ZM's Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley - Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley Podcast - 14th November 2022

Episode Date: November 13, 2022

Rats love Gaga  Silly Little Poll!  Top 6: Army  What weren't you allowed to Touch?  It's Beginning to Look a lot Like Christmas!  Monday Maestro's  Fact of the Day Day Day Day Daaaaay!See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

The ZM Podcast Network. Play ZM's Fletch, Vaughan and Hayley. Hello, welcome to the Fletch, Vaughan and Hayley podcast. It's thanks to McCafe, great barista made coffee on the go. I reckon you are going to love today's podcast. A hungover dusty pod. It's a laugh. It's loose. At one point, Fletch, he's phoning it in.

Particularly enjoy the intro to Fact of the Day. Absolutely phones it in. Absolutely phoned it in today. Yep, I really did. I didn't even try, did I? Hey, you push the buttons and you click the mouse. Thank you. No, I did pretty good, I think. Otherwise? Vaughan, did it feel like you did a lot of heavy lifting? Yeah, sexy wheelbarrow back again today. A little pumped up tyre on the front. No, it's a half flat tyre. I did too much socialising at the weekend. Emotionally exhausted.

Yeah, emotionally drained. I would like to preface this by saying how much I appreciate all of our fans and all the people that send us lovely messages. All of the lovely people that send a little DM on Instagram to me with things they think I might be interested in. I love it.

However, this is my official announcement. Oh, okay. I don't need any more links to Jason Momoa taking his clothes off on Jimmy Kimmel. But isn't every time you receive that, isn't that another reminder about just what a sex god he is? Yeah, but I feel like after DM 300 about it,

I've, guys, I appreciate it. I know why you want to send me this clip and feel like she needs to see this. The well's dry. The well,

I need a, I need a break. Yeah. You know what I mean? I don't want to break break. Yeah. You know what I mean? I don't want to break it. Yeah. I've got to lay off for a bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm going, yeah. You know what I mean? I'm taking pause. It's not that you don't appreciate it. I appreciate it so much. You over-appreciate it. I over-appreciated it. Yeah.

And now I need to cool off. Yeah. And every time that I got that link,reciate it. I overappreciated it. Yeah. And now I need to cool off. Yeah. And every time that I got that link, I opened it. Please know that it wasn't a waste. Well, you were doing No Nut November, weren't you? Until this happened. Not anymore. How long did I last?

14 days. Yeah. Oh, we start. I mean, that came out like Thursday, didn't it? Okay, so not even. Before that, there was the fishing photo of him in the Marlowe. Yeah, so I'd already broken it then. With the butt like that.

And then I've changed my work laptop background to more and more having a carrot. So that's like a couple of times a day. A day into? God, you didn't last at all, did you? Yeah, nah. I mean, you tried your best. I did try my best. So thank you very much To everyone

Keep seeing Just seeing Different Jason Momoa Yeah Give me some other Give me some new stuff Maybe yeah Give me something else

That I like Might not have seen Great stuff More based Please More based But just I've seen the Kimmel clip

Okay I've liked it a lot Let's wrap this up I need eggs Yeah he does need eggs. Oh, I was going to play us out. Remember when I've just picked up this plastic ruler from somewhere? A hole?

Plastic rulers used to have a hole in them, and you could play a little whistly tune through them. Yes. Well, you have to play us out in a different way with the ruler. You're a big Rolf Harris fan, aren't you? Hey, are wobble boards back yet, or is Rolf Harris? Tie your kangaroo down, sport. Tie your kangaroo down, wobble, wobble, wobble.

Tie your kangaroo down, sport. Why don't you come over here and sit on Uncle Rolf's knee? Tie your kangaroo down. Yee-haw! Play ZM's Fletch, Vaughn and Hayley. Thank you, Sam. Good morning. Welcome to the show, Fletch, Vaughn and Hayley.

God, you sound chipper, don't you? Two minutes past six. I sound a little hoarse. You do sound a little hoarse. A little hoarse. A pony. I sound like a pony. Well, look, not going to lie, it's 6.02 and our McDonald's order is on the way.

Friday Jam's live last night. What a day. So much fun. Cohen said it's $89 worth of McDonald's. Yeah. But then you said you were only getting $9 worth of McDonald's. I'm getting Nugs. Where does the other $80 sit?

I'm getting Bagel, Nugs, Hash Browns. Okay, there. There's a good chunk. There's a big chunk of it. I've gone to transfer. I think it was $27 on my behalf. Yeah, producer Jared, I think, has ordered, he was actually, sent a

message to the group chat, which made it through on the dodgy cell phone reception. You were in bed during Macklemore. Yeah. I was like, where's Jared in the crowd? That looks like a bed. I had to put myself to bed. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you did.

It's good to know your limits though. Fun times. Good to know your limits and get it done. Okay, well there's that accounted for. Good fun. I mean, it was a shame TLC had to pull out because one of them had COVID. Yeah. But

honestly, it was such a good night. Yeah. Macklemore was amazing. Oh, my God. So good. He's wearing sort of like a green beret. It was hot. I think I might get a beret. Do you think I could rock a beret?

Hat boys? Some feedback? Yeah, I think so. Yeah, I think you could. I think so. I think you could rock a beret. Because you do a cap. Yeah.

Vaughn, you do a beanie. Yeah. I could rock a beret. Be one of the hat boys. It's possible. Sort of the French connection. Yeah. Thank you for your faith in me.

Back on the show this morning at 7 and 8, ZMT Tank. You love this competition. You know I love ZMT Tank. I know you love this competition. So it's your chance to win free fuel. So let's now for the activator. Just before the news soon at 7 and then at 8, basically the dollar amount

counts up the fuel amount. You've got to say stop before it explodes. Last time the petrol station exploded, which I thought at the time was a very interesting way to say you've reached the limit. Are we, Producer Gerard, do we know to see petrol station explode or does it

just buzzer? Do we just have a buzzer? I believe it's a buzzer. Oh, damn it. So no explosion. It's PC madness. You can't even blow up a petrol station anymore. You can ram rate a shot,

but you can't blow up a petrol station. You've got to say stomp before the buzzer buzzes or the pump comes off. So yeah, free fuel soon on the show. The top six as well is coming up. Yeah, top six ways to get people on the army and keep them there. So, yeah, free fuel soon on the show. The top six as well is coming up.

Yeah, top six ways to get people on the army and keep them there. Yeah, because they're losing people. Yeah. Probably that whole MIQ thing. Remember when everyone went to join the Air Force? Oh, that's right. And they had to supervise MIQ. They had to supervise the rat bags.

Yeah. Oh, that's right. Just want to blow stuff up. You know, even the army band had to do that. I've got a lot of friends in the New Zealand army band, and they had to do their quarantine watch. What about the trumpets? Yes.

Keep them awake, though. Wake them up at 6 a.m. Wake up these quarantined people at 6 a.m. with a bugle. Or if somebody jumped the fence. Yeah, do that and then release the dogs. Yes. Like a fox hunt, except it's an escapee hunt. All right, next on the show.

People are happier if they do this one thing, and that means I am very happy. Is it nuggets? Is it nugs before seven? Well, I'll tell you when they arrive. I'm excited. I'm excited. Play.

ZM's Fletch Vaughan and Hayley. Would you consider yourselves swearers? Ah, yes. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. I love a swear. Yeah, same.

I sort of feel like in this day and age, swearing's just part of language, you know? It's very demonised, isn't it? Especially in New Zealand, we're pretty loose with it, aren't we? Yeah. Yeah. Shall I swear? A casual C-bomb in front of an American,

you'll really see how everybody else still doesn't quite know how that... The C is a big thing in America, right? Yeah. Whereas here, it's sort of a... A term of endearment. Yeah, compliment. What a GC. My daughter heard wanker for the first time at the weekend

because my mother referred to somebody as a wanker. Which is about as bad as it gets for my mum. Yeah, wow. Did you tell her off for swearing in front of your kids? No, she didn't. She messaged me and the girls were on my phone at the time and Andy said, what's a wanker? And I laughed and I said, I beg your pardon. And she said, oh, that's what Nana called that man you just told her about. And long story.

And yeah, she was like, what does that mean? I was like, I not really want to explain the origins of that term just now, but I'll just say it. Did you say ask your mother? I just said it's an insult. Right. She laughed and said it a bunch. I said, good, get it out of your system.

Don't say that at school. I remember the first time I swore in front of my parents and I remember consciously going, I'm going to say this. Really? P-I-S-S. Really? And I remember being, I was going to say something like, I need to go to the bathroom, which I constantly did as a kid

before the kidney removed. And then I remember saying, thinking in my head like, I'm going to say to mum, I need to take a piss. Really? How did it go down? I was on the street in Eastbourne and we were leaving the four-square. In public? Yeah, and I said to mum, hey mum.

Because she couldn't give you a hiding in public, right? No, but she gave the vice grip. Oh yes. I think she said, don't you say that. And I never swore at my parents. Right. Well, apparently not only is swearing a lot of fun and it makes you feel giggly,

it actually makes you healthier and happier. Really? I know. Great pain relief in a swear. Like if you kick your toe, that immediate good, just deep, growling swear word. Yeah, well, there's something in there. Swearing, they think, they being studiers, researchers,

they think that it ignites your fight or flight response and releases positive hormones to make you feel better, like if you hurt yourself. Because usually when you swear, it's because you're trying to like, really express something bad. It actually releases some of those happy hormones making you feel better,

making you feel happier, which reduces stress, which increases the longevity of your life. Fantastic. So, swear away. So. Well, not Yeah, yeah. Shit swear away. So? Well, not, yeah, yeah. Shh. Come on.

Ah, let's, okay. It's so tempting. Yeah. Have a little swear. Would you, would you, when the girls start swearing as part of their sort of. They're not allowed to swear at people. Yes. They're allowed to like swear to, if they hurt themselves. Yeah.

That's also a great tip If you've got a kid And they won't let you Take a plaster off You let them have Like a swear as you do it Oh really Oh do you say You're allowed to swear

You're allowed to swear As you rip the plaster off Because you know When you're a kid You don't want anyone To take the plaster off What word do the girls go for They get to pick

August always picks The F word Oh my god I would love to hear August say the F word Play ZM's Fletch, Vaughn and Hayley. Hayley, I'm just trying to find a Lady Gaga song.

Do you not know any? No, I've just searched the database. It's that Lady Gaga song. It's an older one. Ma, ma, ma, ma, ma. Pa, pa, pa, pa, pa, pa, pa. This is a bizarre story out of Tokyo. God, he knows the lyrics, doesn't he?

Thank you. He's an old fan. Ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma. Pa, pa, pa, pa, pa, pa. I don't know why this is being studied, but researchers in Tokyo have discovered that rats, rats have rhythm. And up till now it's thought that it's only really humans

that have this ability to keep in time. Well, not white people. Or Fletch in particular. Or me at all. Not all humans. Not all humans, no. I have zero rhythm. You've got to have a little something something in you.

So they have worked out that your rats manage to keep time with all tracks that are played at 132 beats per minute. The same as humans. It's peppy. So yeah, they liked Lady Gaga. They liked Queen. Yes! And also some Mozart. But would Mozart be 132 beats a minute?

No, Mozart would be like 180. Yeah. Would it? 180. No, I thought it'd be a lot slower. No, Mozart's peppy. Is it? Yeah. Oh, well maybe it would be... lot slower. No, Mozart's peppy. Is it? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, well, maybe it would be. Should I pull up some Mozart? You pull up some 132 beats. Some little Rondo. Mozart. Some Rondo alla Turca. I don't know what you're talking about. Diddly-lee, diddly-lee, diddly-lee.

Diddly-lee, diddly-lee, diddly-lee. You should just say to Fletch that song from Lemmings. You'd be familiar with that song from Lemmings. Okay, right. How did they know they had rhythm with it? Did they take their little rat toes? What am I pulling up? Ronda. Ronda? No. That's the song from Lemmings. Okay, right. How did they know they had rhythm with it? Did they take their little rat toes? What am I pulling up?

Ronda. Ronda? Rondo Alaturka. Rondo. Well, this wasn't one of his top ten hits. So they, researchers, fitted the rats with little equipment. I don't know what the equipment was. It just says equipment. Little skirts and tambourines.

Yeah, and they could detect when the rats moved their head and when they played Lady Gaga, Born This Way, Another One Bites The Dust or Sonata, Mozart Piano Sonata. Oh, yeah. The rats would keep in time. I got that one. Anything slower or faster they didn't like and they didn't do it. Oh, I played this when I was a kid.

Dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee. Oh Jesus, what a little slayer. Look, mummy, look what I've learned at piano school. Are you proud of me, mummy? Oh, mummy. I'm sorry for saying piss outside the ball square. Stop slapping my wrists when I make a mistake, mummy. Yeah, ruler just hovering above the keys. Make a mistake, child,

I dare you. I used to play into assembly if you could play an instrument. You know, when people were filing in, you'd play into assembly. Oh, wow. At Queen Margaret's? No, no, no. At primary school. Oh, my gosh.

Yeah, I was really good when I was young, and then I discovered boys and booze. And it got a little bit worse. Derailed. Yeah. Yeah, same with Mozart as well, I believe. So these rats, you said they just bounce their head. Yeah, they just bounce their head.

So they're just white guys in a club, basically, yeah. Yeah, hands in pockets. Yeah. Had their town shoes on. Don't be playing Lady Gaga if you've got a rat problem. They'll be coming in for a bop. Coming in for a bop. Yeah, they'll think it's something.

Any word on what they couldn't stand? Anything faster or slower than 132 beats. Not interested. So 132 is their area of expertise? Yep, 100%. It's lovely, isn't it? It is nice. Shall I play into the show sometimes?

Maybe sort of at 5.50. Sort of the Paul Schaefer. Yeah. Of this Letterman Late Show. Next on the show, Silly Little Pole. How do we feel about high school reunions? It's a hard no from me. Yeah, same.

Play ZM's Fletch, Vaughan and Hayley. Fletch, Vaughan and Hayley. Silly Little Pole. Silly Little Pole. Silly little pole. It is so silly, silly, silly that the silly little pole. Silly little pole. Silly little pole. Silly little pole.

Silly little pole. Silly little pole. High school reunions, yes or no? I went to one in 2019. It was a 20 yearsyear since 7th form one. Someone the other day was talking about a 10-year high school reunion. No, but I know that these are happening now. It's too fresh.

It's too, yeah. 10's very fresh. 20 was interesting. Like, most of the people there I had seen on Facebook and stuff anyway. I feel like they're kind of a bit irrelevant now. Yeah, totally in the gates. Yeah, you've got everybody on social that you want on social

and everyone you don't have on social you don't care about anyway. Yeah. I just deleted a whole bunch of high school people from my Facebook. But then there's also a couple of people from high school that never got into social media. Nah, yeah, I know.

And you're like, who are you? What happened to them? Like, are they in prison? No, no, no, they just never got into it. Right,, yeah, I know. And you're like, where are you? What happened to them? Like, are they in prison? No, no, no, they just never got into it. Right, maybe they're dead. Are they dead? No, they're not dead, they just never got into it. How do you know they're not dead if they're not on social media? Because I ask about them. Do you know people you went to school with that are now dead?

No, I don't. That's pretty wild. I do. Do you? Yeah. Well, they die from old age. Oh, right. Other causes. Other causes. But other things. And you're just like, that's wild. Cheeky bitch, wasn't it?

It was cheeky. I know she's cheeky. She's cheeky bitch. I feel a little cheeky. Wow. I feel a little cheeky this morning. I'm going to cancel the Uber Eats. No.

See how cheeky you are without any food in your tummy. No. I don't know. If I know anybody. No, but it's just wild that when people die, it's like, oh my God, they're dead. And I went to school with them. Do you know what?

Everyone dies. I know. Spoiler alert, guys. Not me. I know. You've done that. Hayley's got a thing about dying. She doesn't want to die.

I do not want to die. If there was an immortality. I plan to be there. What? Not when you die, but like afterwards. Be like, told you. You're going to say to my coffin Yeah I'll lean in Because you'll go open casket

Because you're all like Look at me Yeah you are Look at me I'm Maori You'll go open casket And I'll lean in And I'll be like I told you so

I'll be like What did you say to her I'll be like Oh I'll see you later Told you you're a dead cow Told you you'd die Told you Told you it happened to everybody you, you don't. Told you. Told you it happened to everybody.

And then I'm going to be like, oh, oh, oh. And I'm just going to crawl in and I'll be like, two for one. Tell my family not to pay for a cough when I've found one. Quit chugging this on the ground before I start rotting. I haven't been invited to a reunion. When did I? What was your last year of school? 2007. Ah, yeah, you haven't been invited to a reunion. When did I... What was your last year of school? 2007.

Ah, no. Yeah, you haven't been invited. No. Ten's too soon. So, Little Pole, high school reunions, yes or no? 78% of people said no. Yeah. 78% of people.

I'm on a bar of it. Who cares who got fat and has eight kids and is a workaholic? You keep in touch with people you care about anyway from winter. Totally. James says, don't need it now with social media. It was designed to see what your old classmates were up to, but now we can all just see that online. Yep. Jess, I'm so nosy and I want to know what everyone

is doing in life. But if you were that nosy, Jess, you'd already know. Yep. Facebook and socials and such. Dan says, I look much better than I did in high school. And CBF saying thank you for all the compliments. Oh, okay. Dan, I look much better than I did in high school. And CBF saying, thank you for all the compliments. Oh, okay, Dan, I'm sorry. Dan's now a 10 and he's letting us know.

Dan's, big humble brag there from Dan. Big humble brag. Saying, I'm a hottie now and I wasn't then and I can't be bothered with all the compliments. He's probably pushing for a pool reunion, like, you know, like a... Ah, like a pool party. A barbecue pool party so they can take his top off.

Libby says, I escaped those judgy bitches 20 years ago. Would rather give birth again with no pain relief and sit in a room with them. Yeah, exactly. I mean, school is quite horrible for most people, isn't it, really? It's not exactly fun. Yeah.

I don't know. It just feels competitive to me. It does at the time, but then you look back and just try to remember the good parts. No, not high school It just feels competitive to me. It does at the time, but then you look back and just try to remember the good parts about it. No, not high school. Reunions feel competitive. Oh, reunions feel competitive. Oh, okay. No, there wasn't that.

There wasn't that element. How much money have you got? I mean, I took my hot wife to really be like, see? Yeah. So, okay. Sade, put on a crop top, please. Yeah, Sade, please get them out. Yep.

Got to show these guys that picked on me in high school. And then she hooks up with the guy at the pool with this shirt on. Dan, you talking about Dan? Dan's a 10 now. No, I'm not voting Dan. You've lost Sade to Dan. Dan's just on the prowl for all of our hot ladies. Yeah.

Yona says, no, they will always bring up the most embarrassing thing you did. Like, oh, dude, remember when? And then just something horrible that I did at school. That was your fault for being out of control. Erica says, we've been trying to plan a 10-year one with my close friends and it's literally impossible. That's the other thing. Try getting, you know, a weekend free that suits everybody.

Yeah. Good luck with that one. So it seems like high school reunions are absolutely off the table. Yeah, and people don't want them, do they? No. Play ZM's Fletchford and Ailey. Play ZM. Went to the Black Ferns v England on Saturday night.

In person. You went to a rugby game. I chose to go to not only a rugby game but a crowded area. Sold out too, wasn't it? Yeah. We had seats right in front of the guy who does the announcements. Ladies and gentlemen. Like what?

Yeah, I turned around. He was like literally right there. In real life. Yeah. And so it was great. So no one was behind me. So I stood the entire game. Did he look like, you know when you hear the voice?

And then it's like a tiny. You had like a picture in your mind? No. Yeah, I. Yeah, I wish I'd heard him before I saw him. But I walked in and I was like, the girl's like, what happens in this box? So I like lifted them so they could see in. Yeah, right. And then you saw all his notes.

And then as we were looking there, he was like, ladies and gentlemen. And we were just like, ah, I've got a fright. But yeah, it was where he was doing all the ground announcing. So it was great knowing behind you. I just stood the entire time. It was a game where you couldn't sit down. Yeah. England scored like two tries real quick in the start.

And I was like, oh, no. But then the girls just dug deep. Bloody hell. What a game. Red card. A couple of red card, a yellow card, injuries. They were playing hard, man. Yeah.

It was a disallowed try by Cousin Renee. I call her Cousin Renee because her last name's Holmes and my mum's last name was Holmes before she got married. Right. So you're related. Cousin Renee. Okay. Cousin Renee ran the entire length of the field,

but then they got pulled back for a number. I know, yeah. They don't let the advantage run that long, Ref. God, you're into it, aren't you? Honestly, the crowd was so good. I haven't grinded. I haven't been to an All Blacks game for so long. But you know how everyone's a bloody noddle a-hole

when it comes to the All Blacks? And it makes it like an unbearable, like if they win, they didn't win good enough. Or if they lose, it was someone's fault and this, that, and the other. Everybody's a critic and a know-it-all, and then you go to the crowd and there's a bloody toxic feel about it sometimes.

This was just the most beautiful bloody crowd. There was not an ounce of aggression. People were having a few casual drinks and felt good, but nothing over the top. Because that's what they project. Exude, totally. You know, like someone, I just read an article about, you know, sometimes in sports, particularly men's sports,

there's a sense of, I'm not saying the All Blacks or any team in particular, but the sense of arrogance or entitlement or, you know, that kind of, yeah, look at me. Whereas they, like, most of the time they were playing with a big smile across their face. Not, you know, just a smile. Totally. That's what my mate in England said.

He was watching online. He was like, the best part about this is the smiling. Stacey Flewler went off hurt and she had this wide grin on her face. Everyone stood her like a blotter off. And when Portia Woodman got hurt, she was getting carted off with a possible head injury. And everyone's just standing there and she's like waving and smiling. It was, yeah, it's a different game.

I love that team. They project such good energy, eh? Amazing energy. And like everything they say about Ruby too is right. Like you just, she's hot. Okay. She is, she's hot. Such a crush on you.

She led the crowd in a tutu to my day. Afterwards, it's standing in front of like the sponsors thing where they have a chat. Absolutely. But she, you don't see it when it's on camera, but in the games you see she darts around. Someone gets hurt, she darts over. You all right, mate?

And then someone comes on, she runs and meets the person coming on, shakes their hand, let's go, let's get this in. And then at the end of it, she ran around and thanked the touch judges and the referees. She's a hell of an example.

Well, none of them are doing media interviews today. Yeah, good. I hope they are. We were actually told, weren't we? If they like to partake, I hope they bloody partook. Oh, same. I hope they were ripped. Yeah, because they did the thing just after midday in Auckland,

downtown, the ceremony. Could have met the public. Did a bit of press, and then it was party time. Probably stayed on the viaduct. I imagine. Good for them. Got on it at Danny Doolin's. Danny Doolin's.

Do you remember we were on the bus last night with people after Friday Jams and someone was like, what's Danny Doolin's? And we just laughed. Oh my God. An institution?

Oh yeah. Yeah, I just said, I'm not laughing in a bad way. I just said, you know, that's just where everyone ends up. No bar in Auckland's viaduct has survived longer than Danny Doolin's. An institution. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I just said, I'm not laughing in a bad way. I just said, you know, that's just where everyone ends up. No bar in Auckland's Viaduct has survived longer than Danny Doolin's. Oh, yeah. It's a cockroach of bars. It will not die.

It's an Irish cockroach. There could be a nuclear, like, let's just say Putin misfires. Yeah. It hits the Viaduct. It'll be the only thing left. The cloud will clear, the dust will settle, and Danny Doolin's will remain unharmed in the middle of it all.

Play. ZM's Fletch, Vaughan and Hayley. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah, blah. This is the Top 6. Hello there. The Army apparently has an attrition rate of 15%. Vaughan, what does that mean?

Thank you for asking. The attrition rate of 15%. Vaughan, what does that mean? Thank you for asking. The attrition rate is the percentage of people that leave. Right. So you can work out your attrition rate by taking the total number of people who left divided by the total number of employees times 100. Now, a good attrition rate, you might be thinking, what's a good attrition rate? 10% or lower is a good business attrition rate. Now, a good attrition rate, you might be thinking, what's a good attrition rate? 10% or lower

is a good business attrition rate. Oh, yeah. So I don't know if that translates to the army, but their attrition rates in the year to August 2022 was 17.4%.

Oh, okay. Yikes, that's up there, isn't it? Yeah. They had to do a lot of MIQ. That probably wasn't sexy, was it? But it's not what people join the army for, is it? Not sexy.

No. Times I would leave the army. One, the obstacle course. Oh, no, it'd be fun as you're a flying fox into a mud puddle. Yeah, but you've got to get up. You've got to climb there. You've got to climb there first. Under the barbed wire in the mud, I'd leave then too.

It's all that, if you want to advance in your ranking as well, you have to do all these like adventure, you know, like go out into the wild for a week and... Oh no, so this is like a horrible school camp. Yeah, it does. Imagine if they were. Imagine if you're going

for your final ranking in the army. Yeah. Grand General. Master. Admiral. Lieutenant. Master and Commander. Yeah. And they were like. Admiral, Lieutenant. Humber. Master and Commander. Yeah. And they were like, okay, so it's a role play. We're going to blindfold you. We're going to drop you in a country.

Now you've got to get the leader, but don't worry, it's just someone acting as the leader. Yeah. And then you're like, okay, this sounds fun. And you do it and you get home and then you pull the sack

off the head of the leader and it's Kim Jong-un. Wow. And you're like, I thought this was a role play, and the army's like, trick you. Kill him. Now, if you want the badge, kill him.

Or something wild like that. Wild, yeah. Did I just write the next Jack Reacher? I think you did, yeah. I think you did. I think I just wrote the next book your dad's going to read on summer holidays. Yes.

A Tom Clancy. Yes. My dad loves that. My dad's going to read on summer holidays. Tom Clancy. Yes. My dad loves that. My dad's not a big reader, but he'll read one of those on holiday. By the way, you know that Beefcake Reacher guy? He's jacked AF at the moment because they're about to film season two. Season two of Jack Reacher. How good was that?

That was so good. He's a better Jack Reacher than Tom Cruise. I thought Jack Reacher was Tom Cruise. No. He wasn't in the movie, but everyone was like, Jack Reacher's six foot four and blonde. Tom Cruise is five foot six and not. Anyway. If you haven't seen that, it's on, is it on Prime?

I think Amazon. Amazon Prime. Yeah, so good. That's so good. I have got the, not to be confused with the other one, with John Krasinski. Oh, Tom Clancy's, that's coming out soon. Yeah, that's a good. What is that called? That show. Oh, Tom Clancy's... That's coming out soon, 10 December.

Yeah, that's a good... What is that called? That show. Jack Reacher and... Tom Clancy's... John Stackhouse. John Stackhouse. That's a pretty...

Jack Ryan. Jack Ryan. He's a CIA agent. Jack Ryan and Jack Reacher. You can see my confusion. Oh, Jack R. Yeah. Well, agent. Jack Ryan and Jack Reacher. You can see my confusion. Oh, Jack R. Yeah. Well, I've got your solutions here, Army,

to keeping these attrition rates below 10. Okay. Number six on the list of the top six ways to get people in the Army and keep them there, snacks. Yeah, man. Good snack table. Good snacks.

That'll keep me. Go along to your little Army briefing. Yeah. Little Army briefing. Oh, my gosh. I'm sorry. I'm out'll keep me. Go along to your little army briefing. Yeah. Little army briefing. Oh my gosh, I'm sorry. Oh my God, how patronising. Go on descending. Go along to your big, big army briefing.

Serious. And there's good snacks. Crunchy bars. Let's get some good snacks. Like a bowl of favourites. Pea snaps. Yeah. Yeah.

None of these like corn nibble BS. Number two on the list of the, no, sorry, number five on the list of the top six ways to get people back in the army and keep them there, casual Fridays. Oh, yeah. Don't have to wear the camo on a Friday. Nah, nah, nah. Jeans and a t-shirt.

Yeah. You could be like trenching through the jungle, but it's jeans and sneakers. You've got to be comfortable. It's casual Friday. You want to do socks and Birkenstocks? Absolutely, yeah. Okay, good.

As long as it's not going to hinder your athletic ability in the field. Well, it's Casual Friday. Yeah, yeah, totally. Number four on the list of the top six ways to get people back in the army and keep them there. Are the army doing enough TikToks? No, is the answer. No, they're not. You want to get people in there, let them do TikToks and sexy camos.

Here's a funny TikTok. You burst into a dorm room of army recruits and you just chuck a smoke bomb in there let them do TikToks and sexy camos here's a funny TikTok you burst into a dorm room of army recruits yeah and you just chuck a smoke bomb in there TikTok hello

and then imagine the chaos hello yeah that'd be great wouldn't it imagine the recruitment yeah and then get a slow-mo video of them running out of the room

because they think it's on fire yeah TikTok put it to some song I don't know put the fear of God in them yeah

catch it on TikTok put a landmine under someone's pillow no don't do that you'll kill them They think it's on fire. Yeah. TikTok. Put it to some song on a night. Put the fear of God in them. Yeah. Catch it on TikTok. Put a landmine under someone's pillow. No, don't do that. You'll kill them. You'll blow their head to pieces. Number three on the list of the top six ways to get people back in the army and keep them there. Working from home option.

Now, how would that work? Snipers. Oh, okay. Just in the backyard. Just obviously sniping from a distance. You say that, but you could be a drone operator and be anywhere. Totally. Well, they used to fly drones from the basement of the White House in the Middle East

using an Xbox controller. Nuts. I know some dudes that could do that. Madness. Number two on the list of the top six ways to get people back in the army. Shooting cannons. It's very old school. Like old school piratey cannons.

It's a cannon, isn't it? Yeah, you pack the gunpowder in. Don't tell me you wouldn't do it. Pop the fuse in, pop the cannonball in, light it. Yeah. But it's bloody 2022, so we'd have to make the cannonballs out of fish food or something. So when it went in the ocean, you know, people weren't having a while. Oh, you buy degradable.

Yeah, buy degradable cannonballs. Yeah, good idea. To feed the fish. Yeah. And number one on the list are the top six ways to get people back in the army and keep them here. Let them take the tanks home on the weekend. Fill it up with gas. So as long as that comes back with as much gas in it as it left here, you can take them home for the weekend.

Put them in a Westfield car park because it's low enough, isn't it? If you said the tanks make their own rules of where they do and do not fit. Yeah, they're low. Parallel parking would be hard. I just wonder if the turret would get stuck when you go around the bend of the Westfields onto the next level. Yeah. Yeah, maybe you could park on the berm outside.

Yeah, good call. Park on a nearby berm. Good luck to Tully's, telling you, if you're in a tank. That is today's top six. Play ZM's Fletch, Vaughn and Hayley. Socially, a very busy weekend for yours truly. Friday, Saturday, Sunday I did something it was too much and now I need to hibernate

I'm a bear, I'm going to eat a lot of salmon and put a rough mix of sticks and mud in my bum hole and go and live in a cave for six months for those that don't know bears bung themselves up hibernation period they've got to keep it in there as long as they can

otherwise god forbid they should starve in the cave. Very busy weekend. But, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but. Had a conversation with my children that raised a few questions. Okay. I don't know how we got onto it. We were talking about Disneyland and Disney. And I said,

Danana and Gigi, this is what they call my parents. Yeah. Danana and Gigi still have Mickey Mouse in the China cabinet and they said, which Mickey Mouse?

And I said, oh, you won't have touched it but it's like Mickey Mouse is conducting an orchestra and you wind them up on the bottom and it goes,

ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding it goes... And that's in the...

That's in a cabinet. It's in the China cabinet. And you're not allowed to touch it. And I was like, yeah, you won't have touched it. And India's like, oh, we're allowed to play with that whenever we want. Like actually get it out. Yeah, we're allowed to get that out and wind it up. They say don't wind it too hard and then it plays out.

And I was like, no, no, we can't be talking about the same one. So I Googled, I found it online. I was like, this one. They're like, yeah. I was just like, we weren't allowed to touch that. Older than you, we weren't allowed to touch that. When they got that, we weren't allowed to touch that. And Indy was like, well, probably because you broke things.

You're too heavy handed. You're too heavy handed. I'm very heavy handed. Boy'm a very heavy handed boy. I would have overwhelmed it. Rather than having to rewind it, like wind it up again, I would have thought I'll just wind it extra tight. Yeah, yeah. And then I would have broken it.

No doubt about it. Yeah. But my parents, yeah, we weren't allowed to touch. Then we got on to talking about, I was like, oh, and I suppose you've been, I suppose you've been allowed to use Nana's sewing scissors as well. Oh, we were never allowed to use the sewing scissors. Joke. Big, heavy pair of scissors.

Like, sometimes you couldn't find the ordinary scissors, and you'd be, like, sneaking into the room with the sewing drawer in it, and you'd open it, and, like, your mum got a spidey sense that you were about to touch the sewing scissors, and you'd just hear... Running down the hallway, and she'd stop. She'd be like, don't touch those sewing scissors. Because we'd take them and cut cardboard with them.

And of course that would blunt them. Blunt them. Yeah. My mum never did sewing. But she had the sewing scissors. Famously, I hate it. But had a beautiful pair of sewing scissors that we weren't allowed to touch. And also those scissors that have like a diamond zigzag.

Yeah. For cutting. What are they? Like a non-fraying hem or something when you're going to sew a hem on. You use those for crafts and get told off because you weren't allowed

to touch those. Yeah. Yeah, definitely weren't allowed to touch those. And it got me thinking that, you know, everybody probably had something in their house growing up

that they weren't to touch. Yeah. But then you tell kids don't touch that and they want to. Or you want to do. Every time I walk past that china cabinet,

I'll be like, I'll wind you one day Mickey. So have you gone back to your parents house and had a little play with Mickey? No. Next time. I think it was off, once I grew up like, and then had my own kids, I was like, well I don't want to touch it because

then they'll see me touching it. The kids will. They'll see me touching it and be like, oh that must be a free-for-all. But it turns out it is a bloody free-for-all. They're beating you to it. Yeah. They're allowed to touch up Mickey. Bonus points if you're still not allowed to touch it and you're an adult.

Dad had a remote control truck. It was the coolest. It was this big, long, orange remote control truck. Yeah. And not only were we not allowed to touch it, he just never played with it. You imagine, and it was on top of the pantry. Oh, my God. You imagine every time you were getting on a stool

to get up into the top cupboard to get a can of baked beans, this beautiful orange remote control truck was staring you in the face. Why were baked beans kept so high out of reach? Well, no, because the main pantry was for everything you needed and then the canned goods were always up the top. Oh, okay, right. Storage purposes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Primarily for storage purposes. Storage beans. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Primarily for storage purposes. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we want to take some calls. Nuclear fallout, babe. Yeah, yeah. We want to take some calls this morning. 0800 dials at Emerson number.

You can text as well. 9696. What were you not allowed to touch as a child in your house? And bonus points if you're still not allowed to touch it. Yeah, and maybe it's just something ridiculous that mum and dad have in a cupboard. Not even a breakable thing. What about your mum?

Because she's a bit like you. She's got all kinds of... I think hers would have been like her clothes. Right. You know, you would always like go in and try on her clothes. She'd be like, don't touch.

Your mum's messaged me, Fletch. Oh, okay. She said, Vaughan, that's the difference between boys and girls. So she thinks it's a gender thing. Oh, yeah, because boys are breakables.

My sister wasn't allowed to touch the Mickey Mouse wine up, but maybe only because if she had been allowed. Then it would have been a free-for-all for you. It would have been a a gender thing. Oh, yeah. My sister wasn't allowed to touch the Mickey Mouse. Why not? But maybe only because if she had been allowed. Then it would have been a free-for-all for you. It would have been a free-for-all. Yeah. All right.

0800 dials at MSN number 9696 to text. What were you not allowed to touch as a kid? Sorry, I just ate a nugget. She thought she was done. I thought I was done. What weren't you allowed to touch as a child? I'm now eating a bagel. What's good?

This is fantastic. You get it done. You get it in you. There's like a little tinge of hangover post-Friday Jams Live. There's some dust in the room. There's a bit of dust, bit of dust. Talking about the things that as a kid you weren't allowed to touch. Yeah.

The Mickey Mouse. Wind-up Mickey Mouse. Yeah, but your kids are allowed to touch it. They're allowed to wind it up. Turn on and off. Gentle hands, perhaps. I used to always grab my mum's engagement and wedding ring and stuff and put it on. You could always see her having a big panic.

What was it doing off? Oh, she was a renovator. She was always painting or tiling something. Not letting the lads know that she was... Yeah, the traders would come round, she'd be like, what husband? I need a discount. Joe, good morning.

What weren't you allowed to touch as a kid? Joe. Yeah, so Dad would say not to touch the bull in the paddock. You had a bull in the paddock? Yeah. I never really understood why because, I mean, we grew up with cows and, I mean, I'm still on the farm now. And, yeah, and then, like, to get from our house to the cow shed,

we'd have to walk around the track where we could take a shortcut through the paddock. Dad said, oh, don't walk through the paddock because the bull's in the paddock. And I was, oh, you know, it's only a cow. And then one day I see Dad and he whipped up to the shed, cut through the paddock and the bull went for him. Got him, spent, and then Dad spent two days in ICU, had a couple of broken ribs. Whoa, whoa.

I didn't think it was going to go there. That's why you don't touch the bull. Maybe the bull needed to be touched. Yeah, no. Maybe that's why you don't touch the bull. Maybe the bull needed to be touched. Yeah, no. Maybe that's why it was so angry. Maybe it was a pretty big kind of bull. Yeah. Joe, thanks for your call. Ask some more messages in.

Mum wouldn't let me touch her plants. She'd lose her mind if she saw me anywhere near the fern. We had a couple of big indoor ferns too because it was the 80s and 90s. Ferns are delicate. Yeah, and we'd just like be roughhousing and you'd go through the fern And you'd have to vacuum it up

And try to like Volumise it Like you were a hairdresser For a fern To try to get it looking Back to its best Yeah We weren't allowed

To touch my uncle's weed stash That was on the top Of the wardrobe That's fair enough You're probably best You don't touch that Weren't allowed to touch The grandfather clock

Made by my grandfather But it is now in my lounge That's pretty cool And it's haunted My grandparents had With the spirit of my grandfather My grandparents had a grandfather clock And I just wanted to see how it worked one day

And my nana said Okay once we'll wind And you can hear the ding Tick tick tock tock She wound it just the tiniest bit I think it went for like five days and you couldn't turn off the donger my grandad was not happy

once you get that big old donger donging away it's hard to stop it's rude watching TV the chase right in the middle dong dong dong dong dong dong dong that meant it was bloody half on the hour.

Yeah. Couldn't turn that thing off. The washing machine. When I went back to the UK this July, I thought by the age of 38 years, I'd be sweet to use the washing machine. But no, mum pushed me out of the way. And it's just that I didn't know how to use it. Why would you be washing your clothes when your mum's there, though?

You know, like when I go and stay at my parents' house, I'm not washing my own clothes. No. Mum does it. Although they don't smell as good. Yeah. She makes them smell good. Let her do it.

She wants to do it. We always had a big pack of Ribena in the fridge growing up. But that was dad's medicine so we weren't to touch it. It wasn't until we were older we knew what Ribena meant.

That's funny. We said the interior lights in the car, that was an absolute. Yes. And I still have a fear. So if I'm driving and Aaron puts the light on to see something, I'm always like, no, no, no, I'll crash. I don't know why. Because some kids were told it was illegal.

Did your parents ever tell you it was illegal to drive with the interior car light on? Is it illegal? No. I said it was dangerous. Yeah, they said it was dangerous. Especially when it was dark. It's a little dangerous. Yeah, they said it was dangerous. Especially at night. When it was dark. It's a little light.

Yeah, and it wasn't really, yeah, because the old ones were those old tiny little lights. It's not like those big LED ones inside now that really light up the whole room. Abby says, we weren't allowed to play

in our bedrooms once mum had made the beds. Absolutely no playing in the bedroom. Oh, that's no fun. I know. Where's the fun going to be had My dad had an AK-47 he bought back from the Vietnam War

And my mum had a replica Wyatt Earp revolver Both were mounted on the wall Every time they went out they'd say Don't touch the guns on the wall And do you know what we did the minute they went out Touch the guns on the wall Wow

We weren't allowed in the good lounge. The good lounge. Yeah. The adult lounge. All the adults, we were in the TV room, but they were in the good lounge. The good lounge. A good lounge? I'd want in that lounge.

No, you're not allowed. I want in that lounge. You're not allowed. I've been a good boy. You're just flinging your arms around. I am very armed. You're very limby. My arms are going to flop on the floor.

Play it. It's Fletch Vornanale. Play ZM. If you were listening to the show this morning and you keep trying to adjust the level of bass in your car speaker, no, it's not your car, it's us. We're a little bit hungover. A little bit.

A little bit. I'm not. I'm suffering from a different sort of hangover. I had to socialise at three different times. You're emotionally hungover. Emotionally, socially, I'm exhausted. I'm hungover. You did well. Yeah, a great day yesterday. Oh my god.

Friday jams were so good. Yeah, Macklemore ending out a great day. He's so great. Yeah. I'll just pick up after you messy bastards. But there's been some Uberettes as well. There's been some Ubered McDonald's. But yesterday on the way there, I met up with Fletch beforehand, had a couple of wines in the sun, and then we walked to Friday Jams Live.

Yeah. And outside Western Springs is a tram line. Yeah. It's a tram, isn't it? It's a tram line. Yeah, yeah. Sorry, a tram line. Motat. Motat. The Museum of Transport and Technology.

Thank you very much. Is that what the at is? Correct. What do you think it was? And things. The Museum of Transport and Things. Yeah. I mean, it also works.

Because there's other things there. Yeah. Yeah. He's not wrong, actually. They could go for a name change. Well, they wouldn't have to change the branding. It's a classic. Well, it still says Motad.

It says and things. But outside, yeah, so we were walking along the footpath, and the footpath was jam-packed because everyone was heading to. Although, Gina, we saved some people getting a ticket. Yeah, we did. That was really nice of us. What kind of ticket? A parking ticket. Oh, because I saw heaps of people getting towed when I left. Yeah. That was really nice of us. What kind of ticket? A parking ticket.

Oh, because I saw heaps of people getting towed when I left. Were they towing them? Yeah. Oh, okay. Because when we were going past it, we were ticketing. They closed that lane for Friday Jams, and someone parked there, and we were like, hey, mate, there's a guy ticketing, and then they moved.

Oh, they would have 100% towed them. We were on a side street. It said, keep clear, no parking. And everyone parked there. And everyone parked there, and then they were just going to like, ting, ting, ting clear, no parking. And everyone parked. And everyone parked there. And then they were just going to like, ting, ting, ting, ting, ting. Oh, yeah. Oh, good for them.

Anyway, so the footpath was really packed. And so Fletch said to me, let's walk on the tram, tram line. And then as. Walking on the tram line? You bloody rebels. This isn't stand by me. You're not River Phoenix and Jerry O'Connell. I know.

Wow. Great reference, Ward. Happening reference. I'm more than happy to reference a movie that came out like 35 years ago. It's a classic. It's a classic. Anyway, so this was, I feel like this was his attempt to kill me, but then he did save me because I literally went,

yeah, let's walk on the tram line, and I walked on it, and then he goes, Hayley! And there was yeah, let's walk on the tram line. And I walked on it. And then he goes, Hayley. And there was a tram fast approaching. Yeah, fast approaching. Oh. So we jumped off the tram line, right? And I'm looking at the tram and I just hear this smack. And I looked back and Fletcher's like, poof.

And he had walked into a pole Because what were you trying to do? You were trying to get the tram. I was trying to get the tram driver to toot. And I was waving at everyone on the tram. Looking and waving. Oh, wow. So someone on the tram got to see it happen. So many people. So many people.

Like not only hit a pole, but the pole had a sign on it. For the no parking sign. The no parking. Absolutely slapped you straight in the face. My biggest regret in life is that I wasn't looking at you in the moment.

Yeah, you missed it. But you heard it. What a classic thing to be looking the wrong way and walk into a pole. What an idiot. How shame. To be fair,

the pole's quite in the middle of the footpath. Oh, yeah, it's the pole's fault. It's the pole's fault. You were charging like a child, like, hey, tram driver,

toot the horn. He did toot though, didn't he? He did toot. Not loud enough for me to not hear your face hit a pole. Everybody on the Museum of Transport and Things all got a good bloody laugh, didn't they? Oh my god. If you saw it, please text us,

9696. Let's let that die. If you saw it, please text us, 9696. Let's let that die. Maybe you have video. Maybe you were filming out the window of the tram at the time. And you've got Fletch walking into a car. Let's get that on. It would be my dream for Fletch to feature on Kook Slams. Oh, yes, Kook Slams. Our favourite Instagram account.

Play ZM's Fletch, Vaughn and Hayley. Ho, ho, ho. Ooh, it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas. Ho, ho, ho, ho. Well, today, the 14th of November, 40 days away from Christmas. 40 days, 16 hours, 20 minutes. It's getting to that point where it's like

only a couple of paydays before Christmas. Don't say that. Why would you do that? Why would you say that? I'm just saying. I am not prepared. Though when we were at Friday Jams last night, we were talking to a few people, and someone said, oh, has anyone done their Christmas shopping?

And then the large majority of people at that table said, we're not. Not doing it this year. What were you doing at the mum's table? Friday Jams. I was at the mum's table. Music's going. Have you all done your free Christmas shopping yet? The mums were cutting loose.

This was pre, yeah, and a lot of people, yeah, said no, we're not. Their families are just going, nah, we're not doing it. Tone it right back. Tone it right back. Good for the kids. Have a bloody magic cup of soup and just watch some telly. A study said 50%... Get a hot choc.

Oh, get a hot choc. Get a hot choc. A study says 50% of people say Santa won't be as generous this year. Well, don't think that these hard times and rising interest rates and inflation isn't at the North Pole. Yeah. It's not part of the world economy. He's finding it tough as well.

Yes. All right, so we've got some reports of Christmas penetration. A bit of penny. I'm just struggling with the company's email. Yes. I'm struggling to even charge my laptop. You can't charge your laptop today, and you believe it may be the fact that you can't update your software.

No, no. Are we just a couple behind with our updates? We're 10 updates behind. 10 updates behind. 10 updates No, no. Are we just a couple behind with our updates? We're 10 updates behind. 10 updates behind. 10 updates behind. Yeah. Wait, listener, just you wait

till we update our computers. The show's... Oh my God, the show will be great. The show will be great. Carwin, can I have yours? My laptop won't open any of these photos

that you've sent me of Christmas penetration. Help me, Carwin. Help me. Help me, Obi-Wan Carwin. You're our only hope. Ha ha. Star Wars reference.

Yes. Damn it. One every show, isn't it? Thank you, Carwin. For now, let's just enjoy this beautiful bow. Yes, she got a Mac. She left the Dell world. She left the Dell world.

Watch this. Welcome to the sweet life. Oh, yours works. Yours works. Thank you. They've just replied saying they can't update my computer. Oh, they can't. No, they can't or they won't So when my laptop runs out of battery,

they literally won't be able to charge it to fix it. So that's just who just put in the trash. Yeah. I mean, why not? We could use a new studio doorstop. Yeah, actually. A $3,000 studio doorstop. That sandbag's not doing the trick, is it?

Not as much. All right, here we go. So speaking of which, it's our first report as well. Alex said, I was just watching YouTube and this ad popped up. It took up my whole screen. Mary Techmas from Noel Lemming. They've gone for a full-blown pre-roll. Techmas?

Situation. Maybe you could go and see Noel Lemming at Mary Techmas, Fletch. Get a new laptop. I'm just running a passag. I was going to say, in your hungover tired state, is that the best time to be emailing the tech desk? I am aware. I am aware.

Listen to that tone. I am aware. I am aware. I am aware. I love that. All right. Well, Alex said that was unavoidable. And also said if Christmas penetration isn't already at 100%,

this might push it there. Wait, sorry. Just to go back, who said Mary Techmas? Noel Leeming. Surely there's something better in Noel for Christmas. Mary Techmas from Noel Leeming. But it's written, you see. But they do say it as well because they say, I was wrong.

I thought this was a pre-roll because it had a YouTube. But no, they were watching the 10 p.m. news. And there were three Christmas ads in a row. Now, we call that a turkey. Right. Christmas turkey. Briscoe's, Spark, and Noel Leeming all had Christmas ads, one after another. Wow.

Yikes. Danielle would like to report a site of the councils weighing in on Christmas. In Edinburgh, Scotland, very high Christmas lights around town now. Oh. So that's up this morning, the snowflake Christmas lights around Edinburgh. Does Auckland have little street flags? I think it's up to more like the councils within Auckland, right? They all have different little bits and pieces to put up.

Like the different business districts. Yeah. They get in because they, you know, put a bit of decoration up in comparison to spend a bit of money. Because no one does it like a rural town. Dannyverk, oh, it goes hard. Oh, Morrinsville knows about it too. They've got lights that go on the street lights that light up like candy canes.

The little flags. I love the little street flags. I love the little street flags. Chrisastrophe, this is what they've called themselves, would like to report Christmas penetration in Bristol. They walked into a shop and were just bombarded by all things Christmas. Brianna would like to report and reiterate we had a Dan Carter dress as a Christmas

reindeer at the Emma's Warehouse. I've seen that, Dan Carter. I don't know if he was actually, if they were photoshopped on or he did a photoshoot with them on. It looked photoshopped on. It looked photoshopped on to me. I'm pretty sure they just photoshopped some Easter bunny ears on him during Easter.

Yeah, they would. Or little cherub wings during Valentine's Day. I'm pretty sure they just photoshopped some Easter bunny ears on him during Easter. Yeah, they wanted that, yeah. Or little cherub wings during Valentine's Day. Nail him to a cross for Easter. Make his head a pumpkin for Halloween. This was all in the contract, Dan. You should have read the fine print. Exactly. He signed himself over, didn't he?

Grace wants us all to know that she's in New York City. New York City! And Christmas penetration is happening. Louis Vuitton have a Christmas Lego display in their window. Is it Ryan Gosling that's doing Louis Vuitton and he's like pushing trolley suitcases in the ocean? I don't know. Have you seen that?

I don't know, sir. Why should he be doing that? He's like he's got pushing trolley suitcases in the ocean. Have you seen that? I don't know, sir. I don't know. Why should we be doing that? He's like he's got lost. He's a hotel bellhop. Louis Vuitton or not, that's not good. Yeah, and he's in the ocean. Yeah, no, that's not good for the luggage. Stephanie says,

I've just been hit with some advertising for a crystal advent calendar. So, yes, and you're thinking every day is a different magical crystal that will improve a certain aspect of your life should you remember to charge them on the full moon. Otherwise, you've just got a bunch of pretty rocks, don't you? And finally, Hayden is reporting another German Christmas market.

You may remember we reported on a Christmas market in Germany last time. They love their markets. Yeah, this is another German market Christmas report. Lovely. So with all that in mind and 40 days away from Christmas. Rudolph, warm up that nose. Right now, Christmas penetration is at... 95%.

Oh! Oh! It is beginning to look a lot like Christmas. Play. ZDM's Fletchvorn and Hayley. So, Aaron and I, we have our friends Tim and Ty, and we do everything together. I don't know if you know, but we went to Bali together.

Ah, yes, I go to these trips. First I'm hearing of this Bali trip. Yeah, it was this but we went to Bali together. Ah, yes. First time hearing of this Bali trip. Yeah, it was this year I went to Bali. Yeah, right. Let me tell you, boy oh boy, what a place. Is that where you went to drama school, in Bali? No, no, no, no, no, no. I went to drama school and I went to the National Drama School.

National Drama School in Bali, wow. You hardly mention it. Really? Yeah, very rarely. Did I have a degree in acting? Yeah. Is the National Bali Drama School the same as the New Zealand or is it same, same, but different? I think same, same, but different. Most drama schools are the same. Roll around for a bit.

Yeah, roll around. Bit of Shakespeare. Yeah. Off you pop. Good luck in the industry. There's no work out there. See if they can trick you into getting your tats out. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

For a midweek look. Yeah, I did the baps once. So our friends Tim and Ty and me and Aaron, we hang out very, very often. And one game that we've played for years, we call it the music game. You guys hate this. I really hate it.

And what we do is we give each other a scenario. So you go around and you do a scenario and you say, okay, a song that, or a song that plays in the moment like this, and it can be anything from a song that makes you cry or- And then the other people have to sing it. No, no, no, no. Or one of my favourite ones was the song that plays

as your ship leaves Earth for the last time. It's really fun. And then you all write down your song and then you put it into a jar and then one person's allocated DJ and we sit there and we listen to it. And we listen to each other's song and at the end we have to guess who picked what. Drama kids.

Yeah. Drama kids. All four of us graduated from toy. And then we have a playlist called Friendship 2.0 and And then we have a playlist. Okay. Called Friendship 2.0. And it's got all the songs in it. So you get this really awesome, really rich and diverse playlist out of it. Wow.

That is actually very cool. It's really, really fun. That is actually quite cool. And sometimes the provocations are very, very silly. Yeah. Like a song that, well, you could do specifics, like a song that Vaughan plays in the bathroom before he comes out with his willy out for Sade.

It's Robbie Williams, rock DJ. Of course it is. Add it to the playlist. Anyway, so we, over the long weekend that's just gone, we went to the Coromandel, we played the music game. And my provocation was, you are leaving New Zealand and you cannot come back so you're leaving new zealand for the last time knowing you'll never return you're leaving your family on a plane on a plane yeah you put in your headphones

and um this song plays and then you're right robert williams rock dj yeah it's just an all-purpose song yeah yeah It's great. Have you got tickets for his show? Are you going to his show? Oh, no, I don't like Robbie Williams. You don't like him? Right. I just like that song.

It's a good song. I went to him back in 2000. Oh, did you? Okay, right. So this was a really, really nice. Can I just? You know, for the purpose, let's go on a little bit. Come on, let's go.

No. So you're leaving New Zealand never to come back, and this is your song. Me with the foreshort, kicking with your torso. Boys getting high and the girls even more. So wave your hands if you're not with a man. Can I dig it? Yes, you can. Okay, so this was the provocation for this one.

We got You Ought To Be In Love by Dave Dobbin. Oh, yeah. Right from the foot-rock. We had your classic Not Given Lightly. We've got You Ought to Be in Love by Dave Dobbin. Oh, yeah. Right from the foot-rock rock. We had your classic Not Given Lightly. I can't remember the other ones we had, but my one was the National Anthem. And I thought, I'll just go on and... No, it was Ty's one.

The National Anthem. I said, I'll go on, and I tried looking for Dame Kitty Takanawa. Couldn't find her. And I stumbled across a version, Sindiruakiri, and we listened to it. Give us a little play. It's epic.

It's seven minutes 55. Yeah, how long have we got? One minute. Skip ahead a little. Okay. Get into the meaty bit. It's so beautiful. It's a good version,

and it builds and it builds and it builds. But this is where Aaron learnt that the national anthem, if you include just doing the first verse in Te Riu o Māori, and then it has five verses after in English. And Aaron didn't know that there were five, there were four additional verses to the one he knew. Can't run ahead. How good is this?

Yeah. So now Aaron and I are so obsessed with this. We listen to the national anthem at home every single day, probably like three or four times. And sing it. From start to end.

Yeah, and we're learning all the verses. So we're learning six verses of the national anthem. This is how we pass our time. Like I know you're at mid-Renos at the moment. Are there some fumes

that aren't escaping? You want to get a carbon dioxide measurement, I reckon. Gosh, she breaks it down. Cindy! So very soon I'm going to know the entire national anthem.

But when you think about like maybe my marriage isn't thriving or maybe my relationship's losing a bit of fizz, please think of me and Aaron at home together just singing the National Anthem multiple times a day.

Well, maybe you can play the song game to spice things up. Get a little sexy in there. Or if this song's not you, rock DJ. Yeah. I mean, it's an absolute crowd favourite. Imagine tuning in to ZDM at 8 o'clock on a Monday morning. And the National Anthem's playing with lyrics we didn't even know. Surprise verses.

Oh, five verses. I'm going to know them all. I assumed we had a couple. I didn't know we had five. Up it picks. Oh, my God. You're poor neighbours New South Wales The

Southern newer version of Wales Yes In Australia is launching a survey Asking people where the landlord should allow renters To keep a pet Isn't this Did this just change in New Zealand semi-recently Yeah I thought so survey asking people whether landlords should allow renters to keep a pet. Isn't this, didn't this, is this one of the, did this just change in New Zealand sort of semi-recently?

Yeah, I thought so. That you can't say they can't, right? Well, you can't discriminate. Or it was on the table. You can't discriminate because someone's got a tabby. No, but what if they've got like an 85kg mastiff? Please, please, please let me discriminate, says my hardwood floors. Please let me discriminate

See, I would I mean, if I went renting And I was like, I've got a great cat He would claw their carpet Yeah, you've got a clawer No one should rent to me and my cat No He would just ruin the place

Don't do it But then should I be discriminated against They should rent to you and your newborn baby son. You take him in like this with glasses on and a little moustache. Yes. And you're like, oh he's not a cat, he's a baby. And then they're like,

oh he's so cute. And he goes, meow. He's like, hang on a sec. I don't know what they were doing in New Zealand. Because there was something about the research around the incredible benefits of pet ownership in terms of your mental health. Oh, it's great. Yeah.

It's the joy of my life. Or die for that cat. The indoor pets in my house lately have been doing nothing but negatively affecting my mental health. The youngest cat won't stop ripping open bread bags and eating white bread. Where do cats like white bread? Eat some whole grain as well. How embarrassing. Dumb, dumb.

And when the two big dogs are inside, they like wrestle inside. And I'm just like, get out. It's like having sons. I don't have sons. I'm blessed. I'm blessed with calm daughters. Well, for now. Yeah, for now.

I'm enjoying what I've asked. I understand. A bit of menstruation. I read a little bit about it. But, yeah, I don't know. It's a weird one. But, yeah, so New South Wales is asking. Tenancy, pet agreements.

I was just Googling New Zealand to see whether or not that. Rules about pets. Some landlords don't allow pets in their rental property at all if a potential tenant has a pet. I know that people really struggle when they've got a dog and they get evicted or the landlord kicks them out for whatever reason.

It's really hard to find a place. We just lied. When we got Raleigh we lived in one of those old converted villas that was like three flats. And our flat just happened to have a cat flap But he was like, no pets Sorry Bobby, we had a cat that whole time You're sending mixed messages, Bobby, with a cat flap

Yeah, I know And saying no cats, hello It's for the courier to pop the little goodies through Yeah And skid across your floor so the thieves can't reach them with their little arms. In inspections we used to just lock the cat flap and put Rolly outside. We used to take Lulu to

Barclay Manor for the day. Oh really? You hid a dog and a cat from the landlord. Yeah, but again it had a cat flap in it. Yes, it was asking for it. It wasn't asking for it. It was easier to leave. You didn't have to make any modifications. Yeah.

Yeah. And then we paid cat rent in our last place. What? The last place we rented in Auckland, it said no pets on the advertisement. We were like, but you know, like we were so hard finding a flat. And so we said, look, we do have a cat,

really good cat, outdoor cat. And then they said, well, you have to pay $10 extra. So Rolly paid $10 a week. A week rent. Rent. And did he do anything for that money? Did he like do the vacuuming? Just cuddles and stuff.

Oh, okay. Yeah, nice. And then we got a cat flap installed, you know, cutting it through their door. And then when we left, they charged us to replace the glass. And I was like, but you're just going to leave the cat flap in. Did they leave the cat flap in? Yeah, because our friend rents it. Yeah, but what, you've, you've, you've, that's Landlord 101, mate.

You should just go charge it in. You charge them for a professional clean when they leave and then you just go do it yourself. What do you mean go kick it in? Our friend rents it now. What, am I going to go kick it in. You charge them for a professional clean when they leave and then you just go do it yourself. What do you mean go kick it in? Our friend rents it now. What, am I going to go kick it in my friend's door? No, we're all going to run over to the show today and kick it in. And then they'll have to replace it. All right.

With the money that you gave them. Yeah, okay. No wonder people hate landlords, eh? This door, this cat flap swings both ways though, my friend. There'd be some landlords that go around at the post-departure inspection to be like, holy shit, the dog chewed everything. Through the floor, yeah. We want to know this morning what you've been hiding from the landlord,

what you've hidden from the landlord. Yeah. I used to hide ripped curtains. I'd always lean something up against them because I ripped them. She never found out. Never found it. She came for my final inspection when I moved out of the house and I had stacked all my boxes up against it.

Genius. Genius. Genius. See you later. See you later. And you got your bond back. Yeah. Okay.

I lost a little bit because I taped a poster to the wall. Like an idiot. Why didn't you use Blu-Tack? I probably wanted the poster up And I didn't have any You're a grown up What did you have posted on the wall? Patti Smith

Oh okay Really trying to This was in Wellington I'd imagine Yeah it was an image Really trying to establish stuff Yeah Gotcha It was an image

Alright Well we're going to take your calls this morning 0800 dials at Emerson number You can text as well 9696 What are you What are you hiding? Is it a pet? Yeah Where are are you hiding? Is it a pet?

Yeah. Where are you putting them? Is it a meth lab in the ceiling? Plenty of those around. Please don't ring in if you've got a meth lab because we'll be obviously socially and legally obliged to pass on your information to the police. The people? Yeah. Maybe if you've got a little tomato plant

in the backyard. So we're going to miss. Maybe you're hiding a giant hole in the floor from landlords or a hole in the wall. 0800 DALS at M. We're hearing about what you're hiding from landlords. Not there. I'll read this one out. This is a great one to start on.

I'm a property manager in Hamilton and one of our tenants who lives in an executive suburban house had a horse tied to their washing line and thought they could hide it behind a sheet for that house inspection. Behind a sheet? Behind a sheet. You better at least have like a super king to hide the horse behind that sheet.

Just hung a sheet and hoped the horse wouldn't move. What was that sheet? It was the washing line that squeaks when it breath the breeze. Also like, a horse would make some mess. Oh, big messes, famously. Like, you'd see the property and think, you know,

there's a horse here, right? A horse? Also, it seems so cruel to have a horse in a suburban setting. They've got to run. They've got to stretch thine legs.

They must canter. They must canter. You don't know they're not taking it to the dairy. Oh, yeah, but I'm just thinking more on its own when it's off the leash. Taking it for a walk to the dairy to get a choccy bar. Yeah. Very responsible horse ownership.

Yeah. Taking it to the dairy. Can you get two hours free parking at Westfield with the horse? With the horse. If you've got the app. You need a plate, though. You just string a little. I've never seen a rule saying you can't ride a horse through

Westfield. No. I've never seen. There's like no skateboarding, no hoodies. Yep. No face like covering your face. Yep. You're right. It doesn't say anything about a horse. Yeah, you're right. It doesn't say anything. It doesn't say you can't ride it into the mall. It actually doesn't. No.

This is how I get around. And those lifts, those elevators are huge. Those travelators. Well, no, I was thinking the elevators. Oh, actual elevators. Huge. You get a horse in there. What are the support dogs?

The emotional support dogs. They're allowed to go anywhere. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Support pony. The ride dogs or your support dogs or whatever. Yeah. Just get a support horse.

Love that idea. Bix, what are you hiding from the landlord? If you buy dogs or you support dogs or whatever, just get a support horse. Love that idea. Bex, what are you hiding from the landlord? Okay, so I've got another cat story, but I promise it's a good one. It better be. It says every cat person, eh? I've got a story about my cat.

It's a good one. Us cat owners are great people. We are. We are, we are. So we actually asked the landlord if we could get cats, and they said no. Okay. We got a kitten anyway. Yes, we did. And on the day of the inspection, we went to such great lengths to hide the kitten from the landlord.

So I booked a cattery for the day, got a crate, put the cat in a cattery, removed all evidence. Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you guys? Oh, sorry. No, we'reattery, removed all evidence. Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you guys? Oh, sorry. No, we're in. Sorry, dodgy reception. Yeah, so removed all evidence, bowls, everything. I thought I did such a good job,

and then I went to let the landlord in the front door. It was a ranch slider. Yeah. And the door was, like, jamming on something as I was opening it, and I was like, oh, what's that? Must be the curtain. And I looked over,

and it was one of those big cat toys that was stuck to the window. It was like a suction cup, and he was like, oh, oh, oh, what's that there? And I was like, oh, yeah, we look after my nephew every now and then. He really loves to play with the cat toys. Yeah, good from you. Yeah, it was really good.

Good on the spotlight there. Good. And you got away with it? I really don't think he bought it. Yeah, right. Yeah, I mean. He couldn't prove anything. He was a cat.

Yeah. Show me the cat. Exactly. There was literally no other evidence. I'd done such a good job. It cost me money to put the cat in the cattery. Yeah. If it was that landlord, I would have come back.

Because you can't go into the house unannounced without 72 hours warning or something, eh? I'd park on the side of the road and shake a little box of cat biscuits. Oh, yeah. Puss, puss, puss, puss, puss. And if the cat came out, I'd be like, we got him.

We got him. That could be anyone's cat, though. Evidence. Or you'd see it come out of the house. Or I'd grab the cat and I'd take it away with me and I'd send Bex a photo

and I'd say, Oh, you'd kidnap your cat. Recognise this cat. Yeah, I'm about to take this cat to the SPCA unless there's something you'd like to tell me. Yeah, I'm about to take this cat to the SPCA unless it's something you'd like to tell me. Yeah, this cat's literally about to be euthanized unless somebody takes ownership of it.

Wow. I've got a plastic bag in a bucket right here. Something you want to say? Jamie, Jamie, good morning. What are you hiding from the landlord? We have two dogs and a cat, but we're not meant to have a Border Collie and a Foxy. Jeepers.

Wow. And a cat. And how do you hide those from the landlord? We just get a pretty specific time for the inspection and just put the dogs in the boot of the car while they're there. Hang on. You put your dogs in the boot of the car? Oh, no.

Where does the car go? I was imagining like a little sedan boot. Like a station wagon. Yeah, right. Okay. And you've got away with it all this time. Yeah, yeah. We've had four inspections now and not had an issue.

They did come the last two times and our cat was just like sunbathing on the table. So we don't know whether she's just completely oblivious or she sees we look after the house and she's okay with it. Yeah. I mean, neighbourhood cats. Yeah, exactly. Jamie, thanks.

You called some messages in. We had a dog from our landlord. When we got our 90 days notice to move out, it said, and remove all your dog poo. So we weren't hiding the dog from the landlord as well as we thought we were, it turns out. No. Yeah. Pick up poops.

We have been hiding a cat in the last three flats. One of it ran literally in front of the property manager and we said, oh, that's the neighbour's cat. It's really friendly. And the last one, I had to keep the cat in the car for the day while I was at work and constantly pop back out and be like, are you okay? Cats famously don't like cars.

We also got our friend to impersonate the landlord to the SPCA so we could adopt the cat because the SPCA wants to know your living conditions and you adopt a cat. If you're renting, you have to have landlord permission. What would your landlord voice be? I consent to this cat living in my house. Why do you sound like that? How old are you?

I'm in my early 30s, but my voice has developed a lot faster. I couldn't work out whether you sounded like a child or like a 90-year-old. Yeah, I'm a little bit of both. Oh, now I've got a name. Oh, now I'm a child or like a 90-year-old. Yeah, I'm a little bit of both. Are you a little bit of both? Oh, now I've got a name. Oh, now I'm a child. Now you sound more like a child, just less in the pitch but more in the way you speak.

I saved all my pocket monies and I bought a house. I think I read about you on The Herald. Yeah, I'm famous. You were the kid saying anybody can do it if I can do it, but it turns out you inherited a quarter of a million dollars from your granddad? Yeah, but I told everyone, you've got to get off your ass and work.

Well, yeah, yeah. Well, congratulations. Well done. Yeah, of course. Play ZM's Fletch, Vaughn and Hayley. Fact of the day, day, day, day, day. Yeah. I think Fletch has hit a wall. I want to go home so bad.

You just went, it's 8.32. It's time for Fact of the Day. Right, time for Fact of the Day. Right, today's Fact of the Day. You know, all around the world there's disputed land, isn't there? Who owns that? Who's entitled to that? At the moment it's all about Ukraine, but the ongoing Israel-Palestine, that's a big that's ours, that's ours, this is ours.

Here in New Zealand, if you look back into Vaughan's family, they took quite a bit of land. Oh, did we what? From my family. I'll apologise now from current generation to current generation. Well, maybe some financial remuneration would be nice. We haven't got any. I spent it all.

We've got everything for nothing. And we've spent it all on nothing. We laugh so we don't cry. Very poorly managed. Very poorly managed. Any whoosie woozy. Everybody, you know, there's all this land. That's ours. That's ours. War, war, war. Fight, fight, fight.

Throughout human history. But did you know there's one piece of land in the world that no one wants? Really? Yeah. It's a Huntley. They can't bloody give it away. Could be. Could be.

It's less like... That's so mean to Huntley. Oh, sorry, Huntley. Well, she drives past it now. Yeah. See those two big chimneys from a distance. I miss the mural of the top twins. Yeah, the bloody good mural, actually. With the bypass.

Yeah. Maybe we could move that closer to the bypass. Yeah. Maybe we could move that closer to the bypass so we can still see it. But this one comes about because of some borders drawn up by the English. Oh, my gosh. Those fools. Haven't they caused a whole lot of trouble? They certainly have. They really have.

With their border drawing. Well, in 1899, the UK and Egypt said to Egypt, we've got to draw up some borders. Egypt said, why? And they said, because we're white and this is what we do. We draw lines and things. And anyway, we're going to draw this perfectly straight line. And it's going to follow the 22nd parallel.

We're going to draw a straight line. And you can have this port, which is north of the straight line in Egypt, not in Sudan down there. Right. And then a couple of years later, somebody said to the UK, this line you've drawn, this straight line, you know, for thousands of years we've kind of been moving in tribes and stuff, and this line kind of dissects this tribe.

So we actually need you to follow this river, which is a more natural border, isn't it? Yes, it is. It's a natural line, isn't it? So there was a straight line straight across, and then this new border went up like that. Now, the area in difference at the end was an area that both countries wanted. Both Sudan and Egypt both wanted this triangle on the end called the Halaib Triangle

because it had a good port in it. It had some very fertile lands. It was a good spot. But if you come back where the line went straight and where this new line went, there was this little bit of land called Bir Tawil. Now, for each to be like, we want that port, they had to agree to the border that had been drawn,

but that meant that they had to ignore the other border and this was excluded in both. So if they'd said, yeah, we'll have that little bit of land, it meant that they had to ignore the other border and this was excluded in both. So if they'd said, yeah, we'll have that little bit of land, it meant that they wouldn't get the big bit of land. Oh, I see. So they're just pushing it back. That's yours. No, we don't want that.

That's yours. No, the big one's mine. The big one's mine. We want the big one. No, we wanted the big one. You have the small one. You don't need the small one. We don't want the small one.

You have the small one. So there's this disputed bit of land that for like well over 100 years, nobody's wanted. Is it going to name this bit of land? Yeah, Burr to Wheel. Burr to Wheel. And who's got it now? Burr to Wheel.

Nobody. Nobody wants it. It's completely. Well, that's what one guy, an American guy, I think it was in 2014, he heard about this and he's like, well, if I go and stake a claim to it, technically I can declare myself the king and I can make my daughter a princess

so for his daughter's birthday he went there drew a flag stuck it in said I'll take ownership of this land and I am now King

I don't know Steve and this is my daughter Princess Philippa but he doesn't actually own it

well no because he doesn't have the money to establish a kingdom or anything there, and he can't do anything with it. And it's inland as well. It's well inland. He could get a kit set cottage or something. Yeah. Establish the kingdom.

And, you know, some solar panels and stuff. Yeah. But he's not going to have any water, and of course we all need that, don't we? Famously. Yeah. So today's fact of the day is in 1899 there was a straight line drawn, and in 1902 there was a crooked line drawn, and the results of which is a little bit of land that nobody wants.

Fact of the day, day, day, day, day. Yeah. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. Play ZM's Fletch Vaughan and Hayley. Play ZM and Fletch Vaughan and Hayley's Monday Maestros. Well, every Monday we set homework from the producers. This week. Not every Monday. Well, if there's a long weekend, or we forget. We forgot.

We forgot last week. It was a good show, though, without it. Well, today we have to do the alphabet backwards. Shortest time wins. Any mistake immediately disqualifies you, eh? Yeah. Really. Any mistake immediately disqualifies you, eh? Yeah. Really? Any mistake immediately disqualifies you. Oh, okay. Now, will you be...

Now, how are you planning on cheating this time? What do you mean? You're always cheating. I'm not. I wonder if you've got some plan to cheat. I'm not cheating. He's a cheater. Some wacky cheating plan. I'm not cheating. Has he renamed a song? Has he, like, done a... No. Is there a sound effect in the button bar that's been renamed? No.

Something? You can look. It's all... Nothing. We're watching for cheating. Jared's usually an accomplice. I'm not cheating. I'm not cheating.

Yeah, Jared has been your accomplice in multiple cheating. You know what I was thinking? Cheating outings. I was getting him in my ear to read them out backwards. Why are you looking under the desk? Just to see. You goddamn it. You're not even trying.

Hayley, he's written it backwards on a piece of paper and put the paper against the screen. You a-hole. Get it, move it. Get it gone. You are setting a bad example for the children out there

At the weekend They got to look up to the Black Ferns Who were underdogs to lose to England 30 on the trot for England All the stats said English were the favourite of the TAB And that Black Fern said Take this

And they played their hearts out And showed us all what you can do With a whole lot of heart you know and now you're just going to read an alphabet backwards off a piece of paper against a computer string you my friend are just right disappointing it's really disappointing actually i can't believe you did a pre-inspection around the desk you walked around my site how dare you good from you because i did not see it come into my personal space i looked from here i couldn't see anything it wasn't until

I got around there. Well, I'm screwed now. I'm out of this game. Carween, are you going to be hot on the clock here? I've got the stopwatch ready to go. Okay. I think Cheetah Fletcher should go first. Z. Y. Oh my god, help me.

W He's out. He's out. What? He's out. W, X, Y, oh, okay, yeah. Yeah, X. I'll go.

Okay. My time starts now. Z, Y, X, W, V, U, T Z-Y-X-W-V-U-T-S-R-Q-P-O-N-M-L-K-J-I-H-G-F-E-D-C-B-A. Oh, wow. That was amazing. Carlween, what was the time there for that? 15. Wow.

You know, all I was betting on was try not to be the one that didn't make a mistake. But you've done well. No mistakes and a good time. 15. Wow. Wow. You know, all I was betting on was trying not to be the one that didn't make a mistake, but you've done well. No mistakes and a good time. Okay. I don't think

I'm going to bet that time. Hey, believe in yourself. Yeah, believe in yourself. Remember the Black Ferns. I'll do this. I don't want to say I'll do this with the Black Ferns because then I'll make a mistake

like I'm probably the same mistake Fletch made. Insulting. Alright, your time starts now. Z, Y, X, W, V, U, T, S, R, All right, your time starts now. Z-Y-X-W-V-U-T-S-R-Q-P-O-N-M-L-K-J-I-H-G-F-E-D-C-B-A.

Oh, that was quite good, actually. That was so close. I didn't think it was quicker, though. It went too slow at the start. Vaughan's last though, isn't he? I can tell. Last? Yeah, last.

You got two frickin' letters. Vaughan had a time of 19 seconds. Hayley takes it out. It's that private school education again. Why can't I know the alphabet? Decile 10, you get what you pay for. You really do. Play.

ZDM's Fletchvorn and Hayley. Quiz night, Friday night. I hosted a quiz night for my daughter's school, a fundraiser. You did a bloody good job too. Thank you. Well, there's a power outage because we're in the country. This is what it's like when you go to the country. Where's the power?

It just goes out. Yeah, it just goes out and doesn't come back for a while. It was so much fun because everyone was in the dark and then they got their torches out on the phone and your microphone didn't work, obviously. So then you had to yell. Just yell. While one of the teachers went to get the PE megaphone. But then it came on just as the PE megaphone got back.

So it was a great night. And the whole idea of the quiz night was to raise money for the school. Yeah. Because... It was a big spring clean-up. Yeah. And part of it, because you entered your team and you paid for your team, so that was part of it.

It was dress-up too. It was dress-up. It was dress up. We were double denim. BYO, it was a loose night. I remember the first time I hosted it and I was like, oh, so do people buy drinks? They're like, no, no, it's BYO. I was like, carnage.

You're playing a dangerous game with bad fools. Those poor kids will be sitting in puddles of pals this morning in assembly. I lied to them. They gave the floor a mop. Oh, did they? But I can't be sure. It'll still smell like... That's what you were raising money for,

the big spring clean up with the mess you were making and spilling your drinks all over the floor. But it was the... At half time, they do... They've got silent auctions where you can bid on a whole lot of donated goods and also actual auctions. Live auctions.

Live auctions. And I had to tell Hayley off during an auction. She was spending money she did not have. But I love to support the school. What were you spending money on? Because the silent auction, one of them was a smart TV, and producer Jared came along and he kept texting me saying, you've got to pump that TV up.

I've made a bid I can't afford. Yeah. I need you to really promote that TV. How much did you put on there, producer Jared? Initially I put down $150,000, and then no one was doing anything with it, so I had to run up half an hour later and scratch it out and change it to 105. You scratched it out. And then still, no bites.

And what did it go for in the end? I think like 250, 300. It's a brand-new Panasonic smart TV. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I put in a couple of silent ones. I did the headphones and the Speedway trip, you know, like getting a fast car. Oh, the Lamborghini around Hampton Downs. I just thought that would be so fun.

Aaron would love it. That would be fun. I would love to see Aaron get into a Lamborghini Huracan. Yeah, me too. Which are famously low and very small. Well, and then on the auctions, the two that were popping off at our table, one was this car park.

My God, the car park. This is where Vaughan had to tell Shada to shut up. I had to come in and I had to be like, stop it. Stop being silly. Because I was hosting, so I was having a couple of drinks, but I was very responsible. And I came back and you guys were all bloody... Loose units.

Sluzzard. Like a G6. Yeah. And I was like, you've got to stop this. We don't need the car park. Because the idea was... Shard always gets the school pick up

25 minutes early. I rock up late, but in the Jimny, in that small and I can park anywhere. They're always telling me off for doing it. Because this car park that they were auctioning was dedicated.

Like you got your name on it. Yeah. A reserved car park. You'd never have to dedicated. Like, you got your name on it. Yeah, a reserved car park. You'd never have to wait on the road or up the road. No. And if it's raining, I think, you know, it's more or less covered. Now, she said to me yesterday, did I actually buy that car park? Because I don't know if she knows if she's won that or not.

I don't know where we left that. No, there was a woman at the other table, and she was, like, sort of wanting it as well, and you kept telling her like she needs to bid to get Sade to not win this. Yeah, you need to get out of it. But then the guy came back and he's like, there's two car parks now. Yes, that's right. So the top two bidders are getting car parks.

And I was like, are we one of the top two bidders? And he laughed, and I walked away, and I screamed at him. I said, that's not an answer. Keep auctioning. Keep auctioning. Keep auctioning. And then the other auction that popped off was the cleaning. It was a full house clean. It was a full house clean.

Like an actual deep clean of like walls and everything. Come over and clean you up. And then I started bidding for it. I was throwing big money down. And I was like, Hayley, your house isn't even finished. You're renovating it. There's nothing that you've been cleaning. No, but have you ever done a post-renovation clean?

Yeah. It's horrible. Yeah, because there's dust, man, on everything. There's every dust. Well, no, I was telling Hayley off. I was like, you cannot win this. This is because Aaron was outside having a vape. And I was being loose-lipped while Daddy was away.

And Daddy came back in and he closed the purse strings again, didn't he? Made me shut my mouth. Daddy came back and made me shut my mouth. Hey, can I just say to you listeners, thanks for sticking with us this morning. A couple of absolute dusty hangovers here. It's been a hard show today, hasn't it? No, I've had fun. And now it's time for us to shut our mouths.

See you, see you later. Actually, I'm going to have to stop you there. That's copyrighted. Suzy Kato is a very good friend of mine. She's already sued me twice, so if you could maybe get her to drop her litigious action, that would be great. Tell her I'll review her five stars

if she does the same for this podcast, and then she tells all her friends. And if you're listening, maybe give it five stars as well. ZM's Fletch Vaughan and Hayley.