Your Stupid Opinions - Broken Down Batman, Mud Patch Beach, One Big Sand Trap

Episode Date: June 1, 2026

More of the funniest reviews on the internet! We read reviews for children's party service, where Spiderman may have a mullet, and Moana might try to strangarm you for a tip. A "beach" that is technically near water, but is actually a tiny patch of mud & sticks. A golf course, where they seem to care more about how fast you're playing, than if you're enjoying yourself & much more!!   Join comedians James Pietragallo & Jimmie Whisman as they explore the most opinionated part of the internet: The Reviews Section!   Subscribe, and we will see you every Monday with Your Stupid Opinions!! Dont forget to rate & review!!   Go to shutupandgivememurder.com for merch & more Check out James & Jimmie's other podcasts, Small Town Murder & Crime In Sports on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts!!

Hello, everybody, and welcome back to your stupid opinions. Hey. Thank you so much for joining us today on the show where we hear all the complaints from people that you would never want to talk to about places that you probably don't want to go. That's where we, that's our wheelhouse right there. My name is James Petro Gallo. I'm here with my co-host. I'm Jimmy Wiseman. And again, here we go.

This is going to be a lot of fun. I apologize for my voice. I am sick as hell the last few days. This is the time of year. Nothing I can do about it. But we are going to have so much fun, I won't even remember. I'm sick. So it's all good.

Right here. Middle of May, right in the heart of cold and flusies. How we do it. I don't get it. But here we are anyway. So head over to shut up and give me murder.com. All the merchandise is there. All the tickets to Small Town Murder live shows.

And hey, by the way, listen to Small Town Murder, or you can watch it on Netflix. And also listen to crime and sports while you're at it. So that said, we're heading back to Lincoln, Nebraska. All right. Something I promised myself I would never say, and here we are, doing it again. We're going to the IHOP in Lincoln, Nebraska again. We had a few reviews at the end of last show. I think we did like three, four of them real quick just to get in the door.

This was the place that the bathroom door was like kicked in, and they had the duct tape. They duct tape the thing. It was a fucking mess. And a lady got the shits because she ate an omelet with all meat. She got one too many meats in her omelet and really, really insickened herself. So here is Sabrina with one star. Now there's a picture posted here of the seat, like the bench, like the, you know, like the boot seat that she's sitting in.

And it is just worn through. Is it duct taped? No, not even. Oh, okay. They could show a little respect and slap some duct tape on this shit because. It's so worn that it's not even torn. There's just no material in part of it. It's right to the foam because it's just been worn off.

I mean, that happens in a car seat after the car is about 30 years old. It's going to say, what, 700,000 miles? Yeah. But that car's bouncing down the road. This doesn't even move anywhere. No, I mean, I get the fat people that go to I hops in on these things. Sliding in and out. Not that I, that's bad.

I go to eye hop too. I don't care. Every once a while. Years of. You want an IHOP. Have you slide? I'd say every seven to eight years, you need to replace those boots, IHOP, or at least refurnished them or re-apulster them.

So Sabrina, one star, we have came twice. Oh, that's good for you. Good for you. Good for you, sweetheart. Both of you got out twice? That's impressive. I'd call that a very successful marriage. It's a good time.

All right. Next review. No, okay. Yeah. And every time there is one server and the food isn't good. Why the fuck did you go the second time? Well, I guess one time you go, maybe it was a good. Maybe it was bad.

Maybe it was just we got them on a bad bag. Maybe a bunch of people called in sick. Maybe it was in May, hard of the flu season. Unless I get really sick or the place is really sucks, I'll usually give places a second chance, just in case. You know, you never know. This place needs updated, cleaned, and or closed until they have enough workers. That helps. Close it if you can't do it.

It's not an I-Hop. Yeah, if you don't have the employees for it, it isn't an I-HOP. It's just some weird building that you have pancake batter in the back. of. That's it. We sat there at a booth that the seat was torn and had a hole in it, as we described before. It's, it's dirty here. It's dirty. It sounds like you're getting like, it's like from a hostage thing. Like, how are you? It's dirty here. Buffalo Bill has kept me in his hole for a while. It's dirty down here. We watched three tables get up and leave. Worse, not worst, worst, worse, I-hop experience. That's, that's, that's. That's. That's.

That's the, you know what, that is the whipped cream and cherry on top of my pancake stack right there is worse IHOP experience. Tremendous. Tremendous shit. Okay, moving on to Dylan, one star. Food was cold when it arrived. Waiters seemed to be under the influence of some kind of narcotic. Probably. Yeah, the reason for that is because they are.

To work at IHOP, you need to be on something. Just to get through your day, I would imagine. Well, they're here because everywhere else drug tests. Yeah, that's what the restaurant industry is. Yeah. I mean, I've worked, I've waited tables for years. It's foreign. There was not, I'd say, 80% of the employees I worked with offered me Coke at some point.

So that tells you a lot. You know what I mean? Or they tell you where they're going with it and you're invited. That's what I mean. Yeah, you coming? No, I'm good. You're bringing it. You come too.

Yeah. I mean, I was like considered real, all you do is smoke weed. You're lame. Like, you know, we're going to drink and do coke after our. shift. That's all right. Somebody grabs some of the spoons. Oh, man. We're going to bend those and cook.

Oh, unlimited spoons. That's why we work here. All the free spoons. That's why we're here. All the free spoons. Perks and benefits. Yep. I'm pretty sure the butter that was supposed to be on my pancakes had slid onto the floor somewhere and not once came to refill the drinks.

So they had like a butter pat sliding thing, but there's no butter pat. It does sound funny the way they were. It seems like the butter ran off and wouldn't refill my drinks. Well, there's a picture of it, and it's clearly what happened. There's a butter, like a good butter thing. Then you see like a snail trail of butter. Yeah. And then it sat on the edge for a second, too, because there's a bunch there

before it finally just gave up and fell off the edge of the pancake. It's pretty funny, actually. That's pretty good. I got to make sure to put that one on social media. Okay. One star here from Ellie. I used to go here pretty often, but the last multiple times I've gotten bad service. Waitress complaining about us only giving a $5 tip when she ignored us the entire night.

Last night I ordered $15 worth of food, and my first receipt said that, but the receipt they gave you after paying with card said $40. I was a little drunk and didn't realize it until it was too late. Well, yeah, that's IHop. There you go. I just found out that IHop is open at night. Oh, yeah. This is the Waffle House for Snobbs. That's what this is.

Is that right? Yeah, this is like, this is Waffle House for like college kids. Like, that aren't physically formidable enough to go to the Waffle House at 2 in the morning because they might get beat up by a trucker. They come here. You're dropped by the fry cook. Fuck a trucker. By the female fry cook, as we found out from Waffle House a few weeks ago. I didn't know that they had anything beyond breakfast on.

If you're in an IHop post 10 a.m., get your shit together, man. Get it together. Yeah, they have everything in IHop. They think they're a restaurant. It's cute. It's cute over there. They think they can serve fucking hamburgers? They think that beef will slide out of this joint.

Oh, man. They have like ribs on the menu and shit. Like, they're out of our minds. I'm pretty sure they do. They have shit like that. They have like, you can get like a salmon filet there or something. Like, it's very weird. I'm telling you, dude.

You can get like a grilled salmon from there. That's unbelievable. They've all gotten a little. Would you like pancakes with that? Red Robin has that now. You can get a fillet of salmon and rice and vegetables at Red Robin. That's absurd. That's absurd.

Look at Red Robin's menu now. They have things on there. They're like $28. No. They have like $28 entree. It's like, no. This is fucking Red Robin.

Unlimited fries. What are we doing? Where does IHop get off doing a Philly cheese steak? That's what I mean. They're all way above their station at this point in time. Way above their station. This is. This is crazy.

This is like a hideous. They better not have ribs. I swear to fuck steak burgers. Okay. That's, yeah, I can see it. It's a cheeseburger, whatever. That's fine. Yeah.

But, I mean, steak tips. Are you out of your fucking mind? Steak tips. This is crazy. My mind is, consider it blown, James. I'm going to look at Red Robbins menu and see if they have goddamn salmon. Every once in a while, we'll order it when we're in the mood for the fries. And you got salmon on the menu.

Looking through the menu, I'm like, they are nuts now. There's all sorts of, like, entrees now. Hand-cut steaks. Steaks. salmon. And they're like $28.30, too. Like, this is not a fast food restaurant anymore. Oh, they own the Sizzler now. Well, then. Well, I expect that taco meat with corn in it then, if that's what they have. Oh, that's what happened. I went to the Red Robin menu, and it took me to Sizzler's menu. Why did it do that?

Oh, my goodness. Red Robin full menu. There it is. All right. Yeah, they have, it's wild. I know this has nothing to do with what we're talking about, but it's really intriguing to us. Koso? Where do they get off with Koso? I'm telling you, it makes none of this shit makes any fucking sense. Where is it? Triple S riblets. Riblets. No, they have fucking ribs. They have Wow, I'm telling you.

This is stunning. Yeah, they go all out now. They have the Reds Nantucket seafood scatter? Not a platter. A scatter, James. They have riblets and clucks. Yeah, yeah, clucks and shrimp. This is unbelievable. How crazy is that, man.

They shouldn't be. Arctic cod sand, which, okay, yeah, I guess that's because of sandwiches. I mean, McDonald's has a fish sandwich. That's fine. But they definitely... Hand bites. But yeah, that's... They definitely shouldn't have salmon.

This is the blacken salmon. Atlantic salmon filet come seasoned and Cajian spices. Huh? That's unbelievable. Red Robin. They have like a rack of ribs at Red Lobin. Yeah. Ribs, a rack.

That's absurd. Whiskey river barbecue ribs. Half rack of savor of saucy St. Louis-style pork ribs. What? It's red rotten. I don't want that. The ensanada chicken platter. Yeah, terriaki salmon, Santa Fe salmon, all sorts of salmons.

What the fuck is going on? I don't know. And if you can't do that, James, they got the clam diggers clam chowder. Of course. Of course, they too. Yeah. All right, all right. We'll get back to IHOP here.

Well, we got off the, it needed to go off course. there. It really did. Yeah, you don't have... This was insane. You don't have this menu at IHop. That's crazy. No. And even worse at Red Robin, because that's not even a fucking sit-down place.

You know, in my brain, I know it is. But Greg, one star. First Ratress was apparently getting off. Well, everybody's coming in this place. That's nice. This place is so warm. We got to go here. Seem nice and friendly.

I guess so, yeah. I would be friendly at that point, too. The rest of the crew just stares at everyone coming in the door. second waitress was rushy. I've never seen that word before. Rushy. Rushy? Pushy?

Rushing you. Rushing. Rushing, even though she said she wasn't trying to rush. So he meant to say rushy, not pushy. I'm not trying to rush, but get the fuck out of here. Her perfume, oh my, could smell a way away so strong gave me a headache. Could smell a way away away. A ways, I think a ways is what they were going for.

Or a mile. Either way. Yeah, bathroom was immaculate. We've seen the bathroom. It's not immaculate. It's all busted up. That tells me the ladies, oh, this is the men's room. The men's room is immaculate, apparently.

What are you used to? Looks like a higher-end bathroom, a place you want to visit. That's what it says. A place you'll want to visit. You want to go hang out in the IHop bathroom. That's where I want to hang out. The guy in there that hands you your paper towel is very kind. Oh, yeah.

Well, you give him an extra buck. He's got condoms and cologne and shit for you. Fruces up your clone. Jesus Christ. Let's see. So higher-end bathroom. It's just too bad the service and food didn't hold up to the looks of the place. He was impressed with the aesthetics of the eye hop, but not with the food.

He went to take a piss and was like, we're going to get good service around here. Wow, this is, that chandelier is. It's even sparkling. It's high end. It's up and shined it up. Food sat in the windows at least five minutes. Everything was cold except the sausages and coffee, right, which was stronger than most places, but wasn't fresh. Tasted a little stale, maybe even burnt, question mark?

Burnt coffee or burnt sausages? I think, probably both. Both, man, maybe both. The only thing that was actually cooked or tasted right was the sausage links. And I don't eat sausage, such a sad experience. Well, how hell did you know it tasted right then? What is wrong with you? All right.

And he puts food, two, service one, atmosphere three. The atmosphere. The bathroom makes up for a lot of things. Okay, Mark one star. My server was spectacular. That's my praise. And this review is not a reflection of her service. Oh, okay.

She was great, but I saw another server grab an ice cube out of a customer's glass, put it in his mouth, then put it back in the glass. No, he didn't. No, come on. Who would do that? The people do that? That's horrifying. I hope you didn't see that. Wow.

Then what did that customer do to deserve that? Well, it gets better. All right. It gets, yeah, this might have been payback for something. When I called them out for it, mind your own business, okay? Do you put that in your mouth? Tell the customers, don't start a fight with the waiter. Now he's going to fucking spit out your ice cube, too.

You don't want that. When I called him out for it, he came to my table with a threatening attitude. I went outside and told the other members of my party that I wanted my order to go and that I was not going back inside. He was afraid of the waiter. As I was waiting for my friends and my order, he and another employee felt the need to come outside and confront me even more. Hey, motherfucker. All I wanted was my food, but they seemed intent on making a point or asserting their dominance by telling me they had done 10 years in prison. Oh my God.

I've done time to the joint and I don't give a fuck about going back. What's up? They pulled that. Oh, man. That is amazing. I think I'm scared of getting arrested. I've been to prison. I've been to prison.

I've got to prison. I've got to 10 years. Yeah. You can call my P.O. right now, motherfucker. What's up? I got out, didn't recognize my family. I'm not scared of you. Nope.

My kid had a kid of her own when I got to. out. This was the absolute worst dining experience I've ever had in my 52 years on this earth. You're probably never threatened to get the shit beaten out of you by two felons in any other restaurant. Yeah, servers never told me. I've been to jail and I'll go back. I've never had a server be like, what's up, motherfucker?

I've been to prison. I don't give a shit. I never had that happen. That tells me that what he thinks he saw he didn't see. You know what I mean? I think the server was like, why are you lying on me, bitch? I didn't do nothing. But I will beat your ass.

Or he's just not having anybody's bullshit. Doesn't care. Susan, this one's kind of sad. Just the first line. We were out of town and in search of a place to have a Thanksgiving meal. Oh, no. And this is what you've chosen. The I-Hop.

Was Longhorn Steakhouse packed? It must have been. Hey, that's way better than this. That's what I mean. That's a whole other stratosphere. How did you land here? Wow. The food was okay, but the service was the worst.

Well, yeah, they're working on Thanksgiving. They're not thrilled. Our server who conveniently wasn't wearing a name tag had the worst attitude. I love that. I love that, too. At first, I thought it might be due to a large group next to us that she was serving as well. However, the final straw for me was when she threw my son's plate on the table in front of him and then walked away while mumbling to let her know if we needed anything else.

Let me know if you need anything else. Yeah. Yeah, I'm not seeing my children on Thanksgiving. Let me know if you need anything else. Glad you're enjoying your family time. She did not come back to check on us after that. I eventually had to find another server just so we could get our check and leave. I made sure she understood exactly why we were upset with the level of service she provided.

I will not be back. They gave the food and atmosphere a four out of five. Really? But the one for the service. Um, Eish. Okay, Jackal and one star.

It suck. Huh. It suck, man. I order the sirloin tips and eggs. Oh, there's a first stick. That's a mistake. When I tasted the sirloin, it was sweet and tough. Hey, you're ordering steak and I hop.

Sweet? It's probably marinated in fucking maple syrup. That's why. Yeah. What are you doing? This isn't a... That is a problem. If there's so much pancakes here that it's bleeding onto the steak.

onto the steak. Wow. I told the waitress when she asked, how is everything? Like she really cared. She has to ask. She states, yeah, they're sweet. It's terriaki sauce they use.

And eggs? That's what we call it. It's the blueberry and strawberry mixed together. It's just jelly that gets on there. Then goes on to tell me she was not aware of this either and that she did not care for them when she tried them. Like, yeah, I think they're gross too. Yeah.

Okay. Are you going to offer to replace them? No, she did not. So, do you really care how the food was? Probably not. You don't even care. Why jazz? I wasted 1399.

Never again. Wow. Oh, and how come ice water does not come as a given on the table? No water. Wow. I think you've got to ask for that. Maybe you've got to ask for. I don't know.

Okay, I love this one here. Chad, again, a grown man named Chad. Chad, one star. Worst experience to date. I guess ever. Waitress Dawn was extremely high on crack. We tested her at the table. I like the other one.

Seems to be on some sort of narcotic. This one, that's crack, and she's real high. I can recognize crack. I know crack when I see it. This is not biased judgment or degradation. This comes of sitting with a 15-year trained counselor in the field of addiction. They had an addiction counselor. Oh, I know crack when I see it.

Yeah, I'm missing teeth. Some of those are broken off at the gum line. She's itching a lot. Dilated pupils. They are really moving. Yeah. Look at her. By the way.

They have copper in their pockets. By the way, she just went from the table to the kitchen six times in about eight seconds, which is pretty impressive. That was good. Bouncing, fidgeting, spacey the entire time, telling us stories that made no sense. Yeah, could be meth. Meth, crack, one of the two. Forgot half of what we ordered. Forgot multiple things.

not only once but twice after being asked again. Wish I had video evidence of what took place. Won't visit again. Did she ask for her tip up front? That's crack, I think. Hey, you guys, plan on tipping in cash at all? You know, if you do it, like, do it up front. There's like a guy I want to talk to and like, you know,

I can owe him some money and it's just scratching. Tell you what, you can just put the tip on the end of the table, and then I will make sure that I earn exactly that much money. I'll give you that much service. Whatever you give me, I'll give you that much service, and I'll give it to you right now. Also, a blowjob. Do you want a blow job?

How much? Okay. If you double, I'll give you a blow job. I need it quick. The guy in the alley's about to leave. He's got to get out there. He's got shit to do. Omar, one star.

My cup had crusty lipstick on it. Gross. Yeah, that is wild. That's disgusting. The table wasn't clean properly and the food was barely worth eating. The waitress was the only good thing. She must have scored him some crack. That's good.

But not enough to keep me coming. Oh, well. Everybody's coming here. She was fine, but I didn't come. No more I hop on 27th for this guy. Yeah. Okay. It was two thumbs and not coming back to it.

I hop on 27. This guy ain't coming back. Who's got two thumbs and ain't going eye up on 27? This guy. Okay. Amanda, one star. Went to this location a couple days ago. The server, Chloe, treated my table very poorly.

Uh-huh. My boyfriend asked for a soda water, and she asked, What kind of human are you? Ah! Why you want that, motherfucker? You're a very fascinating human being. Wow. Why don't you just let me hit the button that says Sprite, you idiot?

How about that? Same shit, a little more sugar. She asked if I wanted an iced coffee, and I said I didn't want coffee today. She proceeded to ask, what kind of white girl are you? I think she's trying to have some fun, is what this is. She's very funny. I think she's just trying to have some fun with you guys. Yeah.

What kind of human are you? What kind of? This is this, I consider this a charming sass. Yeah. I don't mind this. I pegged you as a latte, bitch. What kind of white girl are you?

Look at you, you simple, basic ass bitch. I would, it's fine. She also called my boyfriend a psychopath. Probably ingest. Yeah, but he ordered a soda water at IHop. What do you think this is? Yeah, I don't like sugar, but then bring over all the syrups and jellies that are going going to go on all the shit I order.

We don't have salt in San Pellagrino here. It's eye hop. It's eye hop. A lot more happened, and I have never had this bad of an experience before. Well, your life has been pretty fucking easy then. You never had somebody...

That one sounds like a part of... Go to a couple diners in New York. Don't. You will get that shit washed right over you. That's how all the servers are. They have personality, and they break your balls, and you break balls back, and it's fine.

They're going to call you some homosexual slurs when you order that soda water. Yeah, exactly. And you've got to take that shit on the gin. Yeah, you think you're going to call you a human? Uh-uh. What kind of are you is going to... Can I bring you back like a guy with a big dick, too?

Yeah. What do you need that for? You got to wash the dick out your mouth? What's that? You want some knee pads with that or what? I got it. Angie one star. If I could give zero stars, I won!

Angie, you nailed it. Good for you, Angie. I believe you. matter what you say. This place is so unorganized. We stood in line for 10 minutes and they didn't even know no one was being helped. Oof, that's all NOs, by the way. They didn't even

know. That's supposed to be K&OW. They didn't even know, comma, no one was being helped. Like, they didn't even notice us, I think is what she was saying. We finally got seated and sat for 20 minutes. Meanwhile, they sat a table of eight next to us and took their order right away. We got up and left. You guys are horrible. It suck.

And then I love this one. Anna, one star. Nope. Nope. Nope. That's the first sentence. I thought I'd give it a shot with my kids. Dot, dot, dot.

Nope. Whoops. Again. Everything, period. She has lost her mind. Every fucking thing. Nope. Period.

The decor is, all caps, horrible. I don't really go to an eye hop for the decor. Really. I mean, most IHops and Denny's and just those, I mean, Waffle House, forget. That's the worst decor on the planet. And they don't do it on, they do it because nobody gives a fuck. They do it. Denny's still has like 80s like swiggles and shit in there.

Beyond and squiggles. I feel like the Waffle House, if you look closely, it's probably disguised with something. I feel like the floor is probably slant slightly toward the middle and there's a drain in it. So they can just come in and hose the place down every five three weeks or something. The blood, a couple of teeth off of there, the grease, everything just comes down. If you walk into a high pressure. Oh, a waffle house and the floor is not just diamond plate. You've won.

It's a pretty nice plates. You win, God damn it. The decor is horrible and the food is worse. The server was all by herself as a waitress, poor woman. She did a, but she did amazing. But overall, nope. Maybe she was the one. That's why she takes.

That's why she smokes crack before her ship. She's got to cover it all on her own. Okay. Then last one here. Evie, one star. Not even worth one star. I'll even give you that one. That's fine.

We waited over 30 minutes of food. I think four is what you're looking for. They forgot an order completely. Messed you the other two orders when we sent back a plate of uncooked hash browns. When we got them back, they had some sort of cleaner on them, all caps. So nope. The minute you put them in your mouth, now we're into a mixture of caps and non-caps. It burned.

It instantly burned. Oh, God, they got ammonia on it. Oh, that sounds horrifying. Okay. I got a, that's a lot. That's a noop. I'm all sticky. You know what I mean?

I understand the lady saying nope so many times. Imagine that, though. You go, we'll have these drinks. They come back all different drinks. You're like, nope, that ain't it. And then you, you order food. They bring you two of the four. and they have cleaner on them.

No, you've missed. Raw hash browns. Yeah, we will be leaving now. Hey, everybody, just going to take a quick break from the show and tell you how to dress better for less and just feel great with quince. Quince.com, Q-U-I-N-C-E.com. You know, it quince is the best, by the way.

It's the place I start and finish my clothes shopping. I love quince. The deals that you get are amazing. The quality is the, that's the most amazing thing. And then you see the price, you're like, No. And it's true. It's just so good. Summer always changes how we dress and how you dress. You know, you want pieces that feel lighter, more breathable, things that are easy, but still put together. You don't want to look awful. You know what I mean? You want to look good. That's why we keep coming back to quince. It's their focus on high quality essentials that feel and look amazing. Think breathable linen and soft organic cotton. Well-made basics, but without the luxury markup. It's a rare balance where everything feels elevated, but effortless. That's how you want to be. You want to be elevated but effortless.

Quince has European linen pants and shirts that are the perfect warm weather upgrade to add to your rotation, starting at just $34. And Jimmy is going to jump on and get more because he loves those pants he got already. And their T shirts are soft, their T's are real soft, easy to wear. Their lightweight cotton sweaters are perfect for cooler summer nights. Everything at Quince is priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands. You go, how do they do that? Real easy. They work directly with ethical factories and companies.

cut out the middlemen so you're paying for quality, not brand markup. That's what it's all about right there. Put your money where it is, and that's with the actual quality things that you're getting. And Quince goes beyond clothing, too, way beyond clothing. They have custom-apulstered sofas, ceramic cookware, premium betting. It's the kind of brand that you're going to end up recommending to everyone for everything. I can't tell you how many people I've said, you got to go to Quince. Someone said, hey, that's a nice shirt.

And I go, Quince, and I'll tell them the price. And they go, really? I'm going to feel it. Look, that. They're like, oh, that's quality. I know. It's quince. It's great.

It's that they have there. They're so good. I'm going to love this stuff. Elevate your summer wardrobe. Go to quince.com slash your stupid opinions for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. And 365-day returns now available in Canada, too. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com slash your stupid opinions for free shipping and 365-day returns. Quince.com slash your stupid opinions.

Now back to the show. So let's head to somewhere to the beach. Oh, I love the beach. Sort of. This is kind of a beach, I guess you can say. This is a fucking Alabama Gulf Coast? No, it's called Carland Beach. We only have a few.

We're only going to do a few. It's kind of a brief one, but it's so funny because it's called a beach, but there is no beach. There's no sand. There's like a little, like a little platform with some driftwood on it. That's the beach. It's the saddest thing. thing ever. It's in Toledo. The beach... Oh, it's on the lake?

In Toledo, Ohio. Wait, is Toledo on the lake? It's not on that lake. It's not the Cleveland Lake. It's a different lake, I think, right? It's not Lake Erie. Right. I think it's... I think it's... Toledo's landlocked, isn't it? Isn't it like inland? Yeah, I thought so, but it's got to have a beach. It's got to have a lake because here's the beach. Anyway, this place has 2.9 stars.

Wow. Which is not good. There is a five-star review from Vicky, five stars. This place was awesome. My sister and I had a blast exploring it. Was really beautiful. It's true there was no beach, but the driftwood was spectacular. There is no beach. It's fucking insane.

It's just some rocks and some driftwood. Is it on a river? There's a big river there, right? Maybe that's what it is. I'm not sure exactly what it's just, I. Carlin Beach. I'm looking at the fucking map. Oh, it's way up.

Okay, it's up in Ohio to the, it's near the lake. Okay. And a river runs through. The river runs through it, doesn't, Jimmy. Okay. Here's Bree one star. Disgusting. They really call this a beach.

It's dirtier than Mommy Bay, M-A-U-M-E-E-E-Bay. That's got to be the river that runs through it. Okay. I think that's the river. Yeah. It's dirtier than that and almost no sand. This should be renamed because it's not a beach. Right.

That's fair. What is it? Denise, one star, I couldn't find access to the beach. No, you did. I couldn't find it. You found it. It's just not a beach. That's the best part of it.

I couldn't even find it. I don't know. I mean, my map said I was on it, but I didn't think, you know. It was in the middle of a field. There's some driftwood. It's weird. Then Gregory, one star, these reviews are fake. There's no beach.

It's a rocky... There's no beach. Who did this? This whole thing's a prank. This is crazy. It's a rocky shore on top of a levee. Oh, lovely. That sounds.

Oh, it's the levee for the river. It's not even a natural... No. It's literally just some rocks on top of the levee where driftwood comes. And they call that the beach. The beach. That's why it has less than three stars. The driftwood got beached.

You can call that beached, right? Yeah. That's beach. There you go. It drifted and then was no longer drifting. Yeah. So it's a rocky shore on top of a levee. A nearby resident flies a large Confederate flag in their front lawn.

Just for aesthetics. You know, just to make the beach feel even more beachy. One of the most northern points of America. Yeah, Ohio is spotty though. It's a fucking bad. It's an interesting place. Surrounding neighborhood and town was pleasant otherwise. Okay.

Yeah, there's no beach. They're trying to lure you in. Yeah, that's so funny. Mary, one star, this is great. Despite being a place where land meets water, it is not a beach. I mean, you'd call a beach the place where land meets water. That's the definition. But this isn't that.

But there is no actual beach here to speak of. That's fucking funny. Andrew, one star, neighbor on end is clearing out the area for his own personal use and ruining it. Otherwise, we absolutely love it. So somebody can own this area? I don't have no fucking idea what's going on.

I'm telling you, it's some dirt with some rocks, and it's just all wood. Like, you can't even walk on there because it's just some tons of shit has drifted onto it. And the people saying, I had fun exploring it.

It would take, I'm looking at this, it's like 30 feet by 30 feet. Jesus. Of mud and wood and some rocks and overgrown grass. It's not good. Caesery, one star, L.O.L. They call it a beach.

Did you say Cesarie? Cesarie. Cesari, one of those. One star, L-O-L, they call it a beach. That's the whole review. L-O-L. Pretty funny. Sart is not impressed.

And then finally, Sajor, whoa, sejured, one star. No beach to be found. Okay. I don't think. There's a beach here. There's no beach here. So we tried to go to IHop.

That didn't work out. We had ammonia hash browns and the crack was good. But other than that. Solid crack. I'm up. I tell you that much. Then we tried to go to the beach. No luck there.

Can't find it. Can't find it. So let's have a party and have the entertainment come to us. What do you say? Now, we did this. No, no. We did this a couple years ago, the same site. And I've kept it up just because I'm like, I'm going to wait a couple more years.

Oh, great. build up because they were awesome. Clowns.com. Oh, yes, where they come to your house. They come to your house. The Buzz Light Ear with the gut hanging out and the ass crack. That was from this. Was there a bad

Mickey or something like that? A terrible Mickey also, like the ears all fucking had like cauliflower ears and shit. It wasn't good. It was a bad Mickey. This place is in Elmont, New York. Yeah. That's right. That's like a Mario

Brothers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Professional family own company providing performers for kids parties, 200 Mietam Avenue, Elmont, New York. It has 4.8 stars on Google out of 40. Are they unlicensed ones? Is that what? I don't know. I don't think they have like the trade rights to be Buzz Lightyear.

I don't think Disney's signing off on Pixar's like, yeah, you got this. I don't think that's after that. Or the right size. Or the right size. It's probably, you know, they have a few guys and then you have to pick up the Buzz uniform. You grab the Spider-Man and head off to this party. So out of 4,200 reviews, though, it's got 4.8 stars.

God damn. But apparently from all the bad reviews, like, while the performers are there, they harangue to put five stars on the spot. Like, during the party, like, in front of them. Is it because of us? And a lot of the complaints are very similar as far as they didn't show up. I left those out because a lot of them are like, booked them a month in advance, sat here with a room full of fucking four-year-olds waiting for this shit. paid money, did all this shit. They never showed up.

Just never showed up. I tried to call, left a message, never called me back, just never showed up. Or like the performer had a flat tire, so they're not coming. And that's it. You're just, that's, your party's fucked. All right, let's get into this. Five stars from Mintra. And Mintra has a picture of a little girl and a princess dress holding a balloon animal that's been twisted.

And there's a guy in a clown outfit and he's twisting shit. Great. And it's five stars. Claire and Jesse was absolutely amazing at my daughter's sixth birthday party. They was. They was amazing. Let me tell you. From start to finish, they were professional, engaging, and so great with the kids.

Every single child was laughing, participating, and completely entertained the entire time. The energy they brought was fun, but organized. This wild shit here. And they knew exactly how to keep a group of excited six-year-olds, focused and happy. The face painting and ball and balloon creations were a huge hit. And the performance had both kids and adults smiling the whole time. The performance. They've got an act.

It's that whole thing. They truly made my daughter feel so special on her big day. And as a parent, that meant everything. I couldn't have asked for a better experience. Highly recommend clowns entertainment for any birthday party or event. They made our celebration unforgettable. We should start doing birthdays, James. This sounds like that.

So easy. For kids? Hey kids. All right. So they find this torso in a bush. It's got no fucking head, kids. I mean, no head, no arms. No, no fucking legs.

So obviously fingerprints and dental records are out here. We're going to have to go by DNA Kodas database. Kids, you're following me? Everybody listening to this. You guys ready for food? Head on out to the grill where Jimmy is grilling groundhog. Jimmy's got groundhog for breakfast. Come on back.

No, come back. It's story time with James. Come on back, kids. No, come on back. There's one about a guy who, he had a BDSM dungeon in his basement. And, yeah, no, no, it's good. You want to hear it. And then he killed his wife and pretend.

Yeah. You're going to love this one. Do you know the ABCs? Can you say BDSM? BDSM? Those are different letters. Do you know where they go in the alphabet? Can you place them?

Come on, kids. We're going to show you the rope track. Oh, we're going to do it. That's crazy. Oh, my God. Malika, one star. If there was a zero star, I would give it. I was.

Awful and dirty. I invited them for my kids' birthday party last year, and they'd done a great job. They'd done a great job last year. So, for this year, I also decided to have them over for my kids' birthday party. Regretful decision ever, in parentheses, ever, okay? Even though the staff did their best with the entertainment, their clothes and equipments were awfully dirty. $400 plus $50 tip for one hour of entertainment.

Keep in mind, they couldn't even laundry their clothes before coming. There's a picture of this ratty-ass. This is a pretty janky spider-man. I got to be... It's a spider-man. He's got, like, around you. It's got, like, the screen things. There's, like, holes in the corner of that.

No, you can't have a torn mask. In the back. Of the mask between the mask and the, no, he's got like a bunch of hair coming out. No! Like an NFL player with, you know, hair coming out of the back of the helmet. That's what they look like, but it's Spider-Man. That doesn't work, right? Yeah.

That's not right, right? Are they braids or is it like a ponytail? No, it's like a curly, like a curly mullet out of the back. No, blonde, blonde, but blonde. Spider-Man. Got them mullet. London Curley. Everyone knows that.

Oh, man. The guests in my party were laughing and making jokes about a cheap entertainment I have ordered. They're making fun of you for it. $600 buried in this shit. No shit. $450 already. I have ordered due to the dirt of the customs, Kigas costumes, and the dirt of the equipment.

Some kids' parents told them not to approach the staff due to the unsanitary look. Stay away from Spider-Man kids. Spider Man's gonna give you crab. Stay away from Spider Man. Spider Man's got bed bucks. Oh my God. Tor mask?

Are you shitting me? And it's like crooked too. Like one of the eyes is higher than the other. Like he didn't put it on right. So like the nose looks all off and shit. It just looks all off, dude. It's all. Like his victim clawed his face.

Yeah. Like someone tried to like. to like he was strangling someone. He's got to straighten himself back out again. When I tried to contact customer service, they replied with, okay, anything else you want? Okay. Yeah, for my money back. Yeah.

I also ordered the Spider-Man. The eyes of the custom was cricket? Costume or crooked? Crooked, there you go. And also the hair of the person who was wearing the custom. They think costume was custom. sticking out. And they think Crooked is spelled cricket.

Yep. The custom was falling apart. Yep. And it had so many holes in it. It's not like it's free service. The customs are mad cheap at Party City or any online shops. Mad cheap. We'll never order from this service again.

And I advise people to do the same. And then it says the staff tried their best to entertain, but the clothes they were wearing and equipment they were using was so filthy and dirty, very disgusted. That is fucking awesome. Oh, my God. Oh, imagine you got any fucking character to show up and they're just dirty. Dirty holes, fucking hair coming out the back of the costume.

Come on, man. You're not even dressed yet, sir. What the fuck, dude? Get it together. It's a real shitty Spider-Man. It really is. Come on, Spider-Man, you're better than that. You're better than that, homie.

I'll post it on social media that picture, too. Meggie, one star. Meggy, yeah. I don't recommend it. They are charging extra money when they arrived. Oh, they want the tip up front. Yeah, that's what they do, too. They want the tip up front.

Mickey Mouse character was like a freezing person. How fuck does that mean? I don't have a cold. They come in shivering. It's cold out there. Do you mean a homeless guy? I don't know. I can't even, I can't even begin to fathom.

This person's so progressive. They don't even say unhapperson. they say a freezing person. Freezing person. Yeah. A guy with no heat. A freezing person. Homeless Mickey rolled on in here.

Oh my God. This is amazing. My daughter birthday was not funny at all. It sounds hilarious. It sounds great to me. Don't loose your money with them. Don't lose it. It's loose.

Very expensive. Yeah. Yeah. Julia One Star. using real life animals for the sake of entertaining children, really? Yeah. Especially a prey animal, rabbit, in parentheses. What do you, what do you, would you get a magician?

Well, I think one that gets stressed from just a few loud noises. Couldn't have used a puppy or something. How about hell you getting puppies all the time for this shit? We got a puppy bin that we big into. Can you get a lab rat with ears growing off its back or something? This rabbit must have rapid fire shit all over their living or something. I'm sure. This is genuinely sad.

Yeah. So they're sad they are using rat. They have a rabbit show where you just, the kids can look at the rabbits and pet up and shit. In Valise, one star, disappointed, expected better from this company. I paid close to $400 for an hour of entertainment. That seems to be the rate. It's about $400.

They arrived an hour and 20 minutes late and only stayed 40 minutes. It's like therapy. you don't get the full hour. You know what I mean? They're like, well, we got to. It seems like if you get a heartbeat, anything with a heartbeat, it's $400 an hour. It's $400 and it's it's what an electrician costs. Everybody.

My friend tried to hire a beer donkey for his daughter's graduation party that you put bags on its sides that are full of ice. And then the donkey just wanders around the party bringing beers around. And you just grab a beer off the donkey. $400 an hour. $400. He goes, oh, I'm not doing that. No, that's too expensive. Nobody wants that.

Just buy beer and buy a fucking ice chest and you want beer, go get it. Yeah, that'll be cheaper than $400. Yeah. Everything's $400. Try getting your trees trimmed. Way more than that. Enjoy it. Everything on your property?

$1,000. Everything. Everything is $5,000 for your house. A tree trim? $5,000. What are you going to? Paint that door? $5,000.

It's all $5,000. It's a grand. Literally, everything's a grand. At least. And if it's an appliance or something, it's just multiply it by five. Just fucking open your veins. for these people. Just out here, take what you need.

Just leave me with enough to keep my heart just mildly. Hold your wrist to them and say, take what you need. I don't even care anymore. That's how I feel sometimes. Just here. From now on, that's what I'm going to say to every person that sets a total to me. I'll just go take what you take. I'm telling you, dude.

That's what I feel like doing every time. Here, just, I'll turn my head, just whatever you need. That's what it is. This market is so fucked. Everything is so much money. It's just take what you need. Take what you need. I don't even know.

It probably went up since you got here, so just take it. Plug in, bitch. I don't know what to do here. Okay, back to Invalise. They rushed through the events. I thought I was getting a clown and a magician. Instead, I got a clown that did four tricks and a person. So you got a clown magician.

That's awesome. You got a clown magician. It happens to be the same guy. Same guy. Hey. Very little clowning, very little magician. Oh, my God. That did like four tricks and a person solely for face painting.

So they got a clown slash magician and a face painting. I paid for 15 children and only 10 were there so they could have engaged more. I have this kind of party to celebrate the kids of the neighborhood every year. and I will not book with them again celebrate the kids of the neighborhood. What? Oh, thank God this isn't a guy. I'd be really upset if this was a guy.

I'd be scared. I don't know. I don't know if a nice mom is any better. You're just celebrating the kids? Don't do that. That's weird. But at least it's, I feel like with a woman, it's less likely that it's for sexual purposes.

Yeah, I hope she's like the president of the HOA or something shit. She's just needy. It's different. You know, whereas a guy I'd be like, who are you fucking dittling? What are you trying to get the kids around for you, fuck? I don't, I didn't get a bubble show and the clown kept saying, quote, I don't know what I'm doing.

I'm sorry, I don't know what I'm doing. Is this your card? How about this one? No. We got 54 more. I don't know what I'm doing. 50 more if we did two. I don't know what I'm doing.

I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I'm doing. That's why I don't even know how many cards are in the deck because I really don't know what I'm doing. She said, he said, I don't know what I'm doing several times while doing the animal balloons. Yeah. Underperforming. Okay. Destiny, one star.

I've used this company three times. The first two times were great. Apparently the company was taken over by somebody else and they changed things like claiming you get a rabbit show, tattoos, and a bubble show. Oh. We got one of the clowns blow bubbles out of a wand. No rabbit show or tattoos were offered. When I asked the guy at the end, he said they stopped the rabbit show.

Well, yeah, because people were complaining that you're using rabbits show. It's a fucking thing. But I showed them the area in the contract, which says it's included. He said call and complain. So I did. And no one talks to you. You have to get a ticket and someone messages the ticket back on their website. Huh?

What does that mean? Yeah, like a QR code or some shit for a complaint? I don't even know. They send you a number? I don't even know. It's like a deli. You get a ticket and you go wait. The worst part was the character.

The picture did not match the character that came. It was a joke. Everyone at the party laughed because they couldn't believe I paid about $400 and tip for an hour and an hour and the Batman character was terrible. It is a bad Batman costume. It shows what I ordered and what showed up. And it's absolutely. Oh, they've got like a before and after. And it's not.

Yeah. The one before looks like Batman. He's got like, you know, a belt. And he's Batman. This other guy looks like, I would say, because they put Timu version, but that's an insult to Timu. Really? Is it an Adam West one? It looks like, you know if you go to Nogales?

They sell like knockoff shit. That's what it looks like, a knockoff Nogales Batman costume. It's not good. So, yeah, my child kept asking, oh, I saw better, oh, I'm sorry, I get there. My kid loves Batman and was so weirded out by him because the costume looks so cheap and didn't. fit him. It's too big for him, too. Oh, it's too big. Also, the mask was a rubber

bottom face that didn't move. I saw better costumes this year at Walmart. And my child kept asking why his mouth would not move. What's up with his mouth, dog? Where's Batman? I kept the company, I told the company of this and sent pictures to their

ticket center, this ticket thing again. They offered me $40 back. That's 10%. We'll give you 40 bucks. So technically Shut the fuck up. Shut up. Technically the character's tips.

I told them I will not be going with them next year, but no one seemed to care. Also, the one clown was rude. This is funny. The one clown was rude. I asked, can I have another balloon animal please? The little girl at my party, hers just broke. And he goes, I don't know. Can you?

Oh, he asked. He's one of those assholes. Fuck you. I'm not one of the kids. I'm paying you. I will take you in the backyard and kick the shit. I will be covered in clown paint when we're done. I swear to fucking God.

Yeah, considering I'm the one that fucking swipe the card for this. Yeah, okay. And you know me with clowns anyway. Like it does not take much. If somebody's, I don't know, can you? It is over. That motherfucker, the mix of blood and paint. Blood and makeup that's going to be all over everything is going to be wild.

Because I've beaten a clown up before and I will do it again. I swear to Christ. Just felt rude. And he went into my garage. without permission and let my two big dogs out, even though they are sweet, some kids are afraid of dogs. Here comes the dogs in the yard. Oh, fuck.

Not the experience I was expecting. Definitely don't waste your $440 an hour for $440 for an hour of this company's clowns. Little clowns. Actual clowns, they mean it this time. Double one star. If I can give zero stars, I would. Could. Can and could. Well, let that go. Book them for my daughter's party five months in advance. All details were confirmed. Day of the party, I get a call saying they are, quote, at another event and when they're done, they will come. Well, they never made my event. And I had to tell my guests that the entertainment was no longer coming. Very embarrassing. The company is despicable. They don't even have the real bunnies for the magic show because of, quote, insurance issues.

Well, okay. So somebody got bit. Something, yeah. Clouds.com responds. Thank you for your feedback. However, we believe this review to be fake, all caps. Oh. As it was posted alongside several other negative reviews within a very short time frame.

After a thorough check, we could not locate any customer record support ticket or situation matching the details described. Oh. So you never booked with us, you liar. But if you believe this is an error, we encourage you to email John at Clowns.com. I'd kill myself. They got Clowns.com. That's impressive. I would kill myself if my professional email address was John at Clowns.com.

I need to tell people that. I wouldn't last long, Jimmy. Could you reach me at John Clowns.com? J.K. 1 star. Terrible experience. Hired Elsa for a first birthday. Uh-oh. Despite being.

asked to sing, she refused. She can't. They kept asking her. She's like, bitch, let it go. I'm not singing. I'll say it, but I ain't singing it. Let it go, bitch. It ain't happening. And then they badgered me for the last 10 minutes of the party for gratuity and told me she wouldn't leave the party until she got it. Damn, else is a pushy bitch.

I ain't saying. I'm not leaving my tip. Fuck you. Then she sent me a Venmo request for the tip. Holy. Jesus, this was in front of my guests and the children. When I called the company to inform them, person who took my complaint would not let me talk.

He kept talking over me and did not listen. The next day, he called me back to tell me he had talked with Elsa, and he didn't believe me. He said Elsa didn't do that shit. She's pretty trustworthy. Well, I know her phone number. How do I know that? Yeah, how do I know her Venmo?

It's on my fucking Venmo. Okay. He again would not let me talk and went on to reprimand me about calling. Terrible experience. Please don't call back. Please, we fucking beg you not to call back. Okay. I think this is the last one here.

Okay, last one. Tarika, one star. Yeah. All caps for the first one here, first sentence. Believe the multiple negative reviews stay far away from this business. Okay. This company is one of the most unprofessional companies I've ever dealt with. Where do I start? Well, at the beginning.

At the beginning. You better start at the start, my friend. Start at the beginning. On the day of my daughter's birthday party, it was pouring. rain. Obviously very frustrating and not ideal for an outdoor party under a pavilion. My guests all stayed in their cars while I tried to see if I could move the party inside due to weather. That's nice. My guess, the start time for the entertainment was 1 p.m. When they arrived, they called and said they would stay in their car for a few minutes until the rain let up. Oh, the clowns? The clowns. We're not coming out. Yeah. Yeah. Then at 106, I got a phone call. A phone call. from somebody at the entertainment company demanding a mandatory tip because the party didn't start on time. Okay. Despite the contract saying that the tip was completely optional, I told him that I had planned to tip them regardless,

so why he was suddenly badgering me about a mandatory tip at the start of the party. He said that we didn't start on time so they needed their tip or they wouldn't perform. We're not going on, everybody. When I reminded him that we were still within the start window, he agreed and hung up. Yeah, you're right. Yeah, that's all right. He then called me back two minutes later to say he spoke to management, quote unquote, and the entertainers wouldn't start without their tip.

Okay. I told him it was incredibly rude and unprofessional to be trying to extort a tip due to a rain delay when they had already been paid in full. Mind you, the tip was supposed to be $30 for the two entertainers at the party. I actually planned to give each of them $50 cash. I went ahead and paid the tip because otherwise they said the entertainment. entertainment would be leaving. But I reiterated to the guy on the phone how horrible their customer service was,

and I told him I'd be leaving a negative review. Not to mention, here's the part here. Despite me asking beforehand, the person playing Moana was an extremely pale, freckle-faced white woman. That's not what you do. Oh, man. She was just playing Elsa and I were going on. Yeah, what do you want?

She's got a lot of flexibility, you know? She needs money. She didn't get tipped earlier. Oh, that slapped on an ill-fitting wig, dirty black and white sneakers, and didn't sing a single Moana song or even act like she'd seen the movie. She's literally just a chick in a skirt just standing there. Like that's her only high on Moana I put on a fucking wig and a skirt. Hey, where's that pig? I didn't see it, kid.

I didn't see the movie. They sent an Irish chick with a wig over here to be Moana. What the fuck? I really wish I had read the reviews before. Save yourself the time. energy and frustration. If you want a great party, you should definitely look to book elsewhere. Elsewhere, yeah. Elsewhere. Okay. We've been in the party time. We've gone to the beach. That would work out. Oh, I love it so much. You've been at IHOP. Let's try to have a relaxing day.

Yeah. Now, I've never done this before. So me and you are going to go together. We're going golfing, Jimmy. Oh, never been golfing. I regret this. Never. I've gone to the driving range. I've gone to miniature golf. I've never actually had the two things put together. You're going to have so bad. Yeah, we're going to the Apache Creek Golf Club, Jimmy. Where the hell is that? Apache Junction, Arizona. You're going to go bounce golf balls off of boulders?

This is the shittiest the shittiest part of the Phoenix metropolitan area is what this is. This is the one when you're an opening comic back in the day and the headliner comes in and they have some joke that they go over every time. and replace whatever locality

with the next locality they're at. They ask, what's the shitty town around here? And every comic goes, Apache Junction. And then they say that. And they tell their dumb joke. And it crushes. And it crushes. Because everyone likes to laugh at Apache Junction. Because they think this guy has been places in town.

He knows. He knows it sucks there. Clap. He knows it sucks there. He's been here for four days and he's already bad. He already knows how bad it is. Wow. Like comics come in and do a tour of the city. When they go to their hotel, hole up, take drugs, and then go to their radio thing at five in the morning and then come back to the hotel to sleep and off their drugs.

Then they jump on a double-decker bus with other tourists, you guys, and go see all the place. Do a laugh of the city. So this place, 3401 South Ironwood Drive, Apache Junction. It is 3.7 stars. Yeah, it's on Ironwood. That's like the old main drag. Yeah, I remember. I've served papers there before.

It's not great. There's shitty places there that like there's no addresses on these fucking houses and shit. Like trying to serve papers. It was a nightmare. You'd knock on the door. All the members fell off in the 40s and they haven't put them back on. No. And then you have to knock on doors and they're like, no, they live three houses over.

You're like, okay, fuck. I guess I'll find them. KC. Five Stars. Such a class act place. Class in Apache Junction, send the same sentence. Wow. The owner and the staff donated the course to honor the AJ fallen officer and take care of our military and first responders.

I know where this is. Thank you and everyone should golf here. Course is in great shape as well. Thank you. You know this joint? Yeah, I know where it is and I've seen the signs for it. But I'm done with the everyone should golf here because blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Blind loyalty to fucking anything is stupid.

I'm done. Yeah, I don't know. What are we? I don't get what they're saying. Everybody should golf here, James, because it honors fallen first responders. How do they honor it? I don't, fuck. Because the guy that donated the land for this place, it's out of his pocket, James.

He doesn't own the land anymore. No. But how does he? He donated it in the name of fallen first responders. Is that what it is? So we should all go there, James, because people died for our right. to pay $60. Well, the Apache Junction

fallen officer, the AJ fallen officer, is somebody from Apache Junction and care and take care of her. Do like all the profits go to... Probably. What's going on here? Somebody's making money.

I fucking guarantee that. Okay. Interesting. All right. Well, all right. Nobody's manicuring a golf course and running a register

because an officer got shot. Nobody gives a shit to do that. Nobody's manicuring this golf course. Anyway, there's pictures of, giant patches of brown everywhere. Yes. It's not great.

Adam 5 stars, like this course, great service, was paired with an 86-year-old couple and their daughter, who was 67. Yeah, that sounds awful. Awesome to see them on the course. I hope they had a cart. That's a long day. Holy shit. I golf with some old people. They finished.

It was impressive. It was impressive. They lived through 18 holes. They didn't die. Dan, one star, we had booked a tea time for 1015, didn't tee off until 1045, took an hour to play three holes. I had called about a refund and was told okay, the manager or whoever said he was wrong. I'm not paying 75 bucks for a six hour round. Six hours.

That sounds like a pretty decent deal. Was he being held up? I think he was being held up. Like he could have played. this in two and it took six fucking hours. Should we have a date that that person played? Because there was a specific season here in Arizona. Six months ago.

Yeah. That's what it is, man. You're going to play six hours because everybody's on the fucking golf course. People from everywhere are coming there to play golf. Cade, one star, played three holes in one hour and then it started pouring today. Asked if I could get a rain check or any sort of voucher for more golf. And Mason told me there is nothing he could do for me. And then it was my fault for playing today.

Bad surface. Someone didn't look at the weather. Oh, man. Look at giraffe, you dips shit. Look at that. Rich one star. Save your money. Don't go.

Okay. Don't go. That's it? The quote, course, is just bits of grass in the middle of creosote, creosote bushes and rocks. Yep. The par fours are too long. Almost every single T-shot is blind.

The greens are. a nightmare with impossible slopes. The round takes well over four hours because every single player is looking in the desert for their ruined golf ball. I'll never, ever play there again. Sounds like it's a challenging course, too. Yeah, it sounds like you've got to be pretty good.

Yeah, and it's just, dude, the pictures are just hills and patches and gravel and like, it doesn't look like a golf course that you traditionally say. Playing golf in Arizona, that's what it is. There's rarely, I mean, you've got, you've got courses everywhere. Right. And there's places with big swathes of golf. grass, but those are hundreds of dollars per round.

Yeah. I've stayed at a hotel that had a golf course on it when I was out there for a live show and stuff like that. And I mean, it was beautiful. Everything was manicured. But it was, I'm sure it was very expensive to play golf there. Like it looked like it. Oh, there's $400.

Yeah. Probably. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Any idea what golf costs. You could say a nickel or you could say $1,000.

And I go, that seems about right. I have no idea. It's anywhere. That's the, that's the crazier part about golf. Because a round of golf is anywhere between $35. and way too much. A thousand dollars, yeah. Wow.

Brendan one star. Course was an absolutely horrific condition. Starters gave a speech about sending people out properly and then flooded the course with people with no one out managing pace of play. Okay. Right of play. Yeah. Every hole around the driving range is basically flooded with range balls throughout.

The Greens had grass. at varying heights throughout, and it was clear that they had not been maintained. There's so much potential for this place with the scenery around it. The price makes you think that you'll be playing at a decent place, and the pictures make you think

it's a well-maintained place. Don't let either fool you. This place is a dump. Sucks. It's a dump. Lorry, spelled L-A-W-R-Y. With a W-E-W? That's a new one.

That's why I was like, wow, that broke my brain. That is Lowry's, right? That's what the seasoning. That's all the seasonings. Packet. Yeah. So that's what I was like Lowry, I guess.

One star. Staff was friendly and helpful. Course conditions were terrible. Pay the extra few bucks and get a decent course. And there's a picture of just the, I think it's a green and it's just all brown. $75 to do that. It's a green brown. And it's, dude, it just looks like the desert with little bits of grass here and there.

And the grass is not, not even patchy. of good grass. Like it's, it's all brown. Even the, even the green, they're so fast because they're so dry. They've got to be rock hard. They're hard, they're dry. So it'll bounce off that motherfucker like a slab

of concrete. Yeah. It's like playing on artificial turf or something, I think. Like the old school art of like the Vets Stadium, 1988, artificial turf with seams and shit. You got to get a lot of backspin on it for it to park in the green. And sometimes it'll, sometimes it'll

hit and not even bounce because the grain's soft but dry so it'll hit and just fucking stick right it's crazy it's supposed to work Brent one star they book tea times every seven minutes what a joke

this is the longest it's ever taken us to play a round of golf five hours and one minute he put his time around I mean it's generally four hours is an extra hour four hours of this shit some of these motherfuck

fuckers run two rounds a day. How much do these people hate their families? How much do you hate your family? It's got to be what it is. Where you're going to walk around the fucking desert for four and a half, five fucking hours. And the amount of hours you have to put in to get good at it? Because I'll golf. I'm not, I'm fucking, if I lose fewer balls than beers I drink, I win.

That's my goal. I just want to drink six beers and lose five balls. That's it. but the amount of time you've got to put in to get good at it, you have to fucking despise every person in your life. Or just love this torture more than anything. They don't love this. It's masochism.

This is to get out of the house. I will refuse to believe, unless you're really good at this, you don't love this. It's just frustrating. Unless you're like, and you've got to be phenom good at this, where you're good at it out of the gate. Because if you fucking stink at golf, it's not a fun day. No. You're hoping that you shoot decent, but you won't, and you're going to be mad at yourself.

I'll stick to bowling. It's like, you can go for an hour and get like three games in, and like it's like 30 bucks. In an hour, I'm not done with the front nine. That's what I mean. You go home. It's a lot of fun. Okay. Won't ever play this golf course again, greedy golf course again.

Management obviously doesn't ever play golf if they don't understand that no one ever plays a hole in seven minutes. No way. No, it'll take you longer to get to the, you hit it, then you got to walk five minutes, I think. You're doing seven minutes of driving to get to your ball. Yeah, T-star, one star, okay. This place is really regressed. I'm not sure if they have new ownership or not. I think they do.

They have implemented a bunch of nonsensical policy and their staff act like they are the Shepherds of Augusta National. Shepherds. Shepherds. There are way better options nearby than dealing with an, overpriced track that charges for coolers and other stupid things. Coolers. Don't waste you put it in the back and then you can put beers in it and then drive around with beer. They charge you

for that? To hold the cooler, to take the cooler with you. They'd probably rent it to you. They just put coolers on all the golf carts because everyone wants cold drinks. It's Arizona. It's a fucking desert. Sell us ice, not the cooler. Yeah, exactly. If it says Apache Junction Golf Course, nobody's taking that cooler. Nobody wants to be seen with that. No. I don't want that. That's stealing.

You played Apache Junction? Oh, God. Why? Don't waste your time and money here. James and his crew won't mind as they are set to host the prestigious Apache Junction Pro Am, the prestigious. Oh, my. Pro Am, implies celebrities are showing. Yeah, pro and amateur.

And cannot be bothered with customers. Good day, all. All right. We'll do one more here. We'll call it a day on the golf. Pick back off with a pro am. Linda, one star. My son was in town and had an afternoon tea time.

I love this is a review because the son was there. The person checking you in was talking to another guest and there was a line. The Ranger said we were late and better move along. After first hole, Ranger came back and said we were too slow. Be better at golf. Too many shots. You're not good at this. Keep moving.

This is Goldilocks Ranger. You showed up late. Now you're too slow. Now you're too fast. Yeah, we'll see if he's too fast next time. On each of the next two holes, he said we should be playing at 11 or 12 minutes a hole. I thought golf is supposed to be like a leisurely... I've never looked at my watch golfing.

It sounds awful. That's a different game. If you had time limits, that's a whole different game. Yeah. I bet you anything, the scores wouldn't be the same for everybody. If you had time... You're going to be fucking... and yeah.

You had, okay, everybody, this is from talking, PGA tour, eight minutes a hole for each guy. Smack it, run down there, no time to set up, looking at dig off, smack it again,

let's go, move it, motherfucker, you're supposed to be good at this. Move. I think that'd be a fun game. So anyway, but not for all this money. We were playing at 13 or 14 minutes.

On the fourth hole, he said, we have three options. Listen, use a no good at this, first of all, let me tell you, right off the back.

Keeping an eye on them. And by whole four, he's already so frustrated. He's giving you a three-option run. We're going to options now. Listen. We're done with just talking and we're giving you tips. Now we're going to you got three options. You can play this.

Play faster. Yeah. I stopped him and set a refund. I said a refund one of them. Like, we just give me a refund? It was, and we did a refund. I've played golf all my life and have never had this kind of treatment when you're out trying to enjoy your afternoon.

We don't even get to find out what the second one was. Was it a fist fight? Well, we know, play faster is one. A refund is another. What's the third option? That's what I mean? Pick your fucking weapons. I'll kick your fucking ass.

You got a bag full of them. I picked mine already. No, shit, man. That's amazing. That's amazing. It's giving off. I'll give you three options. Look, get terrible of this.

Option one. You find off. Yes, it is. Yes, it is. All right, goodbye then. So I go, we'll leave it there. We'll pick up on the golf course next week again. Can't wait. That's going to be a lot of fun.

Holy shit, that was crazy. So we've done a lot today. We've been to the beach. We tried to get some leisure in. We went to the beach and a golf course and got no relief from either of those. That's, well, it's not fair. It's amazing. Our kids are disappointed.

There's no bunnies. There's a janky, fucking ghetto Spider-Man here with fucking blonde mullet hair coming out the back of his mask. Everything has gone to shame. today. We'll find out option two later. If anybody knows what option three

at the Apache Junction, whatever the fuck that is, please let us know because I gotta know now. Maybe the later reviews will tell us. We'll find out. Either way,

thank you so much for joining us. Thank you so much for hanging out with us. Thanks for all that you do for us. Head over to shut up and give me murder.com. That is where you get all of everything,

merchandise tickets and anything you can imagine that goes along with either of the shows that we do. So keep hanging out with us. Come back next week. Tell your friends.

Make sure to rate and review, too. That really helps the show out a lot. So thank you for everything. Watch out and try not to get the crackhead waitress. This is the most fun ever. It's so much fun. Have a good one, everybody. Bye.