Your World Within Podcast by Eddie Pinero - Heather Monahan | How To Overcome Your Villains

Episode Date: September 12, 2021

Today's guest is Heather Monahan. Heather is a best-selling author, keynote speaker, entrepreneur and founder of Boss In Heels. In this episode we discuss building your confidence, strengthening your mindset during our most challenging times and overcoming both internal and external villains.  You can pre-order Heather's second book, Overcome Your Villains, here: https://overcomeyourvillains.com/

Welcome to the Your World Within podcast. This week I got to sit down with Heather Monahan, who is an incredible keynote and Ted Speaker. She's the author of the book Confidence Creator, as well as host of the top-ranked podcast Creating Confidence. And author of the soon-to-be-released book, Overcome Your Villains. And so we had a great conversation across the board from how to be more confident, the way you perceive, confidence to identifying, overcoming villains, and just living your best life. A lot of great valuable information here. And I'm excited to dive into it. Heather's new book is coming out in November. I believe it's available for pre-order now. So I'll leave a link in the description of both the podcast and the YouTube video. So feel free to check that out. Quick note, your boy here sometimes struggles to remember to hit the record button. So the first questions, you just jump right into the middle of it. But basically I'm asking Heather about confidence and how it's perceived as a journey and something that's cyclical as opposed to the idea that confidence is something that you have or you don't,

an offer an on switch. And she talks about how it's much more than that. It is a lifelong journey. So that's where the conversation picks up. And lastly, if you enjoy this podcast, if you get value from it, I would greatly appreciate you to leave a review on Apple. It helps me get this thing out to the world and more folks who would find value as well. So without further ado, here's Heather Monahan. They're successful or their moments of time where, you know, I'm struggling, you know, whether you have a new baby and you don't know how to be a parent at first or you're, you know, up and coming and safe.

and you're trying to find your way and you're doubting everything that you do versus when you make it to the top and think that, you know, you're super confident. And then for me, I made it to the top and then I got fired. And that was really the jolt to say that, you know, real true confidence is something inside of you. It's not about a paycheck. It's not about a car. And for a long time, I've been putting it on these external things, thinking that meant confidence. And it wasn't true confidence. So I don't know that it just was kind of like this realization that it's okay that Eben Flo. And that's kind of part of the whole process. When you really find that certainty and confidence within, it's fine when those other things, you know, move up and down. Yeah, yeah.

I loved in your book when you were like, you know, every once in a while I come across someone and says, you know, I don't have a confidence problem. And your thought was, well, then maybe you're not growing, you know, at the level you should be growing. It's so true. And, you know, it's funny is when I first created that book and published it, and I went on social media and I said something to the effect of,

I'm super scared. This is my first book, a confidence creator. and someone wrote, why would I buy a book from someone called Confidence Creator if they're scared to release it? And I went right on the comments. I said, that's exactly why you should because I'm so real. I'm so confident in who I am. I'm willing to own that I'm scared to death to put this out here. You don't want to buy a book from someone called Confidence Creator that says that they've got it on lock.

They've always had their confidence. They never dip because then they're the ones that are full of it. That is just not real. That's so funny. Yeah, someone said to me once, because I think it's inevitable. You know, you have a big online presence. And there's always going to be people that have something negative to say. It doesn't matter what your thought is.

And, you know, this ties into overcoming your villains. But I heard the quote that's like, no one that's more successful than you, or, you know, that's a subjective word. But no one that's content with themselves in their journey would ever say that, you know? No, you never hear from a hater that's further along than you are, right? Like, they're not out there. If they're out there killing it, why would they be looking at? back at you to give you a hard time. They wouldn't.

These are people, hurt people, hurt people. So typically the hater is someone that's struggling, having a bad day, going through a tough time and like maybe they're really doubting themselves and they're looking outward to try to make themselves feel better. So I try to have a lot of empathy when I see those people show up online. Yeah, yeah. So something that you mentioned that I totally, totally related.

It was funny. There were so many times that I know I've already said this like twice, but really like I went to Holy Cross. I know you went to Clark down the street, came to, you know, came to, um, to Miami. And there were stops in between for you. Um, but I, I sort of had the same realization where throughout this process, like, you know, a pretty bad breakup brought me down here. There were like big swings and misses in my career that had me, you know, and,

whether you're talking about your job relocation in Michigan, your end of your relationship, like those things ended up being so. valuable for you and ended up helping you become more confident and successful. And I thought that was such a beautiful way of putting it. And maybe you can talk about that. Yeah. So it's funny because I haven't talked about this book recently. So it's so funny to be talking about it now. You know, there's a chapter in that book. And I think it's called always look for the silver lining. And here's the meaning behind that is when you're going through the tough times, it's impossible to forecast how it's going to work out. You don't know, right? You just have to

trust and keep moving forward, taking messy action, and seeing where things go, you don't know. However, when you look back, it's really easy to connect the dots and say, oh, wow, had that guy never cheated on me? I wouldn't have jumped on that plane and moved to Michigan to become an equity partner to make this huge, you know, a huge successful win for myself and my partners in a very young age. I took that chance on myself because I wanted to get away from that breakup, right so all these different seemingly bad things were pushing me towards greatness and towards opportunity i probably would have never gone for if i hadn't been so upset about a breakup or you know whatever crazy thing was going on yeah it sort of pushes you outside yourself um do you think

and maybe this isn't a black and white thing but do you think in some of those situations um the the villain or the obstacle however you want to put it is is is both internal and external, or how do you frame that? I totally believe there's internal and external. You know, the biggest villain anyone will ever have and their life is the one that lives between their own two years, right? Because that's the one that's directing you, that's guiding you, that's one you can't escape. I work with a villain, you know, side by side for 14 years.

I could leave her at the end of the day and go home and be away from her. Right. Like, yes, having negative people who are trying to hold you back in your sphere is never good. But the worst one you can ever have is the one that's rooted inside of you. And that's the first one that needs to get plucked out. Yeah. I was thinking about the other day there's because I know I can't wait to read the new book and you dive into it a little bit in, why am I drawing a blank? Confidence creators. The idea of villains. And I was thinking like there is like a particular group of folks that I link up with sometimes. And they are

just the nicest people. But there's this, I want to say, facade of, like, they're very good at marketing themselves. And in a way, there's a lack of depth, right? It's like, it's marketing 101. And it's almost like, well, what exactly, what value are you adding? And when we leave the conversation, I find myself, I think the way you put it was, you have less energy or you don't feel as good as you did when you walked into the room. and I'm like, I don't want to be around that anymore.

And then I started thinking, and this is why I'm so excited to get your response. It's like, well, is that them? Or is that because maybe that's the area of my life that I need to pay more attention to? I'm a firm believer that if, you know, paying attention to yourself, noticing yourself journaling, really kind of being self-aware, right? It is critical to developing yourself to become, you know, the best possible version of you out there. With that being said, when you notice how you feel, whether you feel depleted or or you feel energized when you leave people's company,

what you just explained to me is you're feeling a bit depleted that this wasn't a really authentic communication and supportive interaction. When you feel like that, that is yourself telling you something's not right there for you, right? These are people who are in your circle, but they're probably not in your corner, right? They're not advocates and champions for you.

I choose to really pay attention and curate that circle well and taking people like that and remove, moving them. Again, doesn't mean they're bad. I call them villains, but they're a sneaky villain, right? They're not doing something horrible to you, but it's like over time. You just don't feel like that great version of yourself. You're settling for a conversation. You're not really excited about. Suddenly you start saying time is the most precious thing we have. I'm going to stop spending my time with people that aren't elevating me and start spending my time finding those people that are going to challenge me, encourage me and help me grow. Are there things you do to

step out and sort of get that clarity. I know you mentioned journaling is a big piece and just becoming more self-aware, but someone that maybe is going to do that internal struggle, how might they step out outside that? Oh my gosh. So, I mean, my new book is about a three-step process to overcome any adversity. So I'll just talk you through the process because this is what I would do if someone said to me, Heather, I'm in a rut. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to get out. The first thing I challenge everyone to do is to dismantle the belief, right? So I'd say, what is this belief that you have right now? And maybe they say the belief is I'm just not smart enough. I'm not smart enough to succeed. I'm not smart enough to get ahead. I'm just not smart enough.

So when you dismantle that belief, I'm asking everyone to take that belief and break it down to only fact. I only want to hear fact. I don't want to hear opinion of yours, your friends, your families, whatever. Give me the fact. What is a factual basis? Have you been tested and the test results came back, not smart? no like there's no what what test is that right right no maybe maybe you weren't at the top of your class but that doesn't mean you're not smart right so you have to dismantle whatever belief you're holding and for me a lot of times you know in my life i've had the belief that um women can't get ahead right i can't get to the sea suite i have to dismantle that belief i've been told that but who says that's not possible for me i'm the only person that can determine what's possible for me so

we need to stop talking ourselves out of it and coming out with excuses and start choosing to step into the fear and into the potential. That's the only way we're going to know what the facts and the truths are. And you have to challenge yourself like that on the daily. The second piece of the three-step process is to take action. And it doesn't mean jump off a bridge. I mean, you could take a small action, but you have to take some action towards addressing the challenge. So if it is that you're saying, I'm not smart enough. Okay, we dismantled that belief. We found out it was not a fact. was no factual basis there. Now we need to take action. We need to put you into a situation where you're going to challenge this. So maybe it means going into a meeting that you felt

nervous to go into because you didn't want to be exposed as not smart, right? It's stepping and taking action into those moments where you're questioning. You've realized that was not factual. You've now put yourself in that meeting and guess what? You didn't get kicked out. You lived through it, right? It was never as bad as what you thought. But taking the action is the only thing that's going to help starting you to building momentum and seeing in real time, this was not true to begin with. And the final step is knowledge. And that's the knowledge that you choose to curate and surround yourself with to support yourself moving forward. So that night, you were at work in the morning. You're questioning if you're smart enough. You dismantled your belief, found out it wasn't factual.

You took action. You went into a meeting. He felt scared to go into and you live through it. That wasn't a truth either. Now you're going home at night. What TED Talk are you going to watch? What podcast are you going to listen to? Start curating the. information that you're going to access to encourage yourself to keep going and build that momentum to go forward. That's awesome. That's awesome. And so for taking action, because this is a big part of your story. And I think every successful person, this is this is tied in is sort of stepping off the ledge before you know what the landing spot is and kind of trusting that things will work. Like I remember you saying after you lost your,

your job, you were at one point getting offers. But you were like, you were like, this isn't really my jam. And someone that like didn't have that discipline or trust to continue moving forward in the direction that felt authentic to them could easily have made a wrong left turn, ended up in a place that wasn't good for them. So yeah, I'd love to just hear you talk about that,

the value of moving forward when you're not quite sure, you know, what things will look like. Well, this is my whole life. I would always second guess. I would be in meetings and say, these people aren't innovating.

Why is no one listening to my great ideas? but I never walked out the door. I never stood up and said, guys, enough. This is, I've got more potential in me. I'm going to go somewhere where people respond differently to me versus try to hold me back. So for a long time, I wouldn't take that leap, right? So it took me getting pushed out. I was literally fired, right?

However, like I always say to my son, that day that woman thought she fired me, I had actually fired my number one villain. And when you fire your number one villain, you set yourself up to take off. And that's where I started recognizing that, successful people don't know the how, but they bet on themselves to figure it out along the way. I didn't know the how. I didn't know what I was going to do next. I didn't know what the business would look like. I didn't know any of these things, but I decided for a long enough time, I've sat in the back seat, letting other people tell me where to go and steer where my life was going. I'm going to sit in front now, not knowing exactly where I'm going, but I'm going to double down on me because I believe that potential's within me.

and over time I'll figure it out. I love that. So is it too generalized to say that you have the why and you start moving and you just let the how fall in up? Not that it's a passive thing, but like it's less important. The details are less important than the objective. The details are less important, but don't forget in the three-step process, action is number two.

You have to have action. So for example, when I first got fired, I didn't just sit around my house meditating that something great was going to happen. Every day I was taking massive action. I was reaching out to people asking for help. I was posting about the fact that I got fired and that I needed some opportunity. I was responding to people immediately when they would offer me help. And I would say, great, can you do this?

And I would point and ask questions like, Froggy, get me on the Elvis Duran show. And he did. And I jumped on a plane and I flew to New York. Right. Like it was all about massive action. And it was messy. It wasn't perfect. And it wasn't some part of some big plan or strategy I had.

It was about moving forward. You know, there's a story. I don't remember if it was your TED talk or your book, but you talked about a comedy class. I think it might have been your first book. And you were saying how it was like a weird thing. And you were like, I don't know why I'm doing this. But because you did that, you found out you had this gift of storytelling. And it's like one of these things that you, I guess, wouldn't have found if you didn't step off the train of normalcy.

And so you do that, which is really inspiring to me. It's like you don't look at life in boxes. Like you let yourself kind of drift towards what feels right and expand and grow that way. Is that a good summary? Would you recommend that, I guess, mindset for people? Drift never comes up in my world. I'm not drifting anywhere. I definitely not because I see drifting as like letting the wind carry you somewhere.

I don't agree with that. However, the story that you brought up, I do want to dive into that story. I had been told by a friend, I was saying something's off. Like I'm not living up to my potential, but I don't know what I want to do. I'm stuck. I don't know what to do. He said, you know, I think you should take a stand-up comedy class. And I said, oh, that sounds horrible.

He said, even more reason to go. And when I asked him to explain that, it really impacted me. He said, if you're having this level of resistance to something, you've got to see it through. You've got to walk into that uncomfortable. You've got to walk into that not familiar. And so for so long in my life, I was only staying in familiar. It felt challenging to even walk into something that I didn't know. So it was really, I didn't love it, but it was good that I did it.

I was teaching myself just because it doesn't feel comfortable, just because it's not familiar, doesn't mean you can't do it. And what I ended up learning there was that I actually had, I had a talent that I didn't know was a talent because nobody had ever really sat down to explain to me that this was something you could do for a living or it was a business. I just had always spoken at work for work. And I thought that was part of being an executive in corporate America. I had no idea it was a multi-billion dollar business.

But that day on that stage, in that, stand-up comedy class, the teacher said to me, you have a gift with your speaking like something I haven't seen. And then it started to make me think, is this possible for me? Maybe this is possible. Again, I didn't have the strategy. I didn't know how it was going to play out, but it's dropping that seed of knowledge and that, wait, there's something of value I can offer here. Maybe this is something that can build into something business or something else eventually. Awesome. Yeah. And I appreciate that correction. I meant more like explore, have the courage to push boundaries as a opposed to like. Okay. I like, I like those words. No, that's a big difference, big difference.

And so with that, because I'm thinking about, you know, a lot of folks, I get a lot of messages about people that are starting things, you know, like you've come a long way and there's a lot for people to learn from what you've done. You know, starting out, maybe people that are looking around saying this isn't the right career path. This isn't where I should be. I need to make a change. you know you've talked about sort of that intersection of what you're good at like what you enjoy versus what adds value to the world is that like how would one go about arriving at that destination or is it a destination I think that's a really important question to ask yourself because listen I liked what I did in corporate America was it my overall mission and passion

life no but I like selling I love leading sales teams right I like getting success for my clients. I liked all of those things. But as I as I became older and after I had a child, I started thinking, what is that legacy that you want to leave behind in life? I want to do more good about changing the world, making the world a better place. So that that led me to charity work, which started opening up new networks and new conversations for me and made me start thinking maybe there's a way to make good money and like my job, but also feel like I'm delivering purpose and meaning to the world. And I kept thinking, but how do you do that. I don't know how to do that. And it took years, probably five years before I kind of figured it

out. And it took getting fired too to realize that maybe it's about helping other people. Maybe it's about teaching what I've learned. Maybe it's about giving my hats and then finding a way, can I monetize that and what does that look like? And how can I evolve that and what are the different ways I can do it? Right. Again, none of it happened overnight, but it definitely over a few years time started becoming clear to me. And one of the things that I ask everyone to do is look back at your childhood. What were the things you loved to do before everyone told you you can't do them? For me, it was being on stage. When I was a little kid, I wanted to be on all the stages. And people would say, you can't be an actor. Like one out of one million make it. Forget it. That's a

stupid idea. So I said, oh, okay, that's a stupid idea. But isn't it interesting that now in my mid-40s, I'm landing myself on big stages around the world? No, it's not. Because suddenly I stopped listening to what everybody told me wasn't possible for me and started tuning into my own voice and following my passions. And it's led me back to the stage that I let other people kick me off of. Oh, that's so close. So that toughness, like, is that something that you sort of grew into, like that ability to, as you allude to in a lot of your work, like find the rejection and, you know, the odds, for example, you just stated an information. find some way to turn that into something positive to see the value. Is there like a mental trick you use? Is it just a reflection? Like how do you get there? Yeah, no, I really

think it's, I say it's all the time that rejection is just redirection, right? So my whole career was in sales. You're getting rejected all the time. People tell you know all the time. You begin to see it as a game, right? It's a numbers game or how else can I use this as fuel to push me forward. So for a long time, I did that in business around my career. It was sort of taking that methodology of how can I reframe this to put it to work for me. And one of my power moments doing that was when I got fired and I posted about it, I made a decision in that moment. I choose to see getting fired as in good company. Steve Jobs has been fired. Oprah Winfrey, Mark Cuban, J.K. Rowling, Heather Monaghan. I'm in great company now. Like, I'm going to stand over here and

cheer for me. However, people started showing up and saying, hey, that looks bad. Don't tell anyone you got fired, that's super embarrassing and shameful. And I said, no, I've reframed it. And so the way I see it now is different than the way you see it. You can see it any way you'd like, but I'm choosing to see it this way. So you really have to stay committed to, you know, whatever perspective you're going to own and not be intimidated by the voices and sounds that are out there. Is that something you discuss in your new book, like sort of blocking out the outside voices,

opinions, et cetera? Oh, yeah, for sure. I mean, that's definitely a topic that comes up. because everybody's got an opinion and everybody thinks theirs is the best and the right thing for you to take on. But there is only one voice and opinion that actually counts and that's your own. Yeah. Yeah. One of the, I talk about this a lot because I feel like it's it's another intersection that's so important. It's like as you're growing and expanding, it's like understanding your authenticity. It's such a powerful thing. But then also taking in pieces from other people without completely losing yourself.

It's like not reinventing the wheat. Like I've struggled with that. And, you know, when I've gone off track, that's been the reason. It's like I forgot who I was and I followed the shiny object. Has that ever happened to you? And how did you deal with that? Yeah, of course. These kinds of things, it's all part of growing up and, you know, getting to know yourself.

And I feel like those are just normal experiences for people to have. They don't need to be labeled as bad or I went down a wrong path. No, that was a path you needed to go down, right, to have this revelation or to become self-aware or to begin to trust yourself or to see, wow, I didn't like how that felt or worked out. That's going to help guide me, you know, moving forward. There's countless times, especially in relationships where you see red flags with people, but you keep going on the dates anyways, right? Oh, I'm sure it'll get better or, you know, or maybe you start a new job and there's the red flag there with the way the boss spoke to you. But, okay, I don't want to pay attention to that because I do like over here what I'm doing on this side. It's about starting to embrace and understand red flags are there for a reason to get your attention.

And when you notice that uncomfortable feeling, pay attention. Is it because you're stepping into something new and you feel nervous about yourself? That's okay. Or if it's something that people aren't treating you with respect or, you know, there's something else going on here that is really negative and not a kind of condition or an environment you want to be in, that's not okay. And those red flags are there to protect you and help you. Yeah, taking time for that awareness is huge. You know how sometimes you like, you forget to think? You forget to analyze the situation.

You're just kind of moving. And so like one of the themes, it might even be hidden in some of your stuff. But it's like, take a step back and look around you and analyze what you're doing. Is it going with where you want to, is it coincide with where you want to go and what's good for you? And I really appreciated that. Yeah. One of my mentors said to me years ago, he said, pick your head up. You're so in the grind of your every day and your day.

and your daily plan and your daily list and your quarterly goals, you never pick your head up to look beyond it. So his whole point to me was to just pause for a moment and say, is this the same place I want to be in a year from now? Is this the same job I want to be doing from a year from now? What are the changes that would make me happier? What things could I do differently bigger picture so that I could start living a happier, better,

more positive life on the day to day. And I had been in the grind for too long. I had been competitive for too long. and I was just so focused on, you know, achieving specific goals that I had forgotten about the bigger picture. And that really helped me just to take that moment and write down, you know, some ways I wanted to see my life change for the better and then start building action steps against those. So for those of us that have read Confidence Creators, maybe those of us that haven't that are going to jump right into your newest book. How do you see it as sort of picking up where the first one left off? and what are you most excited about?

Like, what can we expect when we go through it? Oh, gosh, I don't know, because it's not out yet. So that's the nervous moment when you're like, oh, my gosh, I hope people really like this. You never know it. But you never know until it's out in the world. And that's why I want people to know, anytime you do something new and big, it's scary.

Anytime you create, you know that the haters are going to come, right? You're putting yourself out there to be really vulnerable. And there's always risk involved with that. Yes, it gets easier over time, the more often you do it, but it never goes away if you're really going all out. And I go all out. So here's what I'll say is that this is not a series, right? Confidence Creator is separate from Overcome Your Villains.

However, it's written by the same author. So it is interesting in that competence creators really about my earlier assent in corporate America into reaching, you know, the time in which I was fired. My new book, Overcome Your Villains picks up the first chapter is all about what happened that day that I got fired. the whole story behind the scenes, but then it transitions into this three-step process that anyone can ultimately, you know,

implement in their life to overcome any challenge. And then every chapter moving forward and overcome your villains is another personal story. So that's similar to Comptons Creator with a lesson and a takeaway that the reader can apply to their life so that they can overcome their challenges. Yeah, I liked how you did that. You like, it was helpful to sort of visualize it

when you're talking about what you went through and then the lesson that can be, you know, taken away. It made it tangible. So, yeah, I'm super excited about your next book. And just love everything you're doing. You're inspiring so many people and I'm grateful for you and your work and taking the time to come hang out. So I appreciate it.

Oh, I'm grateful for you having me. Thank you for all your support. It means the world to me. And lastly, so where can people find you? I know you have a big Instagram presence. So I'm at Heather Monaghan on all social media. My new website is Overcomercom. When you go there and pre-order the book now, it's $24, but you get my $500 bonus bundle for free immediately.

When you insert the order number, you get my confidence video course, you get my Overcome Your Villains Workbook, you get the first chapter of the book for free, you get my email program for free, you get so much bundled there for value so that you can get started on overcoming your challenges now. Awesome. So guys, definitely go check that out and we will see you next week. Thanks, Heather. Thank you.