ZM's Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley - Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley Podcast - 14th December 2022

Episode Date: December 13, 2022

Ugly Pet Adoption  Dating Wrapped  Ice Cream Index!  When did you get hit with the receipts?  Vaughans Crap Day  Silly Little Poll!  Fact of the Day Day Day Day Daaaaay!See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

The ZM Podcast Network. Play ZM's Fletch, Vaughan and Hayley. Hello, welcome to the Fletch, Vaughan and Hayley podcast. It's thanks to McCafe. Try Barista Made iced coffees available now at your local McCafe. Let me just look at the temperature, 18 degrees right now as we record this. It's warm but it's wet. Producer Jared, is that why you're wearing mittens?

Look, he's wearing mittens. Are you cold? They're a full glove. They're a full glove. It's December. What's happening in there? Yeah, I stepped outside for a quick vape and it's quite chilly and wet out there and then the studio's a bit nippy too because of the air con. It's chilly, it's 18 degrees.

This kid feels the cold. Yeah. There's not much on me. He doesn't have a lot of meat on him, does he? Yeah, that's why I'm sweating. How are your cheeks feeling? They're all right. Well, the vape warms those. The bubble gum warms up the cheeks.

I didn't even know you were going to bring that up. Purely coincidental. I just saw, I've been seeing a lot of this, the mention of this buccal fat. Buccal fat? Somebody summed it up beautifully in a tweet saying, there I was learning to love myself and feeling okay with myself, and now I'm learning that buccal fat's a thing. What's buccal fat?

It's the fat in your cheeks that makes you look jolly. Do you know some people smile and they get that nice like cheek line under the cheek? I get that. Yeah, you got the cheek. Yours goes like that. Do I have one? Yours, you got a little bit up here. Oh, my God.

But you know like Santa, when Santa smiles and it's got the big cheeks. Apple cheeks. The big apple cheeks. So it's that fat in there. Wait a minute. Are you calling me fat? Do I have a fat face? Yeah, you've got a big fat face.

So apparently getting that removed to get a more defined jawbone and a thinner cheek is like the next thing. Removed? Just stopping so stupid. Don't be silly. That's the best sort of fat. It's cute, but dudes. And then there's articles.

I just Googled buccal fat because I'd never heard of it. And then facial fat is precious. Why your plastic surgeon shouldn't be removing it And then the next one is buccal fat removal What is it? Recovery and before and after Just leave your fucking face alone please Yeah

It's a beautiful face It's the one you've got Did you guys notice what I did to my face this morning? Did you finally get Botox? No she's got big pimple I've got big pimple and I put a pimple patch on Wait is that a sticky plaster? Yeah, it's like a little dot and it's supposed to

help suck out the bits because it's one of those under skins. I don't think you should put a... You were talking about this yesterday when we were leaving, you said you got an under skin pimple. It's sore and I keep knocking it and being like, ow! So I've got a pimple patch on. Is it a good idea to use a pimple patch? Yeah. Like, surely you should let it breathe, right? No, no,

no, if you pull it off... It's not a kitten. I slept in it. So you you should let it breathe, right? No, no, no. If you pull it off... It's not a kitten. I slept in it. You're not smothering a kitten. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But wouldn't you be best to, like, get a big dob of alcohol and just dry that bastard out? Yeah, I know, but I've got very sensitive skin.

Anytime I use those alcohol little pimple things, my whole face just burns. But your body's not sensitive to alcohol. It's almost immune to it. No, not alcohol. Just the skin. What could you just put a bit of Midori on there or

something? Yeah. I think I've got some Kahlua. What does it look like under the plaster? Is it real red? Egg and red.

I couldn't even notice that you were wearing a plaster. It just maybe looks like a dob of makeup or something. It's sore. Yeah, right.

Other words. Thoughts and prayers. Oh oh my god thank you so much oh my god it's healing oh my god it's healing can you feel it keep more more more oh my god guys it's gone the power of jesus i was about to um devolve for the fourth time into something because we record the intro to the podcast after the show but then i feel like it will spoil the show what happens in the show. Are we calling it a new segment? A new feature?

It may be a new segment or feature. The wheels are suddenly coming off this close to Christmas. Good Lord. How many shows left? Seven shows after this podcast. Seven shows for the year. Don't get the wrong idea. Eye drops.

Eye drops. Eye drops. Eye drops. Please don't get the idea that we don't like being here. Eye drops. Eye drops. Eye drops. Eye drops. Please don't get the idea that we don't like being here chatting to you. We do. We do very much.

Jared, you just unsent a message. Was that another message meant for your girl? He does this all the time if you notice. He'll be sending the midi something.

Dick pic. No, I put some pimple advice through and then Carwen told me it was very wrong and don't do that. What was the advice, Carwen? What was the advice?

To use toothpaste on your pimples? No, no, no, no, no, no. Oh my God, what are you, fucking 10 in the 90s? No, but exactly. It worked when we were teenagers, but I have the result of some brutal scars because of that. Yeah, yeah, and you can't do that. You've just got to put the pimple patch on, let it do its thing.

Yeah. Where do you get a pimple patch from? I got mine from a Korean skincare place. They're everywhere. Go on. North or south? Oh my god, your eyeballs are leaking. Which Korean nation does better?

Haikoku. That sounds North Korean. Now, do they do fried chicken as well? You're looking at me with the leakiest eyes. No, they don't do fried chicken, but god, I love Korean fried chicken. Because Koreans, when it comes to chicken. Oh, they know their chicken. They know their chicken.

And they know their acne. Do they? Okay, right. Oh, yeah, baby. Yeah. I've never seen a pimple on a K-pop singer. No, you haven't. Ever.

Because they've got the best skin. They've got the best skin. They do. Okay. Yeah, generally I get them on my chin, but good Lord. It's right on the cheeks. Have you thought about a whole bag over your face? It's a throbber.

Yeah, I was going to get a paper bag. Just poke holes in it? Yeah, I'm so sorry you guys had to look at that. All day. That's okay. Just don't do it again. In fact, you know what? Until you mentioned it now, I hadn't even noticed.

Wow. Feminist. That's a real friend. Thank you. A friend and a feminist. Ally. I had. Has my eye stopped leaking? You've got leaky eyeballs. I've got a feminist. I had. Has my eye stopped leaking?

You've got leaky eyeballs. I've got a spotty face. I'm on the roids. These are roid steroid eye drops. Should we put some on my pimple? See what happens. Wow, I mean, are you sure? He doesn't want to share his roids with me. You don't want your balls to shrivel up though.

That's what happens when you get on the roids. I pride myself in my big juicy balls. So you're right. I won't touch this stuff. Play ZM's Fletch, Vaughn and Hayley. Thank you, Sam. Good morning. Welcome to the show. Fletch, Vaughn and Hayley. Happy Wednesday. Hayley only

just making it this morning. The wheel's coming off. I slept from about 7.58pm till 5am. 5am is generally when I arrive. How did you... What's your secret? Lorazepam and vodka. Oh my God, a Lorazetini.

Yum. You cannot have a Lorazetini. I had a little Lorazetini. It is stressful at my... I don't know where my engagement ring is. Oh, whoa. Wow. I think you traded it for a Larazatini.

Is it that stressful with the renovations? Yeah, no, I haven't tossed it in the bin, but it's so stressful at the moment. Oh, God. Anyway, so I was getting worked up, wound up, I could feel it. I was like, I know where the Larazzis are.

That's how I sleep on a plane. Except last time, I think I had a Zlopatini. Oh, beautiful. And I almost made a Zlopatini in my pants, dude. When I woke up, I was absolutely...

Well, the last time you had a couple of Zlopatinis coming back from Singapore, you don't even remember getting home. He doesn't remember getting home. He wasn't driving. I woke up at home. I went through the airport and everything. I told him, take one. Somebody messaged

me, like, three weeks later saying, oh my God, it was so good to see you at the airport. And I was like, what? I was like, no. It wasn't that bad. I was working there. I was like, where do you work? They're like, customs. I was like, what? I'm like, no. I wasn't that bad. I was working there. I was like, where do you work? They're like, customs. I was like, ha, ha, ha.

Mm-hmm. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. Wild times. But I feel refreshed. Read the instructions, please. I'm so jealous. Don't mix with alcohol. Don't.

And be responsible. I think it's the messaging here. I'm on a nine-hour sleep. Yeah, I'd do anything for nine hours sleep. I'd kill somebody hour sleep. Yeah, I'd do anything for nine hours sleep. I'd kill somebody probably. Yeah. Coming up on the show, the top six.

He's gonna do it. He's forgotten what it is. Don't tell me, don't tell me, don't tell me, don't tell me, don't tell me. A study has found that if you give your kids a screen when they're having a tantrum it leads to behavioral problems.

Duh. They're misbehaving and you're rewarding their misbehavior. Do I have to do everything around here? I know. What would you give them instead when they're being a brat? A hiding. Time out. A psychological dressing down.

Yeah, good. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. I got the top six parenting tips. I might write a parenting book. Speaking of, who came up with one, two, three? Did your mum count to three or five? No, my parents didn't count. But it was just one and then a smack.

But I was hearing a woman say it yesterday. I was like, gosh. That is absolutely pointless unless you're going to do something at three. You know you hear people get to three and they're like, final warning, Caden. Shot collar. Shot collar. Like a bark collar. Like a bark collar.

Even if it doesn't work. Just feeling those little prongs against your voice box. I feel like if anyone's going to have a shot collar, it's a Caden or a Jaden. Oh, well, I mean, if you've got a Caden or a Jaden, you should just have a shot collar ready. Yeah. All right, coming up on the show, as we mentioned, the top six. But next. There is a man who became the owner of the, this is a terrible opening.

The man who posted the most liked photo on Instagram has opened up about his journey. Not a celebrity. No, it wasn't Ellen DeGeneres with the selfie at the Oscars. Play. ZM's Fletch Vaughan and Hayley. So, Instagram likes.

Kylie Jenner broke the record. 19 million Instagram likes when she posted a photo of her well-manicured thumb and Stormi's little finger around it, her daughter. 19 million people went, yes. Like. I like that. And that makes a lot of sense.

And then it was Ellen DeGeneres taking a selfie at the Oscars. She got quite a few likey-wikeys on that. And so a group of, I want to say British larrikins, were like, oh, we should make a fake Instagram profile. And you may remember this. The Instagram page was World Record Egg. Correct. Do you remember this?

Yes, I do. Was that just when the pandemic had happened? When was this? Dude, good question. It was either early days or before it. Yeah, I feel like that was kind of something quite light relief. Yeah, for sure. I can't even remember when it was either.

World Record Egg. Is there a date on this? One hour ago. No, that's a screenshot, isn't it? Anyway, so he, yeah, this guy, led by this guy, he posted this photo of an egg and said, world record egg, that was it, and tried to share it as much as possible.

And then that beat the Kylie Jenner one and it got to about 50 million likes. That's insane. And she had, what, 19? So it smashed it. Yeah. And it's still the number one liked photo on Instagram. It's insane. And she had, what, 19. So it smashed it. Yeah. And it's still the number one liked photo on Instagram. It's still

the number one. And then they did another one afterwards, which was the same egg, but it was just starting to crack and people were like, oh my God, we're on a journey here. Anyway, that guy who posted it, his name's Chris, he's come out recently being like, oh yeah, this was like

not really planned. This was just a total fluke that this happened. Because they thought it would be like, they'd share it with their friends and go, ha ha ha. And by now it's had close to 100 million likes. Oh, nobody's ever beating that.

I know, and it's just an egg. If you've never heard of this story, it's like so ridiculous. Because everybody suspected it was some advertising campaign after a while. Yeah, yeah. They did do something for a charity at some stage. People were like, ah, I told you. And they were like, no, actually that was just, we just thought we could do some good with it now.

Yeah. So they thought that it was part of, yeah, a publicity campaign for Mental Health America raising all this money, which it did in the end because people started donating for the egg. And the guy was like, no, I just didn't mean to. It was a 29-year-old who just said, like, he has no idea how this happened. I wonder if he made money from it. He said it was a total freak. Merch? Was there merch? Egg merch? I don't know. Yeah, I got these birds, right, and they lay them. from it? He said it was a total egg merch.

I don't know. I got these birds right and they lay them. So I fully bought into this. I fully bought into this. You got a very husky voice this morning. I don't know what's happening. It's falling away. Are you liking this? I am struggling here.

To concentrate on this. I know. You've got to break a few bloody break a few omelettes. Oh, no, that's not right. You've got to break a few eggs to make an omelette. Yeah. Did you ever, were you yelling last night? No.

Have you got COVID? There is this virus going around. Have you done a COVID test? No, I haven't. Should I? You probably should. I'm a little blocked up as well. Yeah, it doesn't sound good.

Hey, by the way, there is merch and it's cool. So yeah, they've made money off of it. And I'm going to give them some of mine. Yeah, do it. Play ZM's Fletch, Vaughn and Hayley. The New Zealand endangered species, it's getting worse. Wow. Or it's getting better depending on how you like it.

We're bringing in a COVID test from reception. You're literally vibrating the desk. Yeah. Oh. Oh. Yeah. Oh, no, you changed the rhythm. I thought you liked the change. I thought that the change was what people like. When I'm making those noises, you don't change the rhythm. Sorry.

I mean, I'm glad we've had this chat. Yeah Sorry. I mean, I'm glad we've had this chat. Yeah. I'm frustrated. I'm glad we've had this chat. No, it's... I'm done. Get out. No, what is...

Vorn. Okay. Vorn. There is a campaign. The Endangered Species Foundation has launched the We Love You Even If You're Ugly campaign, which is great news for Fletch. That was me. That was unnecessarily me.

You're a very attractive man. Thank you. You're very attractive. In fact, you're a very attractive man. In fact, have a little. This is your tempo. You know that's good. No, I think he's more.

Just point up if you want it faster. What does that hand signal mean? Family show. It means family show. Have I hit the spot? So we love you even if you're ugly campaign. Thank you for the COVID test. Do that over the next song.

They say that it's easy to be like Man we love kiwis Or aren't kakapo neat Oh keridu Oh the keridu is my favourite My favourite little chonky bird I know when they fly past you in the bush And you're like

Whereas tui's are like They're like They're cute too They're cute too. Yeah. They're awesome. So the six endangered species that you can like adopt, you don't get to take it home. Like, you know, when you adopt a highway.

Wait, so I have to pay for some ugly little critter. Correct. And I don't even get one. Correct. It's like when people adopt stars and stuff, you're like, guys. Guys. It's just a sheet of paper in your drawer Yeah, you're done How much did you pay for that?

Astronauts aren't up there being like That's Hayley's one They're not Although you do have a comet Yeah, I do Hayley's comet Is that due soon? No

Ages away Yeah, when I was at primary school They were like, it's gonna be ages It was recent, right? I think I'm 86 next time it comes, so 46 years away. Wow. Does that hurt,

saying that being 86 is something? I remember being a kid and when Hayley's Comet was here last time, it was 80 years away, and now it's 46 years away, and time is slipping through my fingers. Here's some of the ugly animals you can adopt. Give us a list.

I started that. I can't. The giant weta fungus. A weta or a fungus? It is. It's both. No, it's the fungus that attacks and kills giant weta and then lives on it. And it's a white mold and apparently it's native and it pops out little beige cat mushrooms.

Look at it. Oh, yuck. Why would you want to adopt mold? That looks like it could start a pandemic. We should get rid of those. Yeah, it does. Let's not adopt those. I would give that a healthy dose of Black Flag.

Should I say it? Yes, round up. Here's something I don't even think is that ugly. Hamilton's frog. A Hamilton's frog? It's a frog, native to New Zealand, one of four species. One of four. That's cute. Extant species. It is. It's cute. It's like a picture

perfect frog. Oh, that's cool that ugly. Are you sure we, do we have green ones like that? No, that's the brown It's like a picture-perfect frog. Oh, that's... Are you sure we... Do we have green ones like that? No, this is... Oh, it's the brown one. Oh, we've got a brown one, yeah. Oh, yuck. Looks like a little poo.

Yeah. Sorry about that. Okay, I don't want to adopt that. The Chatham Shag is next. Now, I don't know what that is. I'm just Googling the Chatham Shag because I think shags are quite bird-looking birds. You would, would you? Wouldn't say no. Oh, I don't know what that is. I'm just Googling the Chatham Shag because I think shags are quite bird-looking birds. You would, would you?

Wouldn't say no. Oh, I would. These are cute. What, a shag? The Chatham Shag. How about a root? Oh, Vaughn. It was a bit of a tree, wasn't it?

Okay, you need to take your COVID test because I think your brain's affected. I think the brain's shrinking rapidly. I think the brain. I think there's brain fog in there. As far as shags go, it's ugly, but it's not like, I wouldn't say it's nearly as ugly as, do you remember when we were promoting the giant

wetter fungus? Yeah. Yeah. Not that bad. The next one, block your ears, earmuffs, earmuffs, Hayley. Earmuffs. Is a moth. It's called the fuzzweed moth. Yeah, Hayley can't even hear the word. It's endemic to New Zealand So that means

You can unplug now It might not be native to here But it's kind of made itself at home Oh I know what you're talking about And I just It's why we I don't want to leave We don't want to adopt that

So what do you That's yuck What do you You pay the money Yeah And you get like a little card And you pop it in a stocking That would be a great Christmas present

For someone you hate Yes Oh my god So many people are going to buy me What you just said pop it in a stocking. That would be a great Christmas present for someone you hate. Yes. Oh my God. So many people are going to buy me what you just said. But you'll be helping the native... I don't want to help them. I want to help them

to a delicious plate of Black Flag. Yeah. There's something that looks a little bit like a whitebait except it's called a lowland longjaw galaxius. Oh, lowland longjaw. That's a great pirate name.

Would that be good in a fritter? I think it looks very frittery. It looks very frittery. And last, Holloway's crystal moth. Hey, man, I'm right here. Oh, dude, sorry, worm, not moth. Sorry, worm, not m-word.

I apologise if you heard it. It's a species of dangerous, giant, crystal-covered, worm-like. Crystal-covered. All right, well, if you'd like to help out and, I mean, great Christmas present, and, you know, you're helping out our native ugly critters, how does one do this, Vaughn? You can just Google Endangered Species Foundation. We love you, even if you're ugly.

They are. Lovely. All right, Vaughn is going to do a COVID test now. Yep. Your Endangered Species Foundation. We love you even if you're ugly. And they are. And they are from the shed. Lovely. All right, Vaughn is going to do a COVID test now. Yep. We'll see how that goes. And we'll come back next with the results. Type of part.

Play it. ZM's Fletch Vaughn and Hayley. Vaughn, have you put the drops in your COVID test? Yep. Dude, the way you do a COVID test is so brutal. You have no gag reflex. Anytime. Yeah.

The minute it hits the back of the throat, I'm like... Do you always do a throat and a snozz? Yeah, I do a throat and a snozz. Well, that was what Dr. Susie Wells told me to do. Yeah. It's a way to go. She's got a doctor. She's got a doctor in front of her name. Well, the liquid drops have just gone in the COVID test. We'll keep you updated. It's riveting. Exciting stuff here on the

show this morning. Tune in live. That's literally what people are doing right now. Are we live? Yeah, we're live. Oh my god, this whole time we've been live. This whole time we've been live, yet it goes out live. Oh my god, in my head I'm like, edit that out. Edit that out. She's editing on the fly. Trim that, cut that. I've been making notes.

Nah, that didn't land. Oh dear. So we've all been seeing everyone's Spotify wrapped come out. And, I mean, it's very self-indulgent, I think. It's more about, look how cool and interesting I am. I enjoy it. And I look at it myself and I'm like, that's interesting. But I never share it.

No. Because no one else cares. Oh, my God, I'm so quirky. I'm 33 and Billyel was my number one artist oh my god i listen to a lot of dire straits for a young woman young are you in character or yes he's in character i'm a young dire straits listener right in comparison to other dire straits listeners um but everyone was talking online about, wouldn't it be cool if we could share other things wrapped,

like meals I ate of 2022. Dude. Predominantly chicken based. I reckon I'd be like 60-something percent chicken. This year I tried four new vegetables. Wow, wow, wow. The courgette. Anyway, so one woman was like wouldn't it be cool if you could do a dating wrapped and so she did she created a powerpoint presentation my 2022 dating

wrapped if there's one thing about me i love a powerpoint and apparently a first date because i went on 18 this year where did i meet these men i met one in the wild we kissed at a bar on new year's eve and things really went downhill from there. Tinder and Hinge split pretty evenly. One from Facebook dating, I 1000% would not recommend that. I would rather ask my father to buy me lingerie than to get back on Facebook dating. So she has like a

full presentation with like all these graphs. Like one's a pie chart. One's your typical graph. She asks things like how many dates did I go on? How many of them ended in a little bit of coitus? Yeah. It's so much fun.

I'd forgotten that Facebook dating was a thing, but is that even a thing in New Zealand? Did they ever launch that here? Because I know they talked about it. And I think it's like an American thing, right? Yeah, it is. Yeah. She even worked out how much money she had spent on dates.

And she worked it out. She said, I've spent a grand total of $368.36 on dates with drinks taking up 33.3% of that and dinner turning 2.2% of the expenses. It's such a fun way to look at a sad year of dating. The end, which everyone watched it going like, did she find love? She did not.

She ended almost 50% of the relationships and the men ended 33.3%. That's a bit of a brag, isn't it? Yeah. And 16.7% of them just sort of faded away mutually. Right. And then she finished the post by saying, did I learn anything after a year of dating?

And her surmise, I guess, of this was no. See you next year. Back on the horse next year. Back on the horse. Back on. Update with the COVID test. Any line? No line.

Give it 15, no. Tristan, it would have shown up by now. It shows up by now. Yeah, no sign. So what's the deal? Have you just got a bit of pine up your noses? I don't know. Bit of pine.

Yeah, yeah, a bit of pine in the nose. I hope you're not accusing me of having hay fever. Yeah. No, no, ma'am. No, no, no, I don't get hay fever. He probably got hay fever. Ma'am, I don't have hay fever. I do right now.

I'm going to sneeze. I love that feeling. I love it. Let it go. And then you're chasing it. Bring it, bring it. Oh no, I think it's disappeared. You're chasing it away.

You're too eager. Stare into the sun. No, that stops it. No. No, no, that starts it. Pineapple stops it. Damn it. Staring into a pineapple stops it.

Or just saying pineapple. You stare it straight in the eye, yeah. Hasn't she had a great year? Who? Dua Lipa. She's had a hell of a year. How's your COVID test? Negative.

So you're clear? Or how's this voice happening? I don't know, but it's me now. I'd love a voice like this the whole time. Can you say, gather up the horses? Gather up the horses, boys. Yeah, that's good. Blah, blah, blah.

Blah, blah, blah, blah. This is the Top Six. Top Six Parenting Tips from I, Vaughn Allen Smith. I realise I'm lucky. I've got very well-behaved daughters. Well, that's not luck. No, that's what my mother said. Good hidings.

Yes. The ever-present threat of abuse. No, it's not the 80s anymore. No. We were talking before about, like, the wild shit our parents pulled on us when we were kids. And we were just like, I was just like, that must just be how everybody lives. But it wasn't. Yeah, I thought I was on the same page as you until I heard about your beatings. Yeah.

Compared to my slight slap on the wrist. Yours was psychological, weren't they? It was everything. It was everything. Like, get your brother and wait in the lounge. And then you just hear the rattle of the alkothene pipe being pulled out of the back of the gas heater. And then you'd be like, oh, God, oh, God. Here we go.

No, no, no, no, no, no. And the worst is when Dad was calm. Yeah. He'd come in and be like, move your hands. Who are you smacking first? I guess we're about to find out. Oh, my God. So, studies found that if you give your kids a

screen when they're playing up, it's bad, obviously. You're rewarding them for poor behaviour. Yeah, but it keeps them quiet. But you're just making a rod for your own back. Deal with it at the time. Deal with them and teach them

this is not acceptable behaviour. I think the key is to not have kids. That's what I'm doing. More time for cocktails. Absolutely fair enough. Nailing it. Absolutely fair enough. But if you're going to have them,

do something about it. Yeah. Really think that through, though. I just see other people's kids, like, plying up, and sometimes even my kids will look at me like, How? You've done well. Look at these children.

And I'll be like, correct. Yeah, they are good. They're not perfect all the time, but they're a work in progress. Top six parenting tips from me, Vaughn Smith. Yeah. On the back of this, don't give your kids screens if they're misbehaving. Duh. Number six, decide what's happening at three before you start counting.

You're not very good at ad lib. One, two. You've got to know what you're going to do on three. Two and a bit. What do you do on three? Don't two and a bit. Two and three quarters. Don't two and three quarters.

And don't use three as, and that's your final warning. Three is three, baby. Three is the reckoning. Three is the reckoning. And you've got to know what the reckoning is going to look like before you get there. Are you taking something away? Are you putting these children somewhere? I always knew I was in trouble when my mum would say right.

Like that was the end. Don't do that. Don't. Right. Right. Right. I'd be like oh no. You've got to know what you're going to do when you say right. Right's a definitive term. Right's not right. What are we going to do about you? Not the time for it. Number five on the list of the top six parenting tips.

If you're going to shut your kids somewhere, shut them in a small cupboard. Because they can't get enough speed up to seriously hurt themselves. You put them in their room, they can run from one side at the door, smash into the door and hurt themselves. You put them in a small cupboard, they can't get up enough speed. Yeah. That's just physics, baby. Yeah.

Smart. That's just physics. Or tie a bungee cord on them. No, because the bungee cord will rip them back. Yeah. Oh, yeah, boing. That'd be fun. Unless you're going to put a bungee cord on all four sides of the room

and have them suspended in the middle. That's time. I believe that's an ancient torture technique. Or a lot of fun at the beach when they put them in those little harnesses and they jump on that thing

and it looks like a giant washing line. That's fun. Number four on the list of the top six parenting tips from me, Vaughn Smith. Discipline them in front of their friends.

You know how your parents sometimes like what you wait until your friend goes home. Yes. Or like they're going to deal with you when your friend goes home.

Do it in front of their friends. Oh my gosh, shame God. Shame, though. That gives you a badass reputation of someone who doesn't take any BS and their friends won't want to come over again. And that's a blessing. You know when your parents are like, oh, no, I don't want you having a friend over this weekend. Yeah.

I totally get it. They're other people's kids. And you've got to feed them. You've got to feed them. You've got to feed them. Speaking of feeding them, that's number three. Now, the next number on the Vaughan Smith top six parenting tips. If they don't eat what's in front of them, they're just not hungry enough yet.

They'll get hungry eventually. And the good news is they're not going anywhere and neither is that food. So they'll still be right in front of it when they get hungry. It'll be cold and chewy. I cannot believe the, well, you can't be hungry then, is still around. Absolutely. Like, I'm hungry. There's fruit in the bowl.

There's something in the fridge. I don't want that. We can't be hungry. We went through a list. Indy was like, I want something to eat. No, dinner's about to be ready. Can I have a yogurt?

No, no, no. It's not about what you want. It's just the fact that dinner's about to be ready. Can I have cheese? Are you listening? It's not about what you're ready. Can I have cheese? Are you listening? It's not about what you're eating.

I'll have a banana. Girl, listen to me! It's not about what! You're not having anything to eat! Dinner's almost ready! Get your sister to wash your hands! Wow. Number two on the list of the top six parenting tastes from Portsmouth. I can see

why you've come to work with a horse throat this morning. Screaming. A lot of screaming. It's the lead up to the punishment that does the heavy lifting. This is number two. It's the lead up. Like saying,

like, you know, they know they're in trouble, but you don't just say, come here or go to your room. You say something like, okay, and you've got to do it calmly. That's enough.

Now I need you to get a can of tuna, four leaves from the lemon tree and something black and go to your room. I'll meet enough. Now I need you to get a can of tuna, four leaves from the lemon tree and something black, and go to your room. I'll meet you there. I just have to get the family Bible. They're like, what? What's happening with the leaves and the black thing

and the can of tuna and the Bible? It'll be time for questions after the summoning. I'll meet you in the room. How do you use the tuna for the summoning? Wouldn't you like to know? I will, yeah. You're about to find out. You're about to find out. Also, you're about to find out. You're about to find out.

Also, you're about to find out is a great line as a parent. Psychological torture. Yeah. I almost said, I had to stop myself from saying it the other day. The girls were doing something. I was like, stop that. And they're like, why? What's going to happen?

And I almost said, F around and find out. Like, you know how there's a saying? F'd around and they found out. I almost said it, but I bit my tongue, but I'll save it. It's the summer holidays coming up soon. I'm going to have six weeks of these little buggers. My house is just around the corner. Come over.

We've got no kids. I quite like my house. I can always send my children to yours. It's a construction site at the moment, right? That's how, that's a... Actually, yeah, put them on the rollers. Get them working. That'd be good.

Get them working. And number one on the list are the top six parenting tips from Ivor and Smith. Before you even have children, start working on your slow head turn to death stare. That's where you're facing one way. You hear a noise. You calmly, slowly turn and administer a death stare. It's all in that pace of that turn and your eyes being there and then meeting. And maybe then pop the eyebrows.

Come again? I beg your pardon? What did you just say? Nothing. What was that? Nothing. That is today's A Top of Six. Well, in New Zealand have announced the busiest days for Christmas travellers this holiday season.

Yeah, I feel like I'm going to get stuck in it, but we don't have a choice. So these flight stats are only Air New Zealand. So this isn't even... That's all I fly. This isn't taking into account the people that will be at the airport on Jetstar or other airlines. Well, because they won't be making a home. I'm imagining they'll be eating out of a trough at the airport. Yeah, yeah.

Fighting, scrapping. Until their flight gets cancelled, they'll go back home to their own trough. Back home to under the bridge. Is that what a Jetstar passenger looks like? I mean, I don't know if you've flown. I mean, you've flown lately. There are delays on any airline. It's nuts flying at the moment.

I've got personal beef. Because remember, I went to Bali. I went to Bali in the middle of the year. You've mentioned that once. Yeah, you've mentioned that once. But again, you get what you pay for, don't you? Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

A delicious trough. I'm not going home. The busiest day for Air New Zealand flights will be the 23rd of December. So that's a Friday. And you and I are both flying 24th. 24th. So on the 23rd, 55,000 people will board a flight nationwide. Can they not?

Queenstown Airport will be the busiest regional airport. There'll be more than 6,000 travellers passing through Queenstown. Beautiful airport. On the 23rd. airport. There'll be more than 6,000 travellers passing through Queenstown. On the 23rd. Beautiful. Small security though there. Oh my god it's a bottleneck. It's horrible there. Auckland to Christchurch will be the busiest route this

Christmas. There'll be the new A321 Neos on that with more seats. But they're annoying because they take longer to board. Okay, nerd. Anything about, yeah, cool fact. Yeah, why don't you tell us more about planes? No, please don't.

Anything about Auckland to Wellington? That's my route. It doesn't say anything, but it does say that more than 50,000 customers are also expected to fly on the 15th of December, which is tomorrow, the 16th, the day after. Because that's a lot of people are finishing on the 16th. Yeah, and they're just off from there.

The 22nd, 27th, and 28th are also really busy. But nothing about the 20th. I would have thought the 24th would have been, because a lot of people will work up, finish on Friday, and fly out on the 24th. I imagine the 24th, oh, you're leaving on the 23rd, eh, Vaughn? The 24th will be busy on the roads. No, the 23rd's... Wow.

Everyone's going to be doing a half day on the 23rd, right? If working at all. Because the 23rd's a Friday. You need to come to our lunch. You come to our lunch and it's a traffic car. We're going to get on the road. Just come to our lunch. Got to get on the road. You're going to get on the road. You've got a prosecutor

under the tree waiting for us. Unbelievable. So the airlines are warning people as well to get to the airport nice and early. Three hours if you're travelling internationally. 60 minutes before the flight if you're domestically or if you've got like special luggage to check in. Just get there nice and early and be patient because they're still understaffed. Yes, oh my God.

Don't be a dick, basically. Because the staff are doing their absolute best. Unless they're Jetstar staff, because they're not doing anything at all. No, they're just trying to keep the trolls at bay. Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, calm down. There's enough goats for everybody to eat on board.

Play ZM's Fletch, Vaughn and Hayley. The New Zealand You are Honestly Get it together What is with you? The New Zealand police Have lowered the threshold Of speed cameras

Meaning you I didn't know it was 10 Was it? Yes So at 10 you start getting a ticket. Co-director of Road Safety Partnerships Inspector Peter McKinney said that it was 10 kilometres over the speed limit, but then that just made it the de facto speed limit.

Because you know that one that's like when you go into the tunnel on the way to the airport in Auckland, I always go like 70 because I'm like, I don't want to be anywhere near 80. Well, you've got 20 more kilometres an hour you could run with. Yeah, well, not anymore. It's not 10 k's over the speed limit anymore. It is question mark over the speed limit. Four, three.

He said it's more than one. He said this. It's more than one. But it's less than 10. Now, I think that means it's seven because that's my favourite number. I reckon they'll be doodles and make it nine, you know, but the threat of it is going to make us slow right down. It'll be five.

And they're not going to tell us. It'll be five. But it's got to be two. Someone will be able to work it out because you'll get a speed camera fine in the mail and it'll be like 63 kilometres. And they're like, well, there's your answer. There's your answer. I mean, 53 kilometres.

But nobody's received tickets yet, so we don't know. No, because they're just about to change it ahead of the holiday season. Is this just for the holiday season or is it... It's ongoing. It's ongoing. Forever, ever. Ever?

Forever, ever? Because I feel like it can't be too low because surely just one or two Ks could be, like, enough for a court challenge on, like... Variants in cars. Yeah. Because the old saying is that you're always going a little bit slower than you think, right?

Like if you've got a 105 on your speedo, it's probably more like 103. Yeah, yeah. Mine's about 20k off. So I know like a 120 for me is more of a 90. I've seen you drive. I don't know. I think you should get that looked at.

Yeah, I think you should maybe have a look at that. But I know that I'm really going 100. Right. It says 130. Does it? I've never driven 130. I'm kidding. I'm pulling your leg.

That's very fast. So, yeah, they're not 100% sure on what the threshold is, but it's somewhere between 2 and 9. Wow. So, it's probably safe to be at least on 50 or 100, depending on where you're at. Just drive to the speed limit. Drive the speed limit. Sometimes a little bit slower.

Or into the conditions. If they change, reduce your speed. Of course. And two-second rule. And kids, you must remember. Always. Every time you're in the car. And it makes no difference if you're going near or far.

What about if you're in the front seat or if you're in the back? Click goes your seatbelt before you hit the track. Click goes your seatbelt? Click, click, click. When you take a drive, you better belt up quick. Tell all my friends and family. That's the trick. Click goes your seatbelt.

It's the same day, David. Hey, look, don't say sorry to me. Say sorry to his kids. Isn't it amazing we can still remember these road safety messages like literally decades later. That was a haunting ad.

If you've never seen that, if you're too young to remember, it was the same day, David. I cannot think of it. My friend, who's an actor, obviously, and a musician, he wrote a song.

And so anytime I hear that very haunting ad, all I think of is, it was the same, it was the same day, David. Don't say sorry to me. Say sorry to his kids. He wrote a song about it.

He wrote a little jingle. Wow. It was the same day, David. Play it. ZM's Fletch, Vaughn and Hayley. I wrote a song. He wrote a little jingle. Wow. It was the same day, David. Play it. ZM's Fletch, Vaughn and Hayley. I had a couple of messages in about the new tolerance, the speed tolerance. The threshold for getting a speed camera fine.

We're narcs. We're being narcs, aren't we? Oh, we are. A couple of reports of a fiver this week. I got ticketed for five kilometres over, and somebody else said I got fined in the Waterview Tunnel in Auckland for 85 kilometres an hour. So it looks like it's five.

But then I've been sent a link to another story where somebody said they got one for one kilometre over. What? Back in the day when speed cameras were on actual film, where a big orange bulb would go flash. Yeah. And they took a photo of your car. So there was a guy under a blanket holding a big orange bulb would go flash. Yeah. And they took a photo of your car.

There was a guy under a blanket holding up the orange bulb. Over here, he had a little rattle toy as well. This way, this way. Yeah.

They used to run out of film. Oh. And then you'd get away with it. You'd never get a ticket. Yeah. So maybe five, maybe one.

Just don't speed. Five. Yeah, don't speed. That's a great answer. Do what I do in the chimney. Sit a nice comfortable five kilometres below the line. That's because it infuriates me. That's because it doesn't go faster.

It doesn't go faster. Hang in the fast lane as well. Hang in the fast lane, go 95 k's an hour. It just reminds everybody else that they just need to relax and take life at a slower pace. You're going to do the opposite of relaxing me. And then undertake me on the inside and pull the fingers at me and I'll give you this look.

You deserved it. More financial pain on the way. The reserve bankers rise in inflation. The short-cutting inflation has pushed the reserve. Cost of living. Cost of living crisis. And the recession is inevitable. The official Fletchbourne and Hayley Ice Cream Index.

Well, we've been zigzagging all over the country asking you to nominate the dairies, the ice cream stores with the biggest ice creams, the biggest scoops, biggest bang for buck. What's the scoop? We asked you. So today we're going to touch on, we've had some social media responses to Blenheim and we're going to ask Wellington. We've asked Wellington.

It's my hometown. We're including, of course, the whole Hutt region. We're taking calls and texts regarding Wellington. Right now. So if you would like to nominate an ice cream store in Wellington, 0800 dials at M right now. You can text 9696. I can get us started on Wellington.

Okay. The Eastbourne Dairy. That's where I grew up. And when's the last time you went there though? Oh, only about a year ago. Okay, so you're still producing biggies? Well, they used to just do your classic tip-top roll, but now they've got two tubs.

One's a tip-top with your classic flavours and the other one's a carpenter. So you can choose if you want more simple or more boot. She's not wrong, look. She's not wrong, look. She's not wrong, look. Did Tip Top own Carpity? Cheers, I tell you what. I know you're close to the Whittakers down there,

but look at that wall of Whittakers behind them. It is a bloody good dairy. Oh, yeah, that's a good dairy. Yeah, it's a good dairy. I can't see a single thing in that photo that would fit in the bottom three-eighths of the food pyramid, but no. That just looks like everything you need for a breakup, that shot there that you've shown.

There's a roll of toilet paper over there. Yeah. And some batteries. Batteries. Literally. Tissues. Yeah. You got it all. And a one square meal.

You don't even need to leave the house. Having to And a one square meal. You don't even need to leave the house. Having to eat a one square meal. Oh, that's so sad. Anyway, that's my pick for Wellington. Yeah, I'll give you that. It was a good size and everything as well. Yeah, bloody decent. Okay, well, if you've got any more in Wellington, 9696, text us through.

Okay, but... Are we including the Carpenter Coast? Are we going up to... Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Okay, yeah, up to Wellington region? Yeah, good. Scoop has been recommended.

This is in Picton in London Quay in Picton. Scoop looks pretty posh. They do do ice cream. You could get one of those toasties, those legendary toasties

at that toasty place and follow it up with this ice cream. There's a place in Picton that does the most, won awards for the best toasties. Then have an ice cream and shit yourself on place in Picton that does the most, won awards for like the best toasters.

Then have an ice cream and shit yourself on the ferry. Yeah. Just tuck over the edge. Yes. Or be the 1,000th person to vomit on that carpet. Yeah.

Yeah, she gets pretty, she gets pretty dicey out there. I will say this about Scoop though. Doesn't look cheap. Look at that photo. They've got a photo on the Google reviews. This is not $6.50

in my mind. Oh no. That's a gelato price. That's a gelato price. But that looks amazing. It does because the ice cream cone itself is chocolate dipped

and then it's got some stuff on it and then the ice cream goes on top of the cone that's got the dip. It can go on the list but it's got to have a B for booze.

It's got to have a big B for bouge. Okay. The Waikawa Road Dairy. Somebody said just your classic rolly scoopy. Night and Day in Blenheim. Oh, yeah. The Night and Day does a good scoop. Night and Day is a pretty renowned for scoops.

Yeah, they are. I haven't had a scoop from a Night and Day. I've had a pie. The Night and Day does a scoop as well. There's a scoop. And the Wellington one on Dixon Street. I know we're not doing slices

but I do like the Belgium slice from the night and day. At a night and day. You do? I've been to a night and day with you and you've got a Belgian slice. It's a good end to the night.

You're a mess of a man, eh? Good end to the night. A Belgian slice You can get a crab stick and follow it up with a Belgian slice. Like heaven. That's heaven.

Putting to the night is a tawny port. And you're off at the bloody night and day getting a bloody Belgium slice. Yeah, we're like, nightcap? Yeah, I'll have a tawny port. Can I get a little Belgium slice, please? Before I go night and night. I go night night soon and my mum says I'm a wilder sweetie. Wowee. and not nice. I go no nice soon and my mum says I'm a wilder sweetie. Wow. Okay, another suggestion

is the Cos Corner Cafe in Seddon. Now, I've googled the Cos Corner Cafe. I can see they do a fish and chip. I can see they do a hell of a breakfast.

Look at this. Oh, yeah. That's good. Whoa, the hashies. Fried tomato. Giant sausage. And white toast. A little bit of cress just to say, here's a green.

Yeah, get some green in here. I can't see a picture of their ice cream, so I would need confirmation. Well, getting reports in, so we'll add it to the list. Anything else from the top of the South, Vaughan? That's our reports there from the top of the South. Let's finish in the capital. Zachary, good morning. Good morning.

Good morning. Who does the best ice creams in Lower Hutt? Zany Zeus. Zany Zeus. The cheese place. Yes, the cheese place, yeah. Oh, okay. Okay, hang on.

Zany Zeus, cheese manufacturer. Cheese and ice cream. Yeah, yeah, good stuff. Oh, but very bougie. Very bougie. Little tub here, $9.80. Oh, you've got yum. Is that your mum in the background? Yeah.

Mum, are you raising a bougie kid? Maybe. It's great because we can walk there from our house and I can send the kids off with their money and they can go have a wander and get an ice cream and come back. Yeah, kids don't care if it's a bloody 50 cent ice cream or whatever. You don't need to give kids nice. You're getting them hooked on the good stuff.

Yeah. I love it. Zachary and Mum, thank you. We'll put a Bee Vibouge next to that, but there's Zanny Zeus and Lola Hart on the list. Okay. Where are my other Wellington folk coming in? Some other text messages in.

Wafflebox, Brewtown, Upper Hutt, Boshi. Brewtown is so cool in Upper Hutt. Does a great ice cream with waffles. That is a big capital B. Wait, are waffle cone or waffles? We're not talking waffles. Oh, God. We're not talking waffles with ice cream on top. That's a bougie dessert.

To be investigated. The Timaru Dairy, not Timaru, Timaru Dairy, it's more one and a half scoops per scoops that you pay for. One scoop of ice cream is scooped, and it looks like at least one and a half. Good, okay. So that is exactly what we're after here.

Now, I don't think, I'm sorry, we can include Waffle Box. It's not really... No, it's off. Sorry. It's not your roadie. I won't hear anymore. It's a little bouge.

Oh, that looks yum, though. You've got to go. Belgium. Okay. Any others on the list for us? The Waimea Dairy at Wakanai Beach. Oh, yeah. Okay.

This is your classic sort of looking dairy situation. We love it. We love it. So you could definitely get in on that for a reliable looking ice cream. And they do hot chicken too. All right. All on the list. Yeah.

For our ice cream index. Yum. We'll get a big map at the end of it with all the big ice creams. Oh, no, no, no. Someone's, look, look, look, look. Someone's just joined the show. Darfield Dairy on the outskirts of Christchurch. You've had your time.

We've done. Sorry, you missed it. Everybody said that the Darfield Dairy is legendary. It's of Christchurch you've had your time we've done sorry you missed it everybody said the Darfield Dairy is legendary it's on the list it's on our ice cream index it's already on the list

thank you for joining us so late maybe you should just be nice that people are listening yeah we actually start at 6am though so you're a little late

where were they the other day why weren't they listening every day this is a five day a week three hour a day commitment yes and if you can't be here for all of it don't be here for any of it This is a five-day-a-week, three-hour-a-day commitment. Yes.

And if you can't be here for all of it, don't be here for any of it. Exactly. We'd rather have none of you than all of you. I don't want you listening for five to ten minutes a day. No. I don't want that. It's like you're dropping in on a TV show and you're going to say to your partner or your flatmates,

what's happening here? Who's that? Yeah. That's Fletch. This person's probably going, why does Vaughn's voice sound gravelly? We've covered that. What's happening here? Who's that? Yeah. That's Fletch. This person's probably going, why does Vaughn's voice sound gravelly? We've covered that. That's already been covered today.

I won't have to explain myself again. I don't have COVID. You should have been here at six o'clock this morning. Yeah. Next on the show, I will just say that we appreciate you listening for any amount of time. No.

All or nothing. All or nothing, baby. This is all or nothing. We're going all in Play ZM's Fletch Vaughan and Hayley Play ZM Ten sleeps till Christmas

Yes Ten little Measly sleeps And I mean I know a lot of people Are pulling back But there are likely to be

Some gifts Some gift giving Between family members And friends I mean Christmas Isn't cancelled But you don't need To spend a lot of money It is to be some gifts, some gift giving between family members and friends. I mean, Christmas isn't cancelled. But you don't need to spend a lot of money. It is. It's a little bit cancelled.

It's pulled back. Right. Because we've lost the Christmas spirit and Santa's sleigh can't fly without it. We've got to find it. We've got to find it and bring it back. Mr. Fletcher, you've got to sing a Christmas song. Go on, Mr. Fletch, please. Please, if you don't, Santa won't come.

We've got to help Santa get to New Zealand. Sing a song, Mr. Fletcher. Say, come on, Santa. We love you. Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way. It's working. We've got to sing it louder for the North Pole. Dashing through the snow.

On a one horse open sleigh. Keep singing, Mr. Fletcher. Over, off we go. Laughing as we're almost there. The sleigh's almost got enough Christmas spirit to fly. Stop it. We're almost there. The slaves have almost got enough Christmas spirit to fly. Stop it. Don't adjust your frequency. That was us acting.

And I'm going to help you guys. That was my latest character. God, can I just say. Unstoppably enthusiastic orphan. Now the applications of the. My parents are dead, but boy, oh boy, I can't wait to get out there and make the most of tomorrow. I hope Santa finds me in this orphanage. How will he know I've moved house?

Mrs Hardbottom, how will Santa know where to look for us? Santa finds you anywhere you go, young boy. I wasn't expecting you to be so kind with a name like Hardbottom. Now, get in bed before I beat you to death. Ah, there it is. Now, I have to say, your character work this year. It's come along, hasn't it? The applications for the New Zealand International Comedy Festival have closed,

and what a damn shame. Well, I can just get up there and do ten minutes of solid character work. Absolutely. Maybe you could be my opening act. Yeah. Anyway, I want to give you guys, I've come up with a little bit of a sort of step-by-step on how to receive a gift that you don't like, but Maybe you could be my opening act. Yeah. Anyway, I want to give you guys, I've come up with a little bit of a

sort of step by step on how to receive a gift that you don't like, but they say that you like it because famously at Christmas, particularly with family, you realize they don't

know you at all. I was thinking about breaking the fourth wall a lot with my family this Christmas. Like when someone does something, I just turn to where a camera would be

and be like, this guy. Do they even know me? You open a gift, turn to where a camera would be and be like, this guy. Do they even know me? You open the camera, turn to the fourth one and go, oh, brother, this guy. Did this woman even birth me? Oh, Malcolm in the middle. Do a monologue.

Sometimes I'm wondering if this is my real family. And then turn back to them and they're like, who are you talking to? I'd be like, what? What if you start narrating? Oh, thanks so much. And that was the last time I spoke to my brother. Boy, oh boy, they're schmucks. See, you're going to use your acting degree to teach us

how to react to a bad present. Indeed. So I've broken it down because I don't expect you to spend $40,000 on a three-year degree at the New Zealand Drama School to call it Toi Whakare or Aotearoa. So I've done it down because I don't expect you to spend $40,000 on a three-year degree at the New Zealand Drama School. So I've done an easy step. So just imagine I've placed a gift in front of you. I am, Vaughan, I am your sister. And Fletch, I am your wife.

He's my brother-in-law. He's your brother-in-law. So I'm your sister. You're my husband. Brother-in-law, He's your brother-in-law. So I'm your sister. Hey, bro. You're my husband. Brother-in-law, there's tension. Don't call me that. And then I look, I break the fourth wall and be like, he won't stop calling me that.

Okay, so let's just say you've opened up this guy. What a loser. Am I right? Where did she find this rat? I've asked him to stop calling me that. Vaughn, who are you talking to? Huh? Did you guys see that?

We did Okay the first step is you open up the gift You see what it is For you Fletch it is a lavender soap set For you Vaughn it is Congratulations picking a gift I would find disgusting Yeah for you Vaughn it is Oh Vaughn

Tofu For you, Vaughan, it is... Oh, Vaughan-y. Tofu. It is a subscription to Silk and Tofu for the year. What is Silk and Tofu? It's a texture of tofu. Oh, okay, okay. So the first thing you're going to do is you're going to raise your eyebrows and widen your eyes without blinking. Yeah, that's good, that's good.

And then the next one, I want you to send your limbs out to the side slightly with an inward gasp. There you go. This is really good. Relaxing the jaw and sort of creating a bit of an O shape. Then you're going to talk in a higher pitch and say, oh my God. Oh my God.

How did you know? How did you know? I love lavender. I love lavender. Oh my God. How did you know? How did you know? I love lavender. I love lavender. I love tofu. Then you're going to bring your arms from wide. You're going to clasp them to your chest as if you can't believe it. You're going to narrow your shoulders and lower your eyebrows.

Like this gift means so much. Lower the brows, Fletch. You're going to lower the brows. Are you in control of your brows? Lower them, she said. I don't know how. Frown. Like this. What is that? the brows fletch you're gonna lower the brows are you in control of your brows lower them you are absolutely not in control of your eyebrows have you been getting botox he's been getting low tops they still look lower than like this oh as if to say oh like the sympathetic no why is this one still up? Sympathy. Do they do different things?

Do that simp face you do when you're trying to get laid. Please. What do you do? It's been so long. It's been so long. And I'm excited. Am I the cutest boy you know? You see, there's the eyebrows I want.

There you go. So you're clasping your chest. And then my final step is, remember, surprise doesn't last long because they'll know you're overdoing it. So as soon as you do that, go like, thank you. Thank you. And then you're done. Move on. So all in one.

Oh my God. How did you know? I love this. Dungeons and Dragons. Thank you. Oh my God. That sounded so insincere. How good is that?

No, it didn't. You need to work on it to make it sound sincere. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. How did you know I love this? Thank you. No, I wouldn't buy that. I wouldn't buy that.

See, we're from a family of good. That's nice. This is cool. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah. Nice. Oh, wow.

Cool. I love this. That's always me. Too overboard. Okay, I'll pull it back. Nah, this isn't really for me, cool. I love this. That's always me. Too overboard. Okay, I'll pull it back. Nah, this isn't really for me, Mum. I think I've opened somebody else's present. Just add my name on it, but I am absolutely not interested in this.

Turn to the fourth wall. And then be like... Sometimes I just turn to the fourth wall and shrug. Do an eyebrow check. I want to know now if anybody listening has been caught out and hit up with the receipts. Delt the absolute receipts. Like you with your bus lane. Oh, my God.

I'm not paying it. I had to pull out of a street into a bus lane to get into the next lane. There's literally three photos of Hayley in her car. You can see her through the windscreen in the bus lane. Like, that's the equivalent of the jury being shown a photo of you holding the bloody knife. I didn't do it. No, but when was that photo taken?

Was it taken? Did you pick up the knife? It was in the bus lane with the knife. Why is this knife covered in jam? It's blood. And then you're like, and then they take the photo. And then I freaked out and I put it back in the body. I put it back in the body.

Now the photo is me putting it in the body, but I put it back. They always say if you get it in, just leave it and let the medical professionals take it out. So you just put it back in. But it was hard to get back in. Yeah, I pulled it out because I was like, oh no. And then I was like, oh yeah, I'm not supposed to. And I put it back in. Snap, snap, snap. Someone took a photo was like, oh, yeah, I'm not supposed to. And I put it back in. Snap, snap, snap.

Someone took a photo. I didn't do it. She didn't do it. She just found it. Do you think a jury's going to believe that? Probably not. Well, friend of the show, James, big eco warrior, loves his recycling. Yes.

And in his neighborhood, the recycle bin is emptied every two weeks. Fairly standard, isn't it? Fairly standard. I believe so. Big boozers like you, Hayley. You know how easy it is to fill up the recycle bin. This is why James and I get on so well. Yeah, exactly.

And anyway, so he missed yesterday's recycling. See, that's the pits when it's fortnightly because that's a month of recycling. Yeah. If you miss it. If you miss it, yeah. And that's the thing. He's worried that now the bin's too full

with, you know, weekend drinking fast approaching. Oh, God. How handy is he with a spade? What are you saying? Have you got a hole in your head? Bury the bottles. Oh, yeah, in 100 years, people will be stoked to find bottles.

You know what people are like when they find bottles from the early 1900s? Oh, my God, look at the label. Oh, it's an old bottle. Oh, my God, it's a spade. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. James isn't drinking spades. You're painting the wrong picture of this, man. No, my God. It's a spate. Yeah, yeah. James isn't drinking spates.

You're painting the wrong picture of this man. No, I know. So he rings up the council. This is a man who gets a cheesy pleaser. He loves it. From McDonald's. Gets in the drive-thru. He's like, hello, can I have a cheesy pleaser?

What is a cheesy pleaser? I don't know. It's like a special. Sometimes on the app they do a two cheese burgers. Two cheesy bees. For whatever it is and they call it a cheesy please it's delicious and he rings up the council he's like

hello Heidi hi you've missed my recycling and they're like oh that's terrible and I think they initially were like we'll come back later in the day to collect it but then they hit him up with the receipts a video the rubbish truck has a recorder on it,

a video camera, and it's time-stamped and you can literally see them drive past his house and there's no wheelie bin out. So they're like, tough, you missed it. So I had no idea they had cameras on the rubbish trucks. And so someone at the council

must have had to go through all the footage to be like, nah, you didn't leave your bin out. We're not coming back. Tough. Do it next week. And caught him out in a lie. Oh, mate. Oh, no.

Because I'm assuming he put it out after it's time stamped 7.26 a.m. I'm assuming he put it out at like 7.45 or something, thinking it'll be here soon. Yeah. Slept in, didn't he? Genuine mistake. But yeah, but they were like, no, no, no, no. The truck went past. That's rad that the truck has cameras

on it now. I know. Because that could be the same thing, but like, my rubbish is everywhere. Your truck knocked it over. And I'm like, no, here we are arriving on the scene to it already being knocked over. Or I've got two prong marks in my windscreen. Your truck went through it. You know how they have the automatic arm? Yes. They could be like, no. You pronged

your own car. We don't know how that happened. You got a trunk on can be like, no. You pronged your own car. We don't know how that happened. You got drunk on your forklift again. And pronged your own car. Yeah. But just being hit up with the receipts, like you with your photos in the bus lane. You just can't deny that. You've been hit with receipts, and it's brilliant.

You've been caught out in a lie. Yeah, this is bad, but I'm not paying it. Come at me. Lawyer up. Auckland Transport. Also, if there are any pro bono, really criminal defence lawyers listening that want to take on a case.

I've got lots of skills. I could write you a song. This also happened, I had a really, really nice dress that I had purchased. And I remember Aaron seeing it and being like, when did you get that? And I said, oh, I just grabbed this from an op shop.

I was like, it was so cheap. He was like, oh, that's awesome. It looks amazing. And then I had like the tag for the brand new dress from the store with the price tag on it on the side table of the bedroom. And he was like, green wrap dress. I was like, oh, damn it. I bought it.

I bought it. Hit with receipts. Absolutely. Smack with the receipts. I want to know, has this ever happened to you? Did you tell a lie

or a little fib and you were hit with receipts? Like someone had to prove. I can't deny it. They didn't just say I've caught you out.

They're like, what about this? The evidence. Maybe you have a find my friends. Oh yeah. And you're like, where'd you go last night?

I just went straight home after town. I always forget about that. That I've got like friends on find. But it's, I'm never like, I'm always just at home because I just don't want to go out. Yeah, that's fair enough.

That's the place to be. We want to know when you've been hit with the receipts. A friend of the show, James, complained that the council had missed his recycling wheelie bin. And then they provided him with a video of them driving past and the wheelie bin was not out for collection. Yeah. There's no way to deny that. He slipped in, didn't he? Yes.

So when were you hit with the receipts? I was in standstill traffic, got pulled over by a police officer that said I was on my phone. I said, I swear I wasn't. And he pulled up a photo of me on my phone, phone to the air and said, is this you? Oh, so he was driving behind, but he was driving on his phone, phone to the air and said, is this you? Oh, so he was driving behind, but he was driving on his phone.

Beside, no, he might have a camera in his police car that takes photos around him. Or he could have been the passenger in the police car. Yeah, right. They often travel in twos.

Okay. I took a deep breath and said, guilty, and I put my hands out to be cuffed and he laughed. He laughed. Also,

my warrant was out of date and he let me off that as long as I promised to get it done immediately. That sounds like you were hot, to be honest. Just another hot person getting off something. Are you hot? What? I'm asking this person. Are you hot? Yeah.

Your phone number ends in 809. Are you hot? Out of 10? Do we want a rating out of 10? Yeah. Also, maybe ask a friend because you could be biased because it's you. You could be like playing it down. You could be like, I'm a 7 when you're a 9.

Or you could, they said they're standard. Now, that's a very humble response. They said standard. Okay, so I'm going to say a 7.5. They could be more. An 8? Could be an 8. Could you ask, are you with anybody?

Oh, we just need a picture actually and we'll just judge. Yeah, if you could just send us in a picture. We want to know when you were hit with the receipts. Yeah. Someone came back with the evidence. With the evidence, the proof. Some messages on my 16th birthday. My super strict mum was out of town

and dad got me and my friend some vodka cruises, which my mum would never have allowed. He left the receipt in the boot of her car. So a literal receipt there. Yeah. Literal receipt. My friend got kicked out of the club because she bought her own drink and we both said there's no way we did that. And they pulled up security tape of her pulling a drink out of her car. I love the effort. There's no way we did that.

Anonymous, who was hit with the receipts? It was my boss that got hit by my receipts. Oh, okay. Your receipts. That's a juicy one. I had a married boss. This was my, like, teenage job. Yeah.

And I was meant to leave my shift at 1 o'clock, and he wasn't returning. So I was like, there's this new customer slash employee that I know something fishy's up. So I drove past her house and the curtains were closed and my boss's car was parked outside. Maybe he was watching a movie on a sunny day. You know, you've got to pull the curtains.

Yeah, and that was a great little photo snap I got there when he told me that he was just out for lunch. Yeah, no, mate, you weren't. Did you pull him up on this? Yeah, because I was actually about to leave my job, so I called him out on all of the horrible things he put me through while I was working there. Oh, wow, and you had the photos as well.

That's brilliant. Did you get a nice holiday, a little payout? Yeah, it was great. And then I left and I've never seen him again. Yeah, I bet. Happy times. Anonymous, thanks. You call some more messages in.

Of when you've been slammed with the receipts. Somebody said, I used to work for a company in Palmerston North and one day the company cars were monitored, GPS tracked, and it started beeping saying it had gone too far. This had never happened before. Right.

And it turned out the person driving the car said they were sick and they couldn't come into work that day but why were they in Wellington? Oh. Oh. Shracking. Our cars do that too. They narc on you. Remember that time I was going 112 and 110?

112 and 110. You got 112 and 100. Yeah, and I got a hundred and ten. You got a hundred and twelve and a hundred. Yeah, and I got a bloody email about it. Yeah. Yeah, not only a ticket,

but the work notes. Oh yeah, they get a beep beep. They get a little notification. Someone said, a flatmate of mine once got caught cheating. We turned up back to the flat

and his girlfriend had a presentation in the lounge of all of the text messages and conversations that he'd been having with the person that he'd been cheating on her with. I would love that so much. Putting together a little one. When I was 16

my friends and I egged a person's house and this was actually the second time we'd done it. The first time we'd done it she posted on InstaStory saying she was getting security cameras. So this time we left a little note on a receipt a McDonald's receipt saying nice security cameras Her and her family went to that McDonald's

With the time stamped receipt Accessed the security cameras Saw it was us Buying the exact same thing At the exact same time And taking the receipt And we got busted What a story

That's multiple layers. That's badass. An actual receipt too. Wow. Yeah, an actual, actual receipt. Yesterday was supposed to be, the weather was nice. And I didn't have, on Monday, I spent all day editing videos. And it was just like I just On a nice day

I hate sitting inside Yeah It gives me Not anxiety But it makes Cabin fever Yeah kind of Everything feels smaller

When you look outside And it's a nice day And Monday was a beautiful day Scorcher Finally felt like summer Had hit Auckland after I don't know The monsoon season

We've been experiencing Now it's gone So then I got all that Out of the way, and yesterday was supposed to be a nice day. I was going to mow my lawns. I was going to, that was the main thing I wanted to do because it had been raining so much, the grass, and warm.

The grass had really grown. I was like, get some mower time under my belt. Get some mower time under my belt. It's good to treat yourself. Yeah, and the cows needed to be shifted into a paddock, so I take a bit of pride in putting up a good fence, a little temporary fence. That's...

It's all great sexy stuff, isn't it? It's all sexy, sexy stuff. So it started poorly. I went out to the cows to shift the fence, and I had forgotten to turn off the electric fence unit, and so I got a whip crap electric shock. What does it feel like? I've never touched an electric fence.

It's horrible. It hits every joint on the way. I've been electrocuted urinating on one. Have you? Yes. Right up the... I've never had that. It was pretty bad.

Pretty bad. So then went and switched that off, came back, still trying to keep myself in a bit of a chipper mood. I was like, that really hurt, but onwards. And I was setting up the fence and I was walking backwards, putting the wire in the standards. And usually the cows will stay out of my way, but they were in some new grass,

so they were very much concentrating on it. And I backed right on to Humphrey's horn and his horn shot me straight in the gooch. Like a matador. Yeah, I was gored and it a matador. Like a matador. Yeah, I was goored and it freaked him out. So he like moved quickly. Oh my God, don't rip the, don't rip the scrote.

Don't, don't. Thankfully he moved backwards. Because I'd backed onto his horn. But you know, I still thought. Those things are going to tear a hole one day. Yeah. The horns. Yeah.

Don't come asking us for sympathy. For a give a little. Because I've got a, literally I've got a hole in my leg Yeah, they did. Don't come asking us for sympathy. For a give a little. I've got a hole in my leg or my stomach or my gooch, and I'll be like, ouch. And you'll be like, no, I don't want to hear about it. I'll be like, please. Hayley and I have told you you can get cows without horns. Yeah, but they're not as cute.

Look at those big horns. They're not as cute. They're not as cute. Crazy ass horns. They're not as cute. So then pre-mowing, I had to do the weed eating, do around the edging and under bits that the lawnmower doesn't get to. And I was like, listening to my podcast,

listening to my Malcolm Gladwell podcast. God sake, I gave it a go. To fall asleep? He's the guy that wrote The Tipping Point. He's all those books. He's a thinker. Do you know somebody theoretically said AIDS exists

before AIDS was discovered? He studied this thing, this cancer that was caused by a virus and chickens and another guy was doing rats. Purely coincidentally, then they happened to find out about each other and they had a chat. They said, this will exist

in humans. And everyone's like, no, no, no, no, no. And they're like, trust us. And the version of it that they deduced existed was HIV. Wow. And they were like, we should watch out for this. And everyone's like, don't panic us, you silly boys. And then this guy got sick. And they were like, can we get some of your blood?

He's like, yeah. They tested it and he had it. This is Hayley and I's life every morning. Guys, guys, I listened to a Malcolm Gladwell podcast last night. Sorry I'm late. I just got stuck in the car listening to Malcolm Gladwell. I was listening to a Malcolm Gladwell podcast. I do love Malcolm Gladwell.

He's very intelligent, but he needs to peep it up a bit. A bit of music. He's got a bit of pep. No. He's got a bit of pep. He's dreary. Wow. We don't say that a bit at night.

I've crossed the line. You've crossed the line on my Malcolm. And so I was listening to that, fascinated, and I hit a dog shit with the weed eater and it went on my face. In your mouth? I like to think it didn't go in my mouth. You've got a beard protector. The beard protector protected me, but I felt it.

And you know how, have you ever mowed the lawns and hit a dog poo? Even if you don't know it's there, you immediately smell it. I hit a white one once. You know how, have you ever mowed the lawns and hit a dog poo? Even if you don't know it's there, you immediately smell it. I hit a white one once. You know the white dog? They're the worst because they powder. They go, it's like hitting a puff ball. Yes. No, this one was lovely and runny.

So it went on me. Which dog? Could you tell? Don't know. Weirdly, you might think that's silly. We've got three dogs. You can tell the small dog's poo because it's rat-like. It's tiny.

But the other two both take, you know, retriever-sized poos. But you can tell which one's Richie because Richie eats dumb stuff. Like I found the fingers of a gardening glove in one of the ones yesterday. He ate the whole fingers off a gardening glove. This guy's a moron. I found half a hockey ball in one of his the other day. Because he just decided to sit down and chew open a hockey ball. Where's the other half? Still on the outside. No, no, he didn of his the other day. Oh. Because he just decided to sit down and chew open a hockey ball. Where's the other half?

Still on the outside. Probably still inside. No, no, he didn't eat the other half of it. Right. Yeah, so my spa day went really poorly. And then my neat little thing I tow behind the mower that flicks up the grass that I've cut and collects it so I can put it in the compost, the drive shaft of that broke.

So it's just like it was – and I walked inside and I said to Shana, and she knows I'm having a bad day when I say, nothing goes right around here. Which is a saying I inherited from my father, which he inherited from his father. I believe it's the, you know, it's the longest running family tradition we have. We come

in when, really, we haven't experienced that much problems. Oh no. We've been slightly inconvenienced. Nothing goes right around here. I mean, Russia hasn't dropped a bomb on your apartment. Yeah, oh no, no. We're been slightly inconvenienced. Nothing goes right around here. I mean, Russia hasn't dropped a bomb on your apartment. Yeah, I know. We still ate well. We've got clean drinking water.

We slept in beautifully comfortable beds in an insulated house, but we walk in and we're like, nothing. Nothing goes right around here. You have no idea how hard it is. And then Shardai said, what's on your face?

I was like, it's dog shit. I don't want to talk about it. Play. ZM's Fletch, Vaughn and Hayley. Silly Little Pole. Silly Little Pole. Silly Little Pole. Silly Little Pole. Silly Little Pole. Today's Silly Little Pole. And it's talking about situationships. So a romantic or sexual relationship that is not considered to be formal or established.

Friends with Benny's. Yeah. Or, hey, whenever we're in the same city, let's hook up. Yeah, but it's never really been discussed, has it? Like, what are we? I had this. I did one of these. Maybe about a year with a pal when we were both

single and hanging around. It was fun. We're good friends. Just with a pal? Just with a pal of mine. Why not? Not for me. Shout out to Kelly. Good with a pal of mine. Why not? Not for me. Shout out to Kelly. Good friends. Still good friends.

We had a lot of fun, didn't we, Kelly? Oh, man. Those were the days. That's a unisexual name, isn't it? I know. It really is. I know. No, don't.

Don't. We'll just leave it at that. Yes, leave it at that. We will leave it at that. So, I wonder if they are listening. I just let the boys know which one was which. In the most primerscore way possible. Anyway, we asked, have you ever been in a situation, Ship, like myself?

45% of people said yes, 55% said no. That's a lot of people rocking around in these informal relationships. I guess a lot of people wouldn't want to go that far, right? Like they'd want to know what it is. Yeah. Now, situationship I thought of as like an open

kind of friends of benefits thing, but maybe people are thinking it's a lot of other things because Dan messaged saying, I'm currently dating a guy who's engaged. Now that's cheating. That's an affair. Yeah, what you're describing there, Dan, is an affair. Although, it's an arrangement.

It's an arrangement. It could be a full legal arrangement. Maybe the person that they're engaged to knows. Who knows? Well, yeah,'re engaged to knows. Who knows? Well, yeah, they could have permission. Who knows the nose? Because you've got permission to Jason Momoa. Only Jason Momoa.

Yeah. I've actually got permission for Jason Momoa as well, so game on. Bring it. Kirstie says, met on Tinder, spent a year together. We would always visit my place. Didn't meet any of his friends or family. Finally asked if he wanted to get a bit more serious and he blocked me.

I have heard from him since. A year? Kirstie, I'm gonna say this as well. Kirstie, scrolling in. She's a straight 10. Oh, wow. A year though, and just to be brutally blocked? Like, I can imagine after a week or something, but a whole year?

Ashley says, currently in one. melty face, don't recommend. They can be confusing if it's not clear. Unlike me and Kelly. Clear as... We had great communication. Yeah. Clear as the water in the Polaris sounds. Beautiful.

Super clear. Just really blue? Well, no. I mean blue and sugar. It's a beautiful river. I think that's my favourite river. It's a gorgeous river. Have we talked about our favourite rivers?

That's my favourite river. We should do final rankings. Is that your hour? I think it is. Wow. Mine is... Oh, but what about the blue pools in Wanaka? Just out of Wanaka.

But that's a lake. No, but it's a river. It's a river. No, the blue pools are a river and they just pool on the side. What about the Waweri Falls? Or should I not go chasing waterfalls? Should I stick to the rivers and lakes like we've been discussing? Yeah, my favourite is the rivers of Babylon.

Oh. We had... No, you're by the rivers. No, you're in them. No, you never get in the rivers. Rivers of Babylon. where we first met. Don't get me started on Bodhi. Okay, don't.

Did we weep? And remembered Zion. Also, that's a little tease for Friday. I'm doing a long tease. You are not doing that for Friday Flashback. 807. I will turn the radio station off. 807 AM Friday, my Friday Flashback. See you there. You're the radio station off. 807 AM Friday,

my Friday flashback. See you there. You're going to do that Christmas song, aren't you? Anonymous message says, situationship four years long and going strong. Now that's a relationship.

No, but they've got names on it. Are you allowed to sleep with other people? Absolutely. Me and Kelly did. Friends with no real definition of what we were, but didn't see other people.

Ended up with an unexpected pregnancy, and he left. Never to be heard from again. What? And now a five-year-old has never met their dad. Also lost a good friend, so really don't recommend him. No, you didn't lose a good friend. He lost a piece of sh...

He's probably in the... Rivers of Babylon. But this poor cat, he's probably in the orphanage. Oh, no. Is that you just said, oh, no, Christmas spirit, step that down again. Santa won't be able to fly the sleigh. I never met my father.

Oh, don't talk like that. You're sucking up the joy of Christmas. But it makes me think of my father at Christmas. Oh, but your father. But you're the same age as me. Father's only a title. Anyone can impregnate a woman, but it takes a real dad

to stick around, and I'm not going anywhere. Oh, thank you, Daddy. My pleasure. Daughter. Oh, it's the Christmas spirit's going on. Mr. F's a Christmas spirit. Mr. Fletcher, Mr. Fletcher,

the sleigh's almost ready to fly, but you need to sing a Christmas song all by yourself. I'm not singing a Christmas song. Jingle bell, jingle bell,

jingle bell, well done, daughter. Jingle bells, thank you, daddy. Come on, keep singing.

Bells ring. You've got to sing, Mr. Fletcher. It's working. Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells. Is it working? The sleigh is full of magic power. Santa flies again. Santa's alive and so is my new dad. I sure am.

Oh, no, I'm dying. I'm an orphan again. Okay, I should not have encouraged you. Oh. I wasn't an orphan. It's the improv orphanage, guys. It's my new favourite segment of the show. The improv orphanage.

I'm losing my mind that's the second edition of Improv Orphanage on the show today you missed the earlier one grab it in the podcast stay tuned for more we've got some more messages Laura says

he was a good mate of mine that became more but we broke it off after being together in a situationship for a year, telling me he had committed commitment issues even though he cried to me about having feelings for me a couple of weeks prior. Then maybe two weeks

after we broke it off, he started dating someone in our friend group but was denying it and making me feel bad even though it was obvious he never knew. Long story short, don't do it. A lot of people are afraid. And then the next picture is a photo of Vaughn's chest with a sweat mark that looks like a C and B.

No, it looks like an elephant. Yeah. I was sweating yesterday in my T-shirt, and I saw it in the mirror, and I was like, my sweat marks look like an elephant. So I took a photo and sent it to the group, and everybody said C and B. C and B.

I think we put that on social media, Carly, and we do a poll. Does Vaughan's sweat mark look like A, an elephant, or B, C and B. CMB. I think we put that on social media, Carwood, and we do a poll. Does Vaughan's sweat mark look like A, an elephant, or B, CMB? She's saying that's kind of gesturing it's not good social media. I think I know social media.

I think you do. Because you grew up in an orphanage. That's today's silly little poll. No. Fact of the day is next. Play ZM's Fletch, Vaughan, and. No. Fact of the day is next. Play ZM's Fletch, Vaughn and Hayley. Fact of the day, day, day, day, day. Today's fact of the Day, if I said to you, trees in Los Angeles, what would you say?

Palm trees. Well done. God, yes. Well done, sir. Thank you. Well, today's Fact of the Day is about Los Angeles palm trees and the fact that there are no native palm trees to the Los Angeles area. Oh, they're all imported. They're all bought in.

Really? Yeah. So LA when first settled. Color me shocked. Well, whereabouts on the Resene chart does that fall? It's a purple. A purple. I think it's a lavender.

It's a lavender. It's a light lavender-y purple. Well, consider yourself that color now. They brought them in because they wanted it to seem more tropical and less like the West, the Wild West. It was a dusty old town, LA. Very dry. Originally cows, it was all just stock.

It was kind of like that was what you did when you went to LA. San Fran had the gold rush. They had the big port. They had a bigger port. That was like a bit of a posh town back in the early settlement days. Was the port tawny or? It was a ruby port. Right.

And up north, Oregon was like you're logging, but more industrial. And LA was where the cows were basically. It was a continuing of the west. And so when they decided to start changing the appearance of it, make it more of an endearing place to move your family to, they were like, it's got the climate, why don't we just make it seem tropical? How do you make a place

seem tropical? Let's plant palm trees. So they shipped in a whole lot of palm trees. They were digging them up from where they were from and they grew quite well there. So they're like, well, obviously this is our vibe now. This is our tree. It's worked for them, hasn't it?

Yeah. Because you don't even know. No. Lying in the streets and stuff, when you're in LA, you feel like palm trees have been there forever. Yeah. The closest thing to a palm tree that LA would have is found right on the outskirts of Southern California

in the desert. In the Mojave Desert. Right. The Californian fan palm. But yeah, it's only just in California. Okay. So yeah, next time you're in LA or if you see LA in TV shows and you see all the palm trees,

none native. Just like most of Hollywood. Just fake. All lies and fakeness. All lies to make it all seem perfect. Fact of the day, day, day, day, day. Yesterday in Parliament, there was a bit of back and forth. I thought they'd finish for the year.

No, it's still working. Yeah, it's still working. The back and forth. Also, you can't be in Parliament and go, like, do Christmas on the 1st of December when everyone else is working. Yeah, but what are they doing for the tail end of the year? Just sort of cleaning out the drawers. Yeah, chairs on top of the tables.

Yeah. Lunches, chairs on the tables. Working out what class they're going to be in next year. Yeah. There was a situation where, as the Prime Minister was asked a question by David Seymour, which I believe he asked her, has she ever made a mistake and apologised for it, or something like that. I think it was about the handling of MIQ facilities, or was it COVID-related stuff?

Sure, I mean, she's been busy. Yeah. Because, I mean, David Seymour was all for just not doing it and about the handling of MIQ facilities or was it COVID-related stuff? Sure, I mean, she's been busy. Yeah. Because, I mean, David Seymour was awful just not doing it and opening the country, wasn't he? Correct, yeah. After about two weeks of the pandemic with no vaccine. Yeah, before there was a vaccine. Yeah, that's right.

Well, it's because he's all about killing old people. Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? By choice or not by choice. Yeah, exactly. It's a passion of his. It turns out he wants them gone. Yeah.

I mean, we're big fans. Yeah, wants them gone. Yeah. Don't get me wrong. Yeah, I vote Act. They're not, to me, not right enough. Yeah, more, go harder right. I just need someone to represent. You know what? I think the Conservative Christian Party have got some bloody ideal points of view. Me too.

Me too. I think we should be basing our parliament on a book written 1500 years ago, personally anyway anyway, as she sat down, the microphone was still on, as she sat down she said, he's such an arrogant prick to the person next to her, Grant Robinson I believe

you may have heard the audio I read the headline before I heard the audio it's very hard to It's so hard. I read the headline before I heard the audio. The audio is very hard to hear. Very, yeah. But you can tell it is what she says. It's like, you can just sort of hear very lightly. Yeah, and she did come out and apologise.

I would have said, no, I didn't say he's an arrogant dick. I said he's a surrogate. Mother. He's my surrogate mother for me to be. Well, she did apologise even I was reading an article she texted him

and said look it was inappropriate I really apologise and he texts back being like look it is what it is you know it's fine

he doesn't care it's all fine but if you've ever watched like parliament you know when you're flicking through and you just catch parliament TV

on the free view yeah they're just like it's like kids they're like if kids were in high school if you were a teacher you're flicking through and you just catch Parliament TV on the free view. Yeah. They're just like, it's like kids. It's like high school. If you were a teacher and kids were behaving that way,

you'd be sending them off in droves. You'd be like, principal's office, get out of here. And these are the people like in charge of the country. Yeah, they just yell

and yell and yell. Yeah. Even if you were at a comedy club and you were talking and someone started heckling you that much, you'd be stopped.

You'd be like, can somebody get rid of me, please? Yeah. That's very rude. Well, they do. They remove people from the house. Yeah. The speaker can ask you to leave. But we were wondering, obviously not everybody speaks. What's the matter there? You got your finger right down your mouth. I just had a bit of apple in the top of my mouth. Oh, a bit of apple in the

back tooth? Yeah, yeah, get that every now and then. Sorry about that. But if skin gets wrapped around a molar, it'd be hard to get out. You've really got to get your tongue to work in those situations. But we were wondering, given that not everybody speaks into a microphone every day or represents their area in New Zealand's political system, we were wondering just when somebody heard you. And you didn't realise it was someone. Maybe someone was in the next room. Like you were talking about a friend or someone at work.

It just makes me so like, oh. Oh, God, Jenny's re-heading the tuner in the next room. Yeah. Like you were talking about a friend or someone at work. It just makes me so like, oh God, Jenny's re-heading the tuna in the microwave again. They were like, no, it's not her lunch, it's her. Yeah.

And then she's right around the corner. She was just at the photocopier and she heard everything. Yeah. And now she's sniffing her pits and crying. And realising.

And it's horrible too because. How do you smell yourself? Because she's done well for herself. She was an orphan. Oh no. Yeah, because we grew up with her. Ginny.

But she got chosen. You're not speaking about... Oh my God. No, we didn't call her Ginny. We called her smelly old... Smelly cat. We called her smelly cat. She smells.

But what does it say about us? Because she got chosen by a lovely couple. She got chosen. And we got left behind. Maybe the lesson was kindness all along. Oh. It's us. We deserve to have dead parents because we're terrible children.

No wonder my parents died. Santa's not coming this year. But it's not too late to turn it round. How are we going to do it? We're going to sing a song with Mr Fletcher. Mr Fletcher, please sing with us to turn it round. Sing us any song, Mr Fletcher.

It doesn't even need to be a Christmas song, but I mean, it is the time of year. It is. Last Christmas, I gave you my heart. And the very next day, you gave me all the Christmas joy. Who is it? It's a man here to adopt you. There's got to be more questions.

You can't just walk in and say you're taking one of us. Nope, this is how it works. I don't want to go with that man. Take her. No, I think there go with that man. Take her. No, I think there's some paperwork to do, sir. In fact, who let you in? Mr Fletcher, stranger danger, stranger danger. He's an evil man, Mr Fletcher.

I don't like the cut of his chin. I started this. I started it again. You can't take my only friend. Will we even go together? Oh, not at all. Are we doing this phone-in topic? Yeah, what are we doing?

Nah. What time is it? Nah. Should we do a final? Should we do a final? Were you an orphan? How'd you get out? Being loudfusker.

Have you got any advice? Okay, let's flag it. Maybe if you're a rescue dog. Let's just flag it. And you're listening and they picked you out of the line-up of all the other mangy mutts, why don't they pick you and give an orphan a little bit of advice? Try to find a family for Christmas. I tried.

I play the piano. I sing. I'm really polite and pleasant. I would take that maybe on board as feedback that every time you sing or play the piano, they leave you behind. You're a noisy child. I'll be more quiet.

I'll be silent. Listen. It's hard. Play ZM's Fletch Vaughan and Hayley. Play ZM. Well, the Prime Minister yesterday caught on a hot mic calling Act Leader David Seymour a slippery weasel. What was it? Arrogant prick. An arrogant prick. Yeah, it's one of those. Slippery weasel.

Oh, that slippery weasel. He's got a weaselly little face. So we want to know from you, and we've had some responses despite our derailment into a orphans improv.

So yeah, improv. So, yeah, when the mic's been on, somebody said Jason Gunn came to our school and spoke. Yeah. At the halftime break, he went to the bathroom and he left a microphone on and we heard him go, as he started pissing. Gunny! That could have been so much worse.

Well, the Prime Minister Caught on mic Calling David Seymour An arrogant prick Yeah She's since apologised We want to know If you've had a hot mic moment

Or just when Someone's overheard you She said that her mum said If you don't have anything nice to say Don't say anything at all And my mum said Never apologise for telling the truth And my mum also said

Never throw the first punch But make sure you throw the last And my mum said David, never throw the first punch, but make sure you throw the last. And my mum said, David Seymour's an arrogant prick. Wow. So what do we do with either? Whose mum are we listening to here? So we want to talk about when you've overheard something, wasn't meant for you, what did you hear? Some messages in. The doctor called my wife for a follow-up appointment. My wife. My wife. The doctor called my wife for a

follow-up appointment, and then he didn't hang up the phone at the end and left a seven-minute-long voice recording where we heard him and another doctor S-H-I-T talking my wife. And that stalked her because they knew about her outside commitments without her ever telling them about them.

It was insane when we were listening back to it. Was there a complaint? Because could you have made some, made a, like, complaint? Yeah. Well, remember there was that woman who was under surgery and she was recording and they were bad-mouthing her body, like shaming her while she was under and she listened to it afterwards and she sued them and got a ton of money.

So if you're a surgeon, always check for the iPhone recorder. Yeah, just check. And run a white noise machine or a dryer like they did on Sopranos. So the recorder picks that up. I worked in retail selling fridges, had a horrible customer experience. When they

left, I mocked and mimicked them. And then they walked back around the corner. It turns out they hadn't left. They were just behind a tall fridge. Oh, my God. I just want the ground to swallow me up. Same. I hate that. Was working as a paramedic in one of New Zealand's main cities

and the dispatcher... Auckland. Christ, George. So they just said one of New Zealand's main cities. The dispatcher was slagging off one of the paramedics really badly. Her mic was still on. She was broadcasting it to all the ambulances and managers. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Oh, no. I went to a school ball with a very awkward boy that had plucked up the courage to ask me, and my mum said that I needed to go. So I went with him. And when he was away from the group that we'd been standing in, we bagged him. I was mid-bagging him when I look up and there he is, standing in the group and

looking at me like a punched puppy. Oh! That was 40 years ago. I've never recovered. It haunts me deeply. I ran into him in my later years at uni and I apologised, but he said it was all good and he'd forgotten about it. Well, then you reminded him.

Did he look like a punched puppy the second time? Or just a scorned puppy? A told-off puppy. Yeah. So always check your surroundings, is what we're learning from this. Or just if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything.

Oh. I just say anything. Oh. I just heard your tummy go. Yeah, that was my tum-tums. That was my tum-tum-tums. Hey, guys, I reckon that was the most fun I've ever had on a show. Ah, not for me. Vaughan? Nowhere even close.

No, nowhere even close. Nowhere even close. You haven't been here long, have you? No, I haven't. No. Well, if you were listening and you had fun, why don't you give us a little review and a rating?