Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - Wildest Lifestyles w/ Moshe Kasher | Your Mom's House Ep. 745

Episode Date: February 7, 2024

SPONSORS: -Right now get 50% off a ONE-TIME PAYMENT FOR A LIFETIME Babbel subscription - but only for our listeners - at https://Babbel.com/YMH -Don’t miss out on all the action this week at DraftKings! Download the DraftKings app today! Sign-up using https://dkng.co/mom or through my promo code MOM. -Go to https://Saatva.com/theshit to get $200 off ANY mattress of your choice. It’s another episode of YMH with Todd and Christine! We start the week with a DENTAL UPDATE and open the show with a clip courtesy of the double soul shaman. Tim and Kristin then share a few new airtight stories submitted by fans, they also discuss the recent Vince McMahon allegations, play a game of "Would You Rather?", plus introduce a very cool guy by the name of Tony P. Comedian Moshe Kasher joins the Main Mommies to discuss his new book "Subculture Vulture" and talks about his time in rehab, his running streak of attending Burning Man and the San Francisco rave scene. Moshe then shares stories from his experiences as an ASL interpreter and how growing up with a deaf family impacted his life. The trio also talk about Moshe's wife Natasha's recent appearance at the Improv and the value of trying new things. They also watch a butthole arts and crafts video, some TikToks from the double soul shaman, and some “Horrible or Hilarious” clips, plus more of Christina's curations! https://tomsegura.com/tour https://christinaponline.com/tour-dates https://store.ymhstudios.com https://www.reddit.com/r/yourmomshousepodcast Your Mom’s House Ep. 745 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Yeah, I got the video I've been looking for. Look at that. I thought it was just a push-up video, but it turns out it's a carnage video. What do you doing? I remember a vegan girl. I was like, why are you fat? It's a mystery, isn't it? Yeah.

So I call and the cop picks up and we start the call and like I'm going to sound like the interpreter. We're about to begin. And then, bam, the guy starts signing. He's like, fuck you, motherfucker. Fuck the police. You fucking surveilling me. I know you're surveilling me. I'm like, oh, he's unmet.

Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. Mercy is coming to theaters January 23rd. This is the mercy core powered by artificial intelligence. Detective Raven, you're charged with the murder of your wife. I'm not guilty. You have 90 minutes. To prove it.

Or you will be executed. He must use the tools. Every camera and cell phones at your disposal. To solve the mystery. Can I see my daughter's social? Hear that? Someone was in my basement. Chris Pratt.

Maybe she found something she wasn't supposed to. Rebecca Ferguson. You must move from one piece of the puzzle to the next. No, I have something here. Oh my God. Mercy. rated PG-13 may be inappropriate for. Children Under 13. Only in theaters, January 23rd.

Welcome. French Excellence. To your mom's house. I usually don't do this this early, but... Oh, wow. It just happened. It's like breaking news. Yeah, I just...

I'm literally coming from there. Wow. I got up early this morning. I had an 8 a.m. appointment at the dentist. It's terrible. What the fuck? Well... How are they even there at that hour?

I imagine they do it. No, you do it and then you just go back to the office. It's a drag. It's a drag to wake up. You're going, you're unconscious, basically. And then you're like, hey, you want to drill on your tooth? Yeah. So I get in there and they go, all right, we got to fill this.

You have the beginning. They said it's the beginning of a cavity. And it's better to fill now than obviously if it progresses. They're like, it's a baby cavity. And then they go, so we'll take care of those two cavities. And I go, what the fuck are you talking? about two it's one and they're like no because it's in like the between two teeth I go you never said this shit I got really heated actually so when they showed you the initial x-ray she presented it

as one cavity when I had they were like oh you have the start of it she was the same kind of thing she's at the beginning of a cavity here it's better to do it now than later and I go okay so I came back today and then they're like so there's two cavities and I go what are you talking about and then guess what about 10 minutes in the procedure she goes, good news. I go what? She goes, it's one cavity. I go, that's what you fucking said last time.

Yeah. She's a gypsy. Yeah. And I go, I'm on to you guys. You guys have done this before. Little fucking Sikaians, Rojat Sikai guys. She's trying to rip you off.

She tells you one thing and then charging you twice. Rotten gypsy dentist. Did she? How many cavities did she charge you for? One. Good. Also.

Liar. A fucking surcharge on a credit card. card? I'm like, huh? What's a surcharge? Yeah, they're like, we charge a 3% on a credit card to pay for this. I'm like, oh, because I didn't bring cash. Do people bring cash to the dentist usually? Yeah, that's as shady as shit. That's our fee. And I was like, I have a fee. It's called finding a new fucking dentist. Yeah. This is a gypsy dentist. Yeah. Ripping you off big time. Get the fuck out of here. No. This is, this is immigrant stuff. She an immigrant? No. I mean, it doesn't, you know, couldn't tell because she's all this. And I was like,

I want you to lower that. Let me see that face. Yeah. See where you're from because I judge people by somewhere they're from. I want to see where you're from, lady. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's true because my old Russian dentist, cash only.

They do cash only. Yeah. This is what immigrants do, usually. Very strange. Very dicey. I'm having my teeth cleaned. Here's $400. Like, what the fuck are you talking about?

Well, let me tell you, the same lady, she told me, she's like, oh, you're going to have to have a brand new crown. This one's cracking. And I was like, yeah, right, bitch. But then three. months later I went back and she was right. She showed me the actress. She's like, see, it's cracked. You have to redo the crown. I was like, all right, bitch, I trust you now. But I didn't initially, you know what I mean? Like, I'm also very weary of dentists and telling me what's up. You shade the fucking gypsy bitch. Well, she did it, though. How are you feeling? You still numb?

Yeah, my face is numb. I'm drooling. I keep wiping drool off the right side of my face. Did you bring the headphones like I told you to? No, but luckily, I didn't remember. Then she was like, hey, we have headphones here. Thank God. So listen to a podcast. Yeah? Yeah, about Kim Il-sung. Oh, cool.

About the famine of the 90s. And it was pretty cool. What was wrong with you? Last night, the kids went to sleep at a decent time. I get into bed with you. And all I hear is like the kidnappers took her, put goggles on her face. American nightmare. Have you guys seen it?

Did you guys watch it? Oh, my God. I want to watch it so bad I haven't yet. That's un-fucking believable. It is really phenomenal. The story's insane. I mean, I don't...

But you know how she does this thing where she's like, what is wrong with you? As if it's not the number one show on Netflix right now. But I cannot for the life of me understand why, especially women, want to hear about this. Because it's exciting. For you, because it can't happen to you. No, I think they're titillated by the fact that it could happen to them.

Maybe that's the appeal because I certainly don't have it in me. The whole time I think to my... myself, this is going to happen to me. This guy's a real fucking psychos. He is crazier than shit, the guy that was doing this stuff. Well, and he's smart, which always, when they were like super educated, I'm always like, that's even creepier. It's so good that there's definitely somebody listening who's like, I haven't, you know,

I've heard or maybe you consider, let's talk about it on the next one, because it's too good. I feel like we should give people a chance to watch it. Okay. It's too good. Fair enough. Zolo, go watch it. You got to watch it. It was really nice that I got to fall asleep to hearing.

Yeah. Kidnapsing rapes. Rapes, rapes. Lots of knucklehead behavior. It's really worth giving a listen to. God damn, dude. Give it a gaze. Yeah, and you probably will lock your doors afterwards.

For sure. I get double security. No way, man. I'm never living alone. These bitches, they live alone. You need a dog. You need five fucking dogs if you live alone. Well, I'll tell you this.

The people that are. were affected by this, none of them were living alone. Nam, as not true. That's one, one, one that I saw. Okay, one, but the other ones were not alone. Great. Yeah. Yeah.

Can we talk about airtight? You got to be fully armed. Talking about anything else? Well, let's open the show first. Kill myself. Here we go. Oh, yeah. Here we go.

This guy's the best. I find it so cute and funny and kind of annoying that so many modern men's work leaders base their branding off of like Spartan culture and they call it the modern warrior journal or, you know, we're the samurai brotherhood, you know. Yet they never get naked. They never do ball cupping rituals. They never see each other's cocks. The outermost extension of each other's hearts are completely hidden by their Lulu Lemon,

polyester underwear that's leaching feminizing chemicals right into their ball sacks. So true. Who is Randy? He's under it. He knows. I love this guy. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house.

With Tom Segura. Tom Situza and Christina Pajitzen. Welcome to your mom's house. Now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now. I'm going to feel it, Tom. You're feeling it today. I see you shaking your shoulders. Shake, shake, shake, shake.

and played a song like you need it, kidnapping, bad murder. I sleep I dream about sad murders. It happens. It happens. It's out there. Shit happens. There's some goofy guys out there. This guy.

Well, I got to say, once again, incredible skin. He's so handsome. I love the flex of silver in his whiskers. He's so cute. The tone of his skin. Oh, he looks great. Yeah. Would you do Spartan ball cupping with him?

I think if I had a good teacher, yeah, if he was introduced to me, that what's going on. And you're supposed to do more than just that. Did you know that? Love this shit so much. Real warriors? And really, they could be leaching good, high vibrational brotherhood vibrations into each other's ball sacks through cupping,

which is exactly what the Spartans did. Yeah. You know, if you claim to be like a Spartan samurai brotherhood, it's like the samurai were sniffing each other's ball. D. The Spartans were cuddling and sucking each other's nipples before battle on animal skins. You know, the Celtic druids

and the fierce, kilted warriors that you see in Braveheart. Did you know they did not actually wear their kilts when they went into battle? They would actually take off their pants so their penises and testicles were exposed during battle and that they would moon the British

with their buttholes. All of that, true. is missing from the Spartan ethos of the modern men's work movement. It's like you're going to call yourself Spartan, do some ball cupping. This is either very true or the long play to get some cocks and balls in your hands. You know what I mean? This is either like really a new angle for gay shit under the guise of like a history, dude, or this is true and we're all just ignorant to it.

Well, he knows an alternative truth that you don't know. Yeah. I never knew that about Braveheart. There's so many things I'm learning from him. Also, here's the thing for, even for more, you know, like archaic groups that knew less, feels like it's very much an intuitive thing that you always want to protect your dick and balls. Right. So having them exposed feels crazy.

That's why they invented armor to protect your vital organs. Right. But I mean, actually, your genitals, like most people's genitals, when they are in danger, retreat because it's your body's natural mechanism to protect its reproductive organs. So everything kind of goes up. And I would think that if you were in battle, you'd be like not just covered, but like protected.

But then how are you going to show the enemy your butthole? Yeah, that's a good question. Right. And then how are you going to sniff? You sniff each other's taints. I know that the Chicago Bulls did that during their two, three, repeats. You have a pregame, Jordan, Pippen, Horace, Graham. They smelled each other's balls to collect essences.

to grow their musk. Fire each other's up. And then look at them. They were so dominant. Yeah. Jordan, the great taint sniffer. I think you and the other male comics in Austin need to start doing this.

I'm not against it. In the green room before shows. I'm not opposed to it. Do you think they would do this with you, Shane Gillis and. And Tony. Tim's not going to be hard to convince. Yeah, Bert visits all. I'm sure Bert would be the easiest guy to talk into sniffing someone's taint or cup in their balls.

Like he would be 30 seconds in, he'd be like, all right, just hold him. Hold him. Yeah. Yeah, he would be easy to convince. But yeah, I'm into the idea. Yeah. Especially if it makes me a warrior. The thing is, it does make intuitive sense to me, though.

If you want to build your masculinity, build your musk, what better way to do it than to smell another man's testosterone to feel his energy? Yeah. He's not wrong. It makes logical sense to me. I feel like when you start spinning it like this. people start to nod more and they go, right, right, all that testosterone's coming in. That's how they get you.

That's how they get you. That's how the gays get you. They always have their tricks up their sleeves and then they're like, oh, look, you're not gay. I just put it in your mouth and you're like, I guess? And they're like, yeah. And you're like, oh, now I'm getting a warrior? This, you know what, now that you're saying it like that, I think you're right. I think this might be a gay guy's ploy.

And he's going to make a video being like, ha ha ha, ha, fucking gay. look how fucking immature and like stupid these people are they have no idea how history works at all the Celtics and the fucking Scottish and the samurai they all were swallowing come right before battle and that's how they got their energy and you're like oh yeah I didn't realize that yeah it's the history nobody tells you about yeah it's so upsetting I feel so jipped they didn't teach me this in high school or college speaking of cool stuff oh you said you wanted to do airtight listen I mean this topic has really captivated TikTok, it went highly viral.

People really were into airtight. A lot of people never heard the term airtight, which to me is ignorant. People watch the entire video and said, I still don't understand what this means. I had to get other people explaining to them that airtight means everywhere that air can enter is plugged up, basically.

Minus your nostrils in your ears. Yeah, you got to learn your history, people. All right. So remember the last gentleman we had right in Brock and he was telling us. He told us about five. He told us his ex-girlfriend had five guys at once, like on a naval base or some shit. Right. So we asked for him to elaborate and here it is.

Oh, he did? I have the, would you like to read it? You seem very excited. Well, just so we go, he's like, yeah, my ex-this, she had five guys. And you're like, come on. So just so we clarify, airtight is anus, vaj, mouth, meaning no air. And this guy was like, oh, my girl did five. And everybody was like, come on.

Five meaning the two hands. The hands are full too. Which here's the thing. My thought on that was like, that's a pro move meaning. I've never even seen that important. Well, but I have. I think it's like, you know, but that's like, okay, there's camera. It's a performance.

Yeah. The idea that somebody in their personal life is like all five of you. Personal. It's a lot. Right. So. On the coordination. No way.

So Brock expands. Is that what we're hearing here? Okay. And then is there a second page? Zolo, what's the second page? Yeah. The second page is the original email in case I wanted to go back. Oh, I got you.

Right. So the original is that most women have had two guys at once, if not more, he'd say. Jesus. Okay? I know multiple females that have taken two guys at once. I knew a few girls who had three, but I'll do you one better. My ex took a trip to Gulfport to the military base down there to cheat on me and went up doing five at once. all holes in both hands

she later got knocked up by a fat miserable piece of shit and great revenge seeing her get fat and depressed So that was his original email And I was like come on So we asked could he elaborate more And apparently he did

He can Okay so here we go You ready? I'm fucking sorry So I can put on my dad glasses This is exactly why they give you glasses To read messages like this So me and her were off

On and off for years Like eight years or so And she told me during one of our times apart that she'd had a threesome in Gulfport with this guy I had beef with as a revenge thing. That's just evil, man. Dang. We later got back together and got engaged.

This guy. With the hole? Damn. Well, the guy I had beef with moved back to town, started working with a good friend of mine at a boat factory. Guys being guys in the break room. The guy started telling the story of what actually happened, which included three more stories than the story that I got.

So she had told that she had a thing. threesome, but there were actually five guys there. My buddy is a murder show guy and likes investigating, so he went full detective, found the guys, and verified the story. Then he hit me up to have some beers one night, told me everything that happened and showed what the guys said shortly before our wedding, which I obviously called off. I was stupid for taking her back to begin with. So I called it off. She got knocked up by some other dude, got fat, and didn't do shit with her life. and I made out great L-O-L. Great wife, great kids, great job.

But yeah, there's tons of whores. More than I think y'all realize, I've got a lot more some-reesome group fuck stories. I wasn't even a part of it. I just feel like it was a common thing growing up there, but there's nothing in Arkansas to do, so maybe that's part of it.

Let me know if I can help with anything else, Brock. Thanks, Brock. Wow. You know what? We didn't consider, Tommy, is you're right, that these small town places. That does make sense. Yeah.

But then again, okay, so here's my thinking. Yeah, but if you live in a small town and everybody talks, that's how, well, but yeah, but you're actually telling what happened. It is a small, small circle and everybody talks and the story got out. See, even more reason for me to not have a five way. Yeah. Because I'm like, well, there's like, there's like 10 guys in the village. I can bang.

And if I'm banging half of them, they're going to talk. Yeah, you don't live in a village, though. You know what I'm saying. Whatever it's called, the small group of people living. in Arkansas. Right. But in LA, you could do that and you'll never be found out, thankfully. You're saying you can keep the story.

You can keep the dream going because you don't live in a small town. That's what I'm trying to tell you. I got a cooler story for you. Oh, I have more. A woman wrote in who went airtight. That's very much worth it. Okay, hold on. So this is an actual live woman human that rode in who went airtight.

Ready guys? Airtight story from a woman is the email. title. This didn't happen in my 20s. I was in my late 30s. Wow. The morning of I threw a birthday party for my small kid at a trampoline park too. So don't discount moms and their wild sides. Thank you. I took on three dudes at the same time. Air tight. We had discussed the activities and participants ahead of time so I could prepare. The day of I stuck to just dumb bitch juice, pedolyte and water. Here's the how-to.

One guy lies on his back and I get on top and ride for a bit. Then the second dude gets behind me. I bend forward as far as I can so it's belly to belly with the first guy still inside. Then the second guy enters my ass. He controls the momentum really. At that point, your girl isn't able to really move. Third dude comes to the front and straddle the first dude's face, more or less. I took him into my mouth slash throat.

By this point, I had been having sex with all three of them alone and in combinations for a few hours. So this was the finale. It's an absolute insane experience. Very, very fun. At the time, I had a long-term partner, and he had friends who were open to the experience. I don't really think it's fair to say that slight of behavior is for girls in their 20s and they end up regretting it. Love your show. Hope I could shed some light on airtight.

Well, but here's the thing. How did the birthday party go that we opened with? Did anybody get injured at the trampoline park? Those can't be dangerous. Yeah, that's a detail I wish I didn't know. Can I tell you as a mother the first thing I think of? What? Is like, she had a birthday party for her kid.

You know how fucking exhausting those are? So tired. And then she had the energy to do this after. We've done the thing at the place. Yeah. And the kids come and just like, God damn it. I can't fuck three guys right now. Yeah, I wouldn't have the energy to fuck two.

Yeah, two would be a lot. Well, that is a lovely story. Really a testament to her energy. I noticed I, I, uh. Did you get aroused at all? No, no. I did. Halfway through it.

I was like, all right. I'm picturing it. I was, I was okay. My penis actually shrunk during the story. I'm glad. I'm glad that you were turned. on. You need to get into cupping.

I know. I noticed that there were women that commented that they had done this. And I'll tell you something. Those profile pictures had something in common. What, Tom? They didn't look like ladies. I'll tell you that. There was interesting.

I think this is something that's really tickling your fancy, though. You're getting fired. I love it. Now I got to. I go to the trampoline park, have a birthday party. And see what happens. You and I got to plan some stuff. Well, you got to have two.

Here's the thing that I'll give her credit for, or at least make sense to me. Yeah. She's laying out that these are three people she's familiar with. And she's had sex with them independently, which is, I think, the key here. That's the key, yeah. Yeah, you don't want just some Johnny come new guy. No. And who are you?

And how do you fuck me? Exactly. You get to know everybody. Here's my one problem. Yeah. I don't like anal. This is not going to work. Here's the thing you don't know that yet.

Not going to wait. No, you don't know that yet. And also, she's clearly Polly. Maybe not by, but she's Polly. She's Polly. And that helps. I'd have to get really good at anal to go this varsity level. You can start with plugs, first of all.

You can start with anal plugs. I don't think so. Yeah, I think you're just like shooting down ideas before you really think them out. And you could definitely do a two-way. Why don't you start with a two-way before a three-way? I think the thought of like the D.P. part is so intense. But just what I'm saying is why are you, just don't rush into that.

Just V and mouth first. Oh, yeah, finger cuffs. Yeah. That's easy to do. That's easy to do. We can go to the park and find someone there. Yeah, the park has a lot of people. The dog park or the people park?

Either park. Yeah. Because dog owners are usually pretty nice, you know. Or do we go to the park with our kids playing and we find like a dad? Hello, yeah. Find a nice dad. I think it's a good place to start. Yeah.

I think you start with two before. You don't have to rush to three. Right. You start with one guy. Start with two. Go to two. Go to three and then four or five. Yeah.

But you got to kind of warm it up. I understand. I hear what you're saying. Nobody runs into airtight. That's what she's telling you too. Like you don't just run into it. You have sex with the guys and then you guys figure out the configuration. And she also makes a good point.

It's not just for women that do it and regret it in their 20s. Yeah. You can do it. it in your late 30s as a mom. And also, she has a great memory of it. She said it was really, really fun. Yeah, not so much my kid's birthday, but. Yeah, the day of the birthday for her is really not about the birthday.

She's like, that's the day that I had three cox in me. So much to celebrate. You know, when they look at the trampoline photos, the kid's like, oh, this is my eighth birthday. She's like, you want to know what's funny about that day? Fun fact. What's really cool? Oh, yeah.

Just that you had the clown come. Well, it's not that. Memory. All right, I got another story for you. Such good memories. Do you know who this is? Do you know this guy? Yeah, he's Vince McMahon.

Yeah, you do know him. Because from wrestling, I dated a guy that was under wrestling. That's the only reason I know. Because you knew who the Undertaker was. And I went to the stupid wrestling. Well, he has a whole new look to him. He looks terrible. Yeah.

This is not a good look. But this is his new look, which is jet black hair, some plaques of surgery and Tony Stark mustache. Yeah. And he just resigned as the chairman of WWE, which is a big deal. I mean, he has been the face of this brand for decades. The villain of the brand. Well, but he's the guy in charge.

He runs the show. And he really built it up into like a absolutely enormous juggernaut of sports entertainment. I mean, it's multi-billion dollar. So a former WWE employee claimed that he sexually abused her, including with sex toys that he named after wrestling stars in a shocking new lawsuit. Janelle Grant broke her silence about their relationship

and disturbing allegations, including that he defecated on her head during a threesome. Oh dear. And asked her to continue performing after while he went to clean himself up so she had a turd on her head and it was dripping down her back

and he was like, keep blowing that guy. Stay there. Stay right there. That's cool. He sent her text messages. I'm the only, I'm the only one who owns you and controls you. Her lawsuit comes after the Wall Street Journal reported that last year, the WDOE was investigating an alleged $3 million payment from him to a departing female employee.

Grant, who was unnamed at the time, claimed she received an initial installment of a million dollars but no further payment. So she is seeking more money. Here's some of the texts. Can you read them? Yeah, regarding your last picture, you need your last picture. you need your panties ripped off and three big black dicks

and all three holes at the same time three exclamation marks. He likes threes. Way up your pussy P-U-S-E-Y and weigh up your ass as far as they will go but even farther. And the thickest cock goes down your throat so it makes you gag and convulse as those big black cocks pound away.

It feels like from the start you're being assaulted but it's made you come nonstop. Just one continued, he's such a juvenile. Just one can continue his constant orgasm. And just before you pass out, those big black dick squirt their loads of coming. This is unreal. He's seventh grader wrote this.

He's 71, I think. Jeez, I can't even, it's so juvenile. As you lay on your stomach, the cum is coming out all your holes. I'll turn you over and jack off all over it. So, hold on, here's the crazy part. That's the best I didn't know that was in there. Yeah. Like, why is he jacking off all over?

Because he's turned on by all this. Why doesn't he fuck her? So he would send her. He would fuck her. And then he would go over to this wrestler's hotel room and go fuck him right now. And she would do it. And then she was like, I didn't like that. And he was like, yeah, you did.

Go do it again. He sounds cool. Yeah, I'll read the next one. I love it. Thank you. That's you, Janelle. You just can't get enough, can you? In the future, it's going to be so bad that you'll demand.

to be fucked twice a day and not just with blank in a three-way. That's somebody's name, obviously. Why not let others see the beautiful voluptuous body and watch you shake uncontrollably when you come? They'll go out of their minds, they'll find more friends and will tie you up and you're so helpless. I'll direct them to have their way any way they want.

Who can make you scream the loudest? Screen. Right. Maybe I'll just line them up and have them squirt in your mouth, pussy all over your tits and ass and all at the same time. you'll be covered and come and we'll make you eat it all

and taste everybody's come. The next morning, you'll be a little sore, but after you're going to want more, after all that fucking is over. Oh my God, he writes a dissertation. I just passed my phone around to a bunch of guys on the tech crew. They were screaming, oh my God, she's fucking beautiful.

Look at that ass. I'd like to get that. I paused to count how loud how many guys there were 12. I said, okay, there's 12 of you. And she would love to fuck each and every one of you one at a time. The guy's cheered. Yay.

But she will only do it if she takes three at the time. Oh. That brought a huge reaction. She wants one deep in her ass, one way down her throat, one in her pussy. See, we're talking about airtight. Yeah, this is amazing. This really happens. And you can pound her and keep on pounding until you pop your load.

She may scream and try to say no, although it would be difficult to say anything with a cock down her throat. They laughed. I then said, listen. No matter what, just pound away until you squirt. Baby, these guys were having such a blast with me. Some of them didn't believe me. So I said, you were the greatest fuck in the world, and no matter how much you get, you always wanted more.

And then I said, she, love, come, baby. These texts, as we call them, were having the time of their lives, listening to my truthful story. I then said you would take a 10-minute break between each fucking, but then you would get back on your knees, your hands and knees with your ass in the air and say, okay, I'm ready. Who's next? L-O-L.

It drove them wild, baby. or I should say, you drove them wild. Just imagine if this really happened, baby, how much come you would have coming out of all your holes. And that's why Airtight is the way to go. I mean, this guy just painted a beautiful picture. He really did. This reminds me of a story I read once from Hemingway.

Yes. For whom the bells told, I think. For whom the bell tolls. That's a fantastic, very similar prose. Similar idea. And also, I do like that he allows her a 10-minute break. so that she can get back on her knees. Get recuperate.

It's nice that he factors that in for her. It is crazy that this is the chairman of the WW. Yeah. It's, it is something else. It's funny. Like, this is, you know what it is, is that it's like,

it's this, probably this repressed part of this guy, and he's getting, how old is he? I feel like he's, I mean, he's got to be in his 70s. He came out with this, 76.

Hey, that, wait. No, it's my birthday. 78. He's 78. Oh, oh. Yeah, I mean... Oh, this is in 2020. So he was 74.

He's all juiced up. He's still so juiced up. 74 sending these is wild. Can I just tell you to? Is like, I mean, I guess I'm very nervous, paranoid. How do you send these texts to just hose? Like, you know this shit's going to end up on the internet, bro. What are you doing?

How do you not even think, like, I shouldn't text this, maybe a phone call, but even then could be recorded. Because he's not thinking that that's going to happen. He's just so juiced up. Yeah, he's just fired up. And he's just like there's so much come and you're so good at this. It sounds like he really likes the come. It's all about seeing other guys come and big black dicks. He likes that part.

He also liked, I think he thought of her as like this sexual like being. Like you just need all this stuff. Yeah. And like he's doing her a favor. Oh my God. He looks so great. He looks so ghoulish in this new one with the mustache. Look at that one.

He looks like Vincent Price. Yeah. Darkness falls across the land. So he was sending her scroll up a little bit. Wow. He was send her to that guy's room, the guy below, right there. One down, one down, one up. This old guy?

That guy. Oh, that's him. Sorry, I thought that was Lorinitis. Because he was sending her to this guy named Lorinitis. He was a bald guy. Yeah. And he was like, how was that? You can see the text and she was like, I didn't like it.

I'm not interested in doing this again. He's like, yeah, you did. Go back there. I feel like I was assaulted. Didn't have a choice. Yeah. That's really cool. But he was a sharer.

You can't call him selfish. No, it is cool. When people get a lot of money and power and they just stay cool with it. Go over to Zolos place. And then stop by annies. They're good guys. How big was that come? Did you come a lot?

All right. I'll see you tomorrow. My question is, did she in any way invite, like, was she, like, into this at all? I mean, we don't know. Yeah, you don't know. I think in stories like this, you really don't know. You've no idea what the hell is going to be, I felt pressure to do this. And then he's going to be like, I thought you were having a great time.

Because we're also only seeing one text message right now. Look how different it used to look. More importantly. Look how much better he looked. I think, well, that's also a younger guy. I know, I know. But I think it would be fun or interesting, I should say, to see the other texts, right? The responses.

I would like to see if she's like, uh-huh, ha, ha. I came so hard. L-O-L-O-L-O-L. I don't know why he's L-O-Ling either. Yeah. This is a really cool text. That look is insane. Yeah.

Why are you choosing this look? Unreal. Un-fucking real. And we went from having gray hair to fucking dark, dark, dark hair at 78. Okay, that's always the bad choice is to go from just gray. Insanity. Stay gray, get your plugs. Right.

And keep it gray and you won't look totally crazy. Right. And you can do some like darker streaks in there. Yeah. You know, like you can darken it up a little bit. Would you rather's? I'm ready. I know.

I'm sorry. I really have to urinate so bad. Can I just piss really quickly? Yeah, of course. Okay, I got to go. And then I can really focus on this. I mean a pee-pee come out in my pee holes. We're back.

We're back. We peed. Yeah, so much better. I can't think when I have to pee. I get it. So Vince is so cool, all the calm and the shitting and the... It's very cool. Yeah.

Anyway, I have some would you rather's for you. You haven't had one in a while, but I'm very excited about it. Are you ready? Yes. Okay. This one's personal between you and me. Would you rather I change my hair and I get either really, really, really, really short, short, blonde hair? So I'm still a blonde because I know you like blonde, but it's super short.

Like sad Midwestern mom cut. Like a Midwest. Okay, a Midwestern mom. It's very specific. Very specific look. Yeah. Like depressing. Okay.

Or long, long black hair. Long black hair. That was great. Yeah. Why? But you like blondes. You're not into the dark hair. I'll take it over that mom cut any day.

Yeah, it's pretty nor. It's the worst. It is the worst. Long black hair. I promise I'll never do a mob cut. Okay. Okay. Now would you...

It really is the ultimate. It's like somebody shutting off a valve to your penis. Well, you're sending a very clear message to society, which is like, I no longer make estrogen. I'm a man. I don't want to be a member of the woman species. Yeah. Everything is shut down. There it is.

Shut it down. Yeah. The longest blackest hair in the world, please. Long and dark. Yeah. God damn, dude. That was brutal. Okay, would you rather I be too tall or too short?

Too tall. Wow, so quick, too. Why? I just, I think tall is attractive. I'm not trying to make anybody short feel bad, but I just, as like a partner, like, I would just rather. Thanks for calling me your partner. Yeah, as my male friend. I would just

I just find it more attractive I just feel like like short really short doesn't do it for me It's just not your jam It doesn't it's not for you If you're telling me like 6 1 or 5 1 I would take 6 1 6 1 6 1

But I would tower over you I mean Tower? I would be Well if I were Sorry I was just thinking of that I'm just saying like I would be at your height

That's fine Doesn't turn me off at all But me being like How are you? That does. It's not of your jam. It just feels weird. Some guys love.

I dated two girls that were five feet tall. And? I mean, just. Some guys love. Like they demand. It's some guy's favorite thing. It doesn't do it for me. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. So what are you a fucking kid? Grow up. Okay. Jesus. What are? Are you in fucking middle school?

Put some stilts on. But they do a lot of time short, ladies wear really high heels. up to our heels. And now she's fall of 5-4. Yeah. No, I'm not into it. Spinners.

They call them spinners. Yeah, yeah, I've had them. It's a whole aesthetic. Did they spin on your cock? Of course. Stupid. Yeah, and it's fun because you treat them like their little rag dolls,

but it's like, you know. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, and then would you rather I... You accidentally break them. You're like, oh, shit. I think that's what it is. I didn't mean to.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I mean, I'm sorry. I guess the appeal is like they're so petite and tiny. Yeah, it is. I'm so much bigger than you. I get that. I would like that.

If I were a man, I want like a tiny girl. I'd be like, oh, you're so petite. I could break you and fucking kill you and... That would turn you on. Put my dick and then break you with my dick. I understand that. God, you're so obsessed. It's like you really need to start talking about this more in private sessions.

I need to break you with my dick. But I'm trying to imagine what it's like to have one. I wish I could feel it once in my life. I feel like that's the thought I would have in my head. It's like, I'm, I'm, I fucking break it. But you don't think that when you're doing it with me, you're like, I'm fucking, yeah, I try to hurt you, but I don't like, you know. What?

Yeah, I'm not trying to please you. I'm trying to make it go, ow, fuck, ow, stop. And it is easier with the tiny ones. That's true. Yeah. They scream more. All right. Would you like to hear my other one?

And this one's. If you keep crying, I'm going to come again. Yeah, go ahead. Go ahead. Okay, this one's more psychological torture. Okay. And would you rather I be hardcore Christian? Ugh.

Or hardcore vegan. Ugh. I know. Because both are equally annoying. Like, not that all Christians are annoying or all vegans are annoying, but the kind that's like militant and then they have to preach to you. Like the type of Christian where I, you know the ones when I post on TikTok who are like, how I work out.

and honor Christ and they have to wear like the Lulu lemons with the Bible verses and they read the Bible in the gym or vegan where I'm like you know Tom you really shouldn't eat that egg because it's considered an abortion of an of a chicken I'll say this you've done it again yeah this is your gift and it always has been thank you sir those are two of the worst options in the world and this is like who I'm with Or just like... It's me. No, let's say we're together for 20 years and then one day I'm like, babe, guess what? I'm vegan. Or babe, guess what?

I'm just trying to picture a scenario on which I'm not saying, shut the fuck up. Because both, imagining both... It's awful. It's awful. But, okay, but here's the thing. One is an assault on your ideology

all the time and your possible behaviors and it could affect your sex life because I could be like, you know, the Lord says... Oh my God. The other one is just going to affect, like, what you can eat for dinner, because I'll be like, I'm not going to make you your hurtful meat. I'm vegan now. You have to have tofu and fake chish, cashew cheese.

Yeah, the problem with both of these is that they are affecting every window of your day. You know what I mean? It's not like, it is how you wake up. Eating is like one of the pleasures of life, joys of life, and to have somebody that you're, with all the time. He's constantly contradicting what you want to eat. And constantly because you're saying you're not just vegan and quiet. I'm, you're a browbeating. And I'm going to try to convert you at every, or it's like you open your baby bird eyes. And I'm like, good morning. The Lord has blessed you with another day. Oh my God. Or it's good morning. Would

you like a vegan tofu scramble? I guess. But here's the thing, because there's so much nuance to this. Yeah. Right now you just made those kind of pleasant. Are you pleasant about the? things? You know what I mean? Yeah, I, I, I, good morning, the Lord has blessed you with another day. Yeah. It's not that bad. Good morning, would you like a tofu scramble? It's like, it's a nice thing to say. So let's take it further. And then you're like, you want to, you want to do it real quick? And I'll be like, well, hold on it. They could both be hoarse. Right. But I'll be like, yes, but first we have to do our morning devotionals together. The vegan girl might be, yes, but first I have to do my a hervedic bacteria pull in my mouth. Would you like to join me?

God. Is there a third option where I kill the person? You have to choose Christian or vegan. God. Here's the thing. I am not a religious person. Yeah. But I find a hardcore vegan so unlikable. Like the idea of spending time with somebody like that for every meal.

I mean, I'm having three meals a day. It's the restrictive behavior. I know. I think I'd be like, yeah, let's put some crosses up. Let's go for it. Plus, it's the devil you know. At least you'll shut up during fucking breakfast, lunch, and dinner, right? You can eat what you want except on Passover, Lent, when I will make sure that we abide by the Catholic standards or Christian standards of, you know, what is it, fish on Fridays or whatever.

But you kind of already know the Christian one because you grew up in a religious household, right? Your mom was like that. There's those crazy videos, people who are like, and you're like, what is this person? like, I just feel the Lord's love today. And I just wanted to tell everybody about it. And you're like, what? This is like a total schizophrenic person. And they're just like, the Lord is filling me with his joy.

And I just feel compelled to share it. I just feel compelled to share it. And then other people are like, that's wonderful. Like those people, you're like, oh, God. This person is so sick. So weird. My favorite are the gym goers that are like, I can praise God. How do you work out and praise God at the same time?

like, first I read my Bible verse is to get super pumped for the Lord. Between sets. And then she's like, yes. And then, like, they're wearing clothing that is Christian branded. And you're like, huh? Because that's a form. So, okay, so here's, so that's a form of mental illness. It's totally mental illness.

But the vegan is, like, the hardcore people. That's, like, mental illness, but it's about food restriction. Because there's this practical application of that you need to eat. Right. And you're saying this isn't like somebody I know. You're saying it's you. It's me. up next to your fucking annoying ass every day talking about your fucking no more milk or honey

and anything and I'm like, oh, God. But what's that called when someone has like food restrictions and it's actually an eating disorder? Gay? Yeah. It's like, there's a word for it. I'm sorry, I can't remember it right now where you're like hyper restrictive. You're like, I can't eat that, but I can have that. It's just like an eating disorder.

But now I'm going to inflict it on you. Yeah, I mean. Yeah. There's a different word. I guess like the thing is if you're like that with food I guess I could do the thing where you're like that with your you're like that with food but I go you just eat what you eat I'm going to eat what I eat

you know can't do that though I'm going to be overly militant I'm not going to let you eat you're going to eat vegan you're going to eat vegan and I'm going to make you eat fucking quinow and all that shit I got this fucking quinow first class bullshit the fuck you're eating quinow babe no yeah you are

vegan mayonnaise. No, just listen to your Christian bullshit, I guess. I guess I'll just take it. Praying before every meal, praying before we get in the car. Pray, pray, pray, pray, all day, pray. I mean, either scenario is going to end up in like huge arguments in divorce. Yeah, there's no question about it. You know that's happening right now, that some poor guy or girl listening to this is like,

my wife became a hardcore vegan. My life is over. To evolve into that is not fair to the other person. No. You know. Or like my wife. became a hardcore Christian, I'm losing my mind. She converted and I'm like going crazy. Someone right now is dealing with us. Poor son of a bitch is. No, I hate it. I know.

Good job. That was a really good one. God damn it. You got it. Yeah. Awful. Because it's hard. The whole trick of marriage is to evolve together with somebody over time. And like you hope that you guys pick up hopefully the same interests and things. you know but if one person goes that way one guy goes this way one guy goes this way at least like to be in the same place like that kind of thing you know we like at least have like a appreciation like oh we like living in this city like yeah and having some shared interests but like if you this is a whole ideological way of you know what I mean that you're whole new ideology where you're like this is how I want to live it's my new philosophy it's fanaticism yeah and if that's not your partner it's not going to work it's not going to work it's not going to work it's not going to work it's not going to work The vegan, I think that would break down. Even like if it was like a really compassionate way of someone doing it, if somebody is totally not into it, like totally not into it. I'm not into it at all. I'm not into it all. I have zero interest.

Like I even had a family member who was vegan for a while. Yeah. And was such. I love this family member by the way. Like she's my favorite one. But come Thanksgiving, she would bring over her own Tofurke from Trader's Joe. And then like, I'm trying to cook a meal for the whole family. And she's like, can I heat up my tofurking in the oven?

I'm like, what do you do? I remember a vegan girl. I was like, why are you fat? It's a mystery, isn't it? Yeah. Because they're eating macaroni and cheese. It's vegan. Or macaroni with whatever spray butter, yeah.

But the best part of the vegan, by the way, my vegan relative, who I adore, though, is she would eat the tofurkey, remember? And she'd go, mm, you can't even tell. It tastes just like the real. And like it doesn't taste like a fucking burger. And you're like, no, it tastes like shit. It tastes like actual shit. Yeah. Yeah.

It doesn't taste like the real. That's why it's called the real thing and then you're fake. I got to show you something. So you know we've been on this, we've been on this lane of like people showing you how they live. And they're like really authentic and genuine. Oh yeah. And they get massive hate for it. Such a good lane.

Sometimes they don't get hate. Sometimes I think some of these people don't. Hate from Austin. I don't know. It's such. This is one of the ones that I really wanted to show you. Okay, folks, let's take a journey through a weekend in my life as a 25-year-old bachelor in D.C. On Friday, I needed some alone time and a little solace,

so I headed back to the apartment to make a new dinner creation of chicken with pasta and broccoli that gave the house a nice aroma before collapsing on the couch to watch Seinfeld and let the humor of Jerry, Elaine, and Kramer take me away for some moments of peace. Since it rained buckets on Saturday, I started the morning off by whipping up a hearty breakfast that included pancakes, eggs, and of course, some juicy bacon. Juicy bacon. Afterwards, I had a nice little content strategy session where I began sketching out some new ideas that I am really excited to share with all of you in the high very soon. At night, I made my way to City Tap House to grab dinner with some friends and watch a little football as well. I had not seen the guys in over a month, so it was awesome to catch up on everything.

and enjoy a little banter as always. On Sunday, I was invited to FedEx Field for the final commanders game of the season against the vaunted Dallas Cowboys. I think one of the things about this guy is that he's 25, but he seems to have, like, the personality of like a 55-year-old man. 100%. I was wondering that.

Because when I was 25, I was still getting hammered and puking. Yeah. He's like, I have on this very crisp white shirt. And you're like, well, not only that, he cooks nutritious meals. his apartment looks really put together. Yeah, he's autistic, I think. Hey, are you single?

I sure am. Are you on the dating ups? Yes, I am. Can I take some pictures of you for your profile? Absolutely. Let's go. Let's do it. Yeah, he's really genuine.

He's very, like, authentic and nice. Hey, what's going on? I'm Tony. I live here in D.C. I'm 25, and I'm looking for a long-term relationship. Oh, I'm in love. Hi, Tony. I'm so sorry.

My friend is a huge thing. What is your ideal? Oh, it's a good question. I have to go with Swingers because it's a great competition day. You have a lot of fun, little playful banter. Nothing better than that in the first date. Swingers? I guess it's a place for like an arcade or something.

It's your typical Thursday night. Oh, love Thursday. So I start things off after work a little happy hour or two. Go out to about 8 o'clock, then come home, make a nice, complex dinner. We really go all in. Am I just like so damaged and cynical? that you know what I mean like I don't even understand how a guy like this exists I don't either a 25 yeah and like he's I just I don't understand how he's not like you know more of an ass I guess I

am I you're so broken I am and I'm just surrounded by assholes and I'm just damaged and broken and sad inside that we can't we can't fathom that somebody is this innocent and happy like we can't even wrap our brains ready babe but can I tell you what I really can't wrap my brain around Yeah. The girl that wants to fuck this guy. Well, you just said you were in love a moment ago. I love him as a son. I'm double his age.

Yeah. But I'm saying like, I don't know if I could. What if him and his buddies came over and fucked him? Exactly. Now you're talking. But like, I don't know if he's got. Yeah. F ability.

And I worry for him. It's a green flag you look for. The ability to have meaningful conversations and really make a good connection. What is one thing most of? Don't know about you. Ooh, that's a good one. It's going to shock you all. I'm a black velvet and karate.

If you're a serious prospect and want to go on a date with Tony, it slide into his DMs. Tony P. He also does outfit videos. Oh, Tony. Oh. He does this dance thing. Look, he's showing you.

So sweet. So sweet. Circular texture for some polished flare. Oh my God, I love his moves. He's like corporate dad. Yeah, he's a corporate dad, but he's 25. Dude, how is he this mature? I don't understand.

I don't understand it either. What's he doing, D.C.? Does he work in politics? He's got to be in government or something. I'm not sure. It's got to be something dope though. Something dope? He's smart.

Hell you. Tony P., bro. I'm so excited that Tony P. Here's some of the comments. Oh, no. Tell my wife just saw this immediately download all dating dating apps to find you. Normally I'd be furious, but since she's chasing you,

I can't help but let her follow her dreams. She likes chocolate sprinkles on her ice cream. Be good to her tone. They're like nice to him. Yeah. Telling calls them dates. The ladies call them on the other hand. Call them abductions.

Oh, that's like, I guess, okay. All right. Yeah. Dressed like a 60-year-old public defender. That's accurate. It is accurate. Thank God those slacks aren't tailored. Give that jackhammer some space.

So I think one of the fun things that people do is when somebody is really wholesome, they like to do this to them, you know? Okay. They like to, like, press them with like inappropriate. But hold on. Yeah. But this is really interesting. Yeah. Because why are they going easy on Tony P?

But then so hard on our coffee girl. But no, no. They like him. See, the coffee, there's a whole, there's layers to this. Like, he's more aligned with Neve, the girl who has, like, the dad jokes. Right. They're just wholesome. Right.

They're wholesome. So what they do to wholesome people is they sexualize them because they don't, they know they're not ready for it. And they're not asking for it. So then they do it to them. Right. They're childlike and they want to get this childlikeness out of them. Yeah. Coffee Girl is different. Coffee Girl is like, I'm doing all this stuff. I work hard. I'm working hard. Whether it's in business or at the gym. And then they're just bullying her based on appearance and the fact that like you're saying you do do stuff and you're not doing it. It's a different lane. I am so foreign to nice normalcy. Love the way your jacket shapes you like a UPS package tone.

Tell my wife accidentally called out your name last night in bed. She's devastated and keeps apologizing. How do I get her to do it again? Yeah. So good. So, telling pleas to hide that giant hog. And it's men bullying him.

Which is great. They like to sexualize the wholesome. That's definitely a big thing. That's a whole life. Look how many likes that. Last one got over like 1100 likes. I know. Looking into your eyes is like looking into a kaleidoscope.

I feel both energized and terrified. Yeah. Tony P. So that's a new follow for you, Christine. I love Tony. I think you could befriend him. I think you guys would be a good... I will.

I'll start talking to him. He's got Charles from Boston vibes. Yeah. What's going on? It's Charles. Yeah, I think Charles is a little more sexual energy to him, though. A lot more. Yeah.

Tony P. needs to... Tone's got to do one of these where he grabs his dick at the end. Uh-huh. You know? He was like, I'm wearing this. And then he just goes, right here, ladies. 100%. Because, you know, I mean, this may sound so stupid, but I've finally just figured it out in my 47th year of life is that the Tony P's of the world are,

you know, betas, to quote our good friend. And, but hold on a little, listen to me. One second. Let me finish the thought. Finish it. Is that the type of woman that's attracted to beta is the dominant female who is the male, the masculine energy. So he's going to have to be with a bitch, a real ballbuster. Maybe. Unless he ups his masculine game. I think there's something. else that could happen, though. This guy's genuinely who this, I think he's authentically a really nice guy. Yes. And I think he actually just wants a real innocent, wholesome girl.

That's not the other way. Like a big V, you know? A Christian. V. Yeah. But she's. And he gets to say sweet things and he's like, I made you some grilled chicken. And she's like, I appreciate that.

And then he's like. And they're Disney adults. Yeah, Disney adults. And they get to be Disney adults because they're so innocent. and they're young and sweet. And they wait, they wait to do stuff. They wait to do, they go to church together. Yeah, that's who he is.

It's crazy that that is a, that's a real person. I think you don't usually see, like, we're at the age now where it's wild to see it in someone younger. You know, you go like, you're 25? Because you think about yourself at 25. You know what I mean? You're jacking off in a cab. You're doing like crazy shit.

25, I'm off the rails, bro. Yeah. I was already like. Blacking out. I was blacking out, waking up in yards. Like, what yard is this? I was already doing that. I was already gone.

Well, Tony P. We wish you the best of luck. I love you, Tony Pee. Please keep posting these cool videos. All right. Ready for a break? Yeah. All right.

We'll see you guys in a moment. All right. Ready in Chamesh alba, Shalosh. That's for me? That's just for you. You guys get a Jewish producer every time you do you want?

Only, it's a lot of work. Because they're always like, Can I stay? They're like, no. But back for the second time, right? I think this is the third time. Third time. Because every time I come, it's a new and nicer studio.

That's the way till you see next year. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's going to be incredible. You have a new book before we move on, new book called Subculture Vulture. It's out now. It's the great Moshek, Kasha, O'Neill. Yeah.

Glad to be back. Thank you for having me. Before we get it, there's a lot to talk about, but the book concept is very cool. It's broken, like, you break it down into like these, these six subculture kind of of your life, right? Yeah, they're each like a, it's kind of a, it's a history and a comedy and a memoir. And it's a subculture vulture, a memoir and six scenes.

So each of the sections is one of the subcultures that kind of like created who I am. And I know, I was familiar with some of them. I knew about A.A. Yeah, I went to rehab three times by the time I turned 15 and got sober at 15 and I've been so pretty wild. Congratulations on that. I knew about deafness. Yes.

My parents are deaf. My uncles, aunts, cousins, everybody's deaf. It's deaf. And you know sign language and obviously became a huge part of your life. I was an interpreter

actually for 15 years. That was the last job I had before full-time stand-up was sign language to interpret. Pretty wild. I knew about Hasidic, like Judaism was a big part of your life. Yeah, my dad, after my mom split with him,

like became like a born-again Hasidic Jew and he moved to Brooklyn, a neighborhood in Brooklyn where he married a woman from like the most extreme Hasidic sect. So when he went in visitation, I would fly back and cosplay as an extra from Fiddler on the roof for six weeks a year.

While I was a public school, regular, secular kid, listening to the same music you listened to growing up, then I would just fly back and become like Tevi of the Milkman. That's pretty wild. It was crazy. I didn't know, we were just talking in the lobby. I did not know about Burning Man. What?

Burning Man, I went. Oh, you knew that? I knew it because I follow you guys on Instagram. By the way, there's a goth, Burning Man Venn diagram crossover that you missed out on. What? If you want to come, you and me, Can I take the one drawback?

Because I've been there for a show I've filmed many years ago. Oh, you got sent to Burning Man for the show? Yes, it was a show where I picked up hitchhikers on FX. And we picked up people at Burning Man and gave them rides. And actually, it's a lovely culture. I love the idea.

It's very cathartic and great. The playa dust and the filth. There's no way around that. No way to shower and shit properly. I have an RV. So I shower and shit in a very clean way. And I imagine if the two of you came, you would not be.

tent camping. That's just, I'm not, I'm just throwing that out there. You don't have the vibe right now. Can you bring a tour bus? You can bring a tour bus. That's the fucking way to go. You can a thousand percent bring a tour bus. So then, I worked there. I worked there for 15 years too. And I went for the first time in 96 when I was 16. And last year was my 24th time. 24th time. Are you one of the probably longest going? I regularly, I'm definitely the best looking person who's been going that long. Most definitely. Yeah. Definitely the youngest. I don't have the least. amount of crow's feet of the people that have been attending that long. Do you plan? Do you build a float? Do you build art? Do you go with an agenda every year? Like is there? No, okay, look, I've been

going for such a long time that it's a, it's slightly boring to me at this point. But now I go because I have a streak. Do you have things like that in your life? Like I cannot go because fucking duolingo. Yeah. It's very similar to duolingo. Yes. I speak the, I learn the language of mother ayahuasca every year. No, I don't. I don't. I'm still sober. But I, But these days I go with, I almost do nothing. But there were years over the two and a half decades I've been going, yeah, I would go with an agenda. But we would always go with like a comedy agenda.

Like you know they have art cars. You say like float. We built this art car called The Void, which was the worst art car that has ever been built at Burning Man. And we did it to bum people out. It was basically a cargo van and we like framed it with two by four. It's like a big square on either side of the cargo van. And we just draped shade cloth on the side of it.

So it was just a roving, like, cube of black. Just saddened people. And we would pull up on, like, people would be like in the desert, like rubbing each other, like peaking on Molly. And we pull up like blasting like Husker Do or like A No Cunt and with like a PA and we'd be like, hey there, you on acid. Have you ever thought about what's going to happen when you die? And then we pull off. So it was like the night itself. I like that's fun.

We were like bad vibe clowns. That's cool. So wait, that's subculture five, four that I mentioned. Four, yes. And then I knew stand-up, obviously. That is one of them. That is five, yes. There's a sixth one?

The sixth is raves, which is how I got into. Did you? Good time. Growing up in L.A. in the 90s. Oh, yeah. I went to two. I've only been to two. Two?

Yeah. I wasn't a huge raper. Don't get me. I'm not like going to claim that scene, but I was there enough to be like, this is definitely fun. Was it San Francisco for you? San Francisco. I was sober eight months.

I was 15. And I was looking around. I'm at these young people's meetings. the youngest person by 10 years at the young people's meeting. So I was like lonely. Yeah. And I was horny as well. And I mean, I didn't put it together, but in retrospect, I was like, there must have been horniness involved. Yeah. And I saw a flyer for a, for a rave on a telephone pole and I go, I don't know where I got this from because I grew up like listening to gangster rap and like that was like my world, like identity crisis guy. Sure. That was my universe. And but I was like, I'm going to that. And I

bought a ticket by myself and I went and I I remember I stuffed a bag of escape by Calvin Klein into a sock just in case I had to like like potpoury sent to blackjack somebody on the way it like that was the mind I entered that party with and I got in there and I I mean it was like the whole book is about these moments of like you know like a doorway where you walk through it's like Narnia it was like that or Star Wars or Harry Potter you're this like weak like just powerless, friendless kid and then you walk through a portal and you're like in another universe. I belong. I belong.

These are my people. I've got superpowers here. I started, I put the bag down with the escape sock and I just like wandered into the rave. Like every, you know, I'm like people in cat and the hats and big Mickey Mouse gloves and shit. And I go, these are my people. I start like pirouetting and like doing ballerina dances. And this gay couple came and grabbed me.

And they picked me up in the air and they go, you dance beautifully. And I was like this like little wannabe gangster. the air. I put me down. I grabbed them. I go, don't you hug me. I grab them. I pull them close to me. I kissed them both on the cheek and ran off. I was a full raver. Yeah. Like, I'd been a change. You were energized by the whole thing. It was like a whole, I was a different, I literally walked through and came out a different person. How long did the like rave period last for you? So I did that for about five years and I became like a big rave promoter and DJ and eventually ecstasy dealer, clean and sober. I think perhaps the only clean and sober, ecstasy dealer. It's probably a great way to

run the business. Well, I did not get high off my. own supply. Indeed, I did not. But I would see people from the AA meeting sometimes coming. You remember raves, all the drugs get sold at raves like in one, like in the first half hour. So it was like a Middle Eastern market, you know, but quiet. You know, they're not going like, hey, come get a vase. You'd be like, and then I'd see a guy from the Monday night meeting. And I'd be like, E, E.E. NEDs, brother, from the Tuesday night meeting. Yay, welcome, welcome. Yeah, I remember the guys like at parties in college who would walk by you, unlike whisper, They'd be like Coke, wheat, what was that?

And they'd already be past you. They'd already be gone. What do you have to chase them down? Even on Hate Street in the 90s, they would just say that to acid, E, e, and you're like, oh. I saw the greatest thing on Hate Street in the 90s. There used to be a project on Hate Street, like a San Francisco housing project. And I saw a gang fight between like the black kids from the projects and the hippie homeless kids. And it was a full physical war.

And all the black kids had like baseball bats and like 40 bottles. And all the hippies, I'm not even making this up. They had like staffs and like crystal juggle, like contact juggling balls. But it was an even, and skateboards and shit. But it was kind of an even match. It was like wizards coming by. But then like gangsters on the other side. It was one of the greatest things I've ever seen.

How did it end? I think it just sort of exploded. And then they all went down to Golden Gate Park and played acoustic guitar. That's cool. That's very cool. Yeah. A hockey sock. You had a great, you always bring out something wonderful.

you saw, what is it, the Folsom Street Fair? Oh, the Folsom Street Fair. In there. And then the exotic erotic ball. I don't know if you ever did that one in the 90s. I remember the exotic erotic. And Folsom Street Fair was great. That's always the classic.

You would have loved it, Tom. It was like a rave where you could see somebody fissing, two men fissing. That's what you would always bring up. I always bring it up that it was so free. Like guys just butt fuck in the streets. Oh yeah, big time. I had a friend who used to work at Pier 39, which is like the tourist spot of San Francisco. And he was this older gay guy with a wickickie.

could sense of humor and this like family from Iowa or something came in and they're like, hi, we're new to town. We're just checking things out. Anything funny? He goes, oh yes, honey, you got to go to the Folsom Street Fair. And he said this like Christian family to the Folsom Street Fair. They're probably still talking about that. Oh, my God.

He must have misdirected us for sure what their thought when they got there. He must have not meant this. You know that there was a subsidiary of the Folsom Street Fair that was more hardcore. No. Yes. If you were really in the know, you would go to. Dori Allie, which was a sub That's where the real freaky shit went

down. Didn't know. The innocent shit with two men butt fucking to house music, that happened on Folsom Street Fair. But if you wanted to see like a cum pig get pissed on, you go to Dorya. Yeah, you missed your shot. I missed it. Wow. That's actually the seventh subculture in the book is Dorea. Oh, that's another chapter. My life in piss.

Well, I do know of clubs my gay male friends would go to where there would just be like a guy sitting somewhere and then you guys would take turns fucking him. or maybe, you know, like glory holes. They just put your dick in a hole and guys do whatever they were.

Yeah, I've done that. We've all done that. That's how you got passed at the comedy store. Exactly. Tommy. That's what those holes. They all say those holes are from when the mafia was there. They would shoot people?

No, no, no. That was an original glory hole. Yeah. No, I went once to a sex party called the power exchange in San Francisco. Yes. It's a club, no? It was a club. And they had, there were three levels.

Or maybe there were two levels. That's what I'm talking about. Power exchange. So you go in. You had to bring up, if you went with a woman, you would get in for a certain amount. If you went solo and wanted to wear your regular clothes, it would be really expensive. If you went solo and wanted to wear a towel, it would be another amount. And then upstairs was the gay men.

So that people were just having a fun time. Yeah. Downstairs there was this like weird kind of psychological experiment happening. So it would be, you'd go in and the look, as I went with a girl. And I went with a girl. And the look, but she was not like somebody I was hooking up with. who were just like kind of checking it out. The look on everybody's face,

it was all these like kind of thugs and towels who the look was extreme disappointment, hour one. And then the straight couples would peel off and go fuck and have people watch them. Hour two was kind of like mild intrigue and like conflicted emotion. And then hour three was like gangster getting a blowjob from a postal worker in a wig.

Wow. It was just like they kind of surrendered to their horny. And I remember I went and I dropped the girl off after that. Like, good night. And I was driving back to Oakland. And I saw the off ramp and I saw the power. I already had the band on. And I was like, and I went back.

You did? Yeah, I went back. And we used to joke me and that girl, motion went back. And I went back and I like stared into a window as a couple fucked and jerked off. And that was sort of. That's great. That was nice. But that sounds like a nice way to end the night.

A nice night out. Yeah. Like that seems. And then you're like, no. I'm ready to go home. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's time to go home. This is where I want to ask you, before I forget, about deafness. Power exchange.

So have you done shows with a sign language interpreter? Oh, sure, yeah, yeah. So for people that don't know, this is a thing that happens in stand-up. And the first time, it's usually quite a surprise where you'll be at a club or you're at a theater. And they go, oh, there's a hearing impaired person in the audience. And you're like, okay. And they go, so there'll be an interpreter on stage with you.

And you're like, what do you mean? They're like, well, somebody calls ahead. and says, I'm hearing impaired, they can request, and we will, by law, provide an interpreter. So you are literally standing, you know, doing your show, and then depending on the size of the stage, you know, maybe 10, 20 feet away or whatever, there's an interpreter throughout your act. Right. But you'd be one of probably the only, if not, the only comedian who actually speaks sign language.

Do you interact then differently with them? I do a thing sometimes. they kind of hate it. I mean, every comedian kind of does the same thing where they play with. I've never had a bad show with an interpreter. It's always fun.

It's always fun. It always adds this weird new dynamic where you can kind of play with it. But usually what comics instinct is is to like make them say something of color and then everybody laughs and we all have a good time and then the interpreter goes home and cries.

I will do a thing where, because their job, and no one knows this except me and the deaf people, their job is to not only interpret what I'm saying, but to say what I'm what I'm what I'm say what I'm say what the deaf person is signing right that's the second half of the job with the deaf person so usually the way you interact with the sign language interpreter is that you say your act and they sign it right but there's a second half of the job which is a signing person signs and they take the mic and they say what you are signing you know what I'm saying no the deaf person signs and the hearing interpreter has to speak in English what they're signing oh that's the second half of the job and it doesn't ever happen in a comedy show but because that's not there. But I worked for 15 years as an interpreter.

I did... I thought you meant at the comedy show. That's why I was like, wait, I've never had that bit. Well, that's the thing that I will do because I'm the only one that can do it. Sometimes in the right circumstances, I will pretend, they don't know who I am.

So I'll pretend like, you know what? I'm going to try to... I'm going to try this. This doesn't look that hard. I'm just going to move my fingers. And I give them the mic. You're supposed to sign what I say, right? And you're supposed to say what I sign and go,

I guess, and I hand them in the mic and I start like kind of flapping my hands and they think I'm just fucking with them and being like the most ignorant comedian ever and then I slowly like morph it into sign language and then I'll do a bit now that is a funny bit when the interpreter is trying to do like a blue joke or something

and they're trying to catch up and I'm like correcting them I'm like no no no I said my balls were filled when I went to the Folsom Street Fair they were full I got pissed on in Dorianity and you're doing it all in perfect sign language I will morph it in a perfect sign language and force them to say that that's a front bit

Does it fade on you if you don't use it because I mean do you still use it quite a bit I use it because my mom, I still signed in my mom, but I'm rusted than I used to be. When I was right before I transitioned into full-time stand-up, I was like at the heights of my powers. Yeah. I was working on the internet. Webcams were invented. When I was a little kid, I would have to call my mom. And the way that I would call my mom is I would call on a phone, like a regular phone to a service.

And there would be an operator that would pick up. The operator would hear my voice. And then they would call and they had this thing called the TTY. It was a teletype machine and you would type the message. And so, you know, me and my friends used to fuck with the, I would fuck with my friends and call them and be like, you know, I would like call my drug dealer. Yeah. He was very mad when I did this.

I thought it was funny, you know, because I called him and be like, yeah, I need a 20 sack. And he'd be like, get off the phone. Do not ever call me with the, I was like, no, it's fun. It's fun. We're having a good time. But then they invented webcams. And so an interpreter would do it. And it was like, it was so much smoother.

And I was that interpreter. So that was very surreal because I used to call the people. I used to be the person calling. And, you know, I would call my mom and the phone would pick up, you know, and it'd be like, hello, hello, my son. They're like, oh, mom, are you a black dude? And at that time, at that time, that's right. That would be the interpreter calling you. It would be the operator, right?

So now it's an interpreter. So the conversation's got a lot smoother, right? And you could call, any kind of call. So I did that for five years. Any kind of call you can imagine. Anything that a deaf person's calling for, you're calling for too. And I would, I'll tell you the, I'll tell you the, I'm trying to think. which one of this one's a good one this dude called one time and I could see on his face like he was

agitated there was something up with him and he's like call the number and I go oh okay and I press connect and it's a police station it's like you know whatever Austin police can I help you and the guy starts signing and my job I just one of the rules on interpreting is a big rule never ever do third person never say he said he wants a pizza always say I want to order pizza yeah it's You can get fired for doing third person because it's like this like reminder that the deaf person isn't in charge of the call. And there's like a person. Right. He's saying that he wants that.

You don't ever do that. You can be fired for this. So that's a rule. So I call and the cop picks up and we start the call and like I'm going to sound like a language interpreter. We're about to begin. And then bam. The guy starts signing. He's like, fuck you, motherfucker.

You fucking surveilling me. I know you're surveilling me. I'm like, oh, he's on meth. Okay. This guy's like day four. He hasn't slept in day. And he's like, fuck you. You're fucking stupid.

fucking pig, fuck you. And the cop, unflappable, professional. The cop's just like, sir, if you don't calm down and tell me what's happening, I'm not going to be able to help you. I understand that you're upset and I'm signing all this shit. And he's like, you can fucking suck my fucking dick, you stupid pig. I'm stoked at this point. I'm able to call a cop a pig with total impunity.

I'm loving it. I'm doing snorting noises. Everything's good, right? I'm just like, fuck you, fuck you. The cop's like, sir, I just, again, I want to help you, but I can help. He's like, suck my, you can help me by sucking this dick, you little bitch. fuck you and then he signs fuck your mother

and there's silence on the phone and I go and the cop goes what do you say I go hold on just getting some clarification here and the guy goes fuck your mother and I go he said fuck your mother he said it he said I didn't say that he said

fuck your mother the cop loses it full out of he's like fuck my mama fuck you motherfucker fuck and then they're just going back and forth fuck you fuck you fuck you and I hung up the call luckily nobody it was such a dramatic situation that nobody noticed

I jumped out of professional composure I could have been fired and you ended it well I didn't hang up the call came to a lovely conclusion I don't think that guy ever got help that's crazy that that's what throws people off fledge

that's my mom that's my mom don't talk about my mama I had another call once these guys called these two dudes called and they go they go again on their faces

they're like okay call and I go what's up with these faces man why you and then I the call picks up and I realize immediately why. It's like tons of fat-titted horny babes are fingering their juicy slits waiting for you right now. Press 5 to be connected.

And I'm signing it. I'm like tons of fat-titted horny babes are fingering their slits right now. Press 5 to be connected. But then I got to tell these guys. I go, guys, I got to tell you, I'm sorry, but I can't press 5. Like I'm not allowed. This is a pay-to-play situation. This is phone sex.

I can't connect you. And they go, oh my God, no. no no no no we don't want that phone sex no no no and I go oh whoa this is hilarious like wrong number oh they were trying to call some other number this is like a weird they go no we don't want phone sex we want a woman to come to our houses and have sex with us oh right phone sex would suck yeah I go oh I mean a a prostitute they go yes that yes do you know anybody I go and like I'm a coda and I'm a child of deaf adults like in my DNA yeah is the desire to help and any anytime I spent my first 15 years of my life in a non-consensual sign language interpreting

internship with my mother. I signed every doctor's appointment she ever had, you know, gynecological appointments, life was good. And then I started getting in trouble, the AA stuff. I started signing at behavioral meetings of which I was the subject. So it would be about me, right? It would be like, this guy fucking, you know, pulled the fire alarm, broke the window, this guy sucks.

And I would have to like, you know, you got to kind of shave it a little bit. You can't quite be like, he's, cool because then my mom would be like, why do you call me in here to say he's cool? So you have to be like, well, he's got some problems. We think he's charming. Maybe a future in stand-up comedy. So you do like a full like kind of tilt of what the conversation is. Like a couple degrees.

Yes, a couple degrees. You had to like seed enough information that it would make sense but not. He's been misbehaving. Yeah, but we really do think he shows promise or whatever. Anyway, so it's in my blood. I want to help deaf people. But I had, I go, guys, I can't. I don't know.

You're out of state. I'm not a pimp. I don't know anybody and the look of disappointment on those two guys' faces when they hung up. I still don't know if they got laid. I know.

Because how do you find? They did. They did. They did. That's nice. You'd have to find a person that understands sign language like a pimp.

A deaf pimp. Yeah, it's so hard to find. Well, that's a whole thing, by the way. Sex workers for the disabled. I mean, deaf people, they get laid. I know there's the sex worker for like the guy that, you know, is like completely immobile.

It's like a caretaking. sex worker, right? Yeah. And when you learn about sex workers for the disabled, you start, all your judgment that you may or may not have had for sex work starts to like dribble out of your brain. You go, this is like, because we convince ourselves. Deaf people, I don't even think count in this world because deaf people, they're interacting in a pretty able-bodied way, you know, but people who are severely disabled, who can't move, they're as horny as we are.

And we like to think of them as like, oh, no, you get disabled and then your sex drive goes away. But that's for us so that we don't have to think of. about how you can't even masturbate. Some people are so disabled, they can't even, they couldn't take care of themselves. And they want to. Oh, it's terrible.

And so these sex workers that work with a disabled, they're like, they're fucking heroes. Yeah, of course. Straight up. Straight up, homie. Straight up, homie. No cap. Damn, no cap.

That's how I talk. God, dude. What do you think of this? We have the cutest pair of mother-daughter buttholes to do. My client's mom is an absolute bombshell. She has blonde hair. She loves days. She's wine and she loves the ocean.

So I gave her a little crown of daisies, wine bottle and a super cute seashell. And I also did cat ears because they have three cats. They also love working out, but I was a little worried to overcrowed the mom's butthole. I didn't want to overstuff it. So I just left it there and then moved on to the daughter's butthole. She has brown hair. She loves sunflowers. And she is in nursing school.

So I decided to do it. do cute little sunflowers. I gave her a stethoscope. And then for hers, I was able to put a little weight on there. I absolutely love this pair. The daughter is always going to think her mom's a giant pain in the ass and vice versa. But for these two, they're still best friends, which makes these BFF buttholes so much better for the two of them. It's cruel for a mother. That's a really beautiful. Would you get it for your kids? Oh, we already have. We ordered it. I tried to order one for a buddy that goes to Doreale and it was so expensive, the amount of female clay that she had to use, definitely could not be overcrowded that particular butthole. It was the entire city of San

Francisco pouring out of it. Speaking of nudity, your wife and Bart Kreisler. So good. It's Bert Kreisher. He's like, no, he's a, he's actually kind of famous on this. No, yeah, no, I know. Did I miss say it? No, no, I don't know. But Bart went crazy one day. He was like you'll never believe what just happened. I was at the improv. Did he cry? Oh yeah. He's like, and Natasha went up, took her top off.

So good, by the way. For people that don't know, will you please tell this story? Well, Natasha followed Bert and he was. It's a very smart move, actually. As he always is, was shirtless. He was shirtless, yeah. And the, and she wouldn't begin. He gets shirtless.

He gets shirtless. That's an important point. Well, I think it is funny that Bert does it at the improv. It's not just for concerts. It's for a 10-minute spot at the improv. It sounds like a real commitment. And then Natasha was like, I think it was texting me. I think I'm going to take my shirt off.

I think I'm going to take my shirt off. And I was like, go for it, honey, do it. And the video is so great because it goes from her. And she looks so awesome and like punk rock. And then it like swoops around a bert who's like having a seizure. Yeah, losing his mind. It's so like there's so much joy occurring in the world. And obviously the audience, they get to see a perfect pair of tits.

And then Natasha goes on. but I loved it I thought it was like the most punk rock I asked you because I saw the TMZ video was so great so did she do her whole set Topless like how do you follow that Right right

It's like when you ever try prop comedy Have you ever tried either of me? A little bit is terrible It's the worst because you'll do it right You'll do it and like it'll work the first time And the second I had this bit once early in comedy Where I had this like astronaut element

And I did it one time and I'm like Oh my God I think I'm carrot top And then the next time I put the thing on no one's into it and I'm like I got 10 more minutes of astronaut stuff and I'm in a fucking plush astronaut helmet so yes your tits are out what do you do she did a very classy she did it everybody cheered and then she put on like a fur coat over over so it looked very like Sharon Stone at the Oscars like it looked so hot here it here is okay go full screen here let's she's great yeah so there's Bart getting off stage I think yeah taking his clothes with him

This next movie on the stage is absolutely one of the funniest comedians I know in the world. I am jealous of her husband because he gets the lead of her and she is that hilarious. Ladies and gentlemen, Natasha Lucero. Nice plug to you. Yeah. Yeah, that's sweet. Wild. That's rad.

Yeah, there she goes. Ecstasy. Yeah, he loves it. The craziest part is... No, he calls it. He was like, they're so perfect. The craziest part is that this is not edited footage, that her tits look like that. Oh, they have that.

They're blurry like that. It was very weird for us. Can I tell you how I know she has perfect tits? I've never seen them. But the fact that she doesn't have to wear a bra to go out. She didn't have big mom slops like your lady is. That's the first thing I noticed. I'm like, she'd have to take a bra.

She's got little mom slops. She's got perfect mom slops. They're nice. I'm a lucky man. Yeah. Yeah. But nobody called, you know, TMZ called her. I'm a lucky guy too.

My big, oh, you're so sweet. Thanks, babe. We all say that, by the way. I would have to take off an enormous bra to do that. Yeah, you would. And I gotta tell you something, I think it would help a lot. I think people would really like it. I think you should do it.

Can I tell you why I love that she did that? It just made comedy fun again for me, like watching that. I'm like, oh, that's why we do this. It's so fun. It's funny you say that. So good. That was exactly what I loved about it because, like, Tasha has had like she's had a kid and and I think you probably relate to the idea like once you have a kid you have this like reconfiguring of like what am I kind of doing and like what's the stage got for me and like we still are like I know I know she loves doing the podcast and stuff and that but like the stage I've wanted her to like find a way to like recharge her fun thing because that's her as a performer it's like this wild kind of performer and when she said she was doing that I like I was so proud.

of her actually because it's such a wild kind of foster. It's very good. I think the most fun thing in stand-up that you can do, especially in clubs, like doing something like the improv is being in the moment. Like you know when you're like, I did this thing in the moment. It's not like it can't happen tomorrow. Yeah. It won't happen on the later set. It's just with something that was happening right now and that's captured that like you get an idea and you're like, that'll work if I do it right now or I'll try it right now. This is a magic. It's exactly like in the book, these like portals you can walk through. There's performance portals too. 1000%.

I'm here and there's a choice to be made and I can either have a boring set where there's nothing inspired and I'm just like trying to do well. Or I can have this moment where I like kind of just blast off and see what happens. I remember doing a weekend one time with who is the headliner? I think the headliner was it might have been it was either Tommy Davidson or somewhere. We're at the Ontario Improvereign. Jay Phillips was ahead of me and then I went. And I had, in one of my jokes, I incorporated something from one of his jokes. Yes, yes.

And the first time you get real nervous because it was like, it was a leap to do it. It wasn't like, it was a, it was like dangerous to try it because I was like, this is either going to go really poorly or really well. And it went so gangbusters. And then I got offstage and I remember saying, I go, it'll never go that well. And he goes, yeah, well. And I go, no, it won't. I'm playing off of what, like, they just saw you do this thing. and then I used it in my act.

But there's no rush like that. No, it's the best. There was this comic, you know, Mo Maddell. Yeah. So in San Francisco, we started together and he used to, Mo, I probably shouldn't tell this story, but he used to always put this vest on right before he was going to go on stage who put this vest on. Like a zip up?

It was like a no sleeve, puffy vest. Oh, yeah. And that was like his uniform? I guess it was. And so he did his set. He had a great set and then he hung his vest up because he was done with his set. And I like, I was looking at the vest. And I go, the vest is there.

And I'm going on pretty soon here. So I grab the vest. I put it on that. I put my jacket over it. And I go up on stage. And somewhere in the middle of my set, I took it off. And the crowd, I mean, you don't know if the crowd noticed, but then the crowd like goes nuts. And I go, oh, yeah, this is the comedy vest.

It's like our intern vest here at the punchline. We have to wear it when we're in our first year of being passed here. That's great. These are magical moments. Yeah, those are moments. Yeah. Okay. These are either horrible or hallucination.

So I show them to you. You tell me whether you think it's funny. Okay. That's it. Fuck, dude. Oh, I can't. Okay, that's broken. Oh, my God.

Fuck, bro. The internet. I know it's been good for you guys, but the internet doesn't seem worth it. Like, he's stoked. He's like, he's smiling. Yeah, he loves it. He's like, oh, that's broken. And it's definitely.

Can I say this is my new lane, though, is weightlifting accidents. I really like them now. I got some lanes for you. You might have gone down a mall, though. What do you got? White tourist in Thailand, fight video. That's one of the greats. That sounds interesting.

That's really good. It's just a level of happiness that you see when these like British sex tourists get beaten up by like 42 Thai people. Holy shit. That's a really good lane. Are you on cartelogram yet? No, what's that? That's the Instagram lane where the cartel guys have their own channels. I'm telling you the internet has gone too far.

You haven't seen this? Why are criminals trying to make content? They're out in like the jungle and they're like, get on that way. And then just, and there's just like, Ranchero music. And then you just see like a canoe with like 100 kilos of coke.

And they're like, what's up today, dog? You know, that's funny. You got to send this shit to me. There's another guy. There's a guy on the internet that I found who can find any location based on. I've seen this guy. All you got to do is FBI.

CIA, why am I saying this? The cartel is going to kill me. The CIA just needs to hire that guy. Go to Cartelagram. And then the war on. drugs. Is that the one of the, I thought it was a woman who's like, show me where you shit and I can tell you where you live based on your toilet.

And she does it. She's like, do you know, the trailer? Oh, because of that model, da, da, da, that zoom out, zoom out. That guy that you're talking about fucking spooks me, dude. Oh, it's so scary. He literally, like, you could do a picture outside just in front of like a tree. And this dude will be like, based on that type of tree and blah, blah, blah, and then he's like, it's definitely North America. It's definitely, and then he just like zooms it.

It's in Austin. exact location. But he does it for like fucking Kazakhstan and Mongolia. It's so scary. If somebody wants you bad enough, they will find you. They'll find you. I know. I got a German Shepherd in order to protect my family. Good. And it is the biggest bitch. Like it would welcome it would welcome. Really? Oh, come on in. You saw the TMZ video right this way. Like it sucks. I was like had this whole big plan. So now I got this big lumbering dog that takes human-sized sheds and sheds all over the house for like zero instinct. Zero protection.

And it is because I fucked around and got a German Shepherd. And in their DNA, they want to betray the Jews. They do. I'm not protecting this house. Yeah, we think German shepherds are kind of racist dogs. We were bred for the other team. Yeah, yeah. He's like calling local white supremacists.

If you want to find this family, come on over. Or this is, I guess, from Cartelagram here. This is one lane where they interview the guys. They don't all do interviews, but some of them do. When's the last time you killed someone? Really? Yeah. Really?

And before that? Shit. Shit. Shit. What's the people can't be in the life?

For you, what's the cost of a human life? Well, depends on who's if a person is cool, it's cheada, it's a very that life, but if a person

that's a verga that not serve, for me no value that that's a action and that. What does it? it take for you not to fuck with someone? Could I say the wrong joke right now? And you wouldn't like me because of it? Yeah, there's a regla, no. You need to have respect with one, no. I'm humanitarian, I

tell you, I don't chingua to any way. So do you ever just kill somebody randomly in the street because they disrespect you? No. So I guess because if you're listening, you're like, what the fuck is that? Because they kind of, you know, made his, distorted his voice and he was speaking in Spanish. Basically, he was saying, uh, I've killed a lot of people. I've made five disappear recently. and that I don't just kill anybody but if you're not doing shit with your life then you're worth killing he doesn't just kill randoms

but it's a Sicaria you know it's a hit man from the cartel I like that he said if you're chill if you're chill if you're chill if you can live I want to go on record and say I'm like a very chillist dudes I'm cool and he said a bad joke would be okay he's like a bad joke I thought that was the conversation

between me and Mo Mandel in the green room afterwards did he get mad no he didn't get mad I don't think he did we'll find out yeah we will find out all right here's another horrible or hilarious It's terrifying. Thanks, Tom. Oh, shit. I like rock climbing. I don't like whatever this is.

That one I like because you know what you're doing. I like it. I like the screen. I always like a good, like a grunt scream. That's the air knocked out of it. That's getting the wind up. He's fucked. This is also the problem with anybody doing shit in the wilderness solo.

Like, he set up the camera himself. What does he do? Does he like military crawl to the cell phone and try and called for help? He's super fucked. I mean, obviously he probably got rescued somehow, but he's not walking back. Did you make that noise during your accident? Yeah. You did the grunt.

Oh, fuck, man. Yes, that's a real shit is bad right now kind of grunt, you know. I love that he took the time to set up the camera before, too. Doing that. Oh, man. He was right there, too. was right there. Almost got it.

That is so rough. So we're over two so far. These are two. Oh, do I think it's funny? Either one. Here's the thing. I think they're both,

the first one was genuinely funny. Okay. Not because of the finger. I don't like seeing that. Yeah, yeah. I like seeing how desperate and pathetic people are for viral.

He was like, he had a glee to him. When he broke it, he goes, yeah, I got the video I've been looking for. Look at that. I thought it was just a push-up video, but it turns out it's a carnage video.

But may I ask, what's the point of this? He's just trying to go, he's trying to traverse it. Does he have like the rope or whatever? He's trying to show you that he can climb that whole thing. It looks like freehand, you know? Like there's no rope, no safety stuff. And obviously like look at the way that that's angled.

That's tough. I mean, that guy's... Yeah, it's nonsense. The rock climbers are have... Like, the really high-level ones are so freaky strong. Oh, it's wild. They're so strong. I saw a video of one of the top, top guys with Larry Wheels,

who's like this big bodybuilder power lift. and they were doing the front, like, the front, like basically lat pull down here, and he could do the rock climber. He looked like just like a lean. Doesn't look like a bodybuilder. Right. Like an athlete. And dude, he took the whole rack down, full control, down to here.

And like, you could see the other guys were like, uh, I can't do that range of motion. It's not because they're all, you know, fingers, hands pulling themselves up for miles on rocks sometimes. They have the same disability that they're not able to masturbate anymore. They can't. They're real disabled people because of those. calluses it. So rough, when they try, they make that same noise of that guy falling off the rock. And they could probably pull their dicks right off.

Because of that strength. The strength. That's really dangerous. That's very dangerous. You know, I saw a documentary, the guy before Alex Honnold, like the big boss of extreme climbing, he's no longer, he's so old that he's no longer able to do the things he needs to do. So what he does is he just sets up

high wires between cliffs and Yosemite and just walks across them with no like net underneath it. Like their brains have been boiled by adrenaline to such a degree that they like have to they can't feel alive unless they're doing that okay i can i say that there are something like there's things that you um i respect and i go holy shit yeah but i have no desire to do oh yes and rock climbing is one of them where i go i have no desire i would never i read a book you ever read into thin air about it's about a ill-fated climb to the top of Everest it's great but you

read it and you go i thought i didn't want to climb Everest before i read this book right right now i like so in the depths of my spiritual bones i would never it's it's it's it's Miserable. And I get, I've done the indoor places, you know, where they have the rock walls. And it's super challenging and it's fun. But I'm like, I have no desire to go out and do this. Never, never. This isn't, because there's only, the outcome is likely this.

I don't even think that doing it would give me the fulfillment, that it gives some people. For sure it does. Climbing to the top of a mountain seems cool. Climbing to the top of a small rock. I don't even see what you're exactly getting. That's why I mean, what's the point? Like, what is he doing? All right, I can't.

All right. It's so upsetting. This guy doesn't care about his life. Everybody laughed. Yeah, with the music, and it's so slow. The slowness is the key. That's how it was very slow. She's like, I got to stop this car.

I would say it's nearly romantic. Yeah. It's like the end of a beautiful relationship. And she sits up and adjusts her sweater. She's okay. Yeah. That was beautiful. That was.

I didn't know you could live being run over. buy a car at a slow pace. It doesn't slice you? It wasn't her head. I thought that was really beautiful. That was really nice. Let's see. Oh, this isn't good. Always good.

It's a good. What is that? It's a truck full of Coke. Yeah. That's so crazy. Literally. How does that guy not know he's barreling 75 miles down the highway with the bed elevated? Yeah, he's like, I killed a man yesterday.

there was a man with a truck slightly elevated, 75 kilos of coke who went to under the same. I can see myself fucking doing this, though. I'm an idiot. I like that this guy driving the car with the camera is like, he knows,

he's like, oh, this is about to fucking pop off here. He doesn't honk and go, slow down. He's like, you keep going. Go, go.

That was a juicer, though, too. That was kind of a nice bust. It was really good. It's fairly satisfying video. 10 out of 10. Oh, speaking of juicy busters? I have a question for you guys.

Yeah. Somebody called into our podcast recently. We have like a secrets hotline. in the Sunny Moon podcast, and the girl goes, I'm a ho, and I tell every man that I'm with, that I'm a squirder.

And I am not a squirder. I have never squirted in my life. I tell them I'm a squirder so that they feel the challenge and they always leave disappointed. What do you think? Would you do something like that? I mean, this reminds me of the old, I used to hear this from comics 20 years ago,

the line they go, you know, I just can't come from a blowjob. Challenge set. Yeah, yeah, right? And then they're like, oh, shit, I guess I did. I heard that a few times. You're the first. But that's more empowering.

Yeah, this is done to make somebody feel like they're insufficient. They're not enough. They fuck harder and leave disappointing. You get it all, kind of. A look of disappointment in your lover's face and he's tried really hard. It's brilliant. It's brilliant. At first I was like, I don't know, that sounds someone compassionate.

it, but then I'm like, bitch is getting what she wants out of this. Have you ever been with- But she's trying to get someone to feel like shit though, too, right? Like that's not- Yeah, but some guys like that. Yeah, right. You think they all like that? No, I'm certain guys.

And those are the guys that really come back time after time, and those are your regulars, you make a fortune. Yeah, but also imagine being in a relationship with that girl and be like, it's been seven years. I know I'm gonna get her. I'm gonna get her. I'm building up. She's gonna squirt.

You have children. They're in college. You're like, she still hasn't squirted. I'm doing my best. Have you ever been with a squatter? And you can abstain if the question's too close to. Not like shooting out like that. A real messy girl.

I have. Yeah? It's wild. It's a wild situation. And you pull out and it's just goosh. It looks a lot like that truck. You put your face in it. I think to be honest with you, it was a little scary.

It's intimidating. Yes, intimidating. Definitely. I heard squirt is piss. Are you going to tell me? This goes back and forth. It's a big controversy. It's a huge problem.

It's actually not cool for you to bring up. But it is a huge controversy. Nobody knows. The thing that I'll say about that is that every time I hear a medical person weigh in on it, they go, it's piss. And every time... You hear like a feminist sex blogger? They're like, I know my bladder's empty and it's not piss.

And literally, I've heard always the woman saying it's not piss. And always the medical person saying, yes, it is. That's funny. My bladder's empty, but you have a secondary bladder for... That's sex piss. And that'll come out if the guy fucks. you're right. Sex piss.

Gotcha. Yeah. Sex piss. So was it thoroughly, you're intimidated, but ultimately enjoyable? From an ego perspective, you felt great. Well, it's just like the great mission of male sexuality is like, am I doing this right? Yeah.

And so if you have a physical representation of, yeah, yeah, definitely. There's a gawoosh. Oh, it's like, it's like a, it's come. Lady come. It's like, it's like if I jizzed and then you're like, I did a good job. That shows me I did a good job. Oh, and now I wish ladies all did that. I wish I could do that for you, like a sense of achievement.

Is it? We could try. We could try. We could try pissing on you. If I somehow was able to be the origin story of your guys's piss journey, that would make, to be honest, the book, I don't care about the book. Piss journey. It would merit a new book, I think.

That's right. Piss journey. What is this you gave me about? I tried that once, by the way. What's that? I did one time pee on someone. And? Did they ask for it?

Yeah, yeah. Well, I didn't know if you were like, you're getting pissed on it. Yeah, I just jumped out of the closet. like surprise. No, it was, I was in a relationship with somebody and we were getting freakier and freakier and we were like, why don't we try this? And it was full on and it was all the way and it was in mouth and everything. Oh, did they drink it? I don't know if there was that, but it was definitely, you know, filled up the bucket. And both of us at the end were like, okay, that was, you ever try something you're not? Into? Yeah, like you just, it's above a

difficulty setting that you're prepared to fight at. We both kind of looked at each other, shook hands and But that was a nice experiment, but I don't think we're going back to that. I think there's this thing, too, about you think, I think it happens maybe for men more. Maybe I'm wrong. But where you go, you hear about a sexual thing and you go, well, if people are doing that, it's got to be, I need, I'm supposed to be into it. Right. And then you try it. I'm a square if I don't like it.

Yeah, yeah. But then you go like, I got to tell you, I really tried it. That one's too far. Or it just, it doesn't do anything. Like, I don't feel anything from this other than. I don't want to do this. Yeah, yeah. That was, that's how I am with feet.

I don't understand. I'm never, you love a foot? Yeah. You love a, what do you think of? Do any women like, are any women? Are any women into feet? That's an interesting thing. How come women are never talking about it?

About men's feet? That's a real, are you into men's feet? Write us, your mom's podcast at Gmail. Not if you're a guy though. No, no, no, it's a woman. There's going to be guys. Because we made an inquiry about women that have gone airtight with dudes. What's our tight mean?

All the three, three at once? Oh, airtight. Okay, I see. I see. I've done that. I've done that. No. Well, here's the thing. Like, it was a few. They wrote in and they're like, you're like, wow, you have three guys at once. That's a lot. That's a lot. No, five is the most. What are the odds that one of them doesn't just annoy you on a social level. That's hard to find three decks that you can tolerate. The one that the one wrote in about it, the thing that made sense is that she had slept with each individually. Yes. So I think there's a real understanding of this is how this guy does. I know what he's like. I think because, you know, it's not a porno. It's real life. Right. So that's the only good three-sum I've ever have. I've ever had.

is when it was with two women that I dated. And then it was cool. Like every other time there was some horrible social dynamic. There was one time I was dating someone and we decided to like find a couple on Craigslist. And so we wrote to the couple. And I hadn't done this. I wasn't like some dynamo in this way. But we found the couple and they're like come over.

We go over there. And immediately I'm like a little uncomfortable. The guy kind of like very eyes wide shut takes my date's hand and like leads her to the bedroom. and the girl comes over to me and we start kissing and I'm immediately like oh this will not be happening like I am impotent

like this is not you're not turned on at all it's not that I'm like pressured I want to be done I'm like please make this happen the guy this strange man he's done this a dozen times

he's in the other room just fucking going off I mean he's just like pounding my girlfriend and I'm in the other room with his girl just like this doesn't normally I mean I've never done this before

but also doesn't normally happen. And I'm like furiously pumping, trying to, and just like nothing, just zero happening. But every time I look over is this stranger just railing my girlfriend. Most group sex is disappointed. Did your girlfriend go like, that was a great time? I think he was a creep a little bit to her. And she didn't, she was like, I'm good on that. It was another moment. That's my whole sex life is just trying things that are too freaky for me. Yeah. Yeah. Well, at least you tried. But one time I had, I did two women I had dated. It was really beautiful.

It was really nice. It was really nice. There was no pressure. But see, that's the thing is that you knew both and that changes that. And that's why I'm here. I know the two of you. I think you're both great people. Yeah, yeah, let's do it.

It's a big day for me. And I just wonder if you can make it special. Yeah, yeah, let's do it. There's plenty of room. Oh, that's perfect. Let's go. No, I know. We could do it right here.

It's a great episode of where my mom's at. Oh, yeah. They're right here. They're getting squirty. And they're airtight. My mom's right. My piss journey. All right.

What is, oh, oh, yeah, you talked about pissing in your... Did you know that the ancient ribands used to brush their teeth with urine? They used it to whiten their teeth. And the thing is, it actually works because urine contains ammonia, which is a powerful cleansing agent. Powerful. It also contains stem cells. And so it can actually help to heal the enamel and tooth and also the guise.

People make claims that I don't know is entirely true. I don't know that your urine has stem cells. We know that the Spartans would practice ball-com. Oh, let me. She had done this before, but I was just thinking, I want to use the tap water, so I've been drinking lots of beautiful filter water. And then I thought, why don't I just brush my teeth with my friend? I loop it all day anyway. And here we go.

Oh. There you go. This is a... Do you spy the fucking... It actually just tastes in water. They're packed with heaps of good stuff. Good stuff, guys. They love the good stuff.

Heaps of it. This is a whole area of the internet that I love, the piss area. Piss is big. They love it. It'll heal cancer. Like, it'll heal everything. And then there's these people on these message boards who have like abscesses that they're treating with piss and they're getting worse. And they keep posting it.

And the hippies never are like, you know what? Tap out and go to a doctor. They're always like, just a couple more squirts. You're almost there. The piss stuff is like, this guy. So one of the reasons why I am single is because I'm a double soul shaman. In ancient cultures, I would have been the one that the quote unquote straight dudes would have gone. to for healing, especially sexual healing when their wives were on their periods.

It's not that the women were dirty when they were menstruating. It was that they were too powerful for the Alpha's stag dudes, the warrior dudes, who usually had many, many wives and many, many babies to be around. So they would go to somebody like me for sexual healing, and I would help them sharpen their masculine essence. Yeah. I know this guy. I mean, I don't know him.

I probably camp next day my brain man. Do you have his piss one? Oh, he's especially, he's always talking about like. building up calm. It doesn't like save his calm and stuff like that. He's cum and his piss and he drinks post. Yeah. He's like, the reason I'm single is because I'm a double soul shaman.

It's not because I drink piss every night. That has nothing to do with it. He's really into the lives. I keep saying that like skin, his skin always looks amazing. He looks amazing. Do you think he's good at sex? I don't know. He's amazing.

He's a double soul shaman. Of course. I'm sorry. I asked. What are you stupid? I mean, I don't think he's bad. I don't think he's bad. No, I think he's excellent.

I think this is his full-time job. like being horny and courting. But it's also, he always presents, I'm not horny. This is always, this has. This is healing. Yeah, this has nothing to do with desire. Yeah, this is sex matter. I don't want to fuck your wife, but I have to.

Yeah, and I'm just like, how much better do you feel now that I did it? I just think this guy, I would love to see what this guy thinks about when the cameras are off and it's like 1230 and no one's calling him. Like, what's sad double soul shaman look like? I don't know. Yeah. I mean, I think it's just another cup of piss honestly. He drowning his sorrows in piss

He goes to the bar Hey Joe, let me get a double He did the piss one He'll pull it up This one, this is the first We found, we played this one today This is a new one I find it so cute and funny

Funny And kind of annoying That so many modern men's work leaders Based their branding off of like Spartan culture And they call it the modern warrior Journal or You know, we're the samurai

Peter's so white. You know? They're so good. Yet they never get naked. They never do ball cupping rituals. They never see each other's cocks. Never. The outermost extension of each other's hearts are completely hidden by their Lulu Lemon,

polyester underwear that's leaching feminizing chemicals right into their ball sacks. I love that he did an edit point there, too. I kind of flubbed feminizing ball cupping Lulu Lemon, feminizing chemicals into their ball. Yeah, let's just start over. Let's start over there. Yeah. When really they could be leaching good high vibrational brotherhood vibrations into each other's ball sacks through cupping, which is exactly what the Spartans did. You know, if you claim to be like a Spartan samurai brotherhood, it's like the samurai were sniffing each other's balls.

The Spartans were cuddling and sucking each other's nipples before battle on animal skins. I love that he's a snob about such a specific. He's just like, you don't even cover your brother's balls and lick their nipples before battle. Who the fuck are you? Like, that's a hipster on a level that I don't even relate to. Right. But also, like, the idea that, like, the idea that anybody knows this is hilarious, you know? That's common knowledge.

Because his angle should be like, I'm going to teach you some shit you don't know. He's like, who the fuck are you? Okay, so you're fucking stupid and have no information about what Troy, the Warriors of Troy did. Yeah. They would drink a shot of each other's nut right before they. You call yourself a man? Yeah. Like, you're a man.

Okay. I wonder, is it true? Have we researched it? No. No. We have not. He must know. And I imagine that if you found something that really detailed on like the highest ranking scholar on the samurai and it didn't mention ball cupping and nipple licking, he'd be like, this guy's a fucking fraud.

Yeah, this is fake news. What is ball cupping is that you hold the ball of your brother? He gestures like that a lot. Can I tell you something? Let's bring it back to this book. Yeah. About Jewish history? Sure.

that they used to, in the Bible, this is the Bible that everybody reads, they used to make oaths. And that's what, I think part of why the circumcision is a covenant, it's an oath with God, that people in biblical times would make oath by grabbing each other's cocks and swearing on, they would bulk up. This wasn't about war. This was about keeping your word. I like that.

You'd grab the balls of your, of your, that's how I signed with my manager for the first time. Really? Yeah, he grabbed each other's balls and we said, this is permanent. This is for real. Yeah. And that's how I made the deal with the devil. Swear on the bone, honey. But that's a real, that's real.

I guess because you, I mean, it makes sense that if you do an oath that way, you definitely feel very vulnerable. Right. When you do it. Right. It's not just like shake my hand. It's like, hold my nuts. Hold my balls and wait for me to say yes.

Or paint your face in my menstrual blood. Yeah. That's what you should do. I went on a vacation recently and I walked into, I went to this hot spring like hippie place in Ashland, Oregon. And I walked into the menstrual tent accidentally. Oh, I'd love to go to one. You would love it.

You guys would get such a kick out of it. But the women came over and chased me out. Good. They were like, this is not, this is a Yoni tent and you don't belong here. Good. Yeah, no, no, I felt bad. Like what he's talking about, I actually would like with other women as I menstruate. I want a menstruate.

So me and Brian Crewe just taught a really juicy inus workshop today. I remember this one. And got a little bit into the prostate too. And that caused some freedom to be secreted from my manhood. So a little bit of sperm teeped out, a little bit of testosterone, a little bit of spermidine, which is good for muscle growth, a little bit of nerve growth factor, which is really good for your brain and your nervous system. Hold on. Do you think you watch his Netflix?

What else came out? A little bit of vitamins, minerals, oxytocin, and bonding hormone, which lowers cortisol. So not only am I getting the benefit of the urine therapy, which is powerful on its own, the Shibambu, I should call it, but I'm also getting the benefit of the sperm, the semen, tiny bit of semen that's been mixed in with my urine. Here we go. It's fresh. Oh, wow. That's very, very potent. I love this.

That's how I am at an Outback steakhouse. Like, wow, that is really something special. Stripped on the Barbie. Just a little pre-cum on the barbecue. And I got to tell you, he's so comfortable urinating in front of the camera and talking. You ever see those videos where people are crying and then they make a video? Yeah. That's this.

He's like, oh, I got a hot piss load him up. I got to go grab my iPhone because it's time for a video. It's not an accident that he's pissing. It's not. It's not. God. So handsome. You want to show most of what you got? Are you ready for my TikTok curations? Absolutely, yes.

As you know, you and I both seem to appreciate the outliers. Yes. Yes. Oh, I have another one for you. False valor. You know false valor. Oh, of course. There's a new category, which I've, they're rare.

It's false false valor. So it's a guy, it's a stolen valor, a guy going up to a stolen valor guy and then being proved that the guy actually was in the military. That's a very rare category. really really satisfying he's going to go where'd you get that fucking would you get that uniform where'd you serve and then the guy like busts out like ID and then and then so he become he stole the valor back wow I'd like to see one of those sounds interesting let's find those okay sure put it on the homework assignment okay here we go what are the biggest challenges

for you're either franklin the biggest challenges for me it's trying to figure out what's cook for dinner nightly you know just night after night what is it going to be tonight you don't actually cook your own dinner oh please i do my own washing my own cooking my own ironing all of that no yeah so you know there's something nobody would you know it's you got you have to figure what is it going to be tonight i did that last night that's the hardest thing right there wow sara franklin she just like that my biggest challenge is figuring out how to get my man's pre-com into a jar of his piss so i can get some of that oxytocin going for my concert tonight lower my cortisol levels i saw her yoni is squirting

right now i saw her in concert it was awesome how amazing the only annoyed i've said before the only annoying thing about that concert is you're obviously surround i was it was a smaller venue it was in south carolina um is that everybody around you sings what she's singing at their full volume you're ruining the worst yeah i saw like they're like r es p b c like as she's and you're like dude What the fuck? Don't go to a broad You probably aren't into Broadway musicals

But I love them Never That's the worst That's the worst situation Because they'll do that You can be the most complex person I've ever met The most layered person

I like a group sex A little bit of piss play And the Phantom of the Opera Wait do people sing along Is that why? Oh yeah But the dorkeiest people too It's just like

Just some geek That's trying to get Like past At their community College musical Theater class It's just like The Phantom of the Appanahs

Yeah No a professional up there. Let him do it. You're a virgin. Let's wait till you get on the stage. I know. I want people to start doing that at my shows.

Doing the bits. Doing the bits. That would be good. That would be kind of cool, actually. What do you call a hen that counts its eggs every day? A mathma chicken. But she shouldn't count her eggs before they hatch. First joke of the year?

Meh. All right. Happy New Year to you guys. Y'all have a great day. Have a great year. Let's make something happen. Take care. Okay.

So this is the. the lane of like dad jokes I really hated that a lot I really hate him I hate from Austin I really don't like it because he's trying to get laid right like it's always for men

I can tell you one of the things that happens though when somebody goes like well let's just make it happen he doesn't know what to say but he likes the idea of like yeah getting some attention but it's attention without like that's what I'm saying

this guy's 60 he should be like threshing corn or like a Telling his grand kid about the Bible or something. I know. You see how many likes are got, honey? Yeah. It's an addiction. It's an addiction.

Oh, Jesus. This is caught on a ring camera. Home invasion? Yeah. Jesus Christ, this is fucking terrifying. I think this was running. Oh, shit. Someone fought back.

Two armed men trying to break into an apartment in Dallas got quite a surprise after the man inside started shooting at them. Oh, yeah. man says when he answered his doorbell camera, the suspects told him they were there to check the filter on his air conditioner. He told them to come back another time. They then tried to break in, and that's when the man opened fire on them through the door. One of the suspects been arrested. The search for the other continues.

Welcome to Texas, y'all. That is so incredible video. You never know what's going to happen. I like that the lady goes, don't do that. None Texas. You never know what's going to happen. I mean, it's kind of a beautiful video, actually, because what I was noticing is that the one guy had a blue rag on, the other guys in all red.

You guys, this is a unity piece right here. They're coming together. I mean, imagine those two guys saying we're here to change the air filter on your air conditioning. You're like, okay, so you're robbers. That's what's happening? Why do you have a gun, though? I got a gun and a bandana. So I'm here to, I definitely work for the city.

Your filter all right? Yeah. Broad daylight. Pop that black cherry open. Helps with the meows. Oh, my God. Helps with a meow. This is like deep and deep cringe.

We found the deepest of cringe That cringe lane is really strong It's so cool But I do love black cherry soda Is self-aware? This one? He knows it's cringe or this is his actual personality? He's like I have this

I have a thing that I do Yeah I did this before the internet People used to really not like it But now I'm doing these videos Yeah he's He's getting All the views for this are on like a cringe site Yeah

Not on the site of origin on the page of origin. But we have, society has morphed into itself where there is no difference really between a genuine enjoyment of something or a cringe enjoyment of something.

We're at a different zone. Yeah. We've gone through the looking glass. Yeah, this is, thank you. It's highly unlikable. Would you rather, Christina, you have a one night of passion with yoni guy or a black cherry guy?

I'm gonna go yonnie guy? A thousand percent. Yeah, I mean, it seems like such, okay, dad joke guy. I take it back. Oh, fuck right off. Between this guy and dad joke guy, fuck off. I'm meowing with Black Cherry.

I can't do, Dad. Yon guy might really know what he's doing. Yeah, he probably has skills. But he does have like hot piss breath for sure. For sure. The whole time he's on top of you, you're just thinking, this is a urinal. But I'll be like, I don't kiss on the mouth. It's like it's not for me.

It's not my thing. He'll be like, that's cool. It's fine. We'll do whatever you want. No, he won't. He'll like make deep eye contact and go, you know, kissing on the mouth actually is an exchange of oxytocin and psychic energies. Imagine how my.

That guy talks during sex. He's probably correcting you the whole time. Right, you don't do anything right. Yeah, yeah. And if you tell him, like, slow down, he's like, no. You know the Yano Mommy people of Southern Amazon the way they used to fuck. They didn't call it doggy style.

It was ghost style. It's always fast. But the dad is a virgin. That guy's too virginal. This guy's just like a straight-up. You don't think this is a virgin? You see sex when you see this guy? But he's a weird alone guy.

Yeah. And he's down. It's going to be over quick. down and it's over fast. Dad will be like, let's watch cartoons and eat lollipops. He's like, I don't want to do this. And he finds out you do stand up and then he just

starts doing a shit. Do you want to hear some jokes? No, I don't want that. What's a good name for a hot dog? He's back. What's a good name for a hamburger? Patty. Y'all have a great day.

Take care. It seems unfair because he's just buying, you know, he's just taking these up the internet. Yeah, I don't even thinking of them. That's not the only part I don't like. It's not fair. Yeah.

I don't like anything. I like it. It's terrible. Thank you. You guys should have him on. No. I dare you. No. Please don't dare us.

I'd rather die. You'll have to do it. I want the piss shaman. Oh, you totally should. I would love to meet him. I mean, and to be honest, that guy definitely goes to Burning Man. There's like literally going. There's no way he doesn't.

This guy would be nice. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. He would just be sweet. But that pissed shaman guy, that's a special. He'd be like, you guys been spewing so much nonsense. So glad you brought a shaman here to teach you. Yeah.

Okay. Oh, is this one. I was thinking of doing. Tom, I know you like being with a skullet. Wow, that is cool. All the girls are doing this. You like. I mean, that is...

It's cool. It's kind of... I don't know why a Hitler comes to mind. Oh. It feels very Hitler. The way that it just kind of... A reverse Hitler? Yeah, the reverse Hitler.

Do you think there's drugs or mental illness involved? Oh, I'm going to go mental illness. I think it's a combo. Yeah. I think anytime you see something like this, there's an amphetamine somewhere. Somewhere. Sure. Every time you hear about something horrifying, it's always meth.

Yeah. And this haircut is pretty horrifying. I kind of like it. I don't know. You would do it. You kind of like this. The punker in me, there's something I like about it. Yeah, maybe because I'm into this middle part now, I'm feeling her vibes.

No, why don't we just make it a little bigger? There's plenty of room. I didn't say for me. She's young and beautiful. She can do this. It is off center. The problem is this is permanent, too. You have to shave the whole head in order for anything good to happen.

Yeah, it's got to grow in. it's going to be an awkward grow. She should write it out for advertising. This actually has an interesting story that I know. Yeah. So the guy driving that car that hit that person was the dean of students at a private school in Tennessee. And he was caught for doing this.

And they found that he had tried to do it to another cyclist. Oh, he did it on purpose. He did it on purpose. And his story is fantastic. when he was questioned and you can find the audio. He goes, I was driving. I thought somebody threw a bike at the car. Through a bike is a quote.

So he goes, I thought, he was like, I was just driving and they just threw a bike and they're like, we have it on camera. Like, nobody threw a bike at your car. You hit a cyclist. And he's lucky that he was let go from the job. It was like a really nice private school. Like, you know, like a pre-colle, you know what I mean? Yeah, college prep thing. college prep school and he was the dean of students.

Wow. That's crazy. How do you get there? Get that angry? I know how. It's like falling down. Yeah, because you're dealing with annoying parents. You're dealing with administration.

You have to pretend to be this normal guy. And this is your only release. And you have that contagious hatred of cycles. There doesn't work. And he's in the middle of the road. He's like, dude, no one's going to fucking. He was out. He was out like, if I find one, it's not hugging the land.

I'm taking him out. Yeah, you want to feel alive a little bit. Yeah. Life starts to feel meaningless. All you ever do is, like, yell at parents and impotent. You're not applying yourself in math, Jimmy. Yeah. It's a justifiable crime, too, because you could be like, I don't know. He was in the middle of the row.

What am I supposed to do? Or also, I mean, his version, yeah, they threw a bike. I was driving in the, a bike landed on my windshield. Bicyclists do that, though, sometimes. So hide in bushes and toss like a thousand-dollar bikes that cars going by, just to kind of what they do is ignore the rules of the road completely. I will say that. Sure.

But you shouldn't, you shouldn't. You probably shouldn't run them over. I mean, there he goes. There he goes. He kind of timed it well. He just kind of nicked the bike. How was this on, oh, the guy behind him had a camera? Looks like that the source video here.

I don't know how it's. Yeah, who's videoing this thing? Another cyclist maybe? I don't know. I don't know. Cool? Yeah. Anyway, it's pretty cool.

Well, that's your whole folder today. That's it. That's so much. Tax you the book? Yeah, of course. It's a really cool art. It's a really cool cover. Yeah, it looks kind of like a zine, which I think is like,

it's very much a kind of love letter to what happened in the 90s. I mean, the stand-up, not so much, but a lot of it is, it feels like of a time. And I love that it looks like a zine that you could have gotten at that time. Great blurbs, by the way.

Oh, that's a big thing getting your blurbs. It's so humiliating, isn't it? It is. It was horrible. Just like a homeless guy. Just like, please, can you spare? Just spare a blurb. But, yeah, there's a lot of really cool people. And there's great variety to them.

Yes. I'll go ahead. I'll do it for you. You got Dax. Shepard. Yes. Nick Kroll. Oh. The chain smokers.

Okay. Nathan Englender, the Pulitzer Puyalli's finalist, best-selling author of what we talk about when we talk about Anne Frank. Wow. Nile DeMarco, the author of Deaf Utopia. Do you know who that is? No. He's like America's got America's top model, Deaf, Def Model.

He's like a hunk. Like a mega-hunk. That's awesome. And then you got John Mullaney. Yeah. Very good. Heavy hitters, Mosha. Very good.

Listen, this book is like. I put so much of my sort of soul into this thing. Like I'm super proud of it. And I went all in with sort of every aspect of it. But it's like it is the six pieces of my life that kind of make me who I am. And I really am super proud of it. I wish it didn't have a Jewish chapter, but I'm proud of you. No, I'm upset about that too.

Listen, next book I do. It's going to be one scene and one scene only and it's come collecting and piss play. There you go. Yeah. That's going to be the wild. I can't wait for that. Make sure you get it. out now, subculture vulture, Mosherkashir's second book. Congratulations, man. Thank you. Thanks for

to see you. And I'm glad that finally your Piss journey will begin. It begins today. It begins right now. It starts now. Thanks guys. Bye. Let's take two books that have been much discussed. The first one is called All Boys Art Boy. and got new on his knee He'd to slide into him from behind He'd turn over while he sent a condom on himself This was my ass