Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - Setting The Record Straight w/ Joe DeRosa | Your Mom's House Ep. 744

Starting point is 00:00:00 Sort of getting my shit together. We talked about this. Yeah, so I started doing testosterone How you feeling I feel great processes dick two days later. Yeah in the shower. Yeah as you're cleansing Of course it cleans in my clam and I had to think about That's right You dropped off a trans man. Is that what I heard? A trans woman. A trans woman, yes. How was that? We have so many questions. So many questions.

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Starting point is 00:01:52 slash mom. That's mintmobile.com slash m-o-m. Cut your wireless bill to 15 bucks a month at mintmobile.com slash mom. Additional taxes fees and restrictions apply. See Mint Mobile for details. Asalaamu alaikum and welcome to another episode. Sulaika Masala. Mama say mama salamakusa. Your mom's house. She's Christine, I'm Tim.

Starting point is 00:02:18 We're here and we're ready to rock and roll with you. We're here, we're queer, gay. Very excited. It's been a lot of fun last few episodes I just realized there's a the blind shit fucking guy right there shit. I'm sure shit. I'm fine. I Also like trains like I like aviation And listening to you take a good shit. I tell you he'd have a field day today I haven't tooting and I really need to take a dump right now

Starting point is 00:02:44 No, kind of but it's not do you want to just pause it? It's gonna No, I want to build it up a little more. This is the difference between you and me historically is that I say hey I gotta go and it means I gotta stop what I'm doing and shit you it's a 30-minute warning. Yeah How does your body not become constipated? Because if I ignore the waves, then it's dead. Everybody has a gift. Everybody has gifts. And I can just, yeah, I can just wait it out a little bit. Now, I also, I also have right now moments where it's like, no, right now. That's because that's diarrhea. No, sometimes it's a regular. And

Starting point is 00:03:19 it's just like, how's your metamuse all that's going on? I didn't take it because somebody didn't fucking do their job. And that's you. That's your job. Oh, yeah, drink it right now. Let's have them make some. And somebody bring in a glass, please. I have the water and some metamucle and something to stir.

Starting point is 00:03:37 Please. It gets chalky if it sits. I would also like one, please. Are you going to get on this? Please bring anyone as well, please? Wow? Are you ready to shit with us fiber consumptions seriously here? Jesus Christ listen, so I've because I'm Perry menopausal Yeah, the metamucle game hasn't been putting a debt in my browns

Starting point is 00:04:00 So I texted our doc. Yeah, and he's like you need to take at least three stool softeners a night or a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a It just stings me. So wait, what are your hormones doing to you? I don't understand. So it's like you're just up and down and all over. Don't admire my sweater. I wasn't admiring. Don't admire it. I was like, why is it falling apart? Go ahead. Because it's rad and I'm middle aged and this is what we crazy broads do.

Starting point is 00:04:33 You get stuff that looks like a homeless person made it and I couldn't love it more. Yeah. Can I tell you something? I bet it was real cheap too, right? Yeah, of course. This is from Goodwill. When I'm not wearing the sweater,

Starting point is 00:04:44 I hang it up in my closet Just so I may admire it. That's how much I love this crazy. I understand. I understand fashion passion. I understand Why what are you obsessed with your beige and your khaki your grays? Thanks team. Oh, do you want one or is that for I can I ready to make a collection But thank you hang out here one second? I'll watch you run this one into edgin old How much are you gonna put in there today? You just do one. I usually do two. All right, you need to there we go Load me up Let's go. Have you tried this before? No, your first shit's gonna be incredible. I never had this. You can't let it sit

Starting point is 00:05:22 You gotta drink it right away. It coagulates. It's disgusting. Well you, um... It's like jizz. You gotta drink it while it's hot. Will you bring that to him? I know. I might need to stir it a little more.

Starting point is 00:05:32 Speaking of jizz, have you seen that movie, Salt Burn yet? I did. Yeah, so you know what I'm talking about. It's a pretty tasty part. For the kids. I'm not gonna ruin it. Spoiler alert.

Starting point is 00:05:43 If you're out there, I'll say this though You should give it a watch you really should you know why well anything cuz some people are gonna like it Some people are not just like any film, but yeah, it is not your standard Yes blueprint of another movie where you're like, I know what's happening in this like there's there's fun. There's surprises surprises surprise surprise surprise And I will look one spoiler alert. There's a tremendous dong in the film, which I'm always a fan of I And I think there's a suit There's a couple of superfluous scenes in that film just to showcase what this guy was packing

Starting point is 00:06:18 You think for instance, there's an ending scene. Yeah, that's it's the way it was done was just to showcase His unit. That's just my opinion because it's a female director. I think it's tremendous I think the hang on it was was lovely is a lovely bounce a soft bounce as they say and What I mean and to be able to see it in the shadows like that. Yeah, wow No, it is uncircumstred. Yeah, and I've never had an unsurcumcised Cockabiffle it was healthy. I'll say that. It was weighty and healthy. And yeah, someone's a shower, not a grower. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:06:55 Well, it makes up for that face. Jesus Christ. I know. That guy. But the other guy's super handsome. He's he was the all word. He has such a. Would you he just has hooded eyes. I have hooded eyes. Well, you look like that too. And the Icelandic. So does Bjork. The Icelandic's. Me and that guy. Yeah, Barry Kogan. Barry Kagan. He's Irish.

Starting point is 00:07:16 He's got a huge dog. You guys got a... It's not huge. It's not huge. It's normal. It's a normal healthy poopy. It's not that big. It's not that big. You're misleading people. Well, he's also's normal. It's a normal. It's not that that big. It's not that that big you're misleading people Well, he's also super short. So you have a thing of the proportions. Yeah, I agree. He's closer to the ground It's a fuck. Yeah, so I'm talking about wow and a nitro cold brew. I Think this shit's gonna get a little accelerated today, but he's a tremendous actor He's a great actor and the other boys in euphoria who I just adore He's a great actor. He does have a really nice penis. You do get to see it.

Starting point is 00:07:47 Yeah, it's the best part of the whole movie. It's not the best part of the movie. Dick action. Jesus, you're such a whore. How's that menomusal going down? Pretty good. What do you think? Oh, yo, we have some very important follow ups. Yeah, how's that?

Starting point is 00:08:05 How's the menomusal for you in your first shot? It's alright. Yeah, it's not like a milkshake. It tastes like fucking orange. No, but let's give the fucking orange. Let's give a minute to Saltburn though for a second. Oh, sure. Yeah, it's filthy. If you if you're into like checking out a fucking like a movie that's gonna hit you with unexpected things with surprises. It's a it's a she capture. I'll say this without giving away. I'm not gonna give away anything about what you're gonna see. She captures the the detachment of the uber wealthy from reality so well. So the characters are really really well flushed out. You're like really well done. I think it's a enjoyable movie. I recommend that I'm not gonna spoil it for you.

Starting point is 00:08:49 No, and Rosamund Pike, I adore her. She's great. This whole cast was just lovely. They're so good to look at. And it takes place at Olksford, which we all know mommy loves. And once again, there's Dicks. And there's Dicks.

Starting point is 00:09:01 One dick, but you get to see it multiple times. Sweet, Rob. You know what's funny too, it's what's funny about this lady. I bring up the dick from the shadow scene, she goes, you know, I really didn't notice it. I was kind of not paying attention. Couple of days later, she's like,

Starting point is 00:09:16 God, seeing that thing in the shadows. You know why? I'll tell you why, because in the moment I was taken aback by the character, what had happened, and I was convoluting by the character what had happened and I was Convoluting the two I wasn't giving dick appreciation what I should have yeah Give me a couple days to process what I saw and in the shower today. I thought to myself. I said self. Mm-hmm. That was a good scene Because it took a couple days for me to get over

Starting point is 00:09:41 Processes dick two days later. Yeah,, I had to separate him from the character. In the shower, yeah, as you're cleansing your body. Of course, so cleansing my clam, and I had to think about... God. That's where you think about dicks. Where else should I think about peters? When I'm with my children,

Starting point is 00:09:59 I can't think about dicks when I'm watching my kids. That's where I think about cocks. Speaking of cocks, we were discussing airtight, the concept of going airtight. That's what a lady gets. You're really on one today. One in the pink, one in the stinking, one in the mouth. And we said to ourselves and to the audience,

Starting point is 00:10:16 does this really happen? IRL is the kids. Well, that would come after the opener, Gene. Oh, I'm so sorry. We haven't even. No, we haven't opened it. Soon, there. All right, here you go. I've got cock on the brain, Gene. Oh, I'm so sorry. We haven't even... No, we haven't opened it. All right, here you go. I've got cock on the brain. Yeah. I'm cox-macked. Oh my god.

Starting point is 00:10:31 I killed about 10,000 Chinese and North Koreans with motor fire and artillery fire. Because there was a lot of targets, the best way to put it. And plus with a rifle firing hand grenade, I killed another 400. Plus I'm the top soldier in hand to hand combat in America. I've killed 20 people in hand to hand combat. Okay. Glad he's on our team. Welcome to your mom's house Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, please don't Kill 20 people But with my hands on the lullaby

Starting point is 00:11:44 I'm a social path, but I work in the government. So that's okay. So funny thing about old folks is you're like, fuck this sweet old man. This is your neighbor, Chuck. Hey grandpa. Yeah, he's like, how are you doing today? I'm a lofmights and pumpkin path. You don't want to come over later. I mean, yeah. Monster. I had a bad sense of humor the best way to put it. I could have shot

Starting point is 00:12:14 several people but I beat her to death with my rifle instead. I kind of liked their rattled-ear cage. I just got good at that stuff. Yeah. And then my kid brother was killed in action in Korea and I re-enlisted immediately. To me, it was just some stranger killing my brother, not an enemy, and I made up a mind I was gonna kill a lot of people, which I did.

Starting point is 00:12:43 Is that a goal? I almost knew nobody. a lot of people which I did. I didn't make friends easy. The only person I had with me was a radio man and I lost eight of them, three killed and five wounded and then I had to send four back because they couldn't cut it. They Just panicked too much afraid of dying There you go because you got to be a stone cold killer. Oh, he just completely talked away a total detached psychopath would talk about killing. He's just like well, I had a kind of a bad sense of humor.

Starting point is 00:13:27 But what's the funny ha ha part? Is that instead of just outright shooting somebody, he would butt their heads with his gun. With those rifles, yeah. The rifle. That's the humorous part. That's the part where he goes, I like to rattle their cages.

Starting point is 00:13:39 Hell, that's lost. That is such a, I've never heard rattle their cage with a beat someone to death with my rifle. Eerie. It's so dark. Holy shit. But dude, how rad is it that he's on our team, you know? Yeah, he's got the Medal of Honor, man.

Starting point is 00:13:53 That's the highest reward you can get. For crushing skulls. Yeah. For America as a wild man. And there's a description of what he did for the Medal of Honor, because you don't just get it for body counts. Oh. But you had, yeah, you should get it. You can't just be like, I killed a thousand people. And they're what he did for the Medal of Honor because you don't just get it for body counts. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. You can't just be like, I killed a thousand people and I'm like, here's the Medal of Honor. He actually has, there's a story of where he got. If you, if you can, if you pull up that source video, oh, it might be

Starting point is 00:14:18 in there as well. Dude, this fool has a Wikipedia? Yeah, well. Dang, I didn't realize he was that official. Oh, here it is. Listen to this. Put on my dad's shades. Corporal Rosser, distinguished himself by conspicuous gallantry above and beyond the call of duty. While assaulting heavily fortified hill positions, company L, 38th Infantry Regiment,

Starting point is 00:14:39 was stopped by fierce automatic weapons, small arms, artillery, and mortar fire. Corporal Rosser, a forward observer with the lead platoon of Company L, when it came under fire from two directions, turned his radio over to his assistant, disregarding the enemy fire, charged the enemy positions, armed only with carbine and a grenade. At the first bunker, he silenced its occupants with a burst from his weapon. Getting to the top of the hill, he killed two enemy soldiers,

Starting point is 00:15:03 then went down the trench, killed five more as he advanced. He then hurled his grenade into a bunker and shot two other soldiers as they emerged. Having exhausted his ammunition, he returned through the enemy fire to obtain more ammunition and grenades and charged the hill once more. Calling on others to follow him, he assaulted two more enemy bunkers, although those who attempted to join him became casualties. Corporal Roster once again exhausted his ammunition, obtained a new supply, and returned to the hilltop a third time. Hurled grenades into the enemy positions. During his heroic action, Corporal Roster single-handedly killed at least 13 of the enemy. After exhausting his ammunition,

Starting point is 00:15:40 he accompanied the withdrawing platoon, and though himself wounded, wounded made several trips across terrain still under enemy fire to help remove Other men injured more seriously than himself So yeah, that's you know a lot that's a lot. Yeah Anyway, that's a that's a wild story. I mean that's somebody's granddad dude. It sure is yeah Yeah, you would never know was the oldest of 17 children this guy. Nah, he's like a badass there. Yeah, he sure fucking does Yeah, this guy's a stone cold killer. I tell you this you don't you don't shake that man's with a soft shake You know I mean like you know Yeah

Starting point is 00:16:22 Rattle your cage if you give me a Pretty fucking while salute sir. We're glad you're on the good guys team Yeah. Oh, I might want to rattle your cage if you give me a soft grip. Dang. Yeah. Pretty fucking wild. Yeah, he's all right. Well, salute, sir. We're glad you're on the good guy's team. Ha ha ha. Gosh.

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Starting point is 00:17:30 you're ready to launch go to squarespace.com slash mom to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. It is a new year and like a lot of you I've set goals. One of my goals is to just keep being healthier, eat better food, higher quality, better for me. Hungry root is the easiest way to get fresh, high quality food delivered to your door. You've got healthy groceries and simple recipes all in one place. Take a fun, short quiz and hungry root

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Starting point is 00:18:30 Just go to Hungry Root dot com slash mom. They get 40% off your first delivery and get your free veggies. That's Hungry Root dot com slash mom. Don't forget to use our link so they know we sent you. Well, anyway, that was a cool uplifting story. Thanks, Tom, for that. Another YMH news. This is the airtight follow-up.

Starting point is 00:18:51 We asked women to write it. Then he broads out there, they're in airtight. Surprise, surprise. Two dudes wrote in. Yeah, there you go. I knew a girl. We all fucked her, not simultaneously. But her name name was McKenna and McKenna was a nasty She was great

Starting point is 00:19:11 Anyway, she fucked my three friends once she was disgusting, but this was out of character even for her two of them were fat This is like a fucking five-year-old wrote this This is like a fucking five-year-old wrote this. Two of them were fat. One of the fat smell bad. Smelled bad. And the guy that was in his, that was in the mouth was the only one who was a normal looking, somewhat attractive dude.

Starting point is 00:19:35 That was your boyfriend too. To sum it up, everyone was fucked up that night and they broke up shortly after. For the record, I fucked her a few weeks before this happened. Well, good for you, peace. His name is peace. I'm glad you got in there before all these nasty pigs, fatsoes did. Oh my God.

Starting point is 00:19:48 I wonder if McKenna's life story is like. It sounds good. If that's one night, I mean, there's gotta be other nights. A lot of bad decisions led up to that one night. This is from Brock. He writes, Love the Pod figured I could give insight into the latest episode. I think your numbers are wildly downplayed

Starting point is 00:20:06 I'd gander to say most women Most women have had two guys at once if not more shit this this girl hasn't that's Or I grip in the most whorish sector of the US I know multiple females that have taken two guys at once like a lot I also know a few girls who have done three at once three's wild But I'll do you one better my ex took a trip to Gulfport to the military base down there to cheat on me And wound up doing five at once I didn't even know that could happen five at once all holes and both hands First of all, okay

Starting point is 00:20:54 Also, how do you get that story out of the girl cuz like anybody who does that is not like I went down the golf part Five cocks like no one's telling you that story Yeah, but loose lips sink ships and I'm guessing if there's five guys one of them is talking because if they're on the military base They're young five at once? I mean that's moot that's porno shit like. Yeah but all holes in both hands. Yeah that's pretty insane. But that literally is like that's horrible. That's pro level shit. I would I would guess that even five guys wouldn't even know what to do they'd be like I don't you know like what. Well let's let's even look at it logistically. You've got two, one in the pink, one in the stink, one in the mouth.

Starting point is 00:21:27 How do you even know how to do it? That's what I'm saying. That's too much. Like for most guys, if they're like, they get in the room together, let's go both. They're like, I don't know, I'll just wait till you're done. Like they're not gonna, they're not pros. You know what I mean?

Starting point is 00:21:39 But imagine you're 20 years old, you're on a military base, maybe haven't been with a woman in a minute. Yeah, sure. I can see how you want to do it. I'm just saying five at once, feels make believe. Shows up to Gulf. I would reply to this guy, be like,

Starting point is 00:21:53 yeah, can we get more details on this story? It's a little questionable that dudes write it. Like they always know all of it. Also, here's something. Did you see Solburn? Please. Yeah. Okay, here's my question.

Starting point is 00:22:03 Do you think, because we kind of just got off the cock topic right away. No, I'm sorry. I didn't think the female though. Do you think he fluffed before his scenes? Yes. You got it. Yeah, and that's what I was going to ask.

Starting point is 00:22:13 Would you fluff before that scene? Of course. Of course. It's like doing push ups before you take a shirt off for the scene. Yeah. Yeah, I was going to say, I would be like, just another minute.

Starting point is 00:22:23 Smacks, smacks, smacks, smacks, smack, smack, smack. You ready? Not quite yet. Smack, smack, smack, smack, smack, smack, pull, pull, pull Yes, because it was a heavy hang and then like that's a It wasn't a soft high bounce. It was a heavy hang bounce. Yeah. Yeah, and I was That hang was ready almost one one one notch away from ready from getting up That's what I'm saying because everybody has like this is the last moment before it raises He was there And that's where and that every time we cut I would be like I need another few minutes Go back in the room in the trailer

Starting point is 00:23:01 trailer, flash, flash, flash, flash, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back. And then we're sitting here like, are we ready to shoot? Are we ready to shoot? Are we ready to shoot? Okay. And action. I'd be like, oh my God.

Starting point is 00:23:11 Am I really hanging like, yeah. Gosh. Well, I wonder if you fluffed himself or if that's like a hair and makeup thing. Like, did someone else? No, he touches on the dick. I mean, there's a whole crew there. Yeah, there's a whole crew.

Starting point is 00:23:21 Yeah, but it's not that kind of movie. You might need some help. That's the whole finale of the movie I mean you just need a little eye contact to you just go to you keep looking at me keep fluffing my keep on fucking fluffing but everybody was so good-looking in that cast they're probably semi-hard all day yeah true the guys the gals everybody so good-looking you don't want when you shoot a scene like that, you don't want empty balls. You don't want empty balls.

Starting point is 00:23:49 Oh, because you want to be erected. You want to be like, hey, I'm going to keep it full for two weeks. Yeah. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah. It's nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, right? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:23:58 Yeah. Okay. That's cool. It is cool. This is cool too. So one of the reasons why I am single is because I... What? Do you want to know what happened to the girl with five at once?

Starting point is 00:24:10 Oh, I thought we could... There's more. There's consequences. Oh, I'm sorry. Okay, so she later got knocked up by a fat miserable piece of shit and they have been going downhill together ever since, which is great revenge just seeing her get fat and depressed while I live my dream, traveling with my family and racing motorcycles.

Starting point is 00:24:28 Hope this helps. You got to reach back out to this person. I want to know how you learn of five at once. I mean... You have two in you and you have three in you. Five at once. I mean, I'm not even... I can't even fathom being that coordinated. Yeah

Starting point is 00:24:45 You're just bracing yourself on one end. You're doing something with your mouth and also your hands Here's the thing too. It's like if you're a guy you have been with the woman a while and you're super horny it's still like You still have to deal with the fact that there's four other guys there most guys will be like yeah, no And they're all grunting four other guys. They're most guys would be like, yeah, no. And they're all grunting and. And that's another thing. Well, I'm not gonna. And she is a spoiler alert.

Starting point is 00:25:13 If I bring up the people in this movie, they masturbate loudly. And I'm just wondering in real IRL, if people are masturbating this loudly. Yeah, because I if it's very quiet and quick for me. I don't I don't have a whole lot of leisure time. I'm not very performative either, is it? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:25:30 I'm not like. Yeah. Yeah. No. Like who is leisurely masturbating and then making sound and grunting and breathing heavy for so long. Most people are quiet. It's shameful.

Starting point is 00:25:41 It's disgusting. You just get in, you get out, you get on with your life. Yeah. I just don't see many people really taking the time Right. Mm-hmm. That's just me. I don't know. All right. No more spoilers. No, I'm sorry I know let's go back to the more important thing, which is this job This is the best reasons why I am single is because I'm a double soul shaman and ancient cultures I would have been the one that the quote unquote straight dudes would have gone through for healing, especially

Starting point is 00:26:09 sexual healing when their wives were on their periods. It's not that the women were dirty when they were menstruating, it's that they were too powerful for the alphas, stag dudes, the warrior dudes, they usually have many many wives and many many babies, to be around. So they would go to somebody like me for sexual healing and I would help them sharpen their masculine essence. And how do you do this? He's a twin soul, double soul shaman.

Starting point is 00:26:36 Now, because we are in the matrix, we are slowly breaking out of it. Most dudes are still, their psyches are still brainwashed. So much so by the matrix that the idea of them marrying a double soul shaman instead of a woman, it just goes right over their heads. Oh Jesus. Oh no, that's not me. Society, so fucked up.

Starting point is 00:26:55 But what I really want to share is in ancient cultures, the alpha dudes, if they didn't marry a woman and they married one of the double soul shamans that was considered like the highest honor Yeah, wait for the shaman or for the man the highest honor to oh for them for the guy I'm the regular guy married double if I married him. That's an honor for me. I'm like I'm with a double soul shaman You stupid bitch. Yeah, I can see that I get it horn I'm just saying that to marry a double soul shaman dude instead of a female Yeah, or in addition to a female in addition considered a very beautiful thing that was celebrated by the tribes in over 85% of the first nations tribes that I studied for example died in North America before the white people came and fucked everything up

Starting point is 00:27:42 Same with my druidic ancestors before the British fucked us up up in Scotland. Pretty wild. This guy we featured in before, you know. Yeah, we played him before. What's up, Yo-Yi So-Gi-In? Frank, who just taught a really juicy Enos workshop today and got a little bit into the prostate too.

Starting point is 00:28:00 He's the best. And that caused some freak-up to be secretive from my manhood. So a little bit of sperm tea tell. A little bit of testosterone, a little bit of spermadine, which is good for muscle growth. A little bit of nerve growth factor, which is really good for your brain and your nervous system. Can I say this though real quick? This guy's skin looks amazing. He looks amazing.

Starting point is 00:28:19 He really looks great. He looks so healthy. Whatever he's doing, you need to be doing. The glow, the tan, it's so smooth and he just has, he looks like he has great skin. Well you know what you need to do. Well yeah, I mean you gotta drink a pesto and you can come. What else came out, a little bit of vitamins, minerals, oxytocin, and bonding hormone, which lowers cortisol.

Starting point is 00:28:37 So not only am I getting the benefit of the urine therapy, which is powerful on its own, the Shibamboo I should call it, but I'm also getting the benefit of the sperm, the semen, tiny bit of semen that's been mixed in with my urine. Wow. That's very, very cool. That's like your turbo, your nitro cold brew. That's fucking good. Jesus. You gotta try this, Tom. Is this guy, I'm feeling he's... He goes, oh, that's fucking good. Jesus.

Starting point is 00:29:05 We gotta try this, Tom. Wow, yeah. Is this guy, I'm feeling he's. Wow, that's very, very good. He's gotta be in Austin. Where is he located? I don't know. We gotta bring him it.

Starting point is 00:29:16 I can be married to him and you. That's pretty cool. Well, he's a twin soul shaman. Now my question is, how do you find out you're a soul or is this just an article? So is it good for it? Lot of people claim that it is but there's no science I got a drink it or can I just rub it on my skin you have to drink it dummy god. I don't know I think both work Well, you the Google says both you could do either. Honestly, looking at him right here, if he was like, this is all due to piss, I'd be like,

Starting point is 00:29:49 that's a good sales pitch for that. It's got to be a filter though, right? It might be a filter and some makeup. I think it's some heavy filters. If he's doing that, it's really shameful because we're all sitting here learning about your piss and your jizz thinking it's going to make us look like you. Now you're throwing filters and makeup on this fucking crazy Yeah, bullshit. I just did an annual workshop and I fucking now I'm learning you're wearing goddamn makeup

Starting point is 00:30:14 Hmm God yeah, he looks great. He's a double soul shaman. Yeah, do you know it's so crazy? So like first of all, how does one even become a shaman? You know that I went to college with a guy? Great question, Christine. Just like a white guy and he's like, I'm a shaman now and he just went and became a shaman. And now he's a shaman. And you're like, what?

Starting point is 00:30:33 Like, I don't think that's not for you, bro. There's people who just like, I'm a medium. I'm, you know, I'm intuitive. I, yeah. And like, how do you qualify for that? They just say they are. Yeah. He's like, I'm just a fucking double soul shaman, bro. Yeah, how do you qualify for that? Just say they are. Yeah, he's like, I'm just a fucking double soul Sean and bro. Yeah, sure. Okay Super Bowl 58 is just around the corner and I'm teamed up with DraftKings Sportsbook an official partner of the NFL

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Starting point is 00:32:13 after issuance. See dkng.com slash football for eligibility and deposit restrictions terms and responsible gaming resources. Ah! It looks amazing. I got you brother. I got you. I'm holding you.

Starting point is 00:32:32 I got you. Bring your feet together. Oh no. I got you brother. I got you. That's it brother. That's the whole run. Oh my goodness.

Starting point is 00:32:40 It sounds like he's masturbating and salt burning. I got one more. I got one more. I got one more. I got one more. I got one more. I got one more run. Oh, oh, oh, my goodness. It sounds like he's masturbating in salt water. I got one more. It's good to come.

Starting point is 00:32:52 I don't know that I guess to leave it. I don't know. I don't think you can do that. He's got a problem. 30 more years of that pain. Slow down. Jesus. This poor man. He's got a prosthetic leg. It's got a magnet.

Starting point is 00:33:35 What did he say? Did he say like, I'm free of pain in Spanish? No, no. He said something about the bone. He's like, I can't walk. The fetal bone, I think, like stretches out the me do the busting. The stirrup all the way through here. The stirrup all the way through, I think. Like stretches out the bone, the whole bone. That first one though is insane, man. It's terrible. Like that is just. Ah!

Starting point is 00:34:00 I got you, brother. I got you. Is that relief? I don't know. I got you, brother. Oh my God. Is that relief? I don't know. I got you brother. Oh my god. That was terrible. Is that what that sounds like when you go to a chiropractor?

Starting point is 00:34:14 Yeah, or when you just... Oh, Sultburn! I wish they did this to Disney adults, don't you? Yeah, with like a fucking meat cleaver. this to Disney adults, don't you? Yeah, with like a fucking meat cleaver. Very divisive topic, apparently. Making fun of Disney adults. Yeah, they get really upset.

Starting point is 00:34:33 Yeah, they get so mad. We're like, yeah, but you're grown. What are you doing? Well, especially the one in Anaheim. Like there's no alcohol there, except if you go to California Adventure. Yeah, or Club 33, right? You can get.

Starting point is 00:34:44 You have to get invited in. I mean, there's nothing to do Adventure. Yeah. Or Club 33, right? You can get it. Yeah, you have to get invited in. Yeah. I mean, there's nothing to do for an adult. You want to do the fucking Peter Pan ride again? You want to go on Dumbo? You want to wait two hours to ride a 90 second Dumbo ride? I had the best time. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:35:00 But that was fun. But the Star Wars was good. You liked that a whole lot. That is a. That was cool. 18 minute Star Wars was good. You liked that a whole lot. That is a. That was a cool. 18 minute immersive experience. Immersive experience. It really is.

Starting point is 00:35:10 Yeah. 20 minute experience. I know. Yeah, it's good. Yeah. But that's not a 90 second ride, is my point. It's not a 90 second ride. That's for like, it's also.

Starting point is 00:35:19 Like conservatively, I would say that is $100 million thing that they built. I know. And it also feels like just that. Again, it feels like 40 years too late. Like, you guys, Star Wars was hot in like 80. Can we have stepped up the pacing on that? It's just, it's a franchise forever now. It's never gonna.

Starting point is 00:35:38 No, but it is like, it's like you're on set. Yes. They built a completely insane Like set for you to do and you they walk you through then they have trained What are like not the stormtroopers, but the people that are Like in uniform for that's for the dark side. I don't know fucking door They have trained people to do that and they're like they they berate the people that come in They're like, it's not that complicated stand on the orange mark. You should be able to do that and they're like they berate the people that come in they're like it's not that complicated Stand on the orange mark. You should be able to do that at least

Starting point is 00:36:09 Oh, that's good. And people are like what I'm like, so they're they're kind of abusive because they're supposed to be the bad guys No, that part that I actually was incredible. That was incredible. But Dumbo and the tea cups the tea Yeah, I mean that's for like a you know, yeah, you're eight-year-old like tea cups Yeah, but I love Peter Pan. Just reminds me of my childhood. Mm-hmm small worlds. I mean, you know That's pretty funny that naked guy got naked guy. Yeah, I wonder how he was hanging no one really talked about that Nobody talked about that. It's also it's not the place you want to be known for being in the small world, right? Oh, I guess being in the small world, right? Oh, it's true. I guess it is a small world after all.

Starting point is 00:36:48 Hey. Hey. Pea in my cereal. Pea under my eyelids. Yeah. Blow up my foreskin like a balloon. That's so weird. Shit on my chest.

Starting point is 00:36:58 No poor girl, dude. She's such a sweetheart. Poor girl. Yeah. Here you go. You'll kind of like this, I think. This is definitely up your alley. I know you're like this. 30 years of back pain. I don't think he resolved it for this guy. Oh my God, I think. I think he's made it worse. I think something horrible happened to that man. Yeah, he doesn't seem happier at the

Starting point is 00:37:18 end of the. He's not relieved. Yeah, he's like, dude. He's like, oh no, yeah. I'm a fat athlete and despite 15 years of experience and being a certified personal trainer, whenever I walk into a fitness space everyone assumes I'm a beginner. I'm a fat athlete. Of course I play in men's gear that doesn't accommodate my chest well because they don't make plus size women's sports gear. I'm a fat athlete, and I don't see bodies that look like mine represented in my industry,

Starting point is 00:37:54 as mainstream media. Oh, do better. I'm a fat athlete. I can never find a single in my size. It's either a men's or custom made. Either way, I can never find shit. I'm a fat athlete, so of course I'm always doing my sports in gear that doesn't fit me particularly well, or in gear that costs three to four times what my straight

Starting point is 00:38:15 size peers pay because I had to go custom. These are fat athlete problems, Tom. I'm always completely this marginalized community. Yep. Thank God we get to really know Pretty cool I'm a little bit of a fan of you. I'm a fan of you. Look, everybody, I mean, look, I've got huge tits. I've had to buy special bras my whole life. Yeah. He's got something.

Starting point is 00:38:52 No, I mean, I guess... You've got dad eyes. Yeah, I do have dad eyes. I think fat athletes deserve representation. Well, I feel like they are. They're already, like, on the Adidas website. Yeah. You see fatsoes in the athletic year.

Starting point is 00:39:06 Yeah. And they do care to. Yeah. They do. If I fucking walked into a gym though, and they were like, all right, your first session is with this trainer here. And they're in a tariff. Yeah, it's not happening.

Starting point is 00:39:20 Not happening. She's a trader. Certified trader. Get the fuck out of here. You're not working out enough. No. I'm definitely not taking your nutrition plans. Definitely not. I mean that's the whole point of hiring a trainer is that you're you're the illusion is you're gonna look like that. That's the illusion because they know what they're doing and they're gonna teach you to do what they're doing. Oh, yeah, I'll just follow what you do. Yeah, so that I look like you. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:39:44 No, this is fucking insane, man. Yeah, that's fucking insane. We're underrepresented. Like fat coaches you kind of grow to accept and I think it's upsetting too. If you ever had a fat coach on a team, you're like get the fuck, because they're like, you guys need to pick up the pace. You're like, fucking you need to do something. You need to pick up the pace. But a personal trainer is supposed to be somebody that lives by that, right? Like that, their whole thing is training and eating well.

Starting point is 00:40:11 Yeah, and hold on. If you're a fat, then you're not an athlete, correct? This is kind of a- Well, no, you can be a fat athlete. Well, you could be a sumo wrestler if you're a fat athlete. There's some offensive linemen, defensive linemen that are freak show athletes. But what is she?

Starting point is 00:40:28 She's a fat boxer. What is her fat ath storm, sport? I think she's saying that she probably likes, you know, some sports and she knows like what you need you need maybe the mechanics of things what you need to do But my thing would be like I don't feel like you're a practitioner like you're not doing it. I don't think so And she's probably gonna be like yes, I am I don't think so I mean look if you're working that hard when she want to be slender you know what I mean

Starting point is 00:41:02 You're putting in all that time and stuff. You're being Bias now very binary in my think. Yeah. Anyway. Whatever. Hate from Austin. We're taking a quick break. We'll see who we write back. I definitely hate from Austin.

Starting point is 00:41:19 Excuse me. Oh, God. Welcome back. And with us today for the first time on the program is a comedian you can get tickets at joderosa.com and check out his sandwich shop, Joey Roses. Joey Roses. Oh, in New York.

Starting point is 00:41:34 That's your shop. Yeah. What? Give it up for Joe Dorosso, everybody. Let him hear it. That's cool. He had a sandwich shop? Wait, you said that? Because I was reading it.

Starting point is 00:41:45 I was like, I thought it was like, check out his podcast, Sandwich Shop. Yeah, his special. You know what I mean? So I was like reading it like, No, no, no, no, I opened with Paul Italia. We opened a sandwich shop in a bar on the lower east side called Joey Roses.

Starting point is 00:41:56 That's right. Okay, I, sorry. That's really fun. I should have case-offed him before. It's fun, it's stressful, but it's fun. What kind of? But anyway, you can get, yeah, Joey Roses is talking about. There's some sandwiches over there. It's like East stressful, but it's fun. What kind of... But anyway, you can join us at the stockhouse. We're doing some sandwiches over there.

Starting point is 00:42:07 It's like East Coast. It's kind of based in the Philly stuff I grew up with. Okay. The Hoagie style. Yeah. Italian, Delhi, Italian, American. Delicious. Yeah, people like them.

Starting point is 00:42:17 We're lucky. People are enjoying it. So, it was a pandemic venture and still going. So, hey, all right. Well, when I go to New York, I got to check it out. I would hope so. Yeah, yeah. I didn't know about this.

Starting point is 00:42:29 Yeah, yeah, please come through. I feel out of the loop. It's okay, it's not like, you know, the hot goss. Hey, man, I think a comic having like a food spot is the move, I think it's the shit. It's very, it's very, I'm not, yes, I'm not, I'm not shitting on myself. It's very, it's very nice to do.

Starting point is 00:42:45 It's wild, because it's like, I can't believe we opened a place in New York and it's still open. Yeah. Um. And during the pandemic, you said. Yeah. So it's been a few years you've had. That's kind of your heart.

Starting point is 00:42:56 We started as a pop-up at the stand, the comedy club, the stand, because Paul owns that. And we started there. And we were doing a pop-up during the pandemic. When we first started, it was lockdown still. You could serve food, but you could have anybody eat in. It was like that. Period or whatever. So that's like when we started that. And then people liked it. And then when you could eat inside, people were coming in for the sandwiches. And then Paul, who also worked in real estate was like,

Starting point is 00:43:27 look man, if we wanna do a brick and mortar, now's the time, like we're not gonna get an opportunity like this. Because rates will be much better? Mm-hmm, yeah. You signed that long-term lease though, right? 52 year lease. That's nice.

Starting point is 00:43:39 We're in, we're in for good. And that's it, yeah. So here's your- Well, we'll get to the food, there's food things I wanna ask you. You jack dropped off a trans man. Is that what I heard? What did you jack off a trans man? I? Jacked a trans woman a trans woman. Yes. How was that? We have so many Fantastic, yeah, tell us everything. She didn't orgasm, but it was great. I enjoyed it. Yeah, what ask away

Starting point is 00:44:02 Trans woman so just because I'm a dummy. It's a woman. It's a man that became a woman the transition Somebody who was born male now is now a woman. Okay, and they had the unit with a penis still. Yes. Okay. Yes She's lovely her name is Nikki Fox. That's exciting. That's like yes. That's a professional name, right? I Assume that's not her. That's not your person. Yeah, that's a really good name. I never asked her, but. And this was at Skankfest. It was at Skankfest, yeah. So you, I heard secondhand story.

Starting point is 00:44:33 You guys are like, whatever, this person's like, I can suck my own dick. I need some help. She said if she was, okay, so Skank, it was the inaugural Legion of Skanks at Skankfest. It was the one, the episode that starts the whole festival. Yeah. And she said, they were doing a contest for, to get ring girls or something,

Starting point is 00:44:56 for fights they were doing or something. Right. And she was one of the five finalists and they said, what's your talent? She said, I could suck my own dick if it's erect. Because she's got quite a peace on her. Oh really? Quite a peace.

Starting point is 00:45:09 We were talking about pieces right before you got here. What kind of piece are we talking about? Piece. Like a solid, I don't know who to compare it to, but like a porn star piece. Really? Like a unit. Like a flaccid piece?

Starting point is 00:45:25 Like it was a flaccid? It shows and it grows. Wow. Wow. Wow. But that's exciting. I mean, that is the best you can get in this world. Shows and grows?

Starting point is 00:45:36 I know. Mine don't show. Mine grows enough. Mine grows like 4,000 percent. Yeah. Can we? Well, you know, remind me, I gotta tell you something. Okay. That's about our past, you and me.

Starting point is 00:45:51 Okay. I didn't jerk them off or anything. Scary, yeah. So. But I have to tell you this while I'm here. But it's for later. Okay. It's completely off subject.

Starting point is 00:46:00 Anyway. So wait, first of all, does it? Sorry, I sidetracked us. Sorry. Is it, you said Nikki? Nikki, yes. Does Nikki tell you what you're in for or is it all a surprise? Like, so, so this is what happened. So we're on stage and she says she can do this and she goes,

Starting point is 00:46:16 but I can only do if it's erect. And they said, well, okay, well, great. Like, how do we get you hard? Because there was all these hot girls on stage and she was like, and they were like, make out one of the girls or I forget what they said and she's like no that doesn't do it for me a guy will do it for me and she had DM'd me. Oh this is what I didn't know. There's the history.

Starting point is 00:46:35 Like a year prior. Just saying it. Just saying it. She basically said, Nikki I hope this isn't too much. She said she DM'd me and she said I want to suck your cock at Skankfest. Wow, it's meant to be. Yeah, this is like the universe is telling you to do this. So I was like, I didn't really respond.

Starting point is 00:46:53 Not because I was offended. I just didn't really know what to say. Yeah, you was like, okay. And I don't take compliments well. Sure. And so she, she said, so anyway, that was I guess in the ether. And we were on stage and she was kind of like making,

Starting point is 00:47:09 like flirting and we were like waving and she was flirting a little bit with me. So you know that you're recognizing her at least. Oh yeah, 100%. And then she was like, I need a guy to do it. And then I think everybody picked, if I remember correctly, people picked up on that. She was kind of looking and talking to me

Starting point is 00:47:23 or motioning to me. And Lewis or somebody was like, would you do it with Dorosa? And she's like, yeah. And he was like, okay, if Dorosa takes you off stage and you guys go into another room and will you fuck around? If he gets you hard, will you come back out here and do it? And she said, yeah. And I said, okay. I said, let me think for a second. Are hard, will you come back out here and do it? And she said, yeah. And I said, OK. I said, let me think for a second.

Starting point is 00:47:48 Are you are you drinking at this point? Are you like I was so fucking hung over? Yeah, I was up the night before. This is a true story. Yeah, I woke. I was woken up at 6 a.m. in the corner of a strip club by two Puerto Rican strippers who were two of the hottest women I've ever seen in my life

Starting point is 00:48:11 And they were like baby wake up. Let's go play and I went to an ATM and got money out and continued to hang out in the strip club till 7 a.m. I got back to my hotel at quarter to 8 I went to bed at 10 15 my phone right because I forgot to turn the ringer off and it woke me up and it was Alex the producer of Skankfest or Legion of Skanks and she goes can you please come do the 12 p.m. skanks and I was like well what am I gonna do be a fucking loser yeah like I'm in Vegas like oh no I like I party too late I got it's like I'm here it's the festival I'm gonna go so I got like I party too late. I got, it's like I'm here, it's the festival, I'm gonna go.

Starting point is 00:48:46 So I got my ass out of bed and I went and I had 11.45. I was like poor me a fucking whiskey because we're in the zone right now. I don't know why what it is about even stories of being sleep deprived emotionally affect me. Like I feel like there's nothing worse for me than not getting enough sleep. I hate it.

Starting point is 00:49:06 Nothing ruins my day more. Well, yeah, too little sleep is rough. Yeah. And too little sleep. And hungover is. With a bunch of fucking booze in your system, it's really rough. It's super rough.

Starting point is 00:49:16 So fast forward. I mean, you looked like, like, like affected when I said that. Like when I just described the 6 a.m. you looked like scared almost. Because like, yeah, to his point, like we have two children, we have two small boys. So like those sleepless nights

Starting point is 00:49:36 when your kids are up sick or just whatever, like it's so painful to me. Like I'm 47 years old, I'm done having those nights. You know, like I just read the cry in the middle of the night. Like I can't do them anymore. You were telling me last night I saw you. You go, I don't drink much and whatever. I remember, did I miss remembering?

Starting point is 00:49:53 You used to be like a guy that was down to have like 87 beers. Or am I just miss remembering that? Yeah, yeah, no, never. No? No, I mean, I've had, I've obviously had nights where I've drank too much and hung over and sure, but I was never a big drinker. Really? Mm-mm.

Starting point is 00:50:09 Oh, I didn't know that. No, I remember, I think it was with you, and I'd only, I'd had a few, but nothing crazy in Montreal. That's the story I'm gonna tell you. Oh. There was a Montreal, dude, this is so funny. Canane. No, no. Well, no, Canane was, do you remember the night, wait, were you with us when we went to a p funny. Canane. No, no. Well, no, canane was.

Starting point is 00:50:25 Do you remember the night? Wait, were you with us when we went in a poutine with canane? That's so good. I remember walking out of McDonald's. Oh, when I stole his. When I stole Kurt's glasses. No, what I remember, I thought I'm trying to mix. Maybe I'm mixing up details.

Starting point is 00:50:41 It was either you or canane had your like just just got your McDonald's, your hot McDonald's. And one of you, two of you knocked it out in the other one's hands. And I was like. It was me, Kurt and Canane. Yeah. And Kurt Braunholer knocked my McDonald's out of my hands. Okay, there he is.

Starting point is 00:50:57 Okay, I was like. Which I deserved, because I've done that so many times to people. Really? Yeah, that's a big New York comedy joke. Like knock the thing out of your hand. Fuck, I'd be so many times. The people. Really? Yeah, that's a big New York comedy joke. Like knock the thing out of your hand. I'd be so bummed. Oh, it sucks.

Starting point is 00:51:09 But it's really funny. Yeah. And he knocked my McDonald's to the ground. Fuck. And then I believe jumped up and landed on it with his feet, like to make it like you're not eating this. Dick dude. It took a while to get it.

Starting point is 00:51:22 So I grabbed his glasses off his face and ran away to the hotel. And he called me drunk like in a panic, like please I can't see anything, I need my glasses. But that's not the story. That's not the story. No, the story is, it wasn't that Montreal, it was a different one.

Starting point is 00:51:43 There was a Montreal where you were there, but you weren't performing you were just there hanging out in Montreal Yes at the festival you went up. It was the year of my short movie remember me and Bobby Kelly and bill bird to cheat What what short film do you remember the year cuz I can kind of like that was like one of the earliest years I was ever there so it was early. It was early for both of us. And you were there, you were there, and you were just kind of hanging out. Okay. Like, just hanging out. That seems weird to me, but okay. Am I misremembering this too?

Starting point is 00:52:15 He's not a big hanger outer. I mean, I can't see myself going to Montreal to hang out. Did you go, you never went to Montreal just to spend time at the festival? No. definitely not. Oh boy, tell me that tell me your thing so I can at least this is how I remember it. OK, was you were there just hanging out and you said, hey, I went to see cheat. Well, if you've never seen the movie, then then it's definitely not you.

Starting point is 00:52:36 It's definitely me. It's a different. Oh, I got a different fucking person. Yeah. Is another fat guy with a beard probably whoever it was. I remember thinking to myself, this is what would have made it a great story. This poor bastard is up here just hanging out. I hope things work out for this guy. Aw.

Starting point is 00:52:52 And I thought it was you, and I was like, how amazing is it that that happened at that point in time? And now you're on top of the fucking world. I was like, that's so incredible, and it's not you. So now the story means absolutely nothing. I would really love to know who it happened to. I thought it was you. Who is it?

Starting point is 00:53:11 No, some guy with a beard likes to drink a lot. Kyle Kinane? No, it wasn't Kinane. Was it Kinane? It was, who was another? Matt Broncker? Broncker with a beard? What's the movie about?

Starting point is 00:53:25 What's Cheat? Oh boy. Me and Bobby Kelly and Bill Burr wrote a movie. A short film that I directed. It was called Cheat. It was a comedy. I remember this. It's like a heist. The joke, the gag of the movie is it's a guy trying to cheat on his girlfriend while

Starting point is 00:53:41 she's out of town for like a 12 hour window. And he has to bring the girl to his house and he has all these obstacles to get through because he's got a nosy doorman and blah, blah, blah. He's got to get her out by a certain time. Okay. His girlfriend comes back early, like, and it's like a heist movie. Okay. But it's him trying to pull off a cheat.

Starting point is 00:53:59 Yeah. I mean, it's a car. You don't remember the actual year. No, God, no. It 2008 maybe? I mean, it's a while ago. I was like your first. Now, 07 was my first one. And then I think I went back in 09 and maybe 12.

Starting point is 00:54:13 2015 we went together. It's not you. I remember 2012 was the first time I met you. Oh. Yes. Yeah, because I remember. I remember you had just posted or something that you got married

Starting point is 00:54:27 or were about to get married or engaged, whatever. You guys were walking through the lobby that air. And when, when? Like 20, probably 12. It was like, I don't think it was 15. It might have been 15, I don't think it was. But it was like when, you know, that area, when you get off the elevator,

Starting point is 00:54:44 where all the transports pick you up. Yeah. You were walking out and I was walking in. And I met you for the first time. I'm like, oh, that's that's that. All right. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:54:53 I've seen her in the pictures. Yeah. Yeah. Wait, back to the transvestite lady, though. Trans, trans woman. Trans woman. Yes. Yeah, sorry.

Starting point is 00:55:02 That's okay. What do we... Am I gonna get attacked for being too woke? And then I... Wait, what does transvestite mean? Yeah, why. That's okay. What do we have I got to get attacked for being too woke? Hey, what is transvestite mean? Yeah, why do you change? A man that wears women's clothing. Yeah, that's clearly not accurate. But also I think I don't know a lot about this, but I think transvestite also could mean like I Don't think they identify as a woman in any way. I think that's totally wrong. The transvestites across like they dress. Yeah Yeah, so it's a straight guy. Yeah, transsexual. Sorry sorry. Okay, so wait a minute. I'm not offended. You get called no. Yeah, so then they're like, all right, well you go back into this room and you're like,

Starting point is 00:55:33 you know, I'm thinking about it. I have to gather myself. So they, so okay, so they said, they said, you're gonna go off stage and I was like look We're not first I said can we bring another girl and do like a three and she was like no I'm not into chicks and I was like all right. Okay, so I said, okay Let's let's do it. I go, but we're gonna walk out of here We have to be in another room because at first I like go behind this curtain. I was like are you crazy? I'm like, I'm not doing this on the air. Yeah. And so we found like a private room, very much off camera and that was that. We just, you know, hooked up.

Starting point is 00:56:12 You hooked up. Yes. And then did this person perform their trick for everybody? Oh yeah. No, because I got, I gave her a hand. And she got erect. She gave me a blow job. That's awesome. And a hand job.

Starting point is 00:56:32 And I, a hundred percent, I don't know. Yeah. A hundred percent. Yeah. But she didn't. So I got her and she was like, she's like, dude, we're so far from the stage. She goes, I don't know if this is gonna stay up.

Starting point is 00:56:44 And we tried. We really tried to make a run for it, but they were like, somebody was knocking on the door like, dude, you guys have to come back, you can't be up here any longer, like we have to end the show. There were a lot of factors. And then she lost it. She lost it, but we did our best

Starting point is 00:56:59 and all parties were happy. But again, hefty piece on this. Hefty, dude. That's this. Hefty, dude. That's exciting. Hefty. Yeah, yeah. Like the one we looked at in Montreal. Yeah, of course.

Starting point is 00:57:10 Yeah, they were staring at cocks. I remember. Yep. Yeah. I can't believe my Montreal story's wrong. I was so excited to tell that story. Like, look how far my little babies come. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:57:22 Yeah. Oh, man. Different bearded guy. Yeah. Isn't me. Who the fuck was it? I don't know, but I'm really curious. I know, I know, I got to know.

Starting point is 00:57:30 Maybe it was. Maybe. It's been a big crusher. Except she wouldn't have gone either. No, no, it was somebody. To hang. Oh, I can't even remember. Speaking of Bert.

Starting point is 00:57:39 Anyway, go ahead, yeah. You were there, because it was like a whole drama that we had, I had Ariane and he brought this up and then Bert called in and then he commented on it. And then we had Joe Liston here and he commented on it. You were actually at that. I was with Bert when the shit went down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So how accurate do you hear there? 100% accurate.

Starting point is 00:58:02 From whose perspective? From both of theirs. Oh, so they're both right in their own. From what I know about how Bert tells the story and how Joe tells the story. Yeah, both are 100% right. And they're just telling it from these other perspectives. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's like a fucking Scorsese movie.

Starting point is 00:58:20 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like with competing story life. But like the I was with Bert, we went to that sushi place and he bought like, or it was a Thai place that also had sushi and he bought everybody food. Yeah, yeah. It was like 11 dudes or something. That sounds like it sounds like a lot. It was a lot, you know, it was for fucking takeout, it was expensive. It was like 300 and 400 bucks or something. Yeah. And I remember we were inside. Bert and I weren't in such a good mood because we were already buzzed.

Starting point is 00:58:52 We were drinking. Like we were feeling good. I showed up as a surprise. I told them I wasn't coming to the bachelor party and then I showed up with a tray of shots at a bar, like I'm pretended to be the waiter. And like it was like I was riding. It was like, I was riding, I was walking on fucking air. We were feeling so good.

Starting point is 00:59:10 And Bert and I were in that sushi place when we were waiting for the food and we were so hungry and they were like, do you want some sushi while you wait? And I remember we got a spicy tuna roll. And we were like, this is the best fucking spicy tuna roll I've ever had in my life. It really was, it was amazing. It was amazing.

Starting point is 00:59:27 And we couldn't stop talking about the spicy tuna roll. And Burt was being like, dude, fuck it, whatever happens on this trip, we had that fucking spicy tuna roll. That was the best thing ever. You know what I mean? Like, we were so enamored by this thing. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:59:42 And then we went outside and left us in his car. He was just starting yelling at us. He's like, fucking sit down here. He's fucking doing his Larry David squints. Yeah. As he's sitting there, he's going, fucking sit down here, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I was like, uh-oh.

Starting point is 01:00:00 And then I heard Bert go, I just don't appreciate being spoken to that way after I buy everybody $400 worth of takeout.out and I was like, oh boy. This is this isn't gonna And did you know did you know that Joe's gonna be like I don't even eat that shit Did you because Joe has specific eating habits? I already knew yeah, cuz we had Joe on Taste buds and I already knew Joe only eats like three things Because he likes like chicken fingers, right? And like Joe eats, yeah, like a movie theater food.

Starting point is 01:00:28 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, like pretzel buns. Toddlers. Yeah. Yeah. That's so funny, dude. And I was just like, and Joe, but then, but the reason I'm saying they're both accurate is because from Joe's side, Joe came down to pick us up. Right.

Starting point is 01:00:46 And he's picking up two guys that are getting food that he's not even interested in. Yeah, yeah. And he's the only sober guy in the house. So he's the only guy able to drive to come get us. So he felt like, it was like, hey sober guy, go do this for us. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 01:01:04 And then he's sitting out there. Like he's a cab's a cab yeah exactly and then me and Bert aren't coming out how long we do come out we're glee gleefully like we wasted your time but you should have had this spicy to do it all yeah you know so that's that's I think I think it's fair okay so they but they both told their their truth yes one of them had their own truth. And then they went outside on the balcony to talk it out. And they were out there and it was like it was like being in a zoo and watching. Yeah, because we couldn't hear what they were saying,

Starting point is 01:01:36 but you could just see the energy. Yeah. You could see that it was not animated aggression. Not a I don't know if it looked like a fight. It just didn't look like they were having a pleasant talk. Sure. So. But they worked it out. They did.

Starting point is 01:01:50 It was fine. They worked it out. They came inside being like, all right, dude, cool. I'm sorry too. I'm sorry too. And that was it. Like that was the end of it. So really the real end story to all this

Starting point is 01:02:00 is that Ari is a fucking shitter. Because he had to bring it up. and he had to keep bringing it up but he was like Bert really fucking got upset. He's such a little fucking shit. He's such... It's just... We just had to cut a thing out of taste buds. Really? Yeah, because he was on the show with me and I You on fucking on fucking camera. I Have to use co-hosting with me

Starting point is 01:02:31 He filled in for south and I go to I go dude. I have to pee so bad. I can't hold it anymore So I'm gonna leave the room you take the steering wheel and I stand up and I go Please dude don't do anything fucked up while I'm gone. Please just don't do anything fucked up. I'm like, which I hate. I can see this coming already. It's giving me anxiety. See, which, but by the way, when I know him, yeah, when you say that, that means yeah, that's it.

Starting point is 01:02:56 You can't do anything fucked up. Not because, oh, it's a rule. It's because I'm already beating you to the punch of knowing you're going to do something fucked up so that it doesn't count now. So just don't do it. You know what I mean? It's like when somebody's like, oh, it's fucking with you. And you go, remember when I said immediately you're fucking with me?

Starting point is 01:03:12 Yeah, yeah. And you just kept doing it to the point of exhaustion. So anyway, what do they do? Well, at the time, I thought nothing. Right. You watched it back later. Well, the night before the episode came out, Mike Lavin, Homeless Pimp, who was, at the time, was our producer, sent us a clip and he goes, hey guys, I just want to know if

Starting point is 01:03:37 you approve this or not, or you want me to cut it out of the show. It's Ari's asshole. Yeah, I go, exactly. That's dick or his ass. Well, I go, what? He goes, Ari got kind of wild. I go what? I forgot we had recorded the episode like six weeks prior to that or whatever. And he sends the clip of me going please don't do anything. I leave. Ari takes down his pants full bare asshole, bare asshole. not just sits in my chair

Starting point is 01:04:05 Not just rubs his butt on my chair like vigorously grinds his Asshole his is it protruded to is it like you know it like it's a prolapsed He didn't show he didn't turn to the he didn't face camera. I've seen it hang out. It's fucking disgusting. It's really horrifying Yeah, which so for anybody listening or watching that doesn't know, Ari's got a legendary, like, disgusting.

Starting point is 01:04:30 Years. Yeah, look up. You can Google Jew clam. It's so gross. Yeah, it's it's prolapsed. Yeah. Why is it so for? Is it the hemorrhoids? He's had over the years. Yeah. So he.

Starting point is 01:04:41 over the years, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he, uh. No. No. That's easier. That's easier. Are you sure?

Starting point is 01:04:48 Oh, Jesus Christ, yeah. So it's rough. Yeah. He rubs it all over the chair. God damn. And then of course I come back in and sit in the chair. And I was like, cut that out of the fucking show.

Starting point is 01:05:02 That's not going out. I was like, no, that's not going out. Yeah, I mean, how did I know? You knew exactly what was gonna happen. So anyway, yes, the end all be all of the Burke, Christ, or Joe list story is Ari has to stir up the shit. He stirs it up. No matter what.

Starting point is 01:05:16 He loves to stir it up. He's like, he is like a toddler where you're like, don't do this. And he's like, okay. That's a dare. It's like a dare, yeah. He's always been like that. I mean, he's always. Yeah, that's true. It's a dare. It's like a dare. Yeah, he's always been like that I mean, that's very consistent. I remember him getting remember when he got banned from the Irvine improv for showing his painter

Starting point is 01:05:30 Yeah, it took his dick out and just like stood there. Yeah My favorite come back to say to Ari when he makes fun of something like what I'll be like that's stupid or your friend sucks Or yeah, he will say that he says that's all your friends are shitty like this one's less shit yeah and I'll go well I get it dude they're not quite as nuanced as saying Kobe Bryant is a deserve to die but you know dude we're all kind of different and he's usually like, all right, fair enough. Fair enough. Fair enough. Fair enough. Is he in, is he in Judoor titties?

Starting point is 01:06:10 Is what? Is he in New York? Is he in New York? We call it Judoor titties on the show. Judoor titties? We have names for all the cities. Judoor titties. Judoor titties, Minneapolis, Tits.

Starting point is 01:06:21 What else? Fart Lauderdale. Fart Lauderdale. Yeah. Portland, Oregon.an, Horrigan. Stupid thing we do. I enjoy it. You guys have photo wrapped here. It's real fun.

Starting point is 01:06:31 You know? He does live in Judoark, too. He does. He does. He lives right near me. We became very close during lockdown. Well, that's good. Yes.

Starting point is 01:06:39 So you have a pod you do with Sal. Yeah. And you guys have food takes. Oh, Sal. And I just became informed of a couple of yours that I'm curious about. One is that when you did first date with Lauren, did you guys get into it about tacos? Taco kits. This would be your last meal.

Starting point is 01:07:02 Taco kits. I said one of my last meal picks is a taco kit. I go, I love, it's one of my favorite foods in there. She didn't know what taco kits were. Thought I'd made them up. I'd actually never heard. Am I lying? Yeah, I've never heard of it.

Starting point is 01:07:16 I've never heard someone say. I was bought on. Do you mean that you buy it in the store as a fully made kit in New York? No, I'm serious. I've never heard it either. I've never heard it either. That's sacrilegeous.

Starting point is 01:07:24 Wait, stop it! Oh my God! Oh, stop it! We have Mexicans in LA that make real Mexican food, dude. I've never heard taco kits before. I've never heard taco kits on the West Coast. That's considered sacrilege, bro. I swear I've never heard it. I would not hear about it.

Starting point is 01:07:32 I never heard it! Sorry, I mean. I'm going to get it a taco kit. Sorry, I got it. I've never heard that before. That's East Coast, bro. No, no, no, no. It's got to be.

Starting point is 01:07:40 I lived in LA for six years. I ate taco kits while I was there. What? I also ate traditional Mexican tacos. Taco kit is Tex-Mex. Okay. I've never heard it before.. It's got to be. I lived in LA for six years. I ate taco kits while I was there. What is a taco? I also ate traditional Mexican tacos. Taco kit is Tex-Mex.

Starting point is 01:07:49 OK. What is a taco? What is taco kit? Yeah. It's you go down the International Food's aisle and they have they have like the older Tega Taco Bell mix on old El Paso or sorry, or Tega, old El Paso and Taco Bell or your top three.

Starting point is 01:08:02 OK. Or Tega and El Paso really. But is kit supposed to reference getting all these different? The Kit is a box. In that box is 12 shells. Yeah, right? They have different kinds of kits,

Starting point is 01:08:13 but the traditional Kit is 12 shells, a packet of seasoning for the meat, and then the packet of sauce. I don't use the sauce, I use my own hot sauce. Okay. Obviously the seasoning is for- Does this say Kit on the box? Is that why it's, or is this just like a slang thing?

Starting point is 01:08:24 I think it's a Kit. Well, you look at it, it's like a product you buy. Okay, because I thought the season is this a kid on the box is that why it's or is this just like a slang thing I think it's me look at it. It's like a product you buy okay Cuz I thought you meant you buy everything kind of separately and then you make it a taco kit. Okay. Oh shit I never heard that before now Lauren's argument was a kid would insinuate That it has the meat and the cheese the lettuce and tomatoes. Oh, I has everything you need. Which she said that somewhere, and then Seamus, esoteric, our boy, sent me a screencap for that. Because he was at disbelief that she also was so infuriating to talk with kids.

Starting point is 01:08:56 Yeah, I'm totally infuriating. And I said, they're no lunchables. They don't have everything inside of it. Also, you could have. You buy a cake kit. You have to buy a few other things, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so.

Starting point is 01:09:07 You see, I would have hoped it would be everything. Now, here's the thing. That's my hope. You're a taco kit choice. I mean, I'm down. I love to get making the shells and the meat. Yeah, we do that. It's great.

Starting point is 01:09:19 So you do it. Yeah. Yeah, I didn't know. I thought you meant that you buy everything on a cart and then you just put it together on your you know counter and you put the tacos together but the taco kid implies it's a single product you can buy all the shit I'm saying you go and you buy that yeah you bought that thing of the shells yeah yeah but now with the sauce and now with the other shit just the shells

Starting point is 01:09:38 bro well you can buy they started doing that late sorry Sorry. Am I too intense about that? No, no, no, no, this is good, this is good. This is hot topic. I don't mean to sound like I'm talking down. I'm not talking down. I'm lifting up. Ah! I just never, maybe I- Shut up and open with this instead of the Montreal story.

Starting point is 01:09:56 But maybe I didn't see it. I don't read it, I just see shells, I buy the shells. But now I gotta fucking- You can buy the shells separately from the seasoning. Oh, yeah, I gotta fucking you can buy the shells separately from the seasoning, which I do now East Coast was late to the game on that East Coast was was like really for a while it was the kit and that's why I didn't know what good taco sauce was because or even good hot sauce I mean because I would just had that shit that came in the kit and then when I started to learn about

Starting point is 01:10:22 different hot sauces and I was like I actually like this better. What do you like? What's your sauce? What's your hot sauce? What is it? Cholula? Oh this slaps. Which one? Is the original or they make like ten? Yeah the original. I fox with the original and then sometimes I get a green. Green's my go-to. I like the green little too vinegary for me. Yeah but I like it. You know Cholula makes taco seasoning now. What? Yeah they're new to the game but they're making seasoning. I like I'm gonna purchase that. I do like the Taco Bell seasoning. It's great. That's really good. Yeah. The Taco Bell seasoning. Crushes. Could be the champion seasoning because when you take that flavoring and put it on actual quality meat like

Starting point is 01:10:59 some grass fed ground beef, you're like holy shit. Yeah. You know? Yeah, so good. It's like making a Big Mac yourself with real ingredients. You're like, oh my God. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you know, so not that I don't love Big Macs or Taco Bell, but. Do you use frequent Taco Bell? I don't frequent fast food at all anymore

Starting point is 01:11:18 because I just had to, I had to start sort of getting my shit together. We talked about this. We talked about this other ship Yeah, so I started doing testosterone How you feeling I feel great good and it tightened my body up. I don't work out yet. I've lost some weight Good, I eat less. Are you better good, but I'm getting some see I got some pimples here And I think is that is is that a result of testosterone? I mean, how kind of dosage are you on? I do the inject three days a week.

Starting point is 01:11:48 How much do you inject? How many CCs you put, pump in there? 25, 25. Yeah, no, you should be... Or 0.25. Whatever 25 is only 25. Yeah, yeah, 25 units. Could be food related.

Starting point is 01:11:58 Sometimes food, if you're eating tomato based, because I used to get this too. It's like a rosacea or an eczema. I eat a lot of tomato food. A lot. I can aggravate this too. It's like a rosacea or an eczema. I eat a lot of tomato food. I can aggravate this around your mouth. I'm also constantly dehydrated. Oh, that's so good. I don't drink enough water.

Starting point is 01:12:13 Well, that could really be a thing. You just go to Derm, get a little creamy on there, and clear it up. Yeah, get the cream. I'm back on the proactive. It's working. Oh, for acne? Is that what that is?

Starting point is 01:12:23 I just, what's that? That may not be acne though. Oh, it's definitely, it's zits. It's acne. Oh, okay. It's working. Oh, for Acne? Is that what that is? I just, what's that? That may not be Acne though. It's definitely, it's Zits. It's Acne. Oh, okay. It's Zits. Okay. Ladies. But you're feeling much better.

Starting point is 01:12:31 You're feeling better. Oh, the testosterone is no joke. Yeah. I say, I go to, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, And I go, yeah. And he goes, it's not even there. He's on it, right? Isn't he on it? Or no? Am I wrong? I don't know. Now I'm like, shit, should I not have said that? I'm very paranoid. Why? Because with it, not because of your podcast. Just with podcasts in general, I feel like we're all on them all the time.

Starting point is 01:13:09 And we're all, I'm losing sight of the lines of private conversations, which is what was said on air, which wasn't what maybe don't, you want me to repeat publicly, but I don't know. But isn't there also a very hard, where like, you know, I mean, most of the time, every time that I've had either people on or been on someone's, they always are just like, hey, if you want me to cut that out or, you know,

Starting point is 01:13:31 it's like a conversation you have. Let me rephrase. Then I'm more paranoid now about talking when the person is in present. Oh, I hear you. Because I'm like, oh, shit, should I not have said that? I don't know. I found that weirdly, especially as we all

Starting point is 01:13:46 continue to become more successful as we get older and have more at stake in our private lives and things to take care of and things to protect, I'm always sort of surprised sometimes at what certain people I know are like, no, no, no, that's my no, no. I don't go for that. And for that you're like oh I would have thought that you wouldn't give a fuck about that you know what I mean so I

Starting point is 01:14:10 don't know that's why when I say paranoid okay so taco kit is your primary and then let's go to dessert what's your death row dessert do you do dessert some people don't like sweets which I find hard to believe. Death Row dessert I would do I would eat a whole I would eat a whole Entomans raspberry what's that called? Entomans. What's the raspberry one called? I know what you're talking about it's like the sugary shit the glaze and then the raspberry filling. The raspberry twist yeah the, the one that's like the, it's like the... Oh, that's good. They're flagship item.

Starting point is 01:14:47 This is your death row one? That's one of them. Okay. Raspberry Danish twist. And then full... You're a latchkey kid, huh? Oh yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:14:57 This is total... Are you? Yeah, I have like garbage food preferences as well. Do you eat a lot of Italian food? Could you say that less racist? No, I'm kidding. Is that DeRosa's from Italy? Yep. You eat a lot of Italian food? Could you say that less racist? DeRosa's from Italy. Yeah, but I'm adopted. I'm not by blood Italian. I'm Arab. You're Arab? Yeah, mostly Egyptian. I can see it now.

Starting point is 01:15:47 But you guys pass for Italian. I know I passed for white. I passed for all the I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I are you a fan of Middle Eastern food? Yeah, I like it. I like it. There's very few foods that I'm like, pass. Right. But yeah, I like Middle Eastern food. You'll go for, like you'll try everything. Are you adventurous as an eater? Fairly, fairly, unless it's,

Starting point is 01:16:03 I wish I was a little more adventurous. What do you like shut down? What do you go like? Uh-uh? I was in China and I couldn't fuck with the smelly shit Like that doesn't seem like that's that crazy like stinky tofu this that I couldn't do I couldn't do the stink fruit That no, that's horrible though. I think even Asians aren't into that. I just want it to like I Wish if you said to me like, this is, what was that show where the guy would travel and eat like the wildest, like the wildest. Oh, that was Zimmerman. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:16:35 That was Andrew Zimmerman. That was a rip off of Bourdain would eat the weird thing. No, but he was more like I'm getting to know the bizarre foods. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. That Bourdain would do the anomaly, like, oh gosh, okay, I guess I'll try these crickets because I'm being respectful of this tribe in New Guinea.

Starting point is 01:16:50 And then Zimmerman's whole thing was, I'm gonna eat all weird shit. It was so weird. So my friend Paul Chell, who's in my band with me, saw it's a windfall. In a fucking band? I got a band. Actually, we might be doing a show here

Starting point is 01:17:04 in a, we might be doing a show in Austin Wait, do you actually trying to see if you see me play an instrument you do everything? Paul and I write everything and uh, I do the primary vocals and he plays guitars and I do a lot of the drum programming and And uh, it's it's like it's a chew. It's it's fun. It's like odd pop Yeah, that's anyway We might come back in the in the early spring to do a show in in Austin if anybody's interested you can go to my website and whatever awesome anyway and let us know but anyway he is a chef in New Orleans and he was like when he there's a fish that they bury in the ground in

Starting point is 01:17:42 parts of Asia yes yes and I was like they in the ground in parts of Asia. Yes. Yes. And I was like- They also do this in some of the native communities where they bury it. Yeah. Inuit communities will do that too. But he wouldn't, he was like, I drew the line. I can't. He goes, I just couldn't do it.

Starting point is 01:17:56 It was too much. When we were in Iceland, they were like, hey, well, if you want to have like a real authentic experience, we have this like whatever, seal buried or something and they're like, you're gonna throw up. I was like, no, pass. I don't wanna go do that. They said you're gonna throw up. They told us how it's gonna be foul,

Starting point is 01:18:16 but they're like, this is a genuine, I was like, no, dude, no. Did you go, did you at least go to the meal? Like did you go to where the seal was and go, I'm not gonna eat it? No, no, no, this was like a call ahead of time where like they called like an agent or a tour manager and then relayed the message.

Starting point is 01:18:34 This would be an authentic, I was like, we can skip that. I got you. Yeah. I got you. But I generally, like I try to go try everything, but if you're getting like a heads up on like, you'll probably think this is gross. Then I'm like, I don't need to do that. I wish I was the one place I really wish I was more adventurous. The gross stuff I can

Starting point is 01:18:51 live without. Hot food, something that's too like hot ones. I honestly don't even know if I could do it. If I ever got it. Are you super sensitive? I just can't. The the it's the side effects of hot food where I'm like, I just don't. It just it's not as it's not it's not as crazy as you think. It's not even that it's the part where I feel like I would feel like I was on a bad drug trip and I don't I don't want that. Like yeah. Yes. Exactly. The thing about that

Starting point is 01:19:21 though on that show because I've done the show, your experience with eating hot foods is usually if you're having a hot meal, you don't realize how many bites of hot, like if you ever had like a thing where you're like, you have to, you keep eating it, right? And it, that's kind of what makes it so crazy. The thing about hot ones is, yeah, you have like a crazy bite and you're like,

Starting point is 01:19:43 holy shit, but that's it. Like it's the first seven are pretty mild. Yeah. But what's your tolerance as you're saying this? It's I don't have a crazy high tolerance. He's very bland. He's very bland. He's very beige. I'm not. I don't have a crazy flavor. No spice, no flavors. No, that's not true. That's not true.

Starting point is 01:19:59 It's my flavor. I like Korean food, I make my own Korean soups at home and he won't even with it. She's like every fucking broth that talks out of the side of her mouth. She doesn't know what she's saying. I enjoy spice. I just don't like the sum of the bullshit she makes. But like.

Starting point is 01:20:20 You guys just discovering this about one another? Yeah, I mean, I put spice and sauce and shit all the time. I'm just not eating her fucking bullshit. So... Oh, Korean food, one of the greatest cuisines. No, I'm not eating the white... I'm not eating Gua Lo's fucking Korean food. I eat Korean people's Korean food.

Starting point is 01:20:37 Can I ask, I want to ask our friend here, what's... Because you do have extremely latchkey kid tastes, as do I. Like, I love Kraft macaroni and cheese, that's all I would feed our kids. I wouldn't even, I don't even, they don't even know what real mac and cheese taste like, real meaning with like real cheese. I love shaky cheese Parmesan, you know, to Kraft.

Starting point is 01:20:56 I like it too, I, not anymore, but yeah. Why, what happened? I grade it myself now. Yeah, the real dear of fucking grown up. Yeah, but and Mac But but but I'm not I'm not knocking what you're saying. I used to love Mac and cheese You know I've grown like this like all Mac and cheese. She's like a many form She's like a junkyard dog like she doesn't eat like a like a person. Oh my god

Starting point is 01:21:16 You know my favorite is now is cream of wheat Gross I eat it. I've been eating it for a month every night. Because it's just bland and like, I don't know. It's just typical of cracker food. Just some milk, yeah, sugar. So anyway, I'm not a big soup guy, you know? I mean, if it's the dead of winter and you're like, you know, it's prepared, sure, but like she's always having soups, which is fucking gay. I like.

Starting point is 01:21:45 Yeah, it's gay. It's almost actual.. Yeah soups are gay, but dumplings are fucking delicious Yeah, yeah, they're good. Oh, what's what you said you another lady? What's that? She's like a old gay lady You said you had other Food pics that you wanted to challenge. Oh, there's one that I just heard. No, the one I just heard, I was like, this is fucking insane. This is why I'm dehydrated. My lips, I can feel how dry they are.

Starting point is 01:22:11 You got to drink for a minute. I've drank a second. I haven't even sipped this one. Sipping. I hate drinking water. Then you're indoors. Why don't you put like liquid IV in water? It gives it flavor, more hydrate.

Starting point is 01:22:23 Why don't you just do that? I have, and then what I start doing is is I start putting liquid IV in every water. It gives it flavor, more hydrate. Why don't you just do that? I have, and then what I start doing is I start putting liquid IV in every water, and now I'm drinking, it's like you just drank a bottle of soda basically, because it does have some sugar in it. Get the sugar-free one. We have it here, I'll give it to you.

Starting point is 01:22:36 Yeah, that's all right. So I heard that Rob Eiler and you had it out about Shake Shack and Burger King. Shake Shack versus Burger King, and you were on the side of... Burger King. Sweet, that is insane. That's crazy talk.

Starting point is 01:22:48 Wait, you don't get... I thought you'd be with me on this. I mean, the junkyard dog in me likes the fakeness, but the meat is not as good at BK. Honestly, the meat has always been a deterrent for me. Do you not like a Shake Shack burger? No, I like a Shake Shack burger. But you think a burger King...

Starting point is 01:23:01 I'll lay out exactly what my... But you think a Burger King burger is superior laying out exactly what my. But you're thinking a Burger King burger is superior. Well this is what I will say. First of all you didn't even have Shake Shack growing up. No. In Cali. I had on the road like Indianapolis yes we've done it. This is what I said to Rob and this is what I said to Sal when we battled McDonald's versus

Starting point is 01:23:20 Wendy's. I was like if we're going to talk fast and I was McDonald's I go if you were going to talk fast food don't bring some shit in my face that I can make at home. I can make a Wendy's I can make a burger at home that tastes like Wendy's. I like Wendy's. I fucks with Wendy's. I like shake shack. But you feel like you can make it at home. You can make a Shake Shack burger in all order. Something that tastes like a Shake Shack burger. You get a Whopper from, and that was my other argument. I go, dude, there's like three Titans maybe.

Starting point is 01:23:58 Big Mac, Whopper. Hold on. Baconator maybe? I don't even know what the third one was. I'll say this. The Western-making cheeseburger from Carl's Jr. is, I think, one of the greatest. It's not banging on an international level the way the Whopper and the Big Mac are. Wow.

Starting point is 01:24:12 You know what I mean? Like, but I'm saying, it hasn't footed itself yet. Yeah, of course not. I'm telling you. I love that thing. Dude, you can, it's cheese. I love it too. She has the same, like a homeless person has the same.

Starting point is 01:24:23 In and out. Okay, in and out versus Shake Shack homeless person has the same. In and out. In and out. Okay, in and out versus shake shark. Let me tell you about in and out. Wow. Let me tell you about in and out. We're talking about a lot of Californians in here, man. In and out is useless to me.

Starting point is 01:24:34 Wow. And here's why. Wow. It's a good burger. It's a good burger. Wow. Fries are, the fries are inedible. The fries taste stale.

Starting point is 01:24:42 A lot of people feel this way. They taste stale. It's because it's fresh. People are used to eating a shittier fry quality, basically. They're not used to eating a fry that doesn't taste stale. Well, it's a fresh sliced potato, like right there. They slice it in front of you. And it's massively overcooked. They're chewy, dude.

Starting point is 01:24:57 They're not like... What's your favorite fry? What's the best fry? McDonald's fries. Yeah, I agree. That's for sure. You know what I'm saying. You're a reasonable guy. You know what I'm saying. You're a reasonable guy.

Starting point is 01:25:05 Okay. You always got good fries? I say it all the time. Del Taco, the crinkle fries in Del Taco. What? Really? It's the best kept secret of fast food. I'm telling you something.

Starting point is 01:25:15 Are you a hardy? Go to, I want you to go to Del Taco and get some crinkle fries. And you're gonna be like, holy shit. I've never heard this before. Del Taco. He's signing off on it. Wow, Eddie.

Starting point is 01:25:24 It's a best kept secret. Wow. Nobody goes there for fries. Are you a hard-eased curly fry guy? I'm not a big... I don't like the seasoning on curly fries. I used to be. I used to be.

Starting point is 01:25:34 But, but, but, but... Hold on, we're going too fast here. What about Jack in the Box tacos with the American cheese? I bet you like those too. I love Jack in the Box. I was never big on the tacos, but the bacon potato, I'm sorry, the bacon cheddar potato wedges. And that, I love Jack in the Box.

Starting point is 01:25:51 It's so gross. Cause we're old now. Yeah, I know. It's so gross. Like if I ate it now, I would die. Die. But, but wait a second. Back to that Carl's Jr. burger.

Starting point is 01:26:03 I have so many things. Western bacon cheese burger. Yes, it's a great burger. I get extra many things on my- Westrop bacon cheese burger. Yes, it's a great burger. I get extra sauce. It's a great burger, but here's my point. The onion rings on it? Yes.

Starting point is 01:26:11 And the fucking bacon? It's good. Bro. And the pickles is good as shit. There's no pickles. Maybe I add pickles. I thought I had pickles. There's no pickles on a Westrop bacon. I maybe mix it in and I put the big red.

Starting point is 01:26:19 I ate 80 pounds eating that pregnant. Are you a pickles fan? I know. Love pickles. No pickle on that. But here's what I'm saying about Burger King versus Shake Shack. The Whopper, remember in Donnie Brasco when Pacino's like, you go to any borough, I'm

Starting point is 01:26:36 known. Ask about Lefty. That's the Whopper. No, that's true. It's Universal. I agree. It is Universal. It's Worldwide.

Starting point is 01:26:44 Well, there's no, I'm not arguing who's like the more famous guy between the two. That's craziest to argue. It's McDonald's all the way. Well, but also, I mean, you could also make the argument that the reason is like, I mean, a Burger King is a restaurant that has fucking 15,000 locations. But that doesn't mean that the quality is better than what you'd find at a Shake Shack.

Starting point is 01:27:04 Well, I would speak to that by saying, when I get a Burger King craving, yeah, nothing is sating that craving except Burger King. I could get a Shake Shack craving and go make it. That's what he's reasoning. I mean, I like your argument. I like the argument. The flavor. I think the Shake Shack burger is superior.

Starting point is 01:27:21 I like the argument that it's a version of something you can do versus what you probably can't do. The Whopper, whatever they do, I know they say they're flame-broiled and I don't buy it for a second. They're pouring some kind of liquid on it to make it taste like that, I think. But whatever that flavor is. The flame-broiled flavor on the patty is what, see I never liked the Whopper for that reason and it always gave me indigestion. That's fair. Now let's be real. I mean Burger King or McDonald's. McDonald's is my queen. Usually.

Starting point is 01:27:47 Yeah. You'll never. She's amazing. How about I have a I have a I have a sign in my house that was an actual sign for McDonald's that was a sign that Golden Arches that sat outside of a real McDonald's. It's like weathered because McDonald's heard me talk about McDonald's so many times on taste buds Their publicity team sent me an actual McDonald's sign. That's awesome. Yeah, I love the I ride I ride or die Yeah, there's a news story where this person found a

Starting point is 01:28:19 Burger that was 60 years old That was that was like wrapped up And they unwrapped it, and it looked like it was made earlier that day. That's one of the craziest things that I've ever. Yeah, it's fucked up. I mean, how does that happen? Well, we know, we just don't have their ingredients. But it's just 60 years old.

Starting point is 01:28:41 Science. Where did they find it, by the way? In a wall. In their wall. I mean. But you they find it, by the way? In a wall. In their wall. I mean. But you know what's interesting about McDonald's, we just talked about this last week. McDonald's is the one, like one of the fast foods. You have to eat it hot, like right fresh from whatever they do to you.

Starting point is 01:28:58 There's some things that. If it even waits, it smells like farts and your car will smell like farts. There's two McDonald's foods that I Still like cold yeah No, no, no, I prefer it I prefer yeah, but I could eat a cold Big Mac any day of the week and I can weirdly eat cold McNuggets any day of the week But I need sauce but that's when honey Hot mustard hot mustard all day long

Starting point is 01:29:22 Which one, honey? Hot mustard, hot mustard, all day long at barbecue. Hot mustard, I like hot mustard. I like hot mustard, yeah, yeah. That's the one-two punch at McDonald's. Yeah. I mean, it's just, it's no joke. I would argue there's not an entree I dislike at McDonald's. Actually, this fuck a salad, like why are you even getting that there?

Starting point is 01:29:37 I've done it. However, I do like the older pies. They used to deep fry them back when I was a kid and I prefer a deep fried apple pie. Agreed. I will say the... I feel the ice cream machine never works. That too, it's upsetting. The advance towards quality of McDonald's where they're trying to like kind of clean it up.

Starting point is 01:29:55 I don't like that. I don't care for it. I think it affects... It's not. I get why, ethically, it's affecting the flavor. Yeah. Alright, what's the name of the sandwich shop again? Sandwich shop is Joey Roses. Joey Roses seven days a week and it's in the lower lower east side 174 Rivington Street in New York City. Go get a

Starting point is 01:30:12 sandwich. What's the sandwich that everyone should try? What should you go get? I mean, I obviously believe in all of them. The local though is probably my my favorite. What's on it? The local is it's what it's white American cheese, turkey, homemade roast beef, mayo, tomatoes, onions, and hot cherry peppers. Are you a mayo fan? It's great. Yeah, I'm depending. Yeah, I'm a mayo. Yeah, I'm a mayo. And then I'm on the road too.

Starting point is 01:30:40 Yeah, of course. Oh, thank you. I never promised you a rose garden. It's the name of the tour and the show I'm doing. Oh, it's a great title. Thank you very much I'm on there. I'm on the mother ship this weekend, but thank you Austin for packing the shows There's no tickets left, but I got tennis natural Tennessee coming up I have South Carolina and North Carolina coming up early February those are the next dates go to jodorosa.com for tickets and then I got a ton of dates after them in the West Coast and throughout the country. All the dates are there all the tickets are there jodorosa.com and check out Taste Buds podcast with you and Sal Volcano. Yeah yeah and and Ari's asshole. So Joe thank you for coming by today. Thank you for being here.

Starting point is 01:31:23 Oh it did it was so nice. I'm glad I like to sit and talk to you guys. Choco kids, dude, we're together. Yeah, yeah. All right. See you guys next week. Bye. McDonald's, cheeseburgers, McDonald's, lay-a-fish, McDonald's, chicken nuggets, McDonald's,

Starting point is 01:31:34 fries, free McDonald's all the time, free McDonald's all the time, free McDonald's, all the time. You got a McDonald's, nigga? Burgers, burgers, lay-a-fish, burgers, burgers, chicken nuggets, McDonald's nigga McDonald's cheeseburgers McDonald's McDonald's is a happy meal for a boy or a girl. Yeah, what's up with that? Why don't you pick your own pronoun and the nuggets? I love the nuggets Many many French fries. You got a McDonald's nigga? Burgers, burgers, burgers, burgers.

Starting point is 01:32:07 Flay-a-fish. Burgers, burgers, burgers. Flay-a-fish. McDonald's. Go hard for it. If you drunk, it's even better. How does $2.3 million sound? Burgers, burgers, burgers.

Starting point is 01:32:18 Flay-a-fish. Burgers, burgers, burgers. I like these fries. McDonald's. Cheeseburgers. McDonald's. Flay-a-fish. Thanks, McDonald's. Thanks, McDonald's. It's delicious. Hey, I can't Cheeseburgers. McDonald's. Flay-A-Fish. Thanks, McDonald's.

Starting point is 01:32:25 Thanks, McDonald's. It's delicious. Hey, I can't remember the last time I had a Flay-A-Fish, but it's fantastic. Oh, fuck yeah.

Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - Setting The Record Straight w/ Joe DeRosa | Your Mom's House Ep. 744

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