ZM's Bree & Clint - Bree & Clint's After Party - 10th May 2024

Episode Date: May 10, 2024

A serious but necessary conversation about staying safe and how to make other people feel safe.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

The ZM Podcast Network. Hi everybody, welcome to the After Party. I talked to my wife Lucy about the contents of yesterday's After Party, where you guys chastised me about my fatal flaw. Oh, listen to him. Such victim mentality. If you haven't listened yet, I was accused of overconfidence, that my fatal flaw is overconfidence. And you know what my wife said about you horrible people

and the accusations you made towards me? That we were right? She said you're spot on. She said that is your fatal flaw. Man, she knows you so well. And I said, is it a bad thing? And she goes, it's hard to be around sometimes. I love how honest she is. do i so do i she's very honest oh wait you think she's i thought she was joking no i think she's being

honest i think she's being well either way either way you know what's either way water off a very confident duck's back you know what you know what's hard to be around, I will say, is when Clint says stuff like this. Yeah, you know, I've never had a problem with mental health. Not one single issue myself. Yeah. Ever. Ever in a day. Well, I didn't go on about that much.

I just said I can't relate. I've never had mental health problems. Oh, you went on. You boasted about it a little bit. No, I wouldn't brag about it. Because all you bloody... Oh, careful. Basket cases. I don't even know what that means.

Basket. Ask your therapist. That's a joke. That's a joke. Oh, my God. Fucking hell. I'm not going to therapy at the moment. I'm actually okay.

Maybe you should. I can't afford therapy. I'll be honest. I can't afford therapy. I know. It's so expensive. I stopped when I had can't afford it. I'll be honest. I can't afford therapy. I know. It's so expensive. I stopped when I had to pay for it. Can I just say, like, and I know that it really helps people.

Yeah. For me personally, I don't know if it's worth that amount of money. Like, if I was getting, like, a lot out of it, like, then I'd be like, sweet, I'm willing to invest in my mental health and pay the money yeah but i've never had an experience where i'm like shit yeah that's really helped me yeah and look i have seen a therapist before to help me through some hard times in life um but what i know of it is that shit it's hard to find the right one for you because it is so personal and so bespoke and the people that i know that that need to see a therapist regularly which is not me

um that i've had some really bad experiences they talk about being passed around a lot i've had some horrible i had such a bad experience with this one bloke who i had a full-blown panic attack in his office that he that he pretty much bought on yeah and I told him I even told him I was like this will cause me much distress and I probably will end up in a panic attack and he continued to do it was that part of the therapy though was it like bringing it to the surface that's not the therapy I signed up for it can't be without a therapy

To induce a panic attack No And I'd been And the most disappointing Part to me Was that I'd been to him Like quite A lot of times

It's a tricky conversation Because it's so important For some people To go and do that And I know people That won't go Because of Bad experiences

Bad experiences Or stories of bad experiences Or the They don of bad experiences or they don't want to try, they don't want to put themselves out there. It's hard. But you're also right. Like your experience is also true. It's a true experience. And I'm not saying like all of them are like that

and I've never had that bad of an experience with other ones. I've just never had that click moment that i hear a lot of people have i also forgot yesterday when you guys asked me where all my blind confidence was i've actually been ruminating on this quite a lot that conversation yesterday no no i just forgot to acknowledge something you're like where does all your confidence come from i forgot to acknowledge that i am a relatively young white male. Thanks, patriarchy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you said, do you feel like there's anything you can't do?

And I said, no, not really. And I have been, I've literally been told that my entire life. Whereas we definitely have not been told the same thing. And lots of people who are not. Hence why we probably don't have the same confidence in some areas, you know. Yeah, I would just like to acknowledge that I know that I won the birth lottery as far as that goes, you know. Yeah, gotcha.

I'm not trying to sound arrogant with that. Did you win the birth lottery? Because you have to live your life as a man. Oh, would you do a man or a beer in the woods? Not do, but would you be? What's the tip? I already asked for this. I'm not gay, but I'd do a man or a bear in the woods? Not do, but would you be? What's the TikTok thing? I already asked for this. I'm not gay, but I'd do a man.

Would you leave your daughter with a man or a bear in the woods? Yeah, that's the question. That's the question. I don't like the leave the daughter question. I saw it on the internet that it's, would you rather meet a man or a bear in the woods? Oh, yeah. Oh, so they actually meet.

No, no, yeah, you. Would you rather meet a man or a bear in the woods? Probably a bear. Isn't that bad? Isn't that bad? It's really bad. And to be honest, it's just the unknown of. I'd rather get eaten.

You know what? It's so weird because there's a lot of stuff going on, I mean, around the world, but especially Australia at the moment around domestic violence or women being killed by men and I see I obviously I see a lot of that but and because I'm Australian I get fed a lot more of that in my social media so I've been looking at a lot of it and reading about it and all that kind of thing and I had this horrible moment the other day because I've obviously been immersed in it recently, like a lot more.

But I had this horrible moment the other day where I went to the dog park and for people who are in Auckland, they'll know this dog park. It was Miola Dog Park, which is this beautiful dog park that used to be a dump and it's been now turned into this amazing beautiful dog park and it's got these amazing views and it's big it's huge like it's quite a big dog park and anyway i had my dogs off the lead and then there was this guy who was i reckon probably in his late 30s and he had his dog there and my dogs have run up to go play with his dog and so i've walked over as you do at dog parks and i was like you know talking to this guy and he seemed really

nice like it seemed like a really lovely dude and we're talking about our dogs and just making conversation and letting the dogs play anyway it was at that point where he was like and i was at the end of my kind of run with my dogs and i think he was as well, and he said to me, oh, we're going this way if you want to walk with us. And the walk that he was talking about, because I've been to this park before, is this walk that's down into these bushes and it's hidden. It's a lot of shrubs and you can't see.

You kind of go along this path. And it wasn't at that very moment but it was as soon as we walked into this like bushy kind of path i had this real like so you went with him so i did yeah and and then as soon as we walked into this path that was like you couldn't be seen by people i had this like yeah this inner terror where there was nothing about him that said to me that he was dangerous or that he wasn't nice or that he wasn't a good bloke. But I just had this instant inner terror where I just all I could think

about was he could just literally drag me into the bush right now and do whatever, you know. And it was like this hot and all I could think about, this poor guy was chatting to me about, you know, and it was like this hot and all I could think about, this poor guy was chatting to me about, you know, normal stuff and I just went into this full panic mode and it's just, it sucks. It's an awful reality, right, for women. And it is a reality, like, and something

that you just can't get away from. Well, I said to you that it was last year. So men don't know that, even like good, honest men. Well, I said to you one time because you and I walk to the car park together and even though the car park is full lights, when you're not with me in the car park because it's at night time but the car park's fully lit up, when you're not there, i feel uneasy when i'm walking through the car park to get to my car and it's just a like a instinct thing where i naturally grab my car keys and have them poking

out of my fingers if like that would do much but we just what have you got yeah yeah yeah and i said to you i was, have you ever done that? And you're like, no. No, not once. My wife said to me, because she was going to go for a walk in the evening recently, and where we live, there's lots of houses around, you can sort of walk up, but there's a bay at the bottom of our street.

And I said, why don't you go down and walk around the bays, down by the water? And she said, are you fucking stupid? I can't do that. I would never do that on my own. I've never been able to do that on my own? I can't do that. I would never do that on my own. I've never been able to do that on my own. We can't do that. Especially not in the evening as the sun is going down.

I was like, oh, you know, I never even considered it. Yeah. I never considered it. I get it now that I've been told. Yeah. But it never crossed my mind. And it's shit. It sucks.

And you know something else that I've recently given up? Because I'm just too scared. Yeah. And obviously I've got past trauma. That makes me even more hyper aware. But I now don't listen to music when I go on walks. Yeah. Especially in areas that are secluded.

So you can have your wits about you. I need to have my wits about me and I want to be able to hear if someone's coming up behind me. And I literally, music, one of my favorite things to do when I'm walking and I just can't able to hear if someone's coming up behind me. And I literally music one of my favourite things to do when I'm walking and I just can't listen to it anymore. So can I ask a question for men, which is funny because I've asked for a lot of advice from women today behind the scenes that we can't repeat. Well, we can't, no.

Nothing like this, nothing to do with this. What do you want men to do in those situations? Like, for example, I understand when I'm, if I'm walking to the car park, for example, and I'm following a woman and then we share an elevator down, what do you want us to do? I saw a TikTok of a guy explaining what he does because he's like, girls, what can I do to make you feel a bit better? Yeah, yeah, yeah. When he's walking past a woman on the street he'll like shuffle his feet

a little bit louder so that she can hear him they can hear yeah when he's kind of coming a little bit closer just like hi i'm here i'm walking past you now okay um that was something i was like you know what i think it is and i've thought about this a lot over the years is that I like obviously I can acknowledge it's not all men it's a very it's the it's but there's a bad group within men that do these things but for me I think even like if you're a man and you're not like doing those things you need to do more like no so that's what I'm asking yeah and what the feet shuffling thing so that's what i'm asking yeah and the feet shuffling thing sure that's a thing but if you're sharing an elevator with someone for example what i'm really thinking about is where you need to go back to where the problem starts

and it starts within i believe groups of men or groups of boys like where you make jokes or like you you know people will joke about things you need to be the man that says something in that situation where you're like that's not cool to joke about like anything that's like you know towards a woman that is violent or even if it's a joke you need to be the man that stands up and says guys we don't joke about that stuff anymore yeah you know and that's that's where you can do something and where i think it will make a to be the man that stands up and says, guys, we don't joke about that stuff anymore. Yeah. You know, and that's where you can do something and where I think it will make a difference in your friend group and hopefully it then filters out.

But that's just my opinion. What do you think, Claude? Yeah, I don't know. I'm thinking specifically with an elevator. I just don't want people to acknowledge my presence. Just ignore me. But that's just you in general. That's not a fear of men thing. Don't fucking talk to me. That's I hate all people.. Just ignore me. But that's just you in general. That's not a fair of men thing.

Don't fucking talk to me. I hate all people. Get away from me. I have no self-preservation instinct. What do you mean? You're talking about going out and by yourself and stuff. Last night, I literally picked up a bike that I bought on Trade Me from a man that I'd never met in a back alley in Auckland City.

Oh, no. In the dark afterwards. You know what? But he was fine. But good on you. Yeah. And like, I hate that saying, most men are. It's because they are.

But thinking about it now, I probably should have been like, instead of being like. Did anybody know where you were? Ah. Oh, that. No. Claudia, you're giving me. My partner has me on the little tracky thing. Oh, you're giving me so much anxiety.

Yeah. You need to be honestly. And I'm so independent. I'm going to go out by myself. People are like, I'll walk you to the car. And I'm like, nah, I'm fine. Nah, that's the patriarchy. You need to be more self-aware, honestly.

You really do. Like walking through a park or walking where it's dark. Although the other day I went for a run and I did put headphones on and I did consider the fact that I've never run around that area before i've been like in the area but i'm like going out by myself put my headphones on and there was this one car that was like kind of pulled over in a weird spot and i had to run past them and i was very much like they could just open the door yeah nab me and no one would ever see me again well exactly and stuff like, unfortunately, stuff like that happens. It was happening in Auckland.

It happens everywhere. Yeah, everywhere. Anyway, I'll leave you with this. At the end of the day, and it's not just men, this is for everyone, men, women, you call out bad behaviour and that can be making a joke. That can be, you know, with anything, you call it out. Have the guts to stand up. Even in a group setting, it's better in a group setting

because then people will actually think about it and go, oh, yeah, that's not okay. Call it out. Call out bad behaviour. Make a difference. I like that message. Okay, sweet. On that note, shall we go home for the weekend?

Yeah, my pits are sweaty. I'm going to go party with the Spice Girls. Yeah. Are you going to go to with the Spice Girls. Yeah. Oh, you're going to the Spice Girls tomorrow. Sure are. How fucking good. And you. See you guys next week.