Your Stupid Opinions - Stay Out Of The Bushes, Unheard Cries Of Paperwork, The Ballad Of Talon

Episode Date: June 8, 2026

More of the funniest reviews on the internet! We read reviews for a Hot Topic location, where the depression of the employees may drive people away. A DMV office, that seems to take great pleasure in making you stand in very specific places, while telling you that your paperwork is wrong. A golf course, with "bald golf balls", and golfers doing some very gross things, in the bushes & much more!!   Join comedians James Pietragallo & Jimmie Whisman as they explore the most opinionated part of the internet: The Reviews Section!   Subscribe, and we will see you every Monday with Your Stupid Opinions!! Dont forget to rate & review!!   Go to shutupandgivememurder.com for merch & more Check out James & Jimmie's other podcasts, Small Town Murder & Crime In Sports on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts!!

Hello, everybody. Welcome back to your stupid opinions. Hey. Thank you so much for joining us today to hear people's bullshit, to hear opinions from people we don't care about for places we probably aren't going to ever go. So what does that equal? Hilarity. That's right. That's what it equals.

My name is James Petro Gallo. I'm here with my co-host. I'm Jimmy Wiseman. You've chosen wise. everybody. Let us do this. We are going to get right back into this. We have golf to do today. We're going to go, we're going to ask Pierce Children to look at T-shirts. I think you know where that probably is. We have a few different crazy places to go today. It's going to be a lot of fun. Before we get to that, definitely shut up and give me murder.com is the website where you can get all the shit that you need. Tickets for Smalltown Murder Live shows, which you can also watch Smalltown Murder on Netflix if you're out there. and merchandise.

There's tons of Your Stupid Opinions merch up. The stupid as cyclical shirt is up. I think that's from this show. I forget because we do 800 shows a week. So that might be from another show. But I'm pretty sure it's from your stupid opinions. Either way, let's do this. Let's get back into it.

Let's go back to Arizona to good old Apache Junction. Yeah. And go to the Apache Creek Golf Club, which where we left off, people were complaining about the fact that there's, You know, it's mainly desert. There's a lot of... But not desert, it's just dead grass. It's not...

They had grass and just didn't water. And gravel, that your balls bouncing on. And gravel and, God damn it, you better fucking move. Because there is a guy behind you going, okay, if you got three chances to move faster and then they kick you out. So let's find out what Daniel thinks with one star here. Okay. James in the pro shop is why I'm writing this review. Uh-oh.

Uh-oh. Do you think he likes James or not? I bet James is a real pain in the... the ass. I think he might be. I voiced a slight displeasure about the new mats and said I will be coming here less after they also raise their prices and the balls are bald. Is this a complaint in golf? I've never heard that before. How do you have a bald ball? How do you have? I guess they're used so much. The divvits have flattened on the ball. That's crazy. That's impossible. He's showing the ball. It's not crisp. Okay. Like the writing is knocked off.

of it. It looks like a low quality ball that's been in use for 20 years. That's what it looks like. Really? And it looks like a low quality ball because it's a range ball. Does it have black stripes on it? They're, they're, they're worn off. It's like literally completely worn out. They're bald. They're bald. That's crazy. But they're range balls, which are shit balls. Yeah. Same thing if you go to a batting cage. Those aren't real baseballs you're hitting. No, no, no. Like rubber fucking shit balls that don't feel right when you hit them. Yeah. They're weird, so it's the same thing. Well, anyway, they got mad about the bald balls here.

My balls are bald. Can you help me? You also can't hit driver on the mats. I guess for the driving range. You can't hit a driver on the driving range? I don't understand that. James literally laughed and said, good luck with that. Does that make sense as a response at all?

Good luck with that. With what? I will never spend a dime here again. Thanks, James. this was my high school course and I live right down the road. Oh, you've besmirched his memories now. Yeah, he's ruined his high school memories.

Oh, God. Next up, one star from Mr. Gutenberg. Steve's making an appearance. That's nice. Steve's fallen pretty far. Wondering what he's been up to lately, apparently making a shitload of Google reviews because he's got 58 reviews on here.

Wow. And golfs at Apache Junction. That's what happens when you're friends with Scooter Braun, you prick. He's just going to have three men and a baby references in here and shit and just try to short circuit shit. Yeah. Okay. One star.

If, quote, the guys. Okay, the guy. If the guy's job is to lose money and piss people off, he is truly a pro. He's doing it. He's doing it. I've only hit balls twice and today was going to be my first time out actually playing golf since there was literally nobody on the course. But, in all cap. thanks to a pathetically unreasonable no sharing clubs policy,

I guess I'll never play. Oh, you can't. Yeah, you can't share clubs. What the fuck do they care what you're doing out there? Well, because it fucking slows you down. So if I hit a ball and over here, then you can't go. You hit a ball over here.

Now you need the same club I need, and you got to go all the way across the fucking course to get that club. And now we both hit. And then now I'm over here. Yeah, it's a time thing. Yeah, you can't fucking, if you're going golf and bring some fucking clubs. Yeah, but to see if you like golf, that seems like a big investment just to see if maybe you like it.

That's a lot. Rent a set. I'm sure they have. And that's what this is all about. That's what it's about is they try, they said, not here anyways, they tried to manipulate me into paying $25 just to carry rent a bag of clubs I'm not going to use. That's the crux of it. They don't care if you're sharing clubs, but they want their 25 bucks. So they say if you rent a set, we don't care if you share clubs out there.

Exactly. That's dumb. That's stupid. I mean, if it was for time, I would get that. That makes sense. But if it's rent the clubs and then they don't know what the fuck you're doing out there, you could be borrowing the other guy's clubs. And then that's stupid.

So instead of making $86 on a day, you're clearly not making anything and only had two groups scheduled, without hesitation, told no. I hope you felt real powerful today. People love to say no and find a reason to just say no with everything. I hope you feel real strong. I hope you feel real strong. And 25 bucks is a little, that's a little steep. Probably.

But I mean, I guess for it's a golf, I don't know. Like when you go, like, if you go bowling, it's like five bucks for shoes. And then they have balls there if you want to try to bowl. So you like, you don't have to like, you don't have to like, invest a whole bunch of money to go try to bowl. But the other part is like with a ball, you're not, with a club, James, I went, I just broke my three wood because I hit the ball evidently too square. I don't know.

And the head of it snapped the fuck off. It went further than the ball. I did that at a driving range one time too. I hit it in the head just kept going. I was like, well, that's not right. But that's the thing is that. I'm standing there with a stick in my hand going, I don't think that's correct. If people are renting these and hitting the ground with them, all their strength.

The shafts are probably bent. I'm sure. And then I'm going to go out there and break them. Now I'm going to bring those clothes back and be like, I don't know, man, your three irons broke. Yeah. I'd rather you just break your friends clubs. You know what I mean? Borrow his clubs and fucking break them.

That's his problem now. I think that's where the crux is right there. Yeah. Fuck $25. Go break your friends. Yeah. Break your friends. We encourage you to borrow clubs, as a matter of fact. We encourage you to share if you're new to this. Take all day. I don't give a shit. It's hot out there.

You're a batchy junction. Not a stitch of shade on this course. Try to find a bush you can huddle under once when you get to about the sixth hole when you're tired. Pick up all those heads that you snap off too off the way back. You can collect those and bring them back. We're going to try to re-fucking constitute these clubs. Charlie One Star. I love golfing here and it has always been a really good. value. The staff is always friendly and helpful. Today, this was the worst I have seen the course. The greens were horrible. It's tragedy. The greens were horrible. You paid nothing to golf here. Go to fucking, go somewhere else. I just think it's funny when people, it's, I'll complain about a

luxury. Like, you're literally playing golf. You know what percentage of the people on this earth can play golf. Like have the access to a course. It's near them. They can afford to do it. It's very small. Very small. The greens were terrible.

It's not fair. The sprinklers came on when I was in the fairway, on the fairway in the 10th hole. That sounds like a godsend in Arizona. Thank God. The sprinklers came on when he was at a hole. The irrigation timer is set to a time of business hours? A business hours. But like I said, in Arizona, you go, yes.

And you... Yeah, you stand in the sprinklers for a minute. Yeah, now my foot joys are soaked. Now I smell like plastic sprinkler water. Excellent. Much better. Yeah. I smell like a hose.

I have water in them. Oh, man. Arizona water smells nasty. It's got a funky weird smell to it. That's mostly the vehicle to get the water to you. Yeah. But also... It's earthy, too.

The water's no good. It's bad water. I went into, I went into, and he put that word together, I went in to ask what was up, and they said the last groundskeepers sabotaged the course. They salted the earth, Jimmy. They just, the last groundskeeper quit last night, and he set all the timers to soak all of you golf fucks. Yeah, and he set the greens on fire. I don't like paying $50 to play on a budget course and have it be in terrible condition.

would have thought they could give me a credit or something instead of an apology. I would recommend going somewhere else until they get it under control. Oh, yeah. Under control. It doesn't take any time. Under control, like there's lions like fucking stalking them from the timer. The seventh fairway. Ridiculous.

Pete, one star. Apache Creek's management failed to uphold basic customer service standards and belittles their loyal patrons, including children. What else are children there for? But to belittle. They're little. They're here for you, a little piece of shit. Yeah, look at you, you're not going to grow any.

You know you're not going to get any bigger. That's what you ever tell a kid that? That's the funniest thing in the world. They freak out. Just tell them, you know you're not going to get any bigger. They'll go, huh? Because they think you must know when you're an adult. You have to tell them you're kidding right away.

Otherwise, they'll freak out. Just tell them that and walk away. Ruin their whole day. Just ruin their day. Yeah. That's all you're going to get, huh? tough. They'll cry. You're the last one to know when it's raining.

Oh, man. Forever. But the first one to know when the burritos were bad last night. I cannot recommend this course to anyone until there are major changes in management's behavior and they fix their pricing inconsistencies. My family and I had been playing at Apache Creek for years until today. Despite the Youth On Course app, clearly listing the price as $5.00. for juniors. The manager refused to honor it for my teenage son and his friend, both eager players who woke up at 5 a.m. for love of the game.

For love of the game. Not about the money. You've hurt their feelings. That's the problem. Even after my son showed him the app, the manager insisted on charging them $20 each, which was their entire budget for drinks and snacks on a scorching day exceeding on.

100 degrees. Yeah. When I called later to inquire, I was quickly dismissed. I explained that I could provide receipts showing we had only paid $5 all summer and I was met with skepticism and told, it wouldn't matter because the receipts would also be wrong. Okay. The lack of professionalism was shocking regarding the conditions.

If you prefer hitting off dirt rather than grass, Apache Creek is the course for you. This sounds. Absolutely lovely. Who the fuck is going to wake up at? What teenager is waking up at 5 a.m. to go golf? You're going to take a map directly after, right? Love of the game. Fuck, yeah.

Especially because you figure, I don't know, I'd probably be smoking a joint between one of the holes or something. So I'd really be tired later, I think. This would be a... I can't imagine getting up at 5 a.m. to do anything outside of your fucking job. you tried to get me to go on a boat at like 4 o'clock in the morning. That was great.

Jimmy's like, want to go out on the boat? I'm like, fuck yeah. And he goes, cool. We'll leave like 4.30. I'm like, never mind. No, thanks. Can we do this at like noon? What the fuck are we doing?

It's impossible. Good God. Yeah, I don't do anything that requires me getting up at 4 o'clock in the morning. Nothing. It's voluntarily. Anyway. A boat early in the morning is so great. I'm sure it is, but I'm not.

A little bit of coffee. struggle to get there is not worth going for five minutes. If you're going to fish, that's when they're going to bite. Absolutely. Or the evening. They also bite at sunset, which is when I'd rather be out there. Let's make this a late afternoon thing. What if they do this after dinner and a chip?

That sounds way better. Then let's get out there half a sleep going, but they're going to bite. Thank fuck for this coffee. That's no fun. Yeah. Well, the difference is the longer you stay out, the harder it is to put the boat on. When you go out early, the longer you stay out, the easier it is to put the vote on.

That's a good point, too. You really want to get out of there, too, when you're done, you want the fuck out of it. You're done if you've been up at four. There's no other leisure activity that when you're done, you're done. That, like boating. When you're done, boating, holy mother fuck, if there's a line to get out. Oh, and then there's so much more work to do. Your day is not over when you're done.

You better keep some in the tank, baby. This is a lot. Yeah, you got to know when... Yeah, now the hard stuff starts. You got to know when you're below a quarter tank and your own little system there because you've got to start loading up now. Yeah.

George, one star. Courses like this are the exact reason new players aren't interested in golf. Absolutely horrendous course and playing out rude staff. Not anywhere... Rood staff. Not anywhere near the price you pay. Okay, which is close to $100.

dollars. Poorly maintained. I hope not. That seems... You could play the TPC for that. That's, I mean, that seems... In Phoenix, there's the golf course market is too competitive to pay $100 for a shit course. Yeah. There's a million courses. There's tons. It's all that's there for. Poorly maintained with terrible greens and inherently terrible etiquette. What made my visit unfavorable was the fact that they made that they made us tee off 30 minutes early and then continuously bugged my friend and I to go through the course quicker due to people behind us. Yeah, they're rushing you through this. I shoot below 80, and this man continued to imply that we weren't good unless we could get through the golf course quicker.

This motherfucker said he shoots below 80, too. Yeah. Yeah, he's like a scratch golfer almost. Like, get the fuck out of here with that. Yeah, I run it right around par. I'm close to the tour. I'm just going to say, I mean, I could if I quit my job, but, you know, I just say the benefits are too good, and I can't really do that right now.

but I could do it if I needed to. Incredible. That's what it sounds like. So he sat and watched every shot. It made us very upset and obviously played terrible in result. This guy can't handle the pressure of one dude watching him. Yeah. Wow.

I eventually told the employee to stop harassing us, and I kid you not, this man followed behind us, followed us behind the bushes in a golf cart with the only intention of us to sprint toward our golf balls and sprint back with no talking or laughing between. This is not a... This isn't a leisurely golf course. This is a get it done golf course.

Quick and fast. No laughing. No laughing. No talking. Golf's not funny. You hit the ball, you run. Yeah. Stop that.

That's not funny. She's yelling at them. Do not smile. They do not care about the player experience once so ever. I think whatsoever is what you're going for there. Once so ever. And it's inherently present that's, their only goal is to take your money.

I think they said inherently twice in there. They heard that word. Yeah, they said it twice. They heard inherently and was like, that sounds smart. I'm going to use that a lot. That is the Pee-E-Herman, the clubhouse word of the day.

That's what that is. Bob, one star, the course, C-O-A-R-S-E. Yeah. Christ. The pepper-style course. Yeah, chunky. The course was in great shape.

The so-called Marshall was a real idiot. I don't know if that's his name or someone who's the Marshal of the course. Is that a thing? It's the guy that, yeah, that's what they call him. He spells it M-A-R-S-H-E-L. E-L. Yeah, like Herschel, but Marshall. The Marshalls is spelled it like law.

Yeah, just do that. It was a real idiot. The group in front of us got lost from Hole 11. Get lost. How the fuck do you get lost? Just walked. So there was an empty seat on one hole. He told us to pick it up at least three or four times.

Our total time for four people to do 18 holes was about four hours and 10 minutes. If that's not fast enough, I guess they don't wants our money. They don't wants it. Listen, you don't want some of my money? You're not going to get to my money. That's it. Four hours and 10 minutes is a long goddamn time. Yeah.

That is a long day. Jesus. Glenn, one star. Okay, the first sentence is awesome. Exclamation point. Goat ranch. What? Apparently, it's a goat ranch.

What does that mean? There's goats, I don't know. Teed off at 1.30 and we were rudely chased off the course at 5.30. You know what? I think four hours is plenty. It's 18 holes or four hours, I think, should be the rule. Once you've been here four hours. Which is for comes first.

Fuck off. I don't care if you're on hole six. Four hours. Get the fuck out of here. It's enough time. That's it. Right? What the fuck?

We were told that carts had to be in by 5.30, even though he still had 40 minutes of daylight. Asked why the Marshall did not speed up play. The response was, you can blame the snowbirds for slow play. Oh, is that them? They did it? People from the Midwest are notoriously slow golfers. That's what they are always known for.

They might have been looking at scenery and go, look how pretty the mountains are. Fuck those people, right? trying to enjoy their day. We will never play on this gravel pit again. Oh, by the way, us quote snowbirds keep this place open. What a dumb comment. Yeah, who do you think is golfing there? Jacob one star, if it were possible to give this place any worse of stars than one star,

I wouldn't even make it a 0.5. That is the worst one we've ever seen. Too many words. Holy shit. I got to break that sentence down because I got a, I think I had a stroke in the middle of that or the migraine got into my eye or something here. If it were possible to give this place any worse of stars than one star, not than, then one star, I wouldn't even make it a point five. Okay. Okay, my head still hurts.

My head, I'm going to go to the hospital when we're done with this, I think, because I need to get that out of my brain. Wow, that's the worst one we've ever heard of, if I could give zero stars. It's pretty fascinating. I would. Been golfing at a steady pace behind some golfers that were nice and easy, and there was a group behind us that were just totally rude. We're told by the Marshall that we were taking too long, so we either needed to speed it up or skip a hole, even though we are waiting on someone in front of us,

and we had paid $65 to play on this course, and I will not skip a hole because we are waiting on other golfers. We do not skip holes when somebody is not here yet. I put it in every hole, God damn it. I'm not skipping holes or forcing my friends who aren't even present to skip holes. That's right. Devon, one star. This is the worst golf course and staff there is.

Nothing but dirt. So you must keep everything on the fairway. I booked for eight. Well, that's the goal anyway, I think, right? Yeah. Normally there's like woods and shit on the side. You're trying not to hit it in there, I would hope. I booked for 18 holes and was so disgusted with the course I couldn't finish.

Couldn't finish. Yeah. Plus I... Limp dick. I was just going to... That's all I could picture was him just like, it ain't ever going to happen, man. It just keeps falling out. Yeah, I can't get it. Plus, I booked for two people and they forced me and my buddy to play with two yuppie-ass old men.

I know those guys. You don't just get to wander the course with your pal. They will put you in a foursome. But here's the fun part. Two yuppie-ass old men, we can picture them. Devon, his name is Devon, and his profile picture is a DMX album cover. What do you think the old ass yuppie men saw when they saw their partners for the for some, They probably had a fucking heart attack.

Yeah, where's their review? And they were checking their wallets every fucking eight, eight times a hole. They were checking it because they're so scared. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What are you the caddy? Get over your bagger? You know it.

Yep, you know that shit was happening. Climb on the back, bagger vans. Yeah, let's go, Will Smith. What gloves should I use? Because you know that's what they were thinking. Oh, God. And then these two saw them, they were like, oh, man, I got a, They're going to be checking their wallets now every five fucking minutes.

I hate these guys. You know that's what happened. They're handing him to Vaughn the club after every old. He keeps throwing it on the ground. They're like, oh, sorry, I'm so used to it. These yuppie motherfuckers kept throwing clubs at me all day. Dude turns around and asks him if he's got a telegraph for him. He's like, no, I don't know.

What are you talking about? Why would I have that? Oh, that's so good. Jesus Christ. plus that's hilarious. If you want a good experience, then don't play here. It's ghetto. Okay.

It's ghetto. Okay. Steve. The yuppies in the ghetto? I don't think so. Getto-ass yuppie motherfuckers. Steve one star, golfed Apache Creek golf course today. And first of all, we tried setting up a tea time online, but you had to have 52, which

you had to have 52 letters and symbols for an ID and 15 for a password. Tried a long time, but never got it to work. 52. I've never heard of that before. Had to call the next morning and didn't receive the online price. Boho G was said about, I don't know what that means, was said about carts, had to be back by six. Yes, they had signs on the course,

and boy, did they mean that to happen. We had three holes left and lots of sunshine, and they just came and took the flags away. There's a hard hole. It's still a hole. You know what I mean? You just don't know. from the T-box, you know where that motherfucker is.

Took the flags away. I'm still hitting golf balls. Fuck it. Not my problem where they go. You guys figure that out later. Sometimes on a par five, you don't know where the grain is, so you just got to rip one out there. That way, yeah. Try to find it.

It's that direction. The course is in horrible shape, and it costs way too much for what it's worth. We won't be back. Ever. Ever. Ever. Okay. And a couple more here, the quick ones. Ben, one star.

service truck got hit with a golf ball on the 60 highway. Somebody really shanked by. Oh, somebody just driving down the 60, took a golf ball? Wow, they need to do a better job keeping golf balls on the course and not hitting our windows. Yeah, because that's 65 mile per hour is freeway. And no one's going 65. No one's going 93. You get hit with a golf ball.

You could die. That could kill you. That golf ball's doing 100 coming the other way. Steve, one star, very lumpy greens. No rough, just dirt. Wouldn't play there again if they paid me. Literally a fairway and then gravel? That's awful.

Jesus Christ. That will fuck your clubs up. I would say. And then finally, one star, please ask the golfers to stop urinating on bushes along baseline road. You're out there and you're drinking. So you're going to be pissing somewhere. That's the thing. James, four hours in the sun.

You've got to piss. You're going to be pissing somewhere. And the bushes along baseline road seem like as good a place as any to piss, really, right? The car tries to fly just staring at golfer dick. Golfer dick while balls are flying all over the fucking road. Hey, everybody, just going to take a quick break from the show to tell you about cash app. Oh, this cash app is amazing. Great for these teenagers.

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Prepaid Card, Sutton Debit Flex Card, and Bank Corp debit Flex cards. Savings provided by Cash App, a Block Inc. brand. Visit cash.com.com slash legal slash podcast for full disclosures. It's unsclicable while your windshield's paper. It is unsightly. unsanitary. Yeah, old man golfer dick. Old yuppie man golfer dick. I don't want that. They must have, maybe they were scared because Devan was out there pissing on the bushes. That could have been. They were like, oh God, car off the side of the road. Please tell DMX to keep it his pants. My God. Next post, I will add photos. All right. Thanks. Don't do that. We don't need photos of people pissing in the bushes. Thanks. Thanks a lot. Thanks a lot. Thanks a decent exposure. I got pictures of it. Jesus grace.

I'll take pictures of people's dicks. All right. Now, I've had enough of that. I've had enough of this upper crusty type thing, golf. Let's go to the mall and let's fucking go buy t-shirts from surly teenagers. What do you say? You want to do that? Wouldn't that be more fun?

Where do you think we can buy t-shirts from surly teenagers in the mall, Jimmy? I'm in every store. Is there a hot topic? That's a hot topic is what we're going on. There we go. Yeah. Hot topic. This is in Denver, 8316 East 49th Street or 49th Avenue number 665, Denver.

If you don't know what a hot topic is. That's not a good area. No, I think it's a numbers. It seems like a mall. Better hope it is. It's number 1665. It's maybe a, seems like a, that might be out in the suburbs. It's not in Denver, huh?

It's Denver. Denver, Colorado, 802, 38. Located in avenues at Northfield, so it's a mall. Oh, okay. It's like probably an outdoor mall or something like that. So this is, if you don't know what a hot topic is, I don't know where you've been. Maybe they're not from this country, too. You might want to know.

Teen-oriented chain known for rock slash pop culture-inspired T-shirts plus accessories and body jewelry. Yeah. Yeah, you buy old band T-shirts there from kids who have never heard of that band. That's except for the T-shirt. That's essentially what you're doing. there. I don't remember the last time I was in a fucking hot topic. I was. Well, you went with your kids. Yeah, my daughter just bought.

Yeah. That's where fucking everybody puts all their merch line now. Okay. All the like teeny bob shit. Yeah. Yeah. Billy Isles. I have to go in there and go buy Billy Isles shit. Well, yeah. I mean, who doesn't, Jimmy? I'm in there twice, three times a week buying Billy Isles stuff just for me. I can't imagine if you have a daughter. Way worse. Jay, five stars.

Tallon and Percy, Talon? Okay. Of course, there's a kid named Talon. A kid named Talon? In Denver, fuck yes. Talon. Oh, that makes perfect sense. Yeah.

Talon and Percy? Percy. Percy? Like they're an elderly black man and talon. Yeah. We can all picture Talon. Okay. Well, Master P did lose a lot of money.

So I can see I'm working at Hot Topps. Maybe that's what happened. Maybe it's Percy Snow, the old football player. Maybe he crapped out of the league after a couple of years. Well, Percy Miller. It's no good. Talent and Percy really helped me and my friend feel welcome and comfortable in the store. Oh, boy.

Finding info and informing us about the current deals. Finding the info. Finding info for them. Okay. Isaac four stars. Malachi was super pit. What? I think that's Malachi.

Malachi, I said it like he's Italian. That sounds like, an Italian term for heartburn. What do you got the adjut? It's more of the Malachi today. Let me tell you, it's not so much the arch. It's the Malachi. It's up here, you know? Oh, that almost kills me.

You know what's the worst part? Malachi is a worse name. I'd rather be named Malachi than Malachi. It's even crazier, James, and it might be Malachi. It might be. But it's probably, man, M-A-L-A-C-H-I. Yeah, that's Malachi. That's Malachi.

You sound like a 16th century vampire hunter. Who's naming these fucking kids? Malachi? You looked at a baby and said, Little Malachi. That's what came out of your mouth? Malachi. Little Malachi?

That's what you name for, little Malachi? That's not fair. I'm calling it a Malachi. Oh, fucking shit. That was great. Malachi was very patient and kind with my girlfriend while she kept changing her mind on multiple items at checkout. My girlfriend was a pain in the ass,

and Malachi was pretty nice to her about it. That's cool. I was like, I get it. I can't make up my mind on it. I don't know either. If I want the chains on the shirt or the chains on the pants. I can't decide. Both seems like a lot of chains, right?

Yeah, that's what I was thinking. Yeah, I get it. One or the other, I think I could do it. Continued to have a good conversation with us all the way until we walked out the door. Oh. Four stars comes from the store's inventory selection. Seems to be limited and less popular items than most hot topics I've been to. Oh.

Things that aren't quite as hot of a topic as you were looking for. They need hotter topics. Cool topics is what that is, really. Roshana, three, stars, we were greeted and helped as soon as we walked in the door on it and I like it. On it. They're on it, man. Yeah.

There wasn't much I saw that I wanted this time round, though, but still a cool walkthrough. Yeah. All right. Charles, two stars. Sales people seems arrogant. Sells people? Sales people. Not sales people.

Sells people. Two separate words. Uh-huh. They sells people here. very pricey for what you would get. They're down on people here. Specifically, people that don't know how to speak nor spell English. No, that's bad too.

Again, I'd walk in and go, hey, Malachi, how's it going? Hey, Malachi. Where's all the Philly Island? Am I the only? I can't be the only person who thought that was Malachi. I looked at it like it was an Italian last name. It's my friend Johnny Malachi. You know him, right?

You know Johnny Malachi. That's what a while. Okay, that's funny. Liz, one star. I tried to stop in to buy a taper kit to start gauging my ears. Oh, Jesus. You're buying. Oh, no.

Graduated cylinders. Don't buy that at a hot topic. Go to a piercing store. Yeah, they probably know what the better things to put in your ears. And something that's probably medically, you know what I mean, medically graded. That's what I mean, a specific thing that you want to put inside your skin, really. Shit. I mean, I guess the hole is closed.

So it's, but still, it's going to irritate your skin while you're stretching it. It's got to be a certain thing or it's going to irritate. But if it's a graduated cylinder, you're stretching, that's going to open it more. You know what I mean? True. I mean, it shouldn't break the skin. It will. If you're stretching it.

You don't want it to, I mean, ideally, I would think. But anytime you're stretching. from gauge to another gauge, it's, it's stretching. It'll crack it open. That's rough. You'll bleed. Well, the teenager clerk, maybe Malachi, maybe not, spent the entire 15 to 20 minutes on the phone very loudly having wrong opinions about the Grammys. It's not about the lack of service.

Yeah. It's about, I don't like what you're saying about the Grammys. Talon was very rude on the phone and then he was pissed. I'm pissed that he liked it. Jelly roll one. Yeah. You know, he had an opinion I didn't share on Kendrick Lamar and frankly, I was offended. That's really what it is.

It's fucking bullshit. It's a showman. I mean, come on. She did not even acknowledge us while we were in the store at all. And I was not able to purchase anything because she was too focused on Taylor Swift dancing and Beyonce winning a Grammy for what she deemed was, quote, not even top album for a week. Oh, my God. She's mad that she didn't like Beyonce's album.

That's what's going on here. What is going on? Okay, the Hot Topic is a new world. I want to go hang out there and just watch people act crazy now. This person's shocked that somebody that works at Hot Topic doesn't think that Taylor Swift or Beyonce should be winning awards. The girl that works at Hot Topic. Her face is pierced multiple times. She's 15.

She shouldn't even be able to have those. No. Exactly. But she's crammed him in there somewhere. She got him in there. Jimmy one star. Yeah. Went for the first time for a funco drop and waited in line behind a regular with an electric scooter who was very rude and brought a scale with him to weigh the funco soda pops to cheat and find the chase.

Okay. What? This is something that happens in like sports cards too. Yeah. There's certain inserts in cards that are heavier. So people will go to fucking target or places and sell cards with a fucking drug scale, essentially. They're very sensitive to the, you know, to the hundredth of a gram to weigh the cards to see which one is heavier because that's the one with the insert in it. The one with the insert is 10 ounces, not 8 ounces.

Exactly. Because it's a thicker or whatever. So that's what they're doing. There's something in the soda in these funcos that one in a whatever is important. Okay. this regular doesn't care and will push you out of the way or stand in your way

to get what he wants. Well, he's in a scooter, so push, you can really knock him over if he's that much of a problem. Well, is it one of those scooters or did he like buy one of those retired bird scooters and he's riding that?

I can see that be the guy. That's, I hope that that's not allowed in the mall. I think he's on a rascal, so you can shove him over. Or is he on a razor? Or is he just on a razor just up there, fucking.

Lynn, one star, felt watched. Looking at the items close to the door and the alarm went off. Seemed like folks came from near and far from the surrounding states, maybe even Alaska, to offer to, quote, hold our items at the counter. I'll just go to a different location. Maybe even Alaska. Maybe even they came from Alaska, the two employees that were there that said, I can hold your shit if you want. Okay.

Mate, mate, mate, mayte, one star. Bad customer service. That's about right. I went to the store yesterday to pick up my online order. I saw that I was missing something, so I went back to tell them. They treat me like as if I was lying and made a call, and they made a call and they asked if I had something else to do. So I told them we were going to start looking. Don't you have something else to do, motherfucker?

Yeah, what are you here for? I was looking at a shirt that I liked and I wanted to buy, and the lady was asking me if I was finding everything. okay and they kept staring like I was going to steal something, S-T-E-E-L. At last, they gave me my stuff, told me your problem was solved, gave me my stuff and told me the item that was not there because I was charged from it even though it was on the list. The fuck are you talking about? Your English has lost you at this point. I got a little bad about the attitude and bad customer service, so I did tell them that I was because online had promo code, and that's why the total amount was different. Huh?

Something about a... I don't know. Where's Malachi again? He can solve this. Never buying anything from The Hot Topic. The Hot Topic. A few more here. Jessica, one star, low stock in the store.

The walls were so bare it made me feel unwelcome in a way. What? I don't know. How does it make you feel unwelcome? because there's less shit on the walls. Okay? It didn't feel homey to me, you know? It's a hot topic.

It's weird hoodies with Jack Skellington on them. That's it. And lots of them. And Misfits T-shirts. And then when you put the hood up, it's got Jack's head up there. There you go. That's the hook. That's the one.

Buy it. Get the fuck out. And a matching backpack, too. There you go. The little one, though. You can do it. Okay. teeny tiny.

Holds nothing. Holds nothing. Joni a one star. Young man with blonde long hair. That sounds like Malachi, vampire hunter. Long blonde hair. Big steak in his hand ready to fucking stab it. He pales up his face.

Oh, big time, yeah. With long blonde hair. Very rude nasty. Rood nasty. He's rude nasty. Very rude nasty and disrespectful. Uh-huh. No customer service at all an uncomfortable conversation about him being in the hospital

from suicidal thoughts should not be allowed to work here with that kind of mental health issues and bad attitude. Please hire someone else. What is this? I don't know, but Malachi should certainly not be telling people about it's a hospitalization for suicidal thoughts while they're trying to buy a fucking... I mean... A nine-inch nails t-shirt. I already expect that. It's obvious.

Look at you. Yeah. I knew what you're doing. Yeah. Clear. You do want to see him to stick nine-inch nails for each one of his islands. I know you do. Yes.

So that you both match. Yeah. Yeah. You have more metal than skin on your face. Yeah. And you're working at the hot topic, more importantly. So I assume. I know you're mad at your dad.

I get it. I mean, I feel bad for Malachi here, but I mean, good Lord. Somebody step in and help this poor kid. He was telling the customer about his hospital. That seems like a lot to start getting into. And the woman here, she looks like a woman that's in like her 30s. It's not another teenager. It's a mom.

Somebody's maybe, yeah, maybe that's it. Maybe he doesn't have a mom. Maybe he's very sad. Yeah, maybe he's mad at her too. Yeah, you know he is. Look at his face. It's covered in shit. He's mad at everybody.

Okay. And we're not talking one or two piercings here. We're talking. Oh, my God. We're talking like a, you can't see. Nine Lou Al-Bandos. Yeah. That's what I mean. That's different.

All right. Let's get out a hot topic. I'm frustrated. I can't pronounce anybody's name. Everything is awful. Wow. Let's go somewhere fun, Jimmy. Let's have a good time.

What do you say? Yeah. Let's do it. All right. You know what we need? Yeah. Let's get our licenses renewed. What do you say?

We're going to the DMV, Jimmy. Yay. Let's do it. What's one? In Middletown, New York. Oh. Where's that? It's up by me a little bit

It's kind of shitty Yeah, Middletown sucks The DMV office in Middletown, New York The picture of it is depressing as well Yeah 3.3 stars this place has Which I'm, that's high, I think, for a DMV You'd think so, right?

Yeah, because a lot of people have some There's people that go in just to just to renew registration. I have to do that every year on my fucking truck because it's a diesel But there are other people that have to go in to get that insurance for the DUI, you know what I mean? And there's all kinds of things that you got to jump hoops you got to jump through. Maybe you got a breathalyzer.

There's a bunch of things that you got to deal with. Jesus, I never even thought of that. Good Lord. You know what I mean? The legalities at the DMB, fuck man, they're broad. Yeah, you're getting, this is a lot. Yeah, there's a lot going on there. There's a lot of reasons going on there.

I'm just thinking of getting my license renewed or, you know, getting my car registered or something. Getting a title turned over or whatever. Yeah, a whole other thing going on here. There's so many. Their hand and you breathalyzer attachments. This is wild. You got to make sure it's in there. They got to look.

Then the Arizona one is different than New York. I actually prefer the New York DMV to the Arizona DMV. The Arizona DMV is insane. They do everything. What you do is you show up at sunrise. Yeah. And there's already 300 people there waiting. I'm not even joking.

This is every fucking DMV. I'm waiting for it to open at 9. And then you stand in the heat. for hours and wait for your turn. That's it. There's no appointments. There's no nothing. They do appointments at the one near me.

Oh, you're lucky fuck. It's fucking old people out there. I have spent seven hours at a DMV in Arizona before. It's ridiculous. It's wild. Crazy shit. So this DMV office, 12 King Street, Middletown, New York. And, okay, the Motor Vehicle Bureau here, let's do it.

Michael, five stars. Wow. Loves it. Loves the DMV. This place is amazing. This place is so cool. They pay me and everything. It's wild.

We have this big poster in the back with like a bunch of letters on it. They get bigger and smaller. That's pretty cool to look at it. I like that. That's fun. It's like a triangle. They get smaller at the bottom. It's real weird, but I like it.

Willie Wonka's contract. It's amazing. Totally cool. The security guards treated my 91-year-old grandma so well. I still smile thinking about it. about it. Why the fuck is she there other than them to take that license away from her? You still have to get an ID

which is where you get those. Yeah, that's the point. Yeah. You do that. And my, scarily enough, my grandmother was driving at that age. At 91? 90 at least, yeah. Ooh, wait. My grandma's 85. We're taking it from her this year. She was terrifying when she was in her 50s. So

she was in, grandma didn't drive until she was like 38. She's from Italy. They drove around fucking horses with carts and shit, literally, like, even because the war had destroyed it and everything else. So a car was new to her at 38. She was terrible at it. My grandma's had dementia for probably fucking eight years now. It's probably time now.

It's time. Well, recently she told me, I went to the grocery store today, drove myself. I was like, who fucking let her? What are you guys doing? What? Why would you do that? How do you know she's going to end up at the grocery store? Yeah.

How do you know she's going to start the car? Or anything. Or pull out of the garage. Yeah. While the car started. You just find her fucking carbon monoxide poisoned in there. God damn it. Okay.

If I knew their names, I'd give them an individual thanks. Leroy, five stars. Long line outside with no appointment at 9.05, but moved quickly. I was done in less than 40 minutes. Very pleasant surprise. That's great. That's killing it. Okay.

Alex. Oh, boy. One star. No surprise scheduling an appointment gets you absolutely nothing here. No surprise. No surprise. I overheard clerks behind the desk saying, knock on wood,

nobody passes their driver's test so we don't have to do any paperwork. There's poor kids out there just fray in to be able to drive their girlfriend somewhere to finger or later. And they're like, God damn it, these people are against me. Knock on wood, we don't have to work today. Absolutely disgusting behavior from people getting paid with all. Our tax dollars. Let's see. A prize here, one star, had previously had good experiences with this location, generally helpful

and reasonably friendly staff, certainly worth a four-star review. And the late hours on Wednesday are especially helpful. My July 2024 visit was an absolute nightmare. After a gruff welcome from the security guard, I waited two hours with many people who arrived after I did being helped before me only for them to tell me I was missing a document. This is after the gentleman

who gave me the ticket with my place in line reviewed my paperwork to ensure I was ready. The DMV also depends a lot on who you get. It's bluff of the draw. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I had a problem, I had to go do something at the DMV

a couple years ago. And the first day I went, the lady was a fucking nightmare, just told me to fuck off. You need this. You don't have it. Go fuck yourself, basically. How do I get it?

Don't know. Fuck off, right? That was it. And then I went back the next day and got this other lady and she was the sweetest lady. Told me what to do. Got the thing that I needed for me, waited for me. That's nice.

She was like, tell you what, when you see a break in the people, you go make your phone call them. When you see someone walk away, just run up here. And I'll take care of you. I was like, all right, cool. Like totally the coolest shit. So it can be, it's people. In New York or in Arizona?

New York, in New York, in Poughkeepsie. That's much easier. In the city of Poughkeepsie up there, which, you know, they were probably happy I wasn't trying to stab them also. Yeah. You know, I've had to register. You register everything in Arizona. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everything.

I have a golf cart. They want it registered. That's funny. You have to, I mean, you have to have a title for things. So, anytime I go there, and then, again, every year I have to go with my truck. So, and every time I see it, I've never, I've been to this DMV probably 20 times. I've never seen the same person twice. That makes sense.

And there are. three people there that I know of specifically that I pray to fuck that it lines up perfectly that I get to see them because they're so nice and helpful. Whereas others, they just look at you and go, you got the paperwork and then you hand it to them, they go, that ain't right. And then they go, next. What do I need? What do I need? Not that. Okay. Okay. I'm going home. I had a, the nice lady, was an old Hispanic lady that called me Mr. Pietro Gallo and I said, yep. Perfect. You nailed it. Great. It's pronounced Malachi.

It's actually Malachi. So Anna, one star, had to take a test, and it was so loud and noisy that it was impossible to concentrate. Tests should be in a quiet classroom with zero distractions. No. You don't know who should fucking go first on a red light, motherfucker? Noise makes you not be able to decide what yield means. Are you joking? That's the only test that gets done at the DMV.

Yeah, it's literally multiple choice, you dumb shit. You can't keep concentration to read four answers and decide which one's best. Yeah, good. I don't want, you know what else is distracting? Traffic. Everything on the road. There's a lot going on out there, Cup cake. You're going to need to be looking at all kinds of stuff.

Lights and people and cars and it's too much for you. It sounds overwhelming. Nobody's going to keep it down out there so you can. make a decision. Trying to concentrate. I'm listening to the new Taylor Swift. Fuck off. Yeah, Jesus Christ.

This Beyonce album should have got a Grammy. John, one star. Typical DMV with disgruntled employees starting from the security in front that lacks social skills and ticket counter. Rude and work at a glacier pace, not glacial. Glacier. Glacier. Glacier.

his face. He's heard the word, but he didn't quite... He was going for something. He thought he heard the word. He thought he heard something, but he didn't really hear what he thought he heard. There's a reason why they're behind a gate for their own protection from being strangled. Oh, okay. Now you're threatening violence.

Come down. Okay, relax. Jesus Christ. We're all here. Everyone's here. Wasn't there a rash of shootings at DMVs? I thought that was post offices. But maybe DMVs too.

I could see it. I mean, people are frustrated there. And the postal ones with their own employees doing that, not outside people. The DMV would be outside people doing it. May 8th. At the DMV that I was telling you about, that was a shooting there. There you go. There you go.

That's what happens. Oh, yeah. They happen all the time. Perry, one star, I had the absolute misfortune of visiting the DMV office in Middletown, New York. after being electronically searched with my pockets being emptied. Whoa. They mean go through a metal detector? Is that what they're talking about?

Yeah, you put your shit in a bowl and then got a bowl? It really made it sound complicated for it. It's a pretty standard thing. I had to wait over an hour to register a vehicle. I had all my paperwork in order, and the less than courteous clerk ensured that everything was, in fact, correct. However, I was informed that they could not process my registration because a document was missing, A document that two other agencies said was not necessary. She insisted it was and the supervisor who came over agreed.

After a few choice words, I left. I wonder what those were. Now you'll never get that registered. Oh, boy. The next day I went to the Peekskill facility where people are personable and respectful and also actually know what they're doing. Have you ever heard that about anybody in Peakskill? No, never.

That's a new one. Yeah. I was in and out of there in no time. and without having to present the document Middletown insisted was so important to have. Please avoid the Middletown DMV facility at all costs. You'll be glad you did. I wish they would specify because if it was your inspection shit,

I mean, that's obviously necessary. What else would you need? If you're to register a vehicle in New York, it is a paid in the ass. Especially if it's like from another state or something like that. Inspection title registrations? You have to have a whole bunch of shit. Really?

For me to register my car in New York after I moved from Arizona, That's what the problem was, is I didn't have the, I didn't have the bill of sale of the car in Arizona. My name's on the title. I don't need a bill of sale. I said, see that title says this. And see how it was registered in Arizona? Who gets the fuck who I bought it from? That means I bought it.

Right. So here it is. It's my car under everything. And they were like, no, you have to have that to prove that it was bought in Arizona and not in New York State. It's some stupid thing. And the place I bought it from is no longer in business. Wow. So that was the problem.

That's why the one lady was like, well, you're fucked. Go away. And then the other lady helped me and got me to figure out how to do everything. See what you got to do. You got to go down to the Patton's office. Yes. Yeah. See who has the trademark on this name.

And then call them. Call them and then see if they're around. And if not, you know, yeah, find their managing partner. Bill of Sale. Bill of Sale is like, what the fuck are you talking? What is this 1812? Who the fuck has a bill of sale? I don't have that.

I was like, I own it. Here's the goddamn title. Says it's in my fucking name. It's my goddamn car. God damn it. It's registered in Arizona. How'd I get it registered if it wasn't mine? The title implies that I bought it making the bill of sale fucking obsolete.

Exactly. I mean, they're like, we have to prove it's from Arizona. I said, here's the goddamn title and registration from fucking Arizona. Arizona. That means it's from there. Yeah. It was frustrating. In native Arizona language.

This is why people freak out at the DMV. This is why. Really, I can see it. Stephanie one star. If I could, I would give this place zero stars. Okay, that's close enough. I'll take it. Especially in the rage that they're probably in from leaving the DMV.

That's fine. They denied my car registration forms after waiting for two hours because I added MI after the numbers where it asked for mileage. She wrote something wrong. Goshen. You don't write letters. You just write. the numbers.

The numbers. Yeah. Yeah. We understand. Is this Roman numerals now? Yeah. What do we do? I didn't assume it was kilometers.

It's America. Yeah. God damn. We asked for miles. That's what we wanted. Goshen DMV accepted my forms. Do not go here. Okay.

Yeah, they're picky. They're looking for... That is pretty stickler behavior to be... Don't put miles after it. Okay. Well, yeah. What if I do? Then no?

If you get somebody cool, just cross it out. Who cares? Put the white out on. Don't you guys get white out? Who gives a shit? Dan, one star. Ever want to know what being an inmate feels like?

Not particularly, but okay. Take a lovely trip to this dump. Met by a nasty rent-a-cop. Searched in order to stand in line. Did they look up your asshole? They tell you to spread them and cough? They had you a bed roll with soap and a toothbrush in it? What are you talking about?

Lift your sack and spread your ass? Did that happen at all? How is your bed roll? Searched in order to stand in line behind, stand in line and be quiet and stay off your phone. What? What? While waiting, a cop would walk the aisles up and down closely watching

and waiting for an opportunity to yell at you for peeking at your phone. The staff members themselves are helpful if you have everything done perfectly and make their job effortless. But one mistake or missing document, and they'll instantly become standoffish and nasty. I finally switched to Pennsylvania, and it was a beautiful experience. I actually called them and they answered questions

and invited me by. Invited you, but it's at the DMV. You can come by whenever you want. Even remembered me. Yeah. Even remembered me from the call. What small town did you go to in Pennsylvania? Yeah.

What DMV is training it like a Dave Chappelle show where you can't have your phone out? That's, yeah. Oh, because it's probably a federal place you can't be videotaping, I guess, and they don't know if you are or not. Either way. I've never heard it. I sat at the DMV last year for an hour. Everybody was doing nothing with being on their phone or else.

And it was good because that kept them from killing someone. Right. I want them on their phone. Scroll the news. I don't give a shit. I was on my phone the whole time. I was texting Sarah. I was doing shit texting you, complaining about it.

This place sucks. I definitely told you that. Let's see. All right. Let's finish up here. Gherpreet one star. Yeah. Very bad experience.

I go there for real ID and I bring my all papers, my all papers. My all papers. Even the paper from court to show pending asylum and they say, we know except that. Papers such a waste of time off, such a waste of off time. Also, the security guard, old man, it's too rude. Yeah, I don't think you can get a real ID if you're not a citizen. I don't think so either. I think there's other things.

If you're seeking asylum, you can't get a real idea. Yeah, there's other shit there. Yeah, there's... Something's happening that Chappreepritte doesn't know about. Yeah, that's... That's funny. Jessica, one star, one with this one for this, the MV. If I didn't have to give a star, I wouldn't.

They went the opposite way. Okay, that's fun. That's fun. I like it. My son waited over two months for this and was denied the ability to test. Oh, he's going for a road test. Yeah. Our car windshield had been struck by a rock over the weekend.

We specifically asked the responding trooper if it would be a problem for the test. He stated with the size and location, it would be drivable. Drivable, but not test-worthy. Yeah, and also they don't want to process anything. So when you put those things together, it's no good. It's not happening. The testing facilitator said the state trooper doesn't know the law. I mean.

I hope he does. I hope he does. We're, wow. It's his job to enforce it. I mean, if he doesn't, holy shit, avoid his area. Then the facilitator became aggressive and violent with another parent. Violent? To the point that he actually pushed the kid's father right in front of him.

My God. We're fighting? We're waffle housing in the DMB? Thank God that didn't happen at my road test. It had been bailing my father at a prison after he fucking pummeled this man into the ground. Jesus Christ. Did you, what's the law there for a broken windshield? Because if it's in the driver's eye line, it's illegal.

I don't know. It's all kind of nebulous here. Yeah. It's great. Yeah, it's nice. I like that. It's not so, Arizona's so tiki-tacky and specific. Here, they're like, eh, I mean, that's right.

It's just if it can cause a destruction. I think it's the crack. It's not necessarily a rock chip. Yeah, yeah. It's the. If there's a crack, because when the sun hits it, in Arizona, there's so much sun. If it hits a crack, you get a block. You can blind yourself.

I feel like a cop here looks at it and goes, hey, you could see out of that, right? Yeah, right. And that's fine. Put some sunglasses on. Have a good day. You could see out of that, right? Right, right.

As long as you can see out of it. You got a pair of sunnies, put on some raybats. The fuck out of here. Go ahead. What he's doing? Okay, so we got a fight here. I immediately called Albany and filed a formal complaint. That's the capital of New York, by the way, where all this is based.

Fortunately, Albany was able to assist. The road test is scheduled at a different location for tomorrow, with a note on my son's permit to allow the road test despite the small crack that is well out of sightline. The man working in Middletown will be suspended without pay for a minimum of 30 days during the investigation. Yeah, because he struck somebody. You can't push people at your job ever.

That's crazy. You can't put your hands on anyone. He refused to give his name, but it will be easy to figure out who it is, the only white guy working at the testing site today. Okay. Yeah, both my road test, black ladies. Yeah, that's what it was usually.

Yeah, New York, yeah. I had a jubby Mexican guy that was the lady that went before me was waiting for her license. And I was at the same time I was. So he tested a bunch of people. Then he goes inside and she was waiting for a license. And she goes, where is mine? And he goes, oh, you failed. Oh, you're terrible at this.

She's like, what? And he goes, she goes, why? And he goes, remember when we stopped at the building and I went to get out and you kept driving? That's why. You almost killed me. See? Do you remember when you almost ran me over? You can't do that.

My road test, the lady, just got back from a little afternoon, like, lunchtime fuck date, literally. That was my father called that out sitting there. Messy hair and soaked your passenger seat. How did you know? She pulled up and gets out of the car, passenger side of the car with some, there's some guy driving. And she's smiling and, like, wiping back her hair, then gets in and there's kissing him in the window and just had to. this glow and smile like I just got my pussy pounded.

It was so... Afternoon fuck. And I came up and she's like, how are you guys today? I could have crashed into a wall and she would have passed me. She wasn't even paying attention. She was still in like post-quitled bliss.

It's fucking wild. Swooning in the pasturcy. Do you want to know that the secret to make it a woman go? Not really. Do I make a left to write? Let me show you how to find a find the clitoris now.

No, hold on. But my dad saw, my dad looked at me like, this is good. Like, he gave me this look like, this is good. She's in a good mood. This is very good. This is great. You're driving today. Yeah, you're going to get your license today.

My insurance is about to go up. Yep, this is happening. Oh, this is the one. This is the last one we'll do here. Okay. Credible, one star. Credible. Credible source is their Google thing.

Okay. Yeah. Security guard is extremely rude. was extremely sarcastic and disrespectful. To the Spanish-speaking patrons, he'd say, Come here, stupid. What? What the fuck?

Do you think they don't understand him? Is that what he's? What the fuck? And he'd say, get to the back of the boat. Oh, my God. What the fuck is going on here? Come here, stupid? Oh, that's a fun day.

Wow. Very disturbed. He should be retrained or removed. I think we're beyond retraining. How are you going to clockwork orange retrain him? Like, how do you retrain someone of this? Wow. This is the one with the mustache that goes to the side of the mouth.

Okay. Watch out for that. He's got a big push broom up there and he calls Mexican people stupid. Oh, my God. A lot of people, this is the worst place on earth. Things like that, which is people talk to you like you're an animal. Okay. It's fucking fun.

And then the last one here. Jordan, one star, slow. If you're in a rush, might as well move all your plans. Always crowded. Always smells. Always sunny in Philadelphia. Jesus Christ. What is this?

Oh, man. Oh, wait, I got to do this other one too. Monica, one star. I just read my entire. license, which I had replaced the other day, and they took it upon themselves, A-P-O-N, by the way. They took it upon themselves to

make me an organ donor. I'm living. Yes. They're giving my guts away. That's amazing. You know what? Good. You dummy. You're fucking dead. What do you care? It must be like when you make a profile on any, on any internet thing, and it already clicks the send me emails.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got to unclick it, baby. You didn't unclick it. I just renewed my license. It asks you, do you want to be or not? And it's like, yeah, what do I care? I'm fucking dead. You can, you know, like that old joke, you can fucking donate me to a necrophilia club.

I don't care. Just make sure I'm actually dead. Yeah. Is it David Cross or Pat and Oswald? Fuck me in the ear hole. Make a new hole. Fuck me there. What do I care?

I'm sure that's David Cross. Sounds like it. Throw me away. So now she's an organ donor. Okay. We'll do a couple from another place and then we'll end this whole thing and we'll start next time on this. Now, we're starving, Jimmy. Starvin.

Wow. I've been called stupid. Way too many times. We've been told to go to the back of the boat. Malachi's not going to help me with anything. So here we are. We're going to Taco Bell. Uh-huh.

And maybe the worst reviewed Taco Bell I've ever seen. How many? It is, well, we'll find one second. It's 8340 West 41st Street in Sioux Falls, South Dakota. South Dakota can't get it together with Taco Bill? Apparently not. 2.2 stars. That is tragic.

Shouldn't be open, right? That's not good. You're not reinventing. They literally tell you how. to make these. It's right there. I work there for a day. Trust me. They do. It's very easy. Timothy, five stars. So far, this location hasn't messed up any of my orders and they keep online ordered meal boxes in their boxes instead of piling it all in a big bag and forgetting my items like other Taco Bells. That'll get you five stars, just doing that. Bair minimum.

Don't destroy the food when you put it in the bag. Bairman. They didn't even say if it tasted good, if it was well prepared. That's how easy it is to get five stars. At a Taco Bell. By the way, food five stars, service five stars, atmosphere five stars. Oh, that Taco Bell atmosphere. Mary five stars. We love Bree at this Taco Bell.

She's a ray of sunshine. It's a fucking Taco Bell. Isn't that Bree that used to be with Charlie Shane? What was her name of Bree? The porn star? Yeah. I remember that. She is a real ray of sunshine.

She's a ray of sunshine. Always at a great attitude and is always so good to my son and I. Yes, she is. She's so good to us. She jerks my son off around the counter. She gets me my tacos on time. Renee, five, or three stars. It was an okay.

It was okay. It's Taco Bell. That's how every review should be. Yeah. At the rest of fast food places on earth, the workers are uninterested. You can't print out a receipt. So you enter your information to have it texted or eat. emailed. Of course, the email did not go through to my work. I needed it, so thanks for the hassle

of getting me in trouble at work. Go to your spam folder. That's where it is. Probably in your promotions or whatever the fuck it is. Yeah. Try getting some paper so a person can print out a receipt if needed. One person didn't get their drink. The workers acted like they couldn't see him for Pete's sake. He's just a mirage. Yeah. Okay. And then Chris, two stars. The last two times I was here, my food looks like someone's sad on it. Just sad. That's the worst when you get the big bag of Taco Bell and they pile like 12 pounds of food on it. So the bottom layer is just this smash, destroyed, mangled, steamed messy shit.

You have to eat it now. Oh, right now. And if you have a five-minute ride home, if you ordered crunchy tacos, those are now soft tacos. At least the bottoms are. Yeah. At least the bottom falls out. That's it. You go, oh, great, that's nice.

Then you have to scoop it up. Then you scoop it up with the other part of the shell, it's still stiff. If you've got anything with some heft to it, that will inevitably and undeniably be on top of all of that. Of the crunchy tacos, for sure. Making them inedible. To both steam and smash them. That's what you want them to be mushy and broken somehow at the same time, even though that's... You now have a taco salad wrapped up in a bowl.

Yes, you do. Next up is a picture of, I don't even know what the fuck it is. It doesn't look good, though. Tanner, one star. Poor customer service. Ordered, came out wrong on three items and shorted two tacos. I mean... That happens all the time.

It's gross and terrible. You just, that's the game at Taco Bell. It is. You're playing roulette. You don't know what you're getting at any point. And if you get what you want, you're psyched, five stars. Cross your fingers, yeah. Yeah.

We go through the drive-thru with me and my kids and we all order a value of meal, whatever the fuck, value it, whatever. A value of meal. I don't know what it's called there. Yeah, yeah, they're combo meals. Yeah. I order a number whatever, they order a number, whatever. We get it in the car. We got three drinks. We're heading down the road.

We get home and we open the bag. And it's somebody's combo is not going to be all together. Well, it's adventure time at that point. Yeah. Now it's time to figure out what we're really eating. Now it's time to figure out if we're actually going to. and not be lazy and make something. I will probably only eat one taco and I will be pissed that you two are full.

But that's the way it goes. But, hey, that's what we're going to do here. That's what we did. We agreed that. Yeah. When you agree to Taco Bell, that's the pact that you're making. As soon as you enter the drive-thru and spit your bullshit order into that microphone, that's the contract that you have just signed. He had us bring the food up and he dug through each meal trying to find the correct meat after aggressively tearing them apart.

Oh. None of the dinning room tables were cleaned. Two ends. Two ends. The one gal was nice behind the counter and said, sorry, other guy that rummaged through all the chalupas, very poor manners and customer service. Rummaged through the chalupas is a wonderful...

That's disgusting. Someday I'm going to write a book of poetry and call it rummaging through the chalupas. That's the name of my book of poetry. It's coming out. That's going to be my comedy special, and there will be no jokes about rummaging through the chalupas. Rummaging through the chalupas. It's a book of children's poetry, or it's nothing.

There will be no references to rummaging nor chalupas. Countless times are we missing stuff in drive-through and orders wrong. Do better, Taco Bell. I have heard good things about one on TikTok on Minnesota Avenue in Sioux Falls, but this is a new one at 41st and T. Ellis is terrible. I even drove past an old one to get the new one to get to the new one thinking, thing it would be better. I think thinking is what they're going for. Wrong.

We pay extra for add one and sauces and rarely do they ever get it right. Just make it right the first place. We use the kiosk, so pretty hard to mess up the order when you're literally starring at the screen. Starring at it. Starring at it and no ditting. I'm starring and I'm not dinning shit. unsatisfied and was completely rude. Do better!

Okay. You're telling me that person that can't spell dining or staring could handle the kiosk. That person got their order correct? All right. It's never their fault. So there we go. Let us leave it right there. We will pick up with this shitty Taco Bell next week.

I can't wait to hear it out falls apart. It's going to be great. We've only gotten like the two stars. Those are the happy stuff. These people aren't even pissed yet. These people aren't even pissed yet. So we got that. We've been told to go to the back of the boat.

Malachi was no help at the hot topic. And of course, we've been pissing on bushes all day. So it's been a long day, everybody. We've got to go. James, I went 17 holes thinking this was a golf ball. It's just a rock. It's just a rock I've been hitting. Bald as bald as shit.

So there you go. Everybody, hope you enjoyed this if you want to check out everything that we do. Listen to Crime and Sports and listen to Small Town Murder. Also, you can watch that on Netflix. And those are just like they sound, except very funny. Shut up and Give Me Murder.com is where you get all the merch, all the information, and tickets to small-town murder live shows and the like. So do that. Come out.

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