Your Transformation Station - 95. Breaking YOUR Generational Traumas

Episode Date: February 16, 2022

Breaking generational trauma: (Elena Perrella) "Characteristics of an ethical leader" can only be revealed when you have cleared the toxic cloud from covering the pages of your inner story. Join me, "Greg Favazza" as I wind down the paths of trauma with life coach Elena Perella, who focuses on (leadership, parenting, relationships, and life style). We will discover the process of demolition and why toxic family baggage can weigh us down. PODCAST INFO: Podcast website: ⁠⁠https://www.ytsthepodcast.com⁠⁠ Apple Podcasts: ⁠⁠https://www.ytsthepodcast.com/apple⁠⁠ Spotify: ⁠⁠https://www.ytsthepodcast.com/spotify⁠⁠ RSS: ⁠⁠https://www.ytsthepodcast.com/rss⁠⁠ YouTube: ⁠⁠https://www.ytsthepodcast.com/youtube⁠⁠ SUPPORT & CONNECT: - Facebook: ⁠⁠https://www.ytsthepodcast.com/facebook⁠⁠ - Instagram: ⁠⁠https://www.ytsthepodcast.com/instagram⁠⁠ - TikTok: ⁠⁠https://www.ytsthepodcast.com/tiktok⁠⁠ - Twitter: ⁠⁠https://www.ytsthepodcast.com/x⁠⁠ - Pinterest: ⁠⁠https://www.ytsthepodcast.com/pinterest⁠⁠ - Linkedin: ⁠⁠https://www.ytsthepodcast.com/linkedin⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

your types of trauma that you experience, what exactly did that teach you? Actually, I understood that traumas don't teach you anything. If they come from our family's toxic emotional inheritance, if they are caused by our family's toxic emotional inheritance. Why? Because everything that we need to know about ourselves and life is written inside of us. And so we only need the love of our parents to read those lessons that are already inside of us. But if this instruction manual that we have inside is covered up by the toxicity that we inherited from our family, then we cannot read it.

How can you create a transformation in others if there's no transformation in in in? In yourself. Join your host, Greg Favaza, as your voice on the hard truths of leadership, your transformation station connecting clarity to the cutting edge of leadership. As millennials, we can establish change, not only ourselves, but through organizational change, bringing transparency that goes beyond the organization and reflects back into ourselves. extracting, extracting, actionable advice and alternative perspectives that will take you outside of yourself. Where are you located, Greg? Yes, ma'am. I'm actually located in St. Robert, Missouri in the U.S.

Okay. Yeah, yeah. I didn't remember the state, Missouri. Yes, ma'am. Are you located in Italy? Yep, I'm in Italy. Yes. What part of Italy? In Sardinia. Okay. Is that a northern? It's an island.

No, it's an island. Oh, okay. One of the two big islands. You have Sicily and you have Sardinia. I'm familiar with the Sicily, not with the other one. Okay. Yeah. I have some family.

Have you ever been here? No, ma'am. My great grandmother and my grandmother came from Sicily. I thought that you were That you had Italian blood Because of your surname Favats, I thought okay Yes ma'am

Yeah but you never visited Sicily No ma'am No I've heard a lot of great things from my elders But no I thought that would be really cool to do someday It should We're gonna roll with it And we'll see

what happens. Elena, welcome to your transformation station. How are you doing today? Good.

Thank you so much, Greg, for having me. Yes, ma'am. You have a really unique background and I resonate with this

tremendously. Can you, I would prefer if you could illustrate and share your focus and what you exactly do, just paint us a little snapshot about yourself.

Okay. Would you like that I begin from my childhoods or do you prefer to hear something that has to do with the teenage? Ah, yes, yes, ma'am. So let me preface the interview before we go into it. I like to have an authentic conversation. So when I have guests on, they sometimes they'll monologue and they'll talk about nonsense that they avoid the point. But I feel like with your background and what you want to share, I feel like we're going to hit right to the point. But you're a personal coach.

Your life coaching practice. I want to make sure I say this correctly. a senate send to yeah sent he do ah much better

and you you have essentially you have coached yourself through severe depression eating disorders and domestic violence and

you've become extremely skilled at identifying the inner obstacles that you've faced and now you're teaching other on how to hone the skill set that you were able to achieve. Can you tell us a little bit about that? Yes.

Yes. I understood that those experiences were a manifestation of my family's toxic emotional inheritance. You know, because we inherit an emotional baggage from our parents' previous generations. And in this baggage, you there? Yes, ma'am. In this baggage, there are beautiful things, but also less beautiful things. And the less beautiful things that I inherited were toxic tendencies, toxic beliefs, a lack of love. And I was repeating generational pains.

Because, for example, the indivores that I went through, my mother had a troubled relationship with food. She has also a lack of self-love and she has many fears and the sense of insecurity. So she passed that on to me. And she fuels all that with her unhealthy parenting, unfortunately, because she neglected me emotionally. She suppressed me emotionally. And so I developed eating disorders. The same for domestic violence, for example. example. I was repeating my grandmother story because the mother of my mother was married with a narcissist, psychopath and sociopath. And my ex-partner was exactly the same. And narcissists, psychopath and sociopath. So I was repeating, unfortunately, my grandmother's

story passed on to me by my mother because she also didn't have a very happy marriage. When did you recognize that you were repeating this generational curse? When I was 19, because when I was 19, I awoke due to my father's death. He died and suddenly I opened my eyes and I began to see things for what they really are. And I understood that what I was going through, I was suffering from eating disorders at that time, was manifestation of the family program, the family script. Yeah. So that's really interesting that I'm sorry, first off, my condolences for your father passing.

And what's interesting about these types of situations is it usually takes something drastic to occur for us to have this a mere moment of reflection and looking at ourselves. and seeing what's actually going on in their life. And somehow we can recognize these bad habits that have been happening or outside factors that are contributing to our unhealthy lifestyle. Yes, it is true. As far as I know, for many, many of us, this happens due to a tragic event, the awakening.

Yeah, yeah. Now I know that it is possible to awake and look inward also without going through such a tragic event like I went through. But there must be, we have to choose. We have to make the choice to acknowledge that we are suffering, that there is something that is not going the right way in our lives and make the choice that we want to understand what we want to acknowledge, why we feel that way we are dissatisfied with ourselves.

I completely agree. And with your support that you're offering, it's highlighting relationships, parenting, leadership, and lifestyle. Now, from your types of trauma that you experience, what exactly did that teach you? Actually, I understood that traumas don't teach you anything. if they come from our family's toxic emotional inheritance, if they are caused by our family's toxic emotional inheritance. Why? Because everything that we need to know about ourselves and life

is written inside of us. And so we only need the love of our parents to read those lessons that are already inside of us. but if this instruction manual that we have inside is covered up by the toxicity that we inherit from our family, then we cannot read it, you know, because this family's toxic emotional inheritance is like a cloud. No, I... Yes, no, I agree completely. I have a lot of experiences that you've mentioned as far as one would be with depression.

I mean, I just gotten over that recently. I've been working myself to death just to avoid the fact that I was depressed. I was staying so busy that I didn't know because I never took a moment for myself to see and see exactly how I was feeling. Yeah. Was that how? Not easy indeed. Was that how it was like for you? No, actually I, when I woke when I'm 19, I saw what I had.

So I didn't run from all the problems that I was manifesting. And actually, I was so happy, so relieved that I could see the root cause that I couldn't wait to, to eliminate it. So I began to work on myself when I was 19 to eliminate all those toxic elements that my family passed on to me. So it wasn't easy. Keep going. I'm sorry.

Well, it wasn't easy because I did myself. So this is why also it took a long time. But I was very, I can say, yeah, I can say happy that I. could see what was actually really going on with me that it wasn't sure if I behaved in those way and if through all those experiences and it was something that I inherited and that I had the choice now that I was awake to eliminate actually tap into my own essence that was covered up by all those elements, toxic elements. Now when you say you awoke at this specific age,

what exactly did you do at that moment that you've realized that these people around you, the ones that you thought were actually your support system were actually hindering you in your life and only holding you back where you could be so much more. Yeah, it was very painful when I saw that the system, my family wasn't that supportive as I believed in the past. That was very, very painful. Yeah.

Yeah. But it was reality, you know, it had always been that way. The only difference is that before my father's death, I didn't see it. I began to see it after his death. And so what I did after a year, he died, I left home and moved abroad. I went to the Netherlands because I couldn't stay here. That's brilliant. Like that is the only way that I see that's actually beneficial is to remove the people completely.

You can't maintain a relationship. I communicated with people. they said they can't leave their family because they want to maintain some sort of contact through just like through the holidays like no if they're holding you back you get rid of them fuck them i totally agree with you and i am so happy that you say it's you know because many people many many people are scared to talk like that about family but you know it is as it is you cannot chase them and you You cannot stay where you don't feel comfortable. And so, you know, it's better to break the relationship and save yourself than to stay and buy little by little because they will survive. But you won't. So. Greed.

And this is why it is important. Agree. Agree. Like with my history, I've experienced trauma on. a very deep level, sexual abuse, physical abuse. I had my shoulder broken at six months by an abusing parent. I've had, I grew up with an alcoholic father. I'm the youngest of seven and you think you would have the greatest life.

No, that wasn't the case at all. But I didn't know what was normal. I was on another show and I was trying to communicate how important it is to be able to express these situations that you were in rather than holding them in or trying to frame your mind to think, oh, I had a great childhood when in reality you didn't. But the problem with that that I've noticed is when I would go to a dinner at a friend's house or a professional or public gathering, I wouldn't know how to sit. at a dinner table. Like if they're eating, I wouldn't know what to do because I felt so uncomfortable

and so unprepared for a situation that I should have been taught how to do naturally. Yeah, yeah. I totally agree with you. I'm so sorry for what happened to you. Yeah.

Yeah. And you see, as I said, it's better to break up the relationship and save yourself because then if you become aware of what you have inherited, then you make a great chance to unleash who you really are and then have a great life. You know, I did this for myself and I was determined to win. I didn't want to end up like my family members and I didn't want to be a copy of anybody. I wanted to be

myself who I really am. So I had to really uncover myself. I like that. Don't want to be a copy. I really do like that. For survivors of trauma, like, is there a way or something that, like a little piece of action, actionable advice that you can give to our listeners, how they can harness their trauma and become. a leader or just improve their leadership skills? Yeah, I can say what I did, actually.

It was when I woke up, I began to reflect on myself and my behavior. So trying to understand what am I doing. Is this really my choice or is it my trauma that is choosing for me? Who am I feeling? Am I feeling because of some internal pain? And what is it about? And I began also to observe behavior and to see how I behaved,

to understand, for example, how would I behave if I didn't listen to the pain inside of me? What would be my choice? to display a constructive behavior. And so little by little, in this way, I identified those toxic elements, for example, the anxiety of my mother,

her lack of love, insecurities of my father, and I challenged myself to eliminate those by, for example, doing things that I really loved. and that for me were difficult to do, not because I couldn't, but because of the baggage that I was carrying that was saying to me, you are not worthy, you are not adequate, you are a failure. And so I challenged all those toxic beliefs that were passed on to me. And little by little, I eliminated those.

Now I can understand where you're coming from. and this type of reflection, this type of awareness that you've developed, that is something that you have experienced this type of trauma that's been repeatedly occurring every day to the point where you are now seeing and recognizing and just anticipating on how your mother or your father might act before that action actually occurs. Yeah, exactly. Yes, yes.

I could see how I was, for example, in many things, I was my mother and not me. And so by seeing that, I thought, okay, I don't want to be the way. So what would be beyond choice? And that helped me a lot. And also another thing that I did, I allowed myself to cry, you know, because there was, that was necessary.

It was the cry that needed love and nurture, especially love because I was never oft. My mother didn't want to have children. So, and allowing myself to cry that out, that pain helped me a lot also. Yeah. I agree. completely. It took me joining the military and then leaving and then moving three different states and then isolating myself in a closet essentially for days just to feel what I was running

from. Because everywhere I went, I thought it was the state or the place that I was in. So I was like, well, I'm going to run. I'm going to go here. But I still kept feeling the same feeling and then that's when I finally decided to just feel what I've been running and it was a lot. It was a shit ton. Yeah. Yeah. Wow.

You do have a great courage. It takes a great courage to do something like that. I did in myself too. And you really have to be strong to feel all those feelings or at least if you do it, alone. I presume you did it alone. Yeah, you see. Yeah, and I did it too. And this is why I am here for other people. I don't heal traumas, but I know how to make this process easier and faster because we don't, people like you and me, we went through a passage of self-demolition, I think. And it is not needed. We can do it also without going through that tormenting passage of self-demolition

if we have someone like us who did it before and know how to make it easier for others. No, I agree. Like this is what I'm trying to preach within the business field and inside organizations, people that have experienced these issues, they're being held back. They're not reaching their full potential. And there needs to be a new type of leadership today that are running every type of organization. I feel like if we can equip them with our knowledge,

our experience, we can give them these skill sets, then we can set a new standard in what it means to be human today and how we can actually bring people together because we've experienced a lot of similar things that we all been avoiding. Yes, yeah, you hit the nail. We do need a new leadership

and a new kind of human being. This is what I do. I help people become new human beings free from those toxic conditionings, from family and society, and free to choose how to feel, to think, to behave because it is possible. I achieved that goal. So if I did it, then other people can tool, you know. And from there, we can create a new reality and raise a new generation of children.

Yes. Yeah. Definitely. I definitely agree. Now, I want to pivot our conversation a little bit into inside the organization. How could you orchestrate culture around those who have survived trauma in an organizational setting? Could you be a little bit more specific? Yes, ma'am.

With establishing a new leadership standard, how can we? use our trauma as wisdom for those that have experienced it and those and learn from it and those that are in this leadership position when they encounter people that have experienced trauma how can they pass along their knowledge that you're trying to teach and it can continue to ripple out well first the leader has to be healed of course he has to to be free

from those toxic conditionings because in that way it will be so easy to understand the people that you work for and with because when you are clean inside from all those

conditionings that prevent you to see things for what they really are then you can very easily and then the people that you have in front of you and you can guide them and lead them to achieve the same goal helping them evolve and grow

because if you are so free as a leader the way you talk, the way you move, the way you interact with others is healing. It heals people, you know? And because it makes them feel safe and secure, it makes them feel understood. And when they feel that way, they open up.

And without even knowing it, they begin to heal. And if they begin to heal, then they uncover their essence and they will use their potential to its fullest. This is all a new leader needs to be free first from those toxic conditionings so that he can unleash this potential and guide his people without them even knowing that they are evolving. Wow. Okay. That is really insightful and that has that I feel elevated. I like that. Thank you. So when I was in when I was active duty and I was going through basic training and I remember this experience in basic training out of all the years I was in, me being me just how I was in the worst like conditions that we have met so far just beginning our, my military experience. people were miserable, but then they would look at me and they would say,

Pavasa's just, he's happy and he's just being him. And that brought perspective. It broadened and brighten the morale in the room. And people told me about that. And I just didn't understand, you know, because I thought it was just me being used to the fact that I could dissociate from my traumas. So it's like a walk in the park going through basic training. And then people are looking at me like, how is he doing that?

He's just, he's being happy. Yeah. But wow, that really hits home for me personally. Yeah, that's it. And I think that this is, I think, I know, I am sure that this, this leadership is achievable by many. you know? Yes, ma'am. Agree.

Agree. Do you believe that trauma is impacting the current status of what is for right now inside businesses today as the great resignation occurring in our work population today? Yes, it is because otherwise the world wouldn't be this way. You know, we as humans, as I see, are not evolved much, not evolved as we might think. Otherwise, there would be peace everywhere.

But there is conflict everywhere. There is conflict in family, in relationships, in organizations, and locally and globally. So it is, for me, views, that trauma is impacting everything. leadership tool. Wow.

I never thought of it like that on such a high level to see how that could disintegrate down to all these little variables that affect how our society operates as a whole. Yeah. But it is. In your field, in your field of experience, have you seen a response and an organization, have you seen a response and organizations towards this type of history and employees, whether it's positive or negative? Not yet.

I am staying a little bit outside now and observing how everything is going. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. And yeah, what my intention is then understanding better. how create an opening. I would like to open a door for this new leadership. I like, I really do.

Now, where can we find your coaching services? And do you practice in person and remote. And what else would you like to share our audience with today? You can find me on, well, you can visit my website. This is senti-do.com. You can find me on Facebook, LinkedIn and YouTube. Yes, ma'am. And do you do remote work and in-person work, I'm assuming?

No, for now only remote. Yes, ma'am. Yes, only online. But as soon as things get calmed down, then probably I will do also. I will invite people here. Yeah, but for now only online. Yes, ma'am. Now, is there anything else that you would like to share our audience with that you haven't got to mention yet?

What can I share? I would like to say to people that things are changing. and very, very fast. And if they are going to change for the better, I am not sure, but I am sure that there can be a new reality, a different reality, a better reality for the people who understand the message that we were talking about today, Greg. And I invite you to take action,

to not give up on yourself and take action. I really like that. That's fantastic. Well, I, Elena, I really do appreciate you coming on to your transformation station. Thank you so much. Yes,

ma'am. Now, Elena, did you get everything you wanted to share with everyone? Yes. Beautiful. Beautiful.

I will edit the show and put everything up, make it sound real great. And I will, will send you a copy and give you links and all that great stuff and you can share it. And I'll share it on my end. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, I wanted to thank you so much because I really like what you said, you know. Thank you for sharing your experiences. And also for having this, this, how can I say, this idea, this, this, uh, perspective on people and life that is, wow, for me, you're one of the few that has the cars so straight and honestly. Yeah. Thank you. That really reinforces what I'm doing and makes me feel good.

Yeah. Okay. Well, I will be in touch. So then, yes, I don't know if, because I see that there is a delay. I hope that the recording went well. It did. It went very well. I was able to catch it and hold myself.

So we collided a little bit, but overall the recording went well. Yes, ma'am. Okay. Good. So and let's be touched. I will accept your invitation on LinkedIn. I saw that you send it to me. Yes, ma'am.

And let me know then. Okay. Yes, ma'am. All righty. Okay. Thank you. You take care. Bye.

Bye. You too. You've been listening to your transformation station, your voice on the hard truths of leadership. We hope you've enjoyed the show. We hope you've gotten some useful and practical information. Make sure to like, rate and review the show. Remember, your transformation station is on all major platforms, including Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, TikTok. and YouTube and visit the website till next time.

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