Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - Valentine's Day Sucks! | Your Mom's House Ep. 695

Episode Date: February 15, 2023

HAPPY VALENTIME’S DAY!! On this week’s episode of YMH, Tom Segura and Christina P give their best advice for surviving Valentine’ Day, Tom responds to some listeners about where he actually came on his tour, the mommies give an update on their eye mask revelation, they take a look at some tramp stamps that give Christina a run for her money, and they discuss one of Top Dog’s truest loves: t*ts. They watch a cool update video from Unk Shine, whose camera is, of course, not facing the right way, and a girl showing off some awesome farts!https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://christinaponline.com/tour-dateshttps://store.ymhstudios.com/https://www.reddit.com/r/yourmomshousepodcast

There's nothing better than knowing what arouses your father. You're a piano. I never heard of that. It's because you're too poor to know what that is. I used the vomit as lubricant and I finished myself off. Is that what you're saying? She's got huge fucking kids. I know, and that ain't no shit. Yeah.

Welcome, welcome to your mom's house. And it's one of the best times of the year. It's Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day. We love it. We love being told when to celebrate each other. Manufactured holidays are always the best. Commercial ones, especially ones that you are forced to make a purchase and otherwise you are a bad person.

That's really my favorite. Well, you're a bad partner. And I have to say, all truth, truth, I resent the holiday as well. I don't enjoy it. I never have. But if you don't do anything for me, all I expect is a bouquet of bouquet. If you don't do the bare minimum, I do get upset. Just do the bare minimum.

I do the bare minimum, but I like you to know that there is no emotion involved. I am not doing it out of kindness or love or anything like that. I'm doing it just because you have to participate. I'm getting a participation award on that day. And every year I resent it more. Yeah. Well, I mean, just like I am expected, men are expected to buy stuff,

girls are expected to put out, and I don't really, I don't like to be told when to put out. I don't like to be mandated by a holiday. Vile. Isn't that weird that it's a holiday that tells you you have to put out? You have to fuck today, otherwise you're a piece of shit. Yeah, it's become that. It's morphed into that.

You have to fuck. And if you don't have somebody to fuck, then you're a loser. Yeah, I mean, and if you don't get flowers, you're a loser. If you don't get chocolates or whatever, you're a loser. I think it's a holiday that makes more people feel bad than anything. Because everyone I talk to is like, there's so much pressure. And then if you don't get what you're expecting, you're bummed out, you know, and single people, it bums out everybody.

It's a bummer. It's a bummer. It's a bummer holiday. It's a bummer holiday. Yeah. Don't lock up. That being said, we've mastered the art of not celebrating Valentine's Day. Well, why don't we open the show and then we can share the secrets?

Yeah. And here you go for the very special Valentine's Day week. Here you go. Yeah, look, check this out. All your beautiful women. What's happening? I'm cooling. Oh, yeah.

I'm cooling, da. I'm trying to tell you all now. Yeah. Hey. Hey. You know what makes me feel good? I know. You're pussy and you're booty, girl.

Yeah. And the draws. The little bikini draws. Oh, yeah, my baby. I'm trying to tell you all now. Yeah, girl. It's a very cool secret. Yeah.

Don't bring anyone loving to this. Your mom in the fucking stand. Well, well, well, well, well. Good job. Good job. Good job with Tom Segura. Tom Segura. And Christina Pajitsie.

Welcome to your mom's house. Go, go, go. And he said let it out. Let it out. Hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Oh, wow.

Wow. It's a cool brand. Hey, Christina. Hey, what's up with your John Deere flex? Oh, thanks for noticing. Dang, that's cool as shit, huh? What you representing, bro? You know what I got it?

What? For the people. Oh, you're a man of the people now? Yeah. Yeah. They don't want to see me wearing fucking Loro Piana. You know? I don't even know Loro Piana.

I never heard of that. That's because you're too poor to know what that is. But I actually had to look up with that one. I'm a regular guy and we like John Deere. You know, if I ever get my hands on some money, I'm going to get me another one. Well, that's what Garth does. That's why we love Garth Brooks so much.

I just drive around on my ranch. He does. He refuses to be trapped by money and the comforts. My favorite thing about him. He lives poor. And there's a couple of comedians like this who I won't name, who are quite popular, is that they have been able to trick their fans into believing that they're like,

you know, I'm just a regular dude and I like basic stuff. And I don't fall into the trappings of the wealthy. I just just doesn't appeal to me. I'm just a regular guy. And like, you know, Garth does that. Oh, big time. Where he's just like, you know. No, remember, he has the ranch.

I just want a cold cut sandwich from Jersey Mike's. And he drives around his shitty ranch. In his, yeah. His multi-million dollar. And then I just like to drive my F-150. And a couple of very well-known comics do this thing where they're like, you know, I'm a normal dude. And then they're dumb fucking, there are people dumb enough to be like,

just a regular dude. And they don't know that like those guys, they all fly private. They just put on this very calculated manufactured thing where they're like. I'm a regular guy. Yeah. And meanwhile, there's guys like me who are, I'm John Deere all day, every day. Like this is actually who I am. Guy, he sleeps in this.

He's got John Deere pajamas, John Deere undies. Well, it's my favorite thing to do at home is I drive around on our yard in my John Deere. Is that what it is? Is it a lawn mower? I don't even know what a John Deere is. I'm from LA. We never mowed lawns. They do lawn mowers, they do tractors, they do tractors.

Like farm equipment. Stuff like that. Yeah. But it's like, it's really good stuff. It's high. Is it the highest end of equipment? It's up there. Yeah, that's true.

I wonder what the artifice of like. It's a game. It's a cycle. It's a trick. And people either fall for the trick or they know they're being tricked, you know. Yeah. Or they go on even like talk shows, dressed poor. And you're like, you know that you can, you're on like the tonight show.

Yeah. You cannot, you can wear like a nice. I got my shit kickers on and. You can. Yeah. And you're like. But, but, but it's interesting because certain audiences demand that. Well, here's the thing.

They don't, you can say they demand it. What they do is they like to be tricked. They like to buy into the roots. They like, they like to go see. I know. He's just got on his shit kickers. He's a regular guy. He's Wrangler's on.

And you're like, he's a regular guy. And you're like, okay. It's funny. I saw this meme that was like, when we eat the rich, only Dolly Parton will be spared. Oh yeah. And it's so true because she's obviously super wealthy. Super. But there's something like she's real down home.

She lets people sleep in her backyard. Yeah. Like I don't know how true that is, but the reason. But, but I like that mythology. I, I. It's again, it's a, it's a story. It's a book. Yeah.

And she's always like, I grew up. Here's what's not a story. In a shack. This part is not a story. She's got huge fucking tits. I know. And that ain't no shit. Yeah.

And speaking of tits and it's Valentine's Day. And if you want to be a good partner. Just fucking lick that pussy to pieces. You got to go for it. You know. Yeah. You were fuck partners. God, that is.

Rest in peace. Hark. So romantic. Yeah. Wait, we didn't even talk about Unkshine's cool video of the mop. Oh, the, so the reason that he is being so sexy towards the mop in the bucket is quite a simple one. He doesn't realize that the camera is facing the other way.

This is something that happens to Unk every once in a while. But it's nice. It's, it's nice though. This has happened to everyone. Most people catch it sooner. Yeah. He just keeps the video going, which is kind of the best part. But it gives me.

Bro, bro. What's happening, bro, bro? I like them drawers, y'all. I want them bro, bro. 00:09:38,720 --> 00:09:38,720 00:09:38,720 --> 00:09:38,720 00:09:38,720 --> 00:09:38,720

00:09:38,720 --> 00:09:38,720 00:09:38,720 --> 00:09:38,720 00:09:38,720 --> 00:09:38,720 00:09:38,720 --> 00:09:38,720 00:09:38,720 --> 00:09:38,720 00:09:38,720 --> 00:09:38,720 00:09:38,720 --> 00:09:38,720 00:09:38,720 --> 00:09:38,720

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00:09:38,720 --> 00:09:38,720 00:09:38,800 --> 00:09:39,520 Bro, bro. Huh? You can see that you don't see your face. Right. He can't. He's drunk. And the rain one.

Bro, bro. Y'all touch my white with them little drawers, guy. Yeah. Well, it is nice. I like to get insight into his private world and his surroundings. And this is interesting. I didn't know that he, this is how he lives. It seems pretty clean.

He's got a mop in a bucket. Yep. He cleans up. I'm surprised the table is free from any beer cans or litter. It's actually of the coolest guys we've ever profiled. 100% that's the cleanest apartment we've ever seen. Yeah. It's not even close.

No, I'm really impressed with Unchire. And here is why. Here is really why. He values fucking so much. Like, I don't know how often he gets laid. I know he wants to get laid 24 seven. He literally, for, I think we've known who this is now for a couple of years, posts almost the same thing every day.

Which is, I want your booty. I want you to sit. I want my tongue in your eye every day. Every once in a while, it has to happen. And if you really do like ladies, you know something. They don't like a dirty apartment. No. Ladies don't want to walk in your own mess.

I once went to a gentleman's apartment before we were together. And I went to use his restroom. And there was just a sea of hair on the floor. Just a layer of human body hair, of cubic hair. Josh Potter before. Oh, my God. I bet that is that is what that it was a Potter sitch. Yeah.

And I was like, nah, I'm out. Yeah. But I do like there's no mold on the ceiling. Yeah. But there's no fan. Yeah. Anywhere. Yeah.

Oh, God, poor Josh Potter. I love Josh Potter. So do I. He's Josh Potter is literally one of my favorite people that I know. Of course. He's the best. Yeah. Look at him.

He shoulder porn. Remember when he was doing that? He goes, he's like, I can't keep up with these cameo requests for shoulder and foot porn. Was that on the air? Or was that just what he was telling? I don't forget if he was public with that. But you realize that you realize that he had to stop making cameos.

He said no to money on the table. This is actually, this is how crazy this was. At the time, he really needed the money. He really did. And he was like, he's like, I need money. Yeah. But I can't keep doing shoulder porn. I just can't.

I can't lower myself to this. And imagine like when we were at our poorest, having that treasure trove there and being like, no hard pass. That must mean it really was killing his spirit. Yeah. He was saying, I'm losing the twinkle in my eye. I'm serious. We would be on the road together.

That's very fine. Sorry, you deserve credit for that. Thank you. The good eye. But we would be on the road together. And I'd be like, hey, I'm going to go get lunch. He's like, I got to shoot some shoulder porn for cameo. So upset.

My whole afternoon is going to be doing this. He's like, but you know, it's some good money. Yeah. That's the thing. It's always hard as an artist, do we take the check? Or do you go through the hard way, which is your artistic license and good for him. He's an artist.

He's a real artist. He's a real artist. He's doing great now, by the way. I know. Podcast is doing great. Doing road dates. Just like he's fucking doing fantastic. Our little baby bird is flown and he's flying high.

He's turned off, flew away. Yeah. That's really exciting. I'm really happy for him. I'm really proud of Josh Potter. He's really done it. He really has. Yeah.

Yeah. I wonder if he has a Valentine. Yeah. By the way, it is pronounced Valentine, so don't write in and tell me. That it's Valentine. It's never Valentine. I mean, this might be before we get into some of the details

of how to make Valentine's Day more tolerable. Hey, Christina. I just want to point out that thanks to you guys, and suggesting that my I'm Coming Everywhere World Tour be about actually coming places. Well. The messages have come in. Yeah.

And it is interesting. Hey, Tom. I knew you were in Louisiana. You probably came in a disrespectful way out of spite. Give me those come-deets. Come here now, Jess. Tom, tell me the most untraditional come you had on the tour. Outdoors, in a plane, in a car.

I want that cool come, slick come, neat come. Gary the Cumbare. Well, I have admitted that I jerked off on multiple flights for the first time in my life on the tour. That's interesting. May I ask why you choose the flight over just the hotel room where you're sedentary? Well, I discovered a few things about myself.

One, something I've known for a while is that I get sexually aroused on flights. And we've discussed it on two bears a number of times and found that this is actually not a rare thing that a number of people experience this. That it's something about losing your inhibitions, feeling a total lack of, you're no longer in control, your stress is relieved, and sometimes that heightens arousal.

Sure, I can see that. And yeah, so I did it a few times. Are you saying you've done this too? When I was a kid, I want to say early high school, middle high school, we're on a flight to Israel, and I am sitting with my sister and my mom and then all of a sudden something happens where I'm like, I got to get this demon stuff out of me. Yeah, it's stress relief.

And so it's like, it's a trip to Israel, so it's a 12-hour flight. So all the windows are down. I'm like, oh, everyone's asleep, this is good. And I go to the bathroom and I need visual stuff to do things. And so I'm trying my hardest to think of stuff. And it takes me a while. And when I come out, there's a line of like 10 angry people

like, oh my god. What the fuck were you doing in there? They could probably hear the fapping, you know? I'm 13, I'm a man now. Yeah, yeah. And was it a good one though? One of the best comes in my life. I'm going to throw.

Please never share a story again. That was so disturbing. I think I ended up doing it three times on this tour. And obviously private, right? When you're flying private, seriously commercial? Yeah, no, no, no, no, it was private. Gosh, well, it is your plane. I literally had driven my John Deere tractor to the plane.

And I, yeah, I did it. I mean, I don't know, man, I was compelled. I did it and I felt great, really. I don't know. When you walk out, are you worried that the others will know your secret? Yeah, of course. Yeah.

Some people think that's part of the, I didn't find that thrilling. So that part wasn't it to me. I just got, get this heightened sense of arousal on a plane. Yeah. I mean, I understand your, your anxiety is a little higher. Maybe it's just, it's a different universe. I remember when 9-11 happened, all I wanted to do was F.

That took, really? Same thing, like heightened. What do I do? Am I going to die? I should fuck, I should fuck. But that was, yeah, maybe trauma. But with you, I mean, did you think your passengers, your co-passengers knew, like did all your tour buddies sense?

No, nobody knew. That you were jerked off. Yeah, they just like, he took a shit. No, no, I remember telling one of them like the next day and they were like, what the fuck, man? Yeah, no, yeah. I don't even want to know if you've done it on a flight with me, with our kids.

No. How do you even get aroused? No, of course not. Yeah, that's so gross. No. I don't want to know when you jerk off. Like, I don't, I don't want to, I don't want to walk in on it. Yeah.

I really don't want to know. Yeah, you have never expressed any interest in that at all. That's your private time. Yeah, I don't know, you know, just kind of, you've never wanted to watch any guy, JSD? I haven't wanted to, but I have over my life. Yeah, I had this happen in high school. We spent the night, God, this was so deranged

at my friend's house in like 10th grade, and she had a really whacked out little brother. There's always one of those. And he was cutting holes into stuffed animals and effing them. He had put a camera in her shower. Like, this kid was just other level. Yeah, you know what he's not doing now? Something good with his life.

No, he was, he was already like serial killer. Yeah. And anyway, she had a slumber party. We were all up the next, was it, I think it was no, at night time. And he was like laying in her bed. And he was like watching us talk. And he's like, hey, you guys dare me to jerk off? And we were like, whatever, you know, Steve,

and we're just continued discussing what we're discussing. And then he fucking has jizz and he flicks it on her wall. And we were like, get the fuck out of here, dude. Like we were all like, ew, like she was so mad. She was hitting him. Yeah, I'm kind of calm now. Yeah, that was pretty gnarly. That was probably, but then like a litany of homeless guys.

I've always seen homeless guys like on buses or in tunnels and stuff. That's standard issue. He loves his company. Yeah. I, um... Happy Valentine's Day. Happy Valentine's Day. That was a weird one because I know that that was,

that was way to generate behavior. And they were like a well-to-do family. Really? Oh yeah, wealthy. And he, yeah, and then that's, I don't know, that stands out right when it's like... That's other level stuff. Like he didn't know boundaries on the wall.

There's a kid I knew in high school. He wasn't in my grade. I think he was one or two years younger than me. And he was an odd, like just an oddball, you know? And I was in a, this was the one when we moved. So I went from a really big high school to a small high school. And he was, you can just tell, you know, this is a weird guy. He's weird.

He had this carry to brush with him and would brush his hair in this very like specific way. And he had that had weird, like a shitty hair style. He was always like brushing it. And we were always like, do you have your fucking brush with, you know, we're high school kids. Like you got your brush, you know, and making sure that he's had brushed enough and asking him questions

because we knew his answers would be strange. He's just strange, you know? Like feels like, you know, not like cutting holes and things like you said, but you're like, this guy's just off. And, you know, we would kind of have our fun of like, it was mostly about asking him questions, right? Like getting, setting him up with some question and hearing his just bananas kind of answer.

And everybody's one of those things where you kind of just turn your head and you're like, this guy's just fucking off his shit. But like I said, he's a couple of years younger. So I don't see him all the time. I kind of know who he is in high school, move on. But, you know, every few years you talk to your friends, you're like, how about, and they're like, oh, yeah, yeah.

And just we'd have our friend like, do you have your fucking brush with you to brush your hair right now? More time goes on. And then like more than a decade later, find out that he got arrested for stalking. Yeah, like that check shocker. Like that's exactly like following somebody staring

through the window, you know, I think still brushing his hair. Yeah, yeah. But see, here's the deal, man, is like, I wonder if you guys kind of check in him, which is what men do. You check him, meaning like, hey, asshole, I'm on you, fuckface. You're fucking weird. Me and the other guys are going to keep an eye on you so that you don't totally whack out.

But now with this whole no bullying and everybody's awesome and we have to celebrate the weirdos instead of, you know, hey, I'm watching you weirdo, which is I think a little more helpful, right? Because who knows how far he would have gone. Oh, I think he should have been checked harder. I actually, I don't think we actually checked him enough. I think we were like a lot of high school kids

in that we were amused by somebody that was so different in that way. Sure. I mean, he wasn't different like in the way that like a foreign exchange students different. He was you. We were just like, we never met somebody like him. You know, there was no other kid like him. So I think we were just the fuck is up with this, right?

It was like, I don't know. It was almost like a toy of some kind where you're just like, is this really how this works? And I think I think he would have been served better by what you're saying, which is like us like being like, knock it the fuck off. You know, I think I wish we would have done that. I know because not everybody, how do I put this? Not everybody is fixable.

Or is within the parameters of normal societal behavior. Yeah. Maybe there's no fixing that guy. There's no fixing that. Who knows what wires were crossed from the jump. Maybe he wouldn't have done any of that weird shit if he would have had his ribs cracked, you know. That's what I'm saying.

Yeah. No, that was a hundred percent one. I am fucking saying is that we could have done that. Believe me. We could have fucking wrecked his life. We should have hospitalized that kid. That's what I'm saying. You should have gone harder on the kid.

No, no, no, no teasing. No, no, no, no, no. Hey, fuckface. Really put him in his place. Shame him so that he stays inside. That's what you need. That's old school. Remember, I mean, this is how it was back in the day.

Everybody knew the weirdos in the neighborhood. Yeah. The, yeah. Right. Back in the day, everybody would full metal jack at that kid, you know, they would fucking beat that kid until his fucking brain worked differently. And so that's what you need to do.

Whenever you see a kid that's kind of weird, just fuck him up. Push him around. It's true, but I mean, not, not just like a little weird, like I brush my hair. I'm fucking not right in the head. He wasn't probably just R worded. There was something crazy. What that kid needed is what Joey Diaz calls,

he needed a fucking reset. Yeah. Exactly. He really needed a reset, you know. He either needed a thousand milligram star of death or to get every fucking bone in his body broken, you know. Because this is something that only men can do to other men. Yeah.

Is you guys regulate each other because men operate on a primal animal level that women do not fucking comprehend? Yeah. Okay. There's a reason that men are the serial killers. Yes. There's the outliers that some every now and one, every fucking thousands of killers, one is a woman.

I told you we did this in college. What did you do in college? I'm sure I've told her on a podcast before that when I was a freshman in college, I was in the freshman dorm and we heard that down the hall on our hall, there was a guy who was a freshman who had a 14-year-old girl with him in the room. So we went down there.

Like four of us went down there and we, and he was like, hey, what's up guy? He was like, what's up? Normal. Yeah. And we were like, this isn't happening. And he was like, what are you talking about? And we're like, this isn't happening.

Like she's got to go. Yeah. What's going on? He was like, what? And we're like, not happening. Yeah. And he was, he was kind of like, you're kind of fucking me up right now.

We were like, no shit because you're not going to do this. And so the girl leaves. He's all like, you know, he can't believe that this just happened. He was gone the next week. He left school. Good. Yeah. Of course.

Because of, because of like, it was, You need to regulate each other. It was basically a bunch of men who were all bigger than him going like, you're not going to do this. Yes. And then he just, I mean, who knows what he, I'm sure he ended up being a predator of some kind somewhere. But he wasn't going to do it on our hall.

Not at all. You know, like, yeah. But that's what, see, but some men are so wild and so untamed that they're not going to respond to reason and to seminars and to sexual harassment sit downs. That's not going to happen with some creeps. They need a fucking. And this is something that actually has been proven

in psychology about psychopaths. And I've read. Well, you're an expert on that. We know. I've read a pro, and I'm not an expert, but I think for a novice of, you know, I've read about six or seven books. I believe you.

I've watched a number of shows. And there's something that they'll tell you over and over again about psychopaths. They do not respond to reason. Thank you. Psychopaths respond to force. Yeah. So when I guys in there and he's trying to be, you know,

aggressive, you know what he responds to? I will smash your fucking head wide open with a hammer. Yep. And then that guy goes, oh. Oh, I can't do that. Exactly. Force. And but that's the problem with now with toxic masculinity

and blah, blah, blah. Men are being told that that's a toxic trait. Like, no, no, no. Nature in some regard is off and evil. Sometimes. Yeah. Nature is fucking evil. There are things.

There are things that happen in the world. People don't like to admit. Yes. And then evil happens. Creeps. Creeps are fucking. Need to be checked. Yes.

Bullies need to get bullied back. Yes. And gays, you have to pray for them. They can't stop. If you don't pray for a gay, they'll never see the light. They'll never see the light. God, you're so smart, man. So I'm so glad we solved all the world's fucking problems.

That's what we do here. Valentine's Day, hugely gay retarded holiday that is popular here in the United States. But one way to make it tolerable for you as a man. I'll tell you this. Like, you know, I've had girlfriends during high school, college, out of college. I've been married.

Can't enough bragging about how many women love you. Every Valentine's Day is a Valentine's Day that you have to acknowledge if you're with someone. If you're alone, people try to make you feel bad and you shouldn't feel bad because it's a fucking bullshit thing. And you know what I mean? If you're single, it's like, who gives a shit? Do something fun that day and realize everybody else

is being a sucker for this commercial holiday. But if you're in a relationship, here's what you need to do. If you're a guy, use the opportunity to eat where you want to eat, actually. And what you do is you present it as there's this place I really want to take you, the girl. But what you really do is you go somewhere that you want to eat. Such a good idea.

And you just have to be not foolish enough to talk about that place over and over leading up to the day. Right. But when the day comes up, you go, I got a real special treat for you. Yeah, for you. I want to take you to Jimmy's Meat House or whatever the fuck is the place you want to go to. But you got to be respectful of the lady

because here's the deal, man. She's spent a long time getting ready. She don't want fucking barbecue sauce on her dress. She doesn't want to eat with her hands. You got to take her somewhere that's like, you have to think about the type of food. You do, but make sure you don't do it for her. Do it for yourself.

That's the point I'm trying to make. Like, don't fall into the trap of being like, here's the fucking, you know. You wish you wish I was 400 pounds instead of you. No, you wish you would be 400 pounds. You didn't have to look at me to look at me. I think about it now. I've been thinking about it for like days that you chose to. Like, I didn't realize you were that into looks

that you didn't want me to be 400 pounds. I really didn't realize you never came across as a guy that was really into looks. OK. No, I didn't know. Here's the thing. I mean, look, I'm not the. Here's the thing that you're right about.

And it's good that you've come to the realization. If you were 400 pounds, I'd never look at you again. So, you just never see my eyes in your direction. You'd be waiting for search and rescue to come and get you. You are so unreal. Yeah. You are unreal. Another huge hot tip.

You've been saying this one for years. You fuck before you eat. Huge mistake people have made. Fuck before you eat. Sometimes they're like, you get all dressed up, right? And like, oh, man, clothes isn't too tight yet. I got a little appetite going. I can't wait to go here.

Let's see. And then we'll have our romantic loving moment after we get back. Not going to happen. Not going to happen. Because you're too drunk and full. And full. You're too full.

You ever fuck and have your partner puke? What? No, have you? Yeah, I remember that. What do you mean you remember that? Not with me in the last 20 years. No, I know. But I remember in college, ate too much, she ate too much,

and we're doing it. She throws up while you're fucking. Yeah, but she's in the dog. So, you know, she's facing away. Stop. She's puking off the bed. Stop. I go, I'm not tapping out until I'm done, right?

Stop. I'm done. I use the vomit as lubricant and I finish myself off. Is that what you're saying? Can't get me, bitch. Do you see that? Can I tell you something? Our younger son is such a puker.

Like, you know how the universe conspires to get you over things or to make you grow? I swear that our youngest son, because he is such a puker. It's helping you. The needle has moved for me in the puke fove. He's so funny. That kid, he goes, do you remember?

He goes, do you remember when I barfed? And I'm like, which time? He's like, when I was sick. But I do remember. He's like, yeah, I barfed everywhere. And I'm like, you sure did, pal. He barfed on me on the plane. On the way to Thanksgiving.

And that was a new one for me. It was terrible. But now he's convinced that every time he gets on a plane, he barks and I'm like, there's no correlation. On the flight for the holidays. And he was like, will I barf on this flight? Oh, so sad. Yeah, it's so sad.

Poor buddy. Yeah, but I mean, I wonder what new holidays will be manufactured in the next 30 years, you know? If there'll be a new one. We could make one. We should make one. Better one. Jeans day.

You wear your jeans? Yeah, I mean, what's the, let's pick a date. Types jeans day. Ugh. What is a special day in YMH history? Maybe it's the day that we talk to RPC. I feel like that's a huge day. That is a huge day.

That's the jeans day. We should figure it out. Well, it should be on a Wednesday, obviously, because everyone thinks that Wednesday is a jeans day. But here's the thing. Okay. So then it's not an actual date, because the dates will change every year.

I know, I know. So it's got to be on like. So it's like the first Wednesday of every, you know, June, like that kind of thing. Well, you don't want to wear tight, high jeans in the summertime. You got to wear your high-end tights in the winter. Or the fall.

Or the fall. Autumn is perfect. Autumn is perfect jean weather, yeah. So the first Wednesday of every October. Ooh, that's good. Is jeans day. Jeans day. And if you don't purchase and give someone a parody,

and you don't wear a brand new pair of jeans that day, you are not even a part of society. No, you don't belong. You're an outcast. You're a terrible person. And actually, you should be indicted on federal charges. You're a piece of shit. In my jeans.

I wear my jeans in my Adidas jacket. 00:34:01,360 --> 00:34:03,200 No, that's so funny. This is, what, go ahead. Guess what I have to do. What? P? Okay. Can I tell you something?

Yeah. I in the morning, we're filming in the morning. It's when I drink coffee and I hydrate a lot. Yeah, I understand. And I drink my shake. But you didn't understand the last episode. Well, a couple episodes ago. Or was it in front of Tony Hawk and Jason Ellis?

Let's actually, let's let's let's break this down here. In two episodes, two like big moments. One, I'm sitting here having like this insane. That's what you're mad about. Convert, no. Listen to the fuck. No, here's the fucking psychology degree over here. That's what you're actually mad about.

I'm an expert. No, I'm talking to fucking Charo about this huge. And you're like, I got to go pee and you take off. Then we have Tony Hawk and Jason. Tony Hawk, you've been a super fan of as long as I can remember. And we're like, man, this is like this great podcast. There's a few minutes left. And you're like, I'm going to go pee right now.

It's like, you can't wait a minute to say goodbye. But it was already bursting. Actually, it wasn't. You know why? It was. Because you held it. You held it longer. You were able to do photos afterward.

I know, I peed and then I did photos. Yeah, you can hold it. Why don't you believe me with this? Yeah, because I think you're lying. Why would I lie about having to pee? Can I tell you something? I actually think you're mad at me because I got up and laughed during that fight.

And I think you wanted me to bear witness. And I didn't realize it at the time. Okay, that's not why I'm mad at you. I think you can actually hold it a lot longer than you admit to. And you're just being selfish about when you pee. I've had two children. You know, that does affect making me pee

more on pelvic floor things. And... Okay, I think you could have held it. I think you're mad at me because I left at a moment that you wanted me to be there. And I did not notice. Can I tell you something? Can you tell you why I left during the churro?

I did have to urinate. I saw it as a perfect opportunity because I don't like confrontation between you and your mom. I hate watching it. I hate watching her spin out and do all that stuff because it reminds me of my own life. And I didn't want to see it.

Can I tell you what I hate? I hate when you propose things like, here's why I think you're feel this way. Okay, fine. But then you're still... You've never been mad at me in the past for peeing during a show. Why now?

Why this peeing? You know, you've had many peas on this show. I have. Sometimes you have to pee. Thank you. And I do have to go. You want to measure my ladder, you fuck? She's full of shit.

Welcome back. I'm back. And I feel so much better. I didn't see how much happier I am. Yeah, you actually do see much better. Lighter. Personally, I wish if you ever had to pee, you would just do it.

You know, I don't want you to feel like you. Really? Yeah, of course. Thanks, Jeans. I love you. Happy Valentine's Day. Happy Valentine's Day. Okay, tell you what I'm super stoked to get into.

The tramp stamps. The submissions. I'm genuinely curious as to who has a worse or a white worse or tramp stamp than me because mine's pretty fucking terrible. Even Jason Ellis, who's got a million bad tattoos, like that shit might. The best part about that,

the best part about Jason Ellis talking about it is like when it first appeared on and you're like, what do you think this is? He's like, this is a fucking piece of shit tattoo. How so bad? He's like, this is one of the worst just tattoos I've ever seen. Didn't know what he was. It says the expert.

He's like, who cares? It just sucks. Now, here's the thing. There is your absolutely garbage tattoo, but are you going to actually entertain what he suggested? I kind of think it is a good suggestion. I mean, Jason Ellis, if anything, is an expert on tattoos. And he's just said, you know, he's right.

Modern day cover ups are incredible. He's like, just put an awesome tattoo over the shitty tattoo. Or do you go, it's just funnier to have my shitty tattoo and I don't care. Or the third option is just have it removed. Well, yeah, but you've had that option for a long time. I know. And I keep waiting for the technology to get so much better

that it's painless, but it still hurts like shit. Look, if you want it to be gone, you're going to feel something, but you're not going to be. It's not like you're delivering a baby. It's not going to hurt like that. You know? Oh, that's true. I've done that twice.

I mean, it's just embarrassing. I don't like my kids to see it and they've asked me about it. And I'm like, mommy made a bad decision in 1999. And I just tell them that 98. That's what you fucking say to them. Yeah. I'm like, it was a stupid decision. Mommy made a stupid choice.

It's a bad choice. You make bad, dumb choices and you live with bad decisions. So do you think you're just going to leave it as is? No, I actively want to do something about it. I don't know if I want to make it bigger. I think I want it gone. I think I want it gone. You know what's sad is that when I had it done,

when I was like 20 years old, in my head, I was like, I'll just have it removed later. Really? Yeah. Because I was like, I don't want to do this. Did you look at it then and go, this is pretty rad? You think, I mean, did you think it was cool for a minute? I thought it was cool enough.

But I wasn't like, this I want on my body for like, this is rad. I did it because everyone else was doing it that day. There were six of us. Yeah. And I was like, this will be a funny story. Like, I was in Australia. This guy has a scorpion tattoo on his face that did it for me. And I was in Brisbane and I was like, whatever, dude.

I'm going to get one. Yeah? Yeah. What do you can get? I don't know. I'll get it with you. Really? Yeah.

You get another tattoo? If it's with my jeans. Okay. What would you get? I don't know. I don't know. I kind of want to get one over my scar for my ankle. That would be kind of cool.

I have a pretty cool scar. I know. Yeah. All right. Let's get jeans tattoos. How about two mommies? One jeans. One jean.

One pair of jeans. I think if we learned anything, it's that you shouldn't take the lead on the tattoo. I'm not very good with symbols. No. Okay. Let's see who anyone else is. We put out the call and we got some.

Let's pack these. These are amazing. Okay. First one. Okay. Hi. I'm blazing Nana. Nana or Nana?

Nana? N-A-N-A? That sucks. Nana? Nana. I saw that you're looking for bad trans stamps. Well, here's a terrible one. This says Jesus saves.

That's a bad one. I tried being one of those church people, but I'm already covered in tattoos. So this was my Christian tattoo. So after I kind of quit doing the church thing, I remember a guy asking me, do guys blow baby batter on that tattoo? That's pretty good.

That's bad. Thank you for sending that. God, that's terrible. But what does it say at the butt crack there? I don't know. There's like more, can we zoom in? I understand that Jesus saves and then, is that like Latin? There's something down there.

I do think like any type of cross or Celtic cross as a trans stamp is very bad. And Jesus saves as your trans stamp? I mean, that is primo. Way to go, Nana. That's a heavy one. That's a good one. That might win.

Number two here, we have Connor. He goes, hi, jeans. My name's Connor. Guess from where? He has an enormous tattoo of the word Alaska on his lower. I mean, it's huge. That's huge. That is fucking enormous.

There's, you know, and I don't know, this is another thing about men and women that is different. Is that like a guy having this is like always funny. So fun. And then a girl having this is just always regrettable. It's just sad. You're just like, you got to change this. You got to.

Now, here's the main question though. A tramp stamp, does it have a size? Is there a size thing? Because that, is that considered a? Well, that's the area for it. It's the area for it, but a tramp stamp technically is just a little or a smaller. Is always, but I mean, this is so funny. I mean, my, so my tramp stamp is literally about this, right?

A little bit bigger than a half dollar or something like that. Yeah. You know, you're the one that looks at it more than me. Tried it out too. But that's his entire lower back. That's enormous. But the font is killer. I will say that's really good calligraphy.

It's well done. It's well done. And he must love his home state. That's really funny. Connor. Connor from Alaska. Crushed it. Connor, who I think is from Alaska.

That's where I'm from. Oh, Jesus. Oh, that's funny. Next up. Oh, that's bad. This is a guy again. Hey, mommies. So I got this while a little drunk on St. Patrick's Day in 2012.

I say a little, but I was pretty coherent the entire time. It was only about 11 a.m. after all. I can tell you it hurt like hell, but I didn't pay for a drink for the rest of the night. So I call that a win. If you can't read it, it says, kiss me. I'm Irish. Oh, sorry. I'm or in?

No, I'm Irish. Okay. No, because in the email it says in Irish. I didn't know if that was part of the joke. Is it kiss me in Irish? No, it does say I'm. It says I'm Irish, but it also looks like Jewish and not Irish.

00:43:40,160 --> 00:43:40,880 I'm Irish. Yeah. It says me. I'm Jewish. Yeah, that looks like a J. That's very funny. And no, wait, hold on. It says, if you can't read, it says, kiss me.

I'm Irish. And no, I'm not. I love you guys. Can't wait to see Tim in Auckland. Much love, Simon, P.S. Bird is fat and sorry about the ass crack. So he's Kiwi. And this is a male Tram Stamps.

And that is very funny to be like, here's my ethnicity. And it's like, no, I'm not. I'm not the ethnicity that is tattooed on my body. I mean, the dude, I didn't even really know dudes that did Tram Stamps. I'm marveling right now at that. That's pretty crazy. That's pretty amazing. Now, if you should get a black and proud tattoo done right above your ass crack.

No joke. I was going to get a thug life tattoo. Really? Uh-huh. Like where? Like Tupac? Like over the stomach? No, no, no.

Just like in really small cursive on my chest right here. When were you thinking doing this? Like how long ago? I've been, I've had this idea since middle school. And it's stuck with you? Well, I'm just like, I'm going to keep recirculating back to this idea until I think it's not stupid and then I won't get it. And like, I've still always thought it was funny and cool.

Because it's stupid. Yeah, yeah. So if you keep thinking it's stupid, you'll just keep fantasizing about it. But what's crazy too is that I also use it as a litmus test. Like if I'm ever dating a girl, I'm like, I'm thinking of getting a thug life tattoo. She's like, you should get that right now. I'm like, oh, this bitch is a lunatic.

I can't get out of here. Yeah, this is mental. But I still want it. But it's not Tram Stamps. The truth is I'm not into like, I don't know. I mean, I'm not. I just, I've seen dudes with tattoos where it looks like cool artwork. And I just, I mean, I would only.

I think you've got the answer on your chest. John Deere. It's your favorite. You're a man of the people. Fuck, I didn't. I can't believe I didn't see it. What everybody know. It would definitely, to me, it would definitely be the broken arm area.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But I'm not into a jokey one. I don't think, like, to me, it's like, it's not, I know a lot of people that have them and, you know, but to me, it wouldn't, I wouldn't do a jokey one. I don't think I would either.

Yeah. Maybe like, no, I'm not even, I was thinking like my kid's names, but even that. Yeah. Here we go. This is from Julia. Drunkenly got my lightsaber Tram Stamps when I was 18 drunk and high because I went as, what is it, Padme, Medalla for Halloween. That's cool.

It's got me a lot of free drinks over the years and a great combo starter. Yeah. So she's got dueling lightsabers. That's amazing. But that's kind of cool. Julia. I think it's. Good morning, Julia.

I think it's cool. And if you're a Star Wars fan, even cooler. I mean, I kind of like it though. I don't hate it. No, I don't hate it either. Yeah. Like, I hate my Tram Stamps and I hate Kiss Me, I'm Irish. I mean, I think part of the thing is that hers, you know, you kind of get what they are.

Like at first I'd be like, what is that? Is that an X or those baseball bats? And then you kind of go like, oh, those are lightsabers, right? So yeah. Yeah. She's getting somebody who likes it for sure. Yeah. Like she could go.

And kind of the message could kind of be though, I want two dicks here right now. Oh, that's, I never saw that. I wonder if she thinks that. I don't know if she thinks that. Dueling swords. Oh yeah, that is like a thing. Dueling swords is a dick thing. Like, I think if you're like the one guy you get there, you'd be like, hey, I'm missing something here.

He's supposed to be another guy. She's like, actually there is. Yeah. Dang. I like dueling swords. Oh, this is nice. Dueling lightsabers. You ready for this?

Okay. That's shitty. What's up? Oh, that's so shitty. Guess who that is? That's Chad's sister. No way. Oh shit, smart Chad's got a crazy sister.

I present to you the butt wings. Got this bad boy as my first tattoo when I was 16. 00:47:53,680 --> 00:47:56,000 The internet told me the symbols mean angel. I asked a foreign exchange student at my high school when she confirmed or pranked me. The artist kept making comments about my 16 year old cheeks and later got fired, unrelated probably, but I think it's for the best. I didn't really think about, I didn't really think through placing wings,

not on my shoulder blades, but right above my crack. Now my ass is flying, so are you. Enjoy hashtag team Chad or whatever. Chad. Chad. I told her she was playing with fire, but that's amazing here. That's cool, man. So this is the genre I was really looking for, which is like.

That's much better than yours. Much better than mine. But this is what I was looking for. It's like I'm young, I want something meaningful. All of these are either drunk high. Very young or all three. You don't get a tram stamp when you're 46 and you have two kids in a mortgage, right? Chad, do you remember when she got it?

Not the exact time. I mean, she was like 16 when she got it, but she like also had like her, she got her belly button pierced. I had my lip pierced, so we were all kind of, we were all doing kind of weird stuff. What's her name? Her first name? Allie or Allison. Allison.

I love you, Allison. You're my kind of gal. That's very cool. And she got, she's got a bunch of tats. She does. She has a lot of actually cool ones, not just this crazy ass wing one. Dude, ass wings is, this is exactly what I'm looking for. I guess the thing that I do, like, you know, I've obviously never,

I've never gotten a tattoo, but I do love that they do, they are markers of something in your life. You know, it's like this is a story, forever and ever. It's like, well, this is what happened when I was 16, you know, and there's a story that marked on you forever. That part I like. My problem is, it's just that over the years, you change what your markers and your symbols come

and now they're, it's deeply embarrassing. I was like, I was born in the year of the dragon, 76. I'm a dragon. It's like, okay. Now I'm 46. I'm like, that's fucking dumb. I don't care. I don't, but even worse is like, I'm a Gemini.

Like, oh God, how many Gemini tattoos are out there? Yeah. Butterflies, dolphins, or, and I don't know. I just, I get embarrassed about the past. You know, you're like, oh God, it's so gay. I'm glad that I never succumbed to the all time. Got bowings, it's fucking righteous though. Work, because I could have fallen into this.

I didn't, but I could have fallen into the absolute most embarrassing tattoo for a man. Barbed wire? Yes. Yeah. That one's, because that's so Florida. It's very Florida. And I was in, don't forget, I was in Florida in high school with, you know, with juice heads and like.

Garbage. Yeah, and white trash and football players. And it's like, guys who were built like that had them. So you're like, maybe that's cool. Like maybe that's what I should be aspiring to get. Of course. And then I have a cousin with one. A guy?

Yeah. He has one. And like, and now he's like in his fifties and you're like, cool tat. Well, the barbed wire. It's, it is, it is the mark of like you're, you almost can't not be a douchebag. I know. You have to go like, if you've become a better person, you have to remove it. You know what I mean?

Like you have to, you have to have it removed. It's so awful. But it was so cool. Well, it looked cool as shit. It was so cool when it came out. When you're 15, like you're a 15 year old boy and you see a kid like a few years older and he's got barbed wire. It was really cool.

Fuck yeah, man. Because of badass, you know, then it just, it just all went downhill and just all fell apart. Because I remember, what's her name? Pamela Anderson. Remember she played the character Barb wire and I thought, oh, that's the name of the character? Yeah. Google it was a movie she did called Barb wire and she had the tattoo and I was like, that's dope.

Like she looks dope. And she was dating Tommy Lee. Yeah. And she was like, I mean, look how cool she looks. You know what the thing is about it? I think if we're really being honest about it is that if you're like the amongst the first few guys to do that, like if it didn't become a trend, it probably remains a pretty badass thing, right?

Like if you're the first guy that goes, I want Barb wire around my bicep. That's like, oh, that's probably what, like that is a cool thing. It's like the guy who put the lock chain around his neck, right? But once it picks up, it's like when a song is cool and then it's not cool because once your your mom knows how to do the dance to it, you're like, that's not a cool song to her, right? So it's probably that was that it just became too widespread. Yes. Too many people and then, you know, douchebags start to do it.

So then it, it takes away whatever cool points it had, you know? I agree. The douchebag uniform back in that era, it was the Barb wire tattoo, the puka shell necklace. Remember when everyone was wearing like the shell necklace? Yeah. So gay. So gay. And then Tivas.

You had to wear Tivas to comp to completely polish off the douchebag look. Personally, I was always on the back of a John Deere and I never really. Salt of the earth. Yeah. I was usually doing yard work. Yeah. I don't really know. Well, in the lawns, praying to God, praying to Jesus.

Anyway, please keep sending in your trams stamps. I cannot, I couldn't love this more and I'm thinking that we should give the winner, if they want it, I guess, a removal, right? Oh my God. I mean, I would like to and maybe the, does the audience vote or something? Like, how do we determine? I mean, a removal, if you want it removed. That's true.

Maybe they don't. I mean, butt wings is hands down, like. Here's my sense. I like that one. And Chad, you tell me if I'm wrong. That's horrible. My sense is that your sister Ali would never have it removed. No.

I don't think she would. Yeah. No, it's part of her now. It's part of her story. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. There's people like, she's in it. She's like, she's the real deal because she's got good ones too.

It's not like she's got the one person who wants it removed is the person who has one bad one. Like just one tattoo that sucks. But if you actually have some cool ones, you're like, here's my shitty one. Here's my first few. If anything, she'd add to it or like, yeah. Yeah. Well, you know what I really enjoy actually, or my scars. I love scars.

I don't mind my scars. Yeah. I think those are cool because those really do tell a story of your life. Like that's why I fell down. This is surgery. This is whatever. Getting too drunk at all. Palooza and like, those are fun.

Yeah. But this, this dumb shit I did to myself, bro. Like that's why I feel so fucking stupid. Yeah. Hey, live, laugh, love. What else can you do? 00:55:00,240 --> 00:55:01,680 And that's a good tattoo as well.

That if you have a live, laugh, laugh tattoo, I'll just tell you right now. The contest is over. You do win. You win whatever you fucking want. I love Alaska too. Alaska's incredible. Incredible. It's so big.

Because you see like how as a dude, like he should never get that removed. No, that's rad. But if she, if that were a woman, I would actually reach out and be like, look, I'm really, I know you, you've made a huge mistake and I want to help you. You know what I mean? Like it's so different between the genders. Babe, what would you, what would you've done if we started dating and you're so, you're super into me?

I take my clothes off and it's just Cali. Cali vibes. I would know something's really wrong. Yeah. I really, I would have told my friends. I was like, I was with a fucking lunatic last night. And like, you know, I like her and stuff. But I would, I would think that it suggests so much that I don't know that I,

I think I just would have been like, this is pretty. Like it's too dark. The past is way deep. Like to get that, like to have huge Cali tattoo across your back. I'd be like, man. Or like, like the LA. She's so troubled. Yeah.

Like the Estevan Oriole, like gangbanger fingers. Maybe I try it. Maybe like for God, I love that. Maybe for like a month. I'm like, I'm with this fucking real street walker. You know, it's like, it's kind of. I might get the Estevan Oriole LA. I like that.

Where on your hand? My tramp stamp to cover. Oh, to cover. Maybe if I could. I love his, the LA fingers so much. Yeah. Estevan. Yeah.

Estevan. I love your LA fingers, Brew. Yeah. I tried to buy a Prince, but they sold out so fast. It's so good. And I even, I like the drawing of it. And I get, I get the hats. He made that a thing.

He took a photograph of these, this girl. Yeah. And he put it on, you know, t-shirts and it was a famous photo. He's a famous photographer. Yeah. We have a, I just bought a print of his of LA to her house. We also have her hand. He's in the mural.

Oh yeah, you're in my mural. Yeah. I know. Oh, I love him. Yeah, no, very cool. He's to me just such a part of that city. Anyway, I have an eye mask update. Wow.

Big time. The bougiest thing a person can. And he's got my back on this. Personally, as a tractor guy, I've never tried it. But tell me about it. Back on the farm. Yeah. When you slept on a bale of hay.

Well, the thing is, when the sun comes out, we know it's time to get up. You know what I mean? Yeah, do work. That's right. Yeah. You can sleep in. I know it's time to milk them chicken.

Go ahead. So I purchased a pair on Amazon that I thought were pretty highfalutin. I spent $15 and they're like cups that go over your eyes so that they don't moisturize in. Bro, okay, I like the darkness that they provided. However, around two in the morning, I woke up and my fucking eyelids were sweating.

Yeah. And if you remember. My fucking eyelids. If you do recall, we can go to the tape. We can go to the tape. I told you they sell cooling sleep masks. It's exactly for this purpose because some people, just the fabric alone.

I sweat. Makes them, yeah. I sweat. Too warm. Yeah. There's a cooling gel. So it stays nice and cool. But let me ask you this.

The whole fucking night. But let me ask you this. Can you kick my ass? What? Is that, bro, if it's cooling ice gel homie, then once that cooling gel stops being cool, is the plastic going to sweat? Is it, is the plastic, because it's plastic, no?

No, no, no. You're not going to feel plastic on your face. The cooling gel is within a fabric that is comfortable to feel on your face. Okay. It's a cloth-like fabric, yeah. Okay. And are you familiar with this?

Do you do this? Do I know the brand's off hand? No. I'm asking you, do you do cooling gel? I've had them. I've had them. The one that I, you got me recently is the weighted one. Yeah.

And that's currently my favorite. And it- Do you tie it on your head? Like a ninja? I just lay it over my face. And you lay it on your back? Yeah. And then it just falls off naturally throughout the night.

Oh, you can get one that straps on your head, bro. Yeah, you can. Cool. Oh, maybe that's what I get. That's what you need. Okay. But I have so many stupid questions already. But if it's weighted, do I have to tie it tightly around my head?

No, you don't have to tie it tightly. And then it'll fall down if it's weighted. If it's heavy, it'll fall down. No, I thought you wanted the cooling one. Yeah. The cooling one, it's just strapped. So it's just like a regular sleep mask. You just put it on and you won't feel warm on your face.

Yeah, because I woke up and my eyelids were sweating, which I didn't even think was possible. Yeah, I know. But this is, I promise you- It's like an infection, you know. I promise you this will work out. Oh, there's similar to your- The Alcada one.

Yeah. Yeah. You look like you're being captured by the Taliban. I know, I know. So I'm going to look into this further. It is a part of my new fancy lifestyle. Yeah. I do feel a little like a douchebag buying one.

I do feel like it's like one of those really unnecessary things. I think you're out of your fucking mind. But you know what I did get? That it's changed my life, homie. What? What? You know what the fuck I'm going to talk about? What did I show you last night that I was really stoked about?

Yeah, your clock. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's- It's really good. Okay. No, not just okay. It's a clock that fucking lights up different colors, homie.

It has different meditations and shit. And you think a sleep mask is bougie. Okay. I have a clock that changes lights and tells me message. It's on Amazon. Okay, I know. And it makes a sound like a baby. No, it's cool.

But it makes rain sounds. Here's the thing. This is what I'm saying. This is the point I'd like to make. Sure, your honor. Sleep is so important. It is so- You can never give enough credit or importance to what sleep does to you, your quality of life,

the length of your life, the health of your life, that anything you do to sleep better. Whether it's a mattress, a mattress cover, the sheets, the pillows, covering your eyes, noise you hear, clocks, whatever you do to make your sleep the best is worth it. There is nothing that's silly about making a purchase that helps anybody sleep better. That's how important sleep is. I agree. I agree with you. Okay, so I think it's fantastic that you bought that because it helps you sleep.

May I say why I feel- May I just elaborate and I thought about why? 01:01:57,920 --> 01:02:02,080 It's because in all the movies, it's always some bougie white blonde. 01:02:02,080 --> 01:02:03,840 It's like Kate Hudson who's like, I got a mask on. Like do her voice?

I got a mask. I got a mask on. Yeah, it's always that girl. She's always like the bitch in the movie. Like, I got a mask on. Wack me. Yeah, yeah. And it has like princess on the thing.

So I'm always like, ew, is that who wears? I'm not in that. I don't want to be that. Yeah, but don't get a princess one. Just get one that says like easy E had AIDS or something. Oh, I like that one. And then they make that one, but I think you could probably- Or it, but-

That's kind of cool. You know, yeah, you should always do anything that helps your sleep life. Everybody should. Sleep life. Yeah, yeah, sleep life. There you go. Let's tell you. I don't think you might bring back this tramp stamp.

Tramp stamp. I'm thinking about bringing it back. Sleep is underrated, just like weather is. I'm sorry? Weather is underrated when people are like, oh, you know, it's just whatever. It's cool. It's like, no, no, that's underrated. It's whether dictates the way you-

Live. Approach the day. Your whole like, yeah, if you live somewhere with great weather, that you should talk about it every fucking day. It's amazing that you get that. I know. And when you do things that help you sleep well, it's like that's your, you're, you're now a 1% or you're in 1% of the people that actually have done the

things to maximize something that's going to change the complete quality of your life. Do whatever you need to do to sleep better. So you're saying I have permission to buy a nice sleep mask, Tom? Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. Thank you. Go for it.

Thank you. Go for it. Get as many sleep masks as you want. Thank you. For sure. Thank you. One time, I think not too long ago, as we were, you were falling asleep. I was still awake.

I actually woke you up and you were like, what? I go, I just had this realization. Oh my God. And you go, I forgot about this. I blocked this out. I go, I just realized how much my dad really liked Big Tit. And you're like, thank you for telling me that. And I go, no, but I put together why I made the realization and why it's different than me.

Because to him, there was specifics in what he liked about tits. And to me, I don't care. In other words, I can appreciate, if you go, this lady has Big Tit. I'm like, that's cool. This lady has mid-sized tits, cool. This lady has really small tits. I don't care. I've been with women with all different sizes.

Hungry tits, sloppy tits. It doesn't actually affect me one way or another. And I had that realization that, man, my dad really liked Big Tit. And I woke you up to tell you that. You did. Because he would, I realized how much he would talk about it. Oh, he loved talking about your mother's tits. And just Big Tits.

And if he saw Big Tits, he would always hit me. And he'd be like, look at those Big Tits. And I'd be like, yeah. And he talked about cleavage. I like cleavage. And so what I realize is that if you're specific about something like that, that's when it's important to you. But I don't have the specific need in order to feel excited.

That's my point. So, but then you're on it. So all these years later, is when I realized I'm not an actual tit guy. I was just going to say that. Therefore, all this adds up to. I'm not a tit guy. So what are you?

That's all I have. Listen, in terms of what I have to offer. No, no, here's the thing. All I have are tits. The other, the ass is not there. I don't have gray legs. I don't have gray anything. Is that I'm actually.

This is really bad for us, babe. No, it's not. What I'm saying is I'm the guy who goes, I'm happy with any type of tit. So I'm actually like more of like a man of the people when it comes to tits. The John Deere of tit lovers. Yeah, I'm very much. I'm a noble tit lover.

There's a pat on the back. Yeah. You love all sizes. Because here's the thing. If what I realized was like when I was, when I had been with midsize and I never was like, this is a. I wish I could have different. I wish they were different.

I was always just like thrilled to be there, happy with what it was. It never swayed me one way or the other. Interesting, because with penis, I often, there was one that I was like, I don't know. I'm just not into the shape and the size at all. Well, that makes sense. And I was like, but then maybe I'm not a dick lover. Maybe I'm not a lover of all dicks.

Right. Okay. I don't know. You, because what you're telling me. I do think that there's a little difference in that the penis size has a direct connection to not just arousal, but to the actual function of intercourse. Correct, correct, correct, correct. No, no, no.

Press are, you don't need them to actually function in intercourse. They're just aesthetics, right? But like what I'm really getting at is, man, my dad loves some big tits. And I think it's really cool that you know what made his dick hard. There's nothing better than knowing what arouses your father. Yeah, it's really so important. Every kid should know what turns his dad on. Absolutely.

And in detail, too. In detail, yeah. He liked big bushes. And as I got older, it was so wonderful to hear more and more, you know. Because that's when he saw you as a friend and not as a son anymore. Yes, and I'm glad that release was given to me. Heard about bushes and just out of nowhere, you know, I went out with this gal, Sally. And she could, he loved the, it's overdone when he goes,

she could suck a golf ball through a garden hose. And I was like, very cool. So you also learned how hard. You want the club sandwich? What do you want to get here? And you got to learn that your dad enjoys blowjobs and vigorous ones, too. Which is really neat. That was cool to learn.

Yeah, it was really neat. It was neat. That is so gross to know what made your dad. Yeah, but he never let too much time go by without reminding me about the tits. Yeah, he was always, he even did it in front of me. You know what I like about him? Because cleavage, I like cleavage. Cleavage was big in my day.

Okay, because he would tell me how, you know, society, culturally, things shifted. We're now, I mean, now you open your phone and you can just, on Instagram, see a girl, you can see the outline of her cooch, right? So things have obviously gone, you know, pretty dramatically another way. But in his day, right, a kid who was born in the 40s, this means that you're growing, like you're a teen in like the late 50s or the 60s. Oh my God. When you saw just cleavage, in other words, just the outline, the shape of breath,

the tease of that there's breasts here, that to him was just the most exciting thing. So he still talks, he would just bring up how much he'd love cleavage. And I would always say, as your son, thank you for telling me. Thank you for letting me know that. It's cool. And then would you share what made your dick hard? Nope. I would never.

Like, really, Dad? Well, what I like is a little nipple. Well, first of all, I know what he would say. If I would have told him what turns me on, he would go, yeah, I'm not really in that. That would have been the conversation and I don't want to have that. I never wanted to have that conversation. Yeah.

You know what makes me come, Dad? But that's what you got to do now. You got to let your parents know because you got to be out and proud. But I do recall, as I recall, your mother, one time, asked me to take her bra shopping when she came to visit and I had her properly fitted for a bra. Your dad was so upset with me, remember? He was never mad at me that one time. He was mad at me because I messed with his tit show.

Yeah. And he said, I like it that your mother walks around with her hangers out and I ruined for him. And he said that to me. Basically, you ruined my tit show, tit parade. I like it when your mother's tits are hanging out, dangling out. That's what he enjoyed and I robbed him of that. Kind of like her tits.

He was really turned on by your mother's tits. Like really into him. That's what did it for him. I was 43 when I came to the realization that I'm not a tit guy. Pretty cool. Not dedicated. Like, in other words, it's not the thing, right? It's not the thing.

It's not your big thing. He was that guy. I wish I would have said it at his memorial service. I always wish. I always thought that would have been like, I mean, I know that's the comic in me, but I just thought it would have been something if everybody was like, that's his son. And I'd be like, you know, my father, he really loved big tits.

And you just see people go like, what are you doing? I'm like, what? He told me all the time. But the people who knew him would be like, that's true. It's true. He really did. All the time. That was, that's Tom.

That's Tom. Tom's a girl. Like big tits. And that ain't no shit. And that ain't no shit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Did you ever hear a cool thing that turned your dad on? No, I mean, God. I, so where do I begin? I've talked about this somewhere my mom's at. What was really neat about my upbringing is that there was always a playboy magazine in the bathroom from the time I was like seven. That's good. Good for a girl.

That's super cool. And then hyper sexual area. Yeah. Like we had naked lady wallpaper in the bathroom. So I remember taking a shit and like, this is before cell phones. You know, you just look at like shampoo bottles when you take a shit. Yeah. And what was cool for me is I could take a dump and then look at like adult women nude

in like a menagerie of naked lady wallpaper. I remember that 70s, like horrible, like kind of like this, but naked ladies. There was a Rubik's Cube in my dad's bar area that each side was a different naked woman. And as a kid, it's very conflicting for me because I'm like, oh, Rubik's Cube, that's not for me. You know, like quickly traumatized by the naked chicks. I think he liked tits. I'm going to say he's a tit guy.

Oh, wait a minute. Because my mom had big ones. My stepmom didn't. My new mom, I don't know. Because, you know, she's. I guess she doesn't. Jesus. But yeah.

Go to the Philippines. When you are sick of being told you're not good enough. What about you, Nadav? You had a cool dad. Yeah, your dad tell you. You ever learned some cool sexual things you liked? That's a telling sigh. Yeah, there was one time where he just casually mentioned.

He was just like, you know, I really like butt fucking. Do you ever, do you like anal sex? And I'm like, I don't want to talk about this. I don't want to talk about this. And then after him and my mom divorced, my dad all of a sudden started taking yoga. Oh, yeah. And then he was telling us like, took another one down this week, Nadav. Oh my God.

Like just took down his entire yoga class. And then once he finished, he was not interested in yoga anymore. Holy shit. He must have had some real game, though, to pull that off, right? Oh, he was very likable. He's a very, very charming dude. Yeah. Ew, I have a memory.

So, okay. So my dad would go to Club Med, which in its origins was a French swingers club. That's how Club Med started. It was literally 50 people on a beach, like the movie, The Beach. You go to like a private area. It's limited to like 50 or 75 people and you fuck all week long. And then Club Med later became a family brand. Now it is a family brand.

But early in its inception was that. It's the French. It's the French. It's a French club. And so by the time I was like 11, 10 around there, my dad would take me to Club Med with him. And that's when it was halfway for adults, halfway to family. So I was still dancing with sailors and naked French people and it was completely inappropriate. So one time my dad went to Martinique, which was notorious for being like the fuck club.

Yeah. You fuck hard. You go to the Martinique Club Med to fuck because it's an adults-only Club Med. And I remember when I was in the DR with him, I was 20 years old and I was like, remember when you used to go to Club Med like in the day, Bru? And I'm talking like peak AIDS time too. Like let's be real, like the mid-80s. You know what I mean?

And he's like, yeah, yeah. I go like, how many women did you sleep with? Like just roughly. He's like, maybe two or three a day. And I was like, whoa. So I know how much, I mean, I know what makes my dad's dick hard, but I know that my dad's dick was hard. All the time. All the time.

So that's kind of cool. That's very cool. It's very cool to know that. Basically, it's what doesn't make my dad's dick hard would be the surprising factor. That's very cool. It's a lot. Yeah. Two to three a day.

I mean, we were shocked by that girl's video that we watched where she gives us like the year in recap of how many guys and women she's been with and how she met them. The fucking saddest I've been in a while. I don't know what like that make that video really affected you. Yeah, I think it shifted from humor to total sadness for me. And why is that? I don't know. I think there was like, it's what also makes like, you can argue that it's funny and also

sad. It's that like, there was like at first, I think it was that when it kept going and I was like. You mean she has like the three different screen. There was a PowerPoint presentation. Yeah, three different, yeah. And I think you can just, I think you go, man, this person has like, the older you get, you just, I think you start to see things a little differently, right? And you go, man, she's got like something that she's not addressing inside of her to do this.

And like, well, at first I was like, this is funny. The more it went on, I was like, she was like pretty proud of that. And I'm like, okay, I think this is the kind of thing that, you know, you look back, like she should look back on and be like, that was, there's no doubt in my mind that at some point she would be like, that wasn't a fantastic time in my life, you know, I don't know. Yeah, because I think sex is, I mean, it can be used like anything else. Like any drug, yeah, yeah. It's like someone being like, so this week I drank 19 bottles of gin and that was pretty cool.

I went through 23 bottles of tequila and like, you know, at first you're like, you guys are real animal. And then they keep breaking it down. And then they're like, I puked 16 times. I passed out on the street four times. A couple of people pissed on me while I was on the street. Like it was like that kind of where you're like, the more it's going on, you're like, man. Cool stats.

Yeah. But it's, what's the difference with us nowadays is that people celebrate promiscuity. Like it's now it's like, good for you. Sex positive. Like, I don't know, that borders on not sex positive. I don't, I don't, I think like everybody is entitled to that. I don't really buy the whole, well, the thing is, is that I'm, I just, I was, you know, I grew up in a place where like, I don't view sex the same way.

It's like, I think we're all pretty much biologically designed a certain way. And while some people lean a little more this and that, when it gets to a level, like to that, you're, there's a disconnection come like between you and what you're doing. And like, I don't see it any differently than I would somebody who, like I said, would talk about booze or drugs or any type of excess that is a true excess. You're like, because here's the thing, when you, when you've lived long enough, you know enough people who lived that life. Oh yeah.

And then you see them later. And I can't tell you any of them that were like, I'm so thrilled about that time. You know, what they really wanted was to connect. For sure. They wanted a connection with someone. Oh, for sure. And like, you know, not that, like, I'm not saying that everybody, my thing of feeling is that everyone should be one person.

No. No, of course, you, everybody goes through growth and experimenting and trying things. But, you know, 55 tracking that down for a year. I don't know. I was just like, I'm kind of bummed out watching it. I kind of bummed me out. I, I, yeah. And I agree.

I wasn't proud of her or happy for her. And I don't know, unless it was like, this is my year of fucking. And maybe like, I'm going to try this, this, this hat on for a year and maybe I am. And then after this year, we're going to, we're going to pull back. Yeah. We're just going to, we're going to pull back on this excessive because one a week is, I think a new body a week is, is. It's excessive.

Yeah. I mean, did you feel that way at all? No. Like, how did it affect you? Yeah. Yeah. It was like, it wasn't, it was like, she's having fun right now, but I think she's not going to look back on this and fondly.

Yeah. Well, I will say that every girl that I've been friends with, that was really, really, really super hyper sexual promiscuous back in college and then after college. What happens is they wake up somewhere in their mid to late 30s and they're like, why can't I find a husband? And it's like, well, you've kind of, you kind of shut the door on so many options by like living one way, you know, instead of looking for a husband, you were just looking for fun. And the guys that wanted to get married, the first draft picks, they've all been picked.

Second draft, second rounders, they're gone too. So by the time you're in your late 30s and 40s as a woman and you want to have a baby in the normal life, those guys have already done that. Yeah, I mean. Now you're old. I get what you're saying. I mean, it's important to point out that it's not impossible to find great picks in your late 30s and into your 40s and into your 50s.

Like, you can find all those things. But I think the empty pursuit of the number chasing, the body count chasing that she was on, that's the part where I go, regardless of age, where you're like, I get it for like, like you said, for a minute, like you're, you know, you, you want to experiment, you want to try something. But I think thinking of it as like an endless cycle. You're like, that's kind of, it's empty. Because at the end of the day, like, if you look at somebody like my father, he ended up

married a few times. Yeah. Like they ultimately want. But that whole one person. It's never, but it's like him as an example, that it's never been fulfilled. It's never going to fail. Yeah. Because he's not like, that's the thing.

Somebody who does that. This is really, I guess what I'm trying to say. Somebody who does that, you know, after you've hit a certain age and you've lived a certain life, you know that they're not addressing something. An issue. An issue inside of it. Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

That's where the sadness comes from. Yeah. Like with him and with people that I've met, is that they go like, oh, yeah, I'm, I'm not, I'm not addressing something. Yeah, for sure. For sure. Yeah. And a lot of times they end up these like older, older guys or ladies and they're like,

I'm alone. I'm sad. And I, I never addressed this issue. I never addressed the issue. And now it's an aspect. Look, for women, it is a biological issue to having kids. There is a time window. So.

Very quickly, because I know we have to wrap this up. 01:23:29,520 --> 01:23:32,960 I found something as, and here's my, I guess this is my Valentine's gift to you. Okay. So just if you would look at the screen. I'm excited. I'm more amazed by the jump. The jump was cool.

I mean to fought to land on your feet like that's all she's got. No. Look at her smile. I love her. Look how happy she is. I love farts and poopies. Yeah. As it makes me laugh.

I'm so blessed. Hold on. Ah, she's one of those chicks. And I knew two things. I knew this would make you happy and I knew it would turn any on. I knew it. I knew he was like, what's her number? Do you know who she is?

So her name is, she goes by Stinky Lily V, I think. Yeah. She's a lady after in my heart. Yeah, I knew it. I knew you would enjoy this. So happy Valentine's Day. Happy Valentine's Day, baby. That was a beautiful present.

Thank you. All right, we got to wrap it up. I love it. We'll see you next time. What's for dinner? What's for dinner? Are you a big, big, big potato animal? Hey, you big, big, big, big, big, big.

Are you a big, big, big, big potato animal? How many are you? Big to the big to the big to the big to the big to the big to the big to the big to the big to the big to the big to the be big to the big to the big to the big to the big to the big to the big to you You fuc-or So that was great

So, that was great So, that was great So that was great So, that was great So, that was great