Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - Topping From The Bottom w/ Ian Fidance | Your Mom's House Ep. 847

Episode Date: February 18, 2026

SPONSORS: Make sure to subscribe to the YMH Behind the Jeans Newsletter. Drops every Sunday at 12pm! https://YMHStudios.com/BehindTheJeans Check out the new show from Ian Fidance "IAN DO: AN ODD GUY DOIN ODD JOBS" new episodes every other Tuesday! https://youtube.com/@IanFidanceComedy For simple, online access to personalized and affordable care for Hair Loss, Weight Loss, and more, visit https://Hims.com/YMH. Sign up for your one-dollar-per-month trial today at https://shopify.com/ymh Go to http://helixsleep.com/YMH for 27% Off Sitewide. This week on Your Mom’s House, Christina P is joined by comedian Ian Fidance for a no-holds-barred conversation that swings wildly between trauma, sexuality, spirituality, parenting, and some of the most cool guys we've seen on the algo. Ian also plugs his new show "Ian Do: An Odd Guy Doing Odd Jobs" that is out now on the YMH Studios Network! Ian opens up about growing up with grief, anger, and confusion, sharing brutally honest stories about mental health, addiction, sexuality, and learning how to feel emotions without self-destruction. Christina matches him beat for beat, reflecting on immigrant parenting, generational trauma, shame, and the terrifying responsibility of raising emotionally healthy kids.From bottoming diets, trans Instagram thirst traps, and Epstein file conspiracies, to TikTok egg pranks, needle play, and deep dives into cult leaders, this episode is a chaotic masterclass in what happens when two hyper-self-aware comics refuse to censor themselves. There’s laughter, discomfort, unexpected warmth, and moments of real clarity about identity, attraction, power, shame, and why modern internet culture feels completely broken. Plus: ska music, parenting philosophy, fashion crimes, hotel hookups, gay cruising etiquette, and why shame might actually serve a purpose. Try it out! Your Mom’s House Ep. 847 https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://christinap.com/https://store.ymhstudios.comhttps://www.reddit.com/r/yourmomshousepodcast Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:00:24 - It's Just A Phase 00:08:55 - Opening Clip: Bottoming University 00:16:15 - Epstein Files, Spiritual Awakenings, & Cults 00:26:31 - Clip: Trans New Yorker 00:32:07 - Pulling Humans 00:37:26 - Clip: Old Muscle Guy 00:39:45 - Dating Dudes 00:44:36 - Clip: Adorable Face Enthusiast 00:46:46 - Clip: Old Lady Egg Prank 00:48:05 - Ian Takes Over The Show 00:50:38 - Clip: More Egg Prank 00:54:17 - Christina's Curations 01:04:35 - The Real Hunger Games 01:06:28 - Back To The TikToks 01:12:08 - Final Thoughts 01:16:14 - Closing Song -"I Bless Them All" by DJ Brad Pitt Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. So, and then I was like... You can just roll. Let's just start. Yeah, just keep talking. So sorry. So say what you're saying. And then I'll do the intro by alcohol. No, I was just saying I was going to kill myself in 1997. And then you interrupt it. It's fine. How are you, man? It's so good to see you. 97 you're going to kill yourself?

No, no. No. I, no. Have you ever tried? Yeah, yeah. Yes. How old are you? Why am I age exclusive? I'll tell you the story. I was 14 and You know my mother I was my parents are immigrant from Hungary long story short They divorced my mother's schizophrenic my dad's an alcoholic sex addict and I was ping pong between the two of them So at the time I'm 14 I'm out of my mind Of course

So I did what most girls do is the cutting stuff and then one day I just I had like a total psychotic break Like a break and I had a nervous breakdown and I was like just blood, blood, blood. Yeah. And then my mom sent me to Catholic school and then I was right as rain. And then Jesus saved you. He fucking did, dude.

He fucking did. Did you become like super into God? No. I think I'm into that stuff now more like spirituality. Not Christianity, but I believe in a God, yes. Yeah. I was always led back. Wait, what about you?

So tell me about your suicide attempt. Well, you know, my dad died in 93. I was eight and then I was like forced to go to therapy and all this stuff. And so then like, yeah, because it was like, what do you do with this kid that's like going insane? You know, no one knows what to do with me. And I was bouncing around a lot between different like family members' houses and everything. And I, it was like, it was such a I want attention attempt.

Of course. You know, I think I was like 13. And I tied a bathrobe belt around my neck and the door handle. And I just ran. And you don't have to. Wow. I had scissors in my hand. so I could cut it out.

So it's like, clearly something. I didn't fully want to do it, you know? And then like one time going to therapy, I was with my mom and my grandfather, and we had just left, and I jumped out in front of a car. Wow. It was like, and then I don't think God saved me.

I'm trying to think of what saved. I don't know. I just, like, thought, I guess, like, I don't want this guy up there looking down on me and seeing me, like, you know, being so miserable. Your father, you mean. Yeah.

And then actually around the same time, like a lot of fights. So I think that changed. I was like, I could take my anger out on other people. So I was like fighting kids all the time when I was in like grade school. Man, I don't see I see you as a lover, not a fighter. I am now. Yeah. I am now very much. But I was, I mean, even when I was when I was drinking, like I said, it unlocked this emotion valve in me that I didn't have before. So I could like feel, because I would bottle everything up and then like once a year I'd have like a blow up. And then it finally like was a release valve where I could be sad or I could be angry and then I would just get drunk and like knock drinks out of people's hands and be like to fight me just so I could like

feel and like get anger out you know but I'm I'm very much like a lover and I recognize I was dealing with like a lot of stuff that thankfully I've like dealt with and you know um conversion therapy helped a lot of homosexuality I um the blood of grass is saved that's what I hear is that you can just talk the gay out of people. It's like, well, duh, it works. Have you seen those Instagram videos of those guys that are like, I'm a gay Christian, but I do not act out? And then like three months later, they're like,

I'm actually going to act out, but I'll only do it with one partner at a time. It's like, it's only a matter of time. I know. You go back to your sultry ways. Like, I don't think, I don't think God cares what orifice you're putting your penis into or rubbing your vagina. God doesn't care, but your mom. side of the family does.

And they will really let you know at an early age those things you're feeling and coincidentally they bring up that are wrong. They'll let you know Uncle Danny. I know, isn't that weird? Like that's the cause of so much neuroses is

just like we don't approve of who you are as this young person and you're like, wait, I'm fucked up. Or even like an offhanded comment that'll just like ring around in your brain forever. That's why I'm like so worried about I don't know if I want to have kids. I really don't think so.

But I'm just so worried about this little sponge picking up on some behavior thing. I'm thinking like, I could get away with talking like this or a couple. And then they just pick it all up. They do. What have I done? They pick up. There's a part that's uniquely them. Thank God that you just, you have nothing to do with.

Yeah. And then there is. But it can be fun. Like I've actually had fun with it. Like now those Waymo cars, I just. started teaching them to double bird the Waymo cars. And that's like a fun thing they're going to remember with their mom. Yeah.

You know, I like that. Stargazing, things like that. Like, let's go look for UFOs. Like, I don't know. Here's a deal. Is that you think you're terrible, but you're not. Does that make sense? What do you mean?

Like, you're so worried about Pat, like I was, I should say you. I should just say me. I was so worried that like I would pass on my crazy or my fucked upness to my kids. And it's like, well, because you and I both are like these suicide. teenagers. So I think that the messaging was I was bad because my parents just didn't know how to handle what the fuck was happening really. Yeah. So I took it like, oh, I must be flawed. Well, I, you're like, you're not that bad. My messaging from like my mom and, you know, like I said, my dad died when I was eight, but he left me before he went to work every day for like a year or two before he died,

he'd write these notes, like these letters on legal pad to me. And then the PS would always be like, thanks for the coffee dear make sure you get the electric bill you know like my and my mom loves like joking around about like he was always the PS and I'm like I don't know what to tell you but uh you know he wrote me these letters and I never knew it and then I saw it years a couple years ago rereading them and the messaging and the letters the entire every single fucking letter was like just be yourself and everything will be okay we love you no matter what as long as you as long as you're Ian everything will be fine it's it's all in your asses attitude, action speak louder than words.

Like these like this messaging that I needed so badly growing up that I never really got from him. I got in death by reading these letters. It helped me so much later in life. But the fucked up like your wrong messaging came from like other family members because I got put like moved around a lot. So I would get the like I remember my uncle at his house in New Hampshire was like the neighbors are gay.

If you go on their lawn, you'll. catch it. And in my mind I'm like, did I sleepwalk? Like, how did I? Oh my God. I've been doing car wheels on now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've been doing pirouettes. I just like doing splits in the pro. I'm like, don't look at me Uncle Bill. But you realize it's Uncle Bill's

problem with gays. There's nothing to do with you. Yeah. And that's the thing. It's like, it's so weird. It's such a weird thing how you realize later in life like, oh, I'm not fucked up. They are. They didn't know how to deal with who you are. That's all that is. I feel like this is the first generation of people. people that are within like 10, maybe 15 years of our age,

we're the first generation to be like, oh, emotions, not hitting. I know. Therapy. For thought for later in life. And then everyone else before was just like this monosyllabic, like crazy. Well, and you have to think, like, I think in my parents' terms, there's like World War I, World War II, and my parents are European, right? They're Hungarian.

So you have just generations of people getting fucked in society. like World War I, World War II, the communist, the fucking Nazis, the communists. It's just like, they didn't have a chance to sit down and think. It was just survival, survival. So we're the first, at least I'm the first generation to be here now and being like, all right, cool. I got this food thing down. I got clothes down.

Do you ever give yourself credit for that? No, why would I do that? That would involve self-love. Fuck off. We don't do that here. Yes, we do. Yes, we do. We're not doing that, but.

Yes. Okay, look, we have to get into the show. Thank you for being here, Ian. Thank you for having me. This is great. So you just started a new podcast on our network. It's not a podcast. It's like an old school TV show.

Yeah, it's a travel show called Ian Doe. An odd guy doing odd jobs. You just walked in on one. I just did, yeah. Christia, God bless you. She walks in on me wrapping up a day where I'm shaving dogs and cats. And I'm like, we're still got the shares. You slowly walked out like a cat.

I was like, get out of here. Well, I can't wait to talk about it. Tom Segura is out. He is filming bad thoughts too in Los Angeles right now. So Ian has graciously decided to come and help me host a show. So without further ado, let's go and do our opening clip. We haven't even done it yet. Let's go.

This one is just for you. I'm so excited. Dude, bro, I've got so many treasures for you, homie. Here we go, bro. Do you know, I swallowed six loads on the weekend and it had three grams of protein. I had, welcome to bottoming university. We're talking about foods to avoid on the day of bottoming. fried greasy food, your fast food, you want to avoid that.

You're going to make digestion on predictable. Dairy, unless you know your body can handle it, it's one of the biggest culprits for gas, spicy food. Holy cow is right. Don't bring anyone mother to this. Your mom in the fucking stand. Welcome. So many thoughts. And for Dan.

And Christina Pashit. I'm... Well, Don, you got him wait. Sorry. He'd suck. Oh, fuck yeah, dude, feel that shit. Oh, shit. That was so good.

Thank you. Dude, do you play the guitar? I did when I was younger. I was in a ska band. Skah. I love ska music. Me too. And I feel like it's not cool.

No, it's always cool. If you don't like it, you're not cool. I like what you like. Yeah. No shame. Yeah. Dude, littlest make a wish dream for me. Yeah.

My friend's band Haywire, they're from Boston. They're really great. They played this festival called For the Children. They opened up with a cover of Mighty Mighty Ball Stone's impression that I get. Dickie Barrett came out and sang it with them. And I was the ska dancing guy on stage. It was the best. It was cool.

I should have bigger dreams. No. Mommies Behind the Jeans is taking a new form as a free weekly newsletter. For those of you who are missing the live stream with Josh Potter, this is a spiritual continuation. of that content. It's our way to stay connected with you and share some of the things going on in the studio jeans world. This newsletter is going to include behind the scenes content dumps and hopefully real dumps, unfiltered thoughts from comedians, fan submissions, unseen drops that didn't make it to YMH videos from the vault, staff debate,

debates, fucking stupid, and just overall dumb shit. It's completely free and we'll drop every Sunday at 12 p.m. Eastern Time. If you want to sign up, check out the link in the description. Trot out. I'm just an odd guy doing odd jobs. I'll race you. I'm Ian Fidance. Hey, how are you? And each week, I'm in different towns across the country

doing stand-up comedy. And to keep me from rotting in my bed or putting a gun to my head, I get you to teach me how to do your job. Ian do, an odd guy doing odd jobs. YouTube.com slash Ian Fidance Comedy every other Tuesday produced by YMH. Rip a fart too, bro. Let it loose, toot, toot. I'll see you out there. How long you've been working here?

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And love is love and you should be able to be with who you want. But seeing this makes me be like, I think the Republicans were right. This is a diseased mind. Something is going on here. Why is this? Remember we're like, this is the first generation where parents are understanding. It's like they were too understanding. This is not okay.

You need to see God. Yes, I agree Also there's no shame now There's like zero sense of shame Which I think we had a healthy dose of So totally For them to be like Okay here's what you need to do

If I'm bad fuck If I grew up during the internet The way it is now Like I used to write poems Like I would have been cyber bullied to death Are you kidding me Like that god we had a 56K And it would always go out

Because I would have put Crazy shit online But this is like This is This is crazy. Wait, so is he right, though? Do you ever bought him? No.

You've never bottomed? No, I have twice. It's not for me. Okay, so, but, okay, because I have, then I have questions, like, you should clean your system out before you bought them, yeah? Well, I think anyone should clean their system out. I always do, yeah. But, I mean, do you give yourself, did you give yourself enumas? Well, that's the thing.

It's so much work for, like, minimal reward to make this motherfucker feel good. I don't think so, Delante. Yeah. It's too much. It's so much work. But unless you enjoy bottoming the sensation of it. Well, I bought him for a guy years ago, and I was like, never again. And I bought him for a gal.

And I was like, you know, she deserves it. And I topped from the bottom. You know what I mean? Topped the bottom. Oh. I think I had to get it. I fucked her with my ass. Oh.

Okay. Yeah. She got a groin injury. I see. You were on top. No. Oh? I was on the bottom.

Okay. And she was fucking me. Okay. And I rocked her shit. Okay, cool. I think I understand. Make eye contact with me when I tell you that. I can't.

I can't. I like, because your world is like, oh man, like you're, don't, don't take this the wrong way. Yeah. I'm really into the Epstein files right now. Can you do me a favor and back it up? Your name is not in there. Can you back it up?

Can you back it up on how you found a vent diagram of that in me? Please, explain. And don't look to the stars. Okay, okay. I'm talking to the aliens, man. Okay, look. How do I put this? I think I'm not, okay, there's a fucking segment of,

my biggest thrill today, just so, you know, my wildest thing is that I'm going to have two cups of coffee today. Woo! And like, I might have a glass of wine. Oh, no, that shit's not who I am now. This is like years ago. I'm like reformed. But I'm not, I'm like a.

No, I know you're not now, but I mean like. Now I'm getting too defensive. No, yeah, like I'm not shaming. Just popped a cock out of my ass on the way here. I'm just saying that I did not admire, but I'm like, I'm so curious about people that just, sorry, let it rip this way that you do. Like, how do you do that? How are you like, I've just bought him this chick. She fucked me and I dick fucked.

And then I. Lady, if I could figure it out, I would have, if I could just pick up. a side or a team, I would. If God could come down and just give me a head injury to where I'm like, I'm fully straight now, I'd be greater. Like, you're fully gay. But like, I don't know. It's kind of like the weather. But you do, because I think I'm so...

What if you have that inside of you? You just haven't unlocked it yet? I tried in college. Like, I did. I did drugs in college. I did. I was in San Francisco in the 90s. Like, it was the best, dude. You've done drugs. I've done... I tried to be a whole... I really did. I just think it's not in my...

Well, don't get a twisted. When I did that shit, I wasn't skipping around town on a high note being like, I feel good, I feel great, I just called my mom. It was like, I just need a way to feel not do drugs again. Oh, yeah, you're acting out.

So you're coming from a place. I mean, I definitely am like attracted to that, to men and women and trans. But I like feminine. I like feminine men. I like feminine trans women. I've dated men, women, and trans. But like when I do stuff like that,

it was, I think that was like a form of acting out. But when I date, like, when I like love a trans, I'm not like acting out. I'm just like this person. It just so happens there, this thing. But emphasis on thing. But they're just this freak. But like, I get it.

I kind of get it. I kind of get it. Because it's all just skin and folds and nerve endings. Were you malicted? No. Well, then there you go. That's your answer. That's your answer.

No, you're going to get jocked around a little as a kid. And then you're like, oh, the governor's off on the crazy train. Oh, I had to have been maligned. You think so. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I mean, everything else fucking pretty much happened. Yeah. But yeah, gosh.

Gosh, okay. Okay. Yeah, go ahead. Can we go back to how you somehow correlated this to the Epstein? files. That's a fun road to go down. Hey, so you've been with men, women, and trans, you know that serial pet O'Ebstein?

Kind of reminds me of and then God bless me, go, you're not on the list. Yeah, I know not on the list. But like, that that like wild party world is what I'm saying. No, no, no, no, no, no. You cannot say that it's a wild party world.

Fun party island. Oh, that delicious buffet of the boclin of flesh and fun. That lifestyle we wish we all lived. Yeah. Oh, now I know what you're talking about. Can you imagine, like, Deepak Chopra allegedly is on the list. And could you imagine that fucking snooze fest being your molest.

Do you know what I mean? Having to listen to his bullshit before he fucking does whatever he does to you. I'm going to be honest. I want to be a board of this rift train. But I need to buy a ticket first. And by the ticket, you have to tell me who Deepak Chopra is. Oh, bring him out. So this is my favorite in terms of creeps that have been on this list.

He's a lot lighter of a skin color than I saw. Deepak? Yeah. I thought he was like the conductor of the Darcy Limeonit. I didn't know. He's like a light skin doctor. So Deepak Chopra is like a self like a guru, one of these spiritual people. Great messaging about awakening and meditation.

And Oprah really blew him up in like the 90s and such. And didn't she blow up a couple of people? people that turned out to be like funky. Yeah, on the, on the alleged Epstein Island files and she's on the alleged Epstein. They're all on it. Everybody gets a kid. You get a kid. And you get a kid. There's one under your chair. And by the way, there's one thing, too.

Like, there's an email exchange between Atia and Epstein's 1700, right, emails. And he's like, I did a no-work allegedly. I can't, I don't know those guy what he was in. Dude, were these guys so busy getting by kids that they couldn't run a spell check on these emails? I don't understand it. It's like, do they not?

They know how to ship a kid to an island, but they don't know about the Oxford comma. It gets crazy to me. I know. So Deepak, again, like, wrote some good books. I just hate it when spiritual people, like the gurus end up fucking their following. Isn't that how I always say so?

fucking men always do this. Wasn't that about like the, not the Rajneesh. What was that, Wawa Country, that documentary about the, um, I know you're talking about the cult in Oregon.

They all are doing this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This, these guys always bang their, oh no way, that guy?

Yeah, the free love cult. Wait, go down, what's it say? There's, there's like options for Netflix on the screen.

I don't understand what's going. I watch that guy's videos. Yeah, the Rajneesh. Yeah, that's it. Fuck. Yeah.

I mean, I guess when you're in charge of a cult, you're so high on like everyone looking up to you that it's hard. I guess I can imagine it's like, well, where, let me go further. Let me go further. I guess. And but, but you and I have a certain level of, uh, celebrity and, and resources and like, we don't abuse that. I don't, no. I don't nothing. I do nothing.

Well, I think, I think money and power corrupts to, to like a level that like, like, we couldn't even imagine. And I, and I'm so glad I can't imagine, because I could never see myself going past that line, which I think there's a lot more good out there than bad. For sure. And right now there's just such a microscope on bad. And it's just so sad that there's so much evil

and horrible, horrendous things going on in the world, but there's so much more good than bad. And like, I know no matter how much money, you know, I mean to brag, but no matter, I don't know how much money I get. I don't think I could take advantage of people. You know? No, because it's not in your DNA.

And I also think you have to be a piece of shit before you had the money and the power. And I think you have to be some sort of sociopath to want to achieve that level that, like, you were kind of fucked to begin with. You know what I mean? Like these people are on a level of psychopathy that I could, or psychopathy or whatever, that I couldn't even imagine.

But like, can you even imagine, first of all, Ian? Like, you're an enlightened master. You're like, I've finally achieved your bond. Oh, oh, this is magic. Okay, sorry. I had the spiritual awakening. Like, isn't part of being spiritual and being awakened to not be inclined to create celebrity around the fact that you're spiritually awakened?

Yeah, because they're all fucking fraud. A true spiritual awakening is recognizing that you have the ability to help other people. Yeah. That you have an ability to realize that you're nothing. And so to make yourself out to be something is the antithesis of having a spiritual awakening and being a leader. So like you're a fucking fraud. You're a suspect.

Fucking fraud. If you have a spiritual awakening, shouldn't it be to like help others, not take advantage of them? I can't do anything else. Does anyone else feel like online shopping has become a guessing game when it's time to check out?

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off site wide. That's helix.com slash yMH for 27% off site wide. Make sure you enter our show name after checkout so they know we sent you helix.com slash ymach. Well here, hold on, on long these lines. Do you know this person? Hi, you guys. I'm currently close to Central Park, I think. I'm going to the little museum, but I got some chicken. I was going to go to Shake Shack, but damn, just everything filled the fuck up in the city? But it's like hibernation and everybody's trying to get the last piece of fucking chicken. It's crazy. But I will say the amount of dick in this city,

and it's the perfect time because my dick just started working again, too. Congrats. And ever since I came back from L.A., I didn't take my medications for, like, two fucking weeks. Oh, dude. Now I'm shooting loked on the fucking walls, the mirrors, my face everywhere, bitch. Wait, okay. I can only get to my chin.

God bless her for getting to the face. She's a real one. So she's just, she's just, she's. she has a D she's trans she's a dick sorry so it's a guy what are you apologizing for who but but what does she take to blow loads

wait estrogen why imagine the hormone replacement therapy and the estrogen it basically kills your sex drive and kind of really makes it so that you can't get aroused anymore so if you don't take it you just get like a bird like have you ever been on antidepressants yeah of course did it affects your sex charge

Oh, thankfully. I was on Zoloft. Sometimes I couldn't get hard. Sometimes I could come. And I got off of it. And now I'm like, I'm coming too fast. Let me just get a little crumazole off before I guess I were just fuzzy. Yeah.

But yeah, I can imagine like her not taking her meds to make her fucking rock hard. Yeah. Wow. Oh, right. So she goes back to being a dude. Well, she's always like, has like the biology of a guy. Because she was born male at birth. Correct.

now she's transitioned to be a woman. Correct. So she's got tits and she's taking estrogen to keep the feminizing. I want to know what, okay. It's like, what do you want to know? I want to know what she's fucking on. Like, how is this chemically? I mean, even though I've used trans women's penises as a microphone,

I don't want to use that as a soapbox to get up here and preach. But like, again, like, what is she, what's the cocktail? Like, what do you take to keep your, to get erections and have estrogen? in your body. I just don't know. I think this is like I don't know if this is like across the board representative of like all people or trans people but I think some of these videos are like very baity because she's like very attractive and it's like

oh and then like there's like a whole subculture of like Instagram thoughts that start videos out to like bait you in and then like there's like hot Instagram trans girls and every video is to do with them like being trans or having a dick because it gets like a bunch of guys like looking at stuff but I think like I don't know about I mean I imagine it's the same as being on antidepressants if you stop taking it it's gonna change your your your brain chemistry and everything so things are gonna like change so is she your type would would you date

this lady sure she's she's pretty she's feminine yeah she likes jacket and shake shack I'm down to that even the pigeons want to grab but all I'm gonna say is I was talking to this fine shit surgeon earlier today and this fine model shit just so many fine shits everything everything the only issue was i was lazy to get my ass to fuck up and fill it with water and douche oh yeah it's too much work oh you really picked these videos out for me yeah oh i just wish to be in a bit of video no no this is hand selected buddy you're the only one come on would it be so funny if in that video you just see me peek Cal, like, hey, how do you know? On the forest gump of

trans Instagram videos. Life is like a box of chocolates you want to doche before you eat it. Definitely do. So do you, when you top, do you make them douche? No. You're okay with a poopie on your...

No, I think it's like common courtesy. I mean, even women take care of their hind quarters. Yeah. You know. I don't do butt stuff, though. very afraid of it no no i'm so i'm why would god put a water park next to a rollercourser if you didn't want you to ride both rides hmm that's what she told chicks to get them to do this shit

you're that guy huh there for a reason yeah well no i'm not i'm not like an anal right away guy no no i like butt stuff like but i'm not gonna like it's like a you you wait a while you wait a while Because that's like a year into the relationship. Yeah? No, a month. Sorry. I don't know. What's your world?

It has a year in a new relationship. I'm getting in a new relationship. It's like a week too, babe. As you get older and tired with life. You get tired of getting that whole fucking, you know, watered. And I've been celebrated for like a month and a half. Oh, that's a long time. So it's not that I'm doing it too much.

It's just I'm fucking healed. I can't go back to the streets, but I want to be so bad. I might tonight. Not after that meal. I know. I went. Slet me out. Damn.

Didn't she watch the video of that other guy? I know. About what to do? You know what we should do? Have you ever seen those pranks when one person calls an Asian, a Chinese restaurant, the other person calls it, and they order at each other? We need to do that with those two videos. He's like, no greasy food.

No greasy foods, but I want the greasy food. No, I mean, like I know I look like I, you know, work part-time as a bridge choice. but I get like top of the line women and everything that like you know it's like I they're clean you know who are you pulling better looking men or better looking women any human that I pull your jaw be on the floor by how much I'm batting out of my league it's crazy what's your secret for people listening tell me the secret I'm just myself you think that's what it is you're just openly who you are I mean, for better or worse, thorns and roses, I am who I am and I don't change or back away from anything, you know, whether it's, you're going to agree with it or not. I try to live as righteously and true and authentic to myself as I can. And I think that attracts people. I mean, but I also had to really, really develop a personality. Yeah.

Because God did not bless me in the looks department. Oh, that's not true. I don't think so. I think you're very nice. I mean, I think I'm like very non-traditionally handsome, but like coming up as like a kid when like you start to meet girls and stuff. Like I was, you know, like criminally ugly. So I had to be like funny. Can we see some pictures of being as a young person?

Yeah. For any teenage pictures of you? I don't buy that. She's just her as a boy. I don't, I don't, I think you're very handsome. Oh, thank you. I appreciate it. I think you're uglier than you're.

Oh, my picture of me in sixth grade. Oh, my God. You're so cute. That kid has to make you laugh. I love him. That kid loved Nirvana so much. I parted my hair in the middle because that's what Kirk Cobain did. I used to cut holes in my jeans and wear long underwear.

Yeah. Oh, I love him. Yeah, he was a good guy. Yeah. He's a cute pie. That was, oh, that's me and my dad. And then that down there in the middle is when I ran cross-country senior high school. Oh, my gosh.

Look at your hair. I know. Wow. He's have long flowing locks. Yeah, maybe you just lived in the wrong part of town because I feel like all the boys I grew up with in the valley. You're a typical valley Jewish kid. Right? Josh Zolo?

100%. Yeah. He just grew up in the wrong town. Was that a voice drop or did Zola actually talk? That sounded like you hit a button. It was like 100%. 100%. He grew up in the valley.

Let's see the valley kid. 100% culture. So he knows exactly. I think I just looked different than everyone else around me. And I think that gave me a perception of like not being as attractive. to whatever else I guess, but that's very kind. But I do like, how long is Tom out of town? So long.

It's so sad. It's a valentimes day this weekend. By my lipstick, if you haven't for your sweet, don't you hate Valentine's Day? I have a Valentine. I could bring her the lipstick. Really? Yeah. You're with a lady right now.

Yeah. Wow. So what is that like? Do you get grossed out by us and like our, our smells and our periods? What do you mean? and like it does it you have to like shift gears a little bit when you're with a lady i love smells i'm a huge fair amount guy if i am with you and i like you i want to live in your armpit go to the gym don't shower sit on my face but if a guy if i get a whiff of one odor from a man

i'm like get the fuck out yeah i don't mind hair with women but if a guy has hair i'm like darnel you need to leave there you need to go i like my men like careless dolphins. Really? Yeah. Do you, okay, what about? That's the thing. I'm like, I'm so, I like feminine.

I like feminine men, feminine women, feminine trans. I, I, I, that's the thing. Everyone's like, oh, you're by. You must like, like, like, man ass. I'm like, no, that's like disgusting. I do not like any of that. Like that guy that was on the screen, he's like not, that's like gross to me. That's gross to you.

What about, Kay, Zolo, where are the videos that I've been recently getting into? also I just want to say just because you know if anyone out there is with someone who's like bye or like queer whatever just because you are that doesn't mean if you're in a relationship with an opposite sex person

you're gonna be like well I'm gonna cheat on you with a guy like that's not how it is like if you're with someone you're with someone and it's although I have been sucking a cock and I'm like God I really fucking miss pussy you know who knows but in the confines of a relationship I'm very like monogamously

interested in only that person. But who's easier to deal with men or women sexually? People have asked that and it's so funny because everyone's like, dude, it must be so much easier dating guys. It's like I date feminine. So I'm with feminine guys who are like, you know, you've only been talking to me like at night. And I'm like, I thought we were going to bro down, brother.

Come on. Let's play madden and blow each other. What the hell is this? That's what I imagine the allure is. to being with the bro, yeah, is you can just be like... I guess that's what it's like with a bro, but again, like I... You don't like that. The guy dated was like a handbag designer and used to take us out to like Louis Vuitton

and all this stuff. He had like a three-story firehouse converted into a home. Like it was so like, again, like out of my league. Yeah, wow. He was great. It didn't work out. What about this guy? So you're the old muscle guy on Instagram. He's not quite the flex I was looking for.

A flex So, you know, I'll take it. Have a great day. Now what are you asking me? Like, here's the thing. That guy? No. Aesthetically, first of all, this is why the socks and the sneakers with the long white chums.

I would barely let him grade my history homework. Let him get near my con. But he looks good. He looks like an attractive older man. Somebody needed to school him on what to wear for the video. Like, really, it's just a fashion thing. But isn't that the point of him showing off his body? What?

To get someone to help him? Wait, what's happening? Okay. I'm saying, like, the bod is solid. He's right. He's an old bodybuilder, blah, blah, blah. It's just the outfit's so, it's terrible. But isn't that what he wants to reveal?

Like, this is as close to naked as possible, right? I know, but straight girls don't, but women don't like this. Honey, I don't think he's looking for women Okay? Oh, you think he's on your On your team? He's looking for bros? Well, I'm not, what do you mean, my team?

You know what I mean? If I can, whatever. On well? No. On well? Mental pain, fun. She'll be studied in a line. God, I know, right?

No, I think this is made for guys, right? Wow, you just blew my mind, dude. Is it Josh Solo? 100% Yeah, this is not for women How like still Hungarian are you? Like how old country out of touching you? I thought this is what men look like

I don't know. If you want to get women put fish on your shoulder. 100% you don't understand. Does he have onion in boots? Maybe attract woman. Yes, this is my uncle Timor. He's always flexing. Oh, did you hear that?

This is... That was great. Did you hear that? What? No, just me? Oh, I thought you meant your accent. No, no, no, I shorted out something here. Maybe you shorted out from seeing such a hot guy.

Maybe that was your brain. Now, could you pull him? Do you think you would? I one time tried to get to hook up with a guy like that. But he looked like that, but he had like a long beard. And he was like Italian. And I was in Arizona and I wasn't feeling too good. So I was like, let me see if someone can suck the bed.

down to me. So he came to my hotel and I could not get hard to save my life. And he was Italian like fresh off the boat. And it was, I mean, it was like putting a marshmallow on a light sock and it just like wasn't working. And he was like on his knees. And I go, hey, man, I don't think this is going to work. And he goes, I understand. I'm sorry. And he just got up and left. Sweet. It was nice. That's so nice. Well, that that's the thing on like a hookup app. It's very much like when I was in Ohio and I went to hook up with this guy and we both got there and it's like middle of the day you're not I don't drink it's like another sober guy so you're like I guess we'll just and we both took off our pants and we're like well um

do you get fucked and he was like no do you get fucked I was like no and he was like all right man well I guess I'll see you later I was like yeah fair enough we just tapped up this up to the left see later you guys won't even give each other BJs or handies not even interested you just wanted I mean, I would have gotten a BJ, but I wasn't going to, like, force it. But I thought he thought I was going to, it was such a, such a who's on first of gay male anal sex. It was too much. Have you ever done the hanky system?

Is that true? So in San Francisco in the 90s? Oh, back in the day in cruising, different color hankies now. I wonder, that's true, though. That was a thing. Yeah, yeah. Well, cruising is a real thing. Can you tell me the politics of cruising.

Like what? You just walk around. You get like a vibe from a guy and you make eye contact and then he goes somewhere and, hook up and you just go like hey dude over here yeah you look like you're having a seizure you go bro bro bro how many how many straight guys have you been with oh i don't know i don't think any that dude that's a thing of like that's so scary what wait why because every woman listening is like oh my god is ian has he has he had sex with my husband like how many straight guys out there are well dude there's like a thing in gay culture where some guys want to pool like a straight guy

That's a thing that always kind of fucks me out where I'm like, I'm very like specific attracted to a certain type because I've never been attracted to a guy friend. I've never been at a sleepover with my best friend Bill and be like, brother, can we just do this? It's always just like, I'm never walking down the street and I like check a guy. I'm telling you, it's always like, I don't know, like very not what people think it is.

Like I've never been like. You're very comfortable in your own dick. I want to get that guy. Yeah. And your own dick skin. I mean, it took me a while. Apparently, you've worked on it though.

But you've really... I have. I've done a lot of work on, like, my self and how I navigate things and be comfortable because I wasn't for like a very long time. Well, of course. It's got to be a lot. Yeah.

It's a lot, man. I mean, I know I'm not the only one. And it's like I, it's so funny because I feel like at times I talked about this stuff way too early in my career. Because I've worked really hard to get away from being like the crazy like sex story guy or whatever. So that's not really who I am,

but that was very much who I was for a while. Of course. And it's funny because people ask and I'll answer, but I know that there are like a lot of people out there that feel the way I do and don't feel okay for it. So I understand that, you know, I can be someone that makes people feel okay with being who they are. And I love that, but it's, you know, like I'm not,

like some some guys will like DM me and be like I you made me feel so all right with with who I am and who I've been can I blow you and I'm like get away from me doesn't because I'm by doesn't mean I have no standards right that's true it's just yeah you're not just like for everybody but I understand it's like fascinating because there aren't many out there if they are it's like a lot in secret but I've never I don't think I've ever been with like a straight guy or like I'm my type is like black ballerinas. And I don't think many of them are straight. Yeah, because I think you're right. At least in my boring straight world,

now that I live like a pedestrian suburban suburban mom life, like maybe in San Francisco and I knew guys doing stuff. You just have to be in the world of it, I think, to see it more. Like when I was in my 20s and hanging out with gay guys and bisexuals and whatever in San Francisco,

that's it or in New York or whatever. You don't find any of that, Much of that in Austin? No, it's like one street, right? Like, I don't think it's a fucking whatever did. Okay, look, what about this guy? We need to talk about this. Let's go.

Beware, ladies, if you have adorable face, I may have to go like this to you. I'll show you how. Watch this, watch this. Ariane Grande is going to get first because she's one of the most adorable ones of all. I'm going to be a... Is that a refrigerator?

Did he clearly has a woman's head inside of him? Oh, I take you, you want some cute base, BB, BB, BB. Oh, you're adorable Bebebe-D-D-D-Y-D. Is that Richard Sennon? So if you have adorable face, you're getting BB. I can't judge him because I

do the same thing with pictures of cats. Well, that's different. That's different. You get a little BB and a boop-boop. Cats are the best. I love them so much. I've recently transitioned to being a cat lady, and I love it.

I'm so happy about that. How many do you have? Two now. What are their names? Oh, biscuit and munchkin. Oh, I don't like that. They should have human names, but that's okay. Well, my kids named them.

Oh, that's okay. I would name them people's names because I do think that's way funnier. What do you name? Glenn and Samson. Those are my, look, Samson here. I'm Glenn here. My little guys. That's very nice of you to let your kids name.

I think I'd be too like, no, we're naming them Herman. I know, no, I don't do that shit to my kids. And I also don't like choose their fucking Halloween costumes, which I think is gross. Now, what about, because we share a lot of interests of music. Yeah. What about music? Are you going to impart what you like under them? Absolutely.

Well, here's the thing. I merely suggest, for instance, in the car when I'm driving, you put on what you like. You're listening to the Pixies. Guess what? Now they love the song, Gigantic. And they go, a big, big penis, because everything's penis talk and dicks and balls and shit now. They like that.

They like the clash. Yes, I get them into. Awesome. Attraction rather than promotion. Yeah. I think that's very important. Hey, you don't like it. That's okay.

But you're not going to listen to bullshit. I don't want to hear fucking K-pop demon hunters. I'm not going to let you guys do that. I'm just going to let you know that that's bullshit. Think time for Skibbitty toilet. This is time for, you know. Skimity, I do like Skimittany. Richard Hell on the Voivit.

Yeah. I do like that too. Yeah. Okay, ready? You kids, this song's you. It's where you're going to be, a blank generation. Oh, I know. Look at this.

You've done this to somebody before? Oh. What would you do? No, suck it up. Don't leave it out. It makes it grosser. Oh, poor woman. I know.

Why would you do that? What a dick, dude. Oh, she could fall on her. Stop, stop. Christina, stop. Put another man talking about his bottom diet. This is disgusting. It's my grandmother.

Oh, my God. Yo, can you fucking, this is your mother-in-law? Feeding my mother-in-law a egg while she slings fucking dumbing. They hate their mother-in-law. No. Because you'd be doing this to Charo and murder her. She would die. That's great.

Dude, I feel so bad for old people who have like a young relative that's trying to be like a TikTok person. I hate it. And it's like, oh, every day grandma lives with PTSD hell of like, oh, she got milk bombed from the refrigerator. And she's like, I just want to live in peace before I die. You know what always made me so mad. And I love Johnny Knoxville. I love jackass. I love those movies.

I hated it when Bam would mess with his parents. Sorry, pass pause. I'm going to go take a pish too. Yeah. You have to go pee? The time is meow. I'll take over the show. Christina, you know, being a first generation immigrant, do you ever find out maybe that's

a reason why you have such rigid views on homosexuality? I know you're kind of putting a magnifying glass on me and my proclivities. Let me ask about you. What was that time you got jammed out? Have you ever fucked a gay guy? Tijuana? Why don't you put on another video there? alienates Ian.

I just pick a video of like some house mom on the view and I'm like, what do you think of this? Relate? Dude, this is so funny. The notes for the show, gay clips for Ian. Ian's most degenerate stories. What the fuck is this?

Your mom's house, but certainly not my mother's. Lisa, I'd be treated with some respect, Zolo. this is how you treat the hot new star of the YMH network can you please keep this in the episode please this is I'm so happy because finally I don't have to talk to a woman

um oh my god that's so funny Ian's most degenerate stories wow is that all I am to use Olo you also like cats Oh, just a cat gay guy.

Is that what it is? I've been interviewing you without you being here. I said, Christina, do you think being a first generation immigrant plays a role in your rigidity towards your views of homosexuality? Most definitely. Now, looking at me under a microscope is one of your petri dish freaks. Do you think that your view of my lifestyle is coming off as being a bit condemning me? Do you think so?

Am I? I don't mean so. I'm just curious. No. My life is so mundane. It really is. No, no. I get like rolls and like what the show is.

You know, like Tom's kind of like the head of the ship and you're the, and I just think, you know, it's like a fun dynamic, you know. No, but I'm genuinely curious because I do live a very boring. Yeah. Sheltered life. I hope I don't take it as judgment. I really don't judge. I really don't. I'm laughing.

No, no, no. I understand. No, no. And I know it's fun and interesting. It is fun and interesting. It is fun and nice. interesting. What about this? The aftermath of the egg mouth, ready? No, no, no, I can't watch this poor woman anymore.

Watch it. Oh, no, is she going to puke, you fuckers? No, the noise is Christina. I hate the noises, too. I don't like puking. Oh. Oh, no, not the hulla. This is the noise I made after the first time I sucked a dick. Yeah, I know. Me too. What is wrong? Why did you put that in my mouth when I was sleeping, Tony, on my first grade baseball team? Like, also, too, it's just so much reaction. Like, don't you think you'd be like, what the fuck, dude? Like, that would be mine.

You got to think that went like down her gullet, right? She's like sleeping and she's like back like this. Like, that's horrific. We should do the TikTok egg challenge. See how long we can have a raw egg in our mouth. It's so gross. So she's mad now. No, there, no.

She's like another language person. She's like a Romanian granny. Please, please. We have to get ready for gypsy wedding. Yeah, I was going to say it. My daughter, my granddaughter ate. Today is her wedding. Oh, she doesn't have teeth.

No wonder more egg got down her throat. There was no barrier. Stop making the noise, man. Dude. Is this your first time seeing this? Yes. First of all, they're not afraid of the Romanian grandma. They fucking should be. I would never do that. Would you do that to anybody in your family? No, they're all cursed now. They beat me. Yeah. Oh, my God. Gypsy makes eye contact with you. You're going to find out how you die. Are you kidding me? No, I would never do that to another person. That's like terrible.

Can I show you some choice TikToks? Yes. As you guys, as you know, I... Dude, hold on. What? I can still hear the woman's noise. Hold on. Wait, which sound? No. No, stop, stop, stop, stop, you're evil. You are the C word. Oh, you dick. Oh, good. But also, lady, sit up. Sit up. Sit up and spit it the fuck out. Why does she chew it? I don't know, man. Why are you showing me again?

What is wrong with you? Dude, dude, the noises. The noise. It's like when she starts to, it makes me a little. Oh, I hate it, too. Now I tasted it. Did you taste the egg this time? You're doing this to be a perp. I tasted it. I tasted it. I don't want to do the egg challenge anymore. This is,

is this, this is not like a real, no, no, this is just single, this is like pure evil. Yeah. This is like a challenge

for the next saw movie. I'd murder somebody. Like, I don't, there's no LOL in this. You know what I mean? Like, I'd fucking murder somebody.

If you got woke up with an egg. I would rat, I think I'd rather the egg than like getting water splashed on me. Like someone dumping a bucket of water As you're sleeping? Yeah, there's a jarring way to wake up. Yeah, I wouldn't like that.

It's how my mom used to wake me up, she'd take a spray bottle and just spray me in the face. Like a cat? Yeah. That's terrible. It's so mean. Ah, just kidding. Well, no, I like wouldn't wake up in the morning. Yeah, but still.

I wouldn't do it to my kids. I guess. I mean, nothing else worked. I know. She's an all right lady. Back off. Is she the best? Gail?

Is she cool? rules, dude. She might ride or die. Here's my marginalized communities. Marginalized community. What is this? Is this called needleplay? Are you into this? Oh, dude. One time I was with a girl and she was like, hey, we were making out, she was like, hey, are you into, are you into blood? And I was like, oh, do you want to cut me? And she's like, no, I'm on my period. I was like, oh, that's an interesting way to ask. Are you into blood?

Yeah. Menstrual blood? It's different kinds of blood. Yeah. What does she mean you're into it? Like, did she want you to go down on her or anything? I think she meant like, are you okay with having sex on my period? Which is like a fine way to ask.

But when she goes, are you into blood? Into blood? Play. That's what she said. Are you into playing with blood? That's what she said. Like play. And I was like, what?

Do you want to cut me? It's like, no, it's like, you know, God's punishment every month. That's all that's happening. It is. It's the worst. It's horrible. I can't wait to be like menopausal and be done. Wait, so this is just needles.

This is, this is, this is, why does she have a, how did, how did they make the casket be 3D? It's so rad. I'm guessing it lifts the skin, yeah? No, no, no, no, no. To create the design. Okay, keep playing. I kind of like it. Hey, Zolo, zoom in on her boobies.

I need to play with those needles. No what I mean? Come on, dog. Damn, dude. Look at that. Oh, oh, that's so gnarly. I don't like that. needles out? I guess. What is this? Will you look this up? Like what the fuck am I looking at?

Needle play. No, that they Okay, right? Her, her, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the stuff is sticking up. That's not from the need. That has to be like a, um, it's a needle. Like a acupuncture needle. Yeah. What's it called when you get a state, when they do the heat on you prodding? What's it called? Like they do to, brain. Capping. Oh, no. Okay, look, here's what it is. Needle play. Temporarily inserting sterile needles into the skin for sensory stimulation, aesthetic, or ritualistic purposes, rather than for permanent body modification. For endorphin release, pain, pleasure, exploration, or intimate bonding. All right. I mean, look, it's cool that it's in a pattern. I didn't realize they can make art. It's like a mandala. It's going to go away, right? I don't know, man. Can you look in the comments and see if that's how they made it stick up like that? That's crazy Damn, people really want to go to hell

I'm stupid God cares Amazing OMG We take a minute to appreciate How fucking cool this is What's your definition of cool I don't know dude An hour and a half it took

No way No way more than that How does it get to have the 3D thing Quit complimenting And answer your questions It's got to lift it What is the purpose of this exactly what you see for experience? You know what?

Now who's a square? I don't just go do this, Ian. All right? You're cooler than me. You are cooler than me. What if this is... Oh. Wait, where's the feathering?

Oh. Oh. Dude, what the fuck am I looking at? How is it not bleeding? How is it not bleeding everywhere, though? I don't understand it. I don't understand. I don't understand.

man that's so crazy wait you're watching at home hug your kids show up when you say you will yeah no shit yo so they're like threading the needle

and then do you just leave it in there how do you put on a coat I'm assuming they take it out before you leave that's how they made the 3D oh it looks like a centipede shit now

Let me tell you This ain't a way to year For anal type girl This girl won't What does a pain on a first date Oh no That is wild I didn't even know they could do this

Yeah but dude Here's the thing You take it out And then it's Do you just do it to do it for an hour And then you don't? Yeah I think so

I think that's what they're saying Do you think it's like therapeutic? I think it's for when you're like when I was cutting myself as a teenager. Now we're full circle. This is what you do when you're in so much pain and you need to feel something.

When you cut yourself, did you go across the street or down the road? I think a little bit of everything. Down the roads if you rarely do it across the streets. I'm not telling you that. It's terrible.

It's actually making the skin rise. The raised design isn't permanent structure. It's a temporary reaction of the skin. Oh, dude. The body doesn't see this. as art, it sees it as a minor injury and immediately starts fixing it. Yeah. Wow.

It's almost like we shouldn't do this. Yeah. Crazy. Yeah, yeah. At least it's sterile. Do you have any tattoos? I do. I have a tramp stamp and then I recently got a middle-aged mom tattoo.

No way. What's a middle-aged mom tattoo? I'll show you later. It's super. It's so gay. I'm so embarrassed. Why? I'll show you later.

I want people seeing it. Oh, I didn't know if it's like a private thing. Dude, you should get more tattoos. No, I'm into it now. I think I'm going to be a tattoo girl. Dude. I'm into it. It's the best.

It is the best. Now I'm really down. I'm in, yeah, like I like all this. Because those are like old school tattoos, right? Yeah, this is all like American traditional flash.

I really love the art and like culture of it. It's really neat. Okay. Here's my next one. You ready? Can I? Can I? I'm going to.

Ah. Is that for boys or girls? Who should be helping to attract? Lizards. I don't know. That is. Can I like? Yeah, you can.

Why did she need permission? She could have just done that TikTok and we didn't need to. It'd be funny if the next video, she goes, Can I? No? Fair enough. That's the end of the video. Just checking for consent.

Oh, my God. That is dick. All right. So, I am your neighbor. I just want to give you a heads up. I do not want to be known for this, or I do not want this to come back to me at all. but there's a car that comes here.

It's a red Toyota Corolla that comes here every single day after you leave for work. It stays here for like two or three hours and then it leaves. I do not know what's going on. But I just wanted you to

know. There's a dude that keeps getting out of it, going in the house for a little bit, and coming out. You should maybe talk to your wife about it. Just giving you a heads up. I do not want this to come back to me. That's fake. That can't be real.

You think? What do you? I mean, I'm so naive. I'll believe it. What do you think, Josh? Go to the guy. Go to the guy and say face to face. Don't leave it on the ring cam. The wife could see it.

Oh, that's a good. Fucking video. Okay. What do you think, any? No, I was going to say what he said that. How does he know the girl isn't going to see it? Yeah. He knows for sure it's going to get to the guy.

Yeah, it's a setup. Or he's just trying to cause chaos. Yeah, what a jerk face. But I do think. okay well then that's a good thing if you know that someone's being cheated on do you tell the person do you keep it a secret well it all depends on who the person is what's your relation to them not a neighbor i wouldn't fucking care i'd be like whatever dude that's your life right i i like man but then again it's like they're mind your fucking business i know i know i know look

Like, carmatically, everyone gets theirs in the end. If it is a, like, best friend inner circle, thick as thieves, ride or die, yes. But don't involve yourself in people's drama because, God forbid something physical happens. Like, what if this guy sees this and then goes out and kills a motherfucker? And it's just like, it's her cousin or something. I know. You don't know. Getting involved in people's relationships is no point.

Just fucking let them handle it. That's a good point. And the truth always comes out anyway in these situations. Yeah. You're going to find out anyway. And what if God, what if the guy there in some like open thing? Like you don't fucking know. You don't know me.

Mind your fucking business. Mind your fucking business. I'd find that guy and I'd spit in his face. You know what? Watch your fucking mouth, bitch. Fuck that guy. Yeah. We should go find him and do a video on his fucking porch.

And put some fucking needles in them. And then get the long tongue guy to come out and freak him the hell out. May I? May I? Let's go put an egg in his mouth. Oh, God, that's what you should, yeah. Did you ever egg house?

Of course. I was so angry, too. I was an angry teenager. Could you imagine that stuff happening now? We get thrown in jail with ring cameras and everything. Oh, yeah, you can't do anything now. Kids are fucking screwed. But you need to do that stuff.

You need to get it out. You need to like smash a mailbox and like get in trouble and have it not ruin your life forever, you know? Yes. I know little things that you don't get arrested later. Okay, here we go. This guy's my new find. What? I feel happy.

I feel healthy. I'm a human being. He doesn't look healthy. That's me into my mirror every day, so I don't cut down the road. I'm healthy. I'm happy. That is not a human being. That is one of your little aliens.

I know. And he does the same video every day in different settings. It's really, um, Have you seen the video of the little autistic kid that Goes to different places of business and counts down to them turning the lights off? No And the lights never go off on time and he goes so I'm just waiting for the whites to turn off That's his whole internet presence. It's really cute

Have you seen the Indian boys that play games and if they win they get to eat? Shut up Mr. Greedy He always gets to eat If you look up hashtag Mr. Greedy, it will unlock a world in which you cannot return from. Is that the one where the kid? It's a deepak trope? He like keeps getting the pear or something. Yeah, yeah.

Mr. Greedy. Wait, what is this? This is real? Mr. Grady plus Little Biggie versus Biggie versus Musna. It's always to Mr. Grady and Little Biggie. Oh. No. That's what they do.

cheering won't help you eat what the fuck am I watching God India sucks so bad Left fun Can I tell you I And then they shame the fat one I don't want to go there Isn't this nice

Play another Fuck this Fuck this so hard I hate it No no this is too long Go to a shorter one Sorry sorry Sorry it's not an old woman

eating an egg. Yeah, this is like genuinely depressing, Ian. This is like poor children. Like, I can't, I can't. Now they're having fun. I don't know what he says. Okay. Can we go back to some quality first world TikToks? Sorry, sorry, sorry. God. Sorry, I was trying to DEI. You gotta make fun of white people. Are you ready? He's gonna eat an entire apple in one bite like a horse. Oh my God. Oh! Don't laugh. You're gonna choke, dummy. Please go back to Mr. Greedy No, no I don't like Mr. Greedy

Eat the apple Dude, what is this? He's eating an entire apple But what about the core? Oh shit, I didn't even think about that. No, I hate his breathing. I know, I know. Stop breathing.

And the haircut and the chin and the face. Stop breathing! Does he have a mic in his nose? Yeah, why is he just like? sounding like that. All right. I got it. He did it.

Are you ready? Look how cock-eyed his face is. Yeah, he's all kinds of fat up. He's eating an apple like a horse and it looks like he got kicked in the head by the same horse. That's incredible. Now what's worse? That or Mr. Greedy? Oh, Mr. Greedy.

It's entertaining. What about one pound fish? Do you ever watch that? It's not really a cheese at all. It's just occurred to me. Yeah. I love it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It just occurred to me. Thanks for being here. I've been a really cool guest. I like that. What's so bad about that? That makes you L-O-L? Yeah. Because it's so bad, it's good.

It's so bad. Wow. I thought I knew you. You know, could I be frank? Could I be frank? I'd much rather be Ian. Silly fun. You know what?

I got to cleanse the palate. Let's just try one more with you. I just feel like you and I are not. not seeing eye to eye on these talks. I am so scared of what this is. Dude, Christina, Christina, Christina, you don't know me like that. This isn't good.

Horror fucking core. Oh, dude, oh, man. This is him. Bro. Bro. I don't go back to Ernest Hemingway telling dad jokes.

Please. He's cutting his teeth with fucking nail clippers. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Why? Because it's Punk rock. No, it's not. No, no, no.

Just watch it again. Just watch it one more time. What's the matter with you? Oh! God damn, dude! Oh, I felt my butthole. My butthole's clenching. Mine, too. Why did you make them do that?

The sound is incredible. Solo, you jerk. I'm leaving the network. Zolo. Stop playing it. Zolo. Oh, go, go! Is that a fake tooth?

Oh, stop torturing Ian like that, you jerk. Oh, it's still there. Stop it. Isn't this like, um... God, that's so gross, man! I like it. Are those toenail clippers? Are you saying you wouldn't date him?

I think he's interesting. I think he's got a lot to say. He's got a lot of ideas. I want to hear what he's got. I want to hear him talk. You just like him because he looks like he'd lick the floor at CBGB. I don't. I like dirty.

Dirt bags. Yeah, I do. I like dirty crazy men. Yeah, yeah. Dirty crazy. Like a 40-year-old bicycle messenger. I love that shit. I love that shit.

That's why I married Tim Seguera because Tom is the boy that I needed to be with. Do you know what I'm saying? You're like, oh, I'm attracted to the psycho guy that clips his nails. Oh, the difference maker. Yes. The straight setter, the one that makes you get away from the repetitive pattern of the horrors you've been engaged in.

Nice. Exactly. I was like, I think time scroo's a good bet. Thank God. Thank you for fucking setting me up with that. Yeah, really. Because that would have been the dude

and I'm like, he's so interesting. Why is he doing that? Like, I'm so into him. Could you imagine? That could be my baby daddy right there, bro. Mm-hmm. I know. Easily, I could have fallen for this horseshit.

So again, ma'am, back to that whole thing about, do you ever sit back and congratulate yourself? You know? I will now. Yeah, I've been into guys. I was into a guy one time because he would eat his own scabs. No-uh.

Where'd you grow up? The Valley, the San Fernando Valley. Really? I'm trash. I'm Valley trash. Or hard fucking core Valley trash. So it's mostly Cholos, Jewish kids. What's a Cholo call a table with only three legs?

What? Not even. Thanks for being here, Ian. I want to stay. We love you. I want to stay. I love you. I love you.

I love you. Thank you for being here. Thank you for having me. I have to go to a parent teacher conference, believe it or not, pretend that I'm a normal human being. Your new show, Ian Doe is coming out. We are producing your, you're going to do all the fun jobs under the sun. It's the best. I'm having a blast.

It's called Ian Do an Odd Guy Doing Odd Jobs. The network shout out guys. They've been so wonderful and cool and everybody's behind it. I'm so stoked, man. I did security at the comedy mothership. Oh, my God. And I showed up in head-toe, tactical gear and like a whip and an American flag. Because everyone thinks it's like this guarded fortress, but they're just like regular guys.

And I was like, boy, did I get this wrong. And yeah, I was a pit boss of Terry Blacks down in Austin. It was so fun. I'm having a blast, man. I got my tattooing license in Wisconsin. I tattooed a guy. Oh, wow. You know that S symbol we used to make for like Stozy or whatever?

S? Yeah, the SS symbol. I did that. I held down a guy and actually, do you know what a swastika is? It's actually an old like Indian design. Indian symbol for peace. No, that thing.

Oh yeah, yeah, that's nice. The skateboarding thing. Yeah, so I tattooed that on a guy and I got tackled by canines in Chicago. I'm having a blast, man. It's so fun. This sounds insane. Yeah. So every, every, I'm on the road like 50 weekends of the year.

So when I go to different towns, I had people teach me their jobs. so I don't rot in bed or put a gun to my head. So I meet people. I meet hardworking Americans in America, and I get to learn a bunch of different things. I stitched together my own coat with this company in Connecticut, Hardin Co. Wow.

Yeah, I sang gang vocals with Hayprey on the new album. Wow. Yeah, it's the best. You know, good for you. I actually, I had the impulse to take a job the other day. Like, I wanted to, in a bar again like just to just to

Amy Sedaris does that she works like in a bakery she would work in a bakery and like yeah I don't know I yeah hey by the way I'm always curious about FedEx have you ever worked for FedEx? No dude so what are you curious about just everything like how does it operation run

like you fucking put some shit you're oh here get this here and then homie it fucking ends up on the other side of the country or wherever overnight how does it fucking work How do you order some weird niche product and the next day it shows up at your house? I don't, or do they make it on the spot? Is it just sitting in a warehouse?

I don't know. That freaks me out, man. Well, I didn't understand how FedEx got everything from point A to point B so quickly. Turns out, basically they run their own airline. Oh, yeah, you can overnight ship it in a plane. So that makes, of course. I never thought about it that way. Like, oh, yeah.

Did you think they just put it on like the roadrunners back? I don't know. Like Wiley coyote. Apparently. But I was like, how do they ship all these packages? Oh, they have their own thing. Like their own airline. Same day Amazon stuff.

I'm like, what? Drones. Yeah, but how many fucking warehouses are full of this garbage that they can just grab and give to it? It's fucking weird. That's true because I order the weirdest shit on there. Yeah, like for my kids or whatever. Yeah, I ordered like a time thing. What's that where the sand?

Oh, oh. Came the day of like a weird gothic ornate one. Yeah. Where is it coming from? I don't know. Find out. That's what we're going to figure out on Ian do. You and I are going to ride along with a FedEx driver.

I would love to. It's going to be an immigrant who lied about his status. We'll watch him pee in a van because he doesn't take time off. You never do. It would be great. I would love that. Well, Ian, I'm so happy you came in here. I love you.

I'm so grateful. This was so fun. You're the best. That was fun hanging out when we were shaving the dogs and stuff too. I can't wait for people to see that. No, I appreciate you having me on, man. And you guys have been so kind of me here. I'm really grateful. And you have really good taste of music.

You too. Thank you. I can't wait to compare tattoos when you get them. It's okay. I love you. Bye, everybody. Thanks for listening. Meow.

Is this spirit air? It's somewhere. Get what you pay for, guys. Well, the spirit is in the plane. Never going to be on the good flights.