Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - The Biggest Piece In Comedy w/Greg Fitzsimmons | Your Mom's House Ep. 776

Episode Date: September 11, 2024

Check out Greg's new special "You Know Me" on YouTube SPONSORS: - Don’t miss out on all the action this week at DraftKings! Download the DraftKings app today! Sign-up using https://dkng.co/mom or through my promo code MOM. - Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at https://shopify.com/momshouse, all lowercase This week on Your Mom's House Podcast, Tom Segura and Christina P are joined by comedian Greg Fitzsimmons! Tom and Greg speculate who's got the biggest piece of hardware in the comedy world, a discussion that renders Christina speechless! Tom and Greg also talk about how to make touring more fun, the aspects of British comedy that cannot be copied for American audiences, and keeping fresh by watching younger comics. They also talk about getting residual checks for bit parts, the best comedy towns, the Friars Club, shooting some serious rope, sleeping with siblings friends, and Greg shares an intimate story about getting milk from the source. Your Mom’s House Ep. 776 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://christinaponline.com/tour-dates https://store.ymhstudios.com https://www.reddit.com/r/yourmomshousepodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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warranty for full details. And we are back. As always, I am joined by my lovely co-host Christina hmm She's surprised Well here that's the thing that we didn't even know you just showed up. Yeah, we're like, holy shit All right, Greg Fitzsimmons is here everybody His new special you know me is out on his YouTube channel right now, so make sure you go and check that out. Congratulations on your special.

Let me tell you something. It just came out last night and it's kind of blowing up. Nice. Yeah, I had a lot of nice people promote it and Ari's podcast and just that alone. That's awesome, man. It's off and running. So I just thank you for having me on because this is the thing that does it these days. You put out your own special and then hope for you guys.

No, it's fucking awesome. I've told you this before. I love, I cannot wait to watch it. I have not watched it yet, but I love watching you do standup. When I'm in a club, nothing gives me more anxiety than watching someone do standup, except for people who I know are good.

Uh-huh, yeah. Like, whenever I'm at the improv, the mothership, and store, and you're just like, someone goes on, I gotta leave the room. It's my own anxiety, it's my own insecurities, but then I feel calm when I know somebody who knows what they're doing is up there. And I go, oh, I can watch this. I can relax and enjoy it.

And that's how I feel when you're on stage. Oh, thank you, man. That makes me feel good. You're such a good, I mean, I think about things that I've heard you say you've probably forgotten on stage because you're such a good comic. So I really can't wait to check it out.

Thanks, man. I appreciate it. And yeah, that is funny, that back of the room experience when you watch comics, because, you know, on one hand, I want to know who's new, who's good, that's coming up, you know? And so, like, the other night I sat with Adam Egan in the back of the mothership and watched the open mic night. And I mean, I forgot how much I enjoy that,

because that is when you go so deep into the anxiety that it starts to be fun. Right. That's because it's so bad though. Yeah. It's like, when it's like, notably new, like they're really new, you can kind of enjoy that too. I think it's like, there's this transition phase of like, they're not new

and they're not like super experienced vets. Yeah. And like, you start to hear, cause what actually I think is actually happening if I'm being very honest about it, is you go, oh, I've done this or do I do this? Oh, I fucking this is terrible. I think I'm doing this. Yeah. You just you go to that that place where it's like I go I want to leave the room. Well, do you do this? Because I saw a lot of this the other night. punchlines ending with and I never came so hard in my life. Oh, yeah, I've seen that. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. That's a trick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a good trick.

And then ending every line with dude or bitch. Yeah. You know what I'm saying, dude? There, don't do that, bitch. And that just gets a little punch. It's like going, here's the spot where you laugh, everybody. Or one time I remember I was with a guy on the road and I watched him and I go do you know that

And he was like way younger. So I felt comfortable like, you know Giving him I go you're saying everything you say you then you go. What the fuck? What the fuck? What I go you say what the fuck like 40 times in your 15 minute set? I go Those are like substitutes. Yeahutes for something else to say. You can't say what the fuck, all the whole set. There was a guy who did, he ended every line with, if he was doing a joke about blow up dolls, he would say blow up doll 12 to 15 times in the joke,

just keep saying it. And then he would end, he'd do the punchline, then he'd go, blow up dolls, y'all. Yeah. Like a hashtag almost. Yeah, yeah. Like a live hashtag. It's like, and what it is is like those,

when you're doing that, it's, you're still in the, I'm figuring out how to do it. Yeah. But you don't, you're not even aware. Because you're like, well, I gotta laugh, so that must be good. And you're like, it's not good. You have to get past this.

But I think it's actually... I mean, when I told that guy, I could tell he was like, oh shit. But he thanked me. The next day, he was like, I was looking at what I wrote, and he was like, thank you for telling me that. Dude, that's bold, because I find that I do that with my openers sometimes,

and I feel resentment. You know, you really, it's hard to tell people about their act, you know. Especially features, if it's an MC, then they're fresh enough where they're still open to it. But a lot of time, features have been doing it for 15 years and they're like kinda going, I should be the headliner.

You know, this guy just is lucky enough to be. But your act, you have no hooks or tricks. You just get up there and communicate. It's very rare. And your energy is normal. I mean, it's almost your hook is that you are so unadorned with bullshit. Maybe. I don't know. I have no idea. That's the thing. I have no idea. You never know really how you're perceived.

You know what I mean? So it's interesting to hear. I think you like guys like you and Nate Bregazzi, like just come out and just do it. Yeah, I mean I'm really happy right now with this tour and this hour because I pulled back on the number of dates and it's made it fun again. I think I got to the point on the last tour where it was, you know,

25 shows in a month. Yeah. And like, you know, I don't know, 17 cities and you just go like it's not fun. Yeah. It's not, you're not like, I'm excited and like right, the pacing of it makes it that every weekend is fun. So you, what do you go out like Thursday to Saturday kind of thing? Yeah, and I do it like usually two to maybe three weekends. That's exactly my schedule. And that key, and so like every time I'm on the way to the venue, I'm excited to go.

And you fly home and you got all day Sunday with the kids, which is the best. I worship Sundays. I always am on the first flight home on Sunday morning. Like Joey Diaz says, you know what kind of fucking loser goes out on a Sunday? I'm like, no, I didn't know that. That's right.

No man, Jesus Christ told you to take the day off and he's the guy. He was telling clubs, I don't work Sundays 15 years ago. I'm like, how do you have the juice to do that? That wasn't an option for me. He's like, you just tell them. I go, yeah, I told them. They're like, yeah, you're doing Sunday.

I'm like, they're not. Yeah, he had big dick energy before he was big. He'd always be like, flight jet blue mint. I'm like, you're headlining a 200 seat room. What are you spending all the money on your flight home? Yeah, I don't know dude. You probably sold a brick and then you used that for the flight, I don't know.

Yeah, right. Yeah, it's like how are you doing this? Yeah, but no, it is fun watching new comics too because you kind of don't want to get left behind and I feel like I do want to see what styles people are doing now. That's true. And I kind of feel like I do want to see what styles people are doing now. That's true. And I kind of feel like there's certain clubs

I go back to and I feel, like if I feel out of touch, like Largo in LA. Like if I go there and I don't do well, I go, oh, I'm a dinosaur. I'm not current with. And then do you like look at your, like do you address everything? Do you start thinking about it? I just try to get back to more honest again. I just try to go back And then do you like look at your, like do you address everything? Do you start thinking about it?

I just try to get back to more honest again. I just try to go back to what do I wanna say that embarrasses me? Like what's the thing that I- That's what always works in the, kinda like the comedy savvy rooms, right? Like I always, you feel like a fraud in a Largo or what was the old comic book?

Nerdist that nerdish show I used to love to do that Uh-huh, and all you had to do was be vulnerable Mm-hmm if you made fun of yourself in some way at the top your set would be like I mean like you're riding a wave it was bright but if you come in with some contrived shit or if you you're like, if you're lashing out, you know, you could only lash out at like a higher power. Yes. You can't just like lash out. Yes.

That audience will pull back. And that's the thing I've also found with like, you know, working down, not Austin, because it's not, it's so, you know, gentrified, and there's so many people from other places. But when I go to like El Paso and I start thinking about, oh, I can't do my anti-gun joke or whatever, I go, shut up, pussy.

Where else are you gonna do it? Are you gonna wait until you're surrounded by people that all agree with you? This is where you want the pushback. I want somebody to yell at me because of it and then fight it out and have a joke that's strong enough that it's gonna work no matter where it goes. And then you can really, like you find yourself leaning into it. So every time I do Canada, I was just in Canada,

they always have a little, they pull back for notably more on any bit about race. Uh-huh. Oh really? Yeah, they're just more sensitive to it. Yeah. You know, it's a more, I don't know if you want to say PC culture, but they just, it's not like, it doesn't feel, that's the part where you're like, Canada is just like doing the States, right? Then you get to certain subjects where you're like, oh no, you could feel it. But what I love about a crowd that does that is that it basically sets you up to test that bit. Because then you lean in really hard and you can like make fun of them for their reaction in the moment.

And then if the bit is good, it works even better. Like it creates like this, you pull the pin kind of thing in it. Or it doesn't. Or it bombs. I saw this guy named John Tobin who runs the Boston, Laugh Boston. And he said, Bill Burr was in town Boston, Laugh Boston, and he said,

Bill Burr was in town doing the Wilbur Theater. And he goes, can I swing by? Cause him and John are old friends. He goes, great, but I just gotta let you know, it's like, it's a PTA private show. It's all women. And he was at the height of his like, you know, housewives think they have the hardest job in the world

and it's the easiest job in the world. And he leans into that and they are fucking booing and he's going, hey, I don't give a fuck. Hey, this is funny. You don't get this. It's fucking, you're proving my point. And he just like, he got off stage and he goes, that was the best feeling I've had in a long time.

Yeah, because you know what it is? Like when that does happen, when they go, no, and he goes, that was the best feeling I've had in a long time. Yeah, because you know what it is? When that does happen, when they go no, and you're doing it, and you're hitting your lines and they're booing, is it makes you feel dangerous. And that's a rush, because you go, I've done this, I believe in this, and they're booing, and I'm right.

Yeah. So you kind of feel like a badass. And you find those faces that are on your side, and they're allies, and now you're playing just to them. And it kind of brings me back to the dinner table. Like, you know, I started being, like a lot of us, we started being comedians at the dinner table. And it was always like my sister,

she would sit next to me, and I would say shit that was outlandish, she would horrify everybody, and I'd see her like giggling or spitting her milk. It was all about making Deirdre laugh. Yeah, that's awesome. It is. It's like it happens at the table first. Was yours like that? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. And I mean, sometimes I would just go for jokes at the table.

And, you know, it's three women. It was like my mom and my two sisters. And they would be upset, and my dad would just go, come on Tommy, just stop. I'd be like, it's good, right? He's like, it's not for them, Tommy. Yeah, right, right. It was fun, yeah.

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doing a study of comedy and like what the greatest joke is of all time. And they got like 40,000 submissions and people voted. And you want to know what the number one joke was? It's super bland, I'm guessing, or no. Guy goes to the doctor's office and the doctor checks him out and he goes, it's not good. And the guy goes, well, how bad it is?

He goes, you don't have a lot of time. And the guy's like, well, how much time do I have? And the doctor goes 10. And the guy's like well, how much time do I have and the doctor goes 10? and the guy goes 10 months 10 weeks and that goes 10 9 8 That's a good fucking joke. Yeah. Yeah, that's a good joke. Yeah, that was in England. It was in England I think that it would be a different joke here. Oh

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, there's no cripples in that. I think that it would be a different joke here. Oh yeah. Yeah, there's no cripples in that joke. Yeah, yeah. There's no... Cause they always, they'll go dark and they'll go ironic and they'll lean into... Clever. Clever.

Yeah, yeah. Now you watch British comics like, cause they all go to that Edinburgh Festival and that's the way they develop their act. And when you're there, you do a month in one theatre and you work on one set and it's usually very thematic. You know, like it'll be something really weird. Like a guy, you know, has this comic book collection from when he was 11 and he does an entire hour about how that relates to Christianity. And you're like, I'm just telling dick jokes about how I fart in front of my wife.

You know? Yes. Yeah. It's kind of intimidating because some of them are so smart. I know. You know, Jimmy Carr. Yeah, really smart. Dude, that guy is so solid.

Yeah, he is. His joke writing is, it is incredible. Yeah. I mean, yeah, there's a, I don't know, like I also think about show, like with all the shows that Gervais has written, I'm like, man, these are, they're so good. Yeah.

Like his writing is, I loved the British office. That's how I- My kids, I can't get them to enjoy it. It's a superior show. I don't think it's without question. Every time I would meet people here and they would be like, huh? Yeah.

I was like, oh yeah, I tapped out of the US one. Because I was a huge, huge fan of the British one. And it's not that I don't think that, you know, Correll or any of these people are talented, or I do, but like as a show, though that British one is, it just, it set the table in a way where I was like, oh, I can't, the other one just doesn't work for me. Yeah, it just, it feels like a serialized version of it.

The other one almost felt like it was an event and then the office felt like after a while, I mean, just there's too many seasons. The Brits get it right. They do three great seasons and they're out. Extras? I mean, dude, when David Bowie is in the bar. I just watched that clip. Somebody posted on Instagram like this week and I hadn't seen it since I saw the show live and it was like it induces tears tears tears it says silly little fat man like so what he's like I'm an actor and you know I got this show but it's you know I mean it's so like it's like it's like it's a sitcom and it's just not that fulfilling and he's yeah and he just looks at it and he's like, little fat man.

And Gervais is like, the little, he's like, and then he just turns to the piano, little fat man. And he's like, oh no. And he comes up and he's riffing, he's like no. And then Gervais is like, yeah no. He's like, chubby little loser. He just starts riffing on how to call him a sad fat sack of shit.

Yeah, and the best is they keep Gervais in frame so that you can see him looking like, like just nervous and uncomf, like he, oh my God. And then the, you know, David Bowie's got his black, hot girl sitting around him. Like they just nailed it. And he's trying to come, he's like fatty or fatso? And then Gervase's friend's like, I like fatso.

He's like, the fuck, man? Yeah. It's so, it's. The whole bar is singing by the end. It's fucking brilliant. Oh my God, yeah. And the girl in that is amazing. The one who plays his best friend.

Fantastic. What a layered, interesting character. And she's trying to act too. She has that amazing scene with the, oh my God, what's that, like that good looking British? Hugh Jackman? No. Not Hugh Jackman.

The guy that was in, what is, fuck. He was in one of the born identities and then he was in the, what's the Cont continental? Is that what it's called the international? the international No, no, he's not gonna be a cast member type in the international That film what's that actor's name? It's him Clive Owen. She has a scene. Yeah, yeah, right, right Clive Owen scene

He's like the director is like talking to Clive and then he's like and then this girl comes in and like you You'd had sex with her that night. He goes I wouldn't fuck And the directors like no, he's like well, what about if I take some mud and I like throw in her face And the director's like, no. He's like, well, what about if I take some mud and I throw it in her face? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

And you can see she still has hope in her eyes. She's like, oh. They're at the whole thing. Yeah. This is what it's like to be an actor. Right. Yeah. Did you ever do extra work?

Was I ever an extra in something? I don't think I worked as an extra. I mean, I've had the one line parts, you know, yeah Yeah, but that extra stuff feels what was your one line? Oh my god. It always got cut down to it Was always like you have seven lines. Yeah, and then they'll you have five three one. Yeah Shit like I even did like a full scene a couple times where this is the most embarrassing. Where like I had a scene on workaholics with the three guys and you know, like they come up and I'm like the, I have like a, I'm like a, a drunk bus driver, like a parrot on my head and like, you know, like in costume. And it's all about like getting them on the bus and you know, you shoot the scene for however long and whatever, you have fun.

And then I told everybody and they cut the scene. Oh no. But nobody, they're like, did I miss you? Did you like walk by? I was like, oh my God. Oh, that's brutal. That was brutal. Then another time I did a sitcom,

I did Jay Moore's, like Gary Unmarried. Oh yeah. And I did a couple times, and then the same thing, where I was like, I'm on the sitcom, and then I had my lines, and then they cut it to just like entering. Oh my God. So then it looks like I told everybody,

watch me enter the scene. Like, I'm like promoting me walking in. And I was like, yeah, and they're like, good job on that. I was like, thank you. Dude, you got to put that on your website. You're real. You're acting real. Just like, you know, uh, workaholics and just nothing.

Black screen. Yeah. Yeah. Um, yeah. And then there was another one. I don't remember the name. It was a ABC single camera show where that does air and people do catch it. They catch it. They catch me doing it What was that show called? Happy Endings? Yeah, people catch that where I was a like a paparazzi guy

I think yeah, and I had let's say three lines and they cut it down to like what like just me saying like what and People still will message me, I saw you on the episode. Yeah, yeah. I did, there was a show called Santa Clarita Diet, and I played a cop and I had a whole scene where I like bring them over to a garage and I open it up and there's a reveal

and then I'm yelling at people and then it aired and it was just me opening the garage. That was the whole thing. That's it, yeah. And you're like, everybody check me out tonight? Yeah. It hurts, dude. Yeah, yeah.

But you know, you still get paid. You know, like I did one episode of CSI, like the CSI early on. I get checks once a week to this day from one episode. I mean mean they're small, but they were big for a long time. Do you ever think about what those? Residual checks must be like just the residual stuff for like a Tom Hanks Yeah, you know I mean like where the guy has this this huge career These are movies that are 20 years old like what just comes in Yearly on that. Yeah

And then you get the actors that are smart, like Keanu Reeves that go like, all right, just give me a few million, but give me a percentage of the gross. Because residual checks start to dry up. You get a slightly smaller percentage every time it re-airs. But when you got a percentage, it just keeps coming in. His Matrix money?

Yeah. Fucking wild. Dude, but he apparently gives it back. He'll like give the crew, he'll give everybody on the crew like 10 grand. It's crazy. At the end of the movie. Did you hear the story about Matt Damon in Avatar?

Do you know that story? No. So he had just finished shooting one of the Bourne movies, but it wasn't the first one, so he knew the experience of doing the Bourne movies. And it's important for the story because, Cameron calls him James Cameron calls him. I'm gonna do this movie Avatar It doesn't need a star But like I want I want you to play This you know the character and he goes well

We wrapped on Bourne, but we always have pickups. Always. Like I've done it now a few times. And so I don't wanna commit to Avatar because we have to do these, I know we're gonna be shooting pickups for like the next month. And Cameron's like, all right, well, I'll give you,

I forget, it was something like 10% of the net of Avatar. The highest grossing film internationally of all time. He goes, but as a director, producer, filmmaker, I really respect your choice on this. I get it, I would want the same thing for my movie. He's like, yeah, I I mean that's a generous offer but I'm gonna have to pass. So Matt Damon passes because he goes I know I'm gonna have to do this for Warren and then they calculated it that if he had done it he would have made 300 million from

for the offer. Yeah. Yeah it's a crazy amount of money. And then we do stand up and that's it. I know. You do the show, you get your money. And you go. And you go. I know. And that's the thing about this career is like, cause I know guys like you that are,

you're playing arenas and you're making a lot of money and I resent it. And yet I still know that you have that fear that it's all gonna go away. I don't think it ever leaves. Any minute. Yeah. I don't think it ever leaves.

Yeah, and so you take that work and you work those extra weeks and you just think this can't last, this can't last. As opposed to me, when I play my 250 seat rooms, and they're three quarter full, I go, I think I can always do this. Yeah. Well, the thing is, the part of me that,

it isn't gonna last. That's the thing. It's like, it's not just a fear. You just know that when you, when it gets to a certain point, you go, there's a window, this is a window. It's a window of time. Yeah.

You know, you don't know how long the window lasts. It's been a pretty long window, this is a window. It's a window of time. You don't know how long the window lasts. It's been a pretty long window. Eh, I guess. I mean, you've been working at this level for seven or eight years where you're playing big venues? Big venues, yeah, I guess so, but you still go, I mean, I don't think it's logical to go like,

yeah, I mean, it's not like, I think in terms, to think like this, 10 years from now, will I be moving a lot of tickets? I mean, it seems like not the kind of thing that you go, yeah, I will, don't worry about it. Like, no, I don't think like that. I think it's like, you have something, it's working for you now, do it.

I mean, I look, my dream long-term is to go like, I hope I can stay in theaters. That's what I would hope to do, like to work in the theaters into my sixties or whatever. Yeah, cause in the end, I mean, it's about the craft. It's still about having that piece of paper in your back pocket with some new bits on it and getting off and getting that rush

that you did something new. Yeah, that's it. That's the fuel. Yeah, and so it doesn't matter if there's 10,000 people out there or, you know, again, 175. It's still, you're still, I'm doing the same thing you are. It's just I'm driving home in a Prius and you've got a town car taking you to a jet. And you know, and you know, you're...

But sometimes there's small jets. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, because there's, there's light jets, what's called mids, super mids, and then heavy. Oh, dude didn't know that. Yeah, because there's light jets, what's called mids, super mids, and then heavy. Oh, dude, well, my apologies. I had this whole thing built up. And the fucking light jets, you gotta get it like this. Right, right, right.

And do you ever get to your limo and the driver talks to you more than makes you comfortable? Yes. Yeah. Right. Or they start, you know, you know, I got, they start telling you a story. I got a funny story. And you're like, yeah, yeah. You know, I just I just ate some cyanide. So if you don't mind, I kind of want my last minute to be alone.

Yeah. The stories. Oh, yeah. Well, we had a security guy, by the way, one of the security guys who's like does security venue and like highly trained guy. And then this driver was like 380 pounds. He goes, you know, I'd like to get into security. He was like, and I had to listen to the security guy go like, yeah. He's like, you think I could do that?

He's like, yeah, you probably got to do some training first. Your guy's like an ex-Navy Sea. Yeah, totally. And this guy's like, maybe drop like 250 pounds to start. Maybe do a sit up. Yeah, you sound like you're losing your breath sitting here driving. Yeah. Those are amusing though.

You get to listen to those. Yeah, yeah. I had an Uber driver because that's how I get to my commercial plane, where I fly coach. And my Uber driver going to JFK, he was from India, and he didn't have the map on his phone. He had a Bollywood movie playing as he drove me. Insane. And I'm thinking to myself, like, we're in a city. This is like high-end driving Yeah, and I was gonna give him like one star but movie was fucking good

Like they put a lot into a lot of costumes and music isn't it crazy how far like we think our Entertainment is you know the the biggest and most important Yeah, and then you look at numbers on Bollywood stuff. Right. And it dwarfs. Dwarfs us. The highest paid entertainers in the world are Indian. Yeah. Yeah.

And then another one that you learn about that you're like, holy shit, is how much bigger, I'm talking revenue-wise, gaming is than anything in Hollywood. Oh, I didn't know that. Oh my God. Day one of like a, you know like a GTA kind of level release, it'll be like day one pre-sale for this game will be like 850 million, two weeks in, it's in the billions, like dwarfing anything.

Really? Blowing it out of the water, yes. Well you know, porn was like that too. Porn was always made more money than Hollywood. And sports. Dude, look at that. 184 billion and the movie industry got 26, so about 6%.

Isn't that crazy, dude, when you look at that figure? Whoa. And now look up porn revenues in the, say in the 80s versus movies. Because. And by the way, look, that last sentence, Grand Theft Auto V, Red Dead Redemption 2, Fallout 4, Call of Duty, all earn more than Avatar.

All of them. Wow, wow. Yeah, the- Porn revenue was huge in the 80s? It was huge, bigger than Hollywood, bigger than sports, everything. Really? Yeah, and then it just went away. Like within a year. With videos?

Yeah, with videos, it just suddenly went away. And- Wait, so does that mean that like in that era, the theaters were full? Like they had to have been full, right? No, I think it was videos and- Oh, it was videos. Yeah. Oh, it was- What do you think, people went to the theater? I don't to have been full, right? No, I think it was videos and... Oh, it was videos. Yeah.

Oh, it was... What do you think? People went to the theatre? I don't know, like how did the revenue get... Oh, it was buying videos as opposed to now where it's all online. Where it's all streaming for free. It just tanked. Right. Okay.

I mean, once... I guess stepsisters and stepbrothers like used to just hang out. But when they started banging each other... It's pretty crazy. Oh, Avatar was like, who wants to watch a blue guy? Is that your favorite genre? I've gotten into it recently, but my main thing is Czechoslovakian hidden camera massage porn. Naturals. You gotta put naturals in there.

That's so detailed. I love it. But then I come here and I try to get on my ex-hamster account and they tell me I can't get on. So they go hold your face up to the camera. They wanted to photograph me to make sure I looked old enough to do the porn, which first of all, I don't even know if it's going to recognize me because I'm squinting and I look sad.

And now they've got, I don't know, when do they stop filming me? Yeah, I know, it's really weird. You know, like I was- It's really weird. And there's also 10 plus states doing this. It's not just here, it's a bunch of states who are like, no, no, hold up your ID, like to jerk off. Yeah. This is really weird. I know, it is weird.

It's very weird. If I show my ID, I wanna get on a plane, not be filmed jerking off in a hotel room. Such a sad moment. Oh my God. Do you like free use? What's that? That's a lane of porn.

Oh yeah? Yeah, it's pretty cool, I like it. Free use, what's your search? So you just type in free use, that's it, and there's just hundreds of them that come up. No, I mean, do you have a category? That's the category. Oh, I thought that was the website.

No, no, no, that's the category. So that's where like, you know, a lady's at the, I don't know, is at the dinner table. And then this guy will come in and just stick his dick in her mouth. And she just keeps like having her conversation with somebody. And then he just like has her stand and bends her over and she's just like, yeah,

I do want to go to the park tomorrow. And so he's just using people. That's so incel. Because that's how dudes that live in their basements and don't shower. It's the fantasy of, what it is, it's exploring the fantasy of like, what if you could just walk into a room

and have sex with somebody? Yeah, yeah. So it's, yeah. It's like guys that wish they could be invisible and then they would just go in shower rooms, you know? I guess that's what I'm doing. There's an extension of that. I guess that's what I'm doing too.

Yeah. I went to, I used to be a gymnast. What, really? Yeah, for like eight years, I was to be a gymnast. What, really? Yeah, for like eight years, I was a pretty competitive gymnast. No shit. Yeah. And so-

So you're a good athlete then. I'm okay. I mean, gymnasts are like, they're the non-celebrated, incredible athletes, I think. You really, I mean, you watch the Olympics and they really have the best bodies. You know? Unbelievable. Yeah, they're ripped.

But when I was in gymnastics camp, I used to go to a training camp in the summer and it was called Woodward Gymnastics Camp in Pennsylvania. And there was, I was probably 12. This is gonna sound super, as I start this story, but you could see in the girls' showers from the bushes above it, and we would, you know, upwards of 15 guys would be in the bushes watching all these gymnasts.

They were like the 16 and 17 year olds. Is it illegal that I just said that? I don't know, but I mean, you were a young guy. I'm grandfathered in, right? Yeah, you're normal. That's a normal thing. Yeah. And also you had people doing it with you. It's gonna be a big case, you know? They're gonna... Class action. Yeah. Plus we're have people doing it with you. It's gonna be a big case, you know? They're gonna.

Class action. Yeah. Plus we're fucking gymnasts, we'll beat the shit out of you. Exactly. Yeah. What was the best peeping Tom story you've ever had? I mean, I know the most like, I'm trying to think of, the most like, the biggest rush would be that I had

my older sister's friends would come over. So it's not so much that like, I don't know that I was spying so much, is like when you're of the same age, like 12, 13 and like 15 year old girls come over and you're, I guess you're in like sixth grade, they're eighth grade or something. Oh my God, it's just, you know,

you would just want to, I would just like hang out all the time. Like, what are you guys doing now? It's just, you know,, they're laying on the couch watching a movie, that kind of thing. You just kind of hope that they're wearing shorts. Yeah. You know, that whole thing was like, yeah.

Barefoot, maybe. Yeah, sure, yeah. Jesus. Did you ever hook up with one of them? When I was in college, yes. Yeah. Yeah, not like in high school, but in college. How'd that go with your sister?

Oh, I slept with best friends of both of my sisters. Oh! And they had different reactions. Really? Yeah, my older sister was like, that's awesome, what was she like? And I was like, huh? And she was like, was she good? And I'm like, this is so strange.

And then my younger sister was like, stop fucking my friends. Yeah. Like my younger sister was like, would you like it if I fucked your friends? And I was like, I don't know. But yeah, she was more upset. And then my older sister was like, that's cool. Are you going to see her again? I was like, what the fuck?

Yeah. Yeah. It was very different reactions. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, this is a cool thing that like my sisters are bringing talent home. Yeah. I was like, this is a cool thing that like, my sisters are bringing talent home. Yeah, I had a younger sister, but we had to get much older before I could have sex

with her friends, cause she was, she's 17 years younger than me. Yeah. So what, last year? That's awesome. Oh God, now it's been a long time, man. But you did, what, you did hook up with a sister's friend. Oh, God, no, it's been a long time, man. But you did, what, you did hook up with a sister's friend? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

How did she, did she know, did she learn of it? We never talked of it. She slept with my friends and I slept with her friends and we never talked of it. Oh, you guys know her? Because we're Irish. Irish people don't talk about sex. Right. You know, you're Mexican, so like that's true. You just talk freely. Yes, yeah.

Eat beans and just, it just comes out. Dance and you dance after you talk about it, right? freely. Yes. Yeah. Eat beans and just it just comes out. Dance and you dance after you talk about it. Right. It's true. Yeah. And there's a mariachi playing. It's perfect. What a culture.

I think it was when I got to the second round of their friends that my younger sister was like, this is disgusting. You need to stop. Yeah. It's a little incestual. It's a little weird. Yeah, but here's the key. This is what I found in college, is become friends with the cool girl,

and then you work, you satellite off of her. Off of her. So you have a platonic relationship. Yeah, you have a Harry met Sally kind of thing happening. She respects you, and then all the other girls see you as having the ability to form a friendship with a woman and then you exploit them. Yeah, that's true.

Yeah. That's a really good, if you're young and you're listening, if you're in college, this is exactly what you should do. And also do well because they're all gonna chat. So oral, be tireless. Yeah. Just do your neck stretches. Yep.

First, yeah. Yep, put some ice cubes on your tongue before you get down there. Really, they are gonna talk. Yeah. Yeah. And it's like, it was before there was chat rooms on the internet, there was like dorm rooms where they went, Tom will go down.

Yeah. That guy eats a lot of everything. He gets full by the end of it. But that was like cocaine sex in college where you just like oral would just go on. It was like crazy. It was like porn. So long. And now when you're, it was like porn. Yeah, so long. And now when you're married, it's like, what? No.

What do you want? For how long? I know. It's like, don't fart, come on. It's just gross. Yeah, it's like, unless we're both showering, like that's not happening anymore. I know, right?

Eating ass. Eating ass. Or even just asking her for a blowjob. It just seems like this is the woman that's like, you know, we're having dinner together and we're hanging out and all of a sudden I gotta put my dick in her mouth. Like that feels wrong. I can't even ask.

I mean, it happens once in a while, but it's never on request. No. It's gotta be her move. 100%. Yeah. The request is like her move. 100%. Yeah. The request is like, wait, what? Yeah.

You wanna do what to me? And what are you doing for me? Yeah. What do I get out of this? You want me to get nothing out of it while I pleasure you? It's not a marriage. I hear you're saying, I wanna ask for it and I don't wanna hear about your day.

Yeah. But don't tell me what you did today. Right, right, right. Pretend you're someone else. Yeah, yeah. Don't fucking put cave you did today. Right, right, right. Pretend you're someone else. Yeah, yeah. Don't fucking put caveats on it. No. That's why it's always good to do,

when you go on a hotel room together, that's when it's like, oh yeah, oral. Yeah, exactly. It's the only place there's oral. That's true. Yeah. That's why those staycations are important. Getting a hotel for the night.

Yeah, right. When I did, when my son was born, and I've told this story before, so stop me if you've heard it, but when my son was born, my mother-in-law came out and she said, all right, it's been six months, you guys go off and get a hotel room. Just, we lived in Venice, we got one in Marina Del Rey

at the Ritz-Carlton, because we don't want to waste time driving. We just want to sleep and have some sex. Because I don't think we'd had it in six months. And so we go off and she was breastfeeding at the time. And so we got to the hotel room and we had sex. And then we took a walk on the beach, had dinner, got back to the room and we're like,

should we have sex again? And we're like, I was like, yeah, let's just do it in the morning. Let's just get a long sleep, we'll have like a brunch, we'll have sex. 2 a.m., I get woken up to her crying and I'm like, Jesus Christ, I go, what are you, what are you, miss the kid, what's going on?

And she's like, no, my breasts are in gorge, I didn't, I need to breast. She goes, I didn't bring a pump. I forgot the pump. I was like, what do you mean you forgot the pump? I go, she goes, no, we gotta go home. I need to feed or pump. I'm like, we got this hotel room for nine more hours.

We're gonna eat, we're gonna have sex. I go, we can't. She's like, you don't understand, I'm dying right now. I have to be relieved. I go, pop them out. So she pops out of breasts and I put my mouth on it and I start just sucking, you know, like, and she's like, no, asshole, and she's like adjusting my jaw and pushing up the bottom of it and instructing me and she's a lactation consultant, which is the

irony of all this. So she's showing me how to do it and then I and I couldn't get and then all of a sudden just this stream this hard hot stream of like sweet it was like a it was like a chai latte going in the back of my throat and so I unlatched and I spit it out and then I'd start all over again to get the suction. She's like, no, you can't spit it out. So I start swallowing it. And I suck and I swallow and I suck and I swallow. And I'm starting to kind of get into it. I get to the second tit and I'm getting pretty into it.

And then I start, and I've got my arms around her, I start kind of rubbing against her. And then slowly we begin making love. And by the end of it, like we're both orgasming. I got milk dripping down my chin. I was like an animal. I was like, yeah! And then we fell asleep in several wet spots.

There was several wet spots in bed. And then came home the next day and she was, that my son comes up and he's like pulling on her shirt to breastfeed him like, little late asshole. And then the joke was on me because like, humans are not meant, adults are not meant to swallow that. And I had diarrhea for like three days after that. Sweet smelling diarrhea.

You drank a lot of milk. I drank probably a few ounces. Wow. Yeah. Wow. It tastes pretty good. It tastes really, you ever tasted it? I mean, I'm shocked.

A dab. Yeah. I'm shocked. Yeah, just a little. I didn't have any mouthfuls on it. Yeah. Yeah. That's incredible.

Well, it's funny when you're in college, like you gu on it. Yeah. Yeah. That's incredible. Well, it's funny when you're in college, like you guzzle beer. Yeah. And then you have a kid and like, that's your, that's the new party. Yeah, that's crazy. Yeah. That sounds like that was a very necessary trip

for you guys too at that time. Yeah. Yeah, we needed it. Yeah. Did you ever do those? Of course. Yeah. Yeah. Just didn't go far, just grab a hotel.

100%. Yeah. And the thing is, you really do go, we're gonna have this whole thing, and then you're like, we just slept 11 hours, and I think we should just go back. Yeah, right, right, right, I know. Like you have your plans, and then you're just like,

you're so sleep deprived, that you're just catching up on this big sleep deficit. Yeah, because sex, you realize like, once you have your kids, your body kinda just like, you're so sleep deprived. Yeah. That you're just catching up on this big sleep deficit. Yeah, because sex you realize like, once you have your kids, your body kind of goes like, what do you, your dick's like, what do you bother me again for? I did it. Yeah, we're done.

We're done. Yeah. I proved myself. Get into some other hobbies, man. Yeah. How about some parenting? Why don't you just focus on being a parent? Should read a chess book or something, you know?

Yeah. Okay. I guess I will. By a parent? Should read a chess book or something. You know? Okay. I guess I will. By the way, oh, I forgot to plug these. Speaking of huge venues. Oh! September 13th, Vancouver. September 14th, Denver. No, that's not me. Vancouver? Yeah. Are you going to Vancouver? Yeah.

Oh, are you doing your day trip? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ah, that's hilarious! I forgot to plug him. I gotta plug him. Oh, you are you doing your day trip? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ah, that's hilarious! I forgot to plug him. I gotta plug him. I was like, fuck, I gotta book my flight. Cause I'm in Denver next week. Oh, okay. Well, you're in Denver too. I'm there September 14th.

September 26th, Cleveland. September 27th, Buffalo. 28th of September, Toronto. And then we're announcing the 2025 date soon. Wow. Okay, sorry. Can I say mine? Yeah, of course. Denver, Tulsa.

Do you wanna pull it up? Do you wanna pull it up? Yeah, why not? Well, you can pull it up on the screen for you. Is it gregfittsimmons.com? Yeah. All right. But yeah, Denver this weekend, which is the ComedyWorks,

which is just- The best. It's just unbelievable. There's just the- They run a good, there we go. ComedyWorks and then the Mothership next weekend. And then I will be in Fairbanks, Alaska, Tulsa, Oklahoma, Tacoma, Punchline, San Francisco, Chicago just announced. Amazing.

All at FitzDog.com. I love Chicago. Comedy Town is a great comedy town. Oh my God, it really is. And it didn't used to be. For a long time it was just improv and sketch and like stand up. There was always Zanies, but it's not a huge club. It's a great club, but like never, it's not, you know, it's 200-seater.

Yeah. And other clubs would try to launch and they just never stuck. And then maybe about seven or eight years ago, like the Den Theater started doing comedy. That Den Theater's awesome. It's awesome. That is awesome. Yeah.

That's like where it's kind of like a semi-round thing. It's around you. Yeah. Yeah. And a lot of people have shot, the Samaral shot a special there. I had, I just did a show there, I don't know, six, seven months ago. Yeah.

One of the most fun shows I've done in a long time. Really, one of the most fun shows. And I had, my son went to college in Chicago. Oh. Yeah. And so he came out to see me when I was there and he bought all of his friends. Oh, that's cool. And then I proceeded to talk about having sex

with his mother several different ways. Yeah. And he was horrified. It's gotta be, like, by the way, there's just, I mean, cause our kids are such different places in life. Yeah. But like, for some, you know, most of their dads come to town and it's like, maybe he'll take you to Chili's or something.

You know? And then like, you come to town and they're like, your dad's fucking cool, dude. I know, his friends are pretty impressed. It was a pretty cool moment. But, and now he's gonna hear this podcast and find out that I sucked milk out of his mother's breast. Took it from him.

When his, yeah, it was his fucking meal. It's milk, yes. I drink your milkshake. That's awesome, dude. Yeah. And yeah, Chicago for me was like, so I, I live in the Midwest a lot and Chicago is the, it's the prize of the mid, you know what I mean? Like you live in Midwest towns. Yeah.

And you're all bullshit next to Chicago. So when we lived in Milwaukee, it was like, going to Chicago was like a big deal. Like we're going to a real city, the big city. And when I started doing standup, there is that, you do get, I think, a little intimidated when you're going to big cities for the first time, but it also feels like an accomplishment.

Like you've arrived and you're going to big cities for the first time. But it also feels like an accomplishment, like you've arrived and you're like, oh, and I had so much like excitement and nerves about my first Chicago play. And then I'm like, yeah, I'm going to play a Chicago improv. And then you drive out to Schaumburg. Right. It's 45 minutes away. And you're like, oh, I'm not in Chicago at all.

And then you're like, oh. And then they're the ones that tell you, they'd be like, yeah, you're not in Chicago. And you're like, oh, I'm not in Chicago at all. And then you're like, oh. And then they're the ones that tell you, they'd be like, yeah, you're not in Chicago. And you're like, no, I know. So you're like, you still haven't played Chicago. You played the suburbs of Chicago. No, there's a lot of those gigs.

My agent's like, hey man, you wanna work Cleveland? And then you get there and you're just looking in the rear view mirror of the car and you're going like, hey, it's back there. Where are we headed? And then they drop you off at a hotel that the club owner has put zero thought into how you're gonna live the next three days of your life.

Because the hotel has no restaurant. It's in an office park. So you literally can't even walk to food. Yeah. I got a good deal on it. Eat shit, I don't care. Yeah, right. And so you good deal on it. Eat shit, I don't care. Yeah, right. And so you're forced to like order takeout,

which so you spend all your money for the week, or you know, I just remember walking along the sides of highways in the blistering sun to get to a Denny's. Yeah, where was one of those, I think it was the Des Moines Funny Bone, where it was like a highway holiday inn. And then the only thing that was food wise in even any type of walkable range

was something with like butter balls or something. Like it was like, and so you'd walk down the highway and have like butter ball burgers. You're like, fuck, I'm gonna die on this trip. Like it was, yeah. And then you basically save your big meal for the green room and you end up eating chicken wings and nachos. Yeah, cheese sticks.

Cheese sticks. And then you're like, you know, my health has actually been declining recently. Yeah, I know. Putting on 40 pounds this year, I don't know why. I know, Jesus, my colon is. Eating like shit. Yeah, I really't know why. I know, Jesus, my colon is. Eating like shit. I really feel like sometimes I'll go like a week

and not have a single vegetable. Yeah, it's not good. No, it's so hard to eat right on the road. Some comics are, like Ian Edwards is a vegan. I don't know how he does it though. I think he chooses what cities he works in. He won't go to- Based on the food. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He won't go just anywhere. Yeah, I try to like think of, we have conversations about food leading up to the arrival. Figure out this for lunch, figure this out for dinner. Yeah. Yeah, so that we can get good quality food. Yeah, it's gotta be hard when you're staying at the Four Seasons to get a decent meal together.

I feel for you. It's gotta be hard when you have an assistant that's like arranging food from a gourmet place. Well, the thing that you can do sometimes is you have the chef prepare your food before you leave. Oh, that's the key. That's the thing I figured out. Right, you figured it out

or somebody on your staff figured it out? That's another way of saying it. They'll just have the chef prepare it. You know, like, got it. My God, what a life. I think about your life, not a lot, but frequently. Really? Yeah, I do, because first of all, I'm very proud of you

and you really earned it, you know? But then I think about how much work it must be to have so many people that, you know, God bless you, you're providing jobs for a lot of people, but it's a machine. Like, I think, does Tom ever just have a day where he gets to not make a decision? It's the busiest I've ever been in my life

by a long shot, like it's not even close. Yeah, it's like beginning of the day until, I mean, I had to hand in scripts, so I went in at 11.30 last night, got up, I tried to get my workout in before, and then it's all day, it is all day. Cause there's also like six, seven things going. I'm not saying to feel, I'm not doing this like feel bad.

I was just saying it's very busy. It is very busy. No, no, no, it's amazing, but it takes a certain type, like when I think about guys like you and Burt and Rogan, like if you were not in standup comedy, you would be the CEO of a thriving business. Like you have executive skills and you have stamina and focus.

Yeah, I mean, I think I would, I probably would have been an entrepreneur of some kind, I think, like working in some type of startup or something. I'm drawn to it, I like it. And then it's so funny because at the end of the day, then it's all based on you standing on a stage and- I know, being like, I cum so much, you wanna see it? Right, right. It's so funny.

I know. I know. That's the engine that drives all the other stuff that you have to be responsible about. Exactly. You know, trying to stay on top of social media and scheduling and being a decent person that people work for and not an asshole. You're totally right.

And then it comes back to like, when I fart, it's sometimes hot. How hot is your fart? Right, right. You ever fart on your wife's leg when you're sleeping at night and then she farts and then you both laugh. And then people go,

and this is the magic you provide? Yes, this is it. Somebody's doing a profile on you for the New York Times and they're trying to find a quote that's usable. It's not absurd. Yeah, I know. This I thought you might enjoy. I just saw this, this is a news article.

Oh, okay. Can you pull up Gosder Cherylus, G-O-S-D-E-R, former NFL player accused of urinating on a passenger on a Delta flight from Boston to Dublin, which is the, like, that's very Greg Fitzsimmons. That flight? Boston to Dublin? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, that fits all over it, man.

Right, right, yep. There he is. Oh my God. Former NFL offensive lineman, Boston College football star is accused of urinating on another passenger. Chairless 40 of Wakefield, Massachusetts, you know where Wakefield is? Sure.

Yeah, pleaded not guilty to interfering with the operation of an aircraft. He was released on $2,500 bail. Mass state police said they were called to Logan Airport in Boston around 2 a.m. Sunday after Delta flight 154 from Boston to Dublin, Ireland was returning because an unruly passenger Urinated on another passenger on board. Do you think the flight attendant threw a yellow flag when he did it?

According to the report perilous appeared drunk when he arrived at the airport before the flight took off He allegedly argued with another passenger. That's always good when they're like just let him board And then he's only six foot eight. That's always good when they're like, just let him board. And then about a- Yeah, he's only six foot eight. Let's get the angry drunk guy on. Yeah. Then about an hour into the flight, they said he walked up to an elderly woman, exposed

himself, and emptied his entire bladder- Empty! Yes! For approximately 20 seconds. The flight attempted to stop him, but then he became unruly and aggressive. He is 6'6, 280. It took two sets of handcuffs to restrain him when he got back. And one of the cuffs was on his cock.

Wow, empty. That's the best. So he was unruly. Full piss, which means they were grabbing him. Yeah. And he maintained like if I'm in the ocean, I'm trying to take a piss and a wave comes, I have to stop. This dude continued. I'm gonna empty this thing out. That's the discipline that gets a guy into the NFL.

That's what I'm saying. It's almost to be celebrated in a way. I think so. And maybe marking territory. Imagine like what percentage of the population could do anything about him pissing on you. Yeah, you know what I mean? Right. It's other NFL players. That's about it. Yeah. All of us would be like, I guess finish pissing. Like, your cock's bigger than my whole arm, so just piss on me. I'm surprised they

subdued them. I mean, six foot six. Dude, look at that fucking guy. Damn. Yeah, that's not, I gotta think on the, the Boston to Dublin flight probably already has tarps on the floor of the plane. Just cause this happens so often. Extra sponges. This dude looks like such a problem that like, if he pissed on my mom, I'd be like, just let him, let him do it, let him do it. It's good for your athlete's foot. Yeah, don't, don't, don't, we're not gonna, we don't want my mom, I'd be like, just let him, let him do it, let him do it.

It's good for your athlete's foot. Yeah, don't, don't, we're not gonna, we don't want any problems, I guess. Yeah, and when you're drunk, that's a lot of piss. It is. Yeah. And it stinks. And it stinks. Wow.

Yeah, it's a savage, dude. I wonder how drunk he is to do that, cause that's not something that you're a little tipsy on. That's fully fucking hammered. But why the old lady? I mean, I think there's a thing called a gray shower. Have you heard about that? No.

Instead of a golden shower. There's a silver, silver, not gray silver. Pissing on an old person? It's when you piss on an old person, or you piss on you. So that's his search on X-Hamster? Yep. I heard a comic talking on X-Hamster? Yep. I heard a comic talking about it last night.

Grey shower. Silver shower. I think it's silver shower. Unless this comic was lying last night. Oh man. We did that show that Brian Simpson does where you pick a topic idea, bottom of the barrel. So much fun. Silver shower.

The act of performing a golden shower, which is urinating on someone, either for sexual pleasure or attempts at humiliation. The difference is that the one who is performing the silver shower is hydrated, causing the urine to be silver instead of gold. Oh, okay. Okay, and this is the act of a geriatric person

of either sex urinating on a millennial. It's also a silver shower. I thought millennials were all about not having this kind of behavior. This must be them acting out their shame. Jesus Christ. What do you think of that, Christina? Wow. She's shocked. She's totally shocked. Yeah Jesus she can't even form words. I mean if you have an old lady piss on you Like be hard to plan it because they're just kind of pissing all the time in their pants. Yeah, do you like piss? No

No, I mean I Do you like piss? No. No. No. I mean, I don't get that. What's the payoff? Somebody urinates on you? I guess if I was in the shower, it might be fun. Like, I definitely have been with my wife in the shower. And peed. And you pee, and then they figure it out and they yell at you.

That's classic. That's part of marriage. Yeah. And they're like, oh my god, it stinks like coffee in here now. It's hot. Yeah, I mean, when you were sucking milk out of my tits, I knew you were weird, but this is really. This is gross.

But like, I mean, but then you got, I mean, do people do it in a, all these squirters, peers, they're peers. So the age old debate about, I mean, so many people are adamant that it's one or the other. I've never heard the consensus on this. I don't know. I mean, people are like, it's not, they'll tell you,

it's not P. And you're like, okay. And then I think I've seen her doctors be like, no, it's P. Well, would he have an extra bladder that holds a different liquid in it? I don't understand. Cause it's a lot.

It's a lot. Yeah. Shooting out. I would not be into that at all. If someone did that, I'm gone. Piss everywhere? No, but I mean, if I even believed it wasn't piss, that it was spray, I still don't want that liquid on me.

Spray, and you're not the guy who would put his face in there. Yeah. No. Think about what women go through with jism in their face. I've never jismed on a woman's face. No. Oh, you have. Yeah.

Wow. But also, I mean, it's reduced in trajectory and velocity, but like shoot it so far. A lot of times it was like, you know, missiles like they were just getting when you were young Yeah, it was just always really. Oh, yeah headboard everything now. Yeah. Yeah good for you, man That was like the you know, that's all I had. What am I gonna say? Yeah. Yeah, just a crazy volume and trajectory How much volume so much?

Like I've said it before but but like I remember in college, this girl, she jerked me off. She was, what do you have four balls? Like it was, she was like, this is so much cum. Yeah, it was so much volume. Would you save up or was that just a day's rations? I think it was just, I had a, you know, cause that's really your prostate, seminal fluid.

And then it's just a roll of the dice on how long your orgasm lasts. And I just had a long one, a big long one. Wow. Yeah, and I was lucky because it felt good. Yeah, yeah. But honestly the clean up was always like, what the fuck?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it was a problem. Jesus, I just, my belly button was always the goal. Get past the belly button. Really? Oh man, I caught them in my face all the time. Get past the belly button. Really? Oh man, I caught them in my face all the time. No! Laying on my back, yeah, I was like,

ah, shit, yeah. Oh my God! Yeah, shooter, man. Yeah. You could have done porn. Just for that, they'd be like, oh, it's not a great cock, but like, whoa! That's a lot of cock. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I think ultimately, if I watch porn,

I don't wanna see a huge cock. I don't wanna see a mediocre cock. I got a real problem with that. Yeah. Yeah, actually I think it's the gayest I ever feel is when I'm like is that his cock. Oh, you want a big cock well, I want it to be like, you know an Admirable one. Yeah doesn't have to be the 12 incher, right? But like if the guy's like a five inch, huh? Come on, man. Why are you in this business? Yeah, how'd you get in this? Yeah, that's true. Just like Just something where you go like okay not you know nice. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I Get I don't know. I mean and I'm I'm well in doubt. Don't get me wrong. Yeah. Yeah

I don't shoot far but I make up for it for the by the length by the length of the... You've got a big one. I've got a big one. Nice. Yeah. That's cool. And I think it runs in the family. My father... There was some reference to my father having a big one.

Really? I never saw it. I'm not one of those kids that saw... You probably did because you're Mexican, right? I saw my dad's balls. You did? A few times. No.

Yeah. Just the balls? Well, just because of like, I walk in and he's changing and he's bent over and I see his, they had like pig nuts. They were like, I was like, God. What do you mean from behind? Between his legs? Yeah, and I was like, God, those are fucking huge. Get that, get out of here.

I'm like, those are your balls? And then, yeah, one time I remember I was, he was on the bed laying there in his boxers, and I saw his balls hanging out of the side, and I was like, yo, you got some nuts. He's like, oh, shut up, Donnie. I just covered myself. Big, big old nuts.

That means he probably came like you. I don't know, we definitely didn't have that chat. Did you ever see your mom with a little chafe thing on the bottom of her chin? A little flaking? Oh, no. I'm sure she would love the topic. Mommy, you look like a billy goat.

What the hell happened in there? Yeah, I don't know. Big nuts though. Yeah. Mine aren't. I have totally normal, nothing. Like you've seen Ari's balls. Yeah, naturally.

It's got huge nuts, right? Yeah. Big nuts. Joey Diaz has big nuts. Big nuts. You know who has big nuts. Big nuts. You know who has really big nuts? Who? Jim Florentine.

Does he really? Oh yeah, legendary. Really? Yeah. I wonder like, cause the thing that they always say about, you know, in comedy, it's like, you know, obviously we, we all have our insecurities and I think a lot of them are, you know, sexual female based, like, you know, in other words, the super

model dude doesn't become a comedian, right? So I think there's a lot, you know, there's obviously a lot of people talking about their dicks and dick jokes and being not enough, right? Like inferior in some way. I wonder how many guys have a nice piece in the comedy community. Yeah. Cause I bet there's a lot of mediocre dicks. Well, you know, legendary, the legendary dick was Milton Berle. Milton Berle, yeah, had a hammer on him. Yeah, I never saw it, but I was a member

of the Friars Club and there was a steam room and it was confirmed. They were like, yeah, he's got a piece. Yeah, everybody talked about it. And he was very open about walking around the locker room with nothing on. I used to, when I belonged to the Friar's Club, I'd go to that steam room because my father was a friar. So I grew up there. My father was in radio in New York.

He's a famous radio guy. Yeah, and so when I was a kid, I saw the OJ chase at the Friar's Club. I watched the, what was it, the 1980 Olympics where the hockey team won against the Russians? Yeah, 80. I was there for that. So I used to go in the steam room when I was like a kid. Not a kid, you know, I was like 12 and I'd go in there and I'd see all these old dicks. It's almost like they were melting. Yeah.

You know, they just hot, the balls and the penis was just melting. And then they'd love to walk around naked and then they'd hold up the shaft and they'd powder. There was like a powdering. And air dry hair dryer in their ass. The wall, they always dry their ass. It was so hairy back there. And so I'd go in the steam room and then you go into, and the steam room was famously like one of the best

in the city. And then you go into these showers and the showers like these big stalls and it had like the shower, it was like a manhole cover and it was blasting like a thousand gallons. It was like being in a civil rights demonstration. You're just getting blasted against the wall. And then you get out and there was this Polish guy

and you would step out of the shower and I'm not making this up. He would towel you down. You would stand there and he would towel down your body. And then he'd give you a warm towel and he'd walk to your locker and you'd get dressed. And at the time I think I would give him a dollar. I was there all through, I was in acting school in New York

and I used to go there every day after school at Sh shoot pool Nice shoot pool take a steam workout. Wow. It was great. It's gone that when did it go away? Cuz I just like a couple years ago. Yeah, I think well before it went away. I had lunch there It was my only time. Oh, did you really had lunch there? Yeah, it's pretty special place. It was cool. It was really cool I mean, there's so much history on the wall. Yeah I know Frank Sinatra, Dean forever and but that lunchroom, I mean, you'd walk in and the thing is like Comedians of that era like the borscht belt comics the Catskills guys You know like Alan King and you know, Henny Youngman like they loved being funny So you'd walk into that that dining room and you'd go and they would all work the room they'd call it. They'd work the room. They'd go from

table to table and they'd all have a funny story, a couple insults and it was just the greatest feeling. Like you're sitting there. I never felt more like I was in show business than when I was like a young comic sitting in that dining room. That's very cool. And Freddie, Freddie Roman used to take me there. He was my sponsor because because my dad had already died. So he sponsored me to be a member of the club. And then I hung out with Alan Kirshenbaum, who's a big writer on SNL.

He kind of like mentored me for a while. They all took care of me. They were great. That's sad that it's no longer around. Breaks my heart. And it just was that it wasn't supported anymore? There was some embezzling. Oh. Yeah. There was some embezzling. Oh.

Yeah, there was some financial malfeasance. You don't use that word a lot. No, you really don't. Malfeasance is a pretty high level word. Yeah, and you don't use it without financial. True, because when would anybody say malfeasance? It sounds, it's actually French for mal, which is bad, and fecence, which is shit, right?

Feces? I think so. Some bad shit happened. That is the etymology of that? Yes. Wow. Yes, that's right. You've decided that or you know it?

Yep. Another update too before we go. Garth has officially turned off all his comments on Instagram. That's pretty exciting. He was just blocking and kind of restricting people, but now it's just all done. That's exciting.

Well, I'm asking people on my special in the YouTube page to say where you, it's called, You Know Me. Put down where you know me from. Like if you heard me on You Know Me. Put down where you know me from. Like if you heard me on this podcast, write a comment that you know me from your mom's house. It's out now, it's on YouTube, it's called Greg Fitzsimmons You Know Me. Go to Greg's YouTube channel,

he's one of the best in the business. Watch the special and leave a comment where you discovered Greg from, where you know him from. I hope we will see a bunch of YMH there. That'd be awesome. Thanks for coming, man. Thank you so much. Great hanging out. It's always fun.

Always fun to see you. All right, we'll see you guys next week. Bye. This homie beat me, this homie beat me This homie beat me, oh yeah This homie beat me, this homie beat me This homie beat me, this homie beat me Oh yeah, this homie beat me This homie beat me, this homie beat me This homie beat me, oh yeah This homie beat me, baby This on me, baby This on me, baby This on me, baby This on me, baby This on me, baby

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