Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - Triggered By Trauma w/ Triggernometry's Francis Foster & Konstantin Kisin | Your Mom's House Ep. 851

Episode Date: March 18, 2026

SPONSORS: - Head to http://lucy.co/stores to get 20% off your first order when you buy online with code YMH. - For simple, online access to personalized and affordable care for Hair Loss, Weight Loss, and more, visit https://Hims.com/YMH. - Head to https://Wayfair.com right now to shop all things home. Tom Segura and Christina P are back for another wild episode of Your Mom’s House Podcast, diving headfirst into a new batch of internet insanity before they are joined by some very European guests. This episode covers everything from the viral McDonalds CEO video, to horny grannies, to Obama talking black, to Putin praising some broads, plus, Gene Simmons telling celebs to shut up, pigeons taking over a mans home, and Christina showing Tom a game called "Chernobyl or Hungarian Hospital?" Later in the episode, Francis Foster and Konstantin Kisin join the show for a hilarious guest segment packed with sharp cultural commentary, stories about Eastern Europe, parenting, travel, teaching, gratitude, and why seeing more of the world might be the cure for modern stupidity. The conversation bounces from outrageous internet content to real talk about America, Hungary, Russia, Ukraine, family life, and raising kids with perspective. Plus Francis and Konstantin get a dose of Christina's TikTok curations just for good measure. Cheerio! Your Mom’s House Ep. 851 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://christinap.com/ https://store.ymhstudios.com https://www.reddit.com/r/yourmomshousepodcast Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:00:11 - Obama Taliking Black 00:07:07 - Opening Clip: Cool Brag 00:09:34 - Clip: Cool Gal Loves Her Fiance 00:13:12 - Clip: Chocolate Massage 00:15:36 - Gene Simmons Says Shut Up 00:20:33 - Clip: Paralympian Tom 00:21:34 - RIP Robert Carradine 00:26:01 - They Did Surgery On A Weiner...In A Car 00:29:48 - Clip: Public Pooper 00:30:30 - Russian Pigeon House 00:32:13 - Chernobyl or Hungarian Hospital? 00:34:18 - Clip: Screaming Into Void 00:35:10 - Mike The Tax Guy 00:37:49 - Francis Foster & Konstantin Kisin 00:44:58 - Brexit, Royals, & Epstein Files 00:50:06 - Talented Pieces Of Shit 00:56:33 - Talking To Yourself & Accents 01:04:01 - Master Of Accents 01:11:28 - Dictators 01:21:05 - Horrible Or Hilarious 01:26:28 - McDonalds CEO Tries New Burger 01:30:06 - Very British Discussion 01:34:06 - TikToks 01:45:53 - Chernobyl Or Hungarian Hospital? Redux 01:49:07 - Closing Song - "How You Say Cucumber" by Micah Akervold Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. Great news. The federal EV rebate is back. Eligible customers get up to $5,000 with the federal EVAP rebate on select 2027-volt and 2026 Equinox EV models. Visit your local Chevrolet dealer today for more details. There are white folks and then they're ignorant motherfuckers like you. By your own damn frack. That's so crazy That is our ex-president

That's crazy Now you know that guy ain't shit You know I never believed you when you told me that Yeah I never believed you And it really is I think just now I just There are white folks

And then they're ignorant motherfuckers like you It was like six years ago I didn't believe that More no More yeah We played that in Silver Lake right No but from when I first played He was like yeah sure

Yeah Sorry that's motherfucker got nothing on me Right Nothing You're my bitch, nigger. Can we please play this for today? Will you open with those? Are we rolling?

We're rolling. Oh, good. Keep that in. All right. Yeah. That is crazy, though. Then they're ignorant. Mother-Effers like you.

Do it? Do it? Yeah. I miss Obama talking. There are white folks, and then they're ignorant motherfuckers like you. Like you. Like you. He can't even talk cool black.

I know. That's him. That's Obama. No, he, yeah, so for people don't know, he did an audio book before, because he had written a book. At this point, he's written several. And at that point, it was talking about where he grew up. And so it's the audio book from the book that he had written. And people were like, there's no way that that's him.

And it's definitely him. By your own damn frat. That's President Obama. More, more. Now, you know that guy ain't shipped. Now you know that guy ain't shit. Yeah, that's so great. Why does he sound like a white guy pretending to be a black guy still?

Like Eni say, now you know you ain't shit. Now you know you ain't shit. See, that sounds real. Yeah. Does it? Yeah. Well, I mean, I'm half white too. I feel like it doesn't really.

But also, Eni's not like a few years into being a senator, you know? Exactly. He might just start speaking differently. I wish Obama blacked it up now in hindsight. I feel like he code switch is pretty high. He does. He does code switch a lot. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. He ain't bad. He does. Yeah. I mean, his handshake thing is super viral. May I see? He's like, he's like, hello to white people.

Then he's like, what's up? Like, Key and Peel did a whole sketch about it, but it's, it's 100% true. You can see it all the time. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I love it. Look at how he, um, he greets.

This is, who's he greeting here? Yeah. This is like the... Oh, yeah, okay. Yeah? Big time. And then this guy is like, how are you? Got my boat.

How's it going? Yeah, my boat. That guy kind of wanted it. Hello? Hello? Hello? Did I see if you back out of this? Were they asking him about it in a scroll up look right there?

The key and peel, you know, the handshake, you know, is that you, You're thinking that's like an accurate representation. Here's what happened. I'm going down the road, right? A lot of those guys I knew. For sure. It's Steph. It's LeBron.

I've been knowing those guys forever. Coach Fue, I'd never met. And he put out his hand. And so I'm like, all right, yeah, I don't know. Is he going to be comfortable if I pull him into a, you know, bro hug? I don't know. So I just shook his hand. Kerr was right afterwards.

and Steve I knew. Yeah. But the way it played out, I will say it looked just like that key, that key, can feel, did you know right away people were going to make the comp? No, I, I had, you know, it wasn't conscious. He also just said, I've been no instead.

Yeah, yeah, I know. I already did. I've been no instead. That's hilarious, dude. I wish she would go full black. Yeah. He, we can handle it. Can't America handle full black now?

Yeah, for sure. I feel like they could. I also feel like he's so, this is such a nice departure from what we're used to seeing. Oh, my God. Like this just feels like, oh, that's nice. It feels like a nice, you're like, oh, yeah, my uncle's awesome. Like, you haven't seen him in a while. It just feels comforting to hear him speak, you know?

Not like, everything's amazing. I'm so great at his stuff. They did some big things today. Big good things. Missiles that you wouldn't believe. Fucking hit everything that we wanted to hit. We're going to be doing a lot of stuff. Okay.

Cool. I like at least, yeah, at least talk, talk all presidential and stuff. Yeah. He just can't. He can't even fucking pretend to be normal. The guy has a fucking fourth grade vocabulary. I mean, shit, I even saw this thing Putin did for international women's day. I was like, the women, they work, but they are also so nice and feminine.

How did they do this at the same time? Like, even Putin can hold it together and act like a human every now. This is his accidental thing? Is he just like, what are we talking about? Women's Day. This is like the unedited thing. He's like, give you something to drink before I kill you. Oh, they accidentally released this.

Ugh. Yeah. No chook no Bosnia. Give him some vodka. Oh, they accidentally released this. I'm sure he was thrilled about that. I'm sure nobody got fucking beheaded for doing that. It's terrible.

Ugh. Ladies and gentlemen, I am very happy to congratulate you on International Women's Day. See? Ladies and gentlemen, I am sincerely pleased to congratulate you on the International Women's Day. This is not the clip. We always celebrate this holiday with the warmest and brightest feelings. This is not the way. It's when there's women in the audience smiling lovingly.

lovingly. It's a recent one. It's like three days ago. That one. And the women are like, I love you, Putin. No, not this one. Yeah. This is bullshit. But, you know, they, but at least he can pretend to be a sane, rational human. So this is how they go hard in Europe. They give women bouquets and shit. Yeah. But this would be considered anti-feminist to give women flowers here on women's. It would be anti-feminist? Oh, yeah. They'd be like, what do you think? What do you have any flowers for? Yeah, yeah. Fuck you.

Yeah. I'm just like a man. I'm equal. Fucking crazy broads all over the world, man. I think, but this is also bullshit, too, right? Like, you think a bouquet of flowers is going to. Well, I mean, it's nice to get a bouquet. I'm sure they're like, that Putin gave me my flowers.

Yeah. Yeah. It's a special day. Yeah. The Supreme Leader gives you flowers. Let's give a, let's open the show with something cool, all right? Oh, no. Here you go.

Did you ever go down? I'm a girl. Well, I did I'm going to throw up again Last night Yeah Who is Randy? That was awesome

Don't bring anyone mother to this Your mom in the fucking stand Welcome Welcome to your mom's house With Tom Sigura And Christina Plegitzen Welcome to your mom's house

DJ Ever go down on a girl. That was great, man. What's in his mouth? Invisaline. That's not a... Or a whitening thing. I mean, they're really...

I just can't imagine he would have whitening trays. Like, he gives a rip. That's a good point, but it's like, what is going on? What is going on? Oh, that's the perfect smile. Do you think he has the perfect smile? Do you think it stays in when he eats girls out? Ugh.

I want to see. who he's eating out. Don't you want to see who it is? It's definitely someone who's seen better days. Yeah. For sure. Would you take him off? I don't know I'm so. I don't feel good. Stop it! Here's the thing that a lot of people are missing from this is that he doesn't, he licks, but he also, then he's sucked on the clip.

Oh! You know what? Fuck you. Okay. Fuck your mom. All right. Fuck you. Okay. I hate this. All right. We'll switch. Why do you do that?

Let's switch it up. I was having fun. I'm having fun. We were talking shit about Obama. I was talking shit about Putin, Trump, and then this fucking shit. All right. Come on, dude. All you people don't understand how I feel about my fiancee, Richard Glenn

Amelovich. I want to be with him. And if any of you don't get back to me, something's wrong. And I will sue. Sue. You know, I also was, I was telling some of our great staff. I was like, do you think there are women right now watching and going like, wait, someone proposed to her? Absolutely.

And like I can't get shacked up. Absolutely. There's someone for everyone, Tom. There really is. Like, yeah. But I love these clips where the woman is always like, he's mine. He's mine. He chose me.

He don't want you. Stop talking to him. He chose me. Richelope. Richie stop, babelobics. Yeah. I want to start making clips like that. I will sue.

I will sue. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I'm not, who's talking to him? I got to know. I know the whole story. She's like, she's ready to sue you. I don't know if you can sue for that.

I don't know if she knows the law well, but you can't really just sue people. For talking to my fiance? I don't think so. You can try. There's no legalities. Let me tell you about Lucy for a second. I've been using nicotine pouches for a while, but what got me to go all in on Lucy is the breakers. Each pouch has little capsule inside that busts open and releases extra flavor.

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individual results may vary based on studies of topical and oral monoxide and finasteride. Talking to my pastime. And then any sent this in. Cool. Huh. Here's my question. Is this, here's my question, is this an ASMR video or is this a porn video?

I'm so confused. I feel like it's ASMR soft porn, because I don't think it gets into porn stuff, but it's just seeing, well, also it's informative. It's educational. It's showing you how to break down some of that tissue. Because there's, you know, people, there's, there's a lot of muscle fibers in your chest. And this guy's working it out, you know? Have you gone to a masseuse like this before? No, no.

I don't know what it is. ASMR, gay, straight, softcore, hardcore, whatever it is it's wrong. And I don't want any part to do with it. I can't believe. I never. Also, too, which is really unique about this form of massage, is that he's sitting up. Usually you lay down.

Yeah, because this is terribly uncomfortable. It's as uncomfortable as watching people get the massages in the airport or you just put your face in the chair and then everybody in the world is walking. I would rather die! Well, just like porn, this is for the camera. So this really isn't about the treatment.

It's about educating the public on how to do this. It's performative, as the people say. And the guy's just really rubbing the hell out of him, you know, standing over his back. That's not how you give a massage. No, no, no, no. There's so much stuff on him.

What is that stuff? Yeah, that also, I don't feel. like that's massage oil. I don't think so. I don't think so. What, after this, he's like, how you feel, bro? I don't know how it ends, but it feels like it would end. Well, it would probably end in another scene. I would take off my wrist band before I touch the wheel and all. Well, he's got the mic there to speak to what you were saying. I think they want those sounds. Oh, right. Yeah. A lot of grabbing. A lot of grabbing. I don't like the sounds. I'm okay with the visuals, but the sound.

I know. And a lot of people love the sounds, man. Yeah. The sounds is what gets people off sometimes. Okay.

Yeah. I don't like it. I did see, you had mentioned this, the Gene Simmons thing is great. He's fascinating. So, yeah, I came across this on TMZ.

Because TMZ, for people that don't know, in L.A., a lot of times they'll go to, like, the popular, high-end areas, and they just wait.

Because stars come in and out of places. Like restaurants. Yeah, restaurants and stores. The airports. I know right now Ben Stiller is calling out the president saying he doesn't want him to use his movie clips for war propaganda. I mean, it sounds like a lot of people are kind of, you know, criticizing Trump like Hollywood right now, you know, over this war thing. Is that fair? Yeah, because everybody in the world should listen what actors and comedians say because they're so qualified.

Basically, shut the fuck up. do your art and shut up. Nobody's interested in your opinions. That includes me, who I vote for, who I like, who the fuck do you think you are? People in America work hard for their living, and they don't want to be lectured to by people who live in mansions and drive Rolls-Royces.

Yeah. Thank you. Yeah, he's right. Prez right there. He's right, man. It's time for everybody in the entertainment to shut their pie hole. And just do your art.

Nobody cares what you think. I don't. Okay. What will Mark Ruffalo? How are the fucking you pronounce? Is his name? Mark Ruffalo, yeah, yeah. Ruffalo, Buffalo.

What does Mark think about politics? I don't care. So you think celebrities should stay out of the politics talk? Well, we both agree. Okay. Yeah. Or go to Kylie Jenner and ask you what she thinks of the war so far. That was great.

A friend to the show, Gene Simmons, as always, a king, a lord, a true lord. Well, he's Hungarian. Yep. He's one of my tribe. He is definitely. They don't give up food. Nope. Definitely not.

But first of all, we didn't even talk about it. Yeah. Are you on your period? It actually just started, yeah. Yeah. I've had mine for two days. Yeah. What are you doing for cramps?

My doll. My doll. How much you taken? Six. And what about what else do you do? I take ibuprofen and I take some Advil too. Yeah, that's a lot. Yeah.

Your liver is probably all right. Yeah. What are you using these days? For what? For the flow. What do you think? I heard, I saw the diva cup in your bathroom. Yeah, well, I mean, I kind of rotate, you know.

Between? Pads and tampons. What about the diva cup? I don't use the diva cup. But I saw you. I was interested in, but I lost interest. you use it no it's kind of messy it collects the blood and then you pour the blood into the toilet and you rinse out the cup and then use it again which is fuck man I know it sounds horrific no

I was surprised that you were in I farted I wanted to tell you this I farted at the gym this morning and Sean was like oh my God yeah and I go what he goes dude he goes do you need to sit on the toilet and I go I think so he was right He was right. I did. No, let me ask you this. Yeah. You woke up this morning.

You drank your, I'm assuming you drank your coffee. You didn't ship before the gym. You take a loaded... It wasn't ready. How can you... If it's not ready, it's not ready. Yeah, but I don't know how you do that. But it wasn't ready.

And then I ate. So I had coffee, then I ate. And then, like, I could have waited around, but I was like, I'll just go. And when I got there, it still wasn't ready. So I started, and then I was like, it's almost ready. But your shit takes so long. I imagine it cuts into your fitness time. No, it didn't take that long.

It takes 30 minutes for you to shit when you're home with us and the kids. It's funny. I, no. Oh, you do to fast when you're on your own clock. No, I had to clean. I have to clean myself. Yeah. How did you clean at the gym?

How do you think? You just use dirty-ass dry toilet gym? No, Sean does it. That's why it takes long. You farted last night. You and I have exactly like 10 minutes alone when we have our children around. And I was so happy because they were like in the bath last night.

And I'm like, come sit next to me. Let's catch up. I love you. I want to see you. I want to know you, girl. And then you go, I got a fart. And then you blow a fart and it stinks. It smells so bad.

And I'm like, you can't. Just the 10 minutes I have with you. Is there just a time when there's no farts or shit? I don't know. Sometimes it's just how life goes. How life goes. Yeah. Sometimes you just walk into a new page, a new chapter of life, and the first thing you do is fart, you know.

It's not unique to me. I think that's everybody. Whatever, dude. Yeah. Now, people are asking me every day if I won a medal. And I'm like, what are you talking about? They're like, you got a medal? And then I realized that I forgot that I competed. It's crazy. Look at me. You look great.

Got that lip lick. Look at this guy's shot, though. Canadians love this shit. Bro. That's good shot. You did so well. I did. So to those of you,

I did win. That is a silly sport, though, isn't it? Is this curling? I think that's curling, isn't it? Shuffleboard. But they don't they have the guys, they go, Swish, wish, swish, wish, wish.

This is something else. That's not that. You're right. I don't know what this is. Anyway, whatever this is, it's a shuffleboard. Well, whoever that is that looks like me, congratulations. And that was amazing. That was an incredible shot, sir.

Also, you know, we didn't say this last time, and I was so saddened by the death of Robert Caradine. Mm. From Revenge of the Nerds. He plays the big nerd. What's his fucking name, Arvin? No, that was from head of the class. Sorry, guys.

Avenge the Nerds. So funny. And that movie really changed my life. I watched it maybe a million times growing up. Did you love that one as much as me? Oh, yeah, Lewis, that was his character. Lewis Skolnick. So funny.

And you know what sucks? You can't even find this movie now because it's so politically incorrect that you can't find it. I have to watch it in pieces on YouTube when I want to watch it. Really? You can't find this anywhere?

No. They won't, nobody will touch it because it's so... Yeah, he was 71. I know. Damn. And his, you know, whose brother was? David Carody. That was David Carrading's brother

Right? And then you know how David Carradine died? Was it stroking? He's J and his D and choking himself Yeah And then he died from there, dude That happens Just like a fart, sometimes things happen Look at that photo of him

I know I mean he looks cool He was so funny I love this movie so much One time I got to meet Bugger at Gelson's And I almost lost my fucking Did you really? Yeah I met him at the salad bar at Gelsons

in L.A. Did you chat them up? No, I was just like, booger! Like, I can't. Yeah. I don't care about anybody except like,

booger from Revenge of the Nerds. Yeah, I don't know, who else even? Maybe Anthony Borgaine that burp, remember the burp, and then he's like,

oh, God, so funny. He smiles real big. So funny. Yeah. Anyway, he had the great laugh. Robert Carrey.

Uh, uh, that was his little thing. I can't believe that's David Caradine's brother. Is that, am I right about that? I might just be lying. No, you're right.

Wow. Wow. Yanni, could you imagine dying from Jay and your D? How fucking embarrassing that is for your family? Oh, for them, yeah. For you, it doesn't matter. You're dead. No.

Please don't die that way. I won't. I'll try not to. Fuck. Yeah. As the season shifts to spring, the time to clean out and spruce up your space is now. And Wayfair gets that. That's why they have something for every size, style, and vibe you're going for at home.

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It's so embarrassing. Stroking it, man. That's awesome. Fuck. Everybody knows, too. You were J and your D. I know. The guy from NXS died that way, too. That's right.

That's sexy lead singer guy, choking his chicken and choking himself out too, dude. And he fucking died. Do you think he at least got to nut before he died? That's the real question. Because if you're right there and then you die, maybe it doesn't matter, But if you could start to feel it and you're like, oh, and then die, that's a dream come true.

Perfect. Yeah, that's perfect. I think God lets you come before he kills you. I don't know. I think he... No, I think God intervenes. The angels intervene. There he is.

Well, this is a perfect transition. This is literally what I was going towards. So, David Caradine died in 2009 at 72 in a Bangkok Thailand hotel room, determined he died, accidental autoerotic asphyxiation. He was found naked with cords. tied around his neck and genitals. And genitals. Yeah.

And he was 72. Wow. 72 still going on. Oh, he was in Thailand to film the movie Stretch, which is a pretty interesting name for a movie. The literal thing I had picked up here was Thailand because this is a great story out of Thailand. Thailand, a lot of cool things happen.

Also, they have great food. They have great beaches, but cool things can happen there. And one of the things that people go there for. is surgeries. And this guy was arrested for performing penis enlargements

in his car. He admitted having no medical license and said he learned the techniques from online videos, which again, chat GPT is awesome, YouTube's amazing, they're great resources.

It's crazy that you could learn that and then be like, do you make your dick bigger? And you're like, yeah. But what's crazier is that someone goes, yeah. Yeah. Where?

Where? Yeah. There's a Toyota Corolla parked around the backside. I know. It's not even the back of like a Rolls-Royce. This is a shit normal car. This is my stuff. It's so unsanitary.

The suspect promoted his services on TikTok, offering treatments such as penis enlargement, circumcision, and pearl implants. Cool. I might not have to talk about it. I might not have to talk about it. He was charged with practicing medicine without registration, and offense punishable by up to three years in jail. Just three years in jail. Or $1,100 fine.

$1,100 for mutilating men's penises. That's it. Yeah, and imagine when you're like, hey, this doesn't look right. He's like, well, I fucking learned it online, dude. I'm not a doctor. And you're like, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, I gave you 40 bucks. Don't you think the three years?

years and $1,100 is not significant enough of a punishment for impersonating a doctor. I think it's insane. And surgeryizing people? It's insane. This guy is a fucking lunatic dude. But imagine how, oh, God, that would be so sad. They'd be so crazy to do. I want to see his work, though.

Like, can we see if any of it was good? I doubt it. They seized 189 pearling beads and round cubic bean heart capsule and Chinese bun shapes from his car. He also had medical equipment and aesthetics and surgical instruments in his car. Purling is the insertion of small beads under the skin of the penis to create ridges that boost friction during sex. Cool. Doctors, Moria can lead to long-term complications, including scar tissue, chronic pain,

penal dysfunction, in addition to possible infection, which you might get in the backseat of a car because it's not a sterile environment. Holy fuck, man. Well, look, that's all his wares. Those are all his gems. He charged 10. 10 grand bot though for penal enlargement which I'm not sure what is that yeah what is bought to us dollars Jesus Christ oh my God not America I'll tell you that

three other bucks make my dick bigger here's three hundred dollars but how does he make it bigger the beads don't make it bigger that's a different thing that's a different procedure yeah he's not gonna give away all his secrets in this video does he give you a menu what do you want me which one you like that's a bad that's what that's what Look at that. That's on the back seat of a car. Let me give me your dick. Fuck.

God. Men are desperate, though. That's what I was going to say. How desperate are you? Shit, dude. Yeah. You wouldn't even eat. Remember Grapeoupon they used to eat that shit in the back of a Rolls Royce?

Yeah. This guy. He's like, put your dick out. I put some plastic down. This is fucking fine. He's got the, wow.

I washed my hands this morning after I shit. Look, he's barefoot, too. Yeah, of course. Tell me a sound that's better than this. Have you seen that meme? This girl, and she's like, call me crazy, but I don't like store-bought Pesto. And then everybody goes, Susie, that is crazy.

Also, one time my brother smoked a lot of crack and tell me stories. A real crazy story. Yeah. That is crazy, Susie. Yeah. Don't you yearn to be that innocent? Yeah.

They're like, I love to grafah. Sausla. I just, I give anything to me that naive. How much would it... That happy. How much would it cost to get you to spend one night here? Yeah.

Here. In the pigeon house. This is my uncle's house. It's a shield fuck. How much would it take? It's just covered in pigeon shit and feathers. Yep. This is definitely Eastern Bloc.

Yeah, it feels like it. Of course. Is Ukraine somewhere? It's Russia. Yeah. Hey! Can you imagine you're away for three years? You're like, I'm finally going home.

This is what you walk into. It's just... A Russian man returned to his apartment after three years and found it packed with pigeons. That's why you don't want to leave a window open. Yeah. Oh, damn. What would it take, though? Oh, I'd live there.

For a night? Not a big deal. Not a big deal. not the problem. I love pigeons. Can I tell you what I'm doing in our house, by the way? Oh, fuck. Not only am I feeding squirrels. Yeah. I put a bird feeder now. I put the bird seat out in front of our window in our bedroom. I think your opinion would change if that window was open. I'm going to leave it open. Just see what happens in the house? I also want to befriend raccoons. I hear that they're wanting to be domesticated. Well, they're in the yard. You know that, right?

I know I'm working on it. What do you think leaves the trash open for them every night? Leaves it open for them? Yeah, I unlock it. You guys put the the stupid lock on there. Open that right back up. Come, come to me, friends. Yeah, that's cool. This is lovely segue from Russia to my people. Can you play this, this girl. Chernobyl or Hungarian hospital. I see that this building is in a quite bad condition, and to be fair, it looks completely abandoned. So I'm quite certain that this is Chernobyl. This is a Hungarian hospital. Wow, this building looks like it went through a lot. I don't think that this is in Hungary.

Even for Hungary, this would be way too bad. So I'm going to go with Chernobyl. I get three, but this is a Hungarian hospital too. I would say that this looks bad, but it's pretty standard for toilets in Hungarian hospitals to look like this or be in similar conditions. So I'm going to go with Hungarian hospital on this one. And this is indeed a Hungarian hospital. This building doesn't even have balls, so it must be Chernobyl. If you get Chernobyl here, like I did, then you were wrong.

This is a Hungarian hospital. Jesus Christ. This is why you don't want to go to a Hungarian hospital. That's terrifying. In the summer of 1994, I ate too many Mentos when I was staying in Hungary, and I gave myself a cavity, and it got worse, worse, and worse, and worse. Rather than go to a Hungarian dentist, I just waited until it needed to. It needed to be root canaled when I got home.

I was like, I'm not fucking even going to the dentist there. You don't want to end up in a Hungarian hospital and anything medical. Like, I was in Budapest and like it looks really nice in a lot of parts. It's all like that. Well, that's because you're probably staying in Budapest, like the central touristy part. But then you just go a little bit outside. There's got to be nice hospitals. I don't know.

I've never seen one. They don't really have like my grandma when Nana died. It was in summer. and they didn't have air conditioning in the hospital. And this was in 2003 or so. No AC. And we had to bribe the nurses to just like, hey, look after her. Jesus, Christ.

I don't know. That's been a while. That's really crazy. Chernobyl or Hungarian hospital. Amazing. This is why we're married. Just one I think I hate you for playing that opening clip. Then you redact.

deem yourself. That was why do we love this so much? Yeah. So much. I don't know. God, this is amazing, babe. By the way,

for people that are unaware, don't forget that next month, April. Yeah. You know, it's tax, tax month. Yeah. That's tax days coming up.

I thought because of that, if you're not yet thinking about it, there's some things you really have to pay attention to if you're not that savvy. And to help you out, I pulled some stuff from a tax consultant just to get you up to speed and ready to file. Move her around from behind so that the pussy grips your dick. And that's the way it feels good. You've got to do that, man. And that's a Brooklyn rapper. That is a Brooklyn motherfucking rap.

April 15th is tax day. So don't forget. Don't forget, you know. It's important. Otherwise, you know, you don't get an extension. Now you're in penalties. You want the IRS coming after you? I don't think so.

I like hitting it from behind. You can get the pussy to grab you better when you're going from behind. You know what I mean? Yes. So I like to do that from behind. It doesn't matter if she got to have a flat stomach. Right. But even she can be big-boned or whatever.

No, race doesn't matter. I don't care about it. You just got to look good. Effect me. And respect me and then you get it from behind. That's, there it is. Fidelity and Associates, proven integrity, unmatched value, uncompromising results.

That's our guy. I hate you so much. Go into that first page. That image right there. That's fucking amazing. No, he looks great. No, that's a hot, that's a hot photo. I think he's very attractive.

He's a good, I think he takes really good care of himself. He does take good care of himself. I think that, look, he deserves all the P-U-S-S-S-W. that he's getting. I don't think that he takes good care of himself. He runs marathons and stuff. Right? Doesn't he run? Look that hair. He lifts. His hair is fucking amazing.

It's incredible. Yeah. He's a, he's got a nice website. If you want results, you know who to go to. I would date this man. Oh, you should. Dude, I just want you to know, women don't go to the bathroom to go to the bathroom. They go to the bathroom to the bathroom to scheme, to strategize. That's true.

Figure out how they're going to do their next kill. Yeah. Okay. That's what they do. And they talk to each other about it. And then they come back out and they look like they washed her hands. They did. It was, yeah.

This fucking shit. But you got to get the pussy to grip you. Stop with this. Also, if you have 1099s, remember, that's different than W-2s. So, you got to think, are you an independent contractor? Are you an employee? Just things to think about it. Why don't we take a quick break?

Yeah. We'll be right back. I was having fun. Oh, my God. which is my camera high. I never introduced people, but Tom's lighting me today because I love these two gents so much

all the way from England, from London, put your hands together for Francis Foster and Constantine Kissin. Did I say it right? From Triggernometry podcast. Clap for yourself. Do you clap for yourself?

You guys are so self-effacing. Anyway, I did your podcast Triggernometry and it went hugely viral and I wanted to have you guys on the show because I think what you do is so important, which is just talk openly about what's happening in the world. And I don't know, Europeans have a tighter asshole than we do about things, yeah? Yeah.

Yeah. I just demonstrate. I just demonstrate. Yep. I mean, Brits traditionally upper class is like, you know, don't say much. Oh, no, no, no. They don't say much. And then you have the working classes, but they say a lot, particularly after a few drinks.

Yeah. So you will meet an upper class Brit and you'll think to yourself like, How did you conquer the empire? Yeah. Like you chinless, absolutely no backbone to you whatsoever. And then you meet the working classes and they're fucking terrified. Yeah. And that's what you guys are.

Yes. That's what America is, right? It's all the crazy go after it, take a risk people. Cowboys. Yeah. And religious, you know. Lunatics. Yeah.

A little bit. And you like fighting. Yeah. Americans love fighting. Yeah. But you guys like stabbing. Yes, that's what we do. That's part of our culture. Don't you dare shit on my culture. No, yeah. No. And we won't take your culture. But yeah, stabbing is like, I respect it so much.

Like, whenever I hear about a stabbing in London, I'm like, kudos. Because like you really, you have to have rage. You have to get in close. You can't do it from a distance. You got to get right up on somebody. It takes heart. It takes bravery. And that's why you Americans don't enjoy it because it's physical exercise. It's right. That's why we are so fat. You're like lazy, I want to sit here and just go, Yeah, it's so much easier. You can sit in a lazy boy and just pick people off. You know, like the drive-by, the laziest form of execution ever.

Dude, I never thought about that. It is so lazy. Yeah, you literally recline. Yeah. And then you're like, hey, slow down. Yeah. And then roll the window down, which is a button. Yeah.

Boom, boom. And then you're like, hit the gas. And then you drive off. How many calories do you expend in one of those bad boys? I mean, also, you're probably making a fast food stop because you're in the car. So you hit the drive-thru before or after. It's brilliant. It's a really good move.

Chick-fly. Yeah. It's a fat fucking move. It's very American. It is. It's a good setup you got here. And you guys don't have that problem. No, it's kind of hard to do a drive-by stabbing.

I know. But you're not as fat as we are either in London. Not quite. You guys are both living. Just so people know, you're living in London. Constantinia from Russia originally. Shout out. Hello.

My friend. But you moved to, where, Scotland when you were? No, no, my parents had me to school in England, and then I went to university in Scotland. University. College. College. College.

I went to college. And then Francis? My mother's from Venezuela. You've got a Latin mother, too. I know. I know. We share the damage. Yeah.

You know? They're fucking nuts. Oh, my God. Like, I remember, like, my, you know, did you ever have this where you saw your mates talking to their English or American moms and they'd give them attitude? And I'd be like, oh, my God. God. Well, we shit on my mom pretty hard.

Most of the time my friends were like, is your maid taking care of stuff right now? I was like, oh, that's my mom. And they're like, what? No, I mean, my mom was also super Catholic. And so my stuff was usually like, hey, this drive in the car is longer than 10 minutes. We're praying the rosary. Oh, fuck. But yeah, no, so your mom, there was no back talk to your mom. Oh my God, no. Like my mom is like, my mom is a, I love her, but she's a mix of people that you don't want to put together, like half Arabic, quarter-Susilian, quarter Turkish, Cypriot. Really? Very mentally stable. Yeah, very, like, you know. Yeah, she's literally in the corner of a room like nitra glistering about to like fucking fucking fuck. She's got a fuse on her.

Oh, mate. No, she doesn't have a fuse. It's like light bang. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, you know. My mom pops off pretty crazy. Well, you know what? I used to think Francis is the least Latino-looking man who has a little. Latino genetics in the world. But I think you're the top of that. Maybe you're at a level above. I know, I'm a halfie. I'm a full halfie, man. And she looks very Latin.

My mom looks very Latin. You guys are both very pinky. You know, nice pinkie. Well, I got, you probably same thing happened to you, which is I have two siblings. They have more like olive complexions. So they got those genetic. I got my dad's skin. And like, so I, here's the thing.

Does your dad have Irish genetics? Yes. That shit bleaches everything. Yeah. It bleaches everything. You're going to come out full paddy if you've got Irish. Yeah, I do. Yeah.

That's totally what it is. That's Charo, yeah. She looks nice. I mean, she's old as fuck now, but like she looks different, obviously. Different. Growing up. Different. Yeah.

Yeah. She's constantly. You know what I've realized, though? Does your mom hit you up for cash a lot? Yeah, all the time. Okay. Now you guys know. It's how it works.

But is that a Latin thing or it's just a mom thing? No, it's Latin. I think it might be a mom thing, but it's, I think it's driven up more in Latin America. It's like, especially if you're the boy. They're like, what's up? Like, take care of me. I need a phone. I'm like, you need a phone.

Yeah, I need a new iPhone. I'm like, go get one. She's like, no, you get it. I'm like, why? Because I gave birth to you. Yeah, yeah, always. You're here because of me. I'm like, so what?

I got you a car. You can't buy a phone? Like, that's most of our conversations. Oh, absolutely. I remember once I took my mom for lunch She goes, you're doing well I'm like, yes She goes, okay, lobster ravioli

Is your mom from Caracas? Yeah, yeah, she's from Caracas. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You speak Spanish too, right? You do it like a Spaniard, dude. You do that funny. It's very helpful for navigating Uber

in Austin. Yeah, yeah. So many situations that you don't realize when you're young as you get older, like, you know, you're just in these situations where somebody manning whatever, the door, the place that you want to get into is a Latin guy, like, and you just start speaking, at least here in the States, and you just are given access because of that

being able to speak to them. Well, I was in El Paso a couple of years back, and I didn't meet a single person for like two days who didn't speak Spanish as the first language. El Paso is another level, though. That's a proper border town. But you guys have, The Polacks are your Latin's. Is that right? Like I remember being in restaurants and being like, whoa, like your wage staff is like a Polish, like a pre-Polish girl. That would have probably been before Brexit.

Yes. To more than 10 years ago. Yes. Right. Yeah. What is your guys opinion on Brexit? Well, it hasn't really done anything. Like everyone thinks like the people who thought it was going to be bad,

miraculously haven't changed their mind. And the people who thought it was going to be great, they're not happy that it like, it hasn't happened the way they wanted, but I don't think it's actually done as much as people think. Do you see what I'm saying? Yeah, I mean like it was quite inconsequential actually. The most annoying thing probably is like travel stuff, right? Like doesn't traveling become, you're like...

We have to wait in line for a tiny bit longer. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. It's like an inconvenience. Yeah. It hasn't been a big deal. Yeah. After all that fighting for like 10 years. Now it's like, okay.

It's still, it was, it didn't seem to have been over a lot, you know? You know, the wildest thing about Brexit is that, that people ended their marriages about Brexit. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because someone voted Brexit. Can you imagine being a dude now, waking up in a bed sit, like you barely see your kids,

you've lost your house, you've lost pretty much. You're like, this is over Brexit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, and 10 years on, and like nobody gives a fuck anymore. Nobody cares. But they should care about Prince Andrew. What the fuck is happening?

Epstein files. We know Burke Kreisher's in the files. Yes, true story. Brick Reicherer's in the Epstein files. Yeah, that's true. What did he do? He hasn't said yet, but he's in them. If you search the Justice Department,

in them how? What does it say? Don't ask questions. There's results. I don't know. He's a friend of a friend, I guess. I don't know. But it does sound like you guys are going after the creeps in the Epstein files.

Like, didn't your prime minister get, wait, are you allowed to talk about this stuff, right? No, they're going to get arrested. You guys were, no, because when I was on their podcast, they were nervous because there's certain things you can't say in Europe, right? Yeah, I mean, we were mostly joking. Yeah. And also, also in Canada, I'll get you. No, we have what we have is very stringent libel laws.

So like if you talk shit about somebody and it's not true, you can get sued for that. Okay, okay. And that's basically all you guys do, right? Yeah. Yeah. That's what podcasting is. Yeah, yeah. So we're going to have that clenched butthole that you talked about right at the start as we do this.

Allegedly. Allegedly. Yeah, if you put allegedly, then you're fine. So, Prince Andrew allegedly in the Epstein. No, he is in the Epstein. He is the Epstein. That was like his homie. I know.

The guy didn't have a job. He had to do something. Yeah, what's he going to do? Also, if you have access to everything and you get, you get bored, you're like, well, what's some like new cool shit I can go to? Absolutely. How about this island? There you go. And he's such a good looking fellow that's Prince Andrew.

There he is. Talking about economics. But you know what's interesting about, like, Andrew? And someone wrote this article on it. It's that he's never been charged with it. Well, he's been charged with stuff now. But, like, he's never been convicted. He's never, these allegations, they look serious.

Those girls are old, by the way. I don't know. Too old for him. God. I mean. So I'm sorry, but you said he's never been convicted. Yeah. So he's never been convicted of anything.

Why, are we defending Prince? Yeah, this is what I'm here for. That was going on here. Listen, we are a heterodox podcast. We put the alternative point of view. That's right. Okay, but the reason everybody hates him is that anybody who's ever encountered him knows he's a massive. Yeah.

So they're like, you know what? Fuck him. Fuck him. Do you not also think it's because everyone kind of knows that he's allegedly not innocent? Yeah. Do you know what? I think that's probably the bigger part of this. It doesn't help when you're a...

No, it doesn't. No, that's true. That always a thing in life is like when somebody, It's kind of a... And then something bad happens. Everyone's like, fuck them. But if you have this great way about you and people like you, it does help.

Like Michael Jackson. Great guy. Oh, my God. People are still defending him. Could sing, did some dancing. Great guy. That's what Prince Andrew needed to do, just to do some good singing, good dancing.

Make a hit, fucker. Yeah, exactly. Do whatever he want after that. Yeah, exactly. If he wrote Billy Jean, we wouldn't be having this conversation. A thousand percent. But he was Mummy's face. That is a fun list, by the way, when you go through the list of like celebrities who have done something terrible and you go, but like, how good are they at their talent? Right. And then you're like, so true. Like when people shit on Kevin Spacey, like he's, I'm like, yeah, but I mean, I would love to see him starring in things again. The guy's phenomenal. Isn't he going to play Epstein? Yeah, great. I swear, I think there is something that he was being cast to play Epstein. Perfect. That is genius casting, but his brand management.

That would not be the move I'd make Hollywood does not give a fuck He'll be back and working and no time But I'm saying it's like He was found not guilty, sorry He was fine not guilty as well Right He's fine

He has like a big civil thing right He had to pay a lot of money to somebody Right I think that's what happened to him He is back working again But he's obviously been knocked down a few pegs But I'm like talented man Our Kelly's in prison

I would love for them to get a keyboard in there Because that is fucking unbelievable It's the best of both worlds. It's fucking unbelievable. Exactly. Right. He gets to pay for his crimes and we still get the music. Yeah.

Everybody's happy. Imagine how heartfelt that shit's going to be. Oh. Oh, yeah. You're going to hear some, some, he's going to reach down. And I'm sitting in my cell. Because you know how he just does like stream of conscience? Yeah, that's when he got lazier.

Yeah. Yeah. And I'm walking to the thing. Talk singing. Yeah. Girl, get your passport. We're going to time. with that man?

And you're like, what is this? But he's fucking talented, dude. That guy is, he's a, he's a savant. Yeah, he's totally Cervant. I always think savant means retarded. Who else?

Who else is a piece of shit that's talented? Like Woody Allen, if I was shit on him on last episode. He, look, I think his movies

get repetitive and annoying, but was he talented? Yeah. Chris Brown seems to be in the lineup here. Yeah, I mean, everyone's still obviously mad about him

just putting his fucking fists on Rion. But again, you know, guy can really fucking move. She's so pretty. But here's, my favorite Chris Brown story is he went on stage in Ireland, in Dublin, right? And he goes, ah, this is such an honor for me to be playing England. Oh, yeah.

I was like, a lot of people don't know, man. You could play that clip for a lot of people here and they'd be like, okay. And? The Irish one happy about it. No, no shit. No shit, yeah. They tend to get quite feisty when they're not happy. I don't know if you're not.

They get real, Faiski. Polanski, I've always thought was the biggest fucking turd of a person. Great director. Great director. Made some good movies.

Dude. What about Del Cosby? That was the saddest one that were way lost. Dude, you know what? This is a much better podcast than ours. They just sit and talk about who's a piece of shit.

We should do that. Yeah. It's a much better. Just keep saying a little show. You do. Cosby alleged piece of shit. Yeah. Allegedly.

Yeah. Apparently. one of the all-time greatest stand-ups ever. Yeah. Like, just, like, undeniably. Really? Yeah. I would argue, like, Eddie Murphy.

Without question. Eddie Murphy, prior, Cosby. Yeah. Carlin. Because prior, as you know, he copied Cosby when he started out. Oh, everybody did. Cosby is absolutely. Whoa, stop scrolling.

Stop scrolling. Cosby is the original, like, that guy could, can talk about what he did in the morning, getting ready and having breakfast and have an hour special that you would be like, that was the most amazing. Like, that guy is such an incredible storyteller and comic. And, you know, he had a thing for whatever. Serving drinks. Now, Weinstein, I would say, is probably the best guy of all because he, yeah, he did

some dirty stuff. But again, as a producer, these are incredible movies, man. noticed the backlash with Tarantino these days? Yes. So many actresses are coming out and being like he's a piece he's also the most but he's like he's gotten he does something that you don't see in Hollywood really which is like

A list guy being like hey fuck you you suck like he's just which is kind of it's very entertaining because usually those guys there's just like a publicist maybe puts out a statement you're like this is just bullshit he is fully just being like that guy sucks you suck

that movie suck because you were in it, like he's really just lighting people up. It's kind of fun. My suspicion of him, he's a foot guy, though, isn't he? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Those guys are the darkest. Yeah.

Have you ever seen that meme about like ass guy, tits guy and foot guy? No, tell me. There's a meme online if your team can find it. It's the funniest thing ever. They can find it. Oh, they can find it. It's a crack team. It's worth it.

It's worth it. They've been trained. But anyway, foot guys. They're the dirtiest, grossest, most degenerate, yeah? You know there's like a website, a friend of us is female who's on that website. Oh, I'm on there, wiki feet. Right. I was going to ask you if you're on there.

No, that's not the meme. It's like a Simpsons meme or something like that. It looks, yeah, the foot guy is like super creepy in the name. Lose Tarantino. It's not about him, right? It's just about. Yeah, no, no, not Tarantino. And maybe, yeah, yeah, there you go.

Boob guy's third one from the left. There we go. But guys Boob guy That's me But to be fair To Tarantino He always embraced his sleasiness

Like he never played a character Where you went Yeah that's a good guy That's true It was always a weird sleazy dude I remember when I was doing You wouldn't suck

Salma Hayek's toes No Really? No And do you know Here's the best bit About that movie he wrote the script

Yeah So my point is this is no accident He's like You know we don't We don't have anyone cast yet in this Yeah Yeah Maybe me

I don't know who wrote this scene But someone's got to do it Yeah And it's really necessary To the script That you get one of the hottest women In the world To stick her literal foot in my mouth

Yeah It's a good scene Fuck It's a great movie Reservoir dogs crush too I mean I memorize that in college Mr. Brown sounds a little too close to Mr. shit

all good you know a friend of mine told me this story about how he was in a pub in London preparing for a gig and he was just having a drink and there was this crazy dude next to him with like a pile of papers like talking to himself with wild hair

and just putting he's like fuck man there's another homeless dude it's so annoying like why is he in the pub and he just kept trying to write and the guy was like and he was just like fuck

and he turned around and he went oh it's not it's Quentin Tarantino oh wow Like literally almost like a manic episode Looked homeless Hair everywhere Kind of unsheveled disheveled unkempt But just talking to himself

Wives right Allegedly Allegedly Allegedly Allegedly And can you do that in your hotel room I don't know why you have to go to the pub To be crazy

It feels performative to me Because I talk to myself a lot Yeah But that's why I stay home That's what the shower's for Right Yeah You get in the shower

If you think about shit You talk to yourself come out normal. Oh, this one talks himself all day. What do you talk about? Everything. I mean, like... It's constant. Conversations that I want to have, they're going to have thoughts about anything,

whether it's like stand-up or something I want to write. I mean, just everything. I need to talk. Yeah. You have full comfort. I've watched him have confrontations with people waiting for the elevator. And I'm like, who are you fighting with? Yep. A lot of self-talking.

Yeah. Yeah. Do you do, How do you ever do it in Spanish when like you get really angry? Like, conio tupta madri. It's kind of sexy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, sometimes. Especially if I'm around it more.

Yeah. If I'm watching stuff in Spanish, if I'm talking to like family and then so like you're you're thinking in that head, yeah, it starts to come out more. Yeah. Yeah. I find it's like when I get really fucking angry. I'm like, I just find, I'm like, what is this? You know, you just like.

Because the insults are just better. They're so much better. Same with Russian. What's a good Russian one? Oh, there's loads. We have like a full catalog. Let's fucking hit it, bro. What's the worst thing you can say?

Do you know what made me laugh so much during the war in Ukraine? This is a strange thing to lead you. It's really funny. No, but like basically a lot of people in the West, and I'm very pro-Ukraine, but a lot of people in the West who were pro-Ukraine adopted this, like they added Ukraine to like LGBTQ and then they just put the U at the end. If you listen to the soldiers on both sides, like the combat footage, all they're doing is calling each other fuck. All day long, Ukrainians and Russians.

That's all that they do. Pidaras. Pidaras is, oh. But that's not the worst thing. What's the biggest? Like in Hungarian, Kourva Anyad, your mother's a whore. Yeah. As Anyat's pitchavo, like in your mother's pussy and her asshole.

Aze shi-htam boss, I'm like, God fucks you in your ass. Oh, really? Yeah. I think Russians are a second. You guys are impressive. They're pretty foul. What are you got? Come on, man.

Well, it's just like, oh, like all that. Pida, suka, blight, all of that. Oh, you're liking that too. Yeah. Let's do the gay thing a lot.

Yeah, yeah, marika, yeah. Yeah, marika. La putta that's terrible. Yeah, that's the whole who gave, your mother the whore who gave birth to you. I love that stuff.

That's a deep cut. That's a deep cut. Do you know who the worst? the Greeks. Really? The Greeks. And I'll tell you what, like,

so I'm really into like ancient Greek mythology and I remember teaching my kids about Zeus and he would, and halfway through the lesson I was like, this is deeply inappropriate

for 10 year olds. Yeah. Like, because Zeus was a dirty fucker. He'd come down, like dressed as a ram and impregnate a woman. And once he came down, this is true,

as a golden shower. No. He came down as a golden shower. And impregnate a woman. And this kid at the back and I was getting observed on this lesson, put his hand up and went,

Mr. Foster, what is a golden shower? And what did you say? I just said it's a metaphor for life. And then carry you off. That is a great answer. This is a great segue to announce your book, Uneducated. Yeah, indeed. It's about being a teacher, my life, and why you literally should never become one.

Yeah. Don't ever do it. That's so inspiring. Yeah, yeah. It's honest, you know? How long did you do it for? 12 years. Wow, that's a good run.

Yeah, it is a good run. It is a good run. But you look at the before and after pictures and it wasn't a good run, Tom. You know? Why you think he's got so much gray hair? Yeah. Oh, I bet.

And you taught Greek mythology? I taught a little bit to the kids. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What else did you teach? I taught maths, English. I started off as a drama teacher, so not a proper teacher. I'm sorry, can I ask you something? Yeah.

I've been wondering this for like 25 years. Math. Why the fuck do you pluralize maths? Maths? Math. Because mathematics. No. Because we're literate.

No. It's math. Not math. Right. That is a tell that we say math and you say maths. But we invented the language. I think that's the excuse for anything you say. You're like it's ours.

Oh, yeah. Do you know that technically, this is not funny, but actually interesting. That's actually not true. So the colonies preserved the English language much more authentically to what it was. Because the language tends to, in the country that's created it, it continues to evolve. Whereas in America, in Australia, in New Zealand, where the people brought the language,

they actually kind of froze it in time. So your accent sounds more like the accent that would have been the case. Really? Yeah. Yeah. We talk like donkeys compared to you guys. Well, that's what I'm saying.

The way we speak is more like the founding father spoke. Yeah. Really? Yeah. So an example is that is I taught a Jamaican boy, this was like 10 or so years ago, and he had a go, one of the kids in the class

and he said the words to shut him up none of your foolishness boy. Wow! That's tight. Yeah. Yeah. That's genuine Dickensian language. None of your foolishness, boy.

Yeah. Oh, I fucking like that. It sounded good as well. I'm disappointed he didn't do the accent on that. Yeah. Yeah. Is Jamaica? None of your foolishness, boy.

Yeah. It sounds like a grandfather reprimanding a kid. Yeah. And then it was accompanied with the kiss of the teeth, which just gave it and leaving it. You know, it was an extra. Did you see fights a lot in school or no?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Actually, one of the biggest mistakes I ever made is, like, I'm really, I really love martial arts and watching MMA and, like, I think martial arts is one of the best things you can do for young people. It teaches them to be fit, to regulate emotions. Discipline. Discipline, hard work, you know, having a goal, achieving the goal.

So I taught in a really rough, rough school, and a part of, uh, in a really rough part of East London. And a lot of these kids didn't have fathers, they didn't have families growing up, they were into gangs. I was like, the best thing that we can do is teach him martial arts.

So we paid for a martial artist to come in, MMA martial artist, to teach them how to throw punches, how to throw kicks, and all the rest of it. Because you know where this is going. Yeah, shit.

I thought this would be discipline. It didn't teach them discipline, but I tell you what, the fights on the playground? They got better, huh? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. God, like we were seeing roundhouse kicks, like a one, two, three combination.

Holy shit. Yeah, and it was... We just taught these kids how to fucking show their up. Yeah, we did. And we ended up having to cut it short, and it was kind of a black mark against my name. I'm going to be honest. That's pretty. That's funny.

This is going to help these kids, and then they're just all badass. We're just going to bring a knife expert in to show them how it's really done. Yeah, yeah, it was. It was literally like that. I remember once just seeing like the most perfect right hook. And I was like, you see, you can learn, Tommy. Yeah, you can. Yeah, you were throwing shit before.

Yeah, exactly. You got your hips, you got to turn your hips into that. Exactly. You say you can't do maps, but you can learn this. You probably saw more knockouts after the MMI guy came. Oh, yeah, absolutely. And the best bit was, is we gave him a lecture before, it was like, you're not allowed to use this on the playground.

Yeah. It's like giving it Ron and you. Of course. Yeah, they love it. They're going to fucking use it. Any time. Yeah. Why wouldn't they?

Well, Christina was really high on, she wanted you. guys to see this clip. It takes place Ireland, which is of course part of England. And... Ireland, England. She wants to know how you feel about this. And we're here in Calarney because we've been invited by a very special character. I hear he's a local legend and his name is Sham. How are you? Sam, how are you?

Good, my dear. We're here in Calarney today. Nice to meet you. Are you from Calarney? I'm... I'm... Born and bread. Born and bread.

What do you think makes it a great talent? Oh, I get me on the ground. All the tourists, we're not holding the door. Yeah, lots of tourists around. The tourists don't get on me. It's great, isn't it? Great, give me your joy. Well, I thought he made some good points.

Yeah, he did, right? Yeah, yeah, that's both of us after trying Austin weed. Does that sound better, different to your ear? Are you like, oh, I kind of get that. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. Well, because we've had this. We've watched this guy for like a decade. And I always stupidly wonder if somebody from the UK has a better time understanding him than we do. But now you just disprove that whole theory because you're from England, London. And you guys don't understand him.

No. No. Drunk is still drunk. Yeah. It's also the thing. I mean, Constantine will. able to talk about this. But when I used to do gigs in Glasgow, like the guys used to, people come up to me and I'd be like, are you happy? You're sad? Are you going to beat the shit out of me?

What are we doing here? Yeah. Because it would be so thick and everything they would say would be aggressive. And you would end with the word. Yeah. Irrespective of whether they were being friendly or having toward, I've done, you know, UK, Ireland, Northern Ireland, New Zealand, Australia, nothing accent-wise compares, in my opinion, to the Scots. I have met guys after a show that they're like, you know, they had a good time. We're talking at the show. And then as we're talking after the show, I'm like, are you speaking English, dude? And then they all start laughing.

I'm like, I don't understand a fucking word you're saying right now. You can be speaking Aramaic. Like, I don't understand any of this. It's so strong. And it gets worse when you have a couple of pints in you, too. Oh, my God. I can't even fall. It's other level.

Yeah. And it's a y'i, fucking. You're fucking, I'm just like, I'm like, I don't know if some, if you're going to stab me or if you're going to want to have sex with me or you're going to do both. Maybe at the same time, I have no idea. Yeah. Francis Begby. Begby, exactly. Exactly.

It's that, but that is a quintessential Scottish character. Yeah. Yeah. No, go ahead. No, we love them, but they're terrifying. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. You know what the Nazis used to call the Scots Guard?

No. in the Second World War The Ladies of Death Really? Because of the kilts Yeah Oh right Because if a Scots If you piss off a Scotsman

Like Edinburgh on a Saturday night Everybody's in I mean the British Empire Was basically built on using the Scottish To kill everybody Yes They are some of the best regiments In the British army

Because Yeah Yeah That's tight You guys wear shorts In your military I know that Because I've been on different bases

and I'm like, who's allowed to wear shorts? The Brits. Really? I did not. You guys wear shorts. It's kind of gay. On base? Yeah, dude. Kind of gay.

Like, when it's hot in the Middle East and stuff, I'm like, why are you guys get your fucking legs blown off by IEDs, but y'all are wearing shorts. Well, I don't know if pants would keep your legs from that. It'll help with some of the shrapnel. Okay. For sure. For sure. A little dust.

I mean, it's very dusty. I got these, I got these stuff because I had pants on. Don't you mock me. Don't you mock me. I've been watching Ligon ass. I'm joining the Marines. That's right. No, you need to wear fucking pants, governor.

Okay. But we have this phenomenon in the UK. They're called northerners, right? And that's... And northerners, anybody kind of north of Burmian, which is in the center, right? And a northerner, when the temperature gets over about 10 degrees Celsius and there's like a glimmer of sun, they will say this is too hot and they will wear shorts. Really?

Yeah, and if it gets to about 13, they're just like... No, 10, and that's when the flip flogs come out. Really? 13. Yeah, it's about 13 degrees. But Celsius, right? So what is that on Fahrenheit? That's like...

Because none of you guys know what the fuck we're talking about, right? No, but that's... No, that's probably... 80? 13. Would that be like in the 50s maybe? What is it? Yeah, 55.

Yeah, that's cold as shit. No, no, not for those boys. No. It's just like... And girls, actually. And girls. So the woman who is like the CEO of Trig and runs everything, basically.

She's a northerner, and she moved down to London to work with us. And the moment the sun comes out, she starts fucking complaining. Yeah. They want it to be cold. They want it to be cold. That's horrible. To the Ruskis, are they like that? You guys are used to cold.

Nah. Well, we used to cold, but see, in Russia, the summers are very hot. So you get seasons. Yeah. Whereas in the UK, you get one season all year round, which is just, do you know, you don't know this. Since the start of the year, we're sitting here in early March, until the end of February it rained every single day

really every single day in two months yeah and that is just like that most of the year now Hungary at one point had the highest suicide rate how come not England that's a hell of a segue why don't you guys kill yourselves more I mean objectively that's a good question because when I lived when I was there for my year abroad

it was so depressing because the sun doesn't come out and then it's only light out for a few hours. By four o'clock, it's down and you're in the pub and you're drunk again, and it's just like gray. There you go. It's a cycle. Yeah. Yeah. You need that gloominess to keep drinking. Look, they're just tough. This is what I've kind of accepted about British people, particularly outside of London. They're just tougher people. Yeah. They're just harder people. I remember I was gigging in Newcastle, and there was this very beautiful woman at the bar, and I was like, oh, wow, she's gorgeous. And then this guy, like, kept, like, hitting on her.

I'm quite an aggressive way. And to the point, I was like, should I actually step in? Because this is getting uncomfortable. She was drinking a pint like this. Put the pint down, looked at him in the eyes and went, I'm not going to bang you. Fuck off. It's amazing.

Yeah, that would never happen here. That's amazing. Maybe in Philly, but I see it. I love it. They're just tough for people. They're harder people, you know? Yeah. Well, yeah, your working class is really.

tough. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, they're just tough, tough, hard people in the way that, I don't know, like, like I said before, like when you look at them, you understand how we took over the world. And then when they start drinking, you're like, this is my time to leave. This is the time to leave. This is the time to make myself scarce. Because when it gets to a certain point, it makes Sixth Street just look like a kind of, you know, like a yoga studio. I know. I know. Well, you guys are so rough because, you know, I love those period peace shows I watch every single one of them. Everyone.

Now, I mean, you guys like London times when it was all dirt and then the chimneys just belted out smoke and then the dead bodies in the Thames and nothing but plague and stuff. I mean, you guys come from horrific shit. And then getting bombed and stuff, Winston Churchill, that whole thing, remember? That whole thing? Yeah. You guys remember that? Yeah, been through a lot. It left a bit of an impact.

Remember Germany? Yeah. Those knuckleheads? It's a lot. Guys have been through a lot. Yeah. Well, you guys have been through it too, right? Because you're the descendants of us, in a way, right?

In a way, but we're also hodgepige of every other community. You let too many Germans in as of one of our guests. Yeah. Quite a few made their way in. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We do.

I guess so. But, like, if you look at, like, other people's history, like, Russian history. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No. I mean, come on. Like, that is infinitely more true. You guys are fucking crazy. Yeah. Well, you, like, everyone always says to me, why why a Russian so like stern? I was like, look at fucking Russian history. Like, you'd be, you'd be pretty. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's from the East as well, too. Like, Hungarians are Turkish, basically. We're European Turks. Yeah. So it's just a different culture. Well, think about the

history of Russia. So there was a period in Russian history where the Russian people were occupied by the Mongols, Genghis Khan's descendants. That's my people. For about as long as America's been in existence. Yeah. So it kind of leaves a bit of a mark on your psyche. You know what I mean? Yeah.

And then the Mongols weren't that nice. It was kind of like being invaded by like Carl Drogo from Game of Throft. Do you ever listen to that podcast, The Dictators? Have you ever listened to that one? No. No. So good. And they profile, like they do episode, multi-episode, like stories about, like, it's the whole story of a dictator.

All right. So they have it about basically almost everyone that's been, it's been a dictator and they have one about Stalin that's fantastic although I think the most exciting one may have been about Saddam Hussein that was pretty great what made it exciting

just like what level psychopath he is you know it's my husband like he did a just the torture he did was so cool it had like a team of psychologists study these breakdowns of dictators and they said

that the one that registered the highest as a textbook grade A psychopath was Saddam Hussein. Really? I wouldn't have guessed that. I would have thought Stalin. Do you think there's something about being a dictator that makes you that, like just having this unlimited power? Well, I think it probably exacerbates what's there. Right.

So he had, but he had all the formula. Like there's something in your genetics, there is neglect as a child, there's abuse. there's getting into violence at a young age and having it not have the repercussions that, you know, getting what you want out of it. And then as you move up the political ladder and having all this, the access to power and then getting absolute power,

I mean, it's just going to inflame you to be this total monster. Well, that's why I'm asking, because I think if you make me a dictator, I'd shoot some fucking people. Yeah. For sure. That's the whole fun.

We're right. Yeah. How is you going to be a dictator? Dude, I would clean all the people. Like, first of all, let's fucking round up all the scumbags that are like Saddam killed somebody as a teenager. Oh, really? Yeah.

He was shot somebody. He kills him when he was like sick. He was talented from right from the beginning. Yeah, you know, it's like the youth academy. If you're in a soccer, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. He got to get a train. Let's see what you got.

He got along your craft. Yeah, you got to fucking get out there, man. Do you know what I wouldn't do that? Like, because Venezuela has had dictators for the last. It's got a kind of dictatorship now, but Hugo Chavez was a dictator. And when he came in, you know what was one of the first things he did? He banned golf. Oh, wow.

Really? Yeah, he said it was a sport. Yeah, he said it's a sport of the bourgeoisie. And then he went, you know what, it's not even a sport, it's a game and banned it. And I'm for that. I'm for that. I fucking hate golf. It takes over everything.

It's boring. It's tedious. It takes a long time. It eats up land. So much land. Exactly. That and cemeteries. Fuck sad to.

And pickleball too. Fuck pickleball. When you think about how much land cemeteries take up, right? There's just huge plots of land. And it's like once you're two generations removed, if I show you fucking a foster from the 1850s, you're not like, I'm going to get emotional right now. You're like, I don't fucking know who that is. I'm like, oh, that's your great, great grandfather. Nobody cares.

Okay. And it's just going to sit here forever. and then we're just going to keep adding fucking tombstones to this plot of land. It's the biggest waste of space ever. Yeah. You know, what I was thinking is that everything in nature goes back to nature.

It's a circle of life thing, right? Except for us shitty humans because what? They either burn us and then you keep the ashes or they put you in a box so that you can't even decompose back into the earth. I would like to decompose naturally in our backyard.

Well, they should just do. They should slingshot people into the ocean. That's the best solution. You go in. into the ocean, water is life. The fish is and the sharks eat you. And you saved the land. Why are we wasting our land?

Tom, you and I just solved it. Cemetery suck. I've never had that perspective before. It's so much, goddamn. I mean, you're driving down in L.A., you drive down in Westwood, and you see this, like, prime real estate. And you're like, what is this?

Like, oh, it's a fucking cemetery. You're like, there's enough space here for bodies for the next 500 years. You're like, great. What a great use of this fucking land. Build houses on there. Do something. This waste of land.

It makes me crazy. Makes me crazy too. But back garden is probably better, right? Because like your kids can visit. Yeah, I would love that. If you get slingshot into the ocean, like, what are they going to do, hire a yacht? And like, Mommy was shot within the four mile radius of this point. That's true.

You know what I would ideally. Ideally, I'd like to be buried in some kind of a clear coffin that you could watch me decomposed. Does that make sense? Like a glass bottom. boat. Makes sense. It's fucking terrifying. You can see me. That's super gross. That is incredibly gross. I think the only way you do that is if you're like, you know what, I don't think my kids have suffered enough. Yeah. Yeah. I want them to suffer past my day. They had a normal life unlike me. We need some Hungarian experience for them. That's what I want. Yeah. I mean, I just want

them to be able to see what's going on. It's educational. Do you know, I mean, I want to rot naturally. Why can't we just rot naturally? I don't understand when they can't do that. Can't they just bury you? You know what? I've never, I've never been to a funeral in Venezuela. Have you ever seen Tom open casket? I've never seen like Latinos love an open casket. Wait, open casket at a service? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have seen that. Yeah, Russians do that. Yeah. Really? Yeah. I've seen open casket. Wait, like you see the person's face. Right. Yeah. Well, right. Yeah. Otherwise, how do you know if they're there? Yeah. You got to fucking. You must, what do me do trust? You have to check. What if we would not open?

Yes. I just, that would freak me out. I'll be honest, like, I go, I go see, that's why we're different. I'd be like, I trust you. I trust you. Don't open the thing. Yeah.

They don't want to see it anymore. It does freak me out. This is why the West is going to collapse. Pussies, grey baby, pussy. And they don't trust everything. Man, oh man. This is true. I will say I hate funerals, though.

I hate them too. Yeah, I'm not a huge fan. Yeah. It really bums me out. You know what I will say. Yeah, they're kind of science. I don't like being in those feelings. I don't like it.

You know what I did like, though, is when our friend Brody passed and it was all comics at the comedy store? That was like a memorial service. And that was the appropriate level of like emotion laugh, emotion laugh. Yes, the good back and forth of that. That was a nice balance.

You should do that for each other. Yeah. What about us? I was saying, you know, like you're telling him about it. Yeah. Oh, well, make sure he does that for me, okay? You know, have like a fun get-together.

We're like a married couple, like, you know, there's married couples that die on the same day. Yeah. Because they love each other so much. That's me and Francis. Yeah. That's beautiful. Yeah. Except they love each other part.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Just, you know, more out of spite than anything else. Yeah. Do you guys argue? Sometimes, very rarely. We used to more. Yeah.

Like a marriage, you kind of takes, you know, you work shit out and then eventually you just, yeah, you accept. And then the testosterone decline. So, you know what I mean? Yeah. That's the best part. I love a low tea king. I love it. I'm so over like...

All eyes on you, my friend. He's gotten so much better as he's gotten older. It's just, I like to see the will beat out of him. I like to see him dejected and just dragging through life. None of the alpha energy. No, I don't wish. I've had it. I'm done.

I'm drained. Beautiful. Yeah, you may never as you get older. Look at Tom trying to change the competition. So you basically married a blonde Latina, Tom. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Oh, they call Eastern New York.

We're in Japan's, winter Latinas. Really? Yeah, because we're supposed to be the same but just meaner and shittier. Like how you guys like happiness and joy we're the opposite depression and sadness. But we're as spicy as shit. She's real, right?

So real. So real. Just so real. I'm a winter Latina. I'm a winter Latina. It's the realness that keeps it exciting. You stop. Go ahead.

We're going to show them. We get a bank of videos that Christine and I have not seen. Okay. And the idea is to decide whether what we see in it is horrible or hilarious. So I'd have no idea what's in this. Okay. Oh, mother.

Ooh. That's a good one. That's kind of both. Yeah. It was a little bit of both. I think if that mask came down, there'd be some missing teeth. That's what I'm saying. Because it landed on like a cement.

Oh, man. Oh, gosh. Oh, but they're wearing a mask like a bag and I hate this. He deserves what he gets. Wearing a mask outside? Get fucked up. Yeah, it's so fucking... Do you know people still do that in L.A.?

Yes. You go to L.A., you land at the airport. You're like, what the fuck? Did I go back six years? Yes, because they're traumatized. It's fucking incredible. It's still that mantra of you're still in danger. We need to protect you.

It's madness. It's very sad. My friend Jonathan Cogan's got a great joke when he goes, people often ask me like, what in my opinion on trans is? And I'm like, look, it's always the same. It's fine when the Asians do it. You know what I mean?

It's my mask. It's a good joke. Totally. Just like that. Yeah. Yeah, the Asians invented that weird shit. And they invented the weird shit. Yeah, I know.

I do you remember when you're like 15 years ago you're traveling in an airport? You're like, the fuck's going on with this guy. Yeah. And then someone would have to tell you. They're like, oh, yeah. But they were doing it like really out of a lot of times, like, they don't feel well, right?

It's considered. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know, and we're the jerks. I was like, that's a new concept to me. Like, you're protecting the others? It's crazy. It's real communist mentality. So an American.

Why don't you get out of the way? Yeah, I don't know. Was he backing him up? It starts when he's already too close. Yeah, maybe he's like, all right, keep coming. Keep coming. You got another inch. There you go.

Maybe a new driver. That felt to me like he could literally just step out of the way though. Yeah. He's tiny. Yeah. He got crushed though. Maybe his hips not the same. Is that a woman?

I think it's a woman. Oh, it's a woman. I've misgendered somebody. That is on fucking brand. Allegedly. Allegedly. I definitely fucking misgendered somebody. Oh, yeah.

Oh, no. No, no. No, no. No. No. Bro, you just chit my fucking suit. That's not funny, dude. That's why I tell my kids not to even fucking pretend with their stupid guns.

Oh, yeah. Play stupid games. They play guns. They just even point it fake at me. And I'm like, don't fucking do that, bro. There's her original tooth. Fuck right off. Holy shit.

Wow. Yeah, well, you probably shouldn't, you know. I'd love to be there when her dad sees that. He's like, how'd that happen? Well, he put a gun in my mouth. Yeah. Empty chamber. No, no, he wasn't like that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. In the nice way. Yeah. We thought it'd be funny. No. I have to go to the dentist. And the worst part is, this bitch is gonna have to give veneers now

for the rest of her life. Yeah. Just like I fucking had to because my chip is identical. Because you had a gun in your mouth. Yep. Back in third grade, bro. I fell off of whatever.

I got hit in the face. I don't like it already. I know. Oh, my God. Lay down, baby. Lay down, baby. Holy. Fucking retard.

Oh, those are great sounds. You guys have a weird sense of humor. I'm like, oh, Jesus. Is he okay? You lad. Retard, you fell over. What came out? Something ran across the road?

A deer? A deer? Yeah. Was it? Yep. Yeah, bro. Does it? Watch.

Wow. Dude, that could happen. Holy shit. That could happen. That happens with your car out here. Looks like that one was a 50-50 split. Two of us found it hilarious. The thing is, it wasn't his fault.

Like when people do stupid shit. But to me, it's just like a bad thing happens. happened to this guy. A bad funny thing did happen. Yeah. I mean, it's partly his fault because he should be wearing leathers. There you go. You shouldn't be a particularly going on a bike at that speed without others. Oh, interesting. It's like wearing shorts in the military maybe. Wow. Yeah, levers really protect you from that. It's something. You don't get the burn. The burn. The burn. The burn. Have you guys seen the story of the McDonald's CEO? Did that make it to you no so they have they have a new sandwich and so the CEO of

McDonald's came out and was like hey I'm gonna try this new sandwich we got and he got so destroyed online for the video which he thought was gonna be like a cool promotional thing here's what it is and I see if you can find out why they are not Chris Kay here with you've heard about it here it is the big arch This is something that we have tested already. It's in Portugal, Germany, Canada. I love this product. It is so good.

I'm going to do a tasting right now, but I'm going to eat this for my lunch, just so you know. So here we go. First, holy cow. God, that is a big burger. We've got a very unique kind of sesame poppy sort of bun on it. Wow. We've got two quarter pound patties,

a delicious big arch sauce. And, of course, lettuce so oh there's so much going on with this first of all let's try to get this thing I don't even know how to attack it got so much to it oh there's also some crispy onions on here as well I see those kind of coming out all right the moment of truth he doesn't eat that shit ever did that is so good that's a big bite for a big arch it's distinctively McDonald's only McDonald's could do this type of burger but it also was unlike anything else on our menu.

It's a delicious product. You know, you've got sort of the cheeses and the gooiness, but those crispy onions as well gives a nice texture. And, of course, we've got the pickles. So I'm going to enjoy the rest of my lunch, but Big Arch, try it when he can get it. So people have called for him to resign over this. Okay.

Why? So the few things that people are most upset about is, number one, that they're like, that's not a bite. like you your bite sucks it was a small bite yeah and they're like and then they go he did not eat that they're like he's he's like

don't worry I'm going to have it for lunch where they're like it's definitely not eating that and that for I think consumers maybe in the industry uses but for consumers and like yeah to call it product this is a product as opposed to like

I mean it kind of is right yeah yeah but he got this went so viral really that that other fast food chains have been able to capitalize on it.

So they've come out with ads where they're like, we actually eat our burgers. hilarious. Because he doesn't even look like he enjoys McDonald's. No. No. Never. And, dude, that's half a pound of McDonald's beef. Two quarter pounds. I know you guys do the fucking

gay metric system. Right. The gay metric system. America, that's half a pound. The gay metric system. Why is it gay? Why is it gay? Just wrong. Because it makes sense. Yeah, that's true.

We don't like that shit. We don't like that shit over here. Plus the French use it. So like... Yeah. Yeah. That's what's freezing. What is freezing temperature?

Zero. Yeah. Like, what the fuck is that supposed to mean? Yeah. It makes no sense. What's boiling? Uh, hundred. Oh.

Who the fucking... So illogical, is that? You just can't make heads of tails of it. It doesn't make any sense. It doesn't make any sense. Right. You start at zero and you go to 100. Like, what the fuck is that?

Freezing should be 32. You know? I will give you that, but what about the stone horse shit? It's a pile. Do you know what? I've lived in England for over 30 years. I still don't get it. I'm still on kilograms.

Yeah, half a pound. Off a pound. Off a pound. Governor. Half a pound of pace. Governor. But people still, we now do use miles sometimes, right? Isn't that like?

Yeah, we use miles. Yeah. But we use kilometers too. No, we don't. No. That's you never? No. Europe.

No. No, no. No, no. We're still on miles. We drive on the right side of the road, unlike you guys. Yeah. Yes. Yeah.

Yes. So you do use miles. I mean the correct. Yeah. I'm also right. Yeah. So only the rest of Europe uses kilometers. Only the rest of Europe uses kilometers.

Have you always been miles? Yeah, we've always done miles. No. That's where you got it from. Yes. With all respect. I had no idea. You learned something every day.

You gave it to you. You gave us miles? Just like your country. Yeah. Fuck, man. No, you didn't. You're welcome. They took the country.

Yeah, we took it. We gave it to them because they made us. No. I remember once my friend goes to me, do you want to go to Paul Revere's house? I'm like, no, no, I don't. Why don't want to go to a fucking snitch his house? I want to go to snitch his house?

This is a guy who betrayed my country. He sure did. Yeah, he did. Welcome to the Trita Museum. Yeah. Do you do tea time? Do we do? I love a cup of tea.

How do you take your tea? All right, it's got a bit, look, like a man. Like a man. There's an art to tea. Yes. And you, gringos, you don't do it properly.

We definitely don't. I mean, I use a coffee. Café, is better, it's better, it's better, as well, yeah. Yeah, yeah. The Japanese, like, so, no, so you've got, this, this is how it's done,

right? And this is very important. Bagging first. Bagging. Tea bag. Yeah, tea, yeah, tea. You dip your bag. Look, the American.

Get it. Yeah. Hot water. Uh-huh. Yeah. Up to about. So far, I'm following you. Right.

Okay. I would say, I'd say seven apes of the way of the mud Seven apes. You've got to be specific. Okay. Right?

It's about 12 seconds You take the bag out. 12 seconds. Wait, you leave the bag in for 12 seconds. That's nothing. Yeah, no, but it's nice. And then, little splash of milk. What kind of milk?

There's only one kind of... I'm not talking fucking nut juice, Tom. Okay, all right, okay. And then... You're fucking British. I didn't know. Quick stir, serve. Ew.

I'm most fascinated by the amount of time that the tea bag is in. 12? About 12 seconds. It's all you need. It's all you need. Otherwise, you're going to stew the tea. No, I don't believe this.

I just have mine black. I'm progressive. It's actually the Russian thing. Wait, which type of tea, like, bag would you prefer? Because obviously there's a lot you can choose from. In the UK, we call it builders. Builders tea. Builders tea.

If a builder comes around to your house, that's what you give him. Find it. Which, please. Builders tea. Yeah, it's not. A brand, like there's a shit ton of them. But what? Okay.

coffee guy for that very reason. It's either coffee, Austin Water. Both will do the job. Austin Tapwater. Fuck my life. What is in that? I've never had it. Yeah.

Correct decision. Yeah. We drink tap water back home. The first time we arrived was like, three days later. Oh, yeah. Very, very purged, thank you. There's like three cities in America that I would drink tap water. No.

And this isn't one of them. Fuck, no. New York tap water? My God. That's what they say, but that's what the New Yorkers say to fool you in a drink in that shit you trust that he loves it i love it don't take away his joy sorry don't drink l-a's either really no fucking way dude i grew up there no way do you want to give him access to it mr fulsat mr kissinger are you ready kissinger wow kiss you're putting me quite in a camera right there

governor how do you say it kissin kissin kissin the right way you said it's the right Yeah, yeah. No, but say it the Soviet way. Kishen. Kisen. Yeah, this is better. Okay. Okay.

I don't know if you guys know this, but I am a curator of TikToks and I like to focus on the marginalized communities. These are people that are underrepresented, the outliers. I like to give these people a voice. Good for you. Okay. Go ahead, Tom. It's a nice way of introducing them to it. Just email me, your email saying you want my address.

and I will send you anything. Just nail me $1,000 for the hotel idea, 50 for the shirt idea, and I will give it to you. Are you in? Is this an only fan's promo? No, we just on TikTok. Okay.

This seems like it's a message for one person, but your reaction, by the way, just so you know, is how you're supposed to react. Right. Just so you know. You're not missing something. Yeah, I feel like I'm missing something here. Nope.

No. No. No. All right. Okay. Jesus Christ Oh my God Hello love

My eyes Do you know what The marginalised community I actually think the internet Was a bad idea You haven't seen a lady Shaving a fanny Come on Francis

Look at me She looks like one of the dinner ladies From school Yeah Oh my God That's right Francis Your dreams have come true My friend

I'm just shaving me Minge. Yeah. Smash your pass, Francis. Is that what they call? Me minge. Me minge. So you're in.

Oh, dear. Of course. Yeah. Oh, my God. Just so you both know, Christina put this together. Yeah. Okay, I can see that.

I feel as I should justify these fines. For 20 years, my husband has been torturing me with clips of cool guys being like, girl, I want to eat your pussy. Why don't you show them the kind of stuff that you fucking show them the opener from today. Let me see. It's so awful. 20 years of this.

So now I'm finally. You're not a real eater if you don't eat the balls too. That's the best advice message for grind I've ever seen. Boy, yesterday was my birthday. Oh, my goodness. Had two shardies come over here. They left with wet asses. glue all in their hair.

Matter of fact, I think one of them had to go to emergency. Some shit was in her eyes. She couldn't get right and shit, man. Left out of here with bloodshot eye. Shit all in the hair. Yeah. We're dead asses. Yep, we said it already. I said, next time you come over here,

don't think you're going to play with Unkey. I hammer your ass down. That's America right there, man. What a gentleman. Yeah. I want to tell everybody what I just did. And don't judge me. I let my woman ride my face and water for me.

And I loved it. Am I wrong for loving the taste of a woman so much? If I am, let me know when you drop David in the comments and hit that like Chef Say. Tastes so good. I'm going to fucking throw up. So I show her stuff like this to, you know, arouser. And now finally. Did you ever go down on a girl?

Well, I did last night. Oh Oh, dude, dude. Trigonometry is a podcast you can listen to whatever you get podcasts. I don't forget. Oh, man. Let's get back to what I have to show you.

So finally, TikTok has the great equalizer. Now, finally, women are having their chance to express themselves sexually in the same way that men have been for... Yeah, I think I'm against that. By the way, me too Why don't you see it? First, you got to see.

Oh, Jesus Christ. Well. Okay. I like the music. Yeah. The music was cool. Yeah. Well, how'd that make you feel?

Yeah, turned on. Yeah. Super aroused. This guy can drink beer through his nose. Right. There's so many hidden talents out there. That's impressive. That genuinely is.

And you know when he was 19 years old and he was in college, that was the trick. Yeah. Yep. Totally. That's when this shit started. I'm betting hard against that he went to college. I'm not going to college, bro. But that is a very cool trick that he learned.

Asians, man, they're just better at everything. I'm doing. Okay. By the bearpupo Lucy Shultz is the birth in full of gunger. But not all is not all right your baby comes with the poe

on the world. Oh, it's a baby. The student, Karolini, has so a file not in-act um, so much that's

... Do people give birth from this position? Yeah, yes, I have friends do it this way. It's actually a better way to give birth. I'm an expert. Yeah. Is it really?

Yeah, I've done it like three times. No, it's, it's, you're letting gravity do the work. Yes. It's better than laying on your back and, like, taking a shit in a bed. Like, this way you can take a shit on your baby's head as it's coming out, which is what I'd prefer to do. Yeah. No, but I do imagine this feels better as a woman, like, to push beer down. Do it, do it again.

Were you there? Fuck right off. Yeah, you were. Yeah. What'd you make of it? It's fucking awesome. All this shit came out and then there was a baby. It was cool.

Yeah. Yeah. It took forever, man. I was just like, get the fuck. Push, what are you doing? Lazy. Yeah, super lazy. He was eating a breakfast burrito through my first labor. Really?

Not the whole time. I imagine she's a bit of a ranta in those moments, right? Look, we got in there at 3 a.m. Right. Okay? I had to go let the dog out. And on my way back, I had to get a breakfast burrito. Right.

Then I came back, and then she's still, I'm like, where's the baby? She's like, I don't fucking feel it yet. It's like, you know, she took, I don't know. She took, I don't know how long, hours. It was ridiculous. It was so much time. How many kids do you have again? One.

Were you there for it? Yes. What did you think of the miracle of life? I loved it. Yeah. Yeah, I loved it. It was kind of scary, though, because when he came out, he was either in there for two.

I don't remember exact details, but they pulled some kind of fucking rip cord and, like, about 50 people stormed in. I was just like standing at the wall like this, just like, and then 10 things later, oh, he's fine. I was like, well, why did you have to do that fucking thing then? Yeah.

But anyway, But apart from that, I actually really enjoyed it. Did you really enjoy it? Yeah, the miracle of life. I was delighted to be there. This is Tom's reaction to everything. Like, oh, I just gave birth to our children. Go ahead, react.

Great. This burrito is good. Yeah. They put number one under the oven, you know, the heat lamp. Ellis or son. Right, the first one. Yeah. And then...

Oven is an interesting term. And then I was like, what's up, little dude? He grabbed my finger. That was adorable. That was good. The best was bringing him to see Julian, number two. And Julian was in the, in like the little bed. And I held Ellis.

Ellis was like two and a half. And we looked down, like, that's your brother. And he was like, let's go. I was like, don't bring that shit home. I was like, oh, he's coming home. Can I tell you something now? Like, did your wife shit while she was pushing? I feel like it's some private information, but yes.

Okay, so I think it's very normal. I pushed out both of our boys. he claims I never shit the bed Who claims? He does He was there watching me push for hours and hours Well that's a good No no that's how you know it's about to come out isn't it

Dude yes That's what the midwife said oh she the shit is coming Yes Here we go The shit is here I didn't see shit come out man I don't know what to tell you She keeps asking me I'm like I didn't see it

I didn't see shit now I saw a bunch of you know Blood Placenta Fluid and everything come out when the baby came out. It's beautiful. If anyone's listening, it's a great experience. Yeah, you should do it a lot. We're selling it well. Yeah. Yeah. And then, yeah, then the baby. But I didn't see shit come out. And she's always like, tell me the truth. I'm like, I didn't see shit coming.

Why does it matter so much? He's lying to me. Yeah, I don't know why. Because I'm, I didn't, because when you're doing that, I just need to know if I shit or not. I just want to know the truth. I feel like I I didn't, I want to go back in time and look at it now with a mirror. Like, I wish I put a fucking mirror there so I could see what's happening. I feel like you're misallocating your focus a little bit. Well, tell me. What do you mean? Well, you had a baby and then a little shit came out. Like, but I

want to see the shit come out. I want to know what existed. I don't know why. You see what she picks. Yeah, that's fair. Yeah, it's fair. Yeah. All right. Well, let's get to the bottom of the the shit question. We've got a friend of ours who's a comedian when he was present for the birth of

his first child. He actually fainted. He did? Yeah. He's. literally fainted. Like in the movies. Watching it, watching it come out? Yeah, yeah, yeah, he just went, wow.

Guy. Yeah. A little bit, you know? Yeah, I mean, come on, man up. Yeah. Man up, dude. That wouldn't, that, you wouldn't want that as a woman, would you? You're not going to get any sympathy from your woman for that, I mean?

No. Yeah, I probably would be. What would you do if you fainted? Fucking fag. Yeah, I believe you're such a big. Get over here, dude. Yeah, I probably, honestly, in that moment, because you're so angry, because you've already been pregnant for nine months. You've already

gone through it all. Now I'm giving birth and you can't even fucking stand there. Yeah. Do you know what I did? Like fucking stand there, bro. I did. And I'm hungry. Fucking hungry. Hospital doesn't have shit for us to eat. No, they should have better things to eat in hospitals. And they should have a bed for the dad to sleep in.

To give you guys that couch. Yeah. But you know how you were just like number one and you're like, the name is that? That's a very Latin thing. Yes. It's so Latin. To not know your kids? Yeah, my mom goes to me. Yeah, my mom, my mom goes to me.

Benaki, which means come here. She goes, Ivan, Pedro, Luis Manuel. Those are the names of her brothers. Then she goes through the names of the cousins. And then she goes, you, macho, whatever your name is. Yeah, yeah. Come here. I'm like, Mom, I'm an only child.

It's just me. Yeah, there's just me, literally. And you can't learn the name. Yeah. She goes, I know too many people. I do too. I do too. Yeah.

I always say the big one and the little one. Yeah. Yeah. That's how you do it. Yeah. Yeah. Come here. El flaco, the other. That's cute. Yeah.

Yeah. All right. You're going to show them. All right. Here's it. Yeah. This meme. Okay.

Oh, there's more. Okay. I hate this. So this guy. I like that he keeps checking the camera. Robot that he can fuck and dance with. I don't think you fuck that one. No.

That is incredibly unappealing. Yeah. It's a good dance partner. I mean, Fair and girlfriends are coming. They need to all of their game. Yeah. I hated it so much.

This is the one that she really wanted to show you, though. Okay. There we go. Chernobyl or Hungarian Hospital. I see that this building is in a quite bad condition. And to be fair, it looks completely abandoned. So I'm quite certain that this is Chernobyl. This is a Hungarian hospital.

Wow. This building looks like it went through a lot. I don't think that this is in Hungary. Even for Hungary, this would be way too bad. So I'm going to go with Chernobyl. I get tricked, but this is a Hungarian hospital too. I would say that this looks bad, but it's pretty standard for toilets in Hungarian hospitals to look like this or be in similar conditions. So I'm going to go with Hungarian hospital on this one.

And this is indeed a Hungarian hospital. This building doesn't even have walls, so it must be Chernobyl. If you guess Chernobyl here like I did, then you were wrong. This is a Hungarian hospital. Okay. There you go. Is Russia any better than this, though? I haven't been back to Russia for a long time, but I used to go to Ukraine quite a lot,

and that's exactly what toilets and a Ukraine and hospital. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. Yeah. This is the most American podcast. Hey, guys, you're so poor. Look at you. That sucks.

Can't even afford a motherfucking hospital. No. This is her mother country, though. It's only because I don't think Americans understand. sometimes. Oh, yeah. And they're like, who fuck this country?

Like, I was getting on the freeway and I saw graffiti. It was like, America's fascist. It's like, no, it's not. Not truly. You guys don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

Why don't you spend some time in a Hungarian hospital. There's a lot of people don't know how good they have it. Oh, 100% man. That's what I'm saying. No, no, I totally get it. Shit.

It really bothers me, actually, how little people understand. I always say, like, if you want to inoculate your children against being retarded, just like have them travel around the world. I feel so grateful that I have family I can visit in like poorer parts of the world in Ukraine and Armenia and other places because that is like a vaccine against stupidity.

Absolutely. A vaccine against ingratitude. A vaccine against this shit of like America and Britain is so terrible. And look, sometimes, you know, countries go in a bad direction. But still, we are so lucky. Still. Incredibly lucky. Still at the top of the food chain, bros. Like, you want to be born on this side of the thing. You know. You do not want a toilet like that. No. Fuck. So should we take the kids to Hungary this summer? No.

When's a good age to start taking them to show them the plight? How old are you? 10 and 7? Yeah. Right about now. Right about now. Maybe go to Budapest this summer. Budapest is actually really nice.

No, no. Budapest is beautiful. Take them to hospital. Yeah. I'll be in San Tropay, you guys tell you. We gotta go. But everybody, by Francis Foster's new book, Uneducated. Yes, please.

My life is a teacher. teacher why you should never become one amazing and listen to triggerometry um everywhere you can get podcasts what's your favorite place for people to to access the show youtube youtube watch it on youtube um thank you guys both for coming in it's a pleasure thanks for having this it was awesome and i hope you have some uh brisket while you're in town always always okay thank you all right we'll see you guys next time bye get it understand you're speaking english do you know that judge You know that Dutch.