You're Never The Only One - You're All Petty Bitches + Tories That I Hate

Episode Date: November 8, 2022

In this episode Cat recognises what an ungrateful so-and-so she is when she discusses how her and Jimmy transition when he gets back from touring. There was no way she wasn't going to chat about Matt Hancock heading into the jungle, Gavin Williamson and his annoying voice that he's been using to bully people and Elon Musk buying Twitter. She also shares all the petty stuff that you admitted to doing and discusses the purpose of pettiness and why it's a toxic trait for good people. Finally she lays bare her perfect parenting experiences this week and asks you guys to send in any stories about kids swearing for next week's episode!Follow Cat on Instagram and TikTok and head to her website to buy a signed copy of her book The First Time You Smiled (or was it just wind?)Buy The First Time You Smiled (or was it just wind?) Watch Cat's reel where she, literally deals with a shitshow.You're Never The Only One is written and hosted by Cat Sims, founder of Not So Smug Now, an online platform for people just trying to get through the day with some credit in the karma bank. The podcast is edited by Lucy Lucraft and executive producers are Bonnie Barry & Parami Kodikara.

The things I say do, I'm always what are me. I'm neither saying or sin, I'm somewhere in between. Hi and welcome to you are never the only one, hosted by me Kat Sims. Now, you may think you're special that your worries, fuck-ups and fun times are unique only to you,

that only you can get so many things wrong, so much of the time. Well, I'm here to prove to you every Monday morning that in the nicest possible way, you're not special or unique. You don't fuck up any more than the rest of us and that even though it doesn't always feel like it, you are in fact never the only one.

Welcome back to you're never the only one. We are now on episode six. There's only two more to go. this series. I hope you've all had a fantastic week. It's, I'm going to be honest, it's been a week of two halves for me. If you listen to the last episode, you'll know that it ended with me having to go and scoop a two week old shit out of my downstairs loo. I've been ignoring it because I knew I couldn't deal with it. As I predicted, it went badly, really badly. I managed not to actually puke, but if you want to see the drama, then the real is on my

Instagram at Not So Smug Now. I'll link it at Trigger Warning. There's lots of dry heaving. On the flip side, though, after two months of solo parenting, he was home for 10 days in the middle, but that doesn't really count. If you know, you know, I finally have him back home until February. I don't know if any of you have partners that work away a lot for long periods of time, but if you do, you'll know how you always get asked the same questions, and they're these. How do you do it and do you miss him? Now, until about a year ago, I would have said wine and no. Now my answer would be dairy milk, whole nut, marlborough gold and sort of. I know, I'm trying to give up smoking. I'm on day one today so, you know, forgive me

if I get a bit heated. The thing is, what I've discovered about being a pot is that you kind of get used to it. You know, it's like I'm two different people. I'm cat and Jimmy Cat and then I'm tall wife cat and honestly there's a lot of great things about being tall wife cat first of all I'm in charge I'm the boss I don't have to worry about what another adult wants to do I can watch all the TV I want I can live in a shit hole things run according to my schedule negotiations conversations planning those conversations aren't part of my life while he's away I'd have to factor in anyone else's plans wants needs and desires well at least no other adults wants needs and desires. That part of it is glorious. Of course, he doesn't take the children with him.

Rude. They are very clear and very loud when it comes to their wants, needs and desires. They also have a schedule that Kim Kardashian would find stressful. And engaging in negotiations, conversations and planning with them, it's so irrational that it makes Donald Trump sound like he's talking sense. But of course, when he's away, I can't do everything. And the things that I end up sacrificing are naturally the self-care stuff. So the long dog, walks, the gym, the early nights. Obviously I can't go to bed early because I'm up doing laundry and bags and cleaning the house and all of that stuff. And I don't have time for that self-care stuff when my husband isn't around to help me with pickups and drop-offs and errands and chores and all

of that stuff. It's kind of a mind-fuck really switching between co-parenting and solo parenting on a fairly regular basis. Obviously, I'm now delighted that he's home. But we are in this transition phase. And if anybody has husbands or partners who work away, you will know exactly what I'm talking about. We have to tread so carefully around each other. He's now entered into what is essentially my world and it takes us both a couple of days to adjust. Actually a week, if I'm being honest. So we're about 24 hours in and so far we don't want a divorce. But I have very expertly been collecting a few important resentments since he's got home that obviously I haven't said anything about, but I'll obviously just store up until they explode out of me in what could only

be described as a tantrum. So the fact that he's, I've just gone into the kitchen and open the cupboard door and found that he's put the biggest frying pan, just shoved it in without taking the extra 10 seconds to lift the smaller ones up, put the bigger one in and slot it underneath so that it all fits. He's already put the mugs back in the cupboard all wrong and his coat and bag have just been chucked on the kitchen table and I can't be sure but it looks like he's going to be leaving them there for a while of course you know thanks to a fuck ton of couples therapy I know that these resentments are just because I'm a control freak and I'm struggling to relinquish power over what I've come to feel is my kingdom so in the interest of fairness

I should probably say that you know he agreed to do a real with me after a 24 hour flight back from Perth Australia he picked up the kids he gave them dinner and he put them to bed he then gave me a lion this morning he brought me a coffee and took the kids to school And as I record this, he's cleaning out the fridge, freezer, and meal planning. And I've just walked in before I started recording. And he's baked a fucking cake. He's baked a fucking cake. And my exact response was, have you seriously just baked a fucking cake?

He's like, yeah. I'm like, baby, you can't come out of the gates too fast. You're going to have to, this is unsustainable. Anyway, he'll learn. But that's the kind of man he is. So anytime I bitch and moan about him, please know I'm being an absolute twat. I'm adjusting my attitude, and if you haven't already, then please check out the bonus podcast episode that Jimmy and I did all about how we brought our relationship back from the brink of divorce. It's well worth listening. I've had so many lovely responses to it, and you can catch it now.

It's there wherever you listen to your podcasts. But enough about me and my lack of gratitude. What have we got coming up in this week's episode? To be honest, you know what, I'm not entirely sure, but we're going to see how it goes. I'm definitely going to be delving into this week's top news stories and giving my take on them. We'll be talking about Matt Hancock going into the jungle and another despicable politician that's been accused of bullying this week. Yep, Gavin Williamson, I'm looking at you. There's lots to talk about.

Plus, we're also going to be delving into our pettier sides. I asked you to share your pettiest moments with me, and I wish I'd asked earlier, you're all petty bitches and it brought me so much joy. Pettiness is such an essential survival technique. I've realised this. We're all nice people but there are some people who frankly just deserve a punch in the face but you can't do that because you'll end up in prison. So pettiness allows you to write the wrongs of any kind of relationship in a non-illegal way. Pettiness might not be the prettiest aspect of our personality, but it definitely serves its purpose. After that, well, honestly, who knows, we'll see where we get to. So let's kick off with what's in the

news this week. Well, we cannot get away without chatting about Matt Hancock entering the jungle. I don't mean to be funny, I do mean to be funny, but you'd think he'd be more wary of a show that relies on hidden cameras considering his past experiences, right? But here he is. But here he is. valiantly battling on unrepentant in the face of acute public criticism. But it's not like he's not used to it, is it? This kind of criticism is nothing compared to the time he let us all watch her relatives die from a distance

while he was canoodling with a woman that wasn't his wife. I mean, I think Matt Hancock might be the only contestant that does a Bush Tucker trial, and we actually feel sorry for the spiders and rats. Like the spiders and rats are the ones that are like, oh, this is so creepy. I suppose that we can, can hope that he ends up winning no stars on all the bush took a trials that he's definitely

going to get voted for and they descend into some sort of lord of the flies type hysteria and sue cleaver and boy george are found like ripping him limb from limb in some sort of a live cannibal style survival technique like chewing on a mat hancock thigh bone is that too much I can't wait to see him read his letter from home as well, you know, while they're all sat around the campfire. Dear Matt, it's Martha, the mother of your kids, and the woman you cheated on during COVID. Just to say that the Australian jungle's not fucking far enough as far as we're concerned, hope you get bitten by a koala and contract chlamydia, and your penis falls off, and that they deep fat fry it and serve it to you as a bush took a trial.

I mean, in all seriousness, though, he's not the first serving MP to enter the jungle. Remember Nadine Dorris? Oh, God, she gives me the shivers. She went in in 2012 and lost the conservative whip after she took part because she hadn't informed them she was going in. Only members of parliament could agree to do a TV show that takes them away from their job without feeling the need to tell them, even though they're on the TV and everybody knows they're not at work. It's like me, well, I don't have a proper job, but it's like somebody with a proper job. Not calling them. up their boss and just not turning up for four weeks and heading off to, I don't know, Ibiza, taking loads of Instagram pictures and stories, posting it all over social media

and then getting confused when they get fired for doing that. Does that make sense? Anyway, the point is, Nadine Doris might have had the whip taken away from her when she went in, but she got it back less than a year later and was readmitted to the parliamentary party. So just in case you were worried that we'd seen the back of Matt Hancock in a political capacity. Don't worry. I have no doubt that he'll be back. In fact, and I shudder to say this, but I would not be surprised, genuinely, if this is all part of a Trump-style effort to make a bid for the leadership down the line. I mean, if reality TV worked for Trump, why shouldn't it work for Matt Hancock? I mean it shouldn't obviously

But it I mean Stranger fucking things have happened I don't know if you know But he's also done celebrity SAS That's going to be on our screens soon I think maybe after I'm a celebrity What is he thinking

Is this some sort of PR stunt To make us see that he's really brave A self-sacrificing team player Who'll do anything for his fellow humans Or is it some sort of deep Almost subconscious psychological need for self-flagellation to put himself in these really trying testing circumstances because on some level he knows full well the extent to what kind of a cunt he is and he feels like this

might be the way to make it better and I'm no Olivia Pope but but I don't think she'd approve this tactic you know I think if they presented this to Olivia and if you don't know the Olivia Pope reference then all I just hit the microphone sorry then all I can say is watch scandal immediately. Kerry Washington is brilliant. But Olivia Pope would definitely not agree with this tactic. She'd be there pouring herself a large glass of Chateau Nerf de Pap, kicking off her Manolo Blarnix and popping on, you know, a cashmere sweater so she can lounge in her lovely apartment. And she'd be saying, listen, the only thing that you need to do right now is stay in your constituency, sorry, West Suffolk, and do the job you're being paid to do. That's it. That's it. If you want to get all

reality about it, then take some pictures of you actually helping constituents out, listening to what they have to say. You know, just being there, actually. Post that on your Instagram. That might do your reputation more good than fanning around sniffing kangaroo penis in the Australian jungle. I'm just saying, listen, while we're on the subject of shit eating, come face stories, I'm really sorry, there's a lot of language, but I feel like sometimes only those words will do.

I want to be clear I'm not a Tory I don't vote Tory I never would vote Tory and I fundamentally disagree with politics but I do understand the nuance between hating the politics and hating the person and I try every time to separate the two right I can love somebody

and not like their politics like my dad so when I see politicians even though I don't necessarily agree with their politics or with what they're saying I do try and remind myself that they are also human beings of a kind I'm joking of course are human beings and they have people who love them

and they do do nice things for people and it may not be that they do them in the job for the people that can't do them for themselves. You know, the poor people or the immigrants or all the way, they might not care about them but there are some people that they do do nice things for. I'm sure, you know, I'm sure. And so I really try to separate the man from the message sometimes.

When it comes to Gavin Williamson though and Matt Hancock, I just, I can't. The problem is that all the Tories who are actually doing their job, whether or not we like their job or their politics. A lot of them are in their constituencies, listening to people, trying to get some information, trying to do some good as they see it and doing their job. We don't see those people though, because as I say, they're too busy doing their job. They're not fanning around on TV or lauding it on BBC breakfast or acting like a dickhead just to get in the daily mail. They're actually the ones doing things. Instead, every

day we get confronted with wankers like Matt Hancock and Gavin Williamson. And Gavin Williamson has been in the news this week. I never liked him anyway. That's not just, oh, I never liked him anyway. I never liked him anyway. I can't stand his voice. I'm going to put it out there. There's nothing rational about that. I just, I don't like it. He also, he has a touch of the Hancock smuggery about him. And as you know, I'm not a big fan of the smuggery, been there, tried that, didn't like it, didn't work out for me, ended up with severe post-naple depression. Highly wouldn't recommend. But any man who can't be bothered to check that he's not confusing two black football players, if you don't remember he confused Marcus Rashford with Maroio and then referred to it as a genuine mistake as if that makes it better,

as if like, well, you know, it's a genuine mistake. Anybody could do that. Or anybody could mistake two black football players. Well, it's like saying I genuinely couldn't be asked to make sure or I genuinely think they all look the same. I mean, that's essentially what he's saying. What a despicable human. And I've also learned in my research. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I do do research for this podcast. Hard to believe, but true. He's a fucking Yorkshireman. Now, I'm a Yorkshire last. You know how devastating this is. My mum threatened to take my Yorkshire membership off me when she saw me heat up a cup of tea in the micro wave. She said, that's not how we do it in Yorkshire, darling. If that tea's gone cold, you make yourself a fresh one. I'm like, listen, I'm a mum. By the time I've made myself a fresh one, I'm changing another nappy. I'm just going to put it in the micro wave. We're going to heat that up. It's going to to be fine don't tell Yorkshire they never need to know you know that was i was threatened with removal of my yorkshire membership for doing that and yet this wank is allowed to continue not just being a yorkshireman but being a politician after telling somebody and i'm going to give you a trigger warning here because it is suicidal language to go and slit their throat i mean how is that

allowed is there any job in the world other job in the world that would not fire you if you spoke to a colleague like that maybe there is i don't know i haven't had a proper job in 10 years 12 years nearly 13 years i'm absolutely dumbfounded surely that is uh red card stuff surely that's straight off don't pass go don't collect 200 pounds go home except of course of course of course of course of course of course of course I forgot he's a white man. And I'm going to hazard a guess that most of the complainants are women. So obviously that makes it okay. Now we're going to stick with the news for one more thing and I was going to try and make it a little bit lighter and a little bit more fun. But then Elon Musk bought Twitter. So settling, I'm on a rant. So Elon Musk bought Twitter this week

for 44 billion dollars. That's not a good investment. It's not a good investment. So he's basically done it for fun. Imagine being able to spend 44 billion dollars for fun, for literal shits and giggles. Well, and probably also to make sure that you can block anybody on Twitter, anybody on your platform that is being mean to you, you can just block them. I mean, it seems an expensive way of going about the problem when a far cheaper, in fact, freeway would to just stop being a dick on those platforms. But no, apparently, if you've got 44 million, sorry, billion pounds to spare, you can just buy the platform and then just kick off anybody who you don't like or who doesn't like you. That seems legit. Rumours are abound since he has taken over at Twitter and at a meta event earlier this week,

I was talking to a very senior Instagram guy. I'm not going to give out his name, but he reports directly to Adam Masseri, like friends with, goes over for dinner with. And he said that he'd heard across the social media, Silicon Valley Super Secrets Highway, that Musk had held a meeting with all the key figures, maybe even the board.

Anyway, important people at Twitter. And every time one of them spoke and he didn't like it, he just fired them on the spot. Which actually is something that Rishi Sue now, that could learn from in terms of Gavin Williamson, right? But I was like, is that even legal? Like, can you just fire people on the spot? And he was like, yeah, because apparently California is what they call an at-will state,

which means that both employer and employee can end a working relationship at any time without notice. So he can literally just walk around and fire anybody. He doesn't like, for no goddamn reason at all. That is bonkers. Anyway, so now Elon Musk is at the helm when it comes to Twitter and people. are not happy about it. I mean, I'm people. I'm not happy about it. I don't even have a Twitter account anymore. I hate Twitter and I hate the way that people interact on Twitter and I gave it up years ago because it was just too fucking triggering for me. People were mean and nasty and it was

a horrible, spiteful place and the funnies on there, which are brilliant, just didn't outweigh the meanness. So I gave up Twitter a long time ago and I hate the place. Even I don't hate it enough to give it to Elon Musk. And imagine, instead of spending 44 billion pounds on Twitter, imagine if he'd put that towards, I don't know, like subsidising the American healthcare system for all, or solving world hunger or climate change, you know? I mean, some people are like, well, he's sort of done his bit for climate change with the old Tesla, the old electric car. well I mean they are electric but I wouldn't say that that is him doing his bit for the environment especially if you happen to be poor and living in Chile or the Democratic Republic of Congo

and mining the materials that are required to build car batteries for electric cars such as lithium which harms the soil and contaminates the air as it's being mined very very nasty stuff plus it looks like there's only enough mineable lithium and this is from all my research I know to meet anticipated demand until 20, 25, maybe 2030 if we're lucky, at which point chronic shortages are expected. So this isn't exactly a long-term solution. And let's just be clear, car batteries aren't renewable energy sources because the minerals required to make them won't last forever,

and they can't be replaced. And also, while they don't give out exhaust fumes, car batteries do give out toxic fumes. so there's that as well I mean I'm not saying there aren't huge advantages to electric cars but I am saying that we can't credit Elon Musk with doing his bit to save the planet

by creating an electric car that in its very production exploits a number of workers who are putting themselves at risk for really no compensation and that really only 1% of the population can afford to buy in the first place Also, I have heard that the majority of Tesla owners also own at least one other car and those other cars are absolutely not economical or environmentally friendly.

So, fuck you, Elon Musk is basically where we're at there. Next thing we know, buddy Matt Hancock will be buying Myspace. Welcome back. And I'm not going to lie, that last bit got me all a bit worked up. So do you know, maybe I shouldn't get political. Famous last words. Anyway, I'm calming down a bit now and it's time for me to decompress and for you to decompress with some laughter and some giggles as we discuss pettiness. Now, as I mentioned in the intro, pettiness is one of those character attributes that no one really likes or is proud of but that serves a very essential purpose.

Petiness provides us with the opportunity to give someone what they deserve without ending up in prison for it. It's like a little gift from the gods that says, listen, I know you're a good person and I also know that good people get fucked off with dickheads as well. So here you go. Here's the pettiness gene, use it well and use it wisely.

And I was inspired by this. when I heard the comedian and actress Mira Sayal say this on the New Dave show called Unforgivable. It's not an ad actually, but it's a great way. It would be a great ad if it was. Anyway, this is what she says. So when my daughter was about nine months old, I heard about this swimming class for little babies. And I knew the minute I got there, it wasn't my place. I got into the changing room.

I was getting really funny looks. I was the only person there who had pubic hair and wasn't Botox. And the only person who had a tan that wasn't from a bottle. So, I came out of the class And like babies do, when they've had a bit of a swim Everything just relaxes, doesn't it? So my nine-month-old decided to let forth a tsunami of poo. You know the kind of poo that is coming out the leg holes?

Yes, and going up the back. I had one today. Oh, exactly, yeah. So, of course, I had to change her and clean her. And there was this one woman who was a right biatch. And it was giving me evils, and then was making a look. loud comments about who they let in nowadays. What?

Yeah, she was vile. So I didn't say anything. I'd just clear my door up, but it took quite a long time and managed to get this whole huge runny poo into one bulgy nappy bag. And Biatch went off for a shower and she left her locker open.

Oh, no. You didn't. You didn't. She did. So I put the napper bag in her Gucci handbag. It was unforgivable, but I did a bit. Mira Sayal, I love that she put a shitty nappy bag

in that Biatch's Gucci bag. Was it Gucci? Yeah, I think it was. Anyway, brilliant. So, off the back of this, I thought, I know, I'm going to ask you guys what petty shit you've done. Because I've done it. I'm not beyond the petty shit.

I once left a pile of all of my husband's clean clothes that I had washed, and not ironed, but washed. and folded and I left them on the stairs and I thought I'll see how long it takes him to take this stair pile up okay so I started counting the days and the weeks essentially what started to happen is that he would obviously just walk past the stair pile and every now and again he would then walk down the stairs find what he needed from the clean stair pile take it sometimes stark bollock naked if he needed underwear take it upstairs and use it and and leave the rest of the clothes on pile and I was just like baffled because I thought it is way more effort every time you need

a clean pair of pants to walk down the stairs taking what you need and going back up there why not just take the whole thing up anyway I brought this up in therapy thank goodness we were still in therapy because he was not happy that I had been secretly tracking his weird and wonderful ways and I apologize for being so petty but I'm going to say he's never done it again so pettiness works. Let's get on to what you did. You petty bitches, I love it. I spent weeks taking pictures of Diet Coke cans. My darling husband left lying around after he claimed he was tidier than me. I showed them all to him the next time he complained I'd left something lying around. Fair play. I secretly threw my husband's shirt away when I was annoyed

instead of ironing it. I love that. Fuck it. Just chuck it in the bend. Do you know what's annoying about that, I probably didn't even notice. I turn a photo of my husband and his ex face down every time I visit his Nana. Do you know what? That's fair enough. Nana, what the actual F are you doing keeping pictures of him and his ex up? I mean, if you really love her, create like a secret shrine somewhere that nobody else can see where you can just go back and remember all the fun times with the crazy ex. But I think the rule is that by the time he's moved on and got married again or a new partner, that we remove those pictures and put the new partner in. Do we? I don't know. It's not happened to me. Although I do remember, and bless, this is my mother in Roe and I love Linda

to bits. I really do. She is wonderful. But I remember when I started dating Jimmy and he'd been in a previous long-term relationship before. And occasionally this girl would come up in conversation. And Linda would always say the same thing. She'd always say, oh, she was crazy as a box of frogs, but cat, she was beautiful. All right, Linda, thanks. I mean, I get it. She was beautiful. Fine.

Let's stop banging on about it. Anyway, the point is, once the ex is gone, they're gone, right? Let's let them go, move on. Welcome the new girl in. When my daughter starts giving me attitude, I remotely block her phone so that she can't use it. Isn't that just parenting? Or is that petty parenting?

I mean, if it's petty parenting, I'm a petty parent. That is exactly the sort of shit I would do. Sometimes I shout, shut up at my husband loudly in the middle of the night when he's snoring and then pretend he woke himself up. I've done that before. I have done that before. Also, I don't know if I should admit to this, talking of husband sleeping, my husband is the deepest sleeper. When we had babies that woke up in the middle of the night, he never ever woke up and I got so sick of kicking him awake. So in the end, I just went for like emotional manipulation and basically I used to tell him that the baby had been up three or four times when she

hadn't just to make him feel bad because he never woke up when she did. Is that awful? I mean that's just out and outlying, isn't it? Anyway, I've confessed my sins here. My mother-in-law hates the smell of garlic so I've hidden cloves of garlic all over her car which she never cleans. Brilliant. After numerous requests to hubby to put the Tupperware away How I like it Oh, that's the real crux of that, isn't it? He didn't do it yet again So I decorated his office with every fucking piece I could find

After his final warning Listen, this is the shit that we do That men are baffled by Because this, I actually don't think it's petty I mean, it's a petty way to make a very serious point Because gentlemen, if you're listening, It's not about the Tupperware. It's not about the Tupperware.

It's about the fact that we've asked you to do something super simple that makes my life easier and you fucking refuse to do it. And all we can ascertain from that is that you actively choose to make our life harder because you can't take 10 seconds to do it properly. See earlier about the pans and my husband putting them in the cupboard. It might not be the way that you want to do it and it might take you 10 seconds longer.

But just do it how we've fucking asked you to do it because it's not about the Tupperware, it makes us feel loved. It makes us feel loved. Now this one might be my favourite. My mother-in-law got stuck in our downstairs loo. I heard her but couldn't resist leaving her for a bit. I want to know how long you left or for. I used my husband's, sorry, I used my ex-husband's toothbrush to clean the loo and then put it back for him to use after I found out he'd been cheating after 19 years of marriage. Frankly, my darling, that's the least that you could do. Oh, this is brilliant in its simplicity. I bow down to this woman. I match my partner's socks with the wrong ones so that he has to go through all of his socks to find the right

one. That is like a petty version of memory. You know where you have all your cards laid out and you have to like pick them up to find pairs and then you have to remember where the last one was. That's like that in socks. But with the added time pressure of needing a matching pair of socks to go to work in, Oh my God, I love it. I'm going to do that. I left, oh, this is all so brilliant. I left a dirty nappy on the windscreen of a car that had parked in a parent's base and had no kids.

Bravo. I pulled the draw, I pulled the drawstrings really tight on all my husband's hoodies and tied them in the knotty's knots. That's brilliant. Okay, we're nearly at the end. Right, I put marbles in my medicine cupboard When my parents come to visit, no snooping allowed

Ooh, sneaky. I want to know what you're hiding in there. I love the snooping tactic, marbles so that they all drip out into the sink when people are opening your cupboards. Do you know, I've just read the Matthew Perry book, Life, no, Friends, Lovers and the Big Terrible Thing. And when he was in active addiction,

he used to go to open houses on Sundays. Obviously, really expensive open houses, because he's like a gazillionaire. And he had to, because he had such a massive, like, pill problem. He would go there and steal pills from open houses. Well, he wouldn't be able to if they were putting marbles in their medicine cupboards, would he? Oh, here we go. Having a poo down the toilet of my friend's wife, who I hate and not cleaning the skitties.

Fair play? Took custom bench cushions from a built-in. There were absolutely no use otherwise when we moved to house because the new buyers were shits. I love it. We have an awful downstairs neighbour When my baby is crying I sit on the floor with her So that you can hear it more

Mm-hmm Done that I threw all the Halloween sweets in the bin Because I found one rapper left out And not put in the bin That is exactly what I would do Because again, it's not about the rapper It's about the fact that you've asked

Somebody to do something really simple And they've just done a big metaphorical fuck you I would do the same thing Now this one I found quite controversial And there was lots of this. This was not the only person that talked about turning the loo roll around at their mother-in-law's house. She said, I mean, who has it facing the wall?

I could not agree more. I do not understand people who have loo roll coming down from the back. Surely it has to come over the top. Now, you're saying this is petty. I don't know if this is petty or if this is just correct, like some sort of public service. because I feel like I'm helping them out. Like maybe they just don't know that they're getting this wrong and I'll just turn it around

and then they'll see the air of their ways and be like, huh, I never thought about that. Yeah, we'll do it this way from now on. Like I literally turned it around at my friends' house. It's instinctive now, actually. If I see a loo roll that's the wrong way round, quote-unquote wrong way round, I will turn it around. I didn't think of that as petty just as helpful.

Oh, my friends are going to hate me. I stamped on every packet of my boyfriend's bulk-bought noodles after a row and put them back in the box afterwards. Again, simple but very effective. At Lidl or Aldi, I go really slowly if they go too fast at the checkout. I'm that customer and I don't give two shit. I agree. It is actually terrifying how quickly they throw your food items at you when you're paying. Like, I get the pressure as well and I'm going to try and do it so that I slow down and see how it feels.

I don't think I'll be able to do it, though. The competitive spirit in me will be like, I'm going to be the fastest packer. I'm going to pack this shit faster than anybody. She's not going to be able to keep up with me. The matching socks on was good, but this is also brilliant. In pettiness, I kill people with kindness.

Now, this makes me laugh so much because it's so simple, and you may think that it's not petty, but there is an element of pettiness to it because it's like you're saying, there you go, Janet. Go try talking shit about me, know that I've just complimented you on your jacket. It's brilliant.

My father-in-law is a flat-earth believer. I make my children wear all their NASA gear when we see him. Brilliant. My husband pissed me off one day before work, so I took all the remote controls with me. Genius. Oh, oh, this is a great one to end on. I put my ex's email and phone number on Grindr.

He's a straight male but got inundated with dickpicks. Oh, I've been inundated. Well, I wouldn't say inundated. I mean, I've had a few dick pics. I'm going to be honest, it's not pleasant. I don't like it. It makes me feel very icky, especially when they're not picks and their videos. Sometimes they send you videos of them doing the, you know, the stuff. And that is not okay. If you're a man and you think that that is genuinely sexy or that women genuinely want to see a stranger's penis ejaculate without any warning or prior relationship, I'm going to give you the benefit. of the doubt, if that's the way that you think you're going to get like a relationship going of some kind of friendship, it's absolutely not. It's guaranteed to get you blocked. It is nothing

short of a violation. It's a sexual fucking offence, people. Don't do it. And with that, ladies and gentlemen, I'm wrapping up the petty shit that we do. Next week, I would love to hear your stories about kids using swear words, please, publicly, inappropriately, appropriately, whatever you have. There is nothing I love more than hearing kids swear. It's one of my joys in life. It's not something that I encourage them to do, but when they do it accidentally, it gives me life. So if you've got a great story about kids swearing, then please email me at you're never the only one at gmail.com. And yes, that is, Y-O-U-R-E, and never the only one. Okay, so this is a part of the show that I had no idea what it was going to look like when I started writing this episode.

In fact, now that I'm writing it, I honestly don't really know either. but what I will do is chat about some parenting stuff because let's face it, most of you are here because you're parents, I'm a parent, I talk about parenting and we all like to feel less alone in the never-ending parenting shit show. So this week, as I mentioned, was my last week solo parenting until February. Jimmy is now home. He got home yesterday and that's largely why this podcast is late because honestly I just didn't have the time nor the creative bandwidth to get this podcast done. I was going to do it yesterday afternoon, but then I forgot to take my idea. HD meds and by 4pm I was like barely conscious. So that didn't work out either. It's here tonight. We're ready. We're going. But have I parented perfectly this week? Have I fuck? On Sunday, right, I said to the girls that we were going to have a duvet day. Well, they were going to have a duvet day. We'd been out at a friend's house for bonfire night the night before and we and got home until 11pm. So after a mental week, they were knackered and needed a rest and I needed to blitz the house. Jimmy was home and honestly, I hadn't had a chance to do anything. The bedsheets

looked like they'd been wiped over the floor of a horse stable because the cat and the dogs sleep with me. Every bin in the house was overflowing. The floors were filthy. There was shit everywhere. The laundry pile was the size of Rishi-Soonak's bank account. Frankly, I just needed them out the way in quiet so that I could put my air pods in, watch the handmade style and clean the entire house from top to bottom. But because I also believe in making them responsible for their own shit, I asked them to tidy their room. Not clean it, just tidy it so that I could clean it. To be fair, neither room was particularly messy. It wasn't like I was asking the world. But, and with a little bit of focus, they could have had their rooms done in less than 10 minutes.

We're talking a few dirty clothes on the floor, a few random toys. After that, I said, you can watch YouTube and Teen Titans till it is coming out of your, yeng yang you would have thought that i have asked them to clean out the litter tray with their teeth the whining the whinging the i've done it only for me to go up and discover that they haven't or that they've just shoved everything down the side of the bed or in a wardrobe the scheming and the conniving the dramatics they went through just to try and get out of ten minutes work all while i'm looking down the barrel of ten hours of cleaning Well, I'm ashamed to say, but I'm not really, that I lost my shit.

I gave it to them both barrels, full pelt, top of my voice. It was like a lengthy monologue in responsibility and respect. I told them they'd hurt my feeling, that they'd made me feel like they saw me as a slave. He was just around to pick up all their stuff, cook their food, get them to places, do their laundry, host play dates, provide money to do fun stuff, and that I get no thanks in return. I asked them if it felt good to be sat watching TV. mushing baby bell wax into the velvet sofas

while I walked over 21,000 steps through the house cleaning, scrubbing, vacuuming, washing, polishing, scrubbing and drying. Does it feel good? I asked, does it? Does it feel good to sit and watch me work hard and then refuse to help me for 10 minutes? I went on and on. I was so genuinely let down. And you know what? This is what we don't talk about.

Kids can be mean. kids can be hurtful. Small kids can be mean. Sure, it might not be because they've actively decided to hurt your feelings, but also it might be. But that doesn't mean that it doesn't feel like a sucker punch. And it doesn't mean that we should shy away from telling them that. Just because they're little people doesn't mean they get to be mean to mummy. They were really upset when they realised that they'd hurt me and that I was upset and angry. And did I feel bad? No. No, I didn't. I truly believe, that small kids need to understand that their words actually hurt people. They don't get in trouble because they've been rude. That that's not, it's not like an automatic consequence, like they're rude and we shout at them. And that's just how it goes. We shout at them because we're hurt. We shout them because what they said was really cunty.

And they need to know that they can't talk to people like that. And I do think I have let so many of those instances slide. but I also know that they know the difference because they don't behave like that at school when the teacher says can you help tidy up the classroom they do it with a fucking smile on their face and joy in their heart they're like thank you miss yes I'd love to clean up the living the classroom and I'm going to do it really well

I don't get that I get fuck you do it yourself bitch I mean not in so many words but essentially that's what they're saying to me so they got upset they apologize and then they went and tidied their rooms properly which actually took them about six minutes in the end and when they'd done that I sat down with them both and I said that I was sorry I'd got mad

and that I'd shouted and that I could have handled it better and they said that they were sorry and that they understood why I got upset and that next time I asked them to help me they would do it without complaining and I was like listen it's not about helping me it's about just being responsible for your own space and they agreed we had a lovely moment

you know where we discussed the need to work as a team and to respect the needs of everybody in the house and all of it felt like such a special moment and you know what the next morning it was Monday morning and they were all dressed and ready and I was just pulling a few bits together and I said listen while you're waiting for me to do this can you just run up and clean your

can you just run up and make your beds and they both cried and said that they refused because they were too tired so so yeah that was brilliant And that's basically parenting in a nutshell. Listen, I hope you have a fantastic week. I'm sorry that this is a day late. Enjoy it all. Even the shit bits.

They'll make for good stories in the end at the very least. And remember, if you've got any funny stories about kids swearing, then please email me at you're never the only one at gmail.com, Y-O-U-R-E. Also, if you want to comment on anything in this episode or any other episode, then feel free to email me with that too. Thanks as ever for listening. Bye-bye.

You're never the only one is written and presented by me, Kat Sims, author of the first time you smiled or was it just wind, and creator of Not So Smug Now, an online platform for those of us who are waking up every day and just trying to do the best they can. Follow me and get all your podcast info by heading to at Not So Smug Now on Instagram and TikTok, and Not So Smug Now.com.

You'll also be able to read things I write, including articles and my book, which, by the way, is probably the best baby shower gift you can get at the moment, and soon you'll be able to pick up merch there as well. You're Never the Only One is produced and edited by Lucy Loucraft,

and executive producers are Bonnie Barry and Paramee Kodikara. Our original music is written and performed by Hot Salad. Yeah, I'm really fancy the bass player. Please check them out wherever you stream your music and on Instagram at your mum likes hot salad. You're lying to yourself if you think that you've got to live. Everybody in love. You're never the only one.

You're never the only one. Don't live inside your strength because everybody makes mistakes. Don't judge me. I'm a weakness. Don't judge me on my floor. Because no one's really perfect by the grace of God goes all. Everybody knows. You're never the only one.

You're never the only one. Don't live inside the shame. Because everybody makes me stupid. taking the time to make sure everything's okay picking up like to everyone else each and every day when you're better than nothing left for you to spend on you you're allowed to be happy to Never the only one.

Never the only one. Don't live inside your shame because everybody makes mistakes. Never you're never on you're wrong They live inside your shame Because everybody makes mistakes Thank you.