You're Never The Only One - Baby Brain + Pretty Privilege...You're Never The Only One

Episode Date: January 22, 2025

We’re back! You’re Never The Only One hits 2025 with all the energy of a couple of women in their forties, managing the peri-menopause, two children and a mental load the size of a small island, can muster. Which, surprisingly is quite a lot. This week Cat discusses the very real thing that is baby brain - she shares her own stories of post-natal discombobulation and shares stories from other women. Emma discusses the idea of pretty privilege - do you think your life has been easier because you’re conventionally pretty, or maybe it’s been harder because society doesn’t see you as conventionally attractive? It’s a big conversation but we’d LOVE to hear your own thoughts and feelings on everything we chatted about. We’d also LOVE to hear your thoughts on our upcoming topics.Emma: You’re Never The Only One…who does too much for their kids: are you guilty of choosing the path of least resistance and doing everything for your kids? Do you kids do chores? What are your expectations of how they help around the house? Cat: You’re Never The Only One…who’s been bullied by another mum: it’s easy to think that once we’re grown, the idea of playground bullying is in our past but for many mums, that’s just not true at all. Have you been bullied by another mum or group of mums? Contact YNTOO:Email: [e-mail]: 07457 402704

She's hell enough. I've done that thing where I need a wee, but I'm holding it. Yeah, it's best. It keeps us quick. Yeah, exactly. I do it before sex sometimes as well. No, you should always weed before sex, because otherwise you'll get a urinary tract infection.

It's called Pegasms. I'll talk about another time. Yeah, yeah, it's all right. Can you hear us? We good. Okay, great to go. Hello and Don't live inside your string

Because everybody makes mistakes Hello and welcome back Sorry I'm sorry The fuck It's just like Do again I think about it

What was so funny I don't know What did I do? No, it was a bit of kids' presentory Do you know what I mean? Try again. Do you know what? I'm inspired by you yesterday.

I'm not wearing a me. You went like this. Good morning, good afternoon and good evening. Welcome to the 9 o'clock news. You did. All right, let me try again. Now I'm really self-conscious. Cool.

Okay, great. Hello and welcome. Okay. Stop staring. Stop it now. Sorry. Okay. Look at the camera.

Hello and welcome back for another week. This is actually the final week of recording this year. Was that better? Final week of recording this year. Yeah, before we head off

for Christmas. So for that, but the problem is for those of you listening, it's January and I suspect you're probably looking at me in particular going, who the fact does she think

she's dressing up like that in January? But obviously it's December here. Yeah. So I want you to know that I'm actually currently at home wearing track suit bottoms. And if you're not watching and just listening,

she's basically got a lot of sequins on. Not that you can see them because she's got such a big becky white top on. It looks like she's just coming in a pair of tights and that. Do you know, is this how it's going to go today? Yeah. Okay. Just so I know.

Right. Forever in any doubt, actually, despite the looks today, for everyone in doubt who's actually the boogiest between Emma and I, please know this. I'm going to Devon for Christmas and Emma's going to Dubai, which means that I'll be cooking my own Christmas dinner and hers will be cooked by a South East Asian slave.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, let's see if that makes the edit, shall we? Okay, just in case the roast I just did, just in case I chicken out of using the roast I just did because of fears of getting cancelled. Bo gave me a spare, a backup roast. Oh, great. She said,

But this is your daughter roasting me now. Yeah. She said, tell Emma, she doesn't need to worry in a zombie apocalypse because they only eat brains. Sorry, I couldn't get cancelled for bullying at this rate. That was a double whammy on the road. Better than racism. Yeah. Actually, to be fair, who do you think probably made that shirt? Did you buy it off Amazon?

No, vented, actually. It's pre-loved. Okay. That knocks your roast in half, doesn't it? Such, Jemima. Anyway, I thought I was going to be really nice, actually, this week to you. Because I know you've had a bit of a shitty week. Okay, you've been a foul mood in the lead-up to this record. You have. If you've been watching our Insta, at this point, it's December. Go back and remember what a bitch she was to everybody in her family. And so I thought I'd go gently, but now after that, fuck it. Fuck it. So here I am. I thought I'd go easy on her soap dodging, nana napping, biscuit, scoffing ass. But fuck it.

Today, I'm joined by the recovering addict, whose personality without booze is even more unbearable than a hangovers were. Ladies and gentlemen, that's him. Oh, I had a cry when I read that this morning. Did you? God, that's fantastic. Well, that's... I had an actual cry. I said to Johnny, I've got a roast cat and he went, oh, I don't like roast because actually, you know.

No, I didn't really cry. Oh. So you're a liar as well. Yeah. Fuck you. I don't know if any of that's going to make it in. let's uh let's continue anyway let's kick off this auditory orgy with a debrief of what's been getting us hot under the collar in good and bad ways uh who we've been getting down and dirty

with and the naughty thoughts running through our exhausted perimenopauseal overworked and underappreciated brains um speaking of i mean emma's already alluded to it but i have been in a foul mood really foul but i don't actually think on this occasion it's my fault Like, I know that you think I've been a bitch, but I just want to explain a little bit about what living in my house this week has been like. Okay. Right?

Let out, babe. Let it out. Listen, first of all, if anyone's in the market for a couple of kids and they don't mind if they're a bit pre-loved, a little bit battered and in need of house training, then hit me up because I have two going for free. We're on Facebook market for free with these kids, or Etsy, because I did make them.

I had my yearly Christmas meltdown. Last night, in fact, but it's been building up all week. I'm sort of hoping that that's got it out the way. But I discovered earlier in the week that one of my crotch coblins had drawn on a lampshade. I told you about this. She told me about this. Another had left a wet, like a dripping wet cloth on the sofa.

So when I went to sit down and just sat in a wet patch, that's never a good thing. We were doing the tree last night, and they were racing around being silly buggers, knocked over a basket, broke all the baubles. they haven't cleaned their rooms no matter how many times I've asked nobody wants to practice the fucking violin

I'm the one that gets it in the neck from school my daughter refuses to finish reading a book that she should have done and should have read the entire thing in about a day and a half and then cries because she's not a millionaire and accelerated reader yet and can't see the fucking connection

she can't see it she's bright girl lots of books smarts not so many street smarts Anyway, I don't know what it was that broke the camels back yesterday. It was probably a sock on the sofa. You know the socks? Oh, yeah. Socks.

Wear socks everywhere. Oh, they're like little love letters left around. But instead of love letters, they're fuck yous. Little fuck you. Every time. Little cotton fuck ewes. Little dirty cotton fuck yous. Every single time I see a little sock discarded on the kids.

kitchen counter down the side of the sofa perhaps by the front door on my office desk sometimes i just think fuck you that's what i think that's what i think they're saying what they're saying isn't it's fuck you she'll that bitch will pick it up oh it's awful can you can yours make can can you always make their dirty laundry as it comes off of their body like just like not quite make it to the to the to the wash basket oh yeah yeah yeah the one that's like literally in front of them I mean, thank God. Thank God. God loves the trier because they try.

They try to get it in the bin. Oh, do they? Well, they like throw it in the general direction. Yeah. They never quite make it. Mine seem to throw it in the opposite direction. I tell you what mine do with the dirty laundry that makes me apoplectic with rage.

Oh, good word. Is you know when they wear something for five minutes? Yeah, yeah. And they take it off and then they can't be bothered to put it away, so they just put it in the laundry bin. Oh, my God. And then the laundry bin comes down and it's full of clean fucking clothes. they couldn't be asked to put away.

Yeah. I know. And do you know what? It's not even that I'm not that patient. I do, I'm sober. I can be patient. But this is 11 years of this shit. It's 11 fucking long years of constant little fuck yous,

of me having to say the same thing over and over again. And God bless Jimmy, I will always stand up for him. He is fucking incredible, but he is not great at backing me up on this shit. And do you feel like it's yours is the only voice that you hear? Yeah. And it's nagging and it's angry and it's irritate and Jimmy had the nerve to go.

Well, you know, I talked about it too. It's just that I don't shout. There is not a judge in the land. Like if I stabbed Jimmy in his sleep, there is not a judge in the land that would send me down for it. She'd be like, I get it. Yeah, female judge. I get it. 100%.

Honey pee. Oh, I gave you that, didn't I? We're not doing honey pee, by the way. We're not doing cosy lives and we're not doing holly bobs. I knew it. anyway it was just too much yesterday so at some point I exploded and said I'm going to my office and I don't want to see any of you fuckers again for the rest of the day I saw this on the ground yeah and I sat in my office and I did have a little moment of self-reflection and I thought

is it because I'm stressed I've got a lot on that I'm losing and being unreasonable is this an overreaction and I really thought about it and it isn't actually I don't think it is I think I've just let it go to a bit I've done that thing where I'm like it's easier if I do it to the point where now nobody else is ever going to do it. Can I ask you one question? Don't buy my head off. When are you due on?

You, when are you due on? Well, like the end of this week. Okay, right. So can we just take a moment and realize why? We just got over the ovulation rage though. Jimmy and I are only just recovering from that cluster fuck. I'm just saying, okay. Just take a breath.

Listen, I need to communicate. So I have now sat down. We had a big. come to fucking Jesus chat at the dinner table last night, which I had to be dragged to. So I was like, no, I'm staying in my office. You refused, didn't you, to walk through the rest of the house? Because you knew how many things were going to trigger

you on the way through to the kitchen. I said to Jimmy, frankly, I don't want to leave this office because I don't have to walk through the living room in the kitchen to get to the dining table because on the way, I'm going to be pissed off a million times by the shit that's left lying around. I don't want to be that person. And he was like, let me just check what it's like. So he went ahead of me and like,

it was like clearing the fucking landmines. The breadcrumbs of like, fuck you saw. because the kids had left. The Hansen Gretel had left behind while their way to the kitchen. Yeah, exactly. And I got to the kitchen, we sat down and I was like, obviously

gave them all a big, like, bollicking. And then I said, Oh, nobody's having a nice time. It was having a good time. No, one's having a nice time. Everyone's walking eggshells. I'm throwing those eggshells out, like, fucking you wouldn't know.

Anyway, so I sit down and then I say, listen, my part in this, because I'm a very evolved person, my part in this is that I haven't fully communicated what I'm what I need right now which is actually I'm really under the deadline under the like stress of lots of deadlines I need daddy to step up and do what I would normally do and that means you guys are going to have to step up and do for yourself what we would normally do for you so actually I'm going to be pretty absent until

Christmas because I want to be present and done with all my work which means that you have to step up and I need that support funnily enough like when I said it like that everybody went oh okay and then I was like oh yeah so I am the problem yeah not entirely though yeah not entirely no but I was guilty of relying on telepathy as a reliable form of communication and it bit me in the arse you feeling better um don't worry about right yeah I am actually oh you are yeah yeah yeah it's all good other than that I got the Christmas tree up oh done had a fight about that too um I'm just writing the book yeah that's it what about you well I mean I did So before we came on air, there are way worse things.

Way worse things going on in the world right now. But the most challenging thing for my entitled little self is that we've been living without a fridge freezer for a couple of weeks. You mentioned this and I'm baffled that you've gone that long without a fridge freezer. I know because the fridge and the freezer went. Then we got cover for it and they went, because it's the first breakdown. You can't actually get a replacement fridge.

So you'll have to fix it. Then they said, great, we can fix it. But we don't have the parts that you need in stock. and we don't know when that's going to be so we were kind of like okay so we don't want to buy any one because we potentially so anyway

we've been holding out This is life admin at its best isn't it it's the dullest of all stuff but it takes up so much time and energy but the as is my role in the house it takes up a shit load of energy because it meant pat lunches couldn't keep

simple things like cheese and milk and bread one of them does yeah yeah so therefore I was having to buy that every day and dinner which was expensive and then the diet

went out of the windows my head was you know what I mean you were in a bad mood because I feel rubbish exactly exactly all that and I was just pissed off because I thought

I've got cover if it was my car I get a courtesy car where's my fucking fridge there's my courtesy fridge I want a fucking courtesy fridge and also it's soul destroying with everything

it's going on in the world everything you are bombarded with on social media that throwing away hundreds of pounds worth of food it's just it's just sold a story and I hated it and yeah so for all of those reasons

it also desiccated my kind of like kind of holiday body I say holiday body instead of a beach body because as you know it's not a holiday body just the body you take on holiday well it is it is but basically kind of my my body being holiday ready for me means trying to shift some pounds

so that I can come back the same size that I left because I like the all you know the all you can eat breakfast buffet and we're going all inclusive nothing better there is nothing better than a hotel buffet breakfast I mean nothing we love it in our family me too the kids are like when we go away they don't actually care where we stay in whereas I'm like I've quite like a nice hotel they're like as long as it's got a buffet breakfast they don't care exactly exactly it's it's perfect never eaten so many courses for breakfast so I I am I know it's not great I know I am a self-confessed yo yo diet I'm I am I'm okay with that Anyway, I have switched from my everyday anxiety to my festive anxiety,

which means the extra load of going to the supermarket every day, which is one step, so it was too far. So I said to Johnny, just, just, just, and I think because he was scared for his life, he did it, go and please, just find us a fridge, go on Gumbtree, go on Facebook marketplace, just go, just something. A temporary fridge, just temporary. You know, we can use it for something afterwards, whatever. So an hour later, he returns home with his little under-the-counter fridge,

which then opens, he goes, oh, my God, it's, it's, it's, It stinks a skunk. I was like, what? And I went, does it even work? And I went, did you, did you get, like, plug it in? He went, I wasn't going in the house. I went, oh, okay. So if it doesn't work, and he goes, don't worry, I know where he lives.

I went, but do you want to go back and argue with him? I'm just like, thinking it. Anyway, you know. How much did it cost him? 20 quid? 20 quid? No, it didn't. 20 quid.

20 quid, okay. So obviously, I'm over the moon. I have to then dig out my hazmat suit, like the bleach in every. and everything to clean it. It had nicotine stains inside the fridge. God knows what they were using it for, but either way, anyway, I had to do every week. I had a manic day as it was

and I had to kind of clean every nook and cranny and get in there and use like all kinds of bicarbon and lemon to like get rid of the smell. Light vinegar. But I'm just relieved that it works and so I'm grateful I've got a fridge and that basically is the only thing that's really been on my radar

since the last time I saw you. Okay. Good job. Hey, if we steam through this, we might get your bonus episode of you make a free in. Oh God, do we have to? Yeah. It's better to do it while we have for that today. All right. So look, no matter how weird, awkward or... You start that again, sorry, just with a bit of more of a break

between... Okay, whatever that. So look. Can you do that again? I'm not doing it just because you did it to me earlier. Now I am. But I just need more of a break as with everything. So look, no matter how weird, awkward or embarrassing your life gets, There's always, always someone out there who's got it just as bad or even worse. Cringy confessions, freaky habits, poor decisions. We've all been there. And the aim for us as this podcast progresses is that we can share all of our stories,

whether they make you laugh or they make you cry, so you realise you truly are never the only one. So Kat, what have you got for us today? Well, inspired by the story of, what's her name? I don't know. On the radio show with the baby first night. Sean Welby inspired by her story

of accidentally basically demanding that a new mum make her milk for her thinking it was a midwife if you miss that story go back to the last episode it's there at the end

inspired by Sean Welby The Radio presenter Do you know what? Yeah inspired by her she told a story about how she unwittingly forced

another new mum to make her formula for her and night one of having the baby, when she thought it was a midwife. Anyway, I am talking about this week, you're never the only one who struggled with baby brain in the early days. Because I think a lot of us think of this is like just a bit of a joke thing, but actually it's really real.

Now, I did a bit of an Emma this week. I did a little bit of research. Oh, well, don't you? I brought some facts and figures. Okay, let's hear them. Are you ready? Yeah. The Cambridge Dictionary defines baby brain as the condition of forgetting things

and not being able to think clearly that pregnant women and postnatal women are often said to experience. And according to an article on the BBC, pregnancy reduces grey matter in specific parts of a woman's brain, helping her bond with her baby. I don't know why we need our brain to be reduced to bond. That's a thing. But anyway, that's the thing.

And prepare for the demands of motherhood. So basically, that sounds a bit like they stupefy us. Our bodies naturally stupefy us so that we can get on with the demeaning and stultifying demands of motherhood. Maybe it's just like that little area where you like are obsessed with the mental load maybe it just kind of switches that off for a bit

because you do you know what I mean you can't think of anything else yeah that's what I'm thinking maybe that's why we all go to shit yeah okay so it says scans of 25 first time mum showed that these structural brain changes lasted for at least two years after giving birth European researchers said the scale of brain changes during pregnancy were akin to those seen during adolescence

many women have said they feel forgetful and emotional during pregnancy, put it down to pregnancy or baby brain, and it seems with good reason. And it goes on to say that the study found that pregnant women were all affected in similar ways, regardless of whether they conceived naturally or underwent IVF. And there were no changes, unsurprisingly, in first-time fathers, grey matter in the study where their brains were monitored before and after their partner's pregnancy. So good to know that the men have dodged yet another hormonal fucking shift. They really only get puberty, don't they? That's it.

And then we get pregnancy and postnatal and menopause. Oh, and every month we get the period hormonal change as well. Yeah. So that's great. Just saying. That's great. So baby brain isn't a fad term. It sounds a bit like, like, it's a bit annoying that there isn't a proper word for it.

Because I think sometimes we sort of diminish the reality of baby brain. Like, oh, it's a bit of baby brain. Actually, it can be quite distressing. Yeah. It can be very real. And I think when I had Billy, I feel like I couldn't even quite catch a thought. Do you know what I mean?

Like, I felt out of control of the running of my brain a bit. Like, I just sort of wandered from one room to another, wondering what the fuck I was supposed to be doing. And I remember that first night in hospital, and it was the worst fucking night of my life. And I was, because you were alone with your baby for the first time, right? your husband stay you make your husband stay

for as long as possible like until the midwives are dragging them out by their hair and then you are alone with this tiny crotch goblin that you've made and nobody's told you how to look after it doesn't matter at this point

how many fucking NCT classes you've done, how many books you've read you have no idea what you are doing and you're looking around going why is everybody okay with me having this baby like I can't even keep a fucking house plant alive and this baby is here

Anyway, I remember halfway through the night, two, three in the morning, the baby, Billy's screaming. She's screaming and I'm jogging her and I've changed a nappy and I'm rocking her and she won't stop screaming. So I go to the midwife. Oh, I waddle, you know you waddle because you've got those pants on. Yeah. And everything hurts. And I waddled to the midwife and I was like in tears. You know, like I was a soggy mask.

I don't want to do you quiet. She went, have you fed her? No, went what? She said, have you fed her? I said, yeah, I fed her last night. She was like, did you feed her? I said her probably about nine o'clock. It's three o'clock in the morning.

This is a newborn night. She needs feeding every 20 minute. And I went, oh. So I went back and I fed her. Obviously she was like, she ate so far. She then vomited it everywhere. And I remember that moment thinking,

this is fucking it. Like, I knew, well, I knew that having, a baby was like a commitment. Yeah. Like I knew it was, but I didn't, I wasn't able to imagine that that baby,

every single minute of my sleeping or waking life was going to need me. You don't know how that feels until it actually happens. Right. Like I thought, you fed it. Yeah. And it went,

and I think part of me thought it had three fucking meals a day. I was going to say. Do you know what I mean? Did you think? I was like thinking, I don't understand how you weren't, like, prepared for that. No, I was intellectually prepared for it. But, like, when it actually came to realizing that it's not actually every three hours.

Right. You know, it could be every 15 fucking minutes, or it could be that they don't eat, or they don't want to eat, or they eat, they chew on your boob, or they are good at breastfeeding or they're not. Like, I didn't realize there were all these nuances to it. I thought it was, like, three hours feed. Cut and dry. Shut and, you know, I think that's what I thought.

Right. So when I realized that this was, like, actually, like forever relentless, consistent like all the fucking time. I do remember having a bit of a breakdown. Oh God. And I remember thinking I'm not sure

that I knew what I signed up for here and I'm not sure can I just put her out by the winds? No, you didn't. In my head, I thought that. Oh my God. I know. Does Billy know that? There'd been a fire station nearby

I might have left her on the doorstep. No. Obviously I wasn't in my right mind. Calm down, Sandra. I'm only a joke. I wasn't in my right mind but I did other things like I day two went home

decided that I was going to go to mother care like bearing in mind previously the night before when I'd actually got home put her on the floor I'd burst into tears because I couldn't conceivably understand how logistically I was ever going to have a bath again I was like what's how did you

to light washing back then fuck you I didn't I was like how am I ever going to have a bath again like that and then but the next day even though I'd still was upset about not being able to have a bath, I thought I could just go to mother care. And again, I think I was still in that. I'll just pop to the shops thing.

Yeah. Took the baby with me. Absolutely no baby back. Didn't take anything with me that the baby might need. Oh my. So when she did a massive shit. Yeah. A Poon army.

Yeah. The lady in mother care very kindly gave me a napi and some wife. I was in the right place. Yeah. She gave me a nappy and some wipes. Yeah. And then as she's scanning the stuff, God knows what I was buying. It wasn't like I hadn't, I mean, I'd got everything.

I don't know what was there for. the beeping of the like, beep, beep, as she scanned it. Yeah. It was like nails down a chalkboard. Like my soul left my fucking body. I screamed at her. What? The woman that, sorry.

Who just given me a nappy and wipes. I went, is that really fucking necessary? And then I sat down on the floor, cross-legged and cried. Oh my God, can't. And cried. Mum was like, was your one with you? Yeah. She was like, I'm so, to the woman.

She said, I'm really sorry. she just had a baby but there's no excuse well her exact words and she wasn't wrong I was out of my mind oh my god yeah that's they're so far removed from like how I felt this is crazy I know I was out of my mind I was out of my mind so anyway um listener stories yes are they good do you know what they're quite good no they're not they are good yeah it's just that I was looking at the plumber

midwife story but I feel like I've told it enough but obviously I was laughing at my own story in my head basically was what just happened It's a really fucking good story. Didn't you tell it at the end of last episode? Maybe, yeah. I don't know whether it's because I've heard it. So many times. It's literally the only good story I've got.

But it is a good story. Yeah, so it's at the end of the last episode. But essentially, I mistook the plumber for the midwife. And I was literally seconds away from showing her my vaginal stitches before she went, just got to tell you I'm the plumber. Different kind of pipes. It's completely different. Completely different kind of pipes.

Anyway. So here we are. go. I do want to mention at this point that even though we can laugh about it now, we can laugh about the stuff that we did. At the time, it didn't feel very funny. So if you are in the throes, if you're in the trenches of newborn life, and it's your first time and you are losing your fucking mind and you don't think it's anything that should be laughed about, let me know that we've all been there and just see us as an example of where you're going to end up. It's always better to laugh at it. So here we go. From Hazel. She says we went out a few days

after giving birth in the middle of winter and didn't think to put a hat or a coat on the baby. For some reason, we thought two layers and a blanket would be fine. Also, we forgot burping was a thing until the middle of the night, until the middle of night two, when we had to call my mother-in-law, all three of us in tears, begging for help.

Newborn days are wild. Tori says, while I was pregnant with twins, I was forever losing items to the bloody fridge. I don't even know how I did it. It became a weekly occurrence. And would I remember to check there first? Nope, I find my purse, my keys, the house phone in there. It's mad that, isn't it?

How many women, the thing is, I don't think men do that. They don't think men leave things in the, that never happens, does it? Because they only, they get up, they do what they need to do, and then they go to fucking sleep again. This is all they have to do. Hannah says, I was also in mother care 21 hours after giving birth. What the fuck was I thinking?

Also with my second, I left her in the car seat when she was months old in the trolley while I put the shopping in the car. You know, those like trolleys with the car seat adapter. while I put the shopping in the car I walked the trolley back to the storage place still with the baby attached and just walked back to my car leaving the baby there

I was driving out of the supermarket before I realised my mistake thankfully it was hella early so nobody saw what I did Oh my God Day 7 is from Sarah I decided to go to the big Tesco I love we call it the big Tesco

Alone with the Baby I thought I was smashing it I just want to say it's at those moments when you think you're smashing it that you are heading for a fucking fault like life is going to humble you in some way she got back to the car

and couldn't figure out how to get the car seat off the buggy and onto the isofixing the car which to be fair I'm not going to blame baby brain for because that's fucking hard You can suck cock I hate it

It's so true So she had to take the shopping and the buggy home on the bus And you just know that she's crying Like she's sobbing A few came in on Instagram We got an email as well I'll just have to put it in my noughts

Started a nort Here we go So this is from Bethany she took her baby four weeks old to rhythm time four weeks old took us a rhythm time class when my baby was only four weeks old

because of course you need to stimulate a newborn who literally just discovered blinking my baby slept through the entire thing while I sat there singing Johnny Finger with full on hand motions like it was the Grammys at one point the absurdity hit me I was a grown woman cross-legged in a room of other serious mums

serenading my sleeping baby with Johnny Johnny where are you complete with jazz hands I lost it like snorting out loud trying to hold it lost it I couldn't stop laughing I actually had to leave the room because every time I tried to compose myself the ridiculousness of the situation hit me all over again who even was this woman why was I there and why was I singing to a baby who was asleep I love this so much it's so true because it used to happen when like the baby would Jimmy would take the baby to put to bed or something and I'd just be on the sofa, we need to come down half an hour, 40 minutes later, and

I'd still be watching in the fucking night garden. We've all been there. And Jimmy's like, what are you doing? I'm like, I don't know. It was something really comforting about it, though, no. Yeah, or creepy. No. Oh. Oh. Okay, Sam went to Tesco's five days postpartum. Is everyone in Tesco's or mother care?

Yeah, we've got a lot to fucking answer for. I was so tired and I laughed at everything like a madwoman. My husband said something actually funny, and I just stood there and wet myself. Not a dribble, a full piss. Um, my friend Chloe, and I love Chloe, and I love Chloe, says I went back into the house and forgot Charlie in the car because he wasn't a habit yet. I also didn't bath him for a month because it didn't occur to me that he couldn't shower

himself. No. But do you know, I did something similar. I did bath, Billy, but I never bathed her really with the like strong intention of cleaning as much, which I'm sure no surprise to you. I didn't know about cleaning myself or my babies.

But I remember at one point she was a bit pongy. You never remember thinking, oh, I shouldn't smell very good. And I lifted up her arms. Oh God. And there was literally curred. It smelled like an old cheese shop. Because I didn't think to like

get in the pits and the bits. I just was like oh, happy bath time, splashy. Splashy do-doo. I don't. This is so different for me. Honestly. Anyway, Joe drove to work. She was living her best life, singing her tunes.

She'd stop for coffee. Got to work, went in the back, and realized she still had a baby and she hadn't drift from a nursery. I've done that before. Lucinda, we had a chest freezer filled with all our pre-prepped meals, steaks, meat, otherwise very expensive

and very convenient food. She was so ready. Yeah. She just got home with the baby and left the freezer door. open and the whole thing went. Oh, no. So not in the first few days,

as she spent time in the NICU, but the first few days home, I was horribly sleep deprived, can't sleep in hospital, and of course newborn, and carried baby, glass of water, phone and tablet downstairs,

somehow put glass of water in the oven, tablet in the fridge, and phone in the washing machine, only noticed when the baby made a mess and I went to put a load on, then panicked about where I'd put the baby, running around, crying, looking for him, and he was in my arms.

It's like looking for your glass. when they're on your head. Not a good day. Felt like I was losing my mind and rang my mum for help. Olivia, we got all packed up to leave the house for the first time and not only left the front door open and unlocked but also wide open like the door was just open into the hall for whoever wanted to pop in and make a cup. I've done that all the time. I do that all the time now. That's really a DHD thing.

But I actually think it has like the opposite. I think we're like double bluffing the burglars. Right. Because I think the burglars go, well if the door's open, that's clever right nobody's just gonna leave their fucking door open i think it's safe safer than anything not on your road uh i've been on your road listen i they don't shit on their own doorstep they go into nice posh places like yours they steal your shit um rachel says i took my two and a half year old and newborn for a walk the two and a half year old was on a scooter the newborn was in the

pram yeah uh the two and a half year old fell off her scooter so i ran to pick her up suddenly the car horn a car was shooting its horn because i'd let the pram go and it had rolled into the road i just forgot about him my mum brain hadn't rewired yet and i instinctively went to rescue the one it already knew about luckily he was absolutely fine but i could have done without the judgy look from the car driver and then libby says i would do stupid stuff like putting the cereal in the fridge milk in the cupboard coffee on my cereal and not sugar etc i was sleep deprived i nearly ran a woman over on the crosswalk I genuinely didn't see her and I've done that where like you know when you you're like I physically didn't I don't know how you can be there because I looked and

you weren't there and then you were there right it's your brain fucking with you um left a pot on the cook on the cooker to simmer food for lunch put in the babe not shouldn't put the baby in she has written that but that's not what she means I'm sure left a pot on the cooker to simmer food for lunch. Put the baby down, fell asleep, potcourt fire, burnt the house down. No. No. Is that true? Is that true?

No way. That's what baby brain can do. Bloody hell. So if you're there, please know that we love you. It's so hard. Yeah. It's so hard when you feel you don't know your own body and it's working against you. And also to the people, I don't,

my baby brain just fucked about with me in in more kind of weird ways it made me think I was mad in other ways of just like just convincing that bad things were going to happen this anxiety of like being

things that just when you had like intrusive thoughts yeah really intrusive thoughts like I'd be scared to go over a bridge because it was either going to be like a psycho was going to come out of nowhere and push us off

and so I'd have to think about then if the baby fell off the bridge and went into the into the water below and then how would I get down and then I was like I'm not going to go over the bridge. I can't drive over level crossings. For that reason?

Yeah. I cannot drive over a level crossing without being convinced. I'm going to, a train's going to take me out as I go over. Yeah. I know what it is. Does anybody, does anybody though, like drive across a level crossing? It's particularly you're the first person or when not like when there's no other cars around.

There's no other cars around just going. In the countryside, because then my brain's like, well, these signals aren't working. Nobody's here to maintain these signals. Yeah. So, and so I'll stop at a level crossing and I'll be like, I have to really, like, gird my loins to give myself a good talking to. I think it's the same, I think it's the same feeling everybody gets when they go under, go under a bridge. You know, but like, you know, when you like, you do that and you think, no, you know, when you go to the car park. Yes, under that.

Everybody does that. Everybody does that. Or when you go through a narrow thing and your dad goes, breathe in. And all of you're in the car, I have to go. Anyway, over to you, darling. this week, as I said, I want to talk about being you're never the only one who just heard of the term pretty privileged. You'd heard of this term. I'd heard of the term, yeah, but only recently. Right. Well, it's been about for a while.

As I said, before, the terms used to describe the unfair advantages that people who are considered attractive receive in society, including higher salaries, considered more trustworthy, having an advantage in business deals, but on the smaller scale, it's essentially freebies, like drinks at a bar, larger portions of food, swerving kind of fares and fines and things like that. And Instagram following. Well, I'm not being facetious.

I'm serious. No, I mention this because although I've never heard of the term, I was aware, I think, of it. Like, I was aware of Pretty Privilege itself from quite a young age. And it's generally more prevalent, I think, in females. But we'll talk about this a bit more. So Pretty Privilege was introduced, I think, to most of us through films and television shows. Look at the late 90s, early. naughty, there was continuous theme

with the kind of ugly duckling character who starts, you know, as being seen less attractive, and then once they get a makeover, you know, to physically appear more feminine or whatever, they're desirable. We're talking clueless, princess diaries, mean girls, all that shabang. So we know

that those girls at school, and I don't know, I wrote this, and then I thought to myself, maybe it was just me, but let's see what you think. There was always those girls at school, my school, and I was at an all-girls school, so it was quite a lot of girls. there who they seem to kind of they seem to hold more favour with the teachers and despite them being naughty do you know what I mean they were like they weren't like the good kids they were just like

the cheeky kids and generally the ones that got away with stuff that I couldn't and they were kind of part of this pretty popular crowd I just remember feeling that like the injustice I can still it's still so vivid to me like I can still feel it now just me and go I'm such a good girl and I see with Molly actually my daughter as well it's like I'm such a good girl why? But I think Molly's beautiful

Oh Molly is beautiful I see Molly is beautiful But also I suspect I'd love to see a picture of you when you're at boarding school because you're sort of painting the picture that you were like a muntar Well I mean I was eight years old

I don't really you don't really You know eight years old isn't you don't really classify someone as beautiful at eight years old They're just you know Yeah no you're right I get it I do get what you're talking about Yeah but the same girls

were generally in like the popular gang and although I don't have memories from this young myself now as I say when I've had the girls and I've seen kids in primary school both boys and girls they gravitate towards the pretty girls they do and studies have shown that even babies will gaze longer at attractive people compared to unattractive people

and it's weird isn't it because you sort of think it's subjective and I suppose on a personal level it is like personally I find in real life people attractive on my own terms right but there is also this very agreed very yes not subjective yes um the societal perception of what is attractive yes um and i suppose that's changed a little bit but fundamentally it hasn't like okay you can be thinner or you can have a big bum or you can be skinny or you know they can be a bit curvier but essentially the faces of attractive people throughout time haven't really changed no and they've done so many studies like even children

will trust attractive people more, male or female. They just trust, they're more trusting of them. And they've done research as well, which this is, I think you're like this. They've done research proving female students earned lower grades in online classes than they did in-person classes. Okay. And they also did a study that shows that attractiveness actually has a bigger impact on men's social economic fortunes than women's.

more, I think so. I mean, I think because men have more social economic potential anyway. Right. So I think that if you are already a man with that privilege and then you're a really fit man, yeah, you're going to get the most money. Yeah. That makes sense.

How unfair, unfair. It actually found that men who were rated attractive or very attractive during the adolescent years were more likely to experience upward social mobility, be better educated, have more prestigious jobs and earn higher incomes. That's just crazy to me. But I wonder what comes first there

because I think that good genes exist in very high echelons of society. So let's be honest, rich men don't marry ugly women. I see where you go. Do you see what I'm saying? So I think that yes, they are, if they're attractive, if they have attractive children, I mean, look at Maiden Chelsea, there isn't an ugly person, There isn't an ugly rich person on Maiden Chelsea.

I beg to differ. Well, we all know about my inappropriate crush on Miles and is there. Oh, even the name. Listen, I might need a minute. But I wonder actually if just rich, if money attracts attractive people. And then they have attractive kids who inevitably therefore have access to higher socioeconomic strata and jobs and opportunities and privilege in itself. So I don't know if it's chicken or the egg,

but I certainly think if you've got somebody who happens to just end up being fucking gorgeous and they're not in that society already. Yeah. I think definitely probably stands up that they still have access to more privilege because of the way they look. Have you, have experienced pretty privilege yourself? I'd be disingenuous if I said no. I mean, I don't think I'm the most beautiful person in the world,

but I'm definitely not a manta. So I think that they're definitely, I've got free drinks. Do you know what I've got free drinks? I've been let into, I've wangled my way into places. I had no business being. Can you remember how old you were when you first experienced it? Oh, it wasn't until I was. older, like a lot older, because I didn't have any confidence in myself and the way I looked as a

teenager. I would say probably early 20s. Right. Yeah. See, I became acutely aware of what essentially this is favoritism. You know what I mean? When I, um, I'm getting special treatment when I started wearing makeup as a teen. Yeah. So that all ties back in. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Something I touched on in our makeup free episode as well. Um, so. now kind of, I feel like I can see it from both sides, the perspective of it. And it's weird to say that I've experienced it because it kind of, it's, I was thinking, when I was writing this,

I was thinking, how can I write this without kind of coming across as egotistical? And I would, and also particularly, nobody's listened to the makeup free episode as well. I think it, you know, it's hard to kind of explain without going into it. We should definitely go and listen to that one because it's an incredible episode. But I have to caveat it with the fact that the experience. that the experiences I've had have always come with me having a full face of makeup on

and I have seen stark difference when I haven't. Okay, it's very clear to me. Yeah, very clear. But I think in some ways as well, I've always known, I think there were times when, as I was growing up, I knew when I was going to invoke the pretty privilege. Right.

So like if I was like, we can get in even though we're like 18, or even though like 17 or and you need to be 18 or 21 or whatever. Yeah. So then I would like make sure. that I looked as pretty as I possibly could. Yeah. Not consciously in a, well, yeah, I suppose like, yeah, I am going to invoke the pretty privilege.

I wouldn't have been able to articulate it like that. But I'd be like, and I think it gives you a comment. It's like, yeah, I can do that. I'll do it, you know, because there is an element of something inside you knows that the way you look can be a tool. Well, that's it. That's where you see it from, like, from, you know, these really strong personalities from very early on at school.

the popular crew you know that those kind of girls they're just because they've literally grown up with it but they also end up being the boring ones it's the people who don't have the pretty privilege that end up often being the most socially interesting because you've had to overcompensate for it in other ways but or kind or whatever you know because you have to find other ways and so maybe it's just a case of balancing that out but I think the problem is that we overvalue the pretty privilege right yeah um because not everybody's great at everything no right so some people are pretty some people aren't some people are funny some people aren't kind whatever but I think we do put an awful lot of value on the pretty privilege yeah I mean it doesn't necessarily give you a charmed life

I'm going to say that but I do think it oils the cogs and makes you know the the kind of journey a little bit smoother so you can choose I think to take advantage of it positively or negatively and I think there's many people who I can only assume are kind of less self-aware and who go through life with a kind of air of entitlement that's the you know I see you know we've all seen those kind of people but as I've got older particularly early 20s and I was looking to forge those female relationships I actually found myself kind of socially trying to overcompensate for the image that I gave off especially with girls who might think you know base their opinions on like I was saying you know this confident girl with a full face of makeup that they were not realizing that was kind of my

confidence mask yeah you know so you know having grown up with the also what didn't help was I grew up with a really close relationship with my dad so I was always very much more comfortable in men's company men's company um so that would offer me in a mix setting i'd be faced with a kind of sense of distrust and jealousy and i hate saying that because i can't think you know anyone want to be jealous me but you know that that would often be quite a challenge so i'd end up leaving myself really like making myself really open and vulnerable and you know kind of to try and get them to kind of open up to start this kind of bonding thing but actually what it left me was wide open to

just be fucked over left right and the centre you know what I mean and just be very self derogatory and things like that and it was silly but have I used it to my advantage before yes I have

I may have on occasion cat fluttered my eye and ashes a little bit just to get things in the past bit of guest list or getting served a bit quicker a little wink you know been given a bit of preferential treatment maybe without even trying

but there's an uglier side to it too and I think people will be like really well yeah there is i i have to say you've got you've got to be a bit more careful about when you're kind of being nice to guys yep that they're not going to read that into you know something else gagging for it yeah exactly being objectified not being taken seriously as well you know that's another thing as well not being respected or taken seriously having to tone down my personality like i said so it doesn't look like i'm being egotistical because you can't be beautiful and have a great personality.

Oh, you can't. But I think this is very much, I would say this stopped probably after maybe like 35. I'd say it was only this, that small period, I think, where I kind of was navigating it. And, you know, obviously then getting into marriage and kids and stuff, it's like,

you don't have time for it. Also, you're not in those situations as much, are you? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. But yeah, I spoke briefly about this when I spoke about body positivity and the fact that I do feel like we still live in a world that celebrates skinny and I feel like I do believe it's the same for beauty as well. I do think we still celebrate beauty very much

and we only have to look at social media like you said to confirm that. You just scroll through TikTok and you see cringy videos from hot guys and girls millions of views in the comments are saying, like, gosh, it's so hilarious. They're not hilarious, are they? No, they're generally. No.

They're not hilarious. They're probably just, they're very hot but maybe a little bit boring. What about those couples that go viral because one of them is beautiful and the others are minger? Have you seen those? There's like two or three. But they're like so and I can't. Part of me is like I can't believe that's true.

But that obviously says more about me because like why would somebody fall in love with somebody just for their personality is basically what I'm saying. But they're like, yeah, we love each other. Oh, I love her. I know. But it is jarring. So there is this expectation again as well that people sort of meet their level. Oh yeah. You're sort of attracted to your own.

level because we talk about punching up or punching down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've always said to Jimmy that, well, at first he used to say, I'm fit and you're funny. And now I'm like, well, I'm both. Sorry. Catch up. But I do think it's easier to vilify kind of pretty privilege in girls, but guys have it too. And I think, you know, you only have to look at how women react to it.

And this is really important that the way women react to attention from men who kind of are perceived to be good looking, as opposed to those who are on. not so like for example if like a you know a guy that we would classify as say good looking by societal standards or whatever house bang was you need a minute now oh i need longer than a minute i mean like someone you know that you thought was good looking whistled at you would you call it harassment as you probably would if it was somebody who you didn't deem as unattractive yeah i mean i think there are definitely people who feel more uncomfortable who are less welcoming of attention from somebody who's not attractive. Yes, I think that's true.

It's pretty privileged. It's pretty privileged in men. And attractive men always seem to get away with being more arrogant and rude. And they have to try as hard. And you only have to look at people like Harvey Weinstein, Greg Wallace. All right, there's no pretty privilege there. Let's be clear. But there's the power privilege.

Right. Right. So they're in a position of power that can get away with stuff. Yeah. It's the same thing for men who are beautiful as well. Like they can get away with saying things and doing things in a sexually inappropriate way. Yes. That the normal men amongst could possibly.

And also wouldn't have the confidence to do because they know that they're not going to get away with it. And there is that, and I think women, we have the same thing, but it can be quite a sinister thing when it comes to the way men can use their pretty privilege. Absolutely. Absolutely. But then look at like Russia and the female spies that they are. I mean, that's, they... What do you mean? So, you know, oh, if you not listen to the podcast? Who's podcast?

A podcast. I can't remember who did it. You know, it's like one of these investigative podcasts. It's called, I Die, Till the Day I Die, or a Live and Let Die. That's what it's called, live and let die. Isn't that a Bond film? No, and it's about this, where it might be, I don't know. Sure, it's a Bond film. Well, it's also a podcast.

Anyway, I'll put it in the show notes. It's about this Russian female spy who escaped Russia. and she was like literally the honey trap it's like they use the beauty of these women to get into the highest echelons of political society and it's based purely on physical and sexual manipulation and it's fascinating I'll definitely listen to that

but I think it was a conversation that needs to be had agreed and I think we need to hold our hands up we need to admit that it exists we need to discuss it, we need to understand it in the hope that we can encourage and promote a society that values people not for their aesthetics. You know, I think I love the world like that,

but their abilities, their character and all the other things that make them grateful. Or at least, or at least if you're going to value them for their aesthetics because, like, all right. But also, let's put the same value on other talents as well. Also, there's intersectionality to it as well, isn't that? Because, you know, a pretty white woman

and a pretty black woman don't have the same pretty privilege. Very true. So it's a very nuanced conversation. Very true. But definitely one that needs to be had. And we have done that. Tick.

Check, right. Moving on. Yes. Next week's topics. Yeah. What are we bringing to the table next week, my friend? You are never the only one who's been bullied by another mum. Oh.

I love how our overreactions to each other's topics are getting like, I know. It's like when Bo was lying to me about the lamp. And I was like, Bo, we're on our own. We're in the kitchen. Nobody's around. If you're going to admit something now. It's the time to do it. and I said, and I pointed at the lamp

and I said, who did that? And she went, Mommy, who did that? Had exactly the same thing happened this weekend. Barley's broken, Molly's gumbull machine and left the glass on her bed. Oh yeah, because they're an idiot.

They're not smart. No, took the gumbulls and then I came into the bedroom and Molly had a finger in her face and she was like, tell me the truth. She was going, crying. I would never do that. I was never, how could you think that of me?

Molly had gone, I went, do you want to talk about it? She went, I went, I went truth. She was like, I might have done it, but I don't remember. Like, you don't remember? At what point do you remember putting it back and leaving the glass on the bed? The smashed glass. Oh my God. Anyway, anyway.

So my topic is you're never the only one who's bullied by another mum. And it isn't an experience that I've had, but it is an experience that a friend of mine, very good friend of mine has had. She asked me if we would do this as a topic, so I am bringing it to the table. Absolute pleasure. My God. I can't wait to hear the story.

Oh, is there a juicy story to go with? There better be. I mean, she's built it up. Oh, so you haven't even got the story yet? She's going to send me an email. Imagine if it's just like, what's the way she looked to me in the playground and you're like, is that what I've got to go on?

Yeah. I'm going to have to eke some sort of comedy out of this. I'm going to talk about how you're never the only one who, and I had a rant with you about this weekend. I almost didn't do a topic. I almost thought, do know what we can both do this topic? We are on the same fucking page. Yeah, 100%.

We are never the only ones who think that people do too much for their kids. Stop doing things that your kids are fully capable of doing themselves. You are just literally, you are, and research shows this, you are doing them a disservice. And we'll talk about that more in the next episode. Perfect. So before we wrap up, have we got any voice notes or any emails? Have, have, have, have a. But previous episodes, because we're on episode, we're just airing episode four at the moment.

So we've got three episodes out there. I have, I have. As always, if you have anything to say on what we spoke about today, you're in past episodes, don't worry if it's already gone. Even the first episode, we do not care. Whatever we've covered, we love to hear from you. We don't even have to have covered it. You could just have a wicked story that needs to get out there.

Exactly, exactly. It's what we want the show to be about. All right, so here we go. This voice note is about when you were talking about laziness, being confused with rest. Oh yeah, got it. Yeah? Oh, here we go.

Hold on. Is that me again? No, it's not you again. Not you again. Let me get it right. Oh, God. Sorry, all my TikToks. Hi, right, me again.

Time for another TED talk. I'm just listening, while I'm cleaning, to the first podcast, and I've got to the bit where you're talking about what's considered as lazy, but actually, no, it's working smarter. So I've got to,

to the one where she texts or rings her kids while they're in the house, I've got an extra one. I'm out of breath. I love that she's a brun. Who says that? Anyway, my parent hack is we live in, I'm going to sound snooty, but I don't mean it's sound that way, quite a big house and it's a three story. So what I have decided to do, after you hang in there for a second, what I have done is I have installed wireless doorbells in each child's bedroom and they're on as loud as they can go. And the switch for it is command stripped underneath my sink in the kitchen so that each one has got their name on it.

and I just ding their doorbell when it's time for dinner. It's very middle glass. But I don't care because it stopped me having to shout and be ignored. Like you said on the podcast, they don't always listen to their phone because sometimes it's on silent, sometimes they're gaming, sometimes they ignore me. They can't ignore the doorbell. They've all got a different sound.

They've been allowed to choose it. But that is what I've done. And I'm telling you now, you're game changer. I'm doing it as soon as I get home. Is that not the best thing ever? Also, it's like the middle class version of Downtonabby belt, you know, when the bell rings and it's downstairs and it's like drawing room and they have to run up to the drawing room. It's like that. But like the kids, you're doing it to the kids. It's brilliant. I'm going to do it. It doesn't need to be a fancy ring door, but it just literally one of those wireless doorbells. Yeah. Exactly. I love it. They can't ignore the doorbells. Ding, ding, ding, ding. Like they do when they, do you know what annoys me so much about the door. The kids get out the car and obviously they get out the car quick and then Jimmy because they don't give a shit about. about what they leave in the car. So they just abandoned ship.

Jimmy's there behind them, or me, but Jimmy's there behind. Doing shit that the kids can do themselves. Doing the shit that the kids could do themselves. And they come in, even though Jimmy is five steps behind them with the fucking key. Yeah. They ring the doorbell, ding.

So of course the dog go, I am like, and then they look at me because I'm in my office and they can see me. And they're like, mum, the door. I'm like, fuck you. You can fucking wait until your father comes with the key. I'm, stop it, stop it. You need to put some rules in.

You need boundaries. Oh, how the tables have turned. Okay, what else have we got? That's all my voice notes. That's all my voice notes. Have you got anything? No, I thought you had an email. Do you not have an email?

No, I didn't have an email. But if you do have an email, you can get in touch it. You're never the only one at gmail.com. Or you can WhatsApp us, a voice note or messages on 0745. 740-2704. All of that info is in the show notes. Don't worry. Even the correct spelling of your.

But save that number. your phone don't drunk and dial please are you joking we do drunk and dial do you want to drink dial yeah of course it would be the best for a comedy podcast anyway listen that's it for us that's it for this week we'll be back next week and we'll see you soon bye Things I say do, I'm always what I mean. I'm neither saying or sin, I'm somewhere in between. This world is complicated. Everything moves so quick.

And lie into yourself, if you think that you. daughterly Everybody love You're never the only one You're never the only one Don't live inside your strength Because everybody makes mistakes Don't judge me I'm a weakness

Don't judge me on my floor Because no one's really perfect by the grace of God goes all Everybody knows You're never the only one You're never the only one Don't live inside the shame Because everybody makes mistakes Taking the time to make sure everything's okay

Picking up like to everyone else each and every day When you've got nothing left for you to spend on you You're allowed to be happy too Never the only one You're never the only one Don't live inside a shame Because everybody makes mistakes Oh

You're never the only one Don't live inside your shame Because everybody makes mistakes Oh