Your Stupid Opinions - A Generic Looking Soccer Hero, The Walking Office Dead, Worst Rated Water Park

Episode Date: July 20, 2026

More of the funniest reviews on the internet! We read reviews for the personal museum of one the world's great soccer star, featuring what may be replica trophies, and not much else. Except for the million statues, that don't look anything like him. A federal government office, where the strategy seems to be that if they can crush your spirit enough, you'll just give up & leave. The "worst rated water park in America", where the stairs are rusty, and the diapers float free!!   Join comedians James Pietragallo & Jimmie Whisman as they explore the most opinionated part of the internet: The Reviews Section! Subscribe, and we will see you every Monday with Your Stupid Opinions!! Dont forget to rate & review!!   Go to shutupandgivememurder.com for merch & more Check out James & Jimmie's other podcasts, Small Town Murder & Crime In Sports on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts!!

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immediately and appreciate every single day. There's a showroom in your area where you can get hundred double the shades. Ready to get started, visit night and daydecore.com or call one 647-692-8602. That's night and day decor.com. Hello, everybody. Welcome back to your stupid opinions. Hey. Hey there. Thank you so much for joining us today. My name is James Petro Gallo. I'm here with my co-host. I'm Jimmy Wiseman. And here we are, once again, to hear complaints from people we don't care about for places we probably don't want to go. So that's the best. I love it.

I love a show. We do small town murder, which is, it's consequential. There's murders and it affects people's lives and it's horrible. This is some asshole having a bad day at the trampoline center. You know what I mean? It changes nothing. It really doesn't matter. It's not too much.

Nobody's dead or anything. So that's what's so fun about it. So we like to have a good time and stretch out. any information you'd like about the show or merchandise, of course, head over to shut up and give me murder.com. Also listen to our other two shows, crime, in sports, and small town murder, which are exactly what they sound like, except very funny also. So that said, we're going back to Massachusetts here to Cambridge,

back to the Shell Station to finish up there. There was a last time when we left off, there was people afraid to pump their gas because some creepy guy would just stand three feet from them and stare at them all they did it, Not wanting to pump the gas for them, just wanting to stare at them. So let's find out what else is going on here. Aresis, one star. Okay.

Caution. Three exclamation points. Yeah. So they must be, there must be, you know, a gang of ninjas or something that comes out to kill you if you pull into the parking lot. It's got to be bad. Do not get car inspection here. Oh, yeah. Caution.

My car is new, and guy came back telling me my light didn't work. Really? B.S. B.S. They insisted I pay in cash. That's always a bad sign. Yeah, that's right. That's a bad sign. That's a red flag for sure. Were you inside of a business or was this in an alley somewhere? That's the other question I have for you. Where were you? Cash only. Well, I'm leaving. Wow. And they charged me $45 instead of $35 for the so-called blight. Just spoke to my neighbor and she too went there. They did the same thing. I will report to better business. This is a shady. place. Yeah, BBB gives a fuck. They're going to forget it.

They'll close that place tomorrow. Yeah, they don't care at all. The states that have inspections and there's a sticker on the car and stuff, that is a very shady business. Generally, yeah. Everybody knows a guy that could get

any car with a sticker slapped on it. I mean, if you give a guy 20 bucks and you know the right guy, he'll give you a sticker. He doesn't care. Like, they don't give a shit. When it's government run, that's when it's That's when it's dead fucking serious. Yeah, you can't fuck with it then. But when it's just like you go to a gas station and they look your car over and then give you a sticker, you can give that guy 20, 30 bucks and he'll pass just about anything.

They don't give a shit. No. I have an inspection sticker on my car that has 10 times two dark a tints for New York State. There's a reason for that. You know what I mean? I just got my truck retinted because it was bubbling. And the guy that tints my truck goes, bro, you had double. layers of limo. And I was, oh, that's why I couldn't see. That's why I was blind in the car.

And it's bubbling. This all makes sense. And it was definitely illegal. Absolutely. Yeah. And that's Arizona where you can have a lot of tint. Yeah. New York, the tint laws are very light. Yeah, that's very interesting that the tint laws are, what do you guys have to have, like 50% or something? More than that. It's like. I mean, 50% light coming through? I think more than that. What? Yeah. I think more. more than that. You can only have like 35% tint? I think that's the, that's the limit.

That's crazy. Yeah, it is. It's crazy. So everyone ignores it. But everyone ignores it. It's a hundred degrees out here. In Arizona, yeah. You get a hundred degree days. Yeah. No, but it's, it's still, it's, everybody ignores it. Put it that way. I don't know. Everybody I know gets the car inspected, then they put tints on and that's that. Or they pay an extra $20. You have to. Because who, fuck you. Tell me how dark my tints can be. You can't live like that. Eat shit. Yeah. I'm a grown man. I would like a tinted window, please. Thank you. Fuck off.

I bet you could get a doctor's note saying that... You can. You can. I know driver guys that do that day. Like, drive professionally, they all have doctor's notes and they have jet black tints and nobody can fuck with them about it. Yeah. I mean, you could say that you've got a skin condition. That's all you have to do.

You know what I mean? Or your eyes. Skin or eyes. And I think we all have it. Yeah. I'm pretty sure we all have it. I know crazy foreigner guys that are like, they're like, they're like, they give me things as sensitive, sensitive skin. That's why.

I cannot drive on the thing. It's sensitive skin. And I'm like, okay, he's sensitive skin. He's like, I'm like, this guy lived through like three wars in his home country. Very sensitive skin. Like, it's all, yeah, he's like, I don't care. They left me out tint. I can't believe that that's a 35.

That's fucking absurd. It's crazy. I don't even know. It might be less than that. It's definitely very low. Wow. So Ben, one star. I tried to get gas here at 10 p.m.

I was repeatedly charged no more than five cents before the pump stopped working. my credit card company found this suspicious and prevented me from using it at the next gas station I went to. Not 24 hour, bad service, do not recommend. They have a lot of shady billing things here. Well, it sounds like the pumps are a mess too. But your credit cards, you're only allowed to use it three times at gas stations in a day. And they do that because you could use like, you get like two cars filled up. You could do it up to three cars.

But you also get cans sometimes. You know what I mean? I know tons of guys that used to steal credit cards and they'd go to the gas station and they would fill up people's cars and take half the cash for it. Fill up your car, $40 and give me $20. I'll fill up your car. And you have a fucking line of people doing it. Like, that was a good scam that we had when we were teenagers and a lot of kids did. And that's why you can't do it anymore.

That's why. When you said it, I completely understood why because I'm like, I've seen a guy fill up 50 cars on some guy's credit card before. Well, I filled up my truck and then a girl's car and then the motor home and then I went to go get a pack of cigarettes and they refused me. What are I supposed to do now? I guess he's my debit car. I'm shit out of luck now. Yeah. Uie, Uie one star.

Beware of the guy working here. I've been to this gas station over the years in the daytime. Yesterday was the first time I was there at night past 9 p.m. when it was empty. and the guy working who had been normal in the past became aggressive and belligerent. Oh, he's like a werewolf. He used to be normal. The fucking moon came out and he switched, man.

Now he tried to rip my throat out. He said my credit card didn't go through after the gas pump worked and filled up my tank. He asked if I have cash, which I didn't. Hey, look, that transaction is not my problem anymore. Fuck that. He mumbled and seemed annoyed and told me to pay with another card.

When I was checking the receipt and my credit card to make sure it was not charged, he ran back out to me, snatched the receipt from my hand and started yelling. He would not shut up about how I don't trust him. You don't trust me? No, I don't know you. Why don't I trust you?

You need to trust me. You don't trust random gas station guy? What the fuck? You don't trust the guy? You don't trust strangers? That's crazy. Who work at gas stations at 10. 10 o'clock at night.

I'm going to tell you something. Those jobs are not hard to get. They hire criminals for that shift because no one else wants to work that shift at a gas station. I trust the guy out front asking for change more than I trust the guy that works the gas station graveyard shift. Shit, yeah. Oh, my God. They don't even let you in with the normal shift people. Fuck no.

Yeah, you got to come alone at night. You make the coffee and get the fuck out of here. You put in with no one else's working. here. That's when you come in when it's a solo run here. Yelling about how I don't trust him. So weird, until I yelled at him very loudly that he's misbehaving. Mama said not too. I do anyway. That's all I picture is. You can't use the word misbehaving anymore. You just can't. And that I can check my card as I please.

He finally stopped being aggressive, but still followed me out after I paid inside, shouting, it's not him being shady, but that it's my card. Your card's shady. Maybe it's a cultural thing, too, because shouting might just be shouting and aggressive is, you know what I mean? Like, you see a lot of members of my family and go, wow, they're shouting and aggressive. When they're really not being shoddy or aggressive, they're just talking about it. Italians, Eastern Europeans in general. People who run gas stations, Middle Eastern guys, fucking.

Anybody from, you know what I'm saying, the Mediterranean region, it's a little more worked on. Anybody outside of sea to shining sea is generally an aggressive volume. Well, northern Europe, they're pretty calm up there. They don't care about anything. Yeah, if you got like some Swedish gas station guy, he's going to yell at you. He doesn't care. And Canadians. Yeah, the cold, the warm weather, your warm weather foreigners are going to get a little

aggressive and they're not aggressive. They're just being, they might be nice. Those tropical foreigners are pretty loud and aggressive. They can be, that's heat. It's heat is what it is. That's what I'd say That's what my relatives are So anyway

Why so defensive And aggressive He probably declined my card To get cash That's what I think happened Was that Never going back here For anything

I would have called the police If he didn't go back Inside and leave me alone How dare he try to intimidate me A woman at night Because no one else is around Oh And when I checked my receipt later

He had charged me a couple A couple dollars more jeesh. Jeesh is the end of that. Okay. Lucas one star. Dishonest sign says $2.99. Price is $3.39.

Completely scam. Completely scam. Completely scam. Well, you can't do that either. No. I suppose the, I'll bet the pumps change before the signs, though. Probably. If it's digital, they should all change at the same time, I would think.

Unless you've got a guy like an old-to-l-wines. Digital gas price signs, they're all over there. place those fucking... Yeah, I agree they're all over the place, but they're in cities. I think they're few. I see a lot all day. They're just letters. I guess it's numbers.

There's both numbers. So I stopped pumping right away, Lucas. Okay. Krishna, one star. This is the worst gas station I've ever been to. Terrible staff and liars. Oh. I've never been able to, I've never had to parse the...

have an interaction long enough? I've never had to parse the veracity of a gas station worker. Put it that way. I've never once been like, is he trustworthy? I've never had that long of an interaction to know trustworthiness or not. Liars. They put the wrong gas in my car and charged me more for nothing. Oh, that's nice of them.

Yes, we gave you the wrong gas, but we charged you more for it. So it's fine. It's not for nothing. It's the better gas. That's our policy. Wrong gas, more of the price than we offered. That's our, no, it's our, sir, really. It's our policy. Seriously. Don't even, it's okay.

Nobody on this planet knows for sure if they put premium in their car. You may have paid it and you may have pumped. You don't know shit. But you don't know for sure. You don't know what's in that tank. No. You have no idea. Did you sniff it first?

Yeah, that's the good stuff. Right. Taste it. Just say, put your finger in it, rub it on your guns a little bit like a 70s cop movie going, that's the good shit right there. That's right. Yeah. Our dads told us and our uncles and our grandfathers told us when we were kids

that premium is better gas. It gets you a better gas module. It'll make your car run better. It'll make your engine last longer. But we have no fucking idea if that's real. Who knows what we're getting? Please don't trust their full service and don't trust their price displayed on the screen. If there is a zero star rating, I would rate them that way.

That's not exactly what we're talking about here. Not recommended at all. Please visit other gas stations nearby. This one is terrible. Atrocious. Terrible. Andy, one star. They act like they're adding gas.

They act like they're adding gas. Takes your money and didn't add any gas at all. And when we argue, they proceed to call security. They have security. Like as if you're that big of an asshole, you need to hire security after a while. Sounds like your gas gauge is fucked, pal. Unless you put a very little amount, you put $5 and your needle didn't move. It didn't move.

That's because look at the price, pay. Or you just pulled up, paid, and they were like, okay, you're done, and didn't put shit in there. See you. See you later. Okay. And then here we go. Ivy, one star, went for an inspection on my new to me car. That that means nothing, that it's new to you.

Is it a brand new car? No. Just say new car. Just say newer car to me. I just bought a used car. It was treated like garbage when I asked questions about the inspection process. Seriously, the worst customer service. And then all caps do not support this.

business. Okay. Okay. Excellent. Hussein, one star, mediocre work, subject to a lot of anger bursts. Avoid. Maybe they make you have anger bursts or they have anger bursts toward you. Which one? Either way. Subject to. Subject to a lot of anger bursts. Okay. And then, oh, somebody said the last one will do here. Ben, one star, closed. That's all. Well, did it say it was always open? There's a picture of the place with the lights off. He just took a picture of it. See, closed? Okay.

I found it to be closed and I want to review it like that. I found it to be closed. I found it to be not open. All right, let's go somewhere less American than a shell station in Cambridge, Massachusetts. Let's head overseas to do something soccer related since the World Cup is going on here. Figured we check that out. We're going to go to the... It's almost done.

It's almost done. we're going to go to the CR7 Museum. What is that? Right next door to the CP3 Museum. It's right there. CR7. CR7 is the Cristiano Ronaldo Museum, the soccer player. Oh, yeah.

And he's number seven. I guess he's number seven, apparently. Either that or it just makes no sense. We don't know. This is a museum spotlighting the famous footballer, Cristiano Ronaldo, featuring his career and trophies, featuring his career history and trophies.

I hope they don't have that bust Did you see that? Dude, they have tons of statues And they're all weird looking In this fucking place He's not I don't know why it's so hard for them To make his face

I don't get it There is one statue in here That they show where it's got his Like shirt off on the ground Like he just like took it off In celebration And they make him look like 1980s ravishing Rick Rude

Like he is What is the fucking ripped? I mean The abs are like They're like two inches popping out. Like they're like he is the most muscular man. He looks like an action figure. It's the craziest fucking thing.

I feel so bad for him because every bust or statue I've ever seen of him? He's got like $70 billion. Like I could eat my shit. Fuck that guy. You don't feel that. Nope. Couldn't pick him out of a fucking crowd and he has more money than God. He can eat dicks.

Fuck him. Suck a dick, Rinalda. Don't care about you. But evidently his face is like a, is like one of the. those portraits that you have to stare at. It's like Mona Lisa. His eyes follow you. It's just that everybody sees something different evidently.

Weird. I've never seen a statue that looks. Like one of those 3D poster arts. You have to really look through him. Poor fucking guy. So this place says 14,000 reviews, which is a lot. Wow, he is a very famous man. Oh yeah, 4.3 stars here.

This is in Portugal, Funchild, Portuguese. Yeah. Is where this is. Okay. All right. Let's find out what people think here. Oh, wow. It's like, holy shit.

It looks like it's Christian. These are some prices. It's pretty expensive. It's at least 50 bucks it looks like to go into this joint. Wow. At least. I mean, that's pretty. And then there's like you can have.

That's steep. Guided tours or $206 and all this shit. Is this his company that owns it? His family runs this thing. Yeah. Yeah. Nell, five stars. Great Museum.

Really enjoyed the visiting. even as a Spurs fan, not San Antonio, everybody. Hot Spurs. Yes. Ronald. Yeah. Rinaldo's achievements are truly remarkable.

Whichever team he plays for, you support, whichever team or players you support. An eye opener to his fantastic career. Fee is cheaper if paying in euros. Okay, excellent. One star from Sarah, not quite as excited about this.

Not worth it at all. No? At all. He wasn't there? Nope. He didn't get personally. guide me. See, this is the one I won in 2011. These are my

shoes from eighth grade. Ooh, the museum is only one room with a bunch of trophies and a few extremely bad sculptures. See? There you go. They're all that. There is absolutely nothing about his life or about him. There's not even a description about the trophies.

Just a trophy sitting there. No like thing. This is from this year he played and, you know, he had two goals in the game. None of that shit. Just, here's a trophy. Pretty cool, huh? Unbelievable. The thing is, from what I understand, they're not even real trophies,

and this person points that out. Most of the trophies are also probably fake. These are replicas he put in here. He's probably got a trophy room in his house where he keeps the real shit, you know what I mean? Oh, yeah, that's probably. Yeah.

Literally the biggest scam on the Mereira, do yourself a favor and buy two pastel dinadas and coffee instead of the ticket for this museum. Oh, okay. Go enjoy your day. instead of coming in.

Yeah, here's one of him in a... His face looks different in every sculpture. That's the weird part. Yeah, that's... Everybody sees him differently, evidently. Or at least sculptors do. The one of him yelling, ripped, is the funniest one of all.

It's so... He's so shredded. And his neck is like veins popping out. And he's like, what? It's the weirdest fucking thing. He kicks a fucking ball. Why is he so jack? It's crazy.

He's... His upper... Dude, the thing, what are the muscles in your back here? Traps. Traps. His traps are like, they come down like, they're like wings. They're like fucking bat wings. It's crazy.

He looks like an 80s wrestler that is just on so much steroids. Like nobody looks like that. Looks like his armpits are webbed. He literally looks like, look up 1980s ravishing Rick Rood. His body is exactly that. Like they modeled it after 1988, Rick Rood. Like with the popping ass. that are like sticking out.

It's ridiculous, dude. I will admit, when he takes his shirt off after 100, yes, I will admit. He is in really great shape, but he doesn't. I hope so. He's a professional fucking athlete. He doesn't look like a body belt. It doesn't look like this.

This is crazy. He looks jacked. He is very impressive, but it's not that. It's not the part. One star from Angie. I was looking forward to learning something about CR7, but there's literally zero biograph. information about this man in the museum.

Like, if you don't know who he is going in, you won't know coming out. He must be very successful. They gave him a lot of trophies, but you have no idea for what or why. These could be for acting. We have no idea. Yeah, sure, he plays soccer, but that's what the trophies are for. It's just a trophy room in wax statues. Least informational, quote, museum I've ever visited.

Yeah. You know, when you Google pictures of him, James, and sculptures. I wonder if anybody has ever seen it. No. What's what I mean? I think he... Your best guess. He keeps masks and then the artist says, well, I need to see your face.

And he goes, okay, and he takes it off for like two seconds and puts it down. And they're like, you got that? And they're like, I guess. And they have to go by memory from that on. That's unbelievable. Kara 1 star, built by CR family, purely to house trophies, in my opinion. No history of the man. No information on where, when he was born, or raised.

even which clubs he was playing for when he got the trophies. Wow. Just a place to put them all together, Vanity Project. It's literally a place for you to pay $50 to look at replica trophy. To pay homage to this man's trophy winning abilities. The arrogance. It's hugely arrogant, hugely. That's the thing about it.

Peter one star, not great. No. Just a few photos and random minor trophies. I feel like he's just trying to cash in on his fans any way he can. You're getting it now. Bahas, one star. If you don't pay cash, then you have to pay three times more than it normally costs. Wow.

He is a fucking, this guy's a gangster. He's refusing to pay credit card fee. Jesus. Wow. It's a nice place, a nice gesture from Cristiano that he sent all his trophies and stuff there. But this rule of them, I call it nonsense. this rule of them. A ticket...

Yeah, a ticket costs you five euros when you pay in cash and 15 when you pay with card. That seems a little steep. Yeah. Yeah, these... The room, it's just a giant room with these big plexiglass cases with, like, trophies and, like, a golden shoe. Like, he had one of his shoes, you know... Bronze. Bronze.

That's in a case. A few of those shoes, he's got shit like that. It's really... That's embarrassing. He should be embarrassed. terrorist. Jesus, this trophy. This fucking statue's the worst one of all. Does Messi have a museum like this? I didn't know. Messy's better than him. I didn't know this guy had a museum like that. I have no idea. I have no clue. I don't know shit about soccer. So I have no clue. Oh, really? No, if anything comes up about soccer, I could my brain completely zones out. I couldn't care less. I just don't have any interest in it whatsoever.

Leo Messi is, he's so much better than him. I want to watch quote unquote finished soccer or finished football. Meaning he's won every award that. that there is to win. Like he, like finishing like Super Mario Brothers. Like I beat Bowser and now I'm done. Yeah. The princess is in my arms. The credits are running and that's all I got.

He won the princess and now he's reading Japanese names that are very long. That's all it is, fan. That's crazy. Wow. Not bad. I didn't know Nijahomi Nakatami was the fucking art designer for this. Amazing. I didn't know there was a person named Toyota.

That's impressive. Look at that. You learned something new every day. Mitu's one star. Only Trofe. no signatures, no explanation, no comments, no story. Nothing about Ronaldo's childhood, family, life, training, path to success, wins and losses, cars, social engagement. Cars?

Where did that come? Where did that come from? His boxers weren't even near for me to say. I didn't even see that. I wanted to get a good whiff at him. Just have them hanging up so you can touch them and whip. Was there an apple core that he used to eat? It's bronze.

It's bronzed in a plexiglass case. and he doesn't even look familiar in any sculpture. There you go. Right. Nobody has ever seen this man evidently. No. David, one star. I do not understand the hype around this museum.

It is just a large room with replica trophies. I love football, but this has nothing to do with a museum. The only interesting part were the two short videos about his youth and overall career. You can be outside again in under 10 minutes. Wow. One star for the price, five euro. is okayish, but not worth it. If you go here, go and enjoy,

oh, if you go to the city, go and enjoy the views, hikes, and food, just watch a video on Rinaldo's career. Yeah, okay. Read a book. You want all that information. It's all around. Just look at Google it.

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That's avocado green mattress.com slash y-so. Avocado green mattress. com slash y-s-o. Now back to the show. Christoph, one star. Not at all. That's the first sense. See on 7 museum.

Not at all. Not at all. That's amazing. The statue doesn't look like the man himself, at least a bit. Not as bad as the sculpture at the airport, but just looks like a different person. That's the one that's like really insults. It's because he's too generic looking. Is that what it is?

He's not specific enough? It's exactly. He's not idiosyncratic in the face enough. He's just like generic, handsomeish Spanish or whatever the fuck. He has Portuguese man. Have you been to the NFL Hall? of fame? No.

Okay. So they have the bust room of everybody that's out of them. None of them look like any of them. No. Some of them are vague. Yeah, they have to have a really distinct feature.

If you have a big giant nose or like Yogi Berra's bust looks like fucking Yogi Berra. Looks just like it. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. But like Ted Williams' bust you're like that could be Lugarig.

You know what I mean? Like they look too similar, you know? Really? Any place that's like that, the bust or the, the, country music hall of fame has like little plaques that have like their faces that are 3D coming out of them yeah it's not necessarily a bust but it's definitely a likeness of them a sculpting a sculpting

but they all it's just man and cowboy hat it's it's yeah that looks like a white man and a cowboy hat there's another white man that guy's job must be the easiest job on the plaque well he's got the hat he just puts on that's a that's like a stencil he just adds that and then the woman's one it's just woman with big hair with cowboy hat with hair coming out of the cowboy have. Put tits on the man. It's not hard. Oh, God.

The museum is basically showing his trophies and game balls he got for some of his 60 at this point in time, hat tricks. Expected more from it. Way more. Stay outside and take a walk. Went there because I am a fan, but I was really disappointed. Ten minutes by car to the east is a nice beach. There are free parking spots and you can enjoy the sea.

Wow. Go. Wow. Go get free parking and look at a beach instead. Much better than this. SGI, one star. Extremely disappointing. A heap of trophies, et cetera,

piled up carelessly in a basement. Very nice. Carelessly. Carelessly. There would be so many things you could do that would interest kids. Where and how he grew up, how he became the incredible player he is, how he is working out every day, et cetera.

Nothing of that sort. Just a basement where he puts his stuff. and seemingly thought about how to still make money with it. It's like, I have this storage building where I keep all my shit. Is there a way I can make that into just a honk in revenue stream? Just really just charge my fans over. I've got several storage boxes over at the U store it. Perhaps we could put in a kiosk at the front and start charge.

Just hire an old lady to work the cash register at the front. We're fine, right? It's fine. It's good. the one single interactive element, kind of a photo booth for a picture with Ronaldo kicking the ball, even costs five euros on top,

which is the same amount to get in. Yeah. Ah, and the horrible statues of him are legendary. There is not a single one that is at least decent. They are all horribly ugly. Wow. Statute. Yeah.

Everybody. He's not a terrible looking man, but every bust of him makes it look like he has maybe something a little wrong with him. None of them look like him. It's strange. No. They all look like he has a learning disability.

Yeah. That he wears on his face. That's something wrong with him. Honestly, I had a higher opinion of him before the visit than afterwards. He's ruining his legacy with this fucking place. I love it. I liked him until I saw a likeness of him. Now I hate him.

Now I don't like him anymore because he charges money for nothing. Save the five euro entry per person and buy the kids an ice cream or go around the harbor and enjoy the design center in front. I like how they give you. Especially if you hold a high opinion of it. Yeah. I love how they give you alternate ways to spend your day, these reviews. That's very polite of them. Everybody, it's like, here's some alternate ways to do this.

Oh, God, that's so funny. I liked that guy until I saw his face. Oh, God. That's the funny thing you ever heard. That's now. I think they charge money for a room full of trophies. Yeah, that's fun as fuck. Craig, one star.

OMG. Never been more bored in my entire life. Really? If you drool over the golden boy, he is good at football if he stays on his feet and doesn't cry when he bumps into a blade of grass. Now we're going to lecture this game. Then this place is for you. If not, then maybe you'll find more enjoyment walking barefoot around the entire island.

I understand that He's probably the Second Best and Second Most Famous Footballer today I've heard of him so he's got to be pretty fucking famous Because I've heard of like four soccer players You've heard of Messi right Yes I don't know who he is who he plays for

Where he is but I He plays for Argentina He's the best He's amazing I've heard of him I don't know I can't stress How much more amazing he is But here's the problem

Yeah I couldn't tell a difference You could take a me mediocre soccer player couldn't be a professional and show me him playing soccer, then show me messy doing it. And I go, yeah, those are two soccer players. Can't tell a fucking difference. They're both 5'10 and fucking they run a lot.

He's a tiny guy. That's what I mean. If I want to watch five foot six foreigners run around, I don't. I have no interest in that. I just don't. I don't care. If I want to watch five six men play soccer, I'll go to a high school. Yeah, I'll go to a junior high, never mind a high school.

I don't have any interest in this shit whatsoever. I can't. I get that it's the world sport and I'm wrong. Great. I don't care. I can't watch it. I get it. Okay?

I'm willing to say this is my fault. Look, I understand I'm wrong, but I'm sticking with this. I don't give a shit. I don't care. It's like a food that's really good for you. Don't give a fuck. It's gross and I'm not eating it. I don't care.

That's where I'm at with soccer. I don't give a shit. Shit is the greatest. Don't care. I understand. It's wonderful. Don't give me a bit. No interest.

I do love watching it to an extent. If that motherfucker ends one nothing, I'll stand at the tunnel to kick every one of you in the fucking nuts. Yeah. This shit better be high scoring. You know what's fun? When they break a soccer game down into a 30 second highlight package, because that's 30 seconds is all the action.

that happens in the whole game. So just show that. It's literally way too much nothing. I just go on. What I don't like about it is that that extra time part, I don't fucking understand. It's the most corrupt stupid sport ever, too, when it comes to that. It's arbitrary number that evidently,

everybody on the field and everybody in the stands knows when this shit stops. But I'm sitting here sitting here watching 12 minutes. Why is it still going? This is absurd. It makes no sense. Countdown, not up. No. It feels like when you go into a restaurant that's like all foreign people and it's like a foreign thing and you don't understand the process of how you're supposed to like order. That's what soccer feels like to me. The whole thing. I don't understand it. I don't get it. Do I pick up here and order there? Who do I ask for the thing? I don't know how to pronounce that. This is too much for me. And extra time changes based on shit that happened in the game. I don't know what happened. It moved the clock. I don't get it.

I don't get it. The game operates on daylight savings times? I don't understand. Well, the clock's changed in the middle of it in the second period. Is there periods in soccer? I don't even fucking know. See what I mean? I don't even know if there's periods.

It fell back. Is it one long game? Two halves? There you go. Two halves. Pretty sure it's two halves. Or is it three periods. Is it like hockey?

I think it's two halves. I have no fucking idea. Yeah, half time and full time. So it's like college basketball then. That's the way they do. Right. All right. Eva, one star.

Today, about two or three p.m. in the museum, I take the Ronaldo bowl from the shelf with me to go to the desk to buy the same. I'd like to buy this trophy. Rinaldo's shop seller guy came to me and take the bowl from me. I was feeling like a thief,

but on the end, we bought a bowl with signature. Rinaldo and T-shirt with signature. Please work with the horrible guy. Apparently there's shit. It's like a piece of shit. I think there's shit on the shelves like in the gift shop and she said, I'd like to buy this. and they said, you don't pick it up and bring it to us.

Don't touch it. Yeah. Like that fucking lady at the Harley shop and Seattle, it freaked out on me. Because I reached into an open thing and picked a T-shirt out. She lost her fucking mind. It's like, listen, this isn't diamonds. It's a goddamn $30 Harley-Davidson shirt. I'm getting for my dad here because he likes it from different places.

What are we talking about? Yeah. My dad will never ride here. He's never coming here. No. Right. Okay. Last or a couple more.

Clara, one star. It stinks in the building. especially in exhibition part and staff is really rude. Oh, no. There is no paying with card under 15 euros and really low budget museum. No.

And this I love to. Dave, one star. Ha, ha, ha, ha. That statue is a cracker and looks nothing like him. I don't know. That statue's a white guy or it's a cracker. Or if that's like a foreign slang for something shitty, I'm not sure.

But God damn it is that funny. Like a knee cracker or something? Something, yeah, cracker. I don't know what it is. All right. Well, let's go from something international, very international and very worldly soccer in Portugal. And let's do something extremely American and go to the Social Security Administration in Gallatin, Tennessee. What do you say, everybody?

Oh, God. Oh, it's going to be a good time here. This place is 637 Commons Drive. Gallatin, Tennessee, has a whopping 2.7 stars on Google. So doing great. They piss people off. Oh, they piss people off a lot. And a lot of that is because you have to deal with these people when someone dies.

That's a lot of the problem. So you're already worked up. And then these people are going to kick you when you're down. So we'll do some of these. And then we have what's known as, after this, we have what's known as the worst rated water park in the country. Worst rated water park. It's known as the worst, the lowest rated water park like on Google. I don't think they put that like on T-shirts.

anything. I don't think it's on their souvenir cups that you pay a extra three dollars. They're refillable souvenir cups of like a big wave and it says the worst traded water park in America. I don't think that's it. That's the freeway exit with an arrow point. Yeah, totally. Well, that's near a freeway. We'll talk about. Oh, boy. Rachel, five stars. Wow. This is probably absolutely the best. That's all caps, by the way. Social Security Administration in the U.S. Best in the U. What?

I don't know how many she's been to. Yeah. How many times have you been to the Social Security Administration office? I don't think I've ever been. Ever been there once. That's what I mean now. She's on a door. I lost my Social Security card in 2006 and I still don't have one.

Really? I was like, well, I don't need that. I got like a new one issued. They just sent it to me. Really? Yeah. Yeah. A few years back, yeah.

Oh. Yeah, they just sent it to me one. Yeah, because I didn't have a birth certificate. I had nothing. I have several birth certificates because I got my original I didn't have one I didn't have one I have my original from when my when I turned 18 my mom gave it to me she said you're going to need this and three dogs have chewed on it they really want that it's fucked up so I got a new one and then I lost that quotey fingers I misplaced it so I got a new one after no reason no need for the

quoting fingers, you couldn't find it. That means it's lost. Lost means... It was lost. I knew where it was, but I, like, wasn't telling anybody. Like, I lost my car was, quote, stolen, so I claimed it on a shirt. I would think that's what you did. I'll say lost me. I'll tell you that story another time, but I lost it. So I got another one, and then I found the other one. So now I have three. One that has three dogs shoot on it. One that is brand new, but was lost, quote, unquote, and then the brand new one that I just got. I have three of them in my safe. The other one that was lost, my ex-wife fucking hit it when I moved out in my shit.

And she put it in an envelope. And I put somebody that listens to our show wanted a picture. So I put a picture of us. I remember this. I remember this. I remember this. You sent a listener, an original fucking copy of your birth certificate. That was hilarious.

That was hilarious. This was like 2017, by the way, everybody. Yeah. This was so long ago. It was so long ago. It was so. She got it and she goes, is this like the certificate of authenticity or something? I was like, what?

For your body. It's the certificate of authenticity for a baby. That's what this is. She's like, I'll send it back to you. It took a month to get to her. It took another month to get back to me. Jesus Christ. My birth certificate is more traveled than I am.

No, sure. You've never been in Australia. Well, this person, I needed to. Update my social security card because of name change. I walked in at 909 and walked out at 920. Never been so smooth and efficient. The beautiful young lady at Window A handled my application. Okay, take it easy.

11 minutes in and out is great. I don't need to hear about the fucking scenery. 11 minutes in and out. And then there was the short amount of time I spent at the office. 11 minutes in and out of the beautiful young lady at Window A. 11 minutes. I would have sat longer. Her tits were incredible. They were great.

Heather, two stars. I guess I Journey is what they say. I Journey started off great. So I'm trying to figure out what she's going for. My journey. A journey, the journey. Who knows? Journey started off great.

But for the past three weeks, I have called and left messages with all four extensions I have and no one will answer my call. Oh. They have yet to receive any call back. and several, several messages on their phone. Part of my disability is getting out of the house. I have extreme fear of leaving or being in a car. Agoraphobia and driving.

And in a car. Holy shit. What is that fear? I don't know. Fear of fucking the modern world. That's a lot. Fear of technology. I get not wanting to leave the house, but fear of riding in a car is something.

So for me to just jump in the car and show up there would take a lot for me. Very unprofessional of them to not return weeks of phone calls. Now, to be more fair, that's a able-bodied adult that can't get out of the house or whatever. And that, you know, whatever. But they also should have these services because there's a lot of elderly people that it is very difficult for them to get out of the house. They don't have a car. They take public transportation or get a ride. So there should be better communication for those people because I assume that's who I assume goes.

here for some reason. The bummer about this place and this organization and what their mission is, is that you need a physical person. That physical body needs to exist because that's what all this shit is for, a specific person. So you have to be able to get there. If that's a thing, you got to provide transportation of some sort for these people. Something. That's hard.

Especially somebody that has a maxophobia. Yeah. That's what that's called. Jesus. An agoraphobia. Wow. They're all fucking double. up on that shit.

Yeah. She's phobia maxing. She's phobia maxing. It's a very new trend on TikTok. Rachel one star, the lady replacing my social security card literally snapped at me. You don't know what literally means. Yeah, because I have a big chunk taken out of my arm. She snapped at me.

That snapped right. Or did she like breaking half at you? Yeah, broken half. Her body split in the tip. At the hips and then just shot shit at me. I picture her splitting down the middle for some reason. Well, that's a splint. That's a snapping.

That's a snap. There's not recovering. Snap to me because she was late for her lunch break. Well, that's nice. Carolyn, one star. The lady, quote, helping me was so rude. I just lost my mother, and she was being less than compassionate and empathetic. She acted like I was inconveniencing her entire day.

Oh, boy. I couldn't even take care of everything I needed to take care of because I was scared to ask her to do anything else. Jesus, shit to come back. Carol, one star, went there to get some questions answered. What questions would you have? Well, I just have some curiosities to talk to the Social Security Administration about. What fuck are you talking about? The FAQs on the website weren't specific enough.

Yeah, what are we doing here? The lady kept... You know what's your birthday. Well, they said the lady kept telling me all questions can be answered online. Look at the FAQ. Why do we have to do this huge building with... one willing to help. Why are we paying these people?

What are we paying these people to do? I don't know. I wish I could help you there. I'm not sure. I have that question about a lot of government places. Not only government places everywhere. One star. Trying to change my last name because I got married.

I called ahead of time to see exactly what docs I needed to ensure a smooth process. The lady on the phone told me the wrong docs so my application got rejected. They want me to mail my driver's license. How am I supposed to drive without it? What the fuck are you talking about? Probably a copy is what you that you'd need, right? You fucking dummy. I don't need your actual physical driver's license.

I want an idiot. This from a man who mailed his birth certificate to us. Not a coffee, James. The fucking original. The embossed paper. That's amazing. Stay to Colorado's seal on it. That's awesome.

Oh, God. What a fucking dummy. It's fucking great. So I wasted money sending my docs through the mail and insured them. This place needs to open to the public. I think it is. If the government is forcing the rest of us to get back to work because of COVID, this office should be no different. Unreal.

This is from like 2024, though, this review. So what are you talking about? Okay. Jezebel one star. No. All right. One star. The worst.

All caps. Go elsewhere, if possible. You go to all those other Social Security Administration places. The places that give you the blue cards. Yeah. Have had to go down there twice for a name change, screwed up the first time. Stop getting married, Jezebel. Stop changing your name.

You fucking Jezebel. Yeah, you're fucking loose little Jezebel here. Getting married all over the place. And then again, waited an hour each time to fix it. Then they never sent me the corrected card with my new name. So I called the national number. who gave me the Gallatin number, they said the local office could order a new card. The local office told me no, since it had been a few weeks ago, too long, they said.

They couldn't reorder a card for me. Wow. When I was trying to explain that that was a different story than I got from the National Customer Service Rep, the rep said, quote, stop yelling at me when I wasn't even close to yelling. I wasn't even in it yet. You'll know when I'm yelling, bitch. then when I started to say, sir, I'm not yelling. I'm just trying to explain.

He hung up on me. I'm done with this. That's the way he's allowed to hang up. Yeah. There's a lot of jobs like that. Yeah. Yeah, you got to take phone calls? I'm baiting you to hang up on you.

Totally. Incredibly rude and frustrating. I called back to try to speak to a supervisor and they sent me to voicemail, not expecting a call back. Yeah, you got to go down there. Okay. One star for.

Samantha, guy couldn't get off the phone fast enough with me. Cut me off and wouldn't let me talk. Refuse to let me schedule appointment. Guess they can afford to be assholes because what can we do? Oh, God. Jordan, one star, wish I could give less than one star. That's not how you do it. I had a very close. I had a very uncooperative agent. But the wait time was very short. Still customer service overwerews. wait time any day. Also, better information on the website is highly recommended as I went all over collecting the correct info that I would have loved to have beforehand. I wasted time today. Not cool. Oh, yeah. Not totally uncool. Now I will be going to a different office on a different day when I finally have enough time again, which, to be honest, will not be soon. No, it won't. Not be soon. Oh, Jesus, this person. Okay. One star from A.m.

out of all the public contacts I've had to make recently due to the death of a loved one, Ms. Denton from the Gallatin Social Security Administration field office rates below even basic. Wow. She's not even a basic bit. Not a basic ass bitch. She exhibited no knowledge of the claim. She called, that's in all caps, me about, refused to answer my questions, refused to listen to what information I had received, remained unclear as to anything further being needed on my part,

and hung up on me. Her lack of knowledge, lack of compassion, and her demonstrated lack of even the most basic people's skills were screaming loudly throughout her contact with me. If you can't handle the job

you're being paid to do, it's time to leave and find something that's less challenging. Yeah. Then the desk at the Social Security office, good luck. I don't know what that would be.

What's less challenging? The DMV? Yeah. Angela One Star called and talked to a guy there, and he treated me like a dog getting smart with me. There should be a comma.

Treated me like a dog, comma, getting smart with me, period. There's no punctuation at all in here. So, wow. All I did was ask a simple question. I don't really think they should have people like him working there. Okay. And then finally, this guy, everybody's kind of had a lot to say this person. They're trying to really say the pros and cons to the service and things like that.

This guy takes a much more direct. basic approach to it. Paul one star. They suck balls. Three exclamation points. They suck balls. Every one of them, punk MFers. No.

Punk MFers, he writes. Punk motherfuckers, he's trying to say. Oh, that's incredible. That is all you need, really. All the other people should have went, well, I think Paul already has a covered. We don't really need to put mine in here, probably. Okay, now.

Punk motherfuckers. Pong motherfuckers. Ball sucking punk motherfuckers. It's like four old ladies working there. Yeah. That's the point of these are likely elderly people. Yes, I just picture like a 75-year-old lady. You suck balls, punk motherfuckers.

She's like, hot. What's that now? Some of an incredible peanut cookie, peanut cookie, peanut cookie recipe, and she sucks balls. Her white chocolate macad chocolate macadette. Damia nuts are crazy. They're fucking crazy of those cookies. I don't even... This bitch sucks balls. Oh, man. All right, let's get

the hell out of the Social Security Administration office. Let's get to the water park, that's where we're going. The water park. This is in Phoenix, actually. Phoenix is home to the one of the known as the worst rated water park in the country. Is that right? Is it a Sunsplash? It is not

Sunsplash. What is it? Do you know which one it is? Is it in Arizona or is it in Phoenix, It's in fucking Glendale. Oh my God. Is it near you? Is it wet and wild? It is not.

Where the fuck is it? Hurricane Harbor, Phoenix. That's wet and wild. It's now Hurricane Harbor. Okay. That's the worst water park in the country? Apparently a lot of people say that. That's where I got Gartia.

There's a lot of YouTube videos about going to the worst water park ever. So this is Hurricane Harbor, Phoenix, 4243, West Pinnacle Peak Road, Glendale. So it's up there, up northwest of Phoenix. Wow. 3.6 stars, which is terrible for a water park. That's God awful. That's not good for a water park.

That's a mediocre Chinese restaurant, not a water park. That's amazing. And that's out of 7,700 reviews. Wet and Wild, Hurricane Harbor, you've done it. Congratulations. They call it a family-friendly water park with Lazy River and more than 30 attractions. including slides and play areas.

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Everything is rusted and rotted and looks like it's going to break very soon. And concrete. This place is the hottest motherfucker you've ever been to. There is not a tree within four square miles of this place. Nothing. And it's just, we can't explain Arizona brightness to you. You can't. It's blinding.

It's inescapable. You can't. There's no like trees to make it like so it's only above you. It's from every fucking angle coming at you. You can't stop it. It comes at you from below. It's crazy. Outside, if you look at it, you'll be blind.

You're in trouble. You're blinding. Yeah, it's like looking at somebody welding. It will burn your fucking eyes out. All you did was open them. It's fucking horrible. Well, let's find out the good here with Jana, five stars. We love this location.

Really? One of my favorite parts is how kind the staff is. Justin. What? The kind that staffs. These are children. They are not kind. Who don't care.

No. only there to see chicks and bathing suits. That's why they're there. Justin, the lifeguard at the back pool, was so kind to entertain my children's curiosity as they asked him every question under the sun while still focusing on his job.

Don't distract the lifeguard. Leave him alone. They know his favorite candy, character, how old he is, etc. And I, you shouldn't let your kids bother people like that. Leave the man alone who's at work. Leave him alone. Not just that. You are

setting those children up to be groomed to be way too trusted trustworth with grown men strangers grown men with no shirt on yeah grown men strangers literally in their underwear pretty much half naked yeah and i know there's a mama somewhere who should be so proud to have raised such a gentleman most boys his age are not as patient with young children thank you justin he's a teenager now i'm worried about justin safety well yeah this lady's going to fuck Justin, I think. Okay. Another five star, we'll be fair.

Heidi, five stars. Great day. Lots of fun for the kids. Plenty of options in all age groups. Does fill up easily. So if you want shade, you need to claim first. Yeah. For the four umbrellas that this place probably has.

Well, it has those kite sale. Yeah, yeah. Shades. So it has like really taught small triangles all over the place. And there's like, I don't know, a hundred chairs. and there's 2,000 people in there, so you're not sitting. You're not, no. Enough seating and lounges mostly, okay?

What? Yeah, shade is hard to come by, but you were at a water park. Okay. Great lifeguard coverage and appeared to be doing a good job. Food options are available. No outside cooler so you can go to your car if you wish. When you go out your car in the hot parking lot, when it's 115 degrees and eat your fucking egg salad sandwich that you put in there, you idiots.

Leave a cooler in the back of your car. car where it will be a hundred and seventy degrees inside. And a bag of ice should certainly last 11 and a half minutes. That'll be fine. Who are you? My fucking grandmother, this is not a place to bring food. My grandmother, we took her to the mall. My family, she went to the mall and this was the Paradise Valley Mall when it was open to Phoenix still.

She brought fucking frat sandwiches for everybody. We're not eating egg sandwiches and fucking tinfoil wrappers at the mall on Italian bread. This is crazy. wander around this. Literally, my, Frat sandwich. We were going to get actual shit from the food.

I brought the sandwich. My, what are you talking about? I am not eating a fucking frat sandwich in the food court at the mall. I'm not eating it. I'm not opening up a tinfoil thing. Picking up an egg sandwich with peppers on a fucking Italian bread.

This is insane. This is crazy. She was so mad at us so we didn't want to eat. Brought it from home. No, I'm getting Taco Bell. This is weird. You're fucking weird, grandma.

We'll all get diarrhea. together. Stop it, Grandma. Jesus, I don't want your fucking egg sandwich. It's been in your purse for 45 fucking minutes, an hour now. It's been in your purse. I mean, that's for sure going to give me diarrhea. Let's at least roll the dice with Taco Bell.

I want to roll it. I might come up lucky here. I'm pretty lucky with Taco Bell sometimes. Okay. Okay. Food options, no outside coolers. Recommend a meal plan of you if you are going to attend me more than once. They're English fell apart here at the end.

They say recommend a plan, recommend a meal plan of you are going to attend me more than once. I don't know what that sentence means. You can bring a water bottle and fill it up. Yeah, right. Excellent. Okay, two stars. You fill it up with Arizona tap water.

Arizona tap water, which smells like sulfur and tastes like metal. So enjoy that. It came out of pipes, but somehow tastes like the garden hose. Perfect. How that happened? Weird. Leah, two stars, this place is not worth going to. Unfortunately, it's probably the only good water park other than Great Wolf Lodge in Arizona.

However, there's so many issues with this place. First, it stanks. It does. It does stanks. Like, I waited one hour to go on a slide. And apparently, while I was waiting, the slide closed, but the lifeguards didn't tell us. So I waited an hour for absolutely nothing. Stood in the sun waiting for an hour.

Hey, this line hasn't been moving in a while. We closed this an hour ago. How did you not pass that back along the line? It's closed now. As people started peeling off, you didn't realize that? They weren't there? Okay. So I just waited for nothing.

Huge waste of time. The food is extremely expensive. Restaurants are rarely open. Pretty much 55% of the rides are even open. They don't have free water when it's 115 in Arizona. That's one of the complaints that this place has is they constantly run out of bottled water. Yeah. How?

How much do you think we need? Get a little more. It's Arizona in the heat. It's 150 outside. Pretty crazy. You run a water park. Have a truck deliver twice a day. Who cares?

It's outside. Morning? If we run out of it, have another shipment on its way by noon. You're going to sell it. It's water in Arizona. It'll go. But the, okay. Also, the water is dirty.

with band-aids floating around everywhere, of course, random trash, and basically just dirt and rocks. But the worst problem of all, lines. You can also rent a float for no reason at all because you can just find one for free around the park anyway. It's probably so windy, they just blow everywhere. And the thing that concerns me most is that whenever you're waiting in line, you might decide to look up and be absolutely horrified to see the rusting on the metal. That's the thing. Everything here is full of rust.

The slides are leaking. There is really concerning rust happening on the slide supporters. It looks like it's going to break. Maybe go somewhere else for summer. It does. This was built by an Australian company called Wet and Wild. And then they sold it to, I think, six flags, Hurricane Harbor. I think it is a six flags, yes.

Yeah. Because I remember Wetting Wild, never went there. I remember the commercials for Wet and Wild on TV all the time. This is the place. Yeah. And so it, because it was. Like a Sun's game, there was a lot of them. Their marketing was.

genius. They sold the motherfucker out of it. And they have like interesting. It's a buck 20 outside. We have tons of water shit. You don't need marketing. That's marketing. Do you have a pool? No, come over. Yeah, got a water slide? No, guess what? We do, motherfucker.

Cop in. We have one that shoots you up. You know how those most of them go down? These motherfuckers shoot up. They've got jets in them. Yes, I saw the thing. You go up. It's crazy. That's weird as fuck. Tramont two stars.

This is the greatest opening line of any review we've ever had. They really encourage you to pee in the water here. Big signs. A lot of evaporation. Fill up if you can. Help us out with that if you could. God and be it. That's amazing.

What a safe me not. Only one bathroom at entrance and small family bathes. room in park. So they're like, listen, I'm not going to wait on line for a half hour to pee. I'll just be. So rotating door over here to piss and a line a mile long. Look at all that toilet out there. Look at this one big

giant toilet. I get you get to upcharge for food inside a place. You don't get free food at the water park. No. No. But at least have it taste decent. $18 for stale chicken tenders and bland fries is highway robbery.

Yeah. That sucks. And the kids take that shit in the pool, James. Oh, I bet. And the wave pool has chicken tenders and fries in it to float all over the place. They just wash up on the shore. It's a half-eaten chicken tender fucking... Clogging up the filters at the end of the night. Some little motherfucker holding it like a handlebar grip and just...

Yeah. Oh, and then they get hit by the wave and the tender flies. That's a little picture. It's all in the fucking water. These tasted worse than from a cheap frozen dinner. That's not good. Anastasio, two stars. I would not recommend this water park to anyone.

It's extremely overpriced for what you get. There are very few attractions, and almost everything inside costs extra to rent. To make things worse, there were underage kids openly drinking and nothing was done about it. What? Openly drinking. Is there booze here? I don't think that in there. now is there booze here?

My child was a great line too. Jesus, this is really gold. My child was repeatedly pushed around by a drunk teenager. These are just great words to put to get drunk teenagers. A drunk teenager. Teenagers with a tall boy butt in his hand

just stiff arming eight-year-old. Yeah, fucking out of the way. Eight-year-old fucking loser. Then he pisses in the fucking pool just standing on the side of it. He doesn't piss when he gets in. Yeah, he's just like, yep, that's right. He's ripping a

He's paying in the pool, but the interesting part is He pulled it out. He didn't even have to. Pissing in and just fucking hitting his Miller Steel Reserve while he fucking openly pisses on the side of the pool. Barry Sanders' stiff-harming toddlers. God.

And staff didn't seem to care. If you're thinking about visiting, I strongly suggest reconsidering. I'm hoping to get a full refund after this horrible experience. Definitely. not worth the money or the risk. Also, Phoenix is trash.

There's going to be drunk teenagers and shit like that. But this place specifically, people tailgate the parking lot. So you'll, when you're walking in, there will be families of shirtless, just trash. Drinking booze in the parking lot. Yeah. And eating them Jersey mics. Eating for tot sandwiches in the parking lot. Oh, God.

Wow. Bo, two stars. this place seems to have a great family atmosphere, as one would enter the facility with the security checks and bag checks, which I'm not disputing at all. As you leave, the security is lacking in a huge way, especially as a parent concerned. If you have a small child or wristband that matches with a parent,

as the both are to leave, would be a huge upgrade, like Chuckie cheese style. Right, yeah. It is weird that you can just, I mean, they have to. They just have to let people leave, but... Yeah, how are you going to fucking... How are you going to know? That's like, listen, watch your kids.

Yeah. How about that? Watch your kids. Well, it's, that's yours. That's not mine. Well, it's, if you weren't inside a water park, if you were just out somewhere at a park, would there be a band? No, you go to the mall, there's no band check. You go to a restaurant.

It's ridiculous. Yeah. Fucking watch your kid, stupid. Did he drown? No, he got molested? Well, I mean, the drowning part is our job. That's our job. Yeah.

Keeping dicks away from him's your job. That's your job. That's your job. But as is, any child could go as please, I guess as they please. Also, for the price of admission, one would think that all the attractions would be open. Nope. Or for that matter, a restroom that would smell better than any J. John in the middle of summer. Nope.

Nope. Literally the most unclean and most pungent smelling restrooms. Yeah. It is very strong. Oh, good. The heat makes it so much worse. Well, it's worse because when you're wet, and you walk into a bathroom.

Now the floor is just soaking wet. It's already soaking wet. I mean, you're all wet, so it doesn't matter. Nobody cares. People just, the walls have piss on them next to the urinals. There's piss everywhere. Everywhere. And as I say it as in more than once, okay?

The Paradise Cove area is very nicely done and great ventilation in bathrooms. But if you're going to open a new area and spend a lot of money, upgrade your current attractions and open the ones you already have instead of shutting down so many attractions that people pay money to experience. My family will give the benefit of the doubt and try a place out many times. You're an idiot. That's stupid. My family will keep throwing good money after bad because we're morons.

But save your family the exuberant prices an hour-long wait times. If you think overcrowding or exuberant? Exuberant prices. Do they mean exorbitant? I think exorbitant is what they're going. exuberant would be what the kids are acting like in a water park. They're exuberant. Exorbitant is what they charge for chicken tenders.

Exuberant. That's amazing. Exuberant prices. Jesus Christ. That is unreal. If you think overcrowding and overpricing is great, is a great time. Try the lake. Okay.

What? I have no idea what they're talking about. The lake. That would be the opposite of that. Yeah. Then go to the lake. It's like five, I think it's $12. dollars to get into it.

I think they're saying, like, I think they just said it wrong. I think they meant it the other way around. James One Star, there we go. This is fucking, again, wild opening here. Not the first sentence. The second one. Disgusting.

I would never take my family here. Oh. They have no American values. What? It's a water park, man. What are you talking? That's the ultimate, sir. This is a Wendy's moment right there.

Like, what are you talking? Bro, it's a water park. Cleanliness is vital at a water park. We found several areas where someone urinated, defecated, and in one case had done both, and not in the park restaurants. How do you know? Separate piss and shit piles, then one together, which I like. That's why. How do you know that somebody pissed?

That part is crazy. I can't even fucking imagine. There will be poop that we do know. Very easily. Yeah. Oh, wow. Gross. Another factor that we were absolutely appalled by

was the treatment of the park employees by the management slash higher-ups. Speaking down to an employee in a rude and condescending tone in front of customers is never a good look. We experienced this not just once, but twice. The second time, there was cursing and name-calling involved. The last thing is they allow people who aren't using the park to loiter in the parking lots. people just hanging out in the parking those are people tailgating they're coming back in

yeah they'll be there don't worry they went out to get their cooler from the bed from the drunk they needed a re-up on their tall book fuck yeah there was a break in the day we went addition let's just Phoenix it's the most your car gets broken in new constantly in Phoenix

it's terrible these people in this state know that you are walking away from that car for a very long time if you're in a place like this or in the mall mall parking lots and places like this It's rampant. If you walk away from your car, expect that window to be busted. Yeah, don't expect to.

It's very possible. Additionally, they allow underage teenagers to loiter in the park as well, as opposed to fully adult teenagers, the 19-year-olds who are there. I mean, it's all ages. It's a water park. Yeah. It's four kids for the most part. Parents drop kids off by the car load. Large groups of them.

Get the fuck out. Pick you up at four, assholes. Get out. Yeah. Pierce 20 bucks, fuck off. Get out. Yeah. Did you get your tall boy?

Honey, do you have your tall? Okay, you got your tall boy? Excellent. Yeah, make sure to get drunk and stiff arm toddlers. Did you got, are you all going to defecate in the right areas, right? Very good. We won't be going back. My family safety is more important.

This is not a family park. Okay. And then they will, we'll end it with Brandon here with one star. Then we got plenty more for next week. One star. They discontinued the ability to rent tubes for the Lazy River. It's now on a first-come, first-served system where you're expected to stand at the Lazy River stairs like a buffoon and futilely stare at other patrons in hopes they decide to hop off. Now it's like stalking people in a parking lot for their space.

Like, are you going to your car? Yeah. Remember the last time we were talking about the Lazy River and how the idea, there's a pattern. There's people coming in, people going out. As somebody shows up with a tube, you hand it off to the next person and you get the fuck out. If there's not somebody that works at this park telling people to do that, they just look at you like a fuck, like you're a moron. Yeah. They just go around again.

Fucking bedlam. Yeah. The fuck do you want. I'm using it. And then you get to compete with other buffoons to grab an available tube. Then I have five guys fighting over a tube. This is the new lazy river experience for 2026. Other buffoons are the fucking greatest.

How many buffoons are here? I asked guest services, and this is their new policy. According to the representative, they did not see the value in offering the tube rental service this year. Corporate speak translation. Staffing the tube rental stand costs more than it earned so it was nixed. Okay, probably. What? Who know?

They probably said people kept complaining he had to pay to rent a tube. is probably what it was. So they said, all right, fine, have it be chaos, enjoy. Fuck off. Get it up, fuck off. Go wrestle another buffoon. Yeah, go find a buffoon

who hasn't shit in his and use his. We will be requesting a credit card chargeback for our season passes because the Lazy River was our primary attraction and now it's an incredible mess. You went there to float in that shit in the sun. You're an idiot. You're disgusting.

You are a piece of garbage. Vile gross person. Vile human beings, as we've said in the past here. You wanted to go float in four feet of piss all day. Slow moving piss water is what you wanted to float in. Four feet of piss. Because those people, your job in that, sit in the tube and go around or stand in the tube, but you just have to hold a tube.

You have to be near a tube. Yeah. But the water moves. So people hold the tube, lift their feet up, rest their head, and they just And piss everywhere. That is four feet of piss. Four feet of piss water. That's right.

So there you go, everybody. Enjoy your four feet of piss water. Hope nobody dies and you have to deal with Social Security. Avoid the creep at the gas station, of course. And why don't you just try sculpting a Cristiano Ronaldo face? Maybe you can do a better job. Anybody could. Nobody knows what it looks like.

I don't think you need to be an artist to pull that off. So everybody. Apparently not. So everybody do that. But more than that, have fun. So come back and hear our shows next week. Check out, shut up and give me murder.com for all your merchandise, your live show tickets for small town murder. You can check out our other two shows, Crime and Sports and Smalltown Murder.

Anywhere you listen to podcasts and Small Town Murder is also on Netflix if you want to see our ugly mugs too. So do that. Hang out with us. Keep coming back. Seeing us every damn week. And until next week, everybody, we will see you then. Bye.