ZM's Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley - Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley Podcast - 16th February 2023

Episode Date: February 15, 2023

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The ZM Podcast Network. Play ZM's Fletch, Vaughan and Hayley. Hello, welcome to the Fletch, Vaughan and Hayley podcast. It's thanks to McCafe. Start your day with a great tasting McCafe coffee made just the way you like it. Um, right. We record these at the end of the show.

We do. We record this posthumously. Although the show's not dead. The show's not dead. Surviving. Surviving. Despite, you know, some people's best efforts. Although the show's not dead. The show's not dead. Surviving. Surviving. Despite some people's best efforts to kill the show. Don't look at me.

I wasn't looking at you. I was looking at Fletch but hinting at you. Oh my God. Wow. No, no, no. You are... Thank you. You're an angel and a wonderful addition.

Thank you. Thank you. That's a words of affirmation. You'll find out. That'll mean more to you After you've listened to the podcast Thank you so much Fletch

Friendly love language I knew you touched me before No you booped me with your headphones That was a touch Yeah You did ask him to touch your arm Yeah Which was weird

Which I put down on the I put that in the HR journal as well Weird Oh god But after this You've got a dentist appointment Hygienist A hygienist. A hygienist.

You just add a chocolate bar. Had a chocolate bar to warm up. Really tell them then to fuck themselves. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just you fucking try clean them. It's like when you're going to get your car valet or clean so you make it real dirty before it goes, just so you feel like you're getting your money's worth, you know?

Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Make the rest of that sweet and sour sauce. Just dribble it on a seat. Yeah, eat a flaky saucy roll. Detail that. Vacuum that up rest of that sweet and sour sauce. Just dribble it on a seat. Eat a flaky saucy roll. Detail that. Vacuum that up out of all that weird gap between your seat and the center console that you can never, even if you've got the skinniest hose for your thing, you can't get it down

there. I'm off home to start the cleanup after this bloody awful storm we've had. And I really feel for people who have got actual cleanup to do. I've had a big tree fall down, but I'm actually looking forward to the chainsawing and such. It is. It's so devastating, the photos. But the magnitude of some of the devastation. The power of water, right?

Yeah. Just to see the destruction water can cause. And all of the mud and the – couple that up with bloody wind. Yeah. Insanity. Earthquakes, wind. Yeah. So I've got to go home and start cutting up this tree that fell down of ours.

And Sade said to me yesterday, I'll give you a hand tomorrow. And I jokingly said, I'll teach you to use a chainsaw. And she said that would actually be really good. And I was like, yeah. Immediately. Oh, my God. All over the floor. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Home. I said, and then. I would like to apologize for whatever that just was. That's a lot of wetness. Jared is now saying, is he going to have to beep that? You can beep it if you want. But then people are going to wonder what it was. The human body does what the human body does.

When there's a beep, people assume the worst. And it was gross, but I could imagine worse. Was it any worse in our summer special where we talked to sexologist Morgan? About squirting. Exactly. That made me uncomfortable. Jot that down. Jot it down.

Jot it down in the HR book. Yeah, jot that down. Also, can you order another 1B5? Because this one's filling up fine. Yeah, we're jotting it. Jotting all of this down. We're going to need one of those 1B5s with the letters down the side so we can categorise what exactly needs jotting down.

Yeah, yeah. So Sade said that she'd love to learn to use a chainsaw and I got very excited about that and then I said, I'll buy you a pair of safety chaps. And she said, well, that's good because I want to do it safely. Oh! She's going to be in chaps.

With a chainsaw. Nothing else. Undies? Just undies? No, no, no. Safety first. So we had long pants underneath and some work boots and a chainsaw and some earmuffs and some eye protection.

Wow. Oh, yuck. It's going to be hot. It's going to be hot. Oh, yuck. That breath was too intimate. Oh, no. Vaughn.

Yuck. So yeah, that's going, yeah, that's hot. That's my early birthday present right there. Wife and chaps. Wife and chaps. Chainsaw in hand. Some hard bloody yakka. Yeah.

What are you going to do with the tree? You're going to put it through a chipper. Oh, yeah. Put it through a chipper and make some garden mulch. And then stump grind. Stump grind the stump. We're getting on the grinder. And he's going to make us a chopping board.

A chopping board. And a bowl. Yep, I'm getting a banana bowl for my bananas. A banana bowl. A banana bowl. Yep, made out of the tree. It's going to be good times. Have a hot, horny afternoon.

It'll be a hot, horny afternoon. It'll be a hot, horny afternoon covered in dust. Sneezing. Oh, yeah. You sneeze. I'm more sneezing on the chainsaw. Oh my god, what is this? Just everything. Probably about as juicy as that peach you're just popping in your mouth. Oh my god. Oh my god. That thing was dribbling

all over the desk. You've got wet spots. I've had to get a paper towel to mop up after myself. Call me by your own name? Yeah. Call me by your name. Call me by your name. Well yeah, if you're calling them by their own name. I tell you what, Timothy Chamolet was lucky he didn't get eaten in that movie. By Armie Hammer. By Armie Hammer.

Oh, my God, I know. If he'd had his way, he would have chopped him up into little bits. Geez. I don't know. I'm a stir fry. Timothy Chamolet would not be good for a stir fry. He's too skin and bone. Yeah, gristly.

No, but he's got a real schnitzel vibe. Yeah, he is. And, you know, you can. I would eat Timothy Chamolet in a crumb. A panko. A herb and spiced panko crumb. Tempura? You could.

Because you can use schnitzel as the beef strips in like a beef stir fry. Yeah, you can. You can. So he could be stir fried. You wouldn't roast him. There's nothing there. Yeah. You'd have to corn flour quick fry.

You know what I mean? Like give them a corn flour coating and then a quick fry. A corn flour coating? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you putting panko breadcrumbs on? No, no, no, no. You're just doing a quick. Yeah, quick fry.

That's mad. Interesting. That's mad. You want panko breadcrumbs. You want to fatten them up a bit. Yeah, I suppose so. With an egg bath. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Flour, egg bath, panko crumbs, egg bath, panko crumbs. That's two lots of panko crumbs. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Season the breadcrumbs, season the egg. Flour, egg bath, panko crumbs, egg bath, panko crumbs. That's two lots of panko crumbs. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Season the breadcrumbs, season the egg. Chili oil on top. Oh, yeah. I'm eating them with mashed potato and I'm eating them with bruscus. Gravy.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Some gravy. Frozen peas. Frozen peas, broccoli, cauliflower, cheese sauce. And this is what I call a shum-a-la-la-la-la. A shum-a-la-la-la-la-la. A shum-a-la-la-la-la. A-sham-a-la-la-la-la-la. A-sham-a-la-la-la-la. Play ZN's Fletch, Fawn and Hayley.

Thank you, Sam. Good morning. Welcome to the show, Fletch, Fawn and Hayley. It's two minutes past six. Hi. Happy Thursday this week. Oh, my God. Will it end?

Do you mean like will the world end before we get to the end of the week? Maybe. Is that possible? When that news of the earthquake came through last night, I was like, are you kidding me? Did you call mum? Yeah, my brother is actually over from Melbourne with his partner, visiting my parents down in the Whitehead Upper. Oh, making a play for favourite child?

Yeah, a bit late, mate. And yeah, they've literally arrived in New Zealand and then there's a storm, like a cyclone. I don't know if it's going to make its way to Wellington, but they've been watching that. And then an earthquake. Pretty sick holiday for the Aussies. Was that the girlfriend's first big earthquake? No, no, she's a Kiwi.

Oh, she's a Kiwi. Yeah. Oh, right, okay. Went all the way to Australia to fall in love with another Kiwi. Kiwis do love doing that. Moving to London and finding another Kiwi. A flat full of Kiwis hang out with only Kiwis. Yeah.

Yeah. But yeah, the earthquake, terrible. They're pretty scary. I lived in Wellington during their last big one. And it was It's like It just sort of Keeps going This one

I haven't seen any Big reports of damage Or building cracks No I think it just Like felt big Right Yeah it was a six Six point something

Six point something Paraparaumu Yeah Scented Yeah so Pram Pram as they call it Yeah goodness

I believe pram My wife was singing The praises of Paraparaumu. Wow. She went there to get her makeup done for this wedding. She's like, what a lovely little beachside town. I said, I beg your pardon? I haven't been for years, but I always thought you Wellington folks scoffed at it. Look at that face.

She's scoffing. She's scoffing. She's scoffing. As Wellingtonians scoff at Palmerston North, but. Oh, yeah, but Palmerston North. Vaughan. You watch it. We've got a bit of a rivalry, us, Hamilton and Palmerston North,

because we're both inland towns, you see. Inland trash. With big universities, you see. Yes. With big reputations, you see. Big reputations and connections, see? Yeah. So that's why I always trash talk, aren't I?

All right, coming up on the show, the top six. Yeah, the Taliban are sick of the nine-to-five life, guys. They kind of established themselves and they said, well, we've had our fun riding on the back of Toyota Hiluxes with machine guns mounted on the back. Yeah. Where farmers put hay and the likes. We've had our fun doing that.

It's time to settle down and do some admin and get this nation set up that we want to do and now they're sick of it. They don't like office work? They don't like the admin. It can get tedious. Yeah. Very tedious. So I've got the top six other work structures for the Taliban who are sick of 9 to 5.

It's coming up on the show next though. Well the people have asked. They keep saying more star signs, more star signs. Well, I've got the star signs that don't match when it comes to love. Maybe we'll find out if we'll be

a perfect match. Oh yeah, is it the same for workplace relationships? I'm sure it is. Star signs? You would clash for the same reasons, right? Yeah, where the stars were in the sky when you were born. Well, this is also bad news if you've been with your partner for years and you're some of these star sign matches.

If you hear it, you'll have to break up with them. Immediately today. Yeah. Play. ZM's Fletchvorn and Hayley. Now you may notice I've just slipped on a velvet robe and a non-ethnic turban. I just want to make that really clear.

What, like a neutral turban? A neutral, clairvoyant, tarot reading turban. It's crushed green velvet. I would say that's almost a Romani turban, which I would think would be more offensive to our gypsy friends. Gypsy? No, no, no, no, no. Positive.

Don't give me that look. Don't give me that look. It's cancelled. Romani gypsies. It's an official term and it was in a positive light. I'm just going to take the turban off. I just feel,

I don't want to follow this guy into the house. Even an ethnically neutral turban. Why don't you just wear just a straw hat? Okay, I'll pop a straw hat on. Okay, great. There we go. It's a bit floppy and a bit itchy, but that's fine. I have the worst pairings when it comes to star signs and love.

Do you actually believe in star signs? You're not a... I believe in them. I follow them. I live by them. Very, very much so. You're not a crystals, recharging your crystals. They're recharging right now.

Right, okay. I've got one. I've got, they're covered. My body is covered. You can't see them. I would just like to issue an apology. Yes. As some Roma or Romani people do use the term gypsy.

Romani gypsy. Some, vehemently against. Okay, right. So I would like to term gypsy. Romani gypsy. Some, vehemently against. Okay, right. So I would like to apologise to anybody. Which lane are you in? Well, I'm not Romani. Okay. Yeah, okay.

So I shan't have it. So he is semi-cancelled. Well, I like to think I learnt, because I've Googled now, and it's a word I won't use again. Okay, good. Even in a positive light. I'm a neutral astrologer.

So I'm going to give you the worst paired couplings. Now, what are you guys? I'm a Libra. I'm a Cancer. Cancer. Pisces. Birthday on Monday. Me and Rihanna, baby.

Me and Rihanna, we're having a hell of a year. Okay, well, I'll jump forward a little bit to a Pisces just to make this relevant to us. Your worst matching, what's Sade? Okay, well, I'll jump forward a little bit to a Pisces, just to make this relevant to us. Your worst matching, what's Sade? The one before Pisces. She was yesterday, so Aquarius. Okay, your worst matching would be a Gemini, of course.

I'm nearly a Gemini, though. I'm a Gemini Cancer cusp, if you believe all that. So, wait, we've got a Gemini Pisces here. Yeah. Proving you wrong. Oh, shoot. So Gemini, eerie, cavalier, smart-mouthed and cutting Gemini can have Pisces and tears all day, every day.

Oh, that's true. In fact, the Gemini can sometimes enjoy torturing the hypersensitive Pisceans. That's true. Because it's all too easy. Our sex score is 84, though. So it can start off this match quite well because both signs are creative, playful, mutuable,

up for fun, social, and funny. Now, I would agree with these for both of you. But over time, Pisces, that's you, Vaughn, craves more attention and understanding, more sympathy and care, which is not what Gemini cusp typically dishes out. Oh my gosh. Not a good match.

Now we'll jump to your cancer side of things, Fletch. Cancer and Sagittarius, terrible. So I should avoid anyone that's a Sagittarius. If you have ever been with someone who's a Sagittarius, that should never have happened. Okay, right. Quite a lot of issues, but a lot of people come together who are Cancer and Sagittarius

because they're both highly sexual, flirtatious, and love to be in love. Okay, wow. Physically, things can work out wonders. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Emotionally. It's a nightmare. Hor love. Okay, wow. But... Physically, things can work out wonders. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. But... Emotionally...

It's a nightmare. Horrible. Okay. Now, Cancer, this is also you, possessive, jealous, secretive, and intensely passionate. Whereas a Sagittarius is carefree. Right. Resolutely independent and transparent. Yeah. Right Resolutely independent And transparent Yeah So

You are possessive And they are More likely to wander And flirt elsewhere How dare they Well no wonder I'm jealous They're flirting everywhere No I'll move to me

I'm a Libra Okay My terrible match Now Aaron's a Libra as well Okay So we're okay Because my terrible match Would be a Scorpio

Oh Are they like November? Uh Yeah Yeah So we're next. Because my terrible match would be a Scorpio. Oh. Are they like November? Yeah. Yeah. So we're next to each other because I'm October. End of November. Right.

So this coupling, great potential again at the start. Both are passionate, sexual, and into their love life. But once personality starts to play more

of a driving force, things will just collapse. I know. Sorry, my cloak got a little bit caught there. Libra is a people pleaser. Yep. A diplomat, a natural socialite, and a flirt.

Oh, okay. Whereas Scorpio will be appalled at how easily they charm people and their superficial chat and their shape-shifting tendencies. Wow. And may perceive it as disloyal. Scorpios want to be adored and Libra looks like they do. Right. But then Scorpio

noticed that Libra seems to adore quite a few other people as well. It's all just words now. It's all just words now. This is sage advice. It's because it's not applying to my 13th of the, or my 12th of the year. Well you know who to avoid now. There's all the rest of them too, but I think those are the main ones.

What are some main, are there any other main matches that aren't? Aries and Virgo. Yeah. The Ram and the Virgin. Yeah, okay. Doesn't work. No. You've got to be a bit gentle, don't you?

Taurus and Aquarius. Yeah. No. Gemini Pisces. You guys ever look at your star sign and memes? No. Because, you know, like, how should we put this? Hot people on Instagram.

Yeah. They quite often talk about their star signs. Absolutely. And when it's entering their, like, time, their month, they start, like, being like, we're entering Sagittarius season. You know what that means? And then a bunch of these insane memes that could literally apply to anybody. Yeah, I'm just looking at Libra ones and I'm like, yeah.

I just Googled cancer memes and these are a lot about actual cancer. It's probably not the best. We'll just move on then. Maybe don't share those. I would like to have a look though, just out of curiosity. You've seen us a couple. Jesus. Clay, Zed Eames, Fletch, Vaughn and Hayley.

So a man in Jaina has... Jaina. A while ago, he won 1.2 million pounds. So what's that? About two and a half... Two and a half mil. Two and a half mil, New Zealand. Now, this is two years ago.

He didn't tell his wife. You think Aaron would ever... Or he'd just start coming home with nicer things. We've talked about this because there's a few people I would tell if I won Lotto, whereas he would tell no one. In fact, I almost feel like he would hesitate to tell me. And would he leave you or would you just all of a sudden not have a mortgage? I think maybe he would just like set us up quietly.

He'd tell you. And then like 10 years down the track, he'd be like, we won Lotto 10 years ago. The mortgage is complete. Because you would just get on the radio and tell everybody? Yeah, and I'd spend it. Yeah. And go out. Yeah. I'd? Yeah, and I'd spend it. Yeah. And go out. Yeah.

I'd be that person, we'd go out for dinner, I'd be like, guys! I got this. I got this. It does blow my mind when people, because I mean obviously a lot of them want to get the good press and they want a good story. And so, you know, they're obviously, if someone's willing to say, yeah, I work at a, like, I work every morning and, you know, I've been

scraping by. Yeah, we've been struggling our whole lives. And here's where I live and work. Here's the town I live. It's like, no, don't say anything. Nah, because people come knocking. Because people will come knocking. And charities, like, I think I've read a lot about people who win big.

Charities will, like, approach them. Really? Like I would find that so hard. Because how do you say no? You'd have like, you could have 10 or 20 million. You'd be like, yes. Can't give it to everyone.

Well, this man won a lotto two years ago. He did transfer some money out though from his winnings to his ex. Oh, okay. All right. So she found out and has divorced him. She's filed for divorce and is suing him for 60% of the winnings. 60%?

How does that work? I don't know what the dealers in China with, if they've got the same kind of laws that we do. If you're together for three years, you've got half of everything, anything. Yeah. Anyway. Yeah. What's it called?

De facto. Yeah, de facto relationship. I didn't think. I don't know why. I assume China didn't have a lottery. Why? Just because everything's so controlled. Because technically, isn't it still communist?

Technically. Yeah, yeah. Technically. I know it's not, but technically. To me, isn't it still communist? Technically. Yeah, yeah. Technically. I know it's not, but technically. To me, communists shouldn't have lotteries. Right. Because it's like one person's going to get a big bump, but you want everybody the same, don't you?

And I know that's theoretically how it should work, and that's never how it's worked, so that's why there's never been like a super successful actual communist system. But as a communist lotto. Everybody wins. Yeah. You pay for the ticket and then you win and you take the ticket back

and then you get the exact money back that you paid for the ticket. That's a crap game. It's like a short-term line. It's like a government bond but in lotto form. Yeah, right. And the numbers are 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6. Isn't that a coincidence? Because those are the six numbers that are available.

Congratulations to all of our winners tonight. You missed out Powerball. He missed out Powerball. Oh, we don't have a Powerball. We're communist. Oh, okay. We're trying to keep it chill. Right.

We don't want the people to get excited about money. Right. Because that's kind of how communism works. You can't get them all jacked up on money. No. Yeah. Because they want more money. But there is no money. There is no money. Right. Because that's kind of how communism works. You can't get them all jacked up on money. No. Yeah. Because they want more money. But there is no money.

There is no money. We're working for a greater good for everybody. Yeah. See, this is why I think that, see, now it makes sense. Why are we trying

to have a lottery? Yeah. Chuck another wall up if you want something to do, you know? That one, I've seen some parts of it. It's a bit shit.

Rickety. Rickety. I wouldn't feel safe standing on it for too long. You're crumbling. And what happens if the Mongolians get their shit together again? Yeah. Don't say you weren't warned. Play ZM's Fletchford and Ailey.

Play ZM. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah, blah. This is the top six. Hello there. You'll all remember the horrific images of the withdrawal from Kabul in Afghanistan by US military forces and thousands of people literally trying to get on planes and get out, terrified of life under the Taliban who promised at the time more progressive ruling of the citizens

and accepting of women's rights. And it's just got worse and worse, basically. It's gone back to it. Well, the Taliban, it's not all sunshine and roses on that side of the ruling divide either. As they say now they're bored and they're missing the days

of the times of jihad. They don't like office life. A 24-year-old sniper turned administrator says life's gotten so tiring you do the same things every day.

The Taliban used to be about the holy war free of restrictions. But now we have to sit in one place behind a desk and computer and be on Twitter and talk to women. Oh dear. Sounds like someone's aching to get back into the dusty desert with the boys. Yeah.

What are the odds? Another 25-year-old militant. He's now an executive director in the government and he had to learn how to use a computer and he doesn't like how much time he has to spend on the internet.

He just wants to get back out there. Wow. To the good old days. This is incredible. Yeah, they just look and there's a couple of photos and the dude just looks so bored. They got what they wanted. It wasn't what they wanted. Grass isn't always greener, is it? It was the thrill of the hunt. Yeah. Not the feast itself

that they desired. Oh well, if they're sick was the thrill of the hunt. Yeah. Not the feast itself that they desired. Oh, well, if they're sick of the nine to five, I've got the top six other work structures for the Taliban. Okay. I've been reading some books.

Okay. I've been reading some books. And also, you're involved quite heavily in management here, aren't you? Hugely. Yeah. Hugely.

You're a mentor to a lot of new leaders. Uh-huh. Yeah. I'm sort of a senior member of the senior leadership team. Yeah. Unofficially.

Senior squared. Yeah. S2. Yeah. Unofficially. Senior squared. Yeah. S2. Yeah. It's an A. S2. LT.

Yeah. Senior senior leadership team. Yeah. That's why he's got a good car park downstairs. He's got the best car park. Right next to the elevator. I just drive straight into work. Drive straight in.

Straight in. Don't have to turn. Straight in. Walk. Get out. Walk straight to the lift. I've got to turn twice. Yeah, you've got to turn twice.

Other management are on like the next level. I've got to turn twice. Yeah, you've got to turn twice. Other management are on like the next level. I've got to turn three times actually. Yeah, and that's why I'm late to work every morning. Well, I'm early technically but I've got to do 25 minutes in the S2LT team.

Oh, right. Yeah, of course. The same team there is redundant because the T in S2LT stands for team. Got to do 25 minutes there just to catch up,

make sure everybody's on the right track for the day. Of course you do, yeah. And away I go. I've been reading books like Getting Things Done, The Art of Stress-Free Productivity. Okay. The End of Jobs, Money, Meaning, and Freedom

Without the 9 to 5. I've already popped a couple of those in the post. Straight to Kabul. Oh, yeah. The Millionaire Next Door, Surprising Secrets of America's Wealthy. Okay. The Intelligent Investor and the four-hour work week,

which is number six on the list of the top six other work structures of the Taliban who are sick of the nine-to-five. The four-hour work week. Now, how does that work? How do you get all your work done in four hours? Well, you really concentrate. Right. So you're just for four days oppressing women?

No, four hours. Four hours a day. No, no, four hours a week. You are not listening to women. No, four hours. Four hours a day. No, no, four hours a week. You are not listening to me, dum-dum. Four hours a day. This is why you're not an S2LT. Yeah. So four hours a week.

Correct. And if you try real hard, you can put all your work into that four hours. Yeah, and if it can't be done in that four hours, it's not worth doing. Okay, yeah, good. All right, I'm down with that. Which is why starting tomorrow, I'm here 50 minutes a day. I'm going to spread my four hours over five days.

Perfect. It'll be nice to have a little bit of you every day. A little bit. Just a little smidge, a little kiss, a little sprinkle. Number five on the list of the top six other work structures of the Taliban who are sick of the nine to five, from the four-hour work week to the four-day work week. Okay.

Take Friday. Take Monday. Hell, hey. Shit. Yeah. Take Wednesday. Yeah. Head up to the sand dunes for a long weekend.

Yes. Oh, beautiful up there. Gas up the highlaps. Yeah. Yeah. Full up that thing that holds the bullets. Or maybe take an old black hawk helicopter,

the US military left that behind. What better way to learn to fly a helicopter than in a black hawk? Four day work week, baby. People are doing it. Gorgeous.

It's all the rave. Number four on the list of the top six other work structures for the Taliban who are sick of the 9 to 5. A leaf out of the Spanish book, Midday Siesta. Oh, siesta.

9 till 11.30. Half an hour lunch. Hot over in the desert. Yeah, famously. Yeah. Yeah. Famously hot. Half hour lunch.

Half hour lunch, hour nap. So an hour and a half gap in the middle of the day. Yeah, good stuff. How nice is that? And then back to work. Miss the heat of the day, you know? Yeah. Number three on the list of the top six other work structures for the Taliban who are sick

of the nine to five. The pre-lunchtime work day. Get up early. Yep. Pre the sun. Yep. Work. Afternoon's for play.

Well, that's us, isn't it? Admin, admin, admin. Yeah. That's the Taliban work whistles tellinging you jobs over for the day Time's up What are you up to now? Let's get on the back of the Hilux Hoon out into the desert

Crack a brewski Crack a brewski and let off some rounds Yeah Number two on the list of the top six other work structures For the Taliban who are sick of the 9 to 5 Work from home Everybody's doing it Yeah

Get a work from home going. WFH. Yeah. Yeah. Then put it on the gram. Hashtag WFH. And you're in your slippers. Yeah.

Shirt on top though. Oh, shirt on top for Zoom calls. Yeah. Shirt on top for Zoom calls. And number one on the list of the top six other work structures for the Taliban who are sick of the 9 to 5.

Freelance Taliban. Yeah. Freelance Taliban. Yeah. Freelance. You decide your hours. You contract when suits you. One week you might want to work all week. Next week, it's a quiet week. Yeah.

Just get paid the hours you work. Gas up the Hilux. There's always a Hilux. Couple of brewskis. Couple of brewskis. Load up the magazine clip. Yep. Go into the desert.

Let a few rounds off. You work when you want. And everything can be claimed back from GST, can't it? Oh, yeah. GST, register yourself. Including the brewskis. Including the gas and the Hilux. It's a company vehicle.

Absolutely. You will need a log book. Yeah, you've got to log your mileage. Hey, no one said it was going to be easy being a contractor. A bit more paperwork. A lot more freedom. That's today's Top 6. There's a new dating app.

Another one. Do we need another one? Well, each of them have a small difference, right? Or a little hook, shall we say. What was the last one? It was the Thursday where it's only on, I don't know if it's in New Zealand or people. Yeah, you can only message only message on a Thursday. And then you've got to be excited the

whole week to like find somebody. Yeah, I get that. Like absence makes the heart grow fonder. And then there was my idea for a dating website called Pot Scrub. What was that? So you pick somebody, but you've got to go back every day

and, like, scrub it again to try to get more details. Right. You know, like, when you get a pot and you, like, get something in the bottom and then you leave it soaking overnight. Right. So you've got to pick them and you can pick nobody else. Right. You pick one person.

Yeah. And you're like, I want to scrub the pot. And then you go back the next day and you, like, have to, like, literally scrub the screen to try to get go back the next day and you have to literally scrub the screen to try to get more information out. So it's like an instant scratchy. Yeah, and it's like an all-you-can-save-it-more-of-the-year. Like day one, her name's Sally, and this is her right eye.

And you're like, that. I'm in. Leave her soaking. Come back 24 hours later. Scrub, scrub, scrub, scrub, scrub, scrub, scrub. She's from? Norway. Norway. A long way away. And then you're like, too, scrub, scrub, scrub, scrub. She's from Norway.

Long way away. And then you're like, too far away from me. Stop scrubbing. Scrub. Next pop. You've thrown the pot out. Yeah. It's a slow reveal. That's enticing. I think people want immediacy. We're living too much in immediacy. We need to go back to

the pot scrub. Mark my words. That's a new dating term taking our time. The pot scrub. The pot scrub. Pot scrub. Mark my words. That's a new dating term for you there. Yeah. Hey, guys. I got scrubbed.

Yeah. Well, that's what it's called when you get rid of the pot. And then at your wedding day, you're like, yeah, we met each other and we scrubbed each other. We scrubbed each other silly. We're pot scrubbers. The first thing I knew about Catherine was that she had an ear. Yes.

And it was a cute ear, so I kept scrubbing. It was a cute little ear. Yeah. Well, that's maybe a more exciting idea than Rebel Wilson's. Suck it, Rebel Wilson. It's quite simple, Rebels, which it's called fluid. Okay. Which immediately sort of conjures up images of all sorts.

Fluids you might not want to see. Bodily. Yeah. Bodily fluids. But no, she's meaning more. Yeah. Bodily fluids. But no, she's meaning more sort of... Sexuality fluid. Sexually fluid. Yeah.

Gender fluidity. Fluidity? Fluidity. Fluidality. Fluidality. So the app Fluid offers a new dating experience for singles of any sexual orientation with users not required to define their sexuality

upon signing up, avoiding the complications that come with limiting yourself to one single box. So rather than saying, I'm gay and I'm a woman, or I'm a lesbian, say. I have an ear. And I have an ear. So we're just going to park your idea for a second.

I know there's no bad idea in a brainstorm, but there is. I have symmetrical nostrils. I don't think that's a box that will be ticked on fluid. Yeah. But you don't have to define what you're looking for. Right. Which can leave you a bit more open. But then how do you search for people that you want?

Like, will there still be a, like, refining search? It's in the working stages. Okay, right. No, she's actually announced it and you can sign up for it now. Right. But I know what you mean because it's like, no, you don't have to say I'm bisexual. So you only get men and women.

Yeah. But you could say I have an eyebrow. Pot scrub. No. Okay, so it's not quite what you're going to be putting in. Okay. I'm looking for someone with an eyebrow. It's just a wider dating pool.

Right. But she also said that people who are straight can enjoy it too. But then, yeah, you're going to be like, if I was looking and I was straight and I would be swiping past all these women, like get out of my sight. Yeah. But is she going, maybe I might stumble if I was straight looking at that and go, oh, this woman's actually

quite hot. And then I might. But see, you've been distracted by seeing it all at once. If you were to have those slowly revealed. No. So scrub away. All I know about Craig is he's wearing a purple T-shirt.

Right. I can't wait to see if he's got a face. Oh, look, here you go. Fluid's algorithm. Yeah. Don't talk to me about algorithms. Will intuitively move in the direction of the user's sexuality. So you can just start.

Oh, so it knows before you do. So when you start swiping, it's going to pick up what you like. Yeah, so I'd start swiping on all these women like, no, no, no. And it would be like, okay, I think I know. And then I'd be like, yes, to a woman. I'd be like, oh. I thought I knew. I thought I knew.

Yeah. But actually she likes women who look like boys. Right, okay. But that's also a setting on Potscrap. You could be like, prefer gender. Right, okay. Anything. Gender doesn't matter to me.

What is gender? I don't see gender. These are all options on Potscrub. Because you can see this eye, right? That could be anything. It could be a man's eye. Yeah, it could be a man with nice eyelashes. I'm not going to wait two weeks of chatting to this eye

to then find out other things. It's worth it, though. You don't get to chat to the eye until you unlock the mouth. Yeah. It's purely on... This app is terrible. Your app is never going to work. It's just grown on me. It'll grow on... This app is terrible, Vaughan. Your app is never going to work.

It's just grown on me. It'll grow on you, all right, as you slowly reveal more and more. How are you making money off this app? It's like Naked Attraction without the willies. Do you get the willy eventually? You get the willy eventually. From the eye to the collarbone. I think most dating apps end with you getting the willy.

Play ZM's Fletch, Vaughn and Hayley. Fletch, Vaughn and Hayley. Silly little pole. Silly little pole. It is so silly, silly, silly. That silly little pole. Silly little pole. Silly little pole.

Silly little pole. Silly little pole. Today's silly little pole. My messenger's being a silly little something. Here we go. You got it? Silly little pole. How many takeaways do you have a week?

Zero to one or two to three or four plus. Now I said zero to one, but if we're including maybe one takeaways, one trip to the pub, I'd be more on the two. Yeah, that's takeaways. We should have said takeaway slash eating out. Yeah.

Well, that'd be four to five. Did you find a loophole? Here we go. How many takeaways do you have a week? Zero to one, 76%. Two to three, 22%. Four plus, 1%. Okay.

What? Emma says, unless frozen Coke counts, then it's four. Frozen Coke isn't a takeaway. It's a delicious frozen treat. Oh, no, but if you go through the drive-thru just to get a frozen Coke. Just for a frozen Coke. No, that doesn't count. That's not a meal.

It's a meal. It's a meal. It's a treat. Just for a frozen toast. No, that doesn't count. That's not a meal. It's a treat. It's a meal. It's a treat. Michael says, holy crap, we know this couple that have takeout eight times a week. Four days dinner, four days lunch. No. All delivered. Far out.

Delivered. You must be spending so much money. Far out. Amy, I can't see what she actually voted for, but I'm imagining it might be four. Yeah. Because she said, busy schedules, I hate cooking for just me, and to be honest, a $6 combo is probably cheaper than a meal I'd make most nights.

Yeah. She's not wrong. She's not wrong. Not wrong. She's not wrong. I mean, who can afford to eat healthy when eating not healthy is so much cheaper? Yeah. We live in a country, takeaways are far too far away, says Sarah.

That was always growing up as well. We never had takeaways because we lived in the country. I wonder if these results have changed since the pandemic when everybody kind of really focused on eating and cooking at home and maybe got a bit more used to it. And also with, you know, cost of living. Yeah. Yeah. But you're talking about a bit more used to it. And also with, you know, cost of living. We went, yeah. Yeah.

But you're talking about a bit of meal planning. Yeah. A bit of meal prep. Yeah. The weekly shop. Well, we all thought we were going to change our ways during lockdowns and stuff. And then as soon as we were out, we were just back into old habits, wasn't it? Yeah.

Same. I hate to admit it, says Poppy, but one dinner and one lunch. It's too easy. And adulting is hard. That's fine. Laura said, half the time I only get it because I just forgot to get the bloody meat out of the freezer. We've all been there, Laura.

Oh, yeah. We've all been there. I just put the mince in the pan, frozen. You chisel away at it, layer by layer. Yeah, roll it round. Roll it, scrape off the mince. Well, you think you've got meat in the fridge, or something in the fridge,

and then you start cooking, and you're like, oh, there's nothing here. There's nothing. I made a, what I, it was my wife's birthday yesterday. We did go out for lunch. We went to Yum Cha for lunch. Yum.

Delish. But then dinner, I was like, what do you want for dinner? And she said, I've got nothing planned. And I said, actually,

I've got a Smith fry-out planned and that's where you take everything in the fridge and just put it in one big pan. Yum. And she was like, mm. And then I did that

and scrambled eggs and she was actually eating it and the girls, our daughters said, that's the best meal we've had this week. That really hurts mum's feelings on her birthday when she puts effort in and then dad just slops a whole lot of stuff in a pan and it turns out alright.

Tom says I don't eat takeaways at all. Oh well Tom. Oh well Tom. Let us bow at the altar of Tom. Tom. Must be nice. Must be nice Tom. His body is a temple. Ava says, when I worked at Macca's, I ate it five

days a week. Yum. And now that I work at a fast food chain's office, I probably still eat some form of fast food a good three times a week. Yum. Well, you've got to be Tess Villapata. That's exactly what she said. She said, I tell myself I'm checking on the competitors. Yeah, it's good stuff. Market research. Yeah.

Harlow says, it actually coincides with quite nicely on how often I'm hungover. Yeah, true. There's a correlation, not a causation there. Nobody is having a salad when you're hungover. Oh, yuck. Salads don't even touch the side. And Alana says, we plan our week's meals on a Sunday and then we shop for those meals and try to stick to it so no food gets wasted

and then Thursday night we go to the night markets and everyone splits off to get their own food and there's no arguments. Yeah, that's a good idea. Yeah, there you go. Good planning.

Get to the bloody night markets. Play ZM's Fletch Vaughan and Hayley. Paul Rudd. He's got a new movie. Yeah. Ant-Man and the Waspy Person. Brian Clint with Maddie. Ant-Man and the Waspy Person.

And the Waspy Person. Yeah. Brian Clint with Maddie McLean this afternoon, they're talking to Paul Rudd about Ant-Man and the Wasp Quantumania. We dropped the ball on that one, guys, because I'm a big Paul Rudd fan. It's weird. Paul Rudd and Hugh Grant are my two non-massive hairy men that I really like. And both are going to be in, like, he's in Ant-Man and the Wasp Quantumania

and Hugh Grant's going to be in the Dungeons and Dragons movie. Is this hard for you to know that the nerdy stuff I'm into is what you find the most attractive in the world? Despite those things, I still like them. Anyway, Drew, he's been doing lots of promo for this, as you say, talking to our friends in the afternoon.

And he was doing an interview with People Magazine and they asked him how he decompresses and he says he allows himself to go down like a YouTube rabbit hole and they were like what do you look up as Paul Rudd and it's very like normal so

sometimes he says I'll start with an old clip of John Lennon and Paul McCartney on a talk show then that'll probably lead to something like George Harrison singing with I'll start with an old clip of John Lennon and Paul McCartney on a talk show. Okay. Then that'll probably lead to something like George Harrison singing with Paul Simon on Saturday Night Live. And then I'll start going down a George Harrison kind of rabbit hole for a long time. So he's a Beatles fan, I guess. Right, yeah.

And then he says next he'll get a bit bored of that and then he'll start looking up people falling over things. Which is like classic fodder. Nothing brutal. Right. He pushes, but just your sort of fail army. Right, yeah. General clips. And then his final rabbit hole, and this is me as well, news bloopers.

Oh, yeah, news bloopers are great. News bloopers, like there's one YouTube guy who puts them all together every month from the States and they are just gold. Gold. News people not realising they're on camera, gold. A woman checking her make-up. She's live. We're cross live. It's gold.

Somebody thinks they're in a live cross but they're not. Yeah. Sorry, somebody thinks they're pre-recording but it's a live cross and they're like, if they start again, they're like, we're live. Yeah. So good. I love it so much. Like people falling off, people running behind news presenters

when they're live on TV, they just like drop to the ground. I love that. So you and Paul Rudd have that in common. Me and Paul Rudd have that in common. Does he like watching those people build those pools in the middle of the jungle? Oh, in the middle of bloody Thailand. I love them.

I'm trying to look up my YouTube to see what I go down. Mine's predominantly food. Yeah, I guess Instagram Reels and TikTok, same thing, right? Just getting down that hole of... Well, I mentioned yesterday that my... Oh, no.

On the podcast, I mentioned that my algorithm on Instagram is all Christian-based at the moment. Now, we don't have time to get into why, but I'm in a Christian rabbit hole on Instagram. Not standard Christian connect, Now, we don't have time to get into why, but I'm in a Christian rabbit hole.

Not standard Christian connect, televangical. Yeah. You find it quite entertaining. I am delivered. Evangelical. Televangical. How do you say that word? Televangical.

The other one I love is. Pretty sure you put genitals and vagina in there. Tendogenital velogists. Yeah, that's them. in there and it's Tannogenital phallogists Yeah That's them Vaginalists Yeah The other one I love is like people buying lost luggage

And then opening it up And then opening it up Yes Anyway, I want to know what your internet rabbit hole is Yes What is it that you just go Okay

As a little treat or a little way to decompress I'm just going to allow myself a couple of videos Next minute's been a couple of hours It's way to decompress, I'm just going to allow myself a couple of videos. Next minute's been a couple of hours. It's water blasting videos. You love the rug cleaning? The rug washing, rug cleaning.

So if it's on TikTok, Reels or YouTube, whatever, what is your internet rabbit hole? The videos that you just cannot get enough of. I'm sort of doing this selfishly because I'm like, I want some cool content. It's like I love sand. I love the sand. You know, people carving sand.

They do the art with the sand. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just cut some sand for me. Oh, you just like the cut of that sand. I thought you were talking about the people that make the sand art. Nah, nah, nah, nah. Screw those guys. And then they go, blow it all away.

Oh, my God. Hours. Yesterday, I watched a guy on a potting wheel turn a Malteser chocolate into a small mini like vase. What? And then he ate it. Yum. Yeah, I know.

He was like doing the little wheel thing with his fingers. Why don't we do more chocolate pottery? Yeah. Why don't we do more chocolate pottery? I know. Yum. Hot hands. Chottery.

Chottery. Chottery. All right. They have a drink out of it and then they eat the cup. We want you to give us a call now. 0800 dials at M as a number. All right, well. And then have a drink out of it and then eat the cup. We want you to give us a call now. 0800 dial ZM is the number. Text in 9696. What is your internet rabbit hole?

What videos do you just love? I've got YouTube open, TikTok, Instagram. I'm ready to look it up. Play ZM's Fletch Vaughan and Hayley. Play ZM. We want to know where your internet rabbit hole is. One, so that we can go down that rabbit hole later today on our own private time. Yes.

And two, because Paul Rudd has shared his. Quite simple things, people falling over, the Beatles interviews, and news bloopers. News bloopers I love. Love, yeah. I was already there. So whether it's on YouTube, TikTok, Instagram Reels, what seems absolutely spiralling? Anna, what rabbit holes do you go down? Good morning, guys.

Good morning. First of all, long-time listener, first-time caller. Get the bell, get the bell. Yeah. Welcome, welcome. Welcome, welcome. Welcome, welcome. Thank you, thank you.

I mean, there's no way of verifying that Anna hasn't been on before, but we'll believe you. No, I trust her. I trust her. She trusts her voice. She does. Mine's a bit basic, but I've been watching Dr. Pimple Popper videos

for like the last two years. I don't like them. I don't like them. I get why people like them. It's so satisfying. Do you like those ones where she judges other people's Pimple Popper videos? Oh, that's content.

I haven't seen that before. That's content. Get into a bit of that content. She sits down and she'll be like, oh, here they go. Oh, no, they're not doing this right. And they've left behind the sack. Because, you know, afterwards when she does the big pimple, she pulls out the sack.

There's a sack. There's a sack. It grows in the sack. Like a drainage system. Well, yeah, I think when the pore initially gets infected, it creates like a seal around it, and that's what holds the pus. So you're emptying the sack, but then you've got to take the sack otherwise it'll just, it could refill.

Am I right in saying that? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. She's the only one that removes the sack. Do you want, does she do ingrown hairs? Yep. Oh, I also watch those. Yeah, I can have a bit of that. Have you purchased her pimple tools? I've, yeah, I also watch those. Yeah. I can have a bit of that. Have you purchased her pimple tools?

I've, yeah, I've purchased. I don't know if it's hers, but it's like a suction thing that you like apply to your face. Oh, my God. I didn't even see that. To like excrete the stuff from your pores. Oh, my God, Anna. My wife's got one of those in her bed, so I draw it. No, no, no, that's not what that's doing.

And it goes, and I just put it on my nose and it doesn't do much on my blackheads. No, they don't actually do much. Yeah. I realise. It's sort of, yeah.

It's rechargeable and waterproof though, so you can do it in your shower. I don't know if you're using the right one there, Vaughn. Don't use that

on your pimples, bro. I have my tooth that chipped it. No, no, no, no, don't. Anna, thank you for your call. Let's go to Kira. Kira, what is the internet rabbit hole you go down?

Good morning, guys. Have you called the show before, Kira? I think I have. I wouldn't ding the bell. Okay, all right. Thank you for being honest, too. I appreciate that. Thank you.

Some people like the attention. They do. They love the bell Kira what's the rabbit hole You go down I go down a few But my favourite one Is probably the pool cleaning guy

On TikTok My daughter was like Dad you're going to love this And show me the Like these pools are Ruined Slimy Ruined

Yes He found something In the bottom of the water Like a bike in the one In the bottom of the water The ones I was watching him do. Yes. But what is it that's so satisfying about that?

I think it's similar to like the water blasting and that sort of stuff. It's just really oddly nice to watch. Yeah. The mould and the moss. It's the journey of seeing something that you're like, how is this going to be clean? And then they can clean it.

Yeah. And then it looks beautiful at the end. Do you ever watch, Kira, have you ever dipped a toe in the car detailing videos? No, I haven't actually. They get really filthy cars and they take like the seats

out of them and everything. If you love a pool clean, you're going to love a car detail. And also, I'll chuck you a rug wash. Oh yeah. Rug wash. Those are amazing. But sometimes, Kira, it's a little disappointing because the rug's faded and you expect it to be as bright and vibrant as the day it was made in Persia. It was.

Thank you, Kira. Thank you, Kira. Keegan, good morning. How are we, team? Really good, thank you. Really good. What's your rabbit hole? Okay, so it's quite a niche market.

I don't know if everyone's going to be attracted to it, your rabbit hole? Okay, so it's quite a niche market. I don't know if everyone's going to be attracted to it, but I have a very weird thing for watching cruise ships and rough seas. What? Specifically cruise ships or will you dip a toner in a cargo ship? So when your producer called me, I was saying, like, it's strange, but I have, like, a gallery on my phone dedicated to cruise ships in Auckland.

Oh, no, you've seen it? Oh, if we finish work early, like we'll go past the viaduct and hop out and have a little walk. And nine times out of ten, I can get the boat from the harbour bridge. Wow. Oh, you've taken this quite far. Right. But the other thing is I'm also like, I think I've been in the ocean like three times since I was 12 because I don't like water. So why are you watching this?

You're a magically confusing man. Yeah. Why do you do that to me? Because there's something like this boat is huge. I feel like I'm going to get all factual now. But if you look at like Oasis of the Seas versus the Titanic size-wise, it is ridiculously big and that thing just shouldn't float. My problem, Keegan, is how tall they are compared to how wide they are. Yes.

How are they not topple? How are they not topple? They'd look like they'd be top-heavy. Physics. Physics, guys. Physics. Don't give me that physics bullshit. No, I actually don't know.

That just sounded like the right answer. I guess you're like a boat nerd to plane nerds, because plane nerds are the same. Like, how can an A380 take off? Like, that thing is gigantic. Oh, like, if we want to get into it, my second biggest fetish is probably, like, what do you call them? Planes landing in turbulence.

Oh, yeah. Turbulence. A few people messaged in that. Do you want these to crash, these things? No. No, God, no, no, no. Holy God, no. No, no, no. Do you want these to crash, these things? No. No, no, no. Holy God, no.

No, no, no. But you want them to get as close to crashing as possible. And then save the day. Well, it's just something, you know, like these cruise ships are just so big. They just should not float. I agree. And you just see them. And the thing is, you know all the passengers are terrified, but the, what do you want to call them, captain is absolutely loving it.

I love this. Do you have a bit of a nautical fantasy, Keegan? Would you like to be a captain on a big ship? Yeah. Laughing and powering through the seas like a modern day, you know, buccaneer. My, my captain, what a mighty ship you have. I think that's the next career change. But I've got to get over my fear of water.

Because I was going to buy a jet ski a couple of months back. And everyone was like, you don't like the water. No, that's silly. And you literally have to be surrounded by it to be on a jet ski, don't you? Yeah, you do. Kegan, what an interesting man. Thank you for calling. Thank you for calling.

Some messages in, quickly to finish. Your video YouTube rabbit holes. Somebody said, I follow vet accounts online and it's all like lancing massive cysts on animals or a cow or a horse

has got a sore hoof and they find out it's because they stood on some like stone three years ago and it's buried under the hoof now

and they've got to dig it out people yeah people in the hoof and they're like like all this pus comes out of the hoof they get the thing out they pull out the stone or whatever and they're like, like all this pus comes out of the hoof. Yeah, they get the thing out, they pull out the stone or whatever.

So it's like. You think they could have pus in your hoof? No, you don't want pus in your hoof. Somebody said overgrown lawn transformations. I guess that's in the same realm as the pool and the car detailing. You know, you're seeing something, you're like, how are they ever going to fix this? And they did.

Someone said elaborate cake decorating. Because at the start, they've just got a plain cake, and you're like, how are you going to do it? Yeah. And then they do it. Somebody said, chiropractor cracks. So there's videos where they crack other people's backs. I love that.

Yeah. And producer Jared's message, I love deep sea welding videos. So hot, so topical. How do you weld in the ocean? Producer Jared is constantly wanting us to talk to somebody that does underwater welding because he thinks that people are going to be interested. He's obsessed with welding underwater.

With someone that welds underwater. Especially on a rig. I believe an oil rig is his main. It's not happening. It's not happening. It's not happening. He loves it. Absolutely not.

I like watching videos on strip talk. Now, you might think that's videos of strippers, but it's videos of strippers counting their money after a shift. Oh, yes. I thought you were talking about when they strip old metal rusty parts and they put them in a laser. No, I've watched this before, and they're literally in the dressing room afterwards being like,

how much do they make? Thousands. And then does some dude come in and he's like give him it. Nah, she takes it hard. Like the guy who owns the Yeah, probably have to give a little bit of a cut

to the owner. Probably a little cut. She's counting money that doesn't actually exist as legal tender and then she has to give it to him and then he gives her

a very poor exchange rate. She worked for it. Yeah, I know she worked for it but he's a piece of shit. It's the patriarchy and I say the sooner it falls the better. Couldn't agree more.

We're joined in studio by Guy Montgomery from Guymont Spelling Bee, starting tonight on 3 at 7.30. Awesome family fun. Here he is. Good morning. Good morning, Vaughan. And also to Fletch and finally to Hayley. Oh, thank you. Now I believe... Good morning. Yeah, I. And also to Fletch. Thank you. And finally to Hayley. Oh, thank you. Now, I believe...

Headlining the Good Mornings. Yeah, I believe Hayley is on the first episode tonight. That is right. Hayley, you weren't headlining the Good Mornings. You went last because I couldn't remember your name. Right. But in saying that, Hayley is on the show tonight, the first episode, the first televised episode

of my Guy Montgomery's Guy Mont Spelling Bee. I know, that's a fair point because this is not the first time you've ever done it. This is something you started. I started this in 2020. Do you guys remember? Such a good year. Such a good year.

The pandemic, which thankfully is now in the rear vision mirror, but there was a period. I don't know if you can remember this, Faber. We were all in our houses. Yes. Just for ages. Doing nothing. Would you come in to do this?

Yes. Or did you do it from afar? Oh, wow, you were essential. We were some of the lucky ones. We were. Us and countdown workers. Wow, yeah, it was a slating review on virtually every other livelihood. Not essential, not essential, not essential.

And you show ponies. But, yeah, I started doing them on YouTube with friends just to while away the hours because I felt lonely. And I was going crazy. Yeah, I bet. And three years of development and sort of jumping through the very generously placed hoops from

New Zealand on air and networks and production companies. I can't believe it, but it's actually going to be, it is. We've filmed it. It's a television show. It's coming out tonight. I had so much fun doing it. I genuinely, though, the thing that I didn't expect when I was filming it

was how nervous I was. Because there's something so vulnerable about admitting whether you're a good or a bad speller. Yeah. And I wasn't the only one. Everyone who was on the show

with me was like, oh my God, oh my God, I'm so terrible, oh my God. And a few people had been like studying and trying to get quickly better at spelling. Just reading the dictionary?

That is how you study spelling. There's a documentary called Spellbound. It's an old documentary, an American documentary. It's like the late 90s, early 2000s about spellers and their parents. And these kids study hard. And that's sort of part of where the obsession came from. Also, I always thought I was good at spelling. And we all think, I don't know, everyone has a relationship to spelling.

It's one of the few universal access points we have. But you don't really have to do it anymore because you just got autocorrect. Yeah. I'd rather attempt maths. Really? And spelling because maths is a forgivable thing to not know how to do it right. Like, oh, you don't know how to do that. That's fine.

That's maths. Spelling's a forgivable thing too. If you want a maths show, why don't you go develop one, you lazy sod? Like it's fine. That's math. Spelling's a forgivable thing too. If you're on a math show, why don't you go develop one, you lazy sod? It's easy. Oh, sorry, mate. Sorry that this thing I worked on for three years isn't exactly what you wanted. I was talking about the vulnerability.

I'd rather be, I don't want, because words, you're like, oh yeah, I've seen that word written down. Now spell it. Yeah, and it's designed, the best speller on any given episode, they've got a chance to win, but it's designed, the best spell are on any given episode. They've got a chance to win, but it's by no means guaranteed. Some rounds are straight down the line spelling. There's five rounds in an episode, but some rounds are just designed to irritate.

People like Hayley. Yeah. That's your name, right? Yes, thank you. You've got it. You've got it. Yeah, and it's, I mean, I don't know what it was like to do, but I got to design this thing where I basically got to get my friends

and colleagues on air. Which category am I in? It's not important. And sort of antagonise them in a family-friendly way. And one of the things about lots of comedians is how incredibly competitive they are. Yeah. And so I said to myself before I went on the show,

just be chill, just be cool, just be cool. It's not about winning. It's not about winning. It's not about losing. And then the moment you started throwing me curveballs, I was out. I was in. I was in for blood. Well, excited.

It's on tonight, the very first episode, TV3. 7.30. Hayley is spelling against Matt Heath, Josh Thompson, and Abby Howes. And I'm so excited. Thanks so much for having me on, guys. Oh, what a pleasure. A pleasure is all. Play Z much for having me on, guys. Oh, what a pleasure. A pleasure is all.

Play ZM's Fletch, Vaughn and Hayley. Now, we've talked about this multiple times, love languages. I know mine is physical touch and words of affirmation. Yours, Vaughn, acts of service, quality time. Fletch, you're receiving gifts and hand stuff. Hand, foot and mouth stuff. Hand, foot and mouth stuff. Hand, foot and mouth disease.

No, hand, foot and mouth stuff. I've just looked up the five love languages. I'm definitely quality time. Quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation, gifts, physical touch. Those are the five love languages. And we've said before, if you are gifts, you're a dirtbag. Yeah, if you're gifts, you're a piece of... I could never be with someone that their love language was gifts

because it's just not happening. Well, giving and receiving. I mean, people like doing little tokens, but I would prefer someone did an act of service for me. But mine is definitely physical touch and words of affirmation, as we well know. And experts have been looking into whether or not these love languages

are exclusive to romantic relationships or whether or not they would be helpful in platonic friendships. Okay. Now, I've been vocal about the fact that you guys don't touch me enough. Which is very unusual in a workplace for 2023, that somebody's problem is they're not being touched enough.

We need to remind you of the HR guidelines about touching. Jot it down. Jot it down. Jot that down in the journal. Well, according to experts, they say all relationships can benefit from exploring and understanding each other's love languages and friendships, no exception.

If we can know what makes our friends tick, what makes them happy, what makes them feel loved, and we're mindful of this when we communicate with them, then that friendship will be the healthiest version that it can be. So there's three tips

in terms of how you can translate your love languages into a more, a friendship. Okay. Number one, identify. Now we've done that. Identify your friends' love languages. Yeah. Okay. So we know that. When it comes to acts of service, Vaughn, do you like

receiving them as well? Do you mean to, I like giving them. Oh, both, both. Okay. But I like to, like, this is why the, me and my mates have been talking about for ages, doing working bees. Yeah, right. So we decide three dates throughout the year and each date is at a different person's house.

And when you arrive there, they're like, this is what we're doing. And you do a working bee because we've all decided that'd be so much fun. And I guess that kind of ticks the box of a platonic friendship that's an act of service. And you're showing love. Yeah, but you've kind of wanted us to come over and do all these chores. You were the one that wanted to come and play with the stump grinder.

Well, you said grinder and I've always wanted to get on the grinder. Yeah. Well, I've got an angle grinder as well. No, I'm not into those. It blows sparks. Oh, I'm into that. Yeah.

And the stump grinder blows dust. Oh, I just want to grind that stump of the tree that you're going to cut down. Yeah. Well, no, it's blowing itself down. Easy now. Yeah, right. So identify your friend's language and then mirror it. Right. So we might go, okay, we've all got different love languages,

but I will mirror it. So perhaps I could come over to your house and re-glaze your plates that are all chipped. It would just be cheaper to buy new plates. Yeah. But I'm not a gift. I don't want to give you a gift. I would love to watch you glaze because that's something I don't know how it works.

Because you'd have to pottery the little chip and then glaze the plate again. You could probably fill it with ramen. People are always filling things with ramen. Yeah, and you could hug me when you arrive at work in the morning. But that's what I was going to say. How does a physical touch love language translate between friends? So this is the next tip that they've given. Tweak it.

Tweak it for a friendship. The nipple. No, I don't need that. I'm not asking for much. Drop that down. That needs to go in the actual handbook. Can we drop that down, please?

Drop that down. Tweak it for a friendship setting because yes. But how do you tweak physical touch? Like a massage train. Maybe if we've taken some... If we've stumbled across

a little patch of mushrooms. We could have a little massage train But obviously the way in which I would desire Physical touch from Aaron is different to how I would like it from you Fletch But are you just saying You just hug your friends more Yeah or just touch them more

He gets what he wants out of us every day Quality time I know but we're being paid to be here. Yeah, but he's getting quality time. Oh my god, are you guys like, he's getting quality time out of us. When the songs are playing, we're either having an absolute dirtbag conversation or I'm shopping for tiles.

That's quality stuff. It's quality time. But yes, you have to tweak it, obviously, even physical touch. And I get acts of service because you're doing all the work. Yeah. But you're not getting anything from us in the physical touch department. I get acts of service because you're doing all the work. Yeah. Yes. But you're not getting anything from us in the physical touch department. I'm getting nothing.

We are famously dry. I get some words of affirmation by pulling teeth. And then the third one is recognising boundaries. So obviously I'm not going to force my physical touch on you because you have to jot that down in the HR log. Jot that down in the HR handbook. But it's about meeting halfway. Some people love hugging, some people don't.

So physical touch could be something, maybe it's not a full hug. Maybe it's a pat on the back to start. How far down the back is the pat going? I'm just going to jot that down. Not lower, upper. Shoulder. Small back?

Not in the small of the back. Not in the small of the back. No, no, no. Don't put a warm hand and hold it on the small of my back because you'd have to jot that down. You'd jot that down. You'd absolutely have to. Play ZM's Fletch for the nightly.

Play ZM. Hey, you on the phone, I bet I can guess your mum's name. Well, it's the first for 2023. I bet I can guess your mum's name. Vaughn will have five questions to ask today, Katie, about her mum. And if he can guess her name in 15 seconds, you win $100. Katie, good morning. Good morning.

What part of the country are you in? I'm in Wellington. In Wellington. How was the quake? It was pretty big, to be honest. Any damage? No, I think they had to do a few checks on our office, though, but heading in today, so it's all good.

Always what you want to hear when you're on your way to work in that office building built in the 60s. Yeah. Great era. Great era. Great era for structural building. Yeah, structural integrity. Structural Great era for structural building. Yes. Structural integrity. Structural.

Structural integrity. All right, Katie. Vaughan, you've got five questions. Did you forget my name there? He paused a bit too long, didn't he? He did pause a little bit. This fellow. You know it's long COVID.

You just forget some of your best friend's names. You had COVID so long ago. That's how long his COVID is. All forget some of your best friend's names. You had COVID so long ago. That's how long COVID is. All right. So I've found this notebook. I don't know what I've done with my bed. I can guess your mum's name notebook. So I borrowed somebody else's notebook.

Oh, that's not a good start. Because that was your lucky notebook last year. It was my lucky notebook. Wait, you're starting in the back. Well, no, because they're filled out the front. Who is it? I don't know. God, they've written a lot.

This is an old notebook. This hasn't been used for a while. I feel like I should rip out the front pages and claim this. Okay, well. All right. First question for you, Katie, about your mother. No, you can't play it like that. You can't just say her mum's name.

I'm going to put down Barbara. Okay. All right. Even pre the first question, you've got to put down a Karen. You'd be foolish. Even though you're Katie, Karen would. Would Karen call her Katie? Who knows?

What's mum's star sign? Choose a Sagittarius. Sagittarius. Oh, my God. Susan the Sag. Susan. She's a Sarah. Saggy Susan.

No, but let's not get. We're getting too caught up in the alliteration of that. She could be... Sagittarius traits. Go to other Sagittarius, go to other star signs to pull from there. Tracy Sharon. Her name's not going to be Aquarius. Oh, Sagittarius citizens are lovers of freedom.

I'm thinking a hippie. of freedom. I'm thinking a hippie. Freedom fighters. I'm thinking a... A vet. She might be... A vet. Sky. Rainbow.

No, no, no, no, no. You're being silly now. You're being very silly. You're being very silly. Rainbow. Anna. Stevie. The Aries.

Oh, yeah, like Stevie Nicks. Stevie. Yeah. What did you get Stevie from? From Sagittarius. A lover of freedom. Anna. Stevie. The Aries. Oh, yeah, like Stevie Nicks. Stevie. Yeah. What did you get Stevie from? From Sagittarius. A sort of lover of freedom, yeah. Stevie.

Stephanie. Stephanie, yeah. Stephanie. Have you got a Karen on the list? You've always got to put a Karen. A Sharon? I've got Karen second. Karen and Sharon.

I'm getting a lot of S's here, and I'm not getting a big S line. A big S attachment. Okay. You follow the spirit. Gemma line. A big S attachment. Okay. You follow the spirit. Gemma, the Gemini. Gina. Gina. Gina, Gemma. Yeah, okay.

Gina. Gina. I feel like you're not going mainstream mum enough, though. Gina. Some of these? Gina. Yeah, shove a pat on there. What's your next question?

Who's mum's best friend? Oh Sue Huh? Sue Sue Shiv I thought you said Shiv

Shiv Where would you get clarification? Sue See I've got a Suzanne here I'll sue your ass Yeah Susan okay Susan But that I mean you could Sue and Vivian Sue and Viv Sue. See, I've got a Suzanne here. It's an old Sue your ass. Yeah. Susan. Okay.

Susan. But then, I mean, you could... Sue and Vivian? Sue and Viv? Oh, yeah. But then also, she could be a Sue as well. Sue and Sue. I was on a bit of a V-roll from the...

Vicky. Vicky and Sue. Yeah. Because of the Virgo. The... Oh, yeah. I tapped into the star signs. We were getting on there with the Annihilaries.

Now, does my Katie have any children? Katie? This Katie? No, no, no, no, no. My Katie. Does she have any children? You're being Mike Hosking. I'm being Mike.

She does have children. Oh, yeah. What are their names? Oh, okay. You know what I mean? You're working in reverse. Yeah. Okay.

Because they're connected. I don't know. Oh. Put Mike Hosking on there. Mike Hosking. What about Michaela? Go for it. Nah, too young.

That's way too young. You're out of your goddamn mind. You're just wasting ink. You reckon I'm wasting ink and wasting time? Yeah, because you've only got 15 seconds. We haven't really. I feel like we just dabbed on Sue, but not really. Sue and Helen.

Helen, yep. Helen and Sue. Helen and Sue. Okay, what's mum's best mum quality? Say something nice about your mum. She's thoughtful. Thoughtful? She's thoughtful.

Thoughtful. That's a great mum quality. What's an example of her thoughtfulness? Just bonus question. Just a tangent on the question. She does my grandma's food shop. Oh, that's nice. Oh, that's so nice.

When she kind of has to, otherwise Gran will starve. Yeah. It's not her mum, though. It's my dad's mum. Oh, the mother-in-law. That's even better. You know, that can be a real nightmare. Because you love shopping Oh the mother-in-law That's even better You know that can be A real nightmare Because you love shopping

For your father-in-law Don't you Yeah he loves it You know I've not complained About it once Yeah Me No way man

You love it You love it No way man He's the man of the people You know what else I love doing What's that Paying for his lunch

Oh you love Yes you do Because he doesn't Have any Because he doesn't have any money He doesn't have any money So poor I am What a saintly man So your mum could be like me

Vornessa I already had Vanessa I already put Vanessa Okay right Okay Next question What's mum's favourite TV show? Actually she's really into SWAT on Netflix.

Oh! Actually, I love SWAT. That's a great show. They always, yeah. Carla. Do you know those things that they blow open the door with, though, Katie? They're just not even real. They're not real.

They're not real. They're a toy that just flashes lights, and then they must put an explosion behind it with movie effects. What's that show my mum loves on one? You watched it in... Happy Valley? Happy Valley. Oh, my God, Happy Valley.

Oh, they're into that. Happy Valley. The third season. Oh, my God, so good. That show's won a BAFTA every year. Third and final, eh? You were telling me she buys a Land Rover. She does.

That's why I said you might like it. No, I watched the first episode of the third season. I didn't even know what I was watching. I was just having a drink. And the TV was on. I was like, this is fantastic. No, I watched the first episode of the third season. I didn't even know what I was watching. I was just having a drink. And the TV was on. I was like, this is fantastic. Yeah, it's the matter of one. You've got to go back.

It's a great show. It's a great show. I'm going to go back to one. Yeah. Okay, last question. I'm going to put a Colleen on there. I'm going to put a Colleen. Okay.

I might go for Louise. I might go for a Colleen on there. Colleen. I'm going to put a Colleen. Okay. I might go for Louise. I might go for a Caroline. A Caroline. A Caroline. Did you put a Christine? Like your mum's a little Christine? Yeah. That put me on the C buzz.

And what's your mum's mobile network? And is she happy with her phone plan and could I possibly convince her to join whatever one I'm promoting? Possibly. She's a phodophone. She's a phodophone. Okay. What's her rural coverage like?

Oh, God. I don't know. When she visits Sue in the country, it's not so good. Sue lives in the country. Sue's in the country. Sue's in the country. We've got a bonus. Your rural Sue, she's got a rural friend.

Is that helping? Katie's mum is not rural. No, she's a city. She's travelled to the country. She's an urban Ursula. Do you have a Tracy down there? No, there'll be a full not to though. Put a Tracy down.

Put a Tracy. Tracy's coming out for... Tracy's coming out. Tracy's coming out. This is Sue to her husband. Tracy's coming out and he says, I'll make myself scarce.

Not that he doesn't. Yeah, but when Tracy and Sue get on the wines. Well, I was just thinking they get yakking. And he's just feel like he's going to be on the way and then he's going to excuse himself halfway through to go and take care of some jobs, but. Okay. Alright. Katie, Vaughn now has 15

seconds to try and guess your mum's name. If you hear your mum's name, yell out stop. That's my mum's name. Your time, Vaughn, starts now. Barbara, Karen, Susan, Sarah, Yvette, Anna, Stevie, Stephanie, Sharon, Gina, Gemma, Jenna, Vanessa, Viv, Vicky, Virginia, Molly,

Michaela, Helen. Stop. Which one? Virginia. Virginia? I knew it was a V. Virginia. The Virgo. Have you ever even had that name before? Virginia? I don't know. It was on my V names. Well done,

Vaughn E. See how I said her and I were very alike. Yeah, because of V. Her and I were very alike. Because of our... Yeah. Wow. Well, you've done it again. Big city Virginia. Bonus round.

While you're on the phone, I'll have a go at guessing your dad's name. You've won $100, Katie Bunt. A bonus $100 if Vaughan can, straight off the bat, guess your dad's name. Virginia and Steve. Virginia and Mark. Poor Virginia and poor. Virginia and Mark. Paul. Virginia and Paul. Virginia and Warren? No.

Virginia and Terry. I can feel it's one syllable. John. Ben. Pat. Pat. Virginia and Pat. He's old school.

Patty. Patty or Patty. All right, Vaughn, you have one guess at dad's name. Wayne. Paul. Virginia and Wayne. Pete. Pete.

It's not not Wayne. Ginny and Pete. Does your mum go by Ginny in my letter? No, I'm not allowed to ask her that. No. No, don't ask her name. Don't ask for any clues. Katie, you shut up too.

Vaughn, I am going to need an answer. Thank you, Bradley Walsh. You're going to say Paul? Yeah. Katie, what is your dad's name? John. Oh! I said John! You said John. I said John. The other beetle. The other beetle. It's always a beetle.

It's always a beetle. John and Ginny. Katie, well, congratulations. You don't go home empty-handed. Vaughn did guess your mum's name for the first time in 2023. You have won. I bet I can guess your mum's name. Amazing. Congratulations, Katie.

I love to Ginny. Yes, it's going to say pass. Does she go by Ginny? She does, yeah. She does. Ginny. Play. ZM's Fletch Vaughan and Hayley.

So Monopoly's got a new card And this isn't just like an in-house rule Or like someone's done a You know, an addition themselves This is official Monopoly So this is a card that you get like You've won $10 in a beauty competition Community chest

Which I feel $10 for winning a beauty competition Is a bit cheap these days Yeah, absolutely Pay me what I'm worth Give me $100, I'm hot Exactly So this is a bit cheap these days. Yeah, absolutely. Pay me what I'm worth. Give me $100. I'm hot. Exactly.

So this is a chance card. Am I $100? Sure, babe. This is a chance card. I don't know, man. Only $10. Only $10. $20? I think you should be grateful for $10.

Do they do cents in the Monopoly? $10.50 tops. We'll do $10.50. So this was actually introduced a while ago, but people are just realising it. Because most of us hoon our old Monopoly boards, right? Like you just have the same one you've always had. Yeah.

It's a chance card and it's called the Money Grab card. And you flip it over and it says, Money Grab, take all $100 bills from the bank and throw them in the air. All players have to race to catch them. Keep what you catch and put any bills that land back in the bank. I feel like you would need to move away from the monopoly board to do this. No, but the point is it's in the air.

Yeah, I know, but throw it in the air away from, because it's going to land all over the board and there'll be like a scramble of houses will move. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it'll just get mixed up with your money. So this is like one of those cash grab machines that you see, like a glass or a Perspex container,

and the money's all going around. When you watch it and you're like, man, that'll be easy. And then... But then imagine you're fighting over a hundy with your brother. You're going to tear it, try to rip it off him. Like multiple hundreds, everything that's in the bank. But then you imagine you're fighting over a hundy with your brother. You're going to tear it. Try to rip it off him. Bingo. Like multiple hundreds. Everything that's in the bank.

So if you were super struggling, right, suddenly you could get like $1,000 if you just went and got it all. Because would it all stick together and you just grab a wad? Yeah, if you were the bank director. Have you seen that video online of that parent who says to their kid, what you catch, you can keep? And he's got all this money, throws throws it and it sticks together as a wad and the kid just goes, and catches like 95% of the notes.

Wow. And he's just stoked. And the dad's just like, what have I done? What have I done? Also, what kind of a game is that to play with your kids? I just assumed the kid,

he assumed the kid was going to panic and not be able to catch any. Yeah. Right. And then the money would just. Yeah. And it'd be like. Disperse.

Oh, well, you're sure you can keep the $5 or whatever. I don't know that you should be chucking money at your kids. It feels off. Anyway. So people are going. I'm not playing this. Most people pull it out and put it back in the thing. Because imagine the fight.

As you say. Like your brothers across the board. Yeah. All like getting physical for this bloody. Getting in tears and broken money. Broken bones. Yeah. Ripped money. Yeah. All like getting physical for this bloody getting in tears and broken money, ripped money. Ripped money. Yeah. The board will be everywhere. Yeah.

The board always ends up anywhere. It really does. This is a bad idea, Monopoly. Also, I've just heard it's second place in a beauty contest. The card. Second place in the beauty contest is $10. I didn't even win. So that if you get, I got second place somebody else has the opportunity to say, well I

obviously won. And then there's a bit of light-hearted jeering. Yeah, yeah. And then another excuse to flip the board. Yeah. If you needed yet another excuse. If you needed another excuse already. Play ZM's Fletch, Vaughn and Hayley. Fact of the day, day,

day, day, day, day. Today's fact of the day, it takes us to Austria. Ever been to the Holstadt salt mines? I have been above them. Oh, you didn't go into the mines. I didn't go. No, they were shut. So can I go into the shut?

Because it was like really cold and wintry. But I've been to Holstadt. It's beautiful. It's this like kind of Queenstown-y like lake village. Gorge. It's gorge. And then you've got to take a cable car up to the salt mines. Oh, gorge.

Gorge. Gorge. Well, the salt mine that you were right above but never bothered to go into because it was shut. You were a wick of a toe. It was shut. It was shut. Why would they shut a mine when it gets cold?

Look, I don't know. Once you're underground. No, because there was like no tourists. It was like... He was lazy. He was hungover. I think it was like off-season. Yeah.

Off-peak. For some reason, sure. The salt mine at Hallstatt has been active since at least 5000 BC. Oh, wow. Through the Bronze Age, the Greeks, the Romans, the Middle Ages, and into the modern era. And all because people wanted salt. They found that this was a good place to get salt.

All over those years, they never ran out of this salt mine. Bloody huge salt mine. In 1734, an ancient corpse was discovered mummified in the salt. Ooh. Ooh. It was preserved flat and tightly grown into the rock. It fell. There was a mine.

Fell in. Yeah. Oh, right. No, no, the mine caved in. Oh, right. Of the salt, but then they discovered it. And would it have been preserved? Because that's how you-

Salt. Pretty preserved because it's pretty dry. Yeah. It was sort of brined. A dry brine. Oh, dry brine. Dry brine. They studied it.

Right. And since then, they've found more bodies in the salt mine. Some dating way back. Good thing this place was shut. It sounds absolutely treacherous. Oh, no. Well, they said, the biologists, if we can see these miners preserved like this,

you know, we get preserved mummies, but these are the wealthy people. These are the elite of society, and they don't reflect the general working class. The preserved miners will give us a better picture of diets and all sorts of things. Illnesses, etc. Yeah. So they studied the feces. Oh. Do they have still poops in them? They had some poops in them and there was other areas

that we used as toilets. Okay. I wouldn't shit where I was getting my salt from, but you know, that's maybe just a modern, that's my privilege, you know,

as a modern human. Yes. We're all living in the laps of modern humanity. you know, that's maybe just a modern, that's my privilege, you know, as a modern human. Yes. We're all living in the laps of modern humanity. You know, we didn't know not to poop where we were getting our salt from back in the Bronze Age, etc. So they studied the human paleofeces and they did in-depth microscopic, metagenomic and protonomic analysis. Yes. And found that the diet of the Holstadt miners in the Iron Age consisted of a lot of blue cheese and beer. Now that sounds like a good Friday night to me.

That sounds like a good Friday night. Add some pizza to that. Yeah. Or maybe the blue cheese was on like a pine nut salad. Oh, like a walnut pear. A walnut pear. Rocket. La, la, la. Bals nut salad. Oh, like a walnut pear. A walnut pear. Rocket. La, la, la.

Balsamic dressing. A bit of prosciutto. Prosciutto. Yeah, get that on there. Right. And some beer. Yum. Yum.

So they found that, yeah, these guys working in the salt mines loved a feed of blue cheese and beer. Wow. Blue cheese at the time They suspect Was the cheapest cheese The easiest to come by cheese Right Because you'd store it Probably in the salt mines Yes

And the mould would get through it But that was you know The charm of the blue cheese Wow The more mould the better Yeah Oh I wish I'd got to go Because it would have been like

Things It would have been like Here's some blue cheese boo I know you missed out I missed out You were right above it. I'm only whinging about the cold. Should we go down there?

I wasn't whinging about the cold. Not really. What am I going to see down there? But apparently a hell of a tourist attraction. Yeah, it is. The Holstead Salt Mines. So if you ever find yourself there, get on down and have a look. Yep.

And today's fact of the day is the Iron Age miners that worked in the Holstead Salt Mines enjoyed my Friday night diet of blue cheese and beers. Fact of the day, day, day, day, day. Yeah. Look at this flow chart. I'm trying to remember the story. I was like, I'll forget something. Look at that flow chart of things that went wrong.

That's flowing. Multiple stages. Lots of stages. Here's the story. Very good friend of mine. I haven't seen him for five years. Came back for our mate Johnny's wedding. That's nice.

Beautiful. He spent some time in New Zealand. He planned to go from here to Australia, spend some time with his sister, and then embark on the trip back to the UK. Okay. Now, when we were at the wedding on the weekend, he said,

well, I'll come back up to Auckland tomorrow and stay at your place for a couple of days before I fly out on Wednesday, early Wednesday morning. And I said at the time, and boy, I hope he's not listening because this might sound like a bit of a told you so, and it does not. I have not said that I told you so. I said, with this storm

and cyclone and stuff, would you be best just to try to get a direct flight from Wellington to Brisbane and skip Auckland altogether? Staying with your sister, it's not going to be a problem for her. Pick you up, get a couple of extra days there. I said, not that I don't want you to stay at ours. You are more than welcome.

Yeah. But there's a storm. There's a storm a-brewing, and it's going to be crazy. Yes, and at that stage, there were a lot of warnings that it was going to be quite a big storm. It was going to be crazy. And they were not wrong. So we landed back in Auckland at 5 o'clock.

On Sunday. On Sunday. And he then messaged me and said, I've changed my flight from Monday. We landed back in Auckland at five o'clock. On Sunday. On Sunday. And he then messaged me and said, I've changed my flight from Monday. I'm going to come to Auckland Sunday now. I'm going to get the last flight. It was literally the last flight before it landed.

And then New Zealand were like, we're out. Yeah. The storm's coming. Yeah. So we stayed at our house. Then on Tuesday, when the storm had started to die down a little bit in Auckland, and I understand that was when it really started to affect other parts of the country.

Shush, Siri. She had dictated my entire conversation today that we've had so far. She's a pervert. She's a ridiculous woman. So it had started to die down, and I said, surely Wednesday morning, very early flight, you'll be out of here. He gets a message on Tuesday night saying your flight's cancelled because the plane never got in. Oh, yeah.

So there's no plane to take you out. Yeah. Now, it's an Air New Zealand flight from Auckland to Brisbane. Yeah. However, it was a British Airlines flight, technically, because he booked the whole leg through British Airlines. Right. So he rang Air New Zealand and they said, you don't exist to us.

You're not our problem right now. They wouldn't even answer their phone. He was chat botting. Oh, okay. But then he got an actual person on the chat and they're like, you don't exist to us. Yeah.

Because you booked it through British Airways. Yeah. So then he gets on the blow to British Airways. Yeah. And they're like, hello. Hello, mate. How are you?

He's like, not great, mate. And they have a bit of British back and forth. Yeah. I'm on the dog and bone. All right, Barney Rubble. Having a bit of Barney Rubble. All that British stuff. And then they say to him, technically now you don't exist to us.

Oh, God. Because you never got on the flight from Auckland to Brisbane, which wasn't, you'll remember, a British Airlines flight. It was an Air New Zealand flight. But they don't care. Yeah, they wasn't, you'll remember, a British Airlines flight. It was an Air New Zealand flight. A connector. But they don't care. Yeah, they don't care. Because British Airlines pick him up in Brisbane.

Right. And now that they've missed the flight, he doesn't exist for the next leg. Okay, you're right. Problem. Okay, problem. He said, if I can get there, which it hasn't left yet, and it won't, but it was all on a single booking. If I get there, can I just jump on in Brisbane?

Jump on. And they said, you'll have to go into the British Airlines airways office. And he said, where is that? And he said, we don't have any. What? So he's like, wait a minute. You're telling me to go to an office, but no office exists. Yeah.

And they're like, I guess I can see your point there. Sir, you may be onto something here. Then I say, we go out for lunch. He's very stressed. Of course, I would be too something here. Then I say to him, we go out for lunch. He's very stressed. Of course, I would be too. I was like, relax. And on the drive back, I said to him, we went to Yumcha. Yeah, beautiful.

That's very de-stressing. Very de-stressing. Because you just pick it off the trolley as it goes past. Yeah. And it's a... And I'm on the drive home. I said to him, is there another flight on another airline that can get you to Brisbane? And he said, that's a great idea.

So he went on one of those booking websites that checks all the airlines. And he said, what's the date today? Wednesday the 15th? I said, yes, Wednesday the 15th. He's like, holy shit, there's one leaving in three hours. So we've got an hour to get home, grab all this stuff, and get to the airport so we can do the two-hour check-in thing. Grab everything.

Fly home. Does he have check-in bags? Yep, he's got bags. Which is not shutting. Like 90 kgs of man is like stomp, stomp, stomp on top of his thing, and we managed to get it shut. Get in the car, drive it. I'm like, why don't you check in online?

Because then they might be a little bit more lenient. If you arrive a minute afterwards, you're checked checked online and you can do a late bag check. Maybe. Given the chaos at the airport, they might be understanding. Yeah. He's like, great. What goes to checking online? He's like, I can't check in online.

What month is it? And he had booked for the 15th of March. No. But all he had seen was Wednesday the 15th. Because you know how March, you might not know this. I'm a February baby, so I know the day of the week my birthday's on is always the same day of the week

as my mum's and my daughter's. We're all this year, Monday, Monday, Monday. Yeah. So Wednesday the 15th is the same in February as it is in March. Yeah. And he's like,

oh my God. So he's straight on the phone to the place he booked it from. I said, I'll turn around and go home. So we turn around. Oh my God, I hate this. We're well over half the way to the place he booked it from. I said, I'll turn around and go home. So we turn around. Oh, my God, I hate this. We're well over half the way to the airport by this stage.

Oh, my God. Turn around, traffic's so bad, we start weaving through suburbia. Oh, my God. To get back. I'm like, no, I'm driving. He's like, okay, yeah, fine. Thank you. Bye.

And he's like, I've got a refund minus a 100-pound admin fee. 200 bucks. 200 bucks. So we're driving and I said, are there any other flights leaving this afternoon? We're in standstill traffic. I pull up Auckland International Airport departures. Yeah. There are three flights going to Brisbane. One's a code share and one, and then there's one just after midnight.

So then he said, he said, take me back to the airport. I'll just go in and I'll try to get on standby. Just pause. Is this yesterday? This is yesterday. Isn't this your wife's birthday? This is my wife's birthday. And you're not there.

She took herself off to a spa. Okay, good, good, good, good. This is all happening while she is in the pleasant throes of a 90-minute facial. Gorgeous. Okay, good. She came out going, you're more beautiful than ever. Yeah. Soorgeous. Okay, good. She came out going more beautiful than ever. Yeah.

So then he said, take me back to the, I said, I'll take you back to the airport if you want. He said, take me back to the airport. I'll try to get on standby.

We turn around again. Yeah. Go get to the airport. Big hugs. Love you, mate. Best of luck. He then goes into the airport and there are,

he counted them, 58 people in the line trying to get on standby flights to Brisbane. Oh, wow. At the check-in. And all those flights that I said were leaving were not leaving because, again, the planes never got in. Okay. They then say to him, we'll cancel all of your flights

and give you a refund. British Airways on the flight said, we'll cancel all your flights and give you a refund. Not nearly enough to get you home, but enough to make you no longer any of our problemways on the flight. He said, we'll cancel all your flights and give you a refund. Not nearly enough to get you home, but enough to make you no longer any of our problem. Goodbye, sir.

To which he said, fine. Then he starts the journey of how am I getting home now? Forget Brisbane. It's not happening. Goodbye, sister. I need to get to London.

I need to get to London as soon as possible. Finds a flight from Auckland to Wellington, Wellington to San Francisco, San Francisco, New York, New York, London. Oh, I hate that.

I hate this so much. And he's like, I'm fine. Like, at least it's locked in. I've got the night in Wellington. I know people. I'll be fine. Then somehow he checks his bag in at the international airport, even though his flight to Wellington leaves from the domestic airport.

Right. So then he's walking to the domestic airport. He's like, should I have checked? Goes back and they're like, I don't know, mate. Your bag's gone. He's like, well, where's it gone? No, he shouldn't have checked into the international. He wasn't thinking.

He was at the check-in thing. He was talking to the person and they took care of it. And then he was just like, put the bag on, watch the go. And then he was walking. He's like, you're going on a domestic flight. And he's going to Wellington for the night. He's like, where is it going? He went back and he's like, where is it going? And they he was walking. He's like, how did that even go? And he's going to Wellington for the night. He's like, where is it going?

He went back and he's like, where is it going? And they're like, I don't know. You shouldn't have even been able to get it onto the conveyor belt. And he's like, shucks, shivers. So then he's like, well, bugger it. I'll get on the flight to Wellington. If it shows up, it shows up. If not, I'll claim insurance.

Gets on a flight to Wellington. Can't land because Wellington's had an earthquake. He's cursed. Circling Wellington, waiting. I think they need to run like a check to make sure last night's Wellington earthquake didn't put a big jut in the runway that a plane's going to hit.

He's got no bag, right? He didn't find the bag. No bag. He's gone. No bag. Carry on. No bag. Can't land because of an earthquake.

Finally lands. Yeah. Goes to somebody's house that he knows. Yeah. At five o'clock this morning, he messages me saying, what do I do about this? That room that he's staying in

is just water streaming down the inside of the window. I was like, is it raining? He's like, it stopped raining a while ago. I'm like, where is the water coming from? He's like, I don't know. So he's got no bag. No bag. No stuff.

No stuff. Where's his bag? I still don't know. So he's got no bag. No bag. No staff. No staff. Where's his bag? I still don't know. MIA. Missing in action. This poor man has to go to like America. And now he's on his, today on the way to San Francisco. No bag.

No bag. To stub off San Francisco. Probably get an earthquake there too. Yeah, probably. This man is cursed. This is the same man that shook Marty Guptill's hand and then for like the next eight games

Marty Guptill got no runs in the New Zealand cricket team. He's cursed. He's cursed. He's cursed. Wait, you hugged him. I hugged him. Oh no, Vaughan.

Stay away from us. Stay away from us. It's like a plague. Take it. Take it. I don't want it. Take the bag. Great work, guys.

10 out of 10 if I say so myself. I'll do a 9.6. Is that enough for you to review this podcast with a high rating and then tell all your friends? You sound very insincere. ZM's Fletch, Vaughan and Hayley.