Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - Vagabond Vacations | Your Mom's House Ep. 740

Episode Date: January 3, 2024

Welcome back to the Mommy Dome with Tom Segura and Christina P! It's a new year, same jeans as we begin with a clip of a very unique fashion model before a heated discussion about Metamucil gets underway. Tim and Christine then learn how men using straws is very "unbecoming", revisit some vintage Disney adults, and go down a rabbit hole of hatred courtesy of the comments section of internet barista Caitlin Campbell's Instagram page. We then take a trip to Nigeria and Turkmenistan with a courageously dumb tourist and get some insight on world travel from Chad in the booth. Next on the show we have a HUGE batch of upsetting TikToks curated by THE Christina P which includes a man with period cramps, a guy with tattooed eyeballs, a disruptive gospel singer, a tongue piercing, and a very talented sommelier. We then wrap up with a very special and very cool animated show inspired by the cool guys from YMH! Enjoy! https://tomsegura.com/tour https://christinaponline.com/tour-dates https://store.ymhstudios.com/ https://www.reddit.com/r/yourmomshousepodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You're a normal guy like you, but then one extremely aggressive. You know, I couldn't decide on a tattoo. I get my eyeball. So I'm upset with you. Why? Because you should have given me my Meta Muscle this morning. It's just like the gate. Yeah. Yeah. True. Zola, you're not a homophobic. Do you use a straw? Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. Welcome to another episode of your mom's house. Nappy, do you hear?

Nappy, do you hear? It's a brand new year, it's 2020 4. Do you even, when you were a kid, imagine you would be alive in 2024? It's a brand new year. It's all 12 or four. Do two two zero two four. Did you even when you were a kid, imagine you would be alive in 2024? No, it is very satanic. It is. This year is the most satanic of the years. It is a very satanic year. I never thought I'd live this long.

No. We know his little girls like junior. Not only that when I met you, I didn't think you'd live this long. Here we are. here we are. And here we are. Here we are. Uh, do you have any Juniors Resilolutions? Um, I guess learn Japanese and, Yeah, I'm congee.

You know, keep the fitness stuff going. I think we're fitness chains now. Yeah. Prioritize health. Sure. Family, friends, and a lot of spud tolob abroad. That sounds so G-A-Y. I know it is. That thing is, I just, I love hanging out with my frauds.

Oh, but can I tell you that the older I get, the more I do value, the ones that I've had for, like, since I was like 13, I'm so lucky I've got. Relationships, or what you value, for sure, since I was like 13, I'm so lucky I've got. Relationships are what you value. For sure, that's smart, I think. Smart? I don't know what that is. Well, you just realize that that's really what life is. It's just a series of relationships you've developed, you know?

That's what, that's what life ends up being. You just blew my mom, bro, you're right. It's your relationship to everything in the world and people. The world and people, yeah. You don't exist in a vacuum, Tom, as much as I like to think I do, I don't. And if you isolate and you live alone and you don't have friends,

you're kind of missing the point of. Or having kind of a cool life. Mm, I don't think it's that cool actually. Well, I will say this. Sometimes I- Well, if you're talking about like monk level shit, but- Yes, okay. And can I be honest with you?

Yeah. Maybe Frank. Sure. Sometimes I wish I could isolate and just go into my... what is it for a woman of barricade as well and not do the things I have to do all the time. And my therapist is like yeah but you get bored soon. I'm like I don't feel like I want. I think you about. You don't ever have fantasies about just blowing it all up and- Oh fuck yeah!

You know what it would be? Real talk? Yeah. My friend Shana, they went to Scotland and they stayed in these artists colony times. She said there was a legit hermit that lived on property and I was like, that's kind of cool. No, that is kind of cool. And I think everybody has moments of those fantasies. I think for me, yeah, it's like often a village in Italy or something. Oh, in Italy? Italy? Do I think you're up the way Western Europe?

Yeah, and then you guys, you know, you're on a boat kind of going away. And you go. Hey, Dad. Hey, kids. I will see you in a couple decades, all the best. Yeah, and then you guys just kind of, you know. Yeah. But then I live in this small village.

It's not for like anything exciting. Sorting, yeah. Yeah, but I, you know, I just, I go to the market and I get my tomatoes. I would love to do this fantasy with you I but I would do it in Italy as well maybe in Greece on one of these islands Yeah, people live to be like a 200 years old I'm so healthy. That's always the goal. Yeah

No, I would do that. Can I do that with you? How about we get houses? Can I tell you something? Yeah? Katakhti was second. Yeah, I'm a I became obsessed with Helen a bonham Carter Mm-hmm. The actress and actress and I became obsessed with how and a bonham Carter, the actress, and the actress. And she, when she was married to Tim Burton, she lives in Alksfordshire. And she has a nice house there that her family grew up and Tim Burton bought the house next door. So they have houses and they built a bridge

between the two of them, so they had children together and they could just kinda go. And it was like his and her house and her house was decorated like Alice and Wonderland, she likes that. And then his was like wacky timber and shit, you know, like skulls or whatever, fuck he's into.

Yeah. I'm just saying, I'm just throwing it out there as a possibility. Does he still live there? They divorced. I don't think he does. That was how they lived when they were married. They were never married.

So they just- Well, when they were together. Yeah, and they had two children. They had separate houses? Yeah, eventually they moved into several houses. Okay. Yeah, she, she was just like, look, I don't like his decor. He doesn't like mine. They're artists, bro. They're artists. That's what artists do. That's what they do. Fartists. Yeah. Fuck you, too, bitch. Wow. You don't want to do that.

You don't want to do that? It's a separate house. It sounds fun. It would be great. Yeah, it sounds fun. What's your decor? It's not wacky like with those guys. No, I just like more classic clean. I have a feeling if left to your own devices, everything would be like a hotel lobby, like

beige, khaki and beige. Oh, they're laughing. Because it's true. I'd love to be a hacker or, like beige, khaki and beige. Oh, they're laughing. Because it's true. That's a lucky accurate or something. Yeah, like very, you're laughing so hard. Very neutral and like no flavor.

Like cream of wheat. That's your palate is just like no feelings, empty, empty. I don't think that's accurate. I think it is. I don't think it is. I'm the one that buys art. I have a art collection. Yeah, it's ironic.

And you know what's really ironic about me? If I may disclose to the audience, sure. You like this is the weirdest part. So his palette is cream of wheat. But then he will buy the most outlandish, bright, vibrant art. So then that is like hold hold on, like primary colors. You're like, did a fucking two year old do this? No, no, it's like a really well-known, you know,

you know, they do these things to rich people. They have you going to gallery and they're like, oh, the guy that painted this has one foot and he painted it with his foot and then you're like, really, you're the check. And that's, they love to tell rich people these sob stories and then you guys, you know, I'll be by all means, you guys, I'll be stuff. Anyway, they love to tell rich people these sob stories and then you guys, you know, you buy all this, you guys, all this stuff.

Anyway, you love vibrant pieces. So they're very weird. So how am I khaki as a palette if I like vibrant pieces? Look at us today. But I mean, khaki crazy. They throw on a t-shirt. What's your problem? It's beige.

They're beige. Cream, beige. This is this will, it's not so much. I know what your palette, but your thing is, it would just be gay and retarded. Oh my God. That would be the way I would describe your decor.

A thousand percent. But I believe our home reflects that sensibility. Well, I have a lot of wacky shit in our house. Yeah, but my shit's nice. I have, it is nice. And I have, by the way, I'll just say this about myself. Yeah. I have great taste.

You do. I have impeccable taste. Much better than me. And I've felt, look what I'm wearing today. Yeah. This is, this is, this is looks like a whole new person. It's like she comes. Yeah, it's terrible.

And you know what they do? They get these rich broads that walk into places and they go, hey, this is what's cool. It looks like somebody fucking ripped apart. 100%. A goddamn blanket and put buttons on it. Guilty. The fucking checks like, oh, this is what's cool. It looks like somebody fucking ripped apart. 100%. God damn blanket and put buttons on it. Guilty. The fucking checks like,

oh, this is what's cool. You know who I am? Do you remember that show? Absolutely fabulous. Yeah. Yes. Yes. Yes. A Britcom character.

I am those, and they're, they're all wearing like these awful design. Yes. I'm 100% that awful mid-life crisis. I'm so excited. I'm so excited about this show. Oh, okay. Because there's so many.

I'm never having to find the show. We are, but I have a more fun idea than I had. Okay, these go ahead. My ideas are more exciting than this conversation. All right, go, go. All right, let's just start the shop. I want to shout out Haines for this advertisement. I appreciate Haines trying to be inclusive and included everybody.

But I don't know if this nigga made out of chocolate chips, but it's just a skin and condition. I'm going to be scared. I get it. But I want to put this nigga in the oven on 350 and set him on side for Santa Claus He does like delicious. Oh. What, what, what, what. I didn't do it yet today.

What? Number two. Oh it yet today. What? Number two. Oh, fuck. Are you crazy? You gonna f-. Brow, it's on you. This. We'll do it after.

Is it here? No. We'll get some in the studio. Tell him what you're upset with me for. Tell him. Tell him. I want to shout on Haines. Hahaha.

Hahaha. It does look delicious. It's not a piece of cake. Hahaha. I want to put this nigga in the oven. Hahaha. Just listen to the show. It's okay, Dan.

No, it's so funny. It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a black gentleman, I believe, with Vidal Lago of some sort. So he's got like dark spots on like, all it looks like, it looks like crazy, a man of freckles. It looks like crazy. Like crazy. It looks like, yeah, it looks like somebody sprayed him with diarrhea.

Yeah. And he's got a fucking model. That's so indicative of this year. Like 20 years ago, this guy was like, can I model? Are you insane? Of course not. You look at you. And now they're like, yeah, you're going to be on the fucking

other poster. You're beautiful. Crazy. It is, I'll tell you, to their defense, it is interesting to look at. And it definitely got my attention, but I'd be like, what the fuck are they advertising? Like is this a skin product?

It's crazy. That's all I'm seeing is like the oddity of the skin. Of course, and that's what everybody, no one walks by is like, I gotta get those boxers. No, it doesn't make me hit boxers. They're all just like, what's going on with this guy? Yeah, like remember when a marquee mark would be like the ad guy for Calvin Klein

or actually a hot heat check. Yeah, totally jacked in his underwear as a big dong and you're like, whoa. And that was the point, that used to be the point of advertising to make you want to be like the person that's wearing his product. With Victoria's secret thing.

Yeah, well, they're back. They're back, but it used to be like, look at these super hot chicks in Maulashire. And so women would walk by and be like, oh, I need to look like that. Did you want to look hot, dress like clothes? I actually walked by and tugged their jays. Oh, wait.

Just kind of tugging on their d's and be like, oh, God. And then, you know, you're selling, you just walk by the store and you tug your dick in the mall. Yeah, everybody does that. That's not true. Victoria Secret, we used to all go in there and jack off, yeah.

Yeah. Ask any guy if he's ever jacked off into Victoria Secret. It's just common. Is this like the poo pile? It's very common. And then Victoria Secret did that pivot where they were like, no, are you fucking 275? You should wear our stuff and they put them in abs.

Yeah. Special needs. No, like everybody wears lingerie and everybody was like, oh, that's nice. Really might, but no one wants to see it. Yeah, no one wants to see that. I don't want to see it. And then it changed.

Well, the good news is this guy's still fit. At least he's in good shape. Yeah, in good shape. That's nice. He seems very friendly. He's got a good attitude. Yeah. He's not bond about the skin, Sitch.

That's cool. I feel like he would go to like, you know, an audition with his portfolio and they'd be like, what? And then he goes, I was the Haynes guy. And they see it and they're like, oh my god, this is seriously? Yeah, that's how it is now.

It's really cool. 24. 22. 24. So I'm upset with you. Why? Because you should have given me my Meta Muscle this morning, because it was a game changer.

Thank you. We got to discuss this with the audience. I really people are aware. So I was having constipation because of my Pyramenopausalness, and then I would take laxatives, blow my ass all out. It was a horrible cycle every month. And then I, Dr.xatives, blow my ass, haul out. It was like a horrible cycle every month. And then I, Dr. Drew, about four years ago

was like, you need to take metamusel everyday. I did, you waited four years to tell me. I'm a fucking idiot, anyway. After this last bout of laxatives and constipation, I started drinking metamusel every day and it has transformed my browns. It has made them girthy, they slide right out, and just the best.

And then I got you on the medallion soul. Well, that's the thing is I was like, oh, my stomach's a mess, it's always trying to figure out like what to stay away from food wise and I'm like, damn it. And I told you yesterday, I was like, ah, fuck, my stomach's wrecked today. And you were like, man, you know.

So you made me, you put something in it. I love how you hear my voice. Do it again. Okay, okay, okay. Why don't you try something new thing? So I had a glass, it really wasn't that bad. No, it tastes good. It's like an orange surprise.

That's when, you know, that was in the morning and when I got home from the shoot yesterday, magic count. Magic count. And it was nice. Well, was it on the shoot yesterday, magic count. And it was nice. Well, the Bristol Stool Chart, what number was it? It was like a four. It was like right down the middle. Let's refresh the audience about the Bristol Stool Chart.

It's been a long time. It's, by the way, it became very popular to cite the Bristol Stool Chart after we talked about it. Then all the talk shows started doing it. We did it first. We started it. Oh my God. Yeah. So I get type fours with metamusel. You guys have to start drinking this. Three and fours where you want to be. And that's what I have when I got home. Yeah. Earlier in the day. Yeah. Earlier in the day, I was having like five and sixes. Yeah. Soft blobs with clear cut edges.

Yeah, terrible. And sixes. Mushy consistency with ragged edges. You had mild diarrhea. Yeah. Oh, look, lacking fiber, fiber. This is a British one. Yeah.

So that's what it is. The muscle firms up the looses. Yes. And then softened sorrowsies. Can I tell you what my brain always did? When I would have like bad bowels, someone's like, you need more fiber. You know what I thought?

I go, oh, that's just gonna make me shit more loosely. That's what I thought. I didn't realize that it would. Bulk it up. Yeah. So Dr. Drew told that to me, he goes, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, so it adds bulk.

And it like, it lines the intestine with like a slippery so that the cacao just comes right up. Do or so, I'm gonna lie. Can I tell you my whole medallady routine now? Before bed, I make sure I get my metamutyl. Yeah. I take my progesterone, and then I do a saline spray so I don't snore.

Yeah. I put mouth tape on. I take my vitamins, you know, make sure I have everything going. Very exciting. Yeah, it's very exciting stuff. I used to just get drunk. Like I drink two glasses of wine, get high-merding, go to bed. Now I do all this cool middle-aged stuff instead. It's cool, yeah.

24, new me. Sometimes I eat an edible. That's nice. I wish I could get into it. I keep trying to get into it. It just takes me. Sometimes I eat an edible. That's nice. I wish I could get into, I keep trying to eat it in the pot. It just takes me, it's just a downshifter I go. Mm. Turn that brain off. Yeah, I guess what came back.

What? Slow horses, season three. Nice. God, I had to stop myself from, I stopped myself from watching another episode last night. What's different though? That's sweet fault. No, it's just, it's just good writing, great acting.

I love Gary Oldman. Watch him do anything. He's the best. Every scene it's just good writing, great acting. I love Gary Oldman. Watch him do anything. He's the best. Every scene he's in is like a clinic on acting. It's really so good. Yeah, and he's fat and ugly in this, yeah? He makes him that. He makes him that.

It's fucking the first scene he's in a waiting room and somebody in the waiting room, like at a doctor's office, goes to the counter and they're like, there's a homeless man. Because he farts. And he's like, like taking a nap. And then he's like, it's my colon. And they're like, he's such a mess.

He's great in it though, he's so good. Slow, is it supposed to be slow, like S-L-O-U-G-A? Like the part of, yeah, that's what I thought. But then it's S-L-W forU-G-A-G, like the part of, yeah, that's what I thought. But then it's S-L-O-W for the Americans, right? Slow horses. Well, yeah, but they're in, they're the slow horses, but they're in sloughhouse. Right.

Right. Right. Right, in it. In it. Yeah. In it, man. Oh, yeah. Anyway, new year, big excitement,

metamuse-soul. Metamuse-soul is great. By the way, if you're having loose stools, get you some, I'm serious. I know there's guys out here right now watching who are like, really do it. It's truth. What's it gonna hurt to try it once

to see if it changes your whole world? Oh, but a word of caution. Yeah. When you put the scoops of powder at the bottom of the glass, only use cold water, cold water, not water, otherwise it's discussed. Oh, okay. You can do cold water for sure. Yeah, cold water for not water. It's the other way that it's discussed. Oh, okay. You can do cold water for sure.

And drink it fast. Otherwise it gets gelatinous. Speaking of drinking. Yeah. But some things we just can't let slide. Joe Biden used a straw. Now if you've seen me on the five or on prime time, you know I recommend that all men refrain from using straw.

It's on becoming the way a man's lips purse. The size of the straw is just too dainty. The way your fingers clasp on it. No, come on. Straws are for women and little kids. It's my first time actually hearing this analysis. I don't know it either. I never heard it. I also feel like you have to have one for a milkshake. Yeah, how is he supposed to drink a fine, that's a good point. He's just supposed to go like, ah, to the milkshake.

Fall on your face. That's a six. You're drinking ice cream, we're supposed to go, ah, you just have it pulling like cement down your throat. Drink it like a man. Yeah. He's was spooned in your mouth.

That's a elite level homophobia. But it does make you think about straw use. Well, it's our straws for the gaze. That's right, our straws for the gaze. And this clip I found as I was scrolling on the toilet, taking my nice brown this morning, first of all, this is Fox News. This is a news program.

Yeah, yeah. That's a news show. This is how far we've come. Yeah. So is it gay for a man to use a straw? And then I started thinking about it. I'm using a straw to drink my water, but you're a lady. I'm not.

It's just like the game. Yeah, yeah, it's true. So let's take, I feel like an unofficial goal. And I decline straws a lot. Just like, and not even thinking about it. Yeah, but I mean, when I get coffee, every time I get ice coffee, they're like, do you want a straw? And I'm like, no, you fucking like and not even thinking about it. Yeah, but I mean when I get coffee every time I get ice coffee they're like do you want to straw and I'm like no you fucking right? But yeah, does it feel like you're sucking on a tiny dick? I mean a little bit, but I also feel like I'm so good at it

You got those pretty mouth pretty lips One one what you did pretty pretty dick sucking lips Yeah, do you guys in the booth do you ever use straw be honest to please be honest sometimes? and one what? He did pretty dick suckin' loose. Yeah. Do you guys in the booth, do you ever use strong, be honest too, please be honest. Sometimes, I mean, can you imagine going to a movie and trying to drink out of a big glass room? Yeah.

Sorry. Milk shakes, dark rooms, these are all valid things. Also a fountain soda is delicious. Like you get a coke from McDonald's, it is. Oh shit, you're right, bro. You know, I know you don't take I mean who takes the little foreigners Europeans because they don't drink ice so like oh yeah, I fucking to test that Asperger European life. I know you do I love ice. Well then good luck living. Remember being in oh I was in Italy. I was in Was I in Milan and I Went to a place for lunch and they gave me, I was like, yeah,

Coke and then they just give you the last. I was like, can I get some ice and they were like, oh, forget it. He wants that. And then the guy went, he's like, I have to go get ice. So he went next door, went to the other place. So like 30 minutes later, I was like, ice and they're like, yeah, we tried to find some. We couldn't find any. It was like, it doesn't exist. Burn this place. Even at Eastern Europe, did it get it until,

I don't know, 20, 2006 when I went back, it's last time I was here. Zola, you're not a homophobic. Do you use this draw? I tried to avoid them. If I'm in a restaurant or something, like I'll turn it down, but yeah, if I have a fountain soda, it's just about about ease like I'm not gonna take the fucking lid off

Yeah, but I do feel a little fruity you do No, I don't have to ask Same It's cap right? Scrub your cap I drank out of a straw once in front of my dad And he told me it was gay shit to never do that again He literally was like something like that fucking shit Well you kissing the fucking drink for like yeah fucking

Why is it you know, I'm saying I didn't drink I didn't drink out of a straw until I was like 18 I didn't it was like a day was like a positsky effect. I'm like wait a minute. I could I'm not what the fuck I could drink out of this goddamn straw. Yeah, of course. It took me years to realize. It was hilarious. You were eight and your dad's like, quit being a gay lord. That's hilarious. I told you, I kissed my dad's head when I was five years old and he told me that I was gay too. Wow. He said to my mom, he didn't say it to me. He's raising his son to be gay. Don't you? That be gay? She could record any therapy. I would love to be a fly on the wall. Jesus. He's just as troubled as I am.

This morning we had this discussion. I gave my daddy a kiss. Throw me on that clock. Oh, fuck. And he and I are equally traumatized. Because when people answer neutrally to emails or something, it's in the books You know like you're like hey, are we meeting today? It's in the books. I will automatically hear you stupid fucking bitch

You know, I mean like god like don't you hear it? He hears it too like god. Yeah, we don't or something Whenever they're like remember they shorten a word, you know, they end up in the email with like a THX I'm like, oh cool. So kill myself. I got it. Okay copy that Or when some it just writes back K So I'm like, oh cool, so kill myself. I got it. Okay. Copy that. I'm just like, or when somebody just writes back, K, that sends me into the spiral. But that's a message though. K is a message, right?

If you send in just a K, that's a message. You kind of crazy for that. K's like purposefully, it does mess up, I say. It's like periods. You know what I'm saying? What? If you put a period at the end of your text, like you want that to seem real.

It's aggressive. We're like, sure. Sure that scene to be a little more. It's aggressive. We're like, sure. Sure. Sure. The T-H-X is. T-H-X is no good. I didn't see H-X all the time. I didn't see H-X.

It just lets me know that you don't give a fuck about me. You know what I'm saying? It's just like, yeah, I only got time to type out the whole fank word. I'm like, really, you don't got the two seconds to finish that word? All right, so I guess I can't get it. Let me ask you this, when you kiss your dad's

cock forehead. Oh, yeah was Any I remember one time there was I had a girlfriend growing up. I was like nine or ten two and her dad I had a girlfriend growing up, I was like nine or 10 to, and her dad had a ponytail, but he was married. And like, he would give his daughter hugs and stuff, and my dad would be like, these guys are total. And I'm like, he's not a, he's just like a good dad. And the dad would make us like protein shakes in the morning, like smoothies,

and he's like, this is totally gay stuff. You're making it. Oh my God. You're dad is wild. Yeah. This gay shit. But that's like that generation of men are just hard, dude. They don't.

Yeah, he took out a lot of cool things for my life. Yeah. Saying that they were gay and I thought I believed them. I was like, I guess this is gay. I don't want to be that. I guess that's the worst thing ever, right? So yeah, stop all these things. Oh my God, my dad told me that when you put hair conditioner

in, he's like conditioner, you're just putting the grease back into your hair. I'm like, oh yeah, and I believed him. So I didn't use hair conditioner until like 22 years old. Really? Yeah, and he's like chewing gum, Vivald, you have chewing gum, just brush your teeth. Like he wouldn't buy gum or that same reason.

That's not why people that you got him. Not at all. It's just enjoyable, but my dad doesn't like enjoy this joy, you know? That's what it is. That's what it is. If you're enjoying yourself in public, he's like, like fucking shut up. Like what are you doing?

You're letting him know. Stop. That thing so happy. They're so broken. They're so broken. You know? So broken. Stop.

It's not being so happy. They're so broken. They're so broken. They're so broken.