Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - Tripping For 7 Days Straight w/ Dave Landau | Your Mom's House Ep. 868

Episode Date: July 15, 2026

Become a paid channel member of YMH to get Your Mom’s House episodes one day early and AD-FREE here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCYIgiXwJck_Pb5Nj-wIrsqg/join SPONSORS: -Ready to upgrade your home for way less? Head to https://www.wayfair.com right now to shop all things home and get your space ready for less. -Right now, when you buy two months of BlueChew Gold, you get the third for FREE with promo code YMH at https://BlueChew.com -Go to https://helixsleep.com/ymh for 27% Off Sitewide — Exclusive for listeners of Your Mom's House. -Start your free trial at https://SHOPIFY.COM/ymh On this week's episode, Main Mommy Christina P holds down the fart with stand-up comic Dave Landau. He's the perfect co-captain to match our dark and twisted-ness, starting with a shared love of David Lynch. After a brief interruption of a staff member (male) in short shorts, Dave recounts his trippy days totaling in approx. 400 hits. Kids these days will never understand. Christina introduces Dave to some Cool Guys and Gals including, but not limited to, a CPAP monster, a pirate, and a guy that looks eerily similar to Robin Williams in Toys. Wrapping up the episode with Christina's TikTok Curations, Dave and Christina take a few detours into closeted celebrities (shout out George Michael) and hidden toilet cams. Your Mom’s House Ep. 868 https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://christinap.com/https://store.ymhstudios.comhttps://www.reddit.com/r/yourmomshousepodcast Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:04:16 - Short Shorts 00:09:48 - Opening Clip 00:15:42 - Trippy Dave 00:27:15 - Kids These Days are Screwed 00:34:51 - CPAP 00:42:04 - Pazsitzky Effects 00:45:29 - Closeted Celebs 00:55:31 - Christina's Curations 01:06:09 - Worst Cigs 01:14:08 - Hidden Toilet Cams 01:22:27 - Closing Song: Cool Girls Club By Versace Kolache Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. This episode is brought to you by Accenture. When your advertising operations fall out of sync, everything else follows. Spotify and Accenture are working together to reinvent the rhythm of ad sales, using automation, analytics, and smarter workflows to simplify campaign delivery and access better data across the business. The result? Less time spent on operations, more time connecting brands with the moments and

fandoms that matter most. Learn more at Accenture.com slash Spotify. This is what I like about people closer to my age is that you just get stupider and sillier. Yeah. When you're like, yeah, I don't know, but younger people are not there yet. They don't want to look stupid. I know, but then you just realize that all times are times to look stupid. Yeah. It's so fun. You're just going to look stupid regardless. I know. And then once you have kids, you should look stupid. I know. We're rolling, right? Oh, I wish you would have that. Oh, that's good. Yeah, I agree.

Should you meow again? Wish I meow, meow, meow. No, but you're right because you look, you're going to look stupid. And as you age, you do look stupid. Physically, you look stupider. Yeah, I'm slowly getting stupider looking. Just based. My Polly Walnuts' hair is coming in.

It's just the worst. Oh, you're gray, your silver dogs? Yeah, they come on just the side, though, like the wings. I'm getting used to that. Wasn't it the Batman character? Whose boss had that in like the old comic books? Was it Superman? Someone did.

I want to say it was from Spider-Man? Spider-Man? Was it Spider-Man? Yeah. Jay Jonah. Yeah, that's kind of cool though. Yeah. Anyway, Dave Landau, thank you so much for you, you extended your stay in Austin just to do my show.

And I'm so grateful. Please clap for Dave Lando. He's very fun, man. I'm happy you asked me. Oh, I love you. I got to see you at Mothership this weekend. Yes, it was really nice to meet you. Oh, my God.

And I was like, please, come. Come on the show, please. I love you. You were an eraserhead t-shirt, which I haven't seen one in decades. Yeah, I'm a big David Lynch fan. That's so, see, but you don't look like you'd be into weirdo David Lynch stuff. I love David Lynch.

I think the first time I watched him, I was like 11. And it really got me into like that independent film boom in the 90s because it was probably like 93. And just watching a movie that made no sense with like a fetus baby and a woman. Eraserhead, yeah. I just, mommy loves you, that stuff. It was just great. It was so good.

Well, because I've been following, we talked about this, but we'll just rehash the old conversation. Why not? On the green room. I follow David Lynch on, well, I was dead, but on TikTok, there's all these great, short little blips of just of him. And you're like, God, he was so interesting.

And I wish we could have just seen more of him. That's what I like is his outlook on life, which is just everything's chaos. Yeah. Like how he put a movie together, which if you take, take his masterclass, it would work for no one else, which is why I love that it's a class. Yeah.

Because it's just write an idea down on a piece of paper and put it to a board. And then once you have 80 of these, that's your movie. Just that's it. Yeah, that's it. No sequence. Nothing. No cognizant. No, but isn't life like that?

Because that's the point you realize when you get older, you're like, oh, like wild at heart is, that's a documentary. Yeah, there's no happy ending. It just keeps going. There's no. Well, nothing makes sense, so why should a movie make sense? Thank you. That's what I liked about them.

Well, that's what I like, too, because I get so annoyed with, like, the narrative structure of films. It's, like, so corny. Like, can we just have a... I kind of like, that's why I like foreign movies, like French movies. Because sometimes it's just about nothing. It's like, just people talking and having feelings. And horrific depression.

I love that part. It's the best. I know, because, like, everybody's depressed. Yeah, it's just a black and white suicide letter. It's really... It's really nice. What I loved about, not even to go back, but the one thing I learned about Lynch last week was that he used real human brains when Dennis Hopper dies in blue velvet.

It was that particular to him. I've always wanted why that looked a certain way. Bring it up. Yeah, real human brains. Because, but why? Like, he could have just had, nobody is going. Are those real human brains? No one's going to test you.

I didn't think it was authentic enough. And he's like, well, these came from, you know, hungry. That's the best character, I think, ever. I know. Just doing the animal nitrate. The anal nitrate. Bring it in sweet potato. This is Tyler, everybody.

He makes the coffee at your mom's house. Hi. He's got the greatest hair. And he usually wears shorts, but today he's not, which is very upsetting because it's hot out. He wears like this short, like these, like, he's gone. Like, they're a little too short. of a workplace?

Like you should not. It's a style for younger people and I don't care for it. I don't care for it. No, especially. Well, on men, especially. It's not okay, right? It looks like you're wearing your short pants.

Do you talk to them about it? Mommy, I put my short pants. Everybody talks to him about it. Yeah, they're like, listen. No, but we encourage it. Oh, you want to see how short they'll go. Of course. Yeah.

And like we and Y.M.H. Encourage shit behavior. Like, we're not going to tell him not to. No. Just slowly. gaslight him into doing it until you're like, look, we can't have you here anymore. That's fire. These are offensively short.

So it's an end of 8 to HR. Just until there's hair. Oh, pubic hair? Yeah. I know. That's how short there, some of them are getting. Well, I see these little girls wearing long t-shirts and then just, just underwear, I guess, under. And you're like, yeah, it's, it's, I don't know.

I can't say anything. It's weird. In my 40s, I don't care for it anymore. Wow. I should care for it. Well. But yeah. But you have a kid.

That's the problem. Yeah. And then you're like, what are you doing? What are you doing? Yeah. Your pussy's hanging out. Yeah. Put your pussy away.

Your beaver's hanging out. And this is your fault. Thank you. It's because of how you were dressed. Yeah. It's your fault. You should apologize to him for dangling that in front of him. Oh, there's Tyler Shorts.

Bring it back. Bring it back. Why'd you do that for? Those are his shorts. I don't know why it's so zoomed in like that. Those are his shorts. That's not. No, it's great.

Those are Lulu lemons, aren't they? They're very tight. Those are like biker shorts for him. He's got confidence in those legs. Those are, is he Lebanese? There it is. There's the whole. Wow.

It's cute, though, right? Like, I don't think it's bad. Oh, no. With the converse, it's definitely something a young woman would wear. Look at what Tom's there. Tom's, like, pointing it and making fun of him. Tom's wearing shorts too Matching shorts

Yeah A couple of gay lords Waring shorts Yeah He really is just Yeah he's like Your shorts are gay Mine or fine

Mine are fine You're just a pod call In the kettle shorts Yeah exactly It's a bit much Oh fuck We gotta talk to Tim about this It's ridiculous

Yeah that's I hate shorts I'm not Fuck I hate them I hate them on me My wife makes me wear them What do you make you wear them She thinks I should wear shorts

She's like, you have good legs, you should wear shorts, but I don't want to wear them. Because it's fucking, they're so vulnerable in shorts. I just think they don't belong on a man. I don't think so either. My parents were like that when I was young because I'd wear big baggy pants. And my dad always liked that because I'm 5, 6. And he's like, good job. You figured out a way to look shorter, you idiot.

And, but I just would never, because it would be like 100 degrees outside. I'm just walking around, you know, just wigged out in my giant 90s pants. Of course. Like, I was Gothic in the San Fernando. in the 90s. And I wouldn't fucking wear shorts. No, you're getting heat stroke. Dude, proudly for a look. Valiantly. And my velvet capes. Like, fuck you. Fuck summer. Like, I don't, I don't even acknowledge summer. I was not a summer person. No. No. It's ugly. Yeah, not that at all. Unless you were in the car and the air conditioning was up, then it's fine. Can I tell you what I hate

more than shorts on men? Sandals. I don't care. for them either. Really? I'm not, at flip-flops, I understand if you're going to a beach, sure, because that's the only

time you're going to wear them. Sure. But if you're rocking sandals like your Jesus, it's just not a look I feel that belong. Yeah, that's. The Birkenstocks.

God, they're so ugly. And the thing with Birkenstocks is that they're all worn. Like, everybody's got the black worn out bottom to them, like the cork gets all dirty and worn. And they just look dirty

all the time. Your feet look dirty to me. Well, you can also throw a nice pair of socks on under and it looks like you were chemically castrated by a jury. They're the most master looking shoes. Or Russian. It's a very Slavic-y thing. It's so ugly. Fuck, I hate summer fashion. I think that's what it is. It's just hard to look cool. Oh, my God.

Yeah, the crock clog thing. Fuck off. Kids love crocs too. I know. My kids wear them. My son does. boys, so you have to, because they don't want to take the time to put fucking shoes on. Yeah, and they'll destroy, if you buy them Jordans, they'll just ruin the back of them in five minutes. Of course, and they don't want to tie the shoe.

Right. And we have like snakes and shit here in Texas, so I'm like, you can't run outside, barefoot, you're going to stay upon a snake. Yep. You have to at least your crocs on. Come on now. Phone crocs. Come on. See the worn out crocs?

Steve Jobs, Jobs worn out Burkonstance. See how ugly that is? Yeah, that's why he had the cancer. Yeah. God gave him cancer to stop. God's like knock it off jobs. He's like, look, I'm telling you one more and your pancreas is done.

Ah, fucking amazing. I'm so glad you're here. Let's open up on, we haven't even done our opener. You and I have just been, I had a feeling you and I would be like this. You and I are good vibes together. Yes, likewise. I feel the same. We're good.

Here we go. Sealing fans are slow-moving helicopters for the indoors. Stupid. To your mom's house. Tom Sigura is in L.A. Meow, Meow Jitsky. Miao, ma'am out. Miao.

Miao. The number of times I do that. And it looks cooler every time you do it. Yeah, it does. Miao, meow, meow. Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. Fuck. That's up, Dave.

How are you? I'm good. I just got these bifocals. I like them. Thanks. Now I have to wear glasses, like all times are times for glasses, whereas before it was, like, kind of optional. Yeah.

Have you aged there yet? Have you done that? Yeah, I got the, what do you call, Lasic. You did it? I did it. Ooh, tell me everything. I did. I did it about 10 years ago, and it worked pretty good.

at the beginning you have starburst in your eyes so for like a year and a half every time you saw a brake light it was like you were on acid so everything was just tracers and would pop and I'm like well this is permanent for sure like did you have that panic of this is I'm forever seeing

oh no it is permanent I just got used to it shut the fuck up yeah those starbursts that come with the laser the guy goes I did it for the Detroit Lions the one of the guys who did it and I'm like oh that's good

the shittiest team in the NFL Well, I'm glad I'm here. So, yeah, I have that. But, I mean, I can still see 2020. Yeah. I think it's starting to rot a little on my right eyes, so I think I have to go back in. No.

But for the most part, it's good because I could start seeing it night again. That's exciting. Yeah. Wait, but then the starbursts, the LSD stuff, is that just a cool bonus from your particular surgery? I think it's just a little bonus. It might be a mix of something I had from HPPD and just doing a lot of acid that was stuck there.

Me too. Oh, do you have that? Not HPPPD. What's that? HPPD is like this weird thing I have where it's, I just did a lot of acid and I left some issue with my brain where, let's say if I look at this table for way too long, it'll just start moving. Stop.

Yeah. It takes a little, but no, it'll do it. Yeah. I didn't know there was a thing. Yeah. Hallucinogen persisting perception disorder. It's a cognitive condition where a person experiences continuous or recurring visual hallucinations and sensitive.

sensory distortions. Oh, visual snow or halos long after stopping hallucinogenic use. These flashbacks occur sober. Yeah. Yeah. So that mixed with LASIC is a real cluster. That's a real game changer. Woo! Really? Put some pep in your step. Yeah, I never knew about it. And then finally my therapist sort of figured it out. And then I had to confirm by a doctor. That's probably what it is. Here at your mom's house, we know a thing or two about making a house

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information. We thank Blue Choo for sponsoring the pod and the bedroom. Dude, how much LSD did you do? I ballparked it at a little over 400 hits. Hold on. And I'm like, I've done a lot of lot like that's not how much i was doing yeah i did a lot see i did it in high school what okay so yeah okay so walk me through it like how are you how do you how old are you how much 14 is when i first took it same yeah laelalooza oh nice you're at lalopalooza at 14 yep and jane's addiction was coming on no suzzie vangis but anyway go ahead that's not about me that's a way better story mine's like in my yard that's okay with some friends but i freaked out and had to leave lalapluza because i was i took two tabs on the first time.

Oh, that's a lot. Shouldn't have done that. And it was good? It was a gel, gel tabs. Oh, you hit the gel tab? Black ones, yeah. Oh, no. Yeah, I was, I freaked out.

Was there a name for it? I don't remember. This is 1990 fucking two. Okay. But back to you. I'm sorry. No, you're fine. You're fine.

No, this was 96. So, no, I was just, my friend had him is in our yard. He had paper. And I like the paper tabs. Yeah, and I just took a regular hit of paper. And my friend started twirling around a cane that I don't even know where he got it, to be honest with you. You could have

stolen it out of my neighbor's garage. And I just started noticing the tracers. And then we started just kind of going like, we should do acid a lot. So it turned into years of us just buying acid, everything we could get our hands on, taking it in school, dropping it before class. What? Yeah. The most I ever took it once was 13. 13 hits? 13, yeah. Of paper tabs? It was paper tabs, yeah. I don't know if gel tabs, I would have came back. They also had the mescaline gel tabs that were also with acid. That's probably what I did. Yeah, that might have been what you did because sometimes it was mixed.

And that was a fun little party. How did you, because if you've never done LSD, people listening, I don't think the kids really do it that much anymore. No, it's a shame. They really need to get back again. That's why there's short shorts and Birkenstock being worn by a whole generation of children. That's why the music sucks. Everything sucks. Yeah, everyone's doing acid.

Yeah, like. That's true. you do take a drug that scares you but also makes you realize everything is ridiculous. In one and yeah I think that you're not going to listen to Taylor Swift. No! Or wear sandals. No!

Because Hendricks and all those guys were doing LSD. That's why the music was fucking amazing. Hendricks was trying to put it in his headband so it would sweat into him. Like that guy and he just got bad. He's like, I should set my guitar on fire and play with my teeth. Absolutely. Great idea.

Sounds very safe, Jimmy. Yeah, it's an acid idea. Wait, so how did you, because when I would do acid, I couldn't even go to, like, the liquor store to buy a Gatorade because I was convinced that everybody knew I was frying because you look like you're frying. Yeah, you're bugged out. Yeah, your pupils are most of your eye.

You're like a cartoon character. I would usually find people to skip school with because I ended up going to high school for five years anyway, so I wasn't paying that much attention. But I would sit there and I'd, like, watch my teacher's face. melt and I just like giggle the whole time but it was kind of exciting because I'd go into a few classes just to like trip balls and sit there and just for the thrill of it and nobody was like hey this kid's on drugs oh no everybody in the room was like hey this kid's on drugs you're like it's

Detroit yeah yeah everybody the only time I ever got I got would get caught I was never using oh you were sober and they're like this guy's fucked up yeah like the one time My teacher stopped me. He's like, listen, Dave, you smell like marijuana. And I'm like, today? And they bring me down to the office. And he goes, all right, you need to empty your pockets. So I do.

There's like cigarettes. There's new ports and stuff. And he goes, all right, we got to go to your locker. Where's your locker? And I'm like, I don't know where my locker is. And so they have to look it up. And they walk to the locker. And they go, what's your combination?

And I'm like, why would I know what the combination? And I'm like, I'm not kidding. Like, I don't even have a backpack. I'm not. I'm not invested in this. Yeah. So then they open it up. There's just nothing in my locker.

It was just constantly whenever I got in trouble, I was always lucky in that moment. But I did get arrested a lot. For what? Mostly alcohol. Gosh, your parents sound like they really kept a good eye on you. Well, they couldn't. What was going on at home? My dad got Agent Orange.

Brain cancer from Vietnam. And the VA was like, we'll give you nine. nothing because that's the fair trade for a soldier. So they were paying out a pocket for my dad's brain surgery. So they were living in like Boston trying to like get my dad's brain surgery taken care of. And he ended up passing when I was 18, but he got sick when I was 13. So I was being watched by my grandma for a while who was like very old and crazy and I would steal her Vicodin. And another one of my aunts.

So I was kind of just like going out and doing whatever I wanted, dealing with the but being raised by just fun and going on the streets and taking whatever. I really didn't care about anything. No, it doesn't sound like it. Not at all. It doesn't sound like you had a plan for anything. No, nothing. You were very nihilistic.

I was very like, do everything horrible right until you get caught. Oh, yeah. So it was sort of, yeah, just white knuckling life up until something would happen. Fuck. Did you like your dad? Did you get along with him? Very well, yeah. Oh, I'm sorry.

Yeah, he was like our baseball coach. and everything. Shut up. Yeah, yeah. So you could have had a shot at like a normal existence. Oh yeah, for sure. It's just that he got sick and then... Yeah, we were pretty normal right up until he was sick.

Fuck. My mom was crazy and bipolar. She was, I loved her, but she was insane. Mine was too. Mine was schizo. Yeah. Not bipolar. I think a lot of people have that with their comics, I should say.

Oh, yeah. What's his name? Gay. Gay. Tim Dillon? Mm-hmm. Um. I decided to say it again.

Love Tim Dillon. Timmy Dilley, his mom. The cure painting behind you. Yeah. Yeah, that's pretty prevalent in our community. Mental illness is a big one. Wow. So about 400 hits of acid and how long of the time span?

1996 to about 2001. Oh, wow. That's a good run. It's not bad. And that's what I'm guessing. So 13 was the max in one day, and then I tripped for seven days, and that's when I stopped. So also people need to know this that when you're on acid, you don't sleep. No, that's why it was extra difficult.

I mean, seven days of sleep deprivation alone is difficult. Is rough. But when your face is melting off. I remember, like, getting out of the shower and looking in the mirror and thinking I had been in there for five minutes, but I think it had been hours. And then I thought my pores were opening and closing. And like red, it was turning red and like stuff was growing and then going back in like pimples. And I just was like staring at my face thinking that I was the worst.

Just even hearing you describe that gave me anxiety in the pit of my stomach from being that high and not wanting to be that high anymore. And there's nothing you can do with LSD. You just have to wait. That's the thing with. Nothing you can do. Yeah, with mushrooms, I could. drink a fifth or something. Calm down.

Yeah, do something. Like, I've heard you can take Valium, which I didn't know then. For acid? Yeah, but I don't know if that's true. No, because you're still seeing, the walls are still dripping. Right.

Because I worked at a pharmacy and I got a lot of free Valium. And I'm like, I'm pretty sure I took Valium on acid and it never helped. Nothing helps. No. You just kind of have to wait for whatever

is in that tiny little tablet that the CIA created to get someone's secrets. Yes. Yeah, it's not meant for a kid who's 14 going to school. No, and that's when I was doing it, like 14, 15. Right, unless they're training you to kill the president. I know.

Like the Manson clan. Dude, I know. It's a horrific, it's a rough one. We should have just done mushrooms looking back because you don't know what chemicals are in that stuff. No, it was. And who knows who made it? Dude, nobody, that's another thing. Where'd you get this?

Hate Street? Like anybody? Yeah, some guy in a park. Yeah, I'm also 14 in Detroit. I'm like, I'm sure this came from a good source and not some guy's bathtub who's just adding bleach to the recipe. Well, then there's those trips where you know you just took some gnarly shit. When you're, there's Stricknine rumors?

Strychnine. I've had strict nine and you just feel it coursing up and down your spinal cord and you're like, this is bad. This doesn't feel good. Did you do ecstasy? Yeah, same thing. And I got like a bad thing too. So I didn't really get into that in the 90s as much.

See, I didn't get into it as much either because of that same reason because of constantly getting like bad doses. Yeah. And it was like those double stack Batman's and stuff like that. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And one day I took one of those and I was at some guy's house. And in hindsight, he was in his 40s and we were all teenagers. So I think there's always that guy.

I think he was trying to have sex with us. You think so? Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. Maybe he just thought we were fun. Yeah, no, he's just got so much in common with you. Yeah, he just wanted us to paint decks for him with our shirts off. But that's... There was this creepy, like, there's always that one creepy guy that's hanging out with 15-year-olds.

Right. It's usually John Wayne Gasey kind of type where he's like, oh, I'm cool. I'll get you beer. I'm cool. Yeah, and there was this guy who drove a hearse in my community. He was 25. We were 15. And he was buying us bottles of Thunderbird. and night train. Oh, no. And getting, getting this loaded. I'm like, really? And now you're like, oh, my God.

You thought he was so cool. Oh, you think he's awesome. Really? I hope I'm like this guy when I'm 35, 45. That's my goal. Oh, my God, totally. That was so into him. Like, I'm going to be just like him.

That's how you do adulthood. I'm never going to let the party stop. And you're like, wait, he's on a registry for a once. Yeah. Fuck. Yeah, that's how this guy was. And I was at his history. house and I mean I got some weird dose and that's when you used to have to take the pacifier because

if there was speed in it you just start chewing your face off oh I should have done that yeah it's yeah it's probably good for babies our us stock during the ecstasy trade in the 90s for Detroit because everybody always had a pacifier on their train that's why they did that yeah it was because you just start chewing on your face from all the speed in the ecstasy and then remember you would hear stories about people drowning their brains because they drank too much water when they were thirsty on ecstasy. Yes, and that was the first time you saw a $15 bottles of water because they knew you needed it to live.

Dix. Fucking dicks, dude. But yeah, people actually did die from that. I think a woman died trying to win a PlayStation for her kid drinking water or something like that around that time. Not a fun time. I know. Isn't it? I fucking miss it.

I know. We should do more of those. I know. Well, I'm so sad that kids can't even really do drugs because of like fentanyl and they're like dying, just taking like fun drugs once. What? Why are you laughing, you fucking sick pervert? What, am I being like two mom? Why, it's true, right? It's sad. It's a sad time. We all want to do drugs and have fun. No, you should be able to do drug. It's your birthright as an American. to find clean drugs in your 20s and do them and experiment. And then you knock that shit off when you're an adult and you have good memories, good times. Now, do you think you learned anything valuable with all your time on acid?

I don't. Yeah, I do, actually. I think it's better that I did it than not. Let's hear it. I learned a lot about friendship. Like how your friends can take care of you when you're frying. Yeah, that's true, though. It is kind of fun, though, to have something.

with your friends and then knowing that group of people who actually do care about you. 100%. And all my friends who I used to trip with, if they're not dead, we're still very good friends. Yeah. So it's like, yeah, I think it was a cool time to be alive, to be honest, because it was music, fun, pre-cell phone. I mean, everything was slightly different. And I mean, I can't imagine, I still have, you know, like, thinking back to even the drug dealers, and the people you would buy from and learning how to read people and figure out situations and going places that would, because you ever look at like a 14-year-old now, 15? Oh, my God.

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you know, by your age, I was already fucking dancing with sailors and bars with my dad on a school night. Are you really? Of course. Oh, no is it. Okay. Yeah. Dancing of Frankie goes to Hollywood. Relax. It's a gay anthem about butt fucking and not coming too hard. I'm like, here I'm I am like dancing like nine years old on a school night. Yeah. Or going to like swingers places like club med. My dad would take me to those. They were like big swinger places. Yeah. In the 80s and stuff. Yeah. I mean, but thank God you do want them to have. But then again, they see porn apparently at like super young. Yeah, that's a big problem because like, do you remember how old you were when you first saw porn? I was young because my dad just had it laying around

everywhere so like early like eight seven or eight okay I was scarred pretty hard I was like you then oh really yeah it wasn't from my dad my neighbor had a laser disc player oh my god I remember yeah and his older brothers like come in here and I thought two women were sharing an ice cream cone and I was staring like why won't it melt and then I realized what it was and then something shot out and I went home like crying yeah and my dad's like I don't know what that was I've never heard of such thing. Just denying it. Just completely

dodge the question. That's how you do it. You stuff the feelings down and your kid does 400 hits of acid. Exactly. 14. Yeah, he was very much of that generation of like, I've never heard of that. Just let's not talk about it. I know.

And that's like, and then you get, you have kids and you realize like all it is is talking about it. That's literally the name of the game is like, just talk about it, talk about it. And then diffuse the bad feelings around it. Well, yeah, my son's 11. And we weren't, like, I didn't go out dancing or anything then, but we were smoking cigarettes and cigars behind my garage at my house. We were getting into trouble.

We were doing pranks. We were doing stuff that I'm, that he's, like, we would write letters to the liquor store. Like, I'm having a dinner party, so please sell my son two packs of black and milds. For this elegant dinner party that I'm having. What's black and mild? Black and milds. Black and milds, yeah.

Are those black cigarettes with the gold tips? There's the cigars with the filter, yeah, the real high class. You know, the kind of cigars you'd have at a dinner party of fine elegance. They're the most ghetto cigar. I know. That's so rad. So we'd go up to this place called Harper Dally and we'd walk up and with the letter and he'd be like, all right, here you go.

And just hand us whatever was in the clearly child's handwriting saying that we needed this for a dinner party. Dude, I used to buy cigarettes when I was 13. I would just walk in in a bikini top because I had tits already. Yeah. And like, go-go boots and a mini skirt. And he's like, sure, here you go. You look like you're 18. Yeah.

And he's not going to argue anyway because he's a creep. Of course. Just some fucking dirty Persian guy at the time to buy liquor store. Yes. Fucking eh. Good times. Good times. What can I play for you?

Hmm. When do you think, Josh? What can we do? You're a special one, I feel like. I'm up for anything. You're a good one. But you seem to have a good relationship with your dad, right? No?

Am I wrong? Oh, you're funny. How many female comics have a good relationship with their dads? Probably not many. No, baby, not many. I know, I'm kidding. No, it's a nightmare. Okay, here's this, though.

I thought this is pretty cool. What do you think of this? Oh They look like some kind of a monster It's the witch in Dune Yeah Like the original one The first Dune

Yeah Awaken the Sleeper Yes That's weird Oh my God Dude Ugh Not that one

That's from the movie Witches The Rolled Doll classic Yeah I know you're talking about Even the old Dune or the The first of the new dunes, the big fat guy, who's like inside of the tub.

I can't think of what his character's, yeah, he's like, I am dying. It's like, no, exactly who this is. Brer. Yeah. You're my monster. But then you have to think, because men, oh, yeah, there you go. There you go.

That's him. You know he uses a CPAP. You know, it uses a CPAP. I die when I sleep. I'm so fat The fatness pushes down on their lungs, yeah? Is that why you die? That's why I use one.

Do you have to? You're not fat? Well, I recently just lost weight, but I've only lost like 15, 20 pounds, but yeah, I have a snoring problem, apparently. Everybody does. That's what I think it is. I think it's just a trick to get everyone to wear one of these things. So hot. Yeah, it's really sexy.

Oh, it's so sexy. when you just put that on look at it it's like your whole face is paralyzed I'd rather die in my sleep than wear this I do not wear it anywhere else but in my home in bed

That's horrible Yeah it's the worst feeling in the world It's you have to make yourself Look like that Right before you go to bed Your wife loves you I don't I don't think she does

Because she made me get it She's like Like she would prefer I look like that Than snore It's like you could get earplugs And that would be way more convenient for me It doesn't work

Because Tom is a ripper too And I can he rips I can hear it Is he CPAP? Fuck no But he lost a bunch of weight So that does help Yeah

Since I've lost weight I guess I don't snore as much Hold on I want to share this with you Okay I feel like you would understand Okay I feel like because you and I are

Like David Lynch people Right. You're going to, I think this might be your sweet spot. Okay. Okay, here we go. I'm already in bed, y'all. I'm really tired and everything and all that. So I'm just going to call it a night and get some shut out and sleep and get some rest.

I just want to say good night to everybody. Right. It cuts off to it. This one was back. I'm gonna go here right now and if you, I'll probably be awake at Monon. She does all these videos like updating you on the banal existence

that she lives, but the irony is I'm fascinated and I'm into it. Yeah, I mean, it is interesting to see someone slowly live. You want to call it that? Slowly cease the day. Did you say cease the day?

I did. I see the day, I meant. But cease the day. She's ceasing her day. Yeah, that is a great Freudian slip. Yeah. Because she is ceasing her shit out of life, dude. Well, let's see what else she's into.

Oh, boy. She's great. I like that it looks like a crib. I guess getting ready for the weekend. She's getting ready for the weekend. She's getting ready for the weekend. I don't want to go outside. I mean, this could be a David Lynch character.

It looks like the rain might be going away. That's a David Lynch. Set. Literally, yeah. I'm surprised she's cleaning with her drugs. What a waste. And I will talk to y'all later. Y'all have a great day now. How much toilet paper are you expecting to use this weekend?

What are you? You having people over? I agree. It's such a waste of a high. Can I tell you like, I hate cleaning. I've always. hated cleaning. But some people love it. Like they'll come home from work and be like, I just clean the kitchen.

It felt so great. I feel organized. And you're like, what are you talking about? I would be a hoarder if I had my choice. Same. I'm a dirtbag. I'm the same way. Honestly, I throw stuff everywhere.

I'm not organized. I wish I could be. But I just, I'll try to be for a week and then it just goes sideways. My problem is, and maybe it's because I was raised like with a single dad. Like, I don't even see filth. I think because I'm so... And you were golf. Abused?

Yeah. That's just going to say. You're also going to sex clubs at nine dancing. I was so neglected and abused that, like, I don't even, it doesn't even register. Like, you should be a lady. Fuck. I get it, though. I think there's a good thing to that, though.

To be a pig? Well, yeah. But I have a housekeeper. So, like, my house isn't filthy because I have children. It has to stay orderly. Oh, yeah. Our house is clean because other people that live there want it that way. But if it was up to me, I would just keep a lot of things.

I would, it's good that I don't. Like my cars are clean, but that's it. And that's because I learned how to detail cars when I was 15. That's a fucking great skill to have. And that was, that's what I, and since I learned that, I've always taken care of my cars. Okay. Okay, Kray-ishan, this rapper came on our show a million years ago. And she's like, I want, I wanted to learn how to pay.

power wash because I'm like dude fucking detailing cars and power washing buildings those are like the two most satisfying things to have done in your life yep but you provide that service fucking robots can't do that right no they can't detail your car no not the way that you can not the way that you know how to get into everything that they can absolutely yeah it's the best I started doing it when I was 15 and it was the guy gave me 15 bucks an hour in 1997 to detail cars I go shirtless too. It was weird, yeah. He sat on my back the whole time.

How short were your shorts? Yeah, it was just his car every time just at his house. I'm really going to show you how to clean this. Every Saturday at one. So dark. It's wrong with us. It's so true. It's just sadly true.

Oh, fuck. Okay. So speaking of my neglectful upbringing, I have these things that I realize I can do as an adult that like I just didn't think about like for instance Tom and I for the longest time we would have like one phone charger in the house until we were like oh you can buy like two you can have like two you can have like two you can have like 10 phone chargers if you can afford it right yeah you just do whatever it's easiest if you got that kind of money yeah you got $100

you got 20 bucks um so they're called Pajitsky effects when you realize you've been living like a retarded hobo and you can actually like improve your life. Okay. Hello, mommies. I just wanted to ride in with my Pajitsky effect. I've been taking two showers most days for years. I bartend and I'm on my feet all day, covered in craft beer and ranch.

And this can be a nightmare at night with having wet hair and waiting for it to dry or go to sleep with wet hair and ruining my pillows. Girl, I feel you. Last week I realized I can shower and put my hair up and not get it wet. This has changed my nights and I feel completely free. Thank you guys.

Love the pot, Elizabeth. Well, Elizabeth, I recently too just had that epiphany because I'd be like, well, I have to wash my hair, and then I have to dry it. And like, you don't have to wash your hair. That's what dry shampoo is for. That's a good idea. I put mine in a bonnet.

I like a nice wave cap, and then I just go off to bed. It seems to worry. I learned it from recent travel in airports. It's very popular. The bonnet? The bonnet. There's no excuse for the bonnet. There's no excuse for the bonnet.

Or the pajamas. Pajamas and a bonnet is something. Cookie Monster pajamas means there will be a fight on your flight. It's going to be a nightmare. And I fly out of Detroit a lot. A lot of those. You know what's happening. Oh, yeah.

I miss spirit. It was always fun. I don't know what you're intimating, sir. No, nothing. What? I'm not. I'm saying of certain people. Certain people of certain distinctions.

Flu spirit and I enjoyed it. They don't have TVs in the seats. Here, was this guy on your spirit flight? Gay people songs, uh-uh. Hell no. You know the YMCA song? Yeah, what about it? It's for the gay people. Oh, shit, I ain't even know that.

That's how I'm looking up on YouTube. Yeah, damn, true. Yeah, I look it up. I saw it. I was like, I'm not a part of this. I never, ever listened to that song. Because the first time I liked that song when I was young. Yeah.

But right now, mm-mm. You don't like it? No, because I'm straight. So I like women like her right there. You like her? You all know. I know. Right there.

She's like, thank you. Oh, good. That's cool. The guy of the movie, radio's about likes me. Oh, the Cuba Getting Junior Classic. There he is. But then there are those songs like, I mean, because you and I are from a certain time where you didn't know the words to things. And like now, there's just a whole, all my songs, I just sing whatever nonsense I think it is.

And like, we all thought George Michael was straight. Don't forget that. Oh, yeah, we didn't realize that he would hide in bushes to blow men. We just, we thought he was an artist. Yeah. Well, he was. He was. A mouth artist and a musician.

But remember, they used to have, like, Liberace on late-night talk shows, and he'd be like, I just can't seem to find the right gal. What? It's my favorite clips. I just haven't found Mrs. Bright yet, Johnny. Well, you pull up Liberace, pretending to be straight. It's probably just put, like, Liberace's saying you can't find a woman on, like, late night. Because you couldn't just come out and be, like, I'm a big queer, gay.

I don't like. No, people just looked at them, and they were like, that. It's a man. And you're like, the guy, the guy who can barely ring the bell at WWE because there's so much, or WWF, because there's so much of fucking AIDS drifting through his body. Do you ever see where he's like giving the tour of his house? He's like, just, let me show you around. I better go get some cough syrup for some reason this won't go away.

Got a real flu this time. I don't know what it is. C-cell. Yes. And I said, fine. Give me a call. I'll let you in. You go in the living room and help yourself.

So I ordered some coffee for them. People thought this guy was straight. And they went to work. My mom had a crush on the living room. And it was morning. So I just got up. So the first thing I do when I get up in the morning, of course, go to the bathroom. No shit.

I think that everybody does that. Oh, I like you. No, I'm fine. when he's talking about you can't find a girlfriend like it's... Can you imagine your mom like somebody's dating this guy just brings this gay bedazzled vampire into the house

I'm dating your mom just playing the piano That would be so great Did you see the movie that he did with Matt Damon? I saw it in the worst way ever It was behind the candelabra The Steven Soderberg movie I was on a Delta flight

So it's he's doing amyl nitrate poppers getting railed by Matt Damon and there's like a kid in the like right here. Of course. And I'm looking at it and I'm like, do I turn it off because it seems homophobic if I do? But it's also, this is really uncomfortable because there's so much gay sex. So much gay sex. So much gay sex.

And they just, they don't take that out for the flight apparently. I know. Yeah, you're just. And it's just Michael Douglas doing poppers getting drilled. So good. It's so, I have to watch it again. And then there's that great scene where he gets his face lift too tight and he can't close his eyes when he sleeps. When he sleeps.

It's so funny. And he's so good. And this poor pool boy or like a, you know, guy who drives him essentially, he just tries to surgically make them all look like him so he can fuck himself. Yeah. It's so eerie. A younger version of Liberacee, you mean. Yeah. So Liberachi would have his lovers into, made into a younger version of him.

Of himself, yeah. That is so fucking gross. Wait, that's so crazy. It's so narcissistic and like another level of madness that you can't even comprehend it. Fuck, okay, but let me try to do it. Rob Lowe's great in that movie too. Oh, yeah. When he's just, his whole face is just destroyed from like the first they discovered Botox.

So it's just like poisoned and everything's just puffy. He's on the diet pills. And he just... Oh my God. He can't move his face at all. Fuck, it's so good. It's really a... It is a good movie.

I'm watching that tonight. I'm going to show my kids that movie behind the... Can you define it? Of him being like... Talking about being... He can't find the right woman. This might be it? He's talking about his love of soap operas, I think.

Oh, my God. Another Whirl. And... And... You know what they do? I think at L.A. Times, I guess papers all over the... country do it. At the end of the week, they actually print a synopsis of what's happened that week

in case people haven't seen it. Well, that's marvelous. I have got to meet some of these people. He's horrible. Oh, yeah. He's a horrible person. Oh, yeah. He's name-dropping on... And I was in New York, and I happened to be doing a little shopping, and I ran into her, and she gave me this big hello, like we've been friends all our lives, because she had heard that I watch the show. He would do that. He would say, like, I just happened to be in Paraguay, and I saw this

Bentley. And I thought all of you should see it. And he would just have them drive the Bentley out on stage, and he would make them clap for his, at the time, $80,000 car. No one in the audience could come close to affording. That's right. Yeah, he would just have all these things that were so ornate that no one else on earth could get him. It's crazy now as an adult. You're like, oh, he was a horrible person. Yeah, not a good guy. No, just like a horrible, garish, self-centered, like, sure. He's like, I'm going to make my lovers look like younger versions of me is the craziest thing I've probably ever heard.

It's up there. Fuck, but we're not gay. Like, maybe if you're gay. Maybe that's the end goal is you've been looking in the mirror every day. Like, I've got to find exactly this. Fuck, that's dark. Paul Lind was another one I love. Who was Paul Lind?

It sounds familiar, but I don't know that. He was on Bewitched. Oh. Center Square. Center Square, yeah. Oh, he was fantastic, too. Yes, he was very fantastic. I love this guy.

He's the best. Yeah, he was actually really funny. One of my favorite stories about him is there was a flight he was on in first class and this kid kept running in and out of first class. And people are on their way to Hollywood. And all of a sudden the curtain holds up and it's Paul Lind holding up its hodler. And he goes, if this kid running, up here one more time I'm gonna fuck it.

Amazing. It just made me like Paul Lind Moore somehow. Center Square, Paul Lind. God, remember that fucking Hollywood Square. I watched that every night with my mom, that and Chuck Woolery. Love Connection. It was like such a solid banging lineup of TV. It really was.

Yeah, it's like mindless, stupid entertainment. Just hours of that shit, just rotting your fucking brain. Yeah, they used. I used to play the reruns on the game show network and I loved it. Dad and like match game with Betty White. Hollywood Squares or Love Connection? Hollywood Squares. Yeah.

Well, it was so stupid. Like, is Paul Lind lying to you? Yes or no. It's just yes. And he'd always make some clearly like, I'm very gay innuendo joke was an answer to every one of the questions. So good, dude. Oh, I miss that. Have you watched Love Boat lately?

I haven't. Dude, it's so horny. You have to watch it now. And we're like, dude, they got away with this shit on, like, TV back in the day in the 80s. It's super horny. I've watched it back in the day. I haven't watched it recently, though. Give it a rewatch.

Like, once they brought on Ted McGinley, that's when you start knowing it's going to end. And I love him, though. Yeah. I just rewatched Revenge of the Nerds. Oh, yeah. Sadly, that guy, one guy just died. Which one? Don't you dare.

No. Yeah, Ogre just died. Yeah, bummer. Not Ted, though. No, he's still around, thank God. He always played the best villain. Yeah. He's always a douchebag.

I like some unmarried with children, too. Same. Great, great. He was always so good. Yeah, I had to watch this on YouTube because they discontinued showing it because it's so politically incorrect. It upsets so many people, I guess. Yeah, because they say it's pro. I mean, sure, it is. A little bit.

It's like 80s. Yeah, yeah. It's the crowd agreed at the time. Yeah, and you knew. You were like, yeah, right, this fucking happened. Yeah. Like he would have taken off the Vader costume. To fuck her?

Yeah, it would have felt like a different cock. Well, and he's going down on her, right? So like doesn't he lift up the mask and she doesn't look down? Ever. Ever? Or like notice that her boyfriend's cock is an entirely different. Right. And then by part three, they're married.

So is it. All these are excellent points. You see what I'm saying? No, I know. We need to sign a petition. Bring back revenge the nerds. They're really sure because it does upset a lot of people for that reason. They can cut it out.

Can't they just cut that shit out? Well, can't we just watch something and go, yeah, we don't have to agree that it's right, but you made it. You're done. It's just, we liked it at the time. I know. And we can still like it now and agree it wasn't good. Can I tell you my secret crush was on Booger? Did you like Booger?

I fucking loved Booger. Great voice. I loved him on American Dad, too. Oh, yeah. I didn't realize that. Yeah. I got to see Booger once at Gelson's in L.A. I was like beside myself.

Oh, yeah, there he is. He always pops into random movies as like a scientist or like a teacher. He's the best. Yeah, he's awesome. I thought I was looking at my mother's old douchebag, but that's back in Ohio. Fucking amazing. Yeah. What the fuck is a Frush?

He was probably my favorite part of that movie. The burping contest? Come on. Yeah, that was awesome. All right. Especially when you watch it as a kid. That's your favorite part. I mean, it still is.

Yeah, that is your favorite part as a kid. Plus he gives like that smile. It's actually their bugger best moments. Oh, yes. He gives that smell after. He's like, thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. I won. He looks like Stanhope. Yes, he does. He totally does. Bugger. They're the same person. So are you on TikTok?

I'm sure you love TikTok, right? I'm on it. Yeah, I don't put much up, but yeah. You got to get on the right side of TikTok. I feel like your algorithm is probably not tight like mine. That mine's probably not. Here you go. I like to show you.

showcase the marginalized communities on TikTok. So here we go. People that are underrepresented. Clank, putting down the pipe song. God. Is this who Johnny Depp was playing in blow? Oh my God, definitely. It's so good.

Oh, man. Yeah. He's got a good Danny Trejo look if he was never muscular. Fatty Treo. Yeah, Faddy Treo. He's just the Treos tacos. Oh, my God. Ten pounds of tacos and a five pound bag.

Look at his, it's so tight. I love the confidence, though. No, I always admire the confidence of these guys. And like the audio is not great because like is he dancing to the sound of the saws or is he dancing to the music in his heart? I think it's a bit of both. It's a bit of both. And then you're like, this is the jam. This reminds me of when I was young and watching heads be removed by the cartel in my hometown of Medelline.

Medelline. Medelline. Oh, God. Yeah, he's fucking rad. Yeah, this dude's pretty awesome. Definitely, yeah. Okay, here we go. He doesn't need a shirt.

I hope he doesn't own any. Oh, no. Are you kidding me? Yeah. No fucking way, dude. Why would you bother? Never. So waste closet space for your pants, for your tight pants?

And your cowboy boots. Yeah, and your chains? Do the chains? Hold on. Let's get a look at the chain. We got to get the whole outfit again. Such. The audio is so awful.

Stop. It really is a song. I can't make it stop. I want to die. Stop! Oh, no. Look at his mating dance, though. You just want...

Okay, beige. First of all, very hard to wear light-colored pants. Even if you're in the best possible shape. Very hard. Well, but he's in luck there. So, win-win. Tight pants. Snake skin boots.

And bro, the bravery of a belt under a belly. like that. Yeah. And no shirt? Because you're asking for that to pop over. Yo. And he's going a little too tight with it too. Of course. He's asking for extra belly. He's asking. He's inviting it along. Hello? Oh my God. And the medallion. What is the medallion? That's what I can't figure out.

I don't want to push play again. I'm afraid. Can you I don't want to hear that sound. I feel like he shaves different places on different days because the growth this not, there's not a pattern really. You're right, like his arms are kind of bare. He should have some on the top of the shoulders, yeah. And there's nothing there.

But his chest says, I wear a lot of open shirts. He's got great nipples, I will say. Yeah, they're not silver dollar or pancake feet. No, those are top-shaped nips. No, those are feeders. They are pleasant on the eyes. Why are we so taken with him? I, well, look at him.

I know. I think it's because he's breathtaking. Yeah, I'm taken. I'm taken. I'd like to bring him somewhere and introduce him as my friend. Hey, everybody, this is Javier. Of course. He's my mentor.

Duh. So last week, I asked you guys to help Jenny Nickel He-He-He on Instagram find a boyfriend, just so you know who we're referring to. Okay. I'm looking for a real man that can handle all of them. so if you're out there please look me up on my website because I can really need one

what's our website dude how do we not know she had a fucking website is she saying she needs a website or a dick oh I think she needs a dick she has a website oh okay that's right am I understanding that but she needs a dick okay she's been needing a dick and so she's on Instagram and the issue is that the men can't hand

handle all of her? Exactly. Thank you. See, like, you're finally, this is what I'm saying, and it's like, well, how much is there? Okay.

She seems pretty docile. Yeah. Can we, let's go look at some more of Jenny's videos. I'd like to see, yeah, if you can handle all this. I was single.

And I said, my friend called me the other day and asked me if I was single. And I said no. And I thought the call was dropped. It turned out it was, she was just praying for me my friend called me

I feel like I can handle her like I don't think she's that crazy right now like do you feel like you could handle Jenny I feel because of the the mobile ability she would be handleable right now it would be pretty easy I feel like unless you're

somebody who's enabling her to eventually have a wall cut out in the house it's a mover so you see fatness as being... Oh, no. I mean, it just depends on what you want to handle.

Some people want to handle that all day. So I don't see that that could be all you want to handle. So, I mean, clearly the personality's there. No, it's there.

She's charismatic as fuck. Oh, that's landed. Yeah, that's landed. I could listen to her all day. Same. Yeah. She's a storyteller. She's a storyteller.

She's gifted. She's got the gift of gab. Hold on. Let's see the one with the sunlight behind her. I feel like that's going to be a horny one. It's nice to see her outside. that's a male and he's the only thing that has spent overnight i need to change that

i have a damn i was hoping for that to be a little spicier and i'm a cat and he's been the night over he's my house husband my cat yeah that's uh it is sad when some a lot of these women do just have a male cat i do i've got two i love them i know i'm saying it's bad i'm not saying it's are bad. I'm saying when it's your husband. I know. When you dress it up and give it a man name. I love that shit. I know. I follow like Romanian ladies that do that on TikTok. I love that. And then they leave all

their money to their cat. Oh, I'm going to do that. Are you going to leave it all? Yeah. That would be fun. You should do that. Yeah. That really is a fun thing to see when everybody who sits like a billionaire die and then everything's left to mittens. It's so infuriating.

Can you imagine being that much of it? It's almost like making your younger partner have surgery to look like you. It's almost that bad. I don't know, but who did he leave it to? It's not like he had kids. Probably his boyfriend, husband, whoever he ended up. I wonder who he left his money. I don't know.

Some of them didn't have any money, a lot of people from that generation. Yeah. And they pretended they had a lot more than they did. Yeah. Like even Sammy Davis Jr., that guy, like the IRS, even took his eye out. at the end of his life

like his glass eye and all the rings off his fingers and they were like, now you can bury him. Fuck. All right, here we go. Oh, here's another general. I'm not just some disabled person you're abusing, Lisa. I'm the leader of the world and there's a nuclear attack being threatened by a major power. Yes, I know it's a big fucking deal.

Why do you want to make this about yourself again, Lisa? We're already over it. It's got to be nice to be killed by a guy who's dressed like Robin Will Williams and toys. What an absolute nightmare. I know. And Lisa. Lisa's getting it.

Lisa is. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. It's perfect. Horrifying, is it? Oh, my God. It's like if they cast Tom Waits to be in. Yeah.

Oh, wow. That was spot on, dude. Oh, thank you. Wow. Yeah, that's going to be a terrifying way to go if this guy shows up at your house. Fuck. Well, she's showing up at Lisa as if she's not careful. Oh, I think he's going to be.

gonna show up at Lisa. He's already there. She's dead already by the time this fucking shit airs. Yeah, he's definitely using this as an alibi video. Lisa's not here. Lisa, I don't know where she was. We should probably go and do a check on the house. The mail's pretty high over there. Where is all the good girls at? I need a good girl. So I share this so I can find me a good girl. I need a good girl. I see this as possible. I need somebody. Take care of my hair. I need somebody to wash my back.

Help me out. I'm a loyal man. Honest, hardworking, truthful. Stop unwrapping your candy. You're close to the microphone. Is he on a pirate ship? That's the thing, though. I think he's a pirate.

I can never tell if you're a biker, a pirate, or just a gypsy who sells turquoise products at a state fair. be like I got a better chance to find a goddamn unicorn. God. We got it. We got it. Shut the.

Old man needs a milk. Okay, okay. I can't. I can't look. No, no, stop talking. So he does have a parrot. Of course he does. To answer a question,

gypsy pirate, or what was the other one? Just one of those, yeah, well, a gypsy that sells turquoise products at the state fair, or biker.

I'm going to rule out biker because he's got the parrot. I'm thinking there's no chance, yeah. He's definitely, I'm going with pirate or gypsy. Hmm. Mm. Either way, I bet that beard smells terrific. Terrific.

Yeah, you really want that on you. I can smell it. I'm going to go with Marl. No, not Marlbrose. What's his brand? Probably American Spirit. He can't afford American Spirit. Are they pricier now?

Well, they're like organic. Aren't they? Oh. Merits? No, he smokes generic. What is the, yeah, what's like a downgrade? What's a shit cigarette, you guys? I can't remember anymore.

I haven't smoked in... Oh, I just started it again. 13 years. Oh. Yeah. You've done 400 hits of acid. Yeah, it's hard to not smoke on acid, though. Well, it's the only thing you can do.

It's so fun. Yeah, that's for sure. You want to do acid just one more time? Maybe. It just kills us both. Truly the 10 worst cigarettes in existence 10th place Maverick Green Oh I remember Mavericks

They would put them next to the Newports And you'd be like oh these are only These are a dollar less I'll try them American spirit Brown sure Lucky Strike Oh Lucky Strike no filters Fucking hated Lucky Strikes

I did too The only time they saved me that was I was smoking a joint in my yard My mom came out And I was like what It's a lucky strike and I had a pack of Lucky Strike on me. Nice. Very. They saved me. Paul Mall sucks. That's definitely what he smokes.

That's a lunch lady cigarette. That sucks. Marlboro Midnight. That's disgusting. I've never even heard of that. USA Silver. Never heard of that. Pyramid. All of them. I don't even know what pyramids are. Old gold gold? What in the fuck? I've never even heard of it. American Spirit Orange sounds disgusting in every way imaginable.

I know. I mean, number one, Marlboro Edge. It's so wow. came out with all these dumb subcategories of these brands like really it's marlborough you know edging yeah we smoke until you almost come it's pretty good enjoy enjoy our marlborough edging it's like when they were creating all the different sodas it's why the pack is blue it's how it leaves your balls you put the cigarette out in your cock yeah it's the only way it goes out or there's a forest fire you have no choice it's a special chemical design. You have to put the cigarette out in the head of your cock. Yeah, it must be put out in your urethro or there will be a palisades fire. It's up to you.

So amazing. Marlbro Edge. Marlbro Edge. Yeah, brought to you by the guitarist from you too. Is it just such a gay name for a cigarette? Yeah. Marlbrough Edge. Like, come on. I always love the, You had them in Canada. The pictures where it's just the pregnant woman with the cigarette or just be like the dead fetus. Yeah. And they're like, yeah, could I just get a pack of the... Oh, it. Who cares?

Yeah, can just take the dead child on the pack of cigarettes, please? I don't know what brand that is, but I just need some cigarettes. Because when you're a smoker, like when you're really a smoker, they can tell you whatever it is and you don't give a fuck. No, it's like... Pictures of rotten lungs, I think, in the UK, I think. Oh, yeah, that was there too, yeah. like, all right.

Well, it's the same as alcohol. Like, you could put the bloodiest car accident on a fifth and you still drink it. It's not going to slow you down. I know. They really need to. I think your idea of putting cigarettes out in your cock is the only deterrent that will actually work. That's true. If we were able to make that happen.

You got to put this cigarette out in your twat. And you can even say, like, look, guys. Yeah, it's... Mashing it into your vagina. You can totally smoke indoors again, just nobody's doing it. There's just two screaming people at a table. Putting a cigarette out in my snatch. It's the fucking most volatile thing I do.

You're smoking it all classy like a film noir, and then the next minute you're just... Oh, gosh. Mashing me in my pussy. I'm really trying to build a callus, so this doesn't... It doesn't hurt as much. But it just, it hurts, it still hurts. A lot of nerves. It's got to hurt every time.

I've got no pubic hair left. What are you smoking? Marlboro Edge. You know, the blue pack that you have to put out in your snatch. Delightful. Delightful. Marlboro Edge. Living on the edge.

Oh, fuck. All right. Let's keep going. You know he smells like Marlboro Edge. He smells, he's edging, yep. Oh, he's edging. He's so gross. That's what that rapper is.

I hate it. The 10 minutes of wrapping his. It's just his cock. It's just his piercing. Stop, I'm gonna puke. It's Prince Albert. I can't. I can't.

You got to work hard and you've got to pamper yourself, even as a man. So a few eyebrows, a bit of air dye, a little bit of Botox. You're away. Ready for the. I don't know these weekends. What do you think? It's good, right? I can't tell that he has anything.

Looks made, it's natural, very natural, wholesome look. Yeah, it doesn't look at all like chaplain. The grease paint? Is that what they used back in the 1920s? Yeah, bro. That's what he calls, treating himself. No. It's walking around with that face.

Like, what do you think? Little bit of Botox. You think it's good. they'll be Botox people can't tell I'm so drunk His face is so red too Oh yeah Boos bag

Big booze belly booze It just looks like he's ironed Yeah Yeah He just burned his face Yeah Yeah Burrnd

And then just Like he like the top half Was in a fire Oh fuck And then he just drew on what he thought Like he went into a Latina community And was like Is this what eyebrows are

and match them. Well, you know, when you get your eyebrows dyed, you're supposed to wash the dye off. He does not know that. Yeah, you don't just leave it on and go to the mall. You don't wash it off and then it leaves. You don't run to a tattoo parlor and make sure it stays on forever.

You got to pamper yourself. You're like to have yourself. Mate. Can you make me look angry? A little bit of Botoc. God. I get discount Botox, Group home. Dude, people really do that shit.

They do. That's what I can't figure out why you would save money on your face. You're like, you know where I'm going to cut corners the way I look the rest of my life? That's where I'm going to take my chances. Bro, you're telling me. No way, Jose. No, thanks. No, all right, let's do this guy.

So once I started doing innemas with chlorine dioxide, my addiction, went all the way away. My ex-wife, months after I started doing the enumas, said to me, you haven't watched porn in months. And I was like, oh, shit, I haven't. Wow. Wow. Wow.

The taste just went all the way away because the physical trauma was out of the body. You get the chain of logic here? Yeah, I'm following every word of it. You put chlorine in your ass. Right. And then it... It cleanses you. It squirts out the trauma that made you watch a ton of porn.

Which makes sense. Which is why this guy who wrote the song, Johnny, Be Good, put shit cameras in all of his chicken restaurants. Doesn't he look like? He can't figure his name. He does. What's his name? Chuck Berry? Chuck Berry also, didn't he piss on like 14-year-olds? Oh, you bet.

Yeah. You bet. Oh, you betcha. Yeah. Oh, bitch. Yeah. Yeah, Steve's son of a Gunderson. Yeah.

What cool guys. Yeah, he would put, yeah, he put feces cameras in all of his restaurants. Cool. Yeah, Chuck Berry. Wow. Strange guy. Not just a musician. No.

But an artist. Talent. Yes. So the cameras would be in the toilet. So you would see assholes birthing poo or? I think it was that or they may have been above. It was really before people knew a lot about the shit fetish. but Chuck Barry was a bit ahead of his time.

Bro, that's one I can't. I mean, I can't even wrap my brain around that one. Yeah, I really can't. I mean, I can't say I would jam chlorine up my ass to cure porn addiction. I've tried many things. All right, here we go. In the 80s, whatever, Rock and Roll, Chuck Barry was embroiled in a major scandal when he was sued for secretly installing hidden cameras

in the women's restrooms and private areas. Jesus Christ of the Southern Air Restaurant and Barry Park estate in Missouri. That's horrific. Yeah, and you know he made the food greasy. Oh, yeah. Where he's like, I need this stuff to really make people need to go here. You want this shit to happen immediately. I need it.

Why are there 19 stalls in the women's room? Don't worry about it. It's fine. Just put them in. Oh, my God. I never understood that kink. Like, you want to watch girls shitting? No.

I'm not from Germany I but that seems like the most disgusting thing imaginable where no I get like you want to see girls naked maybe like you put them in the showers of like a gym which would be clean but the toilet but shitting seems like the thing you wouldn't want to see it all on anybody I don't even understand eating ass let alone shitting thank you but I feel like now it's we're considered you know the weirdos because we're like I don't want to lick an ass I don't want anything in my asshole.

I don't want anything in my butt. I don't think we should share restaurant dishes with people that eat ass. I think we should have separate drinking fountains again for the people who do and don't eat ass. A hundred percent. Bring it back. Yeah, you wonder how COVID gets around in this stuff? We're seeing more disease than ever. Yep.

And it's because people are jamming their tongues into strangers' asses. Absolutely. We should have separate restaurant entrances even, like separate eating areas. Yeah. Yeah, when people walk in, they should be like, do you want ass or not? Thank you. And then we know that this is someone who eats ass and they will get the silverware that's touched the floor. That's right.

I just think it's not that I don't love a woman's ass, but I don't see the point of feasting on it like a psychopath. Okay, hold on. I've got some... Go ahead, Bubba. It's a very David Lynch one for you. Oh, fuck. Switch teeth. Switch teeth. Tornado. Now is that nightmare, Bubba.

Was that Hugh Jackman? No, absolutely. He's yelling Swiss cheese. He was just asking his mom for some. Again, like, I wonder, these are just what, these are like Comic-Con dorks, right? These are like nerds. I wouldn't call him that, but you do you.

But does this attract the female nerds? Or does, like, who is he impressing with this? Is it other nerd dudes? Or is it the female nerds? I think whoever's going to. join him in shooting up the school. For sure. It's more of that sort of a mating call.

That's just to join his cult. Yeah, I can't imagine it's somebody. I don't, well, maybe the woman from earlier who's looking for a man to spend the night. Oh, Jenny? And she would be protected if he brings his claws and mask. You know what? I didn't even think about that. Yeah.

And now I feel bad because you're right. He would totally protect me. He would. He'd probably be sued. Super grateful. Yep. That, like, a lady's even talking to him. Yeah, he would.

He'd be happy to be there. And she likes claws. She's got a cat. That's true. So he's got claws to protect her. That's true. Dude, we're just, like, making all kinds of connections. See, we're pretty good at this.

Okay, hold on. And you saw his moves. I mean, they were good. No. No, you're sweet. Hold on. Let's close on this one. It's pretty sweet.

I'm kind of washing. We may remember. Oh, yeah, it's so good. How? Stay clean. Stay clean. Stay clean. What is that?

Laura Palmer. You, well, see, me. Fuck. Washing dick first, so it just drips down to your face. And asshole. Don't forget. Because you want that to be the part that gets the most soap. Yep.

And the remainder and the residue just hits your chin and eyes. Yep. Your eyes importantly, so you get that pink eye run off. Yeah, that's what you're asshole. That's what you need. That's what you need. And also, like, how strong is his right arm to hold him up like that? That's pretty amazing.

He's definitely right-handed and spends a lot of time alone. I think he's got a lot of balance on that side, doesn't he? That's amazing. You're going to wash in your rainbow. Lashing your rainbow. I'm going to mind in your rainbow. I'm here if these people do have friends that see this video. I hope so.

And just go, Jerry, what's up, man? Like, is this real? Something you do? Of course. He's like, yeah, what? You don't take headstand showers? Well, and also, Jerry is a human who probably has a job. He's like a bus driver or he, like, does something at your kids school.

Yeah, he's a janitor. He's definitely something way too close to children. and all of them. Yeah. He wears drag and reads at the library. Oh, you fucking dick. Of course. He's totally, totally.

He's a librarian. Oh, fuck off. I guarantee you he's absolutely one. With kids. Yeah. Cool. Guys, Dave's book, Party of One. Listen to his podcast, Stu and Dave do America.

That sounds fun. Yeah, we just kind of do this. Yeah. Yeah, these things. What better is there? There's nothing matter. And then, where are you performing? you want people to see you coming up um you can go to dave landau.com i got a whole bunch of dates through

the end of the year amazing um buy my lipstick today i'm wearing cuts you up this is the liquid lipstick at last for fucking hours and then um go to christina p.com oh september 18th and 19th i'm um in chicago chicago illinois at the den theater october ninth and 10th short lake titty's Puta at Wise Guys. And then I'm doing Skank Fest this year for the first time, November 14th, 13th and 14th. I'll be there too. Shut off. Yeah, I'll be there too.

Yeah, it's going to be awesome. Yeah, it's really fun. Dude, I've never done it. I've done it. I have. It's great. I have a special coming out with them too with gas digital and half hours coming out soon. Cool.

Yeah. Well, I'm stoked. I think you're going to really enjoy it. It's a lot of fun. Well, if I enjoy these videos as much as I enjoy, hopefully I'll enjoy SkangFest. A lot of these people look like people. that attends Skake Fest. Fucking great.

And I mean that out of love. Clearly. All right. Well, thank you for being here, Dave. You're the best. Thank you. Come back again, okay? I'd love to.

Okay. Bye, meows. Hi, my meow. Oh, the fuck is this? It's me, purple hair girl from the chair. I was the one... My cell phone came that time, remember? Oh, hell yeah, man.

What up this? I remember you. You were flicking your bean on the couch. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember you. I don't have time to talk. Listen, where are you at? Um, I'm just home here now.

Hold up though. Where are you calling from? I'm stuck way down in the mountain. I need you to come get me. Yeah, I could do that. I'm looking at, um, 8 o'clock, 815. Fuck, you're doing good. Thank you so much.

You're literally saving my life. Bam, say no more. I am on the way, bitch. Awesome. Piss on me, beat me. You're the coolest for this. No, you are. You are the coolest.

Cool girls for life. We about a year. So, woo. them all self. Blin down into the mountain, we're rolling. Anderson Cooper took my sister, now we gotta expose him. If you're a Hufflepaw. Do not piss me off.

Just keep on scrolling. I ain't impressed by Crown molding. Show me that dick that you holding. Tit-toe. I'm a fucking walking mermaid, bitch. I dip my nuggets in the doo-doo. Guess what? I'm loving it.

I drink moose soup. One hundredly, specifically delicious. Story time. Uh, how you say? I'm not a racist. Start up. I rank a member of the cuckoo girls. Fuck.

I shout out Mistress Kau. Why when I'm stiff in parks out of bucks Tattoo my brown ice cream, some big words And I married my son Spitting them tongues and shit Cause I'm a fucking blasting blood Cuts in a hoonan'na in the book of do blood That's what we do.

You do you do? Do not do you? And yes, my eyes are tattooed. Funny story. Big Perry in the jail. Tick-Tock what he do. Do you ever worry that you're all worded And no one's telling you?

I'm a reckless eyeball and ho. Just how I was made up. Selling a necklace made of moosterds out the back of my trunk. All right, I'm solesless enough. You'll never. Never make potter come. If you ain't licking the scrum, honey, you ain't tricking no one.

Clown check. Avercadabra. Boon Shop today. What I see his face. Identify as a threat, a nightmare. And my pronoun is your grace. I recommend a freezing scene. Even though my health ain't improving.

But I bet you're low and loose. Holes ain't hardcore enough to do it. Nature's free multi-vitamin. Why the fuck what I'm literally. He wants to lick. Get up on this ass. Put it in your mouth and lick it like glass. I know you love me

I know you want to lick Get up all in sex Put it in your mouth and lick it like glass Who the fuck you've been let in sample your energetic template A spirit working star C channeler hybrid astroquette Hurry up a boy take your bike You better not touch me bitch Motherfuckers, you need to restock the hot cocoa

When you're done with it Some caffeine take a hammock shit Pop the vasectomy stitch Now I'm straight polybide by with vocal frightensize Tethered dip that shit in I said watch it decay in a road with weathered I did it chined up the F-Ever F-Y G's Cherokee I'm not native at all so I look funny crush you got any coming those bulls I'm coming on bottom

He wants to lick get up on this ass Put it in your mouth and lick it like glass I know You want to lick get up on this ass Put it in your mouth and lick it like glass Please follow my pee Dirty! Get your passenger.

Feel like I'm going to die. What gets rid of hard barry? Fuck what you heard. I'm a Bzilla. Michael get in there first. Fuck my stoma. Go free no-cho-moser chomas, though. I'm blowing Cincinnati parts at every goddamn place that'll go.

I'm not a teen. We're latch-k and we beefing and queen being. And now I'm seeing them genes seem and he's screaming because I hydrate like a pissed dean. Do you up that. Did I stutter? If you're a bully thief-a-cress with mustard. Purple-haired girl got you covered. This is the cult girls club within the house of your mother.

I saw her mom's last night just to visit it. And Cheryl jumped over the kitchen counter at me flying like Hussein boat in a fighting suit. I don't know why the bitch has always been jealous of me. So she run to the phone like the bitch-made counter always does. And I said, you better call up her law in Sequoia County this time, bitch, because you're going to need help, prizing my fingers from around your fucking dick-sucking throat. So I ended up arrested in jail. But I'm out this morning, Cheryl, and I can still see that's right.

She did swell as shit, bitch. And I'm coming over here today. And I'm going to do the two-step in the cow. Boy, Bucky, there's a mud hole in your fucking ass.