You're Never The Only One - Body Wobbles & Low Sex Drives? You're Never The Only One

Episode Date: November 27, 2024

In episode two of You’re Never The Only One, Emma and I deep dive into body confidence and discuss how honest we’re all being when it comes to the relationship with our bodies. Are we, as a generation, just too broken by social expectations and too old to overcome them? We also discuss how much sex every one is having and how much sex we think every one else is having. Cat gets honest, we discuss the difference between sex and intimacy and there’s a rant about rom-coms. As ever we take it to the streets and the WhatsApp voice notes to get your take on things too. If you want to send in any stories, problems, anecdotes, or just to say hi, then email us at [e-mail] or send us a voicenote or DM to our WhatsApp [phone]. Follow us on Spotify or wherever you listen to your podcasts and if you can, please give us a 5⭐️ review. It is the most important and effective way to support the podcast - thank you! The Social Stuff Follow You’re Never The Only One on Instagram.Follow Cat Sims on Instagram.Follow Emma on Instagram. Follow You’re Never The Only One on TikTok.Follow Cat Sims on TikTokFollow Emma Nicolet on TikTok Follow You’re Never The Only One on Youtube. CreditsYou’re Never The Only One… was created by Cat Sims and hosted and written by Cat Sims and Emma Nicolet. Executive Producers are Cat Sims & Emma Nicolet, Anna Dixon & Hannah Twigg at YMU London and Katie Ray from Radient Management. You’re Never The Only One is filmed at Outset Studios and the theme music was written and performed especially for You’re Never The Only One by the band Hot Salad. You can listen to their album here.

Have you done the intro? About you? Yeah. I'm excited. I wonder if you'll be offended. You probably would be offended too. I think we should start trying to really roast each other. That's a great idea.

Fantastic. I think I've hit the ground. Have you nailed it? Have you nailed the brief? Good to know. Right. Can't wait. Okay, cool, babe. I think that's about it. Oh, hang on a minute.

Yeah. We're not going to be back in time for school pick-up when we record the podcast on Tuesday, so I just wondered what your child care sitch was. Well, like most people, I think it's a largely unreliable setup, genuinely just cobbled together between myself, Johnny, after-school club. And you remember that random woman I found on Facebook? She seems really nice. So, yeah, probably her. What about you? Oh, we've got a Coru Kids After-School Nanny. You've got a Coru what?

A Coru Kids After-School Nanny. Twice a week. She picks the girls up from school, brings them home. feed them, does their homework, and they're ready for bed by the time Jimmy and I get home. So we actually all like each other by the time it gets to bedtime. I think you're sounding a little bit smug there, Kat. Listen, I'm not a little bit smug. I'm very smug about it. Yeah, well, not all of us have got the old influencer cash, you know? Actually, it's really reasonable because it's part-time.

You just pay for the hours you need. It gives me some easier days, not always rushing around, and the girls love it. All right. Give me the deets. Head to coru-k-com.uk to learn more and use the code, Y-N-T-O-O for a free three-hour nanny trial. Hello and welcome to you're never the only one. My name is Emma and today I'm here with Kat, my neuro-spicy soap-dodging co-host. Oh, I feel really bad saying this.

No, it's go. Is it okay, all right, I mean, okay, let's go. So, yeah, Kat is my neuro-spicy soap-dodging co-host, who despite being three years sober, is more likely to pick up a bottle of wine. than a bottle of shower gel. Oh my God, that's brilliant. Oh, that's the best intro I've ever had. She's a dirty skank.

I am Kat indeed and I'm delighted to welcome by my side. Emma Nicolet, the purple-haired positive powerhouse, who showers twice a day. I do. Yes, listeners, that's right, twice a day. She's a fake tan connoisseur. I'm getting there. And has such perfect natural teeth

that Turkey calls regularly to us. for them back. Oh it's good. It's good. It's good. Can we have a little ching? She does have great time. One of those ones? The bottom ones are getting a bit dodge. I'm looking for an invisible line ad. Vizaline if you are watching. Fonsorship will be great. Let's go on with the episode. All right, okay. All right Kat, this is the part where we talk about basically our to-do list or what we've got coming up or what we've been doing. Got it. I feel like I've just come, I've come in like I've just left my family at the money pit,

otherwise known as Centre Parks. You know what, we need to do a whole episode on Centre Park. Oh my God. I hate Centre Park. Oh my God. I've been really nervous about talking about this. Oh, I hate Centre Parks. Continue. I just, I've literally, I've just left.

It's great. First of all, I will give it this. It is a slick operation. You arrive, they're perky. I think to myself, my God, I've just seen another, like 100 cars in front of me, 100 cars behind. You've got your padder down. It's great. You go in there, you get the key, the band, you know.

You turn up at the lodge. It's got everything you could possibly need for a family. I mean, most financial cons are quite slick. I know. I know. Well, you say that. No shampoo, no conditioner, no shower gel, nothing in there. They get you on all those things. Tinfoil makes you take that sugar.

I was, I was prepped. This wasn't your first radio. It was my first time going to Centre Parks. No. Yes. First time ever. Oh, I'm so excited. Yeah.

Okay, you popped your centre parks show me. I did, I did. One thing I would say is, we've got the bikes. It was all really easy. You know, staff were all really nice. Bikes are they? But nothing's free at centre parks. Nothing is free.

Also, the hub, that's what they call it, isn't it? It's at the cycle hub. No, the big area where you, there's like, you've got the restaurant, you've got the village. Yeah. Just always reminds me of an airport terminal. It's exactly, the weather, it's like a weather spoons. It's like a weather spoons.

Yes. But there's a screen on the wall that's about, the size of a small football pitch and it's always got sport on yes yes it's like being it's like being a Gatwick Airport Terminal neither of us could say airport then did you notice that should try it again

Heathrow Airport Terminal Airport yeah two not even not five no no no that would be great two anyway so you just got back from Centre Park it was crazy way more cardio than I like to do on a family break out I'll be honest with you

I just spotted everywhere honestly and I did a lot of that. I did a lot of snorting over the, over the weekend. Not that kind of there was a lot of outward snorting of kind of like, how much? What? I paid. Did you do horse riding? No, I fucking didn't. Nobody can afford to horse riding at Santa Park. I'm not, I'm not being funny. My friend who had been before, I made a meme of her. She went, I paid a hundred pounds for an owl, an owl experience. And there's this picture of her. And her face, her eyes are dying, like her eyes.

The soul has left her body. And the owl is there like on her arm. She's holding it. And the owl, it looks like it's laughing going, you fucking mug. You paid a hundred pounds for this. A owl.

A owl. I was like, nowhere. Did she hold the owl for about three and a half a second? Yeah, I mean, there was a lot of training, you know, involved. That's what she paid for. That's what I felt like with my massage. I went for a massage.

I paid 20, what was it? It was something like 65 pounds for. or a massage that lasted 20 minutes. You know, 10 of that was me getting there, filling out of form, you know, all this shit. She was going to me, I'm just going to step out of the room. I went, stay exactly where you are. I'm literally undressing in front of her.

I went, don't leave. I have like 20 minutes for you to, you know, relax my shoulders. I didn't make it, to be fair, I've only been once. I swore I'd never go again. And when I went, I never made it into the spa. There was no, I mean, it was never going to happen. I heard the spa was amazing, but I just looked and I thought, I just, you get a three-hour session.

and it was something like a hundred and I thought, I can't. For how much it's cost me already just to, you know, get the family in here. I can't. I mean, for what it costs you for a holiday weekend, which is like Friday to Monday, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. You could almost certainly go on a jolly, all-inclusive to Spain for a week. You could. Yeah.

You could. I was just constantly, constantly shelling out. And you may notice my hair is a slightly different colour from last week. And that's because I went in the pool. Oh. The pool. Can we call it the pool? I don't know.

It's like 50% chlorine, 40% whee and 10% water. It stripped all the colour from my hair because it's so highly chlorinated because obviously to deal with the numerous kind of diseases and parasites and foot fungus, which is clearly in there. And all the kids weeing. And mate, honestly. And the adults. It's only two types of people in the world, you know. It's like a public pool. People who wee in the pool and liars.

Going down the rapid, you're like, who's doing it? Everybody's doing it. Everybody's weeing. I will not hear it from anybody. Oh my God. I never win a pool. You are a liar. Dirty liar.

I have weed in the pool before. Of course you have. But I didn't want to win. I'm so grateful that you made me. Can I just say, it felt too dirty to we in. I'm never in a pool and I've thought, I can't, no, I can't weigh in this one. It was awful. I can't wait to hear how Johnny felt about centre parks.

Yeah. I'm sure he'll tell you when he recovers from his ear infection that he probably caught in the pool. Everybody got ill. Everybody was getting ill. And I'm, you know, it's anyway. So what's the verdict? Would you go back?

No, I don't think I would, actually. The kids loved it. The kids absolutely loved it. No, the kids didn't pay for it. The kids didn't pay for it. The kids would love anything. And I did it for them, but I, you know, I've lost, the exuberance of youth

has left my body a long time ago. and my patience levels are not there. They also, they got smaller with each offspring. And I think that I don't do cues. And there's a lot of queuing. And I just actually were like, no, I was ready. I was ready to come home. It wasn't a holiday.

But I did enjoy going on a bike. And Johnny was doing these, like, weird skiddy things. And 15-year-old me was very juicy. Fizzy knickers. You knew I was going to say that, didn't you? I don't, I can't, no. But yes. Yeah.

Anything else you've got going on this week? Or is that the... It's just half term, isn't it? It's half term. And I'm going to try it and spend as little money as possible. Well, you're off to a great start in Centre Parks. Shall I tell you what I've been on dealing with this week? Yeah.

The perimenopause. It's just not all right. I've been a little bit on the fence as to whether I'm dealing with the perimenopause. You know, because I'm like, am I actually going through it? Because I'm 43. Or am I just on the internet too much? You know, and I'm aware of it. Yeah.

And I think it's probably... I think it's probably been a little bit from Colom A, a little bit from Colomé, a little bit from column B, but this week, if I was ever in any doubt, there was no doubt in my mind now that I am diving headfirst, headlong, into the perimenopause. What's the symptom that's, well, for a while, I've been having quite serious anxiety during my period, which has never really been there before, where I don't really want to leave the house. Okay. In fact, I don't really want to get out bed. Like, I just want to hibernate in a ball, which is unusual. And over the last

few months, I've called Jimmy from being in town. I'm like, I don't feel good. Like, I really just want to get home. And then I've realized it's my period. And I'm like, oh. Oh, it always coincides with that. So that was one thing. But then I thought maybe I'm just, you know, maybe my anxiety's ramping up. Yeah. You know, I didn't necessarily know for sure it was about the perimenopause. Yeah, yeah.

Then this week, the vertigo kicked in. Is that a symptom? Well, it could be. It couldn't. This is the thing with perimenopause. There's so many symptoms. Yeah, but that's a bit random, isn't it? This is it.

I've never in my life had vertigo before. What does that feel like vertigo? Just explain it to you me. Is it like literally how you feel when you stand on top of a tall building and look down? No, well, I'm not scared of height, so I don't. I don't think I get that weirdness there, but for me, I got out on the way, it started on the way home from school pickup on Friday I was driving and it just all felt a bit like, whoa, the world sort of tilted a bit and I was like, that's weird. And then when I got home,

the world was spinning, you know, when you're dizzy and you spin around, around, around, around, and then you stop and it take, and that's what it's like. That's exactly what it's like. And then I'd sort of sit down, lie down. And once I was lying down, I'd sort of be all right. And then I got up again and I was like, whoa. But, but. It only lasted for 12 hours. So it wasn't like labyrinthitis. It wasn't an ear infection. It's not anything wrong with crystals or whatever it is.

Really, you have crystals in your ear. Hold on. Yeah, sometimes you can get vertigo because there's some weird... Or buildup of crystals. No, like they're in the wrong place or something. I thought you meant like... Rose quartz in your fucking ear.

I thought it was... Jesus. Wet. Oh, God. Anyway, it wasn't that. Okay. And so vertigo is now part of my symptoms And it's a bit discombobulated

It's also a bit sad I was like, okay, I thought maybe I could avoid The perimenopause for a little bit longer But no, I'm there, I am fully in But the other two other things I want to talk to you about very briefly Firstly is I've been showering a lot more Have I shamed you into showering? She shamed me into showering

Every One day I had a shower in the morning and a bath in the evening That's a lot even for me Oh god, here we go A bath Wow And then I showered one night Put my fake tan on

Yeah And then obviously I had to shower in the morning I have to say I've showered every morning That doesn't count Kat Not washing off your fake tan Well I'm washing other things as well

Okay cool cool Yeah it counts But I have to say Showering in the morning You know It's been quite motivating Ladies gentlemen You heard it here

I don't love it, right? I do still really struggle. But I have to say what's helped is I haven't washed my hair every time. Yes. So literally it has been in and out five minutes. Okay. I hate getting out of my clothes.

I hate the coldness. I hate little things. I also think a warm towel on the radiator, a lovely like shower cap. I know I'm lucky if I remember to bring a towel into the bathroom. I know I'm terrible. I realize this plays into a little bit about what you're going to be talking about later,

which is, I also think I don't love the, I don't love getting into the shower because I sort of have to look down at my body which I'm not 100% comfortable with at the moment. Really? So I think there's an element of that. Anyway, we'll come back to that. Finally, I'm watching Rivals.

What is that? The Jilly Cooper book. It's a new remake on Disney. It's got David Tennant. It's absolutely brilliant. Isn't it quite sexy though? No, it's not sexy. It's raunchy.

It's like a romp. I don't, I don't, I don't. David Tennant and raunchy, sexy. It has brought back all of that 80s, raunchy joy. You know, like that kind of sex that isn't sexy, it's like just fun. It's a romp with horses and TV and Rupert Campbell Black and it has made my week. My period came yesterday, the day before I can't remember, and I've barely even thought about it because all I've done is watch rivals.

It's brought me so much joy. I've forgotten about the fact that my body is shutting down on me. Oh my God, I have to watch this. It's so good. It's on Disney. Got to watch it. Is this kind of like when you were teenager and you read Judy Blume? Yes.

That kind of excitement. I never read Judy Blume. It went straight to Virginia Andrews, flowers in the attic. Wow. Where the brother and sister were shagging. I was too scared. I heard about that and I thought I don't want that in my head. Read all of them at 10.

Ooh. Yeah. Then moved on. 10? Yeah. And then moved on to Julie Cooper. And I'm reading her newest one, tackle at the moment. Tackle?

Tackle. Tackle. That's amazing. It's about football world. Oh. I mean, the duble entendre is, Intentional. Yeah.

Okay, now is the point in this podcast where we make the title of this podcast make sense. So this is the you're never the only one who part. And it's kind of the beating heart of our podcast, if you like. It's why we're here. And each week we bring a topic that's personal to us that we want to talk about because we've battled with it or we've thought about it. And we know that other people are dealing with it as well. So we want to talk about it and shine a light on the.

The kind of those little things in life. Yeah. Just so that we can go, this is how we're feeling about this topic. Yeah. The feelings. Feelings. Feelings. I feel good.

I feel good. I do that. Okay. Okay. So, shall I just go in? Yeah. Like, it's going to upset some people. In fact, actually, I feel like it needs a trigger warning.

Should we get Jimmy to do a jingle? Please. Trigger warning. Thanks, Jimmy. That was amazing. So what I said last week that I wanted to cover was, you are never the only one who doesn't love their body. And it can be triggering.

And so this is your warning, okay? I want to talk about the body positivity movement. I just want to talk about it around it. And before we go any further, let's start with the premise, as we said last week, that all bodies are beautiful and they should all be celebrated. You don't want to make eye contact with me. You know, I do, I do. I'm not nervous.

And I 100% believe that we should be challenging society's harmful beauty standards. I do think they are. And actually, I believe that even more so now having two daughters. But the reality is that I believe we're still living in a world that celebrates skinny. I do. You feel that pressure. I feel that pressure. I feel they still celebrate slim.

And I think that a lot of that is to do with my age and the generation that I grew up in. And listen, anybody that came out the other side of the late 90s, early noughties, without any issues around their body, congratulations. Well done you. You are a unicorn. Well done you because, you know, we, us millennial women, we were bombarded with this, like, fat-phobic culture, essentially. Would you agree? 100%.

Yeah. I'm talking about as this stuff like the magazine articles and, you know, the front covers that were vilifying, like, fat rolls, cellulite, sagging older skin. Chris Evans weighing Victoria Beckham on his radio show maybe four weeks after she'd had a baby to see if she was back to her. original weight. Yeah. And this was also coincided with this whole inspiration, thin... Heroin chic as well. Yeah, exactly. Do you remember the kind of the lollipop kids, you know, the ones? Kate Moss? Yeah, I mean, well, Kate Moss is

famous saying, nothing tastes as good as skinny feels, which she doesn't regret. She just said it was something growing up as a young model in a model flat. That's what they used to say. I know. And when people say, do you regret saying that? It's like, well, obviously I wouldn't say that now. But it was of the moment. And it was true to her. Yeah. It was a kind of little jingle they had

when one of them reached for the biscuits they'd go, hey girl, remember. Jimmy tried doing that to me yesterday when I asked him to buy me a packet of chocolate hopnobs and he said, are you sure that's what you want? No, only because I'd asked him to kind of help me. But this is not the time of the month to be, no. And I said that, I'm sure.

Then I ate them and I felt really, really sick and really horrible about myself. I didn't this time. Normally I did. Did you take them dry? Yeah, neat. Are you serious? Well, this time, most times I do.

Was the hopnob's quite a, you know, claggy biscuit? Claggy salty biscuit. Yes. Listen, I'm quite used to claggy salty. Anyway, so I ate them all and felt awful, sick and mentally like I'm not great. Yeah. And then I blame Jimmy for letting me eat all the business. Only joking, though.

Not really. But yeah, so. So the body positivity movement. Yeah, let's get to it. Let's go back to the origins of it. Because I think that's quite important actually. And so I looked into it a little bit and the body positivity movement had its origins way before the late 90s,

naughty's situation. And in the larger context, it was a social movement advocating the acceptance of all bodies, their size, their shape, skin tone, gender, and physical ability. That's what body positivity was about. Message being to love ourselves and not place, kind of our value shouldn't be determined by, as I say, kind of societal. When was the origins of this body, this movement? This was in the 90s.

Okay, in the 90s. Okay. Now, it was around the late 90s and the early naughties that a feminist group that were called the fat underground, who basically wanted equal rights for fat people, they made a huge impact because of their support of this movement. So then it very much became about fat acceptance, which, you know, kind of left behind the kind of conversations around people of color, people living with disabilities. And ignored sort of the intersectionality. Yeah, exactly, exactly. the, you know, the LGBTIQIA plus community.

I mean, a lot of movements up until very recently and even now, most movements do are sort of steeped in white privilege, aren't they? And this was probably one of those. Fair point, fair point. But I'm looking now and I'm going two decades later, you know, look at this now, it's been over 20 years, I'm wondering how much has really changed? Like, how much has it really impacted on us?

And how much of it is kind of performative? because there are like, I can't remember exactly where it was I read, but it was something ridiculous like over 80 billion like hashtags around body positivity

on TikTok. Just a lot of hashtags. A lot of hashtags. However, you know, you look at recent, I think it was last week that is information leaked documents from TikTok

basically saying that they use AI to demote people they deem as unattractive on TikTok. No wonder I'm not doing very well on TikTok. I need to make, It's a bit more of an effort. Stop eating the hob knobs. It's not eating the hobnobs and then...

Oh, then I'll be viral. Maybe you'll be fine. She'll be all over you on the UP page. And then you look at like, look at the Azempic. Like, it's crazy this. Like, it's now so popular. So if you don't know what this is, it's basically diabetes medicine, which turns out when viral due to the fact that it speeds up weight loss in,

it's rapid in the way that it's been used now off labour. as a weight loss drug for people who might not have diabetes but may benefit from weight loss and now of course all the real housewives are taking it all the rich people are taking it I can't afford it yeah well you might be surprised no I know it's not actually that unreasonable but I mean it's much more expensive in America over here it's like 200 pound a month yeah and don't worry I have looked into it but the thing is that now there's a global shortage and people who have got type 2 diabetes

can't even get it well that's not all right is it it's not all right it's not all right It's not all right. So, you know, there's so many questions around kind of the body positive to movement. It brings up a lot of stuff around and this is always a very sensitive subject and we'll talk about this a bit more because actually I put out to my followers on Instagram. It's really interesting talking about the whole kind of could it be glorifying obesity as well. So this is a question, you know, that has gone out there. And it's out there. I can hear the heckles on some of our listeners.

This isn't. This is not what I think. No, no. This is just one. think one element of the conversation another element of the conversation and you know and then I looked into it I was like well is you know how is obesity looking these days yeah looked into it oh let's look at the figures okay so worldwide adult obesity has doubled but and adolescent there go on because what the medic medical world class is obesity right is your BMI index is that

and it's not and did you know that was that's based on a male so there's so many different Like all the crash test dummies in cars, yeah, or male. Don't crash, yeah, and the bodies are exactly the same. So yes, there's so many, there's nuances to this massively. But what I was really surprised about was the response to a lot of these questions that I got on my social media. So we talked very briefly about this. Your expectation was that people would display an element of body confidence or at least body neutrality. Yeah.

But actually when it came to asking individual normal, regular and I say normal regular in very very big wide loud bold question marks what they genuinely thought of their body yeah their relationship with it wasn't that great it made me really sad it made me really really sad actually but I don't think you were surprised I was like absolutely not surprised at all do you want to hear do you want to hear the like the percentages when it comes to your body image are you body positive which means you love and celebrate your body as it is reject strict appearance standards, or do your body neutral, accept your body for what it can do and recognise that it's okay to feel both positive and negative about your body. That's where I sit.

Yeah. Body negative, dislike your body and find yourself comparing it to unrealistic societal standards. I really thought, you know, that the body negativity response would be quite low, but actually it's the biggest response there. I'm not surprised. I would have said body negative. 50% of people were body negative. 47 were body neutral and despite this huge body positivity movement 4% of my followers said that they were body positive I think it's really interesting because this is definitely an issue that's like I know I like to bang on about the patriarchy

but it stems back to that let's be clear like it's about what we should look like as women what is deemed acceptable and while on a intellectual level I am body positive I can love my body for what it is. On a lizard brain, subconscious level, I have been hardwired my entire life

to believe that my body should look a certain way. And so as much as I fully support and get behind the body positivity movement and everything that is celebrated and all the changes that are being made from like mannequins to different models to, you know, whatever it is. On a subconscious level, it is not that easy.

it's not that simple to override those things that have been hardwired into me and so I suppose on good days I can be body neutral like on good days I can go to I'll put a bikini on I don't feel great about it but I'm not going to stop myself wearing a bikini it's fine like I don't really care what other people think and actually I don't care what other people think the feeling is very much what I think

and I don't you know and I said you earlier about getting in the shower I did realise part of that is probably about not wanting to confront what my body currently looks like compared to what it looked like when I turned 40. Yeah. By the way, it was banging. Was it really? Oh my God, I worked so hard.

Really? Yeah. And it's not fun that. If you don't like working out. Well, it wasn't, it wasn't fun. It was actually really expensive because I needed a personal trainer because I cannot do it on my own. That's bullshit.

That's bullshit. You can do it on your own. You can do it on your own. Yes. I can do it on my own. Yeah. I don't do it on my own. So anyway, so it was great.

It looked amazing. but the sad thing about this is that I think somehow along the line the body positivity movement has managed to pit women against women again and that bothers me yeah because I feel like it's the women who embrace body positivity now look down upon the women who aren't there well that's kind of letting the side down but there's that's the thing there's a toxic positivity to it I think there is yeah people are now starting to feel shameful because they don't love their body yeah it's just and shameful because they want to lose weight and I think we'd all all love to not want to lose weight. Right. I think in an ideal world, we'd all love to not have that on our brains all the time. But if you want to lose weight, the amount of time it takes up in my brain. Yeah. Either because I'm worrying about what I'm eating or I'm making sure I don't eat the bad stuff

or I'm thinking about how I can offset what I've eaten by the amount of exercise that I do. Like, it's a lot. It's mental fucking gymnastics. You know, what I found has really been a massive change for me is the whole more I start to focus on how I feel. rather than how I look, it's changed how I, how I eat and how I, how exercise. But don't the two correlate for you a little bit? It's like strong, I prefer strong over skinny.

I prefer strong over skinny as well. And that's it. And that's it. But I don't buy it. Really? I don't buy it. Go on. I mean, I'm only saying for you. Yeah.

Because I know you and I know me. Yeah. I like strong over skinny. But I, for me, strong still means toned. And it still means probably a size 10 or 12. Yeah but the thing is To me Yes true

But then there's not enough Disgust about And I was saying this year Before we went Before we went like That whole kind of Etimorph Endomorph

Messomorph Johnny told me about this years ago Because I used to go like Oh you know When I was so like I hate how much weight I've put on After the kids

And he was like done And you have to look at What your skeletal structure is You know Ectomorph is your Cape Moss So you know She has got very little fat A muscle

And she's based on It's based on her skeletal makeup. So the point, I mean, the point is then you could have three different women or four different women, all of those different types, endomorph, ectomorph, mesomorph, and they could eat and exercise and move exactly the same way and they would still all look different. Exactly that. And again, on an intellectual level. Yeah.

I think we all get that. Do we? I think we all get that. I don't think it's spoken about it. But on a subconscious level, I don't think it's enough to say, you need to love your body and have that be and have that override all that brainwashing and damage. I think our generation honestly, I think we're too far gone. Yeah. I think we are

too far gone, too brainwashed, too broken, too damage when it comes to body awareness to ever really be at a point where you go, I fucking love my body every inch of it, naked, not naked, hairy, not hairy, wearing whatever, I just think our gen- and I know it's sad but I think our generation's too far gone. Well, I'm scared for the future ones. I've got a nine-year-old turn around to me and she's definitely like kind of athletic build up and down she said and asked me if her thighs were too big she doesn't have social media she doesn't have any of that but it's being spoken about in the playground they're

already talking about it where's it coming from i put this out there i want to hear what other people think and i had a huge response and sorry to everybody who i don't read out here's a few okay i asked while we should be challenging society's harmful beauty standards are we in danger of glorifying obesity by ignoring the health risks associated with carrying excess body weight. Oh my God, I can't believe you asked that. I did. She's so brave.

And do you know what? I couldn't believe the response. 74% of people said yes. Yeah. Did you think that? Yeah. Did you? What do you think?

I don't think it's that simple. I'm not surprised by the answer. I do think there's a shit ton of nuance that fat or thin doesn't even begin to cover. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's really interesting, actually, how many people who messaged me said, I have a fuller figure, or I've had a drastic band and I agree with, you know what I mean? So I was really kind of surprised. So do you want me to read some of the responses out? Yeah, okay. So a gazillion percent, I agree, as a midwife, the growing population of full-figured women is leading to

higher risk birth, recovery, e.g. rising rate in wound infections. And yet, sadly, we aren't given longer appointments to discuss it. So it feels we focus on this and nothing else. Interesting. All right, here's another one. So I'm going through treatment for breast cancer and while there are many factors, weight is huge in preventing it coming back in the first place. All the preventative documentation, etc. says

do not be overweight to avoid it returning, but we are scared as a society to offend by saying being fat can kill you. But we do say smoking will kill you. It drives me mad. FYI, I'm not overweight and I'm actively trying to get leaner for my health, not looks. I hope this all makes sense.

It's a very emotive subject for me and the body positivity movement drives me mad. So she's not overweight, but she's trying to get leaner for her health, but she's not overweight. So she's not a risk of being unhealthy anyway. And I'm not calling her out because she's wrong anyway, but I think sometimes we don't even realize that we are buying into it. Yeah.

Like, I'm not overweight. I'm trying to get lean for my health. Well, are you? Yeah. And I'm not criticizing her. I'm trying to get lean because I want to be thin. Yeah. I want to be thin because everybody's always told me my entire life.

that I will be a better human if I'm thin. Yeah. I can't override all that shit. I know. I know that it's not right. Yeah. But there is a fundamental fucking feeling inside me that is really hard to override.

And do you know what? I probably could. Somebody help us. I probably fucking could override it. I don't have the time or the energy to spend... It's another thing. Because it would take so much. I know, it's another thing.

It's so big. Moving on, it's not about me. Thank you for talking in such topics. I think I'm a bit of an anomaly. I believe in body positive. and I love bodies in many forms and I think I'm beautiful. However, I don't see in the mirror

what photos show me and that is that I'm huge. I am currently on Manjaro, which is another one of the kind of those Mpics, spending hundreds a month as I've deceived myself into loving my body. Go on, talk to me. I have body dysmorphia in the wrong way.

Like her. Like her. It's the same. I look in the mirror and go, I look amazing. I'm so, I look so fit. and then people take photos and it's like somewhere between me leaving the mirror

and me get in front of that camera lens a small hippo took over and I'm like, or a prop forward and I'm like, what happened? I was skinny in the mirror. I feel you 100%. I have body dysmorphia the wrong way around. It's when I'm dressed though.

When I'm dressed and all my makeup's everything and I'm like, do you know what? Fit. I feel good. And then the photos come back and you're like, who is that? Who is she? I want to play some.

voice notes. Body positivity. I've spent years fluctuating between a size 10 and a size 14. Now, I'm only 5'4. And at almost 50 years of age, I've learned to look at the parts of my body that I love and focus on them as opposed to looking at the parts of my body that I don't particularly like. I do agree that the body positivity movement has possibly not encouraging obesity, but I can't

I don't think words like I think my dog's barking now, so that's distracting me too. But making it a bit too okay. Well, I didn't even know there was a body positivity movement. But come with me to a nudist beach. Every shape and size are there, and you will see the beauty. In it all, we all have things we would prefer were different on our bodies. But fuck it, I say. We're just mammals after all.

The only mammals that wear clothes I might add. So perhaps it's the invention of clothes that is, At fault, perhaps. Hi, Emma and Kat. I love that you're talking about this. I feel that I am somewhat triggered by the term glorifying. I do not find any glory in the excess weight I carry from probable PCOS and the fact that I think I'm undiagnosed ADHD and use food as a way of regulating my emotions. I feel like the whole subject has become massively oversimplified.

I can't spend the brain power I do when I have two neurodivergent children, worrying about what I look like. But equally, I try and look after my body as best I can whilst occupying a larger body. I don't agree that it's glorifying anything. I think it's just allowing people to have some peace in the world. body that they occupy. I think that's a great thing to end on. You know, we cannot judge anybody for the way they feel or don't feel about their body

because so much of it is out of our control, so much of it. I just think it's such a difficult topic that if we find ourselves arguing one or the other, we're already missing all the points. It basically brings us back to what a podcast about, which is you're never the only one. No, who struggles. It's struggling there. And I really appreciate all of those messages that you sent in. Thank you for your voice notes.

as well and yeah looking forward to hearing from more of you we did take the conversation about body positivity and body confidence out onto the streets and you went and harassed a few people and asked them about it didn't you i did i did and enjoyed it very much here's how it went what's your name eva hi yeah lovely to meet you nice to meet you um what does body positivity mean to you i think it's just being confident in your body not feeling any pressure from anyone else to look a certain way or have certain body features or get anything done to kind of match the standards nowadays the beauty standards. Absolutely. Feeling confident. And would you say your body positive? I think so. I think it took a long time for me to get here but now I am very very

confident and who I am. I love that. What part of your body do you love the most? What part? I love myself. You love yourself? Of course I do. You wake up in the morning and you look in the mirror and you go, I love myself. No, no, I don't go to the mirror. I go to the shower singing, and definitely I love myself. What do you sing when you go in the shower? If I will sing in Simon Cowell had already taken me. Mostly I make some nice ones.

We'll call it singing. We'll call it singing. Exactly. That's what I do. There is no witness. So you would say you're very body positive. You feel good about yourself? Yeah, of course I do.

What's the secret? Tell us. What can I say this? Okay. I believe I've been created by God as a spirit being and I've been sent to this earth to experience an early experience on a physical body. So I look to my body this way. Yeah. I look that my spirit has been put inside a magnificent Ferrari.

Yeah. You know, sometimes I cannot drive it properly. But that's what I see. You understand? So it's a vessel and you're grateful for the vessel. It is a vessel for my spirit. What's your name please? Jenny.

Jenny and Caitlin. Mother and daughter? Yes. Lovely to meet you. Let me start with you, Caitlin. What does body positivity mean to you? It means welcoming who you are, embracing who you are and others. And what about you, ma'am?

I think for me it's being happy in your skin, whether your skin is taking on more of the world or less on the world. Depends on how big or small your body is at a time. It doesn't really matter. So it's just being comfortable in who you are. And the external size is not that important. How much has your opinion on your body changed over time? think when I was younger I was really obsessed with how I looked to the degree of not eating the

way I should and not being healthy and all that kind of thing. I think as I've gotten older, you just know you're going to be dynamic and some days your body is going to be bigger, other days it's going to be smaller. Don't get on the scale. The scale's going to lie anyway. So it's how you feel in yourself. Yeah. And I think being able to celebrate having extra weight or less weight or any scars or anything like that is just that's awesome right because it's part of what it's part of you who you are in your life rather than just thinking I have to be a certain size to be happy because knowing whatever size your clothing is and a change depending on what trip you go to

it doesn't make you happy are you on social media at all and how would you say that is influenced how you see your body I think it can have quite a negative impact if you because a lot of the time you get a feed of people they're like oh this new thing will make he's so skinny and it'll make everything be perfect, which nobody is perfect, other than yours to yourself, and that's all that has to be. So I really think that we have to be careful with social media, because there are some people out their way trying to make body positivity, but body positivity be a real thing. There are some people trying to stop it. Yeah, so we need to be careful with what we see. Okay, I found that really, really interesting. I could honestly have talked about

body positive, all of that stuff for the whole time. But, unfortunately, we have to move on to my topic. Not unfortunately. No, I'm quite pleased. It's quite serious that one. That was. Yours is going to be... Do you know what?

I think it's a little bit of both. Okay. I ask, you're never the only one who worries that they're not having enough sex. Okay. Now, I just want to caveat this. I'm going to start... I'm going to... Jimmy's going to be literally furious.

I'm going to start this chat off with being really honest and vulnerable because I'm going to tell you how much sex we've been having. You don't have to tell me how much sex you've been having. But, you know, if you really wanted to support the podcast, you would. Anyway, I'm going to give you fair warning It's not a lot Okay It's not a lot So last Saturday

Jimmy and I had sex For the first On a morning Morning sex Oh You say that Because you need to Fucking shower

Isn't it Yeah It's brush teeth And stuff Yeah Okay Right So we had sex

For the first time Probably Yeah Six or seven months It's quite a long time Now I know That there'll be a lot of people Listening

Who might gasp Might start using Terms such as There'll be that many people Listening No that's awkward I think a lot of people will be in the same boat

go on so we had sex first time about six seven months now I'm not ashamed I know that lots of people will start thinking of that as maybe like a sexless marriage but for us that isn't the case I mean I think both of us would love to have more sex right but I also think that neither of us

have a particularly high sex drive also we're busy and tired now that isn't to say though that there isn't any intimacy between us And I think that's a real important distinction. There is lots of intimacy between us. It's not like we're flatmates living, you know, it's just that the actual nuts and bolts of it.

Nuts. Sorry. I'm sorry. I mean, I made the pun on purpose. I did use it. I did. Sorry. It's like I saw it happen.

The actual nuts and bolts of the penis in the vagina. Yeah. Just we don't get around to it that much. Oh, okay. And it's not, you know, I do remember talking to Jimmy at one point and saying, listen, I want you to know that if I had the energy and the capacity and the bandwidth, I'd jump your bones right now. Yeah.

I just don't have it. And he was like, I get it. So, I also think sex is a bit like going to the gym. Like, I feel like you never really feel like doing it, but you're always glad when you did. You know, and I think as a woman, that's, I don't think men really understand that in the same way that women do. Because I think that there's a difference between being turned on as a woman and being turned on as a man. So I had this conversation with Jimmy this morning.

It was fascinating. And I said, can I record it? And he said, no. So now I'm going to have to put it into my own words. No, well, should him. More fool him. Should have got it down on the record. But essentially, he was saying,

I was reading out a list of all the reasons people had written to me about why they think they're not having as much sex as they want to. And one of them was, my husband thinks that turning a woman on is like flipping a switch in the same way it is for a man. Yes. And he said, I don't understand. And my husband's quite an emotionally intelligent, forward-thinking guy.

And I was like, I think that sometimes men underestimate all the external surrounding stuff that goes into whether we feel like having sex, whether we are turned on, that men don't really, and I don't think it's a biological thing, I think it's a social thing. I think it's because women, for a long time, have shouldered the mental load. I think we spend all of our days cleaning up after people, picking things up. putting fucking loose seats down taking plates off the counter on top of the dishwasher and putting them in the dishwasher and I think we get to a point where we just don't feel like we want to have sex with somebody if we feel like we're sort of mothering another child okay so there's that I also think there's a

misconception that society is solders I think that I like to call it the rom con okay do you like it like it. I like it, but I don't know what it means. Well, you know the wrong coms, where it's all like this is a perfect relationship and they put the kids to bed and then you rip your clothes off and you have sex on the kitchen counters. Yes. Nobody seems to ever do any laundry. Right.

You know, and men just know what the woman's thinking. Yes. Turn up at the right time. Always. You know, that strong, they're fluent intellecty. Yeah, yeah. And if that's not happening in your relationship, somehow you feel like your relationship isn't valid or good enough.

Okay. And I think that's bollocks. Right. Like I think a bit like the body myth that we've been sold about what your body should look like. I think we've been sold a similar one about what our marriages should look like and what a good non-plotonic relationship should look like. And I'm calling bullshit on that as well because I think that we all grew up on those articles that were like, how much sex should you be having? And actually I think anything that starts with should be having, what should

you be doing? I think we have to immediately invalidate because it has to be so subjective and so personal. People who are happily married and intimate but not having any sex. and people would go, well, that's not a good marriage. Well, if it works for them, it works for them. So what I wanted to do with this discussion was normalise this idea that I don't think everybody is having lots of sex every week. And I put this discussion out on the Instagram. I run a few polls on my stories and let me tell you.

You did not disappoint. And also, I want to say that this is a really positive, comforting set of results. So I asked, it was over 6,000 people, 6,500 people who voted. I asked, do you think you have less sex than other couples? So, i.e., are you comparing yourself to what you think you know about other people and coming out wanting? And 72% said yes. Right.

So 72% of couples of women, let's be honest, it was mostly women, said, yeah, I think we probably have less sex and other people. I would have thought was higher than that. Well, statistically, that means that most of us think we're having less sex, but actually we're not. Right. You know, so that's a positive thing. Okay. Secondly, I ask, do you worry about your sex life with your partner? Like, not only you're not having it, but do you think that there's something wrong?

64% said yes. Well over half of us are worried about our sex life. And then in some way it's not right or healthy or enough, but we're all having these same feelings. And actually, I think, again, this just shows that we are actually probably all having about the right amount of sex. Okay. Or about the same amount of sex. Next up, and this was a big one. This one filled my heart with joy.

How much sex do you have? I can't wait for the answer 22% are having sex at least once a week Wow So that's not very many Wow 26% are having it two to three times a month How say that again

22% are having sex at least once a week Second one 26% two to three times a month So not once a week Okay 16% are having it once a month And 36% sex less than once a month

I would have thought that was higher I thought that would have been much higher I think 36% less than once a month that's over a third I would have liked to have known in your and maybe there's more to come but tell me what questions

yeah okay tell me I'd quite like to know would you be having less sex if it was down to you right I didn't ask that exact question but the next question does allude to that allude to that so i actually know it's a relationship is a question of that next question was

how important do you think sex is in a relationship and i love the answers to this because it became clear that when we're being honest yeah we know that we know that sex isn't the most important thing in a relationship right but 16 percent and only 16 percent said they thought it was central to a good relationship right okay 28 percent said it was one of the most important things 50 percent said there are more important things yeah and six percent said it's not important at all So I think what we're finding is that it's a very average chilled out vibe we are giving into our sex lives. Yeah. But we seem to think that somehow it's not enough, but actually everybody's sort of, or less on the same trajectory.

Very few people are having loads of really passionate sex and they think it's the most important thing. It's weird to me out how many people think that, you've said it to me. And even actually the group on the WhatsApp group at Centre Park, it was being alluded to, amongst the parents that me and Johnny was just like banging like rabbits back at our cabin and like that was the norm and it's I don't know why what gives that vibe off yeah I mean I assume yeah I know you do but what gives that vibe that's it like a jackhammer yeah what makes you think that I don't know I think it's I don't know it's like slutty appearance that you give up I'm joking but interesting that because I think you know that I think that puts a lot of pressure on other people

so I'm the first person to go no no no no but hardly all right so tell me how many sex How often you're having said? Would you have hit once a week, two to three times a month, once a month, less than once a month? I'd say probably between once and twice a month.

Okay. I mean, I think you're in the minority then. Even if you're not having it all the time, even if you're having it once a month, that's quite good. Yeah. There you go. See, now I feel better about that

because I would have worried that wasn't enough. Yeah, exactly. And he would have it way more. I think actually the point of it is There aren't no fucking rules That's also sex together That's not like on my own Oh no

On my own Most days Retending Listen I work from home I'm my own boss Sometimes I have a nap Yeah Sometimes I have a wank

I do it to have a nap Yes You said it I remember this You told me It was the best headache You ever Was having an orgasm

And you were right I've tried it since Brilliant It's amazing Anyway let me move on So finally I asked If you're not having as much

sex as you like, why do you think that is? Okay. Now, I could only give four options in the poll. So, initially, 37% said it was their sex drive. Nine percent said it was their partner's sex drive. Now, we're going to assume that people answering this are women. So essentially, women's sex drive play a larger part in the lack of sex than men's sex drive. I don't think we're walking on any new ground there. No, no, no. I think that isn't just because we're angry about the mental load, but I think we've got hormones and parents. I probably get out of a month, two, maybe three days where I feel really balanced and great. Yeah.

Where I'm not bloated or PMT or the release of your, like your ex. Totally. That's your, that's your, that's your, totally. Right. Something that men don't have to deal with. Yeah. So when I'm bloated and just about to come on my period, mentally, mood wise, I'm like, I dare you to fucking touch me.

Like, do you know what I mean? Like, it's, it's, it's no wonder that our sex drive isn't as high as men's. But do you not find as well? Like one of the things that I've discovered and I actually started looking into I'm not going to have to get some powdered rhino horn for this shit I was like what's going on like seriously I'm looking at my husband going I fancy the fuck out of you

like literally my head is going I want to have sex my body's going no no yeah yeah but that's all the time that's not any time given that I feel that's a massive perimenopause symptom for me and it makes me really sad because it's like ugh because I want you to know I love you and I want to be close to you want to be fit and I love having having sex and how it bring it just makes us so there's like this cycle it's a different connection right once you've had sex you're like oh you know you are connected

in a way yeah that you aren't yeah that can dissipate it's such a regroup yeah yeah i do think that this like the mental load really plays a part like people talk about chore play and they get really angry they go well loading the dishwasher shouldn't warrant a blow job i mean i get it it shouldn't it doesn't yeah yeah yeah it's not that transactional yeah yeah i'm not saying well don't you loaded the dishwasher here have a blowy. It's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is if I, over the month, see you folding the laundry,

doing the dishless that I don't have to, and I feel kept in mind and taken care of. When you do want to have sex with me, I'm more likely to because you haven't spent the month being a cunt. Yeah. Because it's taken off some of that mental load. You've shared it, so they speed up space to feel sexual and feel like... And also it's an act of love.

It's a love language. Right. It's like you've supported me. It's acts of service. Yeah, yeah. I feel loved, therefore you can get your end away. So let's move on. 48% said the main reason

they're not having as much sex as they'd like is because they've got young children and they're tired. Unsurprising that that's most. 48%, 48%. And that elicited a whole slew of DMs from people who said, don't think that gets better

with teenagers are the worst cock blockers. One of them said, one of them said, my daughter texted us from her bedroom below saying in the middle of it saying please can you stop please can you stop so she was like no she was like we were mortified dry up yeah it's done everything what's for dinner yeah done nobody's coming back from that and six percent said that it was down to their or their partner's mental health but then people

I gave them an option to say other reasons that might stop now I'm going to rattle through them working all the time boredom hormones and monthly cycle i don't like my husband there was quite a lot of those wow quite sad feeling the pressure to do it lack of trust cancer medication medication in general gynaecological issues ADHD demand avoidance velcro dogs i do have one of those we have to put her outside and she barked she's not it's not sexy other priorities lack of understanding that being turned on is a switch flipping thing a snoring husband that means i have to sleep on the sofa i'm too resentful being touched out day to day resentment lack of support seeing him as a child not a lover just don't think we're into that each other anymore i'd rather watch maths i feel

you married at first sight menopause lack of everyday intimacy postpartum erectile dysfunction obviously that's not that it's their husband's issue yeah feel like we have sex it this was so interesting i feel like if we have sex it resets everything to zero and any issues i have don't get met or sorted out so again it's this like disconnect that men don't don't marry emotions and feelings and other shit with sex like it's just like we're just gonna have sex

and it's not connected whereas for women it's so cerebral it's so connected lack of emotional connection lack of kindness expectation to have sex when he's not been kind

with his words lack of compatibility hasn't been the same since lockdown anger resentment social media addiction dry vaj squeaky fucking bed

traumatic birth so important so important he's crap I never come has he always been crap maybe lack of confidence about my own sexual ability having to mammy my husband grief endometriotis now I think men would be shocked when they heard that list that's crazy about all the myriad of things that play into whether we do or don't want to have sex yeah and I hope that if they're listening it makes them realize that it just we're not rocket science but we are quite sensitive yeah it's not hard but it does take a little bit of time and effort and thought and I think that's what came out of the whole thing the reason and this goes this is a nice way to wrap it up the reason actually

that a lot of women gave for not wanting to have sex was that they didn't like their own body they weren't comfortable with their own body so there you are if you've got anything that you want to say about this week's episode or if you want us to talk about anything that we haven't yet tackled, then you can email us on you're never the only one at gmail.com, or you can voice note us on, or text, but voice notes we like. 07457-402-704.

If you're watching this, it will be on the screen. If you're listening, that's 07457402-704. Save the number. Next week's topics. Go. Okay. I'll keep it very simple. The commercialisation of childhood. Oh. I think it's, I'm really I'm sick of it. I'm really

fucking sick of this. And I know, it's very much social media but I was talking about it over the weekend and I was just like holidays you know as a kid you just used to go along and it was you know you do what your parents wanted to do and they just dragged you along and that was it your birthday parties it was really simple it was a bowl of crisps and it was like a you know and you know and a few sweets and some you know some token fruit and you know and maybe a maybe an entertainer if you were lucky and some games it was after school yeah and it was it was small it was intimate and now it's bloom garlands and all this like you know light up letters and all this shit and don't

even get me started on Halloween and Christmas what are your questions oh gosh you're never the only one you're never the only one who wants to go back to the good old days where childhood was simple and cheap perfect my topic is female friendships female adult friendships okay I want to know again I'm talking about these myths that we've been sold like the body positivity like the rom-con. I want to know what your version of a good friendship is. What do you think constitutes a good friendship? What makes a good friend? Are you the kind of person who wants a ride or die? No matter what you do, no matter what you say, they are by your side. Or are you the kind of person who wants a friend who will tell you when you've been a twat? Are you the

kind of person who needs everybody and needs your friends to respond to all the WhatsApps and all the calls? Or are you the kind of friend who is very aware that sometimes people don't have enough time. Don't know if you can tell which side of that particular argument I fall on. Perhaps was presented in a slightly biased way. But either way, I want to hear your stories. And I'd also love, on the voice note session, a section of it all, I'd love to get examples of when either you fell out with friends over a mismatch in expectations over what a friendship should and shouldn't be. So that's next week. Friendship and cheap childhood. With that, we're going to say goodbye. Thank you. And until next week, we'll see you then.

Ciao for now This world is complicated Everything moves so quick You're lying to yourself If you think that you've got to live Everybody love You're never the only one You're never the only one

inside your string because everybody makes mistakes oh don't judge me I'm a weakness don't judge me on my floor because no one's really perfect by the grace of God

goes home everybody knows you're never the only one You're never the only one Don't live inside the shame Because everybody makes mistakes Oh Taking the time to make sure everything's okay

Picking up like to everyone else Each and every day When I've got nothing left for you to spend on you You're allowed to be happy, too. Don't live inside your shame Because everybody makes mistakes Oh You're never the only one

You're never the only wrong Don't live inside your shame Because everybody makes mistakes Oh You know,