ZM's Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley - Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley Podcast - 17th August 2022

Episode Date: August 16, 2022

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The ZM Podcast Network. In the middle of the night, I'm wide awake, I crave your face. Hello, welcome to the Fletch, Vaughan and Hayley podcast. It's thanks to McCafe. Download the McDonald's app and earn rewards on your coffee. Well, it's only Wednesday and we're already planning ahead for the weekend because Fletch is coming over to my house for the first time. Vaughan's already been. Well, yeah, because I want to see

Because you're about to do major renovations And I need to In my head I need to have the before See the before of course And so that when I come around after I can be wow Yeah

Because I love a reno The only thing is that I've been really busy this week And I keep coming home And Aaron's like packing up the house So you're going to come over And you're going to be like There's no chairs I'm going to be like you guys are very minimalist yeah

we're not we're maximalist yeah he's wrapping them I told you they I was like you've packed up all the glasses right he was like yeah I was like we've got friends coming over this weekend what are they gonna drink out of so I think he got some mugs out of the box mugs oh god bring some solo maybe I'll bring my solo you'll bring some solo cups. Maybe I'll bring my solo. You'll bring some solo cups. Yeah, some solo cups would be good. Where is it all going? We're going to put it in our garage and we've got a storage unit as well

just because the floor's coming up. So it's all going to go. Yeah, yeah. You've got to get everything out. Right. You've got to get everything out. But you only just moved in. Now you've got to,

technically you're moving out again. I know, I know. But Fletch said this morning, he was like, what should we bring this weekend? Just ourselves I'm a fucking mate of mine No I didn't

I didn't say Are we bringing drinks Or are we just like what? No you've Which is like walking into your house With Marty Birdson And being like Are shoes okay?

You put the onus on the person To be rude No the reason I say that You've taken me all wrong here Is that if I need to bring anything, I want to bring it to work to give to you to take home. This is not a catered event, you know? Yeah, but if there are like bottles of booze, I'm going to give them to you midweek, you take them home, and then I don't have to worry about that on Saturday if I'm around town having a lunch before. Every day, oh, you're going to turn up drunk already, aren't you? So every day I'm going to be walking out of this

office carrying multiple bottles of booze. Yeah, absolutely. So that you don't have to take it on Saturday. Alright, well you can do that. Well, I'm just a planner. I'm a planner. I'm a thinker. A headerer. I'm doing a platter. Any requests for the platter?

Are you doing a charcuterie? I'm going to do a charcut requests for the platter? Um... Are you doing a charcuterie? I'm going to do a charcuterie board. Okay. Yeah, I thought that was the best way to go forward, you know? Do we all love a charcuterie board? Because sometimes the chocolate's quite on top of the meat, isn't it? No, it's got to be... The chocolate? Oh no, you've got to have a full-blown platter.

Well no, some people don't do a divider and they really overlap some foods that I don't think should overlap. No, you've got to do some kind of like leaf divider or a cracker divider. Right. Between the sweet and the savory. Right, because I don't want to say your wife did this, but I'm pretty sure she put some dark chocolate on top of some salami. No, I think that that would have been an incident where someone maybe aggressively removed something and it dragged the meat to the chocolate or the chocolate to the meat.

Also, speaking of being in each other's houses, remember how embarrassing it was when we went around to Vaughan's and Sade served us cracked plates? Chipped plates. We've had chipped plates for so long. Chipped plates. I'm not throwing those plates out. I just couldn't believe it.

She was so embarrassed and we were just like absolutely reaming her for it because we knew she was embarrassed by it. I don't know what brand this is. Uncore is an encore. My plate's got a bit of a crack in it, Sharda. She was mortified. Yeah, no, and then she was so nervous about it, she drank too much.

Oh, great. So you had to deal with that. Don't taunt the woman for her plates. The plates are absolutely fine. They do the job. Well, she's coming over to my house. Oh, no, she's been around before, hasn't she? No, great. So you had to deal with that. Just don't taunt the woman for her plates. The plates are absolutely fine. They do the job. Well, she's coming over to my house with a... Oh, no, she's been around before, hasn't she? No, no.

She's coming around for the first time and I'm going to serve her cheap wine and a bloody soul cup and shit charcuterie. I mean, if you needed convincing of climate change, yeah. Oh my God, I got out in the car this morning. I'm wearing like a light shirt with nothing underneath. Yeah, I know. 17 degrees on my car thermometer.

It was crazy. What are the temperatures around the country at the moment? Yeah, the highest is Whangarei, 16.8. So I think your gauge might be off by a degree. Oh no, it's a microclimate. Most of the North Island this morning is anywhere between 12 and 17 degrees. Windy and warm. Warm wind and an insane amount of rain predicted for the Upper South and the West Coast.

Even, I tell you what, Bev and John need to batten down the hatches because Taranaki is apparently going to get washed away as well. Heavy rain. One of you would have heard Sam mention a red warning, which is like as big as it gets. As rainy as it gets. As rainy as it gets. Yeah, not great.

Is this like, because it's raining so much, is this the case when we say the farmers will be happy? No, no, no, no. The farmers are miserable. The farmers are like, stop, stop, stop the raining. Or there's no pleasing them.

No, no, no. There's certainly no pleasing farmers. Absolutely. The farmers are like, stop, stop, stop the raining. Or there's no pleasing them. No, no, no. There's certainly no pleasing farmers. Absolutely. With the weather, that has to be in a sort of a temperature-controlled, rain-controlled, glasshouse situation to get exactly what they want from the weather. But it is insanely, insanely wet out there. Take care out there this morning on the roads, especially on the West Coast. Yes.

Be very careful. A lot of rain expected. Insanely wet out there. Tank here out there this morning on the roads, especially on the West Coast. Yes. Be very careful. A lot of rain expected. Coming up on the show this morning. Don't want to say I was a hero, but I was yesterday. I helped a damsel in distress. What a gentleman. Yeah, bit of a gentleman.

Okay. Probably words getting around. Yep. The top six coming up as well. Yeah. The top six things you can eat if you've got a problem with Whittaker's having a little today-o

on the front of a block of creamy milk chocolate. Yeah. I saw this outrage online yesterday. People never fail to disappoint me. Yes. And it was one of my top five reasons last night

when I was trying to convince my wife we need to move to the middle of the bush. So yeah, I've got the top six things they can eat instead. Right. Okay. Also coming up, House of the Dragon. Eight o'clock this morning, your chance to win cash with our little cash game.

It's got a dodge of fire breathing dragons to win that. Next on the show. We want to talk about handwriting. Hope you've got your pen licenses. Well, Vaughan doesn't. Vaughan's got terrible. Have you seen Vaughan's handwriting ever? I can't remember it off the top of my dome. Terrible. If I concentrate and take my

time, I've got nice printing, but I can't do it in a hurry. You're a scrawler. Yeah, definitely. I'm a doctor. I've got doctor's handwriting. Well, what does it're a jaggedy as well. I'm a doctor. I've got doctor's handwriting. Well, what does it mean? What does it mean if you've got terrible handwriting? Play ZM's Fletchvorn and Hayley.

I feel like some of this information in this article from the NZ Herald does impact me in that we've been typing for so long now. I type everything. I basically don't handwrite much.

I'll do a little to-do list. Well, you do to-do lists on your lappy. And my phone. What would I write? Like an idea or a thought or something? In Anna's birthday card. I did write in Anna's birthday card. Did you like my handwriting?

It was beautiful. I've got really beautiful handwriting. Beautiful handwriting, yeah. Very cursive. Yeah. But I find now when I write, it does feel a bit odd. You know? Yeah.

I'm kind of like, oh, God, I've kind of forgotten how to do it. And, I mean, that's the case worldwide that we're forgetting how to write and write well. And handwriting globally is getting worse and worse to a point where a lot of it's illegible. Right. Illegible, yeah. Like a doctor's handwriting, like you mentioned, Vaughn.

Yeah, they're scrawly and quick, aren't they? Yeah. I went to a specialist yesterday and I was watching him do it and I don't understand. I don't even know how they can read it back. How do you decipher it? Yeah. It's like shapes.

It's like... Like shorthand. What's the Egyptians? Hieroglyphics. Hieroglyphics. That's what it looks like. Or wingdings. It looks just like wingdings.

It's wingdings. Well, apparently it's like affecting more things than we think, other than just having like shame handwriting and you're in a birthday card and you go, ooh, who wrote that? Yeah. It's a five-year-old writing? One is that we're less intelligent because our handwriting is so bad because if your handwriting is so bad,

you're more likely to hop on a keyboard and type it. And if you handwrite something, you're more likely to remember it and retain that information. Remember, like, exams in high school were all handwritten. Yeah. And you get that. I used to have for years this little, like, bump on my middle finger from gripping the pen too tight.

Do you do exams now on your laptop and then submit them? I don't know. Or do you have to write them out? So I've got very curly-whirly handwriting, and I used to always think with my exams, how will they know the spelling? Yeah, mine started out good, and then it would just fall to bits, right?

And you'd just go sloppy and just be like, just as you said, it'd look like hieroglyphics. Yeah. Another sort of area that it's impacting is evidence-taking, like evidence for courts and stuff, because people take notes, and then their handwriting is so bad that they're like,

what does this say? What's this detail? And they'll go, I don't know what that says. And so they're actually losing evidence. So we're getting dumber, and we're not retaining as much information. And criminals are getting off. And criminals are getting off. And criminals are getting off.

The criminals are free because of this bad handwriting. Right. Could you take some notes as evidence on your notepad on your phone? Yeah, I mean, that's hard. And you'll get arthritis in those thumbs. You know, you can do it on your phone, right, where you open up notes and you can click on, like, a handwriting button or something and you can scribble on the screen.

Oh, yeah. It did not work. Yeah, but how fast can you do that? You can do it really fast, but it's just... Not as fast as typing. Oh, no, I don't think so. But maybe if you're a boomer or whatever. Yeah.

No, look at that. I mean, you can't do it. Yeah, no, it's not... At least with me being a left-hander, though, it doesn't wipe off as soon as you... And you're not smudging the... Smudging the ink your finger are you yeah anyway get back you need to go back to the lines you remember the lines the dash line in the middle yeah for your lowercase and get your pencil and then upgrade to pen i think we're gonna go back to basics we're retraining we're retraining

okay you gotta do the flicks. I love an exercise book. I love a fresh exercise book. The first time you open it and you open it and you bend that thing back and you run your hand down the middle, that's a good feeling. I miss that. Maybe I'll start practicing my handwriting again. Get yourself a 1B5 today. A 1B5?

It wouldn't be a 1B5. No, it would be something else. It wouldn't be a 1B5. Yeah, it'd have a different number because they all mean different things. Yeah. But maybe a 1B5 would be good.'d have a different number because they all mean different things. Yeah. But maybe a 1B5 would be good. You don't need... What about some pads of refill?

Yeah, they're good. Handwriting. Do you ever have the ringlets? Does anyone have any refill? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, I got a couple of bits of refill you can borrow. Yeah. You lend someone some refill.

Here it is. It's a LBW. Oh, okay. It's a learn to write's a LBW. Oh, okay. It's a learn to write. $2.69 at the warehouse. Office Max, $2.43. Competitive out there. Yeah, it's a competitive market.

It's bloody competitive. Play ZM's Fletch, Vaughn and Hayley. Well, yesterday, after years and years of lobbying and a campaign, it is now illegal for people to knock on your door if you have a sticker or a sign that says no, like, door knockers or salespeople. Well, even your family, when they turn up, you can charge them. Well, I don't think they're trying to sell you anything. Oh, to sell you things. To sell, yeah. So it's a. Well, I don't think they're trying to sell you anything. Oh, to sell you things.

So it's a $30,000 fine. Shite. Yeah. So it's all part of the Fair Trading Act. So apparently you don't even need a sticker to benefit from these new consumer protections.

If you tell a seller to stay away from your house, they must do so for two years. So it's like effectively, I guess, like a no junk mail sign. Like a trespass. No one honors the no junk mail sign, do they? Because they're always being delivered by, I'm going to say it, rats. Hey, I did that.

So did I. Yeah. And I used to see it and be like, oh, yeah. No, but you get a fine. You get a fine. But then you can't complain to the like, oh, yeah. No, but you get a fine. You get a fine. But then, yeah, can't they complain to the... They can, yeah. So you could get a fine.

I don't know that at the time. Tell you what you can't get a fine for? Lighting them all on fire at the park. No, or burying them in a hole. Burying them in a hole? You don't want to leave evidence. My problem with burying is the middle ones take a long time to rot. Oh, yeah, yeah.

There'll be a few decamalas. Oh, yes. In mum and dad's backyard. I used to deliver the evening post in Eastbourne. You can't get away with burying newspapers because people pay. Because it was subscription. Yeah. Sometimes I would, there was like a loop that was up a hill. So it was like a

straight line and then a loop up a hill and then carry on the straight line and then I'd just skip the hill. I was like, I want to get to the pool, I'm bored. So I'd just like go out and... And how many people would you be missing out? Every now and then I'd get a complaint that'd say, did you deliver to number 17?

I'd be like, I don't know, maybe it was stolen. You know how people are stealing small community papers? Yeah, yeah, yeah, Eastbourne. You know how people walk to the very top of a hill to steal a newspaper? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeahbourne. You know how life with crime. You know how people walk to the very top of a hill to steal a newspaper? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, when they could have

stolen the one from the flat. A cul-de-sac hill. My friend used to deliver the paper in the afternoon after school. He used to scoot home from school and go and deliver the afternoon paper.

And there was this one old boy because he was always terrified of being late. And I was like, who cares? If you're getting a paper in the evening. There was a cut off. Yeah, there was a cut off. You had If you're getting a paper in the evening. There was a cut off.

Yeah. Yeah, there was a cut off. You had to deliver it by, I think, in the morning. Five o'clock or something. Yeah, and the morning was like before seven or six. Yeah, the morning stuff, that. That's ridiculous. But the evening paper seemed like the better gig.

But he was always scared. And then one day I was like, I'll go with you. And we were a little bit late. And this guy was like, where have you been with my paper, you bastard? And abused this. We were 13, 14 at the time. I'm like, ah! They didn't have the internet the same.

So how are they going to know about their news? They have to wait for 6 o'clock. Yeah. Oh my God, I remember that. Rushing and being like, shoot, it's really fine. But then what's the afternoon paper? They're rushing to read it so they can be like, I already know this when the 6 o'clock news comes on.

Yeah, I guess so. Yeah. Well, if you're'clock news comes on. Yeah, I guess so. Well, if you're sick of people knocking on your door, I don't know if this covers the religious people because technically they're selling you God, aren't they? They're selling you God. Jehovah, whoever he is. Who is Jehovah? And what is he witnessing?

You are witnessing him. You're the Jehovah's Witness. You're witnessing him. Doing, I don't know. You're the Jehovah's Witness. You're witnessing him. Doing what? I'm not sure. Well, I don't know where you get a sign from. I think you have to go to- Make your own.

Maybe Mitre 10 or Bunnings will start selling them, you know, with the no junk mail. Yes. They might have a known door knocking. I hung out a lot in the side aisle of the hardware store. Often overlooked. Oh, you know, I love the side aisle. Great aisle.

I always think I could use some of these signs one day. Yeah. Yeah. A little fire exit sign. Outside your apartment door. No circulars. Yeah, no circulars. Okay.

Yeah. You should put the fire exit sign on your apartment door so everyone thinks your apartment's a fire exit and then when there's a fire, they'll all be trying to get in. That's not how it works, Maud. That's really mean. Or put the fire exit sign on a cupboard so everybody runs in and it shuts behind them That's not how it works, Maud. That's really mean and seducing.

Or put the fire exit on a cupboard so everybody runs in and it shuts behind them and then they're in a cupboard. Put it on a window. Whee! Play ZM's Fletch, Vaughan and Hayley. Yesterday the girls had school cross-country, scooted from work to catch the cross-country.

There was a little bit of a downtime between their different years. Oh, yeah. So Indy ran first. Did well. Took a wrong turn. Classic. It's that from a real man.

Not listening when they're telling you where you have to run. Lost a couple of places there. How many Ks do they run? I think Indy's was two. Oh, God. And they're like 10 or something. Yeah. No, that's too far.

I can run 2K. I rock a 2K every now and then Yeah on the tready Yeah mate Or out on the footy Oh both Tready, footy, wherever you Yeah mate Wherever you need to

You can run You show me a ground I'll run on it You run on it Yeah And then so there was After she finished There was some time

Between August's I run August came third Again She's come third Every time she's had a cross-country race. Yeah, but didn't you threaten them? Yes, with a beating.

No. Don't embarrass your father. Because weren't they just going to be like, we can't be bothered? No, Andy said, well, I'm just going to walk the whole way. And I said, well, I'll take your devices off you. Like that. Oh, yeah. It was a bit of a...

It's a modern day. You don't call it a Mexican standoff anymore. No. But although a Mexican standoff not represented of Mexicans, the people, Mexico, the area. Yeah. So I think Mexican standoff is still alright.

Yeah, maybe. What about a Mexican wave? Yeah, because it's about the... Look, I don't know. Geographical... If you'd like to put yourself out there to be cancelled... Yeah, I think we're just

in dangerous waters right now. Anyway, we were in a standoff. Like cowboys. It's the modern day hiding though, taking the devices off your kids. Absolutely. I'd rather be smacked in the face. Do you want to hide it or do you want to lose your device? Give it to me, daddy.

Give it to me, daddy. Harder. So there was some downtime and I was just sitting on a barrier. I was sitting there and I was just, my wife was talking and I wasn't. I was just listening to her talk to people. You're a listener. I'm a listener. And then I got a hand on the shoulder.

Yeah. And it was like, might I borrow you for a moment? Like very formal. I thought I was being hailed to service for her royal majesty. Wow. You've been drafted. And I said, yeah, what do you need? Like very formal. I thought I was being hailed to service for her royal majesty. Wow. You can draft us. And I said, yeah, what do you need?

And this lovely lady said, I can't get the tyre. I've got a flat tyre and I can't get the wheel nuts unlocked. Right. Why didn't she ask you? Because you've got a beard. Look at me. Look at him. Jack.

Jack. I was sitting there in a swan dry. I looked like a lumberjack. Yeah, right. Okay. Yeah. So I was like, yeah, sure, I can give it a go. And on the walk there, she said, we put the brace on and we're jumping on it and it didn't move.

And I was like, oh, my God, I'm not going to do it. Jumping on it? Yeah. So like to get it loose, you know, the wheel brace, the tire iron, click it on the wheel nut and they were jumping on it. That's how tight the wheel nuts were. And on the walk there, I'm like, I'm not going to be able to do it. Yeah. Well, because that's a lot. But then I got there and, yeah, I got it off.

And I got to tell you, it felt pretty good. Yeah. Did they say something like, we loosen that? No. Because I always say that if I can't get a jar open. I'm like, I probably did the first bit. Yeah. Like, I helped definitely.

On a jar, you say the warmth of my hand expanded the metal. Yes, yes. Like, when you run it under a hot tap and tap it, and then you can open it. So you always claim that your hand warmed up the metal. Yeah. That's scientific. But, yeah, I got the first one off,

and her husband arrived, like, was kind of there-ish. He'd gone to get something, and I think he had it going, and he couldn't get them off. So he arrived back and had to watch another man loosen his wife's wheel nuts. Which I would find quite hot. What? Yes.

Is that what it was? Loosen your husband's nuts. It was his wife's nuts. The husband's... I don't know. But then they were very tight wheel nuts. I've never I've never struggled With a wheel nut as such

Why You can't over tighten it You'll Yeah I just get the Make them ball I get the ah ah to do it When I had a car

It's ah ah I had the ah ah Ah ah Roadside rescue thing It's beautiful I think it's I think it's Eh eh

Yeah Eh eh Or Ah ah And it's got a macron over the top No there's no macron It's just. I think it's multi-pronunciation. I think it's eh-eh. Eh-eh. And it's got a macron over the top. No, there's no macron. It's just ah. And if it does have a macron over the top. A roadside. No, if it had a macron, it would be ah. Yeah, well they've got

a machine and they do the nuts. They do a machine. Yeah. Oh man, have you ever played with one of those? No, but I love the sound of it. Same. Yeah. What's that thing where the cars go round and round and round and round and they've got that machine?

Motor racing. Yeah, that one. Formula One. Oh, yeah. And they've got one big one in the middle. Yeah, that's cool. Have you ever watched, like, there's competitions, like pit crew competitions of how fast they can get four tyres

off of a Formula One car and back on. So how long does it take them? Seconds. Oh wow. And then there was a V8 one of the V8, one of the supercar it was a Pukako Air or when they did it in Hamilton they had a thing where you could go and compete for how quickly you could change a tyre. Just your average

Joe could rock up and be like So on a Formula 1 car, you know, the little. Yeah. 1.82 seconds is the world record. To do the whole, all the nuts. But a normal pit stop typically takes two to three seconds. Yeah. Up, wheels off, fuel in, gone.

Because that fuel doesn't, it's not like when you bloody pull into bloody Z and you. You've got to click the thing. Yeah. And your thing can't go. It hums it't, it's not like when you bloody pull into bloody Z and you're going to click the thing. And your thing can't go. It hums it in. Why don't they have those at Z and all the other servos? We can't handle it I reckon. I don't know if your bloody Mazda or Altezza could handle it. Yeah.

I am aware I also just called a Toyota Altezza a Mazda Altezza for anybody who's got a car on that other thing. That's all right. Play ZM's Fletch, Vaughan and Hayley. Play ZM. From the panoramic ZM think tank, this is the top six. Hello there. Maori Language Week next week.

And as a special release, Whittakers have released Miraka Kirimi. It's a... Creamy milk. Creamy milk chocolate. It's just a different... Kirimi. Kirimi. It's just that the label is in Māori.

Yes. Correct. It's the same chocolate. It literally says 33% cocoa, K-O-K-O, which I'm... I mean, this is the other thing about it You can kind of work it out Yeah The Maori for cocoa

And then right beside it It says 33% cocoa Then it says Marika Kirimi And underneath it says Creamy milk So Ta-da

So It's like people consider The people with the problem with this Generally consider themselves So, ta-da. So. It's like people consider, the people with the problem with this generally consider themselves quite smart people. They consider themselves, I'm not saying they're smart, they consider themselves quite smart. Well-educated, they say. Yeah, but they can't work out what they're seeing. It's like when people complain about Māori place names on the weather.

Yeah. If you don't know that that's Hamilton, because I'm assuming if you're complaining about it, you watch the weather every night. If you've got a problem with it, that's on you for being dumb and not being able to work it out. Also the thing of how am I going to know?

What about learning? What about learning? They. What about learning? They're quite smart people, as previously stated. They consider themselves to be very smart people. So there has been some outrage. Oh, my God. Online comments. Just so disappointing.

That vocal minority. So I've got the top six things people who have a problem with today-o Whittakers can eat instead. Number six, my ass. It's very white. You guys are going to love it. Oh, they're going to love it. You guys are going to love it.

Is your ass kirimi? I've been told. I've been told it's very kirimi. Wow. As white as a glass of miraka, you could say. Yes. Wow.

Eat it. Number five on the list of the top six things people who have a problem with te reo Whittakers can eat instead. That gross Australian chocolate. Oh yeah.

That is the racist preferred chocolate. Yeah. That leaves up a film. They just don't know how to do chocolate.

They go too heavy on the oil and not the dairy. Yeah. Get that dairy in me. Number four on the list of the top six things people who have a problem

with today or Whittakers can eat instead. Well, actually, you better not eat any chocolate, actually, because chocolate

isn't an English word either at its origin. It's an Aztec word. Oh, God, you've shaken their very core. I know. Speaking of which,

if it's a language problem, most food names are English bastardizations of other languages names for food. I hate to break of which, if it's a language problem, most food names are English bastardisations of other languages' names for food. I hate to break this to you as you enjoy your morning croissant.

Oh, yeah. Un croissant. Un croissant. Oh, way, way. Yeah. Or next time you're about to eat some spaghetti bolognese.

Oh, white people love a spaghetti bolognese. They love a spaghetti bolognese. Oh, white people love a spaghetti bolognese. They love a spaghetti bolognese. They do. Number three on the list of the top six things people who have a problem with tereo-whittakers can eat instead. Carob.

Ha! That's not even real chocolate. That's chocolate for dogs and you're carrying on like a little bitch. Yuck, carob. Number two on the list of the top six things people who have a problem with today or Whittakers can eat instead. How about some fruit and veggies?

I had a look at some profile pictures of people who are whinging on the Facebook articles, and you look like you need some broccoli. Paler than a vampire and looking about as close to death. Have some fruit and veg. And number one on the list of the top six things people who have a problem

with today or Whitaker's can eat instead. The ones that are still printed in English. All of them. They're all printed in English. Even the one with today

I want it. Still has everything there written in English. Stop complaining about dumb shit. There's so much, the world is falling apart. And your problem is, multi-language week. Pull your heads out of your assholes.

That is today's Subsex. Play. ZDM's Fletchvorn and Hayley. That is today's Subsex. Wow, you may have heard that this year's New Zealand International Comedy Festival has been cancelled because of COVID. But I've had enough of comedy. You know what, I don't like to laugh. Who needs to laugh? Where's the drama festival?

The New Zealand Crying Festival still happening? Yeah, that's on. Shit, yeah, tickets are selling quick. That's been on for the last three years. New Zealand Crying Festival still happening? Yeah, that's on. Shit, yeah. Tickets are selling quick. That's been on for the last three years. New Zealand Crying Festival brought to you by... Kleenex. Yes. Obviously not Best Foods Mayonnaise.

That would be a stupid sponsorship. No, it's a happy sponsorship. It's a very happy sponsorship. Anyway, the Comedy Fest team have continued to put on some events like the big annual gala and, of course, the great comedy debate, the topic of debate, Love Will Save Us. I am the captain of the negative... Captain.

I-I-captain. The captain of the negative team and going up against me for the affirmative team, and I can't actually believe we're allowed in the same room together today, Yeah, wow. is Lana Walters. Welcome. Hello, Hayley, my arch nemesis. Don't look at me.

Don't talk to me. You don't know anything. So this is tonight and you can get tickets to go along and watch this. It will be I think televised at a later date. It will be. It's going to be on 3 at a later date but it is happening tonight. The comedy debate. I say forget the debate. Let's just

brawl. Let fisties? Yeah, get a cage. Cage match. You've gone rogue since you became a mother. I don't know. Look. My God. So I'm the captain of the we think love will not save us.

Madness. On the negative team. What are you talking about? That must be tough for you. And on my team is Angela Dravid and Josh Thompson. On your team, you're Captain Ben Hurley. Yes. At the helm.

Big love guy. Yeah, I was going to say, I know Ben. Doesn't strike me as a big love, saves all guy. Yeah, they're going to be absolutely floundering in the water, mate. And David Correos and yourself. Yes. Affirmative. Absolutely.

So Correos is going to bring the strange. Yep, no doubt. Look, as long as he keeps his clothes on, it can be on TV. So we will, to be totally transparent, we didn't get to choose our teams in terms of whether or not we believe this, but luckily for me, I fiercely believe love won't save us. Do you feel the same, Lana, about love will save us?

What else could save us? What else could save us? Nothing else could save us. Antibiotics. Radiation. Yeah, I mean, as bad as antibiotics are coming with antibiotic-resistant bacteria, love never stood a chance against bacteria. In fact, love spreads bacteria. Look, haven't you seen Patch Adams' Laughter and Love?

His heart was shocked by a madman, Lana. Please don't use the Patch Adams defence for love and laughter. I hate to say it. We've only got a few hours till this debate happens, Lana. Your argument's feeling pretty weak. Yeah, whatever did happen to Robin Williams? Jesus, Lana, I'm picking holes in this and I've done zero prep. Zero prep, Lana.

She's doing a quick rewrite. She wants to switch tapes. I think she wants to switch teams. No, I love love. I know you love love too. I love love, but I don't think it'll save us. Come on. Look, it's started already.

It's started. I love this. It's started already. I think it's going to get pretty fierce. If you want to get physical, we can get physical. Yeah. Get some KY. No, no, no. It's a different show.

I think that's the show that's after. After hours. Yeah, exactly, exactly. Well, I did this last year. It's a lot of fun. I never debated at high school or anything. Did you? Absolutely.

I nailed it. I had this tried and true strategy where I would use song lyrics and just speak song lyrics. Shut up. You are ruining my... Every time. I would win every school speech, every debate,

just because I would speak song lyrics. Yeah, but if you go song lyrics, Whitney Houston, I Will Always Love You, She's Dead. Okay. Easy to pick holes, a lot of them are. You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah. But Bodyguard, what a movie. Yeah, but what a movie. Okay, she's got some points. And originally written by Dolly Parton, Alive and Kicking. So there's one for Lana.. And originally written by Dolly Parton, alive and kicking. So there's one for Lana. Love Dolly.

Love Dolly. All right, one for Lana. Okay, well, a great comedy debate happening tonight. Happening tonight. You can get tickets. It's at Kew Theatre in Auckland. You can get tickets, comedyfestival.co.nz. Watch me absolutely kick Lana Walters' ass.

No, please be kind. No, I'm going to beat you. Lana, thanks so much for joining us. Thank you for having me. And love is all you need. It's not. Play ZM's Fletch, Vaughn and Hayley. Funerals suck.

You know, like they're not nice things to go to at the best of times. No. Let alone when there is somewhat of a disaster, which is the case for a... They get organised so quickly. Yeah, I know. That always blew my mind. It's like, oh, they're dead.

Sunday, funeral on Tuesday. Yeah. You're like, what? Funeral directors just must be like, let's go. Oh, yeah. Well, they deal with that every day, don't they? That would be a great thing.

You call up your funeral director and they're like, all right, let's go. Let's go. Probably wouldn't give you great. No. I've just lost my mother. Yeah, she, you know. How's Tuesday sound?

She was pretty painful for the family at the end. Yeah. But mum's finally found some, you know, an escape from the pain. All right, let's go. All right, let's go. Let's get her in the ground. Let's go. Let's send this bee off. Oh, she's not getting buried. She's getting cremated. ground. Let's go. Let's send this bee off.

Oh, she's not getting buried. She's getting cremated. Okay. Let the flames. Let's get it warmed up. Okay, let's go. This is why you two will not be funeral directors. I think we'd make a wonderful funeral director team.

I think we'd lighten the mood. You'd put the fun back into funerals. Funeral, yeah. Well, an Adelaide family had a very distressing experience. The woman, her mother died. Yeah. Very sad. And so, Lashko, they planned this funeral.

It was all ready to go. The guests were arriving and they just said, Diane, would you like to just see your mother one last time before we put the lid on? Yes, please. Okay. And then she goes, Lashko.

Yeah, he goes, follow me, Lashko. Yeah. Takes her into the other room and then lifts the lid. Not my mum. That is not my mother. Oh, wow. Imagine if it wasn't even a mum. Imagine if it was a dad

Or was it someone else's mum So it was someone else's mum It was a woman around about the same age It was not her mother Margaret It was not her mum And then she said to the guy That's not my mum Dash not my mum

You know And he said Dash not my mama Your mama Is this your mama Dash not my mama And then He said yes it is Dash not my mama. Yo mama. Is this yo mama? Dash not my mama. And then he said, yes, it is.

He goes, that's Margaret. Look, she's tagged, Margaret. And then the woman. They tagged her. God, I don't know. There was a bit of a lish going, Bloom. Did Bloom write Bloom on it? No, it's a cow.

Pogo. Pogo and Christchurch. Spray paint the top of their head like sheep. Marg. Anyway, so she said, that's not my mum. And she had to bring up her phone and bring up the most recent photo. She zoomed in and held it next to this poor dead woman's face and said, that's not my mum.

Well, see, like, it's her daughter. Like, if she says that's not my mum. So apparently all through this, this particular funeral director has behaved poorly. And the company has apologized profusely. Right. So then the next mix-up. So that's terrible, right? You're going, people are here. We're ready to mourn.

That's not my mum. And then the funeral director said, well, everyone's here. We're just going to have to go ahead with the funeral. Yeah, right. So they go ahead with this funeral. But in the box is not the person they're saying goodbye to. It's not the person that they are mourning. It is some other random woman who potentially is called Margaret.

We don't know. The woman, the daughter, Diane, is like, it was just awful because she wasn't listening to anything. It didn't feel right. They were saying all these things and sort of, you know, when people give speeches and they sort of look at the coffin and refer to them. That's not my mum, basically. And at the end, she said the only thing she could do was make the worst of a best situation. So she just sat there the whole time wishing the woman in the box well

on her journey into the next life. But did they ever find mum? Yeah, they found mum, but then they just had to chuck her in a hole, basically, because the funeral was done. So... Well, you can't redo it again though, can you? You can't redo it again

and they didn't want to let everyone else know. The people attending the funeral, they're allowed to mourn. And they just thought it was her in the box. It was a closed box. It was just the door to that. That's why at my papa's funeral, I said to my dad,

I was like, how do we know he's in there? Dad's like, I saw he's in there. Yeah. Because some have an open casket, which is a bit, yeah, I don't want to see. It's full of noise, eh? You don't want to see that at a funeral.

Yeah. I've never been to an open casket funeral. No. My first one was my nana because she's Maori. So we did the whole at the house, couple of nights. Tongue in the house. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In the lounge, right?

On like a table. Yeah, I slept next to her. It's full on. Yeah, that is. It In the lounge, right? On like a table. Yeah, I slept next to her. It's fun. Yeah, that is. It's a lot. But actually, the serious question is the embalming and stuff done before the part of the house?

Well, typically, well, I mean like traditionally, I mean, you wouldn't embalm. So you just kind of get it moving. Do you need to put like a lavender glade plug in on? Yeah, yeah. And maybe a couple of ice packs under Nana's shoulders. But she was embalmed.

You'd have to have a damper. She's modern Maori. You know, she was embalmed. All right, okay. And then, but, so this is what we want to talk about is your funeral disasters. Because then later on at my Nana's funeral, you know, you drive from her house. She had a church funeral and then a marae funeral. And at the marae, as they were lowering her down into the hole,

the guy had a cell phone in his shirt pocket and it was like the old pulley rope system and he went like that with Nana. She was a heavy bird. The phone fell in the hole. Under the coffin. Under the coffin. So this dude,

who, you know, some cousin who I've never met in my life, he's like, oh shit. And then he hands the rope to some other guy on the side and he just jumps in and gets her. Under the coffin. Yeah.

I mean, you couldn't leave it there, could you? You couldn't reach. They're famously six foot deep. I know, but my mum, who was, you know, distraught. This is her mother going into the ground. My mum said, it would be quite nice if we could ring her. I always like that sort of stuff

at funerals. You've got to laugh, don't you? You've got to laugh. Talk about tapu. He got in the hole. Is that... I don't know. It felt like it. It does feel bad. But this is what we want to hear. Your funeral disasters. Yeah, when was there a whoopsie at a funeral?

And maybe you can look back now and laugh, but at the time it was horrifying. But it is because of the tension and the seriousness and the gravity of funerals. It's ripe for comedy. The minute someone wants to do a multimedia presentation you're just leaving yourself open to

so many whoopsie daisies. Like actually. Yeah. Alright, so 0800 DALSATM is the number. Give us a call. Text as well, 9696. Tell us your funeral disasters. It's about damn time. Play ZM's Fletchford and Hayley.

Play ZM. There's been a funeral mix-up in Adelaide. Yeah, the biggest mix-up you can think of. They got the wrong body in the wrong box. They're sending off bloody Susan from up the road and they wanted to say goodbye to Margaret. So we want to know when there's been a whoopsie at a funeral. We've had some messages in. I mean, look, funerals are very sad. Death is very sad. A hundred percent. But it just is funny as well.

And we want those light-hearted moments, you know, where something funny happened. Maybe at the time it wasn't funny, but you look back now and you think, I'd love my funeral to be just an absolute slapstick of comedy. Yes. The whole way through. Roll out. Handle falls off.

Yes. So all the weight goes onto, like, the other side. Bang down. Funeral open. Me roll off. Yes. So all the weight goes onto like the other side. Bang down. Funeral open. Me roll out. Yep. Everyone's trying to put me back in.

Yep. Great. My pants have come down. Your pants have come down. Deal with it. Your little willy's hanging out. Everyone's like, oh. Oh, maybe not that part. I don't need to be humiliated.

How funny do we want to go? How far do we want to take this? Somebody said, we just buried Pop on Monday. R.I.P. Sorry to hear about your loss. But he's currently sitting... He's currently sitting at a 90 degree angle because the coffin got caught on a temporary metal barrier thing, stopping the hole caving in.

So it went up on its side. So now he's lying on his side looking directly at Nana. But that's how you, but Nana would have constantly been rolling him onto his side because he was a snorer. Every old boy is. Just the image. But yeah, he's on his side now. Wow. Oh, pop.

Yeah, somebody said I was at a funeral, I was asked to read a passage. I said, yeah, I was asked to read A passage I said yeah I can do that And then on the day I got given the passage Very religious passage And I'm atheist

At best And I just could not Stop like laughing And people thought I was crying So people came up And supported me But I was laughing

Because it was So ridiculous for me To read I'm an emotional Kind of person This is a message From Kim And I get like this read. I'm an emotional kind of person. This is a message from Kim. And I get like this too, Kim. I'm overwhelmed with emotion at funerals.

You're either laughing or you're crying. There's no sitting there in the middle. She said, I'm a very emotional person at funerals. At the funeral of my husband's great uncle. So, her husband. Would you even meet your I wouldn't even go

You'd never even meet your partner's great uncle What's your great uncle? Your grandparents brother Your grandparents brother or sister I wouldn't even go to that funeral Neither would I I'll go to my great auntie Pat Because I've got a lot of time for auntie Pat

Yeah I've got one great uncle and auntie That I would give the time of day But then you go there And I'm imagining your partner hasn't met them. They certainly didn't, like, grow up with them. No. At the funeral of my husband's great uncle, I lost my mind. I bawled so much. His widow actually left her seat and came over to comfort me.

It's not all about you, Kim. She said, it's all right, we all miss him. She probably never met him. No, it's not all about you, Kim. She said, it's all right, we all miss him. She probably never met him. No, it's just wildly overwhelmed. Somebody said, Hayley, you mentioned your nana's tangi. It's not a real Maori tangi until auntie catches you and your cousin in the mattress room at the marae when you're supposed to be.

What? And then they laugh face to laugh face, speaking from experience. Hey, look. Hey, look. Wow. I attended my uncle's funeral when we got to the cemetery. They dug the wrong hole.

Oh. Because he was supposed to be buried next to his wife, but they dug it one over, so there was this... But you know what? They probably need some space after all this is. Yeah. Fiona, this was your dad's funeral. Yes, my dad's funeral,

which from beginning to end was a series of unfortunate events and near on a hurricane virtually. Right. But my dad was a very eccentric man and he died kind of an eccentric death and then a number of my brothers needed to keep the budget on a bit of a funeral. So we figured out what you have to have,

what you don't have to have and what you can do yourself. And you can make your own coffin, which is relatively common. Okay. I've seen people do this. You can go yourself. And you can make your own coffin, which is relatively common. Okay. I've seen people do this. You can go and actually, when you retire, you can go and do a workshop where you make your own coffin.

Oh, God, that's morbid. No, it's good. It is. Crafting. I love it. So it was a nice functional coffin, and my sister-in-law lined it, so, you know, dad sat in there quite comfortably and we put him on the back of the ute in the in the coffin and off we went to the to the grave

and the pouring rain and the gale conditions yeah and we were stoked our umbrellas were inside out it was as you would imagine horrible um he'd had had a little bit of a fight with the horses so we were playing Kenny Rogers the Gambler on the way to the spot. What a send off! I'm sure Dad wouldn't be that stoked about but anyway we went with that one and so we had this

slightly unusual funeral in every way and then it came time to lower the coffin down into the hole that the councillor dug for us because we weren't allowed to dig the hole. That's one thing

you're not allowed to do. Yeah. It's got to be regulation. Yeah, my brother did want to bring a digger and do that and was quite adamant that he'd be all good with it. Get one from bloody Hyapal.

Yeah. You can probably drive it. If Hyapal was close enough to the cemetery, you wouldn't even have to hire the trailer as well. Save yourself $100 there. Exactly.

But no, you're not allowed to dig your own hole. So the boys were lowering the coffin down, and it got stuck. And what my brother had done is he hadn't accounted for the handles, which were quite big and elaborate for the size of the hole. And so it wouldn't go down. There was no way that the coffin was going into the hole. So we all looked at the funeral director like, what do we do now? And he had a look of sheer terror on his face.

And he said, you'll just need to put your foot, each of you, onto the coffin and give it a little tap. You kicked your old man into the hole. Yeah, God bless this little funeral director. He was truly amazing. But a little tap was not going to do it. No way, actually. So it turned into some quite loud stamping and thumping to get.

And then the coffin almost kind of like shone its side. So the boys went Oh, stuff it Just push it down like that And it'll be right So they shoved them down As best as they could sideways And then we filled the whole room With this couple of spades

Fiona, you've got to write this down This is one of these things That needs to be Like, that is It needs to be Especially if your father Lived in a centric lifestyle It needs to be passed down Through the generations That in a centric lifestyle It needs to be passed down

Through the generations That's so funny So he's lying on his side then Oh well yes Yes he's very much on his side And you know to be honest We don't have all the time In the morning

But that was just actually Literally the tip of the iceberg Oh my god How that whole day Rolled out really It was the most bizarre funeral ever. Amazing. Oh, incredible, Fiona.

I love it. It sounds like it's appropriate for your father. It does. And because you managed to get on here, our Fiji happy hour is on at the moment. We've got you in the drawers where I win a $5,000 Flight Centre gift card to go towards a sun-kissed Fiji holiday as well.

Good luck, Fiona. Thank you. All right, some more messages in. Just to finish off. My auntie had passed away when I was in a funeral home. The neighbours would always have a sticky beak in the window so my cousin pretended to be a zombie walking around the windows at night at the funeral home.

What? What? At my grandpa's funeral, just a few seconds, the photo slideshow started playing, and then it went to the next step, which was a large display on the benefits of marijuana usage. And that started playing. So people watched that for a little bit.

My granddad's hearse's battery went flat because they left the lights on when they dropped them off, and then when they went to leave again The battery was flat We had to jump start It was a manual though So we considered push starting it Yeah Just

There's so many stories Of funerals Gone absolutely wrong I hope mine Yeah I agree I hope mine is An absolute disaster

That they turn into a film Yeah Play ZM's Fletchford and Hayley. Fletchford and Hayley. Silly little pole. Silly little pole. It is so silly, silly, silly.

That silly little pole. Silly little pole. Silly little pole. Silly little pole. Silly little pole. Today, silly little pole splitting the bill on a first date. Now as a feminist... You're talking to me, I'm not.

I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Don't come for me, I'm kidding. I'm a peopleist. Right. You know. As a feminist... Well, of course, the last date I ever went on, the last first date I went on was with Aaron. And who paid for that?

Aaron. Did he? Okay. Yeah. I don't know. He was kind of the sugar daddy though, right? Yeah, he was sort of older. He had a job.

And he had a little bit of a job. I was a student. A little bit of a job. Well, he was also a student. Oh, right. But he was earning. Yeah, but he was earning more than that. Oh, so he should have paid then.

Yeah, so he paid. But I don't, I remember offering. It's definitely not for me an expectation. But if you were out on a first date next week, you would just pay half. Absolutely. What if they offered to pay? No, I like doing a sneaky, I'm just going to pop to the bathroom.

And you would pay for the whole thing? Absolutely. Oh yeah, that old play. Yeah. That old situation. I'm just going to pop to the toilet, tuck your little F-Post card in your knickers and make sure not to flush it and on the way back just pop past. And then I always leave and go, no, you can get

next one. Which is a great way for a second date. Oh, yeah. You can get the next one. If you want a second date. So, we asked about splitting the bill on the first date. Yes. 79% nice. Not quite nice.

Nicer than nice. Said, yeah, split the bill, obviously. Only 21% said, nah. which I would imagine is the expectation is in a heterosexual date that the man pays. Yeah. Which, or is it the money, like the higher earner pays? But if it's a first date, you're getting into that? Yeah, you shouldn't discuss that.

Show me your IRD statements. What if it's two lesbians? Who pays then? Split? I think if you're two lesbians, you can only go to a restaurant where there's two gay males and they pay for yours as well. Yeah, right.

Two men sit next to two women. Yeah. And then one man pays for one of the women and the other pays for the other. Yeah. Okay, that makes sense. That's what you have to do. I think that's the law.

I'm not 100%. I'm not a lawyer. I'm not a solicitor or a barrister or anything that makes sense. That's what you have to do. I think that's the law. I'm not 100%. I'm not a lawyer. I'm not a solicitor or a barrister or anything like that. I think that's what you have to do. You're also not stupid. No. That's the way it must go. Some feedback, excuse me.

Blake says, I would always pay if I was the one that asked them out. Okay, yeah, nice. That's a nice little... So the instigator pays. Yeah. Yep. Why did that make me think of... I'm a fire starter.

Twisted fire starter. Doesn't he say something instigator? So if you're the instigator... I'll pay for dinner. I'll pay for dinner. Leanne says, yes, I split the bill. I never assume the other person is covering the bill. Offer, and if they decline, all good.

You could do one of those half ones. Oh, shall we? Oh, no, okay, if you insist. Mikael says, I'd have to pay 100% of the bill to compensate them having to talk to me for that long. Believe in yourself, babe. Catherine said, I said, yeah, but then I changed my mind. Now, I would have had my hair done,

nails done, and probably had a wax. Gee, this Catherine's really hoping this date goes well. So I've already spent about $300 on this date. The least he can do is feed me. We do put in somewhat more effort. Another Kate says, nah, I power

move the man, and I always pay. That's a bit of me. I like that. Another Kate says, nah, I power move the man and I always pay. That's a bit of me. That's a bit of me. I like that. That's hot, Kate. Terry says, no, I would be way too awkward to approach splitting the bill. I'd rather just shout it and make them feel special or them shout and I get the next one. Which is a good way.

Oh, Polly. I just pay for what I had. Oh! No! Polly! I only got a lemonade and a salad. Oh, no. That's got to be the worst of any option. This is what she says.

No, Polly, her last name's Burn and we're about to burn you. I once had a guy try to get me to split a bill. I had a prawn entree and he had one glass of wine. He had a steak meal with an extra side of fries and three beers. Oh, I'm kind of on Polly's side there. Oh yeah, you and Polly.

I knew you were going to be itemised, guy. He's eating too much to split. What are you? That's a steak meal. That's a light feed. It's way more expensive. It's a light dinner. She should have just had the entree. Oh. Our last message is from Greer.

Yeah. Could have been my name. Just pay for my meal. It's the one traditional value that actually benefits me. She's, I mean, she's not wrong. No. I love it. Spoken like a true feminist.

Play. ZM's Flet feminist. It's called cash stuffing. This is what this new saving thing is that the younger generation have got onto. When we were kids, we used to have AG jars and we'd do chores for coins and we'd put them in the AG jars. Your preserving jars for your peaches. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We used to pop them in there. I don't know what that noise was. I just had a bank account and I just deposited the money into it. Really? No, we had a piggy bank. You can't trust the banks. I think I got a bank account when I got my paper run. So they put you because they pay you straight into the bank account.

I think it was like $3.45 a week or something. I used to have five days delivering a paper. And I was underage as well. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah. We used to have those post banks. Maybe every Friday was like banking day at school.

You'd take like a dollar in your post bank or something. And you'd fill in the little form and they'd take your dollar and they'd put it in your account. Yeah. What was that through? Yeah, that was post bank. That was a thing, eh? Yeah. That was a thing.

That was a thing. That was a thing. Well, cash stuffing, this is how you do your cash stuffing. You get your pay. You get your pay stuff. So this is a way to save money and budget.

Apparently. Okay. Okay. This is how you do your cash stuffing. You get your money paid into your account and you withdraw it all. So when it's payday,

you do this? Yeah. Okay. You get it all out cash. That feels cool. The whole lot? The whole lot. Get it in fives.

It looks like more. Yeah. Thick bundle. Tens, you know, tens look like more. And then you have like envelopes or like jars or something, and they're all labeled different things, and you put the money in there. Obviously, you're going to have to,

like most of your bill paying is now online so you're going to have to put it back into the bank. I mean, you probably are best to work out what your bills are going to be and leave that amount in there and withdraw all the extra money, all your spending money, all the money that you'd spend on other things

or save towards something. Because interest rates are in the toilet so there's absolutely no point in having savings in the bank at the moment. No, they're not doing anything. Unless it's a multi-million dollar. Oh, okay. I'll leave it in then.

I don't think you need to worry about cash stuffing at that stage. No. So you take it all out and you divvy it up. Okay. You have different jars. You might be like shopping, stuff, stuff, stuff. Savings, stuff, stuff, stuff. Isn't this also semi what the barefoot investor told you, Executive Internania? You were all, you, stuff. Savings, stuff, stuff, stuff. Isn't this also semi what the Barefoot Investor told you,

Executive Internanya? You were all, you had buckets. Well, you called it buckets, didn't you? Yeah. It's pretty similar. How much do you have in your buckets now? They got into a house. I assume the buckets have all been chucked away now.

Are they for the leaky roof now? Yeah, pretty much. Yeah, no, the buckets are sort of stored next to the garage, waiting for a rainy day. But it's a similar idea, isn't it? Yeah. But with the cash, actually, the physical

cash there, you can see, you get that visual, I'm doing okay. I've seen people do this with photo albums. So you get a photo album that you can flip Or you put a little sticker on it That says like clothes Lunch Put the money in there

Fun Holiday Savings Food Rent And then you put it in the little clear envelope So when you pay for something You flip flip flip

This is food You take it out You can pull it out That's exactly what it What cash stuffing is What the deal is Yeah You have it out. You can pull it out. That's exactly what the deal is. Yeah. You have it assigned. So if you go over budget from something, you're like,

yeah, naughty me, I've gone over budget. Now, I have to take this from somewhere else. This is going to come at the detriment of another field of my life. Can I just raise a couple of warnings here or some flags? Please do. Thievy flatmates. House fire. Especially today

there's no, the firemen are on strike. The firefighters are on strike. Between 11am and 12pm do not set your house ablaze. I'd almost put all your money in the sink and turn the tap on. Just to keep your money nice and moist so it can't catch fire.

I mean the water could heat and it could melt. Oh my god, okay maybe not. You don't want to boil your money nice and moist so it can't catch fire. I mean, the water could heat and it could melt. Oh, my God. Okay, maybe not. Maybe not. You don't want to boil your money. So one of the important aspects of cash stuffing is you always have an envelope for saving. Okay. And then at the end of it, before the next pay, if you've got leftover, I mean splurge,

or put it in your savings. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah, and you only spend what's allocated on that. This is what my grandparents did. It's definitely because when you can see the money and you can see it going down, it's a lot better than if you're just swiping your card

because you just like swipe, swipe, and then it stops working. Yeah, every couple of days you're like, I better have a little look at that account. But it definitely makes you think more about what you're spending. When you can see your pile of money decreasing. It's tangible. See, well, some people are like visual, aren't they? They see it. Well, there you go. Try some

cash stuffing. This has also made me hungry for stuffing. Put a little... Oh, I've got a stuffing recipe for you. I love stuffing. I've told you about this, my sausage and bread stuffing. Yes. Sausage and bread stuffing? Yeah. Because if you're going to stuff a bird,

you might as well stuff it with more meat. I'm absolutely on board with this. No, you have it as a side dish. No, you have it as a side dish. It's like a stuffing, but you just eat it. Yeah, but you cook it inside the chicken. No, no, no. So you cook it and then poke it in?

No, no, no. You just serve it as a side dish. Well, that's not stuffing. Sure, this would go well in. It's like a bread sausage bake. Make the bread the stuffing, and then I'll get a nice flank steak, and then we'll roll it, tie it,

bake it inside the steak, cut it. Medallions. Yeah, nice, medallions. Okay, this is sort of like a cinnamon scroll, but it's all me. Play ZM's Fletch, Vaughn and Hayley. Yesterday, we were talking about the fact that Scotland's gone full free period products. Yes. And we talked about it and a few people messaged in saying that they have that at their school,

at a lot of schools around New Zealand, there's a pair of products for free. Hooray, we said. That's great news. Because if it gets people going to school to avoid a day off when that happens, fantastic. And then afterwards, we were talking about the different options and the undies you can get now that weren't around back in the day, the period undies. And I mentioned my mum made me a kit, like a little bag with a pair of undies and a couple of pads in it.

Yeah, we were talking about like kits and stuff. And then I said, I always took a spare pair of undies to school anyway. And everybody here was like, what? You didn't get your period? I was like, no, I always just took a spare pair of undies to school, you know, because what if you sharted? Yes. Sharts are an ever-present worry of mine.

Or there was an accident. Or if you just, like, got wet. Not you wet your pants, but if you just got wet. I hate being uncomfortable. I'd rather carry around something that I'll never use rather than being in slight discomfort. So primary school, intermediate, high school. Well, not primary school because I live so close to home.

So if I shit myself, I just would have, like, snuck into the school office and rung mum and been like, undies, now. And she's 100 metres down the road. Maybe at the bottom of the rugby field. But intermediate or high school. We went to the local town and it was like a bus ride. And so you were so worried you were going to shit yourself,

you packed spare undies. I wasn't so worried. I was just preparing. For the worst, I just always had a spare pair of undies in my bag. Did you have a really high-fibre diet or something that was going to expel this out of you? I don't know. There might have been something that kick-started this. Was there a history of accidentally shitting yourself?

Yeah. Because I was a pants wetter at primary school. Yeah, but you had a medical reason. My kidney wasn't functioning. Yeah. So I always had a little pair of undies and an extra pair of bike shorts in the weekly occurrence that I would piss myself. Yeah, right.

Do you know what a little nice story is? Once I wet my pants and I was so embarrassed that my best friend just stared me in the eyes and she pissed hers as well. That's best friendship. That's soulmate. That's a soulmate. Shout out to G.

Best friend on earth. Wow. She was like, well, let's not watch you go through this alone. And she just went... And she just started pissing herself. Yeah. I would never have done that at school because... No, you'd be teased as well.

Exactly. But looking back, I wish I had done something like that. Something so noble. For a fellow human. But that was primary school and then by the time I got my kidneys sorted I didn't pack a spare pair of knickers. Always pack a spare pair of undies.

Do you bring a spare pair to work? Once I slipped over and you know when it's like you're not allowed on the grass and everyone's just like cutting corners on the grass. I slipped over on the grass and i was like well now i'm wet and muddy so i went to the office i was like is there any pants and lost property that would fit me and the lovely office ladies were like yes there is and i and they were like but are you taking them like what's the deal i was like don't worry i pack spare undies and they were like okay okay so i chucked on i went into the sick bay Yeah Chucked on the spare undies

Chucked on the clean pair of shorts And away I went This is I don't like being uncomfortable Little Vaughn He's a real princess isn't he Yeah One of the things I always liked

About a school bag Is if it had an internal zip Yeah so you can hide your Oh secret knickers Yeah secret knickers Secret knickers in there Secret knickers in a muesli bar You know

And away you go You're ready for the world. Play ZM's Fletch, Vaughn and Hayley. Play ZM. Tinder turns 10. Wow. Guys, can you believe it? Happy birthday.

Happy birthday. Is that like the original? Nah, Grindr was first. Grindr was first. Grindr beat Tinder. Classic. was first. Grindr bet Tinder. Classic. Classic gay community. The gays are in there.

Yeah. Any way online, they'll make it. They'll sort it out. Yeah, absolutely. So Tinder turns 10, and it just got me thinking that there must be like Tinder babies out there. Babies that they have names. Obviously. And they would not ever be referred to as Tinder babies.

And I certainly don't mean that to sound like derogatory. But if Tinder came out 10 years ago, there's got to be a nine-year-old that's the result of a Tinder hookup. Yes, because I definitely know lots of couples who met on Tinder

who have kids. Yeah. So you want to find out who was one of the firsties. Yeah. The message is in. Somebody said, I've got a 17-year-old match.com. So I was actually looking online. Match.com is the original online dating website.

It was the first one in the world. Yeah, website. And that was 1995. Does Trade Me still do the classifieds? No, Trade Me never did dating. Yes, they did. What was NZ dating? Do you remember NZ dating? What do you mean? Like you sell a couch and you're like, do you want to go on a date?

No, Trade Me used to have a little branch for like dating people. Did they? Yeah, for sure. So, yeah. NZ dating, 15. branch for like dating people. Did they? Yeah, for sure. Huh. So, yeah, NZ Dating,

15 year old. Match.com, 17 year old. Someone said, I've got an almost four year old Tinder baby. Okay.

And there's got to be older. So four's the one to beat. Four's the record now. 0800 Dials. We want to take your calls now. You can text 9696. What are we giving them?

Do you have, what do you mean? What are we giving this old baby? The kudos. The kudos. We'll give them a little t-shirt made. Look at Anna looking at me saying, you make promises we can't keep. Find someone.co.nz.

Find someone. That was the trade me one. Does that exist anymore? I don't know. I'll click the link and see if I can. Someone said, I've got a 16-year-old Trade Me baby. A Trade Me baby? It was FindSomeone was Trade Me,

but I referred to them as my 16-year-old Trade Me baby. Okay, well, do you want to take calls from people that have online dating babies as well? No, you want a Tinder. Or do you want just Tinder? I'd be interested to hear it, but given that it's Tinder's 10th birthday and Tinder is the one everybody knows about,

I mean, so much so that when we had a segment called Tinder Nightmares, they legally required us to cease and desist. That's true. Will you be accepting Grindr babies? I don't... But can lesbians go on Grindr or was that specifically for homosexual males?

What do lesbians use? There is one Say something There is one I won't I had a joke up my sleeve What is No, no

It's called Scissor There was one called Scissor I remember that because my friend was on it There was There was one called What are the other ones? So there's Grindr, Tinder and Scissor Who?

And they all missed their vowel just before the R. That's how you know it's a dating app. Okay, well, 0800-DANCE-AT-HEM is the number 9696. Do you have a Tinder baby? And how old are they? Well, Tinder is 10. So that must mean we're out there somewhere. There's got to be a nine-year-old Tinder baby.

At least. I tell you, how's this from a midwife message, Din? We tried calling but it went straight to voicemail. Yep, call the midwife. Call the midwife. We tried. Gosh, she's a hoot, isn't she, Miranda? What a hoot.

I'm a midwife. I get more Tinder babies than non-Tinder babies now. Like when you, the baby, where did you meet? Tinder. More often than not. Itinder babies now. Like when you, the baby, where did you meet? Yeah, Tinder. More often than not. Yep. It's the way.

It's the way of the future, isn't it? And then a report of a 30-year-old baby, but obviously not a Tinder baby, not a Trade Me baby, 30 years old, what could this baby be? Do you remember the New Zealand television show Blind Date? No. What? They were behind a screen and they'd ask some questions.

Yeah, there were three people. Yeah. One. Contestant number one. Male or female. Who hosted that? A leishman? I don't know.

Well, a leishman back in the day was hosting, always hosting something. There was always a leishman on the telly. Always. That was the rule. You couldn't make television without a leishman. Yeah. If we were out on a date and I got a little bit cold, would you give me your jacket?

Only those weird old New Zealand accents. Yeah. And test into number one. No, you should have bought your own sweatshirt. I don't want to be with you. He's treating me mean and keeping me keen. He sounds like a bad boy. Yeah. I hope he like a bad boy. Yeah.

I hope he has a motorbike. Wow, and they've got a baby from that? They've got a 30-year-old blind date baby. Wow. All right, so we're on the hunt for New Zealand's oldest Tinder baby, and we're going to start with Crystal. Crystal, good morning. Morning.

How old is your Tinder surprise? She is five. She's already at school. And this Monday, we just celebrated our seven-year wedding anniversary. Oh, yay. Oh, wow. And so this was seven years ago on Tinder that you met? Well, no, we swiped nearly nine years ago on Tinder,

but I married him a couple of years later. Yeah, and it's Cinderella who met her Tinder fella. Fletch called yours a Tinder surprise but it's not really a Tinder surprise if you were married and together and everything. Precisely. And we've got another one too so it did pretty well out of a free app.

I love Tindies. Yeah. And back in the day when it was nine years ago and you swiped, did you say that you met on Tinder or was there still a bit of stigma then? Well, I was in London at the time and it was a lot more popular then, so I was pretty proud of it. Right, okay.

And it worked out. What was his profile pic back in the day? Do you remember what the picture was that got you hooked, made you swipe right? The pictures were not the greatest, but I quite liked his tagline around wanting to meet a foreigner. And I was obviously on my OA, so I was like, yeah, that's me. You brought him home. I did. He came to New Zealand sight unseen so I'm

pretty convincing. And what did he say when he got here? Was he like, oh God. Oh no, he loved it. Of course he loved it. Amazing. Crystal, thank you so much. Five is the number we have to beat. Cody joins us. Good morning, Cody.

Why, hello there, guys. Hello. We have sunshine, Cody. Do you have a Tinder baby? We sure do. She just turned six last month. Oh, six. Six.

Okay, congratulations. Winner, winner, chicken dinner so far. So that's six years is the one to beat. And tell us about your first Tinder date with the baby's daddy. We're actually married now, but we got pregnant after three months. So she definitely was a Tinder surprise. A Tinder surprise. So that's your Tinder surprise.

Yep. Now we are married with two more babies, but he messaged me and I definitely didn't reply first go because I was absolutely drunk. Oh, okay. It wasn't anything to do with your standards. You were just too pissed. Okay, I understand.

No, you definitely wouldn't have been my usual type, but now we're married, so we love Tinder now. We love Tinder now. Well, you probably shouldn't if you're married. You delete that cat. Don't hold on to sentimentality. Cody, thank you so much. Six, the number to beat for New Zealand's oldest Tinder baby.

Somebody said, I've got a Tinder surprise, and then in brackets, like literally. So I'm imagining. Yeah. A very much a surprise. No longer with the guy guy but my Tinder surprise is seven okay

a few reports of seven with six and a half year old Tinder baby well we may need you to re-text in with the seven point

month yeah we need a clear winner because we do need a clear winner seven and a half year old Tinder surprise messaged in

um I've got a NZ dating baby wow Seven and a half year old Tinder surprise messaged in. I've got a NZ dating baby. Few NZ dating baby reports coming in. That was what everybody used pre-Tinder, right? That was like New Zealand's site. I've got 14 year old twins that are a result of a

one night stand from NZ dating. They've got more babies than they had. Is the dad involved? I don't know. Oh, my God. A one night stand. A one night stand. Good for you.

A one night stand and a pregnancy. Oh, that's a lot. And twins. 14. Okay. Well, I mean, yeah. Yeah. 14 for online dating.

Yeah. Zoosk was apparently a Bebo dating site. I didn't know. A few reports of babies. Somebody said my Zoosk baby just turned 10. Zoosk. I hope you didn't call it Zoosk. No.

No. Just Zoo for short. Yeah. Oh, okay. Hold on. We've had a text message in where this would need to be confirmed. This is easily the highest. Eight and a half year old Tinder baby. That's fresh. The app just came out. They hold on. We've had a text message in where this would need to be confirmed. This is easily the highest. Eight and a half year old Tinder baby.

That's fresh. The app just came out. They jumped on. So they sound like an early adopter. Yeah. They jumped on the app and then jumped on each other and then... And then saw what could possibly... Eight and a half.

I'm from. Okay. That's our winner winner. Yeah, it's gone to voicemail. We have tried to call them. Gone straight to voicemail. But yeah, eight and a half. That sucks for that person because Anna's promised that I can give away $10 to the winner.

So they're going to be pissed off. They'll be turning their phone back on. They won't be converting to voicemail for $10 on the line. $10? They're going to be bloody, they're going to listen, they're going to catch up on the podcast and go, oh. This is, we have a Pokemon Go baby. What? You just met out there trying to catch a squirtle.

Oh, my God. You're out there Pikachu, you know. I didn't realize that. Pikachu in a gym. Yeah. I've got an 18-year-old Vodafone chat room baby from a school holiday road trip. There it is. There it is.

Wow. I've got a 15-year-old MSN profile stalking baby. I was just going to say, what about, does anyone have an ICQ baby? An ICQ chat room? Does anyone have an MIRC chat room dial-up internet baby?

Mine was the Yahoo chat rooms. Yahoo chat room baby. And I was like, I'm 18. Well, there we go go New Zealand's oldest Tinder baby Eight and a half Which is like Ten dollars

Coming your way Calm down with your prizes Hayley I love to give away money I'll give away a dollar If I had to Play ZM's Fletchvorn and Hayley Fact of the day

Day Day Day Day Yeah Facts of the day, day, day, day, day. Just went full volume on that one, did you? Just decided to. You're being obnoxiously loud this morning. You're being a little bit of a brat. You're doing that thing when like your parents have their friends around and you show it off. We're going to do a play.

We're going to do a show. We're all going to go to the bedroom and practice the show and before we leave and then your parents are like time to go and you're like we haven't done the show yet! We need 10 more minutes to practice! And your parents are like,

we are leaving in 15 minutes. The show cannot be any longer than five minutes. We've put all night into this, mum. Today's fact of the day is about zoomies. Well, you know when your cat goes zoomies? Cats and dogs famously go zoomies. Yeah. Also known as scrumbling, the midnight crazies, or crackhead is what we call it.

My cat does this all the time. So it's actually got like a scientific name. They start running up the walls. Yeah. Parkour cats. They go crazy and they come in and they like run and then they stop real quick and they look at the end and they're like, ha! Phrenetic random activity periods.

Okay. Or fraps. Fraps. There's the knowing. Rolly, cut it out with your bloody fraps. He's frapping. He's frapping again. I'm trying to watch TV.

Fraps are random bursts of energy occurring in cats and dogs, which when they run frenetically are commonly in circles or around in the same pattern. Yeah, my cat will run all the way into the bathroom and then skid on the tiles. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, we've got hardwood floors. I love when they go from carpet to hardwood and the hardwood's a corner and they're like...

They're like a drift NZ. Is it after eating? Is it after dinner? No, it's completely randomized and an ethologist, Mark Beekhoff, has suggested that dogs should be allowed to freely engage with them if they're in a safe area and they

won't harm themselves because apparently if you like, don't let them frap, it can be bad for them. So you've got to let your cat frap. It can lead to like frustration and anxieties in your animal. Oh, like it's an expression. They'll explode. I've got to let this out. And if they don't release that energy and fraps, it could be, you know, put into anxieties

and stuff. The cat zoomies, again, are totally normal behaviour for cats, especially in younger cats or kittens. Quick bursts of energy allow cats to get out any built-up energy and keep themselves fit and practise their hunting skills. Yeah, good. Because what they do during, like, chasing, like, running after things, cornering quickly, jumping, a little bit of cat parkour, if you will,

is good for them to keep their hunting reflexes up. So today's fact of the day is, and I mean, drop this one next time the cat's got the zoomies. Yeah. Be like, do you know these are called frenetic random activity periods or FRAPs for short. You can both have a little giggle over that. And then your kids will be like, why?

What does FRAPs mean? You'll be like, ha, ha, ha, ha, look at the cat doing parkour. Quick change of subject. You can use this one. It's that cats, zoomies, scrumbling, midnight crazies, or crackhead behavior in your cats and dogs is completely normal and it is called fraps. Fact of the day, day, day, day, day.

Yeah. Day, day, day, day. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. Everybody wants to be my enemy. Play ZM's Fletch Vaughan and Hayley. Play ZM. I want to talk about group chat etiquette. The do's and don'ts, the rudest things you can do in a group chat. I've got a lot of group chats. Do you think there'd be anyone that's not in a group chat?

My dad. He's not in a family chat? He's in a fun discussion group, but it's not online. It's sort of like they get rung. They literally get rung on the landline. Oh, right. This time at this place. Right.

I'm in heaps. I've got the work one for six of us. Yeah. And there's actually a work one just with the three of us and the producers.

Excluded. Excluded in that one. I've got a marching one, a family one, Aaron's family one, Aaron's family extended. Jeez, how many people are in the extended family?

He's got a big enough family as it is I know it's huge was that one of the ones that you've muted they're on mute they're on mute we had the chat

for Anna's birthday so it's all of us sans Anna oh yeah the old no and they're called no like that one would be called the no Anna chat group

there's just so many of them but I have a lot of mine on mute oh that's okay right I've got a lot of mine on mute do you have our work one on mute nah okay good but's okay. Right. I've got a lot of mine on mute. Do you have our work one on mute?

No. Okay, good. But then you've got them everywhere, don't you? You can do iMessage. That can be a thing. You've got WhatsApp. You mean Usher on WhatsApp? Yeah, WhatsApp's famous for its end-to-end encrypted group chats

because we're up to all sorts of espionage. Oh, you won't believe the things we say. Yeah, but WhatsApp's good for a group chat. You've got the lads group chat on WhatsApp, don't you? Lads group chat on WhatsApp. Then we've got a lads group chat on Facebook, on Messenger. There's a lot of group chats. There's a lot.

Well, for those that are part of a group chat, here's the rudest things you can do in a group chat. Okay. And so perhaps avoid these. Do not ask everyone to summarise the chats you've missed. One of my chats, my marching chats, it pops off and it will go like 60 messages and you've missed it and you'll pop in and you'll go,

oh, guys, what are you guys talking about? I do this. Give me a quick summary so I don't have to scroll back. No. I love when someone goes away for a few days. Yes. Well, they won't be with their phone or whatever. Yeah. And then they come back and there. No, that's... I love when someone goes away for a few days. Yes. Well, they won't be with their phone or whatever. Yeah.

And then they come back and there's one, I think our record is 1,300 messages somebody came back to after the weekend. Yeah. But they made a deal

about how they didn't want to come back to a lot of messages. So we really upped the comms that weekend. Like word by word messages. Yeah, well, they say phrases like,

what did I miss or catch me up? Terrible. Oh, no, don't do that. Sending inappropriate images and videos on a big chat. That's Vaughn. Oh my god, I know. All your dead farm animals. Oh yeah, but I just want

you guys to know I'm doing my, not dead farm animals, pests that I eradicate. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure. Your rabbits, your rats, your possums. I'm doing my part to keep Aotearoa's native birds. And can I say the tui are thriving. I saw, and I cut you one of the way. Six tui.

And I had four piwaka waka help me move shifts and fences the other day. I'm seeing the results of a little bit of investment. We don't need to see the animals in the traps. Yeah. We don't need to see that. But the rats, I had popped out. I thought that was funny. You know, but also, animals in the traps. Yeah. We don't need to see that. But the rats, I had popped out. I thought that was funny.

You know, but also, this is the thing. They're not talking about sending, you know, your rude nudes. They are talking about things like people sharing surgery pictures. Like, look, I busted my knee. Not everyone in the group chat is going to handle that well. Hey, guys, here's my baby coming out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. If you're in a group chat with someone, maybe. Group chat, call.

Video call. Video call. Guys, look. Look. Do not add new people without asking the current members. Oh, yeah. And then you're like, why have you added that? Also, do you start a new one? You start a new one.

Because do you know if you add someone to a group chat, like Facebook, they can go up and see all the old messages. I know. So if you've been talking about them. Before adding them. They can just go up and see everything. Start a new I know. So if you've been talking about them, they can just go up and see everything. Start a new one. Don't have one-on-one conversations.

Like if you and another are just popping off, like pop into a new window. Yeah, like when Vaughn wants to talk to producer Jared about nerd stuff. That's why we've got a different chat. Do that in your own nerd chat. But sometimes in a group chat, you might have a question for specifically one of the lads.

Yeah. But you want to, it's like, you know, but sitting around in a circle, you might specifically address somebody and the other one might chip in. Yeah. That's what I like about that. I also do this.

Don't assume they'll get the notification and they won't get the notification until later. So because we get up at four, sometimes I go, I'll sit on the toilet at 4 a.m. I'll be like, right, I'll reply to some of these messages. Yep. They'll be going, ding, I'll reply to some of these messages. Yep. They'll be going, ding, ding, and all my groups and stuff. No, they should sleep with it on silent.

They should. Actually, that would be a good silly little poll, is do people sleep with their phone on silent or not? Because I'll fire off messages when I wake up at 4.30. If it wakes people up, it's their fault. Yeah. The last one that I'll mention

is don't forward suspicious content. You know, don't virus everyone. Oh yeah, okay, yeah. There's so many of those viruses.

Hey, can you help me? Oh yeah, no, I love that. Hey, wave, can you help me? Or like, oh my God, I just saw this picture.

Let me guess, you need me to receive the code for your Instagram because you've gone to a new phone and they're like, how did you know? Because this is the eighth time someone's tried it. Can you help me? No, I know it's a scam. It's not, I promise. It is. It is. Just go on to your next

potential victim. I'm done here. Play ZM's Fletch, Vaughn and Hayley. Just quickly, Vaughn, before we touch on your man issue, I want to say thank you to Queen Anne, the people that make the most delicious chocolate fish in the world. I think because they heard you poo-pooing the chocolate fish earlier in the week. I won't stand by and say I poo-pooed the chocolate fish

unless there's audio proof I poo-pooed the chocolate fish. There's audio proof. I think we can work on that. We'll get audio proof. What were we even talking about? I can't remember. I don't know, but you love a chocolate fish. I love a good chocolate fish.

I love those, you know those little ones you always get with a mochaccino? Yeah. That's not a good chocolate fish. It's all right. It's all right. It's a stretch. It's a good chocolate fish. But the Queen Anne team listen to ZM and they've sent us a giant box and we're eating them.

Thank you. Yesterday. That's lovely. And we ate them yesterday. And we ate them yesterday. And we ate them today. I haven't had one because I hate chocolate fish this shit, but I will not stand by and say I ever purped the chocolate fish. Well, you literally just did.

Don't put words in my mouth. The words came out of your mouth. I'll put a chocolate fish in your mouth. That sounded like an HR issue. Absolutely on the horizon. That's the line? That's the one that broke the camel's back, the straw. Okay, I've got bad news, single men.

By all means, just yum it up right in front of the microphone. That disgusting chocolate fish that has no place in a confectionary aisle. It's delicious. Awful, terrible things. Also, this is about single men. Two things I'm not.

Unplug me. And you don't have to deal with, thankfully. Well, single men are finding it harder than ever

dating because women, two reasons. Women are raising their standards. Oh, good one, Hayley. This are raising their standards. Oh, good one, Hayley. This is your fault.

I need a gentleman who's going to take care of me. Jesus, I'm Nazareth. Can we please remove all of Queen Margaret's chocolate fish? You need someone who's going to put... The respect I deserve for the lady I am. So that's why I raised my standards. Right. Well,

get the Queen Elizabeth out of your mouth and we'll carry on. It's Queen Anne, actually. Queen Anne. Yeah. My least favourite queen. No, she's sassy.

Queen Anne. So women are to blame for men being single. Hang on. Is that what you're saying? It's interesting that that's what you took out of this.

That's the wording you went with? Young and middle-aged men are the loneliest that have ever been and it is expected to get worse. Women aren't putting up with your shenanigans anymore. Rightly so. The subpar. Yeah.

So apparently it's not what they'd call a sausage fest out there. Yeah. But it is a sausage majority. That sounds to me like a sausage fest. It it is a sausage majority. That sounds to me like a sausage fest. It's not a sausage fest. That sounds like a PC way. What's a small version

of a sausage fest? It's a sausage concert. No, what are those little ones called? Savoy. It's a Savoy fest. It's a Savoy fest. You don't want a Savoy,

do you? No. It's a Cheerio party. It's a Cheerio party. That's what it is. 62% of people using dating apps Are male

Identify as male Okay So that means Women can afford to be Pickier Right And Immediately 12%

By my maths Unless it's 24 Because it would be 12 Because there's 12 more men But that also indicates There's 12 less Female Anyway

Men You've got less less rule of the roost. Yeah. So they can't just get away with their old shenanigans anymore. So here's what women would like. Okay. Ooh. One block of chocolate. They prefer men who are emotionally available, good communicators,

and share similar values. I mean, to be fair, you could say that men want that in a woman as well. Emotionally available, good communicators, share similar values. I don't know. I think you're reading too much into men, to be honest. Yeah, right. Yeah. I'd decide a woman that would hand me a chocolate fish from that side of the desk.

And a choccy fish. Another chocolate fish? Are you going for another? Another chocolate fish, mate. Do you want to try the orange? Yeah. Hone a chalky fish. Another chocolate fish? Are you going for another? Another chocolate fish, mate. Do you want to try the orange? Yeah. Yeah, it's quite good. So this doctor also pointed out

men who lack emotional intelligence and don't address it will increase the likelihood of long-term singledom and sadness. Wow, okay. Express yourself. Yeah, you've got to express yourself. Are you picking up on anything here?

Fletch? Do you want to try the... Single, man, emotionally unavailable, loneliness. you want a cuddle? I'm going to try these. Single, man, emotionally unavailable, loneliness. No, I'm fine. I'm fine. Sadness.

I've got a box of chocolate fish. Do you want to have a cry? What more do I need? It looks like you need a good cry. Stop trying to hug me. Stop trying to hug me. Look how tight his jaw's going. He's like, yeah.

Stop trying to hug me. Give us a cuddle. You could live bait the ladies with those. You know, when fishermen put fish on the hook to catch other fish. I'm hooked because I want the rest of that. A live bait situation. Well, he's got you, doesn't he?

He's got you all week. Okay, if you had to rate, review or marry Fletch, Vaughn or Hayley, what one would it be? Okay, I would marry Hayley. I would have sex. Wait, which one was it? No, no, no, no. It's only rate, review, marry. Oh, okay. No comment.

I could have sex with the podcast. I don't know how that would work. Give us a sexy little review, though.