ZM's Bree & Clint - ZM's Bree & Clint Podcast – March 5th 2020

Episode Date: March 5, 2020

What’s your best joke?Dean McCarthy live from LANo more toilet paperWhat your ‘animal’ voice?Brees Killer Comedy Set – advice #1A new caféWhats The Plot!Do you share your toothbrush?Birthday Banger!The boring machineBrees Killer Comedy Set – advice #2Seen while joggingSchool black marketSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hello everybody, welcome to the Brie and Clint podcast. Hey, what are you yawning for? I'm tired, it's not good going into the comedy gig, is it? No, we're about to leave the building and go to the funeral home so Brie can do a big comedy set. You're my promoter, you're meant to get me like a beer or a V or something. I'll get you some cocaine. That's what good promoters do. Yeah, see now that's a good promoter.

Yeah, I'll get you some narcotics. Just a service note for our podcast family. In the podcast group, which desperately needs renaming, by the way. Desperately. Your job. I am not an admin. It's your job to get it sorted. Take charge, mate.

Can you change it right now? Let's do it right now as a group. This isn't the admin that I had to do. I know, but that's quite fitting to change the podcast group name as we're doing the podcast. Okay, Ellie, what was the number one requested name for the podcast? I'm pretty sure it was Hey. You all right?

Yeah, I'm pretty sure it was that one. We need to get the wording right then. Yeah, we need to get the exact. Ellie's finding it. Yeah, let's do a bit of a brainstorm here. Oh, we need to get the exact. Ellie's finding it. Yeah, let's do a bit of a brainstorm here. Oh, Ben's just pulled some beers out. I got those. I'm the promoter.

Are they cold? Yeah, they're cold. No, they're not. Oh, jeepers. All right. There's a lot happening. Oh, the beers are coming in. A lot of noise going on.

Yes, yes, yes. Ben, can you not derail what we're doing, mate? We're trying to do a lot of things. He's multitasking. No, Ben, you come back here. Ben, come back here and open one of those mate? We're trying to do a lot of things. He's multitasking. No, Ben, you come back here. Ben, come back here and open one of those beers. We're trying to get the name of the podcast. You open one.

I'm out. I'm just doing a search here. Yeah. A lot of content gets posted in the screen. It was definitely, hey, how are you? No, it's not, hey, how are you? It's, hey, you all right? Is that what it is?

It's going to be impossible to search. Can we just call it the Bree and Clint Podcast Group? For now. Can you please rename it the Bree and Clint Podcast Group? Yeah. Yeah. Who wants a beer? Yep.

Yeah, I have a beer. Yeah. Can you get back on your fricking microphone? We're doing a podcast intro. This is a nightmare, isn't it? No, it's good. Use that microphone. Use that microphone.

I'm here. Cool. We've made a decision as a group. We're changing the name. Yeah, good. That's a done deal. Congratulations. Great work.

We've made a decision. The admin I actually had to talk about is a lot of people in that group, the now Bree and Clint podcast group. Our Big Bang Theory fans. Not anymore. Do you guys want a beer? Yeah soon A lot of them are asking

Oh my god pay attention Sorry go A lot of them are asking to have a live stream of Bree's comedy set Because a lot of you guys live overseas and there's no way you could come to it We've been prevented from having a live stream by management Who are too scared of what Bree's going to say Yeah literally that. So true.

But it's not all bad because we do feel bad because obviously people want to see. So there is like a whole rap video of the whole thing being made. There'll be a video. You won't get much of the jokes. Maybe you'll get a couple of jokes. There'll be a few butthole jokes in there. Nice.

Butthole jokes are clean. I'll make sure those are in. Kind of, but not really. Jesus, this has been a train wreck of a podcast intro. So we're getting out. We're going to the funeral home. You're performing. We've achieved something.

We've changed our podcast group name. Yes. That is good. You can only change it once every 28 days. This will be for at least four weeks. And what have we settled on? The Bree and Clint podcast family. Bree and Clint.

I'm out here now, Clint. I'm out here in the producers. Fuck'm out here in the producer's room. Are you happy with the, thank you, mate. Are you happy with the Bree and Clint podcast family up here? Is that fine? Oh, it's kind of. Add a bazinga to the end. Done. We're done. What did he say? Add a bazinga to the end. No, don't add a bazinga

to the end. Hey Google, what's the time? It's 3pm, give or take a minute. Alexa, play ZM on iHeartRadio. play ZM on iHeartRadio. Playing ZM on iHeartRadio. Hey Siri, when are Brie and Clint on? Brie and Clint are on air in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. It's showtime baby, in more ways than one.

It's show day today. Welcome along everybody, Brie and Clint. Hello everyone. Today is the big day. If you've been following the journey, maybe you've got yourself some free tickets or a spot on the guest list so far. Today's the big day for...

Bree's Killer Comedy Set. Why are you guys so excited? That's my big promoting gig. It's my first ever big promoting gig. Is this the first one you've actually done? Absolutely. Might be your last. No, you don't know that.

I've got faith in you. You're the first talent I've ever booked. You've always wanted to do a comedy gig of your own. Yeah, not at a funeral home. Well, that's the venue that we've got. But, you know, you have to take what you're given. Exactly right. A real artist can perform anywhere.

Elton John, when he was here, if they said, sorry, Elton John, you've got to perform at the sewage treatment plant, he would have gone... Let's do it. He would have said, Where's my Gucci's? Let's go. It is tonight. There is still the chance to come.

If you'd like some information on this, you just need to text BRIE, that's B-R-E-E, to 9696, and we'll fire you back all the details. Yeah, don't text beer. A lot of people, although I love beer,

have been texting beer. Yeah, beer doesn't work. I thought I'd show you now. Oh, here we go. Because all the big events, you know how you buy a program? Yes. The official program for tonight. Is this actually for real?

Yeah, it's for real. This is for tonight's. Why does it look like a funeral booklet? Duh. I mean, it makes sense, doesn't it? Because it's at a funeral home, dumbass. Did you get these printed? Yeah.

It says Brie Thomasel and then it's got my birth date on it and the day today and it says she's not dead but she's going to kill it. She's not dead but she's going to kill it. Every guest who attends tonight is going to receive one of these programs. Oh, my God. Just to commemorate the occasion, you know? Then it says celebrating a talented comedian and then it's got crossed out, cut down in the prime of her life.

Yeah. Everything is ready to go. Well, we're all ready to go. My great concern is that maybe you're not quite ready to go. But over the next three hours, we're going to get you ready. Okay. Next, we're going to band together as a Brie and Clint family all across the country.

This doesn't need to be for Aucklanders to get you sorted for tonight's set. That's all you need to know. In the next 20 minutes, you're going to be completely sorted. I'm just reading the program because obviously we've got some actual comedians coming, Eli Matheson and Two Hearts. But is Ross Boss going to be there? Oh, yeah, he's going to play the organ. He's going to play Amazing Grace

between the acts. Is he actually? Yeah. Yeah, we're all ready to go. That is classic. You guys have done well. Stick around. Next we get Brie prepped and ready for tonight's big gig. ZM. I know the taste of my tears when they... Brie and Clint.

To celebrate the New Zealand International Comedy Festival returning for 2020 starts on April 30th. Full details at comedyfestival.co.nz. Tonight, Brie lives out one of her dreams, courtesy of me. Tonight's your killer comedy set. I feel like this is mainly your dream that you're living out and I'm just being dragged behind it.

No, it's never been my job to do your organising. That's not been my dream at all. It's just a job that I've fallen into. And sometimes you find out what you're best at like that. Yeah, I don't know if I was ready to headline my own show as I've only done stand-up, oh, like, twice. I understand that. I understand that.

But life is about pushing yourself outside your comfort zone. Yes, it is. That's where growth is found. Okay. Or something. But I know that there's a possibility you're not ready for tonight. No, there's no possibility. It's absolutely, you're correct, I'm not ready.

That's okay. We're going to get you ready together right now. You're on stage in, what's the time? It's ten past three, ten past four, five, six. Four and a half. Four and a half. Four and a half hours. Four hours 20-ish. You'll be fine.

You're going to be fine. Okay? Yeah. And plenty of time to write a full comedy set. In the next 20 minutes, you're going to have a full set. I promise you that. Okay. Okay?

And I'll get you started. Okay? I've been researching jokes that will go well at a funeral home. Yes. Okay? It's always good to recycle jokes at comedy clubs. No, not recycling them. I've got these ones for you and I'll gift them to you.

You can use them. Have you written these? Ish, yep. Here's some gear that could work. So you get up there, you're at the funeral home, and you go, oh, man, I hate it how most funerals are like at 9 or 10 o'clock a.m. I'm just not a morning person.

It's morning person. Morning. Like morning. Morning and morning. Don't explain the joke. It kind of takes the wind out of it. Okay, how about this one? I was at my best friend's funeral recently and I

stepped up to the microphone and I said plethora. And I stepped up to the microphone and I said, plethora. And his widow came over to me afterwards and she said, thanks, that means a lot. Oh, I get it. Plethora. Isn't it plethora? Well, you can, whatever.

Whatever way you say it. Potato, potato. Sorry, yeah, I got the joke once I understood what you said. Now we can repurpose that one, okay? I was at my friend's funeral recently and I got up and I walked to the microphone and I said discount.

And his widow came over to me afterwards and she said, thank you very much. That means a great deal. Oh my god. This is good shit, right? This is really this is top. I don't think you're into it. I think you're courtesy. What website have you got these from? I wrote these.

I wrote these. No, you did not. I wrote these. You can get done for copyright. I'm not the one on stage. You are. So that's fine. Don't use my jokes.

No, I liked them. I liked them. Let's crowdsource some other ones. Okay. And they don't need to be funeral jokes specifically. Or do they? Do you want all kinds of jokes? I think you've got to go wide.

Maybe do a few of those, I think, and then go wide and just do whatever joke. Okay. If it's good. Oh, 800 dials at M. Have you got some jokes for Brie? That's what we want. We want your best jokes. Show us your jokes.

Yeah, yeah. Short, punchy jokes. Good, like witty one-liners, that sort of thing. Knock-knock jokes. We'll take those as well. I do love a good knock knock joke 0800 DALS.M

we just want to hear your best jokes for Bree's killer comedy set tonight do you want some on the text machine too yes yeah

text them in that'd be great 9696 Bree and Clint they're getting Bree ready for tonight she's getting ready for Bree's killer comedy set her first ever ready for tonight. She's getting ready for a Breeze Killer Comedy Set.

Her first ever headline performance just happens to be at a funeral home because that's where I booked her. Thank you so much. It's only her third ever time doing stand-up comedy so as a far note, we're going to gather around and make sure she's ready to go with the

hottest material. Yeah, please, if you are coming tonight, get your best sympathy laughs ready. You won't need them after this because we're being flooded with great gear to use. There is really good jokes coming through on the text machine. I've had a very good laugh. Give me your favourite one. Oh, it's not appropriate.

Yeah, actually, we've had a lot of those too and none of those we're making it to air this afternoon. This is a family show at this time. I can read this one out. Someone said, because you're at a funeral parlour tonight for the gig, you should open your stand up with, gee, tough crowd, who died? I like that.

I like that. Mark, you're here and you've got a joke for Bree to use tonight. What is it? Oh, yeah. Why do pirates store their whiskey on the starboard side? Why? Because the other side is the port side. That's very good, Mark.

That's good stuff. Very good. I don't think you had any pirate gear before this. No, no. I can add that to my repertoire. Tanya, what's your gear for tonight's comedy show? What can Bree use? Hi, so I've got a quick two. I've got

so a cow is just a cow with four legs, right? Yeah. So what do you call a cow with no legs? What? I don't know. Ground beef. Cow jokes. Thank you. Very good, Tanya. Very good. I've got one more for you.

Go on then. What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball together? Oh, hang on. Is this a racial joke? Oh, no. Has this one been screamed? What? It's all right.

It's all right. Okay, yeah. Juan on Juan. Juan on Juan. Okay. Sorry, Tania. You guys really scared me for a second. No, no.

Don't worry. Juan on Juan. I think that's fine. Juan on Juan. I think that's okay. Luke's here. Hey, Luke. Hi, Luke. Hi. Luke, how old are you?

Ten. You're ten. I'd love to hear your joke, Luke. Give us your best one. What do you call a vampire's favourite fruit? What do you call what? Whose favourite fruit, sorry? What's a vampire's favourite fruit? What is a vampire's favourite fruit. What do you call what? Whose favourite fruit, sorry? What's a vampire's favourite fruit?

What is a vampire's favourite fruit? Nectarines. That's good stuff, Luke. Or blood orange. I like that. Yeah, good. Let's get a couple more. I think your set's filling up fast.

All the good stuff. Monique, hi. Hi, hi. I saw this on the side of the track today. Okay, this should be good. Okay, why do the French love to eat snails? Why do they? Because they don't like fast food.

If you saw it on a truck, it means it's a good joke. That's good. If someone's went to the lengths of printing it on a truck. And we'll get one last joke from Kyle. Hi, Kyle. Hi, Kyle. How's it going? Very good.. And we'll get one last joke from Kyle. Hi, Kyle. Hi, Kyle. How's it going? Very good.

I'm very excited to hear this joke of yours. Okay, so straight out the gate, as soon as you walk on stage, you walk up to the microphone and you ask, is there a mic in the building? Can you please raise your hand? And as soon as they do, you just go, well, that's the mic test done. On to the show.

See, that's good because it's interactive. Yeah. I like that, Kyle. I mean, sucks if there's no mics there, but, you know. Bree and Clint from iHap Radio. This is The Latest. Live from LA with Dean McCarthy. Dean, this is a massive story out today.

One of Britney Spears' sons has gone live on Instagram and has revealed quite a bit of dirt on the family. He certainly has. This was just like one of those like rants, but he just didn't want to stop. He's only just joined Instagram, Britney Spears' son, Jaden. These are a couple of highlights. He went on and on a bit about the family.

The big highlight, though, he absolutely detests his grandfather, who is, of course, Britney Spears' father. He has been the conservator of her fortune for over a decade now. Hates him. Talked about that. Caught him a few four-letter words. And then, of course, went on to say something we did not expect him to say, which was that he doesn't think Britney Spears, his mum, will ever sing again.

He said that she's over it and she said that she wants to quit. And then when she said that, he said, you know, you make a lot of bank when you do this, right? So he's trying to convince her to keep in the game for the cash. But according to him on the Instagram Live, she's done and dusted. We've actually got a clip of 13-year-old Jaden on Instagram Live. One time I asked her, what, Mom, what happened to your music? And she was like, I don't know, honey.

I think I might just quit it. I'm like, what? What are you saying? Like, do you know how much bank you make off of that stuff? Is your grandpa a jerk? Yeah, he's a pretty big dick. And he's pretty...

as shit. You can go die. Whoa! That's intense, right? I mean, 13-year-olds, that's the age Where you act out right That's

It's part of the course You definitely are You know going through Some life things Yeah And You don't generally end up As global entertainment news

When you have these Episodes though No And as I think We've all learnt Especially me Don't go on Instagram live It can be dangerous

Oh Bree's horrific For going on there After a few lemonades. It's fun. You talk to people. Fun for you. Me and PJ, who used to do this show, we love to do an Instagram Live. Yeah, okay.

Dean McCarthy, that's our Hollywood correspondent, live from Los Angeles. Brie and Clint. The end of the world is coming and people are stocking up on toilet paper. No, don't say that. Well, you might as well be led to believe if you watch the news at the moment. We're trying to be the media that doesn't cause hysteria. Okay. But you are right about one thing.

People are going nuts for poo paper. Yeah. It's out of control. Out of control like in australia uh all i've been seeing everyone i know being like this is actually the craziest thing ever yeah so it's around coronavirus and for some reason people have gone what do i need to survive this about 150 rolls of toilet paper do people think that coronavirus is going to make you have an upset stomach? Whatever it is, it's causing pandemonium. I saw that in Australia, someone pulled a knife in a toilet paper aisle

yesterday. No. Yeah. They were so heated and the jostle for two ply got so heated, someone pulled a knife. And then you told me about the truck. Oh yeah. So in Brisbane, I'm not sure, I think this was last night, actually. There's been such an over demand for toilet paper that they've had to send out all these extra trucks and people are working extra hours around the clock. And one of the trucks carrying all the toilet paper had an accident and caught on fire. Yeah. This is one of the firemen who attended that toilet paper truck fire talking about it. There was quite an interesting fuel load on this particular vehicle

as we believe toilet paper is quite precious at the moment. So we've been able to save half the load on this particular truck. See, I wouldn't have said load in that particular. Is that we had to dump the other half? Yeah, see, you wouldn't have said that either. Like, come on, mate. I've got to be honest with you. I'm see, you wouldn't have said that either. Like, come on, mate. I've got to be honest with you. I'm not, I may live

to regret these words. I'm not overly concerned about coronavirus. I think it is what it is and the right people are doing the right things. That's fine. People buying all the toilet paper, though, is the problem at the moment. Does get me concerned. So I didn't really want to stockpile anything

for coronavirus, but now I want to stockpile toilet paper because everyone else is stockpiling toilet paper. No, I do. No, I do. I do. I'm just being honest with you.

If you're going to buy it all up, then it makes me want to grab three dozen next time I'm at New World. It does. Because the next time you go to do your normal shop, there'll be no toilet paper.

It might not be there, yeah. No, you're part of the problem. I know, I know. But then there'll be parents out there too going, because it's happening for nappies and stuff too. You go, if I have to, I will wash my bum in the shower. But if the baby runs out of nappies, what do we do? Just let it poo on the floor?

What about cloth nappies? People don't have cloth nappies. If you do, you'll be fine. But if you've never ventured into the world of cloth nappies. Cut up an old shirt. Yeah, you don't. Cut up an old singlet. Does that work?

Yeah, in an emergency. I obviously don't have a baby. No, but then it'll go all over the floor and then you don't have any toilet paper to clean it up with. I just had a brainwave. You know what we should be doing. And we spoke about this on our show ages ago and neither of us were on board

we should start the family cloth the reusable cloth toilet paper where you use it once and then you wash it this is a sensation on our show and we talked to someone who uses the family cloth and we

were polite to them, but there was a general feeling, we were like, this person is a leper. This is great. Now that person is going, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Look at me. I'm going to be the last one standing or squatting. Or sitting.

Yeah, sitting. Bree and Clint. A bit of fun for your Thursday afternoon coming up right now because I had a thought last night yeah um and sometimes i don't know where my brain is but you know i had this thought last night because i was at my friend's house and they've got a cat and one of my mates was talking to the cat and i was like oh yeah you know that's pretty normal we all talk to our animals was the cat talking back yes actually she does talk back sometimes.

Only when she wants food. But, you know, he was doing the typical animal voice that you do or the voice you do when you talk to an animal. Yeah. I'm talking about the, oh, come on, you little bird. Come on. Come on, Shizzle. Come on.

Wait, Shizzle. Oh, Shizzle. Are you talking about Shizzle, the 18-year-old cat? Yeah, the cat that vomits a lot. And every time, and I was thinking about it and I was like, I do the same thing. When I talk to a dog, it's always in a high-pitched kind of voice. Yeah.

And a lot of us do it. Why do we do it? Why do we change voice to speak to an animal? Well, I did some research. The animal has never spoken back to us in that same voice. Why have we decided that that's what animals like? I did some research because that's part of my job. Yeah.

And I looked into it and it's quite interesting that all over the world, doesn't matter what nationality, most people talk to their animals in a high pitch voice yep um and they reckon it's because and this might sound weird uh but the high pitch is actually a cue for dogs right because they like the they hear in that register because you know obviously there's like those dog whistles that are really, really high pitch, but that's usually more what a dog responds to is a high pitch.

Yeah. And apparently that's why we do it. I'm trying to think of, I've never had a dog. Trying to think of how you speak to a dog. Because it's different to a cat, isn't it? Dog voice and cat voice are different. This is what made me think because over the weekend we stayed at an Airbnb. It was a very strange

place and they had a pet cockatoo. Oh yeah? See they do talk to you. Yeah see cockatoos do. This bird said some horrific things. Yeah. But when I talked to the cockatoo I spoke in a different voice. Yeah. And then I was thinking I was like wait

do we have different voices for different animals? Yeah, buzzy. Which is. Because what's your cockatoo voice? Because the cockatoo is going to be, hello, Brianna. And I was like, hello, cocky. Hello, Brianna. Hello, cocky.

Nice boobs. Get them out. Get them out. You don't know what someone's taught this Airbnb cockatoo. Who knows? But I thought we could test it this afternoon with a game where I want people to call on 0800DIALZM and I want all different types of pet owners to call.

So cats, dogs, birds. I mean, if you talk to your sheep, absolutely. Goat. Horses, goats. Snakes. Fish. We'll take fish. You can't have snakes in New Zealand.

No, no snakes. Fish. But I want you to call if you've got any of those pets. Any pigs? Yeah. 0800 dial ZM. Rabbits. And what they're going to do is, Clint, they're going to talk to us like they talk to their pet.

And we're going to try and guess what pet they have. Fantastic. I love this. We're going to test it out. The theory. Do you talk to different animals differently? Bonus points if your cockatoo will abuse us.

Bree and Clint. I had a brainwave last night. I was at a friend's house and they've got a cat and one of my friends started talking to the cat and he did the typical high pitch kind of voice that we all just do when we're talking to our animals.

Yeah. We naturally just go into this higher pitch. And all the language gets cuter as well. Go on, sit. Sit down. Come on, sit. Roll over. You know what I mean?

You want some food? Come on, you want some food? You want some food, Bowie? You want some food? Well, see, it's weird. I just thought about talking to a cat and I, in my brain, spoke a little bit differently to how I speak to a dog. And that's the experiment we're running here, right?

Exactly. That's the experiment we're going to run this afternoon. We've asked you to call on 0800-DIAL-ZM. You're going to talk to us like you talk to your pet, and then we're going to try and guess, based on how you're talking, what type of animal it is. Welcome to the game, Kristen. Hi, Kristen.

Hey there. All right. Let's hear it. Sorry, I didn't start. No, that's okay. Give us your best. Yeah, here we go. Hey, mate.

How you doing there, baby? You want to cuddle? Can you have a cuddle? Do you want to be picked up? That's a cat. Give me my mate. That's a cat. She's talking to a cat.

You reckon? Yeah. Okay. I'll go with you then, a cat. That's a cat. She's talking to a cat. You reckon? Yeah. Okay. I'll go with you then, a cat. Are you talking to a cat? Yeah, he's peering into the speaker. Yay!

What's his name? Kelso. Oh, hi, Kelso. I could tell it was a cat because of the cuddles and the pick up, but it's not generally dog language. Some of the phrasing gave it away. Try and keep not generally dog language. They kind of gave it away a little bit. Try and keep it generic. Stacey, hi. Hi, how are you? Good, thank you. We'd love to hear

how you talk to your animal. Okay, so I go over and I go, Albie, you alright fat head? And he looks around and he comes running over to me quite happy. Give us one more. Yeah. I go,

Albie, you alright, fat head? And he comes running over. It's a bit harder because she's got an English accent. Albie, you alright, fat head? I reckon cat. I think cow. Do you think? No. It's cow or sheep. It's not a cow. It's cow or sheep. It's not a cow.

It's cow or sheep. But if you want to go cat, I'll go cat. I'm going to say cat. Okay. Is it a cat, Stacey? It's not. It's a horse. It's a horse.

You were close. It's a horse. Oh, okay. Fathead. I knew it was something in a paddock again because it came running over. Yeah. Okay. Olivia, hi. Hey, how's it going? Good, thank you. We're ready to hear how you talk to. Yeah. Okay. Olivia, hi. Hey, how's it going?

Good, thank you. We're ready to hear how you talk to your animal. Okay. Here it goes. Hey, Gary. How you doing? You doing a pet? Yeah.

It's a dog. It's a dog? It's a dog. Small dog. Yep, dog. Is that a dog? No. Oh.

What is it? A bird. Oh. You is it? A bird. Oh. You give birds pets. I was going to say, you're petting a bird. He doesn't like scratches. He doesn't like scratches. Okay, what sort of bird?

Rainbow lorikeet. Oh, that's cool. Beautiful bird. Okay, thank you. A couple more. Rose, hi. Hey, how's it going? Good, thanks, Rose.

Let's see how you talk to your pet. All right. Come on, guys. Let's see how you talk to your pet. All right. Come on, guys. Come on. Come on. Cows. Come on. Come on.

Because that's how we talk to our cows back home. Can I hear it one more time? Come on, guys. Come on. Are you making your voice vibrate? I don't think so. I think it's the phone line. I think it's the phone line.

Do you think it's a cow? I'll go with you. That's got to be it. It's a cow or a horse. Is it a cow? No. No. What is it?

A herd of young horses. Yeah. Cow, horse. Okay, sweet. Come on, come on. We've got a couple of these, right? We'll try one more time with Janelle. Janelle, talk to us like you talk to your animal.

All right. This is going to be so embarrassing. Hey, little boys. How are you going? How are you going? Are you hungry? Are you hungry? Do you want some food?

Do you want some water? Okay. Janelle, I love it. We have a group of little boys. Surely dogs. Little boys. Oh, no, maybe two. There's four of them. Surely dogs. Little boys. Oh, no, maybe two. There's four of them.

There's four of them. Four, okay. If you've got four, they've got to be small. So I'm going to say guinea pig. You reckon? Yeah, I reckon she's got four little male guinea pigs. So they can't, she's got males so that they can't breed. I'm picturing like four pugs.

Like little pug dogs. Can we hedge our bets on this one? Is that a pug dog or a guinea pig? Um, no. They're little rats. You were actually way better than me. I think I got every single one wrong. Because they're so small.

Oh, come on, little boys. Thanks, Janelle. That was fun. There you go. You do talk differently to different animals. You're right. Yes, and we can't tell the difference. Our highly unscientific experiment. The New Zealand International Comedy

Festival is back for 2020 and we couldn't get Bree into it. They said no, but that's okay. I've organised the next best thing and tonight is Bree's Killer Comedy Set. It's okay. I've organized the next best thing. And tonight is... So this is a warm-up to the warm-ups. Yeah, I guess. Whatever it is, you're the headline act.

And it's tonight and I know you're nervous. It's moments like this where you need professional help. So me being a good promoter... Yes, have you got a psychologist on the phone? No, not a psychologist. No. But as a quality promoter slash manager slash friend, I've organized you some professional advice

from professional comedian and guy who used to be on television, Guy Williams. Hey, better time. Hello, how's it going? Good, Guy. How are you, man? You could not get a worse person to give you advice. I'll tell you how my career is going.

I'm doing a gig tonight in Dargaville. Dargaville is lovely. Hey, I'm performing at a funeral home. Hey, tough luck, mate. Tough luck. Things aren't bad for me. I'm getting heckled by kids on the street. I had literally a kid the other day go, you're from Jono and Ben.

And I'm like, no, that show is cancelled. I'm from New Zealand today. A new show which was also cancelled. You know who else was heckling you that we saw last week? We met your dad in Ponsonby and we asked him how you were and he was like, I don't know, his career's in the

toilet. Look, as a new promoter and manager and friend friend i have to pull on the relationships that i have at the moment and one relationship that i still have is with guy so guy you're here to give brie comedy advice um yeah and what actually i really need this yeah what is the advice my advice is start strong okay and finish strong cool. And then everything else in the middle. Also a little bit strong. A little bit strong as well.

All strong all the way through. All strong all the way through. Yeah, cool. No, I've actually got some genuine advice, which is the audience smells fear. It's a little bit like a dog. If you're afraid of dogs, it kind of like be kind of aggressive towards you. You've got to be calm. Yeah.

And it's same with an audience. As long as you can confidently talk for the duration you're doing, it can't go wrong, really. It can't go wrong. So you're saying I just need to go out with confidence, and by that you mean I need to go out very drunk. No, no, no. You've got to be self-belief is what I'm trying to say.

Right. That's a bad idea. I think I can't go wrong. Yeah, I have another name for self-belief is what I'm trying to say. That's a bad idea. I think I can't go wrong. Yeah, I have another name for self-belief. It's vodka. Yeah, okay. Hey, look, mate, if these are your jokes, this gig is going to be a rough time for you.

The way I interpret Guy's advice is if you, because you're looking at it positively, to look at it negatively, if you're not confident, the audience is going to turn on you and attack you. Right, so this is the time to really fake it till you make it. Yeah. Is that right, Guy? Yeah, absolutely.

People always go, oh, what if no one laughs? Who gives a crap? It doesn't matter. People pay at the start of the show, not at the end. No, actually, this gig's for free, so. Okay, all right. Well, that's still fine. It can't go wrong.

And what if no one laughs at the whole set? Who cares? Just pull out a projector screen and pretend it's a TED Talk. Be like, I'm not even here to be funny. This is just a lecture that I'm holding at this funeral. Yeah, just pretend that. Okay, good idea. It's easy.

Fake it till you make it. Good idea. All right, that's high-shelf, top-quality advice from New Zealand's former leading television comedian, Guy Williams. Thank you for joining us on the show. Have a nice gig in Dargaville. Good luck, Bree. You're going to smash it, mate.

Tell your dad we said hello, okay? Okay, I will. Bree's performing tonight at Davies Funeral Home on Dominion Road. There's still some space. If you want to come, you can text Bree to 9696. It starts at 7.30. It's BYO Coffin. Brie and Clint.

Guys, hold on to your seats because I'm about to tell you something that'll change your world. Okay, I'm holding on. I have officially located the best cafe in the whole world. Right. You know how you read those things where it's like best coffee in the world, best eggs benny in the world. This is the – Best ham and chicken panini in the world.

Yeah, in the world. This is the best cafe in the world. Okay. And it's actually from somewhere where I lived for a long time, Brisbane, Australia. Ah, the Hamilton of Australia. You stopped that stuff. Anyway, the reason it is the best cafe in the world is because it is a dog cafe.

What makes a cafe a dog cafe? I thought all cafes were dog cafes. You've heard of a cat cafe? Yeah. Where you go to the cafe and there's cats there that you can play with and you pet them. Yeah. This is the dog version

of that. Okay. Have you ever heard of that before? Oh, right, right, right. Because I'm thinking most cafes have dogs at them but they're not yours. Right, they're not yours. But they're BYO dogs. Exactly. This is one where the dogs are provided. Yes. Have you ever heard of that? No, never heard of it.

How did we not come up with this? Few questions. How are the dogs? How are? How are the dogs? They're really well looked after. The owner is actually an ex-vet nurse. Oh, okay, that's good.

Yeah. And they're all, I think most of them are puppies. Oh, yeah, or even better. I know, and they're trying to rehome them. Oh are puppies. Oh, yeah. Or even better. I know. And they're trying to rehome them. Oh, so you can take a dog home with you. I'm pretty sure, yeah. That's genius.

That's very genius, isn't it? Yeah. So it's in a place called Sanford in Brisbane. And the story's quite interesting because the cafe opened as a normal cafe. It wasn't a dog cafe. And it wasn't doing any business. No. They're like, what's missing?

What's missing? Can we add? No, so apparently the owner said at the time she had a litter of puppies at home. And when they first opened the cafe, obviously super busy. So she decided, you know, she'd start bringing the puppies into work so she could keep an eye on them and that they had company. And she said it was such a big hit with the customers. She decided to put those puppies to work.

She goes, wait a minute. Yeah. I can turn this into a business. Stupid puppies have been getting a free ride up until now. Yeah, about time. Well, not now. You're all coming to work in the cafe. I'm putting you to work early.

Yeah, right. 11 weeks old and older. What's the name of the dog cafe? I didn't look into that. Yeah, good research, mate. Bree and Clint. What's the name of the dog cafe? I didn't look into that. Good research mate. Brie and Clint. Once upon a time there was a girl. She was

smart, debatable, talented, athletic. Not really. Picking a movie based on just the plot line? That she can do. Brie and Clint's What The Plot.

Brie knows movies and we think she doesn't. She hasn't lost this game for seven weeks and that's why we're playing for a jackpotted $350 of mobile fuel. That is a decent amount and I want to continue my run. I want to see if I can get to $1,000. Do the mobile fuel company, the sponsors of this show, know that we're not giving away any of their product? No, but we're jackpotting it where someone will win a good amount.

Maybe it's you, Lauren. Welcome to the show. Hello, Loz. Hi. I've got three movies. This week, the theme, because tonight Brie does her killer comedy set, all movies starring stand-up comedians. Right, okay.

Okay? If you think you know what it is, buzz in with your name. Don't let me finish the plot, okay? Buzz in when you know. Okay. Here we go. Here we go. Movie plot number one.

Ever since her father drilled into her head that monogamy is not realistic. Lauren. Lauren. Oh, shit. It's only through the one. Oh, crap. I know it. Yeah, I think Lauren might have just given you a leg up there.

Give her a countdown. Go on, Lauren. Five. Oh, five? I never get five. I get from three. Sorry, mate. Five. Oh, five? I never get five. I get from three. Sorry, mate. What is it, Bree?

Train wreck. Train wreck's correct. You knew it, Lauren. You knew it. It's good. Don't lose that confidence. You got in there quick. That's what you've got to do.

I never remember the name of that film either, Lauren, for some reason. Well, you just did. I think you gave me a hint. It's because you went, oh, it's Amy Schumer. Okay, so careful with the clues you give reason. Well, you just said. I think you gave me a hint. It's because you went, oh, it's Amy Schumer. Yeah. Okay, so careful with the clues you give out.

Here comes movie number two. You need this, Lauren, just to stay in the game. Yep. Henry is a vet and he falls in love with Lucy. Lucy suffers

from short-term memory loss. Bree! Oh, Lauren. Bree. 50 first dates. Lucy suffers from short-term memory loss. Brie! Oh, Lauren. Brie. 50 first dates. Correct. That's it. That's the end of the game.

I'm sorry, Lauren. Sorry, Lauren. That's okay. You knew that one too, didn't you? I did. Yeah, absolutely. Such a good movie. Okay.

Well, next week we'll play for $400 worth of mobile fuel. I'm on my way to $1,000, baby. I'd love to go away with $1,000 of fuel. That'd be great. That would be cool. Let's talk reality TV for a minute. Yeah, right. What trash-ass shows are you watching?

I watched the episode that went to air here in New Zealand of Married at First Sight last night. What is going on? So I've watched none of that season. This is my peaceful protest against how awful I think that show is. God, it's terrible. But I watched that one and I'm glad I did because holy hecka, what

is going on with those people? It was honestly some hectic television. The main thing I guess that happened, because I mean they've all done the cheating thing on Married at First Sight. We've seen it before. It's horrible. It's so passe now. It's so terrible. It's just a thing to do all done the cheating thing on Married at First Sight. We've seen it before. It's horrible. It's so pesado. It's so terrible.

We've never seen on Married at First Sight one of the grooms take a toothbrush, rub it in the toilet and then put it back in one of the bride's rooms for her to use. Yeah, that was. It's rotten. So rotten. But it was interesting because I watched that episode and then straight after that I watched an episode of that Netflix show

that everyone's talking about, Love is Blind. I'm watching Love is Blind, yeah. Yeah, because Fletcher and Omega had a couple of, I think they had the couple we're about to talk about actually. Oh, yeah. I think they had them on the show this morning. Anyway, I was watching that show and they started talking about sharing toothbrushes.

Take a listen. What are your other pet peeves? Even though I love you, don't use my toothbrush. Some people do that. Do you do that? I mean, I wouldn't have a problem with it, but I'm not going to do it. Oh my God, honey. Are you for real? I mean, just. Have you shared a toothbrush with someone before? Yes, I've done it before. Oh, my God. As a married woman, I am willing to share a lot of things, but I'll be damned if we are sharing a toothbrush, Cameron.

That is nasty. Oh, you wait, lady. You wait. You wait till he puts it in the toilet. No, no, no, no, no. I was going to say, you wait until the two of you are on holiday overseas together. Someone forgets a toothbrush.

And you leave your toothbrush at the previous hotel and you can't get one. What are you going to do? Not brush your teeth? You're going to borrow his toothbrush. I don't see anything wrong with it. When it's an emergency like that, I don't mind sharing a toothbrush with my partner. I don't want my partner using it on the reg. I don't mind sharing a toothbrush with my partner. I don't want my partner using it

on the reg. I don't want them not buying a toothbrush because they're like, oh, you've got one. Let's just share it. Times are tight for me and my wife. We have one family toothbrush. No, you don't. No, we don't. Can you imagine though? That would be very strange. I can understand if you have one family

electric toothbrush but multiple heads. Yeah, that's different. That's very different. That's very different. Have you shared a partner's toothbrush? In theory, you say you'll do it. Have you used your partner's toothbrush? Yeah. I dated this guy once where I used his toothbrush multiple times

when I'd stay over at his house, but he never knew about it. Oh, yeah. And then I accidentally let it slip one time and he was mortified. Yeah, don't you do a non-consensual toothbrush. I mean, you know, what you don't know won't hurt you. What he's not realising in that situation while he's angry is it's the ultimate compliment. Exactly.

I agree. You think so highly of him. Yep, I agree with that. That you'll stick his toothbrush in your own mouth. Or you think so little of him that you will stick his toothbrush in your own mouth. There's two ways to look at it. No, I take it as a compliment.

If someone wants to use my toothbrush, I'm like, oh, you think I'm... Me, what if I wanted to use your toothbrush? Me and you who are not currently sharing saliva, what if I wanted to borrow your toothbrush? No, I think that's a no. Yeah, right? Yeah, you would say no too.

I'd say no too. It's such an intimate thing. It is very intimate. But, I mean, if you're already sharing saliva, then just go nuts. Not all the time. Don't go nuts. Actually, I take that back.

You and I are on the same page, but there'll be people sitting in their cars right now going, I used to like this show. I used to think they were relatively stable people. But that's off. Yeah. Should we do a quick like a Brian Clint snap poll? Snap poll.

You're keen for a snap poll. Yeah, let's do a snap poll. Call now. 0800-DIALS-NM. Quick snap poll. Is it okay to share your partner's toothbrush? Passionate contributors from both sides of the bathroom. We want them all.

0800-DIALS-NM. You can also text your opinion to 9696. That's right. Do it now. We'll do the snap poll next. Brian Clint. We are running a snap poll. Bree and Clint's snap poll.

A lot of toothbrush chat on reality TV at the moment. I mean, we saw it on Maths in the toilet bowl. And then Love is Blind, the show on Netflix at the moment, they got into a deep chat about whether or not they share their toothbrush. Bree and I can agree that it's okay to occasionally share a toothbrush with a partner. Emergencies or, you know, when they just forget. I don't see the big problem. Reality check, though.

Let's go and take the temperature of the country. Jack, welcome to the Snap Poll. Hello, Jack. Yo. What are your thoughts? It's all good if they forget it, but, like, not just on the daily. Okay. Otherwise, that's a bit weird. Yeah, Jack. Yo. What are your thoughts? It's all good if they forget it, but not just on the daily. Okay. Otherwise it's a bit weird.

Yeah, right. Emergency situations. He's with us. Yeah. How often's too often, Jack? Every day. Every day. Okay.

Yeah, every day's too often. I agree. Jack's fine with alternate days. Jerry, welcome to the Snap Poll. Hello, Jerry. Hey, how's it going? Good. What are your thoughts on sharing a toothbrush Hello, Jerry. Hey, how's it going? Good. What are your thoughts on sharing a toothbrush with a partner?

I think it's all right. Occasionally. Perfect. That's all we need. That's two for us. If you're fine with it once, you're fine with it. Absolutely. I think that's what it is.

Because if you were anti it, you'd go, uh-uh-uh, not once, not ever. Rhys, welcome to the Snap Poll. Hello, Rhys. Hi. I agree with you guys. It's fine to share a toothbrush because you're kind of cleaning your mouth with the toothbrush. So wouldn't the toothbrush be clean so then someone else could use it?

Right. Not your mum or dad or anything. That would be bloody weird. It's like the whole towel situation. When you get out of the shower, you dry yourself with the towel. Is that towel clean or dirty? I see the question you're proposing. So some people would argue that you're scraping all the dirtiness off.

And it gets stuck in the bristles. Which is a disgusting way to think about someone else's toothbrush as you go to put it in your mouth. But I mean, Rhys, so long as you're using toothpaste and you're giving it a good rinse, it should be okay, right? You're scrubbing all the bits off your tongue. Exactly. You know, rinse it off and you're finished. So for the record, are you, yes,

it's okay to share your partner's toothbrush? Yeah, occasionally. Damn, we are really... On the text machine, can I say, there is a lot of absolutely nots. Okay. No one. People are like, no, absolutely no way.

Well, we're heading towards a landslide victory in the phones. Cameron, welcome to the Snap Poll. Hi, Cam. Hey, how you going? Good. A lot of guys calling through on this, which is interesting. Cameron, I come to your house and you and I have just watched a

lovely Netflix and you go, hey, why don't you stay? And I go, I don't have a toothbrush, Cameron. And then Cam goes, Clint, why are you at my house? And I'll say, Cameron, because we're in a relationship. Can I borrow your toothbrush, Cameron? I'm going to have to look and absolutely not.

There we go. Absolutely not. Why, Cam? Well, I don't think it's just saliva that you're cleaning. I think it's, yeah,

the gross bits of food that are stuck in your teeth and the grime that's on your teeth and nothing. But Cam, you also know in a relationship

other places your mouth goes with your partner. Oh, yeah, yeah, I do understand that. But it's just too much to think about sharing a toothbrush. Yeah, no, a toothbrush is just a definite no. That's fine, we're not here to change your mind. Like I said, we're just taking the temperature of the country. Cam is our no.

3-1. This can't change the balance, but let's go to Lucy anyway. Hi, Lucy. Hi, Lucy. Hi, how are you? Good. What are your thoughts on this, sharing a toothbrush? I think it's absolutely fine, 100% fine.

You've done it before? Done it before. And you'd do it again? I would do it. I'm not talking every day, but I'm saying, oh, it's fine. I mean, you're passionate to each other anyway. It's absolutely fine. Is there a moment in the relationship where it's too soon, Lucy?

Um, oh, I don't know. Maybe, but I think it's pretty intimate. If you're at that level, it's not fine. Yeah, if it's early in the relationship, you just use it and don't tell them. Yeah, right. You just go to the bathroom and you come back with fresh breath. And they're like, how did you do that? And you go, use my finger.

Use my finger. Okay, thanks, Lucy. Appreciate it. Thanks, Lucy. There you go. Snap hole results. Lucy. Appreciate it. Thanks, Lucy. There you go. Snap hole results. Use whatever toothbrush you want. Bree and Clint.

Hey. It's my birthday. It's my birthday. Bree and Clint's birthday banger. This is the time of the show where we take your birthdays and we figure out what was number one on each of your 16th birthdays. Hey, Katie. Hi, how are you? Hi, how are you?

Good, how are you? Good, thank you. All right, Katie, let's figure out your birthday banger. What's your birthday? The 13th of March, 1993. All right, you were 16 in 2009 on the 13th of March, and back in the late 2000s, is that what they're called? Yeah, late 2000s.

This was number one. You're asking if the 2000s were called the 2000s? So when they went into, like, what was the last period we just had? 2010s. The 2010s, right. So it was the 2000s, the noughties? Yeah, or the 2000s. Or the 2000s.

Yeah. Just checking. We're all on the same page.? Yeah, or the 2000s. Or the 2000s. Yeah. Just checking. We're all on the same page. Either way, it's Flowrider right round. Do you feel good about that, Katie? Oh, I'm pretty happy with that one. Pretty big. I'm happy for that song, quite fondly.

Pretty big tune, and Kesha's actually on that song. What were the 2000s called? The noughties. Overheard on the Bree and Clint show. Hi, Abby. Hi, Abby. Hi. What's your birthday Abby?

14th of May 2002 Oh so you were only 16 a couple of years ago In 2018 on the 14th of May And in 2018 this went to number one Childish Gambino This is America Yeah this is a gangster song Do you like this track Abby? Yeah I really like that. This is America. Yeah, this is a gangster song. Do you like this track, Abby?

Yeah, I really like that song. This is a change. Incredible video for this too. Okay, wait there. We'll get one more for Sarah. Hey, Sarah. Hi, Sarah. Hi.

Now, I believe you're doing your mum's birthday banger today. Yep. Perfect. What's your mum's name? Felicity McKenzie. And what's her birthday, Sarah? 17th of August, 1973. All right.

She was 16 in 1989 on the 17th of August. And this is your mum's birthday banger. Oh, a bit of Madge. Madonna. This is such a good song. This is a great song, eh? Can I just do a litmus test here? Sarah, that's your mum's birthday banger. Can I just ask our producers,

who were too young to know who Moby is, have you guys heard this song before, this Madonna song? Have you heard this before? No, I haven't heard this one, no. You've never heard this? before, this Madonna song? Have you heard this before? No, I haven't heard this one, no. You've never heard this? But I know who Madonna is. Yeah, Ellie, do you? Well, that's a start.

Yes, I know the song. You don't know it? No. Do you not know it? No, I bet Sarah, who's doing it for her mum, would not know. No, she wouldn't know it, but I wouldn't hold it against her. That's okay. Yeah, sorry, team.

Right, okay. I love this song. So do I. It's very good Sounds fun It's probably one of my favourite Madonna songs I'd say God I hate being old enough that I'm now educating people about music Like I just

I never wanted to be that person You've been that person for a while No Screw you We're gonna play it Yeah we are Sarah this is for your mum She's one birthday banger, okay?

Let her know. One birthday banger. Yeah, nice. Thank you. You're welcome. Bree and Clint, here's some Madonna on ZM. Thank you. Fancy cars that go very fast You know they never last No, no

What you need is a big strong hand To lift you to your higher ground Make you feel like a queen on a throne Make you love you till you can't come down Don't go for second best, baby Put your love to the test You know, you know you've got to Make him express how he feels

And maybe then you'll know your love is real Long stem closes all the way to your heart But he needs to start with your head Bye. Love the best in life, so it's the time to hit ride and move on. Second best is never enough, you do much better, baby, on your own. Don't go for second best, baby, put your love to the test. You know, you know, you've got to Make him express how he feels And maybe then you'll know your love is real Express yourself You've got to make him express himself

Hey, hey, hey, hey So if you want it right now Make him show you how Express what he's got Oh, baby, ready or not. And when you're gone, he might regret it. If you're down for love, he won't try to carry on. But he just won't get it.

He'll be back on his knees to express himself. You've got to make him express himself Hey, hey Don't go for second best, baby Put your love to the test You know, you know you've got to Make him express how he feels And baby, then you know your love is real

Express yourself You've got to make it Express yourself Hey, hey, hey, hey So if you want it right now Make it show you how Express what it's got Be ready or not

Respect yourself Zeddy and Bree and Clint Respect yourself That's the winner of Birthday Banger for Sarah's mum, Felicity. You said it, Madge. Make it show you how Girl power, babes. Express what it's got Be ready or not Felicity. You said it, Madge. Girl power, babes.

Very, very old school track. Such a good track. Oh, this is great too. Every day we do Birthday Banger about 5.30. And we play some weird stuff because we don't know what's going to come up. It's whatever was number one on your 16th birthday. This is the song that Madonna was singing

when she hooked up with Britney and Christina. This song here? At the MTV Awards. Really? She was walking down as a groom down a wedding cake. I always feel bad that Christina Aguilera gets left out of that memory. She never gets put into it. People always share the picture of Madonna and Britney hooking up.

And I'm like, um, Christina was there too. She had sloppy seconds. Awkward third wheel. Just a sec. I wonder if Zedium as a radio station played this song when it came out. I'd say so. Or if it was too risque back in the day. Oh.

You know? Yeah. I hope they did. We have the chance as a country to name a major piece of public infrastructure. I love when they ask the people to do this stuff. Remember, that's how Bodie McBoatface got named. Yes, and some countries have gone away from it because of Boaty McBoatface. No, Boaty McBoatface is awesome.

They're like, people can't be trusted. You know they didn't call it Boaty McBoatface, eh? Yeah, well, see, why even put the competition out there? They called it the Sir Richard Attenborough. Oh. Hey, he deserves it. I love him, but not as good as Boaty. Imagine if he came out and he was like, call the boat, Boaty McBoatface.

That would be awesome. No, we have the chance, New Zealand, to name, and this is quite exciting, it's the last day to name it as well today, to name... the drill that is going to drill the hole for the new Auckland subway. It sounds boring, and it is. It is. It is literally a boring machine. It is a machine that's going to bore a hole under the city of Auckland.

A literal boring machine. Yeah, it is actually, isn't it? Yeah, it's exactly what it is. A boring machine. Oh, boring. Yeah, quite accurate. I like that. Can I give you the criteria to name this drill?

Yeah, what do they want out of the name? Because we've done some good ones before. We named that crane Richie McClure. Oh, yeah, that was good. That was good. The drill needs to be named after one of New Zealand's most inspiring women. Interesting. Why is that?

Because the boring machine is going to have a very... Oh, I see where this is going. Yeah, because it's a boring machine. No, I find you guys very exciting, actually. The boring machine will have a very forceful influence on the future of Auckland. Okay. And that's why they want to name it after a woman

who has had equally strong influence on our country. All right, so big, influential, powerful woman of New Zealand. A couple of suggestions out there already. Yes. These are on the table. After the famous squash player and former failed race relations minister Dame Susan Devoy, Subterranean Sue. Okay.

That's all right. That's okay. After our Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern named the boring machine Jacindiga. Very good. See, that one's in the lead for me. Close the competition. It's in the lead. Call it Jacindiga. Bree and I have been trying all afternoon to come up with alternatives.

Can I go first? Yeah, yeah, because I've got bugger all. Okay. I'm pretty proud of this one and maybe after I say it, I won't be. Okay, so it needs to be an influential New Zealand woman. Okay, so I thought influential woman, Hilary Barry. Yeah. But they'd call the digger Hil Hillary Burrowry.

I feel less bad about my one now. That's good. Oh, come on. No, no, because it's a stretch. It's a stretch. Mine was a stretch too. Hillary Burrowry. Burrow.

It's pretty good. Hillary Burrow. Burrowy. Burrowry. Burrowy. Pretty good. Burrowy. Come on. Yeah, I like it.

Yeah, it's good. It could be worse. Yeah, what else have you got? No, you go now. How many do you have? One. No, I've got two good. Burrow-ee. Come on. Yeah, I like it. Yeah, it's good. Could be worse. Yeah, what else have you got? No, you go now. How many do you have? One. No, I've got two actually. You've got two.

Okay, you go. I've got two, okay. So we all know who Art Green's married to? Yes, Matilda. Yeah, Matilda Rice. Yes. What about Madrilda? Madrilda Rice.

Very good. Very good. Because she's influential She's literally New Zealand's biggest influencer Yep And she's You know

She's on the Instagrams and the stuff She can post about it Madrilda Madrilda Rice That's good I like that I think it's Madrilda Green now actually

But yeah Yeah but still We'll take it Obviously First voted in Female Prime Minister of the country Helen Clark. This isn't very good.

What about Helen Cultivate? What's it cultivating? I mean, like... It's not cultivating anything. Isn't cultivating like where it like... No, you're thinking of ploughing, I think. Sorry, no. Yeah, cultivate where you like dig something up.

No, cultivate means to like grow. Like, no, no, sorry. Not all of them can be good. No. What else have you got? I've got one last one. Actually, I've got two more. All right, I'll do my last one.

My last one's not good. Okay. No, wait, I'll do one more and then you... Okay, all right. Susie one's not good. Okay. No, wait. I'll do one more and then you do it. Susie Cato. Yeah. Very influential. What about Susie Kaboom?

Why Kaboom? Because aren't they going to blow stuff up in the tunnel? No, it's a drilling machine. Oh. No. Yeah. Oh, I've got one more. Okay, I've got one more.

Yeah, right. I found this out today and I was so excited about it. Anna Paquin. Yeah, from True got one more. Yeah, right. I found this out today and I was so excited about it. Anna Paquin. Yeah, from True Blood. Yeah. Fly away home. Can't believe she's Kiwi. That's so cool. How about they name it after her and they call it Anna Plowquin?

You want to name the drill? You have until tonight, actually. It's the last day today. Plowquin, because it's Paquin, today plow quid because it's par quid but plow is there anything off lord lord dig Brie and Clint

the New Zealand International Comedy Festival is back for 2020 and we couldn't get Brie into it they said no but that's okay I've organised the next best thing and tonight is

Brie's Killer Comedy Set So this is a warm up to the warm ups Yeah I guess Whatever it is you're the headline act And it's tonight and I know you're nervous It's moments like this where you need professional help So me being a good promoter Yes have you got a psychologist on the phone?

No not a psychologist But as a quality promoter. Yes, have you got a psychologist on the phone? No, not a psychologist, no. But as a quality promoter slash manager slash friend, I've organized you some professional advice from professional comedian and guy who used to be on television, Guy Williams. Hey, better time. Hello, how's it going? Good, Guy. How are you, man?

You could not get a worse person to give you advice. I'll tell you how my career is going. I'm doing a gig tonight in Dargaville. Dargaville is lovely. Hey, I'm performing at a funeral home. Hey, tough luck, mate. Tough luck. Things aren't bad for me.

I'm getting heckled by kids on the street. I had literally a kid the other day go, you're from Jono and Ben. And I'm like, no, that show was cancelled. I'm from New Zealand today. A new show, which was also cancelled. You know who else was heckling you that we saw last week? We met your dad in Ponsonby and we asked him how you were and he was like, I don't know, his career's in the toilet.

Look, as a new promoter and manager and friend, I have to pull on the relationships that I have at the moment. And one relationship that I still have is with Guy. So, Guy, you're here to give Brie comedy advice. Yeah. Actually, I really need this. Yeah, what is the advice? My advice is start strong and finish strong.

Okay, cool. And then everything else in the middle? Also, middle bit strong. Middle bit. Little bit strong as well. All strong all the way through. All strong all the way through. Yeah, cool.

Cool. No, I've actually got some genuine advice. Yeah. Which is the audience smells fear. It's a little bit like a dog. If you're afraid of dogs, it kind of like be kind of aggressive towards you. You've got to be calm. Yeah.

And it's same with an audience. As long as you can confidently talk for the duration you're doing, it can't go wrong, really. It can't go wrong. So you're saying I just need to go out with confidence, and by that you mean I need to go out very drunk. No, no, no. You've got to be self-belief is what I'm trying to say.

That's a bad idea. It can't go wrong. Yeah, I have another name for self-belief is what I'm trying to say. Right. That's a bad idea. I think I can't go wrong. Yeah, I have another name for self-belief. It's vodka. Yeah, okay. Hey, look, mate, if these are your jokes, this gig is going to be a rough time for you. The way I interpret Guy's advice is if you,

because you're looking at it positively, to look at it negatively, if you're not confident, the audience is going to turn on you and attack you. Right. So this is the time to really fake it till you make it. Yeah. Is that right, Guy? Yeah, absolutely.

Like, people always go, oh, what if no one laughs? Who gives a crap? It doesn't matter. People pay at the start of the show, not at the end. No, actually, this gig's for free, so. Okay. All right. Well, that's still fine.

It can't go wrong. And what if no one laughs the whole set? Who cares? Just pull out a projector screen and pretend it's a TED Talk. Be like, I'm not even here to be funny.

This is just a lecture that I'm holding at this funeral home. Yeah, yeah, cool. Just pretend that, yeah. Okay, good idea. It's easy. Fake it till you make it.

Good idea. All right, that's high shelf, top quality advice from New Zealand's former leading television comedian, Guy Williams. Thank you for joining us on the show. Have a nice gig in Dargaville.

Good luck, Bree. You're going to smash it, mate. Tell your dad we said hello, okay? Okay, I will. Bree's performing tonight at Davies Funeral Home on Dominion Road. There's still some space if you want to come, you can text Bree to 9696. It starts at 7.30 It's BYO Coffin

Last night We were in Tauranga And you dropped me home After we got back From the airport Yes And I was sitting Out on my balcony

And I saw something A little bit strange Or maybe I'm the strange one Okay So I want to get your guys Take on it to figure it out if I'm strange or if the girl that I saw doing something weird is strange.

Okay, tell me what you saw. So there was a girl running. She was in full running gear. So I knew that she was going for a legit jog. Not true. She could have been going to a cafe. Well, that's true. These days.

I mean, you know, active wear is suitable. It's great for giving off an active look. Yeah, and I am all for people wearing active wear whenever they like. But she was definitely obviously exercising. She was running and in quite a fast sprint, like quite a fast jog. Good for her. And she was also at the same time on the phone having a full-blown conversation.

Okay. And as I watched her, because I could see her for quite a long time, I kind of could overhear her because she was talking quite loud. Yeah. And it was talking quite loud. Yeah. And it was a business call. Yeah. Am I the weird one? Okay, cool.

No, I was just trying to get all the information. I need to know, was she holding the phone to her ear or was she wearing ear pods or Galaxy Buds or something? She was holding the phone to her ear. Yeah, okay, that's weird. Because, because, because. But wait, does it make it not weird if she had headphones in? Yeah, it makes it boss.

Like, if you're fit enough to run at full pace and also conduct a high-powered business phone meeting at the same time. I literally was thinking that. I was like, who can do those two things at once? You're one of those super rare people. I bet she sleeps for four hours a night. I bet she's one of those people. Gets up at like three in the morning and starts her day.

Yeah, and there's a high possibility that she's not wearing her wireless headphones because they've run out of power because she's taken so many phone calls today. But holding your phone to your ear, yeah, that's weird. Because it gets sweaty. It gets sweaty. It would bounce away from you. You'd be constantly trying to get the airbeats back up to your ear. She was full going for it, full running, not even a brisk walk.

It was full on sprint. And I was like, that is impressive. Actually, you know who we should ask? The person on this show who started running in 150 metre bursts at a time. That's right, yeah. Producer Ellie, you're our current middle distance runner on the show. I wouldn't call it a middle distance. Yes, no, I'm quite good.

No, it's a middle distance because she runs the distance between power poles. Oh, yeah. Yeah. No, it's a good strategy, yeah. Would you guys do that? Would you take a phone call and have a full conversation? I wouldn't be able to because I'd be like. Me too.

I'm dying when I'm like doing a brisk walk and I'm like talking. Yeah, but not everybody is like that. Like there's people who can literally run marathons. What are you trying to say? Like I'm saying not us, but there are people out there who can still run and breathe. Like I've seen Liz Mills do a full body jam class and not be sweaty. Whereas I look like I'm a melting witch who's been left out in the sunshine.

Who are those people that don't sweat? You know who is one of those people and I've always said he's an alien is Roger Federer. Have you ever noticed? Roger Federer can play a five set four hour match, does not sweat. I hear he can do it

while taking a phone call. I reckon he could. Because it's 6.30, I feel like we can talk about some stuff we usually wouldn't. It's almost 6.30, but yeah, sure thing. You know, like some black market chat? Okay, black market chat. Yeah, right. What are you selling?

I'm thinking... Are you selling or buying? Bit of both. I'm thinking like let's talk about. Are you selling or buying? Bit of both. Bit of both. Okay. Yeah, why not? I'm talking about schoolyard black market. Oh, okay. What's schoolyard black market?

You know like when you're at school, what did you used to sell? Oh. Technically. Okay. All right. I thought you were talking about selling things to kids at school. I was like, yo, dog, it might be almost 6.30. No, that's 7.30, Chad.

That just happens on the ZM chat with Cam Manson. Yeah, right. He's pimping out cheap iPads on there. No, there's a thread that's going viral at the moment, and it was asking people what they used to sell technically on the black market at school. Yeah, okay, I'm keen for this because I did some of this myself. Yeah.

Did you? Did you actually? What did you sell? We ran an illegal energy drink selling ring. Oh, yep. We would buy cans of Dirty Dog energy drink from Pack and Save, buy the tray for a dollar and sell it at school for $2.50. Yeah.

Yeah. See, that's smart. No one wanted it because they'd rather drink V. Oh. But, you know, we made a few sales. We broke even. So did you end up going to the V or you just stayed with Dirty Dog? No, because we couldn't get they'd rather drink V. But, you know, we made a few sales. We broke even. So did you end up going to the V? No, because we couldn't get a good deal on V.

Oh, right. People are like, if I want to. There was no money to be made. There's no money. There's no margin. Yeah. Well, maybe this will give, you know, maybe you some more ideas, even though you're definitely not going back to school anytime soon.

But these are some really good ideas about what people used to sell on the black market at school. The first one, someone, they wrote on the thread, I used to glue two five-cent pieces together and then I would paint them gold. It looked like $2, so I'd sell them for $1 at school. Genius. Straight into the vending machine. Yep.

Boom. Someone else said, oh, this one's quite creative. I sold memberships to a club to basically hang out with me in the playground. It got exposed when kids went home asking for money from their parents. My mum wasn't happy. That's a great racket. If you're cool enough to charge attendance, you set up a little VIP area in the middle of the playground.

You want to come into the VIP playground area? Yeah, yeah. I'll be there. I'll be doing selfies. Yeah. That's great. Boom. That's a future Kardashian.

Isn't it? Yeah. Someone else said, me and my friends used to do hair wraps in people's hair for 50 cents. That's good. That's wholesome. You know, starting a trade. Yeah, that's fine. Yeah, why not?

Someone else said, this is pretty good. I used to steal lemons from my neighborhood yard's lemon tree and make lemonade to sell out the front of our house. They never suspected a thing. Who's buying this bootleg kid lemonade? People buy it. It's cute. No, they don't.

It's cute. We've got Sprite. I don't want your cup of watery lemon juice. Yeah, but it's not made with love like these kids are making. No, it's made in a sanitary environment. Anyway. Someone else said, me and my friends started a money tree. We dug a hole and we planted some money.

We didn't have enough money, so we asked other people, other kids, to invest. Turns out it didn't grow, so we took all the money and bought ourselves a slushie every Friday for the rest of the year. That is like an underage Ponzi scheme. Isn't it? That's so good. And then when people ask you about it, you're like, oh, no, nothing yet. Not this season.

But we're hopeful. Yeah. Yeah, we're hopeful. Yeah. Someone else said, in primary school, I sold tiny laptops made out of folded paper. They were pretty detailed and in high demand. Cute.

But also a scam. No. We all know that paper doesn't work as a laptop. How are you going to connect to the Wi-Fi? You know? Yeah, right. Not a scam artist. Whatever you're running, I think a teacher,

as long as you're not breaking any laws, if a teacher doesn't look at you and go, this is good entrepreneurial skills for the future, they're a bad teacher. Yeah, well, this next one, the last one I'm going to read out, someone said, in my feral high school kid days, we used to cut up grass from the oval and sell it as weed. Yeah, that's good.

That sounds like a kid who went to school and rode a rural with me. Zedding, Spree and Clint. The podcast with mobile smiles. Register, fill up, redeem points for rewards. Easy. me.