Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809

Episode Date: May 7, 2025

Get tickets for Tom’s Come Together Tour at https://tomsegura.com/tour SPONSORS: Try Tastemade+ free for 7 days right now at https://tastemade.com/YMH Make life easier by getting harder and discover your options at https://BlueChew.com! Try your first month of BlueChew FREE when you use promo code YMH -- just pay $5 shipping. Get $80 off your first month with promo code SPACE80 at https://Talkspace.com Hey Jeans! This week on Your Mom’s House, Tom and Christina kick things off with some good old fashioned white woman cringe. From Fergie massacring the national anthem to Kim Cattrall scatting, we've got a gauntlet of embarrassing singing in public for you to enjoy. Tom then opens the show with a clip of a wild mattress flip, before the Main Mommies get an update from Tony Johns, whose recent stint behind bars has put his Vegas plans on hold. They then speculate on what King Ass Ripper, the cool guy who got away, has been up to. The two also talk about learning to speak mother tongues, black dudes not being amused by gay stuff, a vision update, buckets of brown, Enny thoughts, plus some horrible or hilarious clips, and a Vietnamese hair salon with a questionable name. Don't forget to check your b holes for sores! Your Mom’s House Ep. 809 https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://christinap.com/https://store.ymhstudios.comhttps://www.reddit.com/r/yourmomshousepodcast Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:02:00 - Fergie's Greatest Hits 00:05:56 - Clip: Kim Cattrall Scatting 00:08:17 - Clip: Big Jessica Simpson Energy 00:09:32 - Opening Clip: Bed Flip 00:14:45 - Tony Johns Is Locked Up 00:22:46 - Mother Tongue 00:31:18 - The Cool Guy Who Got Away 00:42:38 - Black Dudes Don't Like The Gay Stuff 00:45:37 - Vision Update + Tom's Poo Buckets 00:54:05 - Clip: Sores In Ma B Hole 00:54:50 - A New Challenge 00:59:07 - Enny Thoughts 01:03:46 - Horrible Or Hilarious 01:06:54 - Vietnamese Hair Salon 01:11:08 - Dates 01:12:51 - Closing Song - "Fart Mic Assassins" by Brothers & Hendawg Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Get ready, Moline, Illinois. I'll be at the Vibrant Arena this Thursday, May 8th, during my Come Together Tour. And due to demand, I've also recently added a second show in Akron, Ohio on Sunday, September 7th at Akron Civic Theater. Get tickets now at tomscura.com slash tour. Welcome, welcome to your mom's house.

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That girl I tell you she really if anything she's got chutzpah I don't know if you remember the good morning America performance where she did cartwheel after cartwheel after cartwheel Can you find that real quick, Josh? It was so alarming that it has made a repass on the meme circuit. Cause it, this happened to what a decade ago. And look, here it is. Again, she goes in for seconds The the the

If you don't remember she did the national anthem Oh boy, and the some of the players were laughing during her national anthem. That's cool. So, and then like her, I think it was her husband at the time or her boyfriend. Yeah, like if you see them breaking during the national anthem, shit that's got 29 million views. Hold on, and it's like the military people are breaking?

No, no, the players. Oh okay, I was gonna say what I usually. Because if you watch that, if you can hit it. So she's doing it, like there's guys, you know, the players all just kind of like, usually you stand there, kind of look down and you can start to see their faces. So they're like looking around like, they're like, huh, that's interesting.

And then I think you see Draymond Green look down and smile because he's laughing at the performance. It's got to be rough. Yeah. There's Kyrie. And it's the national anthem. It's hard to... It's the All-Star game.

He's got a little smirk on his face. LeBron. Yeah, LeBron knows. He's like, hmm. Curry's reaction is one of the funniest on this shit. Yeah. There's Draymond. He's about to break.

So she got clowned, right? Really hard. My palms are sweating for her right now. I'm so embarrassed. Then who was she married to or is she married to? Orlando Bloom. No, that's not. That's Katy Perry. Oh, sorry. That's a different town. Yeah, that hip. Josh, Josh. Duh-mel. Duh-mel, yeah. Duh-hemel.

So he at the time was with her, I guess. It looks like they're not married anymore. And when people were clowning it, he got fucking pissed, right? As her husband. Yeah. At the players. Like he was just like, fuck you, man, to to some of these guys like you guys are dickheads and then this this remix came out okay the because when was that it's 18 yeah there they were split in

19 so the remix came out and then the players, the players were listening to it, listening to that mix in the locker room. Oh shit. Post game. That's amazing. Oh shit. It's amazing. Oh, it's so fun. And this is how, that's how, by the way, that's how you win any, any like battle like that is like just having a laugh. So they didn't say shit back to him. They're just danced They're like hey we didn't make we didn't have you ever seen and by the way

There's there's a couple things that stick out in my memory in life that I play on repeat. Yeah It's Kim Cattrell. We've played it on this show before, and she goes, my husband and I like to play the bass, and I scat along. Oh my god. It's her ret, oh my god. Please, this is- Plays the upright bass. Yamake piebo, sedere faquebo,

in da latin equos, eugen, savus arete! Well, he bit all the yee dogs and winked at all the she dogs. The town never knew such a hullabaloo and a little dog raised till the end of that day. Here's what I really take from this though. Do whatever you want. You don't have to share it. No. Keep your hobbies quiet. That's what you, like, you should keep this as private as whatever you want. You don't have to share it. No. Keep your hobbies quiet.

That's what you like. You should keep this as private as your sex life. Yeah. This could just be between you guys. Scatting pot of beret. It's that that always. You know what I also do. I piss in his mouth and he gargles with it. Like yeah, we don't even see it. Zappa dabba dibba, pot of beret. I can't take, it's the pot of beret that sticks in my mind. Oh, what do those comments say about that? You know, I'm sure she's lovely and I think she's nice and stuff. I Just pray that the he dogs are okay. I come back to this every few years just to remind myself I'm sweating. Yeah, see this is the sort of thing that you never allow someone to witness or film

See, this is the sort of thing that you never allow someone to witness or film, exactly. Fuck, dude. Yeah. Pot of beret, okay. That probably happened at the height of her fame, where you're like, oh, everything that I do is pretty cool. Cause I'm famous. That and then some magazine

or somebody wants to do a piece on you. I am responsible for at least a hundred thousand of these views. That's how I feel. But then they go, why don't we come to your house and film you and your husband? And that's when we go, no. Do that. You know how you were saying how he plays the upright bass and you scat along? We kind of want to film that.

No. The answer is no. That video and then that and Jessica Simpson singing along with Jewel. Please find this. Have you seen this? You think Fergie was off. Wait until you see this one. This one sticks in my brain too and this happened about a decade ago as well. But when I think I've embarrassed myself, there's Jewel. That's her style. Where the homeless have their homes. So if rain is manning different gods as their flowers, we call the bitch our friend.

Ay, yi, yi. Cause here's the deal. I'm not shedding on them. I can see myself doing it. Can you see yourself? I see myself being like, I could sing with Jewel. Let me try singing with Jewel.

And then you slip into her style, even though it's not your style and you're trying. Oh, fuck, I'm sweating. Yeah, it's tough. Okay, Christina, you wanna sing the national anthem? No. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's play some basketball.

Pot of Beret. That's the one that gets me in my sleep. I wake up in the middle of the night going, pot of beret! You ready? I'm ready. Here's your opening clip. Oh, we didn't even do that? Nope.

Shit. I'm looking at your fucking door right here. Y'all fathers are already all broke up. Y'all fucks got their tail ring on. Oh! Oh! This is a big time! What was wrong? That's the part you like. I know. Welcome to your mom's house. I know you, that's the part you like the most Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I got real fucking mental problems. She's like, this actually hurts. You flipped me over on a bed. Okay, you know what bothers me the most

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Try your first month of BlueChu free when you use the promo code YMH, just pay $5 shipping. That's promo code YMH. Visit BlueChu.com for more details and important safety information And we thank blue chew for sponsoring the podcast It's pretty real question is what did that dumb bitch do to make him so mad it was something about his phone, right? Cuz he was like, where's my phone isn't how it started. He was like, where's my phone? Your phone was already off. Oh fuck.

Your phone was already off. Oh. That is delayed. Yeah, you're right. Yeah, she should have made noise a few seconds earlier. Way quicker, yeah. But first of all, in her defense, men can't find shit. That's true.

Ever. And she's probably like, dude, come on, we're gonna do this, I'm laying down. You're bothering me Just like last night. I was comfortable. I had the cat on my lap. I'm a heating pad on okay When you're mo and where was it it was on my side? But you could have looked I told you to look there okay, all right, okay, that's true It's true. So we have like kind of breaking news. I don't know if people know this we got it kind of Well, there's so much. Yeah, there's so much first. I should just remind people that bad thoughts comes out on Netflix next week

Tuesday the 13th you can set your reminders now. You can actually turn it on the reminder if you if you go through it It's already on the platform Please check it out. Hey, very very excited Okay, that being said, this is a YMH exclusive. YMH exclusive. YMH exclusive. About a week ago, Tony John should have been in Las Vegas

shooting his first adult scene with the great Alexis Fox. That did not happen. And it's very, very disappointing because Tony John is back in jail. Well, hold on, but back it up. We told him, like, all he has to do... All you gotta do is stay out of trouble. Just stay out of jail.

And he was like, I got you. I got you. You know, I said, are you gonna do that? Can you stay out of trouble. And he was like, I got you. I got you. You know? I said, are you going to do that? Can you stay out of trouble? And he was like, you know, like dead ass though. I can. And dead ass. Then I got the update. Guess what?

Did not, not only did not stay out of trouble, is in all kinds of trouble. No. He's in jail, man. Well, is it land? I don't know what it's related to. Is it landmower? This, as far as I know, isn't it related to, like, a family dispute now?

No. Yep. Yeah, he went and, like, fought his uncle or something. Oh. What's the origin of that fight? Um, I think, you know, they've had, like, an ongoing beef for a while, and there was, like, a restraining order, and I guess he, like like challenged him to a fight

and Tony showed up with like boxing gloves and that's kind of all we really know. And then he was in jail after that. He showed up with boxing gloves. Yeah, I think he was like documenting it along the way. Like I got my boxing gloves going over to meet him. You don't show up. To your uncle too.

Yeah. No, he can't. I wonder who won the fight. Do we know that? That's most important. I mean, Tony's in jail, so who knows? Who knows? Well, here's the update.

He has called us, he has left us a message from jail? Yeah, it's a voice message. You ready? I haven't heard it, I have no idea what it is. Neither have I. I'm excited, here we go. Hey, what's going on everybody? All my fans, I just wanna say this is the ladies man,

Tony Michael Jones, a worker. I am doing great in here. I'm eating good, I'm living good, I'm sleeping good, I'm living it up. All the CEOs love me and I just want to say to all my fans, I just want to say I appreciate all the respect, all the love. And I love you guys so much. This is just a little setback and when I get out I'm very very very excited to do the to do the shoot

with the Lexus out in Vegas so let's go baby come on let's go and you know be ready Alexis because you know sweetie when I get out of here I can't wait to give it to you sweetie you know on film everything's we are so I just want to say I'm doing good I'm eating good CEOs love me I'm living it up man even though I'm locked up I'm living it up you know I'm getting double portions on my on my meals breakfast lunch and dinner I'm living it up. And I love my fans, and I'm just livin' it up. Let's go. Woo, let's go.

I mean, look, I don't think you could have a better outlook on things. No. I mean, for the way that most people react when they're in jail, this is as good as it gets. He's so positive and resilient. That's what I'm saying. And I hate to say this, but I, dare I say, he likes being in prison.

I think he likes jail. And I think, I think this is a real lesson to all our fans in jail, is that it's all about perspective, man. If you're like, ugh, this sucks. Attitude. And then, yeah, your attitude sucks, then it does suck. But if you're like, man, I'm living it up, people like me, I get double portions, I'm sleeping good,

I'm having a great time, then doing time's not so bad. Not so bad. And also, I thought that Sex Worker would be his only gig that he'd be really good at. Turns out, prison inmate too. Yeah, inmate, he's a good inmate. Inmate or sex worker, those are his two. Maybe like the ideal inmate, you know? Like he's the one who the warden's gonna be like, you guys, this is who we inmate. Inmate or sex worker. Maybe like the ideal inmate. Yeah.

Like he's the one who the warden's gonna be like, you guys, this is who we're trying to get you to be like. Yep. Wow. Yeah, I mean, wow, that is something. I mean. And he's fired up to shoot his scene and he's, you know, he's really,

he's got a good outlook on things. Well, now he does have a reason to try to get out of jail. Like he's got a goal to try to get out of jail. Like, he's got a goal to work towards, which is nice. Did you have any idea how long he's gonna be in? I think his court date's coming up in like a week or two, and then hopefully he'll get out, but we'll see how that goes.

Right, because he might have to bail out still, right? Yeah. Yeah. Well, he did violate a restraining order against his uncle, and then he documented it, and showed up with boxing gloves Not a smart idea. I mean the judge is not going to be like that was good idea Yeah, you know what also is interesting is to be to have this perspective One might actually think it's directly correlated to one's intelligence

You know, no. Yeah, what are you talking about? Well, there's kind of this bell curve for for iq No. Yeah. What are you talking about? Well, there's kind of this bell curve for IQ. And it could be that somebody on either side of this either tells themself you need to change your perspective and they're on the right side of the curve or that some people that on the left side of that curve just go, this isn't that bad. This isn't that bad? Yeah.

Mm-hmm. You know what I mean? Well, look, Tom, there are a lot of gentlemen and some women who prefer life on the inside because it is consistent. There is some discipline. There is some structure to their day-to-day existence. Now, the one thing he's gonna run into is there's no women. That's a problem. But he also, he opened his

third eye to the possibilities of that being a cool thing too. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. This is, I'm disappointed because we did tee him up. We were all set. Now, here's the other person that was all set, Alexis Fox. Alexis, who is an adult superstar, was ready to introduce Tony into that world by having his debut scene be with her, which is the best case scenario, right? Like you're really gonna be with a big time performer here. And that legitimizes him in that field.

Well, she had a set, like a place to shoot the scene, all ready to go, because we were going with, ironically, it was gonna be a jail scene. Oh, wow. Right? So she got the set, it was all set to go, then she gets word, Tony's not available. Well, she's already paid to use, like reserve the set,

so she decided to use the set anyway, and gave us a shout out from the set. And she was like, this is dedicated to you guys. Um, she went airtight. Wow. Alexis. Congratulations. That's pretty wild. Let's see. There's a gentleman there. Yep. One, two, three. Yep. That's every hole.

That's every hole. Don't drop the soap. it says in the background. Oh, that's cool. Yeah. That could have been Tony. That could have been, well, he could have been one of them. Yeah, that's too bad that he missed out on this because it looks like they're having fun.

That definitely looks like a good time. It's a good shot. You can see everything happening. Yeah, and so I'm sure if we sent this to Tony, he'd be like, shit, I gotta get out of here. Yeah. I gotta be one of these guys to Tony, he'd be like, shit, I gotta get out of here. Yeah. I gotta be one of these guys. Maybe he could hang this in his cell.

Yeah. You know, it's like sometimes they put pinups there and that could be his. I don't know if you can DM him or not, but that would be maybe motivation. Pretty cool. Yeah. Thank you, Alexis.

That's really sweet of you to send that along. You know, I've been working on my Itlian for quite a while now. Yes. I need to shout out to my tutor again because that's very helpful. You've been actually consistently with your tutor in Hungarian.

That's right, I've been relearning my mother tongue. And it's such a beautiful language. And we have this clip here from, I guess, a website. Oh, oh, I thought this is the thing I... Yeah, you sent in, like it's a little... Yes, so my tutor taught me this word and I wanted to share it with the entire universe because it's so fun. Yeah, let's share it.

Let's share the word and then you can tell us what it means. I can't say it, but go ahead. I know, but I'll play it and then you tell us what this word means. Ready? Here we go. Perse. And that's slow. Not that word perse. Perse is yes, of course. But that meh gata poshtak tadalitadadadadadadada.

Can you play that again? Yeah, sure. Just so people get that. Okay. Mm-hmm. Okay. Tastelani, hatatlani, mekapos,

tastelani, hatatlani, totoratok. That's one word. That's one word in Hungarian. And it means. I'll tell you, this is the best. So it's based on the dish,

telta, tapos, which is stuffed cabbage. Okay? And what this one word means is that there's so much meat and cabbage in this pot that I am making teletotcaposta in, I cannot fit more cabbage in the pot. That's what that one word means. There's so much meat and cabbage in this pot of teletotcaposta, I

cannot fit more cabbage in the pot. Which means that so many people were running into the issue of I can't fit any more goddamn cabbage in here. And I'd like to express this in a word. In one word. That everybody was like, here's a word. Here's a word that expresses that sentiment. This is a uniquely but universal concept to all of us. So how about mega top of that and then it's like, everyone's like, yeah, I get it. You're fucking cabbage is out of control. Yeah.

Okay. Capos dash. Dala neat. Ha. Meg capo star. Star. Lonnie. Hotline.

Neat. Totter. I talk. That's one. I got so much cabbage. I got too much. Cabbage. Too much cabbage in here.

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That's S-P-A-C-E-8-0. Match with a licensed therapist today at Talkspace.com slash mom, promo code SPACE80. And they opted for this versus saying, I have too much cat. Like it's such a, but it's such a familiar sentiment that they were to go, well, why say the whole sentence? You could just say the word and everybody goes,

this is enough of an issue in Hungarian culture. And I asked my tutor, like, would my parents know this word? And she's like, yeah, of course. Like, what are you stupid? This is people know this word dummy. They'll put it together pretty fucking quick. And I'm like, I can't even I can't even make a bus. It is a real peasant word to tell me, of course, I'm a peasant.

You don't know this by now. This is such a peasant's word. Like, I bet if you if you ran this by your parents, they would be like like, Oh yeah, but they'd be like, yeah, they're fucking villagers. You say this shit when they're making their fucking stuffed garbage. Right. That's the thing too. There's a real distinction in Hungarian culture about villager versus like city folk and even my tutor says it because your stepmom was a kind of a villager.

She was a villager. She, she'd be like, Oh, this was always, do you want to know the name of our town? Which was even sounds like a, like a villager. She was a villager. She'd be like, Oh, this was always. Do you want to know the name of our town? Which was even sounds like a, like a villager. It's called a porost. You say porost, it means like a farmer. It's like a slang word for a villager. Is it kind of have a negative connotation? Like gypsy, a porost and a gypsy like dirt.

Oh, you are a porost. Dirt porost is a villager. Yeah. So she was from a place called Shorokshag, which is like porost central. Yeah, you're from sure. Oh, yeah Fucking villager. Yeah, it's goddamn dirty. No, see. Yeah. Yeah totes gypsies. Yeah, so Yeah, you ever call her a gypsy. No, are you kidding me? Oh my god I one time one Christmas Eve my actually that come in and be like, are you a gypsy?

I'm just seeing her be like what one time my dad on I should have come in and been like, are you a gypsy? Just seeing her be like, what? One time my dad on Christmas Eve came down in like a shiny 90s shirt, and I was about 14 years old, and I go, oh my God, you look like a gigolo. And that was not good. That wasn't good. And I had to run, and I hid in my room, and I was not allowed to come down until the next day.

Christmas Eve I lost out on, because I call my dad a gigolo. And I think it's because it was a little close to the bone as any is listening and laughing right now because it's too close to the bone. He knew it. He knew I fucking knew what was up with him. Yeah.

But you called him a gigolo. They called him, he looked like a gigolo. I probably just learned what that word meant. So if you had called him a gypsy. Even worse, he would backhand straight to the mouth. Yeah, it's it's crazy that I literally have a story like that Same I mean basically the same I'm just gonna tell the same story But that I had the same thing I called my dad a player we were both drunk and I called him a player He let me drink. I was like 16. Yeah, and I was I was like, yeah, cuz you would play it, huh?

And he's just like what would you call me? I was like, a player, like player, like you get game, you know? He's just like, I'm your father. You call me dad or father. That's it. I don't hear no player, no dude, none of that. He got furious. And then I called him dude once. He got mad at that too.

My dad got mad at me for calling him dude once. Really? Yeah. Really? Yeah, and the guy was like, dude, he goes, cut the dude shit. He's like, I'm not fucking dude. the car was like dude he goes cut the dude shit. He's like I'm not fucking dude and I was like alright, okay. Our kids call me dude every day. I'm like yeah, that's right, bro. Yeah, dude, bro. Wow. Wow, that's wild. Yeah, that's crazy that somebody else has that story. I definitely thought that was a unique experience. What's up playboy? What's up playboy?

I think it's like the fuck. Yeah, because any and I on some level knew that they were, you know, that's what they are. Well with your dads, both of those things rang true. Yeah, so that's why they got upset. Because he is a player and your dad is a gigolo. Yeah, and I thought it was a compliment. Well I didn't, I knew. I was like, you look like a fucking gigolo. Yo. Yeah, I wasn't trying to play games. I was like, you know, yeah, you get game.

He's like, what the fuck did you just say? Oh shit, wait. It's a good thing. It's a good thing. You're a player, dog. Yeah, fuck. No, I'm father. But I do think in Hungarian culture,

calling somebody gypsy is like the worst thing. Yeah, that's. That's the lowest of the low. And I'll always remember the first time I went to Budapest, I went to do a show. I'd never been, obviously you're Hungarian. I know, you know, eight words over the years that you taught me, none of them are helpful.

But I got up there on stage and there's like, I don't know, it was like a 300 person venue. Great to be in Budapest. Only thing I don't like are the roja cigans. And they broke into huge applause for rotten gypsies. And then I told my driver the same word. He goes, Oh, he goes, be careful. They kill you for this.

Now they do. Cause when we were in Italy, I noticed too, cause I called them gypsies. And then he's like, no, no, you can't say gypsy no more. You have to say Roma. Yeah, the Roma people. I go, I'm sure the Romans love that. Yeah. Roma.

Roma. Fucking break. Anyway. Anyway. Me capo sta staglienta. Another crazy thing that appeared in my algorithm the other day. And I have the best algorithm on the interwebs

Like I have ruined other people's experiences. Yeah. Yeah, I mean Andrew Agent jeans. He was just like dude. Everything's all fucked up Sickler told me he was like, yeah, he's like, yeah, I don't have fun anymore on here. Everything you sent me changed my whole experience I don't have fun anymore on here. Everything you sent me changed my whole experience. But I'm just scrolling along and usually it's like chaos and destruction and you know, accidents, workplace accidents, car accidents, gunfire killings, all kinds of shit. And then I see some other things

and I just scrolling along and I see this. There he is. That's in public. It's the one that got away. The one that got away. Why are you showing me? It's upsetting me because we've reached out to him so many for a decade. I'm faring on you haters. It's one of the greatest.

If you don't know, that's King Asripper. And he was like the OG, like this cool guy is so cool that when we discovered him, I think both of us had different experiences where we had to pull over on the side of the road. Yeah, yes, I remember this. Yeah, I pulled over on the side of the road. And I was like, who is this amazing man? And he even put out a couple videos that he,

because he would never respond. We tried every tactic to contact this guy. And one time he put up a video and just wrote like, in the caption it was like, shout out to your mom's house. That was it. That's all he would do. He acknowledged us.

But King Asherper would, he would change accounts. So he would be on LiveLeak under one account and then on YouTube and that account would go down. He'd open another one over here. Like it was always hard to find them. We could never get a response. And then I just saw this, you know, but it's... But also... That's him. That's Ashripper. Yeah. Hold on. Let me go sniff that one. Yeah, sniff that one, yeah. So for those of you who don't know,

do we have any old videos of Ass Ripper to show the audience? Cause I know I wanna take a walk down Ass Ripper lane. Oh my God. If we can. But he is really, look, dude, he has, this is other level. He was always at home. This is a public setting. He had set up his camera in a restaurant.

He never did that. And he is he never did that. He is stuffing himself. There's food all over his face and his body. It's insane. So he would do it, remember, in his bedroom. Yeah. He would do it in his car. Yeah. And keep in mind, this guy started this 10 years ago. At least. This is before OnlyFans. This is before you would see this stuff commonly. And he'd wear his little tighty-whities. Yeah, and he'd- And look over his shoulder, oops, yeah. And then he'd finger the holes in his chonies

and his dirty white underwear. And they'd be very brown. Very brown. He'd have crazy brown streaks. Yeah, remember the one in his kitchen? Yeah. Where he would like open a Tupperware, fart, and he'd be like, oh. Then one time he set out all this food and he farted on all the food. That's right. And then he ate it. Yeah. Yeah. This guy was such a talent. And I'm so. Oh, and the Belgian. I'm gonna fart in some stockings. Oh yeah, oh yeah. Oh, the Christmas one, yeah. Yeah. Oh, it's one.

One of the greats. Oh, two. To be able to do this, have a fart for each stocking? Three in a row, and this is before people were editing things. Yeah. Jesus Christ, man. This is in real time.

Yeah. This is in real time. Yeah, how did he have three in the barrel? I have no idea Yeah, that was fucking amazing Edit I'm sorry that there was an edit. Oh, yeah. Do we have the one where he's also gained a hundred pounds? That's insane. Yeah, I know that, but he gained it while we were following, when we were still working. Cause then he started to be a gainer. Yes.

Like he was like, here's all this food I'm eating. God, he was... You do the math. You do the little math. A 500 calories and it says 800 calories. And he listed all the calories and then he goes, you do the math. Yeah. Oh, I know.

A large pizza. Not only that. A large pizza. And I'm gonna fucking drench it. You know, I always gotta drench my goddamn food in sausage gravy this time. Jesus. Not mayonnaise. Sausage gravy. I'm gonna wrench my goddamn food in sausage gravy this time. Jesus. Not mayonnaise, sausage gravy.

That's very innovative, nobody's doing this. Two full cans of sausage gravy. And cold. Holy shit. Nobody was doing this. And then I got a third can of sausage gravy. Three cans! I'm gonna fucking smother my goddamn pizza and all the fucking sausage gravy.

The fact, Jesus. That pizza looks so good, he's gonna the fuckin' sausage gravy. The fact, Jesus. That pizza looks so good, he's gonna ruin it with the gravy. I thought ranch maybe would be. He's trying to get calorically up there. Wow. See the thing is, I can't believe. Sausage gravy pizza.

I don't like it, I don't like the sauce and the gravy. The thing is that I can't believe is that with our show and its reach and its audience, that not one person has ever been like, oh, I know this guy. Well, look, we haven't tried in about how many years to get a hold of him. Years. Maybe we could try again. Does anybody know King Assripper? Do you know who this is? Can you get a hold of him?

Can you tell him to contact us? Get on your mom's house. Do you remember what city he was in? I don't know why I felt like it was Michigan or something. Is it Detroit? Oh, maybe Detroit think Romulus Michigan Josh somebody's got to recognize him like on a personal level somebody does and they're like that's fucking yeah, it's Jake Yeah, yeah. Oh, he doesn't do that anymore. He's got a family He works at the factory Can you imagine the woman that's like? Oh, yeah, he used to I

Used to do this stuff. This is when I met him The king of say that he lives in Oh, Michigan. He's 35 born September 14th I would imagine he doesn't want his name out there because it's not hard to find someone's address or phone. That's fine. Found all this shit and never once thought about exposing him. Obviously other people don't think the same. I do want to know what his motive is though. Why is he purposely gaining?

How the hell does he shake the whole house when he farts? Well, we had our speculation that it's for sex work. Yeah, and I'm, by the way, just to be clear, I'm not trying to learn his name or, or, you know, yeah, I'm not trying to do that to him. I just wanted to be like, you know, I want to talk to him. We want him to work again. I want him in my life again.

I miss you. We miss you. I want to pay for his dirty underwear. Yeah, I would. We just miss you, buddy. We miss your work. You haven't made a new video in so long. Where are you?

Are you okay? Rip ass again. Nobody does it like this guy. Nobody did it like King Ass Ripper. Yeah. You know, I do, amongst the cool guys, there are men with just raw talent. Robert Paul Champagne has that spirit. Yeah.

Do you have his fart montage? Like one of his King Ass Ripper fart montage? What's his name, the old guy? You know, in such a way, that guy's got that spark to you. Yeah, he does have a spark to him, yeah. 10 to 12 Benadryl guy, he's got a spark. King Assripper was unlike any other cool guy. Yeah, he really is, he kind of laid the foundation for finding people like this.

Of course, he was one of our first children. And it just made me crazy that we couldn't talk to him. I know, and we offered him money, we offered him everything. He did it for the love of the game. Purely. That's, you gotta respect it. Maybe we won't get a hold of him, but We offered him everything. We'll fly you out. He did it for the love of the game. Purely. That's, you gotta respect it. Maybe we won't get ahold of him, but I still respect it.

He's really talented. It kind of makes me sad. I like that he's a gainer though. He's gotta be over three bills now. He was probably like 180 when he started. But why stop doing it? He was already successful. We were on board.

There's so many mysteries to him. Why did he stop why did he not want fame why did he not want to get bigger than he was because he kept doing the videos after we reach out it's not like he didn't want no do what he was doing he was still doing it I know I gotta go pitch okay I'm so puffed. Look at this. Yeah. Farting in the dog's face.

Who doesn't do that? Listen to that fart, bro. I know. That was mean. That's all. I'm so used to it. Oh, sniff that one. Oh, that's what that's from.

I didn't realize it was from the dog. Oh, I didn't know. Oh, wow. Tom, I feel like you and I are revisiting an old flame. Yeah. Don't you feel like- I know. You're like, he was such a good boyfriend.

Yeah. Why do we ever get to see each other? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't you and I are revisiting an old flame. Yeah, don't you feel like I know you're like He was such a good boyfriend. Yeah, why do we why do we ever not? You know and then sometimes you go. Oh the thing is There was good qualities to them, but

Milkshakes Big Big Macs, triple cheeseburgers, McNuggets, fries, fish-flav-eggs sandwiches. Oh, I love a fish-flav-egg. And then fucking I'm gonna stop at A.W. and get some goddamn chili dogs. Wow, he became like a serious gainer. He did, he got into this lane. Yeah, he... Can I tell you, I think he's an authentic gainer. I don't think it's even for monetary things at all.

I don't know if anybody was, we would have found how he was monetizing it. Hold on, Tom. What? But don't you, isn't this for fetish? Don't you need a... No, what I'm saying is, he's doing it for fetish, but just for the dopamine drip of the fetish. Most people do this, and especially if they're public,

there's a monetary component. I see what you're saying, Tom. I don't think there's any monetary component to this. I think you're right, because he shunned it. He didn't want it with us. Yeah, if he was after money, he would have been like, oh, this is a platform that'll give me more exposure, I'll make more money. Yeah, he didn't want it.

I think he really just gets off on this. Oh, that's why. Yeah. I think you more money. I think he really just gets off on this. Oh, that's why. Yeah. I think you're right. He was absolutely stuffing himself. Also, something else to point out is that he always had a roof over his head and a car. He did.

So he was employed. That's true. He's employed. That's true. This guy was showing up to work somewhere That's right And that's probably why he didn't want the exposure back then as he was just crazy because someone from work was like hey, man I saw your fucking

Your fart stuff, but that's maybe that's why he stopped making the videos. Yeah, he wanted to be a regular guy I don't know but it's a talent wasted if that's the case. Yeah. I Yeah, yeah, I miss him so much. You got clocks not running. Bam. So come back to us. Yeah. King Asher for come back. Any. I got what? That's what the attitude.

What do you want, man? This is so stupid. I shouldn't have said shit. No. God damn it. And he just hits the exact, like the perfect mark of the black guy stereotype where they don't like gay stuff. So sometimes when I find gay shit on Instagram I send it to him. It's fucking crazy dude. You have gay niggas on your feed. On your feed.

Like they're coming to you. The algorithm's like this nigga likes gay niggas on your feed on your feed like they're coming to you algorithms like this nigga likes gay niggas and you're just like yep send like like how upset he's going I sent him this and he got upset Morning baby they're just any they're just sweet they're not doing anything crazy I said good morning, asshole.

Oh my god. Oh my god, man. Go to church, bro. Bro. This is what I do on a daily basis. Thank god. When I'm not in trouble. You're not really in trouble.

Any? All right, I gotta go, folks. Hey. Say good morning. Any. Any. What? There's just guys just saying good morning This is stupid We got a show that case that that was upsetting what I Don't I don't want to see it. You know like hey do do your thing, but it's like you said

I'm just like you don't want to see the fucking school buddy Bob Bob, you know, you don't want to see that dumb shit Yeah, all right. I just don't want to see this dumb shit. So like but there's just saying good morning Okay, good morning. Say good morning fucking to yourself. It's keep it inside. I don't need that shit. I don't need it in my life All right black people being homophobic is my favorite. It is pretty awesome. I love them. Black people are, hey, hold on. They hate that shit. If you're like, man, this is really hard.

They're like, yo, pause, man. Pause, dog. What you trying to say? You're like, I'm fucking, are we in fifth grade? Like, hold up, man. Shit was mad suspect the way you said the shit was hard. You're like, man. Shit was mad suspect the way you said the shit was hard. You're like, sorry. But I also love how black comics are openly homophobic.

100%. So accepted. And it's fine. That's what they're fine. Who gives a shit? Culturally, they're like, nah, I don't fuck with no gay shit. They say it all the time. I love it.

I know. And white comics live in a world. Straight white male comics dance constantly on the line of gay, like gay joke, you know? Acting gay, hey, how about we suck each other's dick after like, and then black guys are always like, say what? Like never engaging in it. I know, there's like entire premises about things like that's some gay shit.

We don't do no gay shit. I don't fuck with no gay shit. You're like, got it. Yeah, I got it. Yeah, I respect it. Can I, Matt Preeze, Preeze, did you hear that? Matt Preeze bring up, we have a dental update in your mom's house world, but I would like to start doing vision updates.

Okay. As you can see, I'm again wearing these glasses. I haven't worn these in years. but I would like to start doing vision updates. Okay. As you can see, I'm again, wearing these glasses. I haven't worn these in years. I just allow myself to see things blurrily because I don't wanna fucking wear them. Yeah. Turns out radiation kills your vision. I didn't know that.

I didn't know when they were rating my body. Are you just trying to one up me now on fucking Invisalign? So I have all my my reading is gone to shit my readers and now I have to wear these fucking gay distance dad glasses Now like with you I gotta wear these all the time. My eyes are just done. Cooked. Have you had your you haven haven't done your annual, your Pap smear yet? I haven't had my Pap smear yet this year, but every time I've gone for the last four years, they're like, oh yeah, you need a higher prescription now.

Every year it's gonna happen. Your eyes are gayer this year than they were last year. And I'm like, okay. Yeah, that's what my doctor said. She's like, you're getting gayer and lesbianicker every year. Every year. Also, good news, because of radiation, I now have the beginnings of cataracts.

Cataracts, I have cataracts now. Maybe you can have a cool cataract surgery. She said, yeah, not now, like in 20 years, I'll definitely need that. That's cool. So I've got a bunch of new looks coming for you guys. You're gonna see me wearing different spectacles cause you know, why not?

Well, that also reminds me that I have a different cool update. This one, I have to say, out does cancer. I never would have do anything this awful. You also didn't let me talk about it in the pre-production meeting. You're like, no, save it for the show. Save it for the floor, they need to hear it.

So, hold on, I need to simmer. I gotta settle in. For the longest time, I guess I've had pretty inconsistent GI. 15, 20 years at least that I've known you. Yeah, we're like, what I'm saying is, okay, I have to preface it like this. I have to preface it like this. When I was more reckless with my health,

eating like an asshole every day, part of what comes with that is shitting like a maniac too. But you kind of don't really, you can't really go, I don't know what's going on because you're eating like an asshole. If you're having French fries and fried foods and deep fried this and high sugar and high fat, you know, your guts are going to be a mess. So I was just like, oh, diarrhea is a way of life, right? That's

just what happens. Like I eat crazy and then I explode and then price you pay for fun. Yeah. And then like, of course I would have normal bowel movements too, but it was always all over the map. So a few years back, I started taking better care of myself, eating healthier, a lot more lean foods, cutting out sugar, cutting out dairy, things like this. And my bowels did improve, but I still have this thing where I'm like, I'll go to dinner with you, or I'll go on the road, I have dinner with like

four or five of the guys I tour with, or I'll go on the road. I have dinner with like four or five of the guys I tour with and we'll have the same thing and then I go oh I had a crazy Shit this morning. How about you guys? Everyone's like no normal or you know, like we have the same food I'm like, oh that really fucked me up and you're like, I'm fine so At a certain point you're like, I feel crazy not at least trying to figure it out. I should say that four and a half years ago I had this thought and I got a colonoscopy. And I was excited for them to tell me, oh, here's what it is.

Yeah. Right? Yeah, sure. I have the colonoscopy, I get the results. I'm like, I get the call from the doctor, he's like, yeah, your colonoscopy is pretty normal. And I go, what do you mean? He's like, you have a slight irritation,

but in the normal range of, like minimal. You don't have anything, you don't have polyps, you don't have something where we see, oh, this is your issue. So then I'm like, okay, and you just kind of keep, he's like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm doctor and I'm like, I just don't, I feel like something is wrong, but I just don't understand what it is. It's like so inconsistent. So she's great. And she's like, all right, she goes, she calls me and she goes, we're going to figure this out. Like, cause I, I, I,

I lay out in detail everything that I can. Here's what I'm eating. Here's what happens. And there's unlike, I even gave the example, I could be eating very, very clean. Like very clean. Like some fruit here and chicken breast and a sweet potato and then good healthy food. And I could have a disaster. And then three days later I might be like, oh fuck it, I'm going to have a cheeseburger and I have a healthy bowel. Like nothing makes sense. It doesn't make any sense.

So she's like, well, to figure this out, we're going to run some tests. So she's like, I need you to go give blood. So I gave blood and then she goes, now I need you to go pick up your stool kit. So I go to the doctor and I pick up a bucket that I have to shit into. And then she gave me 12 vials that have scoopers. And I have to, I have to pick up shit with the scooper and put it into each vial. Eight of the vials are room temperature. Two of them I have to put in the fridge and two I have to put into the freezer.

So I have to freeze shit, keep some shit cool and I have other shit room temp. And I have to then take all that and deliver it to a lab and go, this was frozen, this was refrigerated, this I kept on the counter and I have to drop off 12 vials of shit and the bucket by the way, it's a plastic like flimsy thing and she goes, oh, please make sure you don't return the bucket. We don't want it after you've shit in it. Some people bring it back. I was like, I've shit in it. Some people bring it back. I was like, I was never going to bring it back.

She was like, oh, I just have to let you know. So I picked it up and she's like, you might not have enough shit to fill up the 12 vials. Oh, you will. But like just do it over. And I'm like gagging as she's, I'm like, oh. And then I go, can I borrow some gloves? Can I take a couple of gloves with me?

And she's like, oh yeah, that's a good idea. So anyway, she goes, you might do it multiple times, like shit a cup, like one day you shit and you fill these up and the next day you shit and you fill the other. How big are these vials? I mean, they're just like, you know, like bigger than a blood vial. Okay, is it like this?

No, no, no, no, no, no. You got tons of shit, you could fill a blood vial. Like, no, no, no, no, no. Okay, is it like this? You got tons of shit. You could fill a blood vial. I know, but then here's the other part of me. I don't wanna scoop up a slop shit. I'm like telling myself, because you can kind of feel it. You're like, oh, this is gonna be a bad one.

So I'm like trying to gauge when a good shit's coming, and then I'm gonna shit into that bucket. Yo, I gotta tell you something. Yeah. I'd rather have my tits cut off and do radiation than do what you do. Then shit the bucket. No, I don't even mind shitting in the bucket. It's the fact that you-

Have to scoop it out? Scoop it and then put it into 12 containers and then hold, it's not enough, then you have to freeze some, refrigerate some, and then walk it to the lab. I mean, hold on. The only thing that- There's no service that can- You know what will piss me service that can just take the shit and separate it for you?

No. What pisses me off is the idea that I will do all this and then they go, everything's fine. Well also, who's this first doctor that was like, you're all clean, see you later, and then gave up? It was a GI at like Cedars in LA. He was just like, you're fine. That's why I don't think Cedars is necessarily the best Austin. I've had better health care I mean cuz they actually have the time to give a shit about you out here. I don't know this guy I Don't know they have to figure this out with you. I can't imagine. I mean, that's what we're doing We're just trying to figure out what's going on in my butt Oh, why do you know I'm just getting a shower and I realize it's a sore

next to my butt hole. Have y'all got sores in your butt hole? I don't know if it's because- It's called hemorrhoids babe. When I take a shower I wipe inside my butt hole or if I'm rubbing the tissue too hard or whatever. Yeah, it's a hemorrhoid. That shit sores hell when I got in that shower. I spread my cheeks and let the water just hit that motherfucker and then just say, ah! Ah! Ah! I spread my cheeks and let the water just hit that motherfucker and then just say ah I don't have sores though. They're not sores, but if you're she's rubbing them and She maybe she's wiping too hard and they're bleeding or yeah, they shouldn't be sores

It's just really skin who knows who knows what's going on there? I hope your butthole feels better, man. Why are you freezing it? I don't know, and I didn't ask, and I don't wanna know. I just wanna drop off the shit. Which fridge and freezer do you think you'll be using? Not the family's food. Oh no, I'll be putting it in our other fridges. No, of course I'm gonna put it in there.

I know, but I beg. No, I'm putting it in the kitchen fridge. Oh my God, you can't. I will, and I can. And then where are you gonna lay out your other live- On your counter. Oh my God, I'm gonna puke. You better hide that.

Do you wanna be there for it? This one is, well I asked you, I was like, do you need help? Like, are you gonna, first of all, you've never shit into a bucket before. So it might be, that's the first challenge is, how do you know you can even shit into a bucket successfully?

Oh, I want to fucking throw up just thinking about this. It's horrible. This is terrible. There's got to be a better way that they're not telling you. Will you guys come help me? We can document it. We can film the whole thing. This is what I was thinking.

This is great content. This is great content. Any what would you rather watch? Two gay guys saying good morning in bed or me scooping my shit into vials fifty thousand That's the answer we're gonna get there sooner or later. That's the answer. No, which which one is worse I don't want to choose one. You can't even pick which one I'm worse choose one and I don't want to either of these things Wait a minute. You're asking me to do it like scoop it. No I said, which is work, which is worse for you to watch?

To watch gay stuff or Tom? Or me scooping my shit into a vial? What am I watching? You scoop it? That's it, and you put it in a vial? Yeah, I don't need to shit, that's fine. Wow. I can't watch you do that.

Your own shit? What kind of spoon are they giving you? Is it like a regular spoon? That's so gay. There's got to be a better way that we're not thinking of. There's no way that everybody's doing this. That's how you do it. This is disgusting.

No, so you have, so the top of the vial, the thing that you screw off, has a little shovel. Oh, the scooper, yeah. So you scoop the shit and you put it in there. How much cacao? That's the other fucking thing, is they're like, don't put too much shit and don't put too little shovel. Oh, the scooper, yeah. So you scoop the shit and you put it in there. How much caca is? That's the other fucking thing, is they're like, don't put too much shit and don't put too little shit.

Put the perfect amount of shit in here and you're like, okay. But what would that be? There's gotta be lines or something on it, right? Tanner says he'll watch me shit. Tanner will watch anything ever. It's cool. Well, Tanner scooped the shit.

For me, it's not, the scooping of the shit is what troubles me. Oh my god. I don't want anyone else to do it I know I'd pay fiver to do it You'd pay like I would pay like a flight get a fiver guy. I would do that. You wouldn't do it yourself like a no What if the doctor was like, huh? If the doctor's like we need you to do this. You'd be like, I'm not doing it I mean, no, I'm saying I'll do it, but like someone else gonna do it. I'll hire like a fiber or something.

That's what I'm saying. I wouldn't do it. That'd be a long talk with the fiber. He'd be like, wait, what? You're like, so I'll shit into this, fuck it. What's the matter, man, you don't like money? You don't have to come. I'm telling you, all you need to do.

When are you gonna do this? Like as soon as possible, right? How long are you keeping this in my fridge? That's the real question. A week? No. No, just like overnight, overnight. Just to see what bacteria grows probably. Just what's in there.

Obviously running a lot of tests if they're having me shit this much. Yeah. What about like the, like the fecal,cal like matter particles and shit like getting in your fridge They don't tell you they don't do nothing about that. Well, you put you put you put the You seal the the vial and then the vial goes into a bag and that's vacuum seal. It's not vacuum It's not enough to prevent shit flex from going everywhere in my food It's disgusting. You can't put it where like my kids eat their hot dogs

and shit. I am now excited at the idea of people seeing the shit in the fridge. This is what motivates me. Okay. Here you go. They think it's bacterial. That's why they're culturing your cuckoo.

I guess. Well, if it's not physiological, if there's no stuff, then it's gotta be. I know, then maybe I have something in me. Parasite or something, I don't know. That'd be awesome. You know how much weight you lose with a parasite? So lucky.

Okay. Do you know what women give themselves parasites to lose weight? That's cool. Like it's a thing. Okay, here we go. Any? What a, this is also for you. Any watching gay shit? No, it's not gay shit. It's a thing. Okay, here we go. Any?

What up? This is also for you. No, it's not gay. It's not gay. It's it's it's your inner thoughts. Oh, this promise you. I promise you, bro, bro, what they're going to write on my tombstone. Every bitch, every hole, every thought, every shawty that I fuck with dated all my, I got six kids by four baby mama Interview all of that That's any of my wife. They'll tell you nobody is harder on a bitch than me It's true. Nobody gives less than a fuck about a bitch than me Yeah, nobody gonna get in that purse money over over bitches than me purse before pussy. Yeah

cash first ass last. Nobody, that's what they gonna write on my tombstone. Nobody was harder on a bitch than him. That's a cool thing on a tombstone. How many brothers and sisters do you have? Zero. That we know of. Nobody is harder on a bitch than me. That is the coolest tombstone thing though. Nobody's harder on a bitch than me. That is the coolest tombstone thing though.

Nobody's harder on a bitch than me. For that to be on your tombstone, that would be amazing. I've changed my tone on this dude too. I was saying that maybe he don't get bitches like that, but no, actually you can't be that confident saying this shit if you don't get some bitches. But now, you know what I think it is, is that he gets young bitches.

They're too young. Dumbies, yeah. He's like 20s. Yeah, they're stupid He talks about his wife sometimes and then other baby mamas Yeah, and and I bet they all agree Nobody harder than a bit. I bet they do. Yeah, especially his time to make these cool videos about it today I'm gonna call as many as my chicks as I can and just play games with them just these cool videos about it. women like to play games, you gotta stay in their head, man. You gotta disappoint them sometime, let them down.

You know, you gotta be toxic a little bit sometimes. You be like, man, look, just grab them on their side or something, be like, you getting fat in, bro. Bro, what's up? You getting a little flabby. They be all, they'll be playing it off like it ain't shit. And then when you turn your back, they go in the bathroom, close the door, be in the mirror, turn around, look at it like,

what the fuck? Damn, what the? He really has a good time with this though. Yeah, he's pleased with himself. Yeah. I know that, so, I've seen my dad pull. Yeah. Yeah, he did it a few times on Yeah, you're getting getting either but he wouldn't do it like that where you joke with him. He'd be like I don't like this Okay, you're too fat. It's not exciting for me. Like he was just straight up straight up tone

I'm not attracted to you. You're too fat. Whoa. Yeah, which is even meaner and then they go You gotta disappoint them sometimes See, I just thought my dad disappointed all of us unconsciously. I didn't realize it was like It's a tactic. Premeditated. Yeah. What do you think? I mean, did you do you think your dad like didn't show up on purpose to fuck with you? Absolutely. Absolutely. I told you in the beginning Do you think your dad like oh show up on purpose to fuck with you? Told you in the beginning that's what that's why this dude's like bitches don't understand like they don't respect me or appreciate shit It's like because you set the standard that like if I answer the phone. That's a gift. It's a big deal That's like it's a huge. Yeah, I don't usually do that for you, right? So I'm being so nice to you right now

for you, right? So I'm being so nice to you right now. It's a step in the table. Usually you don't hear somebody go, be toxic. Like most people who are toxic are kind of unaware of their ways being like the awareness is pretty cool. I do feel like he's even a level above this game. He's putting out, this is a tutorial. Yeah, he's brilliant.

This is pretty cool. He's a savant. He's a toxic savant. I gotta say kudos to you sir. Yeah this is this is this is rare. Yeah. That a guy's he's a very bright guy actually. Yeah he's smart guy. Yeah also it'd be cool I don't know maybe we could like stop calling it my inner thoughts because I don't I don't like this. Okay okay all right sorry we'll start calling it uh it Christina's dad's inner thoughts. Yes. We do need a new segment just called showing any gay shit.

Yeah. I fucking got it. I do like how upset he got. Josh, could you start pulling some homosexual, black homosexual clips to show Annie? Or just gay in general. We've been homies for a long time, man. Long time.

I know, that's why I love torture. Here's some horrible or hilarious for you christina. Oh fuck here we go I already know this is gonna end with violence. This is gonna end with violence Fuck What what even happened what is that cheese block I Don't understand what I saw He he was celebrating He got oh he got a candle. That was a candle that got stuck in his head because he did it with so much

Okay. Well, I don't hear anybody. Hello. No one was loling at that one. Yeah, we can go on. Okay. Next. Oh The donkey ride. Oh, no, I hate Horses tiny horses donkeys of all kind. Yeah, go fuck themselves Good. That's what you get. I think it would have been a lot better if they had face planted. True They actually turned they did the thing you're supposed to do, but it would have been nice to see a They actually turned they did the thing you're supposed to do but it would have been nice to see a You're supposed to turn we get thrown off a burrow. Well, like it would otherwise it would have been a direct face plant I didn't know that they thought that was standard protocol. That's what they tell you to do I like this already. Oh shit. Oh

She broke her leg You see it? No This leg closest to you. It's okay is broken cool. Look. It's okay. She's underneath her Okey-dokey, no, thanks. Oh Wow world of warcraft wrestling Okay, she had to be taken out in a stretcher. Yeah, that was pretty cool You didn't like that one. I Thought I was gonna be some fat stuff. I always like fat people doing stuff, but I

Hate these guys on bikes I don't know why that went wrong cuz that's theoretically how they all do it. We got stuck. Yeah I like this Oh, I see what happened see he when he goes down here, okay Then he tries to overcompensate by dipping his butt see how low he goes He gets off the back of the bike and then the momentum when he comes forward launches him forward Yeah, and then he landed looks like straight onto his head cool that could have ended pretty poorly No serious injuries. That's cool. Okay. Yeah, I'm done Well, when nobody lol there, no, there wasn't a lot of laughs there

Okay, let's do something to make you laugh This shit say bitch nigga. Don't it? Tell me it don't say bitch nigga. Tell me. It does. Hair and skin care. Yeah. It does say that. That's amazing. That's amazing.

This shit say bitch nigga. It kinda. It does. How would you say I have an appointment there? Oh my god. How do they answer the phone? Can we find it? Can we call them?

How do you? It's got to exist. Let's call and see how they answer. I don't know. That's a good idea. Yeah. Let's look it up here. Josh can find it in like two seconds.

Let's call. What's this place? Hair and skincare. Oh, it's real. It's Houston. Houston. Oh, let's call it. Dude Dude they're open. Call it right now dude. It's oh no it's closed opens 10 a.m. Can you call them? So if they don't say their name when they answer Josh if they don't say it be like what what is this where am I calling? Okay let's see if they

let's see if they pick up with being closed. Okay, oh they're not closed, are they? Yeah, it says hours. It says closed today. Yeah, they're just closed today. Oh, let's see what the voicemail says. Yeah. You're actually just right on my phone.

Okay. That's exciting. In a cache only setting,. Those are real foreign vibes. No card. No. No. Foreigners don't do cards, dude. Here we go.

Damn it. Yeah, they're just ring and ring and ring. Right. No. They don't give a fuck, dude. These places do not give a fuck. Oh, well, let's try again next time. Wait, how to pronounce?

As a Vietnamese person who understands the language, I can assure you that there's no malicious intent behind the name. But yeah, now are there others out there who are so sure to play on words to come up with a quirky name for their business? Yeah, for example, fucking. The intent is pretty clear behind that one. But, but-nya could literally be somebody's given name. Like, could be the name of the owner, who knows. This is exactly what I mean when I say that people would rather go by an anglicized name than go by their given name because people

would make fun of it just like, you know, people in the comments. Haha, your name sounds like- And reading some of the comments is making me realize how there are so many people have this Eurocentric My okay, how do we work? You mean English? Eurocentric. Yeah, I mean we're in America So it's actually big yeah, yeah, yeah, but he knows yeah, he knows nobody here is gonna go oh this big yeah Yeah, yeah, no one's saying that. Nobody's saying that. And Nyah means beautiful girl or good.

Okay. Bik-Nyah. Bik-Nyah. Is there a gem? Okay. Oh, there you go. It's a name with a positive connotation. But let me tell you how shit works in Houston, my man.

I know. Bik-Nyah is on nobody's mind in Houston, Texas. Oh, how blessed are we? Oh, it's everywhere. Oh, shit. Those are a bunch of different places called Biknya. That's rad. Hey, man, meet me at Biknya later today. He's like your Eurocentric mind.

What do you mean, dude? Yeah, there's fuck it tie. Yeah. P-H-U-K-E-T. Everybody knows. You know what we think when we see that shit, bro. Of course, Brew. There ain't no mystery.

You know that people are not gonna be like, oh, that's probably B we see that shit, bro. Of course, Brew. There ain't no mystery. You know that people are not gonna be like, oh, that's probably big now. No, nobody. But then there are the fun ones where like, they don't have an English speaking friend to help them name their business. So there'll be like total relax.

So relax. So relax. So relax, my side. Total relax and so relax. You wanna be so relax? You come get my side here. So relax. Total relax. Total relax.

So relax. But then I think I saw so relax too. There's another so relax. I'm gonna go to so relax. You know, just wind down after work. Get a so relax. So relax. Okay. Okay. All right. It's fun. It's been a real one.

Please watch next week. Yeah. Bad Thoughts on Netflix. I'm on tour as well. TomSagura.com slash tour. I have a bunch of dates that I've added for the fall because the spring stuff's about to wrap up and we're gonna be in Dayton and Akron Daytona Beach West Palm Clearwater Fort Myers Allentown Poughkeepsie Mashen Tuckett Newark Brooklyn Westbury Hanover Gary, Indiana Fort Wayne Bloomington and Murillo Lubbock El Paso Tucson Colorado Springs Green Bay Pasadena, Vegas baby, Long Beach, Freyantacoma, Oakland, Huntsville, Birmingham, and Columbia will be the last show of the year and of the tour. Oh, can I plug a date, please? Of course. Now that I'm returned

to stand up, I'm only doing stuff in Austin. I'll be at May 15th, 730 at Comedy Mothership in the Little Boy if you'd like to see me work out a new hour of stuff. That's awesome. Yeah. Oh, buy my lip shits, guys. So many of you did for Mother's Day. Thank you so very much.

I hope you're happy with your purchase. Get the perfect four now at ChristinaP.com. There you go. There you go. Boo boo boo. So relaxed. So relaxed. Oh, come on. All right. Oh. So.

God. That's it for this show. That was terrible. Don't do that again. So you got an owl in those balls? Yeah. You got an owl in those balls? And shout out to the king, man.

It was great seeing you again. We hope you continue to get bigger and post about it. All right. Lots of love. We'll see you guys next week. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Shout out to the king man, it was great seeing you again. We hope you continue to get bigger and post about it. All right, lots of love. We'll see you guys next week. Start my day with a big ass fuckin' breakfast, feeling great, diamonds on the crevice to my necklace, ta-ta fuckface how'd you get this profession? Fresh as Tony John, strippin' to bring the bread in. You can call me Unk-Shine, girl I'ma make you cry, gotta take an uber baby, I got a DUI, gone off these edibles and dancin' like Charro, chillin' with Zarface, this shit is bizarro.

Get in the car, we hard fuckin' core, don't do it in the park, say it a bunch more You're getting the dog in trouble you dick Wonder if you tick-tocked? Well, it's true bitch Keeping it clean, please watch your profanity Master of accents, nobody understandin' me Got DJ Dadmouth on the ones and twos We the four-stroke gang, act like you knew Tom Like is new, you gotta dump that bitch so Ashley and Tucker we actually that rich never been the time my Cards been declined better clean up behind whenever I walk by Let's meet up say 8 8 15 a recovering lawyer with an MBA and a dream

I'm saying I mean they had a job in my life got scarce great cuz I was cost stealing bikes got a 2001 Chevrolet suburban for the time, Bert is not a racist person Still smells like shit and fucks a Schnauzer Drinks a liter of Kool-Aid once an hour We wanna have fun, like hardcore fun? Hey, Darn Man fans, we hope you like this one It's about Kim and Nine Inches and Pruss And how Tommy Buns got the best tour bus It's summertime and isn't it great? Got Louisiana hot sauce, yeah we give thanks. Nicknamed Snake ever since I was a kid. Crazy off the marijuana and the

whiskey I would sip. Yeah you're smart but sorry all sales are final. The sissy of Fremont Street, he all smiles. $23.95 with the written food. Right now, right now, right now because I'm in the mood. Just a couple cool guys you can go and play the riff. Break your body once a year, that's the key to staying fit always gonna be good you better believe that check the mommy's weekly put that on my jeans tag you guys are doing good is that Charlie they took away the fart mic but they're not sorry on that day early at free type lifestyle at your mom's house kick back and stay a while