Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - Why Rob Iler Wanted Tom Whacked | Your Mom's House Ep. 832

Episode Date: October 15, 2025

Tom's coming to Hanover, Maryland on the 19th as well as all over Indiana Oct. 23th - 26th. Make sure to get your tickets at https://TomSegura.com/Tour SPONSORS: Use the read where they say http://helixsleep.com/YMH Get your first month of BlueChew FREE at https://bluechew.com New Customers Bet $5 Get $300 in Bonus Bets If Your Bet Wins. The Crown Is Yours! Sign up using https://dkng.co/mom or through my promo code MOM. #DKPartner Head to https://www.squarespace.com/MOM to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using code MOM. Hey, Jeans! Tim’s off at rehab for an eating disorder (allegedly), so Christina welcomes certified Soul Mommy and Not Today Pal co-host Rob Iler to hold down the fort. They dive head-first into the single life, dating red flags, and the thriving world of inmate dating apps — complete with reviews of real prison profiles. Rob reveals his “type,” Christina confesses her John Goodman fantasy, and together they somehow connect it all to asthma, cigarettes, and childhood trauma. If you're in the mood for farts, felons, and philosophy this week, you've come to the right place! Your Mom’s House Ep. 832 https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://christinap.com/https://store.ymhstudios.comhttps://www.reddit.com/r/yourmomshousepodcast GAMBLING PROBLEM? CALL 1-800-GAMBLER, [phone] or visit https://gamblinghelplinema.org (MA). Call 877-8-HOPENY/text HOPENY (467369) (NY). Please Gamble Responsibly. 888-789-7777/visit https://ccpg.org (CT), or visit https://www.mdgamblinghelp.org (MD). 21+ and present in most states. (18+ DC/KY/NH/WY). Void in NH/OR/ONT. Eligibility restrictions apply. Terms: https://draftkings.com/sportsbook. On behalf of Boot Hill Casino & Resort (KS). Fees may apply in IL. 1 per new customer. Must register new account to receive reward Token. Must select Token BEFORE placing min. $5 bet to receive $300 in Bonus Bets if your bet wins. Min. -500 odds req. Token and Bonus Bets are single-use and non-withdrawable. Token expires 11/23/25. Bonus Bets expire in 7 days (168 hours). Stake removed from payout. Terms: https://sportsbook.draftkings.com/promos. Ends 11/16/25 at 11:59 PM ET. Sponsored by DK. Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:03:53 - Opening Clip: Fat Women Are Broke Dudes 00:08:26 - You're The One For Me Fatty 00:15:16 - Idaho Prison Inmate Dating Game 00:22:06 - Wolly Willy Babe 00:27:41 - Here For Good Time, Not Long Time 00:32:27 - Chain Smoking Grandparents 00:40:21 - Traveling Girls 00:45:48 - Happy Tom, Gross Rob 00:53:06 - Clip: Horse Milk 00:54:39 - Big Cheese Guy 00:58:49 - Learning Things From TikTok 01:05:55 - Poo Poo Pee Pee Dealbreakers + Rob's Pazsitzky Effect 01:14:28 - Christina's Curations 01:24:07 - More TikToks 01:40:45 - Closing Song -"Booty Opens Up" by Buttstin Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, everybody. This Sunday, October 19th, I'll be in Hanover, Maryland at the Hall at Live during my Come Together tour. Then next week, I'm coming all across Indiana, Gary on October 23rd, West Lafayette on October 24th, and Fort Wayne on October 25th, and Bloomington, October 26. Get your tickets right now at tomsgroro.com slash tour. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. Hi. What's everybody? This is my camera. I'm Christine. Tim is out touring, probably has a second family that he needs to support. But with me in his place is the fantastic Rob Eiler. Everybody, welcome. Wow. Thank you. You told me Tom was in rehab for eating disorder. That's right. I forgot about that. Yeah, I didn't want to put it out there. But yes, yes. People have noticed. that he's lost that. See, I thought it was just

him leading up to having an affair and abandoning me because that's where my mind goes because I'm mentally normal. But he could do that fat. He has enough money or he could just be fat and fuck. Oh, that's such a good point.

But that's so true, but I've always heard that it's like when guys change their appearance and stuff, like that's the first step so I don't know. Yeah, good luck with that. Give a shit, yeah. But the good thing is just in rehab.

Who cares? no i don't care i'll be single uh forever anyway if tom and i go splitsville i'm just i'm just gonna have more cats and dogs yeah well you could live the life we call it the lifestyle the lifestyle the lifestyle yeah like how the swingers have the lifestyle oh yeah i have the single lifestyle we call it the lifestyle the lifestyle yeah where you don't have to me and any were just talking about where you don't have to worry about other people's feelings that must be nice you don't have to meet people's friends and pretend to like them which is the number worst part do you think that's the worst part or learning their like triggers and what makes them

sad and what upsets them and no because that i could that i could that i could at least get into like i could find it interesting that someone's like crazy yeah when your friend is an asshole and i'm supposed to be like oh they're so funny like yeah that's no that's great that they're like loud and like annoying and drunk and I think it's charming yeah it's so weird because I had an ex-boyfriend whose friends were just awful people but he was a really good person and I've always thought about that for for years like what was that guy doing with all these like dirt bags what do you think that is I don't fucking know I don't know maybe he felt that he wasn't good enough to have good friends or maybe just like the excitement of dirt bags

Because I don't know, dude I don't know I don't know If I can let's call him Do you think that's why he was with you? Well I'm for sure mentally ill Yeah All right

Well should we Thanks for being here And taking Tim's place And this is gonna be fun Because you really know the show For those we don't know Rob Eiler is a mommy That's how we connected

In the first place many years ago You like your mom's house You've listened to your mom's house Yeah I moved to Austin That's true I'm a bit of a fan That's true Yeah

Not today pal But the real honor is that When you have to do a solo show You call me And when Tom has to do a solo show He calls me That's an honor Like just having me on is one thing

But when you're like Oh man we gotta do this With no one Can you come do this? I'm like Yeah it's great It's a true honor Because you're a soul mommy

Yeah Yeah You're definitely a mommy by soul Also I don't know You do know this The fart mic has returned So if you feel the need To fart

Go ahead I'll try and muster one up. I had short ribs last night. Well, there you go. So I'll try and, yeah. Come it up. All right. Let's see what we could do.

Let's start with this beautiful opening. Beautiful. Hey. A fat woman is the, you know, equivalent of what a brook to do is. Yeah, nice, mommy. Timing. Time. Can we hit the post?

Welcome to your boss house. Yeah. With Tom Segura. Rob Eiler and Christina Miao-Gitschis Welcome to your mom's house Miam Miao

Miam Miao Miam Miam Miao Miam M M Mip M M M Mip M M M Mip M M M M Mip M M M M M Mip M M M Mip

M Mip If a woman, what does you say? Let's do it again. A fat woman is the, you know, equivalent of what a broke to this. I mean, what do you think? It's not untrue. I hate to say this. Yeah, I mean, because listen, what I think is they both have their, they can

still both do well somehow out there like you know broke guys do well fat chicks that's true they still somehow you know they can pull fat broads yeah but but you're yeah okay okay this is a good topic let me go there so i started working out at a gym and i i used to work out at a weightlifter's gym where there was like toothless men guys missing limbs like like war veterans and it was so fucking fun. Like I really liked it. This is here? Yeah. Wow. It was like heavy metal and murals of like skulls and shit and I was like the only lady there. Wow. And I was catching some looks. You know what I mean? I was like wow, I still got it. And now I go to like your legs walking in here. Your legs and your teeth. And now I go to like a hot girl gym where it's

all like super nice older hot ladies and they're all in their their lulu lemons and they don't have to cover their bellies or their butts and I'm like oh okay now I now I see where I am in like the pecking order so it's no men allowed no they can be they are men there but it's where when I go it's like hot skinny like ladies you know what I got to talk after I got to hear where I got to hear where this is but the currency totally is I feel like like you go so the point being like yeah I could pull guys but they're probably not you know super duper if I'm like super husky, right? I think social media has made people such assholes that like even if you're fat or broke

or whatever, all you have to do is be like fucking cool and like understanding and not an asshole now. And I think you could do pretty well. Like, because when I was younger and everything, like I wanted a girl who was like, I would see my friends get a girlfriend who like wasn't very hot, but they were like, no, but she's the best. And I'd be like, what? Like I didn't even get it. But now that I'm older, I'm like, all I want is.

is a woman who's like, hey, you don't have to come to my friend's birthday with me. That's all I want to hear. Like, I don't care about anything else. If she's like, hey, I want a girl who hates going to things as much as I do, so she'll be like, hey, I have to go to this thing. You can stay home. That's all I want to hear. But she can be fat? How fat?

Well, but I'm just saying, listen, I'm a lunatic, but there's, she can do. But I'm not even, like, doing well, like, as far as, like, for a woman. But, like, I think a woman can be fat and still do very well. Yeah. That's interesting. But how fat are we talking about here? Like just... Well, it's fat.

I don't know. But that's the thing. The standards are so different. Here, have you ever heard what Carl Loverfeld has to say on it? No. No. It'll be okay for women to be fat in the future. I'm afraid, yes.

But not okay now. No. There he goes. Anyway, that's all he says. He's quote fat-phobic by today's standards. But in like the early 2000s and before, he was like right on you know listen i i think it's great to be the only reason not to be fat is because you want to attract a mate after that it's like who like sometimes like i'll gain like you know

a few pounds in the belly and like i don't give a fuck like i just it's more so my face like i have the irish round face that like once if i gain five pounds it looks like it all goes to my face look nobody likes to be i i don't ever like to be over but i will say and i i think that men behind closed doors when they're being honest and they talk about their wives they're like dude, I just don't like it if she's fat. Am I right? Am I fucking please? I've never been married I don't know. I don't know what you if you actually

I don't know if you just love your wife or whatever. Like if she gains some pounds or but I know like when you but listen I think like I don't know if a girl's a little overweight but she's fucking awesome like I take that now that I'm 40 when I'm 20 it was like no I want hot and don't care if she's crazy

where now I'm like yeah but I'm also in the in the camp of like I wouldn't date someone who doesn't go to the gym but that's not because I want you to be skinny it's because I want you to get your fucking anger out somewhere else before just not at home yeah yeah that's a good point I want you to get that out so like you're you know like I'm way more less likely to like argue after I leave the gym oh yeah it completely balances your life out you have to get that out yeah see I never cared about weight or or muscularity with men is that is that the word wow

I don't know. I never... Sounds smart. Yeah. I mean, I like these fucking homos. Like these guys. These like fay... Like frail-looking guys.

Yeah, like Dave Gaon, like skinny. Peter Murphy, skinny are just like... Yeah, that's weird. Yeah, I know. I think I am a femboy. I think I might be a gay man woman. When am I? I don't know.

So it's slowly happening. Even here where I live, where the sun is going to start cooling off and it's going to get a little bit... colder and I can't wait. Listen, if you go to Helix, take their quiz where you say your sleeping position is, what your favorite sleeping temperature is, and if you sleep with somebody or solo. They have cooling mattress covers for hot sleepers, which huge fan of, and they have extra memory foam padding for side sleepers. Some of you are side sleepers. Who are you people? Helix also sells bed frames,

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I'm a huge fan. I take them every day, whether sex is on the table or not. I just want to be ready. I want someone to see it. that's why I take them and I love it guys this isn't about performance this is about legacy or third legacy give her group chat something to talk about when you pipe her down like really do it the way you were supposed to she's going to tell her friends that she did it and nothing makes you more of a legend than a little bluechew discover your options at bluechew.com we've got a special

deal for our listeners as always get your first month of bluechew free Just use the promo code YMH at checkout and pay five bucks for shipping. That's it. Join Bluechoo's mission to upgrade humanity one thrust at a time. Head to Blu.com for details and important safety information. And a huge thanks to Bluchu for sponsoring the podcast. See, I used to like short Spanish girls with a little weight on them, like when I was younger.

And then I started hanging out, like when I would go to clubs and hang out and all these guys in clubs, they liked girls who were skinnier. And that just became like the women who were around more. So I started leaning more towards that, even though, like, my true thing is like a little, like, short Spanish girl. Like, that's how I really, that's how I was brought into this world. Right. Loving that. Yeah.

But then you, you know, you change. See, and I, my first sexual dream was about John Goodman. I was like 13 or 12, and I just loved, I've always had a crush on John Goodman. And so when I met Tommy He was heavier And I was like Like it was a deeply rooted Like shameful, weird thing

That I kind of liked husky gents I could just picture you calling your girlfriend After the first date and being like God he's like a young John Goodman And they're like what? You're like I think I'm going to marry this guy Oh I knew I was going to I just loved him

I just loved it Oh wow look at John Goodman in 19 You go to that one, Facebook? He looks like Ralph Machio. No, he's so adorable. Wow. Oh, my God. He looks like, uh, who's the...

No, that's not him. That's Elijah Wood. Okay, yeah, that may... I was thinking that I was like, who's played Frodo? I was going to say it looks like him, yeah. Frodo turned into John Goodman. That's so stupid. Well, we got to see John Goodman as a kid now.

Do we have that? What did he look like? Oh, I bet he was adorable. Is John Goodman still alive? people are Googling that for you. That's like, yeah. Oh, he's cute. See?

He's just so American and so like, he just seems like he'd protect you. You know people who Google is John Goodman still alive? It takes them like 10 minutes to Google it because they're the people who like loved Roseanne like 30 years ago. Now they're like, hold on, let me see. They're like, is? I think people still secretly love the show Roseanne.

Oh, of course. I don't think it's a secret. Yeah. Look at him. handsome the big Lubowski come on I don't know I always like heavier guys even growing up my dad's better friends I just like

those old Hungarian guys with bellies and to me it's kind of like a Lizzy like I don't you know like they're not so uptight they're not so so disciplined like they can enjoy life or something maybe that's or they're just slabs and maybe they're not afraid that I'm a slob maybe

that's the truth to it is that my standards get to be lowered which is really the best part I don't have to try so hard yeah they're not super anal about stuff. Yeah, I would fucking really hate that. Now, speaking of dating, you're in the dating world. I've got some gals for you. Hold on. Oh, okay. Let's take a look at these ladies. You tell me if any of these, ring your bell. Here we go. Hi, I'm Ashley Glendon number 96-336. I really want some fun and positive people to help pass my time. I love to laugh and I have a spunky attitude. Don't be shy. Hit me up on jay.com. And big shout out to

Prison Connect. Can I tell you yes? I'm a sucker. Listen, if I wasn't... Oh, shit, sorry. Oh, no. Oh. Is it still going?

She gave you a body shot, dude. Wow. She gave you full fucking... See, if I didn't know better, I'd be all in. But I know better. You know what I mean? Like, I know that this woman will try and, like, she'll come ruin my life and, you know,

all that stuff. Yeah. But if I didn't know that, I'd be like, who is this angel? Because you could meet her out in a bar or whatever in the street. Yeah. Well, I can't. Yeah, not you. Not me.

Okay, so here's the deal. Do you want to know what she did? Ooh. Like, I tell you what her offenses are. Do you want to guess? And we'll see if that makes me like her more or not. I'm going to say she did something with a guy where they, like, robbed somebody. It's always a guy, right?

I think so, too. Like, none of these chicks are initiating. Well, some of them, some of them are crazy. But this one just seems she's showing guy hungry. So I think maybe that let her down the wrong path. Guy hungry. You know, where other women, you just see a woman that's like, ooh, she looks angry.

She might have just beaten a woman up or beating someone up, you know? Right of beating up parking lot attended to death. Are you ready? Mm-hmm. This is good. She's good. First of all, here's the good news. She's out in February of 2028.

I have an issue. Go ahead. This is from an app where you date inmates. They shouldn't put the word pay in the name of the app. Jay pay. No, you can give them money for their commissary. But that's what I'm saying. That should, it should come as like, oh, actually, you know what?

You could also send me money. But when the name of the app is J-P, like, at least lure me down a thing of like, sexy, you know, like a lonely. What was the reason for that? Do you guys remember this thing? I don't want pay to be the fly. Why is J-Pay? Yeah, like, I think he's saying like it's very. forward to just start with the money. It might as well be like, hey, sucker, the name of the app. I know. I agree. They should have, but then what would they call? Like, what's a Facebook for criminals? Lonely, lonely women? Locked up, locked and lonely? Yeah. Locked up broads? Yeah. I don't know. Anything but like, where's the money. Jay, I agree. That's the horrible name. This is where you put money on their commissary. Right. That's not where the dates. All right. Are you ready to hear what this broad did?

Okay. Controlled substance possession of fine. Yeah, big deal. And grand theft by any common law larceny, embezzlement, extortion, or receiving stolen goods. I mean. That's not receiving stolen goods. Who doesn't do that? When I was growing up, like, hey, this fell off the back of a truck. What are you going to do? Say no to a criminal? You got to take it. I know. Grand theft by any common law larceny. I'm not sure what that means. What does that mean? ever gotten one of them to FaceTime in? No, please. I would love to talk to her. So Ashley's definitely, that's a thumbs up still. Oh, all day. If she was anywhere else, like let's say she was in like a nunnery and had this video, I'd be like, we got to break her out.

We got to get her out. But knowing that she's in prison and she'll probably try and take my money and ruin my life, I instantly go like, no, I can't. I can't do that. Oh, so here's what she did. Unlawfully taking, caring away, and permanently depriving the owner of personal property that exceeds a certain monetary value. Okay, big whoop.

So she stole something from some dude or whatever? She could have been mad at somebody. You've been like, oh, I'm taking the dog. That's stupid. I agree. She's minor. I think Ashley's still a good candidate for you. I liked how she backed up and gave you a full body shot.

Apropos our earlier discussion of like, you know, fat women are like broke men. She's showing you the goods. She's saying, I'm thin everywhere. So she's not luring you in. Because on the profile, on the dating apps. I'm thin everywhere. Yeah, like on the dating. Yeah, can't they lure you in with like a nice face pick?

But then the body could be totally different. They can lure you in with a full body pick. And then you see and you're like, this is not the body in the pick. Really? They do totally different bots? You can do full. Yeah, they can trick you in any, they take a picture in like a black shirt and pants in front of a black wall.

And you're like, I think, I think that's all right. Yeah. And then you meet up and you're like, oh, man. Good thing this wasn't dinner, you know. So what do you do with them like coffee or you do like a fast? Oh, you don't drink coffee. Yeah, we'll do whatever. But then, you know, there are some times where you know right away, like, this is going to.

Like, I remember the last girl who I dated for like a long period of time, we met on an app. And right away, I was like, no, I know. This is legit. And like, yeah, I got on a plane to go meet her. Where? Because it was Miami. Wow. And?

Yeah, the best. It was incredible. But we just, you know, it was, one of us was going to have to move and it just didn't feel right. And it was unfortunate. in it. But yeah, now she's in prison. Yeah, that's her. Yeah. Let's see this one. But it does feel like she's blowing these kisses to everybody, which I don't like. I'm jealous kind of guy. Yep, I understand what you're saying. Guys want to

think that you're going to give the goodies only to them. Yeah. Only to Rob. The kisses are only for Rob. Yeah. The showing off of the body's only for you. Yeah, I don't even like when a girl on a dating app, like, their first thing is like, let's not chat, let's just meet right away. I'm like, I'm like, oh, easy. Like, yeah, I want, I want to, I want to make sure we're not wasting time. Like, if right away, I know, I'm like, hey, do you drink wine every night?

Because if you ask goodbye, I can't, I can't do it. Like, I just, I don't drink and I don't want somebody who's drunk all the time. That's no fun. So, like, I have to get those things out of the way where, like, a lot of these women are just like, nope, we meet right now or nothing. I'm like, goodbye. I can't. Like, because you know what it is? They've gone down the path.

Like, a lot of them say, like, I don't want a pen pal. They've gone down a path before where a guy just, like, talk to them forever and then never met. them so now they're like I won't even talk to you like just meet me or nothing wow which I'm the opposite I'm like no I need to know you're not crazy before I go and meet you because I I'm not dying for a relationship so if you're like crazy or in prison or blowing everyone kisses or like I can't if you committed a grand larceny I might be a no for me wow fascinating man yeah it's brutal out there it is okay so here's Kylie Michelle and hot name yeah here she goes, let's see. Hi, my name's Kylie Jackman. My number is 110819. I'm in Pocatello Women's

Correctional Center. I have blue eyes and thick thighs. Okay. You can hit me up on J-Pay. You know, I'm scared to like really say absolutely not to some of these women because I'm like, they're, whoever, somebody might come and get me. But you know who she, and listen, I don't want to be rude, but she kind of reminds me of is the person who, remember back in the day, there was that toy that you would get and it was like a bald guy and you would put the hair on them oh my god yeah

having from my kids it's a magnet can you look that up what that's what is that called when you put the wooly willie willy yeah can you look can you get a picture of that up

because I'm getting strong vibes from her of that I know you're talking about it's the nose yeah see when it has the no hair yes yeah that's kind of some

similar as it's not to be rude but I just want to say that's not my type yeah yeah Wooly Willie is not something I Hey, don't you dare put down Kylie Because I will tell you that Kylie First of all, she's wife material

I think Kylie Especially at a man of your age And where you're at She might be your fucking ride or die bitch You know what I'm saying? And judging by these I'm gonna go with this She's like a rider die

Do you want know what she did? But here's the thing I think you want a ride or die Who's like a nine rider die Because if you go too far They're too scamy what you're talking about you want that girl no because then if you're like oh this fucking girl like I went to go get to the gym and she wasn't nice to me and then she goes and like

cuts her and then you're like oh now I got to be putting stuff in her j pay fucking every week because she cut her for me I don't you want a nine rider die a 10 rider die is a little too right because you're saying that she's going to be too protective and too invested in the relationship she doesn't want to lose you because she's so like clinging right you did what to my man like I want I want I want to You know what I mean? But, yeah, what did she commit? Maybe I'm totally wrong.

No, you're going to like the way you look. I guarantee it. Because Kylie is like, this is like a nothing burger, controlled substance possession of and burglary out. Oh, I'm so sorry for judging you. Yeah, that's a nothing burger. And she's out in 2026. Oh, congrats. On good behavior?

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No privacy, huh? If I, if me and her are talking there's just the whole cruise in the back, huh? So she burgled and she has some drugs on her. Big fucking deal. So what's the... What are you going to do drugs and not rob people? Yeah, that's the whole point. Yeah, of course. You get gacked and you steal, right? Yeah, you burgle.

Yeah, you do some blow and you burgle. I don't know. I don't know. I don't think okay, whatever. No, I think she's probably be a sweetheart she's just she's just unfortunately not my type yeah yeah the first one was more she's more aesthetically yeah i see where you're at yeah snob hey what's up my name's janelle martinez like it my number is 114 568 i'm located in idaho i'm looking for friends good company someone to talk shit with emotional and financial support uh-oh i'm here for a good time not a long time okay hit me up on j pay see it's so hot

the way she's holding the phone. See, a lot of them, sometimes like a rapper. That's so hot. Yeah, they're kind of holding it. She's like, I want your money. Yeah. She's very, yeah, she's, but listen, I got to say, but maybe it's just good to be honest, but I don't like the approach of like, I want your money right away.

It turns me off. Like, first 10 seconds, I was like, this could be the one, and now it's just a no. Yeah. Well, here's what I like about Ms. Martinez. She had like the rhyme thing going, you know. You're for a good time, not a long time? Yeah, like I like when they're clever. She came up with that.

That shows like she's got a brain on her. She's creative. I don't know if she came up with that. Or maybe she adapted it and used it, and I really like that. She is a younger inmate. She's only 30 years old. Looks great, baby face. So she's got youth on her side.

She's good looking. And she wants to have fun. Great hair. I like her a lot. Okay, do you want to know what she did? Yeah, what you do? Interesting. I've never even seen this. Martinez was found to be using mood-altering substances for which she had no prescription

and for which she received a Class B disciplinary offense. What does this even mean found to be using mood-altering substances? Aren't there all these cities where people are like, we arrest people 37 times and they're fine? But then this girl is just like doing drugs? Who cares? Oh, here we go. Oh. Sorry, I should have kept reading. Yeah, the upside down phone said maybe she did a little, a little something we don't know.

Can you guess what mood-old drink substance it was? What do you think? What are you thinking she's doing? Oh, a lobotomy? Did she get a full? Methamphetamine. And that Martinez test a positive for methamphetamine while in custody on her writer. Hmm.

Oh, in 2023, she was convicted of possession of heroin and phyllumphetamine. fentanyl. Well, I mean, drugs, right, big deal. And then a short, sure, we're like, okay, maybe she deserves a little timeout. Yeah, no, I think it's fine. But listen, fentanyl, I wasn't around in the, in my drug time, wasn't fentanyl. I know. Fentanyl looks real bad, man. Yeah, it's real bad. I don't know. It doesn't look like a, I don't know. Like, I know a lot of people who started out doing a drug were having fun and then, and then it became bad. We're like, I don't know anyone who's like, dude, this fentanyl shit's awesome. And then it goes. bad like it just seems like day one of fentanyl is as bad as the rock bottom of everything else do you take fentanyl voluntarily or isn't it just in drugs now that like it's mixed in and it kills you i thought that was both but some people do it yeah some people are doing it just for kicks well i will say it is pretty

spectacular when i broke my ankle they gave me a fentanyl patch in the amber lamps and i fucking really loved it i was like what is this i think i've told you this before but when i was going through my like you know getting off of drugs and all this stuff i remember hearing all the stories and there was one actor wife and husband in hollywood and their son was born like you know probably had a really odd life the whole like growing up with parents who were famous and whatever when he was 18 or whatever he was such an addict that he threw himself down a flight of stairs to get in the ambulance to go to the hospital to get pain meds wow that's like you're really committed wow Yeah, that's a real...

Wow. Yeah. That's so, that's interesting. I was reading this book about, um, marina, she's a fucking, would you look her up? She's a performance artist. Why can't I remember a Marina? Marina del Rey. Marina, she's from, like, Belarus.

God damn it. Anyway, she's from this old school communist country. I'm obsessed with her. Yeah, Abramovich. Marina Abramish, she's his performance artist. Yeah. I'm reading her book. her autobiography.

And she goes, when I was a little girl, I had a bleeding disorder, and they put me in the hospital for like a month, you think it was the worst time of my life, but it was the best. They were so nice to me there. And my family had to be nice to me when they came to visit me and bring me sweets and toys.

I was like, I totally understand that. I'm like, I fucking wish I had gotten the hospital when I was a kid. Yeah, I did. I had such bad asthma that I would end up in the hospital. hospital, but I hate it. Oh. Because you can't really like, you'd be in the, I didn't like being, as a kid, you

want to run around. You don't want to be in, like, a hospital bed. It was, it was brutal. I mean, they could, didn't they give you inhalers and stuff to prevent you from being hospitalized? You know what's so funny? He's like, now that I'm an adult and I'm like, how come I haven't had an asthma attack in 20 years?

I'm like, oh, because when I was a kid, like, we just didn't listen. Like, they were like, hey, you can't do this. You can't be around cat. You can't be around dogs. And you just, as a kid, you're not thinking about that all day. So, like, you go to somebody's house, they have a cat, you don't know, and next thing you know, you're like, like, in the fucking hospital. And I remember we went to, like, a show one time that had, like, fake smoke,

and I ended up in the hospital. Oh, my God. Yeah, it was all, I had such bad asthma. But my uncle also has asthma because we grew up in a fucking tiny apartment with everyone smoking cools. And we both have fucking horrible asthma. Yeah, my grandmother smoked, my great-grandma smoked Paul Malls, and my grandma and grandpa smoked cools. And they would just chain smoke.

Bring those up. Let's take a look at Paul malls and cools. Cools are menthol. I remember that. Paul Mall, that's like a... I think it's a red pack if I remember right. Yeah, with white, like a windmills on it or something. That is real...

The red pack, yeah. But that wasn't the one that she smoked. She smoked the one with no filters. Like that one... Fuck, dude. If you click on the one that the thing is on right now. Yeah, that's what she... That was always in the crib.

Yeah, wherever particular people congregate, huh? Oh, wow. Yeah. God damn, dude. Imagine just, like, sitting in the apartment smoking cigarettes with your son and his wife all day with their kids all around. Like, it must have been just so crazy. Such garbage. You know what else I look back on when I looked at when I lived with my, like, grandparents and everything?

Like, and maybe I'm wrong about this, but my memory is I didn't have one toy. Like, I remember other times in my life were, like, you had these toys. But I just remember, like, I had my own chair. It was like a neon little plastic chair. but they would sit right in front of the TV, and I was just like, oh, while there was just smoke in the room. Like, and I was just sitting there watching TV all day. But I just don't, like, I know there were times in my life where I had toys,

but just that time where I live with my grandparents, I don't think that they were like, oh, let's get him toys. Like, let's say, it was just like, no, oh, my God, that apartment was, you would lay in bed. So I slept on the pull-out couch in between my grandma and grandpa, and you would hear, as soon as, like, the lights would go off, it was like, the cucarachas.

And it was mice. Oh. Cockerotes and it was just the fuck And then you would hear one Get like caught on a trap And my fucking grandparents Would just sleep right through it

And I was in the middle Of the fucking pull out couch Just like please I want to be anywhere Right here And they didn't have the fucking They didn't have remotes yet So they had a block That sat over by the TV

And you had to walk over and push Because it was like Instead of just turning a thing And I remember it being like Go change the channel And like, it would just be like, oh, like, fine, we'll just watch this. Like, you know? And it was like, fuck, I don't want to watch this.

And they had like this thing you pushed these buttons down on and it changes the channel. Old, old, yeah. God, it sounds worse than communism. You guys sound more poor than my parents. But what's funny is, like, I look back on that and I'm like, that was great. Like, I look, it was just like, I remember bedtime was really not great and scary and everything. But, like, up until that, it was my grandma was the best. She loved you.

She loved me, but also, like, you know, my parents were very young. so like it didn't feel like they were passing on these like life lessons to me everywhere my grandma would be like no you don't do that this way you do it this way and then I would do something a different way and it would be easier and I'd be like wow that's so nice we're like my my parents were 18 so like when they were when I was four they were like 22 I think about me when I was 22 I didn't have a single lesson to pass yeah what you teach you to a four year yeah I knew nothing here's how you drink yeah and especially like I would know even less if I got pregnant at 17 or 18.

And then I don't know if my mom even finished high school because she was pregnant. And it's like, that must have been so crazy. But she knew to make you an actor. Well, somebody on the street was like, this guy should be an actor. And she was like, oh, let's go on auditions and see what happens. Amazing.

Amazing. Thank God. Yeah, who knows. Isn't it wild to think like you were in that? Because I look at the life that my kids have today. And, like, my youngest is seven now. And I'm like, Julian, when I was your age, I was already, like, I was on my own, bro. Like, I could already use the stove.

I was cooking. I was alone a lot. And he's like, really? Is that true? I'm like, yeah. Our parents didn't give off. Yeah. There was no idea of, like, you know, someone would call CPS on you or whatever.

They just left you there, you know, you were a latchkey kid. It was a wild. Or even my dad, like, partying. like I'd wake up in the middle of the night and you're like, who's in the house? What's happening? Oh, yeah. Where is this drunk people?

It's awful. See, with us, it was more like letting people stay. Like, it wasn't like random people would just pop in, but it was like, oh, like this is, this person, this person, and this person are staying with us for months. And you're just like, oh, okay. In the apartment? In the apartment.

But the thing that like I do, like when I look back with my mom and I'm so grateful for is like, when I hear people who are like, yeah, my mom never said she loved me. I'm like, whof, that's got to fuck you up. Because at least my mom was always like, I love you the most. Like, you know, she'd be like, I love you, you know, where I'm like, God, I can't imagine, like, for 18 years, never hearing your parent be like, I love you. Any? You think you and I are pretty equal on this one? Yeah, I haven't, you know, I didn't hear my dad say any words for like 20 years. So, yeah, I love you. Wasn't on the top of that list.

Yeah, I don't think we said that very often either. Me and my dad say I love you to each other once a year When it's like something bad happens Yeah, yeah You know Dads are generally a little more Yeah, you just don't But I don't want him

I don't want him to say I love you to me all the time I'm so I remember feeling so Scared of having a real conversation With my parents Like the thought would make me nauseous If one of them would be like Let's sit down and talk

I'm like first of all that never really happened But I think the thought of it makes you want to puke Like that level of intimacy With these folks like I don't know I'm all right, I'm good I'm good I think my grandpa are like

my dad I don't think of it what are you trying What is this Yeah what are we talking about What are we talking about Yeah like what do you see the game yesterday You're like oh yeah

I saw the game Yeah it sucked huh Like you know So much better But I also always think about like You know growing up It was very much like As soon as you sat

To like I haven't seen somebody As soon as you sit You bring up bad stuff I hate that shit It was how we always were It was like oh fucking Because it's New York City Like oh this fucking traffic

Somebody just fucking did this. And you're like, oh, yeah, you know what somebody fucking did to me? And then, like, you just commiserate. Yep. You know, it's like, oh, this bad thing. We're now, like, when I see people, like, how are you? And they're like, you know, things are good. You're like, that's great.

It's great to hear that. That's totally the Hungarian way, too. It's like you have to talk about everything that's awful in your life straight away. And I fucking hated that. Like, when we go visit relatives in Budapest and you sit down on the hard fucking kitchen wooden furniture. And then, well, you know, Dundi has these hard problems. and then you know Gabor has his

problems and I'm like I don't want to fucking hear this I don't want to hear any of your problems your problems make my dicks off to quote my husband yeah and also like sometimes it's okay if the people are funny when you're with funny people and they bring up their problems it's like they're finding humor in it but when it's just like he's heart not working

again like we're just counting down the days until his heart gives out like and it's like oh you're worried that he might die and miss all this Like, you know, this awfulness, like, it's so fucking horrible. Oh, fine, I'll kill me. Okay, here's Sarah.

Are you ready? Oh, more ladies. I love this. Yeah, she's hot. Hold on. Hi, my name is Sarah Edwards. IDOC is 133-419. I'm looking for someone sober and male about in his mid-40s who wants to get to know me.

I'm really interesting to talk to and I'm really fucking funny. And I have pre-bored in junior. July and then I see commission in September so I'm thinking I'll probably be out by September. I'm looking forward to getting to know someone who wants to stay in contact with me. Thank you. I thought she was saying I have pre-bored, like

the thing at the airport you need. I was like, oh, that's the worst. Yeah, yeah, I don't want to hear that. Because you don't like traveling, you don't want anything to do. If I give you my phone right now and give you the dating app and scroll through the first 10 girls, I guarantee you at least seven say their whole personality is

traveling. What is that? I don't understand i hope you have i hope you're ready to go i hope well i could work from anywhere and i hope i'm an adventure girl and i love this and i hope you're ready to no i'm not i'm not ready i'm not ready for any of that and you know what i felt that way for years and i haven't budged even a little bit it just makes me angrier and angrier every time i see like and i've gotten to the point where like i see a woman i'm like she's beautiful i bet we would get along but but her number one thing is like it's like an emoji of like a tree on a clump of sand and it's like i hope you're ready to go. I'm like, I don't want to go.

Like, your whole personality is getting away. Getting away from your life. So what's wrong with your life? And also, who's paying for the traveling? Is she paying for the traveling? Does she expect you to pay for the traveling? I'm just sitting on planes. I know. I've done it for fucking 20 years. Airports.

All of it is like, like you just said, makes my dick soft. Like, like, oh, look, we're in the airport. Like, I get the same feeling being in an airport as I do when you're in a hospital. Yeah. As soon as you go through those doors and you're just like, Like I don't breathe as easy Like the whole thing is just like oh

Because I like you're getting on that plane They're shutting that door it's all Oh it's terrible and you're totally out of control They don't give a shit if the plane comes or goes They don't care about you in your life They don't give a fuck My OCD going through the roof Yeah me too I can't take the lack of control

It bothers me okay so what do you think she did? Ooh um Hmm Yeah See I don't know I'm just like when you look at her I don't think it's anything too bad right because she seems so gentle

she seems like a first grade teacher like she's so chill she says she's got a good sense of humor what did she do I don't know I don't think it's anything it doesn't feel like it's anything that would really bother me too much what'd she do it's not controlled substance possession of

that's fine she's just me and didn't get caught a thousand percent she got caught drugs sucks yeah but it's also like if you're getting caught with drugs you are doing something else like what are you doing because who gets who just gets caught with drugs like who's like I was walking I was walking home yesterday they fucking bagged me like they knew it was in my pocket like what are you doing that's true to be caught like what are you in your car

doing like why are you I would love to know why they're caught you should just do drugs at home or like yeah or like if you just have drugs on you it's like why would anyone know yeah that's so true all of my friends had drugs on them at all times when I was growing up in New York City and once a year somebody would get caught because they were doing something else. Yeah, just don't do anything else. Yeah.

Just stay home on your couch and do drugs. Yeah, it's awesome. But I guess maybe when you're doing those other drugs like the meth and stuff, it forces you off the couch and out in the wild. That's so true, because you're so motivated and inspired you want to go and fuck shit up. That's why I would never touch those uppers, man.

No, I was a big painkiller guy where you just sit on your couch. That's my jam. I forget if I told you, but like, the arm of my couch where I kept the ashtray was hard. Like you could go because of years of just sitting there

I would play online poker and smoke cigarettes and take painkillers And when you ash And if it would miss the thing It would just land on the thing And it just became rock hard Like and the this arm of the couch Was a totally different color

Than the other arm of the couch Yeah That's fucking perfect Yeah It's so so unattractive I go down too I don't want to be up I've already got enough anxiety in my life

Yeah I'm always looking for things To calm me down And that's what I That's when a, when a woman is like, what are you looking for in a partner now? I'm like, someone who could calm me down. Yeah. I don't want somebody who's going to add pressure to my, you know, like, I'm not looking for, like, there are people who like, I have a friend. Dude, if I, it's so illegal that I don't know if I could even tell the story on this podcast with my friend.

I don't know if I could do it. I guess I can do it, right? Well, we'll just pull it out if we can't. Yeah. No, I don't. Well, I don't know. He was dating, he was dating a girl from another country. and like basically right before like Trump was coming in the people in her country told her like

if you if you ever want to get to America it's now or never oh smart and she and she did it and like the and he's like I'm addicted to the chaos she brings to my life that like I was talking to her in another country and then all of a sudden she was like living on a boat near my house like I just I can't say too much because it's like and and he's like I'm so addicted to this drama that she brings it i'm like i couldn't be more opposite now like i'm like i don't even i want someone who just brings nothing but like calm i'm not chile i'm the same way like tom sagura is practically asleep and i like that yeah that's got to be fucking and i sometimes i have to touch and make sure he's still alive and that brings me like oh thank god when is he the most animated

with you with me or like you know you see him the most so like when you see him the most so like when do you see him the most like wow look at him he's full of personality right now i'll tell you the only time and in 20 years that he's really been like just over the moon is when he was working on that movie this summer really he would work i mean you know you know the days are like 12 14 hour days come home fully happy fully energized thrilled best mood and then that mood lasted for like a month after he wrapped he was so happy to be an actor i think he really loved to act when i was doing Tom's Netflix show, I've never been more angry in the last 20 years. You hate it acting. I remember being in the shower. You're so good at it too. Thank you. I remember

being in the shower at like 5 a.m. one day and just thinking about killing Tom. Like in the shower. And when I saw him in the hair and makeup trailer, I said, you know what I did my whole shower this morning? I thought about different ways to kill you. He loved it. He's like, I was like, I swear it was the only thing getting me through. Like my whole body gets sick when I have to set an alarm for like 445. am i'm just not that and i know it's like you're spoiled you're this yes like yeah i i just i can't i can't do it i'm not a fucking farmer like i can't wake up at 445 but it's not pleasant i and i don't know if anybody's body ever really truly gets i don't know gets used to it because when i was doing the road a lot and you'd have to take that first flight out from california to the east coast and i would be up at like 3.34 in the morning get on that 6 a.m or get across the country to like connecticut fucking wake up the next morning to do radio at 5 a.m. and you do that for two days and then you know it's such a grind and I always felt

sick I always felt like puking yeah never quite rested and um that's brutal I have so much sympathy for garbage men who wake up at the butt fuck crack why why do they have to collect garbage at that early why can't they just do it why why so early I don't have less traffic or something I don't know is there can you Google that what is the utility because that's the thing it's like I know people would be like, man, being a garbage man sucks, it's like, I don't, I don't mind like work. I don't mind doing work. But once you say like, you got to be here at 6 a.m., I full, I just like completely shut down. I can't do it.

To avoid rush hour traffic, that makes sure, yeah, which allows them to complete their routes faster. But what about? I'd rather work all day. I'd rather, I'd rather do a job. This is so dumb, I know. I'd rather do a job that took eight hours if I could wake up when I want, then do something that took an hour if I had. to wake up at 5 a.m. Yeah, I feel that.

I just can't be like, I've talked about this before, but like in New York City, cab drivers used to be the angriest people in the world. And they're not anymore because they're Uber drivers now and they get to make their own schedule. So when you used to drive and you would get the medallion or you had the car for eight hours, it was like, okay, if I get the car at noon to eight, I have to work from the second I get it until the second I'm done. Where now I talk to Uber drivers and they're like, oh, at three o'clock, I turn the meter off,

I go pick up my son from school, I make them fucking lunch, I do. that i get to spend time with them and they're so much happier for sure that's making your own schedule is fucking so important you know i that's the greatest luxury of all is to be able to manage your time the way you want it boy is that a big privilege because i'm also but maybe it wouldn't bother me as much if i was somebody who could go to bed whenever they wanted like i know some people who were like oh if i got to go to bed at eight i go to bed at i cannot go to bed before two a am yeah no matter what like you anything and if i do like if when i wake up at four for you know working on Tom's show, doing whatever, within three days, I'm back to going bed at 2 a.m.

My body just, yeah, my body, it's from when I was living in Vegas. Like, I think my body just got hooked onto that. Like, I used to go to bed at like 7, 8 a.m. every day. That's not good for you. That can't be good for your body clocks. So bad. But I think the way I balanced it out was I would sleep for 16 hours. Yeah.

You know, and then I would never, I wouldn't be on a 24 hour clock when I lived in Vegas. Like I would, let's say I woke up at noon and then I went to bed at, 8 a.m. and then I would wake up at 6 p.m. And, like, I was just like, oh, I go to bed when I'm done and I wake up when I'm done. Like, I don't even think about it. It wasn't like a bed. There was no such thing as like, it's bedtime. Yeah. Well, you were on drugs. A lot. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why you wanted to stay up too. You're like, oh, I'm fucking feeling good right now. I don't want to go to bed. You know? I will say, being a mother, the, the one thing that I really detested about having kids. I

I love having my kids that waking up at the crack of dawn when they're little was the biggest, awfulest thing in the world. And now that they're old enough that I can go, I know you guys are going to wake up at six. Get on your iPads. I'll see you at eight. Just being able to tell them to fuck right off and get on their iPads, go make yourself a bowl of cereal. Now parenting is like, it's a joy. But they still come in and wake you up? Sometimes the little guy, he wants me to wake up and drink coffee and talk to him.

And sometimes I will. It depends. He's really, yeah, he's cute. He's a good conversationalist. We have a good time. It just depends. We went to dinner in New York. Oh, my God.

You want to talk about how I ruined our dinner in New York? Wait, my kid or you? Me, your kids were great. You're disgusting. I ruined your, you literally, you looked across the table at me. You said, don't ever do that again. You ruined my whole dinner. I got so much joy from that.

There's two port. There's two, because I don't even remember that one. I'm thinking of the one in the street. I don't know. I would go. Oh, my God. But I didn't know I was doing it. You're just like, you're talking and you're like, yeah.

And you were like, you just ruined my whole dinner. I don't want, tell them not to bring me what I ordered. I don't want it. So gross. It was so gross because you were getting over a cold. And you were sucking getting in the cold. It wasn't even a cold. It was just like I got to New York and like something wasn't right.

Oh, that was sick. Like, I felt great. That wasn't even the worst of it. So you're sucking in your snots during dinner, and I was like, this is revolting. And then we're walking. You're nice enough to walk my kids and I back to the hotel. And he's doing it again, sucking in the snot. And then he spits on the floor like an old Chinese guy.

That's what the street's for. Can you show me a clip of an old Chinese, that's what the street is for? Yeah, you spit. In not in America. Play it, play it. Do you have a Chinese guy spitting? or horking we can show him so disgusting give me a bucket i'll do it right here

oh throw out there you are oh they're spitting in each other there you are rob it's you and your friend that was what that's what you guys found that's crazy i thought they were kissing for a second i know right yeah you're like an old chinese guy spitting in the street so fucking disgusting so fucking disgusting you really hated it it really bothered you i don't like it That made me laugh

And you were telling your kid You were like Don't do what Rob is doing right now Of course Hey listen Rob You're an open-minded guy You're into your health Have you ever tried this?

Have you ever tried horse milk? I don't think horses make milk See This goes to the thing of like Would I rather her or the prison girl I think I go with the prison girl Unless she's doing this just because she thinks it's funny

then maybe I go with her but if she's doing it as like oh no I want to pass on like the knowledge I've learned on the farm I don't know I can't or she's just doing like a gap

I just I really struggle with the girls from prison stealing my money you know I wouldn't be able to sleep at night I'd rather than like hurt me than take my money you know I'd rather be like oh yeah she fucking stabbed me

I don't like because I don't want to have to go back to work I don't want to start having to wake up at 5 a.m. So it's like please just don't take my money Yeah, I don't think horses make milk. I think that's jizz, right? No, I said maybe that's a

Oh, really? Because I thought maybe it's like a pregnant woman horse or something. People drink horse milk. People drink horse milk. What? What? Permanent a beverage called kumis. Wow.

What? Arag. Well, it's Central Asia and Russia. Yeah, there's not much else in fucking Russia, right? Central Asia. No thanks. Yeah, do horse moms feed their young? Of course, yeah.

So then that's horse milk, right? Okay, so then why don't we drink more horse milk and make horse cheese if it's so fucking amazing? Oh, yeah. Would you try horse cheese? I'll try anything once. You know what I really want to do? And I haven't pulled the trigger yet because there's this guy on YouTube who I watch

who just, he works in like a cheese shop and he just talks about like this is the cheese we got today and he like cuts it open. He has such a passion for like the cheese and then he has like butter and all this stuff. And remember how you guys had the water sommelier on? Oh, yeah. I want to have the cheese guy on Not Today, pal. But I think, I don't know if people would, I think people might hate it to just watch me and Jamie eat cheese for a half hour.

But I want to do it so bad. But I'm like, I just don't want to bore people. But when you hear this guy talk, can you find, it's like Beverly Hills cheese shop. If you find this guy, he taught, it's just, when somebody's so passionate. Yeah, he's just so stoked on this subject. I get it when you're, that's why we loved Martin, the water sommelier, Because he was so passionate about it.

So passionate. See, it's this guy, it's that, not that guy, the other guy. To the, that first guy, yeah, he is the man. This guy, Alex. And this cheese right here from Fokkizrae, Krauss, it's called Alex. It just feels this whole life of cheese. This is a super artist in Alpine. Krauss is known for being very...

I want that slice. Very organic and very back to the land with their farming practices. Yeah. This is a lovely chocolatey alpine-style cheese That is going to go really nicely with white wine I especially love this type of alpine With white burgundy Or any other chardonnay that has just a little bit of alcohol

Okay, I can't watch it You know why? Could you imagine if I was dating a prison girl And she saw me watching this? She'd be like, what the fuck are you watching? I'm sorry, it's the cheese guy I couldn't, yeah Why don't you like it?

Why don't you like it? You know what it is. For me, dairy is very personal and shameful I eat cottage cheese in private Because I don't like other people watching me Dairy too I'm very weird about public cheeses Like I know he's wearing his glove

But then he put the piece of cheese out And this dirt bag puts his open palm out And he gets a palm full of cheese Yeah It's not very sanitary I don't know cheese is mucus to me It's like hard mucus And I prefer to eat this privately

This is not a public thing Cottage cheese I understand Because cod cheese is gross But like that I love I find that like sex Yeah, a nice wheel of cheese, like a nice big wheel of parm. Oh, oh. Do you think, you know, I'm, I'm sure you can just buy a big wheel.

How much do you think that would cost to buy? There's cheese shops. I bought, like, giant things of cheese before. You bought a button. Not a whole wheel. You've bought in a wheel of cheese? I've burglared. You burgled?

I burgled a whole wheel of cheese before. You can buy, oh, fucking hard thing. There's like $5,000 wheels of cheese. That's bananas, dude. Can you look up, yeah, how much is a wheel? Wheel of Parm. A wheel. Parmesano, Reggiano, $3,000.

Yeah. Imagine you got that for someone for their birthday. So stupid. If I showed up to your birthday party, just carrying in a big wheel of cheese. And I'm like, she's going to love this. Well, because you know, in the Italian restaurants, they put the pasta in there and then they cheese the pasta that way. I think those are fake Italian restaurants.

I don't think real Italians would be okay with that. In Italy, you don't think they do it that way? But they could even do it in Italy, but I think it's like a tourist trap. I don't think real genuine I don't think Nona I don't think Nona is throwing the thing in the wheel Yeah that's okay I like it

Mommy likes her see I just soft cheese is gross I think hard cheese is dope It's all disgusting Cheese is all that parm looks sexy You know what my favorite is When you go to a good Italian restaurant

And they give you free cheese When you're right when you sit down Whoa I'm like this is class It really is when you're like This is free Just like fucking Oh my God And they're like yeah

If you want more we'll bring it like wow yeah that's when I'm really wow I'm at my peak yeah you know when I get really like excited is when they give you butter but it's got salt on it yeah and then you're like wait this is free like that's fancy butter or when it's like it's got like chives or some shit in there and you're like whoa dude this isn't regular butter they took time and not and then now that there's YouTube you could watch people make that kind of butter on and you're like oh that's so easy I thought it would like they take the butter they put it in the microwave for 30 seconds they They put, like, the stuff in it, mix it around and put it back in the fridge.

And then it's just, it's like infused butter. But it seems brilliant. Bro, I've learned so much from TikTok. Like, I learned how to make full Korean food. I've learned how to draw. I've learned how to do, like, paper maching. Yeah, you can fucking learn anything now on TikTok. Do you watch, like, what type of people do you watch?

Like, who do you like to learn from? Well, the experts, obviously. But is there anything that you're drawn towards, like, like men, women, Asian? Like, what do you feel comfortable learning from? That's really interesting. That's, wow, I never thought about that, but that's true. Because we all have a bias towards, I really feel like Asian men know what's up. Yeah, and they're calm.

They're calm. They're knowledgeable. And I also, whenever there's an Asian man talking, I listen. Now, I'm also racist when it comes to my doctors. You want Indian? I actually know. Because they're the best, right? Aren't they?

Yeah. I think Jewish doctors are. good too, right? Jewish's and Indians. Indian, yeah, yeah. But when I was sick with the chestacular cancer, it was all Indians. Really? Did you have to kick any non-Indians out? Oh, I wouldn't even go visit like a non-ethnic. Or white, just a white. You were like, no, no, no, no. You were like, no, no, yeah, sorry. No, I wish. That'd be funny. So who do you trust most with your information? I don't know if it's a trusting, but I do need somebody who's like calm like I need somebody who is like calm or yeah there's this guy

watch who does like a financial thing if you ever watch him and he has like he's an Asian guy but he has like a real attitude where he's like like he's like you don't know that like you know his name is clear value tax if you want to look him up and he just talks about like the stock market and he'll be like he's like all right the jobs report is out today and he's like angry and it makes me laugh but also like gives you and I like that but I need somebody who's like very chill and like calm and not gonna yeah is that him this guy yeah how to build wealth faster even smart people miss this i love that he wears like nice suits and stuff but he just if you if you just play like five seconds of a clip if you see that he does like annoyed right off the bat in today's video

yeah i want to talk to you about financial opportunities that can fast track your wealth so these are ones that yeah he's already the demeanor is like come on you fucking dummies yeah and him i like because it, it, it, it, it, I'm never bored watching him. Where other people, when you just feel like you're learning, where with him, I'm like, oh, I can't wait to see what pisses them off. Yeah. And I'll tell you who I don't like to learn paper maching from is, is really slow talking older white women who are in their craft corner.

I'm like, I don't want to hear this, Martha, it's going to take you fucking way too long to get the thought out. I like to now, now, now, now, now, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go. Give me the information. What, what is, you, you paper mache now? I do everything. What is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, paper mashing? I don't even know. I'm not even confident. Now that I'm an artist, I've

sold art. I draw, I do pastels, oil pastels, and now I started you know, fucking, what's a shit called? Molding? Origami? Clay molding? Yeah, I make stupid shit like this. Paper machine. See, Mommy, I got to tell you,

when you were, when you were like drawing and doing your stuff, I was very supportive and I really liked it. I don't like, I don't like this. This is like dirty to me. When you start keeping these things in your house, you become dirty like in a year from now they're going to be like covered in dust and gross and I don't want you doing that can I tell you something you're not wrong I don't like this I'm I'm all I'm already upset with myself because I've bought mannequins from Amazon I'm putting paper mache on mannequins

and it's like wet you have to use like wet stop this I agree this is different thing I'm gonna throw out the mannequins and I'm just gonna go back to drawing and and painting very cool when you were doing that thank you yeah that's awesome like that's like respectful this is like this is like dirt yeah I feel like I think the homeless people in New York City used to do this they used to paper machet I love paper maching though it is fun I don't this really this really this puts like a sour this is like being at the airport for me I don't like this it really makes me upset and none of them are good well that's because these are like the bullshit ones like if you get on TikTok and you really fucking look up some paper machet stuff like these bitches can make some really

incredible pieces of art but I don't I agree it's kind of like it's annoying it's too messy The wedding, the wedding, like, what are you collecting newspapers to do this? Oh, yeah, I collect, and I was, and I was. Stop. I was like, don't throw out the Amazon packaging. I'm going to make some paper machine. Let me save you right now. You're done with this.

You're going to go home today. Or call, if you have somebody working on your house right now, like a nanny, call them now and tell them throw it all out. So when you get home, you don't even have to think about it. Because I don't want you doing this. I don't like this. No, and Tom. You were doing your, you had your gardening, you got your cat. I'm supportive of all of it.

This is no good for you. It's my era of hobbies, Rob. I got to stay home now. You skip this one. I'm fine with all your other hobbies. I think they're awesome. When you were making your goth room in your house, you showed me the bad thing.

Awesome. But this is really lame. Okay. Well, can I tell you something? I'm going to listen to your advice. Thank you. In my bedroom, Tom's been gone for two weeks. I've got boxes of right by the door of bullshit.

Boxes. Like I said, the mannequins, there's a mannequin in a box. This is really, this is what people. attracts mice my grandpa used to say when he didn't like something you're doing he'd be like that's how the mice come and you're like all right it's not wrong no they love like cardboard and paper you got to stop then you're gonna find like

remember when they clear it out I'm gonna fucking I'm throwing it out now remember when they cleared out the like Venice tents and they found like rat nests and under all that's what they're gonna find in your in your room you can't do that mommy it really makes me miss that show hoarders remember yeah that was so good yeah horrors is fucking class the key to being a hoarder is that you have to be willing to live in your own feces you have to live in shit because that's all they

live in like rat shit their own shit there's just shit everywhere see i love the people who like would have to climb through their place to like find stuff but as soon as somebody was like i shit in a bucket and i was done i can't i can't then you're just a fucking you're it just became not i remember like you're the stages there's different types if you had pathways to things you were like a contained hoarder. Like if there were still pathways, you were okay. I remember some of them, they found dead cats. Yeah, yeah, 75 of them.

75 of them. I remember that. Mommy, no paper machet for you. I'm turning it away. I think the first step to this is paper machin. This is horrible. But I can make a pumpkin for Halloween. Yeah, that has to.

And then you're like, you can't throw these out because, and it's like, they're garbage. That's what I'm doing. And I'm convincing myself that the kids are going to paint the paper machet pumpkin I made. Guess what? I made that pumpkin a month. go nobody's fucking painted it anything let me save you here i'm very supportive of all your hobbies i get i get to uh what do you call it cancel one i could just please this is that's horrible

paper masheing this is good you're like dipping newspapers and hold on is that a deal breaker if you were to date a new lady 100% if on her dating profile she's like oh my free time i like to paper machet done x swipe left i can't do it what about what about a urine drinker just hold on she drinks it for health. Is this an either or thing, paper mache or urine drinking? Yeah, this is a separate thing. A separate thing, then no. But if I have to choose paper mache or drink urine, like maybe she's like on the cutting edge of something with the urine. But you have to kiss her, French kiss her. Because honestly, but she's hot. Okay, but I was thinking about this with Tim, like, what if Tom, now in his health craze, in addition to the sauna, the cold

plunge, he's like, you know what, babe, you got to drink your own urine. And he starts drinking his piss and I'm like yeah I gotta fucking kiss that mouth but is he making you drink yours or he's just drinking his and he doesn't care what you do then I don't think that would bother you after two weeks I think you'd forget all about it but then you have to kiss I kiss his mouth and so what and the beard's gonna smell like piss and everything's in the beard yeah I guess I don't clean the beard okay what about what about if this girl is a a free bleeder like one of these period advocates do you know these chicks and they're like I'm not going to be confined by cortex I'm gonna yeah Just bleed on my pants and stuff

I dated a girl who tried using like a cup I was like I don't want any part of this I was done as soon as she said there's a cup inside of her I was like I'm just I'm out Again I'm not like fiending for a relationship So as soon as I don't like something you know I'm not somebody who's like why am I not in a relationship I fully know why

Because I'm like I like being alone And I have to find somebody who it's better than being alone And I don't why hey And the older and crazier you get I agree this thought of yours is not wrong my friend And by the way I don't go like I can do all this stuff. You can't. Like, if I said I have a cup in my ass and you were like, I'm out, I'd be like, yeah. You know what I mean? Wait a minute. Hold on. If you could

theoretically put a period cup in in your vagina to catch the blood, can't you do a diarrhea cup? But diarrhea is so much. So what? It's okay. What menstrual blood? You can put a big bucket in there. You could put a big bucket in your ass. You could put like a long condomy length. Can't you put something in there? I would rather just diarrhea. Oh, wow. I'm surprised nobody's invented this. Well, I think it's insane.

Yeah. I think you'd sell one. Yeah, I don't know. You wouldn't be able to pay for the molding. Once you made one and somebody, you know, who's going to buy? It's horrible. I could never. Right.

Because think about it. Tried. You would, now you have this overflowing thing of diarrhea. You have to pull out and clean and it's just too, just diarrhea. I get so nervous about. leaving the house for a while I when you have diarrhea you're saying yeah like there was like a time in my life where I had really bad phobia of vomiting and I would this is like in my 20s I was so anxious and when I get anxious I get the OCDs and I was like I'd count the hours after I'd eat stuff so I'd be like

okay I have four hours I don't have food poisoning I'm not going to vomit and it got so bad that I was like oh god I just ate something I can't get on the freeway like I can't get on the freeway in L.A because what if I'm stuck in traffic and then I'll get diarrhea you know what I mean like there has to be a solution for diarrhea on the run. But it was throwing up you were worried about or diarrhea? Both, both. Then it went to diarrhea. But why is there no solution for diarrhea?

There needs to be like a diarrhea diaper. There has to be something. I think it's just a diaper. I think a diaper is a diarrhea diaper, right? Like little kids are always shitting. That's true. Like, yeah, I think just wear a diaper if you want. Oh, wow.

You know, it just had a Pichitsky effect. Like, I didn't think I could wear a diaper for anything other than pissing in. And now you're telling me I could diarrhea in it as well. Yeah, I mean, there's only one other thing. You could also do that. What? Pooping, yeah. Oh, wow.

You could poop in a diaper. Isn't that crazy how your brain gets stuck in one place? And you're like, but I can't, this thing is for this thing only. Like, I came to, you were texting the other day about you had one. And then I was like, yeah, I had this epiphany that I can listen to Christmas music any time of the year. Right. It's not just relegated to December. But then does it still make it like as good?

when December comes around? Yeah, because I want to listen to it more. I love it. Okay. Now I listen to it all the time. But do you have it mixed in with like other songs or is it like, no, it's Christmas or? I'm like an autistic where I listen to the same music. There's no deviation.

My kids tell you exactly what I listen to all. It's the same fucking thing. Wait, no, tell them your Pichitsky effect. So I had two in the same spot. So it was when I was doing like my dishes or washing my hands in the kitchen sink, I would get water everywhere, like every time. And it was like, oh, I got, and then it would like leave stains sometime of like trailing on the counter, like the water. And I'm like, oh, I forgot to like wipe it up. And it was a kind. And then I realized I'm like, oh, I don't have to put the water on full blast. Like I could just put the faucet on halfway. Right. But, but now I, like, I realize that. And I still, every time I put the faucet on, I go full blast. And then the water's going on. I'm like, oh, I can, I can turn it halfway down. And then the other thing was I have, so I have my bathroom sink. And that's where I have a soap dispenser. And I keep the soap dispenser. And I keep the soap. And I. And I keep the soap. refill under there. So I fill it up, whatever. But I also have a soap thing in my kitchen

on my kitchen sink. But sometimes I would get empty and I'd be like, I got to go fill it up and I'd be like, I don't feel like filling it up right now. So I would just wait. And then I'd be like cooking later in the day and I'd be like, oh, I didn't fill it up. And now I can't watch my hands. It's this whole thing. But I realized I could buy another soap refill and put that under my kitchen sink. Yeah. So then I could just fill it up because I don't want to go Yeah. Anytime. And by the way, my bathroom is 20 feet away.

I just go, I don't want to do it. I'm like, I can't go in the bathroom and get the thing. You know, I'm like, fuck it. And then I just have an empty soap thing for days. But now I'm like, oh, no, I could keep one under here. And it's changed my whole life. I know. This is stupid.

You're like, I can just do that thing. And now I'm just fucking retarded. So dumb. And I'm like, wow, this is really nice. Well, you know what I just figured out too? You know, I wash my hair and my hair is wet and my body's wet. I get out of the shower. I can bring two towels, one for my hair, one from my body.

Yeah, that's a life-changing moment. It really is. That happens to me when I was like 30. And I did it, and I was like, wait a minute. I could just wrap, instead of being naked while I dry my hair and like cold. And cold's dripping. Yeah. I'm like, oh, I can just fucking wrap this around my waist and then dry everything else with this towel.

It's very nice. Two towels. Yeah, game changer, for sure. Wow. Who are we? Yeah, Rockefellers. Fancy. okay let's uh let's time for for uh for for for ticot hold on you know what we haven't done in a long time

i heard you bitch is looking for me yeah do you like being on that side of the table no no no sometimes like here's what i do oh shit oh we're back yeah let's start over here's what i do like is that i get to be in charge of what we listen to and uh this is my favorite I love the You know what I mean? You know what I'm saying? Shows out to Humbold, Mitch, you know what I'm saying? Hell yeah, you know what I'm saying?

I just love you, you know what I'm saying? Shouts out to Humboldt, Mitch. Okay, anyway. By the way, if you want it, I have a great throw-up story. No, thanks. I'm good. I try it, guys. I don't want to.

I'm going to do immersion therapy next to try to get over it. How do you do that with vomit? Well, you watch a million videos of people. people puking over and over to get, becomes desensitized. It's like stand-up, like the first seven years, you're anxious, you're nervous, and then by year 10, you're like, I don't give a shit anymore. I'm over myself. But some people say that never goes away.

Like, some people say they black out every time they go and, like, do stand-up. People who do it for years. They're not professionals. There's no way. I won't name who says that all the time. It's like a 20-year veteran. I know people who have been doing it for a very long time, whose podcast I listen to who are like, yeah, I just totally fucking black out.

like I like when you're getting when you're going out but they're like 10 minutes before I'm fine but then it's like right when you get up there it's like uh like you know oh like one what you say like one thing that doesn't go the way you want and then it's like uh and then you're like i just black out yeah that's rucky shit you're a pro bonn't it's not 20 years that that does happen though don't get me wrong yeah all that stuff happens but you learn how to whatever deal with it i don't know maybe it's because i don't give a shit anymore about yeah i think it's more of a life thing than a professional stand i think you get to a point in life where you go i don't fucking care like what are these people not going to laugh that's fine yeah suck my dick

I almost died this year last year okay right you're ready for my talks yeah as we know as you know if you don't know I like to showcase the marginalized communities of TikTok here you go you're gonna be shocked what I have to say about this okay did you get enough of that flavor go ahead I could date You want to know why? Why? Because I know she can go in the garage and do her own thing for like eight hours. I know it.

She's not going to be like, what are we doing? What do you want to do? Hey, you want to go for a this? She's just going to be, I'm just going to be fucking watching your mom's house on the couch. And I'm going to hear tack to tack, tack. And I know she's all right. I kind of like this. Yeah, you got to find a lady who has her own hobbies that are not paper machine.

Okay, I got you. But what about this when she's like, Rob, you got to hear my new song. Oh, fine. Yeah I'll be like hell yeah babe Keep it up Hours and hours Yeah I'll be like

I want you to do that But I need like a 15 minute rendition of it Get back in the garage Go ahead You master that shit Look at her She's in her fucking She's in her

Blit She's great So happy She's gonna come in in a great mood Oh yeah I'm telling you this is my kind of gal She's got a thing That's all you need in life

Is a hobby I think Now here's the good news for you And for everybody listening Watching She sells tickets to live performances You can pay to see this woman play various things like clackers or spoons or what have you. And yeah, she charges. And just like that, our relationship fell apart.

Because if she's making me go to any one of her shows, I'm out. Oh, yeah, you got to support. You got to be supportive. Don't you want to be supportive? No, I'll be supportive in other ways. I'm not going to watch her go play that little plastic piano on stage in front of other people and have to pretend like she did good. You know what's so funny is that even, you know, someone asked me their day, are you coming to Tom's? special taping in November and I was like, nope.

No fucking way. No, we don't watch each other. Okay, here we go. This says going through TSA with my reborn baby, part two. So this woman essentially is carrying a newborn doll and she's in a wheelchair. Maybe she has a broken leg. She's pretending that the doll is real. And she's got two dogs with her as well.

So she's already, there's a lot going on. She should be on a no-fly list. She shouldn't be a lot to fly. She's crazy. That's a problem solved. Terrorist. Also, I do know for a fact, those are not fucking, what are they called? Service dogs?

Yeah, they're not fucking service dogs. Of course not. None of them are. Nobody's. Yeah. Those are just pets, you dumb bitch. We know that. Yeah.

Okay, we fucking know. Yeah. Stupid real newborn baby. Reborn baby. These are women that have never had newborns. Once you've had one, you're like, I'm good. I don't ever need to do that again. That was so traumatizing.

Or you just want one that shuts up all day. Like that's got to be. She just wants to feel that thing that's like on her and needs her but doesn't actually. Is that a thing like reborn babies? Like is that a thing that people are into now? It's on TikTok and you can buy them and they're very lifelike and they weigh what normal babies weigh and stuff and it's terrifying. If I saw her getting on the plane with this. This is why I hate airports and I hate this stuff because this is who, you're a problem.

You're a real problem to me. You interfere with my entire life. Well, with the two dogs already. She's got two dogs. All of it. All of it. There's nothing about her that I go, well, at least this. No, nothing redeeming.

I hate it all. She sucks. Instead of praying with your hands, you can also pray with one hand and one foot or with two hands and feet. This way you have not only prayed, but also, stretch your toes. And don't forget to walk barefoot and to wear barefoot shoes. Can I tell you I just bought toe separators from Amazon?

Good for you. Well, I like to walk a lot. I get at least 10,000 steps a day. And one of my toes started going underneath one of my other toes and creating like a callus. Whoa. Yeah. So I was like, well, I think I need like, I was like, our toe separators is a thing.

And I went on Amazon and they're a big thing. So like, I think I'm going to sleep with my right foot with toe separators on from now on. Or you could see a doctor. Well, he's just going to tell me that I got to separate my toes. You think so? What else is he going to do? Stop walking? No, but maybe give you like a splint to straighten it out or something to wear.

That's what the toe separator is. No, you're right. All right. Right. Rob, just keep doing what you're doing what you're doing. Yeah. You don't need a toe. I'm doing great.

Your toes turning into a callus. You're doing good, man. We're doing good. All right. Yo, what's up, guys? We're here at 4 a.m. in the morning and nobody's here. It's awesome. No one's here at the gym

It's so awesome, dude I was here yesterday at 5 a.m. Yeah But there's people here So I was like, you know what? Yeah I'm gonna go on 4 a.m. I'm gonna hit the gym

No excuses Get it. There's no excuses. Come on, let's go. 4 a.m. Let's go. He's like Mark Wahlberg, a clown, and Uncle Junior from Sopranos all mixed in one.

Can you look up Uncle Junior from Sopranos? His glasses. That's that's what he's wearing, yeah. He totally has this. You know what's so confusing about the, there you go. Yeah, he's Uncle Clown. You know what's so confusing to me about this guy is?

You would think somebody who does that to themselves loves attention. So why would you want to be in the gym alone? That's what I was wondering. Like, is he doing it so people don't stare at his face because he's covered in face tattoos? But the whole reason people do that is because they want attention, don't they? I don't know. You know, I do think you start it. Like, I have a feeling when he was on methamphetamine in his 20s, like this was a great idea.

And now that he's 40 and he's not on the meth anymore, it's like, what do you do? You can't have all that laserd off, right? Yeah, he's like the finance guy. He's like, oh, yeah, I'm in the gym with the tattoos today. Everybody wants to look at me. Oh, he's over it, you know? Hey, at least he's working off. Oh, here we go.

Up next, we have an open support marshalots created. Us. It's Nicholas Cagia. Us. Us. Back roll. Excellent agility. Here at the American Internationals in Atlantic City.

What do you think? Haraz. You say Haraz? You say Haraz Casino? He did? Wow. Wow. Haraz Casino. I've done that place.

Haraz Casino. I've never. I've spent more time in casinos than anyone you'll probably ever have on this show. I've not heard. I've stayed at Harris for months at a time. I've never heard one person say Haraz Casino. That is brilliant. He's reporting from Haraz Casino.

Yeah. I'm like, is that the Middle East? That's what I thought he was like. Hamas. He's saying Harris? Yeah. They never told. him like the name of the hotel

you're welcome to Harris. I wonder what he calls Seizers. Caesars? Kisars? Well, I mean, yeah. By the way, this guy's a black belt? Come on. Yeah, he's amazing. What's wrong with you? You've never seen agility like that before? I think he's a white belt. Wow. Yeah, I mean, he's good. Great. Great. He's moving around the Mac. He's doing, he's calling

all the right stuff, but I don't think he's a black belt. Okay. I think black belt. I think black belts are a little. You know what? Harrah's Harrah. I think he's a black belt. You say her. I haven't had anyone by. I went from me, actually. I've just made a few of them. But this is pretty.

I like this one. This is what you're doing with the paper machet. This is you right here. I see no difference between her and you. Oh, I like it. I'm going to keep it for my display at my vendor events. Please tell me that's eggplant. No, it's her placenta display, a placenta dream catcher, which is cool because dream catchers,

they're not usually made out of organic material. and I'm trying to find the positive this dream gathering. It's so, like there's just nothing about, I don't, she's even using like,

is that a medical pad or like a wee-wee pad that she's making it on? Oh, right, it's a wee-we-pad. Just all of this is horrible. But how do you keep the placenta from getting rotten

and smelly? I don't like any of this. Maybe you have to slack it or, you know, you know what else I see people like this doing? They use like their kitchen scissors

to do everything. Yeah. Like they open an Amazon package. They make a fucking placenta sandwich or whatever she's doing. And then they cut like the chicken pack open. That is this, mommy. That is so disgusting. That is so disgusting.

That bothers me so much. You got it. It's so gross. So use your kitchen scissors to open Amazon packages. You know why? You're an animal. You know why? You're an animal.

Because they're sharp. They're nice and sharp. All scissors are sharp. Not as sharp as the kitchen scissors. Mommy, this is the whole Pajitsky effect. You can get two scissors. No. Next you're going to.

to tell me that I shouldn't be wiping my hands on my pants, which I do. And now I've upgraded to napkin dress. There's a dress that I have that I wipe my hands on. You and Tom had me over for dinner and you made chicken for me. And now I know you cut the chicken packages with your fucking Amazon box scissors. And it's disgusting. You're welcome. You should be ashamed to yourself. I can't believe you did that. Okay. Here you go. I want you to produce me some cabbage, carrots, and corn. I want you to produce me some green beans. I want you to produce me some less. I want you to produce me some produce. Produce me some produce.

I want you to produce me some produce. I want you to produce me some produce. I want you to produce me some produce. I want you to produce me some spinach. What do you think is... OCD? Require for a healthy diet. I want you to produce me some produce.

Who's he talking about? I want you to produce me some produce. I don't know. You know what it is, is it that he figured out that the word produce and produce, it's spelled the same, but it's like Harrah's Harrah's. Like, do you think that he's like, oh, I get it. The word produce to produce, it's the same word, but it's not. I want you to produce me some produce.

Yeah, he thought it was funny, and now he's just like. Use me some produce. I want you to produce me some produce. I want you to produce me some produce. He just keeps going and gone. I like him. See, this is a look into his head. Like my head has the things that go on all.

day. Please. Please. Please. Yeah. I want you to please. He's still going. What else is his, what else is his feed like? What is he like? You don't want to know.

I kind of, I don't know. I'm really interested in what else he does. I don't know. Let's keep going. These people were having dinner in the air and one of the harnesses broke. Do you like to travel? Can I tell you? I have no.

I have no feeling for when bad things happen to people like this So these people are like This looks like it's in Florida Maybe in Miami And they're up in like a crane And it's a bar in the sky

And then of course One of the harnesses breaks Oh Lord it's hot Oh Yeah of course This is terrifying So we start raising You know we're excited

I'm recording You know everything Kind of felt fine And then as we're going up It started shaking a little bit And it was like, whoa, wait, why is it shaking? And then when we got all the way to the top, it spying. And then with the ropes pop, we tilted, started spinning, being on the wall,

we're screaming, glass and bottles were flying everywhere. A girl's nose got busted. Even the workers were crying and ducking down and trying to hide. And then they finally, like, lowering us down, lowering us down. And then when we finally got to the ground, like it hit like the ground they hit like the ground they were lowering us

and lowering us I tell you this is the problem with dating women want to do things just to do things they just can't sit still that's why the girl in the garage doing the fucking knick-knack paddywack I'm like I could see

because I know she's all right she's not going to go hey there's a restaurant that just opened on a crane down the street you want to go I'll be like go in the garage and spin your shit around you love that you know where this is like this is what they make you do when you're dating they go oh my god did you

hear about the crane bar yeah no I did I never want to hear about yeah and it's so novel it's like they want it's like you know what it may be the most angry like right after COVID when like it was okay to like really fly again they were doing flights to nowhere for people who loved flying and missed it during COVID so you could get on a flight here at Austin Airport fly around and it just comes back to and people were like cheering on the plane like yes we love And that's what these people do. It's like you can't sit still. Like you can literally leave this room right now

and come back in 48 hours and you'd be like, hey, I'd be like, what's up? I don't need restaurants in the sky. Like I don't just chill. Yeah, I think too, I'm really averse to manufactured fun like this too. I hate it. You know what I really hate? Oh my God. And it is my nightmare.

You'll see it in places like Nashville, mostly like these bridal capitals. It's where they, it's a pedal. bar they're all they're getting drunk and peddling together yeah and they're always in great shape those ladies they're not sweating at all you know and they're in like cowboy boots here because they think it's cute so they're like sweating they're in like these cowboy their feet stink nightmare whole thing is just awful i mean look having a drink cool but i don't want to do it anywhere novel anywhere we have to exercise anywhere dangerous no i want when i used to drink it was like give me

the dark i want like a place that you're like is that place open and then you go inside and there's like a guy who's like what do you want and like you can't say anything but like i want tequila on the rocks he's like here bang give it to you you know what also i don't care for don't tell tom is like like fine dining experiences where they light the shit on fire or like oh yeah i don't want tricks 50 courses and i'm like i don't want to sit here i want to eat and i want to leave i don't want to be here if if the food's great i'm okay with i went somewhere here last night and had like a short rib that came on the bone oh that's fucking phenomenal it was so good nothing they had a thing where the woman was like well we have like a flaming board that your thing could

come on i was like i don't want to hear anything i just want my food like i don't i don't want a circus like i don't i know it's like you know now when like you go to clubs and stuff they come out with these like lighting up wands and with your sign with your name on it it's like i'm trying to fucking get drunk like what is a parade for me i know and i also I also don't, I don't really like any extra attention from the wait staff or anything. Like, it's okay. You don't have to, like, talk to me about the dishes. Like, I know what I like.

Like, I already look, I did my homework. I know I'm here. I don't need you to, I want to make small talk. I'm going to good, dude. I'm like, anyway. We were talking about this yesterday, the whole, like, on an Uber putting, like, don't talk to me. Yeah. And it's like, I just don't have the hard to do it, but I think I might start.

I just, it's, it's time. Because what somebody was saying is like, well, maybe you could be doing the Uber person of Faber. Maybe they feel like they have to be like, hey, how are you? Because it'll give them like a better tip or rating where it's like I want one of my best friends in New York who's probably the nicest guy I know. I've told this story a lot. He on, so you used not be able to set preferences on Uber, like don't talk to me. So he put his name as don't talk to me. So they would know not to.

And he was the nicest kid I knew. And I'd be like, how do you? I couldn't get in because I'm asking this person a favor to drive me somewhere and they're doing this thing and I'm in their car so it's like listen

if they want to talk to me I'm not just going to be like hey don't fucking talk to me feels really rude feels rude I agree I only tip I rank based on smell smell and driving style

like if the guy's got a lot of cologne that gives me a headache I don't want to smell if it's reeks of cigarettes and cologne forget about it You should be able to say why you're not tipping. Like you should be able to be like... Oh, I still tip, but I won't like give him the stars or whatever.

I won't rate him. I just, I won't give him a negative rating. I just won't... But see, that's the thing. If you go like for a bad rating, they're like, why? And I don't, I just, I feel bad like pulling someone's rating down. I don't want to do that. But I would like to let him know what he's doing.

Like, dude, you're fucking, it's powerful back here. Like, you stink. I don't think you smell yourself, though. You just don't smell yourself. When you put that much cologne on, those guys don't smell it anymore. Yeah. Yeah. That's all of Eastern Europe. Okay, one last tech talk. Hello, everybody. So I decided to, uh, why not make a collection update on my, uh, vacuums here.

It's a cool shirt. Yeah, so as you see here, it's, uh, don't mind the cat. Uh, it's pretty much been the same. Um, maybe some machines have been moved around. Why would we mind the cat? Nothing really much has changed. And as you see over here, nothing much has changed. with this stuff over here. Then if you walk in here, some machines

that were in here, they were, like, junk. Like, they were broken. Why I kept broken things? I don't know. But they're gone. Even I organize this. It doesn't look like it. But, yeah.

Ironically, a room full of vacuums, filthy carpet. How's that guy? Wow. I didn't even, yeah. I just, this is the most. I hate this guy. I hate ever.

Like, what are you? What's wrong with you? Don't you collect anything? No. I hope you guys enjoyed this little update. I enjoyed the update. I enjoyed the update. I loved it.

He's got a vacuum collection. There should be a movie about like the vacues come to life and kill him. No. How dare you. Rap, he's collecting vacuys. I hope he sells them. They look like they're in good shape. But that's a lot of money.

Like it's a time. It's like a hundred bucks each like these things. That's a fucking lot. That's like at least 10 grand. Like right there probably. Money in the bank, dude. Sell these vacuble. What's this guy doing?

He's sitting on a gold mine is what he's making. Loud-ass old vacuums and the bag would blow up. And the cord wasn't long enough so your fucking grandma would have to keep moving it around. I know. It's fun that my kids like to vacuum. I let them. They don't know what they're doing, but I let them. What do you think of the new eye masks on the planes?

Have you seen that? That wraps around the headrest? No. Oh, can you look up the eye mask on the plane that wraps around the headrest? This is one of these things in life where I go, I really, I've really. really don't care what people think about me. Like, the same thing with the fucking, like, don't talk to me in an Uber, but it feels rude.

Like, there's something about this where I go, I don't care what people think about me. For some reason, I can't do this. Yeah. So that, if you... Oh, I'm the... Yeah, I can do this. I don't know if that... No, that I can do, but what it is is, there's one where you have that mask on, and then,

so you don't, like, fall over. Like, a hood goes around the back of the seat, like, like that. So now you're stuck there. I love that. I wish I would have had that 20 years of traveling. You know what it is? think I still have the shame of because like when you're in first class and the people walk by like I only fly once a year really so I fly first class and like when the people walk by I do feel

shame like I don't belong in first class and I feel bad that all those people are going back there and I'm not so like I think adding this would just be like you fucking asshole you know what I mean you just can't it's too like I don't like I don't deserve to be this comfortable no I understand you're still flogging yourself you're wearing your hair shirt on the plane I do think it It looks like it pulls you back too aggressively. It straps you in there. It really straps your head. I don't know.

I mean, when I travel, I'll do the eye mask. I'll do a hoodie over it to cover that. I'm down with that. Zip that shit up and the neck thing. And then I'll pass it out. See, I'm okay with all that. But once it comes to like, because also like there's usually a TV on the back of the seat behind you.

So aren't you getting in the way of, aren't you just like taking that person's ability to watch TV away? Oh, that's true. I didn't even think about that. I just don't like being a menace. It's like, it brings extra attention and be like, look at the guy. You got to go see the guy in the front who's got this fucking contraption on who like can't fly three hours without this spoiled, rotten. I didn't even think about that. Oh, but you know what I did reveal to Jamie lately that I've done that I'm so proud of and happy with and I'm so content.

So I was like, it's time. I'm getting a shoehorn. So I got like a three foot long shoehorn by my front door. and when I put my shoes on I just put the, like it's three foot long so you don't even have to bend over at all you put the shoehorn in the back of the shoe you slide your feet in

it is so nice Mr. Belvedere, look at you! So nice, but here's the thing that I wasn't expecting. The three foot shoehorn came with a little mini shoehorn and when I was leaving for the airport to fly to New York I was like oh let me put my shoes on it and I was putting the shoehorn thing on

and I was like wait a minute and I didn't even realize I could do this I'm like I could put the little shoehorn in my book bag and when I go through security at the airport, I can put my shoes back on with the little mini shoehorn and I can have the mini shoehorn the whole time in New York. Whoa! You just blew my mind. It changed, it changed carrying around with you the whole time. I had in my backpack, there's a little slot and I had the shoehorn in there and it made me feel so much better. I've never used one. I've never used one in my life. I would never even, I don't deserve a shoehorn. You do. It's so nice to not have to

bend over when you, because sometimes like you come in, you take your shoes and go out, you like back and forth and back and forth. And it's like just to be able to be like, and Hold on, but doesn't the three-foot shoehorn, that's not long enough from a standing position, right? Yeah, it is. To have to sit down? No, no, no. You stand up, because think about your lower body. How long is from your hand to your foot?

It's like five feet. Yeah. Yeah, you're about 11-2, right? Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Mommy, it is such a luxury. And by the way, it's like $9.

I know. And it changes your whole life. I know. It's so sweet. I believe you. And I keep it, like, hidden in a corner when I'm walking out, so it doesn't even, not in the way, nothing. You want people to see it. It's embarrassing.

It's like a squatty potty that's out. I'm proud of my squatty potty. I'm proud of the shoehorn. That's disgusting. I just said it in front of a million people. I don't hide it at all. Do you at least hide the squatty potty if a lady comes here? Not at all.

I'll wipe the piss off of it. I'll clean it. I'll clean the piss off. You know what I'll do? Sometimes I just throw it in the shower and run the shower to get all the pee off. Oh my God. Who's grosser though? Rob Eiler or Christina.

That's normal, guys. No, Rob is far grosser. Okay, what's grosser? This is normal. Me doing paper mache and using napkin dress. Yeah. Or this, the Squatty Potty and he rinses the piss off of it when a girl comes over? That's class.

Leaving the pee is gross. Leaving the squatty potty is such a vaj dryer, dude. I don't want to see how you shit. You're not. You're knowing that I have proper. Like, just looking at my toilet, then you're going to know how I shit. Don't look at my toilet. No, but I mean, I don't want to see you.

the vision of you with your knees up to your face. My knees are going to be two inches lower if I don't use the squatty potty. That's all right. Giving birth like your your birthing. Yeah. I do a little poop heimlich kind of action. Yeah. Right, Neanna?

Yeah, I don't like to see men's shitting apparatus. But I mean, it's just a footstool. It's a lot more than that. It's a custom shit stool. We have one here. But my toilet is a custom shit vacuum. that's okay but do you have a wash flat no not now since i moved here i didn't i had it in la i don't have it here yeah you know what i was thinking about just get a tushy you know what you see

like in hotels or like when you see people usually on 90-day fiance because that's how i travel the world they when they get in a hotel and they're on the toilet they have like it's just like you know that thing that used to come out of the sink and you spray water yeah like that's what they it's like an old-fashioned bidet how do you not get water everywhere using that you do you do that's the problem with a bidet how this is what i'm saying Yes, this is the problem. I never knew how to use a bidet in Europe because I would splash everywhere.

You're supposed to take down your whole pants, everything? I jerked off on one of those in Vegas. That's a great story. Thank you so much, Rob, for being here. I did. You jerked off into a bidet? No, no, no. Like, I let it, like, so I was like,

what would this feel like? Because I never used a bidet in my life. And they gave, like, it was an appearance, like to do an appearance. They gave me this, like, crazy nice room by myself. And I was like, I got nothing to do. I'm just, like, looking around for stuff to do. After I pooped, I'm like,

Oh, let me use a bidet for the first time. So you squat over it, you turn the knob, and then it washes your butt. And I was like, if I jerked off with this thing spray in my butt with the water, it'd probably be phenomenal. So I did it. And it was. It was fucking awesome. You need to get a bidet again. And you know what?

Something that nice. I only did it that one time. Never did it again. Really? Yeah. Well, because the bidet is now, like, the, like, fucking bidet. It, like, shoots water at you. This was just, like, a nice run kind of.

Like, it was like a fountain almost. It wasn't like a direct like That's not really pleasurable The bidet that like shoots like a like a water gun Like when you're at the carnival and you shoot in the clown's mouth Too much Yeah that's what it's so that's not like oh I want to jerk off on this But in in Haraz when they gave you that really nice room

I was like hey let me jerk off on this bidet Reporting live from Haraz Badee You just inspired all the male listeners of this show To jerk off on their bidetes Thank you so much Rob Eiler God bless for being here and sharing that with us Thank you for having me. It's been a while. I miss podding with you. It's been a long time. We used to do where my mom's out all the time and have fun.

I'm happy you're better now. I'm happy you're back. She's back. She's here. She's queer. Get used to her. Get well soon, Tom. Yeah, get well soon. He's in rehab. Yeah. All right. Well, I love you mommies. Okay, until next time. Well, how would you know how to identify a stinky beeve? Take her to a club. I can tell you some other ways.

Finger her and then take a chance and go smell it. Ooh, your cheeks opening. Why are you sweaty? Open up, open that. Booty chicks opening. Why are you sweating? Open that, open up, open that. Woody chicks opening. Why are you sweating?

Open up, open that. Booty chicks opening. And then the snail comes out. Where are you credential, Dr. Mel? Take her to a club. Then you can try smelling dirty, dirty underwear. Definitely. Just eat that, stinker.

Eat that, eat that, eat that, eat that, eat that, eat that, eat that sinker. Just eat that, eat that, eat that stinker. I mean, if we're going to go. through the trouble of having her twerk, and then finding her dirty undies and sniff him. Why not just hook up with her and find out? Take her to a club? Make her twerk her twerk. You should say, I can't twerk because it's smelly.

Who you see? Do the cheeks opening? Why are you sweating? Open that, open that, open that. Open that. Open that, open that, open that. Just eat that. Eat that.

Eat that. A.R. T.