Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - Top Dog, Charo & OMG Maria - 355-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: August 3, 2016

This is the type of thing denim was built for - the ultimate Momisode. If you're a HARD F'n CORE mommy you are in for a treat. Three of the most outrageous, hilarious and central people on this show are all in the episode and we had them IN studio. Sit back, relax and let the people who shaped Tommy Jeans entertain you by just being themselves. Plus we have Fat updates and much more!

I'm Zagorong, Christina Pajitski. I'm full of your jeans, boy, pull them up tight. But you're out of his shit, I live your whole life blind. Bites! Next stop, round top. You better wipe down dope. Has the tape to listen to their mommies with the crown? Oh, wipe down, or is it wipe up?

Oh, my God, seriously? Fill her up, or sail a shot? Oh, yeah, and that's gooder than a bitch. I be flossin' my T28 inch rim. My T-P off, be shinin' man, honky ass white. Who just bought it? Was it the old man? All I know was bikes.

Hey, buddy, guess who it is? Man, it be top dog. Spread the knowledge all about the shits. Mommie T and mommie C. Flexin' all the good as gas. Watchin' clips and talkin' shit. The mommie is the best. But I want to say this once we fold the shit out.

Man, mommies for life. Fuck bein' a drop, y'all. Are you kidding me? That's classic. That's plum. So good. Plum. We have the best music on the show.

Dude, we were in the car yesterday just listening to song submissions. That's ridiculous, man. We just went through our podcast feed. Yeah. And then played the opening songs. And just jammed out on the car yesterday. So much fun. How many great musicians listen to this show.

It's fucking awesome. It's pretty amazing. It's pretty amazing. Yeah, we're always impressed and we always love it. So always encouraging anybody musically inclined to send your instrumentals, send your songs like this masterpiece by plum. It's just so cool how that's become part of the show. Yeah, it happens so organically, too.

Yeah, I remember this one. Yeah, it's good. It's good. This reminds me of Redondo when we used to record there. So you want to... Well, we should announce this, first of all. First of all, that there's a Live Your Moms House podcast coming up. My God.

It's part of the Burbank Comedy Festival. And it is Monday, August 15th, 5 p.m. We are doing your Moms House podcast live in Spurnbank at LaPair's Comedy Club. Get tickets now. That will definitely fill up. It's going to be really fun. So make sure you check that out. James, do you want to plug some other dates?

I do. Yeah. So I'm starting to tour again. I'm doing one nighters starting in Seattle, aka... Wait. Oh, I'm at the T-Com... To Come On Your Comedy Club. Selam Shut Come In Me Club.

Wow. You like that one? Yeah. And then September 28th, Portland, or Pork A Man's Hole. Helium Comedy Club. I'm excited to do that one. You like Helium. I like all the Heliums.

Yeah. I've never done a Helium. And then October 4th, Dallas, Fallis, Hyenas. Another good club. Yeah. I've fallen off the stage there before. I hope I don't fall off this time. October 5th, Huge Dump, Texas.

Wow. AKA Houston. Nice play on Houston. Yeah. Secret Group. These are all submitted by listeners. The Secret Group is a new venue, I think. Is that right?

Yeah. It's a silly name. I know. I worked with them as promoters. So they were called the Secret Group, and I was like, okay. Right. But then they opened a club based on their promotional name. So it's called the...

Hey, do you want to go down to the Secret Group tonight? Yeah. It's weird. But hey, I guess it works. It works. You know? Go to the Secret Group, guys. And then...

All right. This instrumental is giving me anxiety. I gotta do something else. So it's too intense, right? Yeah, it's too much. October 23rd, Indianapolis. Mommyapolis. Morty's Comedy Club.

October 24th. Shit's a splatty. Ohio. That's really great. Cincinnati. Go bananas. And then December 9th and 10th. Met the DC Improv.

That's it. That's great. And then usually every Saturday at the comedy store, early show, and the OR, 7.30 show. Come see me. Nice. This week, your main water guzzling show You're the worst.

Tommy Buns will be in Titmonium, Maryland. Titmonium. That's good. Also just outside of Balls and Horses, Maryland. Wait, I have another one for you. Are you doing Balls and Horses? Yeah. Oh, I'll wait until you get to that one then.

That's it right now. Oh, Baltimore, Burt Waysmore. Submit it from listeners, guys. Burt Waysmore, Maryland. I'm at Magooby's Joke House. What a name. Another... Thursday through Saturday.

Then next weekend, come all over our bus, Ohio. Oh, I've got another one for you. Colon Rust. Colon Rust. Wow. In light of your upcoming colonoscopy. And that is going to be August 11, 12, and 13. That's a great club.

I really do love Columbus. It's a great comedy thing. I love Columbus. It's all like non-binary too. Yes. Then super non-binary. Then of course the live podcast, a string of dates with the oddball tour, which is a, it's absurd.

It's all amphitheaters and arenas and shit. It's ridiculous. And then after that nonsense that craziness ends, I go back to reality and I'm doing Charlotte, North Carolina, the comedy zone in October. Cobbs in Man Frandisco, California. October 20th through 27th, the 22nd. And then I'm going to Jewdork Titties, Caroline's, and also

Louisville. Louisville. What about Louisville is what? Poo on meville? Lose her, lose herville. Lose her, lose her. No, I'm going to call you. No, looser her.

Oh, looser herville. Yeah. Yeah. I'm like, I'll lock Louisville. All right. My goodness. Jeans. I don't fucking tell you.

Oh, guys. You ready to do our opening clip jeans? Yeah. Let me grab the baby jeans. All right. It's unbelievable. We have baby jeans in studio right now. Just woke up from his nap.

See if you can get us to make a noise. Let's see if he'll talk to you guys. Hold on. He's a little distracted. Yeah. He's not going to go on and on. He's just got up from his nap and I know a lot of you don't believe that he exists.

So baby jeans, say something to the audience. Can you talk? Can you talk, buddy? What's up? Maybe if I annoy him, he'll talk. You want to talk? You want to talk? Come on, buddy.

Say something. Huh? Nothing? Now you're shy? You're not going to say anything? Come on. Come on, man. We're rolling.

You got it. This is your moment. No? No. All right. Well, he's eight months old. So he's just starting to make sounds. Maybe he'll talk once we start talking.

Yeah. He's turning the microphone. Yeah. He likes to grab things. Thank you. Are you grabbing? Yeah. Oh, there you go.

He just hit the mic. That's excellent. All right. You ready to start the show? Let's go. Let's go. Who's fatter? Tom Segura or Bert Kreischer?

That's a very good question. It's a very good question. I don't know if you realize this, but two of my very good friends, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer, they're both hilarious guys, and they have decided to do this thing where they're calling each other fat.

They're both, I love them both to death, but they could both lose a couple of pounds. They could both lose a little. And they've just decided to have this public thing where it's like hashtag Bert is fat, hashtag Tom is fat. I'm going to move my phone to this new thing. Ooh, that's better.

And so they sell t-shirts, like hashtag Tom is fat and hashtag Bert is fat t-shirts, and all the proceeds for the sales of those go directly to them. So you're not helping any fucking charities. No starving kids are getting fed. They're just going to buy food and get fatter.

This shit is big time. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Your mom in the fucking stand. Welcome, welcome, welcome to your mom's house. With Tom Segura, Tom Segura, and Christina Pajitski. Welcome to your mom's house. Oh, man.

Super good. Yeah, that was hilarious. So I got Baby Jean's on my lap and he's grabbing the microphone. He's looking around. Maybe he'll talk. I don't know. What are you going to talk? Can you say something, bro?

Can we can't, can we can't get like a... Well, he's not in the mood. He just woke up maybe in a little bit. He'll get chatty in a minute here. He'll get annoyed. That's hilarious. Joe did a, Joe Rogan, our buddy, did episode 827 of his podcast where he just did a Q&A.

That's how massive that guy's show is. He can just be like, Q&A something. For like three hours. And then, and, and like, and probably get, you know, whatever, a million downloads. Crazy. But people have been hitting him up. Who's fatter?

Because he's been, I've been seeing, I've been tagged and tweets on, on, you know, on Twitter where they're, they're tagging him. You're like, so Joe, you haven't weighed in yet. Who's fatter? I like that he, he didn't say who's fatter. He just said you both needed to lose some LBs. Yeah, yeah, he did. Yeah.

And that you guys are just going to buy. Yeah. You're going to buy more food. That's right. That's right. What do you think, Ellis? Who's fatter?

00:11:09,280 --> 00:11:10,320 Your dad in Berkracia. Who do you think? Oh, who's fatter? Are you going to weigh in on this? Are you going to eat the microphone? That's a cool thing that babies do. They just put everything in their mouth. Yeah.

Super fun for moms to watch. Okay. Well, anyways, uh, very cool that he mentioned you guys. Yeah. And your fatness. Yes. He went on a little bit here. That's, it's pretty funny if you want to hear.

Sure. And in Bert's case, he's probably going to buy boxes of wine. Bert drinks boxes of wine in an evening. And someone's trying to explain to me how many bottles of wine that is. And we don't really know. I could Google that. I'm going to Google that right now. Let's find out.

Yeah. If you had a guess, how many boxes of wine would you say? What do you think is in that? A one box is probably, I mean, two bottles. Let's take a guess. How many or how many bottles are there? How many bottles of wine are in a box? All right.

How many bottles of wine are in a box? Well, you know, wine is such a... I'm good. Before I click on it, I'm going to say, I think, I think it was nine. I'm going to say nine. What? What? What?

That seems like a lot. Four bottles. Four. Okay. Oh, no, no. Okay. Wait. Six and two-thirds bottles.

All right. Here it goes. 750 milliliter bottles. How many 750 milliliter bottles are there in a five-liter box of wine? 00:12:40,320 --> 00:12:41,760 It's six and two-thirds. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

And if it's a three-liter box of wine, it's four bottles. Oh, my God. But wine is so bush-legged to a Bert, though. You know, he's the machine. That's what he starts with. That's the appetizer. That's cooking it up, man. Yeah, that's an hors d'oeuvre.

I bet he's drinking the six and two-thirds in a night. I think he's done more than one. Yeah. I forget what he said. Yeah. But he's definitely drank at least one box in a night on a regular basis. So that's four bottles of wine. I would be dead.

I don't know how he does it. Well, he's definitely fat. I mean, that helps. And then it's also, there's a... That helps. I love that helps. So he drinks a box every night, you think? I don't think so.

No. I mean, Bertran also, he moves it around. Like, he doesn't just stick to one style. Like, sometimes it's beer. Sometimes it's... Yeah, I thought he was a beer guy. He likes beer. He likes shots, you know.

He's the machine. He's the party guy. Yeah. No one parties like Bert. No one parties like Bert. I have that first full weekend of oddball with him. Oh, my God. And I'm like, I'm going to have to like...

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Detox before and after. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. And plus, you guys are going to get a lot of fat shaming together. We're going to get fat shaming together. We're going to get...

A lot of people can be weighing in, like as you're performing probably. Probably. You're fat. We're going to hear... Tom's fatter. Like, from thousands of people. And then also on that, on oddball, you know, we, him and I,

we're not the big dogs on the show. So you do like a 15 minute set. And then you're, you're done. Right. So you got, you have to drink is what you're saying. I think she just walked by. Oh, okay. Let me, we should...

Can you, can you pass them off real quick? Okay. Yeah. Press pause. Press pause. All right. So now baby jeans is back in his crate. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Yeah. It's a family affair here. And now we have two dogs in here. And we replaced the dog with the two, two other babies. There's always babies now. Bubbles. Bubbles.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Well, what's really interesting about the bird is fat phenomenon, and let's be honest, there is no Tom is fat phenomenon. It is heavily weighted, no pun intended on Bert Kreisler, Bert Kreisler. Right. And it is a phenomenon.

I mean, if you look at the Montreal Comedy Festival, gave him his itinerary and it said burnt Kreisler. It said Bart Kreisler. Bart Kreisler. Yeah. We've been getting countless tweets of you wearing the shirts. We've been getting international submissions for Bert is fat. Yeah.

It's just taken and it's taken the world by storm. Yeah. It's really great. And I don't think it's I think it's just because people love, I don't know why this particular thing took off, maybe because it's just fun to, to fat shame people is, you know, not that that's bad. I think it's great.

No, it's, it is. I'm not maligning this. I think this is a wonderful public service. So let's say we are describing people in Latin for using adjectives. So let's say the adjective baseless means fat. Let's try using that for sentence. So put this on the board. Let's say Bart Kreisler, baseless, fat.

Did everyone say that together? Bart Kreisler, baseless, fat. Exactly. That's very good. Okay. Moving on. Oh my God. Oh my God.

That was amazing. Oh my God. Thank you. That is Beardo from Australia. Thank you. Mom's Australia. From mom's Australia. Yeah.

That is unbelievable. Wow. That was amazing. Thank you for doing that. See what I'm saying? It's a worldwide phenomenon. Yeah. And let's hope that it motivates Bert to,

to stop being so fat. So undeniably, unapologetically fat. No remorse. Right. No remorse whatsoever. It's, it's offensive. Yeah. I'm offend.

Yeah. It's quite, quite horrific to be in the present. Should we call him by a new pronoun? Like a fat pronoun? I don't know, man. So that's an interesting way framing it. Maybe he needs a new pronoun. Thank you for licking when you need fancy.

Thanks, Bitz. We have quite a show lined up for everybody. This is not your typical mom show. The jeans machine and I, we have a special family edition. I mean, you basically heard our little son barely murmur. But we also have my sister, OMG Maria was here. Oh, okay. I sat with her in studio.

For a while, talked to her. I'm going to get into that. And then I have almost a full hour of Top Dog and Charo. Oh my God. To start things off, why don't we get the Maria portion? Oh my God. Your sister, when she was here, was on all cylinders. Yeah.

Do you realize what she, she flew across the country with a one year old. It's unbelievable. And on, on connecting flights. Yeah. And then showed up here and the baby was exhausted. And she just, it just, it just rolls off her back. Like I envy that level of like, I don't care.

That's what, let's go. And I think we need to, one thing we didn't think about is how much our show luckily has grown since the early days for people that are joining us that maybe have been listening for a month or so. And they're like, what's the big deal? The foundation of this show in a lot of ways is OMG Maria who in the old days, man, we would get her on the phone and she would just be fired up about some LCs or DCs.

Those are lazy cunts and dumb cunts Starbucks, fucking up her Starbucks order. I never thought that Maria would stop drinking coffee, but she did. I know it's a bummer for our show. I know. I want to encourage her. I don't care about her health. I want the content.

I know. She drinks tea now, which just does not as fun. It's not as fun. And she's not as angry as she used to be at Starbucks. Because the caffeine, she would order like three or four drinks per day and that would make her angrier. Yeah. And she's naturally fired up.

So it's fucking amazing. It's like the caffeine was throwing kerosene on her personality. It was perfect. So anyways, I want to play for you the Maria conversation. And then we'll come back and we'll talk and we'll get you into the top dog and Charles conversation. I can't wait to hear this. All right.

Here we go guys. OMG Maria. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Seriously. Seriously.

Seriously. Seriously. Oh my god. You take your fucking scissors. Oh my god. These are pudgy fucking monkey hands. Seriously. Cut the box open.

Cut a hole in it. And pour it in a goddamn bottle. Oh my god. Seriously. Email. Okay. All these body fluids come out of you. You think there's one coming at you?

It's either semen or something or something else. Semen would be from three days ago? Yeah. You know, I got pregnant with West in five days after we had sex. And there was still, usually when we have sex, it still leaks out of me for like a few days after. Because apparently I have a very mucus-y cervix. How do you, how do you find out something like that? The doctor told me.

Because when we estimated the date of conception, I was in California and Jeff was in Chicago. I'm like, I had sex with him a week ago. Is that unusual? I don't really know. I mean, I think usually what happens within two or three days, because they die. I don't know exactly how it happens. But apparently, with his strong swimmers and my super mucus-y cervix, it just hangs out in there. So like five days later, it's just leaking out.

Whoa. That's why I can't wear thongs usually. Yeah. I can't, you know, I have to wear underwear with like something there for like a week after. A week after sex. Yeah. Or if he like comes in me, or I can't have a massage like, you know, if we have sex that day for a few days, because it's happened once before where I was having

like a massage and it was like, it was like gross. So like a snail trail after I got it from the, it was so disgusting. I know. It's so gross. They're all everywhere right now. Yeah. Oh, lesbians do it. Like knowing what the shit comes out of your body, it's, I don't get it.

Wait, wait. You don't understand lesbians do what? Like knowing what comes out of your body, how they like go downtown on each other. Oh. Yeah. Really? Yeah. I'm like, I know.

I mean, when I'm knowing what comes out of me, and the worst part is as you get older, it's stinkier. So you're like, when you see like older lesbians, you're like, I can't understand it. Yeah, I don't understand it. I'm like, it's so gross down there. Because you feel gross. I feel disgusting. Yeah. I think it's disgusting.

Like the vagina as you get older is just disgusting, especially every other kid. It's just gross. Everything about is disgusting. Not the hairy balls and saggy balls that are better. It's actually the same argument could be made when you think about it. What you're saying applies to a straight man with a woman as they get older, because that's also an older vagina. See what I mean?

Yeah. It's an old vagina. But I mean, it's the same thing. The same concept. So him, him lapping it up every night or whatever. Yeah. You know, it's disgusting. It's disgusting.

What about old dicks though? Take it. I know, I'm saggy. And I haven't been with a really old dick. Really? No. And Jeff is younger. So.

Right. I've been with, well, I haven't been with, but I've seen my dad's balls. Is it so disgusting? I mean, I've seen on videos, like old saggy and they're so wrinkly. His balls. I'm not even kidding you. Actually, it's been a while now. But I've been in their bedroom where he, you know, he changes.

So he drops his underwear down and bends. And like, it looked like animal testicles. Like. They're that big and they were, they hang. Were enormous. Oh my God. It looked like goat. Holy shit.

Like pig nuts. Yeah. God. Yeah. And I was like, whoa, dad. He was like, what are you doing? I'm like, look at your balls, man. Look at your balls.

I'm going to talk to him about his balls. Have you ever seen that video? The nut bra? The nut bra? Yeah. They did a little comedy thing about, because, you know, old men, as they would go to the bathroom because their balls start to drop and sag and they would drop in the toilet.

Sure. So someone came up with like a nut bra. It was a, you know, a joke. Sure. But now, you know, you don't sit on your balls anymore and you don't have to worry about them dropping in the toilet. It was really funny. There's that, there's that story about, you know, Mr.

Belvedere, remember that show? Yeah. That he sat on his nuts at a read through. Oh my God, that's awful. They had to delay shooting an episode once, yeah. She sat on his, his testicles. That sounds awful. I know.

I know. So gross. I've actually heard that getting kicked in the nuts is the equivalent of pain for man, like getting kicked hard is the equivalent of pain as like, you know, labor contractions. But the only thing is labor contractions go on and on and on. It's so horrible. Yeah.

It hasn't happened obviously in years. They did, they measured pain, like they actually like, they measured pain receptors on a man and they kicked him in the nuts. Oh my God. I mean, the idiot that was willing to do this is amazing. But, um, and then they did it, you know, women, the pain receptors. It's a weird thing. I've never, I mean, I'm, I'm really all about whatever get,

whatever turns you on is, you know, it's fine. Yeah, it's your thing. But there is a whole, whole segment of, you know, adult erotica that's, about dudes getting kicked in the walls. What? Yeah. Yeah. I didn't love it.

Yeah. They love it. Oh my God. There's some sick people. Well, you know, I think I can understand that. The guys sign up for it and they get kicked fucking hard, hard and repeatedly, not once. And sometimes they cough up and they get blood coming out of their dicks.

Oh my God. Yeah. And they, I mean, they signed up for it. I saw porn ones when a guy had like a, like a long metal tube being shoved. Oh my God. Oh my God. The tip of his penis. I just don't get it.

The pain thing. No, that, that thing I definitely don't get. Yeah. It's horrific. Yeah. Well, so it's eating stool and like shitting on each other. Yeah. Nobody.

There's something seriously wrong with these people. Yes. I totally agree. And I want to know what goes through their head that they think like, this is normal. I'm definitely going to find a great woman that wants to do this with me. She's quality material. I know.

So I don't think I've ever had you. Have I ever had you in studio? I did once before, right? Yeah. And uh, Redondo. Okay. So obviously people are a big fan of yours. Everyone's always been surprised that you stopped drinking Starbucks.

But where do you encounter your LCs and DCs these days? Because that was like the main place used to get them before. Living in Florida, you find a surprising number of them. Well, one, the worst, I think the greatest population of LCs and DCs would be at Kmart. I went once. I will never return. The second group is definitely Walmart. Yeah.

Unfortunately, I have to go there every now and then. Sam Club is the fattest group of LCs and DCs. Really? It's horrible. I actually at the point now that on the weekends, I refuse to go to Publix, Sam's Club or Walmart, any grocery shopping. I can't deal with it anymore. Because of how fatt they are.

And how disgusting and how obnoxious and rude. So Sam's Club, you know, you go, we go on the weekend. We did our bulk shopping of stuff. And it's all have also happens to be sample day. So every aisle has samples and you have these like heifers. I mean, these huge families and they bring the whole fucking family. I mean, it's not like mom or dad doing the groceries. It is mom, dad, brother, sister, grandma, the wheelchairs.

They've got the automated wheelchairs everywhere. Yeah. And they just stop and they just go on these feeding frenzies. It's like going on a carnival cruise. All you can eat buffet. It's disgusting. And you and I just want to go get a fucking rotisserie chicken and some toilet paper. But you can't get through the aisle and I lose my shit.

So I can't. I told you I like it makes me angry. Yeah. It's my weekend. Like I just want to go buy some things and go home and I can't go through anywhere. Do you get really angry when you see like your super obese people? No, I don't get angry when I see obese people. I get angry when they make the whole, they feel like, you know, I'm, I'm inconveniencing

their, you know, eating frenzy and they just, you know, they're in, they're in my way of everything. Like animals. They're like animals. Yeah. And it's like my fault. Like they're like, excuse me, I'm trying to eat a sample here as long as well as the rest of the store. And you just see like what they're doing. Like I just, I don't understand.

Like if you're at the point where you can't see your genitals or your feet, why do you think it's okay to go get like mass quantities of like pork ribs and Cheetos. And it's disgusting. And you just, I remember when we were in, obviously, but yeah, we were in high school. Yeah. There was a pretty big kid at the other high school. Okay. And one of my friends told me that was good friends with him.

Cause I became kind of friends with him, but one of my friends was good friends with him. Told me that his family made every meal with bacon and that they saved the bacon grease and that they would use the bacon grease to like cook and flavor things with. I'd never heard of that since then or before then. I did that with duck fat. Really? Yeah. When I cooked duck, I saved the grease and I'll use it to like saute potatoes or vegetables.

She said they had jars, multiple jars. It's disgusting. I mean, I would say one jar and it would last me forever. Yeah. And every meal is that they have bacon sausage. They were big people too. Yeah. But there comes a point where you're like, you know what?

This, you look at everyone else around you and you're like, something's wrong. I can't see my feet. I should probably do something about it. I think that's, yeah, that is the way. I think what happens with when their families have those epidemics is that you've made it normal at your home. So when you're feeding your kids, I mean, you take your kids to go give them sugary drinks and a bunch of crap and garbage.

And that's all they know. It's the norm for them. Yeah. It's the same thing with like all those teenage moms that, you know, these, so when I was doing that, the classes at the women's care center, yeah, you know, and I would have these girls. I mean, they're girls like in high school coming in. They're on their third or fourth pregnancy and they had no interest in ever doing anything.

They're like, oh, just get on wick and, you know, food stamps and welfare. And it's normal. Like this is what the norm is to them. There's zero dream or aspirations to do anything more with your life. It's depressing. Yeah. Now I got to say you, you have this unreal drive to, to work out. Yes.

It's so cool. Where do you think that comes from where you, where you work out so savagely? To get my aggression out. I need a healthy outlet. Really? Yeah. I mean, I need to do something to get my frustrations out and energy and. Where do the frustrations come from?

You think everybody has frustrations. I mean, you know, like working kids. It's exhausting. So it's like that like life in general. Yeah. I mean, like when things piss you off and if you didn't do that, you just be like, I mean, terrible bitch. I'd be intolerable.

Really? Yeah. I mean, you've seen it was before like even in high school. Like if something, if I get mad, I mean frustrated. I need, you know, you just are families the same will explode. Yeah. If I don't find some way to get it out. Yeah.

True. I feel similar. Yeah. I mean, I need somewhere to explode and I can just, I can be aggressive. I'm not hurting anybody. I need, I have, we all have aggressive genes. I need somewhere to get that out. That's not going to harm others.

Yeah. I mean, you, for people to know you flew from the east coast, you connected in Dallas, you had delays. You got here in the evening. At nine. I wasn't like. Yeah. We went to bed relatively late and then you got up really early. I know.

Fucking cakes got up so early. And then when I got up, you'd run five miles and most of it is at an incline, a severe incline. I know, I was not prepared for that one. Pushing that stroller up that hill was not what I was expecting. What you did, first of all, I have yet to see, I don't want to give away my address, but in this neighborhood, I have yet to see anybody run where you were running. And that's a walk. You know, most people walk up that slowly.

That's crazy that you were able to run five miles and that, and you did it, but what, at seven in the morning? No, I did it. I think at nine. Nine? I don't think so. Maybe eight. Maybe eight. I don't, I have no idea.

I was up so early. I just didn't know. I just needed to get her calm. I was like, okay, here we go. So after that run, you feel totally like. More balanced. I do. I was telling me my legs were shot afterwards.

I was tired, but I felt really calm the rest of the day. I was super. Chill. And then like today, what will you do? You and I are going to do a burpee circuit, a burpee challenge. A burpee challenge. But you're going to do a burpee challenge. 30 minutes.

Don't stop. Don't stop burpee challenge. Full body. Put the abs and dips in between. Okay, cool. It will be. It will feel good after. Tired, but good.

And then you're really on top of, you love to cook, but you like healthy cooking. 00:32:54,480 --> 00:32:55,520 I do like healthy cooking. I mean, I don't want to be a, you know, a walrus. I see enough of them at Walmart and Sands Club. Yeah. So gross, so gross.

Do you think Bert is fat? Who? Bert. Bert. Chrysler. I don't know who that is. I'm just kidding. He's a friend of mine.

Oh, okay. There you go, Jeans. Oh my God. There was, what wasn't there in that interview? I feel like you guys covered it all. She, she hates fat people. She hates vaginal discharge. She hates old balls.

Yeah. And Publix, Walmart. I mean, that was, that was amazing. It was amazing. Yeah. She's evolving. And I, her, by the way, you're right. That level of fitness she had when she came to visit us was like,

remember that one time in Miami, when, before we took the family cruise, and she flew in on a red eye. Yeah. And wasn't that the night we were like, we're going to, we'll meet you for breakfast. I did. Well, I did because I was also international. I was coming, I came over from Asia, I think.

Right. So I was waking up every day at like four in the morning. So I was like, dude, I'm up early as shit. I'm going to have breakfast. And she was like, help me at that place. So she meets me there and she's in full workout gear. And I'm like, that's what time is it? It's like six in the morning.

Six, six in the morning. And I go, are we going to have breakfast? And she was like, I'm just going to have a glass of tea. And I go, dude, you said you'd meet me for breakfast. I know I am. I'll sit with you. What are you going to do? I'm going to run.

And then she ran like seven miles. And then she was like, I feel normal now. In Miami, it's not, it's never not hot and humid. Yeah. It's crazy. Summer time in Miami. Yeah. It's crazy.

So lunatic. Yeah, man. Wow. She really hates what comes out of her vagina. I wonder what's happening. Yeah, I liked it. I mean, she likened that to a lesbian problem, as opposed to all the older heterosexual couples.

And where there's also one vagina, and that there might be an issue for the man or, or like old stinky dicks and balls are not a problem. Yeah. There's nothing like Mario fired up, man. She's probably when she goes, I just want to go, I just want to get my rotisserie chicken and my paper and my toilet paper.

And I can't because it's fat people eating. Can I, it's like, it's kind of disgusting that you're here. She really has a tent. Why is Bert Kruis so fat? Habert Rauer. Bert Kruis, you are a fat cunt. You're a fat cunt than Tom Segura, mate. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Wow. That's international. That was amazing. That was British, Irish, Polish. Yeah. Let's see, there is Ireland, Poland, and Mom Australia, another mom Australia. Wow.

Pretty great, right? Why is Bert Kruis so fat? Habert Rauer. Kruis, you are a fat cunt. You're a fat cunt than Tom Segura, mate. Oh, my God. Oh, shit. That's really good.

Now, Jeans for the Motherload. This is, I had Top Dog and Charo in studio. Oh, my God. I can't wait to hear this. We've been talking about that. By the way, Charo sat in Blue Band's chair, and I had to constantly just like point to talk. You'll hear her like this, and she's like, yeah.

And then I'm like, Mom. And I actually got to the point where, you know, you have ways you navigate parents. I was like, I don't even want to correct her anymore. Yeah. I just let her talk off mic just to not, you know, bother. You know what I mean? Like just to not let her go.

Yeah, just to let it go. I have it in Hungarian. Do you want to hear why is Bert Kruis so fat? Oh, OK, sure. Christ looks so fat. Mert Bert Kruischer on your cover. That's really good. Mert, Mert, Mert Bert Kruischer on your cover.

On your, on your cover. And you know why Bart Kruisler is so fat? Anyways, it was such a pleasure to have them in here. There's a lot, man. We get into so many things. We got it. We get into non-binary. We get into the gender pronouns.

We get into King Ash Ripper. We get into, I think I convinced them how silly they're worry of transsexuals using the wrong restroom or like, you know, the restroom they desire. I think I talked them off the ledge on that one. Play songs that they're in that listeners have made. It's a lot of fun. I can't wait to hear this.

Without further ado, my mother, Charo, and my father, who many of you adore, Top Dog, here in studio right now. Hey, buddy, it's Top Dog. Hey, buddy, it's Top Dog. Hey, buddy, it's Top Dog. You need to lie down. It's Top Dog. Which picture?

In front of me. Oh, of us? Yes. Yeah. Are you talking? All right, good. Yeah. Everything's going wrong today.

So annoying. I'm ready. Ready for what? Whenever you start. We already started. Oh, we did? Oh. Oh, OK.

Well, say hello, no? What do you mean hello? Hey. Hey. Can I talk about your house? What do you want to talk about? First, I want to talk about the baby. For what?

Because I want to steal the baby, and it's important that you know it. Oh, you can steal them. That is to die for. Yeah. I am obsessed with that baby. It reminds me of me. That cute.

Well, what I want to talk about. Wait, I haven't finished. Go ahead. He's brilliant, brilliant, extremely observant, gorgeous, and just a complete joy now. What's a guy? From there, I come in the house. The house is beautiful, but I need to go to the bathroom.

Yeah. Tommy. It's going to cost a divorce to your father if he doesn't get me that toilet. You want it, right? No. Yeah, we've talked about it a bunch, that it's really a game changer.

It's really, it's just, you know what? Even if I'm cold, my whole body, I go to the bathroom, I sit there, and it's so warm that it, honestly, it warms up my whole body. Well, it has an environmental advantage, because you actually use less toilet paper. Yeah. And you know, so you're really actually.

But then you're using a lot of water. I guess it's kind of a trade-off. Well, I don't know, it takes more water to make that amount of toilet, but so I think it's a better deal. All right. I agree with that. Yeah.

Well, I know that I feel a lot cleaner. It does. Well, when I first did my, yesterday, when I did my first dump here, and then I went in for my normal re-wipe, a lot of times, when I do a dump and I have a re-wipe, and then I have to go back a little butthole-etched, no butthole-etched.

Yeah, when we got at the hotel, he barely made it to the room. Oh, that was, let me tell you. He went from there to the shower. I did, really? It was a classic, it really was a 3.5, it wasn't quite a 4. It was so bad that he told me he won't tell me about it to don't discuss me.

Tell me about it. It went, it went on for like, ever. It was one, wasn't a blaster, it was a 3.5 probably, 3.8 maybe, one to four. And it just kept going out, out, out. So it was kind of solid? No, it wasn't. Well, it was, it was, there was a softness to it.

Okay, so it was. So maybe closer to four point. Yeah, yeah, okay. I came from the bedroom. I wasn't sure if he was making love or he was doing Anyway, it was gigantic, okay. And then, but here's what happened. It kind of, the last bit kind of broke off.

So I didn't have enough in me to shoot out the last bit. So some of it kind of hung there. So I had to go through, had to go through half a roll of toilet paper to get the last bit out. And it was just dirty. So finally what I had to do is get up and get in the shower and finish off in the shower. Well, so you went shit to shower?

Immediately, yeah. Yes. Now, do you ever take a shit and then go to the shower without wiping even once? Oh no, I never do that, no. What I do is I make an evaluation. Businessmen, Christina does that. No, yeah.

I make an evaluation. If I'm, if I'm, you know, if I'm a half a roll toilet paper in, and it's still some there, I got to go to shower. Yeah, but the thing is that that bidet kind of saves you now. Well, that is a commitment your father has made to me. I want to make it up. I know this, this trip is going to cost me some money to, because I, when we get back, here's what we have to do.

We have to, she'll go online. I don't know if Amazon Prime sells these things or not, but she'll find out. The company is called Toto USA. Toto USA? Yeah, okay. I don't know, because we rent this house. Okay, you're going to have to go to Toto USA

and look into that and have, now you have to pick out your favorite, your favorite place to do it too. You just can't have it. I mean, we can't. The master bathroom. Okay, the master bathroom. And it's actually called a, they call it a washlet.

I think that's what they call it. You don't have to write it down for me, because I don't know. It's got the heated toilets. It's got a heated toilet seat too. It's great. To die for. Yeah.

Oh, I enjoyed that. When I tested it out yesterday, you know. Yeah, it's called a washlet. Tell me, honestly, there's no joke, but you walk out of that place like you took a shower. It's pretty amazing. People basically take showers for the main parts of your body to be clean.

Yeah. And that's the most important part of your body. And when you get out of there, I said, oh my gosh, I feel like I just took another shower. Yeah, it's incredible. It is. I can't believe that I'm going to be 69 years old next month. And I never used one of those things until yesterday.

Yeah, it's incredible. You think about what I've been missing out. You really have been missing out. I know, I feel like my life's changed ever since. Yeah, ever since. Can you imagine by the time Elise grows up, the scenes are going to come up. It's going to be ridiculous.

Well, your fact is your mother. Yeah. I mean, I haven't seen a smile on her face like that in a while. Let me tell you. Oh, come on. Just teasing, babe. Just teasing, okay. Now, have you had any double pipe classics at all recently?

Double pipe plastics? Double pipe classics. I have no idea what you're talking about. It's like when you fart and burp at the same time. Those are very rare. Not only lately, but never, thank God. I am normal. He's had them.

I've had them. Not often, but they're... It depends what you eat that you have the capacity of doing it from the top on the bottom. At the same time. At the same time. Yeah, it's not very common. It's both barrels.

Yeah. It's both barrels. That is actually disgusting, but thank God. I haven't witnessed that one. It has hurt enough. You never know. I had one about three weeks ago. But what did you eat to be able to...

I think it was having sushi and something carbonated, but the cool part is usually the gas picks one hole. And in this case, it went out of both at the same time. So I farted and burped together. Aye. Yeah, it's very rare. Even though people can do that. It's not very common.

Because both takes an effort. Well, I think of it more like magic because you can't... You can't fake it. Yeah. You can't fake it. The one from the bottom just comes out. It just came out, yeah.

As you are doing the effort to burp. I think actually the effort, I was going to fart and it went out of my mouth at the same time. Like I wasn't expecting the burp part. And on top of that, you were proud of that. I made t-shirts about it. He called me. Yeah.

He called me immediately. Yeah. And we, you know... You make efforts on doing the same. Well, you can't, you can't. No, no, you can, you have to go back and reminisce. It had been, I think I said it's been a few years since I had one of those.

Yeah, yeah. You know, it's like, it's like Haley's comment. It only comes... Exactly. Yeah. It only comes every so often, but... Well, people have been messaging me after I talked about it and saying,

you know, does it count when I sneeze in fart? And I go, absolutely not. Cause that's a natural pressure thing to sneeze and push out of fart. But to burp in fart is pretty special. Yeah. That is... Is there any other topic of conversation or not?

There's a bunch of topics. Okay, can I reach you? There's this guy. He goes by a King-ass ripper. He's called the fart god. I wanted to show you him. I think this is him here. So it's the same topic.

He's called the fart guy? Here, but watch him. He makes his videos. Hi! Oh, God! Yeah. We found him and we gave him a lot of publicity. Yeah.

Isn't it incredible? He's been doing these for years now. I don't know. Yeah. Ah, God. But look how good he is. It kind of looks like me a little, right? Yeah.

I don't even come ready. It's real. Real? I met a guy in college that could... Breathe air in? Breathe air in and blow it out. Yeah, I did. Just like that.

But this guy has... Everybody there. Not as good as this guy. No, this guy's good. He's really good. This guy's a 70-architecture. Yeah, it's neat. Yeah.

Yeah, I hate... Ah. He also has different videos. I don't want to see them. But listen to that bass. That's a long one. Whoa. Yeah.

I wonder if you write music to that. Do you like notes for that? People have taken his far to make them into songs. I can see that. So it's just like... He has hours of videos like this. Hours of videos. Hours, yeah.

Really? I don't know. It's a great question. You think so? You think they're fake? I think they're fake. Why? Because nobody can in a music world...

Oh, I've seen it. I've seen it. No, no. College, one guy. He's an artist and faking it. And make people believe that's not true. I can make people believe that's not true. And if I get the position, it sounds like a fart.

You guys speak more into the mic, though, okay? I can make it like that. Yeah. You can video take me like this. Oh, look, look, look, see? I saw some of the air on this. Yeah. There is no way there's a fart.

Yeah, look, look at that. Don't put my dick in a fart like this. Really? Well, he's really doing work. Look how dirty those panties are. His underwear is so dirty. He's pushing. No, look at his stomach.

It's all gas. Ah, I got it all. No. No, no, no, no. That's not true. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

He got a sunset. No, it's not true. That's a sunset. Hey, that is a real sunset. No, that is a real sunset. Yeah. Change it, change it. Okay, okay.

But just to show you how great this guy is. Absolutely. So he does. Oh, God. No, don't do this. You can see his face. He does like... He does glutton scenes, too.

You know, like where he'll eat. He'll just eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat and then burp. That's what he does for living? Yeah, I think so. I think he has people that pay him to do it. I mean, yeah. Got like that. We can make that business, Tom.

No, I can't. When you retire, why don't you get into that? I can't control it like that. Mine's always spontaneous for the moment. Yeah. It is. It is now. Now, if you try to do it, you can't do it.

It's got to be natural. It's a natural thing, yeah. Yeah, yeah. That is not natural. Yeah, I mean, this guy... He just has his videos all over the internet. But I have given up big things. Tom is disgusting, too.

He talks, too, dude. He's just been rippin' raunchy ass farts all night. Oh, I feel some more brewing. Ay, que atroz. This is disgusting, Tom. That's pretty cool. Can we change something? Yes, and we went back to park.

Okay. So, you know that your daughter, Maria, was in here. And she's very well-liked by the listeners. So, we had them email questions and Maria answered them. Oh, I got to hear that. I thought it'd be classic. Okay, you can hear it. Maria, you know, you're very popular on the show.

People really like getting to know you and want to get to know you a little better. I've had some questions submitted from fans, and some of them are inappropriate, but that's kind of the theme of the show. So, I'll just start with this, and you just let me know if, you know, what the answer is, okay? Okay. What's the most amount of guys you've had sex with in one day? In one day?

Yeah. Well, I'd say four. What? But neither of us climax. I don't know if that counts. All four times? Four different guys? Well, three different guys I climax with.

The fourth one, neither of us did. So, I don't know if that counts. Dude, that's a crazy number. Not anything about over the course of 24 hours. Four? And it was spring break. You've got to be kidding. My daughter?

Spring break. Yeah, spring break. What are you talking about 20 years ago? Four. I mean, all her stories are crazy, you know. Of course. But I didn't know that was... I mean, she's always pushed the envelope, but I didn't realize that this was FedEx, okay?

My... Four? She doesn't count the fourth one because it was almost a climax. They didn't climax, yeah. They didn't climax or anything. But this is back in her crazy days. And different guys. Four different guys.

I don't know. She did it on the roof of a hotel one time, she told me. You're kidding. I think she made it up. So, we were there then. Maybe. Because I remember we were in a hotel that she went to the roof. Yeah.

Because they had a pool there. Pool is closer. What's that? I'm trying to remember. We were there. Jane was there. Tomi was there. It was two of the keepers.

Maria says, I'm going upstairs to lay in the pool. Took her forever to come back. That could be it. That could be it. She says she had so much fun. You know, it's crazy. Spring break? And would these just random guys you would just run into?

Well, they were there all week at the same place. Holy shit. That means that if I understand the translation, if they're there then more than 24 hours, it deletes the word random, right? Yeah. Well, they were there the whole week when she was there. That's scary. Okay.

So, there was. One of them I don't know, but the other three I'd seen around. That's ridiculous. That's a lot. A blind. One of them. One of them I didn't know. Three of them I'd seen around.

Seen around. Seen them around. So, like, if she saw them. So, basically what you're saying is that. No one didn't even know. So, how did she end with him? She didn't even know. Didn't even know his name.

That's good. Yeah. That's prostitution. That's prostitution. I mean, if I walk around and I pick up. Well, she didn't get paid. So, technically speaking, it's not. Yeah.

So, what is it called? Being loose. Oh, it seems like a lot. Back then, it did not. Did you do that again somewhere else? No. The most I ever did after that was two. One night.

Wow. That's a lot. All right. Question number two. What's the most cocaine you've ever done in a day? Oh, my God. I think three grams. Maybe.

Yeah. Three grams. But give a. Because you know what three grams are? No. I need a joy. So, that's why a non-user, an idea of what that is. Like, what does three grams mean?

What does three grams mean? So, I guess when you would use cocaine, you'd generally do like a line. Yeah. Which would be. You understand that, right? A line is like. Yeah. So, that's one line, right?

Just like a fraction of a gram. So, I maybe did like 30, 40 lines. 30 or 40 lines of coke. And one day, we're in Mexico. In Mexico? In Mexico. Which is so dangerous. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. So, she was, she helped start the drug cartel. Basically. In business. Yeah. That's good to know. Yeah.

No, that's not even funny, Tom. Like, this is the most scariest thing I've ever heard. From a guy that was our waiter who happens to also be a drug dealer as well as the guide on our fishing trip. What was she in Mexico doing? I don't know. A few years ago. Name Chango.

Wow. Yeah. At least she remembers that guy's name. That's really dangerous. Yes. She didn't remember the guy she had sex with. She remembers the drug dealer's name. Do you realize what she just said, Tom?

Yes, I do. No, I don't think you did because you're making fun of this. Well, I mean. This is prostitution. Then it's a drug dealer. That's what it is. I mean, three grams of drugs. Your daughter cocaine.

But not anymore. No, I mean, this is, that was all. Don't anymore. That makes it okay. Well, it's over. What do you want to do? It's in the past. Yeah.

It's history. I realize that. At least the next question here. Have you ever been arrested and taken to jail? And if so, what for? Yes. You have gone to jail. I have gone to jail.

Mom and dad do not know that. Where? What city were you in? I was in, where was I? I was in Chicago. You got arrested and taken to jail. And Jeff and I were living together in decent behavior. We were high and drunk and naked, running around the streets in the snow.

Challenging each other. Our neighbors called the police. I had you. Because obviously you don't think you got charged, right? No. Jeff had a lawyer, thankfully. His grandparents bailed us out of that one. Really?

Yeah. How long were you in jail? Just a few hours. Just a few hours. Sounds plausible to me. They were naked in the streets. But this is a heavy drug usage, Jace. Even if you're in a heavy use, who gets drunk, naked and go outside to do stuff?

Well, people on drugs do crazy things. Yeah, it's not that unusual. I mean, they do. This is the most scary interview I've ever heard in my life. I can't believe we're talking about my daughter. She parties pretty hard, you know. I didn't know that. I knew she'd party.

I knew she'd have fun. I knew she'd... I mean, I remember one time... It really affected me. We were in church. I mean, out of all the places, Maria decided to tell me, right in mass, she turned around, she says, I just want you to know that I already had sex before she was in high school. But it's okay.

I don't have a baby. I'm praying in mass with my kid in high school. Then I go, what? And she said, I don't want to lie, so it's important for you to know. That's an interesting spot to come clean on. I think it's a smart spot to come clean on. Yeah, I didn't even talk. I just keep going.

Actually, that's... You're right. Yeah. And after mass, I said, Maria, you shocked me in the middle of the mass. She says, well, it bothers me that you didn't know. And I said, well, you're a kid. And you said there is no baby. She said, no, you don't have to worry for that part.

So I never wanted to ask why, because I don't know if she just... Yeah, yeah. Precautions or there's something else happening. And the guy is not a boyfriend. It was just... Some guy. I don't know if it's one of the five guys that she had in one day. I hear there's more.

This is really scary. Can I have some of you ready because I'm about to have a heart attack. I hope you got the feeling. That's pretty intense. Have you ever committed a robbery? Yeah. Lots of them. Really?

Oh, thanks. Not big ones. Small ones. What kind of... I think she confused robbery with shoplifting, though. Things have you robbed? Tic Tacs, a lot of alcohol, cigarettes. That's like shoplifting, even.

Yeah. Clothes. I mean... But have you ever broken into somewhere and stolen? Yeah. We were really... I don't even know what we stole. We were like stupid and drunk.

And we just went into someone's house and took stuff. In someone's house? Yes. That's crazy. What city was that? That was in Boston. Really? So college, Jace.

No, Tommy, this is really sad. Wow. This is absolutely depressing. To hear my daughter... No, it's a colorful past. A colorful past to be prostitute, drug dealer, going to jail. It means you've lived a full life. A full life?

Yeah. That's not a way to live the life. I prefer to think of her as a... What a great mother she is today. And I just... It's eccentric. She's eccentric. She's eccentric.

But I guess as a father, I realize that people do things in their past. Yeah. But I tell you what I'm saying. All I have to tell is with this past, which is okay. It's in the past and it's a wonderful human being. Yeah. At least I hope that she never, ever, ever judge anybody. Right.

Yeah, that's a good point. That's a good point. That's a good point. College. That's amazing. That's a good point. I didn't know that. Yeah.

I mean, I... So there's so many things that were blurs that you're just kind of like, yeah, I think I did that. I don't remember the specifics about it, but I remember... It's kind of a haze. Yeah. I remember we were really drunk and they were out. We knew that the people were the God.

And like with the brown stones on brick white. And so we just kind of went... We didn't take anything. We just kind of hung out in their house and drank their alcohol and ate their food. And I'm like, okay, time to go back. Wow. Have you ever been in a fight with weapons? I think that...

I remember the Boston University tuition was 19,000 a year in those days. I'm glad my money was going for... Good cause. Good cause for 19,000. That was tuition. That didn't include... Not a weapon. ...room and board.

Well, there's something about that here. No. I've really wanted to though. I've always wanted to be like a warrior princess and like fight someone and just win. Yeah. I haven't had that opportunity. Swords and stuff. Yeah.

I think that's kind of one of the reasons why I joined the Navy. I was thinking I was going to get to go and do some kind of like mission possible, you know, stuff. And I even took martial arts classes and it didn't happen. How about if you're done anything in the adult film industry like porn? I did a long, long time ago. Cause I needed extra money. I didn't feel like that was giving me a month in college.

And he was really excited that finally I stopped asking for money and my credit card expenses went down. What he doesn't know is that I did do one film for cash. Tell me this is a joke to me. No. No, this is not real. Yeah. That's...

That's Maria exaggerating. It's gotta be. I don't think so. No, I can't imagine her doing that. Really. I know. I did one in college and got like, like, like $2,500. I am.

You know what? I think I'm going to think. I just... I think sometimes Maria... Here's this... Yeah. Go ahead. Maria is very good at embellishing and playing to the role.

Yeah. I mean, I really... That one I don't believe... I just don't believe it. Well, here's another... Just one more. Here. So I had this idea that since mom and dad are coming,

I want to play this game where they're always like, oh my God, Maria shocks us. Maria surprises us so much. Yeah. So they're always like in disbelief of your realities. So I thought it would be fun. But I'm saying it right now and I'll play this later. Okay.

That I'm asking you to make things up. Okay. But the game will be that this is real. Yes. And it'll be something like this. Like I'll say... Boy, did we get played. I mean, we...

You talk about hook, line and sinker being played. No, no, no. I was holding my tears because I was in the worst... It really affects me. Really? It really affects me. Oh, I'm sorry. I feel your daughter went to jail.

The drugs, three grams. And his grandparents took him out of jail. He's with guys four times. Strangers that walk around. Dear God, it's told from everybody. You know, we should have... Knowing Maria had her sense for exaggeration. No, because...

I started to get suspicious. I told Tommy at one point. I said, Tommy, I don't believe this can be real that he cheated. I believe it. And Tommy is the worst liar. Boy, did you play us on this? No. Well, I thought we were going to have more fun with that.

No, you would get... We got taken on this deal. I didn't think you were going to get totally... I was devastated, Tommy. Yeah. And you didn't even try. Yeah, I called her. I told her I'd call her.

Hey. Hi. Hey, so I just... I have mom and dad here. I just did the game we did. And mom is in tears. She's not amused at all. No, I didn't.

I was devastated. She's so upset by it. I fucking basically... First, you were a porno star. You just go and have sex with strangers and pass around. Oh, shit. Four times a day. Then you are a drug dealer.

Tommy told me. Because you have like three grams of cocaine a day. And to give you an idea of one line is... I don't know whatever. So you have like around 43 a day. Then you went to jail. For being naked in the streets with your husband. And you're cooking up and don't giving a shit for anything.

Then you stole. You stole not only from the stores and stuff. But you went in people's houses and take their stains. Yeah. I mean, all I'm doing is crying. Yeah, mom's crying. And I said, Tommy, I can believe this is my daughter. He's in the past, mom.

Yeah, I told her it was in the past. But she was just super affected. At least I told him. I said, you know what? One thing that she needs to learn from this. Never, ever, ever judge anybody. Yeah, you can't judge anybody because you were a prostitute. Yeah, and I'm sitting there thinking I'm spending 18,000 a year in tuition.

How do you guys know it's a joke, right? Of course. Now I know it, but let me first torture us to the extreme. He played us big time on this one. Yeah. Big time. Dad, what did you think, dad? Dad was like...

And he seemed in kind of shock. The one that he was like, I just refused to believe it, was when you said you did one porno back in college. He was like, I can't... He says, I can't believe that. But he did believe that you broke into people's houses in Boston. And he did believe totally that you have sex with a stranger. Yeah, he did believe you had sex with four guys.

One was in the roof. And Maria, do you remember where we were? Yeah, mom's saying why I remember that. No, I remember one hotel that we were, that has a pool in the roof. Do you remember that, Maria? Yeah. And you went to the...

The hotel that had a pool in the roof. The pool in the roof, on the roof. We went to a hotel that you guys... There's been a lot of hotels in the roof. But I was with us. And you said I'm going to go in the pool. And you came back and you told me that's the best day I ever had. So I told Tommy, that was probably the day of wanting the strangers cooking up.

Because I took it like you have a great day with the pool and the sun. And it seemed to be that it was a man walking by and... I don't know, did they pay you for this or what? Oh my God, no. No. No, this was all made up. I can't believe how... I mean, he made me cry.

I was suffering and you won't believe it. I actually cut it short. I didn't play the whole thing because I saw how upset you were getting. No, no, no. I tried to put it behind and said... And your father did something wonderful. He said I'd rather think of Maria as a great mother. Yeah, he was like...

Oh, sweet. Well, I promise you guys it was all made up. We just did it to mess with you. Well, you succeeded in that regard. I had this torture and I lost 10 pounds in one minute. Yeah. You succeeded. You did a great job.

Yeah, good job, Maria. Thank you. This is 100%. This is what I say. This is all Tommy's doing. This is all my fault. Please don't think I did this. I totally...

I love you guys. All made up. Bye-bye. I love you guys. Oh, my God. Oh, my gosh. That's a lady farting. Oh, gosh.

But you know how you said... Do they ever... That's such a fart. Can you make a song out of it? Mm-hmm. So that lady farted, right? Yeah. Oh, my gosh.

And then a guy sent this in. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. That's got a good beat. Oh, yeah. Oh, my gosh. So then he turns the farts into the notes.

Oh, my gosh. Wait. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh.

Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh.

Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. What do you think? That's my kind of music. I love that music.

I cannot believe, honestly, cannot believe that people use parts to make music. It's amazing. I can be inspired by birds, by babies, by the babies. Birds. Birds. Yeah, the birds. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh.

You had two pieces of shit because birds sing. So with the music. Birds do sing. Birds do sing. They also get shit on you from 5,000 feet. Hey, what do you guys think of this, by the way? Oh, my gosh. This is something that I thought you might have something to say on.

Another bird. No. Hey, everybody. In fact, this week I'm going to be talking to you about pronouns. Sometimes preferred pronouns or preferred gender pronouns or PGPs. Whatever you call them, pronouns are the things we use to refer to people in the third person that aren't their names. They're also often used as the linguistic representation of people's gender identities.

So they're really important. Really, really, really important. Okay, you understand what this is or not? Yes. You know what gender pronoun is? No. I mean, she, her, like that. Okay.

So I got, you know. Got it. Yeah. So. All right. The first and most important rule regarding pronouns is to respect people's pronouns. Always. There should be rule number two.

Always ask, don't assume. It's far better to ask what someone's pronoun is. Just be like, hey, hi, how are you? What's your name? What's your pronoun? Hey, I just wanted to confirm. What's, what's your pronoun? It's so much better to do.

Most people are really like just pleased when someone asks about them because it can feel very welcoming and accepting when other people do that, especially when you're just newly coming out. Worst case, there are a lot of pronouns out there. Like a huge amount. So this is where the things have changed recently. I first of all, I hear you laughing. So the different, this is going to be now what people want to be referred to as. Okay.

And we're like, people are like slowly and slowly adding it. Oh, I go by them. So the two most common ones are he and she. He has, is traditionally considered a male pronoun and she is traditionally considered a female pronoun. However, it's important to note that some people use he or she, but do not identify as male or female. So if someone says, oh, my verb pronoun is he, you can't just assume that they're male or, you know, if they say, what are you laughing at? This is not a funny video.

How can you talk about it here? And it is not a male. I am assuming. Yeah. So it's a she, but I call him a he. So basically it's a he because he was born male. But now he has a. Well, this is more about, you're talking about sex organs.

This is gender identity. So like, but some people, the gender identity spectrum is very wide. But what I mean is that when I want to understand this, like if I talk about you and I say he, but actually I don't mean he, but it is because you don't describe yourself as a male. Right. Okay. Right. Right.

Right. You can't say that they're female. So if you were to say like I prefer, I prefer like masculine pronouns or male pronouns. It's sort of implying that everyone else who uses he uses, you know, is male or that like everyone else would identify as male uses he, which is not also not necessarily the case. So it's better to just say I prefer he be done with it or she be done with it. It gets better. Now, so then they're also gender neutral pronouns.

Gender neutral pronouns can be used for anybody of any gender and they have no gendered meanings attached to them at all, which is super cool. And there are so many of them. The most commonly used is they. They is traditionally plural, but we already use it in a singular form to like maintain people's anonymity or like if you just don't know what their gender is, you'll be like, Oh, I was talking to a student and they told me blah, blah, blah. Totally normal.

So you can use it for specific people as well. And a lot of people for, for, for they. How do you feel about in your office, somebody having a gender identity thing and saying, I like to be referred to as they them that work. I mean, if, you know, I normally call people by their name. Right. But if you're referring to somebody and they have a gender identity, like preference or pronoun preference, well, I would still refer to that other person by their name rather than

they them. So if I'm in an office and they're talking about Bob or Bobby, I would not say they're them. I would say Bob or Bobby. Next most common I've seen is Z. Z can be spelled a bunch of different ways and it can be declined a bunch of different ways. It's like the clenching like, so like he, him, his, and then Z.

Sometimes you'll see Z here, here. Z, Zim, Zir. Yeah. There are a lot. There are a lot of options with Z. So if someone says I prefer Z, ask them what's spelling and if they can use it. Can they use that in the office? Well, it's normally what I think Z.

I think it was it. Okay. But that's what you think of. But I'm, he's telling you how people use it. So what does Z mean for real? Z is a pronoun that is what? That is gender neutral. So you're not identifying with either gender.

Oh. You know, is your mind blown or no? Well, I mean, I think I hear women. Is that for real? Yeah. That's for real. I hear, I hear, I hear women often say you guys. Right.

Okay. Referring to. Referring to a group of other women. Right. Right. Okay. So I think that, you know, the, whose responsibility is it? Is it the responsibility of the minority or the majority?

And which that's an interesting, that's an interesting question. Okay. And the question is if, if you get closer to the mic, I think that, you know, for me, the challenge is, and I also have. You can raise the arm, the arm. No, not from there. Not from there. Okay.

I also, you know, believe that there should be some deference to seniority and tradition. Okay. So if you have somebody who's 70 years old, who was raised in an environment where this is the way, as long as he's not, as long as he's not overly disrespectful or trying to be disrespectful. Right. If he's traditional in his commentary, I don't think it's up to him to modify his behavior in order to make the new minority happy.

I, I, I totally see what you're saying there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I just don't. I mean, I will say I do prefer Zim Zir as a pronoun for myself. Tommy.

This is for real. I never heard the Z. Yeah. Yeah. I've never heard it. It is for real. I've never heard it. So Z means you don't have a gender.

Z is, is how you would say he, if somebody was like, or she, for somebody that goes, I'm not he or she. I'm Z. So you are Z. Right. So you'd say, I, Z said, Z wanted a Coke. I kept the rose. Or Zim over there.

Oh my God. This is not for real. Yeah. This is for real. I'm glad I won't last too long in the world because this is as crazy as it comes. Now if you're a Z, and Christina is still a Z, or is she? She's more on the, on the female gender spectrum. Yeah.

So, so far she's still a Z. Yeah. But sometimes she goes by they, them. So you're a Z and she's a day. Yeah. Let me, let me, cause both of you speak Spanish. No, but I want to know. This is, this is.

I mean, my question. Okay. The baby is a heel. The baby is also a Z. Right now we're trying not to place too many gender identity issues like on him. So we're still, it is a boy. I know. So, I know.

I'm trying to dial that back. So you have to say on Z. Yeah. All right. Since both of you speak Spanish, which is a masculine feminine language, unlike English, which has a lot of adjectives, you know, or verbs or whatever there are adjectives that are gender neutral, gender neutral. Yeah.

How does this translate into other languages which are very much like French or Spanish or Italian, which are very much masculine feminine? It's a good question. I mean, I don't have the answer. Yeah. I don't have the answer. I can talk in Spanish to you because I wouldn't know what to call you. Hola, Tomcito.

Z. Hoy día. ¿Cómo estás? Muy bien. Gracias. Oh, yeah. I would just, instead of saying ella, I would say Cristina, like he was saying. And, and, and si.

Oh, how about Zéa, está bien? Zéa, está bien. I'd use the zeta. Zéa, está bien. Zéa, está bien. Pero Zéa me suena mujer. Zéa, está bien. Zéa, está bien.

Zéa me suena hombre. Es que Zéa, you don't know, but Zéa, you are making it. It's very interesting. It's interesting stuff. And can you make it French or Russian? Oh my goodness. Yeah. So can I, can I bring up a question here that I have on my mind?

You can. Okay. You know, there's been a lot about this LBGT, whatever it's called. The issue is like going to the bathroom. Okay. Yeah. It's a popular topic on the show. Okay.

Going to the bathroom is? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Now, if you have a transgender person who says, I'm more, I want to use the ladies bathroom. Yeah. Even though he has the physical characteristics of a male. Right.

How are the, when he goes into a woman's, they use stalls on the women's. So it's a little bit different. But if, if the guy gets out of a stall, how are the women going to know he's transgender and not some guy who's in there looking for a peek? Well, I mean, transgender people don't look like a guy looking for a peek. No. But how do they know that? What do you mean?

How do they know that? He's trying to say, what if he's not really transgender? Yeah. Yeah. But how, but that seems to not be an issue. Like it's, it's the issue of people like saying it, but it's not an issue. No, but what I'm saying is the question is different. I understand his question now.

I don't. If somebody is not really transgender. Right. But use the excuse of a transgender. Right. There is a transgender. Right. But really it's a male.

Right. He can go into the ladies room. What I'm saying is I understand that. And what my, what I'm saying is as of now. Yeah. That's not an issue. Well, but it's. No, it's not.

It's not an issue because, because we have transgender people using restrooms all the time now. Yeah. And the occurrences that you're speaking of are obviously an anomaly because. Well, they have it. It's gone. It hasn't happened. We, you know, we, it hasn't happened yet, but it's.

But I mean, those are anomalies. Yeah. So you can't just say, well, the one guy who was posing as it was faking. So therefore all the other transgender people who are transgender. I mean, you're talking about like, so the one in a thousand thing needs to be. So I think is, are we going to go to rather than a, for the future, multi-sexual unisex restrooms? Yeah.

I think we are. That's where I think it's all going. We're going to have bigger bathrooms. Yeah. But the issue you're bringing up, I don't think it's an issue. You don't think it's an issue. I mean, it's not an issue. It's an issue of the imagination, but it's not an actual real world issue because we

do have transgender people using restrooms, using the opposite sex restrooms. I have never seen. People just want to relieve themselves. Yeah. I haven't seen that yet, but it's happening all the time. You don't even know actually Tom, how would you know it? Well we haven't had any people that look male in the, because we have locked, you don't know the difference.

Well, I forgot, you can be transgender and still dress, can't you, as a male and you're inside you're a female. No, that's not really. It doesn't work that way. No. Okay. All right. I think the issue is not an issue.

What I think the issue is, it can bring, because there is so much crime lately in every sense that it could be a rapist that says, okay, this is my chance. No, it could happen. I'm not saying it could, but I also think that like it's like the rapist is still going to rape whether or not we have this. He doesn't need to. Yeah. This issue is actually.

It's a completely different profile. A rapist is a rapist. No, no, or even a peeper. It's like they're going to do that regardless of the rule. Those people want to just go to the bathroom in comfort and just not feel, and I can appreciate that more than anyone. I know you can. Yeah.

I know you can. Um, wanted to show you this now that we got off that serious topic, um, uh, this apparently this guy made this and there's an argument that it's the longest fart ever. Um, yeah, but this one, there's an argument whether or not it's the longest fart ever. Tell me if you think it's real, because you can see him breathing. You can hear the room tone audio. He's got a microphone there at the bottom of the bed. What?

I know. No, I don't. My guys had a lot of parts. The tone is too consistent. The gas. It's not a great way. Why? I think that when you have a real fart like that, it's the tone is too consistent.

It almost like there's a mechanical device for there for a while because you have this consistent tone and as you have pressure released in your large bowel. Okay. It's not going to be completely consistent. So, but it doesn't sound completely consistent. It goes up and down. There's a long section in there that there that it sounds like it was just the frequency didn't really change that much.

I have heard long farts. Yeah. You have really long farts. Oh, she does. And your fire screen from the bedroom. I'm in the bathroom. Oh my God. I can't believe how long.

So I know what is a long fart. Unfortunately, it's uncomfortable. There's no way you can last that long and still keep going. Yeah, I don't agree. That's a made up. I can pretend to. What do you think of this song? This is the original mommy.

John will be a signal. I know. Who is it though? You know who this is? You. That's you. Yeah. They just tweak the audio.

Yeah, it's all you. This is Chado. This is Chado. This is Chado. That's you. This is Chado. This is Chado. This is Chado.

Do you want to hear it? Yeah. All right. I like it. How do you not hear? That's you. All right. It's a little bit scary.

That's you. That's you. All right. That's you, Charo. Someone else did it. Matthew Miller made this song. It's been around the show like a long time ago. It's good.

It's really good. There's a few for Dad. Does Charo know about the Orlando airport? Does she know that story? You know, I think I told her at the time. Are you talking the terror in Orlando? When I had that dump that kind of went through my pants. She knows.

Do you know about that one, though? It went through his pants. And he couldn't get it off. So he flew with Gaka on the pants. I had no choice. I told her, why don't you go to the bathroom before you do something? No. I braced into the man's room there,

but I just didn't make it in time. I had to ditch my underwear in the air. Well, I wiped it off as best I could. Plus four or five times. Went through a whole roll of toilet paper to try to clean things up. But in the end, I had spots, stains in my back and my ass. No underwear. And I had to fly to Arizona.

Orlando to Arizona. Orlando to Arizona. So you know there's a little caca on that seat. Think about how many seats have caca on them. But I wonder what he's eating to me. Because you cannot have cacas like this. No, I just, you know, you're the cook. So some of your food.

Don't blame it on me because if I'm the cook, more reason not to have them. I don't cook. That's true. Oh, that was... We went for breakfast this morning. We went to Pete's Cafe. He had a muffin with a coffee. We were walking back and then all of a sudden,

he started walking with the two legs next to each other. Little penguin steps. No, first we're going and he's walking really slow. My back hurts. My knee hurts. We sit down. We have the coffee. Come back.

And then all of a sudden, it's been a little, you know, like a little 87-year-old man that doesn't want to get killed. Yeah. And he's being catch up, catch up. I said, don't. I know. It's coming out. It's coming out.

I have to make it. I have to make it. He had this muffin. That's not all. Well, actually, it triggers. When you eat, it triggers your mouth. Tell them what almost happened this morning. Oh my God.

He almost got killed. This is not funny at all. Not kidding. We're coming back from the same place I'm telling you. We are crossing the street. The light is getting and it's telling us, you know, and as we are crossing, he's on the left. I'm on the right.

A guy decided to come. Making a left-hand turn. He had a left-hand turn. And of course, he was looking at his phone. Yeah. He didn't look at. He's close from hitting your father. And you had the right-of-way?

Oh, yeah. We had the white thing. Yeah. Oh, yeah. He's looking at his phone. Well, I jumped back. I jumped back. I almost spilled the coffee.

You know, and I would say he came within three feet of it. Listen to that. And what surprises me, I said, Tom, at least I would roll down my windows. I'm so sorry. The guy went like this. Like, you know, you're safe. Yeah. That would have been ugly.

He started feeling like he needed to go to the bathroom. Yeah. That was scary. Yeah. All right. Come on. Come on. The bad guy is away.

He's just an out-of-body experience, OK? Well, that's not what I'm trying to give him. He's just an out-of-body experience, OK? That's a good one. That's what we do. This is an out-of-body experience, OK? Look at that. Somebody made it into a song, you know?

How did you do that? That's what we do. Can we what? The only question I really have is, is the whole show related to farts? Mostly farts. Yeah, you know. I just see you. Yeah, it's mostly farts, kaka.

So there is no, we cannot be funny unless we fart. No, no, we do sexual stuff too. But I'm leaving that out because you're here. So my part of enjoying life is to make the most out of everything that you do. You see lions out in the Serengeti when they stake out their territory, you know? Sure. They're sent. That's what I do.

When I start blowing farts, you know, 30 minutes later, I'll be dropping one in. Did you just fart? Did you just fart your hand? This was a real squirter. Drop my load. Just chill and take a dump. He's the Oprah of shitting. Absolutely.

Kind of the Dr. Oz of the radio network. You know the wipes people use to clean like their countertops? Industrial strength. Always use the handicaps though. It's hard to hold your cheeks together when you're walking down stairs. The cheeks don't stay closed on the butt. That's good. See?

You know, little tidbits of advice that I've helped Tommy's listeners over the years. And he's got some good feedback on this. Definitely. Oh, yeah. Part of enjoying life. Sorry. To make the most out of it. But yeah, there's a lot of top dog songs.

And then, you know what one of my favorite things is? Is that the first time you guys ever, like, it was Weston was born and I went down there and you and a guy, you guys argued. It was the funniest thing. I've never laughed so hard. And I recorded it on my phone. Can I hear it? I never get bored with you.

No, you didn't say that. What did you tell me? You called me and said, you know, it's funny. It's horrible to say this. You don't have to pretend that people don't pretend. And I get so bored with everybody. The only person who doesn't get bored is Tommy. You're going to make a conversation.

Yeah. But you're automatically included in my list. You are. I told you that. Other times. No, you didn't. Over time. No, you didn't.

You didn't. You didn't. You didn't. You didn't. You didn't. You didn't. No, you didn't. Over time.

No, you didn't. Well, what? How did you come out? That's not funny. What have I ever been bored with you? Ever. Well, you don't have a choice. You live with me.

If you're bored, you're bored. Can't you imagine? But he's going to look at me and say, I'm bored with you. You need to wear necklace today. There's this one, too. One of the things we've talked about on our show is, I told our listeners how you gave me great advice on how to wipe. Remember when I called you and I was like, I just keep wiping, and you told me, maybe

you're wiping too hard, and you're going in. Right. You remember that? Yes, I do. Remember that. And what did you tell me? You need to wipe down. Wipe down?

Mm-hmm. And also not push in. Right. Not to push in, because it just drives you more in. Yeah. Yeah. What is your career? What is your profession?

Because I want to be sure to help you with your trade. I'm a snack broker. I'm proud to be disgusting. No. I just... I hope this gives you play. I am so disgusting. I just do.

Just tell me. Do you need a white glove for sure? No. Okay. So... Now, what happened now? If you wiped too hard, like, you should get ding-a-berries. Well, not just that, but you can be pushing into your butthole.

That's right. Right. And that's why it was always brown right at your time. Right. Exactly. And then there was the booger incident, which mom also was there for, which was great. Yesterday, what did you do in the elevator? Put a big booger on the number one.

That's why I could spray germs out of my nose to all the residents of the hotel. Why would you do that? Because it's fun. It's fun. You did it for me. What's that? I think it's disgusting. What do you think it's disgusting?

Are you taping the same? I'm recording it, yeah. So, do people know that your father is absolutely the most disgusting? No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. I don't think this is funny. I don't think it's funny. I don't think it's funny. It's... You know what he did, right? Did she know?

No. No. Don't tell her? Don't tell her. She just said it. You said it. I didn't tell her. I spray it to everybody.

But I cleaned it off. I didn't clean it off. That's not funny. Wait a minute. Have you ever... I don't think... No wonder. Why all the school is a classic.

Do you know what... Oh, man. I laughed so hard at that. You liked that one, buddy? Yeah. That was great. That was good, wasn't it? You are disgusting, dad.

Yeah. And you know what I noticed? You actually enjoyed being disgusting. He does. I do. He does. And that's what he... The story of...

Nobody... Everybody gets bored of him except you. Yeah. He keeps repeating until today. Yeah. And I keep reminding him that I exist. Yeah. And he said,

Yeah. But he does enjoy being disgusting. He does. So... When we were... We went to Maine together. Oh, that was so much fun. He shit his pants there.

And he told me the story. It's because he went in the handicapped stall. And it was too far away. It was good yesterday. I didn't make it. I mean, I was... You know, it was just ugly. I had to go.

And, you know, I misread the sign in the hotel. Yeah. And had to go down the stairs. And I was squeezing the cheeks, going down the stairs. Yeah. And then went into one of these places, you know, where, you know,

you're rushed in, but it's one of these handicapped stalls. It's an extra five feet before you get to them. Yeah. And... It was five feet too far. Five feet too far. It's true story.

You know, the part I can't believe for real is that he really works in a serious business. Yeah. He enjoys being in the public. Whatever this thing is called. Yeah. And talk about his farts. Shedding in his pants.

Putting mucos in elevators. It's like having a two-year-old. He says, Man, man, guess what I did? It's the most embarrassing thing possible for an adult. It's your husband. I'm not sure for how long. He'd better get me that toilet for $20,000 if he wants to.

Oh, my God. All right. Well, this is really fun. I think later I'll try to get you to read some copy for us, some advertisements, okay? Oh, sure. Okay. I like that.

Okay. That'll be fun. There's no farts in those in both. There's no farts in those. Okay. All right. I love you. The pond passed now.

Jeans up. Wind down. Now we've had some fun. We've had some laughs. And we hope you all come running back. Now we've had some fun. And had some laughs. But please come on back.

Thank you.