You're Never The Only One - The (Late) Christmas Day Special...You're Never The Only One

Episode Date: December 29, 2024

Welcome to the Christmas Day episode of You’re Never The Only One. Yes, we know it’s late and we can only blame the dodgy wifi in the deepest, darkest depths of Devon for that but as they say, better late than never! We deep dive into the worst Christmas gifts of all time and discuss all things festive f*ckery.  As ever, we’d love to hear from you. Did you received a terrible Christmas present this year? Or any year? Got a story about Christmas, or about anything, that you think we’ll enjoy?  Email us: [e-mail] Voicenote/DM: 07457 402704 Please hit the follow button wherever you listen to your podcasts and if you can find it within yourself to drop a 5⭐️ review, we’d be very grateful. It’s the easiest and most effective way to support the podcast. Follow You’re Never The Only One on Instagram and TikTok. Credits You’re Never The Only One is created by Cat Sims. It is written and presented by Cat Sims and Emma Nicolet. Producers are Hannah Twigg & Anna Dixon at YMU London and Katie Ray at Radient Management. The podcast is recorded at Outset Studios in London and edited by the team at YMU. Theme music is written and performed especially for You’re Never The Only One by Hot Salad.

then we like put our hands up then when I'm editing I know where we're together because that's going to be a little bit ahead of that because we push that button first I don't understand you don't need to just say one two three say one two three and just put your hands up okay okay one two three there we go right back oh yay welcome everybody welcome and Merry Christmas because you should be listening to this on Christmas Day this is all very special you're never the only one Christmas episode. It's so exciting.

Except that's a fake excitement. That was so fake. I'm going to try and talk myself out. I'm going to squeeze out of you like the Christingle orange. Now, listen. You're going to be juiced. So juice. For the first time in a long time, darling.

I know she looks like Scrooge today. Well, she looks more like a bar humbug today. But if you're watching, she's wearing a black and white striper jumper if you're listening. But I am joined today by the wonderful Cat Sims, who I learned this week, it's actually, sorry, it's actually a trained nail technician. A trained nail technician. However, however, having seen her handiwork,

I wouldn't recommend that you ask her for a manicure. Unless you want it to look like it's been done by a five-year-old, who's blind, has spaghetti for fingers, and Parkinson's. I love it. It was that or an Alps. alcohol problem. I didn't know which one to go with. Either was going to hurt. Both are fine. Both are fine.

It's brilliant. My mum's got Parkinson's. I know that. My eyes like, don't. I'm just going to have a cry. Oh, jeez. It's all right. We call her shaking stevens. Anyway, I'm joined by my very own Christmas Cracker. Yay! Emily Clay, and just like a cracker, bright and shiny on the outside, full of rubbish, got shit jokes. And according to Johnny, goes with a bang! Oh my God.

You're never the only one Don't live inside the shame Because everybody makes me stay It may be your best I know I think so I think I might have peaked on Christmas day Well done, what a great way to end the year It's all down hills from here and out

I'm really excited about today And I'm a little bit disappointed Because we discussed I mean I've got my Christmas jumper on You can pass it off as your bar humbug by Christmas jumper But the fact is on the way here You were like shit shit shit shit It's a stretch.

I haven't brought anything. I was supposed to bring Christmas decorations. I didn't do that. I was supposed to wear a Christmas jumper. I forgot. I am going to play the, I'm a bit busy card. You are quite busy. I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed.

I've got hives. I've come out in hives when I'm stressed. She's come out in proper hives. Don't worry, I've got you. I know, she has. I've got you, look. Oh, why? Oh, look.

Oh, look. There we go. No expense, Ben. No expense, Ben. Right. And I had a funny feeling you might let me down on the, on the jumper side. Oh, no. I've got some lovely

Rudolph the red nose reindeer antlers for you to match my little tree that just popped down there And you want me to wear these for the episode I don't see why not I'm gonna give them a million reasons You don't seem very happy with this How is that?

I think that's good I think that's good Tank doesn't care Tank couldn't give a flying fuck He's distracted by the plant Oh look at that beautiful Just to be clear, it is plastic. It is plastic. It's not plastic. That's what my daughter Molly thought.

And I went, put your finger in it. I finger it. Go on. Oh, it isn't plastic. No, so that's where I had to carry that very gently all the way from Sussex. Don't take off the fake snow. I feel like this still hasn't hit the spot. So because I am feeling fucking festive. What else have you got? What else have you got?

What else have you got? No, you didn't. No, you didn't. Because I didn't get you on. I did think about it today when I was running around HobbyCard. I've got something. I think I'll really cheer you up today. You know, when I was.

just downstairs saying I'm so hungry I could cry because I realised I hadn't eaten anything all day and you went I've got some Bill Tongue and I was like that's amazing went through half of your Bill Tong but you didn't tell me half that was

I think it was about three quarters five pound a bag bag day if I'm starting on it now I don't even go Ladies and gentlemen I have bought her I've never had the mint crisp before a massive family size limited edition It's not family size

It is it is mint Chris Dairy milk because she told me the other day I don't like potter chocolate I like shit chocolate and I thought there you go That's cat size is that

That's cat size I'm going in Anyway what's going on today I find that I find that I think that I'm only kind of just a single woman But according to Tescoe

Tiramisu I'm a family of four Yeah It's very true It's very true Very true And also I feel like A bit like

This is almost Because it's Christmas Day Yeah It's almost like An afterate that's what I was thinking. I nearly bought after eight. I thought that's really shit chocolate.

We'll do some air some while now. Go on. Merry fucking Christmas. Oh my God. How is that? For me, it's torture because I can't eat it because I'm still on keto until...

Right, listen. Get on with the episode. I'll be eating my chocolate. Okay, and you'll be eating that. I wonder what you're doing right now. While you're listening, while you're watching, how's your Christmas been?

That's what I'm wondering. I'm picturing you're either listening to this, maybe in the morning, as you're getting ready. Maybe you're even getting the sprouts on now. Maybe you're about to start your breakfast. Or maybe like me, you're at the end of the day and you're just fucking over it.

Maybe that's where you are. I don't do any cooking in my house. I don't do anything. That doesn't surprise me. It's Christmas Day. He's like, so you on clean up duty? Yeah, yeah. But obviously whoever's there gets drafted into help as well

because we're hosting so you can get away with it. So you do nothing basically in Christmas Day. It's great. And I have to say, yeah, the only thing I ask for on Christmas Day is I like to have I've had it since I was a kid I don't know how Christmas days used to look for you

but it was just scrambled eggs smoked salmon and bucks fizz that in the bag for me that's it and then that's Christmas that is Christmas

so you don't need a turkey no no for breakfast I know but you're saying that's Christmas as if like that's all I need I have to have turkey obviously on Christmas day and nobody else seems to like it

but I love it I love it I'd have it the rest of the year pumpkins and turkeys the rest of the year I don't know why they're seasonal oh pumpkins no okay all right what about you what makes Christmas day for you what would you be doing

so we would have done the same yeah nice sort of eggy bagelie smoked salmony breakfast obviously no more prosceco for me no no secco probably not now really strong cup of coffee

I want coffee so strong that your spoon stands up in it that's what I need yeah you want to time that right as well before, you know, everybody arrives. Well, the good thing about coffee is that it makes you go. That's what I mean. So you can get your big poo out the way.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Before the day kicks off. Before the guests arrive, you've got to make sure you're going to make room as well because you've got a lot of food to get in there. Yeah, got to make sure the house smells nice again. Yes, exactly. So, you know, so that's what we'll do. And then I come from a family that were very quite big on Christmas.

You know, mum did beautiful tablescapes and we did, we had lots of people over and all the rest of it. And it was lovely and that was Christmas to me. and then I went to Jimmy's family for Christmas once Oh God, not the same. Why? I don't know. No, I do know, but I don't know how rude it would be about it. Listen, it was lovely.

It's about the people you spend the time with, isn't it? It's not about the tablecloth. Now we've got that other way, and what was it like? There was no alcohol. I was still drinking. You're right? Oh, God. Nobody drank.

Nobody drank. And as we got into the Christmas lunch, I sort of got through a few mouthfuls of turkey, and I was like, I don't suppose any wine. and they sort of looked to each other blankly and they went well we might have some pudding wine somewhere I was like no you're all right thanks

I mean I might be an alcoholic but I'm not that desperate so are they are they just not doing no and and it was like it just wasn't the same I think I realised how lucky I was to grow up with a family that really went all out at Christmas well it's I mean it's

I feel like it's medicinal at Christmas alcohol you kind of need it to get through the fact that you're forced into a space and you have to be having a good time. Yeah, the problem is that it's always been medicinal for me. Right. Like on a Tuesday night, it's medicinal. On an airport at 7 in the morning, it's medicinal.

You know, so I hear you. Yeah. But we're glad that the booze has gone. Have we? Nobody's going to have a good Christmas cream on the booze. Let's be honest. Well, I mean, I'll have a great time. But nobody else will.

So, yes, that's it. So we are going to do listener stories today about Christmas. We've been asking all week for people to send in their Christmas stories. Now, the great thing about this is that they've been sending them to me. Yeah. So Emma doesn't know. I'm so excited.

You don't know what's coming. Because I get to enjoy them along with everyone listening. Well, and what I've done is I've shared them out for us to read them. Yeah. But before we do the listener stories, I thought I'd share with you a few of my own epic Christmas stories, personal ones. Okay. So these are all along the theme of shit gifts, which by the way is probably the best question I've ever asked.

What's the worst gift you got for Christmas has brought me? The answers have brought me so much joy. But I can think of two. It's a tie for me. So there was the time when I was about, oh, I don't know, eight or nine. And all I wanted in the world, a bit like every other eight or nine year old was a game boy. Oh yeah.

It was that, yeah. Oh, yeah. And I had made it very clear. All I talked about was this game boy, just wanted a game boy, my friend had a game boy, everybody had a game boy, I wanted a game boy. I went on and on, on about the game boy. And come Christmas morning, there was a box under the Christmas tree, shaped like a game boy box.

Oh my God. And I was delighted. And I was like, you're shaking it? I shook it. Well, I was like, I'm going to open it first. And dad made me wait. He said, no, this is a special present from me to you. You're going to wait till the end.

So the hot, I didn't care what else I got. I couldn't tell you. I was like, ripping it open. Yeah, great, whatever. I just wanted to get to this game boy box. got to the game boy box opened it up game boy box never been happier oh my god went to rip it open no game boy and instead my dad had put a jewelry box in there with a gold charm bracelet oh no no no no now all right yeah charm bracelet whatever

I was nine years old she didn't want a gold chain baron bracelet I wanted a game boy and he went out of his way yeah to make me think I'd got a game boy I burst into tears quite reasonably I think it's quite traumatic it really is I mean I can't imagine doing that to one of mine I can feel my hives pulsing as I remember the trauma and I was so distraught

because he'd really he'd like gone out of his way to be a total cunt oh my god like he'd really put a lot of time and effort into it anyway my mum on the boxing day sales was like you were going to go and buy her a game boy too fucking wrong and you can get her an extra game as well

what did you go for king Kong No, Mario? Super Mario and Tetris. Well, Tetris came with it. Oh, of course it did. Tetris came with it. Did you get Tetris thumb? I used to get Tetris thumb, but also I used to get that thing where I played it so much that when I wasn't playing it, I was convinced I could hear the music.

There's something quite Yiddish about it. There's something very Yiddish about it. It's only just a cut to me. It's a good figure on the roof that, isn't it? Okay, so anyway, that was the first one. Second one was when I was 26 and I wasn't in a great place mentally. I would say that it was my first ADHD burnout, but it was diagnosis, depression, wasn't.

But that's just to give you a base level of where I was. Again, you'll remember there's never been a diagnosis she doesn't love. It's true, I love a label. Anyway, so I wasn't feeling great. It was the first Christmas that we didn't have a house full. It was one of that, you know, that kind of confluence of certain circumstances where suddenly your sisters and brothers are off with other people and this, that. So it was just me and my mum and dad.

And you're the youngest. And I'm the youngest and I'm 26 and I'm down in the dark. Right. Okay. And mum and dad have said, look, we're not going to have a massive, expensive Christmas. Fine. I thought, that's all right. Yeah. So then I got to my present, opened it up and my mum had bought me six pairs of black socks and a steering wheel lock. Again, I cried. Oh, God, you know what? I was like, I was so like, yay, mum, because I watched the Game Boy, but she just, right down in her estimation. Shit. And so that, that was bad enough. And I thought, you know, I'm just going to remove myself from the situation because nobody's going to have a nice time. No. So I went to my best friend's house and I was like, can I just jump it? You didn't even say for the roast?

No, I just went, can I just come to your house? I'm like, I hate everybody I live with. Oh my God. And so I went to her. She was like, of course you can. Turned up. It was great. All the rest of it, they gave me a present,

which was clearly one of Antonia's presents that they were like, we'll give it to a lot. It was nice. It was a watch, nice watch. It was great. Wow, great. Sat down for dinner and it was like big family, their brothers and all of that lot.

Anyway, that happened to be the year that they'd sold their family home. So while I'd got six pairs of black socks and steering wheel lock, her dad handed each of them a check for 10,000 pounds. 10,000 pounds. 10,000 pounds. So if I wasn't already feeling. His house did you go to next?

Yes. And they got a Ferrari. Swear to God. Anyway, the point is, yeah, it was rough. I thought mine was bad. It was, it was, tell me. Well, it was before kids. and there was me

and you know my mother-in-law and my mum and my brother-in-law and Johnny and my sister and her new boyfriend all went down to a lovely place in Wales for Christmas. It was beautiful. And we spent a week there and kind of had the build-up to it

and we had all this time together and then on Christmas day. Had started quite early with the Bucks Fizz we start with orange juice because you know you're kind of like oh it's a gay drink of orange juice that's early in the morning and then it just progressively, you know, I got more and more lubricated.

I was still pretty compass mentors, but I kind of got up just to kind of say a little speech. It's not really me to do this, but I got up and just as saying how lovely it was, you know, to have my mother-in-law there and my brother-in-law there and I got to my sister and then her boyfriend and just to say, you know, it's so lovely that you've taken the time, you know, to spend this Christmas with us and be away from your family and we want you to feel like a part of ours and a big one welcome

thank you so much for being here so can everyone please raise a toast to Alex but his name wasn't Alex his name was Tom our ex-boyfriend was called Alex and I just wanted to die

I honestly was like I'm so sorry I've just had so I've had way too much luckily he took it really, really well. But yeah, that was my sister, still hasn't forgiven. I bet she hasn't. I messaged her the other day and I was like, what was that one before that one? She was like,

are you telling the Christmas? Yeah, sorry about that. Is that the sister who you call Leah the Pia? Yeah, sorry about that too. I'm sorry about that. I'm sorry. I'm starting to feel a bit better. Good, yeah. I know I can make you work. I'm perking up a little bit. That and the chocolate. That and the chocolate. So can we start on the stories that have been sent in, please, because I'm super excited. Yeah, we can. Okay, so we're starting

with the tales of shit presents. Okay. Okay, so this is from Joe. Okay. One year I needed a new laptop and my mum kept telling me not to buy one because someone might get me one for Christmas. So I obliged and put off buying a laptop

even though it was actually pretty inconvenient. Okay. As we rattled through our Christmas presents, it soon became worryingly clear to me that there was in fact no laptop there for me. When I asked my mum about it, she said, oh, I didn't mean I was going to get you and I just thought someone might, but not me.

No. Yeah. Oh my God. So that, so yeah, no laptop for Joe. Oh my God. But imagine going out of you going, oh, somebody's going to get him wrong. It's like, how old is she? Joe clearly is not believing in Father Christmas.

So normally that's what, no. I tell you who does believe in Father Christmas. Is he? Jimmy. And so Jimmy should. No, it's the only conclusion I can come to because I, I, I can't understand how else he thinks this shit gets done. Sorry, do you not believe in Father Christmas? Can't.

Oh, God, are we doing this? no emma i don't believe in father oh well all the children that are listening will know that you won't be getting any presents this year any well cun cun cun cun cun cunt any kids any kids listening i've got bigger problems to worry about now remember on the radio it was the cardinal sin to go away when we spoke no

no you can't we get you taken up the radio oh anna wry house did that what she did it on the radio when she was on birmingham radio when she was doing she she let the santa claus Oh God, no. Cat out of the bag on drive time at home when everybody was driving their kids home. Oh, she got in so much trouble.

Yeah, it's a big one. Yeah, it was a big one. It was a big one. It was a big. Oh, God. It didn't go down very well. Oh, I can imagine. Oh, like a lead balloon. Oh, squeaky bum.

So, yeah, poor Joe, didn't get a laptop. Oh, Joe, that is brilliant. You've got one for me to read. All right, here we go. Judith. Hello, Judith. Thank you very much for your lovely eating. email. Years ago, my mum kept saying she wanted a TV for the bedroom. Dropping obvious hints and being

very clear, Christmas Day comes around and my dad brings out my mum's final Christmas present. It's in a sizeful box. So she's thinking, here's my TV. She opens it up. Excitement all over her face. Only to discover, stop it. That dad had bought her a new set of hub caps for her car. It's a story we still tell 30 to 40 years later. I bet you he hasn't got that wrong since. No. Can you imagine? I hope like your dad that he rushed out in the Boxing Day sales to get that TV. Because he wouldn't be getting much else otherwise.

I just got a TV in my bedroom for my birthday this summer. I'm really tempted. Oh, it's the best thing I've ever done. Okay, so Rachel got in touch to tell us a few stories about her grandmother's present buying skills. Okay, so when we were out the other night at the charity thing. Oh yeah. You said to me, there's one about a grandma, and it's brilliant. So I've been really looking forward to this.

Okay, so here we go. One year, my grandmother wrapped me up a little box, which when I shook it, excuse me. You keep providing sound effects as well. I don't know what happened though. It's a little froggy with you. Don't worry, it's fine, it works.

You shook the box. It was going, oh. So when I shook it, it sounded like a necklace or a beautiful bracelet. Turns out it's a packet of Tic Tacs was. Imagine, sorry. But not even like... A box of Tick-Tax in a box. I love this grandma.

But like not even Ferreira Roche. No. Like Tic-Tac. A tiny, like a Tic-Tac box. Honestly, right. Granny doesn't end there. Granny's got form. Another year she wrapped me up a packet of marigold.

Once I took her to a Christmas Carol concert where there was a raffle, she won. And I went up to collect her prize for her, which was a chocolate fondu set. And guess what was under the tree for me? a couple of weeks later, a chocolate fonducet. Grannies are the best. Monies are the best for that.

You know, when you, you know, I don't know, because my grandma, God bless her, was very sweet, but did have kind of an obsession with people's weight. Right. And so you know how granny's can just, it's almost like they've just gone, fuck it. Yeah.

Fuck it. I just say and do whatever I like, TikTok's Christmas present. Yeah. My granny turned up once, I came back surprised her. from Portugal for a diamond wedding anniversary or something I can't remember it was a big one

and turned up and she went oh it's so lovely to see you she said haven't you got a bum on you and I thought I'll just bite my tongue a little bit you know it's her day so I said well it's nice to you too I'm going to go sit down and have some food take another chair she said in case you need two

I mean I had to dig deep that's not all when my mum Oh my God Just after having me Had lost She'd put on some weight Obviously pregnant

You're allowed to That's what happens She'd lost a bit She'd lost maybe a couple of stones And she turned up And my grandma said I thought you said you'd lost some weight Oh my God

And mum said well I have I've lost two stones She went Must be that jumper That makes you look fat then Oh my god Is this on your dad's side Or your mum side?

Oh thank God it's her own mother then I know right But Jesus God What your mum must have grown up with I know Weight Watchers was a standard in our house. Anyway, so yeah, that, I love that, Grandma. Oh, I've got

an anonymous one here. Here we go. Right. Anonymous also got in touch about a present that have very, in capital's cat has written, creative husband gave her. It says my ex-husband,

I think we're all going to understand why he's an ex after this, bought me a selection of... I know. I know. bought me a selection of household implements. An unboxed Henry Hoover. I'm sensing eBay here. I'm thinking...

An unboxed. I'm sensing car boot sale. Yeah, okay. A washing up bottle, two toilet brushes, and a dustpan and brush. He was so proud and so pleased with himself, though, because he'd wrapped it and constructed them all together,

so it looked like a snail. you just imagine it wheeling out this snail only to be like do you think the toilet brushes are like the antennae yes that's exactly what they were and I think the Henry was the body and then I think maybe he used the Henry

what's that bit called does it have a name? I don't know for those of you who aren't watching I'm mimicking holding a hootting a hoover pipe yeah anyway I think he'd use that maybe as like the neck right I don't know he went to more effort wrapping it than he did yeah I'd rather have had an actual snail I think I mean I'd rather he'd give me an actual snail a hoovering snail would be good though I mean that would be way

do you know what I mean like a snail that goes around your house and just hoops really slowly yeah yeah that works with my pace I'm good with that you're happy I'm good with that um okay I think you've got another little one under there. Okay, from another listener, we've got a worst present. No. Stop. Yeah. That is not even a thing.

We haven't said it yet. Sorry. You've got to share it. I forget. We're on a podcast, don't we? Someone has sent in that the worst present they ever got was a belly button cleanser. Cleaner. Is that like, yeah, but is that?

I think that's maybe an implement that you can get in there with. Hang on though. Have you ever got something to ask it? Oh, God. No, I don't get fluff. Am I the only one? Oh. Who when you stick your finger...

Go on. Thank I'm giving you fair warning on what I'm about to say. Am I the only woman or man? I don't know, maybe it happens to men too. Who when you stick your finger deep enough into your belly button. Yeah. You feel it in your vagina. Let's find out.

Let's find out. Oh, she's going to do it. Really far in. I haven't done this for a really long time because I remember it making me feel sick. Okay, you have to go quite. far in. Oh God. Did you? It's like a shooting thing. Yes, did you? Did you really? You just are you just? I don't know if I like it or not I might like it a bit. Well while you figure that out. Okay. Tank what happens when you go inside yours? Tink tank. Come on tank. It's Christmas

death. Come on. It's pretty weird but I don't think you don't feel it in your vagina. I'm joking. Obviously not. Well anyway, let me know if anybody else, if you you dig deep enough into your belly button do you find it do you feel it in your vagina no wonder no wonder jimmy's a lucky man gave it to her as a present at christmas maybe that's the reason yeah okay so the worst christmas presents of all i think this one is um is a is probably one of my favour okay okay so uh helen says i've been with my husband for 33 years but when we were younger we just bought our first house and didn't have very much money for christmas we agreed to only spend 15 pounds on each other as this wasn't a lot i thought long and hard about what

to get him. We lived in Northumberland at the time and he's a Geordie. So I decided on the Viz annual. Lots of content, very funny, along with the VHS video of a comedian he loved. Nice. It was 1993, so three DVDs. For my gift, he bought me, wait for him. A beaver weasel with batteries. Now at 23 years old, she was 23 years old. In the prime of her life, she was quite excited about beaver weasel. Is this something that goes in your vagina? Well, she felt quite excited when she read the box wondering what kind of intimate pleasures were coming her way. Yeah. Chans out though.

I'm sorry. I know what's coming. It turns out that Beaver Weasel is in fact a battery operated cat toy that moves across the floor and it's only thought I'd enjoy watching the cat play with it. Hang on, it doesn't end there. Susappointed doesn't even come close. Anyway, she managed to hide it. Was that 15 pounds worth of, like, beaver whistle.

Beaver weasel. I thought it was a beaver whistle. No, she's not blowing it. I thought you put up your vagina and, like, you could play it. I think that's what she thought, and you could play it. I thought you, quefed into it. Oh my God, we don't use the word quefe enough. We should definitely, I thought you were going to say we couldn't use it.

I thought it was going to be like spirit animal. I was going to get as counsel for queafing. We literally just said cunt 700 times. I think quefe is fine. Anyway, so she thought, I'm not going to let it ruin Christmas Day. Absolutely not. Certainly not the cats.

She then popped over to her mums to open her presents from her. And in her wisdom, her mum had decided to help her address, I'll tell you what, I'll read it properly, I'll tell you. We then popped over to my mums and opened our presents from her. In her wisdom, she decided to help me address my recent weight game and bought me, this is bearing of mind, and she's just got a beaver weasel.

The woman is temperamental. And bought me, Trinie and Susanna's What Not to Wear Book for Fat People. Specifically. I thought your grandma was bad, but that's why. Oh no. Along with Rosemary Connolly's the Inch Loss Plan VHS with the accompanying book.

At that point, too much for me and I spent the rest of the day in tears. I don't blame you darling. Oh my God, I want to give you a cuddle. Okay. I want you to read this one. I want you to know that Emma hasn't had, um, you haven't pre-read any of these. None of these, none of these at all. I'm enjoying with you. Right. Okay, here we go. I'm going to have to have some more. Where am I? I'm going to time it now. Yeah. And not at the punchline. All right. Okay. Here we go. So, this is from Philippa. Um, moving on to down right, hilarious, awkward. embarrassing festival tales of fuckery.

Nice. It's a nice alliteration in there. I'm supposed to say festive tales of fuckery, to be honest. My typing wasn't great. Oh, okay. Okay, Phillip says the day after Boxing Day a few years ago was at a family Christmas party, and I met my cousin's partner for the first time.

It soon became clear we had nothing in common, so I reverted to Smalltalk, asking him how his Christmas had been. He replied by saying it hadn't been great because his mum was in hospital. I said that I was sorry to hear that and he told me it was okay because somehow she'd ended up in hospital

for Christmas for the last three years sorry I'm sorry I don't know why I'm laughing sorry because she was already out of hospital because she was already out of hospital because she was already out of hospital remember it's December 27th I didn't think it was anything too serious

so just to get out of a slightly awkward and quite boring conversation, I thought I'd make light of it with a joke. Sounds like she's faking an ingrown hell every year to get out of the washing up. His response. It's a rickland. I've got to stop floating. His response.

I don't think so. She's gone. no legs oh my god I'm so sad I've lost my place I've all the feet she's got no legs

like Captain Dan you've got no legs that is brilliant you imagine that's like that's far away you're getting the wrong name oh my god it's giving me faceache this episode this is brilliant thank you everyone So, okay, this is, finally, Debbie, this is the last one I've got.

Okay, my brother is, I was still laughing about the legless woman. Oh, it's just like, I think I felt like, I felt that hard because it's something I would definitely do. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Are you cheered up now, haven't you? Oh, back of this, game changer helped as well. Okay, finally, from Debbie, my brother is five years older than me, and every Christmas we'd have a competition about who was going to get up first on Christmas Day. I clearly wasn't as invested in this game as he was

because when I was about five or six I woke up one Christmas morning and could only lift my head off the pillow. The bed clothes were covering me but the rest of my body was paralysed. Terrified, I shouted to my parents who came racing up the stairs and stood looking perplexed

and worried in the doorway. My brother stood behind them smirking. It turned out that in the middle of the night he'd snuck into my room, pulled back the covers, tied me to the bed with some old rope he'd found in the shed, replace the covers and gone back to sleep. Shitting hell.

I never really forgiven him. That's like straight out of misery Christmas tales, isn't it? Oh my God. Can you imagine? She did say, I think she's now in her 50s or 60s, which actually, when you think about it, so we're talking maybe like 45, 50 years ago. Yeah.

When you think about it like that, it starts to sound a bit Enid Blyton. Do you know what I mean? It starts to sound less even king and more Edid Blyton. So true. Just japes. So just james.

Just james. And we were home in time for tea. Yeah. And marmalade sandwiches. So yes, they were our Christmas stories. I would love it though, if anybody listening. Because obviously we're on Christmas Day now. Yes.

So there must be some new Christmas stories, fresh, hot off the press. Oh, my God. So if you've got any Christmas stories that happened today. That you think can top those. We want to hear them. We definitely do. We want to hear them. You can send them in,

via email at you're never the only one at gmail.com or leave us a voice note on 0757402704. Now, just before we go, I've got a little Christmas special yes or no for you. Just for me? Just for you. Well, there you go. You did get me a present. I love stuff like this. It's fine. It's fine. She's like a little fucking Labrador. He's like, that's great. That's my present. No, I'm going to get your proper present, but are you ready?

Basically, it's yes or no, but it's also a bit this or that because I ran out of questions. Okay, you're ready. Okay, I'm ready. So I'm going to say something, you have to say yes or no. Okay. Or if I give you two options, you have to choose an option. All right, okay. It's complicated, I understand.

Oh, God, don't make it complicated. Mint pies? Yes. Oh, sorry. Sorry, that is that where it ends and I say yes or no? Yeah. Oh, well, I like the pastry. do you eat them or do you not eat them

I do eat them but I eat them because I feel like I should so yeah I don't like the fact that I'm eating something that's been sat in a jar for two years fermenting oh no I like I go and you get the nice fresh ones you know no but the mince meat is like old yeah it's old that's true

okay homemade presents oh my kids I love it when they make you know yes yes yes alright what about homemade presents from grown-ups absolutely fucking not great Cheat skate. We are now friends again. Separate kids table for Christmas dinner. No. Secondhand presents. Like what? Well like okay let's do different. Okay. Vinted. Yeah. Charity shop. Same thing. Out of their own wardrobe. No. Matching jammies. I have limits. Did you say fucking matching jammies? Go fuck yourself. I swear to God. People that buy pajamas just for

Christmas, right? That's just, that's a dick move. Don't do it. Because also like, you know, just have the same ones. You know, keep them. My kids are sitting in pajamas from when they were like four and, you know, like 12. And they're like halfway up their legs. You know, they went from being like long to short. Yeah, they're fine. Fine. As long as they fit around the waist. And also while I'm at it, don't be a dick and buy Christmas pajamas as a Christmas present. When you open them on Christmas day, it's like, that's done. It's done. I'll be honest. It's a bit late now. A bit late now. A bit late now. And you barely got them in stale. Well, it's Christmas Day already to people.

So if anybody gave anybody Christmas jammies, Emma disapproves. Yeah, sorry. And if you're currently wearing matching jammies, Emma disapproves. Sorry. It's just not my thing. No, it's not, clearly.

Hallmark movies. Is that just a generalisation or the actual hallmark ones? Well, you know, it's a generalisation. It's the one where the girl is working in the city and she's left her family small home, And then she goes back for Christmas, she falls in love with a-list. With A-list is in or the really crappy B.

No, the really crappy B-list. No. No. Oh my God, they're my favourite. No, are they? You watch some shit TV, though. I learnt that this week. Why?

What did I watch? Well, we were sat at a table with, like, loads of people from, like, programmes that I haven't watched. I think that sounds more like a you problem than the me problem, Emma. To be honest. I just feel like... And by the way, she was from Married at First Sight. I mean, I haven't seen it, but it's just...

amazing and Jay I love you. Oh no they were lovely. Oh but it's just the TV programs that people put them on. You should have a word. Um is diehard a Christmas movie? No. Tank. Tank. Thank you tank. What? It's wrong with you both. Is diehard not a Christmas movie? Honestly I'm not getting into this. Next. Okay. We're going to get into this afterward. Um, uh, decorations. in January? I mean, mine is still up because I can't be asked to take them down again

because I put them up late. But yes, yes, yes. Actually, yes, I like seeing lights still in January. Yes, yes, strong yes, hard yes. Send a Christmas list or surprise me? Surprise me. Oh, no, I hate a surprise. I know this about you.

I write stuff down during the year that I've heard that people like the thought, the fact that you haven't got to tell someone what you want. I would rather you not buy me a present But I'd rather you not buy me a present Then ask me what I want Okay, great It's okay, you've already done that

No, I got your present Look, it was a quiz Talking of quizzes My Christmas quiz will be at I was about to say I'm surprised you're not charging me for it I bought it off for I think the last two years Those of you don't know

I do a Christmas quiz every year It's downloadable It's really good And it really made my New Year's Eve When I got it from you And I got to be quiz master And I loved it It is good

You do need a quiz master I don't know how much it is I haven't done it I do I always do it in beginning of December because then I think might just get me through my tax bill Time for the Christmas quiz

Every time the accountant gets in touch Fuck I better do a quiz Right Christmas sex Oh Christmas day sex They're having sex on Christmas day I don't know I'm asking

I mean I'm not having sex in any days I hope I will be today While you're listening to this I hope I will have had sex Because I won't be doing Morning sex? Never. Oh, I'm such a morning sex person.

I don't like night-time sex, but then, because I'm asleep. No, I want to go sleepy bye-bye. I know you do. But I said, we're getting close to your bedtime now, aren't we? We are, actually, it's a bit late for me. It is a bit late. If you notice my energy, it's good. I know, you're like, if somebody put 50p in you, didn't they?

I know, I know, because we normally actually record this about midday, where I'm just starting to kind of... She comes in and she's normally stuffing her face with, like, nuts and eggs, as if, like, she needs some sort of fuel. and like slowly you sort of see her like chug into action and I've got two hours two hours from Sussex I do to get here and today I've come in I'm like now I want to go out I'm going to I don't mind doing a little I'm going to call Val you know my mom's 86 or a friend she goes three times a week I bet she's out tonight she's missing Bertie so topics for next week oh we've done the quiz we've done the quiz I because next week is going to be New Year's Day or New Year's

Eva Kahnman, Newsday, I think. Yeah. So I'm going to do, you're never the only one who has an embarrassing sex story and I have got an embarrassing sex story. So I'm just keeping it light. Oh, okay.

Well, let me look at my selection then. Oh, I know. Oh, I'm just look at you. I have to bed there. I don't know who you are. You're never the only one who has time blindness. Yeah, I have that. Oh, my God.

I said to Jimmy actually while I was getting ready today, I was like, I need you to keep reminding me to keep moving. I do not have time to fuck around. So every time... He's like a kind of cattle stick. Yes. Because I sat down and I was like, oh, I think I'll play today New York Times Sudoku today.

Jimmy's like, you don't have time to fuck around. I was like, I've got age. You've not got ages. Like he has to tell me. Yeah, I've had one of them. So bad. Oh, and you know when you really lose... I tell you where I lose most of my time.

Yeah. You get out of the shower and you lie down on your bed in the towel. That's it. Oh, yeah. Oh, I'm there for two. hours yeah i mean wherever i'm going that has required a shower as you know i'm not a big shower must be a special occasion well it's over by the time i've got off the bed uh so yeah so that's it um get in touch with anything to do with embarrassing sex stories time blindness or any fresh hot

off the press christmas fails stories of hilarity um at you're never the only one at gmail dot com that's Y-O-U-R-E, in case your grammar isn't great. Or you can drop us a WhatsApp, voice note, or DM at 0-7457-407.404. And with that, we wish you a Merry Christmas. We wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Look, there we go. Look at your face. My gosh, she's so happy.

All right, let's go. that you've got to live. Everybody love. You're never the only one. You're never the only one. Don't live inside your strength because everybody makes mistakes. Don't judge me.

I'm a weakness. Don't judge me on my floor. Because no one's really perfect by the grace of God goes home Everybody knows You're never the only one You're never the only one Don't live inside the shame Because everybody makes mistakes

Taking the time to make sure everything's okay Picking up like to everyone else each and every day When I feel there's nothing left for you to spend on you You're allowed to be happy to Never the only one of all. Never the only one. Don't live inside a shame because everybody makes mistakes.

Oh. You're never the only one. you're never on you're home and live inside your shame because everybody makes me stay Thank you.