Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - Redban-204-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: March 12, 2014

Who is the Main Mommy to you? For many, it's our disabled son, Redban. Luckily for you, he's in the Mommy Dome again and he's grosser than ever. It's always nice to have your kid come home from college and for this hour we wonder if he's ever going to class anymore. We cover life, teeth, Sharkeisha, paranoia and a whole lot more. Does Redban have a secret brother??? Maybe. Does a girl who sells you her dirty panties excite Brian? We think so. Does he tells us the grossest thing ever and nearly causes the show to stop? Yes. Classic Mom on this one. 

You know what I'm saying? Stupid. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I know what you're saying. Not even. That's what Cholo said. They go, Not even. Charlie, wait.

Smile now, cry later. Joker. Joker's like a real, a lot of fucking West Side gangbangers are like, Oh, that's fucking Joker. What's another one I grew up with? La Diabla.

That's a real shy girl. That's what I'm saying, homie. Shy girl. So here's what's up. It's Wednesday. Dreamy. We have a dreamy, dreamy guest in here. We'll get into that. Here's what's up.

So it's coming up. It's finally here. This is our New York, Brooklyn, specifically. We're going to be at the Bell House on Thursday. They have released discounted tickets to the show. Release. Release.

And here's what you do. If you use our link to the Bell House, it's on my site, TomSeguro.com. It's on Christina Comedy. It's on your mom's house podcast. You use the promo code mom, and you can get a discounted ticket now to the podcast on Thursday.

That offer is still going for the stand-up show Friday. The stand-up show now has very limited seats. The knitting factory in Brooklyn. But if you use the link, you can still get that ticket. And again, we keep saying that because if you go to the door

and buy it, you're going to pay a full price. You don't want to do that. No. Don't be a last-minute mommy. Is this song from the Teen Wolf movie? Like the sex scene from the Teen Wolf movie? Somebody sent it to us, and it's called Strictly for My Jeans. So I'm not sure.

But here's the big one, too, man. Saturday, we're in Columbus. All right? OH. Oh! Oh, sorry, I forget that. I don't know why you guys are saying OH all the time. All right. Anyways, look, we obviously have to,

when we do these trips on our own, yes, we need you to get tickets to cover us going to your city. But it's more important to us to have you at the show. So just know that now we have

a discounted ticket for Columbus. It's the same promo code, mom. M-O-M. If you go to the link that's on either one of our sites or your mom's housepodcast.com, use the promo code mom and get a discounted ticket. That's right. Do it now.

Yeah, more than now. Do it yesterday. We need you at the Columbus show. We do need you there, mommies. We have surprises in store for you. And it's going to be good. You should come. What else are you going to do in Columbus, Ohio tonight? Come on. It's going to be a fun time.

Yeah, what else you got going on? And the weather's really nice in Columbus, Ohio right now. Well, that's what's up then. What the fuck? I mean, you know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? So that's Saturday. And then next Thursday we are in San Francisco at Cobbs. I'm sorry, where? Manfran Disco.

Thank you. At Cobbs doing the live podcast. And then Friday at the club here in Hermosa Beach. So that's that. Please get tickets. We'd love to see you. We're coming just for you. Where are you going to be next, red man? Actually, I am going on the road with Tiffany Haddish and Tony Henshcliff.

Look at you guys. It's going to be a lot of fun. We're actually doing a Northwest tour. We're going on April 18th. We're going to be in Portland, Oregon. April 19th. We'll be in Seattle, Washington in the big 420 show in Vancouver. Oh, man. Vancouver, Canada. Oh, no shit.

What are you doing the show there? Edgewater Casino. This Death Squad fan reached out to us. I was like, dude, I can get you in this awesome casino out there. That's awesome. I love that Tiffany Haddish is in the crew now. She's a part of the cat pack. She's awesome, dude.

I like her. That's what's up. That's what's up right now. Guys, listen. The Amazon link on our website, yourmomshousepodcast.com You can shop at Amazon. All we ask is that you use the link on our site to get there.

Yeah. You're going to do what you're going to do. Maybe you should use the link on our site. We should make something clear, though. A few, like a month ago or so, we made it clear that we had changed the link into bookmark that.

But that change has taken place again. There's a new link that we've established. That's why if you're going to make it as your... What are you doing? I was playing some background music because the other music ended. Oh, because I... We cut music whenever we do ad stuff. So we're doing...

You're 12 years old. But real talk. In the past, you've bookmarked our banner link thing. Redo it because it's a different one. It's huge for us because this is what we'll tell you. What's up? We were getting taken to the cleaners

by people who gave us that Amazon link. We have our own. This is a really big thing for us. It really supports the show. If you never, you know, buy whatever, download anything, buy stuff on the store site,

but you shop Amazon, it's a huge way to help the show. And now is the time to bookmark it. Now, yeah, we did get bamboozled by our... Yeah, yeah. Really, really shit. We get Bert's new coloring book, or picture book, or whatever.

What's his name, Bert Kreischer? Bert Kreisler. By his new coloring book, like Red Band. Here's something we should also point out. This Saturday, when we're in Columbus, is when you can start watching my special on Netflix.

In addition to that, my new album, the album associated with the special called Completely Normal, is on sale now on iTunes. You can pre-order it and you'll get it Tuesday. You can download it to your phone. If you do happen to

download or pre-order my new album on iTunes, please take a screen grab and tag Bert Kreischer. Let him know that you've pre-ordered my album, and let him know that you chose it over his book. Yeah, definitely.

That's the most important thing. Why wouldn't you? The reviews are way better for your guys' careers. Can you imagine reading something that Bert wrote? Well, fairness, I'm surely in, because I don't think he can write. Maybe it has some more punctuation, but it's basically like,

and then I drank at that house, and I got drunk here, and then I took my shirt off, and then I was like, and then everybody was like, Bert, you're the best. And I was like, yeah. That does sound like...

Gossip, gossip, gossip. Unbelievable. Bert, I took my shirt off, and I've never put it back on. The end. The end. Alright, here we go. Enter it. Okay.

I don't know what you're doing. Thanks, Christine. Oh, Jesus. Stupid. Stupid. Yeah, what are you doing? Stop making this sound. This is a CD case,

and I don't think it was what I thought it was. A numy. What's a numy? Will you go like this, and then you put it on your nose? Oh, my God. What's this white stuff all over your big daddy cane CD? Somebody gave it to me. Well, then there you go.

Somebody else is old. We don't take drugs here. We got to do this. Ready to start the show? Let's go. Red Band is here. Let's have some fun. All by yourself. All you have to do is think about somebody, bring them into your being, into your energy field,

and let the rest take care of itself. I'll show you how it's done. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah.

Ah. There you have it. Under one minute. This shit is big time. Who is Ryan? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Your mom in the fucking stand. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house.

With Tom Segura. Tom Segura. Christina Pajitzi. Christina Pajitzi. Welcome to your mom's house. Can you imagine somebody really playing? Can you imagine somebody really playing? You guys...

You guys... You guys really... You guys really... rocked out there. We had Brian playing guitar, Tom playing the drums. I always play the drums. Red Farts, how have you been? How's it going guys?

We'd love to see you here, man. Thank you for coming. I love it. I love how many awesome paintings I have of Theo everywhere. It's just amazing. That one's the dog's tits, isn't it? That's the greatest. I like how there's six tits. So I can use one of them.

You nasty. What did you think of our... We specifically chose that solo tantric orgasm clip for you. Oh, thank you. Do you get into... Do you look into more advanced sexual practices? I don't know if I can know about this. Yes, I do.

Is that like a tantric seminar? No, actually I found the perfect mix for me. I have to get really drunk. I'm like... I'm talking like Jack Daniels, like eight of them. Jack and Cokes. And then... I just can go forever.

I just never come. I think that's called whiskey dick, isn't it? No, whiskey dick is usually the opposite. That's why you don't get it up. That's what happens to most people, but for me for some reason, I'm just like, okay, let's do this. Three hours later. Three out, look at him.

What a stud. Have you ever seen that on real sex when they have those nerds with ponytails? And then they're like... Face each other, and then breathe each other. Yeah, and then the Yanni in the essence. Envision her breath. And then have Cropso masturbate on your face.

No, I don't like any lights on. No lights on. I can't look at the face. I don't... Tom, would you do it? Would you want to go to one of those hippie seminars where we sit in each other's laps? You know, like I put my legs around you and then we gaze into each other's eyes

and then take in each other's instances? I would do it just for the experience. I would. I really would. As much as I make fun of it, I would probably make fun of it a lot there. What was that sound? Did you hear a thing? Oh my God, you scared the shit out of me.

You scared the shit out of me. What noise? What are you talking about? Is there something falling or something? Yeah, it sounds like there's somebody walking. Shut up. Why am I going? Because you're the biggest one. Alright, I'll go look with Brian.

What's going on? No, I'm serious. We heard something drop. Oh my God. You guys... I locked the garage door. I thought maybe someone's not getting in the garage. No one's sneaking in here. People are snacking, but no one's sneaking.

What were you saying, Tantric? Oh, so we would do it. I would go for the story. Yeah. I would also go because I would be curious is there something that I can learn from this? My mind is like, that's a bunch of wacky shit. But then I go, maybe there's something.

I mean, what? I know everything? Come on. I'm sure somebody could teach me something. But what do you want to learn? Just to last longer? Is that what it's for? No. The whole idea is that it's enhancing when you try it. Because I don't need to enhance it anymore.

It seems like I'll come faster. But what if it overall experiences better? That's what I'm saying. I think it's too intimate for me. It's a little... It's intimidating. I don't want to gaze into your eyes. I don't mean with you.

I mean like just some broad. Yeah, just some stranger. Just some stranger off the street? Sure. Have a kid. Get to know her. That kind of stuff. Remember that one we watched on Real Sex where he had the pictures of different vaginas and penis?

And he was like, this is the deer of vaginas. Yeah, this is the horse penis. Yeah, so stupid, dude. That shit is so fucking weird. The Native Americans call it a rabbit vagina. Yeah, it's silly. And he was like, now a deer and a rabbit,

they don't go well together. He had all these match-ups. So silly. But a salmon and a goat, that's a match. They're all not attractive people to taking that seminar on Real Sex. Well, that's why they're there.

I think the only reason you would go to that is you needed help. Because they're all monogamous people, though. Monogamous pigs? Yeah, I held back. I don't want to say ugly, but I want to say just a certain type. They're all hippy-dippy.

They have white people with too much time on their hands. And they're boring. This Chardonnay is getting a little old. We need to mix it up a little. Let's go to some camp together. Come over here and shit on my hips. There you go. It's white people. White people, fun.

Do you guys ever try anything different in the bedroom? Have you gone through the whole list? Is there one thing that you're like, you know, one day we'll try that? What haven't we tried? Go ahead and name it. We've done it. Inside of Tom. Oh, I see the stare like you don't say.

Every day. She's pegged me a few times. She's pegged me a few times. Yeah, of course. I love getting on all fours and having her just really hammer me. And then when she does, I go...

There was this one girl that would always fuck with my balls. Stop playing with them. They are ticklish. They have nothing that is connected to anything that feels good. You don't like your balls being played with? No, it's like get away from them.

My balls, my asshole is like... That's like a... I just like that the window's open. It's okay. You can't touch them at all. That's like a safety zone. If you even do anything, I almost won't touch them. But you realize that that's

your preference. Yeah, I guess, but that's something that is not... I would think most people don't want their balls fucked with. What do you mean, fucked with? Squeezing your balls? I've had so many boyfriends, mostly Puerto Ricans. They love having their balls

tortured, pulled... Wait, you don't like a little tug on your balls? No. I don't want you to fucking smash them, but I like a tug. I was scared the other day when I was in the shower and one of my balls was up to North.

Have you ever had that? Wait a second, it's not in my sack. It fell back down. I think I was sitting on it. Maybe, and I pushed it up there. Don't you love Red Band? Dude, why didn't you tell us about your brother?

Your brother? Your brother was on the news. My brother was on the news. I don't have a brother. What is Red Band's brother? What? I saw, we got a thing that said your brother and I was like, I didn't know about his brother.

This is your brother, right? Dude, you got the best barrels ever, dude. Just like, you pull in and you just get spit right out of them and you just drop in and just smack the lip. Hop! Just drop down, snap! And then after that, you just drop in

and just ride the barrel and get pitted. So pitted like that. What was he even talking about? Waves, bro. Surfing. That's in Huntington. Yeah, bro. He's the guy on the news, the local news. I thought you were going to say my real step-brother.

Shit, what did he do? Why are you telling me this right now? Is that a green band? No, it's more like... A purple band. There's red and blue. It makes purple. Yeah, I was using him as a weapon earlier. That's so rude.

He lives in Ohio still and he used to own a CB shop. He was the last person, I think, in the world to have a CB store. Where truckers would come in and buy CBs and stuff. Yeah, I think he had to sell it. I think that went under.

I was like, shit. In my head, I'm like, what did he do? Are you guys close? No, not at all. Do you talk ever? We used to see each other on Christmas once a year, but that's about it. He's a totally different person. He came to be stepbrothers. I was in third...

No, no. It was before my dad. He's older than me. 10 years. So you guys wouldn't have nothing in common with his children? The only thing I have in common with him is that he used to drink a 12 pack

of Mountain Dew every day for, I think, 15 years. I've heard a lot about Mountain Dew addictions. I knew a guy in high school. He was probably early 30s when I was in high school. He had a two-liter with him

that he would pass every day. I knew his wife, and she told me, he was making an effort to cut down. It was a hardcore addiction for him. My friend, PDC, he's the weed guy. He always has a Mountain Dew with him.

My stepbrother would bring a 12 pack of Mountain Dew wherever he went. He would always have in his car a 12 pack. You'd come over to your house, put it in the refrigerator. So how many would he go through when you're sitting around? He would just drink it, always have one in his hand,

like a cigarette almost. Maybe three years ago, four years ago, I went back home for Columbus where you guys are going to be here this weekend. But he lost all his teeth. He got all his teeth. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Is this a dental update?

Oh, I got a dental update, too. Oh, my gosh. I do have a dental. I recently found out that I have acid reflex. Really bad. That's from blowjobs? No, no, no. Just deep anal.

And my two front teeth are fake. When I was a kid, I was in the car accident. Me, too. And the acid from burping all the time are fucking my teeth up. You're kidding. Wait, what are your front teeth made of?

They're supposed to be temporary. No, these are temporary. Yeah, and one of them just got this humongous brown spot that just came out of nowhere on it. My dentist is like, yeah, you need to get those taken out and fixed up. And now I'm just like, all right.

So how do you just crack my teeth open again? Yes, wait, wait. Are they completely out or they're broken? No, they're like half there. Me, too. So I've got this left one half gone and then this is my real. All they're going to do is shave off the porcelain on there.

It doesn't even hurt. You should get veneers. She takes hers out at night with some of her teeth. Do you take yours out, too? Do that. They're flippers. Are you serious? You are lying.

No, Tom likes it, so I keep it. Which ones? The front, too. Did they come out? No, they don't. Just on Saturday night. Oh, God, don't freak me out. No, they don't come out, but listen, it's painless. You should get them fixed.

It doesn't hurt. Get your veneers, son. It's not that expensive. Did my emergency run to the dentist last night? No, we did not. I had a dental cupcake myself. A dental cupcake? I was chewing almonds

in the car. Healthy snacks. Very raw. I toyed with them. You flip them around and you pass them around. Like Theo does when he eats his rocks. So I was doing that

and I was chewing for a while and I went on one and I felt the top and bottom molars kind of crunched together. It felt wrong. I felt a shooting pain and I was like, oh, my God.

Of course, I finished what I was chewing and ate it. And then swallowed your own teeth. Then they felt sensitive and I was like, shit, I might have really done something. I told Christina, fuck her because I have one over here.

But I was getting on the plane within 12 hours. Nothing I could do. So I called the dentist the next morning. I told them I'm coming back Sunday. They said Monday, you'll get me in. I was like, what do I do preventatively for the next four days

with my supposedly cracked tooth? And they were like, don't chew it on it a lot if you can. Did you feel the air go in it and hit the gum? The crunch feeling and the pain and I was like, this is not good. I went that day.

He checked me out. He made me bite on different parts with something in there. And then he looked and he was like, to my eye, I can't see any damage. And I don't think you did anything but just kind of aggravated that day. I went for like, I was freaked out.

But after the almond incident, was there any recurrence? Any other discomfort? It was just uncomfortable for like a few days. And then by the time I went in there, I was like, it's not really bothering me anymore. But I still was paranoid that I had damage. You know, sometimes that's how

shit goes with your body. We'll be like, sharp shooting pain. And then it just goes for like two days and it disappears forever. You know what I had for the longest time? My right ear, my tube was stashed into what the fuck it's called. It was irritated and it would like get foggy on me

for three months. It was irritated. It just went away. You should have got that cleaned out. No, it's like I have weak tubes or whatever. And I went to the doctor and they're like, oh, what you can do is take Sudefrin. Sudefrin.

And I took it one day and I was so freaked out. Dude, I kept asking Tom the same question like 10 times in a row. I can't take it up. Ears shit freaks me out the most. My friend had just like an ear infection. So kind of like just normal ear infection and now he's deaf out of his right ear.

And he's a video editor for a living so he's constantly using his ears to. Well, that's what happens back in the olden days when you got an ear infection you just went deaf. So you really got to get that checked out if it's painful or something.

Mine was just foggy. Is there something that you guys don't go to the doctor that's like on your back of your list like one day I'll get that checked out but I don't want to do that. I just want to get the pain in the middle of it for like months remember that. Just went away.

Just one day fucking went away. Months and I was like fuck it. But most problems if you ignore it they go away. That's what I believe. Not your teeth though. I have pools of blood when I go to the number two. I have that too especially when you sit up and it starts to sprinkle on your floor

and you're like there's dark massive pools of blood. But I know it'll go away on its own. I haven't got it physical now in like a few years. You don't need that. That's bullshit. I don't find that. I never had one in my entire life. I've never had a physical 37 years in my life.

You're supposed to. Bull fuck off for what? What are they going to find? If I feel bad then that's when I'll go. By the time if you have cancer it's just let it go. Yeah but what if you have like high blood pressure or something crazy like that. You could address it now. I mean you look at that dude that just died the other day

that comic, the guy from San Diego he had some kind of innerism. Who? He's 52. Tim Wilson? No shit. He died last two weeks ago. A comic in San Diego? Yeah he was a really nice guy too.

You knew him? I knew him because he started following me and tweeting me all the time and I started following him and he started becoming really popular in Vine. Oh I know what you're saying. How did he die? Some kind of weird heart thing.

You know like one of those clogged artery type things. His vines. We're making people laugh. That's horrifying. Well there you go. Don't go to doctor. I wonder if it was like from birth. What is it called? A genitals problem?

Congenitals? Heart problem? That's right. Congenitals. We have some listener submitted dental updates. Oh no. Yeah what's going on? Dear mommies, yesterday my dentist told me I had plaque build up underneath my gums

and I was developing a mild case of gum disease. She told me that I would need deep cleaning to prevent my gums from getting worse. So today I went in for my deep cleaning and they numbed my mouth so they could get underneath my gums. Oof.

Knowing this would be a long procedure I would have to do with my gums. Knowing this would be a long procedure I put one of your older episodes to keep me entertained. Episode 42 question mark. Wow.

This is probably not the smartest idea because in the middle of the procedure Tom, you were describing when you were talking to your mom about pooping in the toilet top dog was pooping in at the same time. Lying on my back with a mouth full of dentist and bloody saliva.

I couldn't help myself with my bloody saliva and dental instruments when you described shitting in the little gap between top dog and the toilet. That's great. I remember that. Yeah, I remember. Telling my mom

it upset her so much. Do you know what I would tell her? We used to do this before we did on the show. I would say I went on a trip with my dad and she was like, I wasn't. I was like, great. You know what we did on Saturday? I was taking a shit.

I don't want to hear anymore. You got to hear this. You know that space between your legs when you sit in the toilet? I sat there and shit while he shit. So I kind of shit on his balls. It really upset my mom a lot. I can't believe you said that.

So gross. Yeah, that plaque shit is dangerous. That's where they write your teeth. Where they go 1 through 5. I feel like I'm in high school again It's just like, well, you're pretty much almost flunking. You got to take care of your girlfriend.

That's even more crazy expensive. You're in the valley. I have a Hungarian dentist I'm going to set you up with. He's very fair. I grew up with a guy. I got a dentist. You got to go, Brian. The hongo gives you vodka and then just fucking knocks your teeth out with a wrench.

Really? With a wrench. I've just had so much dental shit in my life that now I'm like it's like being a Vietnam vet. You're having flashbacks. When I was a kid, I got my teeth knocked out. I've had an implant before.

I don't know if you've had one of those titanium maraud implants. Just so much traumatic dental shit in my life. It's a lot, but you know what? You have to keep going back and get traumatized and re-traumatized because it's ongoing. Especially when you got those bondings, they don't last more than like 10 years.

You got to go. The two front are both they're actually temporary. You get these replaced in two years and I've had it since I was 15. That's really good. You have another dental update? No, that one's good. I'd like to spend more time

talking to our guests. We've got so much more to cover. He was asking about in our last episode where we played a fight clip of a girl's fighting. It sounded so brutal, the audio. Yeah, you were talking about if I remember correctly.

Let me see if I have it here. This was a a fight I don't have it in my thing here, but I know the fight you're talking about it. You asked me if it was the one where the girl didn't see the punch coming,

but that's actually a different fight. That's Sharkisha. That's Sharkisha is the one who clocks the girl. It was so violently. She kicked her. She was supposed to be her... You're supposed to be my nicotope.

That's understandable, I guess. Yeah, you're supposed to be. We actually had a song sent to us made just from the Sharkisha. Let's see. It's a pretty badass song, actually, I think. Sharkisha This is a different song.

It's pretty badass, too. This is your last episode. You had this, right? Sharkisha I was thinking, though, of a different a different song. Yeah, well, we had one

sent to us. I'll pull it up. Give me one second. I could talk something that happened recently that I thought of you guys immediately. I had a really hard turd the other day. One that kind of hurt. And it was just like halfway

and I'm like, oh my god, it's still attached. And then I felt a little fart bubble go into the turd and it like blew the fuck up and then I got up just to see what happened and it pretty much air a fart went through my turd and it just suicide bombed

like my poop. And we got under the rim and everything. It was an explosive. Do you know why that happened? Because as my mother used to say, farts push the shit out. Yeah, yeah. Farts pushes the shit.

That's why my friend always said that if you have a really bad fart, that means you have a shit on deck. That's right. You got to listen to those farts. That's a really neat story, Brian. It is a neat story. And it's all about, like you said, pay attention to your farts.

You got to pay attention to your farts. I had an interesting thing happen to me today, Brian. What? Well, this morning I woke up, I had my coffee and I made a big foot long. It was kind of a post road turd. I just came back from Denver this week. Yeah, air pressure fart for sure.

And then all day passed by, I didn't have another cup of coffee or anything. I was just standing here talking to Tom in the kitchen. I had to shit again. Wow. Yeah, I mean, that never happens. We're just unstimulated brown. And I took a huge stink or two.

It was like a road dump. Man, you know, that's a neat story. What a neat, neat story. I think I have an answer to last episode you were talking about. Where? Deep back. Deep back.

Deep back. Deep back. Deep back. Deep back. Deep back. Deep back. Deep back. Deep back.

Deep back. Deep back. That's awesome. So good. Shark show. Don't, don't kick the shark even. Don't kick? No, don't kick the shark.

No. Oh my god. Shark week. It's a bad week. It's a bad week. Holy shit. Shark week. It's a bad week.

Holy shit. That's ghost crew. They're amazing. That's called Sharkisha week. Ghost crew nailing it. We've got another ghost crew coming up. And we're going to debut in Brooklyn, I believe. Yeah, yeah, we do.

They've been sitting in the Jimmy Jams. But you were saying that you were wondering why like sometimes you shit. And you think you're only taking a small shit. And you look down like what the fuck. I think sometimes that we're judging. We're not judging how fast it's really coming out. I think you're right. I mean sometimes you kind of in your head.

Just picture it like coming out like slowly. Like soft serve ice cream at like Burger King. I think that's only because that's what we're the only way we can think about it. So let me, let me get this straight. What you're saying is that our notion of time is not the same as actual poop time. It's all relative in the time space continuum.

Right. I think sometimes that you're shitting faster speeds in a higher velocity than normal. And the only reason that we think it's slow, because in our head we've only seen people shit maybe once or twice. Or a dog poop. And we're just like going that's the speed of all the times we shit. You know what's really interesting, Brian,

is that Boethius, the great philosopher had the same idea of the notion of time. He had the idea of God's time being eternal and then our time being temporal. And what you're saying is that you're witnessing the temporal shit time and not God's infinite time of dump. Wow.

Yeah, I didn't think that Brian was saying it, but yeah. I think it's similar, yeah? I think so. Guess what? I didn't even, we didn't even address, Brian doesn't know anything about this. Oh. This past weekend,

I wrote along with the Tacoma police department. Oh, wow. Uh, there's a lot of crazy people in every city. That's what I learned. Wait, did you do it right along

or did you get arrested? I got arrested. No, I did it right along. I had a police officer come to one of my shows. He listens to this show

and invited me to come on a ride along. So cool. I always wanted to do that, actually. It was a blast. I did it once in college because when I worked at Granger, which was a great job, there was a part-time police officer.

He worked at Granger part-time. It was a cop and he invited me on a ride along. I did that with him, too. Anything happen? Anything cool? In college, the thing that we were in small town, North Carolina, this guy is drunk. We're about to pull this guy out.

He's like, whoop, whoop. As we pull the guy over, over the radio, they're like, all systems, all units available. There's a fire in the jail. He did a U-turn at 80. I just gunned it and I was like,

oh, shit, we're going to a jail fire right now? No, let me out. I'll just get out right there. That's right. As we pull up, they're like, we got under control. I called and I was like, man, I was about to stay in the car right now. I wouldn't not only have stayed in the car, I would have taken off in the car and got the fuck out of there.

Because you would have been, a bunch of prisoners started running toward you and they would get in the car and steal your car with you in it. I didn't want any part of that. You know what I just realized about Brian? I didn't really notice prior. You do have a sense of paranoia, yeah? You're convinced that bad things are going to happen.

Just now, without the sound, you're like, Well, that was weird because something fell. And then you're like, someone's in there, and then right now, you're like, how are we going to get killed? I don't know, I don't know. Post-traumatic stress. What do you mostly traumatize? When I was robbed, I still have that.

Oh, sorry, I forgot about that. I noticed that I still have it because the other day, out of nowhere, I was just pulling up into my driveway and I was just like, wait, why is it so dark? Where's the light's not on? I usually have this light and then I seriously was like, I'm just going to get run into my house real quick. I'm like, I'm in Burbank.

I should be able to deny it. You got robbed by a dude in costume, too. Yeah, that was fucked up. Why do you have to be black, too? Why can't it be something like an Indian guy? So the fact that he's black has an effect on you? No, you just see more black people than you see Indians. Every time you see a black guy.

And how many Indian thugs do you see? So if an Indian robbed me and then I saw him during the day, I'd be like, that dude's adorable. He's not going to rob. They're so cute. I was in my convertible. I have a convertible and it was nice the other day

and I'm at the side of a freeway about to get off the freeway and it was one of those homeless guys on the corner of the freeway and when you're in a convertible, that's when having a convertible sucks because he's just... Yeah, that shit's hovering over you. You know what I mean?

It's not like you don't have the protection of a roof. This guy is just looking down at you. And then I was like, all right, I never do this but I'm going to give this guy money because he's fucking right there. So I give him this like a handful of change and then he just started doing this. I thought Jay Leno, Jay Leno gave me four times Jay Leno

across the street four times Jay Leno. And he just kept on talking about Jay Leno. And I had no idea. And I'm just watching pieces of spit fly and like go over my head. And I'm just like, oh, God, one of these spits are going to hit me in the face and then luckily the light turned green, I just took the fuck off.

I was just like, I don't even know what went over there. Can they fuck with my ass, man? They really make it uncomfortable at those off ramps, don't they? I hate it. I give money when I see women because I feel badly for them. Not for the guys? Well, you know, I feel badly for them too.

But the women... Yeah, I mean, if they have like a slight like, oh, if she took a shower, she might be doable. Then I'll give her some money and I'll give her that little wink and look her up and down like a piece of meat. I like that. What are they going to do?

They've probably been raped all day. Let's get Brian. So here's what the first call we went on was unwanted person. And that's when... An unwanted person? Yes. A crying baby on the side of her.

That's somebody who won't leave like a business. Oh, that's funny. So you go there and this lady was in sane. Truly unwanted. In the membrane. She's so crazy.

She wouldn't answer any questions. And then all of a sudden she goes like, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine. Out of nowhere. And we were like, what? She goes, I'm totally fine. And she was like, yeah, I know I am. And they're like, okay,

just you've been kind of acting really not normal for the last few minutes. She was like, I was thinking. I can't be confused. And then a guy's like, well, you need to... And she goes, I need to, are you the king? And then he was like,

all right, and then they just like the paramedic guys were like, so we just talked to the king and he's going to send someone for you. And then the other guy was like, yeah, and the king said it's okay to get in the car when it comes.

They were like using the king thing against her, which I thought was hilarious because she's the one that threw it at them. Like, what are you, the fucking king? And then the ambulance showed up and they're like, hey, your cherry, it's here. That's hilarious. And you know what I feel like most people

don't recognize? Nobody empathizes with how much these guys have to deal with two types all the time. They have to deal with completely insane people all the time. Like legitimately 100% crazy.

And then the other end that they deal with all the time is absolute pieces of shit. The worst people, liars, thieves, scumbag, violent people. So all day, both the fire department, paramedics, police department

deal with huge liars. Now, that doesn't mean I'm not saying that they're all fucking angels, the people that have these jobs. But some of them are really, like I was with good guys. There's always assholes. Any industry has everything.

And giving them power, it's always going to attract some bad guys in that field if you're talking about a position of power. Well, and plus I imagine just dealing with shit bags every day all day would wear down the half of this normalist person.

It would make you crazy too. Okay, so our second unwanted person call this woman by the way. So we walk up and I go and we're talking to a couple of police officers and me and also I go like, whoof.

And I'm like, man. And I walk away with one of the guys and I was like, do you smell that? And they're like, oh yeah. And I go, it smells like she just shit her pants like right now. He goes, it smells like she's chewing her own shit. Because it's like, you could just

smell like, it's just waft. I was like, oh my god. And I mean, she was completely insane. She didn't know where, you know, she knew where she was. She didn't know the date. Anyways, so they're like, we got to wait right here. And she, you know, just everything looks bad on her, right? Skin,

she's got bandages and they're like, we just got to run your info to make sure you don't have any warrants, right? And she was like, yeah, go ahead. And, you know, she's all fucking eyes darting around and rechecking her tits on shit. Yeah, she had sloppers. She didn't really have a good broth.

So the one guy goes to the car, me and another cop stand with her and they're like, just got to chill out because we're running your info. And she goes, I've never done anything in my life. I've never committed, I've never stolen a thing in my life. I've never done anything like that.

And he's like, all right, they're just going to check you out. The other cop goes back, he's like, yeah, so you got a warrant for shoplifting right now. And it's like, she was just, you know, so adamant about how she's never done anything. And you're like, oh, and like, I would be like, oh, I believe, I guess you've never done anything. Of course.

They're all liars. To tell. They throw her in the back. Oh, no. Yeah. And then they ended up, oh, here's the thing, then they're whatever. Then they end up just taking her to a mental health place. Then we go to a DUI at 2.30 in the afternoon. Yes. A lady had backed up

into a car twice. There you go. Yeah. And then she was, her eyes were all glassed over and they were like, yeah, we need your, you know, at this point, everyone was standing outside of the car. Can we get your insurance? She's like, yeah, I just got to find it. And the cop was like,

we've been looking for it now for seven minutes. Like, she's going through like the same papers. And then they asked her for a field sobriety and she did pretty well on that, but she still got taken in. Tell me about the coughing one. The what? Oh, that was the fucking

six bags of shit in her mouth. Yeah. She was like, like that, just openly coughing. And like, she looked like she was in like stage four of some bad disease. So it was already a bad look. And then she goes, one

of the cops and he goes, could you do me a favor and cover your mouth when you do that? And she goes, yeah. Dude, I still coughed openly. There's somebody recently that I used to hang out with and it was one of those like you have bad manners.

Like your family didn't teach you anything about every time she sneezed, every time she coughed, she never put her like her hand over it. Now would go like, I felt like my mom, like to me as a kid, like cover your face. Like I was like, how am I saying this to a grown adult? Like she's just

sneezing while she's walking next to people and I was like, I don't know. Well, dude, on the airplane next to me on the way home from death, that's probably why I'm sick right now. Some fucking twat next to me. In the middle seat, she's taking her jacket off. So of course, her elbow is in my fucking face. And then

just barking, barking on. I mean, why are you on the fucking? When you when an adult does that, it's like, because kids, you're like, someone's got to teach this kid what's up. Cough into your sleeve or something. I mean, what the fuck is wrong with you? Yeah, I sneeze. I have a jacket.

I'll go into my jacket. Yeah, of course. While I was sleeping, I put my head down on the fucking tray. I was in a dead sleep and she pokes me. Do you want, do you want to order a drink? Oh my God, I've never occurred me to wake somebody.

Wake up. I was like, even people that like, I know I wouldn't wake them up. The whole thing, like the common knowledge is like someone's asleep. You don't wake them up. Hey, man, you want to eat? Obviously not. But big shout out to

all Tacoma emergency services. They were great. They were great people. I had a great time with them. And then to a big shout out to my buddy, Mark Ostrut, who set up my gig in Port Angeles where I did a show

28 feet above the audience. That was also one of those kind of stages where the stage. No, I'm not kidding. I'm going to grab my phone. The stage like like a Vita style look up. Okay. That's how the audience.

Yes. Yes. Why? Because they don't normally do shows in this venue stand up. It's for DJs. So it's like they play music and they're like, let's do stand up. And then when I saw it, I was like, oh shit. And I was like, you want to move it down here? They're like, no, leave it up there.

But then people are like that, like their next like like you're on a construction site and you're like Kevin, that would suck so we got a hammer. He's like, hold on and put it in the bucket like that and you pull it up. What a horrible angle to set up was not right. But the the people

that at the show and the people that put it on everybody was cool and Port Angeles actually was this parts this country like you realize you'll never go to ever if it's something like this didn't come up. I would never end up there. It's like beautiful, you know, like on lakes and like you see the mountains and

it's stunning like scenery. Yeah. Before I forget, I want to give a big thank you to Anne who brought me a beginner's crocheting kit. She brought me a bag of yarn and needles and a book

because I picked up crocheting in my spare time. Well, what am I going to do in hotel rooms like blow and bang dudes like I don't what am I going to do in between Puerto Rican guys. There's not a lot. I should say also that

the week of shows in Tacoma was was insane. It's such a good like that Seattle area for us is amazing. So many so many mommies and you guys came out. Thank you for supporting me coming out to the shows. You sold out. You bought all

my bike shirts. It was just it was just incredible. Thank you for coming out and we're going to be in Seattle real soon. I would say before summer, hopefully we haven't released the info yet to do our podcast live there.

So that should be fun. Can we please move on to what I need to discuss with Brian? Sure. What do you need to discuss? Should we Oh, yeah. We think this we know that you're open to meeting people and so if you want to meet

me. Hey there my used panty slave. You just love my pussy and ass smell and flavors. Don't you can you get these bathing suit bottoms? I know what you're going to do with them. You will deeply

inhale my fragrance as you stroke your beauty fucking cock. She was farting? Yeah. I don't know if you've ever been to I love girlfarts.com I met these people at AVN

You met I Love Girl Farts? Yeah the people that Do you think I could do something with them? Because I like making girl farts. Oh yes you could. Hey, I love girl farts. Please don't reach out to my wife. How much girl farts, how much did you pay

for the celebrity farts? Solo farting masturbation. Please tell me you're not doing this. Please tell me. I would love to. Listen if you guys want to create an app for me where I just fuck my stoma people can download farts

of all varieties of mine. There's definitely plenty to choose from. There's definitely a lot of farts from Tina. But Brian so I'm sure you're aware that Tom and I have had this debate it's been very polarizing amongst our listeners too. A lot.

Tom claims that quote everybody modulates the sounds of their farts by playing with their cheeks. The fart pitch. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, absolutely. Mostly in the shower too like the Donald Duck is my favorite. Tell us something.

And is that because water is falling through the screen? No, I take my hand and I make like a little like cup. With water? Yeah, around my butthole. Like I just pretty much make like a little cup around my butthole and let it fill up with water and then when it's filled up with water then I fart and then it sounds like Donald Duck.

See everybody I don't know why you're in such denial. Well, I don't know. I just not part of my lexic. I mean girls don't really play with their farts like everybody plays with their farts. Girls barely fart. This is an advanced move. This is varsity level farting.

I'm not on this level. This is varsity dude. I'm like JV. Oh, please. I've been with you for years. You're not JV. But I don't make sounds and I can't do the Donald Duck. Your farts make a lot of sound. I don't have a signature move.

Your farts make a lot of sound. They make a lot of everything. I need a signature move. Will you help me cultivate one? Okay. You can do the Daisy Duck. Just like have Tom show you how to do it. Here's what I would like to do. Fill my mouth up with water. Oh my gosh.

You should take a little tube from your butthole and put it into your vagina and try to fart and see if it turns into a quiff or if it just disappears. You should do that. That's a very really good suggestion. Brian, have you suggested this

to your friends at I Love Girl Farts? No, I haven't. It's a really good idea. I tried to watch some of it and it really was a little bit too disturbing. It was literally girls getting farted on

and girls farting on other girls right in their fucking mouth and stuff. It was just two there was wet ones. There was wet ones. I'm sorry, go ahead. I just got excited because I actually have a perfect email for what we're discussing with developing

my own signature fart. This email says, I would like to chime in on the fart pitches. Me and my girlfriend are sitting on the couch and I see her about to squeeze out a fart. I move her cheek a little to change her pitch.

She is usually sitting sideways which makes it possible. Makes both of us giggle. I call that a fart assist. Give it a shot and see what you can do. You could also take a blade of grass and put it in between your butthole lips and then it whistles.

You squeeze your butthole and put the blade of glass in between it and it whistles. Yeah. Okay, Bri, Bri. Is this the... Which one is that? Did you just finish reading? Oh, that's the shorter

of the two. There's one from Lane. Yeah, read that one. Okay, this is the other one. Dear mommies, I've been experimenting with the pitch of my farts for years. A veteran. Well, yes, one trick I've done is I will press my butt cheeks together

to give my poof more base. Hmm. Not only will the poof... I'm sorry, be louder, but the air travels down towards the taint and gives your balls a nice tickle. Oh, Brian wouldn't like that. I've also lifted one butt cheek to change the pitch.

One time in the shower I lifted one butt cheek to fart and I shit all over my hands. See? That's what I'm talking about, though. That's the danger. I screamed really loud and my roommate asked if everything was all right. I just said I just shit in the shower

and she said, you better clean it up. And I said, it's cool. I caught the shit with my hand. Just writing you this to let you know the dangers of lifting up one cheek while trying to poot. See? Sincerely Lane. Now, Brian, have you ever run into that?

No. Well, I mean, I've farted and shit myself all the time, obviously. Is this kind of taunting mother nature, if you will? Aren't you tempting the fates by pulling the cheeks apart at that crucial moment? No, I think I know when

I have to worry about it. I think when you wake up with some liquid, you know, Jack Daniel's shit, it's not probably the best thing to try to blow it out as hard as possible in the middle of fucking routs. But, but then, you know, you have

the other one where you're like around a girl and you have like the creeper ghost that goes up your butt crack and kind of like the bottom of your back and like it's going up to heaven or something. Right. I love that. That's my favorite fart. Which one? Let's discuss this. It's just where you have that little hot, warm one that just has like almost

a little bubble. I think you have to have like a sweaty ass crack at the time and you can just kind of feel like going up to heaven like right up your crack. There's a little bubble on this. Is the exit you like a... Yeah, it's kind of like a... Is that hot though?

It's hot one. But then doesn't that mean diarrhea is on the way? It probably means it. How are you doing? Good, how are you? I'm kind of horny. How are you? Yeah. You want to play with us?

Sure. Yeah. This is Brian's site, so I figured to check it out. I like it. You like it so far? I don't know if that's what's going to... Oh, somebody is being

ordered to their knees. Oh, okay. Yep, now they're bending over in front of him. You're like, oh. That's a little booty she has. Yep, she's got a little booty. What's going to happen next?

She's coming. He's putting his face... Put your tongue inside. That's good. Oh! Right in his mouth. Yeah. That's not good.

That's not good. Oh! He tastes. We forgot to mention we have burritos. Does he know that's like shit? He's getting shit in his mouth and as somebody that's had shit in their mouth

I can never imagine being... Wait, what? I've said this already a million times on a million podcasts but a girl shit in my mouth recently. What? Recently. Let me give you the quick story. I was on ecstasy, she was on ecstasy.

She had never done ecstasy before. She couldn't feel her body. I couldn't feel my body. We were at a party. We sneak out to like this secret place and the party outside. There was a lot of shit in my mouth because she kind of feel her butt hole. So I shit it back into her

and then like wiped my face on her butt and then started drinking like water from the pool and to wash out my mouth. I don't think she ever knows about it or knew about it. And the worst part was is that she was a porn star and that she had done a scene earlier that day

and I'm like thinking what if there was come in there? You know, it was probably like come shit. I've never been grossed out on our show. It just happened. I've never... I wish that wasn't true too. I wish you hadn't said it. I am so horrified right now.

We've had some real interesting characters. Did you realize what you just told us in 30 seconds? We've had a professional porn star come in here and talk about triple quadruple penetration. Not nearly as horrifying as our friend's story just now. She's shit and you said I put it back in? Yeah, it was like immediately...

It wasn't a lot. It was like half dollar. I'm in a fucking puke right now. And what's gross is that... You know like sometimes when you're not... You're gonna do a good wipe and maybe later... Yes, I have it all the time. And you'll smell your finger and be like...

Not that. Well, it's like that smell... It's like a ghost. I don't know where... I'll just be walking and I'll have that smell. Like it's a spirit. My nose is haunted now from it. It's gross is it?

Was it diarrhea? Yeah, I think it was a little bit of just liquidness. What number on the scale? Like one, definitely. It was like a one. You are so foul. I can't do it! Did you get sick?

You can get sick from that. Luckily, I spit it back in there and I just immediately just started drinking chlorine. Which I'm sure is not good for you but I was like... You were eating a porn star's ass after she did a scene that day. Yeah.

Yeah, when you're on ecstasy you're not really thinking it out too much. You're just like, I'm fucking horny and we're in the woods. Okay. I'm a fucking monster, dude. I see that. I'm disgusting.

Cleaning my act up right now. That's okay. We forgive you. I've been bad, guys. You're still our child. Red Band, please plead with your Ohio natives to come see us on Saturday.

Of course they're going to come out there. The Desquad Ohio is powerful there. Have you reached out to the Desquad Ohio? Well, we haven't made... We've been doing our show talking about it so we're just hoping that Ohio comes out strong. We think they're tweeting about it.

Yeah, and now that we obviously we're hoping that offering this new ticket price will help us out. Yeah, it's going to be a lot of fun. What do you guys... When you do a live podcast, is it just the same? Like you're playing sound effects? Or do you have any kind of new things

that you do at the live show? Well, it's always a show that's somewhat catered. We design a show for that city. We do our show, we do things that we do some of the quote-unquote regular segments of that show.

We rarely have a guest in the live shows because it's harder to book a guest for a show that's going to be 1,500 or 2,500 miles away. But we just do our show. We just do what we do. It's so fun to do live.

Oh, this Friday, the show that's going to go up is going to be the last live show from Pasadena. You'll get to hear what a real live show is. I wish I could go. That would be awesome.

If you're going to Columbus, it would be crazy. I'm going to Dallas this weekend just to see the UFC. Are you really? I'm going to leave Thursday and just hang out in Dallas. I love Dallas so much. It's a good town. They do it real big in Dallas.

It's weird because last time I went there, I've always been a huge Austin fan. I'm like, oh, that's where I want to move. I love Dallas this time around. They have a nice little vibe down there, especially downtown or wherever the big streets are. I feel like every big city

in Texas has a very distinct style to it. You have something? Much like your farts. Did you say something? No. I just got a tweet from somebody about our Amazon link. Just to reiterate, guys, if you have the old one,

don't bookmark the old one. It's a new one. Please remember that you can start watching my special this Saturday on Netflix. That's awesome. You can pre-order the album, which comes out Tuesday,

but it'll automatically go to you if you order it now. It's on iTunes. It's called Completely Normal. It's a new hour of material. I hope you get it. I hope you like it. Red Band, thank you for coming down. Hey, thank you, guys. Anytime. I miss you, guys. I miss you, too. We love you the most.

We love you. We'll see you in New York and Columbus very soon. Hopefully, we'll have Red Band back here very soon. Get out there, Ohio. Go there. Thanks, buddy. We love you. We've had a little bit of an argument going,

oh, who's the main? Who's the main mommy? I'm the main mommy. The main mommy. Me. I believe the main mommy. I qualify. Could be the main mommy.

The main mommy. Christine is the main mommy. Did you know that? Speaking of the main mommy. And it's the main mommy. So you fart more. You wear more jeans. I think this is always going to break out in a tie.

No matter what you bring up, you can bring out this, and you guys just have to be the moms together. That's true. This is what you agreed upon. See, someone reasonable just came into the picture. Right. Whatever. We'll have to agree to mom agree. Which makes me

the main mommy. Thank you for watching.