got you. We're rolling, right? Yeah. Yeah, we're in. Okay, good. What's wrong with your face?

Well, what's wrong with my face is the same thing that was wrong with my face last time this happened, which is that I am shooting bad thoughts. Season two at the moment, and there's always a point when they go, hey, for this character, you can't have a beard. And it changes everything. They them. So yeah, I'm beardless. It is starting to my, thanks.

Every time I walk by a mirror, I go, oh, Jesus Christ. And I forget all day that you just forget. And then, yeah, then you're reminded of it. That's fun. But, you know, people have been nice in person. I'm sure the internet will be different. In person, people are nice. Yeah.

Yeah. I'd like to plug my two stand-up dates while I have the audience and raptured with me. These. April 24th and 25th, I'm going to be in Irving, Texas, which is really just another word for Dallas. And then Comedy Vex. Yes, it does. Comedy and Prayer. May 14 through 16.

Denver Comedy Vex. And then I had to move my Chicago to September. Get your tickets now. Christina p.com. They're moving fast. It's really exciting. You guys are going to hear. Comedy works is just the best, dude.

And I'm happy for you. You're going back. You're back on the road, dude. Comedy works. Yes, it does. Comedy and prayer. Yeah, I'm happy for me too because I'm bored. It's time to go out and tell fart jokes to the public, you know.

You all right? Yeah, I spilled. I didn't have a beard, so it just spilled all over my face. I used to just let it sit in my beard, and then I lick my beard. But that time it spilled. Do you feel the lack of smell? around your mouth and nose now? Yes.

Yeah. And this really, you know what this really makes me think about more? Is getting the hair around my asshole lasered off? Because all, every day, here's what happens every day. I take a shit and it's like shitting on the top of your head. Imagine if you shit out of the top of your head. And then somebody gave you some tissue paper and was like,

just clean it up. You wonder why I'm in the bathroom for 25 minutes? minutes, it's because I'm cleaning up the hair on the top of your head. Yeah, but then everybody's like, oh, Christina, why don't you lick Tom's butthole? Why don't you put your fingers in there? Well, maybe it's because of that. Fair, fair point. So do you think you really will?

I think you should. I want to do the laser. I want to laser around the hole. Yeah. Yeah. Well, what are you? You're almost 50. You've got 10 good years left of your life before you drop dead.

I think you should do. You should enjoy the last decade of your life. life, hairless and smooth and clean. I'm sorry, how much time is left? We're a man, you guys die early. I'm 46. No, you're not. Yeah.

You are? That's it? Yeah. Okay, whatever. How's L.A.? Tell me about it. Well, I mean, all I know is what the set is like. I wake up at 4.30 on most days.

Yeah. It's been so fun doing the show. It's fun. It's nonstop. Every day is like a new movie, basically, because it's a whole new story, obviously a whole new script, usually a whole new character and a completely different look. And it's so much fun. I mean, I have so much fun doing it. But yeah, it's a lot of work. And then usually you finish that and you're doing, you know, either costume fittings or casting sessions or producer sessions or edit sessions. It's just nonstop. But thank God it's fun. You're a multi-hyphenate, you know what I'm saying?

I'm a choreographer. You know what I make music videos. I'm dancing. I'm an artist. I'm a photographer. You know what I'm saying? I do real estate. You're trying to get a place to live.

Yeah, I do it all, baby. Well, the boys are loving your costume changes you keep sending over every night. It's fun to send it to them. They're loving it. Did they like the reptile dealer? I like him? No, because they couldn't even listen to him because they were so enthralled with the one prior.

that you sent over. I got it. They're still into that, that one. So it's a whole thing. Well, that one is kind of the hit of the whole thing so far. It's going to be its own thing. People are very. Yeah, I know.

People are into it. Yeah, other than that, I can't tell you much. I mean, I'm going to a rehearsal right after this. Oh, my God. I've got, there's a lot going on in this, in your home. You want to hear about it? Or you want to do the intro first? Sure, please.

Which one? Yeah, tell me. Oh, yeah. Let's do the, no, you should tell me this. Yeah, so just you know, we, we had a hamster, are you done? This house, that gives me a lot. Are you done? Anyway, we had a hamster death finally in the house.

I mean, everybody was like, hamsters don't live that long. I'm like, ours do forever. Yeah, what the fuck. I know. So, sweetie, here's the truth of it, if you want to know what a horrible human being I am, and one day our kids are going to watch this, it'll be fine. so sweetie just woke up kind of sickly you know yeah and then you know and then and then of course I was like should I take this thing to the vet and I was like no they're just going to be like yeah

it's dying and then I'm spent $500 and two hours in my life to find out that this thing is dying how does it how does it wake up sickly I don't understand to hamster just doesn't move it's still not eating not doing it's stupid hamster life so you know what I did I I had the hamster in the basement and then I fake sweetie's death. Wait a minute. No, we have a whole funeral. The hamster's not even dead yet. It's dying, but it's not dead yet.

But I didn't want it to be actively dying, and the kids being like, take it to the vet, take it to put it in the hospital. You know, you know, that's how they do it. So I fake their death. I'm sorry. I'm learning about this in real time. So right now,

the hamster that the children believe is dead is alive? It's actively dying in our basement. hidden away from them. What do you mean hidden? Where? In the basement. It's in a drawer? It's in a closet that they don't go into. Yes. And it's dying.

Is somebody checking on it? Yeah. But I can't kill it. And you're not here. So you can't kill it. I can't give it a game. I don't want to kill it. Well, it's going to die.

It's on its last leg. What am I supposed to do? But can't you give it to somebody that comes to the house and be like, hey, can you take this out of here? See, that's why I need you at home, because I did not think that thought. The Hungarian in me is like, just put it in a closet, let it die. Like, remember that time, the raccoon died in my attic? What?

Yeah, yeah. Why don't you text somebody that's at the house or coming to the house and say, hey, can you do me a favor and take this out of the house? The dying hamster? Yeah, you know. Like hamster hospice. I'm just, I wanted to give sweetie. a nice death in her own cage is a thing. I wanted to just let her...

Well, they can take the cage. I'm saying take everything out of the house. All right. Okay, but listen. And then they can... They can kill it, yeah, and flush it on the toilet. No, they can either... No, no, no.

They can adopt and or take care of the hamster moving forward. There are people that come to the house that would be willing to do that. I honestly just wanted to bang its head against a sidewalk. Okay. But isn't that what you're supposed to do when they're dying, you just hammer it? And then you throw in the fucking trash. That's what we do. I'm just an odd guy doing odd jobs.

I'll race you. I'm Ian Firedance. Hey, how are you? And each week, I'm in different towns across the country doing stand-up comedy and to keep me from rotting in my bed or putting a gun to my head. you to teach me how to do your job. Ian do, an odd guy doing odd jobs. YouTube.com slash Ian Fridayance comedy every other Tuesday produced by YMH.

I got a rip a fart too, bro. Let it loose, toot, toot. I'll see you out there. How long you've been working here? This time of year is when wanting to eat better collides with lacking the time or energy to make it happen. That's where factor comes in. Forget the meal prep and following recipes. it takes is two minutes. We love having our Factor meals here. Everybody swears by them. Their taste,

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Free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com slash mom. No, I'm serious. Because like, okay, can I talk to you for a second? Real talk? Yeah, yeah. Because I was like, let's bury it. I mean, I was going to kill it, like snap its neck and then just put it in the ground.

But then someone said, they're like, yeah, but then animals are going to dig it up. And then you're going to retramatize your kids. Okay. Hit up Claude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. She'll take it and I know. So in the meantime, I had a tombstone, but like,

made for the hamster. It's in a heart and flowers. So because of the boys came home from school and I was like, sweetie is no longer with us and the weeping and the wailing. I mean, it was like really emotional for for one of our boys. And then we're going to have a funeral on Saturday. Your mom and your sister are coming over and we're going to give sweetie a proper sendoff. Yeah. Oh, so in the meantime, so Ellis has been nagging for a chameleon. And I go, well, when one of the hammies die, you can get a chameleon. So guess what? We got a chameleon.

It's so rad. Great. It's a panther chameleon. It's so, it changes colors, dude. It's so chill. It's got a creepy little, we're obsessed with this thing. And we don't neglect it nearly as much as we neglect the hamsters. So now we have one hamster, two cats, a chameleon.

I think that's it for now. You should try to do maybe like a private gig for PETA next year. I think that would be a cool move. I think they would love to have you. God. Let's open the show. You know my dad? I just want to tell the story real quick.

My dad, when we had a possum die in our attic, it just died, and he glued the door shut to the attic and then let the animal rot in the middle of summer. Decompose in there? Decompose. It smells so bad. And we didn't even have an AC in it. We just had a swamp cooler. Oh, my God. Didn't the smell bother him?

The whole house reeked for the whole summer. It was disgusting. Flies, you could hear anything. He was like, I don't want to do that. Yeah, that's how I feel about the fucking hamster, though. Now I get it. Now I should, that's what I should have done to Sweetie. I can throw her into the basement and seal it up.

Okay, let's change, here we go. And here you go. Fly. That's my last one. Oh, farting. What the fuck is that that I just said? Nick, you got to, can you kill that? No.

Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone muffin for this. So what is that? Welcome. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. With Tom Segura. Tom Sigur.

And Christina. Welcome to your mom's house. Do you get it now, any? Oh, yeah. I get it. Yeah, you guys were calling each other fart and words. And I was just like, hey, what's that? Why are we saying that?

Why are we saying that? Fart. Oh. Happy to be caught up. Happy to be better. Oh. I can't take it. I can't take it.

Oh. Okay. But do you get, do you get why that somebody's, no, no, why that's somebody's go-to expression when they're, like, frustrated? No. No. No. See, see, that's. That's your black side.

Because most white people are like, I get it. Not cool, man. Not cool, man. Most white people have a go-to. No, they have a go-to expression when they're frustrated. Yeah, Tom, I hear what you're saying. I understand. It's a series of work sometimes that you go like, you hear someone say it,

and you're like, I get it. You just stubbed your toe. you know, I can get it. Like, don't you feel like any, and I, you know, the N-word is unacceptable most of the time. However, when you put fart in front of it, it's kind of silly and fun, right? You're saying that you have said fart N-word. No, I'm not that creative, unfortunately. I feel like-

Just N-word, okay. It makes a lot of sense. But like, she had it right on death. But that's the cool thing about this clip being out there is that it is a peek into like that is her go-to thing. She's like, oh my gosh, can you get rid of that? Yeah. But that's what she does instead of like, Jesus Christ, you know, that's what she goes to. And let's see.

What's her name? That is Nicole Curtis. Nicole? She was filming a show where she helps families who are overwhelmed with home renovations. She became frustrated with the task. Once the video became public, she was immediately pulled off the air and the show was canceled.

Wrong move, y'all. You know, I think I like Nicole now. I didn't like her. I didn't know who she was. And now I'm like, all right, Nicole, I'm listening. I want to hear more. Right. I mean, if the whole show is her coming up

with these creative racial slurs, I feel like it could quadruple the ratings. I will say I personally, I mean, I spent a lot of time growing up in Florida. I went to college in North Carolina. I heard a lot of variations. I've never heard fart inward. Neither have I.

Never, not once. Me neither. Yeah, that is so creative. I'm talking. That was around rednecks, and I've never heard that set. Annie, does she get? Really cool button down. Eddie. Does she get?

No, it's really cool. Does she get any sort of pass because of its creativity or are we straight? I mean, look, she could say it. She could say it if she wants. I think that she didn't want to say it. So that's, you know. It's unfortunate for her. She, well, to be fair, she can say it, and then her show was canceled.

So, yeah. Like, yeah. Anyone can say it. You just have to deal with the consequences. And she, she goes. You know? I mean, we could put her on our fucking network, right? Well, we could.

But it's not the same as it being like an HGTN. Would that be the name of her podcast? Hart, Nicole. Yeah, fart Nicole is a great podcast name. I hope at least, at the very least, I hope a rapper uses that in a song. That would be the best part of all of this. That would be a really cool producer tag. Like at the opening of every song, it's like, four, niggas.

Yeah, that'd be pretty sick. Also, how much does a staff or whoever hate her that they leaked that? Oh yeah. Somebody fucking hates Nicole. Nicole's a bitch. That's a really good point. But it seemed like... That's a good point.

But it seemed like she asked if they could kill... Like, you know, cut that and they said no. So was that live or something? No. No, that's from the raw camera footage. But I thought it got canceled after that. So it got leaked immediately after that? No, I'm just saying, whenever this was recorded, you know, this was in the raw footage,

somebody dug this up and leaked this footage and edited. or a producer. Yeah. They just someone doesn't like Nicole. Nicole pissed someone off. She must have said it a couple more times. Like there's there's been, there's accounts,

stories from people from the apprentice days that said that Trump said it many times while filming the apprentice. No way. But yeah. Yeah. I wish somebody would leak those.

Well that was that was the whole thing but apparently those are super locked down because that guy, the show creator, he's a really famous guy. He created, he created that show and a bunch of other, I think he's an Australian guy. He's a huge, huge fan of his and has, I think, shut that possibility down. But that was, there was a lot of reports of that. It was really, it was talked about more in the 2016 campaign. Dang. Yeah. I wish we could get that. Well, yeah, well, it's just how it goes. Sometimes you just go, oops, you know. That's Nag, nabit, sometimes you just use an expression.

Play it again, Tom. All right. No, we just to drop. Okay. Fart. Cool. She did start with FF. She didn't know where she was going to go.

I thought she was going to say, fuck. Oh, that's what happened. Fart. That's what happened. She was going to say, fuck, nigga. And then she changed the word, but not the second word. Yeah. Her next, her next expression.

was also showed tremendous self-awareness because it was she knows you know she knows oh Nicole let's see the other guy but I want to see the other guy's expression when he when she says it can we play the clip I don't think he does much he doesn't care he's like yeah well he's not he's actually not maybe Nicole drops it a lot you know and they're so used to her her saying it. Because she says it right there.

See, he's not even on camera. And then what the fuck is that that I just said? You know? Damn. Like she knows that. Dude, her life is. What is the fuck is that that I just said? And Nick, you got it.

Can you kill that? What does he say? No, 35 minutes. What is the fuck is that that I just said? And Nick, you got it, can you kill that? We've only got five minutes. I'm not doing it. it.

Oh. Something like, we've only got five minutes. I'm not doing it. Wow. So Nick doesn't like her. Nick is like, fuck you. Well, he's like, we're rolling. We got a fucking, we're making a show here.

Fart on whatever you want. We've got to keep doing this, you know. Far endward. Wow. That's a good one to come out of you like that. That just happens. We are well into the new year and there's no better time to let go of your old stuff so you can get your shit together.

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Tom, how's your period? Oh, you know, there's my period? Yeah. Are you having your period right now? Yeah. How about you? Yeah. Yeah, but it's, you know, it's not heavy. No, tell me about your flow. No. It's just pretty light. I don't know. I guess I'm formally going through something.

Are you using pads or tampons today? Tampon. Which size? Medium. What kind of applicator? It's called Extreme. How did you put it in? I just spread it.

I spread them and I just shove it in there. Do you put one leg up on the toilet or? Oh, no, I put the tampon on the ground and I squat down on it. And then I do a lot of Kegel stuff, so I'm able to just, it just feels like a, you know. Yeah, that's crazy. Did you grab that sweater from a shelter? I know you're going to hate it. Every time I wear this, you hate it.

It's my favorite homeless shelter sweater. I love it. And strings are every. everywhere and it gets caught on stuff. I love it. Yeah. I feel like kind of, you know, shrug. Do you want to know something? There's a, I don't know if you saw that Will Arnett, you know, he's the actor. He's also one of the hosts of the Smartless podcast. But it's a wildly popular podcast and Will told two things. He said they had a female guest on who asked after they recorded to not release the episode.

And they said, okay, and I don't know who that is. But then he said, there was a huge asshole comedian who came on. And after 10 minutes, they were like, thanks a lot, and they just ended it, because the guy was such an asshole. Is it Bert?

It's Bert. God, that would be so great if it was him. So the person, the male was such a jerk. He's in the Epstein files. Did you know that? Bert Kreischer? Yeah. I did know that. Yeah.

I did know that. No, I'm being for real. Yeah. No, I'm for real. I've, no. You, you, okay, any, or Niana. Yo.

Pull up the search. You know how you can search the files? Yeah. Pull up the search and type in his name. Look. I told you. He's in the files. All right.

Hold on that. now. See? I told you. Yeah. All right. Audience. You guys know what to do. It's been confirmed. Bert is in the Epstein files. Take it upon yourself to run with that. Yeah. Yeah. I thought it was really cool. It's really fun. It's my screensaver on my phone. Tim, can I do one thing with you? I've been saving these for you. all the guests that we've had since you've not been here. I haven't touched any safety videos on purpose. Oh, you want to see some?

Because I enjoy them with you, pacifically so much more. Yeah. Let's get into it. Great idea. You ready? Here we go. What's up, Larry?

Prepared, not paranoid. Let's get into it. If you made the decision to get a firearm for self-defense, and you want to start getting some training, the first place to start would be at a flat range. Learn how the firearm operates first. Learn the safeties, get your grip, get your stance, your sights, the Universal Force safety rules, and review them. Once you feel comfortable on the flat range, you should go to the next level, and that would be going to an outdoor range, where there's a lot less around you, where you have about 180 degrees.

And for that, you're going to need a little bit more equipment. You're going to need a battle belt, where you'll have your holster and your magazine pouches. There, you could start working on malfunctions and reloads. Once you become proficient with the battle belt, then I would recommend training with how you plan on carrying the gun. So if you plan on carrying an appendix, start working from there. Then start looking for specialty training. Things like moving in and around the structure, low light training, and in and around the vehicle.

In and around the vehicle is also challenging because to access your firearm, are going to be flagging yourself. As you can see from this video, this was a class I had done last year of shooting in and around the vehicle. Take a look at that video. What's flagging yourself? Great. Yeah.

You got to learn to shoot around your car. I believe he's talking about the barrel's going to be pointed at yourself as you, if you draw from the, I call it the appendix position here. So if it's basically in your front waistline, when you're going to you, you know, you're going to you draw the weapon, you're crossing over your body. Got it. So you have to be aware of that. He is talking about a pretty advanced level of gun, like most people are like, oh, you're

interested in having a weapon, like, yeah, get some firearm safety training and go to a range. He took it from flat range to outdoor range to where you'll carry it and then getting in a vehicle and basically preparing for war. So, yeah, I mean, Larry always thinks 12 steps ahead, which is great. I mean, as a civilian, how can I find a program that will teach me car guns, car gun work too? You know what? I think living in Texas, it's pretty accessible.

I think you're going to have a real easy time. Real easy time. You know what? The boys will have so much fun doing this. You got to get our kids into car gun safety. You guys ready to go to a range where you get out of a car and shoot through the window? They'll be like, fuck yeah. How many people do you think actually go through this level of training?

It's pretty, since I don't think it's much. Yeah, it's not many. It's pretty severe. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and we never went through this much. I know some real gun nuts and I don't think they've done the car facing the targets thing. I don't think that's happened to them.

Jesus Christ. Larry is ready for anything. Well, listen, I'm going to point out a flaw here in Larry's scenario. I mean, this is all good and well if you're in Afghanistan shooting car work things, but I need like the city. What about rolling up to a gas station?

Clowns everywhere. That kind of scenario. This is like a rural scenario. That is true. I think for your training, though, you want to start rural before you get into city training. Yeah.

You want to start with less. So it's a good step one. But it's a really great point that you made. So one of the reason in self-defense, we like to talk about distancing and situational awareness, is if you allow somebody to get really, really close to you, you never know what that person has on them

and what they're capable of doing. So something like this, oh, wow. It could happen really fast. So always be aware of your distancing and what that person's body language is showing. Be well, be safe, be aware. That's an insane fucking video to put out.

That is a crazy video. He was just like, you never know what could happen. And then he just stabs a fucking piece of wood where a person's eye would be. And he goes, just be aware what could happen. And, like, also, I'm going to venture to guess that some fool stabs you. You guys are drunk. You know what I'm saying? Like, you're drunk.

You're out. It's late Friday night. And some fool's got, like, a knife in his pocket. And then he, like, drunk people do that stuff. Like, come on, bro. Well, most of these videos, yeah, could just be like, hey, don't stay out too late. Don't go to bad neighborhoods. Take care.

That could be 95% of his videos. Yeah. You're not going to get... I would love a camera, a video... I would love a video of... That just follows Larry and just shows him how he operates in the world. Because I bet his head is on a swivel just 24-7. I bet he is just so ready.

And I wonder how many weapons are on him at most times. His adrenal glands are shot. The guy is one live wire of a nervous system. Dude, he pulled that thing out and was ready to go. Look at this. And what they're capable of doing. So something like this. Damn.

Something like that could easily happen. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Yeah. He just stabbed a guy in the eye. Yeah, he sure did. Pretty high stabbing too. Because I would do an underhand shiv, wouldn't you?

Like that. It's really tough to hit the eyeball. Yeah, that's... You're probably... Most people are going to miss. Yeah. Yeah. Like, if you've stabbed people, do you go overhand or do you go under?

Quick, just a quick shiv and then out. I mean, yeah. For the gut, it's good to go under. Yeah. Quick. Yeah. You don't want to get caught. You don't have time to put the knife.

But they say that if you can hold the knife like this with the blade, facing outward here, you know, you can do one of these motions. This is a really good motion because you can cut somebody this way and come back and stab them. You know what you mean. I know, I know what you're saying. You can slice them and then stab. Slice them and dice them. Yeah, I got you. Maybe because as a woman. Practice. Practice. Slice stab. Stap, see. Stap. But that, that, I agree with you, yes, as a man, but as a woman, I have to be sneaky. I have to imply, I have to apply, I have to apply stealth.

You understand? That, but you could grab my arm, bro, and now you're stopping the stabbing. I got to go, just quick like that, and then I'm gone, dude. I'm gone like a fucking hamster in the night, bro. You didn't even see my shit. Like a dead hamster in the yard. It's still one of the most... I want to put it in a fucking bag and just beat it against the sidewalk until it's dead.

I hate these fucking hamsters. It's the biggest regret is that I bought fucking dumb ass. Could you send that text, please, to have somebody remove? Yeah. But don't get a hamster. I want you to think about your home security for a second. When we're looking at home security, I want you to think of it in layers. The first layer is going to be your primary outer ring,

which is going to be things like your neighborhood, what's going on on the streets, and so forth. The secondary outer ring will be your perimeter, and those will be things like your fences, your property line, any type of tree or foliage that you might have. The middle ring will be your... doors, windows, doors, garages. And then the final ring will be the interior ring, and

that's if somebody gets inside. Do you have a safe area, a safe room, a secure room, those type of things. First thing I want to discuss is going to be the outermost ring. And that's where you're going to use something called open source intelligence, things like crime mapping, police blogs, next door, and any other app that could give you information on local crime how exhausting would it be to have Larry as a neighbor like just as a neighbor you imagine the amount of posts he would send to the group like to the neighborhood oh the next door app guy there's always one neighbor that is on next door all the time it's larry it's it's larry's posting nonstop on there i noticed the guy putting his trash cans out at 4 a m who's

doing that yeah he would be like he would be So on top of like, you know, work supposed to start at 7 a.m. in the neighborhood. I noticed somebody pulled up at 6.58. I sent a message to the construction company one more time and, you know, we're going to sue them. Is that your kid, by the way? I saw a kid going for a walk. I've never seen this kid before. I interrogated him. He's in my garage right now, but I'll let him go if you can confirm that's your kid. Also, too, a lot of Amazon packages that he'll put inside your property line for you. I noticed these were outside. I brought them in for you. You're like, you don't need to do that. Don't touch my stuff. And then probably, no offense, but probably some pretty thinly veiled racism, too, I'm guessing.

You think so? Yeah. Yeah. I think so. He's like, just putting everybody on alert that I saw, saw some clowns walking around yesterday. Yeah, yeah. I'm not sure who they were or why they're here. And everyone's like, oh, that's my family, actually.

And he's like, oh, okay, just making sure. Can you confirm their IDs for me? Yeah. I'm sure there's a lot of that, a lot. I'm in your area. Now, the one that's really important to pay attention to is something called watchdog. Watchdogs lists all sexual predators and where they live. Great.

And that's a map that if you open up, might be very, very shocking who lives very close to you. You have children. You're going to really want to pay attention to who's in your neighborhood. Make sure what these people look like and where they are. Be safe and be aware of what's going on in your neighborhood to keep you and your family safer. Yeah. Well, that should be a fun one. Well, I tell you, I like to look on the Megan's Law website. Put your address in there and make sure no creepers are living near where you live. Family watchdog. Yeah. He really got excited by being able to be able to. to have graphics and sounds, you could tell.

He was like, you know what, go ahead and add six of those. We're stepping up production over here. The chime was too much. It was too loud. But I think a lot of people should check out Family Watchdog. That could be a fun thing if you're winding down from the week and you want to just have a real cool learning experience to what your neighborhood's like is go to Family Watchdog and see who your neighbors are.

I love that. kind of alarming. You know what I remember? I love it. I love it. We lived in the Rampart. Rampart Division. Yeah.

There was that website then and it was like Christmas tree. It was like, to do, and it was all the predators in the area. So many. Oh, yeah. You put in your address when you live in a shady neighborhood and it's all lit up. You'll just see like these little squares. Yeah, like that. And Tom and I would play this fun game where we'd guess the person's offenses based on their mugshot.

Most of the time, it was looted. lascivious acts with a minor. I tell you, a lot of these, because I do love these crime maps, a lot of it is aggravated assault, which happens on like late Friday night. Like I said, like drunk people, robberies from cars and Austin, a lot of that.

Okay, click on one. Let's see some mudshots. There's some domestics too. Oh, hold on, hold on, look at him. I think this guy, I think burglary. What do you think? That's not burglary face. No.

He's 47, babe. That's your age. Yeah, that's. Indecency with a child. Decently exposure, yeah. Wow. Yep. Damn, so good.

Is this near us? Is this? Very. Oh, great. Shit. Yeah. Oh, no. Oh, Austin.

All right, click on a different color. There's going to be people, by the way. Oof. Yeah. There are going to be people that use this site that are going to find next door. neighbors. Oh, for sure. Oh, computer solicitation of a minor. And he's smiling in his mugshot,

which is kind of rare. Don't really see that on the show a lot. That's like, you know how it goes. She said she was 18. Sometimes it just happens. Yeah. Good night. Irene. Oh, Chuck.

Yep. All right. Well, you guys can have fun with your own neighborhood search. And thank you, Larry, for that great Pointer. Family watchdog. Family watchdog, man. Here, let's have a giggle. That was so depressing. God damn, yeah. Uh-oh, I know where this is going. A little Margo Tennenbaum.

Oh! His friend laughing is great. Whoa! That was great. That was great. That was great. That was rough, man. Yeah.

This sound bite says foreign pain. Oh! Yeah. Those are some foreign sandals for sure. Those were, yeah, those are definitely foreign sandals. And those were foreign screams. Those appropriately labeled. Yeah.

Foreign screams. Yeah. Okay, little. Holy shit. Fart N-Ward, that was... Yeah. She didn't say fart, inward, and she fell through the floor. I know, that's crazy.

Well, she wasn't as frustrated. She was just, you know, hurt. Dude, she fell through the floor, bro. That was crazy. That's like my worst fear. I'm always afraid of that. I'm always afraid of that. She was kind of...

She knows her way around, you know, like an attic. You can tell the way... And for her to not even consider that her big ass might go through that. It's kind of crazy. I know, and like the clips set it up. She wasn't like daintily kind of like, I don't know. She was like, yeah, I'm just working.

Like, that's crazy. Let's see again, because they did highlight how fat or ass was before she got in there. Oh, yeah. Hold her right there. See, she knows that she's like. Yeah. She knows what she's doing. She knows she's heavy.

She's wearing like, she's wearing house slippers, too, like not even proper footer. Damn, dude. Yeah, that's, that fucking sucked. She messed up, dude. You ready for this one? Stupid. Yeah.

See on this wall, how one of your studs are not flush, what I like to do is take my hammer. Up. Perfect. Grab your nail gun. Oh, shit. Yeah. Yeah, saw that one coming.

He's in pain. That's real panic. That was real panic. But you think that the cowboy boot would stop the nail, like that's why you wear them. but well it did sort of stop the nail yeah a little bit damn dude it stopped it from going all the way through yeah oh man yeah that kind of suck bro yeah yeah it's

oh shit oh no he is out he landed on his fucking face and head he fractured his skull and fractured his eye socket. Holy fuck. Oh, this dude is one of the best street skaters of all time. No, who is it? Holy. Holy Nyan Hustin, I think is his name? Holy fuck.

Please Google, make sure he's still okay. It says he's making a recovery. He landed on his face. Yeah, you could hear it. You could hear it was like on his head. Holy shit. Man, this show just finds the. best stuff god damn yeah what you're going through right now is what a lot of you are

yeah well i've such a love in my heart for skateboarders i you know it's for the love of the the game these folks uh please tell me he's got there he is can pay his bills and stuff a harsh reminder how death defying skating massive rails can be fractured skull fractured eye socket um what else does it say just went taking it one day at a time god Damn, dude, kid, kid. Well, he's holding trophies. I'm glad he's getting better. Yeah, shit.

Okay, we live to fight another day. Who fuck. Bro. It's got to be hard to be. That's just from having fun. Yeah, this kid's parent. Can you imagine you fucking see this video? That's your baby.

Oh, my God. I can't do it. I got a pee, babe. I got a pee. I can't. Oh, you know, it should be worth pointing out. You know the, the fallof-fill guy, the guy that came in with the dick injections?

Of course. There's a documentary. coming out, it's going to be dropping at South by Southwest in Austin. So definitely a doc worth checking out, a doc and a dick, a doc about a dock dick that's going to be at South By. And he credits us for getting the documentary. He's like, after I appeared on your mom's house, they approached me about doing this documentary. So yeah, you're welcome.

I remember that after he came to do the podcast, it was mentioned so many times that guy reached out and all these people hit me up and then that guy and his team came to a show that I was on tour at that time and they were like they're like our phones you know rang off the hook it like it really created a lot of a business over there so very exciting that's awesome the documentary is very informative and I hope you guys will check it out there was a lot of fun having him on I'm sure if you haven't seen that episode it was really fun maybe they can put it in the show description so you guys can check it out. And maybe you can get a injection in your penis.

Yep. That's a great idea. Why not? Thanks, bro. Yeah. Why not? You mentioned that you're into gay stuff, male gay stuff. And a lot of people, I noticed after you said that, pointed out, have you seen heated rivalry,

the gay hockey show that's out? Because everybody wants you to watch it now. I know. And I do, too. It's just that I haven't had a chance to be away from my children enough to give it a full viewing. Like, I can't even watch Bridgeton with my boys or. because it's too horny. So yeah, give me a minute on that.

But I fully, I will. I will. I think the fans want you to watch this gay hockey show. All right. Well, let me make a note of it. Maybe I can, you know, get away. You can wind down and watch it or something. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. I'm on it. So we haven't seen this in a while, but he has really taken off on a lot of of social platforms and the audience has expanded for a fancy chef. And people have pointed out that he's doing, he's just expanding. He's not just cooking for millionaires and billionaires. He's doing restaurant reviews and food reviews and just getting himself involved in so many things.

I have not seen this, but I've been told that it's an incredible review. And so I thought we could watch that for a moment. Caliente, Caliente. You want to keep a little caliente, quentente, queniente. Okay Looks like he's a You guys Looks like he's in a New York

I'm gonna do a review for a pizza I'm gonna do a review for my He's telling him I'm gonna do a pizza review cool man That's cool Let's see He recorded that? Oh he's sitting on the yeah right there

I'm gonna let you know right now though I am gonna tell the truth I ain't a lot. I'm gonna tell the truth. If it's nasty, where the garbage happened? I know what I think. No, me ain't taking nothing. It's going in the garbage. If it's nasty, this is going straight in the garbage.

Basuda. Let me see. Hold on. First of all, why is this going in half? Is it that good? The bread is... Because that's a scary, bro. You're supposed to close it.

Oh, shit. What am I thinking about? Of course it's good. No, good review, fancy. That's a good fancy sound. You pass. Oh, he passed the reveal. And the guy still holds the tray for him.

Wow. Like he's royalty or something. You're trying to pay me to get that award. Yo, what is this? I ain't act for the pop. Hold on, hold on. That is a massive. Oh, shit.

Let's see. Hey, guys, you want to eat my pizza? The paper off of it. All right. Ready? One, two. He's like, okay. Wow, another great review.

Do you think that guy holding the tray believes that this is a, like a legit chef in front of him? The guy's sitting on the pony. No. Yeah, do you think? Because he's kind of like, I guess I'm holding this for this guy. because he's nice It's real

It's real When it do that When it do that It's real It's real Cheese ain't coming on It's good You did good

You did good You wrap it up Wrap it up Wrap it up He's like That got to go To his coughing He went

Hmm I don't like when he goes I don't like that Here he is He's still cooking too by the way He's still preparing for people Not too much Aroo gluck

Just a little. Do it again. Do it again. You're missing the whole thing. Just a little Rougar. Stop. You're missing the whole bread. You're missing the whole bread.

You got it right here. No, no, no. You're missing the whole bread. The bread over here. Oh, that's on. Okay, up there. I'm time. Stop filming.

All right. Lovely and beautiful. Holy shit. He really is blind as fuck. Blind as fuck. Yeah. He's so blind. Yeah, put it over here.

It's on the bread. He can't see. That guy's like, the fuck are you doing? You're not even putting it on the bread. Holy shit. Oh, I pulled this for you because I knew you'd like this. I hate when a female try to suck all that white stuff out of my wiener. Like, that's my white stuff.

Give it back, greedy bit. You know, it's really to miss you here, Tom. It's been really rough not having you co-host with me. So glad you're back. I thought you'd like that. You don't like that? No. Because he hates what you try to suck it all out.

I got it. And then the punchline is that he drinks his fake cum. Yeah, I got it. It's his stuff. All right. I thought you'd like. Can we do some TikToks? I mean, do that many talks?

Yeah, you got some talks. Asm Beaver had some ASMR food. It's not a beaver. He's not a beaver. This one's for you. I got this for you. I'm in a playroom here. I was trying to explain to you.

That was a spiritual cleansing. He wasn't even pushing that hard on her. He was exercising her emotional demons. You understand? Great. Yeah. I got it. Jesus.

Fuck me. On an adults only cruise, what are your questions? Ugh. Don't you hate it? it when they call it play. We're going to play like play room. By the way, like, oh.

She is strikingly attractive for the people you usually see in this realm. Because they're usually fucking a bunch of dogs. Yeah. Like some real bottom feeders are in the play world. Yeah. Is it they call a honeypot when they attract you in? Like she's the, she's the bait. Maybe.

Maybe she works for like the company. that puts on the thing. She's like, hey, everyone's like, all right, we'll go to this. And then she's like, good to see you, and just dips out the back door. Fun pigs. Bye.

And it's not a play room. We play. It's like when you have children and you use that word for what they do, it's like, well, we gotta play, adult play, like, ugh. This is the adult play cruise. It's so gross.

It's gross. Here's some more stuff for you to get into. Cupping. Stretching. I've never seen this level of cupping. Yeah. And stretching. It's so intense.

I'd be so annoyed and pissed. I've had like maybe six or eight of these on me before. Never like this. That's too many cups. Jesus Christ. Because the cups are popping off when you stretch the body that much, dummy. Horrifying. You'd do one or the other.

Horrifying. I wish aftercare was spoken in two more, both for tops and bottoms. After something as intense as rope, it's always encouraged to look after and check in with those you tie with. For me, my rope partners are given water, snacks, cuddles, lots of affirmation, and a simple massage and stretching to help them realign their bodies after a sequence. Aftercare depends on each individual, but it shouldn't be taken lightly or brushed aside. after all you two are two individuals who chose to have a vulnerable

moment with each other and deserve to ground yourselves after something so heightened yeah I feel my water bottle I mean you wonder about I finished all my water oh

this one's for you this is the cool video I found something cool for me I found something cool for you well there's a whole lane of hot granny talk now they're just out and it's about time

you know, how do you guys in the booth feel about that? Are you guys into that? That's hot. You like that? Yeah, that was hot. Cougar, too? Oh, yeah.

That fuck with that. See? Yeah. Niana, you like that? No, I'm good. I have a friend. I have a friend who's like into older women like that. Yeah?

Yeah. You do? Wow, you got to tell me these, I got two names I need to get from you now at the end of this pod. He's like, oh yeah, he's like, yeah, you know, I find the attractive and I'm like yeah you're talking about like you know someone older than you he's like yeah 70 I'm like wait what yeah you find a 70 year old attractive well Lewis j Gomez on this show was like he's had sex with 70 80 years wasn't it him right 70 uh-huh he's like I like I like to make

them feel good you know he's all Puerto Rican about it he's like Jesus Christ I know and hey I'm doing skank fest hey I'm doing skank fest hey I'm doing skank fest what really you did your gay porno thing. What? Yeah. He convinced me. Well, he described it. It sounds like so much fun.

And honestly, I had such a good time with Lewis. I was like, you know what? If it's as fun as he is and his whole vibe, I'm down. So I booked a couple nights at Skangfest. I'll see you there. That's great. Where is it this year? Is it Vegas?

Vegas, babe. No, it's not. It's, where did he say? Oh, New Orleans, which I've never been to. So I'm excited to check out. You've never been in New Orleans? Isn't that crazy? You know me though.

I love my drinks that I, the silly long drinks and the plastic tubes. You love it. And you can wear the fucking thing around your neck so that you don't have to carry it. And your hands are free. And you just go like this. And you can just keep talking. Yeah. It's great.

And I can show people my, my new tits and get beads and stuff. That's why I'm going. It's an open, open container city till you can drink anywhere. Yep. Yeah. There you go. Jazz, bignets, booze. It doesn't love it.

It's fucking awesome. Yeah. Good for you. What is it? When is the fest? November. November. November.

Sounds great. Yeah, I'm doing it November 13th through 15th. Perfect. All right. Here we go. It should be fun. Oh. This is what I was going to show you.

So, see what a star that's on her upper lip? Those are for your cold sores You can cover your cold soar now with those stickers Sounds like it looks like she wants another one Because it's not really slowing her down Yeah Who would you fuck first? Her or the older lady

Oh the older lady I don't want more cold sores Do you think? Yeah but what if this cold sore went away Oh, let me think Wait can I see the other lady real quick Let me just get a visual Here's the thing though

I don't really like white lady flavor now I'm gonna go with the her I like I need flavor that's what yeah like white people kind of freak me out like white white you know she's fun dude she's fun she's fun she put top of teal on your shit yeah dude she's fine it's a little chalula in your painter I decided to put some tree sap in my elysium I wanted to see if I've got up a tolerance to it I absolutely did not this time it hurt worse than ever that's a great video That's a great video. That's a hell of a find.

I don't know if you can get any better than that. You're welcome. Look, I've been doing this vigilantly in my free time. That's why I don't have time to watch the gay hockey show. I'm curating TikToks all day. Actually, if something like this gets to us, I'd rather you be digging through your phone finding this than watching the gay hockey show. That was amazing.

Oh, okay. I decided to put tree sap in my urefer to see. if I built up a tolerance to it. Turns out, I did not. That's really great. That's great. All right, we got to wrap it up, Gene. I got to go, I can't, I got rehearsal.

Okay, go rehearse then. Go dance. Have fun, Jean. Thanks for listening. Thanks for watching everybody. Thank you to the booth for making this happen. You got it, fart, nigger. Gene.

Oh, worth it just for that. Thank you so much for saying. in any. Thank you. Please give me that drop as well. And. All right. Bye, guys. We love you. All right. Bye. Bye, bye, guys. We love you. Welcome to Maccabee's medical money. It's all about this.

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