Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - Take Your Jeans Off w/ Rick Glassman | Your Mom's House Ep. 857

Episode Date: April 29, 2026

The End is here! Ari's new storytelling show is $5.99 per episode at https://theend.ymhstudios.com. There's a total of 7 episodes for you to enjoy! Check out Joe DeRosa's new podcast Vile and Horrendous Pull up a chair and listen to what Joe does best: piss and moan! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bWvLI8xCAa0 SPONSORS: If you're struggling with OCD or unrelenting intrusive thoughts, NOCD can help. Book a free 15 minute call to get started: https://learn.nocd.com/YMH For simple, online access to personalized and affordable care for Hair Loss, Weight Loss, and more, visit https://Hims.com/YMH. For a limited time, our listeners get 50% off FOR LIFE, Free Shipping, AND 3 Free Gifts at Mars Men at https://Mengotomars.com Pull those Jeans up and take your shoes off, it’s another episode of Your Mom’s House! This week, Christine is on the road so Tom is joined by the host of TYSO, comedian, and actor, Rick Glassman! Tom and Rick share the dynamic energy of two serial killers trying to kill the other and start the show talking about nipple play, cleanliness, travel shoes, and ball sizes. Tom then opens the show with a video doorbell clip of a man surprising a group of religious solicitors. Tom and Rick also get into mouth noises, impressions, entertaining Scottish people, optimal porn penis sizes, and Amir K's hair. Rick also shares a story about a missed connection with incredible Asian girl at a recent comedy show in Denver, before Tom plays some wild horrible or hilarious clips for Rick. There's also a cop doppelgänger of Tom, Jewish family conflicts, fisting, an Asian lady named "Jew", and so much more! Check it out! Your Mom’s House Ep. 857 https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://christinap.com/https://store.ymhstudios.comhttps://www.reddit.com/r/yourmomshousepodcast Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:03:02 - Take Your Shoes Off 00:10:13 - Opening Clip: Having A Wank 00:14:51 - Mouth Noises 00:21:02 - Mostly Straight 00:27:43 - Touring Oversees & Penial Preferences 00:33:14 - Dirty Talk 00:37:52 - Rick's Missed Asian Connection 00:45:56 - Animals 00:50:52 - Horrible Or Hilarious 00:54:53 - Other Fun Clips 01:02:25 - Clip: Cool Guy Doesn't Like Asian Women 01:09:21 - Clip: Cop Tom 01:11:58 - Clip: My Dad Got Me A Hooker 01:16:28 - Upsetting Parents 01:19:10 - Wrap Up 01:20:26 - Closing Song - "Kick Ma Balls" by DJ Orlando Airport Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome, welcome to your mom's house. Welcome to another episode of your mom's house. Christine's on the road this week. She's doing shows, stand-up comedy shows. And so she's not here today. But sitting in, we're very excited to have for the first time here. You can see tickets. You can get tickets.

You can see them on tour right now on the Loose tour. Ricky's on the Loose. Ricky's on the loose at Rick Glassman.com. It's Rick Glassman, everybody. Look at that. Yeah, it is. It's a hot room. We're getting some laughs beforehand.

Yeah, man. They know the fucking deal. Wow. Is that a thing? Is that a thing that you ask? We have pre-show meetings. I'm like, you don't fucking laugh. You don't fucking work here.

Yeah. See? He knows. Are they miced up? I mean, they can get, they can put the mics on. Yeah. What's going on, brother? You're killing.

You're killing. They know. They know. I've never met her and I was sad that she wasn't going to be here today. Yeah, she left this morning for Dallas do gigs there. She's that, yeah, bring it home, dude. I'm off to it. Oh, that was the picturing her standing up and leaning over to me.

And you're just going like this. Yeah. Pinching her nipples. That's good. She liked that a lot. Big nipple fan. Are you a nipple guy? I'm a guy.

I don't, I'm not saying like, hey, you want to go on a date? Let me see your nipples. Yeah, but how about your nipples? How about them? Do you like them touched, played with, caressed, sucked, all that stuff? It's not something that I say, like, I suck my nipples. But, like, if they're kissing me and they suck my nipples, and by they, you know what I'm talking about. Yeah, yeah.

Then I'm like, oh, this is nice. It's nice. Yeah. But it's not necessary. And I don't, whatever, we get a little sexual on here. Sure. I feel very similar about my balls. It's nice, but I'm not, I don't need that.

You don't demand it. No. No. Do you have any demands? Yeah. don't put their phone on my bed. Yeah, right. And are you like, are you, you know, tie people up? Are you something like that? Are you into that? Most people that, that don't want a woman to put their phone on their bed aren't also the same people that tie people up. I don't know. I don't know

that there's an actual Venn diagram for that. Um, I think so. You think so? I think so. No phone on the bed. Why is no phone? Because you don't want the distraction? Unless they're family. Does that make sense? That does make sense. Because of Vendezel. Yep. Yeah. Because of Van Diesel. They know. What's the phone reason? Phones are dirty as shit. They just feel, oh, clean.

I'm one of those people that has bed clothes, indoor clothes, outdoor clothes. So you don't like her after the shower. I mean, after the gym, right? You take a shower. No, that's not necessarily the case. No. I actually think that's hot. I'm not like...

Now we're getting somewhere. That's human dirty. That's sweating. That's, that's, that's your body. Feramones. Yeah, phones are, how often do you clean your phone? I, and free plug, by the way, shout out to phone soap. Do you know phone soap?

I don't know. I found them on Shark Tank. It's a thing that you could put your phone, your keys or whatever in. You close it for 10 minutes. It's ultraviolet light. And you got one. Oh, I've had one for years. And it really, oh, why?

You do it daily? Whenever I go home, I put my phone in there. And another, another. Dude, that's a good, this is a good. good point to make. It also, it's locking your phone up. So I put my phone, so I put it in there, and I know it's 10 minutes. When you have 10 minutes away from it, I don't need it until I need it. And this is why everyone needs Asian friends, too, because you go in to Asian people's homes and they're like, take your fucking shoes off, you white ghost. And you do, and you realize

it really is so sanitary. You don't want to bring the filth of the world into your home. And so many crackers just walk through their homes with their shoes on after they're out in society and you're like, you white fucking pig, you realize what your floors are like now? Why is it always like white? There's a lot of non-Asian other colors. What do you mean? It's not just Asians and whites. But I'm talking to the most important groups, Asians and whites.

Fair. And the whites are usually, I think whites are usually the dirtiest. You did my podcast once. It was a while ago. It was so fun. Do you remember the name of my podcast? Something. Take your shoes off.

White guy. T-Y-S-O-W-G. Dude, what a moment. This is the clip. You think so? I don't know. It feels something. It feels like something.

That sounds like. Have you been lifelong, take your shoes off? Yeah, but my family isn't. I'll tell you another thing that I'm annoyed by. When somebody comes into your home, right? I just had this. Someone comes into the house and they go, do I have to take my shoes off?

Like the way, they question it like waited. They're like, do I? And I'm like, well, I just did. And I'm the homer. Yeah, but then I go, and you can tell they're kind of like, all right, like they're bothered by it. It's like, dude, you saw me do it and you just asked. As long, I'm not, if I see that you're bothered by wanting to adopt one of my rules,

I'll let you deal with your bother. Really? I'm fine. I am very good at not taking other people's feelings as my responsibility. Well, that's very evolved of you. Thank you. Very evolved. Thank you.

Because I know what makes me safe. Take your shoes off. I have friends that are boots guys. Maybe that's a common thing around here. And they're like, it's boots, it's like the rollerblades. I don't know how tough it is to take off a boot. Usually, let's be honest. White.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There is something about a white comedian. In his boots? And his boots. I think boots are kind of, they're being phased out. It's usually not a guy in his 20s.

No, no. It's a new leather jacket. It's a guy, yeah, no. It's a guy like they found, oh, this makes me hot. Yeah. Boots make me hot. Maybe they make me a little taller. They give the lift for sure.

Yeah, if you're 5'7 and you find boots. 5.7? No, no. You're 5.9 when you have boots. That's what I'm saying. They're like, hey, I'm no longer. Yeah, you fucking white piece of shit, fucking cuck. Yeah.

Yeah. You white fucking asshole. Yeah. You miserable white fucking bitch. Crack-ass. Chinese fucking honky yeah say something you fucking white with you your fake height fuck you yeah well six three damn should get some boots dude you imagine I'm not into boots you've tried them I've tried them I've done stuff where like I got styled for press stuff what's on today you got

like sneaker just like regular kicks yeah oh those are vans yeah vans or chucks anything when I when I travel I only bring one pair of show shoes right and I like those fold. You know what I'm saying? Give me something that's like those collapsible cups that little kids have. Are they just for the stage? Yes, just by, not intentionally,

but like, oh, I just keep these in my suitcase until I change them out. So ultimately you have two pairs. I have my walkerounds and then your show shoes. I respect that. Do you not travel shoes? Yeah. You do travel shoes.

For sure. Yeah, multiples. Do you check a bag even if you're gone for a couple of days? No. I check a bag. You check a bag. Check a bag. I'm only thinking about.

this because my friend brought up to me today. On the road? I have my pillow. I have my shoes. Oh, you bring a bathroom stuff. You bring a pillow. Okay. Yeah. All right. I'm a white piece of shit. Liberal cuck fucking Jew bitch. Clip it. Yeah, dude. Who doesn't need his balls suck, but he likes it. Oh, Daddy wants his nipples played with. Maybe it's your fucking choice. Well, let's talk about your balls for a second. Which one? Do you want gentle or aggressive ball sucking? All right. You know what? I think my magic mind just kicked in. Let's talk about it. I have a little bit of an insecurity.

I used to have an insecurity. Now I have maybe a little one. Yeah. Do you know what a varicose seal is? A varicose seal. I don't even know if I'm saying right. A vericose seal? I don't think so.

Like varicose veins. You have a lot of times a man, traditionally on his left side. A lot of people who varicoseal, is it on your left? Comment, it's extra veins around your testicle. I had that pre-puberty. It does two things.

One, there's more veins. So, like, it didn't give as much room for my testicle to grow. And it also could cause fertility issues because there's more blood. It's warmer down there. I got it removed in 11th grade. It came back.

But my left ball is significantly smaller than my right. I don't think there's a lot of women who want to hook up with me and like, I can't wait to fucking suck his awesome perfect balls. And then they see one smaller and they go, oh.

But in my head, that's what they're doing. Sure. So when they go down there and if they start with my right, I get hot, like, don't go to my left, don't go to my left. And if they start with my left, I'm like, the right one's bigger.

and then they never cared. So now I'm like, I get it. And when I'm in a relationship or I've been with somebody, it's fine. But there is a first time thing where I want to say to somebody, if you suck my balls and you don't have to, just want to let you know

that my left one's smaller. It's a real thing. I'm trying to find a way to, but yeah. Okay. So pressure-wise, though. Pressure-wise, the real pressure is do they think my ball's too small? Other than that is, I just go whatever,

and then if it's too much, it'd be like, ah. Yeah, yeah, okay. Yeah, I don't want it. I'm not, you know, I'm not looking for them. to vacuum. Is that a thing? Do people like a lot of pressure? I think that that's probably a thing because everything's a thing. Do you know what I mean? Everything that you can imagine is a thing. But traditionally, people probably don't want their balls ripped on. I don't know. I think some

people probably do actually. You? No, definitely not. But I'm saying, no, that's a sensitive area. I prefer it. Cut to a clip? Gentle. But I think, you know, I'm just saying I think there's people out there are always like, I like this and it's an extreme or something. Yeah, they're people that like clamps on their balls. Exactly, that's my point. I used to know what kind of guy you were. So I was asking. Yeah.

Well, thanks for checking in. Yeah, man. It's Ricky's on the loose. Oh, go ahead. Are we doing more? Let's play the opening clip. We haven't played the opening clip yet. Let's go.

Hello? Hello there. Richard, do you have his witnesses? Just sharing the thoughts from the Bible if you have a moment. Yeah, give me two minutes. I'm just having a wank. Okay. Don't bring anyone mother to this.

Your mom, where the fucking stand? Welcome. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura. And Christina Pajitzen. It's like you changed her name out so many times ahead of... It's always someone else. You could have both got her balls sucked during that. That's every time, too.

Why so long? 15 years. 16 years. And that's how long the song is? For 16 years. Oh, I thought you were saying the song is approximately 16 years. There's a version that is. but Jesus Christ yeah it's always that long yeah for thousands of episodes

here you go I'm giving this to you but I am Ari Shafir it's a fucking crazy night we're gonna have here shit's about to go down look we're here to talk ball this is a love story media herpes gineria AIDS I'm desperate I'll stab you and your motherfucking love one of the worst things I could happen That's your favorite Bible verse. I'm like, I don't know any. I'm Catholic. Did you just shit your pants?

It's not my shit. If you're up there, lady, don't call me. I'm the bad guy in the story. I know that. I'll be a better person tomorrow. At least he's consistent. Finally, something we can agree on. I'll discuss it in hard.

It's not the evening I plan, but I'm having a blast. Now if you'll excuse me, g-h-h-h-h. Martin Luther King, John F. Kennedy, Malcolm X, and now Dog Piss has the stage. All hell dog. Piss. Guess what? Violent horrendous, a show where I do, I guess what I do best, which is complaining way too

much about shit that's not that important. I think all YouTubers should be jailed. An army of drunken screaming Santa Claus's. The devil stick guy was the doctor. Shut the fuck. Come along for this beautiful, disgusting, violent, horrendous journey. My new YMH show. Subscribe.

Smash that like button. We're gonna be doing this every other week. This is and horrendous. Hear me out. Have you ever had a thought that's so out of left field and then no matter what you do

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call. That's n-o-cd.com. And the best part is when someone is like you, and they're like, it's what's going on here? Well, it's just, you know, it's just, it's long. It's long. It is long. Yeah. Do you ever look at the analytics and see during those moments there's some drop-off? I've never looked and I'm not going to. I've heard people say it's so fucking long. And then we made a 10 times longer version once. Well, that's fun. Yeah, that's fun.

And then there's somebody who did the well, Josh Potter did the Acapella version. So he like did the whole Does he do good sound effects and stuff? He did radio for a long time. Santino's good at those things. Santino is also great at

accents. Noises. Yeah. Yeah. He really has that skill set. You know how this is good at noises? And I don't think he gets his noise credit. Eric Griffin.

Does he do a lot of noises? Yeah. I don't know if like they would be like radio noises. Yeah. But yeah. The Michael Winslow of an all, like that guy. Is he alive? Is Michael Winslow alive?

There was a time, I don't know, how old are you? 29. He is. He is. Nice. There was a time when this. guy I actually thought this was the coolest guy in the world for a couple years as a kid. Do you remember what? Did you watch the police academies? Yes, but my and I know him in

those, but my introduction to him was space balls. Because he's in space balls too. The beeps, the creeps and the leaps. Man, the fucking sounds this guy would make. You're like, that's got to be a modified, you know what I mean? Like in post thing and you're like, no, it's just that he can just do those sounds. As you as a kid in the 70s? This would have been in the 80s, yeah. You was a kid in the 80s We're like He's probably doing that in post

Yeah, I know You know You know That's a post move You're just so hip It didn't sound though Like you were like How could this actually

Be coming out of this guy Wasn't he on America's Got Talent A few years ago doing it? I think he had a little bit of resurgence Yeah Yeah, there he is That's crazy man I love sounds

I love people People who could sing And people who could do accents It's like a magic trick to me Like It is And if you could be entertaining with it, it's even better.

Yeah. But like, even if you could just, like, do the thing and you don't have a bit with it. I'm just like, I want to watch this. Yeah. Somebody who could do dead on impressions, too. I mean, like the Calyendo of it all, where they just totally more. Because the thing about the accent, you realize the impression, it's one thing to be

able to get the voice down. But then if they are speaking as the person, like the thoughts and the way that person would speak, the things they would say. Take it out of character. Yeah, it takes it to another level. Do you know Amir K? comedian. I know that name. I know that name.

He's another one of those people that just like, yeah. He does that stuff? His voices and not just, that's what we're talking characters, are so good, like he could go on stage as a character, and it's not like, oh, that's a character. It's so authentic, and it's so real.

It's just like, dude, amazing. Lots of stuff. He had a hair, too. It's insane. He used to do a joke, and I'm confident he doesn't do it anymore so I could say it. but like you always go, I'm growing my hair out for a movie.

And then it's like, oh, what are you doing? He goes, I'm watching Godfather. There you go, he goes. That's very funny. Very funny. Yeah, that's, uh, I love the voice thing. I love it. Could you do anything?

Could I? Yeah. I mean, I never was like, I'm going to do the most horrifying, like, you know how you have auditions where you're like, that was doing, you've never had that? I was doing an audition. for Mad TV and they told me to prepare like a monologue and a character and I did them and they were like great

and then they were like what about impressions? And I was like yeah that wasn't part of the Yeah are you in there for it? Like all you're in there they say do an impression? Yeah so like I did a character I did a monologue I did like what they had told me to do and the ladies like can you do you know like an impression of someone and I was like

oh no like that's that's not what I'm bringing to this and she was like just do one. And I was like, what? She was like, can you do, you know, do like somebody. And I was like, she's like, do like Jack Black. Like she picked. Yeah, she picked. And I was like Jack Black. She's like, yeah, just do like a Jack Black impression. And I was like, oh. And I was like, you could see me going like, and I could see her being like, fuck is happening right now. I'm like, well, yeah, you just

threw this at me. And I don't have this in my arsenal. And then I, I just stammered through probably the worst Jack Flag impression ever. And I was like, done. And she was like, okay, like, we'll let you know. I was like, oh, man. It was humiliating. That's funny. It would be great to have that tape.

Oh, fuck, man. It's out there somewhere. It probably exists. For sure. All of them do. That's the thing. They all exist, man. Every fucking shit audition.

But you've already gotten to the level to where if it was going to get leaked, they would have done it around. I mean, at this point also, I would be like, just fucking, who cares? Right? Like, leak it. I don't care.

When I first moved to L.A., I was asked. to do an S&L reel because that's the thing that everybody does. And like that's not, I don't do, same. I don't do, like, I'll do original characters. I can't do impressions or anything. And then she said, just put a manager at the time,

said, just put a reel together. I remember I put a reel together. I still have it. I've cut to it in my podcast before. I have it somewhere. But I literally did Will Smith. Will Smith. Jada Pink and Smith.

I did, uh, Edward Norton. Okay. You know, just things that like, so random. Yeah. And I thought maybe like the joke could just be. These are. But even then I was still trying to do it.

I don't know. What do you? You know? I don't know. Well, that's the thing about when I, I've talked to people who do like a lot of impressions. And they usually say, you know, like immediately when you have one. Like, you know what I mean? If you go like, do Al Pacino.

If they, if you can do it, you just. Everyone could do a little Al Pacino. Everyone can do a little bit. I'm here. I just got a great ass. Yeah. That whole thing. Yeah.

You should have just done that. You wouldn't know a mad TV today? I've been like, yeah, I got Pacino down. But they say that, like, you just have them in your, like, you can just do them or you can't. They say a lot of, and I don't want to speak for the entire homosexual community. Yeah. But I do know most of them. They know at a certain point, usually around when you could, like.

If you're going to bottom. Around, no, just if you're homosexual. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So similar time, like, you'll know by, I'm making this number up, but let's say 14, if you could do impressions and if you're homosexual. Hmm. Doesn't mean you can't mean you can't be homosexual later. Well, yeah, you might be by.

Do you watch, do you scroll a lot on Instagram? Are you, like, looking at reels? Unfortunately, unless I put it in the phone soap. Then it's not, yeah, then it's doing its own thing. When I just saw this guy who was like, yeah, man, he was just doing, he's like, yeah, I'm mostly straight. And I got a little, you know, a little of the other side in me, too. And he's doing this interview. And he's with a girl, and the girl's like, yeah, totally.

And I'm like, wait, where is he going with this? like, you know, like, I mostly like chicks, but like, yeah, I've done some gay stuff, you know, and she's like, yeah, and then you figured out whether it's for you or not. He's like, exactly. Yeah. And I kind of like it, but I like the other stuff too. And I was like, I don't, I don't think so. Dude, that's such a hypocrite. That's exactly like you with Pacino. You don't do impressions. No. But like

a little bit, you can. You can play with it, and you realize, oh, I don't want to be on Mad TV. But you're still a little gay. Right. And like, I feel like, you're like, I date women, but yeah, I mean, whatever. I give some hand jobs every once in a while. I don't know. I'm convinced as a straight man, I'm convinced that the only reason I'm straight, the only reason I'm as straight as I am is because society taught me that's what I'm supposed to be. I think if everyone was sucking in fucking dicks and jerking off dicks a little bit, I would, there's, I would like, I don't know. I'm not craving it necessarily, but like, yeah, I don't know. Like, I don't love sushi, but it's good for my body.

Like I, the way that fish, when I eat fish, I can tell. Like, sometimes I'll eat, I'll eat it. but like I'll drink water as I'm chewing and swallowing it. I don't want it, but like, whatever. It's good for you. If people who are pushing homosexuality the way they're pushing sushi, you might be a redneck. We'll be right back afterwards. I feel like you could get talked into some shit after that speech.

I really do. I don't think so because I think, honestly, I'm just being honest. I think, unfortunately. The right environment. All right. I've thought about this. St. Bart's. You're at the fuck, you're at the club Eden or whatever.

Dude, I don't have your kind of money. I don't even know. I just go to regular Barts. I go to Bart Simpson. Keep it in. But you're hanging out there. There's a rave going on. And there's these cool fucking French dudes who are like,

Rick. You know, shirts are open. You guys are having shots. They're hugging. No, the accent turns me off. The French accent on men turn me off. Okay, let's make the accent you like then. All right.

Let's make it a Hemsworth. Let's make it Chris Hemsworth. Chris Hemsworth, with his Aussie accent. Yes. And it's Cribs-Hemsworth in a different world. And you're doing, are you doing overhead, like, single press? No, no, no. I already know what the situation is.

Okay. It's, it's Chris Hems. There's a woman that I'm so attracted to. It's a beautiful woman. Uh-huh. And like, and like, we're like, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then Chris Hemsworth is there. And they're like, oh, then they start fooling around and like, hey, Rick, come on in here.

And then like, like, maybe before, I've never done this. But like, it's Chris Hemp, right? So now I'm with her. He's with her. I'm just looking at him saying, like, you do my podcast. You know, stuff like this. Yeah, yeah. And then like this is gratuitous.

I haven't, I don't know for sure, but let's say, she goes, I want two, I want two colleagues inside and my pussy at the same time. Wow. Okay, you know, you know these Aussie women. Yeah, they're crazy. Fucking sluts. Yeah. They usually have their shoes on too. Yeah. The white ones.

I'm like, my dick's touching his dick. Would I say no to it? Probably. But I also might just say probably because it's like two dicks and one, like. You're in a vagina together. Yeah, I don't need to like. And also, here's the thing. Don't you feel like her encouraged,

plays a role in this? Like, what if she's like, this is so hot? If she goes, no, no, no, I'm not turned on. Right, right. Yeah. So I'm thinking like, and then once you do that, oh, her dick's her.

I'm like, oh, look it. I didn't melt. Yeah, exactly. Let me suck his fucking dick. You know, in a different world. In a whole other world. In a whole other world. Like, let's say, like you're in Brisbane or something.

I'm in Brisbane. Okay. And let's say, let's say I'm going down on her. And she's beautiful. And by the way, more importantly, she's funny. She's very funny. Okay.

Yeah. And she's like, and then she's like, Chris, fuck me. And like, I'm down like, and I'm on her clitoris. And he's right. Yeah. Would I pull, would I stop? I think so. But like, what if they didn't tell me?

Instead, I'm like, oh. And it melts. What if he's like, I need a little help? I'm getting, let me suck your fucking dick. Come on my podcast. Yeah. On my face. Eleanor Roosevelt.

Yeah, dude. That's a fucking great scene. Maybe. Maybe. Who knows? There's a lot of noise out there when it comes to hair loss. I mean, look. from the 10-1 shampoos, expensive clinic visits, and random advice online.

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Are you touring Australia? Not yet, but I am touring. After this you are. I'm touring. I'm doing my first out of the country tour though. Where? I'm doing the fringe festival. Okay.

in Scotland. Then I'm doing a week in London. And then I'm deciding between I'm going to do Amsterdam and then either Dublin or Berlin. And I might do a day in Paris. See if there's any hot guys. Bro. That's a great tour.

I'm going to lose so much money on it. Or Berlin. Yes. They're both fantastic. I have eight days between Scotland and London. And I don't think I want to do more than two places. And I want to do Amsterdam. I'm still setting up.

I've never been to Amsterdam. show in Amsterdam? Yeah. Okay, great comedy crowds. I would say, having done all those cities for stand-up, you can't go wrong. Dublin audiences are amazing, and so Berlin's a great comedy town. That's what I hear. I was surprised to hear that.

I mean, I had no idea. I just feel like I know people speak English, kind of, in Ireland. Yeah, they're pretty good at English. I can't understand them, but they'll understand maybe. Oh, yeah, you'll definitely. You're not, it'll be different if you go to Scotland. Is it harder to understand the Scots? I dated to Scott.

Yeah, for sure. That was my first homosexual experience. Hell yeah. His name was Scott. Okay. Yeah, when I watch movies that take place in Ireland, it needs subtitles. Well, just like here in the States, there's degrees of the accent. You know, outside in like smaller towns, you're going to have stronger accents.

I think that northern Ireland accent is stronger than it is in Dublin. I think the Scots, for the most part, have a strong. a stronger accent than the Irish. And Berlin, a lot of English speakers. That's the whole thing is probably right. Bilingual, yeah, everyone. Everyone's so smart. Yeah, they speak great English.

You'll have, and references, everything. Should I maybe do all of them? It's just, you know, I'm treating this like a vacation too. I don't want to just do, da, da, da, da. Extend it. Fucking just do more. Yeah. And Paris, by the way, from London, so easy.

Yeah. Yeah. A girlfriend of mine, I used to have lived in London, and I was there for years all the time. Oh, you were? All the time. Oh. And I love it.

love being there and the Paris trains easy. Yeah. I'm excited. It's going to be awesome, dude. Anyway, I would think I would suck some dick maybe or if that was what the world was because like I don't want, like, whatever, there's a dick. Right. Like, it's another thing to say.

I'm not grossed out by dicks. If we were, if we were living in, I don't know. Dublin. Dublin or like in Greece and it's fucking 2,000 years ago. And they're like, yeah, everybody's suck. It's not like you would have your mind of today in that world. All I'm saying is I'm open to the fact that if I was, yes, if we were in a different world, maybe. I do know when I watch pornography, I want there to be a penis.

Yeah, same. I don't like lesbian porn. And I also, here's the truth, I don't want some mediocre dick in there. That's the biggest bummer when you're like, that looks like my dick. What the fuck's that guy? If the guy's body isn't at least decent. Yeah. That's fine.

Don't show it. But if his penis isn't at least as big as mine. Yeah. Then what are we doing here? Yeah, it's gross. I think penises, I think everybody could agree that if there's a penis that's significantly smaller than theirs, it's gross.

And it doesn't belong on camera. That person doesn't deserve to work. That's another thing. You have to figure why are there six inch penises in porn? Unless it's somebody like making homemade stuff. Right, right, right. Yeah, but at the pro level

where this is like a studio or whatever is putting it out, you're like, bro, bring in some fucking hammers. Yeah. That's why we all signed up for this. Yeah. Mugsy bogs of pornography. You know, I'm sure it exists. Yeah.

Maybe he does this with his hips. Mm-hmm. Good hip movement. That's a real thing. That's a real thing. I, intuitively, I remember, like, just out of college, I remember like, oh, I think you're supposed to go like this. Like, you know, and, and it's still when I have sex and I do it like that, and sometimes

I think to myself, you fucking phony. Really? Yeah, it's just, you fucking phony. It's something like. to actually like, you know, to do it like one of those, like a hot black guy or something, it's like, I get it. You don't have to just go like this. Yeah.

But like to actually be like, you know, you're listening to like, I don't know, is Jamarquaya singer? But like, you know, you're listening to, you know. Your yoga movement sex is like, yeah. I don't know. I just feel like they know I'm doing this for them. I know you just, yeah. Go ahead.

Go back to your old in out and out. Well, there's a, there's a spectrum. There is. Yeah. You don't have to just, you know, yeah. You don't have to just do that. Yeah. Yeah.

My unique selling point in the bedroom, I think, is the connection, the vocalization. Vocalization. Yeah. Things you say or sounds you make? That's the things I say. The sounds I make a good thing. I guess they're both a funny thing to bring up. But the sound, no, women love the way I go, you know.

Oh, you like you're grinding. No, like the talking. like I like to find out what they like. And then like, I like to communicate. Okay, that's great. Yeah. Yeah. So you're a big, you like that?

You're one of those? That's not real. That's how you doing. How's your weekend? That's small talk, dirty talk. Small talk, dirty talk. You're talking about really more pointed questions. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. You're checking in a lot. Yeah. That's good. Yeah. I mean, God, this is like a really good resume builder for you. You know, it's interesting.

I've been talking about a bit of this in my act at the moment. It was like a two-minute thing. become a little longer. But just where, from where like before I ever had my first kiss to like where I am now and like the things I've learned and talking to people. And it's like, it's really a lot more intuitive than you would think. What's more intuitive? All of it.

Like I know a lot of people don't like dirty talk. They feel embarrassed about dirty talk. Yeah. Are you a dirty talk guy? I like it. Yeah. Yeah. But dirty talk is just like, let me rephrase.

I happen to like dirty talk a lot. Good. It's with, if it's not small talk, dirty talk. So do you like that? Is not dirty talk to me. Okay. What's an example of dirty talk? I want you to, you know, not these words because that's personal and like it's very much

in the moment, but the exposition is I don't want a finger inside of my butt, but I want you to press on my, press on it. Yeah, yeah. And like having a way of doing that to where it's not like, do you think it's gross if you put your finger on my butt a little? Yeah. But like being able to like when you're having dirty talk, like you put your finger, you know, like confidently do it. Yeah. Yeah. I think of it like if you wanted to put your finger in my mouth, but my teeth are closed, but you're pushing around like the lips.

But like that's a vulnerable thing to say to somebody. Totally. If it's not in dirty talk, I think. I think you're right. I think you're right, man. Yeah, look at you. Look how far you've come since your first kiss. I know. I feel like you could start your own video line of how to teach people how to do this stuff. It's good. That's a great idea. What if I, for my merch, I had a book. on if you're neurotic and you want to fuck confidently. Yeah. This is, you can sell, I'm being serious. I'm being serious too. And just talk about the body,

talk about the G spot is how it works. Yeah. Do you know that 84% of women cannot orgasm penetratively? Really? Yeah, cut yourself some slack. 84? 84. That's an accurate number?

If you're a woman and you're beautiful, put in the comments if you could orgasm penetratively. Yeah, most need something else. Yeah. And if you're, if you're not beautiful, you could also comment. Yeah. If you're like, I'm kind of a pig, but yeah, I feel like commenting too.

Why is that, even though we're not even talking about a real person? Yeah. Why is it? And I know how that's received and it's fine. But that isn't like a jerk thing. Like if you're an ugly woman, like ugly women, ugly people are ugly. Yeah. But there is something like I clocked myself and I don't need to censor it.

But like, oh, ugly women, that's mean to ugly women. Like, I don't, why? Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Because we're kind of conditioned to especially be, I mean, I think kind of across the board, but there's more of a sensitivity to saying it about a woman. Like for a guy, guy can like own, but like, I'm not good looking, but I got, you know, he can have the personality. Everyone's like, yeah, he's not the most handsome guy, but he's the fucking best. Women can have that.

Yeah, it's, it's less celebrated and identified. I agree. I agree. But like, we were talking about, like, yeah, if you're a fucking ugly dude with a little fucking dick, I don't want to jerk off to you, you fucking loser. Yeah. But, you know, if you're an ugly woman, you don't have to let me know if you come penitatively. Oh, I'm sorry. If you're ugly, you're ugly, you're You could tell me. It's weird. Yeah, we, we, I think it's all has to do with, um, just all having mothers, honestly, because everybody has like a special way they, you know, tenderly care for that maternal aspect. And I think it carries into other relationships. So we just are more gentle about women. Whether you're fat or you're hot or you're skinny or you're fat and pretty.

Yeah. Let me know if you could come penetratively. Let us know you can come penetrively. Okay. Yeah. And, um, and let us know what would help. Yeah. Yeah. I think it's important to ask those questions. And there's those unicorns out there that penetrate and they're just in it. They're just, all right, here we go. I can come in two seconds.

Yeah. They make you feel good. Yeah. It's like playing comedy works in Denver. It's exactly what it is. Wow, look what I did. Well, yes, but you don't know where you are. Anybody could do what you did.

And you're like, oh, really? That's a realization I had on my first. acting job. It was a show called Undatable. It was like a first where I was like a series regular there was a sitcom and I'm doing it. I'm like oh anybody, at least my part of it like oh anybody could do this and like

it made me realize how much more like what a lottery ticket it is to win like to get something like like to have an ego when you're doing something. Yeah. For 99.9% of actors like no fucking I'm it like any so many people could do what we're doing. Yeah. You know? Yes.

But it still, it feels good. It feels good. It feels good to just penetrate and make her have an orgasm. And it feels good to do comedy works. And it feels good to book jobs. Yes. Yes. The trifecta.

The comedy works thing too, it's like the first time you do it, you're like, this crowd gets it. They're good. And then you leave and you're like, the fuck just happened. And then you think about the fact that there's people that have started at that club

and probably work there all the time. And you're like, dude, you got to get out of here. This is bad for you. This is too. Like the opposite of working. out in extra gravity. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. You know what? I'm going to say something about Denver Comedy Works that I've never talked about. I was there for the first time like a month and a half ago. I did five shows.

They were amazing. The first show, I'm on stage. You know, there's people to the left of you like where you walk on. And there's like, like you can't really see them at one. They're almost on stage. Yeah, but it's not lit.

It's so well done. They're right there. I got off stage and maybe the most beautiful woman, one of the, without a doubt, one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen. Asian. Sitting.

By her, I didn't look at her feet. I was too busy staring into her heart. She's here. There's two seats in between her and another guy, but they're in the same row. And it also makes sense because the seats were, like maybe they just, like, if we're on a plane and I'm, sorry, if we're flying coach and there's two of us,

you don't sit in the middle. Right. Was that what they were doing? So I didn't know if they were together or not. and I didn't have enough time to think and say, like, are you with this person? I just wanted to say, like, you know, and I just walked past her,

and I haven't stopped thinking about her. I don't know who it is. Yeah. I've never done this with anything ever. Misconnection. If you're the hot Asian chick from Denver Comedy Works, I don't know. I don't even know.

I'll suck a dick with you. We can make, I think we can make this happen. We have to pinpoint. We have to make it. It was a Thursday show. It was the first show. All right. So listen, first of all,

There's a good amount of people in Denver that watch or listen to this show. So we got, we got, somebody who is listening or watching goes to comedy works all the time. Okay. And somebody who was listening or watching was at the Thursday show. Do I get the date? Do I give a date? If you can give the date, I think it's definitely better. Yes.

I think we could make this happen. Okay. Keep going with what you're doing. So if you are in Denver and you're like, man, yes. Yes, I saw. Or even if you know that your friend went to see Rick or goes to comedy works a lot. February 26, Thursday. It was a Thursday.

It was February 26th, downtown Denver. It was probably a little chilly, right? It was probably. I was perfect night. It was a perfect night. It was a perfect night. Perfect night. And the most perfect Asian.

And somebody goes, oh, that's my friend, you know. That's my friend, Annie or whatever. They know. Yeah, it's not Annie. It could be. It could be Kim. Yeah, better. Annie Kim.

Somebody knows Annie Kim. And do you know, I mean, this is made not the most politically correct way of asking this. What kind of Asian it was? No one knows. No one knows. No? You didn't get Thai or Filipino or Korean vibes or anything? I wouldn't.

I'm not good at that. I can tell if I look at the written word. And the reason is because I play Magic the Gathering. And when I was coming up, there's a lot of different types of Asian magic cards. And you could tell what it was. Really? Yeah. Have you been to Asia at all?

Have you traveled to Asia? No. God, it's amazing. I waited so long. I didn't do it for so long, but now I've been a few times. Wow. And there's so much I have not explored yet, but holy shit, is that part of the world? Incredible.

The closest I've ever been was on February 26th. In Denver. I almost went Asian. You almost went Asian. Yeah. And you still think of this woman. I think it's, you know, a big reason I think of it was because I, you know, a big reason I think of it was because I,

usually somebody that like speaks for speaks up yeah I'm not even talking like in a romantic situation just like hey I'm bringing my dog is it okay if I do this I do it I want it like I'll just ask and then you could say you know I'll you know set your boundaries so what I'm really holding onto is like the regret of like why didn't I say something yes I know I know what you mean and I think I foolishly thought like oh I may I'll see her after like maybe like yeah walk out or like the meet and greet or something I don't know I I kicked the can down You didn't make a comment about her during the show. I didn't see her until I walk out.

That's what I was saying because it's dark. So I just got off stage. Oh, I see. And it was a great show. It's fucking comedy works, baby. It's the best. And I walk off stage and I literally, I was taken aback. You were like, yeah, I might have.

And if you go to tons of Thursday shows and you forgot which one I was, it was the one that when he walked past you, he went like this. I couldn't believe. What was you wearing? Do you remember? No. I'm remembering a. memory.

Yeah, yeah. And... Long straight hair? Even. And I thought to myself afterwards, like, I... Why didn't I... It's not like even I needed to go on a date with her. I just...

Why did that? Because the reason I didn't talk to her was because I thought, oh, maybe she's with this person. And I realized what I could have said. I could have said, I'd walk out. Looking, like, if she's here and you're him... Yeah. Hi, I'm so sorry if you two were together.

You're so beautiful. And I just wanted... Like, if you guys aren't... Something like there. Oh, we're together. Congratulations. This is wonderful. I'd love to give you both a sweatshirt for free. Yeah, yeah. Would you have, if you had seen her, you know, because sometimes you're, when you're on that stage, you can see front row stuff. If she, if you, she had been,

would you have addressed it? Would you have been like, excuse me, miss. Not at the expense of the act. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yes, probably. There's a level of confidence up there. But also, I'm not somebody. And I'm not meaning to sell, I guess maybe I'm selling something. I guess, but that's my intention, but like, I don't hook up with people after shows. You know, like, not that the people are throwing themselves at me, but like, there's a confidence of me like flirting with people on stage sometimes. And then if they come up to me after, I love it. That's great. I love the idea of this. But like, that's probably not. That's not a thing that I, you know. But with this person, I would have been like, I would love to have, you know, gone out to eat. Yeah. Got to know her. Yeah. I can't. She was, and I said to, I said to my friends who are on the show to. Or your left ball or something. Yeah. Also, ignore this episode.

Other than just the part where I'm reaching out to you. Yeah, don't listen to the rest, just this part. But like I said, did you see to my friend who, and I didn't even finish, he goes, the girl in the back when you're walking out, I go, oh my God, he goes, oh, my God. Oh, so this is a real. Oh, so why was she there? What were you doing? What if she's the, what if she's the one watching right now? And she's like, I'm a huge Rick fan.

And she's the one that reaches out. You know, I love what I do. I really do. I think it's worth coming to a show. I really love what I'm doing. I find it hard to believe that just a beautiful woman is coming there by herself to see me. It's possible. It's possible. She could also be mentally ill, you know? Statistically, it's possible, yes, but I don't think people that, yeah, I don't know.

She could be severely mentally ill, but it doesn't matter. What does that look like to you? Like, what do you mean when you say severely, what in a cartoon sense, but still possible? Well, just a fucking demon person. Like she's... Oh, mean. Oh, yeah. She could be an awful, diabolical. just cruel narcissist. You don't know this. Do diabolical cruel people go to a comedy show alone? I mean, it's not unheard of.

Maybe that's her thing is that she goes and, I don't know, she peruses the club for targets. You don't know. You don't know. It's all in your head right now. Everything's possible. She could also be an angel. I'm just saying this person could be one of many things. We don't know.

Well, if you were interested in me and I walked past you, let me just say, I'm so sorry. that I didn't say hello. Yes. But that was me. Yeah, that's just a little bit like speaking each other's language. Do you, do you, because I saw your dog, cute little dog.

Thank you. Are you a big fan of animals in general? Are you an animal guy? Not enough to be a vegetarian, but enough to where like I go meatless some days. Oh, that plays a role in it? Yeah. Wow. Yeah, I just, they're so, you know,

they're so. You've ever been to a slaughterhouse? Yeah, the Denver end of February. But no, I've seen videos. Yeah, it's awful. I went to one. You're probably fine with it, though. You live a man life.

I mean, it didn't stop me from meeting me that day. You have hunted, right? The only time I went hunting, I was 16. I haven't hunted since in a long time. What stopped you? Did something happen? No, I was friends. I was in Florida.

I was a bunch of rednecks, and they were like, you want to come hunting? and it wasn't like, it wasn't the type where I have friends who like, I'm going out on a hunt and they go into the mountains or the woods and it's like a three-day thing where they're, you know, tracking an animal. And then they, they use an arrow or a rifle and they dress it and they bring it all back. Like, it wasn't like that. This was just like, I don't know how many acres in Florida. And we were out on a hunting buggy and the guy had like a 271 rifle shooting hogs, like wild hogs. Oh, on a buggy, isn't that kind of? cheating and evil? I don't, I wouldn't know. Just like I'm picturing on a golf cart just shooting golfers. No, it's like an elevated

picture like five foot tires and the vehicle has an exposed top like there's no doors on it so everything's exposed and yeah. Do you guys kill like slaughter the animal and eat it and stuff? In that one they did but I have friends that that's how

that's how they eat. That's what they do is they just hunt and eat what they kill. I think is a very respectable thing to do. You know, as like, you can go to the supermarket or you can be like, I hunted this and I'm eating it. So, yeah. I think it's a bit of a bummer how easy meat is. So how farmed it is. And I'm not educated in this at all other than videos I've seen enough that really turns me off. It's awful. It's awful. Now, I went to the, I went to that slaughterhouse also I was like, comedy works. I was like 14. I was pretty young, man. And they took me to this

slaughterhouse, which was very gross. Did it scare you? It was, it made me like, it's not fun to see how it's done. Yeah. I think that should be something that everyone at least watches a video. I feel like if you're going to work in a restaurant anywhere, you should at least be a host for a couple of months. And here's the thing. I think if you had the option, if you're like, what would you rather, like, if you go, I need to have, I need to eat meat and you had the option of going slaughterhouse or go hunting, you'd probably feel better about yourself going hunting. That's an interesting.

I don't know. That's interesting. Yeah. Because, well, hunting, are you saying slaughterhouse? Yeah, fair. I'm saying, I thought you were saying, like, after the animal's killed to watch it being butchered, I think would be easier. No, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, part's fine. I'm saying that, like, at a slaughterhouse, it's like, it's a camp.

And then, you know, they walk them in, and, like, fucking thing goes right in the head and then pulled up by their leg. It's not. And some of the lives that they live before that. And, you know, veal is just baby cows, and they're being held up by their legs so they don't get fat, are strong. Fuck, man. It's just, so, like, there's a lot of meats I don't eat, but I haven't gone completely meatless.

I know. It's crazy. And then this is the thing, it does, it does affect me and it makes me, like, go, like, I don't like this. I'll still eat meat today, you know. Yeah, but like, like, like this. I hate that they fucking did this. I'm like, I don't like that this fucking happened.

I'll just eat it. I, but that is how it is sometimes. Like, sometimes, like, sometimes it does happen like, oh, I can't have meat now because this is like the way my mind is. But then that, that'll kind of happen once I've, already like made the food. Yeah. And I'm like, I have the food.

So I'm like, I hate that this happened. But like, I got to eat it. I know. I know, dude. It's fucking good. Thrown away meat. That one's tough for me. I know.

Just thinking about like the animal that it's like, I thought I was going to eat you, but I didn't. Sorry. I almost hate how much I love it. Do you know what I mean? How much you love meat? God. Yeah.

It's, it's in our DNA. I know. I just fucking love it. I don't fuck with snakes, though. Like this shit. These guys. that are willing to like fuck around. And see then, then, real quick, bite to the thumb.

Wait, is that really a dead person? Not yet. Does he die? Yeah. Why are we showing this? I don't want to watch this. I know you do this stuff. I don't want to watch this.

What do you mean this stuff? This stuff. I've never seen this before. This kind of stuff. We're watching somebody dying from a... What are you talking about? What does that say? You can read that language, can't you?

Oh, he's not really dead. No. Okay. It says he's not really dead. He defanged. He defanged him and it was all of that. He's fucking fine, dude. Jesus Christ.

Sometimes you just have to see something different, you know? That's just a calf massage. He's just getting his calf massage. Dude, I get that way sometimes on my calves. I do. I don't know why. I get massages constantly and I love it hard. Sometimes I'm on my, I'm not like that, but sometimes on the calf, I'm like, ah, ah, ah.

Yeah, take it easy. Yeah. This angle, too, of that, this contraption for fixing ankles is, crazy. I'm not even going to look at it. Why? You know, I've never, I talked about this. Maybe on a podcast recently, I don't remember how it came up, but just, I never saw your dunk. I never watched the video. I won't watch the video. Like, I don't want to see that stuff. It's bad. It's bad. I don't like that kind of stuff. I hear you. I hear you. Hold on. All right, how about this stuff here? Wait a minute. How about this? This is, this is like, no, no, this is going to be funny.

It might not be, but it also might be. It's a, I haven't seen any of these videos. They gather, They gather a bank of videos every week. Yeah. And they give me in this specific folder, and it's either horrible where you go that wasn't good, or it's very, very funny. Horrible or hilarious. Okay?

Yeah. It's actually... Is I going to watch? That was not too bad. Someone jumping off a high thing. No, he fell off a cliff, but into the water. Okay. We can watch it again.

You want to see it? Okay. It's not that bad. You're not fucking with me? No, it's not. He just slips, and then he goes back and then he... Yeah, that's okay. That's okay.

But that's more than just fall. into the water. He bounced off some rocks. Okay. Okay. You know? So was that horrible? I can handle that.

Okay. I think he's okay. I have to say, I don't know how the rest of these will be, but I think maybe they'll be okay. How about this one? This is at a factory. Yeah, I don't like watching people get hurt. He's okay. He's okay.

He's okay. I look over and he's sandwiched between these boulders going, Oh! Yeah, he's all right though. Yeah. That guy's not dead. Why don't we show some of the other stuff that you do? That's just kind of like weird and gross and like a...

How about this one? Yes, sir. No, these are people getting injured. We don't know that yet. He's, he's not all right. He's not dead. Buddy, why is this stuff that people consume? I don't know.

All right, okay, all right. Okay, how about this? Let's just talk about your balls. How about this? Do you like, do you like this? This is different. No, this is different. No, how do you know?

You said you haven't seen any of them. I can see the fucking description. This isn't one of the horrible ones. I promise. I need you to know something about me. If you're lying now and the stakes seem small to you, I'll never look at you the same. I promise is not. Okay.

I promise. I promise this is not someone getting hurt or in any way whatsoever. Promise. Did you sign that in? Did you film that? That's me. Yeah. Oh, I thought that was bird.

Yeah. See, that I can handle. Hey, I didn't lie to you. That I can handle. But also, where, where, in like, who are they selling that to? You know, if that were a show, what network do you go to? Why is that a thing that you even, people find to send you? This?

Yeah, who gives a shit? I don't understand what you're saying. Why is that on the internet? What are you showing me? This guy's, like, he's a feeder, and there's guys that are aroused by how big his belly's gotten. What's a feeder mean? That his whole thing is like to gain weight and people get off by him gaining his weight.

It's interesting. It looks like his face is in his face. like his belly looks like it's different than his the rest of the body i agree no that's just the way he's and that's a kink that's a sexual kink absolutely yeah and because they're attracted to that kind of belly or they're attracted to feeding somebody while they're having sex no not i don't think it's during sex it's just they like that this that they're this guy probably has a thing where people are sending him money and then they're like eat eat more and then keep gaining weight and they like how round he's getting they like it all right i'm making sure that anything i show you here doesn't have

injury. Eat more, you know? Like, that's a job. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know if, um... Well, just, yeah, I don't, mean stuff too. I don't like, like, I see these pranks.

Listen, listen, whatever, man. I just don't, you ever see these people that do pranks and they go to supermarkets and they, like, throw stuff at people and they pretend? Yeah, I don't like that. Like, what do you do? I don't like that. I just don't find it entertaining. Okay.

All right? I don't. Okay. Do nice shit. And also, when people do videos, they say, wait for it because they know that the first 20 seconds isn't worth it. It's like cut out the 20. Cut out the 20.

And if it doesn't work without it, go back to the writer's room, you fucking cock. Everybody has a stage now and we're seeing this. Show me something that I don't have to, you know, I don't watch Home Alone.

Home Alone, the end of Home Alone is by far the best, right? The end of Home Alone? Yes, same with 8 Mile. We love the end. I've never seen 8 Mile. Okay.

So the end of it, I could watch the end a million times, but the foreplay is the movie. You remember Home Alone? Of course. Great. The Sticky Bannons come in. Now it's go time.

Yeah. If somebody said, Watch home alone, but you have to wait for it. The first hour doesn't matter. I'd be like, I'm not watching it. I agree. Yes, I agree. That was when things were curated.

And now you feel like... They're not curated. But you're curating the uncurated. Yes. I'd never watch these. I don't know if these are good. But don't you think we're giving a voice to people that deserve it? I don't know.

But I know we're giving a voice to a lot of people that don't. That's true. And we're creating a demand for stuff that it's going to feed itself. All right. I'm going to show you kindness. Show me kindness. Show me the guy that goes around England. and giving old people flowers.

Okay, we don't have anything like that. But I'll give you a few that have no injuries or cruelty. Okay. Okay? And then you tell me if any of these resonate with you. Okay. Fair? All right.

I haven't seen any of these, but I can tell. You haven't categorized by cruel. No, no, no. I can tell by the folder that it's in that it's not a devastating life-ending injury. Tell me what the folder is. Like, what does it say? Well, I'll tell you right after it. Oh, this is a secret?

Well, I mean, if I told you, because it's a, Just the name of the... I get it. Okay. I get it. Yeah, one, one, 30. You must get a lot of hate with that name, huh? The name, your name?

My name? Yeah. Oh, yeah, you must get a lot of hate with that, huh? I like it for a couple reasons. It's funny. It's one, on its own it works. Two, the guy who's, you could tell by his voice, he means it. Yeah, yeah.

He's like, I know you're not a Jew, so it's okay. But there's a lot of people that, like, don't know for sure. And like, that's a dangerous thing to be right now. It's pretty funny. You're a Jew, are you? Yeah, and she's like, and he's like, yeah, right? It's almost like she's learning that there's another way that her name is interpreted, too. Yeah.

Okay, how about this? Oh, no, you won't like that. Hold on. How about, see? I'm putting it together. All right. How about this? This is pretty cool.

I usually just like to start with a few fingers. And then you don't know if they're experienced 50, there's going to, four fingers are going to slip right in. Yeah, yeah. But some people aren't easy to open. up like that, you know. So they do need the two-finger stroke nice and slow. He's writing it down. They open up until a third one, you know, and then into a fourth one. Any? Now, like my grandma says, now this I like. This you like. Yeah. I like it because it's not showing something that we didn't need to see and they're not putting something on. I think they really are having a conversation.

They really are. Yeah. This guy's really teaching about how to fist. Well, how to know when to fist. Very different. When you first start, make sure you're... Oh, and how. And how. and then if you're going to then start to use the punching style, make sure your thumb is in. I would never like this. I mean, neither. I guess because maybe this is, you don't want to. What can happen if the thumb is out?

Good question. Like sometimes it could just, like maybe the end of the hole is here and you get stuck. You get stuck. That's important. So it's the opposite of giving a thumbs up. Very true. I'll give you a thumbs up to put your thumb under. Under.

This is, I remember learning at a very young. age, you don't want to throw a punch like this. Yeah, you definitely don't. Yeah, you definitely want that out. Yeah. I mean, Chris Hemsworth, though, would appreciate this, probably. I mean, now this I like. See? See, I found the sweet spot. Yeah. Show me some more. Show me some more where people are being authentic. Okay. Let's see that. Oh, here, this guy's seen it. I haven't seen it, but he seems authentic.

Hey, baby. Daddy's back. Daddy just wanted to ask you a question. Do you think you're too good for Daddy or something? Because, I mean, Daddy has skills. If you don't want to see the skills, that's okay. But they'll always be here. Daddy can lick it like a lollipop. I can do more, but I'm a magician never reveals the secrets.

It's like you when I asked what kind of folder it was in. Yeah. See, this is fine, this doesn't make me upset, but this, I don't need, I don't need to, you need it. He needs to send this to whoever he's talking to. There's a whole lane of people who don't know. that they need to send it to somebody. And not just throw it out there.

Well, because they think sometimes they'll be like, you know, Melissa, I got something to say, and they're just posting it. And you're like, yeah, you should send that to Melissa, dude. What's the best case scenario for him? In what? In this world, by throwing this out on, where was this? This is a TikTok, not, I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. Best case scenario is someone like, you know what? I'm curious what other skills you do have. Let's meet up. That is by far the best case. And then is he going to care? I mean, and I'm just going to keep, I'm just going to, I'm going to keep it a hundred. Yeah.

Okay. Keep it. Yeah. There's probably a good chance that whoever he's attracted to is not a good looking person. I know this is a mean thing to say, but I'm just saying like, when you throw out that on the internet, the people that are like, oh, wow, I want to meet you, they're probably not meeting a lot of people in their real life.

They have a very specific look, a very specific thing. they're probably an ugly person. So an ugly person might respond to this and be like, oh, I would love for you to eat me out or suck me or something. And is he going to be like, oh, even though you're ugly and I don't know you, I would love to do that. Yes. Yeah.

You know, I guess some people will eat in any restaurant. I don't think he's going to be like, you're not up to my standards. And if you're whoever this is is watching, I would love to know the answer to that because you're throwing yourself out there blindly. I don't know what you want. I got to say, for his unique appearance,

he has a lot of confidence in what he's saying. He's like, Daddy's back and here's all my fucking tricks. He's a regular-looking person to me with the exception of what he's doing with his shirt off. I think he's a regular-looking person. You think that's a regular-looking guy. I think that looks like people. I think he's a little heavier than average.

Hair. You know what's funny that you say that? You say and you think that's bad hair? I know. I just said it's not. I think that someone, he needs to do something with that hair. That's great hair. It's great hair if he does something. I know.

Yeah, he's got great hair. You know what? Pull up a mirror and do a side by side. That's the same hairline. Amir K, in case you don't remember. Look at that. The only difference is he's a little darker. Yeah. And he's a little bit more in shape. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Well, I'll say this. You're giving a lot of confidence to this guy. I think that's a good thing. And while you're at that confidence, find somebody that you're interested in that you think might be interested in and you send it to them. Yeah. Yeah. Let's see if this has something here for you. I don't know. I don't know what this is yet. I know it's not someone dying. Okay, hold on. Okay. Let's just see. Some damn Asian girl keeps putting her masturbation videos on my FYP. Well, this is kind of interesting because you're trying to find an Asian. And this guy is starting with, he's not happy.

Did you know, speaking of Jew from the airport, did you know that Jews is a thing, love Asian women and food? Wait, what? Jews have a lot, a lot of times if there's an Asian woman with a white guy. He's Jewish? And if he's not, a Jew is jealous of him. Really? Jews love Asian women. It's like a thing.

I did not know this. This is a longstanding thing? So it's something that I noticed. And then I heard, I'm like, oh, I noticed that. And then, like, I've asked some of my Jewish friends. Does it add up to you? Yes. And it's not something I could say is like...

Not purely fetishing, fetishizing these women. You're saying that there's just... I've always been attracted to Asian women. But can you go beyond the physical, like, attraction? you think there's characteristics. I don't know. I don't know. I mean, maybe, and I'm, I'm just pulling at straws, sticks here. Yeah. That maybe there's something to like the neuroses of a Jew and the, like, the way that the Asian culture is so respected. That's what I'm talking about. That's what I'm talking about. And like, no shoes, don't touch, wash your hands. I don't know,

maybe. But I'm just saying from a, for me, from a physical standpoint, I just, an Asian, I'm just so attracted to Asian women. Is this, it's something about the way you're saying it, feels like it's a new revelation. Have you always been attracted? For as long as I could remember, yes. You have. Okay. And I think it's separate, but also Jews love Asian food. I remember my grandma even told me, like, if you're out someplace, like, not home and you're looking for a good Chinese restaurant, look for where, like, the Jews are. Like, you know, if there's like a city and a town in Brooklyn with a lot of Jews, there's going to be a good Asian restaurant around there. Really? Yeah. See, I always go for, look for where there's no white people if you're looking for an ethnic food.

In other words, that's fair. You know, if you want sushi, you go to like where you see a lot Asian people eating. Yeah, Brisbane. There you go. Yeah. Hell yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I've heard that when you're traveling in a foreign country where you don't know much and you know what to eat, go where the locals are eating. I've heard that. That's a good expression. Yeah. I don't know if it's an expression more as like just a little advice. I mean, little insight. Yeah, it's good advice. Well, let's start this from the beginning.

The first mistake is, I am a damn Asian girl keeps putting her masturbation. Because she's not doing that. On my FYP? What's that mean? For you page. So like when you're looking at a thing, it's what the algorithm thinks you want. Does he think that she's putting it there for him?

It's kind of like when people leave comments on my clips and be like, why does this fucking Jew keep coming up on my algorithm? I'm like, because you're commenting. Yeah. You're engaging. Stop looking it. It's crazy how much comedy fans hate Jews. What?

Yeah? You guys are like the fucking. Well, you guys. You guys. Jews. You're like the fucking All-stars of comedy. I also think there's a lot of people who are comedy fans that think they're being funny by saying shocking stuff. I don't... I think it's a lot of that, but like,

oh, Jews thinks he's funny or blah, blah, blah, blah. This Jew thinks he's funny. Really? Dude, come on, this is your business. I'm fucking talking like that's crazy. I mean, I almost want to curate some screen grabs for like... I know, but that's an insane comment to leave. This Jew thinks he's funny. Crazy thing to say. That's a word for word.

Also, a lot of people say the only reason I'm in this business is because I'm a NEPO baby. My dad sells rugs. He did. Yeah, I know. Why do you think you're on tour? Because he retired. Is that the business? Yeah.

What is it? Marshall? Marshall Rug Gallery. That's how you got this gig. The only reason he gets those guests is because it's parents, parents were in the business. What percentage of comments on comedy have some version of, like, Jewish? Well, it depends on the channel. Okay.

So what's the, how does it break down? Like YouTube more or Instagram? No, I'm saying like, I don't know what this is. I know that like if I'm on, when I'm on Kill Tony. Well, now you've given the formula. So that's different. Yeah, but just because someone's like, oh, I have permission to say Jew, if they're in there, they're going to do it. No, no, I'm saying they're going to find this audience is going to find the humor in the fact that we're talking about this and dial it up.

for this episode. I don't think in on a normal episode. I think I could tell the difference between a bad joke and a hateful one. Yeah, I think so too. I think it's very obvious.

So what, kill Tony a lot? Yeah. And that's not me throwing shade to kill Tony, truly, because also when you have millions of people watching, there's gonna be a lot more Jew haters than when you have 200,000 watching.

Exactly. But I do think on there, there is a lot of people who are, who just, yeah, they don't like Jews. Crazy. There's a lot of people that don't like Jews. Also, and I think they associate Jews

with what their identification of liberal means. Yeah. And their identification of liberal is different than a Democrat. It's just like... And there probably is something to... They're dialing up how they're viewing Jews with the situation for the last whatever two years in Israel. So they're conflating the Jew.

And they probably also only think it's been two years going on. Well, you know what I mean? The war. Yes. The war. This one. Yes. This one. Absolutely.

I also think that like that if you don't like somebody you're going to be mean to a thing that you identify like I without naming any culture truly could be any you're driving and somebody cuts you off and you see if it's a race or a gender whatever it is there's a part of you that like is

fucking what's like why do women allow to get the driver's license or whatever is you think like you don't really mean that but you hate that person for a second so you say the mean thing that's true when you're angry I think I think people when a comedian goes on their podcast. I'm here for Tom.

Who's this fucking Jew? Or who's this fucking black guy? Who's this fucking black girl? Whatever it is, they're going to hate you because they don't like, if they don't like you. If they don't like you. If they don't like you. Or they'll be like, you know what?

It's not a bad Jew. Yeah. I like this black girl. Yeah. Which is like, you know, that's always nice. So it's my responsibility as well to represent Jews and fake Nepo babies. You're doing a great job.

I don't know. I mean, like, I don't want to watch people if they're, if they're being pranked and it's mean. That's fine. That's a normal, healthy view of things, I think. I absolutely do not like Asian women. Hey, this is not a Rick Glassman guy. Also, you know he does. That's like homophobes saying they don't like gays because they're ashamed of themselves. Yeah. Well, he's been turned down by an Asian woman. They're all over is for you, page, buddy. Yeah. Why do you think that they're there? You've been engaging with these Asian pages. fucking guy. I don't want to give them any more. I think that's enough for him. This one's called cop Tom. That's all I...

Cop. What? Cop Tom. My name. I don't know. You'll see. Ashley's lighting her hair out fine. I get it.

If Ashley didn't have a warrant, she wouldn't have new charges. It does kind of look like me. Yeah. If she didn't have a warrant, she wouldn't be going to jail. And she wouldn't be sleeping on a sidewalk right now. So don't be Ashley.

That's pretty good. It did start with Ashley's letting her hair on fire. I was going to say that's what they call a hook in social media. Uh-huh. You're supposed to start with... The thing at the beginning. It's because... Ashley's lighting your hair fire.

And then to show the lighting of it happened. Holy shit. Ashley's lighting her hair out fire. Jesus Christ. It does look a lot like me. I'll give you guys that. A lot of times they send stuff they go, this is Tom.

It's just a guy with a beard. And I'm like, that's just a guy with a beard. But sometimes it does, actually. You don't have that many distinguishing qualities, though. No? No. You have glasses. You have a shaved head and you have a beard.

Anybody that has three of those things and white. Yeah. I think you show me a white guy with thick black rimmed glasses, a beard and a shaved head. Yeah. I think you should call them Tom. Really? Yes, I think so. Type, just Google search, white guy black glasses, beard and balls.

Take the glasses out of it. Take glasses out of it. Okay. I mean, the glasses make, do it, you know, like you glasses. I know, but if you just go like. White guy bald, uh, short beard. Yeah, Tom's all over the place. See.

It's a gray beard. Make it say gray beard. Okay. A little penis with little penis. No, no, no. If I come up first, okay. So. Short gray beard.

Short gray beard. Yeah, absolutely. That could be you. I don't think so. I don't see it even. See, that's the thing is that I think when it's your face, you go, yeah. That's what you've become. Like, that's your next, that's your next.

Yeah, but when the thing is that people are missing, like distinguishing feet, they just go like, yeah, it's a bald guy with a beard. You're like, yeah, we don't have the same face at all. Like, our nose isn't the same, our cheeks aren't the same. Like, I don't see the similarity. Other than the guy doesn't have hair. Okay, check this out. If that guy was a famous guy that, and they're making a biography film about him, you would be in the running to be able to cast to play him. Agreed. That's what I'm saying. You could play him. They could play you. I'm not going to, is that Tom? I'm not confused. Right, right, right. I know what you're saying. Okay. But I just get, I get sent, they're like, I saw your doppel ganger today. It's just like a guy with a beard. I get tagging a lot of stuff.

Why? I can take a lot of stuff. Is this you? This is a Jew and he was just like you. I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about, man? Okay, this one, let's see if this one's fun. All right, let's just try this one. The night that my father bought me a prostitute was the night was the night that he ceased being my father and became my best friend. But only did he want to talk about what the experience was like. But he then suggested that we go to the casino and gamble all night. And let me tell you why these two things are a problem. Children need parents. They don't need best friends. When my dad introduced me to prostitution and gambling, it became an, issue for me. He normalized it for me. I want to speak to the fathers that are watching this video. Please do not buy your son's prostitutes and please don't take them gambling. I got to disagree with that. I think it's one of the most loving things the father can do. I think this kid's this guy's a loser. Do you think that maybe depends on the age of the son though? Yeah, I mean, you shouldn't do it when they're seven. What's the age? To take them gambling? Prostitute and gambling. Prostitute's maybe a little over the line, okay? Yeah, if this This was just gambling?

Yeah, I'd be like... Let's say it's just gambling. Yeah. You think that's crazy? I think it's crazy. Like, look, if you take your kid, your son gambling... I love going to the casino with my dad. That's what I'm saying.

And like, if the son develops a gambling problem, you're going to feel like you got your kid into a gambling problem. There's a chance, there's a good chance, though, that if the father introduced the son to gambling and prostitution, the father has a gambling problem. And that addiction is genetic. I think you're... You might be right there.

I think the prostitution thing's insane. Because I also feel like a kid should, like, in my opinion, you should have zero knowledge of your dad's sexual preferences, what he likes, like that shit. It should not be in the conversation and vice versa. I don't want to know what makes my dad dick hard. And I don't want to talk to him about it. I don't like that shit.

So I'm with him on that. But the gambling thing, I think, is he's tying the two together. This is the first time I've ever really seen you. Really? Yeah. I don't think you've been putting on a fake, but I saw you as a kid just now. Oh, okay. Good. I bet you there's a lot of guys that don't care about telling their dad how they get boners.

So there's something going on. I just think it's like it's inappropriate. I agree. But like I didn't, where's your inappropriate line? And that is so PG-13 to me. Really? A guy that does and talks about the stuff you do,

like I don't want my dad to know what gets about. Everything. You talk about everything. I can't think of it, but I know you. I've watched your stuff. Like the stuff you talk about, the gaping assholes and the things.

I don't talk about. You show gaping assholes on here. I don't do that. There's something that was a gaping asshole thing. I don't believe that's true. I don't think so. Really? I think so.

How big a gaping assholes? No, there was something about an asshole and it was like a big asshole and there was talking about something. You guys are making fun. Like, we could fit in there. What is that? Maybe like a prolapse kind of thing. Yeah, maybe something like that.

That's possible. You just don't want to know if it gets your dad hard. Fuck, no. No. Do you want to know what makes your dad hard? I mean, I'm his son. I know. A nice pair of jugs.

Well, no, that I already know. That's what I'm saying. My dad's like, I like tits. And you're like, okay. Did your mom have? Big tits, yeah. When they met, now they're at her waist, but like when, yeah, when they met. Isn't that crazy?

Yeah. The big tits to go down like that. Oh my God. Her tits are, I think, below her waistline. Yeah. Would you rather talk about that kind of stuff with your dad or your mom? My mom, because I know it's upsetting to her to talk about that stuff. And she doesn't, she's not going to have the conversation.

It's just a, it's like, when you're a kid and you belch at the table. And she's like, you know. So like if I bring up something that's inappropriate, she's going to have that same reaction. And that's fun. That makes me laugh. So it's not.

But my dad, he might be like, yeah, I like when they have a full bush. And you're like, Jesus. Yeah. Christ, man. Okay. So it's not that you don't want your dad to have the information. It's that you don't want to connect with your dad over it.

Sexually, no. Yeah. I think probably that's like a male to male thing where I know that there's never going to be a connection. But you'd rather you'd rather talk sexual with your mom than your dad as a son. I think that's atypical. Yeah. Because I also know she's not going to engage in the real conversation. We're not going to be at a point where it's like, and I like this.

And I like, she's going to be like absolutely not, which is like, you're not really having the conversation. You're provoking. Is there also a language thing there? Because like English isn't her first language? Maybe to a degree, but I'll say it in both languages to her because I know that if I say in Spanish, it's going to bother her even more. Yeah.

So, yeah, I'll do that too. I love to upset her. You know, yeah. That's kind of a thrill. Do you do that? It's an operational cost is upsetting my mom. I don't want to upset her. I want her to laugh.

But depending on her mood and the pocket that I'm sitting in, I go too far. But I always want her to think what I'm saying is funny. I like my mom to laugh too. It's fun to make her laugh, but it's very fun to upset her because it makes me laugh so hard. Yeah, and then my dad laughs at that.

Yes. And then it's like, you know, Yeah. Yeah, it's fun. I have a video that's my most viral. I repost it once a year. It's my most successful piece of content ever. Ever?

And it's my mom being upset that my cousin didn't replace the cold sodas, the warm sodas with the cold sodas when he takes the sodas out. He doesn't replace it with the cold one. He doesn't replenish it. And my dad sees it. My mom's upset. And my dad starts acting really upset. Can we pull this clip up?

It's a minute. I don't know if you've seen this before. Fish. You're supposed to take the thing? the warm ones and fill it up after you finish you have one today I had one yesterday one a million yesterday you had a million yesterday but I definitely might you're supposed to replenish you take the car and refill the refrigerator I can't believe it I never have anything after you've been here what if I talked to anything I talked you to replenish serious in the basement and if you went

downstairs in the basement and got a soda, what was the fucking rule? You'd replenish. Okay. What the fuck? Deity doesn't fucking replenish. No, I think. You're really mad? Yeah, because he even said, don't call my dad.

He's going to say it's a problem of bigger issues. And then he says that. So my point is, like, I don't want family members to be upset. But there's something so funny when, like, we're being silly and somebody is just getting a little upset. It makes you want to keep going. I don't know what that is. Well, I think the thing about that clip and that moment is that the realer it is.

Like the fact that it's, like, there's a little aspect of performative from your dad in the beginning, right? Where he's like, you've fucking replaced. It's all performative from my dad. Right. So you feel that. But then there's a hint of this is grounded and real. And that's what makes it. So it doesn't feel like a sketch.

Yeah. Yeah. That's why it makes it so. And in real life, too, that's a thing. Like when somebody, it's like, I know, my higher self knows, hey, relax, relax. but doesn't me to give it a little bit more. A little bit more. Yeah, that's a real thing.

It's fucking great, dude. That was fantastic. You're on tour. I want to tell people again, go see Rick Glaspen on tour. It's Ricky's on the loose tour. It's at Rick Glassman.com slash tour. Of course, there's the Take Your Shoes Off Podcast. I want to.

Black, white, Asian, Hispanic, take your fucking shoes off at the front door. I wanted to say my cities. I don't know where they all are. Austin, Cleveland, Dallas, D.C., Portland, Eugene, Oregon, as well. Philadelphia, Scotland, London, I already said those, maybe Dublin. Of course we know, there's a beautiful Asian woman in Denver. I don't know how that happens if they send in or something. No, I'm saying, put the energy into the universe and see what it gives you back.

That's all I'm saying, man. Let's just try. Yeah. You know? Inshallah. So, thanks so much for coming. And I hope you have that, you make that connection that was missed. That would be great.

You know, every time I think about her, I think about her again 30 minutes later. Yeah, I mean, I know. This is going to happen. I feel like it. I feel like it's going to happen. Thank you for coming. This was a lot of fun. And I think you're going to have some nice comments.

Thanks. And this is what I'd like to say to her as well. Yeah. Thank you for coming. I hope you had a nice time. And we're going to get some nice comments. There you go. All right.

We'll see you guys next week. Pick me as hard as you can in the balls. Take me as hard as you can. Make me as hard as you can, as hard as you can. Like a dummy.