Your Stupid Opinions - Aussie Tacos, No Sports Allowed Bar, Not Worth A Dollar, Cage It Up

Episode Date: July 15, 2024

Join comedians James Pietragallo & Jimmie Whisman as they make fun of reviews about what the Aussies have to say about the first Taco Bell in an area of Australia. A bar that's near stadi...ums, but doesn't seem to allow sports of any kind. A store where things are both inexpensive & downright cheap. A personal item that will keep you all caged up & much more!!Join comedians James Pietragallo and Jimmie Whisman as they explore the most opinionated part of the internet: The Reviews Section!Subscribe and we will see you every Monday with Your Stupid Opinions!!!Don't forget to rate & review!!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Wondery Plus subscribers can listen to your stupid opinions ad free right now join Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple podcasts Hello everybody and welcome back to Your Stupid Opinions. Hey! Hello, how are you today? We hope you're wonderful because there's a lot of people here who aren't wonderful and they've left terrible reviews of things to see. And we'll get right into it here. First off, follow us on social media, do all that.
Starting point is 00:00:42 Also rate and review the show. It helps a lot. So whatever app you're on, please do that. Give us five stars. Don't try to be funny, please. It doesn't help. You just hurt the show. So yeah, that's the other thing too. That said, let's dive right into this. Holy shit. We are going to a Taco Bell, which we've covered Taco Bell before. What's the big deal, right? Well, this Taco Bell's a unique Taco Bell, let's say. Oh, where is it? This is a Taco Bell. It's Taco Bell Midland.
Starting point is 00:01:11 Oh. Not Texas. No? Australia. It is Taco Bell outside of Perth. Oh, is that right? Yes. Have they gotten the Cantina Tacos yet? Because those things are fucking fire. There's so much good shit there.
Starting point is 00:01:25 It's so good. It's one of those where you go, I'm just doing it. I don't care. I know I'll be sick later. Who cares? I got to try that Cheez-It tostada, by the way. That thing is new and I can't wait. Yeah, I love Cheez-Its.
Starting point is 00:01:35 Yeah, I love both of them. Throw me a, give me a Cheez-It. Can't ruin anything really with a Cheez-It. So this is a relatively new joint because a lot of these reviews are like now that there's not a two hour wait. Because when it first came, there was hours long wait for Taco Bell. What are Americans dying from?
Starting point is 00:01:56 Let's try it. Well that happens everywhere. I remember like in New York they opened to Sonic and those lines were hours long and look at In-N-Out and fucking. Yeah, when it was in Frank Lloyd Wright, the first one, God, that was a nightmare. Anything new, no matter how mediocre it is,
Starting point is 00:02:11 it's just, people wanna get it. So they've heard so much about Taco Bell, they need to do it and they're gonna get right into this. Let's find out what the Aussies think of one of our trash foods here. They saw Demolition Man back in the 90s, you know what I mean? And they didn't understand the hype of that movie.
Starting point is 00:02:29 No. Why is everything a Taco Bell? What is Taco Bell? Now, 2020 something, they finally get to find out. Well then they came out with the dog and they got to see all of that. And then it's also every joke. Oh, Taco Bell, you get diarrhea, you know,
Starting point is 00:02:41 that's the ha ha ha, whatever. So. Now they know. Here's a five star review from very recently too. I recently tried your lava chicken burrito. Is that a thing they have? What? No, we don't put lava, which is code for diarrhea,
Starting point is 00:02:55 in the name, yeah. There's no way they put that in the name of one of the items. You'll definitely shit from this. Yeah, chicken shit burrito. And I must say, it was a delightful surprise. Oh! Which, I don't think the words delightful surprise
Starting point is 00:03:13 have ever been used by an American to describe any Taco Bell menu item, right? Perhaps this person was constipated for several weeks. Yeah, finally. It's all out of me. I feel clean as a whistle in there. I can swallow a rag and pull it out of my asshole and go back and forth like I'm cleaning it. You hear squeak, squeak, squeak, clean.
Starting point is 00:03:33 Better than Murillax. He goes on to say, as a fan of spicy food, I appreciated the perfect balance of heat from the lava sauce with the savory chicken. Is this a Taco Bell review? Wow. Smoky savory, what? He's talking about flavor balances. This is Taco Bell.
Starting point is 00:03:53 We don't. It has flavor other than salt and tomatoes. Cheese, cheddar cheese. The flavors melded together beautifully, creating a satisfying meal that left me craving more. Wow. Well, I'd really like American Taco Bells to do whatever recipe they're doing
Starting point is 00:04:11 because we get none of this. Imagine when they get an Arby's, these people's heads are gonna explode. You just wait till you get that horsey sauce. The portion was generous, and despite being packed with flavor, it didn't feel overly heavy. The ingredients
Starting point is 00:04:25 seemed fresh and the tortilla was soft yet held together well making it easy to eat without any mess. This guy had the perfect Taco Bell. You felt good afterwards? He felt great, wanted more. Thank you for providing such a tasty and affordable option for lunch or dinner. Keep up the great work Taco Bell. What have you seen man? Wow, where have you been eating? What the fuck? Australian fast food must be rank. Man, it's gotta be bad. Here's another five stars, Rebecca. People complaining about the weight is a laugh. It's a newly opened store. Of course there will be a wait.
Starting point is 00:04:57 Yeah, she expected that. We went at 11am on a Saturday and zero wait. It's a little small inside, lining up blocks, lining up blocks the drink and bin station. Two registers there, but only used one. I'm sure there's a reason. Yes, it's Taco Bell, that's the reason. Now you're finding out.
Starting point is 00:05:15 They don't fully staff shit. They don't give a flying shit. They don't give a flying koala shit about what you have going on. Let me put it in terms you can understand. You will wait. They don't give a kangaroo's cock about this shit, OK? I'm sure there's a reason.
Starting point is 00:05:30 Ordering was easy and love the idea of using the takeaway vibrating number things. They give you like a outback fucking reservation beeper. The food was so good and cheap. OK, well, one of those words is right. Yeah. You got it close. Wow. Beeper. The food was so good and cheap. Cheap is the thing. Okay, well one of those words is right. Yeah. You got it close.
Starting point is 00:05:49 Would be a five star if the cleaning was a priority. Now there you go. One girl just seemed to do the floor inside near the drinks station rather than the chairs and tables. Right. Okay, so it's filthy. That's Taco Bell. Good job, Australia.
Starting point is 00:06:04 Here's one star now. People who didn't love the Taco Bell so much. Overly hyped, I guess, would be the thing. Carol gives it one star. Service was great. Well, you win. Walk out and fucking... Really? Whatever you ate doesn't matter. You won. Wow. Food was the most tasteless, disgusting chicken bowl I've ever had. Chicken bowl? What the fuck is... Yeah. They have that at Taco Bell now? Yeah, they do that like power bowl thing that's kind of like a Chipotle thing.
Starting point is 00:06:27 It's not bad. It's very, there's nothing to it. Like if you're talking fried chickens, fucking, they had that shit bowl. It's like a platter with like different areas that have things on them and then you can mix them together or not. What are your choices? Like you're getting like a Greek platter at a place that have those and have like a pitas over here and a stack of meat and shit.
Starting point is 00:06:35 But there's no tortilla. You just get a fork and mash it up and stuff. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean,
Starting point is 00:06:43 I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean and mix them together or not? What's your choice? Like you're getting like a Greek platter at a place that have those. Kind of, yeah. And have maybe like a pita over here and a stack of meat and shit. But there's no tortilla. You just get a fork and mash that shit together. Oh, I've never, okay. No, Taco Bell's handheld items. I'm not eating anything with a fork from Taco Bell.
Starting point is 00:06:57 That's all shit I eat with my hands, sorry. Seriously, the chicken looked boiled. Well, that's because the chicken, I worked at Taco Bell for four and a half hours, the chicken comes in a giant fucking bag frozen like that and they heat up the whole fucking bag in like hot water and then they pull it out of there. So that chicken... So it's kind of boiled, yeah. It's been frozen and boiled. You were only at half the battle there. Thankfully, I only got it as I was driving through Midland and wanted to see if it was as bad as I had read in the reviews. This restaurant has 3.1 stars,
Starting point is 00:07:30 by the way. She said, this place has shit reviews. I'm trying it. Let me stop there. Wow. Which is, I kind of like to do that too. Not with food so much because I don't want to get sick as like, oh, this movie looks terrible. I'm going to watch it because it looks like the worst, you know, shit like that. But not food.
Starting point is 00:07:44 She said this place has awful reviews. let's see if they're right. Well, I'm on a long road trip too, which is risky. So that's one star, next up, one star from Al. Waited 50 minutes for very basic series of food. That's too long for any Taco Bell event. Never, never do that. Taco Bell is fast, that's one of the any Taco Bell event. Never. Never do that. Taco Bell is fast. That's one of the reasons you go there.
Starting point is 00:08:06 Trust me. Get some Mission Wrap and Avos and lettuce and grill some meat or meat sauce. There was no element of- Yeah, make your own. Yeah, it's not that hard. No element of having value added to your food beyond what you can do at home in 10 minutes. That's every fast food restaurant. You want a hamburger?
Starting point is 00:08:25 Get some fucking meat, form it into a patty and cook it up quick. It's going to be three times the size and half the price and good, probably. But you don't feel like doing that, that's why you're here. Cheeseburgers are made very quick. That's why they do them in a restaurant like that. Boom, boom, done, out, there you go. The restaurant was super messy and despite having big lines outside, they weren't taking orders.
Starting point is 00:08:50 What? No, no, we'll all full up now. Like, it's, were they a nightclub? They're taking orders, it's just, it takes time. They even managed to keep this old man walking on a stick waiting for a long time. And there's a picture of the old man's feet with a stick there, like his fucking cane, just the bottom of the cane from like ankles down. It's fucking hilarious. He's like, I didn't want to be disrespectful and take a picture of the whole
Starting point is 00:09:13 guy. Yeah, I don't want you to see his face, but I do want to prove that there's a man with a cane. Well then the next picture he shows the ass of the old man, as you can see here. Oh, God, Lee, why would you do that? There's his cane. He's like leaning over a wall, looking like he's trying to get his wind back, this poor bastard. That is fucking funny as hell, I gotta say.
Starting point is 00:09:30 So next review, Brian, one star, super stingy with the fillings. Yep. Yes. Yes, Staggabelle, hardly any seasoning, they always get the order wrong. Okay, you're getting it, see? Yep, but you're gonna get the twists man
Starting point is 00:09:45 next up learn the song proud to be an American and you'll have the Shoot off some fireworks There you go. They always get the order wrong tacos and crunch wraps weren't even half-filled Absolute insanity considering the ridiculous prices they charge here. Okay, it's it's calm down How disappointing for Taco Bell. American Taco Bell does it right. This is some fake stuff. No they don't.
Starting point is 00:10:11 What are you talking about? They do it just like that. We don't know how bad this is though. It might be worse than what we have, but I doubt it. It's probably better quality. Tacos used to be 49 cents. They are now almost $2, man.
Starting point is 00:10:22 It's, they have really, they've really gone the price up. They got it up a bit too high. $1.49 now or something? $79. $79? Really? Well, yeah. Next up, Alana One Star. First time at Taco Bell today. Wow. That's so weird watching an adult get Taco Bell for the first time. It's such a strange fucking thing. 40 minute wait through drive through. Partner ordered a Boss Burrito with beef. What the fuck is that? They have different names over there dude. Boston and Lava, which was tasteless. I ordered a California Burrito with pulled pork. Yeah, it's a totally different menu I think. They have those here now. I haven't had Taco Bell in about a year, by the way,
Starting point is 00:11:06 in all honesty. I don't know if they have them here, here. I know they do them in Arizona. They exist, okay. Yeah, not like where we're sitting now, yeah. But yeah, I haven't had Taco Bell in like a year. Do you want Taco Bell later when we're done with this? I'm not, I'm not, I'm never opposed.
Starting point is 00:11:19 The more we go through this, the more I think we're having Taco Bell in about 45 minutes. Let's just say that, uh, O M G my first bite was met with a mouth full of sloppiness and fat. I spat it out and almost vomited. There you go. You did it. Yay. You've experienced Taco Bell now. Awesome. Oh, cause she got the chick pork. She got a pork. I don't know how they don't
Starting point is 00:11:44 have pork. I've never heard of pork. I don't know how they make pork. They don't have pork. I've never heard of pork. No, the so-called pulled pork. No, in America, Taco Bell knows better than to sell pulled pork. They can't. It's chicken and then beef. Taco Bell and McDonald's are the two largest purchasers of E. coli tainted meat.
Starting point is 00:12:01 And it's because you just cook the living shit out of it, and it's fine. It sits there for so long in that steam tray thing so I mean it coal life Oh, lots of it lots of it pulled pork looked like boiled old chicken the pulled pork But bits of fat and ligaments hanging off it. Oh no gross absolutely disgusting tasteless sloppy saucy boiled meat with fat. Disappointment. Australia has some great Mexican places now, do they?
Starting point is 00:12:29 No, they don't. Do they? Don't you dare. Are you kidding me? Iowa doesn't even have great Mexican places. You think it got that fucking far away? There's like three states with like real good Mexican food and...
Starting point is 00:12:42 That ain't one of them. That ain't one of them. That ain't one of them. You get it, Arizona, California. Fucking Perth, ain't it? New Mexico, I bet Nevada has some good shit. Texas has some decent stuff too. I'm sure, but it's all that fucking Tex-Mex though. It's a different thing.
Starting point is 00:12:56 Yeah, that's true. It's a Mexican guy dressed like a cowboy selling it to you. It's different. Arizona Mexican food is the best. That's real shit. You can get good street food. It's good. It's really fucking good. So good Taco Bell, Australia is officially the worst fast food in Australia. That's in a country and a continent. She's saying the whole thing Well done on the whole island the whole shit Stephen one star the food was okay. Well, then it's not one star
Starting point is 00:13:24 Steve in one star the food was okay. Well, then it's not one star Yeah, that's three two at least there's a picture of a line with literally Stanchions out of the building what like it's a fucking nightclub It looks like it's a nightclub line at Taco Bell in the dark and everything The food was okay not satisfied with how the staff were not friendly Staff was eating during their shift. Yeah. Okay, that's one of the advantages of working at Taco Bell. I ate every, four and a half hours,
Starting point is 00:13:50 I ate like five meals when I worked there. I ate everything. The amount of pizza I ate as a teenager is- Oh, that's all you did. Oh God, we would purposely make the pizzas wrong so that we could have it. Yeah, we'd make- That's what you do.
Starting point is 00:14:01 I'd just experiment with shit, like just nacho cheese on this and have a big taco thing. Yeah. What is this, a works it as jalapenos? Well then we'll eat it. Give it a shot. Staff was eating during their shift and also didn't clean the table outside when it wasn't busy.
Starting point is 00:14:15 That's because they were eating. Staff was standing there and doing nothing. I really recommend improving how to have a good working system. That's when they first opened, so we'll give you some slack on that. Buy a Taco Bell and run it yourself. There you go, it's easy, you can get a franchise. Jessica One Star, vegetarian burrito was the saltiest food I've ever eaten. So much sauce too, inedible.
Starting point is 00:14:38 Rethink vegetarian options and add vegan options. All right, it's Taco Bell. No, they never will do that. No, it's shit and it's all, even the beans have lard in them. There's, it's not. No, they never will do that. No, it's shit. And it's all even the beans have lard in them. There's some. Yeah. It's not bad.
Starting point is 00:14:50 Some sort of animal product. Jane one star hubby and I went in today for the first time, the bathroom was dirty. There will be poop. Yeah. The guy who served me was dirty. No, you could say, okay, the guy who served me is dirty. Now if his hands are like have dirt on them or something, that's one thing. She said his clothes were covered in food.
Starting point is 00:15:11 Because he was probably working the line five minutes ago and they switched him off on the register. That's why. He's mid shift, babe. Yeah. In a restaurant. That's what I mean. He's probably, and they switch you all around.
Starting point is 00:15:21 So he was probably on the line, got shit all over him trying to make the food quick for a line out the fucking door. And then they put him on the line, got shit all over him, trying to make the food quick for a line out the fucking door, and then they put him on the front. He's got sour cream. Yeah, he's got sour cream with the tomato chunks fucking stuck in it on his shirt, who cares? I know he was probably in the kitchen, but don't come out here and serve looking that messy.
Starting point is 00:15:39 Like I said, if he had like lawn clippings all over him or something, then I get it. It's the food he's's making so it's fine As far as the food we got we got what we ordered however I expected flavor and there just wasn't it was deaf It was definitely seasoned, but that was about it. Well. What else do you want it to taste like but seasoning? China gives one star first time ordering from Taco Bell and drive-thru came with family and time ordering from Taco Bell in Drive Thru, came with family and never ordered from Taco Bell before. Is he from China or name is China?
Starting point is 00:16:11 Right, yeah, it's the whole country. Because it sounds very like, yeah. So we were asking for suggestions and recommendations. The young girl serving us was so rude, her tone and manners, she kept sighing going, yeah, anything else? You don't know what you want? Then don't come up here yet.
Starting point is 00:16:27 Yeah, and then you go, no, and then they go, okay, drive up. What the fuck is the problem? And we ordered aioli sauce and she didn't give it to us. They have aioli there? Wow, I don't know, that doesn't go on anything in Taco Bell. Trust me, we've eaten a lot of Mexican food, been around a lot in Arizona, aioli is never an option. No, I'm a Taco Bell connoisseur. I love Taco Bell. That ain't it. Nope. And she didn't give it to us. No one was behind us in line. There was no rush or
Starting point is 00:16:56 busy service. I have left with a bad taste in my mouth. Well, that's Taco Bell. And I was excited. We're going to anyway. That's it. I was excited and I had high hopes for Taco Bell. Shame the customer service is terrible. Real shame. Real fucking shame here. Jesus Christ. Jody One Star, first visit ever,
Starting point is 00:17:18 entered the store and heard a loud fuck came from the kitchen. Fuck, I work at Taco Bell. Shit. Stared out. They opened their page. Yeah, fuck came from the kitchen. Fuck, I work at Taco Bell. Shit. Stared out. They opened their page. Yeah. Fuck.
Starting point is 00:17:29 God damn it. They take taxes? Shit. Started out well at counter. Service at counter was lovely. That's a very Australian way to put it. Girl was so friendly and went through what was included in the bundle.
Starting point is 00:17:42 She let us know we could change the protein to chicken and add drinks for $3 we did this and paid we went to fill the drinks and they'd already made the order confused I'd asked if it was changed to chicken no anger started in the kitchen Complaining that we couldn't change the order once we had paid What the obvious they obviously started making the order before we paid because we had just ordered and paid. Rude, young, immature staff, absolutely ridiculous, food was bad. There you go. Jesus Christ.
Starting point is 00:18:14 Okay. So they're trying to jump the gun by hearing the order and then just start making it and they just made them all beef and they're like, fuck it, just wrap it. Yeah, just fucking here, just wrap it up. They won't know the difference. They'll get it out. They'll eat it. It'll be in their fucking here. Just wrap it up. They won't know the difference. They'll get it out They'll believe it. It'll be in the car Al gives one star shit is his first line shit period if you love yourself you do better
Starting point is 00:18:34 Yeah, yeah, you're committing Taco Bell when you do it. Yeah, it's two in the morning and you go Taco Bell They go. Yeah, fuck it. I guess respect is out the window. Yeah, that's what you're doing. Respect yourself? Nah, let's just get it, fine. Wasn't worth it at all. The food was cold, burrito drowned in sauce, cheese was stale. The whole thing looked like a dog's breakfast and chucked in the bin.
Starting point is 00:18:57 Service was also nonexistent. Honestly consider opting for the Zambrero opposite. I don't know what the- I guess that's another Mexican food joint. Maybe, yeah. All I can think of here. And then here's Charlie, one star. First time I came it was nasty.
Starting point is 00:19:16 Today I came again. First time I came it was all over the place. Today I knew what I like, get a towel. Today I came again, because I was craving it and they basically stole my money I ordered three soft beef tacos, and I'm struggling to find the beef It's just lettuce sour creams and some powdery Mexican ish sauce Powdery powdery They didn't mix it Wow no meat don't expect any just to off my experience today, the young boy on the hot chip station was open mouth
Starting point is 00:19:49 chewing chips over customers food while portioning the chips. Gross! Holy Jesus Christ, that is fucking, and there's a lot of people too, gross. First thing I noticed was how filthy the place was. A lot of those. Gross, gross, gross. Finally here, last one, Holly, one star, I went to the Midland Taco Bell on the 27th of January at 645 and I was greeted by a lovely girl at the counter who took my order. She must be the same one from before.
Starting point is 00:20:17 But that's where it went downhill. There was a tall brown hair guy that was wearing a hat that was beyond rude. He had been rude numerous times that I had been to the establishment. It really affects my experience. It really affects your experience. Did he work there or was he eating? He's the guy who's angry standing outside and I'm not sure I want to come back. His customer service is absolutely appalling. I'll give an example.
Starting point is 00:20:42 Today my buzzer went off so I went in to get my food and he put my food down on the counter and walked off. What do you need? I took it and put the buzzer down and walked off. As I was walking off he said loudly under his breath, you're welcome. Okay. Well, that's being a douche. Sarcastically and proceeded to talk to another coworker about it and they both looked up at me. This is absolutely appalling and you guys shouldn't hire people with absolutely no customer
Starting point is 00:21:06 experience. Well, that's who works at Taco Bell. I got a job there when I was 16. I'd never worked with a customer in my life at anything. Who demands a thank you at Taco Bell? Who cares? Yeah. You want, no, no, no, no.
Starting point is 00:21:20 You put it down and you thank me, motherfucker. This is your thank me for giving you money for something I'm gonna be disappointed with. That's what you thank me for. So okay, now that we've experienced Australian Taco Bell, which is very strange, let's go back, head back to the States with the most American thing I can think of. What do you got? A Dollar General. Let's find out what they got going on here.
Starting point is 00:21:42 A Dollar General in Albany, Louisiana. They got an Albany, huh? They got an Albany down there. Yup. This is even better. It gets better, Jimmy. 19320 Florida Boulevard, Albany, Louisiana. I'm completely confused.
Starting point is 00:22:00 Where are we? Where the hell are we right now? This has 3.7 seven stars by the way And if you don't know what dollar general is it's a bargain retail chain selling a range of household goods groceries beauty products and more For more than a dollar to for more than a dollar Yeah It's a shit
Starting point is 00:22:17 They sell whatever shit stuff they could get on closeout from other places and try to get it to you before it expires That's essentially what it is Here is the first one, five stars. The young man helped us find what we were looking for. You're clearly very old. The young man. The young man. Being that I have worked retail in my past,
Starting point is 00:22:36 I really was impressed with him as he was carrying this store on his own. No manager or assistant to direct him. I feel he needs a promotion. Are you listening Dollar General? That's his grandma. You know it's- Dollar Lieutenant. Yeah, he needs to be the fucking, go up the chain. Dollar Admiral make him. I don't think General's working. That's his grandma, I believe. Right?
Starting point is 00:22:59 It's certainly somebody related. The young man, is there only one that's young in there? And I'm very surprised I didn't mention him by name. I don't know why but I think his name was this I love when they do that like you didn't know Perhaps it's little Bobby might be him tug. I don't know. He's a good kid You should have seen him when he was nine anyway Next up five stars don't discount Dollar General as a place you wouldn't shop at Don't hold your nose up as you drive by the Dollar General. The word discount in a very cheap store, that's nice.
Starting point is 00:23:32 It threw me off reading the sentence, honestly. I expected something to be about that. They have an amazing range of products available in our local store. Staff is very friendly. It's easy in and out. Okay. All right, well that's great. Yeah, if you can find something that they have everywhere else, it's the same there. Cheaper. Fine. Get it. Why not? If you need it and it's cheaper, done deal. Aubrey gives two stars. I got one on Wardrobe
Starting point is 00:23:56 Road, however, visited it at least three others. Same hunky way. I hope she's okay. Pardon? That's your average dollar general shopper. They're confused. They have a possible like maybe a head injury that they're confused about. Internal bleeding. Internal bleeding. They think they need stuff, but they're actually, they wandered away from the ICU. They don't really need anything right now.
Starting point is 00:24:22 She's ripped the IV out and went walking. Yeah, she's definitely got a wristband on and a smock. Like that guy in Oklahoma City. When I went to the worst neighborhood circle K ever and it was all these people and then all these scary people and finally a dude walks in with just barefoot with a fucking hospital gown with a wristband on and goes right to the alcohol. And I'm like, I gotta get out of this fucking place. I'm not walking home, I'm getting an Uber.
Starting point is 00:24:48 I walked here, surprised I'm alive. Jeremy One Star, the worst Dollar General experience I've ever had. The store was destroyed. Couldn't get down the many aisles, the freezers were broken, there was shelved missing items all over, only one person was working, I guess that one nice young man. And he's got pictures, look at these. What the fuck? You can't even get down the aisle.
Starting point is 00:25:16 Is there an earthquake? Maybe this is after Katrina? How old is this? What's going on? What is happening? Everything's, aisles are leaning over. The bins are full of boxes. It looks like there's been a natural disaster here.
Starting point is 00:25:29 It looks like the aisles. Whoever stocks is lazy as fuck. They didn't even empty the boxes, threw the box on the shelf. The aisles are filled with carts full of shit to restock, but it's not being restocked, so you can't walk down the aisles either. It looks really trashy in there.
Starting point is 00:25:43 That's not good. Holy crap, there's more. Hold on, wait, come back, come back. Look at this. This is just shit. This isn't even stock. It's just shit strewn about that nobody bothered to pick up.
Starting point is 00:25:53 Look at that, it's just a mess. It's like people wander through, pick something up off the shelf and go, this ain't it, and just throw it on the floor. It's either just go through like knocking stuff down randomly like, bink, bink, bink, take that. Julius One Star, on top of being short with the customer, It's either just go through like knocking stuff down randomly like think think think think that Julius one star on top of being short with the customer You can't even get them to answer the phone to make sure they have the product you're looking for
Starting point is 00:26:13 Almost like a third world dollar general, you know a dollar general. That's what they are You there's a Haiti of some actually have is that what they do? I've never heard of anyone I'll call dollar general have somebody go do a Is that what they do? I've never heard of anyone. I'll call Dollar General and have somebody go do a fucking item check. See if they've got them. There's one person working. They don't even pick shit up off the floor. Get in there and get out.
Starting point is 00:26:34 Whatever you find is great. Yeah, it's almost like one of those rescue organizations. They just threw like a pile of shoes out and you just go searching through your fucking pile for your size or some shit. Wow. So yeah, almost like a third world dollar general. Interesting. Tina one star. This is good. Thief's.
Starting point is 00:26:55 With that we're starting. Thief's. Yeah, not thieves. Thief's. That's why I said it made sure that that shit F this fucking word. Bad management. She rolls her eyes at people but okay if cashier get wallet thrown in face because of checking their age on licenses for beer products. What? Let's go, let's try that again. Here, quick. Who was stolen from? Their thieves, number one. That's just first and foremost. Bad management, again, and then I assume that she's talking about the manager who may or may not also be a thief
Starting point is 00:27:31 coming up here. She rolls her eyes at people, but okay if cashier get wallet thrown in face because of checking their age on licenses or for beer products. So she'll roll her eyes at you, who's being normal, whereas someone could be like, look at my license and shove it right in her face and she doesn't roll her eyes at them. Everything's okay there. Everything's fine there. And that's where the theft occurred. That's where it all happened.
Starting point is 00:28:00 That's why they're thieves. And then it says, L'Orinjeur store has the most ungrateful people trying to run in the ground Not run it into the ground trying to run in the ground Which is a you're never gonna have customers never gonna have a lot of success running in the ground. It's not gonna work well Thieves thieves thieves Wow Thieves! Thieves! Wow Dan, what do you expect? It's a dollar general. It's one of those where what do you expect if you found something for a good price? I win. I win. I shouldn't have come here if I didn't want this.
Starting point is 00:28:34 Sounds like somebody had some attitude and yeah a little bit and from there that person just unwound Lost their fucking minds over this shit Dan gives one star. I would give negative stars if that were possible. If I could! Yeah, we all know. Everyone at home goes, if I could! You gotta shout it out your car window whenever that happens if you're listening to the car.
Starting point is 00:28:57 In your office, it's okay. I pushed a broom, and I purchased a broom, I'm sorry, and forgot it, went back in to get it, but I could not find it. I could not find the receipt and the young gentleman behind the counter was not only rude and unprofessional, but downright vulgar. Yeah, we're going to accuse you of stealing if you say you bought it and you don't have the... I don't know what to tell you, man.
Starting point is 00:29:23 I don't have proof of that. He said, fuck your broom, bitch. and he was like vulgar just vulgar He also expected me to pay for the broom a second time. This store is horrible How far away they made it sound like they walked outside got to the car and went? Oh shit and went back in Where's the receipt? I don't know. Where's your receipt then? Cuz this motherfucker got home was probably there for three days and then said didn't I get a Broom and then went back was like my bought I brought a broom like three days ago. They're like, do you have a receipt? He's like no, but trust me. I bought one and didn't get one. No, I don't
Starting point is 00:29:57 Know you and the fact that you're driving here makes me suspicious of your character shopping here makes me suspicious of your character immediately So yeah, one star. So unorganized. Filthy and cluttered. Carts filled with stock that were blocking the items on the shelves. Stock laying on the ground. What a mess. I'm not about to move or climb over carts to try to get something I wanted off the shelf. I took my business elsewhere. It's not just this location either dollar general needs to hire people that can stock and clean What about that nice young man? Yeah, right didn't they just get sued to it was a dollar generals or a different one Yeah, who knows? Yeah, there's a chain. Yeah. Yeah one of those family dollars was it family dollar? I think it was family dollar. Yeah, one of those family dollars was it family dollar? I think it was family dollar I think you're right that was red and that yeah, and they got sued because the back stock fucking warehouse was full of rats and rats
Starting point is 00:30:50 Oh, yeah, where they store food. Just like what is happening? You can also buy rats there. They didn't tell you they have Their free range too they let them Really nice Laura one star it was so hot in there I was going to spend a lot more money but I couldn't stand it with the heat no you weren't she said I had fucking my pockets stacked with fucking I got my tax return I was gonna go buck wild in the dollar general stacks on stacks on stacks and I was like rain in this motherfucker ah I was gonna throw tips stacks and I was like rain
Starting point is 00:31:28 Tips out and I was like go too hot can't take it dollar general, but with the can't stand it with the heat, please dollar general But y'all employees, please get y'all air-conditioned fixed not air conditioning. Yeah y'all get y'all air-conditioned fixed Lots of she was gonna spend millions in there. Yeah, it's not the believe me They want it turned down too But there's a box around it with a key and the only person with a key is not here. They don't come in They're not here right now. Sorry Again you're asking a lot from us indeed. Yes,. That's the problem. One star, I do not shop here. If I had a choice it would be no star at all. Well yeah you shouldn't
Starting point is 00:32:13 give give or take any, you should really not leave a review because you don't shop here. Maybe leave a review for some place you shop, that would be nice. Maggie, one star here. Okay, Yeah. Interesting. Um, one star, shelves are messy, service is non-existent, and then maybe the greatest line ever, smells better than most. Surprisingly smells nice. Surprisingly. Yeah. Most of them smell like shit this place. It's fucking tolerable. Not so bad. And then finally, John, one star, poorly ran. Not run, poorly ran. A fire trap with all the lanes blocked with box after box.
Starting point is 00:32:51 And we know that's true. If there's a fire, you are going to die in there while holding a discount box of macaroni and cheese. You're going to die. You'll be running very poorly. Very poorly. So we've been to Australia. We've been around the world, we've
Starting point is 00:33:06 been to Louisiana, we've been to Florida, Albany, Louisiana there, which is a nice place to be. I really feel like the world is out to get us this week and the world just wants us to go fuck ourselves. So why not with the personal item of the week, everybody? This is a fucking weird one. It's strange, it doesn't go inside of you, which is helpful. We don't have to hear a lot about people's intricacies and their assholes this week, so that's nice. Take a look at that. Holy. See that? That's a... That is a padlock for your ween ween. Yeah. That is a cock cage. Oh, is that what it's called's called I'll give you the description
Starting point is 00:33:45 a solid name it's a you team is the brand cock cage male chastity device locked cock are locked cage sex toy for men key and lock included now what it is is a there's a padlock on it and it's like imagine like a sleeve for your cock, but it's made out of metal rings and on the end- It's like a slinky for your dick. Slinky, yes. And on the end of it is a cage like an inner city street light has over it, so you can't break it.
Starting point is 00:34:18 That's what's on the end of it, is what it looks like. Right for your tip. Right? For your tip, yeah. Yeah. And there looks like there's three extra ones, I guess, to lengthen it, I guess. Yeah, for the bigger fella, yeah. And there's a padlock on there,
Starting point is 00:34:28 I guess, to get it on and off, so someone could lock down your cock, I guess. Jesus golly. It only has 3.7 stars out of almost 1,200 ratings. People, so many people have bought the cock cage. Is that, that bigger ring, does it go around your balls? Well, we'll find out here, I think because I think it's it's that's the outer ring that goes right up against you. So I feel like there's different sizes for that to
Starting point is 00:34:52 keep it tight. And then inner rings, you got one size fits all. That's how it works. This is 24.99. And the description says three cuff rings, three sizes enable the satisfying fit for most people. Delicate padlock, hand over the control to your partner. It says, delicate. All the exquisite details ensure the maximum comfort for you and three ring cuffs make it capable to fit your body perfectly. Breathable quality. Well, yeah, it's all open around the rings.
Starting point is 00:35:25 The hollow out design allows your penis breathe freely even in the restraint. Allows your penis breathe freely. Comfortable experience ensures rustless and smooth performance. Rustless and smooth finish for, oh yeah, like rust like that. I was thinking, I'm sorry, I was thinking of it in a completely different. Not restless. I was like, restless, how does that make sense?
Starting point is 00:35:48 I was trying to understand how this clearly Asian person that wrote this shit was trying to work this out. Smooth finish for offering enhanced emotion with partner. Would you like, Jimmy, would you like enhanced emotion with partner? Enhanced emotion. I don't know how this, this is gonna make me cry. How do you use it?
Starting point is 00:36:11 I don't understand what the, it's to not use your cock. That's the point of it. To not fuck. To not fuck. So it's the opposite of what we usually have. Well, let's, Slappy gives it five stars right off the bat here. Quality Cage Bigger Than You Think is the title title of it because these are all Amazon reviews. He's rattling around in there.
Starting point is 00:36:26 He's like, look at me, I got room to spare. Bouncing off the walls. Product is well made and very comfortable. The average is bigger than I thought it would be. The average is a bigger than I thought it would be. That's the sentence. Seems well made and no sharp edges to pinch or cut. I would think that'd be the first thing you'd make sure of.
Starting point is 00:36:47 If there's any of those, it's trash. It's garbage, nothing there around your penis. Only slight issue is the post on the ring is flat when it comes in contact with you. The post on the ring. It needs to be smoothed out so it doesn't dig into your body. Oh, the piece that you lock it to. Yeah, I think you're right. Other than that, this seems to be well made for my first cage. My first cage. You get that for your kids too. My first cock cage. You get them in one
Starting point is 00:37:18 of those little tykes cars. You know, first birthday. First basketball hoop, first cock cage. I don't understand how it locks to you though. I think you get the size that fits so you can like really lock it, I guess squeeze your cock and make it so it doesn't come off. Which sounds painful because it looks like it's metal and it's going to pull your dick down.
Starting point is 00:37:39 But what, yeah, and this is for an older guy because if you're youthful and get those midday boners if it's tight when it's flaccid, oh boy. Well, you're fucked. You're in deep shit. And they said, it's well made for my first cage and something I'll be able to wear all day. Why? All day?
Starting point is 00:37:54 What do you need a cock cage on all day? For what purpose does that serve? You got a zipper? That's the deal. You're going to sound like a medieval knight clinking and clanking as you walk, too. Do you need that? That's not good. I contacted customer service oversizing and they, this guy called a person to go, I need to talk to you about my dick and how it fits in a cock cage.
Starting point is 00:38:14 Hello, I'm about to be embarrassing. Wow. And they responded quickly and offered to replace it. With what? They said, don't send it back, please. You keep that. That's your cock cage. That's yours Thank you and great company to deal with Wow Three stars now only a few days in a pretty good starter, but lacks in some areas is this a thing I never knew this was a thing like this is some guys are turned on by you can grow out of this I
Starting point is 00:38:41 As you get better at it their skill I grow out of this? As you get better at it, there's skill? I, maybe, but you said first time I've bought something like this and I'm only a few days in so my critiques and opinions may change. Okay. I may figure it out. Overall, it's a pretty good cage if you're just looking to give it a try. What, give what a try? Having your cock locked away? You can also do that with underwear. It's the same principle. Don't you have pants, man?
Starting point is 00:39:04 Yeah, put some pants on. Use your zipper. Pretend that's it. The stainless steel can be cold at first, but once it becomes warm, it stays warm, you know, steel, plus the ventilation slits help keep things well ventilated. It's a bit big and bulky. I'm always, I'm always cold. So I end up wearing a lot of layers, hiding it pretty effectively during day to day life. These guys just wear a cock cage around all day. It can be pretty heavy but not bad enough to cause strain or pain. Also, I'm not the biggest person in the world but I find it difficult to dot dot dot stuff the skin in the cage I guess. Even after lubing the cage and putting cream on the skin, it feels like a struggle to properly fit all the way.
Starting point is 00:39:50 How many people have you come in contact in your life that was wearing one of these? Apparently, half of them, about a third. A third to half, maybe. Everyone's got a cock cage on. Were you wearing a cock cage when I met you? I'm wearing one right now. Well, there you go, see? We never even know. You never know who's got a cock cage when I met you I'm wearing one right now well there you go see we never even know you never know who's got a cock cage on I
Starting point is 00:40:08 am so am I Jimmy so there you go two for two right here when you're talking about us I think this is I'm gonna invest in cock cage companies I think this is what it is I mean how many have been bought twelve hundred twelve hundred left reviews never mind bought. Right! Those are actual reviewers. Those are people that admitted it. One out of 20 leave reviews so I mean think about that. Oh man! I mean Jesus Christ. My biggest complaints, not complaints, complaints are the base rings and the way the cage connects to them. It doesn't feel like any of those rings fit properly. I was trying to medium sized ring overnight and my quote, fellas were as swollen and sore when I woke up.
Starting point is 00:40:52 Took the cage off and it was fine after five minutes. He was crushing his balls. Yeah, cut off circulation to a sack. Wow. But he gave himself torsion. Nice work. But it still gave me a scare waking up. I switched over to the large size ring and now I feel like it's slipping after an hour or two, meaning
Starting point is 00:41:09 I have to adjust every time. It sucks when you're in between sizes of anything. Shoes, cock cages, anything really. Meaning I have to adjust every time, something I can't really do in public. No, I would hope not. Last issue, and the biggest one I have. While the rest of the cage is largely free of sharp bits and places skin can pinch, one of the two connecting poles near the base constantly pinch and stab the skin around them. The first night when I was struggling to put on the ring I ended up breaking the skin and bleeding. Oh my god. God, he had blood running down his dick.
Starting point is 00:41:49 So be extra careful about that. To prevent this, I just stuck some ripped bundle of tissues as a protective layer, but I wish that wasn't the case. Maybe there's less movement with a larger lock? I don't know. Wow. I don't know, this person. And 15 people found that helpful
Starting point is 00:42:08 That's more confusing than anything he said I won't buy this therefore. It was blood I don't I don't want that 15 people said good good click. I'm glad I read that thank God for you, sir John with three stars good for guys who have thicker members Okay, good for those of us who are well above average in thickness. He's trying to tell you his cock's big is what he wants to tell you. Big fatty boy. My biggest complaint is how it attaches. The connection rod and hole should be squared so it doesn't swivel around when trying to get it on. Those little pilots hurt and not in a good way when you
Starting point is 00:42:43 stab yourself with them because it doesn't automatically line up a Square rod would fix this issue. This guy's got a whole engineering sketch. Yeah, he's Engineered a better cock cage. It doesn't hurt in a good way you sick fuck You say are you hurting your dick in a good way? It's so weird. It is not easy to get on for self-play because of this as well. Oh Jesus. Well yeah because you have a okay. I still recommend it because it's the only affordable rest or custom order that I found for thick member guys. If they changed this,
Starting point is 00:43:18 it would gain a star and then that and switch to standard chastity lock and get all five. that and switch to standard chastity lock and get all five. Standard chastity lock? Is that a form of lock? This is your standard chastity lock here. Is that normal? I am going to Google that real quick. What? Please do. Please do. Well, I'm figuring this out over the next review to write. Standard chastity lock and Nothing comes out This is what a whole star though if he invents one well, you're an engineer invent one asshole Images nothing. Oh wait. Oh boy. Oh, you're gonna get chastity Now my algorithms fucked
Starting point is 00:44:00 How do you think mine is I got cock cages on there. He wants like a fucking trailer hitch pin lock. Yeah, he wants a whole different setup. Your Google search, in the last 24 hours I've been looking up nothing but murder and cock cages. What do you expect? Veronica Forrest are three stars. Circumstantial is her, like evidence I guess. Circ stars circumstantial is her like evidence I guess circumstantial an overall big an overall comfortable cage but it can pinch your scrotum and around the top
Starting point is 00:44:35 pinch and scrotum are not she means circumcision this thing can maybe circumcise you if it pinches around the bait around the fucking tip circumcise all if it pinches around the bait or around the fucking tip? Circumcisal is what they were going for. Circumcising maybe. The lock itself can also slip into the cracks of the cage and feel sharp against your dick, which is super uncomfortable. Yeah. Thanks, Veronica. Mark three stars, bulky and uncomfortable. The cage works for what it should. Which is what? That's the point. We can't bring that up. What are you motherfuckers?
Starting point is 00:45:08 Tell us why you're buying this. Why does this make you come? Why? I want to know. What does this do for you? Wow. It is decently secure, looks nice, and the size is accurate to the description. Terrific.
Starting point is 00:45:22 Like many other buyers, however, this thing is very heavy. Very is all caps, by the description. Terrific. Like many other buyers, however, this thing is very heavy. Very is all caps, by the way. There is a lot of pull, and with some movement I can feel it starting to slide off. Oh boy. You don't have enough dick for this thing, I think. Yeah. Sounds like you're missing dick. That's what it is. It's missing everybody. What an APB, Adam, the rest of this guy's dick. The problem with it moving around so much is I find there's a ton of pinching and friction against the skin from it constantly moving up and down. This is a common complaint. I've tried each of the rings included and I don't find that any of them really work
Starting point is 00:45:56 consistently. My real complaint about the product, didn't you say that twice now? My real complaint about the product is that the two prongs that secure the tube and the ring are very sharp. Same as the last guy. Yeah, you're right. You guys get together and design a better cock cage. Ray engineered this thing.
Starting point is 00:46:12 I think it was manufacturing mistake, but instead of them being round, they're both quite jagged, which means even the smallest contact with my skin feels like needles. Ouch. I tried the recommended strategies to wearing it but when your skin becomes compressed it's inevitable that it will get in the way and pinch. I decided this cage wasn't for me when I noticed a bit of skin breakdown at the base. Ugh from all the pinching with these prongs. I've tried contacting customer service about returning it. No. No sir, that is your cock cage.
Starting point is 00:46:47 You go ahead and put that in your closet. You hung that thing in there, it's for yours forever. Put it on your coffee table. It'll be a fun conversation starter. I don't know what to tell you. I don't care where you, use it to reshape your baseball hats. I don't give a shit. That's all, shove it up your ass for all I care.
Starting point is 00:47:02 It's dick shaped, it'll work. But they simply suggest I'm using it wrong. You're doing it wrong. Wow. Maybe your pussy's not long enough. That's maybe, yeah. Is that possible? Michael One Star, top is extremely rigid.
Starting point is 00:47:21 Use with caution. I've read the reviews before purchase and felt it was at least worth a try. For the cost, it's an extremely well-made product and works well. The major flaws at the top of the rings, they have a rod welded to the rings." And he says the same thing. It's all rigid. He wants the trailer hitch pinned. The best thing is, he says, if they had rounded out the spot effectively creating an arc from the ring to the post, it would have no doubt been more costly to make,
Starting point is 00:47:46 but it would have made it so much better. As it is, I wore it for 19 hours. 19 hours. He wore it from morning to night. Before it's caused a decent size bruise and broke the skin. He's trying to make a callus on here. Yeah. Wow.
Starting point is 00:48:03 If you're into metal work and can round it off, okay. If you're getting, come on. Take it to your nearest blacksmith and he can fix it. Get your fucking, what the fuck is happening right now? Got a local farrier, they can fix it. Those angle saws, he can get it all off there. Then this is a great option for you. Otherwise, I personally can't recommend anyone use it without a redesign
Starting point is 00:48:26 Unbelievable a redesign. Okay Too small is the next one. Okay. Here we go two stars My hope too small is the title of it My hope is that the three options for rings meant it would fit everyone because there's only three dick sizes in the whole world options for rings meant it would fit everyone because there's only three dick sizes in the whole world. Small, medium and large. Makes sense. This is a real Goldilocks.
Starting point is 00:48:47 It's in there exactly that size. You have men only come in three dick sizes. Unfortunately it does not. It took a lot of stuffing to get in the largest ring but it was very tight. Oh, fuck you. A lot of stuffing, you know. Had to get somebody over there, two, three people to get there. Got a shoe horn and a couple of brands.
Starting point is 00:49:04 I had to put somebody over there, two, three people, get their ride to put butter all over it. But it was very tight and I was worried it wouldn't come off if I actually used the device. I ended up removing it immediately to avoid any embarrassing visit to the ER. My cock's too big for this thing. He was soft and couldn't get it in there. How is it embarrassing to walk in somewhere and go, my dick's way too big for this? You guys aren't going to believe this fucking hog.
Starting point is 00:49:30 Yeah. Come on. But also I got this thing in something else. Yeah. Come on. And then when they take it off, go look at it. See it's a hog. You know what I'm saying, right?
Starting point is 00:49:42 The tip usually isn't even that purple. No. This is how you walk out with a date with a nurse if you go to the ER. This is how you start a game show with all the nurses vying for your attention. Yeah, no shit. The dating game. The bachelor. Fuck that, this is called the patient. Yeah. The cage is pretty narrow as well, and it would probably require lube to get it all the way in Okay, he said if it was slightly larger he try again one star way too small While the construction is solid and it looks amazing even the presentation looks killer Yeah, it looks like you're a murderer. That's exactly right perfect
Starting point is 00:50:22 It's too small for his balls balls so he can't go any further. Even at the largest size it won't work because it has to go under his sack. Are you going to stuff your balls in here? Your balls lock it in then. Oh, fuck out of here with that. A ring goes all the way around your balls, the rest of them go around and then it locks. No it doesn't. They got to do. Doesn't for nothing.
Starting point is 00:50:46 Oh my god. Oh man. Next up, don't buy, what is this? Oh, I'm sorry. Don't buy, or doesn't work for sensitive people. One star. By sensitive I mean if you touch your shaft or balls and get
Starting point is 00:51:02 Insta-hard like me, this isn't for you. Oh, this guy. All these guys with their fucking giant cocks that work really well. Jesus Christ. One star, a bit like the movie Saw. Oh, no. There's a key buried in your fucking femur.
Starting point is 00:51:22 Oh, man. This person's fun, too. If you have a. Oh man, this person's fun too. If you have a girth certificate, beware. You asshole. Girth certificate. This product will have you attempting to pull your manhood bit by bit through a narrow metal slinky only to have it refuse to budge halfway down your flagpole. Your girthy flagpole.
Starting point is 00:51:44 Better to go with one that will nestle your jewels and staff in a snug way as opposed to having it squeezed into silly putty by a spiral hot dog slicer. What the fuck. It must be amazing, dude. Why do you need this? If you've got a fucking magical schwantz like that, just fucking dangle that out there. You're going to be fine. People go, oh shit. One star, way too small for an adult, which makes me think they tried
Starting point is 00:52:14 it on a child just to see if that worked, which scares the shit out of me. But on my eight year old, fucking perfect. Perfect. He loved it. The neighbor's kid, it fits even better. He said it was a little uncomfortable playing kickball because he only can play. This toy is way too small for my non-impressive limp member to get into. Would be awesome if it was sized for an adult. John says, one are you better be a four foot midget. Okay. Or what? But he spells it M-I-G-E-T, so it's like midget. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:52:52 A four foot midget. French, French little guy. You better be a small Frenchman, because that's otherwise not gonna work. I thought it would fit my man, he's six foot and very little friend. Ah, this is a lady, right? Or somebody that has a boyfriend. It's John is the name. I don't know. If your man is a five foot or under, don't buy.
Starting point is 00:53:19 But you said you better be small. You want a little guy, right? I guess then it falls off falls off then I don't know I don't know and then finally non-functional Mm-hmm one star defective. It doesn't look like it could be defective. I couldn't fit inside So my penis just smushed inside It probably looks like Jim Carrey with all that tape on his face. Yeah, totally. It's exactly what I thought of.
Starting point is 00:53:48 Thank you. Oh my god, that's fucking hilarious. The tip of it just all kinks. Oh man, that is disturbing. This is fucking hilarious. This is gold. Unbelievable. Went to sleep with it on and it had fallen off.
Starting point is 00:54:01 Oh, I hate when that happens. This should only be purchased if you have below average girth or as a novelty to display because this looks great in your living room for when your family comes over for Thanksgiving. It's perfect. Oh, that in my dentist's office. Yeah, yeah, just hanging from the ceiling. Telling me about the cavities. Let me tell you about something.
Starting point is 00:54:22 By the way, this thing does not fit on my cock. Only if you're a four foot midget. Anyway, back here on your molar. I want him just to tell me about about my cavity and not even acknowledge it. He has a whole selection and eight of them on display. All different colors and sizes. Okay, so that's the dick cage. All right. Yeah. Wow. That is rough, man. You gotta be a small guy to fit in it, evidently. Apparently so, but then it falls off. So I guess you gotta be a medium-sized, perfectly... It's a unicorn dick. It's just a medium-sized... Just the right size, yeah.
Starting point is 00:54:56 Just right. So after that, the trauma of the cock cage... Yeah. I think we could all use a drink after that. What do you say? I'm thirsty. Yeah. Let's go to a bar. Let's do it. We're going to a drink after that. What do you say? I'm thirsty. Let's go to a bar. Let's do it. We're going to a bar in Pittsburgh.
Starting point is 00:55:08 Oh! What's it called? Pittsburgh Bar. We're going to Bar Louie, North Shore. Yeah. Yeah, that's a chain restaurant, so yeah, that's good. Yeah. That's okay.
Starting point is 00:55:18 At least you know what you're getting. 330 North Shore Drive, building 1B, Pittsburgh. And their slogan is, eat, drink, be happy. The tenants of the original Gastro Bar, which means they try to make it half fancy, and that means a hamburger's at least $15.99. That's what that means. Gastro Bar means overpriced hamburger
Starting point is 00:55:38 with grease all over the bun, so it's shiny and will look nice on Instagram. And there's so much mayo on it. And there's tons of mayo. It's not mayo, it's an aioli always with like, you know, but it's just mayonnaise with one drop of other shit mixed in it. Nothing, no.
Starting point is 00:55:53 Yeah, it's got some flakes of green something in it. Oh yeah, yeah, it's a basil infused aioli. Shut the fuck up. Yeah. It's green mayonnaise, stop it. Gastrobar is actually French for overpriced hamburger is really how it works. Yeah. It's ale, it's green mayonnaise. Stop it. Gastrobar is actually French for overpriced hamburger is really how it works. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:56:09 So great drinks, chef-inspired food. Yeah. All right. Well, let's dive in. Inspired. Inspired. There's no chef here, but. That's exactly right. Chef-inspired.
Starting point is 00:56:17 We saw a show one time. We watched some kitchen nightmares and what Gordon Ramsay made looked pretty good. So we had our guy, our 17 year old whip it up in the back here. So we call this shit whatever he called that. Whatever that was. Wanda here gives five stars. So perfect.
Starting point is 00:56:35 Absolutely perfect. And they say my husband and I went here for lunch on Friday and our server, Arika with an A, it's Erica with an A, was amazing. Best service I had in a long time. She was awesome. It's a fucking bar. They ate there. The food was scrumptious.
Starting point is 00:56:54 He had shrimp and grits and I had chicken nachos. Both dishes were delicious. Why are you eating shrimp and grits in Pittsburgh? Shrimp and grits? That's not a Pittsburgh delicacy. No. Pittsburgh has a bunch of stuff that they're famous for, and shrimp and grits aren't. Shrimp and grits? That's not a Pittsburgh delicacy. No. No. Pittsburgh has a bunch of stuff that they're famous for and shrimp and grits aren't one
Starting point is 00:57:09 of them. Get a steelworkers lunch. Don't eat shrimp and grits. Yeah. You're like a Polish dog or something. I don't know. Don't get that. They make good wings down there too.
Starting point is 00:57:18 Yeah, they got great wings. Great wing sauces. I love the food in Pittsburgh. They eat like fucking animals there. Yeah, I've never gotten sick in Pittsburgh. Oh, fuck no. And it's all like nacho cheese and like all this stuff and you feel great afterwards. Everything's always good.
Starting point is 00:57:30 Fuck yeah. They know how to like eat if you don't give a shit about your diet. That's how they make it. They're hardy Midwesterners that consider themselves East Coasters, right? It's very strange, yeah. It's like, no, you live on that side of Amish country.
Starting point is 00:57:43 That's the Midwest. You are so close to Columbus. Yeah, you're right there Next up Amanda five stars. Yeah, it was a super nice day and we sat outside on the patio The food was great. And so are the drinks We had the salmon sliders the beef sliders and the trio of dips the garlic aioli on the salmon dishes What do I say? I knew it, told ya. The garlic, because they fucking,
Starting point is 00:58:10 you'll like the word aioli, so they use it because it's fancy for some reason. The garlic aioli on the salmon dishes, or the salmon sliders was really good, and the bacon jam on the beef sliders was a, just put bacon on a fucking hamburger! Bacon jam. Gastro douches, you fucking assholes.
Starting point is 00:58:28 The bacon marmalade was to die for. Oh, I hate it. Oh, god, call it a chutney, I fucking dare you. I swear to god, call it a bacon chutney so I can beat you to the ground. Just have a cheeseburger, man. Fuck me. Her waitress was Chrissy and she was awesome.
Starting point is 00:58:44 Tater tots were good also. Now I can show you the type of display. Oh boy. Rather than a presentation, this douchebag place, you get a metal tray with like a brown elementary school quality paper towel. Just tater tots poured on it and it looks like somebody you know at prison works in the kitchen and gave you extra. That's what it looks like. They did you a favor. Cooked you up, yeah.
Starting point is 00:59:10 Are those nachos on the other side? What is that? Those are nachos, yeah, from the same hood. That's why, yeah. Round, it's a round fucking metal plate for those two with three dipping sauce. Oh, that's the trio of dips. Queso, salsa, and fucking guac.
Starting point is 00:59:24 The dips trio. Dips. The fuck outta here with that shit. Jesus Christ, that's douchey. And they have it right on the table. Check out our digital menu, which is like again, too. I don't really care, but it's like also, you know, maybe you had me something to look at.
Starting point is 00:59:39 It's enough beyond that. Just give me a fuckin' menu. John with three stars. When I came in on Saturday, the only place to sit was the bar. Okay it's a bar so that's okay. It's called Bar Louie. You had to expect maybe having to come in contact with a bar. And the bars in this place, I've been to one, it's giant and it goes all the way. It's a big circle one. Yeah it's really nice the seating at the bar. I'm sure yeah real nice. The only place to sit was at the bar where there were not one, not two, but three bartenders.
Starting point is 01:00:09 The rice. The rice. Not once, not twice, but thrice. I sat there for 12 minutes and 38 seconds. He looked at his watch. Okay, that tells me that this motherfucker, whenever he goes somewhere, I'm going to see exactly how long this is and times it, which is a huge asshole is what that is. There's someone, they're going out looking to be pissed off.
Starting point is 01:00:31 Did he say what time it was? Saturday is the only time they said. I sat there for 12 minutes and 38 seconds while the first two, a man and a woman, were chatting away. The third bartender was actually working but was putting drinks for servers to take to the tables. That's their job. I tried to get their attention but they paid me no mind. When the girl, I think her name is D or B. Okay. Early alphabet consonant, one of those, I'm not sure. That was, I know it wasn't E or A.
Starting point is 01:01:05 One of the first six. One of the first six. Making the server drinks was done. She came over and got my food and drink. So you're very upset because you sat there for like five extra minutes than what you could expect. Interesting. The food was good, took a little long,
Starting point is 01:01:25 but the drinks were awesome. I never leave reviews, but needed to say something about the fact that the other two people completely ignored me. Or you can just write off an extra seven fucking minutes of your day as shit happens and your food's good and you go home and shut the fuck up. It must be amazing to feel that appreciated
Starting point is 01:01:43 everywhere you go that a 12 minute wait was fucking hell. And 38 seconds, don't forget all those. Here's the other part, it's a bar. And you know what they have at bars, fucking TVs? And sit there and watch it and shut the fuck up. Maybe snacks on the bar too sometimes you get. Wait around, they'll get you, don't worry. Get good and thirsty.
Starting point is 01:02:06 Quan one star. This person has a lot of reviews. Very nice staff, but in all caps, they have flies everywhere. I mean, they did say that they sat outside, so maybe the door's open? Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
Starting point is 01:02:22 They get in, there's food. I have been to many places all over and have never seen flies at the bar. That's a bad sign. That means that their fruit's old more than likely, maybe possibly or something like that. Or their grease traps full. There's a lot of different reasons that these things could be around. But if there's flies, fucking shut the door, man. That'll do it.
Starting point is 01:02:43 I think I may contact the health department. Oh. The staff was saying, she's going far, never mind a review, the staff was saying they are going to quit because the flies kept flying into drinks. Oh. Gross. It was horrible. I wanted to order food but I can only imagine what the kitchen looks like. They probably got rats. Probably. Probably. All sorts of fucking forest animals. Forest creatures. Porter gives one star. One star. Strongly do not recommend. That's all caps by the way. Really laying it out there. Honestly. My experience was beyond disappointing. That means you expected something amazing,
Starting point is 01:03:26 which is weird for a chain bar. Management here, I expect a competently cooked hamburger. That's it. That's all I expect from a chain bar. What do you expect at fucking Chili's, man, or Rock Bottom? Any of these places that are in every strip mall in America, it sucks. Half competently cooked fucking hamburger
Starting point is 01:03:45 with probably soggy fries. Yeah. It's fine. If this location sucks, they'll close it and the other ones are thriving. So who gives a shit? It's whack-a-mole. It's shit bar whack-a-mole.
Starting point is 01:03:55 You'll figure it out. Management here is horrendous. They were unwilling to help and their service was extremely disappointing The food took hours the drinks to hours hours How many hours did it take two hours for food if you sat for two hours? That's on you, man Yeah, I don't believe I would have left a long time ago who waits over 30 minutes to not get fed if you don't get 30 minutes. I'm out. Yeah. Are they like making homemade? I used to go to this Italian place when I was a kid
Starting point is 01:04:28 where it was literally a little old lady in the back would make your pasta to order. I don't mean cook it. I mean fucking make it. Oh, she'd roll the pasta now. Yeah. She'd roll it out. So it took like an hour and a half to get some cavatelli, but it was literally fucking fresh made by an old lady. It was worth it. But the other thing is in those scenarios, they, you know that it's going to take a while and you're having an experience. This is fucking wine. There's all kinds of stuff that's involved in that.
Starting point is 01:04:54 You go to Bar Louie and you sit around for two hours and you don't get fed. You're still there you fucking moron. You have no self-preservation instincts whatsoever. You can go fuck yourself. How much did you pay for your car? I hope it was probably three times the price. There's no way you do anything correct in your life. He bought a Kia for 85 grand and he was like, this is wrong.
Starting point is 01:05:15 I feel like I got ripped off. I'm going to fucking call the ambulance. But it runs and it's fucking great. The food took hours. The drinks took over 30 minutes. What? And most of all, most insulting, the manager wouldn't put any of the NFL football games on Leave dude. Why are you?
Starting point is 01:05:31 This isn't a party like yeah, we were tailgating pre-gaming and watched several tables asked to put the game on but the manager would just walk away Yeah, it's close to the stadium, so they're... This bar hates you, by the way. They probably don't want any more fights that have been going on between people. Steelers fans? Oh dear Christ! You're drinking before you're gonna go drink. Yeah, they're fucking hardcore. I love them, man.
Starting point is 01:06:01 Oh my God. They're good shit. They love that team. If you're thinking about All taken care of now If you're if you're thinking about coming to watch sports here I do not recommend this bar because you're not allowed to watch sports there. That's a good reason Sam here. Yeah one star. I came to pick up an online order seems simple Yeah, the short middle-aged waiter working at first, this is amazing how you just break people down.
Starting point is 01:06:28 Fuck their name. It's that pimple-faced, half-bearded, short middle-aged middle-aged. Fuck, Jesus. I would have stabbed in the gut. Yeah, I'm short and middle-aged now. Fuck, he's probably like 37. He's like, ugh, that's wrong. Short middle-aged fuck working at a chain bar. Working at first told me to wait a couple minutes. I waited 10, 20, 30 minutes. What are you, the fucking count?
Starting point is 01:06:54 10, 20, 30. You waited 30 minutes for an online order? You already paid too. You're fucked. You have to wait for it. He came to me after 30 minutes and said, almost done, and left. I'm almost done, not you. Not you, shift is almost done, I get off at five.
Starting point is 01:07:12 Then I waited another 15 minutes. After 15 minutes, this time I went to him and said, quote, you could have been honest. I can't make money because of you. Oh, because this is a, they're like a door dash person. That's the problem here. In response to what I said, he pushed me in front of everyone. Oh. Yeah, he gets a beef because the guy came up and said, you know, what the fuck, I can't make money because of you. He goes, all right, how about I whip your ass then?
Starting point is 01:07:37 Cursed me and kicked me out of the bar. Get the fuck out. Fuck you, get out. Fuck you, get out. I do not recommend to anyone a business that has disrespectful employees, sees other employees as worthless. Well, you're not an employee. You're an employee of a different company. And you waited 45 minutes. 45 fucking minutes. Okay, we'll do one more and then we will save the rest for next week on all right Frank one star one went to get a table at about two and a half hours after the last sporting event a Ton of empty tables, but I was told there wasn't room and it'd be about an hour wait I think they don't like it when you come in with sports jerseys on they don't want you here. Nope
Starting point is 01:08:21 They're trying to make this not a sports bar and you're like, put the NFL game on, give me nachos and they're like, fuck out of here. We want couples. We only could get this location because all the others were taken. That's it. It's not our fault that the Steelers play right there. We hate you. Also don't buy a bar next to a stadium and then not expect it to be a sports bar.
Starting point is 01:08:41 They're going to make it a sports bar. I'd understand there may be reservations. I didn't make a huge deal about it. I get it was a busy day, so I said to my family that I was surprised because it was emptier than other establishments in the area. I wasn't trying to be rude. Okay. I was just trying to say I was wrong and thinking it may be the fastest option and we may need to go somewhere else. The person at the desk overheard this and decided to say, quote, you're not special. You midget dicked asshole, you're not special. Maybe we shouldn't have come here. This is crazy. You're not special.
Starting point is 01:09:21 They don't like us here. No. I get that I'm not special. This person goes on and say, I get that I'm not special this person goes on and say I get that I'm not special I absolutely under this understand the pressure servers are under but there wasn't any reason to be rude I'll gladly eat somewhere else with a weight so you're out of here all of you in the Richard Mendenhall jerseys yeah if you're leftover Rothfuss burger, eat dicks, go. So there you go everybody, that is your stupid opinions for this week. Be careful everybody, you're all very special. You know what, your cocks deserve to be free. Keep them uncaged and unsheathed and free. Australia, we're sorry for what we did to you there.
Starting point is 01:10:02 We've unleashed the devil on you. We've unleashed and I think you know what you're getting when you enter a dollar general. So that said, thank you so much. Definitely follow on social media. Also, give a review. Five stars. Don't try to be funny, please. It doesn't help at all.
Starting point is 01:10:17 Five stars. Say something nice about the show. Listen to Crime and Sports and Squalltown Murder, our other two shows, which are fucking fantastic. They'll be great. And Shut Up and Give Me Murder is our website. Check all that out, come hang out with us,
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