You're Never The Only One - We Listen + We Don't Judge...You're Never The Only One

Episode Date: February 12, 2025

Welcome to the last episode in Season 2 ofYou're Never The Only One. We are gutted to be bringing it to a close but we want to come back bigger and better for Season 3.As it's the last episode we wanted to make YOU guys the main event so we are sharing your biggest and baddest confessions and, in the style of the social media trend,we listen and we don't judge (much).From collecting dandruff and stashing it at work, to cutting up poos with a knife, you have laid your grubby souls bare and we are so grateful for it.While we may not be posting a weekly episode, we will be bringing you lots of instagram lives, MiniPods and maybe (maybe)some live events while we prep for Season 3.As ever, we'd love to hear from you. If you've got anything to say about the final episode (or any episode), or if you've got a story that you think we will love, then please send it to us via the usual channels.Email:[e-mail]/Message: 07457 402704Follow You’re Never The Only One on⁠⁠Instagram⁠⁠ and⁠⁠TikTok⁠⁠.CreditsYou’re Never The Only One is created by Cat Sims. It is written and presented by Cat Sims and Emma Nicolet. Producers are Hannah Twigg & Anna Dixon at YMU London and Katie Ray at Radient Management. The podcast is recorded at Outset Studios in London and edited by the team at YMU. Theme music is written and performed especially for You’re Never The Only One by Hot Salad.

Welcome. It's so lovely to have you as we leave you with our final episode of the season of You Are Never the Only One. Last one. We have shot our loads. Our balls are empty. But we've got just enough left in the testicles of podcast land to bring you some goodness. And my goodness, is it going to be good? I've got a final roast. Go on. I'm joined by Emma. She went on a holiday to Dubai recently. She had a lovely time. But she caused a bit of a ruckus on the beach when she was floating. on her back in the sea because the lifeguards thought her nose was a shark's fin.

Listen, I've spent all season avoiding the nose. But then you came in for the jaw and the knees. Oh, really? You came in for the jaw and the knees so I was like, I'm going in. Okay, all right. And yesterday you literally said to me,

I went, yeah, somebody came at me in my DM's about my nose and you went, I would never do that. I would never. No, I said I'd avoided doing that because I thought it was a bit of, but then you went in for the jaw. Just to make you feel even better

about yourself and as a person, I decided as it was the finale I wasn't going to do a rose I was going to do a really heartfelt thank you to you to saying thank you for inviting me to co-host your podcast with you and how amazing it's been

and what privilege it's been to work with you and how much joy it's brought to me to my life how it's changed like how I feel about the future and you're a cunt you're a bit thick now you're a cunt

You're never the only one You're never the only one I know you're never the only one I know you do and I'm also incredibly grateful and I was talking it was just having brunch with my friend in Shoreditch House Nice. Fucking hate, Shoreditch. I hate Soho House.

Does it hit the Soho House group you hate? I just hate the pretension of it all. I hate the people in there. Okay, one sponsor, tick. Yeah, I never get a sponsor. You're joking. I hate the people in there. I hate the fact you can't take a photo.

I hate the fact that you're not allowed to use your laptop. I hate the fact to six o'clock. You're not allowed to use your laptop in there now? No, you can have only on certain set of tables. Right. And you have to stop at six and you're not allowed to take a phone call or be on a Zoom call. Right. So I used to be a member.

end I was coming home after a day in Soho House raiding and Jimmy's like you're spending an awful lot of money a month to just go and get really fucking angry. Yeah. Because I would have to be on a Zoom call and mine was White City House in West London and I have to leave Soho House

to go and sit in Riding House cafe next door so I could take a fucking Zoom call and then go back and I'm paying 200 and whatever quid a month to be there. Well they should have a Zoom call area now so many people are working from home. They just don't want people to work there. So what do they want I just want people to drink and have fun and just be hipsters.

Just fucking be super cool and better than everybody else. Do you follow Soha House memes on Instagram? No, but I'm immediately after this. Anyway, going back to what I was saying, I was going to Sarah's, and she was, we're talking about the podcast. And she was like, how is it with you and Emma? I said, you know what? I knew from the moment I met Emma that we were going to do something together.

And I didn't know what it would look like. But I remember standing outside a bar in Kings Cross, shit face smoking with you. chatting about all sorts of things and I remember thinking at the time we're going to do something I'm not sure what it is and here we are

maybe what is it six years five six years later and I was when it came to choosing a co-host honestly you know there were probably other people that people would have thought I might have gone to first

but I was like no absolutely not I know exactly who is going to be the right person for this and here we are you and your big nose are you crying oh stop I yeah sorry

I'm so emotional at the moment Oh, no, I gave a guy on the train 20 quid Because he was playing Can I have 20 quack? No, well, I found it in an old like oyster card Oh, so you were like easy come, easy come. I was like, and then he started, and he was there And he wasn't asking for me and I just heard this music

And they were playing like Molly Malone, the song that like My daughter's named after. And then, and I can announce it now, they started playing the Beatles straight after And my daughter, my sister's just named her son Ringo Because the Beatles were a big part of our life And I was like, it's a sign and I kind of followed him up the thing and I went, this came to me today and I think it was meant for you

and I just gave it to him and then I was just like and I was just being very emotional and then hearing that I just remember it was I thought about it this Christmas it was the December before I got this text from you going hey look I'm doing I'm going to do a second season of my podcast

but I don't want to do it alone and I want a co-host and I just I remember being in the loo and looking at it and going she sent this to the wrong person why is she sent this to me Why does she want me? Like, I knew, listen.

And I was feeling so shit about where I was at that time in my career and Instagram and everything like that. And, you know, for anyone that's listening at this point, you know, we're not getting paid. We're funding this ourselves. But for me, it is the best thing I spent my money on, you know, this year. I can't think of anything. It's given me so much joy. And I am so, like I said at the beginning, I'm genuinely so grateful because it's made me feel alive again. It has.

there's a lot of things that I'm not very good at but one of the things I'm really fucking good at is just intuition and chemistry like I fucking know when I meet somebody right off the bat I'm like yes this is a person that I want to have in my life and that was also part of it wasn't just that I was like oh she used to be on the radio she'll be good that was part of it

but it was also it's the right energy and it's the right person I want more of Emma in my life I was at a point where I'm cutting the wheat from the chaff in terms of friends. You know, I'm sober and there's a lot of friends that have fallen by the fucking wayside. That's fine.

There's no hard feelings, but I'm now very, very fucking clear on who I want in and out. And I'm not saying you should be grateful. Should be a little bit grateful. I'm joking. But it was very clear to me from the moment I met you

that I wanted you in my life. And I don't think it matters about how much time you know each other. It's just about the vibe. Okay, the eight-year-old the boarding school's getting very emotional right now. I told Anna, my friend Anna, Motherpucker, Clang. That's quite cool when you become a name drop, isn't it?

When you're that well-known. Yeah. Anyway, I was telling her this story, and she cried. Admittedly, she's got a newborn baby, so that probably was part of it. But I was coming off the tube at Liverpool Street Station this morning, and I fucking, listen, I hate East London. I've said it before, I'll say it again.

It's fine. If you like it, great, no judgment, but it's not for me. and I got off and it's a fucking bunch of wankas everywhere do you know what I mean like just if you put as much time and energy into looking where you were going as you do into your fucking white socks and wide cropped jeans

and your bloody Isn't that what Jimmy wears? Yes Don't think I don't give him shit for it as well is really East London It's so East London Yeah anyway As I was walking along

The girl in friends of me stopped abruptly Came back stood on my toe the girl in front of her did the same thing. The girl in front of me got fucking furious with the girl in front of her.

She's like, fucking watch where you're going this is like, and I was like fucking East London. Anyway, we walked on and the girl in front of me who'd lost her shit

I suddenly saw her stop and look around and she found the girl that she'd screamed at and she went up to me and she said I'm really I have to say I'm so sorry it was a terrible way to behave

and I shouldn't have said that and I shouldn't have spoken to you like that. I was stressed and there's no excuse. but I'm really sorry and I don't want to ruin your day. Well, let me tell. I was like, I mean, and I've got a heart of stone. Yeah.

I don't cry at anything apart from when old men are sad, like in the wrestler, couldn't cope. Right. Mickey Rourke and the wrestler was too much of me. And I was so well, I was a bit welling up and I thought, you know what, how much better would the world be if we could all as quickly as that, own our shit and say sorry. because it may I hung around for a bit

and then it was like it's a bit weird so when I looked back they were having a hug oh my god and I was like this is everybody could just say that they were fucking sorry because we all do it

we all shout at people on customer service lines we all get cross with people you know we all that's normal what's not normal is when we don't own it and make it right

she made it right and I was like that is the energy I'm taking into today oh my God they would never know that that is now going on on that note she's probably so sorry for being a bitch to you when you came in late.

Who? Me? I was a bit of, I was moody. That's all right. I got that vibe on the phone. Yeah, I was moody then. And then I was moody when you were like, oh yeah, I looked at the script. I was like, oh, fuck's sake. But I'm over it now because you said nice things. Okay, so we're going to start off because this is the, we listen and we don't judge episode. We thought we'd do that for the last one because the wheel went down so well. Now, I noticed that you said you had loads of

more on your list. I had a couple more, but then I've, I've fallen this up. I've got one off. I've got one more that I'll share. Okay, I've got a lot. You're just a skanky bit. Well, I did the other one off the cuff. Sorry, we're listening, we don't judge.

I did the other one off the cuff. So, now that I've had time to think about it. Okay, yeah. God, you've got loads. So many. All right, all right. I'm a, oh, I'm disgusting. I am disgusting.

Right, seeing as I've got more than you, you go. You start with, we listen and we don't judge. Okay. Go on. When I'm having a sex session with Johnny? Your mum's delighted already. Emma's mum. You might want to turn the volume down.

I would suggest that you turn the volume down now. So after he's been down on me. I think I want to turn the volume down. Go on. And we're kissing. Thanks. You're not the only one. I know you're not the only one.

But it's a bit, this thing with smells, smells comes up a lot bodily parts smells bodily functions all of that comes up a lot and what I'm just getting is that there is something we love about the smell of our own smells but we don't really know why it's like we know they're gross yeah but we also love them this does feel very much like without going to say this is something that if I look back to even like 25 year old me I'd be like that is fucking disgusting I would have been like don't kiss me don't kiss me like you can do that but can you go and wash your face your mouth and it. But like our sex life has just got better and better Well it's like everything else though it's you get comfortable and you get to push more boundary, you get more secure

in it. Like bum though I don't like that smell. Have you ever had it up the bomb? I'm not having that discussion on... Look your mum still got the volume down if you turned it up to you. No, no. I've got that, I have got boundaries. All right, I've got one. It's really simple. Are we in the barth and swimming pools? In your own bar?

Yeah. We listen and we don't judge. We listen and we don't judge. Yeah, of course do. I mean, what am I saying? You don't even like showering. Why would, why would you? Are we in the shower too? Well, everyone. On the kids' toys.

I've got to be honest. Somebody else sent that in. But I do we in the shower. Who doesn't we in the shower? Yeah. You're in the shower? Do I be in the shower? Yeah.

Of course. Yeah. In the swimming pool? I aim for the plug though. Like the, what do you call it, the drain? Swimming pool? No. Yeah.

Yeah, of course you do. Genuinely, that's what chlorine is for. But I do get really scared, though, that they have those colour things. The purple things. My God, me too. I had that. It's obvious, it's a myth. I also depends on the size of the swimming pool.

Like, if it was a small pool, I wouldn't do it. If a big pool, it would kind of disper. No, it doesn't matter what size. But sometimes I might just, like, flap it as it comes out so that it's not, in case it's yellow, just to dilute it a bit. Dilute. So you get more of like a ripple effect. It mixes in.

You just got swim away as fast as possible. Never going to go purple. That is, I know, it's a lie. It's never going to go purple. It's a lie. It's a lie. Have you got any more? No, I wasn't going to sit and listen to you.

This isn't disgusting. This is really bad. Okay. This is bad behaviour. When we were teenagers, we would hire a wheelchair to go to theme parks so that we could skip the queues and go in all the exits. Are you fucking... We listen and we don't judge. Honestly, we were awful.

Oh, my God. I can't be the only one that's done that. Okay. If you've done that, I'd love to know. I've lied to TFL staff and home-sent staff and told them I was three months pregnant so I could use their loo when I was about to shit myself. The embarrassing thing about that is at TFL when I came out

he handed me a baby on board badge. Lies are good ones. I tell my husband some things are gifted and have been sent to me for free when actually they were really expensive and I bought them. Oh, I mean, we listen and we don't. Okay, when I'm on my period, I'm really sorry. When I'm on my period and I'm having a bar.

Yeah. Sometimes when I'm finished, I'll get up and I'll stand up. and I'll, like, push as much blood out as possible. Okay, we listen and we don't judge. I do the same except when I'm finishing the bath. Yeah. I suck it up. I suck the water inside of me.

Give yourself a douche. And then, it's like a mouthwash for the fanny. Yes. And then I kind of, and then really push it out. Yes. And then jump out the bath. Sometimes I catch them. You know, they're like the clotty bits.

And do what with them? I don't know. Play with them. Oh, my. They're bits like snot. Listen, we don't judge. Sometimes I use my teeth to get the dirt out from under my nails. We listen and we don't judge.

sometimes this is the one I've skipped have you ever had like almost like a sore little spot in your vulva And in growing hair? No, it's not a hair because it's not where the hairs are. It's like in, it's like on the, on the lay, it's like on the inside bit. It feels like a little spot and it can be a bit sore. It's just a spot. No. Sometimes I get those occasionally like maybe once a year.

Yeah. Nothing I love more. Yeah. When you squeeze those. Oh God. It is like nothing. It's like the pimple popper. Oh my God.

I would film it and put it on TikTok. If I, if it wasn't my vulva, it's that kind of spot. It is honestly the best. I don't actually think you're getting it. out of this, getting this all out. Yeah, I feel good. There's nothing left, is it? In the tank at all for you to like, I mean, that's...

I'm basically, I'm in confession. I'm in a confessional. You are my priest. Okay. Anything else while I'm here. Yeah. Oh, yes. Sometimes I love...

Oh, yes. I love picking my daughter's nose. You know when they're a baby? Yeah. And they get big bogeys. You have to get in there and just... Because they're a baby and you can't... They don't know how to blow their nose.

Didn't have one of those sucker things? Oh, so what... Okay, so there's so much to go into here. anyway I've never really grown out the habit and so if I see a massive boge at my kids' nose I will literally pin them down and put it and now we have like a safe word in our house for various things whether it's like if you're being tickled

and you don't want to be tickled anymore or if somebody's taking the piss and you're done or whatever we say lollipop stop so now I pin the kids down and you always fucking say lollipop stop and I have to let them pick their own nose you're like one of those like mama kind of like yeah I am very primeval

they do a lot of that kind of picking yeah and then once if I get if I get it yeah I'll feed it to the dog she likes them because I don't eat my own I only eat my own bogeys I don't eat my kids bogeys yeah nutritional content goes go to the hound the dog loves them hmm we listen and we don't judge listen we don't judge that's I mean I was judging I'm not quite sure how our listeners are going to top some of those let's move on to that shall we are you ready yes okay so we'll alter inate, shall we?

Okay, okay. So this is the first one. This is the longest one. Okay. This happened almost 20 years ago, and while I'd like to take it to my grave, it's just not been possible. I'd started seeing my boyfriend, now my husband, remarkable. After a few months, he invited me to meet his parents.

They lived quite far away, so we were going to stay for the weekend. I was obviously nervous and wanted to make a good impression, but I also have a reputation for not always thinking before speaking or acting. Anyway, we got to his parents' house. It was lovely. Everything was going well. until the morning after our first night there. After breakfast and coffee, I needed a poo.

Don't we all. So I made my way to the upstairs bathroom. Did a massive poo. But when I came to flush it, realized it wasn't going anywhere. I panicked. It was enormous and there was no way I could leave it there. So I did what any normal person would do

and went downstairs and asked my boyfriend's mum if I could borrow a knife. I don't understand her thought process. When that happens, I always get the loo brush and just shove it under the u-bend. Easy. She says, on reflection, I'm not sure how normal that is. Oh my God, if she's willing to do that with someone else's kitchen knife, God knows what?

What is she doing with her own? Anyway, as mum asked me what I needed the knife for him before I could second guess myself, I told her. No. No. She was stunned into silence, but remarkably handed me a knife. I took it upstairs, chopped up my poo, flushed it, washed it, washed the knife and put it in the dishwasher. there was definitely an atmosphere not an unkind one not an unkind one

but kind of bemused when we sat down for lunch later I noticed I didn't have a knife when I asked for one my boyfriend's mum said the only knife left was the one I'd cut my poo up with but I was more than welcome to use it if I wanted I declined

we listen and we don't judge I get weird about even putting anything that I use because we feed the dog raw food so I get weird about putting anything like that's touched the dogs even though it's human grade raw food I don't like putting any of the dog bowls anything like that in the dishwasher at the same time as I'm putting in my own knives and forth

oh no don't worry about that what but do you does the dog lick your face and your mouth and up your nose it's ridiculous I know okay your turn I couldn't do this I couldn't do this and not that I wouldn't do you're too busy sniffing them that's why I wouldn't do it but I would have to wash my hair afterwards. Sometimes, if I have no hairband, when I'm about to go in the shower, I use my dirty knickers as a makeshift scrunchy to tie my hair up. I think that's ingenious. They'd have to be dried from the day before if you get my jist. Oh, your knickers wet? Quite often. Is that a manipose thing or do you just wait? I've got a very hot vagina. It gets really hot. By the way,

we listen, we don't judge. Listen, we don't judge. I went to the Science Museum and they have this thing, like these heat sensor things. You sit down on this. you sit down and everybody sat down on this bench in front of it and it shows up it goes red in the patch remember like the global hypercality shirt so i never wore them because i was i've always been quite a sweaty person and they just used to go like different colors under my arm yeah to the pits i sat in front of this thing and all that happened is my vagina just went bright red and everyone sat there and i've got a picture on my own somewhere of just my vagina got a red hot vagina it's so hot i remember when we used to when i was at work at heart and i'd

stand talking to the producer and he's like, I can feel the heat coming off your vagina. That is not okay. Was it a male producer? Yeah. Yeah. Surprise, surprise. Okay. Number three, the menopause has meant that my bum hole gets really itchy and sweaty.

I scratch and sniff and I like it. And she wasn't only one. Someone else said, I spend most of the night scratching my menopausal gooch. Now it's not a symptom I've had, but we listen and we don't judge. Now I'm starting to think mine's getting a bit itchier. All right, your turn. Now this is something we need to discuss because this can. came in a lot. It's not groundbreaking, but it's interesting. Okay. I don't wash my hands after

using the bathroom unless I actually get something on my hands. Let's discuss. So many people wrote this in. So many people that I'm starting to think actually the people who wash their hands are in urban myth. In the minority? Not even the minority. I don't think they exist. Oh, I feel so bad if I don't wash my hands. I would say, funnily enough, I'm a grot bag, but I do, I never used to wash my hands unless a bit like that yeah since the pandemic yeah there's more of a habit for me to so I do wash my hands now also I'm sweatier in menopause so it's a sweaty hands but would you would would you would you do it even if it been in a public glue would you like swerve it no no depends if I'm in a rush I do generally wash not at home not at home very rarely at home well so you'd go from

the toilet having wiped your badge and go straight like into the kitchen and just cook something I know I'll always wash my hands before I cook. Okay. But yeah, I'll happily just pull up my pants and get on with my day. Get on with it. I mean, I use quite a lot of toilet rolls, don't you? Yeah. You're not sitting on my hands.

No. It's like, I was talking to someone last night about this. Like, and it was a man and he was saying how, in his house, because we're talking about. Men are different because they hold their penis. Well, Johnny doesn't, and he just stands there and comes out. He doesn't hold his penis, do we? He doesn't need to, it comes out so far. And sometimes, actually, he's quite a sitter downer.

Jimmy loves to sit down we. We were talking about this last night. I think this is important. And so, anyway, this guy was saying in his house, he gets really annoyed if people don't put the lid down. And I was like, oh, that's interesting for a man, like, kind of being annoyed about the not putting the seat down. He goes, no, not the seat. He goes, the lid. So after I've been to the toilet, I always put the seat down.

And you told me about that. And he closes it. Because when you flush the toilet, yes, all the feces, detritus comes out of the loo. And most of us have our toilets near the sink where our toothbrushes are. So it floats up into the air and goes straight onto your toothwise. But like shit in your mouth. If you like rimming, it doesn't really matter. No, you're not wrong.

But also, like, this is what I... I get really annoyed with these neat, clean freak people. Do you think that's a neat, free... Yeah, I think it's ridiculous. Because, all right, let's say it happens. It probably is. It's probably not wrong. Yeah.

Never in my entire 44 years, 43 years. Yes, 43 years. Of me flushing the toilet without the lid down and brushing my teeth, Have I ever got some sort of shit disease? Let it go, it's no what? Then again, if you're like scraping like the shit from under your nails out into your mouth. What do you do that?

Do you spit it out after you scrape it? Yeah, also I spit when I run. Do you? Yeah, like I do at Hokalugi. Oh, Lugie. I love a Hokalugi. I've been eating like a maniac recently and started trying to curb sugar cravings

with low sugar protein bars. It kind of works, but they give me really bad farts. The other day, my husband was working at home with a colleague, and they came in just after I dropped some stinkers. My husband immediately commented on the smell, asking if one of the kids had done a shit somewhere. I instantly panicked and threw both my kids under the bus and said, yes, I'd found a poo in the corner.

Oh, I found a poo in the corner. They're 12 and 21. Just curled one down in the corner. Confession time. I once mistimed my... I saw two words. And I thought, related to all the fuck, coffee. Missed time and coffee.

I mistimed my morning coffee, got stuck in bad traffic, he shat myself on the way to work. Luckily, I was in the car on my own. Not even my husband knows this. How do you manage? I've never shat myself. How do you manage that? What's the cleanup process?

We were outside and he just, you know what? He trusted a fart when he shouldn't have done. And the next thing, He just went to me, we've got to get, I need to get out of here. And I was like, he's like, it's shit running down my leg. Luckily, I had a friend that lived across the way. It's like, he was in India, like he lived in India for a long time. Did he?

We'd never talked about it. It's never mentioned it. Does he live in India? Every morning he drives to London at the same time that this podcast is released in the early hours he's driving. Wednesday? Every morning he drives and he listens to it and he comes back. He normally calls me and he goes, not coming off very well.

Can you say something nice about me, please? Well, you did say he's got a massive cock. Yeah, I mean, what more do you want? That's what you're getting, mate. I've been, so there's two, I've joined a few together here. I've been known to piss in a glass by my bed when I can't be asked to get a per go to the loo. But someone else says, I take a Tupperware to bed on purpose so that I can pee in it in the middle of the night. How big is the Tupperware, the back splash on that?

I know, but this is it. also like what happens if you're doing if you're peeing and you're suddenly like this is like a sea biscuit pee and it's not big enough and also are you taking tissue with that as well do you just get back in and dribble all over your sheets but you probably a dribble oh my god there's so much to up with that also what do you do like that is how big is your house as well but you but that's a strong relationship when a man can wake up next to a woman yeah who's got a Tupperware full of piss and and it's all called. You're assuming they're in a relationship. Basic. I mean, it's a bedpan, isn't it? Yeah. Amazing. I love it. We listen and we don't judge.

These are joyful. I love you lot. I just, it makes me realize more and more that these are our people, Kat. Oh, but yeah, I think we've all been hiding under this veneer of respectability. And I think we can shrug it off now and we can live our best fucking grot bag lives. Do it. Okay. These are great. it's the detail here that makes it for me I took a dump in my daughter's pepper pig potty because the bathroom was occupied and I was going to shit myself

kids again useful little beards aren't they she's probably squatting over it right it's quite low did she put it on a chair to make it a bit more of a or did she get down on the floor yeah also did I'd be worried

it was going to buckle out from underneath me oh yeah I see what you're saying you see what I'm saying because they're not you wouldn't be able to put your full weight on it. I'd love, I'm picturing now a kind of yogic kind of bend. Yeah. Maybe half knee squat. Yeah. You know. Oh, yeah. And the angle. You've got to make sure you've got to get it right, haven't you? Probably bracing herself on a doorframe. Yeah. When I'm in the shower and on my period, I stick my fingers up, my vaj, scoop out as much bloody tissue as possible. I truly believe

it's short and shark week. I am open to trying that to see if it does. I'm not against it. We listen and we don't judge. No. We listen and we don't judge. No. We listen and we listen and we. We take hints. Yes. We listen and we learn. We listen and we learn. Amazing. I get some gung under one of my big toenails and there's nothing more satisfying than scraping it.

It also smells. I'm sorry. Because it does, doesn't it? It also smells like parmesan cheese. And related to that, I pick my toe. It's the wording. It's the wording. Do you want me to say the words?

Yeah. I pick my toe jam. Do you need a minute? Go on. And smell it. It smells almost as good as the dead skin from my balls. I'm sorry, men get dead skin on their balls. Not me, he's not me.

Distancing himself, clearly and categorically from that. Skin on your ball. Flaky skin. Also, toe jam. Yeah. You need to wash more. Sorry, no, we listen. we don't judge.

We don't judge, but sometimes we limit mice on this occasion. True. Now this was weird but wonderful. Oh. My scalp has been flaky recently and I get a bit of dandra. Yeah. I take a pen cap. Yes.

And run it across my scalp to collect as much as I can. And then I feel, it's so fucking weird. And then I fill the cracks in my desk at the office with it. I'm trying to see how much I can get in that. I mean, it's just the fucking randomness of it. Yeah, I mean, you could also do that. Just, you know, if you wanted to, you know, I don't know, branch out a bit with some earwax. Talking of earwax.

I dig out my earwax and let my cat lick it off. He loves it. I tried it with a few. it feels a bit like he's violating him do you know what I mean this does this does feel like a violation on cats I dig I dig my ear wax out let my cat lick it off he loves it I've tried it with a few other cats too and so far it's a hundred percent hit rate you're definitely going to try it now yeah I might would you but somebody else's cat that feels a bit like oh my god do you know what I mean just sat there running

your mate's house and just go, here, go, here, kitty. While they're out, can I get you another drink? And they pop out to the kitchen, you're like that, digging it out. Yeah, pussy, pussy, pussy, pissy, busy, pusset. My ears are getting really waxing. Mine are leaking. I feel like my ears are, sometimes thinking, but they're wet. I feel like you should go see a doctor about that.

I did. They said there's nothing in. Brain fluid. That's what's fucking wrong with you. You're leaking brain fluid. That makes completely. Also, I love a cat's tongue. They're really like the roughness, aren't they?

The roughness of it. Moving swiftly on, we listen and we don't. We don't judge. Okay, I have This is a man I know this is a man Not that we're judging I have psorias

And sometimes itches like crazy Yeah Sometimes if nobody's looking I'll grab a knife From the utensil drawer And scratch my scabby back with it I usually wipe it on my leg And return it to the drawer

I also occasionally scratch my scalp and comb my hair with a fork and return it to the utensil drawer I'm never going to eat with anybody's utensils I'm going to start

taking my own knife and fork around with me. I love these. I really am not judging. I am in awe of your audacity. As somebody who said yesterday how like it bummed me out

about not cleaning a knife after just like, cutting bread. You imagine how I feel about that. Yeah, it's not good at that. But I listen and I don't judge. I hope you feel better for getting that out. I hope we've done you a service. I, oh, yeah.

Look at the face, I know. this it blew my mind i don't i can't relate to this i'm not judging but i don't think there's many i don't know i can forego every single kind of hygienic step except this one okay i've probably brushed my teeth less than 50 times in the last two years wow so if you think 365 days in the year you're brushing it twice so that 600 730 times every year so we're talking 40 1800 and nearly 1,500 times you should have brushed your teeth. And he's doing... We're assuming this is a man, are we?

Yeah. Are you assuming it's a man? I'd love to know how your teeth look. He definitely doesn't smoke. He or she definitely doesn't smoke. Right. Because I remember when I was smoking, I couldn't wait to get up and brush my teeth. Like, you know, it tastes like a badger's ass and it's furry.

It's not nice. I will admit that since I've given up smoking, there are mornings where I'm like, oh, I forgot to brush my teeth. Because the rankness isn't there. but I always I mean I'll brush my teeth three or four times a day really yeah if I get just like

if I eat something I've got a bit of a it doesn't have to be a nasty taste if I've got a taste in my mouth I'll just move quick so interesting don't like showering but you'll brush your teeth four times a day right I snot rock it into my sleeve

when I can't find a tissue or a napkin and then what and then what maybe just do that bit rub it in and then you're left with that kind of snail trail aren't you um okay

oh this is a good one The way this one's written made me You must have a lot of men following you This is one that came off a Reddit thread At night when my wife goes to sleep I roll on my side And pluck my ass hairs out Using my fingers

Some are easy And some require a good old yank It feels good though I let them fall Next to the side of the bed And then I smell my fingers Sometimes bad enough I have to get up and wipe

Sometimes it's tolerable enough I give them a few more enjoyable sniff And get back to work Until I feel sufficiently deplugged Sometimes in the middle of it I have to roll to the other side And switch hands Because my fingers

On the starter hand The starter hand Will cramp I think my wife would leave me If she found out The starter hand um sometimes yeah if i have to shit really bad but it's just not coming out i'll push my middle finger in my vaj and massage the thin wall so the poop will come out easier does that work yeah

like i push on it and stuff because there's just a thin layer of skin between your vagina and your ass tube so you can feel the log of shit there is nothing i want to do right now more as i'm listening to so i know this to be true because i have a bit of a it's called a recto acetylapse. Right. Very sexy. But basically what it means is that the muscles that separate your rectum and your vagina, which are, as she is correct, just divided by a very thin low skin, the muscles keep them separate. They get weak or they pull apart, whatever. And some of your colon comes into your vaginal area. Can you see it? Sometimes not often. Well, you can see it through your vaj. You can feel it. I can definitely feel

Yeah, and so sometimes, and it can make you a bit constipated because it puts, it's like a, it's like a, you know, like in a garden hose. Yeah. When you get like a kink in it and it stops, it's like that basically. Right. So you have to like push it back over. Shit, I've never been constipated in my entire life. Oh my God, I was so constipated at 14 years old. I was in hospital for two weeks.

What? I couldn't shit. I couldn't shit. For two weeks? Two weeks I was in hospital. Oh, my God. So do you do? the finger at the veg massage thing. Only occasionally

well it doesn't happen all the time but sometimes I can get to point where I need to push the colon on back where it belongs. It's like the idea of being able to put my finger up my yeah you can feel the shit log that's mad yeah it's great let's continue do you think people are still listening

I don't know I feel like it's a car crash like you can't look away yeah but we're gonna keep keep going I'm still quite not over the guy plucking out his ass head honestly the worst thing about that is they're leaving them on the floor by the side of the bear But he's willing, see, like, I could kind of get it if he was, like, placing him on a little tissue and then he'd go and take that blue. There's a man in the world who places anything on a little tissue. But he's willing to go and wash his hand.

And then also he'll be getting out of bed. And so his ass hairs are then going to stick to the bottom of his feet in the next day. All of that. Yeah. Never looking at those things the same again. That's why I always take my, like, my slippers with me. Yeah. I do too.

Okay. Right. Sorry, we listen. And we don't judge. Yeah. Much. Okay. Much.

You know how babies... Really? You know how babies learn things by putting everything in their mouths? That is also a 27-year-old me. Notice a white substance on my work ID. Put the ID in my mouth. Found out it was icing from the cupcake I ate the day before.

Yeah, if that had been my ID back in the day, it would not have been icing. The flaky stuff off my palm? glue. The stain on my sweater. Toothpaste. I don't even think about it anymore. It's so instinctual. I just usually hope for food. Imagine those stain. I'll just taste that.

Fuck that I mean. I get it though. There are times I think when I've gone that's toothpaste. Yeah. But I wouldn't do it. It's not going to be anything too dodgy. I'd need to know for sure that it wasn't like. I'm assuming it's when it's only on your person. You wouldn't see something on a towel and go a stain on a tube window

you wouldn't be like the raspberries tastes like raspberries it tastes like snares the shit stain tastes like shit stains my friend said to me last night don't worry about that

that mark on the you know those things around the bottom of the toilet you know the mat around the toilet she went it's not shit it's fake town I went okay Jimmy gets across with me for that I Dutch oven myself and I absolutely love it

I'm here for that. This one time, I cut up an entire bag of shallots and ate them all in a meal and my farts literally smelled exactly like raw shallots, not even a little bit like fart, and it was awesome. I just kept farting and inhaling over and over again. Who needs nitrous oxide when you've got your own farts? I love the idea of somebody grotly lying in bed, farting and sniffing, having the time of their fucking lives.

Have you ever kept a fart? Have you ever managed to catch one? No, but Jimmy and I play guess my fart. I love this game that you play. Please share it with the... So we play Guess My Fart and basically when you're about to do a fart, I'll say, Jimmy, guess my fart and he'll go, and then I'll fart and if the sound matches, then he wins.

Bingo. Sometimes it'll be like a... You know, and you just have to guess what it's going to be. Yeah. So much fun. That is definitely something I think we should all be playing. Yeah. Okay.

Sometimes when the skin on my... big toe is particularly callous I will bend down and chew it off with my mouth they go on sometimes I swallow yeah baby what I love about this is that she can reach her toes

with her mouth that is quite impressive do you reckon you can let me try I know my sister can because she used to chew her own toenails I think I know I think there was one I could

I only did it because I didn't want to put my shoe in my mouth You can do it. I need a new hit already, so I don't think I can do it all that one. Off mine. Everybody hates us right now. Can't do it, can't do it. Can't do it. Okay, fine.

You must be great in the bedroom with your flexibility. I want to get a chance. This is something I wish I talked about in the podcast. I think we need to have a discussion about ADHD and sex. Okay. Because I think we're not great at concentrate. Like, it's not that I'm not enjoying it, but I also do not want it to last three hours. No, and I was trying to explain this and we were out with friends the other week

and it's like, you know, when they go to you like, oh, I'm sorry, I'm going to come and I'm like, it's fine. No, please come. Like seriously, I don't need to be here for an hour. Yeah. Like 15 minutes will do. Be honest, quickly. I was done ages ago. Yeah. Or, because I always, sometimes after we've had sex, I'll go, we'll go for a vibrator and Jimmy will like do the nipples and the kiss and I'll do the vibrators. And that's, that's good. Nice. So I'm not worried, like, I don't, listen, The penis in the vagina thing. Yeah. Quicker, the better.

Yeah, I have to agree. And do you, listening at home, I think there's a lot of even going. But ADHD and sex. So I think there is an element of almost concentration stuff going on. It's like, like my brain wanders. I find it very hard to concentrate. Anything, and that includes sex. Oh, my God, that's true.

Also, there's a real feeling of self-worth in there as well. Yes. So I have always struggled. This is going off topic, but that's fine. I think we can do it. Yeah, we've got time. We don't, but that's fine. I've always struggled.

that feeling of self-worth like you know when they're this is why on occasion and i've spoken about this with jimmy before so i'm not dropping any bombs but back in the day i used to fake orgasms right because not because i was like being a bitch because i just was like it's taking too long i feel bad i'm gonna say it's done and then we can move on because there was that feeling of self-worth about like i don't really deserve all that attention and time yeah i'm a finely tuned machine it takes a while yeah but i used to feel bad about that so i'd fake it get it over and done with and that's very interesting to me yeah i think we should have talked about that i stick my finger in my belly button and sniff it it's oddly comforting and it makes you a fanny go funny unless you're a man

and it doesn't actually we've got another producer in here yeah we can do some more market research okay if you stick your finger was it maz that we asked there no it wasn't it's tank if you stick your finger in your belly button do you feel it in your balls he's doing it now i love the face do i love it i love how game he is push it in push it right and go in and comfortably you get any feeling between your legs at all because when girls do it we feel it in our vaginas we get like a shoo get a tink it's like it's joined weird okay can anybody give us a medical reason for that thank you whenever i pop pimples like whenever i blah blah la la la whenever i put pimples i roll the pass around in my finger and smell it's the worst smell the more satisfying it is.

Sometimes though, do you ever, you know when you wear earrings for a really, really, really, really, really long time and you take those out, they stink. Oh my God, so I do that with my belly button piercing. Have you still got belly button piercing? No, not anymore. I was about to say because it's not the 90s. No, every now and then I have to purge it. Yes, the stuff in there.

I've got a hole and I can purge the stuff out there and it's joyful. So satisfying. I forgot, I haven't done it for ages. And Johnny's got one of those holes as well. You know, you get those, I can't know what they're called. Does he let you go for it? And I have to fight him. He would need a safe word for that.

Because I will pin him down, literally, I will clamp him. I love squeezing spot. Yeah, I do. Anybody's. It's a thing I've done since I was going. My dad used to, like, get me to do my mum. Yeah. Now it's bad because now, and now Molly's into it as well.

But okay, we've got a few more. A couple more and then we're done. Okay, I've never washed my legs in my life. I remember Anna. Motherpuck are talking about this. Really? Very early. Maybe this is Anna.

Saying, in the shower, I don't think, I put the shower gel in my hand. Pits. Pits. Bits. Yeah. PTSD wash, pits, tits, lits and dicks. Yeah. And then no, under the knee, nothing happens.

I mean, it can. I'll do feet, but I don't wash your feet in the shower. Do you wash your feet in the shower? Yeah, I thought most people wash their feet. I mean, my feet. Of all the things that I'm going to wash, my feet probably. Really? Feet and Fanny.

Feet Fannie Pits. I've never thought. to do that. You don't wash your feet. No, because they're literally getting washed in the water and the floor of the shower. You put some soap between your toes? No. That's mad. Really? I'm going to stop there. I don't wash my legs though. If I'm going, well, if I'm going down there and I'm bending over,

I'm going to do my leg. No, I just do my feet. I know. I suppose, though, when I shave my legs, that's a really deep clean wash, isn't it? So I suppose there is that. It's like a spring clean, essentially. Twice a year. Your turn. Okay. I would do this Ask any horsey girl The stable of your horse is a safe place to pee

That makes total sense to me Makes total sense We listen, we're not judging No But again, I'm guessing you're not wiping That's why I love wearing period pants Because I can have a wild wee anywhere And just know

I love a period pan It's being soaked up You don't have to worry about anything Can I honestly I still get people When I mention about my wooka period pants Those wooker period pants We got in the goodie bag When we went for dinner

I think it was like two or three pairs Aren't they amazing? I know. They're the most comfortable pants. And I've had other pairs of Wooker that weren't as comfortable. These ones are like, I'm annoyed that I don't get to wear my period pants. Like when I had my coil fitted, I was like, extra day of wearing my period pants. So comfortable.

Wooker, we do love you. But genuinely love you. My sexist, awful, misogynistic father-in-law loves mackerel. I let the cat lick it before I give it to him. How good is that? That is amazing. I love that. And on that note, we listen and we don't judge.

Thank you so much for your contributions that was. Cracking. Listen, I'm so sorry though if you felt like you had to stop. You might have had to stop and take a breath. Do you know what I mean? Like pause, come back to it. It was a point where I found. But if you've made it this far, well done.

Between now and the next season, we will be doing tons and tons of content. We don't know what it's going to be, but it's going to be not podcasts. No. But we might be doing lives and Zoom. and we might get some little guests in on a Zoom to do some bit. There'll be bits. There'll be lots of lovely stuff to keep you occupied. We have set up subscriptions on Spotify.

It's $2.99 a month if you want to get some behind the paywall stuff. And I think we've proven ourselves. Like, I feel like we've proved ourselves that we're worth $2.99 a month. You're really good at this. Like, yeah, the self-worth thing. I couldn't ask people to pay. Listen, I would pay $2.99 a month to watch that reel. Would you?

We gave ourselves in that real. There's no coming back. There's no coming back. That is out there. It's on the internet. My kids are going to watch that when they're older. Oh my God. I haven't thought about that.

They're going to know that I don't wash my vagina. No, I wash my vagina. My vibrator. My vibrator. I wash my feet in my vagina. Don't always watch my vibrator. It's a lot. On that note, it's been wonderful.

It's been wonderful. I love you. Love you too. Thank you so much for listening. Thank you for contributing. Thank you for we didn't get around to it today. I'd hope to. the lovely emails and messages of people just telling me how they've laughed and in the gym out loud

and people have looked and gone who's that mad person or how they've had a bad day and listening to this has turned it around and how it's just, you know, made them feel normal and realized they are indeed never the only one. On that note, goodbye and we'll see you next season. Later, the things I say do, I'm always what I mean. ain't our sinners I'm somewhere in between this world is complicated everything moves so quick and lying to yourself

if you think that you've got to live everybody love and never the only one You're never the only one. Don't live inside your strength because everybody makes mistakes. Oh. Don't judge me I'm a weakness.

Don't judge me on my floor. Because no one's really perfect by the grace of God goes home. Everybody knows You're never the only one You're never the only one Don't live inside the shame Because everybody makes mistakes Oh

Taking the time to make sure everything's okay Picking up like to everyone else Each and every day When I feel like nothing left for you to spend on you, you're allowed to be happy too. You're never the only one. Oh, don't live inside a shame, because everybody makes mistakes. Oh. You're never the only one.

You're never the only one. Don't live inside your shame, because everybody makes mistakes. Oh.