Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - Tom Rhodes-Episode 89-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: October 17, 2016

International Jeans can be worn comfortably in this episode as we welcome world-traveling funny man and all around charming lad, Tom Rhodes into the Mommy Dome. Rhodes puts us at ease immediately and an easy-going conversation about anything and everything develops. We cover his amazing success in Holland including his television show, why the Dutch are not impressed with celebrity, Tom's family and their black voices, butt flutes, Fill Her Up, plane sharts and more!

Hi, mommies. Welcome to the episode. I'm sitting here alone right now doing this front bumper because Tommy Mommie is sick today. He woke up feeling very gross, and he can't talk. And you're going to hear him in this episode saying that he's in Vegas this week, but alas, mommies, he is not. He is sick, and he is at home, and I'm going to be feeding him chamomile tea and petting his bear fur. And we're going to watch some crummy movies today until my bear feels better. So if you're expecting to see him in Vegas, apologies to the mommies, but he'll hopefully be up and running for next week at Cobbs, and I'll be with him there. So that's why you're not hearing his voice. So what happened? Should I keep

going? Oh, I didn't realize we're going to keep this in. Well, here it goes. So this episode, we do our all things comedy bumpers. So if you guys are interested, Laughspin, that website Laughspin is promoting their annual Readers' Choice Comedy Awards. You can vote now, and the voting ends on December 18th. Laughspin.com, go there and vote for your favorite things that you've read, I guess, in comedy. Also, tomorrow night, the Naughty Show, Super Sexy Santa Show at the Comedy Store in Hollywood. Sam Tripoli does that show. And if you're local, I highly recommend it. It's super fun. It's super nasty. There's always strippers and hoes and plenty of tattooed bitches dancing around, and you're going to

love it. And also, guys, I know Christmas is around the corner, and if you're going to go to Amazon.com to buy our gifts, go through our website. Go through your mom's house podcast.com. Okay. And that's it. Enjoy this episode. It's with Tom Rhodes. He was passing through Los Angeles. He'd just come back from Asia, and we sat down with him, and we had so much wine, and he and his wife sat here, and a lot of mayhem ensued. Enjoy it. All right, we're rolling. Try not to fart in this hour, okay? Okay. It's a nice way to get things started. Do you want to tell our lovely listeners where

they can see you fart? Yes, Jeans. If you guys come out, I will fart for you January 3rd through 6th of 2013 at the San Jose Improv in San Jose, California, and then the following week, January 10th through like 13th at the Kansas City Improv. Is that a guest date? Is that a January 10th through 13th? It's around there. It's a guesstimate, because I don't know. Somewhere in mid January, you'll be in Kansas City. Yeah, just drive out there and look for the signs that have my name on it and go in there.

Awesome. How about you, Tommy? Let's see this. If you're listening, I am in Las Vegas at the L.A. Comedy Club. How does that make any sense? I don't fucking know, but that's what they named it, and I also don't know where it is. Is that a good plug? Just Google it. This is how we've been doing our plugs, Tom. We're like, just Google it.

It's on my fucking website. It's going to be on my site. Just go buy a fucking ticket, and then let's see. December 21st through 23rd, Cobbs in San Francisco. Nice. Yes. And you're coming and you're going to do guest spots. So all of our listeners that have wanted to see us together, which we rarely get to do, you can see us together. And then the first week of January, 2013, the Chicago Improv, which is not in Chicago,

Schomburg, they'll be there January 3rd through the 6th. Check that shit out. Well, they have delightful Osseago chicken. You've told me. And I know that I mentioned, I got to tell you something. I was doubting you. It's really good. I'm going to try that chicken.

I'm serious. It'll convince me now. It'll blow your mind open. And our wonderful, delightful guest who smells delicious. Oh, my goodness. Tom Rhodes. Yay, mommy. Don't I will be at the Orlando Improv December 20th through 23rd.

And I will be at the San Francisco punchline January 2nd through the 5th. Somebody knows their day. Somebody's on point. Well, it sounds like we're all playing quality rooms. I like it. Yeah. Hey, this is called an A Clubs podcast. Everybody let's see alternative.

And are you ready to start the show? Fuck yeah, let's fucking do this, man. I don't want to bring anyone loving to this. All right, all right. Yeah. Tom Rhodes is in the mommy dome. Officially switched from coffee. He's drinking coffee to what's that for the good stuff here comes the sound of fun.

And the party begins. Welcome, Tom Rhodes. Thanks, friend. Wow, what an opening, huh? Wow. Yeah, that was that was a test for you. That was really? Yeah, that's a unique every show has its own really.

But yeah, absolutely. You thought, wow, noisy people yelling is that we totally get it. Well, here's what happens. OK, so now Tom and I met in Amsterdam filming. Yeah, explain yourselves, explain yourselves. I met Tom Rhodes in Amsterdam. We were doing the Showtime specials live from Amsterdam. And Burt Cricer goes.

Here's Tom Rhodes, the man in black. He's the Johnny Cash of stand up, right? He's all black and I was like, I don't know, this guy seems really intense. But we ended up really getting along and having a lot of fun together. And now you're here and I did your podcast a little while ago. Yeah, it was cool when we met, though. We hit it off instantly and started talking about philosophy. Yes.

And had his deep conversation about philosophers. How many people can you talk on that level with now? Yeah. And and I had just we've been on a philosophy kick with my wife because you're a lovely wife. He's here with you here. Yeah. And and so I thought Christina was amazing. Yeah, as a person. Wow.

And then she killed it on the stage on the taping. Tom Rhodes killed it. Well, I know I've heard a lot about you, Mr. Rhodes for a long time. And I got to say, in person, first of all, what a striking man this is. Stunning. I mean, holy shit. And his wife, too. Yeah. Well, that's obvious.

But I'm saying, I mean, yeah, no, he's got a control. But like this guy right here, he looks like a like a spokesman for like, I know, like watches or some shit. I know. Don't you think he's like the Omega or whatever? Those tag tag. How are I know how to tag Huey? I don't even know what that is. Yeah.

And then he's got the voice. You got like a great voice. Thanks. Well, that's mostly cigarettes. Well, that's what I try to tell people. You should keep smoking. It gives you a great little radio raspy voice. Absolutely. But I appreciate the the compliment on the looks.

Lately in the last couple of years, a few people have told me I look like Bert Reynolds. And that's you. And it hurt me, hurt me. Oh, but my God, you don't want to look like you don't want to hang. But who's but Bert was aces back in the 70s, about a 10 year period. Yeah. Yeah. But that's what they mean. They're saying you look like I don't know if they're talking about the smoking

in the band, a period. I don't think they're they're not talking about evening shade period. Tom Rhodes, a Bert Reynolds in his prime. Absolutely. There you go. That's that's who you are. That's the name of this episode. Bert Reynolds and his prime. But I always I get that stinging ice cold fear through my veins when

people, someone goes, hey, you know, who you look like. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, and that's not. Well, that's the thing is that they're I think they're obviously telling you that I think it's obvious that they're making that association to a time period. Like 25 years ago is when you know that that's when they're saying it. And right now, I mean, he's had like 19 face lifts, right? And each one like has more staples in it than somebody told me this.

I don't know if it's true or not. But when that that sitcom that he was on evening shade or whatever, that he would insist on coming into the editing room. An LA editor told me this. He would come into the edit and then there's like the knob with the laughter. And he would like make sure that his his line that he would really push up the knob and make sure he got huge laughs whenever that's fantastic. I think I know a couple of comics that would do the same thing.

I think I did that on my comedy album. That is phenomenal. Well, now, OK, back to our original point here. Yes, the reason that we played that audio in the beginning. Oh, yeah. Yeah. All right. Yeah, I was reading your Wikipedia page and it said that your family's from DC and that you guys talk like black people and that you're kind of proud of that. Yeah, very much.

That's why you guys. Yeah, we actually got a clip of your family. We did a lot of research and. They were nice. Never nice, never nice, never off in this. So that's your dad. That's my father. Wow. Wow, I can't believe you found that. Yeah, it took a lot. We had to call managers and agents.

But it's funny that you that that's the clip that you played. Now it makes perfect sense. Yeah, well, actually, that clip, a listener sent us today. And so it was we have a bunch of stuff I've lived next door to the roads for years. This is a little conversation I recorded with his father. Yeah, well, the opening clip was from a train ride. Obviously, I think you could tell that, right? That there was it was on the train and the guy muffled basically what was

the interaction that was happening was I think two roommates were arguing on the train. And I don't know where the train was. I'm guessing Atlanta and they were arguing. And one of them said like, you know, he was like, are you calling me gay? You've jerked off with me many times before and then the guy was like, what? And then the guy was like, you know, I get a lot of pussy. And he was like, you get pussy. I get pussy.

And then he just escalated. And that was and that's why people don't ride Marta. He was like, I eat pussy. I he was it was a list of what he was like. I fuck bitches every night. I can't even get hard because I fuck so much. I eat pussy. I eat and there was like a whole list.

That is how you prove that you're straight. It is. It is over. Yes, either if you have a lot of contempt for gays, that's a good way to prove that you're straight. And if you talk about how much the gayest guy I ever met is not openly gay. But when I met him, like my friends were like, this guy, wait till you fucking meet it. And when I met him, he was like, hey, what's up? And he's like, ah, man, like the first thing he said to me was like,

just ate like so much pussy last night. And I was like, wow. And he goes, I eat that stuff all day. And I was like, yeah, wow. Do you have to do tell people this all the time? Because like most of us don't think about telling people how we could eat it all day. Like it's just straight guys don't say. Yeah, you don't go like, I fucking love eating it, man.

Right. You know what I'm saying? And then another straight guy is like, oh, yeah, because it's delicious. Right. Like no, it's not a straight guy conversation. It doesn't happen. You know, like it's just not in the vocabulary to be like, it is really good, though. Another thing I like is being inside of pussies. It feels good to have sex with them. Right. Because women, I don't know, like we don't sit around

just talking about how much we love Dick's theater. Well, sometimes in the world will be such a better place. If you did, yeah, it would, it would. It depends on Puerto Ricans. So Dick, I'll make you slap somebody in the face. It will. There you go. So, OK, so top roads. You just had a new album drop.

I did. So tell us about that. And a special special came out recently, too. Yeah, Light Sweet Crude. It's on Netflix now. And then I did a CD. It's actually a double CD. Jesus. It's it's called Colossus of Me. And it's the same price as a normal CD,

but I had recorded at the Ice House in Pasadena. And I had a great place. And I had a solid, I don't know what it is, like 57 minutes. And I thought, this is my next CD. And then a few months later, I was in Sydney, Australia at the comedy store and it had a monster set there. It was somewhat different in that there was a lot of European people in the audience.

And I got to tell a lot of my stories about getting maced in Paris and different things that have happened to me in Europe and in different places. So I thought, what the hell? Why not put out a double? I mean, it's only 50 cents more when you're making up the copies of it. So so is it only available hard copy or can you get? No, it's on iTunes and Amazon and all that.

Now, and it's the same price as a, you know, one disc thing. Right. Now, you've been how how many albums in are you now? Or is this my third one? Third album. And the special was that. How many specials is that the one that came out? I've done two Comedy Central Half Hours and this was my first hour special.

Great. And, you know, we plugged it because you are also part of the All Things Comedy. Yeah, baby, the Super Friends. So we had a Super Friends Network and we plugged it a few weeks ago. Yes. And we got a number of people tweeting and emailing us saying thanks for for saying that like the plug. He's they said I went and checked it out on Netflix. Big new fan.

So people responded very positively to these guys. Yeah. Yeah. Well, we're part of the Super Friends Network at All Things Comedy. And also, if you don't know Tom Rhodes, he's like a mega star in Holland. You're like the David Letterman. I wouldn't say a mega star because now it's been a few years since the show is finished.

Can we can you give? I know you've crazy. You've you've probably said this on a bunch of shows. But the way that I first, I mean, you know, you hear people's names in comedy when you're doing it a little while. And the first time I heard your name and it was like, yeah, you know, he's from Florida, he's, you know, done everything. But then the tag was, but the dude is fucking crazy famous in Holland. And then they were like, he hosts the Slate Night Show.

And like, I was fascinated by that, like just that thing, you know, like when you you just a culture takes to you and you respond to it and like you become so well known, how did you even get going there? I had moved to I was playing in London a lot and that led to gigs all over Europe. And then I fell in love with a Dutch girl, not the woman that I married. But and I moved there for this girl. We were together for two years and we broke up. I was still traveling a lot all over the states, all over Europe, everywhere.

So you're already a world traveler guy, though. At that point, yeah. And probably a little too much. It was a strain on the relationship. The girl broke up with me and I was just about to move back to the United States. And these people were looking for an American to host a late night talk show. So I was in the right place at the right time. I got the gig.

I got to stay in this country that I had fallen in love with and be like the David Letterman and to be that guy coming out from behind the curtain with the $3,000 suit on. And then you stand on the X and you do the five minute monologue. I mean, come on. We all grew up watching, of course, Carson and Letterman and dreaming of that. So that was cool. But the thing about Dutch people is

they are unimpressed with celebrity. Dutch people kind of if you're somebody on television or something, it's they're so not impressed by you. Right. And I've seen Lenny Kravitz, different famous people walking around Amsterdam and nobody bothers them. Really? And my wife, when I met her, it actually worked against me that I was television guy. Wow. Because she thought, oh, this guy's celebrity is probably an asshole.

I mean, I am an asshole, but I mean, that's the that's like the Dutch perception. So I mean, like nobody's wildly famous in Holland. OK, even their Dutch people take great pleasure in going up to famous people and telling them why they're not impressed with them. It's a weird Dutch thing. But what is the thing that I'm not impressed with about you? Right. Here's why you suck. You sold a million records.

Well, it's not even that good now. But why do you think what is that in the culture? Why do you think that is? There's a lot of old Dutch expressions. The some of them are great and some of them are not. Don't get your head above the grass or else you'll get it cut off. It's the tall poppy syndrome thing. It's the they they don't be normal.

Normal is crazy enough. I like that. That's another. I like that a lot. Expression. But you don't don't try and stand out. Be normal, blend in. Is that because they're so tall that they throw that out there? I guess. But it's, you know, there's if you're born a dime, you'll never be a quarter.

That's another Dutch expression. This is great. I like this a lot. Now, can I ask you this? We've done stand up in a number of places, English speaking places, and that people always ask us, oh, does it translate? You know, you do Canada, Australia, UK, whatever. What's it like hosting a television show? Like, does does everything that your sensibility is in comedy?

Does that play? You know, I mean, or do you have to kind of? Well, I mean, yeah, I mean, they all speak English. There's a certain level of intelligence where most people speak three or four different languages, right? There was a certain silliness factor that they like to do on that talk show. They they constantly liked throwing surprises at people.

They liked bringing out girls in bikinis. That's cool. I mean, but yeah, it's cool if you're doing a show in America. Oh, right. But I mean, that sometimes was very unnecessary. Oh, really? They're just like, yes. And then when the physicist sits down, we'll have these two girls in bikinis. Things like that, they did it sometimes. Like if somebody said they were afraid of spiders, then all of a sudden here comes a rubber spider. Oh, shit.

Coming down. So, I mean, but there was a lot of things I loved about the show, like I would make a five minute film each episode where I would experience something of Dutch culture. Oh, cool. That was my favorite. I got to spend a day with a Dutch farmer. A former prostitute gave me a tour of the she does health care and social work for working prostitutes. She gave me a tour of the Red Light District, explain the sex industry to me.

I got a tour of Gay Amsterdam by the guy that does the Gay Festival. I got to cover the Prime Minister debates. I had a press pass. I was on the floor. I'm talking to their biggest political leaders. I got to do so many cool things that even Dutch people wouldn't get to do. What a great experience. Yeah, it was an experience of a lifetime. I mean, there were some silly aspects to the show, like the bikini girls.

But even that was cute sometimes. They would do the word of the day where they would try and teach me Dutch one word at a time and a bikini girl would come out with a Dutch word on a card. Yeah. And the audience would teach me how to say it and tell me what it meant. And, you know, how long, how long a run was this show? That was on three years. That's a good run in any country.

That's a good run. Yeah. Yeah. Now, this is the part that I because I always think like, you know, every time I get to play a new country and you have fun there, you go, I can't wait to come back, right? Like we keep talking about how we want to go back to South Africa. Even Amsterdam, I had the best time doing stand up there. I would love to go back. But what I wonder now is like, it's almost like a cool thing

that you you were on television. You had your show for three years, you're not anymore. And it makes you, I think like a that's like a cooler commodity to go back. Like when you go back, they're like, oh, shit, he's back, right? Like, do you still play there? Like you make that part of your run every year, every 18. Yeah. Once a year, I'll go there. Yeah. My wife's from Holland.

So we have to visit her family. Yeah. But I mean, you get to do like a shows there too. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And yeah, I have a few fans there. Yeah, I'm sure you do. Yeah, that's pretty great. I'm I'm I'm so into playing. Like I I always tell, especially like comics that are well known, like, you know, you have your friends that like are bigger, like big names.

And you're like, hey, like, do you not want to check out like Australia? Oh, such a far flight. And like, yeah, you could pick up like a quarter million dollars in two weeks there, man, like that's a fucking long flight. Like, yeah, really, you don't want to go just scoop up a quarter million. Like, you know, I mean, if you're like a big enough name in certain areas, you can really clean house there, especially like as an American going abroad. Like if you're, you know, there's like guys that are on TV or big, you know,

just big names and they don't want to get on a plane. Right. That's so like that's the big they're like that flight sucks. I'm like, are you out of your fucking mind right now? You're dope. Yeah. Like you're going to leave all that out there because it's a long one. X and two Bloody Marys. The whole trip's about an hour and a half. That's right, man.

How many fucking how many statuses do you have on different airlines? I have enough freaking fire miles to have a helicopter on the roof within an hour. I have a special number that I can call. I love it. Who's your primary airline? Can you say? Yeah. I like American primarily. OK. So you're executive, whatever there. What's your status gold premiere? I don't know what it is. Yeah, yeah, it's gold. OK. OK. All right.

You know, what's interesting about Tom is that you're kind of in this next category of comedian that's emerging now, like the Russell Peters of the world. Like you're you're an intern. You travel all over the world doing standup. It's not just like Tom and me where Tom Segura and me were relegated to like the United States and every now and then we'll do a jaunt. Like your calendar is literally like you guys just came from where? Malaysia, Jakarta, Jakarta.

Yes. And then Korea, we were there before and Korea. And you're doing like clubs or what's the deal? Yeah, that was clubs in Korea. And then Jakarta was a comedy festival. So there was so one little theater show. So yeah, you're taking it to the next level where standup is going to be eventually where we're all going to do. Comedy is so red hot all over the world.

And there's so many international gigs already. And then there's even there's just so many just in Asia, cool comedy tours. There's Hong Kong, China, which they use primarily British acts, but there's also Kuala Lumpur, Singapore, Jakarta, Cambodia, Vietnam. There's really cool stuff all over Asia. And there's one I heard. I mean, there's a comedy store in Bombay, which I would love to do that.

And then in Bangladesh, some guy was like, there's a gig in Bangladesh. I don't know if I would be. I don't know. That one's in Tom Rhodes. I think it's like that Russell Peters, Tom Rhodes way of doing it. Yeah, it's it's the thing that like that I for me, it's like whenever I do anything internationally on my way out, it's always like so like when can we set up the next right run and I feel like there's so many, especially here. I think it's because you get like you have the luxury in America of doing

like you can just you can just work here and make a good living, I guess. Right. But there's people who go like, I just don't want to do it. I'm like, why do you not want to do it? You know, I mean, like there's a lot with you. I don't know why people wouldn't want to do that. And I think if like if I just do the states, my my brain becomes mushy. You know, well, you're naturally.

I can tell you like when you talk about those short films, you're curious guy. Like you like to yeah, inquire. I like to, you know, absorb the culture. What's great about it? Love food. Yeah, love everything. Just, you know, language, you know, expressions like the Dutch expressions and things like that.

Just quirky things about like like when I talked to you before, Christina, you were telling me about Hungarian insults and things just like every culture has got like weird, cool, funny shit about it. And it always it's always about your mother. I found even in Latin and Hungarian, it's it's all about your mom. If you can insult somebody's mother, it's like the highest. It is the best thing to do, right? Yeah, you can't you can't get worse than that.

Yeah, yeah, the the main like the the go to insult in Peru. My mom's Peruvian. Yeah, is is a concha to my which is essentially it's a variation on fuck your mother or like I will, you know, I'm going like to fuck your mother. That's great. My mother is from Argentina. Really?

I always get asked if I'm from Argentina because I have like stunning blue eyes of their skin. You look like a handsome man. They're like, man, you're from Argentina. And I say, no, here's the thing. They isn't how much they insult me. They don't realize like what an insult. They'll be like Argentina and I'll be like, no, I'm Peruvian.

They're like, there's no way you're Peruvian. They're like, they're they look fucking terrible. I'm like, hey, man, my mom's Peruvian. And they're like, yeah, but you're definitely not like I'm telling you. It's not like a comp like I'm not asking you. I'm telling you that I'm Peruvian and they're like, that's not good. My favorite vacation ever. Well, I was working.

I'm going to get some more after the late night talk show in Amsterdam. Finish the same network. Let me do a travel program and I got to do a highlight on Peru. Dude, it's the best, right? I it's my favorite place I've ever been. My greatest vacation. Where's your mother from? She's from Lima.

OK, she spent some time growing up in Trujillo. But most like basically Lima is, you know, the capital is where she spent my mother's from Buenos Aires. And then her her my grandfather was a airline mechanic really. And in the fifties, working for airlines was like the computer industry. Now you could work anywhere. So then he got a job at the Lima Airport and they lived in Mira Flores. Oh, it's a very nice part of town.

That's the nicest part of Lima now. And then they transferred to Washington, D.C. Well, that's how my mother's family came to the United States. Did he work as the airline mechanic in D.C. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've been to Buenos Aires. I also took a trip there with my mother. And this is how different the culture is in Argentina.

When I went with my mother, I was 21, 22 years old. And so you're stunning back then. I've seen your head shots. I'm pretty good. And this was like 40 pounds ago. I mean, it was really good. And then I'm with my mother and my mother at the time is probably 55. Everybody. And I mean, everybody hitting on your mom.

No, they thought we were a couple. Oh, I've had that. And I mean, it's the only place ever been where everybody thought that. I mean, you could tell by the looks, by the thing, like we would go into a store. They'd be like, do you want to get? Are you getting something for your girlfriend? I'm like, that's my mom, man. Like, that's not girlfriend.

Like, if I had anywhere I've been with her just one on one, you know, Peru, if anywhere in the States, nobody assumed that Argentina, they were like, hey, your mom gets down like that. And the Dominican Republic. I was 28. Yeah. My father and I went to a club med there and everybody was like, you and your girlfriend, you and your wife will be seated for dinner. I'm like, that's so gross.

It's so obvious we look alike. But you know what that is in the Dominican Republic and Argentina? It's very perverts. There, there, there you go. Perverted. What they are. No. Yeah. Have you been you've been down there? Oh, to Argentina? Yeah, I've been three times.

You like it? I I'm in love with South America. It's great, right? Yeah. Maybe that's where we should go. Oh, yeah, that'd be fun. Yeah. Yeah, I've been three times. I brought my mother the second time. First time I went with my brother and we went to a soccer match

that turned into a riot. They set the stadium on fire. And the riot police came in with tear gas beating people with sticks. And it was the greatest night of my life. I've been to a thousand baseball games. Nobody ever set the stadium on fire. Oh, that's amazing. It was really great. Yeah, it was cool.

I remember in Peru, I wasn't at the game, but somebody shot off a flare gun and the flare went up and then went back down and landed in a guy's eye. Wow, that's fun. Yeah. And so flair is going out of his head and the game continued, of course. No, no delay. That is not. There's there's no lawsuits. Nothing, nothing. Yeah, everything went on.

And I was in Madrid. I studied there for a semester in college when Real Madrid won the European Cup. And that was that was by far like the craziest I'd ever seen a city flip over. I mean, we're talking like the water barrel, you know, the police like SWAT team shit come out. You're like, holy shit, this is all because they won the cup, you know? Like it was that there's a whole culture

that which is part of the fun part of going all over the place, you know? That like, like, however crazy people think the NFL fans are here, they're nothing. That's nothing compared to what soccer is. Oh, yeah. In Europe. Oh, yeah, South America. There's a reason that exists. Is this love that shit? Because we got this. Is this your dad?

Yes, that was your father. Yes, I don't know where you got these clips. I told you, we reached out. So weird. Isn't that weird? Yeah, just put it together. Hey, can I ask you guys? Now, you're married, right? Mm hmm. How long have you two been married?

A year and a half. Oh, you're newlywed. That's a Dorbs. That is a Dorbs. So Tom and I have been, we just celebrated our fourth wedding anniversary. And this morning, you know, I was gone all weekend. I just came home and I woke up this morning and I looked lovingly at my husband and I thought it'd be sweet, you know, just to play with him and I massage his little bag and I get my little meat puppet.

And I really, you know, all that fun, playful stuff, playful, fun, cuddling. And then I go to squeeze his bum, bum, his bum cakes. Now, but we should don't forget you reached under my boxers. Well, yeah, you're my husband. But I'm just making the point that it's very important. You didn't just grab my butt. She reached under my boxers, grab my bud. Squeeze a little just to give a little squeeze.

And then he rips a gigantic fart as my hand is right there over his ass. And I felt the waves of heat and wind on my hand. Now, was that something you would do to your wife? Or is that just unique to us? I think that's unique to you. Interesting. Why? Why do you say that? You know, not that we don't use our butt flutes. OK, but but but yeah, we we stay away from probing each other's butt flute.

I wouldn't. I wasn't. I wasn't. Here's what I said. I didn't try. I didn't go. Oh, I got a fart and then jump on you. Like sit on you and fart. You put your hand in the fart canal region. Not inside. I grazed the top. But I'm saying your hand went where farts happen, you know? That's another way of putting it.

And then a fart. I didn't go. Oh, I can't wait to follow you. You put your hand down there. A fart happened and then you're acting like I attacked you. It's not what happened. It's it feels like an assault. Why? On my senses, on my love for you. Yeah, I was vulnerable.

I went in loving your love was tear gas. I like those Argentinian soccer fans. Thank you. Thank you. You ruined the sweet moment. Well, yeah, you know, it's part of life anyway. Isn't there a philosopher you can cite that says that? This is far too far. Do you call it a butt flute?

No, I love that. I like it a lot. I like that a lot. I like that a lot. That's what you guys say. Now, how long before you farted in front of each other? And oh, it was we've. Who broke the fart barrier first? Oh, that certainly was me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I could have told you that. Jesus, yeah, this lovely, lovely lady didn't rip at first. No. What did how did you how did you break the fart barrier with her? It was probably in the morning when something like that scenario. I think she remembers her face. No, she's she's drawing a blank there. Well, it's like a pretty cool life.

I can remember the first time Tom did this to me. Interesting enough, we were sitting on my couch in my old place and he was in his boxer shorts as the morning. And he we were sitting next to each other and then he just grabs my hand and thrusts it into his crotch and then farts. That's true. And then he made eye contact. And that was a different time.

That was the first time I was much younger and more mature. You know, the Dutch oven when you pull it. That's Dutch people. That's they they all they all do that. They love that. They invented that. They invented it. It comes from is that how you you knew that she loved you first

is when she did that to you after a few days. She's never done that to me. She's far too lovely. She wouldn't do that. Look at her. And I was gorgeous. Absolutely. A doll. Yeah, she's not doing fart games, Christina. Maybe. Well, anyways, I also had another thing

that happened to me this week, and maybe this happens to you. I don't know. Oh, I'd love to hear. So this makes me especially because you're an international comedian and I'm pretty much relegated to the United States. But I did a show in Schenectady at a theater and I was sitting in the audience because this was a few female comics performing. I was on this lineup and I'm in the audience and I hear behind me a chatter of like, oh, my God, I didn't even like this fucking chat.

It's fucking like that kind of country chatter. And I look back and I see some fat pig on her cell phone and her face is lit up because she's on her fucking and she's totally doing that. I don't even know that like being loud and shitty. And I turn around and I was I wasn't kind. I'm not going to pretend like I'm innocent. I turn around and I was like, could you please be quiet? Like I was it was agitated.

She responds by giving me the finger just bam right there. Just fuck you in. And I was like, what? And I for some reason that made me see red where I was like, fuck me. Fuck you. And I got up and I got it. I fucking got in her face and I was like, oh, you fuck you. How dare you talk during my friends?

That was Mary Lynn Reich's cub was on stage. And that's my friend, you're fucking talking. And of course, she did the drunk leg. I wasn't even talking. I don't know how to tell you. And I was in trouble for laughing. I was laughing. That's what they always say that.

I don't know your time. And I was like, bitch, I look back and I see her mouth moving. And this is the best part. She goes, well, who the fuck are you? And in my stupidity, I go, I'm a performer. Oh, like that. Just so stupid. And then she was like, well, like get backstage then, bitch.

That's what she said to me. And I at that point, I really felt like I could tear her head off. Like I was ready to beat this bitch up because I've fought a bitch before. You know what I'm saying? In public school, 1989. And but I didn't do that. Instead, I went and I got security and I, you know, made sure that she got a talking to. But for some reason, her her thing just incited rage in me.

And I don't know if every comedian has that or like that one person, that one thing. And for me, it's white bitches because white bitches are the most entitled audience members. You know what I mean? It's it's it's usually the white sorority that ruins everything, the ruins life. Yeah. And that's my trigger here in the States, right?

Yeah. And you have international hecklers. So what's just, is there anybody or anything that really? I think in the United States, we have a certain amount of low class people. And I think they don't think that's everywhere though. There is, but there at least they can control it. There's no I mean, there was that that incident that happened in Australia and like a couple of weeks ago, where there's some redneck

racist guy was there was some French women singing a song. You can see the YouTube video of it. And they're just this two guys and they're just yelling at these women and I'll cut you like a filet and the guy was like, we're totally racist and don't come to that. I mean, so like weird things like that will happen in Australia or different places. But like generally, internationally at audiences, people are very well behaved. And I think even if they're they're they're even if they're not enjoying the show, you rarely see people going on their phones.

One kills me. Yeah. But has there ever been a heckler that just had your number and you've lost your shit? Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. It's happened in the United States, though. Yeah. Isn't that interesting?

It's interesting. Well, you know what? You know what else? What happens more internationally? I feel like in my limited experience, though, is that there's more respect for the idea of the show. In other words, we're at a performance. Well, yeah.

And but in London, you will get heckled. Sometimes they just want to see what your your your medal is. Right. And, you know, and if if if you'll capitulate, if sometimes you'll get heckled by people in London and they they just want to see if you're sharp enough as a comedian to deal with it and not fold. I think. But I think the American stand up is truly an American art form as far as I know.

And I think it's existed in this country for so long that people are used to it. It's not seen as like it's not valued as an art form because, first of all, they serve alcohol and they serve fucking nachos and you would never go to like a Shakespeare performance. They're like, here's your nachos gallery where they have shown some paintings. Hey, here's some nachos and some cheap cheese all over and some beer during your performance. So it does let we we put ourselves in the way of that kind of bullshit.

But it's not valued. I think there's some people who think that like what we're talking about, like we're not talking about comic, you know, not being able to want to deal with people yelling shit out. Like I have no problem doing shows and somebody is like, that's bullshit. And then you go, bam. And that's part that is part of stand up. What is incredibly disheartening and breaks your spirit and fills me with rage

are the people that are at the show that don't even want to be like they're they're on the phone, they're texting, they're eat whatever they're talking, having full conversations. And I've had countless times. We're not in the I'm on stage and I've seen like the the staff come over and be like, hey, and they go, we're not even talking as I'm watching them talk. Yeah, I don't even want to be there. You're like, dude, what are you fucking doing here?

Well, just tell a joke. Hey, asshole, you're not listening to jokes. So what do you mean? Tell me to tell a joke. Why don't you fucking leave? And I do. I do see red and go crazy. But usually I can transcend my anger and find a way to be amused by it.

But something about this woman. Yeah, no, there's there's times when you can. But there's times when it's super like entitled and disrespectful. Where what happens is you shut off what is what I think is like your better stand up higher self, which is like more vulnerable. And you go like, I'm not going to say any of this shit because you don't deserve it. I'm going to go back to whatever my first year of jokes. Yeah, I'm going to horrify you because I don't feel like giving you the

now you made me feel like, you know, like I don't want to give you like who I am because you're you're so disrespectful to the show. You know what I mean? Like you're you don't even want to be here. You're talking during the whole thing. I'm not going to to tell you who I like who I really and what I think about. So I feel I think it's a core problem with American society and our entire society and all of our technology and all of our television and mass media

makes each individual think that they are somehow important and that their life matters and that you are that's all of our advertising and marketing is, you know, you feel special, eat this candy bar, buy this product. And they think, oh, my God, the whole universe revolves around me and fuck this show. I'm going to is anybody on Facebook or Twitter or what they're just they're just people that have no manners whatsoever. Yeah. And that's because our society has conditioned them that they are important. Yeah, that's true. It's true.

It's a total self-entitled thing. You know, I mean, yes, I did a show last year where as one of those shows, you're like 10 minutes in, you're like, this could not be going any better. And I happened to notice like the one guy who like wasn't laughing. Yeah. And instead, no, I mean, it's one of those things where you go like, well, I've learned that like when you see that guy, don't address that. Like there's not you have ninety nine percent.

Don't look at him. That's always your eyes keep going back. Yeah. Did that joke get him? Yeah. Did that joke get him? Well, not only did I look at him, but I was like, are you not having a good time? And I just I put the brakes on my own fucking roller coaster. Yeah. And then he was like, no, I'm not having a good time. And then the lady who was sitting with him has her phone up

and I was like, what are you doing? And she goes, I'm playing Scrabble. Oh, my God. And I was like, oh, really? She's like, yeah, this show sucks. I was like, what? And like, it really was like one of those things. I was like, I thought this was like as good as it can get. And then it just it went on and I was shitting all over.

They stayed. The weird thing is they stayed till like. Ninety five percent of the show was done. They left in the last five minutes. But and then after the show, I'm like with the staff. I'm like, you don't tell somebody that says they're playing Scrabble and keeps their phone out for the whole show. To leave or to put the phone away.

And they're like, who was playing Scrabble? I was like, the lady that I kept addressing playing Scrabble, the lady that I asked if she had the letters, C-U-N-T on her phone. Like that lady didn't see that. They're like, we totally missed that. I'm like, that was fucking half the show. They're like, yeah, we missed it. We missed it. But shit like that.

I don't know that. I mean, I'm sure it can happen anywhere in the world. But I feel there's certain clubs like the the comedy store in London where the guys that work there are beautiful. They swoop in like eagles and just will extract somebody for yelling shit out or being disruptive. And then there's clubs that don't do anything because they're afraid to lose a customer.

So, yeah, where's the middle girl? That's a good point. The comedies who are in London, they actually in the sound booth, they have they have closed circuit televisions at every angle on the audience. So there was one time I was there. There was a guy and they didn't know if he was drunk or if he had like some kind of disability. Oh, right. OK.

So they went into the booth and they because the guy had said a few things and they and they're studying. No, OK, it looks like he might, you know, have a master. Yeah. Yeah. Cerebral palsy because at first they thought, oh, this guy is drunk and slurring. Let's get him out. And, you know, but they're very scientific about it.

Somebody who told the story about that where they were like fucking make him make him stop. Like he's making so much noise and they were like he's having a good time. Who was that in Peoria? I think it wasn't me. No, there was a there was a woman in my audience one night who was like totally like chatting and weird and like looking away. I mean, like, I don't like she would spout out. Yeah, it's like either she's drunk or something else

and it turned out to be something else. So I'm glad that I didn't I didn't call her out. This happened at a show. Somebody told me where they were on stage and in the back, they were like, will you shut the fuck up? Like after like 10 times and they're like, he's, you know, I can't do anything. And then he ended up giving him a shot that put him out. So the guy is like you put the guy out

who's having a blast at the show because he goes like like he makes like a noise. Right. You can't do this horrible. Do you feel like they should warn you? Like, hey, there might be there's a guy in the back. I totally appreciate that. Yeah, just tell me so I don't fucking I would. I played at the comedy store in Sydney, Australia years ago and there was it.

It was a kind of a small audience. Maybe it was like a Tuesday night or something. And there was a guy in a wheelchair. I don't know what he had like he was hooked up to all kinds of machines. It was a real, you know, expensive wheelchair that had life. Right. You know, machines keeping this guy alive or something. I don't know. I don't know what. But and the guy's kind of laying horizontally at this

like kind of tube for breathing or something in his mouth. And he would let out this. But he was great. And he laughed at the darkest, most twisted comedy. But the audience was uncomfortable. This guy made the people feel weird. And I told them, I said, you know, fuck you people. I only care about his laugh tonight.

Yeah, because when I when he laughs, I'm playing with this audience's clit. Yeah, yeah, I know that I have I've hit the spot. Yeah, yeah. When that guy. And then the guy came back and saw me like the next couple of years when I would that's all come back. And the guy obviously had a really twisted sense of humor. Yeah, he only laughed at really twisted stuff.

That's awesome. But he was great. And it was the the upright and healthy people. Yeah, sure. Who who, you know, were a little stiff. Yeah, yeah. Can I tell you my favorite comedy rooms ever are A A rooms? Oh, yeah. When you do an A room, there's some cold sober and it's usually like in a church or something.

But they laugh at the darkest because they have been there and done that. Oh, yeah. And those are the best crowds, like just broken. Who wears a divorce all hands up? I did that one in the valley. Yeah, you talk about you talk about stabbings and fucking you know, when your teeth fall out, they're like, oh, yeah, I fucking know what you're talking about.

Who's ever been tainted by the cops? Everybody hands up all around. It's great. It is the best man. Shit. All right. Well, I like that. Oh, it's that time. What time is it? Is that from a South American roots?

No, this is a very special moment. This is your Kinsunietta music, remember? Yeah, you remember when you had your big one five, right? The big celebration. Did they do that for boys, too? Or just how come that's not fair? I don't know. When do you become a when do you become a man in Latin culture?

Usually when you get a blow job, which is like 11, 12 in Latin culture. So OK, Tom Rhodes, this is a game we like to call fill her up and seal her shut. And because this is going to air ride around Hanukkah, I'm going to give you two names of very famous Jewish people. OK. And you're going to tell me who you would rather fill up and seal shut. And you you're filling up and sealing shut with the same equipment. You know what I'm saying? You're filling her up like you're filling her up with your, you know, with your load.

OK, can I ask my wife? Is it OK if I answer these questions and in a facetious manner? We prefer you to be as graphic as possible. Yeah, she's from Amsterdam. She's cool party. Come on, red light district. OK. Would you rather fill up and seal shut? Here are your two options. Jewish edition, the G.S. These are G.S. is a bit middler for going old school or carry my own writing.

Carry my Barbara Streisand. Oh, Barbara Streisand. Sorry. Yeah, Barbara Streisand or that middler. Would you rather fill up or seal shut with your love? Wow. With your love, your love sauce. And you've really got to it's not like close your eyes. This is an all day marathon. This is kind of easy. OK, cool.

Bette Midler hands down. Wow. Just because, you know, I think funny people are attractive, even if they're not, you know, model bodies and just the joy and laughter that Bette Midler has given me. I most certainly could honor her womaness. And the the soul of of her as an entertainer. I would definitely I would I would joyously tenderly fill her up. And seal her shut and seal her shut.

Now, have you not seen the new trailer to the Barbara Streisand, Seth Rogen movie? Looks like a lot of laughs. I haven't. I think Barbara would be more persnickety than Bette. I'm not going to say I think I think I think Bette would be more fun in bed. I think you could laugh, have more fun with her, where I think Barbara would probably be more dominant and a little bossy. You know what I'm saying?

She probably probably wouldn't like your licking technique and would probably, you know, kind of instruct you. And then you get all mental in your own head and you're losing your focus. You're like, what is the spot? Is that the spot? Right. Why couldn't she just shut up and go with it? Yeah, right. Where I think that would laugh and you would, you know, easily. Has anybody played the game as well as Mr. Rose? I don't think anybody has.

Congratulations. That was your first time out. I mean, it's like you've been playing this game forever. I was afraid you were going to do the describe your penis game with me. Oh, that's a different. Detectives. That's a different. Wow. Now, now I wish we had that. I'm glad I I'm glad I got the the US. We can do that.

No, we have the results. This was. Oh, no. How uncomfortable is that? Now, are there are there a couple other Jews? Is this one that Miller walks in? And you fuck the shit out of it. What's your answer? Even give me. Oh, I am a hundred percent on board with Midler as well.

I like she has. Look, I even like if you look at their type of shows that they put on, you know, Babs is stand there and fucking pop, you know, raise a hand kind of shit, right? That Miller's like old school entertainer does like fucking show kids. Yeah, that's a show. And you take that to the bedroom. Right. I mean, Midler is going to be like, what are you a fucking fact?

Like she's going to talk shit, right? Sit on your face and just smack you around, laugh, talk, you know, spit in your mouth. It's going to be fun. I'm spitting your mouth like a lady. Yeah, I think I'm going to go opposite of you guys. And I'm going to say Barbas Drysian. OK, and your reason? Because I might want a more intimate, loving session.

I'm not into it for the spitting in my mouth or vulgar staple my tits to the desk, like you like to say. I'm not into that. I'm into a good time. I want to talk, maybe light some candles, essential mass. Find out your snore fest. Me and Rose are going to double team Midler. I'm glad you agree to me that Barbara would be bossy. You know, I do. I think so.

You'd be too much in your own head. And you know what else you'd get called out on with Babs? If you tried to, like, you tried to get a little crazy on her. No, you're like, I'm going to do one extra thing. Like something kinky should be like, are you serious right now? Can you turn around? Can you get on your knees? Why? I'm not going to do doggy style with you. Oh, Jesus. And then and then you feel bad even bringing it up.

You're like, oh, wow, I'm dirty. And then and then it's like where's your heart on going? You're like, well, you kind of made me feel weird. Like I thought we're going to do I can do it. But you know, you yelled at me, but I like that. I want to learn from her. I want to I want to get her essence. You you you have fun. OK, tell us how it went.

No problem. Who are the other? OK, so these are the the male. We do like we like to do one for the dude. So who would you rather have fill you up and still you? Hey, wow, I it's I didn't know it was a two parter. You got a tour of the gay district of Amsterdam. I did. Yeah. So we also continue with the Jew theme.

I'm going to do Woody Allen, very famous Jew or Mel Brooks, another. Oh, tough to see. Too funny. You got me too. Funnies. I I would have to do both those guys at the same time. That's the first. That's the first. We've never had to be. I'd have to be a bus station whore for both of those guys. That's the first time that is genius.

Nobody's ever thought I think both of them would understand. I think so, too. I think they'd both be, you know, happy to accommodate. You've left my my cock alone for a moment. My existential crisis, I think it'd be really cool. I mean, I would definitely feel like like a casting couch chick with Woody. And I think with Mel, I'd be like, this is fun. We're having a good time, right?

And he's just like, you know, whatever, throwing pastrami at me. But I think that Woody, I think Woody would be a little more reserved. And I think at the end, he'd be like, by the way, you're not getting a part in my next film. Oh, I hate that. I think for each guy, I could think about their best movies and really be turned on in any hall. Oh, bananas.

And then, like, I'd think about blazing saddles. Right. Right. But then then blazing saddles or high anxiety. And then I'd remember like men in tights and I'd start to lose it a little bit. And then I'd have to go back to Woody and, you know, oh, midnight in Paris. Oh, OK. Oh, and then Manhattan. And then you start losing it a little bit. Crying, motherfucker. And then that's what my dad does.

Your dad, your dad walks in after Woody Allen finishes and he goes. Crying, motherfucker. You're like, dad. That could happen. That's what happened. That's a real scenario. You know what, you guys, I'm going to have to go. Artistically, I like Mel Brooks a lot more than Woody Allen. Because here's my thing.

Woody Allen does the same thing Steve Martin does in his films, which is its redemption through young pussy. Because they hit an age where they had the midlife crisis and it's all about fucking 20 year old chicks and finding redemption. So Woody Allen, I'm going to choose, despite that, because he could do more for my career. He can make me his scarlet Johansson. You're going to do the casting couch.

I'm going to totally bang this guy to be put in his movies. Because that's what apparently that's what you have to do. You know how little respect I have for people who don't do that. Thank you, baby. I really would support you having sex with Woody Allen. How easy would it be to have sex with Woody Allen? I don't know, but I'm all on board for you doing it. He would. It would be so great.

Write a letter right now. Write him an offer right down in your journal. No, Brooks, I admire so much. He's here. He's local. We could go over to him. He is. Where does he live? He lives in Beverly Hills. We're not. That's not close. We're in Los Angeles. Oh, yeah, you're right.

I mean, Woody Allen, we got to get on a plane, set up an appointment. He doesn't drive up to Mel Brooks house. We're like, hey, my wife's here to fuck you. He'd be like, I'm fucking 104. Give me a break. I would have to hide my contempt for Woody. That's going to be the problem. All right, can we not put that out there? I don't want Woody to hear this.

I know. Now you'll both never work for him. Jesus. I think I'm too old anyway. I've aged out. Oh, not. How old is Sunyi? Am I older than Sunyi? I don't know. That's a good question. Sunyi Previns, what, 28? Well, it'd be really funny is at the end of this podcast, if Bette Midler pulled up, took me to a house

with Woody Allen and Mel Brooks waiting. And then she set up a camera and hit record and be like, here's their next film. I wish. What if you became famous, like really famous off of a sex tape that is you having sex with Woody Allen and Mel Brooks at the same time? Oh, my God, that'd be the best thing ever. And that's your that's your sex tape.

You know, it's a it's a it's the talk. Like everybody talks about it for like a month. But then you're just part of like they're like, yeah, I know that's how we first fucking heard about you. But now you're just, you know, you're part of the. I see working in Vegas forever after that. I just coming out in a bathrobe, sitting out, you know, on a stool and just recounting the.

That's what I wanted a bathrobe. I mean, if the Octomom can make a porn and get awarded for it, I mean, 25 years from now, people go like, I fucking I love the three way you did with. I used to watch that parties all the time. Oh, my God, the effort you put. You really cared about those guys. You could really feel that, you know, after I saw that,

I checked out your specials and I was great. I was I started watching some old Woody Allen films. I didn't know he was a stand up. It was I found out about it all from your sex tape. We got to get you a sex tape. God, don't you think that's the worst thing that could happen? You what? Have a sex tape come out? Yeah, I'm not sure if that would be.

I'm just glad that technology didn't get to that point while I was when I was younger. They like the accessibility of camera phones and video cameras. That, you know, I mean, you, you know, when I was in my early 20s, you had to have the big VHS tape into a camera, you know, to write something and it was it was heavy on the shoulder. The crazy one, the recent craziest one was Hulk Hogan's. I mean, oh, no, that one's really weird

because the dip was he wearing his yellow man panties. I think he had on tidy, tidy yellows. Really? Yes. What's his catch phrase? Fuck, what is it? The banana hammock put the earth on you. What is it? Get you some of that. Yeah, I don't know what it is. Yeah, it's some dumb shit. Huckle later. You've been hulk, bitch.

Yeah, yeah, let's make one. Well, he he fucking his bubba, the love sponge, oh, radio guy. Yeah, he Hulk had sex with Baba's wife. Oh, no. But Baba set it up. Like, Bob, I was like, yeah, like set it up. Like, do your thing. It's it's swingers. Well, and then but here's the thing is that.

Oh, oh, it's you want more wine, sweetness? Sorry, I didn't mean to put a panic. I know. OK, so Baba was like, do this. Baba had a camera rigged and fit and secret like she knew, but Hulk didn't know. Wow. And then wow. And then Baba was like, if we ever get we ever really need some cash, we'll have this and we can sell this. Wow.

So he and they were like best friends. So it was pretty fucked up. What a dick. Yeah. Wow. So if a guy tells you you can have sex with his wife. Yeah, be careful. Look around first. Oh, yeah. Look around the room. That's all we're saying.

You should fuck her, but you should look around the room. Why is that little red light under that baseball? I don't know. That's some security. You don't want to know about that. That's just a laser. Now water is Baba. Isn't he like a big, like a morbidly obese? I don't think so. Oh, I picked a big dude.

But I don't think he's he's like, well, I'm sure someone's going to email us and tell us how wrong I just got the story. So we'll just wait for that. No, you fucking retard. It's not what happened. So we'll just wait for that. But yeah, no, I don't think he's he's a big dude.

But he's his wife is his wife. And he might not be might be as she might be his ex-wife now. Well, that'll do it. Is a she was hot, very attractive. And I believe it's called cuckolding, right? Where you like to watch your wife. But he wasn't in the room. He left. He was like, I taped it.

No, no, it was like a like a camera. That he did it just for the monetary. Like so we'll have Hogan. That's what he says. Well, whatever. You're right. I've liked it for some. All right, we got to wrap this up. We got to know would you wrap her? I thought we are OK on it.

Are you ready for your answers are the best. That's one. Is this the remix? I like this one. Ready? Yeah, it's pretty good, right? Our would you rather start to the Cosby theme. Remix know why we started that. I don't know either. OK, would you rather say you're going to pick

between these two evils, obviously, would you? This is so dumb. Would you rather every time you make sweet love to your wife and you begach? It's clam chowder comes out of your penis. Oh, my God. It's not it's not totally disgusting. It's a little amusing, but it's kind of gross.

OK, so every time you ejaculate, it's going to be the kind of clam chowder that has like the large hunks of potato. Yes, really? So you have not not not only not only the soft little lumpy clam part, but you got this kind of like chunky carrots, little cubes, carrots, maybe little chunky carrots. Don't frighten me as much as the potato. Yeah, and but like your whole gets used to it.

So OK, and now is this is this is this white clam chowder or red clam chowder white white, clearly. I mean, duh. And in this scenario, your wife loves clam chowder. Yes, she loved it. OK. That or every time you sneeze, you just shit instantly. Wow. Well, like in your like, you just a full shit, a full shit. Well, if the scenario was my wife really loved the clam chowder and I was squirting clam chowder, I would definitely go with the clam

even if it had chunky potato parts that might be a little painful on the exit. Now, I jumped in there when I shouldn't have. So let's really if you you sweetened it for me. I did. So let's take that out of the equation. OK, let's actually reverse it. Your wife hates clam chowder. Do you still do the clam chowder or do you sneeze and shit? Maybe she's ambivalent. Do they have clam chowder in Holland?

No, you know what this is? No, she has no idea. You ever had clam chowder? You had it. And how do you feel about it? But she's on the edge. She's on the edge. How do you see everything, Tom? Should his fans? OK, I'd still go. I'd still go with the clam chowder. Clam chowder. Yeah. Interesting. OK.

What about you, T-bonds? Oh, definitely clam chowder. Just it'd be cool to just squirt something that was edible. Yeah, for sure. No, but imagine the process. But here's I got to tell you, as big of a fan of seafood as I am, I would be eating my own. Terrible. Yeah, I would be pretty. I would be like, I would be doing that thing where I roll myself

my butt over on my face and just like all day, just like, I'm having worse. Wait, but do you get a bread bowl too? This is a gross episode, huh? I know. That is so gross, babe. But here's the process. Your whole life. Oh, my God, you guys are so disgusting. You have to find a woman that enjoys clam chowder that much to understand, like, that's your whole 20s and your sexual

life where you're like, PS, I come to clam chowder. I don't know if you're in the clam chowder or not. It would take a lot. There's some fisherman's daughter and some some seaport. Some Alaskan chick. Who's like, clam chowder comes out of you like, do you like clam chowder? Oh, my God, I love clam chowder. And just like, I'm going to grab you the back of the head.

Don't watch. You're going to enjoy it. Surprise. I'm going to go for the other one. I would get your pants in your pants every time you sneeze. I don't sneeze that often. But that's a huge. But here's the thing. I sneeze in threes. I never just need one.

I sneeze. It's always a chew. And then there comes another one, a chew. And then it's it's always in patterns of threes. Yeah. So like, I would just shit my pants excessively. You'd be a lot. Yeah. And think about the times you do shit. It's going to be on a plane and a cab, you know, walking into a restaurant.

But you can also cut a sneeze off at the bend. Like, I've I've only got a sneeze and then you kind of I never accidentally come. So I mean, you could control the the out of clam chowder. This ended up being if I got on a little machine gun and sneeze thing, it would be really messy. Yeah. I would prepare for it. I would bring it. Adult diapers. Once I my sharded on a flight out to Africa.

Yeah. At my first shot. Well, playing. And it wasn't ideal, but I dealt with it. You know what I mean? And we're talking like a full loaf. I mean, she really shit. And I adapted and I moved on and it was OK. So I got sick flying back from Peru.

I know you're ending the show. I will try and no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. We can go a short version of this story. But we were on the island. We went to Lake Titicaca. Yes. Great name. We went to Amantani Island. OK. And it's populated by native people.

The these are ancestors of the Incas and there's no electricity. And we actually stayed with a family and they had a dirt floor kitchen and the woman was making us lunch and there's like chickens walking around and chicken shells. And I thought if I'm going to get sick in Peru, it's going to be here. Right. But I thought I'm going to eat whatever this woman puts in front of me because they were such lovely people. Didn't have a problem eating the food flying back to Amsterdam from Lima.

We stopped in Atlanta, Georgia for, I don't know, a 10 hour layover. And my Dutch colleagues wanted to go to an American mall. I know Atlanta really well. The Lennox Mall is this swanky mall. Yeah. We went there. We had lunch somewhere. I had undercooked bacon in my sandwich. And from Atlanta to Amsterdam, I was shitting and vomiting for I couldn't come out of the bathroom for hours.

And it was it was the worst. That is the absolute worst. And then finally, like I I get it together and then I'm trying to go back to my seat and somebody's standing there. Hey, pal, you might want to use a different, you know, it was that was the worst flight ever. Were you in coach? I was. No, I was in the economy. Yeah.

OK. Well, then that's rougher because you have so many people vying for those precious, precious toilets. I was in it for hours. It was brutal. That's my worst. But it's funny, I didn't get sick in Peru at all. Yeah, I got sick at the fancy fancy mall in Atlanta. I know, man, I've gotten nothing worse than flying, flying with stomach. I mean, stomach is the I think the worst of like the illnesses

that you can get and get over. I think I would rather be like sinus infection any day than the stomach, man. That is the absolute. I can't deal. I don't like it at all. I can't deal with it, but I've been real blessed, knock on wood in terms of getting diarrhea on planes and stuff for stomach problems. It hasn't happened, like I said, yet, but I kind of plan for it.

I'm a little neurotic. There's certain things I won't eat before flights. A few hours like bull, your best. Sloppy Joe's tacos. Tom and I made the mistake of eating Mexican food and then getting on the plane to Africa, which is why I sharded. That was so dumb. It was airport, Mexican. Exactly.

We got airport, Mexican and Atlanta. And then three weeks. Atlanta is a killer, man. It is. And then Africa for three weeks. Not a fucking problem. Well, I don't know. I had problems because I would eat the salads

and then I would wake up at like three in the morning and shit. Yeah, but some of that was just, you know, look at Tom Rhodes, like I can't believe you guys are so open about your. Yeah, I know, I know. We got to work on that. No, we got to dial it back. Why? It's too late. The Pandora's box has been opened.

I know. I just found another clip of Tom's dad. It was so quick. He was saying something about bikes. By bike. That's it. That was when I asked him, what am I getting for my birthday? Do you have one of Tom's dad in Florida? Yeah, because you're from Orlando, right?

I am from the. Yeah, I'm from a town called Oviedo outside of Orlando. I don't even know. And I did a lot of Florida coming up as a feature act. Yeah, I did almost every shithole in Florida. Yeah, there's no clubs in Oviedo. Never heard of it. Yeah. Yeah, Tom and I both went to high school in Florida. Shut the front door. Sure.

Oviedo High, Vero Beach, VB, man, 772. VB. This is a speech that Tom's father gave to him right before the Oviedo High School football team played in his last game. This personal right here, bro. It's personal. You have my face in my house disrespecting me.

I've got to do something about it. My family right there, bro. I've got to protect my mama. My mama sitting in the stands, man. Your parents sitting right there in your house, man. Your mama in the fucking stands. They're trying to disrespect me in my house and grab a fucking remote control.

That's exactly what they did. They come in your house, grab a remote control, Derek Willis, and control your fucking TV. And you're going for the house. TV, they can't run in the house. Put on the son of a shit you got on. And say, fuck you. Wow.

That was actually my brother. That was your brother. That was actually my brother. Wow, man. Actually, it sounded like my brother because my my family were Redskin fans. OK, so we were all born in Washington, D.C. Right. We moved to Florida when I was 12. OK. My father was an inch.

My father, he flew helicopters in Vietnam. And, you know, my father's a cool heroic shit in the war. But then he was an insurance salesman when I was growing up. And big difference. There was a guy that my dad invited over to our house to watch. It was the Redskins versus the Cowboys. And that's the biggest game, man. Right.

So my brother is an absolute football lunatic. And this guy that my dad had insurance is overwatched and he's rooting for the Cowboys in our house. And my brother loses his mind. He's going, fuck you, man. You are in a Redskins house eating Redskins. Potato chips sitting on a Redskins couch. You won't shut your fucking mouth.

If it's Redskins house. And like my brother was going to beat this guy's ass. And like, you know, my dad's doing business with it. Your dad, like, dude, dial it back. No, my dad had had a couple of drinks. I think he was, you know, amused by it. But that's that clip was clearly of my brother. Your brother, holy shit.

It reminded me exactly of that day. And I'll never forget. And the guy is shit in his pants and he didn't say another word for the rest of the game. Now, of course, my brother was like, oh, yeah, you know, the skins are losing. And my brother is definitely when he gets the high decibels, you know.

Oh, yeah, you don't. You do what he says. Here's your brother. Fuck you. See, that was him. When the guy said, look, I like the Cowboys. Yeah, you know, fuck you. Now. You said, I love that we didn't we didn't really address it.

You said that your family, you take pride in the fact that they kind of sound like black people, right? Yeah, we have a DC pride thing and DC's chocolate city for people who don't know. Yeah. And so my father and my uncle and my aunts and uncles, there's there's a certain blackness to our family and the way we articulate ourselves. I like that, man.

Can you close your eyes for a second? You know, OK, tell me if you hear your father, OK? Hey, Tom, I want you to call your mom and tell her thanks for the food and dinner. My father's dead, but I think he just came back to life. Holy shit. Wow. That was me. That was really. Yeah.

Do I feel like a black guy to you? No, but I think you should take me to a baseball game. Tommy, let's play this with Rhodes, though, seriously. OK. But you know what you got to do? You got to shout. You got to bring it up. Oh, yeah. OK, so Tom Rhodes, close your eyes. I do different black voices.

And tell me if you wait you here. Who are you here? OK, go ahead. So bad. Is that something like a black idea? Somewhat. Yeah. OK. OK. Black guys just yell in the street. That's what that is to me.

It's like yelling in the streets. I tell I've told the story before. But like one time I was hanging out in front of the comedy store here in L.A. And the car pulled up and Big Daddy Kane, famous hip hop artist, got out. So what I did was I saw when I saw him look the other way. I just I turn I saw where he was. He turned away for a second and I went, OK, like that.

And then I just saw him snap his head back. And he was like we just watched him. He was just looking for other. He's looking for the black person that he knew said that. But it was. But then there is. Tricked him. But there was also this time on Fairfax. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, we're in the Fairfax. We're in the car and I saw like a black dude

walking down the street and, you know, like just like he looked like like a brother from the streets. You know what I mean? Like he just had his hat turned to the side and baggy shit on. And I was just like, OK. And and like it was like he knew there was like a special bond where he was just like, look, look right back to me like he knew. He answered Tom's call to the.

Yeah, it was pretty amazing. Yeah, so I'm trying to get some voice over work, you know, that's going to do it. Yeah, you do that. Is that a good take? Hey, look at me. Hey, look at me. You just just try different.

Just try yelling out different products. Yeah. Hey, is that better? Yo, better overnight delivery, man. That could get me. That's really good. Dollar dollar menu, y'all. That's so good, man.

Do this. Wow, I like it already. What about Ovaltine? Go take a shit, man. Is that what it makes you do? I don't know what Ovaltine does. Oh, it teaches chocolate milk for kids. Delicious shit. That's good.

Is that good? That's really good. That's my loud black voice. Hey, Colligan, man. I don't know why. Colligan, man. Colligan, man. Does that company even exist anymore?

Is it that's the best? That's a water company. It's a water, yeah. Colligan water. Got a hydrate, man. There you go. All right. It's really ridiculous. This was so much fun.

Will you do this again? I would love to do this as often as possible. You have world tours. And let's just to remind everybody, we like to leave them on this. You guys are a stitch. It's fun, man. And you're a good guy.

Good times, right? We like having fun. And you know what we'll have next time? We'll have a fourth, Mike. Yes. And I'll force you to talk. We're forcing the. You are jumping in on the next one.

Can you say hello? Whenever I have an orgasm, I'm going to imagine it's clam-cham. Let's find out. Let's make sure. I mean, obviously we'll put this up when the episode goes up and there'll be links just for people to know. The website is at tomrodes.com. Tomrodes.net.

Ah, Tomrodes.net. Someone's had a website for a while. And Twitter. Underscore Tomrodes. Underscore Tomrodes. But Rhodes is spelled R-H-O-D-E-S. Like the Greek island. Ward.

There you go. Oh, bless you. Someone just shit her pants. Oh, she shit herself. Asha, say hi to people. Say hi, Asha. Just say hi, because. Yeah.

Say hi, Asha. Is Asha. I'm sorry. Asha. I've been calling you Asha. Asha. Aw. This is adorable.

Tom's lovely. She never wants to get in on the show business. I wish we were, you know, right now, like I just imagined us like that we were on vacation right now. Yeah. Like we could do a couples trip. And like if we were in like Kauai right now, I'd be like, all right, so let's just,

I'm just going to clean up and you guys ready to go have dinner and drinks. And then we would go watch sunset or whatever and just get hammered. It'd be fun. Get steaks or fish. I am. Asha's got stories.

I know, man. Did you grow up in Amsterdam? No, no, Rotterdam. Rotterdam. But in the Netherlands, yeah. So you kind of, I mean, you grew up like super liberal and hip and cool and stuff. Wow, do you smoke weed?

No. Because can we just say. She hates it. Uh-uh. What? Really? Most Dutch people, it's not cool to smoke weed. Really?

Because it's legal. They teach their children that if you, the common saying in Holland is that only teenagers and tourists smoke weed. It's true. So if you're over 30 and you're still smoking weed, you're kind of looked down upon in Dutch society. It's like being in a New Yorker.

I didn't have a shit together. You're still smoking weed after 30. So what you're saying? A New Yorker that hangs out in Times Square, right? You're like, fucking new. The impression that I got in Holland the second, I've been there once before, but this time around, like hanging out with Rhodes and all the other people

and kind of knowing the people, they are a bit more conservative than we think. They're very conservative. It's a very Calvinistic Christian society where they believe in partying, but after you've worked a 16-hour day. Yes. You can't just party and not have earned it.

Right. They're very liberal, I'm sure. That's probably why it's such... They're open-minded sexually in a lot of ways. So how does that come into play, though, with the Calvinistic work ethic and the... You know what I'm saying? Because we're very puritanical.

The Americans have a work ethic, but there's no sense of, well, you can pay for sex as long as we profit off of it. It's awesome. There's not that logical step that the Dutch have taken. Do you understand? Right, well, the Dutch are, historically, great business people.

Is that what it is? They also, it would be frowned upon if your Dutch colleague, you knew, went to prostitutes. Oh, okay, but for tourists. So they recognize it needs to exist, and it's going to exist, and why not make money off of it in a business sense? So prostitution and drugs,

they, it's more a moneymaker for the people that visit there. And it's worked, correct? Has it worked? Yeah, I mean... I mean, for society and for being profitable, because I kind of wish America, like I saw a documentary. Right, and then they can regulate, like, you know, the prostitutes have to have,

I think it's every three months, like AIDS tests and be tested, so they can control diseases with legalizing drugs. They can contain it. They can, you know, keep it in certain areas, and they know where things are happening instead of it being at the schoolyard, or in where the rich people live.

Because I saw this documentary about heroin addicts, and what the government was doing was giving free heroin out to those junkies, like, so the junkies knew to show up at this time and place, and that they would get free drugs, and the drugs were clean. They didn't have to rob other people to get drug money, and it kind of worked.

Well, it used to be, like, in the 80s, there was a 60-minutes thing on Needle Park in Vondelpark, and older people sometimes asked me, oh, there's a park there where everybody's lying around on heroin. No, that was in the 80s, they cleaned it up, and when I had one of those five-minute films at Christmas time, there's a food mobile truck

that goes around and feeds homeless people, and then we stopped, on the outskirts of Amsterdam, there's a building, it looks like an old elementary school building or something, where the drug addicts are, the heroin addicts, and they can go there and shoot up all day long, like you're saying, with free needles, clean drug. There's an agency in Amsterdam where you can take them,

anyone can take your cocaine or heroin and take it to this government agency, and they'll take a little piece of it, and they'll test it and go, oh, that's very strong, and it'll kill you, or oh, this is such and such, and then they will give you your drugs back. They're very much about reasoning and safety, and we understand people are gonna do things

even though we might not like it, but we don't want you to die. Now, but how did they become such a reasonable, logic-based, that's a very logic-based way of running your society. Americans, we confuse Christianity with government. We're still a very heavy Christian leaning. Now, how is it that the- Americans have a hard time understanding

that there can be a code of morality outside of Christianity. Right. That someone could have a moral sense of what's right or wrong and not be a Christian. It can have zero ties to any type of religion at all. Yeah, they could just be morally decisive about, hey, this is good, this is bad,

I'm not affiliated with any group whatsoever, but I just am, because that's actually looked at with suspicion in America. Yeah. You know what I mean? Wait, you're not Christian, and you're not religious, and you're trying to say what's good or bad. There's no value placed on that here.

No, because we don't believe that you can have ethics and morals unless it's tied to the New Testament. Right. Or the Old Testament. But, okay, so historically, the Dutch are descendants of what Vikings, is that what we're looking at? The national anthem says,

I have German blood in me, and they're right next to Germany. Yeah. I think they're... Well, the Germans are very logical as well. I mean, I'll find the little two or... But they hate Germans, and they hate when you compare them to Germans.

Everybody hates the Germans. But it's funny, the first line of their national anthem says, I have German blood in me. And yet they hate the Germans. She's looking at you like fucking seriously. What say, is it the first line of the, what say the national anthem? What's the, is it the first or second line?

Please. Please. Come on. And I have German blood in me. Say it. In Dutch? Yes. In Dutch, in Dutch.

Do it. Do it, do it. She's had a few. Can you see? Now I have to talk at three o'clock in the morning now. Okay, let me start it for you. By the dawn. Gershlig, Lursen, Soutansen, Vilden.

The Mercedes. Duitschenblutsch. Wegen, Duitschenblutsch. Yeah. Moitschen, Blötschen, Duitsch. Moitschen, Duitschen, Duitsch. BMWs are fast. Is that it?

All right. This is crazy now. That is interesting. And I like that they're, but the Netherlands are generally more rational. Like for instance, I saw this thing about Norway that they allow prisoners like murderers. They just put them on this island.

And these guys just hang out and they get to go home on the weekends. It is pretty, yeah. They're prison, our prison system, you watch the, you watch our shows. Prison is the fucking, the deepest pit of hell in the United States. Like then we don't actually believe in like,

you know, this is a, like, you just think about removing you from society. There's gonna be a real valiant attempt made at reforming you. Here it's just like you are going to the shithole. And over the day, like in Norway, like you're saying that Norway, it was like. Rehabilitation.

It's rehabilitation. It's like, think about what you did. Like, let's. Maybe you can go home if you're good on the weekends and let you walk around and look at nature and stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe you'll become a human after this. You'll stop murdering people.

Here it's like in America, it's like you go to prison like you will want nothing more, but to murder more after this experience. You haven't murdered yet? You will murder after this. Yeah, and learn cool techniques. Wow. All right.

All right, and one more time, what is the name of the new album and the new special where they can find it? Colossus of Me is the new CD. Double CD. Double CD, you can get it on iTunes and Amazon. And my new special is Light Sweet Crude, and it's on Netflix.

And you can also download it from my website, tomrodes.net and chill.com. Oh, chill. A little $5 download situation. All the hot little smart kids are doing. That's what I wanna do next. I'm, you know, I think that's so brilliant. Did you have a good experience doing that?

Just started out. I didn't realize I could tell it independently until a few days ago. That's the way to go. So, great. That's the way to go. Awesome, good for you. Mr. Tom Rhodes, thank you for coming to your mom's house.

We love you. Please come out. Next time, seriously though, because we found that place with the dinner that we had the awesome dinner at. Yes. We should do podcasts and then go have dinner. Oh man.

That'd be awesome. Oh man. You guys are here. Good dinner. February. Yeah, we're here. Come back, please. Tom Rhodes will be back, everybody.

With Oshna and she'll have a make or find. I'll try to get my wife to talk next time. Yeah, and we'll leave you more wine. More wine. Talk about your butt flute, honey. Now you're getting it. That's what we do at your mom's house. We'll leave you with...

And thank you for all the recordings of my father. Oh yes, of course. Oh my God. It's still great to hear his voice again. We'll leave you with another sample of Tom's father and then a song to take you out. Thanks again for coming. Thank you listeners for listening.

Don't forget to go to your mom's house podcast.com and check out all the new stuff in the store, the real mommy's only shirt, the wipe down collection bundle. So fun. Yeah, and of course have a happy Hanukkah and a merry Christmas. In the spirit of Hanukkah,

can I just say that Bette Midler, if you're listening, I meant every word of it. Hey, he wants you. He wants you, everybody. Okay. Got it. Bye, meows. God damn it, never nice.

That never nice. Never nice. Never nice, never nice. Set it off, bitch. Set it off, bitch, mother fucker. Your hands, everybody. If you got what it takes, cause I'm K.R.S.

and I'm on the mic and premier's on the waves. If you don't know me by now, I doubt you'll ever know me. I never wanna cry me. I won't win a pony but I'm not the only answer. Keepin' it real. Win a trap to make this match, you rapper. Girls go, ew. Check the promise, I promise.

1995, whatever, ah-ah-ah. The party hits live. Flow with the master rhyme. That's the lead behind the video, rapper. Get on the chalk, driver. Tapper. Down goes another rapper. On to another man.

Punch up the data. Blast, master. Now the brains to breathe over nearly everybody. Call a K.R.S. Guaranteed to rip a party. Black top braids, warheads or not to be trekked. It once was a story about a man named Ken. But now Jed is dead.

All his kids is dead. Wanna kick bombs at the top of their heads? Words will go around, come around, I figure. Now we got white kids callin' themselves niggas. The tables turn as the crosses burn. Remember, you must learn. About the stars, I'm blippin' how wild I get. I go on like a space safe pocket ship.

You could be a map, a pimp, hustler, a player. But make sure life is a good bomb safe. M.C. Zach, like they don't know. M.C. Zach, like they don't know. M.C. Zach, like they don't know. M.C. Zach, like they don't know. M.C. Zach, like they don't know. This is what you ate it all year for, the hardcore.

And so K.R.S. is here for. Bigger brand, where's your beard all gettin' ill? If you see, then you're sore. I mean, you're grillin' mad skill. M.C.'s can only battle with rhymes, they got punch lines. Let's battle and see who had rhymes. Instead of flow, flow, flow. Let's go show for show.

Toe for toe, yo, you better act like you know. Too many M.C.'s take that word M.C. lightly. They can't move a crumb, not even slightly. It might be the fact that they express wackness. Let me show you whose ass is the blackest. I flip a strip, I let you bit you by the different shit. Too sick to get with it and make you bit your stylist. Out of it, now turn it down a bit.

My title, you will never get, I'm too intelligent. I send you privately my sentiments, my style is toxic. When I rock it, shock it, hit hop it, I lock your head, I knock it. And split quick from the lyrics, direct hit. Perfect hit, you can't get with it. M.C. Zach, like they don't know. M.C. Zach, like they don't know.