Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - You're Fired! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 696

Episode Date: February 22, 2023

Sponsors:-Go to https://Saatva.com/theshit to get $200 off ANY mattress of your choice.Unfortunately, Christina P is no longer with us, but Matt Fulchiron joins Tom Segura in her place. Matt and Tom discuss marriage and religion, share some of their wildest stories about confrontations, discuss the time Matt worked for Tom, as well as the time that Matt accidentally hooked up with a prostitute. They watch videos of a heated confrontation between a grown man and some teenagers, a freakout in an appliance store, Elton John going off on one of his audio techs, a “sissy” Cool Guy, and an update from Erie weatherman David Wolter.https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://christinaponline.com/tour-dateshttps://store.ymhstudios.com/https://www.reddit.com/r/yourmomshousepodcast

You know God is Yeah, he controls the weather Jesus can you imagine? No, I can't I've never experienced anything like that in my life Right, right. Freedies get on the ground and like two cops have guns pointed at me. It's Baltimore PD. Why is this motherfucking laughing? What did I say that's so fucking funny? Welcome, welcome to your mom's house This episode of your mom's house is brought to you by satva. I am thinking about mixing it up maybe trying a new

Satva myself, so I might meet you in the checkout line when you go to satva satva.com Slash the shit where you get $200 off any mattress of your choice. I like trying all their products I'm serious been doing it for over a decade, and I've never slept better. I love it. I love the luxury firm mattress I might go back to a loom and leaf. I might be put it on rotation loom and leaf is their memory foam line And it's not what you think I always thought memory foam was just something that you just kind of sink into and is super soft It like molds to your body. It's incredible. I can't recommend their stuff enough

Environmentally friendly great customer supports mattress takeaway service, which I think is incredible. Go to satva satva.com The shit get $200 off any mattress of your choice Welcome to the hardest hitting news Podcasts on the internet real interest rates go up. We're gonna explore all the places your money should be maybe muni bonds What's going on in the Ukraine? Welcome to your mom's house You may have noticed that my usual co-host is no longer

Here she decided to play chicken with a semi and she lost Let's take a moment of silence The show must go on so sitting in permanently for Christina P is my good buddy the full charge Matt Fulshon. Thanks for coming. Welcome to your charges house You can check out Matt's podcast the power of how Everywhere that you can listen to a podcast. That's true. Thanks for coming buddy. My pleasure. How? How is it in your New York, right? I'm in New York. Yeah, how's New York City right now?

It's pretty good cold. It's pretty cold. Yeah, and Just living that two bedroom apartment life newly wedded newly wedded up wedded up, you know congratulations a lot of people think 48 is too young to get married. Mm-hmm, but you're like fuck that. Yeah, I'm taking the chance. I'm glad I'm happy for you I've met your your lovely Wife now. Yes a number of times. Oh, they're asking you to pull that a little bit closer to you your mic. Oh, yeah, sure And well, you know, I've met other ladies with Matt Fulshon over the years Yeah, some of your girlfriends, but you I think you you picked the right one man. Yeah, I did. Yeah

She's a total sweetheart. Yeah, totally got my back. Mm-hmm. That's important. Totally in love with me I'm in love with her. I wake up in the morning and sometimes she's staring at me really Jesus and then when I wake up she goes jackpot like she won the lottery. Wow. Yeah, Jesus. Can you imagine? No, I can't I've never experienced anything like that in my life. Right I'm starting to think so my truck wasn't involved By semi truck I meant two by four now Jesus man, that's wild. That's really that's like super super lovely of you guys. Yeah We got we got married twice now twice. So and it was very controversial

Why I got married twice because The the family her family is very Catholic nice and then also I guess we didn't want to Subject everybody to that as well. We also had a wedding in Santa Barbara Where you didn't subject people to that. It's a Catholicism. I remember I was highly subjected to it. I was a I got married in 1971 but I Remember that you know, my parents my parents both part were hard while my dad's gone But they're very Catholic. Yeah Catholic. My mom still is

Still like goes to mass during the week in addition to Sunday mass like that kind of thing Yeah, praise the rosary all the time, right? and we had we were got got married at a you know a Beach Location, so I was like Just casually. I mean, I'm I was much younger. Yeah, I was like, I think we're gonna do a beach wedding, right? And my mom was like what? I was like, yeah, there's beautiful beach there. Yeah, we're gonna get married on the beach. Yeah, and she goes you have to be

Joking I'm like, I am not actually And then my dad pulled me aside. He's like buddy Yeah, you can't do that, right? Really he goes please. I think he was like saying please for him I that's exactly what it is because he's gonna have to hear about it every day Yeah, and then every day after and probably day of to so I was like Alright, and you know, I found like though. There's like what that happened to be one Catholic church. I mean the only one on this island like yeah any any like and then you know did it there And I was like cool didn't want to but thank you

But yours was probably more involved. Well, it was very involved. Were you raised Catholic? I was raised Catholic and I was very Catholic growing up and Got out of it kind of late compared to a lot of people. I think I was very into it. I was very I Wasn't like excited to go to church. Yeah, but it was in my thoughts all the time Yeah, me too and I actually thought there was someone listening to my thoughts Jesus God was watching and and to the point where like I was told I went to Catholic school same So you're learning math science history religion. So it just seems like also fact, yeah, you know and so I

Remember around I think it was after I got laid When I was 18 I had to justify that I'm not I was like well, I guess I'm going to hell for eternity Oh, yeah, and then I slowly Kind of just drifted apart from it. You you talked to other Catholics Yeah, and they start introducing you to loopholes sure like well, you know I can't remember what it was, but there's always technicalities if you're a Catholic There's always like well Jesus knew Mary Magdalene and blah blah blah I forget exactly what it was

But I slowly and then I stopped going to church and the next thing I knew I could listen to slayer with no regret Well, there's this other major loophole with priests and young boys where they actually just move them to another parish, right? You start you start learning all that stuff You start learning that they're like the pro-life movement. Yeah, which I'm not cool with a lot of people like oh, it's the that's their opinion it's like no, they're the ones pushing all this shit and You know raising people to think like this You know the one that fucking threw me for a loop so hard was learn like you talk to any teacher Biologist like rational adult and they're like your masturbation is part of like light like right, you know

When you be hit puberty it's something you're gonna do Yeah, and then in the Catholic Church, you're supposed to go to can you're supposed to say it in confession Yeah, you'd be in confession with like some strange guy and be like I am and that I think the the actual like the old-school Catholic term is that I was impure with myself, right? That's a nice way that to a some guy who's like how many times You're just talking to a man in a closet in the dark, you know, and he can actually see you through that Yeah, that Opie One time for real. It did kind of traumatize me. Yeah, I was pretty sure he was getting off on it. No

Yeah, oh, dude. Yeah, it really threw me. Yeah. No, that's that's that's too much Especially for a kid. Luckily you had a wall between you not everybody gets that I remember being there I was on my knees, you know cuz you're yeah, and I remember just hearing the way he was speaking and like breathing and everything and as I'm doing it, I just remember like You know when you know something's wrong. Yes, I just like I was like What and then and then he's just you know, it gives you your 10-hour fathers and I I remember walking out of there like what the fuck that's not supposed to go like that like Did you tell anybody but you cuz you didn't really know what happened exactly? I mean, I wasn't like a I wasn't like eight

I was a teen. Yeah, but I was still in you know in the Like church like right and I just remember I did say something of course. It was like Dismissed as like are you probably yeah, you were hearing something as it is people are not willing to Go deal with that because it ruins their their faith that they're heavily invested it. Yeah, yeah, you know and that's that's part of the reason I didn't want to get married Catholic because I felt like everybody You know, they if someone like me who's not Catholic and doesn't really like where the Catholic Church is gone is willing to cave in and go along just to say the words and just to be up there

Then I'm like who's gonna stand up for the victims and it got really ironic because Like that's why they killed Jesus because he wouldn't just say the words. He wouldn't just say No, I'm not the son of God. They're like dude. We're giving you a chance. We're not gonna crucify you if you just say you're not the son of the God, he's like, no, I'm the son of God Yeah, you know and it got down to that thing just like just saying the words and They they my my in-laws were working on me as soon as I showed up So my father-in-law who's no longer with us I went to visit him in the hospital and we're talking chat and it's the first time I ever met him

And he goes so Kristen tells me you're Catholic, right? And I looked at him like what what me? No, no, no, what? Like I had like a real reaction to it and he starts telling me You are gonna want to start getting into Catholicism. You're gonna want to start to become a Catholic And I was like All right, I just went along at that point. You're talking to a guy in the hospital I just like I just like that's that's fine for as far as this conversation is concerned. Sure All right, you're suggesting that it might help me

Who am I to say that, you know, it could help me? Who knows? And then when we're getting married It's all of a sudden and and Her family they're they're from Louisiana. They're very much involved In all of each other's lives, which I'm not used to like my parents don't even know my middle name You know what I mean? Like like they're just not It's like I got to come to them and start the conversation about something before they're allowed to Comment on my life, right? But so I told

My sisters-in-law's That I was gonna propose to my wife. This is in February of 2020 right before the pandemic I'm like, I'm gonna propose to my wife Or my fiance or my girlfriend at the time and they're like cool Um Here's the instructions. It was almost like it was like we're gonna fly to new york and we're gonna be there for the after party and That's not enough time. I told him I was gonna do it in a week and they're like, that's not enough time

We need to plan A week and we need to be there and so on a day when My wife my wife is expecting a proposal. It was like the anniversary of our first date Yeah, we go out and we have the special night of the first date And no proposal and you know, she's just kind of thinking like what what's going on What is this because it was the time and they even asked me to wait and I go I go I go hold on a second I'm like, I got her birthday coming up I got her our first date anniversary coming up and I got a vacation coming up and there's no way I'm doing that

Without a proposal. Yeah, all those things. So it's gonna happen and I actually bumped up The the the proposal date So that they could make it out and um The only reason I bring that up is because now it's like, okay Now it's time to start talking to father joe and I'm like Oh, shit

Like I'm really gonna have to To do this. Yeah, I'm gonna have to go talk To this priest and work it because I'm familiar with this They told us about this like you have to talk to a priest before you can get married Yeah, and I start like really freaking out. Sure. I'm like, I gotta go talk to this priest I I've got it in my head that like I I hate The catholic institution sure and I don't know how I'm gonna do this I don't know how I'm gonna stand up there and do this and I'm really freaking out the upside of it is

It got me into therapy Which I desperately needed to get into because it because it is a thing like are you gonna be that asshole? That says to the family No, I'm not doing this, but I'm still getting married. See you at Christmas. Yeah, you know, like can you really pull that off? And I came to the conclusion that no Yeah, I couldn't pull that off But I still so do you feel like though that what you do or what you've done and then continue to just go through the motions Just to keep people

No, I had to Go to this therapist first And he really just kind of talked me into it. I don't remember what he said, but I remember I was like, all right I'm willing to do this and then we went and met with this guy and he's We had to watch this video

And it was honestly like a bunch of priests. There was one video where the priest was going. Hey, I mean only like 10 of the catholic, you know, the priest of molested children like what's the big deal? I was like, yeah, I was basically like get over it. Like just kind of get over it. I'm like, yeah, okay But like you guys aren't the guys To say that like like we have to sure come up with that And then there was this questionnaire I was feeling like particularly rebellious that day and it was like, do you watch pornography? Yes

Dude, is there anything on the homosexuality? No, how often do you watch pornography every day? You know, like I was just like I was just on a tear like almost passive aggressively like yeah, yeah Let me get married in the catholic church now. Will you pray about anything? No, like like and that's probably a lie I'll probably pray sure at certain points. So I went and I did it and it was it was actually great because When this this wasn't being pitched as our real wedding, right? This was kind of Pleased the family particularly my mother-in-law and then we'll have the big celebration in santa barba with another ceremony

But I actually enjoyed it more than I thought I would because I was like That that moment where you become legal That is like the big moment sure for me And so I got through that and it was and it was like very joyous and I loved signing my name on whatever the hell I signed my name on and And the only thing I didn't like is the priest was like do you promise to raise your children Catholic? And I was like Yes, like full knowing that there's no way even if my wife raises the kids. Yeah, I'm still gonna be like hey This isn't necessarily true like they don't know this for a fact. It might help you through life

But but like this is just like a philosophy. It's not like science. Yeah, you know, it's far from science. Yes. Yes. Yes And I asked my son I was like do you uh I just I didn't nobody's you know, what he thinks yet. So I go hey, um Do you know goddess? He goes He goes, yeah And I go, who is he? He goes he controls the weather And I was like It's a good answer

That is so funny dude because I asked my dad who who sent during this whole fiasco He called me he goes. Yeah, I don't believe in 90% of it. He goes. I just go there for my peace and quiet And I'm like, oh dude, you could have told me this, you know, isn't that great when they could have told you? Yeah, yeah, yeah Because and then it all makes sense and that I had a similar question. I asked him I go hey when it's raining. Is that just like god holding his hands out like this and my dad goes I don't know You know, like he had like no answer. Yeah, that was like a clue right then and there But like he didn't like really help me. So all the all the shit I have with Catholicism was not what I learned from my parents

It was the Catholic school. Sure that really like bugged me out Yeah, made me a little nutty. Yeah made me too. I mean, it just um, it kind of instilled that anxiety and fear that, you know A lot of things that are I mean, I look a lot of it's like I think Sexually related right that they're like yes a lot of it. There's a lot of like shame and and and Like things become you get repressed and and you get you get a guilt complex over Not even like I mean sexual acts, but just the the normal things that are happening Biologically inside of you. Yes, I kind of go like

I'm bad. I'm bad. I'm having these thoughts. I just looked at a girl and I got excited I'm a bad person, you know And and they told me like even thinking about it is a sin. Yes And it's like what the fuck have you ever tried to not think about something? Yeah. Yeah, all you can see is a pair of tits Yeah, yeah, you know and I didn't even I didn't even this is a huge your mom's house exclusive Okay, I didn't even jerk off until I was like 18 not a once not a once I actually had like wet dreams to get it out really because I was like that scared that scared of it That's wild. Yeah, and then they really got to you. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and I thought like

It was weird. It was a weird thing. I thought like only gay people jerked off Which was a sin and then but I also think there weren't even really gay people Yeah, like I thought it was just something you called your friends when you're making fun of them Tier one masturbator. Oh, yeah, I was jerking off Right so young. Yeah, and I also wanted comfort one time and I just walked up and I I had done it in the shower and I don't know. I just wanted to be told that's normal or whatever so I go up to my dad and I'm trying to say it, you know, but I I'm too scared to say it directly right in pure so I go, um

Um, I still remember I go I was in the shower and I was uh, you know, I was like washing myself And he's like, yeah, and I go and then I you know, I was washing like My private area And then like all this stuff came out and I'm just like, you know, I'm saying it like a kid so that he'll And he goes uh Next time don't wash there so long And use conditioner and then he just kind of washed away

I was like I was like, oh, so I I did do something. Yeah, right, right, right, right, right. It's so it's so strange And I also asked them I go did you ever have you ever did you ever masturbate and he goes one time? When I was 16 and I was like seriously Yeah, I mean, obviously I get that he's trying to be like I don't know don't do that But it would have been cool to be like, yeah, it's a normal thing that healthy teenagers I think in my generation it's like Santa Claus. Yeah, it's like we're gonna bullshit you until you figure it out

Yeah, yeah, you know because we and I don't blame him for not feeling comfortable. I I don't either I mean, I he could you know, all he should have done is been like don't You know, don't do it outside while you're looking at a girl at the park Yeah, like, you know, don't do it at the mall. Yeah, um, and your room is fine And I'm just thinking it'd be so it's so weird for him to find out that you're gonna end up making a lot of money talking about it Yeah And he's he didn't want to talk about it at all. Maybe that's why I talk about it so much All right, we we didn't even do our opening clips. I want to play for you. Um, so here we go

Um, I guess we'll play is this guy catholic? Have some fucking respect get the fuck out of my car, bro. I have respect for people's cars Get the fuck out of here. You need to have respect for people. No, you can't be doing this shit You can't be fucking blocking traffic and smoking weed while people are trying to go shopping, bro We're not smoking really parked really parked sitting there, bro. Get the fuck out of here What are you gonna do if I don't bro? You're like, what are you gonna do if I don't out of here dog? What am I gonna do? I want to start this shit get out of here What am I gonna do to you get out of here? What are you gonna do to me? Yeah, get off and bro get the fuck out of here

You look like my father. I love you get out of here dog. I'm glad Get out of your fucking pupils are as big as your eyeballs, dude Are you fucking dog? You guys need to go sober up. Hey, you need to be respectful. No, let's be cool, bro. No Who is randy don't bring anyone loving to this Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura and Christina Um

Um Wild that's a real confrontation there. I'd say definitely catholic catholic. Yeah felt catholic Sassy kid though sassy kid. I mean Guy is really aggressive. Obviously leaning into someone's car is some wild shit Like I don't care who it is and what age they are that is a it's a bull You don't know what's gonna happen to you if you put your face in someone's car Well, I mean, let's start with the kid could just drive off Oh, so many bad things could happen

He could also be leaning into like the car of a kid who fucking I don't know is like He's a it goes to boxing class every day or something You know, you could just you know, you could be a kid with a gun. It could be anything. You're just you're just nuts There's two of them. Let's start with that. They're in a car at least two There might be someone else in the back, you know, like Yeah, I just couldn't handle a confrontation that long I know it's I'm like if I if I even said hey, you gotta move your car I'll be talking about it the rest of the day

man, and I'll be would be up the um It's a real you can tell who like what a smart ass to remember like when you just So amazed at what a smart ass you or one of your friends can be at that age to say, you know, you look like my father I love you That is like It's it's actually brazen, you know, like because you don't know if what that is is like it's it's really condescending Yeah to say to like now to a grown man and you don't know From the kid's point if that's what makes him just like launch into the car, you know, you don't understand adults as a kid

Yeah, you really you don't understand how much fucking Trauma and just vietnam flashbacks are in the back of that head. You don't know the relationship that man has with his father And like when you say that shit, yeah The whole thing is just so exciting And I also think like everybody's on adrenaline and everyone's saying weird things like that you look like my father I love you. Yeah, that's like a weird thing to say and then when he says what am I gonna do to you Yeah, that's a weird thing because he's actually so amped up. He actually Wanted to say what are you gonna do to me, right?

But it's it's his adrenaline and the and the the emotions of the moment that actually flip that on him, you know Yeah, he's like 200 over 120. Yeah blood pressure while it's going while he's going buck wild He didn't look like he has a good diet to begin with this guy. No, he really just kind of looks like me Guy's a mess But then the balls on the kids even though they have all that going for them To like talk that much shit and they're they're in a fuck position because he's telling them to move the car, right? He's telling them you're blocking traffic like you're you can't be sitting here smoking weed blocking traffic That's what I heard here. Here's like the the

Have some fucking respect. Get the fuck out of my car, bro. I have respect for people's cars Get the fuck out of here. You need to have respect for people. No, you can't be doing this shit You can't be fucking blocking traffic and smoking weed while people are trying to go shopping, bro yeah, so I it's like He's saying that and the kids like we parked here. I mean he's out. They're out. They're probably obstructing I don't know cars in some way. So the kids in a bad position because like He in order to avoid the confrontation. He's got to drive away

But he doesn't want to drive away because he wants to win the fucking fight. Yeah, and he's like thinking he's just gonna wait it out Yeah, it's he that he's in a bad position. I I always noticed too that like Young people as soon as they get in a fight, they get like really street. Yeah You know what I mean? It's like they're imitating something they saw on television. Oh, for sure. You know, he's calling them dog and shit Like he's like get out of here dog. Yeah That kid don't talk like that at home now. Fuck. No, please pass the potatoes. Thank you. Yeah, there's no Did you ever get into like confrontations and like as a high school kid with a grown-up? Um, I know I had a really smart mouth

Yeah, and I would find myself of course you did in confrontations with teachers And and I think and and things snapping in my head. I'm like, I can't believe I ever said that one time it blew up in my face when I was 14 Uh, there was I was in homeroom and there was like morning announcements and this brother He was actually a catholic brother. Uh, what do you call a monk? And he was like you're like a deacon or something like that. I don't even know my education was shit, uh, apparently but but uh He did the end of the announcement

He's like does anyone else have any announcements to make and this pretty girl goes ask him why his shirt is untucked And I'm like, yeah, I have an announcement. Why is your shirt untucked? And everyone's like Because we weren't allowed to wear our shirts untucked But it was really just his pocket hanging out of his sweater and he goes my shirt is tucked in It's a pocket and he walked up to me in front of the whole class And grabbed me right here by the by my neck. Yeah, and he was like He's like, you're a lot. He goes, can you prove that in a court of law?

What and he was like, what are we gonna do with you? And he bitched me out for like two minutes Holding me by my neck Like this and this back in the day when you didn't go mom. Yeah, the teacher did this You'd be like, I hope the I hope my mom doesn't find out about this I hope the mom doesn't my mom doesn't find out that I said some smart shit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you know That's intense. That is very intense. You just made me fucking my blood boil. It was like full metal jacket Fuck the catholic years Yeah, that's super aggressive. Yeah

Yeah, that actually doesn't feel like something from when you were a kid That feels like something that from like when our parents were exactly. Yeah, so but I didn't really equate that I was just like, I'm an asshole. I'm a smart mouth. This is specific to me and it was I didn't see that anywhere else The next four years. Yeah, that was specific to me at that moment. Yeah, that I humiliated that guy. That's that's why he did it I mean humiliation can make people do right exactly crazy things. Yeah Yeah, I mean I remember I got so much detention In fifth grade at a catholic school For my mouth. Yes, like I always always had a comment and they were like no recess

And one time I remember it was like somebody like we were in this class and I had made a comment people laughed made another comment and she was like, I don't want to hear another word out of you and I was like, all right, and then somebody People were like doing presentation stuff, you know, we're 10 years old. So somebody Said something about their grandmother. I think Uh, they showed a photo of her just like her sweet grandmother. I go. She's definitely dead, right?

And and she was like no recess again, and it was like it was like the 20th time. Yeah I was like god damn it. I just keep getting you know stuff like but that is like kind of playful stuff This is like this and what you described is way more Confrontational and way more on it feels like both those things are on the verge of or in your case actually is violence That is violence to grab your your face like that um The one that I remember the most it was so I mean, it's so infuriating this one to me, which was

there was a house party and I was in high school And I was at the party and it was in um, you know, I don't know some kids house that was like the that the street was on this level and then The lawn goes up from the street. Yeah, and then the house sat up here. Okay. It was like a The house was like on a bit of a hill. I don't want to say like a big hill but like the where the lawn was elevated from the street and so I had walked down from the house and stood at a car

And I was standing there with a girl and somebody from the house threw a bottle That like flipped over and over and landed and almost hit a car that was driving. Yeah Well, the guy got out of the car and could not

Get it out of his head That I didn't do that. Right. So he's like you fucking threw a bottle. Yeah, I was like, no And I'm a big kid by the way at this point. I'm like 18. What are you looking like? What are you weigh in? Um, I'm like my height 250 pounds and like, you know, like I mean I'm act like I'm playing football like an active kid, but I'm not like Whatever, I'm not flexing. I'm like respectful. I go I did not throw that bottle. Yeah, and he go and he doesn't buy it And he's like you out of your fucking mind doing that I go I didn't throw that bottle that bottle came from up there and he just won't buy it

so There's like a kid who lives I think the kid who actually is that it lives at the house Comes down And he's like telling this kid he goes this guy threw the bottle at my and I go I did not throw the bottle at his car And then the kid Starts telling me like he's like dude, and I go I'll fuck you up If you think that I did that to him, right? That bottle came from your fucking house

I don't know who threw it, but I'm standing here minding my own business and this thing just like kept Oh my god And so like they're apologizing. He's telling me to apologize. I go. I'm not fucking apologizing for shit I didn't do a fucking thing. Yeah, and it just kept Escalating escalating to the point where I actually feel like the end of this confrontation is wiped from my memory I don't remember really. I don't know if I murdered the guy Or or like what ended up happening. This is like an origin story for you Yeah, but I it's it is one of those things where you go like

There was like there was no There was no out for like he just couldn't accept That the person that he saw first. Yeah couldn't be the guy and um Yeah, I just remember how how infuriating it was. He's like this guy. He needs you to be the guy He needs me to be the guy needs you to be the guy so he can set his sights on you So he has a fucking villain in his life. Yeah, because this is nighttime, right? Because this guy had a shit day. Yeah, and now he's coming after you And you don't feel bad about it because you're big enough to defend yourself. No, and he also was a small guy

Oh my god Yeah, but he was like, you know, I'm a kid right and you know, and he's a grown like he's a man And he's just like just giving me like the wildest Like speech, you know, and I'm just like, dude, you can say this as much as you want It's never gonna happen. Like I didn't what you think I think I'm just standing here throwing bottles There's a party up there. Yeah, that's where it came from. Yeah There's something similar not exactly the same but one time when I was first starting to make films I lived in baltimore and I was doing a scene. I was an actor and I had a gun pointed

This is in downtown baltimore and I have a gun pointed at my friend And you just hear it's like, all right action and I'm like, give me the money. Give me the money and then you just hear Freeze get on the ground and he look over and like two cops have guns pointed at me with the fucking doors open And they're like drop the weapon and I dropped the gun get on the ground and I got on the ground No into a I did everything they told me just because I'd seen cops so many times I was just like and then they approached us like super super emotional Yeah, like I didn't think cops would be that fucking emotional. Yeah, um, and uh, it's baltimore You think they went through this every day. Yeah, and they find the gun and they're going. Oh, it's a fake gun

It's a fake. It was almost like they were fake cops. Sure. Like they're like that movie. Let's be cops. Yeah They're like, oh, we have to shoot somebody. They're like, oh, it's a fake gun. Oh We we won the lot the light skin lottery that day You know what I mean, uh, because they called it in they're like, yeah, they're shooting a movie on Down at fells point blah blah blah. All right, go ahead. Then we got to keep filming. That's even and yeah Do you know that a completely different but very similar thing happened to me in college? I'm in hickory, north carolina, which is The opposite end of the spectrum of baltimore, maryland, right

It's small town the foothills of the appalach mountains. It's about 45 minutes north of charlotte I'm working As I'm in school in part time at granger, you know, like what's granger the industrial supply Like people go on the need. I need a fucking this type of bolt And guys in the warehouse there Have A lot of them have molt like this is like, you know, I'm working there part time as a college student Two of the guys are brothers. Okay. Um, not only black brothers, but actual blood brothers, right? One of them is a fireman

Uh-huh on like s is other job. Okay. And the other one is a policeman Wow, so they play each other in basketball Shit that sounds racist. My bad. Yeah. So that's just the first thing my head goes to apologies. Apologies. Apologies So everybody in the warehouse like we have The best I don't know just like the best working relationship just like fun. These are all good guys like really Um, like salt of the earth great guys. We all we're all like super friendly We even do like some social things together and I'm a college kid, right? These guys are older than me, but

They're just great guys. So I keep telling Uh, the police got the guy. I'm like, I want to shoot this thing And I want him to be in it And he's like, he's like, yeah, man. Yeah, and I tell him that I want to shoot it Uh, after hours at this bank that's off the main Highway and I tell him what the scene is and he's like, yeah, and whatever you just tell me when so I I picked this like

I think saturday night, right? I mean I check with this dude a month out Three weeks out two weeks out one week out. I know he's like i'm not working saturdays Blah blah blah the day before And then it's like yep, and then the day of i'm like we're going to shoot tonight. Yeah, guess what he does doesn't answer Okay, doesn't answer Doesn't yeah tax doesn't whatever doesn't so i'm like god damn it, man So I keep calm. I'm like hounding him. I'm so like what the fuck

I don't put together that either doesn't want to do it or he's like with a girl and you know He's just but instead of telling me i'm not going to do it. He just doesn't answer. Yeah, that's standard amateur actor shit It's just and it's the move and it's like what you do and you're I don't know and you're 20s or something You're just like i'm just not going to answer this thing that I don't want to do So we go to the bank after hours To shoot this scene And we have fake guns

And we're not in the bank right we're at the with a drive through atm. Sure, which is at the bank and we're having like Confrontational stuff like that and the guy pulls out the gun and like the same kind of thing as you right Here's the difference between baltimore pd and uh hickory north carolina pd This car a police car pulls up and the guy rolls down his window and he's like what are you guys doing? I Go we're just shooting this video. He's like

Is that a real gun? We're like no, it's a prop. Yeah, he's like are you supposed to be here? And I was like, I don't know. I talked to you know, tony, you know him. He's like All right, and they just rolled up the window and he drove away Like I was like, all right. I guess we'll keep shooting. I love how he just takes your word for it. He completely took my word for it Now this is salt. This isn't cocaine. Yeah. No. No. This is uh We're supposed to be here. Yeah, all right. You guys take it easy. Yeah, roll up his window and drove away You know, the internet is a disgusting place. Yeah, but it's taught us to be more cautious

Yeah, because I always just thought the cops would know my intentions. Yeah, yeah You know, they do not they don't know your intentions. They have to go on by what they see and also They can get into it pretty quickly whether it looks like something or not Yeah, you know based on the internet footage I've seen speaking of confrontations I haven't seen this but they gave me a uh like a freak out here that I have not seen. Okay, so let's uh, let's take a peek Is that person have a walker? Okay, this is awesome. So so that person did that That looks like it with with their walker. So if you're listening this appears to be a woman. Is that a woman?

I think I was gonna ask the same thing. I think yeah, they have on like a big jacket a hoodie a hat But yeah, I mean, I believe this is a woman with a walker Like like or one of the wheelie ones, you know that like kind of Has like hand breaks that helps you that assists you to walk And it looks like we're in like kind of like a best buy type of store This is a Medium moderate by your store. What furniture store. Oh, okay. Well, there's a lot of like I thought I see like tvs or something

There's something appliances and stuff. Maybe there's a like, you know, those paintings or like frame stuff for for sale But the lighting isn't helping the environment But the camera pans down and it looks like this person has destroyed everything that was on the counter like monitors Paperwork phone like it has completely destroyed it and is um Well, it's pretty confrontational. Oh my god. I mean, I wish I had seen her lean through the fucking window of the car with the kids You little cunts. Yeah Especially since there's wheels on that walker, I'd just be kind of cool to see what happens if she's like

Hey, uh, what are you doing in my car? Oh my god Whoa Wow to hurry Whoa, I mean for sure this person can get real jail time for The soul Oh I mean and like nearly elderly right

Maybe not elderly I think we I mean Taking all kinds of shit and throwing it. By the way, is there anything better being an employee? You're just getting paid like 750 an hour. I know someone's trash in your place and you just sit back and go Yeah, I'll call no emotion whatsoever. He's like, you know, keep going wear yourself out Yeah, what would be the biggest rush of my life would be to be in the store right now because I would just be dialed in You've identified as this person before though, haven't you? Oh, yeah Yeah

I will say that I um I actually went to a uh cell phone establishment today And uh, I went into it with like I'm mentally preparing myself to have One of the three worst experiences of my life. Yeah, and uh, wasn't that bad at all? That's great I got I really got lucky. I find life is like that. Yeah, if you just accept Yeah, you're a the worst case won't be so bad and b it's probably not going to be worst case No, it was like beautiful that the guy worked with was super nice the person that worked like their co-worker was nice They were super helpful

They're what they weren't like. No, you need to like call other people guys Always associate those types of visits with like man. This is gonna be fucking just The worst right you're about to go on a scavenger hunt. Yeah of people you have to call Yeah, it actually went I think this keeps going by the way. Wow Now you gotta magically a fucking dumb fucking cunt Oh, there's like washers and dryers. Oh, that's a big fuck here Oh Wow

He's a loose cannon I talked to you but there's no point She's a loose ak-47 Because You're fucking cunt You are a fucking cunt just like you are a fucking cunt You guys don't deserve a woman at all Because yeah, thanks. You're lucky. You have a woman because you guys are both dumb cunts

Fuck you Because you don't you don't do nothing for her because you too fast to do anything for her god damn You can't please a fucking woman if you tried and you might be married, but that doesn't mean you're a good dad Um, first of all people in london are like, yeah, I think you should don't think you should say the c word so much. Yeah, yeah, yeah And like this must be a small town. They all know shit about each other Like doesn't she say he's married with children? I think she just assumed like she saw he had a wedding band She's putting it together, but I mean, I don't know it doesn't party you to just wish that the big guy We just pick her up and throttle her and just I don't know just

It would be a nice ending. It'd be fun to see or see police come in and they just take a baton out and they're just like Wow Cracker knee Jesus christ, it would be nice. You can't have everything in this world. No, this is nice enough god damn that was wild man Yeah And then she's just gonna go about her day like go home and make a cup of noodles I think the police will be outside. I wish there's like, you know, we had that part where they're like, are you Right, yeah, and then her story is he was a dick

That's why you just trashed the store and the sad thing is looks like she's the only customer like it does Well, I think most of them probably went running out of there. Yeah, that's um, man, I wish there was more to this Ha ha ha ha I gotta know I gotta know here's another conference. This is a different type of confrontation But one that I really really enjoy Elton John All right, we'll just start this again Oh I'm just talking to my mother the guy can you get the balance right between the piano and everything else for fuck's sake?

You know what I only I The best thing about this I only know this now after touring Yes, much is that in the world of touring you either are somebody that has um, local Local help in other words you show up to a city and they're like here are the guys doing things for you today or If you're a major act as you Elton John is you bring Your whole crew with you to every show, right? So he is talking to somebody that he knows very well

Like this is not a guy who's just like there trying to get it done This is fucking Gary, you know, and he's like you fucking idiot. Fuck I'm Elton John We go over this all the time you're getting paid far too much And you don't know what he loses his shit as he should yeah, it's great as he should There's nothing more frustrating and I'm gonna take the bully side on this one. Yeah, that's great There's nothing more frustrating than when you're trying to do something he's trying to put on stage and people are like Kind of working against you in a way. He just did a concert or a tour that grossed over 300 million dollars

That's wonderful. Isn't that crazy? I mean he's been in the game a long time. He's got a million hit songs I was thinking it's cool when somebody who Is like in their 70s is still that type of draw. I think that's right. It's amazing Yeah, and his hair just keeps getting better and better better and better. Yeah, and he's probably sassier and sassier Every fucking time he does a show. I love it. I love his clothes. I love Elton John I don't listen to him, but I love his I love his style. Oh, yeah, and when it comes on the radio, I ain't changing it No, of course, man. It's the hits the guy's amazing. He's absolutely amazing You know, I was thinking back to because I have known you for

20 years basically, I mean I moved to LA in 2002 I started doing stand-up later that year. Yeah, and I was you know meeting people like you Christina sickler all with like all within 12 months of that. I met you guys. Yeah, and I got to see Tom Segura go up right after he started Yeah, and dude, you already had it. No, you already had jokes. You already knew how to get the laugh Yeah, I was I was impressed. I was like, oh my god because I have been doing it since 98 Yeah, and I was like fuck this guy just picks it up I said that to myself really whether you want to hear it or not. Well, thanks. I um, I mean it's so nerve-wracking

When you think back to you can still feel the nerves. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We're trying to do that, but um I mean, I um, you know, we work together even at one point. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I worked for you So I I remember going to a 4th of July barbecue. Yeah, and you were like, hey man I can get you that job. I can get you a job. I heard you looking for a job Sickler probably told you he must have. Yeah, he probably did and I was like awesome Because I had gone through this and Christina's even involved in this story too. Yeah weirdly enough because I gone through this whole thing It was my first show business disappointment. I was pitching a sitcom. I had castle rock behind me We were going to major places like abc family

And fox and pitching this sitcom and I had got it in my head that I was going to be this big sitcom star and then um, and they were like, but don't quit your job Don't quit your job But they wouldn't send me on the road or anything. They were just like taking a chance on me But not investing that much. Yeah, and so as soon as I didn't get the sitcom I was still stuck at this job. Then Christina gave me a job Doing one project working for a cartoon company That she uh, was working with and I paid a thousand dollars

And I go, you know what? I'm quitting my job. I'm going to write something so good That I'm going to get hired there. Yeah, and they didn't like it at all. I thought it was the shit I thought it was so great. Of course. I had what it was about Warren Buffett I had Warren Buffett like three 360 dunking a basketball in slow motion. Yeah, and then it said air buffet That was just like one part of it. I thought I feel like this is it. I thought I was killing it And um, you know, I didn't get that job either So now I'm just rolling with it like trying to find a job Trying to find a job trying to find a job and you gave me a job

And but I was also joined a band like I'm turning 30 Like because I had I had played it all by the book Like I had a job while I was trying to make it and I took care of all my responsibilities And I felt like I saw people who were just idiots And degenerates and practically homeless Succeeding and it was very abstract idea. So I just like leaned into everything alcohol Fucking not getting paid the whole like like I was like I was like I decided I was gonna be a loser

Yeah, and I joined a band. That's part of it. I played bass. That's part of it. No offense to the bass players But you know, that's a pretty easy pretty easy gig. I'm not I'm not yelling at the sound guy I'm just like just happy to be here. Can you even hear me? and Since I was a comedian. So what we were doing was what I was doing you were already up You already had a higher position in the company and it was a reality show And we would log videotapes of a reality show And make notes. So it's tedious. So the editors, right? It's called

Transcribing or logging. Yeah, and it was a ripoff of the apprentice. That's right Where you find out the guy wasn't actually a millionaire, which is kind of yeah It was called my big fat obnoxious box. There you go. Yeah, that's right Then and what he's saying that by the way is when you shoot reality shows cameras run 24 7 and so those tapes come into the production house Right and the reason they need to be logged and transcribed is so that the story team can manufacture it can piece together a story Right, right. So you have but you have to transcribe every single thing

Even expressions so that that could be manipulated too so that if they go we want, you know, tom to look You know upset at this beat Yeah, you know when I go like then they go tom was upset at this timecode Yeah, and that's logged or and then if I go, I don't know man I don't want to go there and I'm talking about for lunch. Yeah, you know, they can use I don't want to go there to mean on The date with the girl, you know, it's like so you you log absolutely everything and it takes a team of people to do that Who are doing it? Day and night it is actually running. It's a 24 7 operation right and so

I'm also like I kept asking for things. I didn't think I was gonna get yeah because deep down somewhere I didn't want to go back to work. Of course. So I'm like, well, I'm in a band Yeah, we're getting good enough to start playing shows. Yeah And I'm also a comedian and so I have to do that at night So how about I work from like midnight to like 9 a.m. And you're like, I don't know man. Let me check and you came back. You're like, yeah They're cool with it and I was like, oh, wow. Oh, well, I'm going to England though Uh for vacation my cousin's getting married. Can I have off for a week? It was only like a two-month job

And you're like, I don't know dude. Let me check. You're like, yeah, you got it Like fuck guess I'm going to work, right? So I started logging these tapes and it's really not that bad. Yeah I'm just fucking exhausted because my rookie mind thought that if I just slept during the day and worked at night Everything would be cool. But what I didn't realize is like working nights You can't really sleep during the day you can try but it's very difficult so bad for your body and so I was just going a little nuts And um, I remember I I really liked this girl at the time and I asked her out

And she was like, yeah, well, I'm going to comic-con but when we come back Let's let's like go out and I was like awesome. Um, because you know people with their comic-con they go for like a week or something And it was my 30th birthday. I remember getting a car accident on the way to work Still made it to work Worked at night woke up in the morning. Then I had a birthday party at a bar And I'm drinking drinking drinking and my roommate shows up with that girl And I find out that like he's hooking up with her And they're like together now and I'm so fucking pissed off

Um, I go it was also my birthday So my cousin happened to be in town and she took me out to dinner that night before I went into work At the video of logging thing and we're drinking and everything because I'm just stupid at this time And I think alcohol doesn't affect me at all. Yeah, like I'm irish. What's the big deal? I'll drink and then I'll go into work for nine hours overnight And I'm telling her about that and she's my cousin. So of course she's taking My side on everything and she's getting me all worked up Like this dude fucking cheated you, you know, he's a dick blah blah blah and I'm all

Pissed off Drunk I go into work and then at like 4 30 in the morning. I just go Fuck this. I'm not doing this job anymore And Obviously nobody's there. Yeah, so I just fire off this email to you That's like, hey man. I don't it wasn't even much better than that. Yeah, it was like, hey, man. I'm not doing this I don't want to just job anymore And I fucking I walked out and I it was awesome. It was like it was like Santa Monica Boulevard

I just walked out. Nobody was out there. I went to my car one of the only places that was legal to park I got in there and I drove home at like 4 30 in the morning And then the fucked up part was I got home and I couldn't sleep. Yeah, so I should have just stayed at the job and then I went on I was like, but I still called up and was like, yo, let me get that paycheck And I walked in there with no shame. Yeah at all

and I I was like, hey, oh, Tom. What's up? What about that paycheck? And you're like, yeah, cool. Cool. Cool. Yeah Oh, let's talk to you outside for a second. You know, and you lit up a cigarette. Yeah And you were like, hey, but you're you're you're like always so mature and I'm like just getting mature like in the past seven years and You light up your cigarette and you go I really don't think it was cool the way you quit how you just like

Set off the email and just left, you know, you really left me hanging And I was like, yeah, and I think I probably tried to explain it or something And then we both just kind of it was like really like awkward silence and silence and then we just looked at each other and I just go And you started laughing too And like and then like that was just it in my mind You knew what I was laughing at. I was laughing at How could I put us in this situation? Okay? Yeah, how can I like fucking do this? This is a terrible situation. I've put us in isn't this fucked up

But I know you you're looking at me like Why is this motherfucker laughing? What did I say? It's so fucking funny Do I have to trash my own workplace now? you know it It took me like a little bit at a time and actually took me I was talking to ryan sickler about it to where he was like Yeah, like tom actually think that's kind of fucked up and I was like, oh fuck it is fucked up

Yeah, and then I knew it was fucked up and then we started like working together as comedians and stuff And then you start you thank you From the bottom of my heart. You saw me at my worst employee moment. By the way You actually have taken me on the road Probably for the past 10 years now And I can't thank you enough for taking a chance on me and how much different am I as a comedian? Like how much earlier do I show up? And stick around and do my time to a tee, you know, I have forgotten so many of those details

until you told the story and then they started to Like flash back to me like right now. I was like, oh my god Like like right you literally lit the memory back up. Yeah, and I do remember That I don't know when exactly Sometime after You came in and and got your check and that whole thing like like a while after that. Yeah, you actually I do remember you going Hey, I want to apologize to you. Oh for you. Yeah, you came up to me. You're like, I handled that time really It might have been like it might have been like a

A year or two later. It was much it was much longer than yeah Yeah, it was much longer than that. It was like it was a quite a while later I you're like, I really want to apologize for how I did that and I was like, oh, yeah, totally It's okay. Um, it was one of those things where I was so embarrassed about it. Sure that I didn't even want to bring it Up to apologize. Yes, you know, because I didn't really see you for a while after that And then we started running into each other. Yeah gigs and stuff. Yeah. Yeah. No, but we've done countless gigs together now I mean like so many gigs. Yeah. Yeah. It's always so fun. Yeah, and yeah, you are a different Uh type of person on the road than you were it's different when you care about your job

Yeah, you clearly can't give a shit about yeah stand up. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I would hire you as a stand up I would never hire you as a logarithm. Yeah, you guys are safe. You guys are all safe Yeah, we've had a lot of good times though. Yeah, no shit this past tour was man You were on the um, well one of the first dates because I remember we I remember we did Hampton beach Um, which was that we did uh, we did a southern tour, which is very interesting. Oh, yeah Yeah, yeah, but I remember we did Hampton beach in august of 21, which is the first. Oh, yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes That was the first month of the tour that might have been like the actual one of the first official first date And that was glorious and we played the next night. We played that casino. I think it's mohegan sun

Okay, and we're backstage. It's just like 5000 people in the audience. We're behind the curtain And you're with the mic and you're like, dude, can you believe? Yeah, we used to do we still open mics together And I was just far away from going you believe I used to log tapes for you When I kept my fucking mouth shut because you don't want any negativity walking in on that stage No, and that was so fun. Yeah, and we did a bunch of gigs on this tour. That was fucking Yeah, that was great. That was great. We did the baltimore gig where somebody pissed on somebody from the upper tier It's one of the most to the bottom tier. Yeah, I'm sure you've talked about that. I have talked about this I've talked I've told that story. Yeah, I know I've told this I told on rogan

I forget if I told I think I told it here. I probably told it on two bears the one part of it that I Like it's instead of like doing the whole story again Basically an audience member pissed on another audience member to defend me In your honor my honor because the guy in front the guy getting pissed on had heckled and the guy in the bag was like I'm not having that so he pissed on him in baltimore um The best part of that was that

I didn't know that happened till after the show. Yeah, and there was a lot It was not as casual a story as this. It was chaos right because you know as somebody does that Things really do like somebody pissing on somebody at a theater is a is a pretty big deal You know, it's not it's not a metallica concert It's a comedy show. So it's like it's pretty it's pretty wild. Yeah, and uh What I remember was that you know, I'm hearing the story from and multiple people are telling it and they're like This is what happened this and then there's there's staff

Of that then there they had gotten police involved because that's considered like an assault Like it was a whole it was a whole thing and one of the the guys who did security for the whole tour um named marcus When when we were getting the full story he goes Tom, I gotta tell you something man I go what he goes I've been in the concert Insecurity business for over 30 years. I've done it for Madonna Michael Jackson

Like I've done it for you know, like Lady Gaga like like just like the biggest and then he's like stadiums And he's like I've seen shit on your tour. I've never seen in my life The mom heads are crazy. Yeah, I was like, yeah, he was like I've never seen some shit like that in my entire life And he told a wu-tang. Yeah He's got the best wu-tang story. I can't tell it. I have to like I have to get him to tell it. It is the fucking Best wu-tang story. It's crazy that your wu-tang story isn't the craziest story. You know about wu-tang. It's his story His story is trumps everything. Yeah. Yeah, it's fucking amazing. Yeah um back in like so after our logging uh

Job I call it a fiasco fiasco. Yeah, uh, and then we start doing gigs and you know, we're social We see each other at but not only out doing gigs, but you know around la and like, you know, he's always like what's up and going on Will you tell the story? It's one of my favorite Dating stories. Yeah ever of you know, well, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I do and and it's weird because it's at that time It is that I walked out of the job Because like I told you I'm like I'm gonna go crazy now. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and Uh, it started out innocent enough um

I'm just realizing the scope of the story. It's yeah Uh I I I did a show at the comedy store. It was oh my god. I remember the bird. I remember the date really? I remember the date. It was august 23rd. It's one of my favorite singers birthdays. Wow Because who's birthday it's a guy named julie and castle blankus. He sings for the strokes. Okay, so I'm And it's part of the story like I do a show at the comedy store And on the way out this pretty girl is like, hey, you were so great Like thanks and I walked out and I got in the car

And the radio said it was his birthday and I'm like I'm obviously single at this time in my life The way I'm behaving and I'm like, you know what man? You need to go back to that patio and you need to talk to this girl I went back. I got her number I asked her out and uh Or I asked for a phone number. Yeah, I got the phone number. I asked her out And then while I had her on the phone or she had me on the phone

She like basically interviewed me for like a half an hour 40 minutes Which is asking me all these questions questions questions to the point where I was getting annoyed But we set up the date at the beginning of the conversation. So I like I guess I'm going on this. Yeah this date So I take her to the Dresden And because I'm in the movie swingers. Yeah, and um I'm drinking she's not it's on vermont, right? Or is that yeah? Yeah. Yeah, it's on vermont. Yeah, and and she and I parked my car someplace where I knew I could walk home because I knew I was gonna drink because I'm a nervous guy

yeah, and um And we had a good time and then she's like, well, hey, let me drive you home And we walk out and she's got this huge van She said she's in a band, right? And we're driving around and she parks it like nowhere near my apartment and we just start making out And she goes hey, but it's you know, you know silver like everything's illegal every parking spot's illegal. Sure. She goes hey If you find a place to park I'll fuck you

And I was so drunk I had so much drunk in swagger back in the day I'm like, I think there's a spot right over there. Yeah, yeah, like I was so cool about it because you got to be cool about it and um And we got in the back of the van and she was like, do you have No, I go do you have a condom? She's like, of course and she just like whips it out whips it on so quickly and We have sex in the van and then she drives me home and she goes

Thanks for all the sex or something like that. And I was like, wow, this is what a what a wild night. Yeah You know, I put that against anything in my life. What a wild night and then of course i'm calling her again Well, this is so dumb. I don't know why I did this. I'm like, well, let's like go to this It was like kind of like an open mic at the fucking brown derby again This whole story takes place on the set of swingers. Yeah the movie from 1997 and I'm doing this this open mic there or maybe it's a book show Brogner's there cananes there and I brought her there again. That's like a rookie move to bring a girl to an open mic Yeah, yeah, yeah, that can go but anyway, but she was actually really cool. She's like, I'm gonna sit here

I'm gonna let you do your thing. She wasn't trying to like get my attention doing the whole thing But part of the time when we were waiting we were hanging out outside and she goes, yeah, I was just in france And I was like, what were you doing in france? She's like, I was working. I was like, oh, what do you do for a living? And she points at her shirt, which I didn't notice and it says hooker Really She's like, yeah, and I'm like sweating bullets Yeah, you're like, you know because even though I've decided to be a degenerate to be a loser Banging a prostitute was not on the fucking list. Sure

There was a little pride. I got a pro bono. Yeah, but That's what I loved about this story when you told me is you're like this hooker was like I tossed you. I like you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah through your freebie. Yeah, and it wasn't even like first one's free It was like second one's free too. Yeah. Yeah You and me are something else Those other guys they pay right. Yeah, it's funny that I was still nervous going up to do the comedy because god damn it Yeah, how fucking cool am I? Yeah. Yeah, my in-laws are listening to this going not very not very cool um

And then I was I was you know, I was I was scared sure but I was still on a date And really didn't know how to with a prostitute. I really at that time in my life. Yeah yesterday with a prostitute and I took her to open mic You know what I mean? Oh, yeah, it's like this woman gets flown to France. Yeah and We went back Uh, I I didn't know how to be like I'm a little uncomfortable So I just like went through with it. And then there's also the other half of you that was like

Yeah, I mean this makes it even More fun in a way in a way. It's also like terrifying. Sure. The fact that she's all all about condoms is fantastic. That's good. That's good. Yeah and then um It's like You know, uh business as usual We we we fool around and this is also at a time when I didn't even like change my sheets for like a year and a half Like I was I was I was crazy like I didn't think I was crazy. Yeah, but I was crazy. Yeah, and um Then then you know, she left she never spent the night

I never put that together. Yeah Uh She said it because she needed her uh bipolar medication. I was like She said you find out the details like in conversation. There's no like I have a confession And I was simultaneously scared and I kept calling her Because like it was it was just kind of fun and I was I was lonely too and um

And then casually in another part of conversation. I found out That she had been on Oh my god, this is so crazy to say because like then people are gonna be able to look up and see who it was We can believe it. Oh, okay. Cool. She was on And her name was And she was like a regular personality on there. Really? Yeah, you learn this later I learned this the second night. She casually was like, oh, you listen. She's like, I'm actually on that all the time and Like that was weird too. That's a that's a shift

You have to know It's not as weird as it is nowadays because people weren't on the internet back then right like they are now Right. So like I didn't go look her up. I didn't know to what extent I just kept listening And I only heard her once more When you say that like she was in France that to me Like I don't know the my first thought is that this feels like a very high-end type, you know Hook right like she's she doesn't come off as like a high-end escort

That's what I'm imagining like, you know, I mean when you say she was in France It feels like this is the first this is before the model of podcasting and touring Was go on a radio show Then go be yourself when you're on the road. I got you You don't have to assume that Strip mall fucking comedian thing. How did you was that it was that last time that was it? but honestly not because of

She did she was the one was like, yeah good enough Like I've had I've had I've got work to do young man. Yeah. Yeah, you know and um Were you close in age? I think we were close in age. I think we're about the same age. Okay. I I I think I looked her up two months ago when I was on tour with you and I told Your one of your tour managers about it and he was like blown away. Really? He was like blown away. He was like, you're no way and I was like

Oh, so there's no shame in this story at all. Is she still alive? She's still alive and she's like a regular regular person So it would actually be kind of cool to like bleep her out. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, we'll take care of that. Yeah. Yeah Wow, maybe you guys, um Maybe you guys should do a podcast together. That would be awesome. That actually kind of would yeah kind of would be cool Yeah, I hope I hope you'll consider it I remember I'm listening. I'm thinking about it. I hear the story now. Obviously and it comes it's it's through a different lens Back when you first told me it. I don't like I was

almost unable to breathe Because you were like, I just like the hooker. I didn't even know it was a hooker. That's what I still work for you Yeah, I was like, wait, what? You're like, this guy's definitely walking out on her You're like I was just Afterwards, she was like, I gotta keep I got some work to do and fuck guys for money. Oh, you're like, hold on. What about me? No, you're cool It's fucking crazy. I'm clocking in. Yeah, you're clocking out. You're clocking out. Oh my god. Like that cartoon That's the fucking best

That is the best. Oh, yeah, I've lived you have definitely lived that was um That was one of my all-time favorite things. By the way, did you know as a friend of mine? You um, I'm you know, you obviously were uh, uh Well aware of how devastating I was injured. Did you know that? Two days from now I will be playing basketball again. I heard I've been listening to some episodes and you're playing a challenge somebody. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes He put out a challenge video. Do you have that?

able to get that so he um, he accepted the challenge what I told him because he said That if he played me basketball, he would destroy me. He was like, he's like, it'll be total destruction by me Yeah, and I was like, I didn't even think I didn't look him up to say like have you played college about anything Yeah, I was like, all right. Yeah, and I told him that if uh, I said if If you beat me one on one, yeah, I'll donate $50,000 to a charity right. Yeah, I heard that I've been watching So then he put this out All right, sagora, I accept your challenge. I'll come to austin. But you better bring an umbrella because I'm gonna make it ring

He sent you that he sent that he has an infinite amount of time to put together like is he trying to be funny I don't know what he's doing like to make it rain was like decent. It's a little sick on me, but it was decent He's wearing he's wearing, you know, it looks like he's off to like take the sat's against you Is that a sean kemp jersey? Isn't that kemp's number? I forget Um, but yeah, I uh, right. Is that kemp's number was kemp 40 on the sonics? and so I'm sorry. No, no, go ahead. Are you training for this? How do you feel about this? No, no I'm really just uh leaving it to chance. I told because like my instinct is just to be like, uh, yeah. Yeah, it was

Um, my instinct right away. I just reacted impulsively. Yes. Oh, dude. I was when the cameras are on there's pressure Yeah, I was like you're fucking dead and then um And then you know, this thing has like developed, you know and then I I realized the other day because basketball is one of those things where like you like like all sports like, you know You could be like, hey, you want to go bowling and I'm like, sure I'm like, I'll beat you and you're like, okay. And then I learned that you're like a six-time champ. You know, you just don't know Yeah, you don't yeah, and basketball once men are like, you know 30s 40s

You don't know if somebody was like especially right like especially like and you're like not necessarily good on defense So like he's gonna have a lot of wiggle room. Maybe I don't know. I don't know. I'm so the fun thing. It's really fun To throw out a challenge and have no idea what you're getting into. Yeah. Yeah This has become your life and like the thing is that I like in that video you go Is he sandbagging like is he pretending that you know, you could go because that's a funny thing to do It'd be like, I don't even know how to dribble. You know, I could see that like that That would be extremely clever and very funny if he's like I can't spin this and then we show up on the day of the game and he's

Dropping I I could see I could see the way he's like he's like definitely keeping the glasses on He definitely he definitely fucking up that basketball almost on purpose. Yeah, it looks like he's definitely 100 pounds lighter than me Yeah, he looks super thin with the two shirts on he doesn't feel either of them out Nope and And he's got another take in him. Yeah, so if I feel I feel like I I would I would I would like at least go shoot some some if you care Yeah, well, no, that's I I I'm um, I I think he might have some skills. Maybe I think he might be right. Yeah, yeah

Yeah, I mean I am gonna body check to shit at home That's good enough. Yeah You know like and if he starts embarrassing me, I'll break one of his ribs Good good. And then you can help him through it. You'd be like I've been through this before I'm gonna call you an ambulance You're gonna make a t-shirt out of this. It's gonna be great. Don't worry. You'll be a national weatherman in no time. I have a great pt She's amazing. I'll take care of the bill. Yeah. Yeah Fucking amen I'm interested I want to see this. Oh now I'm excited

I'm excited to know what the hell I signed up for, you know, because I really don't know Yeah, um, by the way, because you know, we're here talking about you all your Marriage or getting married. Yeah dealing with the family and the Catholicism. Sometimes it's just good to get another perspective I feel like you know, yeah, and so if you want to hear another guy's perspective Yes What's a marriage counseling back when I was married and you know, my wife just thought I was a complete asshole You know, she didn't understand like going out and having a drink with your buddies She didn't understand and I didn't want to go to bed at nine o'clock. She didn't understand that I didn't want to be under control

So, you know, I was an asshole, right? Of course. It couldn't have been her, right? So we go to counseling and she's just railing me just telling me how I'm just a no good son of a bitch across the board calling me Everything but white, right? And so I just Hesitation just said and then some then some she's like you're such an asshole I was just like and then some kept on going on and she'd rail me for another 30 seconds about how I'm this that and the other I just said, yeah, the counselor told her that I was obstinate and that counseling was futile And it wasn't gonna go anywhere and that counselor was right There you go

I mean pretty cool. I could see it not going well. Yeah. Yeah not with him That guy by the way, how dark is his hair his hair is fucking amazing and he's got another marriage in him Yeah, he does First of all his hair is is stunning. Yes, but it's also is that like that's the natural color that dude's hair Is that black? Is that wild? I don't know if it is but either way he's he's set Yeah, the beard's crazy for at least 20 years. Yeah before he even starts right to go, which you probably won't That's why the guy's so confident. He's super confident Yeah, I feel like that's a nice yard. He's smoking his stogie. He couldn't be happier

But it's not the best way to it is not the best way the best way is to put up a still photograph of yourself Yeah, if I was this guy this whole bitching about basically bitching about wives It's not gonna get you that far. I don't think no get you somebody but then you're gonna get you the right type of people Listen to the guy with the past story the right kind of people. This guy is the feel that there he puts out stuff all the time That's my guess, right? Is he put out still time? Yeah, a lot of motivational stuff. His name's Chad Peterson. Oh, oh Yeah, we're gonna motivational stuff. Uh-huh. What kind of motivation is it? Don't take shit. Just live in your best life Oh, yeah, don't take shit from your wife. That's stupid broad keeps fucking yapping in your ear. I could see that Yeah, oh, I could see him leading the fucking cause on that. Yeah

Yeah, I mean he's good at it. He's really you know, you almost believe it for a second And then you're like, no, I'm too old to think like that. Yeah, this dude. He fucking nailed it, man. Yeah, don't listen to that stupid bitch Every time I'm on here, there's one of these guys. There is. Yeah. Yeah, we try to find them. Yeah, we try hard And then sometimes we find guys like this This is the kitchen video that mrs. Madeline wants me to make I have to tell everybody in the house that I'm a sissy slut And here's my kitchen. I'm gonna have to make more of these Because she wants one in all of the different houses

She has me on this diet got me down from 50 pounds to shake me the way she wants And now I exist just to meet her wins So I'm going to be the sissy slut And that's what everybody in this house needs to know that I'm going to be a sissy slut. Oh my god Wow I can't my therapist never asked me to do that That's wild man. Like I've never seen that. It's very cool Oh

Wow, I have to learn how to suck cock and be able to Keep throwing it With a smile on my face so that she's happy And to let everybody know that I'm available for them Anyways, this is the first video By he's gonna do one of these in every room. That's what I'm understanding. He's like, here's the kitchen Up next the dining room. Oh my god. Wow

By the way, when he said I have to learn how to suck cock and deep throat it you did it pretty well if that was the first time Yeah Wow, that's all I could say is wow. Wow, dude's good at it. He does. Yeah, let's give him some compliments You actually you were really really impressive and the bra looks nice too. Yeah, I mean Listen for what it is. It's pretty good. Yeah, you're pretty good at this Um, god, that would it would just be so tough if you like knew him Or something. I don't want to put shame on this. No, I know it would be hard for me to wrap my head around You know, you're like, is that Ron? Yeah

It's like he's into it. It's just the the fucking internet is a dangerous place It's dangerous. It's just up there because this guy has a different reputation with so many people Yeah, he's the boss somewhere somebody There's there's like a a decent probability That somebody just watched this right now and just went. Oh my god That's you know

There's there's somebody there's an employee. There's an a family member. My 401k is with this Yeah Like they're just like, oh fuck I would do a little bit no more sit-ups first but other than that He just dropped 50. So, you know, isn't anybody said like I just down 50. Yeah, he dropped 50 pounds I thought you said he was so so he's just like the weight is coming off. You know like that's I mean Here I'll say this you look great. Congratulations. Yeah Congratulations. Yeah, you look great. I I would say I don't know go to the pool this summer something like that

Yeah, show off your body at the beach do that and and also, you know, keep uh keep deep throw and you you seem to really have a A knack for it. He's gonna make friends. Yeah some in some places somebody's just gonna be like this is my guy He's gonna find love He is he's not scared to put it out there. No, he's definitely not and well it all depends if the mistress is gonna let him find love, you know Yeah, yeah Oh Jesus thank god, I never fell for that one. Oh my god. I never got I don't know this this. I mean, I understand

That this does something For somebody. Yes, I'm just like oh man Like the idea of doing this would never do something for me You know, it's hard enough to do it even like the I'm saying like forget the dick part But yeah, the dildo. I'm just saying that like somebody my mistress said to stand here and and Yeah, my bra and pan like fuck man. I feel like that's a thrill to him. I know Yeah, I know I I've always like As you get older as you find out more shit you get more open-minded to what people are into

Absolutely, but this one I can't wrap my head around. Yeah, that one is just I don't know. Uh, man Yeah, sure Look at his question And it's it's not something you could even try like oh, I'm gonna try this Nadav wants to know what weird things make you come Oh regular regular boring ass shit. Yeah The the three hits but like you're gonna share the darkest thing that like that you like No, no, that's my business. Of course, even though it's so vanilla and so boring. It's still my fucking business. Of course

Of course, what about you Nadav? Yeah I mean the weirdest stuff sure There was one time where I I accidentally stumbled upon a video of just like really tall women doing crazy shit Dudes they found in the woods. Yeah, that was pretty cool. That was the weirdest come I ever had Is it pitched as they naturally find them in the woods? Could be what is it like we really found these guys in the woods or is it like play active? No, it was play active when there's like we're a lost tribe type shit amazon shit. Yeah

That's interesting though. I like that. I like tall women. I think they're actually super attractive. Yeah. Yeah That's not that crazy. That's not. Yeah. All right. Tom. You go. Yeah amazon women in the forest pretty good Pretty good. Not the real answer but pretty good. Yeah I'm trying to think of the weirdest thing. I don't know. I mean Well, you're no need to ask that's not weird, but that's like that's the extra mile that what eat ass That's not on everybody's menu. That's true. Yeah, that's true But It's not it's also not that crazy. It's not that crazy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and it used to be crazy, right?

Right. I think now it's like completely I think the youth today is like, isn't that what you do when you meet a girl? That's that's what sucks for me. I'm at the age where like I was so brave because I I did cunnilingus. Yeah. Yeah, and then as soon as I was brave enough to do that, they were like, oh, no the thing now is Eating the ass. Yeah, and I'm like, but I trained it's like I trained somewhere else It's like you started a video duplication business And then live streaming takes off. Yeah. Yeah, I just bought the fucking builder. I'm just I just signed a lease. I know, you know Yeah

Yeah Eating ass is you know, it's pretty exciting. Yeah Yeah You've you've all you've always credited it to like This will secure a second date or a third date or whatever I don't you know the thing is I want to be clear that like I did not eat everyone's ass Okay, I went out with that. It's insane. Right to me. It was always a thing Well, I did do it very young. Yeah, and um, I don't know why I did it

But I did it and then then it was something you only did To somebody that you were trying to express that you're so Turned on by and you're so down for whatever. Yeah. Yeah, but like I could sleep with someone who I'd be like I'm definitely not doing that right to them. You know, I mean like because at the end of the day And not even out of the shower if I don't find them like Right that you know, I mean, yeah that attract like you have to be I have to be really attracted To do that. That was that was the thing. Well good for you. I think it worked out for you. Yeah. Yeah I'm not I'm not just doing that to some fucking, you know, right

Because we know somebody who openly is like, yeah first thing no matter what. Yeah That's my move. That's my opening move. You're crazy. You're a fucking crazy person. You know, I'm talking about That doesn't it doesn't matter. I can tell you afterwards, but we know him and we've known him for years decades. Yeah Really? Yeah, say it. We'll believe it and and for now. I'm saying a name forgive me if I'm a little off But I'm under the impression Like that's my shit. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you're right But see there's something special There's something about it that's no longer special if that's your I think if that's your opening move

Yeah, you kind of want it. Yeah, you want to reserve some things for like, right? I sat down on a podcast one time It was like red man triply And three other young women and they're all talking about like you have to eat ass or you're a fucking loser And I pretty much just got up and walked out like like I got I'm not going to argue my case Sure, so I'm just out of this conversation. I can't argue with what you guys are saying and they were all saying this Everybody was saying it. That's fine. There's a podcast. Yeah Yeah

People say so many things on a podcast. It'll never say in real life Including myself. Yeah, no, there's things I'll never say. Yeah. Yeah, that's fucking hilarious What about the rest of you guys what makes you come come on? Oh, sorry. I got I'm working on some audio stuff. Okay. Okay. I could take over for you, Ted Yeah, like normal stuff. Yeah You know, it's hard enough to get normal stuff. Wait, what would you say waterboarding? Yeah, waterboarding is pretty good. Yeah Yeah

I don't really have anywhere to go with that. I just think it's pretty dope I did ask a girl one time to really go hard on the racial slurs on me. Really? Yeah I can I don't think I've ever come harder like specific to you or just no, okay. Yeah, any. Yeah Just the list. Yeah. Yeah, that's bold. Yeah I like that a lot. Uh-huh. Yeah I've never been called anything. Oh, yeah, you got to ask for it. Yeah, I'm sure. Yeah, I'm sure you do. Yeah Um I'm trying to think of anything else. It's strange

Hmm I don't know. I don't know. Yeah I mean, you're saying like weird videos you've watched. I've watched too many videos to Yeah, I've worked. Are you being serious? Yeah, tell me Yeah, there was there was once or twice where I was I was with a lady. I was like, call me a dumb fucking Jew Wow, I gotta tell you something that works for me Like I really feel like if a woman did that to me, I would be

Really excited I get it. Yeah. Yeah, I took it to the scary place. It was a one and done thing. I'm like, I don't but you liked it No, it was very cool happen He doesn't want to come that quick again. That's hilarious Oh my god Oh Jesus, you're gonna try any of this at home. Yeah I can't wait to break the news to my wife. Hey when I get home. Yeah, just be ready. Yeah. Yeah to call me the dumbest What happened in Austin?

She wouldn't do that to you. No, she she won't even know if she wouldn't she's this type of person. We just never do that But I love you. Yeah, you know, but I'm a dumb We have to get a divorce. Yeah It's it it's written in a document why I'm breaking up with her. Oh my god Oh Jesus Um, all right. Well, look, I gotta I gotta actually get home to to pack for something all good travel. All good. Um It's uh, it's always good to see you man. Man, it's always so great. I had so much fun

Circle we've had from logging at rocket science. That was the name of the place. Yes to uh to touring multiple fucking crazy places together and now we're podcasting we we beat the pandemic. Yeah To australia and back. Yeah by like two months Like people are already talking about it when we were there. Jesus, you're right because dude, I forgot that we did that last Yeah, so we did a january 2020 and you know, it's a lot closer to asia or yeah. Yeah australia is this continent I didn't want to look stupid. Yeah, uh, but um They were talking about it because it was close

And then my dumb american mind was like, thank god. It's never coming to my my country. Yeah, and I just remember being in the international Uh terminal at lax with the entire world because you had to show your your passport Proof a little receipt that you get through customs to somebody at the door And there was only two people checking at the door and we were just in there with the entire world Yeah, like just mixing it up, dude. Just being part of it. We were bringing it back. We were part of the bringer backers Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're welcome america was over there and they were like tom matt Bring this shit back, man Yeah, shut down comedy. Holy shit. Yeah, what a fucking yeah crazy. Yeah

All right, man Don't forget check out the power of how the power of how it's it's about trying to find a way to think positive Which obviously if I've had to do you really over all these stories and everything Uh, you know, it's still fun. We still bitch about shit. Yeah, and we're still vulgar idiots But then we go, well, how can we look at this positively? I like that. I think I think people will like it. That's a nice That's a nice take on things. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Good to see you man. Love you. See you. Love you. See you guys Next week. All right To do

It's That made you feel bad. Yep, not the fucking that's my people is where the spit comes out of mark No, that doesn't freak you out this this Dance for you You