ZM's Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley - Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley Podcast - 22nd December 2022

Episode Date: December 21, 2022

ACC Claims  Top 6: TikTok  FVH's Memorable Moments  Best Of: Hayleys Version  Vaughans Girls are Narcs  Fact of the Day Day Day Day Daaaaay!  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

The ZM Podcast Network. Play ZM's Fletch, Vaughan and Hayley. Hello, welcome to the Fletch, Vaughan and Hayley podcast. It's thanks to McCafe. Try barista-made iced coffees. Available now at your local McCafe. Last week, I chipped my tooth. You may remember, I mentioned this.

How did you do it again? Well, if ACC asks, it was an accident at the gym. That's how you did it. If you want the truth. No, the truth is you did it at the gym. I did it at the gym. Anyway. And you pay taxes.

I pay my taxes, guys. No, but it was an old ACC claim. So it's fine. I ground it down with anxiety. And anyway, so last week I went to the dentist with a broken tooth and they fixed it. And then I'm going back today, I've got another one, a different one that's broken. How brittle are your teeth? I know, I just feel like I'm in such poor health.

Are they like a sheet of toffee? You know when you break a sheet of toffee? I do have very thin teeth. Like I do have quite weak little teeth, wiggly woggly. Right. They're not great teeth. Right. They're not great teeth. Right. But, so we were over, I don't know if I mentioned on air,

but we went over for the first time and hung out with our neighbours. Lovely couple. On the other side. This is where the four of you polished off eight bottles of wine? Eight bottles of wine. Gotcha. They're in their 60s, my parents' age. Oh, wow.

And we went over to be like, hi, you know, we've never really sat down together. Nick Minna. Yeah. Can't remember getting home. Shit face. Anyway. I mean, at least that anxiety the next morning of I don't know how I got home can't be too bad.

You literally walked next door. Yeah, it was literally across the fence line. There's a Haley-sized hole in the fence. Whereas when you're in town and you can't remember getting home and there's like 25 kilometers, you're like, there's a lot that could have happened there. And like three Uber receipts. I'm like, did I get out and then get back in one? Anyway.

So when we first got there, they were showing us around their house because their house is like a sibling. There's like three. There's the one next to us on the other side. There's us and there's their house and they were built at the same time. So they were showing us around their house and we were looking up at their ceiling because it was exposed wood as we do. And I was like, oh, and I had my jaw open like this. And Aaron was looking the other way

and he went to point at the roof and he whacked his hand up and my jaw just went gush. And this like almighty noise. Aaron was like, oh my, oh my God. It made just a horrible snap and it didn't really hurt. And I was like, like no it's okay it's okay i just want to make a scene because the neighbors are like i think he's just punched god they literally just got here yeah anyway the next next day i didn't notice it because i was

quite profoundly hung over and then the day after i was like you've chipped my tooth the next one along my big tooth has like quite a sharp, jagged cut out of it. Right. So now I've got to go back to the dentist today and say, I've chipped my tooth. And they'll go, no, you were here. We've fixed it. I'll be like, nah, next one along. Next one along.

But do you get a discount? Why are you there? I don't think so. But that's an accident, isn't it? That's an accident. Yeah, that's actually, if ACC ask, that's an accident. I'm slightly worried they'll call Bloody Women's Refuge when they say that my partner knocked me in the jaw. But I don't know how to say, like, no, no, no, genuinely just flicked his hand.

I hate when you hear a noise and... You know the sound of teeth smacking together. So anyway, old brittle teeth sprout. Maybe it's time I give up the oat milk and go back to the cow's teat. Yeah, back on the teat, that'll be good for you, actually. Get me back on the teat to the cow's teat. Yeah, back on the teat, that'll be good for you actually. Get me back on the teat. Back on the teat. Play ZM's Fletch, Fawn and Hayley.

Thank you Sam. Good morning, welcome to the show. Fletch, Fawn and Hayley, happy Thursday morning. How regular am I going to be today? I lost sleep in, I was out late last night and for brekkie I've got three kiwi fruits

and two plums you are going to be rocking slip sliding away you got a little sunburn yesterday I did I got a little sunburn yesterday too on the shoulders I got the guns out got the guns out

oh yeah good I don't remember being outside I went outside for a bit sat in my new mac pack Got the guns out. Got the guns out. Oh, yeah, good. In the same room. Yeah, right. I don't remember being outside. I went outside for a bit, sat in my new MacPak chair. Luscious. Probably fell asleep. No, and then I was in the shade. Well, you've got to be careful.

I'll get you. I'm going to need some chest Botox. Why? Because when you sleep, your boobies press together and you get a permanent line. Oh, you get the old lady wrinkle. You get the old lady chest. I'm 33. We can't be having it.

Anyway. Oh, sleep strapped up. Strapped up. Strapped down. Puppies up. Strapped them down. Two shows left for the year. Christmas fast approaching.

I'm going to miss. I'm going to miss getting up and hanging out with you boys. You went shopping yesterday. Was it nuts? No. We're going shopping tomorrow

after the show. I was literally thinking about that. Is that wild? That's a wild idea. Feels insane. Pleasantly surprised. Really? It wasn't like crazy.

No. Okay. Okay. And we'll go quite early. We'll be there for open at 10. Okay. Coming up on the show, the top six. Yeah.

So TikTok will explain its algorithm to you should you inquire. Because they've always been very secretive, haven't they, until now? So if you're seeing something, you're like, why am I seeing that? And then it'll say, because you watched. Or you follow or you like. Yeah, right. And we identified them as a similar account. So, yeah, it's us.

But it's so good it knows, doesn't it? It knows. It does know. It knows. So, the top six. The top six reasons you're seeing something on TikTok. All right, it's coming up on the show next, though. I've got some news straight from the Carpity Coast.

Some maybe not suitable for work. Ice cream related? No, no, no, not ice cream related at all. A bit sexy, actually. Oh. Play. ZM's Fletch Vaughan and Hayley. I say this with utmost respect for the libraries of New Zealand,

but when was the last time you got out a book from the library? Oh, that is disrespectful, ma'am. No. You said it was with respect, ma'am. Well, I'm taking a leaf out of your book because you say things, but you say respectfully at the end. I do. Which doesn't make it any less.

Excuse me, it does. It's my intent to be very respectful. Who goes to libraries respectfully? The last time I went was I needed a JP to sign a photocopy of my passport. Yes, yeah. And then we just learned that Bad News Brad's a JP, so yes. Hold on, and next time he's going to sign anything you need. And a marriage celebrant.

The dude can do anything. He does everything. Yeah. But to get a book, I would be struggling to remember the last time. Like 15 years ago? Yeah, I feel like mine was high school. We used to study in the library and you'd get out heaps of books. And magazines, they'd always have the cool international magazines.

Rock and roll magazines. I used to get them out. You could get out the magazines. That's right. Yeah, remember? That was crazy. But magazines were so fragile, you know,

like the cover would pop off because it was only held on with a staple. Flimsy as. When we were renovating, we used the library. Sade would go and do like work there because we didn't have internet at home and it was like a construction site.

She'd go and use it for that and it was free internet. There are so many, the library is just full of people on the free internet. Yeah. I feel if they didn't have free internet, it would be empty. There's like jigsaw puzzles at the library.

Also, how good is the architecture of libraries around New Zealand? Like Christchurch Library, insane. Wellington Library, insane. Yeah, Christchurch is amazing. Yeah. Oh, and when we lived in Te Atatu in West Auckland, that was a brand new library build, and they put a lot of thought into that.

But then where we live now, I think it's been there since the 80s. And you know how the 80s was like a real weird period for council municipal buildings? They just put it up cheap, didn't they? Cinder blocks, baby! Cinder blocks! Well,

Carpety Coast District Library have released some information about what people are borrowing. So they lent out just under half a million physical items from the library this year. Okay. And that's only the physical books. And they released, they lent out 40,000 e-books.

So I didn't know that you could do this in a library. How do you lend out an e-book? One at a time, right? Even though technically, wait, it's on a Kindle. Yes. Or do you have a Kindle? I think you have to have the ability to read it on whatever, but it's an app that you can download to your iPads and stuff.

Right. Carween, Producer Carween, you know a bit about the e-books from the library. Yeah, I've tried, but every book that I search has like a long, long wait list. An e-book? A wait list, but they're infinite. It's E, it's E, Carwin. But they're not.

It's E. They're treated like a book. Yeah, the agreement they would have with the places they're entitled. It's like, you know, a video shop. You'd only have X amount of copies. Yeah, but it's E. You can make multiple copies. Yeah, but no.

E for eternal. We have to pay the publisher. I think it's for electric. I think it's electronic. Electronic. Yeah. Electric. It's electronic.

Eternal mail. No, it's electronic mail. I was 33 years old when I learned. So, okay, so you can get e-books from the library. Yes. You bring in your own device. Yeah, I think that each library might have a different app, like where you are, but you download the app

and then I guess you say, I want that one, and it appears in your app. I want that one. Wow, okay. So of the 40,000 e-books that Kapiti Coast District Libraries lent out this year, the biggest genre was erotica. Oh.

Modern romance, contemporary romance, erotica. Those horndogs on the Carpity Coast. I know. Thank God they're e-books, though. You wouldn't want 40,000 people feathering through the same bloody physical erotica, would you? No. No, there'd be some magic. Especially lick your finger and turn the page.

Oh, yeah. There'd be a couple of pages stuck together. Yeah, a few less pages each time. Blah. Would I be, now respectfully, would I be out of line to say that erotic fiction is far more in the female domain than the male. Yes, for sure. Because it's so strung with romance. Yes.

It's all the like Mills and Boone stuff. It's all like some big shirtless man on a horse, you know, saving you. Whereas we're just alright with a couple of pictures and a video, eh? Yeah.

A couple of piggies. Yeah, just a calendar. Just a calendar in the workshop. Why not in the workshop bathroom? Couple of nips and away we go. So the number one e-book that they lent out this year is called 101 Best Sex Scenes Ever Written, An Erotic Romp Through Literature.

For writers and readers alike. There are horndog mums on the company list. And you wouldn't even know your mum or your granny's reading this because it would be on their e-device, wouldn't it? Yeah, no. So it says, it's got all of these sex scenes in it. Do you need a moment? It's got all of these sex scenes in it.

All of these sex scenes from everyone, from modern writers to Ernest Hemingway, and then they do an analysis of why the scene is so successful. That's actually kind of interesting. I've literally Googled this book and been like, huh. Oh. I'll give that a read. Have we found some holiday reading?

I'm blushing. Okay, give us the title again. It's called 101 Best Sex Scenes Ever Written, an erotic romp through literature for writers and readers by Barnaby Conrad. I've found a list of the top 20 erotic novels of 2022. Give me a number between 1 and 20, and I'll read you out the synopsis.

16. 16. Okay, 16 is a book called Written in the Stars. Why you need to read it? If you're after some LGBTQ erotica, Written in the Stars. Why you need to read it? If you're after some LGBTQ erotica, Written in the Stars has won national awards and is a lesbian take on Bridget Jones in the Pride and Prejudice era.

We made a movie out of this. A lighter, whimsical read that is empathetic and emotive. We watched Darcy and Elle agree to a fake relationship to placate an overbearing family. Placate. Placate. Placate. Placate.

I don't read very well. You're doing so good, boy. Oh, the unexpected result is they fall for each other big time. A warm, sapphic romance. Oh. That gives us smut as well as charm. Okay, good, because I was like, this is sounding a little romantic. Give us the top three.

Number one is. No, no, no, no, no. See, what I've learned to radio this year is... Okay, number three is... Good. He's learning. The Highland Fling.

Oh, that's a bit of me. American Bonnie St. James has just been fired for the third time in a row. I mean, at this stage, Bonnie's got to be looking at herself, right? I mean, maybe I am the problem.

She decides to take matters into her own hands and when she and her best friend spot a help wanted post to head up a coffee shop based in the Scottish Highlands, they decide to seize the day and apply. Upon arrival, they find themselves falling in love with their new surroundings instantly, not to mention the friendly local community,

apart from the rugged local handyman, Rowan McGregor. Oh, Rowan McGregor. Oh, Rowan McGregor. Hey, Rowan McGregor, welcome to the Heelands. I have a feeling Rowan's about to get it. When Bonnie and Rowan cross paths, they're both in for an explosive ride. Hold on tight because you're going to love it. Number two, the Spanish love deception. It's her sister's wedding And Catalina Martin

Needs a date She's told her family That she has one The perfect American boyfriend The trouble is He's not real Now she's got only four weeks To find someone willing to fly

From New York City to Spain With her as her wedding date And help her continue deceiving Her nearest and dearest Cue Aaron Blackford Her handsome But insufferably... Oh, which one have you read?

Carwin! This one. This is a... Carwin! You horny little dog! No, no, no, no. This is like a book that's huge on book talk. So smut talk!

But it's not smart. Like, it's not that smutty. Oh, okay. You've been reading porn. No, I haven't! You've read a bit of't. It's great. She knows all about the e-library and she's all over it isn't she?

Cue Erin Blackford her handsome but insufferably condescending colleague who offers to step in. She's nodding knowingly. Catalina is desperate. So desperate that she might take him up on it and maybe, just maybe it won't be as bad as she thinks. Desperate woman. It's a classic enemies to

lovers type. Yeah, hot. It's a Taylor's all the time. But is there good sex scenes in it? No comment. Okay. She's all horned up. Number one. Have you read this one, Carwin? The Kiss Quotient. No. Quotient? That's a terrible

title. Yeah, The Kiss Quotient. First published in 2018 but brought back to the fore via TikTok. Yeah. Who knew TikTok was selling books? Yeah, BookTok, yeah. Making these books sell. The stunner of a debut novel is refreshing, charming, and at times incredibly sexy.

Its main protagonist is Stella Lane, a young woman on the autistic spectrum. Oh. Unexpected. For the horniest book of the year. Maths makes the world go round. La, la, la, la, la, la. What?

What? I'm hooked already. I'm hooked. I'm putting this on my list. Maths makes the world go round. That is. Seven times seven is 49. Long division.

I. La, la, la, la. Maths makes the world go round. That is until she hires escort Michael to help her in the intimacy department. He wants to keep things strictly professional, but when you mix business with pleasure in the most literal of senses, well, the possibilities are endless. Hot, heartwarming, sexy and tender.

We know you'll love this best-selling book. Well, I think we've found your summer reading, Carwin. Report back to us in the new year, please. Yes, please. The kiss quotient.

The kiss quotient. Should we be talking about books more on air? There's so much book content. Booktop is huge. We bloody fall over ourselves to talk about

television shows and movies, don't we? We're not giving books the love they deserve. Well, maybe in 2023 we could do the Fletch Vaughan and Hayley Book Club. I think we should. That's a great idea. Great idea.

Except I can't read. You haven't read a book all year. I only need an audiobook subscription. Oh, you will. I could listen to an audiobook. You could listen to an audiobook. Podcast not included. No.

Also, just reading the dedication on this book, I've found a copy of it quite quickly, haven't I? Yeah. Dedicated to my family. It's weird to write a sort of literal, literotica. Yeah, a horndog book and say this is to mum and dad. To mummy and daddy. Play ZM's Fletch, Vaughan and Hayley.

Well, ACC, at the end of the year, they do this. They release the claims for the year. Accident Compensation Corporation. Yes. Not the cricket commentators. Not the cricket commentators, no. The number one spot for injuries in New Zealand, where do you think it is?

Vaughan Smith. Sorry, I rang the hot person bell. I rang the hot person bell, which is the hot person bell. And I immediately looked. And you snapped your neck up so quick you may have needed an ACC climb. I don't think we need to admit that we have a hot person bell, that we ding every time a hot person walks past. That's a little secret for anyone that listens to the show. It's also the long-time listener first-time caller bell.

Same bell. If somebody calls her and they're like, hi, I'm a long-time listener first-time caller, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Multiple dings. Hot person, one ding. They've actually shut off the walkway for the Christmas holiday, so we're not getting no hot lawyers today.

Damn it. Goddamn shame. Real damn shame. Where do you think the number one place for, what are you doing? Packing your bag? I'm using my knife. You buzzed in. Where do you think the number one place for injuries in are you doing? Packing your bag. I'm using my knife. You buzzed in. Where do you think the number one place for injuries in New Zealand is?

The region. Genital. Genital. Region. Region of New Zealand. Ah. Probably Auckland, because we're It's where the most penises are

Most penises Yeah, I mean, it's gotta be Auckland Because Auckland's like where a third of the country lives Okay, it's also not penis Because 39% of ACC claims are for falls That's number one Oh, Nanny's had a fall Nanny's had a fall

Jesus You've had a fall My man had a fall My man had a fall this year She like broke two ribs Yeah, that's broke two ribs and got an internal contusion. She was pissed off. That's what she said when I called. That's how you die.

Nah, she bounced, she told me. She bounced. I was like, Jesus, man. She's like, yeah, well, I hit hard. I bounced. But yeah, broke a couple of ribs. Well, the number one region for ACC claims is Otago. And it would be because it is the adventure capital of New Zealand,

the ski fields. Oh, they're drunk students. And drunk students. How many bungee incidents? Oh, no, no. I think it would be more your ski field and your, you know, getting out there in nature. Mountain biking, yeah, biking.

1,746 injury claims lodged by tourists this year was just 189 in 2021. Holy moly. Because it would have been what the tail end of no tourists. And maybe the odd Australian

maybe? Yeah. End of last year. But they don't get ACC. I think Australians do, don't they? Right. Or do they get...

But internationals don't, do they? No, internationals don't. Are we allowed to call them internationals? So, people of the Orient? Is that better?

Is that better? No, it's not. I think you're a little off there. Other claims coming into summer, from July 1st, 2021 to June 30, 2022, there were 27,500 claims for water-related injuries. So Kiwis absolutely hurting themselves on the water. Fishing, surfing and swimming. Active claims.

How do you put yourself fishing? Costing $81 million. Maybe you hook your eyeball. Or you get swept off the rocks or you fall on the slippery rocks. Jesus. Please don't get swept off the rocks this summer. Yeah, no. That shit's, every time I see someone down there and it's rough weather,

I'm like, oh my God. We all remember how Lionel left Shorten Street. We did. Yes. He was standing on top of his muffin wagon on top of the rocks. And a wave got him. Very peculiar. But then he came back to the street, didn't he, last year?

I saw, I literally saw the actor last night. John Lee. Yeah, and I was talking to him about Lionel getting swept off the rocks. Oh, my God. Give it a rest. It's been 25 years. I know, you could tell he was getting swept off the rocks. Oh, my God. Give it a rest. It's been 25 years. You could tell he was not stoked with the conversation.

But no, he came back. It was in the background of the 21st. Yeah, and he was in it this year. Was he? He was a marriage celebrant for Desi and Damo. Was he? Yeah. And there's a scene and Chris Warner goes, wait, isn't that?

Because that's what Chris Warner did. Because Lionel's got amnes? Because that's what Chris Warner did in the... Because Lionel's got amnesia. That's what Chris Warner did in the 21st year thing. He's like, wait, is that? Yeah. Lionel, man. Don't get swept off the rocks. It all comes back to Sean Astrid, baby.

Play ZM's Fletch, Vaughn and Hayley. Fletch, Vaughn and Hayley Silly little poe Silly little poe It is so silly, silly, silly That the silly little poe Silly Little Pole It is so silly, silly, silly That the silly little pole Silly Little Pole Silly Little Pole

Silly Little Pole Silly Little Pole Well, today's Silly Little Pole with the 1st of January, 2023. Fast approaching. It is fast approaching. What are we, like, nine days, ten days away from New Year's? Oh, I thought you said ten days away from Christmas. I was like, nah,

it's on Sunday. Yeah. Hey, weather's looking good. Yes, it is. Did you see it's turning around the country? That's good. For Sunday. I want to see if New Plymouth is going to be nice, because I want to fly my remote control plane. Is that what mummy's giving you? Oh, I hope so.

Are you listening, mummy? You know, I saw someone flying a kite precariously close to power lines yesterday. Oh, it's temporary Kiwi. Because they don't have the ads anymore. Remember going into Christmas, there was always the ads, if you're flying a kite, because no one flies a kite. No one does kites anymore. But they were so close to power lines.

What day is Christmas? Sunday. Oh, yeah, it's looking pearler. Sunday, Monday in New Plymouth anyway. Oh, beauty. I'm going to check for the stint while we're at it. That's where I'm speeding to Chrissie. It's just down the road.

This is great news. This is great news. Sunday, thunder. Oh, right. But Monday, sunny. That's all right. I'll take Monday. I'll take Monday.

There you go. Well, that's But Monday, sunny. Okay. I'll take Monday. I'll take Monday. There you go. Well, that's good. Good news. Today, our silly little poll is looking at New Year's resolutions. Yeah, but now I want to check where I'm going for Christmas. No, we all did it. It's not fair if everyone doesn't get to Sunday. A minute ago, you could have literally done it.

Sunny with a little bit of cloud. Perfect. Oh, that's good. Perfect. Perfect. Absolutely perfect. So, silly little poll, which isn't meat related today. That makes me a little bit sad.

But New Year's resolutions, yay or nay, 81% said nah. Not for me. 81%. 81%. 19% says yes and that's the end. It's a lot more than I thought. I sort of loosely make some visions for the year.

Are you chucking together a vision board? A small vision. Chucking together a vision board. I don't realise it into a board, but there's a small board in my mind. What things are on your vision board for next year? I'm going to apologise less.

Okay. I'm a real sorry, but can I? Right. I'm sorry. Like someone walks into me, I go, sorry. You should be sorry.

You apologize to me. Okay. We're going to get scary next year. Right. Okay. And also, I want to buy like a Tesla. I don't know if you're joking.

I just want to apologize less for existing and also get a Tesla Those are fuel bills Really getting to you Yeah Yeah right I haven't thought about next year This year's

I've just been the perfect specimen So it's hard I think I need to get A better relationship with sleep And less booze I was about to say With God I was like you do

I need a better relationship With God I just haven't picked Which one yet with God. I was like, you do. I need a better relationship with God. I just haven't picked which one yet. Yeah. I was thinking ancient Roman gods. Wow. Because you love a bathhouse, don't you? Love a bathhouse.

Love a vomitorium, love a bathhouse. Can we all do a new religion? I might do Baha'i. Well, you've talked about that before. I know. That's pretty peaceful. I'm fine. I'm fine.

I'm good. No, you're not fine. You're a know. They're pretty peaceful. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm good. No, you're not fine. You're a heathen. You need a bit of Buddhism. You need a bit of Buddhism. Yeah, you need to calm down. I can really see you checking in with Buddha. I could do some water statue features in the backyard.

No, you're not allowed to have them. Why? Because that's a deity. You can't have that in your garden. I've imported all those from Thailand. I know. I've got a container coming. The Thai people that in your garden. I've imported all those from Thailand. I know. I've got a container coming. The Thai people don't like it.

Oh, no. I've got a Thai container sale happening in March. Sell it off to King's Plant Bar. Cancelled. Oh, my God. Cancelled. Okay. Courtney says, if you don't set goals, you can't fail.

Words to live by. Exactly. How does every failure start? By trying. Done. Vaughan's favourite thing to say to Ross Boss in the office is, see, this is why you don't try.

This is what happens. When we try things. Which always goes down well. Amy says, I make 52 each year. It works out to about one a week. It makes you feel so much better about yourself saying, I achieved 22 of 52 versus zero of one.

Oh, so each week set a little goal. That's a big failure rate, though. That's 50% failure. Don't bring that up. Yeah, but she said if you don't even achieve the one, that's 100% failure. Yeah, true. I kind of get that, but at the same time,

I couldn't come up with 52. Yeah, I feel like by halfway through the list, you'd be really stretching. You'd be just topping it up. Like, pat four cats this week. Yeah. Well, you don't know where. You'd be topping it up. Like, pat four cats this week. Yeah. Well, you don't know where those cats have been. They might not.

I don't even know if I could pat four cats in a week. I can pat my cat. That's one cat. Maybe I'd come around and visit you and pat your cat. I've got two cats. Okay, so I could do it. So that's four. But it's a lot of travel.

So the carbon footprint of this cat patting thing is really out of hand. Unless you take Hayley's Tesla. I can't have my Tesla. I've worked hard for it. I also just keyword searched in my notes app, goals. Because I know, I was like, I'm pretty sure I've made some goals. And the only goal in it is to buy a pair of leather pants. Have you?

No. You've got to get that dumper and a pair of leather pants. Oh, my God. It'll pop off. It'll pop off. I don't know if leather pants can contain this dumper. No, if anything can, it's the skin of another animal. Okay.

Rebecca says, my new year's resolution every year is to fold the washing as I get it off the line. It lasts about a week. That is good laundry. When you're folding it off, you pull it off the thing and you're folding it as you go. You better fold it before you put it away.

So you've got to transport the folding. Transport the folding. Put it in the basket. Transport it in the folding. You take it off the line, fold it, put it in the basket. I dump it in a basket, dump it on my bed. So do I. Yeah.

So do I. Vicky says, I prefer to say it's going to be the year of something. That way it's not hard to. I said that this year. The year of. The year of the hair. Oh, that's right. And you thickened up the hair. Thickened up the hair. So there you go, that's a good

take on it as well. Brittany says, I break them within the first week or two, so I've stopped and I don't bother. Sophie says, I love them, but I've never kept one. If you want to change something, change it then and there only... Change it then and there, saying I'm going to do it only from January 1st. It's unsustainable.

Yeah. You never need a new year to start good habits. Wake up and start the new day with good habits, says Shannon. That sounds like she's probably got a quota day, doesn't it? A motivational quota day. Yeah, I sort of want Shannon to shut up. So this is from the only person who always thinks this but never executes it. Yeah, right.

Yeah. Well, there you go. New year, new you. There's a good chance soon and even in the future that the person you're talking to on Tinder may not actually be a human. How? It could just be artificial intelligence. Artificial intelligence. Artificial intelligence. Artificial intelligence. Artificial intelligence.

Artificial intelligence. So I don't know if you guys have seen, but this month, and you may have seen this on TikTok, a lot of people talking about this online, chat GTP. No, I haven't. So you can go. You've got to register and log in. I thought you could just go to the site and, like,

just have a play with it. You've got to, like, log in and stuff. It's described as a revolutionary chatbot that uses conversational artificial intelligence to interact with customers, answer their queries and do whatever. I always, the first thing I say when I get a bot on like a website

is I need to talk to a human. Same. And then they put you to a human. Same. I'm like, I'm not dealing with you, Chandra. Yeah. So people have already used this to further their dating game on Tinder. So for example, say I match with you on Tinder.

We match. Because I'm a 10 out of 10. Obviously you're a 10 out of 10. We're two 10s, so it makes sense. I see in your profile that you're a marcher. Oh, man. I would put that in my profile, wouldn't I? So then I would say to the chat GPT AI bot,

I would say, give me an opening line for Tinder for a girl who's into marching. And what would they say? And it would do one. It would come up with one. Because that is what Tinder users are doing. And then they're copying and pasting the responses into the first messages in their conversation. And apparently it's working for them.

TikTok is full of people saying, I'm doing this and it's working. Somebody said, generate a poem for a six-foot woman. So also me. Also you. And yeah, apparently it really charmed her and she loved it. Saying,

no one's ever written me a poem before. Somebody was like, give me an opening message for someone who's into weightlifting. Because they were a weightlifter in their profile. Gainsborough, Gainsborough.

Gainsborough. And then, so any question you have, like this chat AI is so insanely intelligent. But then you're going to go on a date with this person thinking that they are some kind of poet or like lyrical genius

or really clever-witted person, and they're not. They'll just have their phone under the table on the date and they'll be messaging the AI robot. Yeah, so my family, we grew up in Wellington. Okay, jokes about Wellington. Can't beat it on a good day. They'll be like, oh, my God. That's what they say. It may have taken you like 20 more seconds than that.

Oh, so I was talking about Wellington 10 minutes ago, but that's all right. Yeah. This is bizarre. But this is like the way the future's going. Political speeches. Yeah. You could literally, and also homework.

Like people are already doing essay, like write me an essay or whatever on whatever subject for a first year university student level. Would it be different every time? No, it would spit out the same thing, and then you're going to get done for plagiarism. Yeah, I don't know. But then the plagiarism software that universities use,

don't they just scour the internet like Wikipedia articles? Yeah, for clumps of words, right? And then, so if it's an AI chatbot, would the AI chatbot be sourcing from the same places? Or would it then be rewriting it? Or would you then say to the AI program, rewrite this so that it's different than Wikipedia? God, I got so good at that at high school, eh?

Just changing. Popping paste Wikipedia and then just like sentence structure, a little bit of this word here. They knew though. Or put the comma here. They knew. No, they didn't. They thought I was very smart.

Really? Yeah. I mean, private school and also probably. Oh, I know. Honours in English. Yeah. Thanks, Wikipedia. Play.

ZDM's Fletch, Vaughan and Hayley. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah, blah. This is the Top Six. Hi. Hi. Hi. TikTok, Fletch just yelled at himself.

It was weird that he yelled at himself, not somebody else. And that's kind of thrown, everybody's been thrown a little bit. It was a joke. It was good, eh? He turned off the mic and yelled, damn it, Fletch. Damn it, Fletch. And turned the mic back on. We'll just feel like

mum is arguing with mum. I love these. Always striving to be better. Yeah. You know? Thank you. Strives for perfection. TikTok is going,

if you want to know why you're seeing something on TikTok, they are now willing to tell you. Because it's always been a big secret and everyone's been like,

how do you know? Yeah. How do you know I'm listening? One of the best that there's ever been. Although the US is still looking at banning it. Still. Yeah. It's like a huge threat to security.

Oh, really? The Chinese government can manipulate. Because it's a Chinese company. They can manipulate what you see. And so they can put more disinformation like anti-vax stuff or anti-government stuff on. Anti-US stuff. I don't get any of that. I've got, my first thing is an ad for Schweppes. Yeah, but that's the Chinese government trying to get you to buy Schweppes. They own Schweppes, yeah, they own Schweppes.

I'm just going to see what my one is. Some Pilates. Some coasters I have been thinking about. They know. Mine's this young man putting waffles on his tummy. Why? I think he's trying to make it look like his abs. Me and the multiverse.

Oh, and then he AIs it. He put waffles on his tummy and then AIs his... into a cartoon form. And it gives him abs. And it gives him abs. That's pretty funny. Oh, wow. Yeah, that's pretty clever.

Do you want abs, do you? No, I'm not. Well, I mean, who doesn't? But I'm not fast enough. I'm not willing to put in the work for them. Why does TikTok say it showed you that video? I don't know. Have you been looking up how to get abs fast?

How to get abs pre-Christmas? Before New Year's. Or for at least one photo. Yeah. So I've got the top six reasons you're seeing that thing you're seeing on TikTok. Okay. Number six, you're seeing a hot Brazilian dancing because you Googled to see how Brazil was doing in the Football World Cup.

Oh, that would explain it, of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Remember you were like that? I did look over your shoulder and think, my gosh, this woman. Yeah, but you were Googling. Because I'm a huge fan of Brazilian football. Yeah, you were Googling Brazilian football. Why is it showing you models on the beach?

Because it's Brazil. They're synonymous. They're Brazilian. Okay, yeah, right. Makes sense. And she's body painted with a Brazilian football shirt. Of course. Doesn't have to be a she.

That's right. She wasn't even wearing any clothes. Number five on the list of the top six reasons you're seeing that thing on TikTok. You're seeing a hot Ukrainian travelling because you donated to the war relief. Of course you did. Of course. Yeah. Yeah, that'd be why.

Yeah. You wouldn't think that your feed would be so inundated, though, with the... Well, no, no, no. It's curated. Yeah. It's curated. It's taken all of these things. Obviously, I love football, number six.

I love... Charity. Supporting, you know, a charitable situation. And at the moment, I would say to donate to the Ukrainian war relief. Yeah. Number four on the list of the top six reasons you're seeing that thing you're seeing on TikTok, you're seeing a Hawaiian modelling new togs on the beach in Hawaii

because you Googled those hotels in Hawaii because you thought you might like to stay in Hawaii next year. Right. Yeah. You're getting a lot of models on TikTok. I'm not saying this isn't my TikTok. I'm just saying this is... In general.

Right. In general. Okay. But I mean, I loved it. I love Waikiki. What a wonderful place to go for a... It's beautiful. You know, get away from New Zealand winter for a little Hawaii vacay.

Great food, yeah. Hello, Cheesecake Factory. You don't go to Hawaii and go to a Cheesecake Factory. Oh, yeah, you do. Bourne does. Bourne does. I love the cheesecake factory. It's ridiculous.

Number three on the list of the top six reasons you're seeing what you're seeing on TikTok. You're seeing a hot piece of Spanish hotness doing a sexy dance because you did that assignment in school on Spanish dictator Francisco Franco. Remember? Yeah. It was a dictator from 1936 and his death in 1975. Weird, because you would have done that in the 90s. Yeah, but so my Google talks to Encarta, 95.

Oh, right. Does it? Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Top six reasons you're seeing that thing you're seeing on TikTok, because they're explaining, their algorithm will tell you why you're seeing it.

You're seeing some of the best that New York has to offer doing a cute dance in the snow and not wearing nearly enough clothing. Because, of course, you followed with fascination this year the direct air New Zealand flights from Auckland to New York. Of course, yeah, that's why you're seeing that. Yeah, but I followed those flights and I'm not seeing topless models in the snow. Yeah, I'm getting like best Auckland to New York. Of course. Yeah, that's why you're seeing that. Yeah. But I followed those flights and I'm not seeing topless models in the snow. Yeah, I'm getting like best food in New York.

Yeah. Hotels and stuff. So weird that you're getting that. Weird. Yeah. And you were looking to go to New York in the summer. Why is she in the snow? I'm beginning to think that

they're right about the Chinese government. They're trying to get us in trouble. They're trying to get us in trouble. They're trying to get us in trouble. With your wife. And then that causes destabilisation. Because she's half Chinese. She's of Chinese descent. They want her back.

They want her back. They want her back. They can't have her. Okay. And number one on the list of the top six reasons you're seeing what you're seeing on TikTok, you're seeing an Italian beauty stretched out on the beaches of Sicily because you Googled to see where White Lotus Season 2 was filmed. Of course.

Of course, of course. Of course. I mean, I was Googling that too, but all I'm getting is ads for hotels. Yeah, same. And the Sicilian food and the beautiful landscape. Yeah, show me the Explore page of your Instagram. Go on. Absolutely not.

It's 7am, we're short on time. There is no denying that 2022, or the end of at least, was the year of the Negroni Spagliato. It was Negroni Spagliato. Yeah. And that is because of the power of TikTok. That interview that

what's their name? The actress from the actor from House of the Dragon. Yes. That went viral and that was because of TikTok. And that's what set Negroni Spagliato ablaze. Yeah.

And so a beverage consultant and a bartender, his name is Tyler Zielinski, he is chiming in on what the 2023 booze trends can be, what we're going to be drinking. Can you trend that? Can you like forecast that kind of stuff? Well, you can based on like, yeah, like what kind of things are popping up now on social media,

where are people kind of heading? Now that we've had the Negroni Spagliato, it's kind of opened up a whole new world. Right, so you're people more open to cocktails and... Yeah. Right. So he says his bet is on the nostalgic, crowd-pleasing drinks,

similar to like drinks like the Pina colada or spritzers. He says that he hopes that the Negroni Spagliato calms down. He believes that the future. What a spoiled sport. I know. Did we talk about this in the video of Reese Witherspoon and she thinks it's disgusting? And so does Laura D.

It's quite bitter. Very bitter. The Negroni Spagliato. That's the Campari. bitter. Very bitter. The Negroni Spagliato. That's the Campari. Yeah. No, but the Negroni Spagliato with Prosecco, the Prosecco lightens in Sweden. It does, it lightens in Sweden.

Now a traditional Negroni, like a proper Negroni, can have a little bit of taste to it, but if it's sweet, I'll drink it too fast. So he said that in 2022, rum sales in the UK outsold whiskey for the first time, becoming a one billion pound market. Ugh, rum! It's the third largest after gin and vodka. A white rum in like a mojito is delicious.

Love a white rum. I don't mind a spiced dark rum, you know, with some like ginger ale and mint and lime and that kind of stuff. Now we're talking. Now we're talking. So he thinks that the rum cocktails, daiquiris, mojitos, rum and tonics. Rum and tonic? No, no, no. I'm going to see you

up rice. Not when you've got gin and vodka. Rum and tonic? No. I don't mind a whiskey and tonic. You used to pound the rum. Oh yeah, but no more. You used to pound the rum. Dude, this dude was a rum and coca. When we first set up work together,

I know, I know. 18, nearly 19 years ago, he was a Bundaberg or a Mount Gay bottle of rum and a couple of bottles of Diet Coke. And he was a way laugher. Who was I? This is a Prosecco King. I know.

Well, my tastes have certainly gotten finer. Slightly finer. I know. I couldn't even drink a rum and coke now. Couldn't you? Yuck. Yeah. Well, on the other side of things.

Love a white rum. Yeah, I don't mind a rum. Rum. In a cocktail? Making me crazy. Oh, it's from your crazy one. Yeah, the first time I drank rum, I must have been like, let's say 18. The illegal drinking age. your crazy one. Yeah, the first time I drank rum, I must have been like, let's say 18. Illegal

drinking age. Yeah, and I remember my father came and picked me up and I was sitting outside Helen Stein's on Lambton Quay. Jesus, this is painting a picture. How I got there. Good lord knows. I'm pretty sure I called him from a phone booth and he found me. Rum making me crazy.

How was that ride back to Eastbourne? I couldn't bloody tell you. That's a long drive back to Eastbourne. How long were you waiting outside Hallenstein's? Oh my God.

Aren't dads sweet? A call from his boo's daughter I don't know Hallenstein's. Oh my God. Whereabouts babe? Lambden Quay. Jesus only though

a drive there would have just been terrifying that he was going to get there and you weren't there anymore. Then he arrives to their flagship store on Lambden Quay. Well, I'll just stay put. A drive there would have just been terrifying that he was going to get there and you weren't there anymore. Then he arrives to their flagship store on Lambton Quay. Yeah, it's a bloody good store. He was sitting there. Still is a great store. It's still a great store, yeah.

He also says there's going to be a huge rise of low alcohol drinks. Your low alcohol wines, your low alcohol beers, even your 0% wines and stuff. Even at the supermarkets you see the boxes of Powell's 0%. Yeah, yeah. Those are quite nice. Those are quite nice. They're real nice.

Add vodka and you get yourself a drink. You get a great drink. For God's sake. Yeah, or rum. Yeah, true. Rum and 0% Powell's. Play it. CDM's Fletch, Vaughan and Hayley.

Fletch, Vaughan and Hayley's memorable moments. A look at some of the memorable moments of 2022 and the second, the penultimate show of the year. Yeah, headlines, news stories. That's what we're doing today. Our favourite ones. Thank you to Shit You Should Care About for sharing this on Instagram. They got it off Paul Ferry on Twitter.

So they stole Paul's work and we'll steal their work of stealing Paul's work. Now we also welcome anybody else. Stealing this. To steal our work of stealing their work of stealing Paul's work. It's cyclical, isn't it? It is. It's how it works, yeah. It is.

It's the internet. I love it. Paul's the top dog. Oh, my God. I just saw my favourite one of the year. I think we've talked about 80% of these, eh? Some of these are wild. Do you have a dramatic news sting?

I just thought of this. Just simply last minute. Oh, I've worn that some year. Now, hang on. On demand. Comments are select all. What would I be searching for? News sting. Yeah. News sting. On demand. Comments are select all. What would I be searching for? News sting.

Yeah. News sting. Stand by. Stand by. What have we got? We've got a breaking news sting. God, look at him editing on the fly. If only you could see this.

It's quite long. It's quite long. It's quite long. Yeah, that is quite long. Do you like... I've got a couple of alternatives. Yeah. Also, a bit long. Quite long.

We just want the... Yeah, that's better. Oh, that's it? Yeah, that's it. Okay, let me drag that in. All right. Okay, let me drag that in. All right. Okay. Landing tonight's bulletin.

Stop. Top. No. Okay, and again, it's all right. We're live. These are actual headlines. Our favourite from the year. Thanks to Paul.

Good evening. Top scientist admits space telescope image actually a slice of chorizo. That was my favourite. That was so good. Everyone's like, wow, that planet's incredible. It's burning. Red and bits of white.

Bits of peppercorn. Delicious chorizo. That planet's got a couple of chunks of peppercorn in it. Good evening. Man who paid $2.9 million for NFT of Jack Dorsey's first tweet set to lose almost $2.9 million. Oh, God.

I just don't get NFTs. I never have. Like, you can literally copy it. Why would you pay that much money? What is fungible? What is fungible? Good evening. A young monkey that was flushed down toilet, fed cocaine, now has a boyfriend.

I need a follow up to that story. Wait, hang on. How is the monkey? Monkey that was flushed down toilet and fed cocaine now has a boyfriend. Where is that happening? Monkey finds love, New York Post. A pet monkey that was flushed in the toilet and was fed cocaine

named Millie endured years of abuse. Oh, that's not right. This was in the United Kingdom that this happened. Are the boyfriend and Millie still together? Yeah, they are. I was, yeah, that's sad now

because I was imagining the monkey flushed itself down the toilet. Like it was doing a poo and I was imagining the monkey flushed itself down the toilet. Like it was doing a poo and then it flushed but its tail was in the toilet. Oh, yeah. Good evening. 10,000 bees joined protest in Chile. Seven police officers stung. Good evening.

Man wins legal right to be boring at work. That's right. He didn't want to go to the work events. He got laid off because he wouldn't socialise, but then they said you can't actually do that. Good evening, chess world rocked by rumours of anal beads and artificial intelligence. So good.

Wild stories. Yeah. That was the guy who kept quitting chess matches and he said, I'm not playing chess against that guy because he's got a vibrating thing up his bum and it's telling him where to move and a computer's telling him. Yeah, like four...

Would be... What's a chess move? Move the horse to... The white one. The white square. To the white M9. That's the bugger. Yeah.

Good evening. Okay. Good evening. Angry minion with no anus, not related to humans after all, scientists conclude. I don't know what that is. It's a little, I remember reading this story, it's like a little, like...

Amoeba, like a single cell sort of situation. Yeah, like a really, under a microscope, and it looks like a... A minion. An angry minion, yeah. No anus. No anus. Good evening. Started out as a fish. How did it end up like this? Good evening Calgary sculpture

Now less likely To burn clothing And it now accepts Text messages What? This was a curved Reflective sculpture Do you remember

When that building in London Was curved perfectly And at the time of the year It would bounce off And it was like Melting cars Yeah Calgary did one as well Do you remember when that building in London was curved perfectly and at the time of the year it would bounce off and it was like melting cars? Yeah. Calgary did one as well.

Good evening. Seal breaks into New Zealand home, traumatises cat and hangs out on couch. I remember that story. Good evening. Perth Museum naming poll chooses Perth Museum. Good evening, Perth Museum naming poll chooses Perth Museum. Good evening, house prices soar in village set to disappear under the sea in the next 30 years. Oh no. Good evening, how to murder your husband writer guilty of murdering her husband.

Yes. Guilty of murdering her husband. Good evening. Otter trashes couple's family home, is sick on the carpet and falls asleep in their bed. You have to say, I'm Vaughn Smith. I'm Vaughn Smith. And that was 2022. Yes.

Play ZM's Fletch Vaughan and Hayley. Play ZM. I can't talk. I'll do it. Jesus, a sexy wheelbarrow in again to save the day. To lighten the load. You are about to be the happiest. I know.

The happiest little orphan. This is great news. There is a high tea. There is a high tea coming to Auckland and it's minions themed. Borry time! Have you seen the latest minions yet? I still haven't.

You still haven't seen the latest minions? I still haven't. I haven't seen any of them. Oh my god. I think you'd like it. Who doesn't like minions, right? They're so adorable. I'll tell you who loves it. Who doesn't like Minions, right? They're so adorable. I'll tell you who loves them. Aunties on Facebook sharing Minion memes.

Oh, I love it. I love it. They tried to ruin it, but Illumination was just like, no. I feel like people look at me when my phone's on always on display and see my Minions wallpaper. That, by the way, Minions for my birthday drew a picture of me in the radio studio with my cat. Yeah, it's cute.

And my headphones on. Yeah. And a cake. And a Minion. And Minions are snuggling me. Oh, God, he loves them. It's super cute. Anyway, it's super cute.

What does this entail, the Minions party? Minions high tea, let me read you. Kids will enjoy savoury treats, including Kevin's stash of blue and yellow popcorn, corn panna cotta with blue corn crisps. There's a lot of corn. Because it's yellow. Blueberry and banana scones,

bellow your egg sandwiches, and a piñata peanut butter and jam sandwich all designed by the hotel's executive pastry chef. Whereabouts is this happening? The Quartus. They specialise in a themed high tea.

They know a high tea, don't they? They know a high tea. Sweet options includes Carl's favourite chocolate lollipops. That's you. Mel's lemon macaroons, groovy banana cupcakes, Stuart's blueberry and banana ice cream, and Bob's surprise oatmeal cookie. Is there an R18?

Because you just said that's a kid's menu. Yeah. Adults will enjoy the hotel's summer high tea. Aw. You don't get the... You don't get the minions. You just get the usual. Meow.

Meow. You could just pay the children's fees. No, I don't want these bloody yappy children around. I think you should. $75 per adult includes summer high tea and premium sparkling wine. Oh, okay. So you could go and just... Blue wine?

Yeah. But then children $69 including Minions inspired high tea, a welcome drink, Minions paint with water activity book, and a Minions soft plush toy. You want the kids one? You want the kids one. But it's like... Will there be Minions there?

Scroll down. Plus, win a Minions sleepover. What's a Minions sleepover? As part of the exclusive Minions high tea in January, we've got a very special giveaway where one lucky family will win a Minions sleepover. The prize includes accommodation for two adults through children, family parking, Minions, then gift pack.

Your sleepover gift pack will include sleepover essentials, toothbrushes, T-shirts, activities, books, toys, and more. All to take home the next morning. Wake up and be our guests at the Minion High Tea. So you're going to want that. The people that will go to this, what are they going to be like? Well, they'll be kids. Yeah, but like the adults.

Or weirdos. Kids or just real weird dudes. Kids. People with kids or just real weird dudes? Kids. People with kids or just real weirdos? Play. ZM's Fletchvorn and Hayley. Fletchvorn and Hayley's Box of Lazy. It's our second to last show of the week.

We reach into the Box of Lazy. Who yawned made me yawn? Asking you to do all the work we asked you on Instagram, a lazy question box. What's your most embarrassing moment of the year? That's what we're dealing with today. I'm trying to think if I've been really embarrassed. I don't embarrass easily.

What about the lazy hair story? That's still embarrassing you all this time. She forgot my bum. She forgot my bum hole. Never forget the bum hole. And you accidentally told the entire country that. Told the entire country. And how many people on TikTok?

That was up there, wasn't it? Yeah, what's the current count on that, Carwing? Can we get a current count on the... On the bum hole story? The laser butt hole story? Tell you what, since I did it, though, the laser place has never forgotten again. Yeah.

Well, they don't want to be shamed on TikTok and public radio. Probably. How many people are engaged in the tale of my butthole?

We've posted a few TikToks, you know, I'm just going to scroll down. Yeah, scroll down. Follow us on TikTok. We'll come back.

F-E-H-Z-M. Thank you. Oh, beautiful plug there for the socials. Beautiful plug for the socials. Still on the social media desk in some regards. Straddling both. In fact, Fletch, you were going to give $1,000 to our 100th TikTok follower this morning.

What? What if it's personal money? That is not happening. That is an absolute... You cannot say that. Oh, my God. I know. What a generous man.

You cannot say that. His generosity is rooted directly to the fact of when he used to run the orphanage. Yeah, exactly. Stop it. Stop what, Mr. Fletcher? Stop it. Barely started. Linda told me that my voices aren't funny, so.

Linda, you sent a message. You sent a text to the studio, Linda, and you've hurt Hayley's feelings. You said really nice things, and then you just said a note for Hayley, you're not funny. Yeah, your put-on voices are not funny, just very annoying. I personally think it's good that Linda's grounding you because you're getting a bit carried away. It's good to be humbled.

It's good to be humbled. If I could quickly touch on this before the most embarrassing moments of the year, big updates on The Orphans. Oh, really? Big updates on The Orphans, and I really? Big updates on The Orphans. And I'm just thinking this might have a happy ending tomorrow on the show. Oh, fantastic. So do join us. Do join us for the last show of the year.

Now, let's delve into the embarrassing moments of the year. Yep. Let's do it. Alyssa. Oh, anonymous, I mean. Let's come back to that. No, this is all right. Getting engaged with only my bikini bottoms on for pants

while also his family and mine watched in secret from the sand dunes. He kept telling me to wear something nice to the beach and I couldn't be bothered, so I was there in my bikini bottoms. Well, that's on you. He told you. You know if your boyfriend says, no, get a bit dressed up. No, maybe pop some trousers on. He's about to propose.

My most embarrassing moment was trying to stealthily steal half a bottle of wine from Lone Star. You can't do that. Knocked it off the chair, smashed the top, locked eyes with the bartender. He shrugged his shoulders and walked away with the bottle and a glass. And I walked away with a bottle and a glass, still drunk. Who could have swallowed glass shards, you silly bugger?

God, I remember being 18, 19 years old and coming home from town and opening up my handbag. You'd be like, what's this? It would always be a wine glass. It had like the bar's name on it. Shot glasses. Shot glasses were our trophies. And that's when the loaded hog went under.

Yeah, the loaded hog. Oh, I got a few of those loaded hogs. The loaded hog. Is there a meme of the loaded hog this week? Wow. Yeah, tagged in. One of Sade's friends said it's your old hunting ground. Oh, dear.

Tell you what, that got a few likes too. People really loved the Loaded Hog being the hunting ground. Wasn't it the fecal matter salads that really put them under in Auckland? Yeah, I think it was. Do you remember that? I do. The fecal matter salads? I do.

Poop salad. Yeah. Not quite as popular as their Caesar salad. No. No. Embarrassing moments of the year. I left a box of condoms in my son's preschool bag

for the preschool teachers to find. Well, at least they know they're not getting any more students from you. Yeah, that's true. Not my moment, but my mate went to work yesterday without her skirt on. Lucky her top covered her bits.

She walked out of the house without a skirt on. Jesus. I mean, it's that time of the year. You're tired. You make silly mistakes. We're just crawling to the end, aren't we? My embarrassing moment, I was

getting my meow waxed and one of the they said it, not me. They literally said it. Did they use the word or just the cat? They used the cat emoji and the word meow in brackets. But why would they use the cat instead? I was getting my meow

waxed and one of the strips scared me so much that I farted loudly straight on the person doing it. That would happen a lot, right? Yeah, because you're

so like clenched and then when it happens you do go like Don't they say if you're getting that area lasered you've got to be really careful

because if you let one out it could ignite it. Is that a thing? I don't think so. It is, it's a thing. I don't think so. It is. It's a thing. I don't think so. It is. Boof.

No, because it's not shooting sparks at you. It's not shooting flames. I'm Googling to see if this is a thing. Carry on. Can you read out what you're Googling? If you fart while getting your butthole lasered. I said, are farts during laser hair removal bad? A story from 2016 in November on the Washington Post.

A Japanese woman passed gas during laser surgery. She was badly burned. Laser surgery? Okay, that's laser surgery. Yeah, no, because when you have laser surgery, that is sparking. Cauterizing, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, God, I've been cauterized.

That was weird. Yeah, apparently it does. Yeah, no. Okay, well, carry on. 1.5 million people have watched Hayley's laser story across TikTok, Facebook and Instagram. About the time they forgot the butt. Tomorrow, do we need a butthole update?

Okay. Somebody else said, my embarrassing moment of 2020. 1.5 million people. Absurd. It's good. Twisted my ankle in front of a client

and headbutted the door as I hit the ground. Oh, then it makes such a loud noise. Grape, fruit-sized, I had a vasectomy

and the doctor stabbed my testicle with an anaesthetic needle. When are you getting a vasectomy? I don't know. He keeps putting it off. It'll be,

I'm not going to tell you. I'll just come to work one day walking like a cowboy being like, it's happened. Stabbed my testicle with an anesthetic needle. Two months of a grapefruit-sized testy that everyone at the practice knew about. Oh, my God. And asked how it was going. How's your grapefruit, Barry?

You'd be able to see that through your slim jeans, wouldn't you? Oh, my God, stop looking. Oh, God, you wouldn't even wear slim jeans. I know, I was just having a little... Absolute pervert. Did you see her looking... At your crotch design. I was just trying to see how tight it is across your crotches.

If it was grapefruit size, you'd know about it. I left work to go for a lunchtime walk and my dress blew up in the wind. I was only wearing a thong underneath and I couldn't get the dress back down. Two smokers saw the whole thing. So there is an upside to smoking. Dog turned my camera on when I was getting changed. 150 people on Teams got a full frontal.

What? A full frontal. Yeah. Now, for apparently 40 years, the banks of Britain have been tracking the cost of the 12 days of Christmas. The song. Yeah, partridge in a pear tree, two turtle doves, three McDonald's vouchers, four Suzuki Swifts,

five indoor houseplants. Six. Turtle doves? No, the turtle. Turtles. Two turtle doves. Two turtle doves. Six Ninja Turtles.

Yeah. Two more than standard. This is, it's a bit like the Big Mac Index. Yeah, around the world. Around the world, yeah. They chart the price of the Big Mac and they say this is how much it costs there and then you compare it. So for 40 years they've kept a price of what

it would cost to buy everything in the 12 days of Christmas. Correct. And this year it was the third largest jump since PNC started tracking this 40 years ago. The third largest jump. There go all my gift ideas because I always base it on the 12 days of Christmas.

Yeah. All of my family has an aviary. They better have a bloody big aviary. Every year, more and more birds added. Do they break down each of the costs? $45,523.27 to do the whole 12 days of Christmas for your true love this year.

Wow. It's an increase of 10.5% from a year ago. How much, what's a partridge in a pear tree these days? They don't have the exact breakdown of it. Right. But they do, they do look into it. Turtle doves and French hens have both seen a double digit price increase. Okay.

This year, says Amanda Agati, chief investment officer at the PNC Bank. Because bird feed's gone up so much. Oh, God, of course, yeah. Because birds eat a lot of stuff that's grown in Russia and Ukraine. Yeah, right, your big grain exporter. Yeah, your big grains. You can buy quite a well-established pear tree for $149 at Mitre 10. Goodness, okay.

So that's not bad. But then you've still got to get the partridge and put it in there, don't you? Buy partridge. How much is a partridge? Oh, is this going to take me to partridge dealers, isn't it? What is a partridge?

Um, fat chicken? Is it a fat chicken? Because that's, we do have the Kiwi 12 Days of Christmas poo kicker in a ponga tree, isn't it? Yeah, way cheaper. Partridge in a pear tree. You bet poo kicker

is scrambling off the side of the road. Just grab a spade, yeah. It doesn't say in the song it's an alive poo keko, does it? No, no, no. You just slap a bloody... Partridge is a medium-sized galliform bird of several genera

distributed around the world. This is all enticing information. Golden rings are up 39%. Okay. Because people often seek shelter on precious metals when overall inflation is high. Yeah.

I've still only got one. One gold ring. Yeah. Okay. It's more than some. So then you've got your... Count my blessings. Yeah.

Your dancing ladies piping pipers and leaping lords. Sorry, how much are dancing ladies at the moment? Have they gone up as well? They've gone up 24% this year based on the salaries at the Philadelphia Ballet. Oh, they did ballet. Oh, I was thinking more fire cats. Oh, no, they're even more expensive. Right. They might see a they're even more expensive. Right.

They might see a reduction in price next year. How long do you need them for the performance? Because just for an hour, it might be cheaper than a... Well, you pay by the hour or all part thereof. Yeah, right, okay. You know, hour minimum. How much for a leaping lord? Well, the same amount.

They've gone up 24%. God. They've fallen to the dancing section. Oh, right. So you're getting someone from drama school, basically. Dancing ladies. A lot of leaping l someone from drama school, basically. Dancing ladies. A lot of leaping lords at drama school. Yeah.

They're leaping all around the place. The PNC Christmas Index has actually gone up significantly more than standard inflation. Right. Which is sitting at 7.1%, and this is 10.2%. This would have been great chat with Bad News Brad, economist. How are we supposed to afford it? All of these things. Now, there is good news.

The price of seven swans of swimming's unchanged again this year. It's a fantastic fuel. They've been the same for the last three years. They say this is due to a sign of waning consumer demand for swans. Because they're not inedible. They're not inedible. They're not like a goose Yeah I just tried to look up

How much a swan was I'm getting a lot of Swan plant advertising Cute Because you know Monarch butterflies You can buy a game A 34 inch

Game swan From hunting and fishing Or outdoor No that's a decoy Yeah that's a decoy Is that good enough? Well that was how you Would attract more swans

And then of course You made the swan call. Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! And they will come. It's a swan. Oh, my God, guys, there's swans coming. I can see them. They're everywhere.

Play ZM's Fletch Vaughn and Hayley. It's the best old Hayley's version. Woo! Songs sung with different lines. I wonder what Linda will think of this. Linda's not a fan of Haley. Linda wants me to keep my voices to myself.

If you've just tuned in, Linda Messager, not a fan of Haley's, and it's really got you, hasn't it? No, just a wee something about nothing to Haley. Your put-on voices are not funny, just very annoying. But she started it with good morning, I'm a huge fan of the show. What a delight.

I'm going to miss you. Delightfully entertaining. A small note for Hayley. You suck. Just look, nobody is, not everybody is going to like you. Just deal with it.

I'm not used to that. So tomorrow, we get a brand new Hayley's version to recap the year. Do you know what song you're doing it to? I do. It is not a current artist.

It's a classic? It's a classic. Okay. They were recently in the country. Okay. Huge artist. Okay. One of their biggest hits.

Okay, well, that'll be tomorrow on the show. Will we do it this time tomorrow? Can't wait. Do we know? Will we do it tomorrow? Is it Elvis? Oh, wow. that'll be tomorrow on the show. Will we do it this time tomorrow? Can't wait. Do we know? Will we do it tomorrow? Is it Elvis? Oh, wow. Prime time.

It's not Elvis. He dead. He dead. Yeah. What? No, he's not. We'll come back to this. He's not, though.

He's not. Him and Tupac have a house. In the desert. In Area 51. In Area 51. Trust me, they do. Yeah. So now we're going to take a look back at our favourite Hayley's versions of the year.

You've picked one. This is quite old. This was done a long time ago. Toledo's Big Energy. Yeah. And my one was Deep Nose Energy because it was around the time where we were ratting every day to come to work. That's right. You did.

You had to rat every day to come to work. Every day. Well, we did. We sent in a little ratty tat tat. And then you guys would have to go onto TVNZ to film and do another rat. We had to do another rat. The rat we'd done for this place didn't count.

So lots of rats. Lots of shoving up the nose. I guess it's a good time to point out that, you know, the Ministry of Health are saying, with Christmas coming up, don't ruin Christmas by giving a family member death. You can get free rats so many places.

I think you can just jump on the website and then you can pick the rats up. You just pick them up today? Yeah, super easy. Actually, I might go get some because I need to go to Westgate rat tests. Anyway, so this one is my Hayley's version is Deep Nose Energy.

Is it in? Twist it round all tickly. Hold a minute, now I think I'm about to sneeze. Pull it out one side all dribbly. Put it in the other side immediately. Twist it round once again, give it everything. Do it till your eyes water, make them really sting. Here we go again. Three, two, one, stick it in till it reach the end. Looking for those antigens so I can keep hanging with my friends on the weekends. It's a stingy kind of pain.

One more push, maybe hit my brain. Gotta be a better way, doing this every second day. Up my nose, cavite. Pull it at your nausea. Swish it in the chew for a one, two, three. Portaboo drips on the tray. Easy. Wait 50 minutes, make yourself a cup of tea. One line on C

means you're COVID free. One more on T means you're COVID palsy. Might want to pour yourself a glass of wine Because you're about to shove a giant white stick up your snars Damn it, I can feel it in me But then I see my friend going really deep So I try to push it in another centimete Any opportunity to compete

Whoopsie, yep, just hit my brain Hit the part that remembers my name Oh no, what was it again? It's like something, something Jane Got that deep nose energy I got that deep, deep energy Got that deep nose energy Not as deep as Bourne's

Got that deep, deep energy That's Hayley's version. Yay! Fantastic stuff. Whoa, two Fletchers at once. Wow. That was a layer on. Dreams do come true.

Whoa. Always wanted this for a while. A brand new Hayley's version tomorrow, recapping the year on the show. Play ZM's Fletch on the show. Linda's apologised. No, she hasn't. She has. I don't dislike you. It's only your put on and your singing voice I don't like. I didn't read the end. And then she finishes with, sorry.

Get out of here. We've had so many messages. I love it. It's a pile on. Compliment insulting me. Saying, oh, no, no, no, we like you. You're just shit. Closing the text. You can't say this to an actor, guys.

Fishing for compliments. You can't say this to an actor or a comedian. Do you know why they're a comedian? Because they're horrifically fragile inside. And they need your laughs to justify their life. Now, when you take that away, they've got nothing. They're an empty shell of a human. It's the rule for all of them.

I can't do characters. I can't say. I can't do anything. They get up on stage, laugh at me, look at me and laugh at me. And when it stops, they don't exist. They're like Tinkerbell. Stop fishing for compliments. Alright, moving on. I'm done. You don't need anything from these people. I don't need anything from them. I'm like mum on here. Oh, no, I won't say anything. You don't need anything from these people. I don't need anything from them.

I'm like mum on Christmas Day. Oh, no. Oh, no. I won't say anything then. Oh, no. No, no. I've been put in my place. You can't say that around Vaughan now.

Oh, you can't say that. You can't say that. I can't wait for that this Christmas. I've been told. I can't wait for that this Christmas. We've got to be careful what we say around Vaughan. Open the gollywarks later when he's gone home. Well, Vaughan, how are you going to fix these ram raiders then, are you?

Oh, you've got to be careful. You went to school with Jacinda. Yeah, what's she doing? Does socialists celebrate Christmas? Oh, you've got to be careful what you say. Anyway, yesterday my daughters came into work. They said they really wanted to come into work, and then they sat on a beanbag and did nothing but watch TikTok.

Just on their phones the whole time. I was like, why did they do that? Why didn't they? I said to the one who left, I was like, did you like that? And they were like, yep. I was like, why? Okay.

Yeah. Kids are weird. Kids, yeah, I don't know. So on the way home, we did some Christmas shopping for some people and everything. And I don't know, it was quite cool. We were just hanging out and being very honest and

like just chatting about stuff. Little daddy-daughter time. Yeah, it's cool. We do it but not generally, we don't go shopping. When we do daddy-daughter time, it's doing something or going somewhere. Going to my tent. Walking around. Yeah, I take them to my tent. They're like, can we play in the playground? I'm like, technically you're too old but if anybody asks,

read the sign and say you're under that age. And they're like, gotcha. So yesterday we? I'm like, technically you're too old, but if anybody asks, read the sign and say you're under that age. And they're like, gotcha. So yesterday we were doing, yeah, we were doing like Christmas shopping and stuff. And then when we got home, I went and did the lawns. I had a whole lot of stuff to do pre-Christmas. You know, Dad's pre-Christmas chores. He's got a bloody list as long as my bloody arm to get done. I can't stop and talk.

If you want to talk to me, you've got to walk and talk. Walk and talk with me. want to talk to me, you've got to walk and talk. Walk and talk with me. Lots of things to get done. And then when I came in, Sade said, well, I've just had the most interesting afternoon with the girls telling me what you got up to today. And I was like, what? She said, well, they first of all, when I got home,

she'd been out doing some other shopping. She said they pointed at the tree and said, look what's under there. I wonder who that's for. That present with your name on it, mum. Because I said, she said, we at the tree and said look what's under there i wonder who that's for that present with your name on it mum because i said she said we're not doing presents this year but that's a classic oh my god if you don't if you don't so the loophole is you get them a present from the kids right and i said to them wrap that put mum a label on it for mum and hide it somewhere yeah and they hid it under the tree. Oh, my God. I mean, that's where you put gifts.

That's where you put gifts. But then they pointed it out. It's on the download until on Christmas morning you bust it out and then you can be like, I thought we weren't doing gifts. And I'll be like, oh, you know, it's just a little something. And then they'll open it up and then you have them arm behind their back, metaphorically speaking, head on the bottom of the car making an arrest.

You've got them for Christmas because you bought them. You're making a Christmas arrest. You got their arm all day because you bought them something for Christmas and they didn't buy you something for Christmas. Even though you said no gifts this year. This is so manipulative. How are they going to whip the cream for the pad with one arm behind their back? It's metaphorical.

But when they're whipping the cream, you can walk in and just be like, that's just a nice little reminder that you got them a present and they didn't get you one. Wow. So that was the first. I said, well, they were supposed to keep that secret. And she said, well, I think there was a bunch of things

they weren't supposed to tell me. And I was like, what else? And, well, I hear you left your phone in the public toilet because you were too busy ripping down the anti-vax stuff that someone had taped up and then you walked away without your phone. I was like, yep, they weren't supposed to tell you that. They weren't supposed to tell you that. Well, so you put your phone down, ripped down some anti-vax posters.

Yeah, and I put my phone on the top of the toilet roll holder. I was like, this shit's got to go. And I ripped it all down. It was all just nonsense and screwed it up and chucked it in the bin and then just walked out so happy with myself. And then I got to the car and my watch was like, I've got a bird. You've left your phone behind.

And I was like, shit, girls, I'll be back in a minute. Ran back. Yeah. Got the phone. It was still there, thankfully. West Auckland, that's a Christmas miracle. It really is. And so then

Apparently also I drove on the grass To get around a car and did a skid on the grass Which I thought Why were you trying to get around a car? I was pissing about I wanted to get into the car park And there was cars everywhere I was like I'll just

On the grass But you overtook them on the left Oh you never overtake on the left. It was a dick move. It was an undermove. It was an undertake. But I couldn't go around the other way because there was cars on the other side of them. It wasn't like an open road.

It was like a right-wing street. It was an exercise in patience. But they nabbed on you. Yeah, and they said, oh, when he got on the grass, he was like, watch this. Oh, my God. It's fun driving on the grass. If you're on the grass, you've got to get a wheel going. Yeah.

That's the rule. What if it's not your grass? Yeah. And I was like, oh, well, if that's as bad as it is. And she's like, no, I also heard how you went to the toilet three different times on a 45-minute trip. I said, yeah, but I'd had two coffees right before I left work. Yeah.

Is that okay? And I heard all about what you had to say about, insert name here. I'm not going to say about, insert name here. I'm not going to say the name because I was trash-talking somebody, and apparently I was trash-talking to my daughters, and I said, let's not pass that on. Let's keep that between us. And they didn't.

And they went home and passed it on to their mother. Oh, my gosh. But mum would have liked to trash-talk that person. No, no. Oh, no. Not in this instance. Not in this instance. Oh, goodness. So did you mention anything to the girls? Like, hey, no. Oh, no. Not in this instance. Not in this instance. Oh, goodness.

So did you mention anything to the girls? Like, hey, where's the bro code? Yeah, I went in and I was like, what? We had a deal. The bro code. And then they were lying on the bed watching TV. So I held them down and did that thing your dad tickles you and you're paralyzed.

And they're just like screaming. And I was just like, why did you tell your mother our secrets? We won't tell her again. You must be punished. Too late. So anyway, a couple of narcs in the house. Right. You've got to watch your back now.

Yeah. Because you're deeply outnumbered in that house. Wildly. I'm back to confiding in the animals. Yeah, that's better. Animals don't narc. That's better. The pigs especially. Get in a pig's ear. Animals don't know. That's better. The pigs especially.

Get in a pig's ear. You can just have a real winch. They're not telling anybody. No. They're not telling anybody. No, and you could make them into bacon and yum. Oh, I'm not making them. Yeah, I know.

Yummy. Pull pork. Pull pork. I know. Sticky pull pork. Yum. The meat would be soured by the amount of trash talking. Things I've told these pigs.

The meat will be soured by now. Play it. ZDM's Fletch, Vaughn and Hayley. Fact of the day, day, day, day, day. Yeah. Quick check with Linda What does she think of the Fact of the Day jingle? She probably would have preferred if it was just a duet Yeah, like I like Fact of the Day

But that song's so untied No, it's alright You tell the kids that You tell the kids that I apologise, she just wants to make it clear She doesn't like my voice or my singing Okay, you need to be better at handling feedback And criticism You tell the kids that. You tell the kids that. I apologise. She just wants to make it clear she doesn't like my voice or my singing. Okay, you need to be better at handling feedback and criticism.

That's right, it's a great apology. One of the best I've ever received. Thank you, this will cheer me up. I know. I shan't be doing this in the voice. Linda won't have it. Linda also tried with White Lotus, but she didn't have it Linda also tried with White Lotus But just She didn't get it

I don't get it Too gay I don't get it There's a lot of gays It's too gay Do I need that Ram down my throat No thank you

Today's fact Linda's probably lovely She just doesn't like Your voice and your singing But I mean I mean she's allowed We've got beef She's allowed that

Yeah you got your first Radio nemesis I've got beef With Linda Well my nemesis Is actually going to be In the country soon Really?

Who's that? Dizzy Rascal I thought Zane Lowe Was your nemesis Oh no I just Right Yeah Have you got beef

With Dizzy Rascal? Oh absolutely yeah And they've let him In the country Well I mean who's To be honest There's not been protests About let him in the country. Well, I mean, who's... To be honest, there's not been protests about you coming to the country, has there? No.

No. You won that one. Remember, he threatened to stab me. Yeah, he did. Eight times. We just said, how about I stab you? Eight times. And we'll find out.

What? No, because he's been stabbed eight times. Eight times or three times? And Fletch asked him if he could do it again, would he rather be stabbed eight individual times or get them all out of the way at once? And this is your interview question. Which I thought it was a great question, to be honest. Why is he doing it?

He said, I'll stab you eight times and you tell me. Whoever was with him, giant, eight foot tall bodyguard, stepped back aghast. He's like, am I going to have to protect somebody from the person I'm here to protect? Wow. How about I stab you? That didn't make it to air, did it? That interview.

Hell of a time. Hell of a time to be alive. Hell of a time to be alive. Hell of a time to be alive. Today's fact of the day is about Christmas trees. And the biggest Christmas trees in the world. Yes. The largest artificial Christmas tree belongs to the nation of Sri Lanka.

I got it. Of course it does. Does it? It is 72 metres tall. And in 2016, they debuted this Christmas tree. It's ugly. Is it in a mall? Why is it ugly? It's far too tall to And in 2016 they debuted this Christmas tree. It's ugly. Is it in a mall? Why is it ugly?

It's far too tall to be in a mall. It's just like a structure. It looks like a pylon with a... It could be an open mall. Don't poo-poo that. It's not a tree. Oh no, I will poo-poo it. No, it's an artificial Christmas tree.

It's the world's largest, tallest artificial Christmas tree. That's stupid. That's a structure. Yeah, it's an artificial Christmas tree. I won stupid. That's a structure. Yeah, it's an artificial Christmas tree. I won't enter this debate with you. It's an artificial Christmas tree. It doesn't look like an artificial Christmas tree. It is an artificial.

It doesn't look like a rocket. What does an artificial Christmas tree, or the word artificial just means not real. It looks like a large rocket or an adult fun toy. Yeah. It is an artificial Christmas tree. Okay. And it's the largest and it's in Sri Lanka.

The biggest Christmas tree made out of lights is in the Italian province of Umbria. Ooh. And it has been the world's biggest Christmas tree made of lights since 1991. It takes up an entire hillside. Look, look, look, look. Oh, that's beautiful. A bit tacky, but beautiful. Yeah, but it lights up in the whole,

it can be seen from the whole city. It's massive. It goes up an entire mountain. The world's largest floating Christmas tree. This was, so this is what sparked this fact of the day. Lately, our Alexa has been saying, ask for your present. So we say, hey Alexa, what's my present?

And it's like some Christmas thing. Like one day it was a Christmas story. One day it was a Christmas song. One day it was a Christmas fact. And it said the world's largest floating Christmas tree is in Rio de Janeiro. It's a very popular Christmas tradition to have a floating Christmas tree. Is it just a tree they cut down and it's floating in the water? It's an artificial Christmas tree.

Right. Right. Yeah, it began in 1996. Is it on a barge? Yes. Oh. Yeah. Not just free floating?

No, no, no. It's on a barge. It floats on a barge. It's a beautiful Christmas tradition. They wheel it out. Now it's got like lights, fireworks. It's got a fountain on board. It floats on a barge. It's a beautiful Christmas tradition. They wheel it out. Now it's got lights, fireworks. It's got a fountain on board. It sprays water. Apparently very

beautiful to see. And the world's tallest Christmas tree. This is an actual tree. Now this happens in a town called Enid, Oklahoma every single year. Someone from Enid goes into a forest. This year they went into a Californian forest and got a Californian redwood.

And they're like, that one. They cut it down and they transport across the country to Oklahoma. That's what they do for the Rockefeller Christmas tree if you're ever in New York. Is it a real tree? It's a real tree. They chop it down. Do they chop it down and transplant that one? Yeah, they do.

Well, no, I don't know if they transplant it, but it's chopped down. But how does it not die? Much like your ordinary Christmas tree. Just lasts a month. Yeah, it's just pine trees and Douglas firs and stuff will last a little while without the root system, just on water alone. Huh.

Yeah, so that's the tallest one in Enid, Oklahoma. It always has to be the tallest. Imagine if we lasted a month. No water. You're just like, you're dead now. You're dead now. No, we're like five days no water. We can go without food. Yeah, but I'm like, you're dead now. You're dead now. No, we're like five days no water. We can go without food.

Yeah, but I'm just saying you're dead. You know you're dead right now. Oh, but I've got five days to get my affairs in order. Now's the moment you die. But I maintain like a human, like a zombie. I wouldn't be a zombie because I know I'm. But your ears start dropping off like pine needles. Oh, my God.

What would you do in your five days? You might lose your five days to get my affairs in order. What would you do in your five days? to get my affairs in order. What would you do in your five days? Probably get a cream donut. Yeah, just a guilt-free cream donut. I'd treat myself

to a cream donut. You know, it's the simple things in life. Yeah, just a beautiful pinot noir. I'd go for a walk along the beach. I'd pet my dog.

Yeah. And I'd get myself a cream donut. And say goodbye to the kids. Yeah. Wild five days. Wild five days. It's going to be a wild five days.

So today's fact of the day, all about the biggest Christmas trees in the world. Fact of the day, day, day, day, day. Yeah. Day, day, day. Ah. If you have returned to love, if you have given love a second chance. Now, so this is, you want to hear from people that have been with someone. Yeah. Maybe fleetingly or whenever in life at an early age.

Yep, gone off. And I'm not talking about a week. Like, we broke up. We're back together. You've always got to start the relationship clock again. Restart the timer. Now, that also accounts for work. If you leave a job and then come back, you can't say I've been here for 20 years. No, no,. Now that also accounts for work. If you leave a job

and then come back you can't say I've been here for 20 years. No, no, no, no, no, no. You've been here for two stints of 10. Yes. Well, there was

a 79-year-old grandmother from Argentina. She 60 years ago moved overseas and met a man in, where were they? Buenos Aires.

Yep. Met in Buenos Aires. Had a very short-lived but fiery romance. Oh, okay. But then Jacques had to return to Belgium. Oh. I know. Christina was devastated.

Someone's got to look after the Smurfs. Someone has to. And this is 60 years ago, so keeping in touch was really, really hard. Yeah, right. So they just moved on with their lives and their own respective families. But 60 years later, they were reunited. So how did they get together? So they found each other online through their families

and then both of their partners that they'd met had passed away. And then they reconnected somehow online and they said, we must meet up. We haven't seen each other for 60 years. Met up, fell back in love and got married. So the spark was still there.

They're like both 79 and 80 years old, this couple. Because I guess there would be a lot of people out there that just the circumstances, it just doesn't work at the time. I know. But there was a connection there. Yeah. And then you just move on with life.

Everyone goes in their own directions. Yes, but she said that she kept him as a fond memory her whole life. A precious memory. Aww. And then she was like, I'm never going to find him again, so just move on. Move on, yeah. Isn't this amazing? Vaughan, can you just please enjoy this lovely story? No, no, I'm never going to find him again, so just move on. Move on, yeah. Isn't this amazing?

Vaughan, can you just please enjoy this lovely story? No, no, I'm enjoying it. I'm just imagining this woman's entire life with her husband and children, but in the back of her mind she's like, man, he was hot. Good Lord, Jacques from Belgium. But no, there are people like that out there. There are people that will always hold you in your heart. Even though there was someone else.

Don't hold me in your heart. Like, you know, you love your fiancé. I've had tons of men, did you just say? Tons of men. You've had literally tons of men. Now, being that men average 85 kgs, that means you've had lovers in the... Like, literally tons.

Yeah. I do love my fiancé. But you also love Jessamyn Moore. And I will hold him in my heart as a precious memory forever. It's possible to segment the heart. No, you can't compartmentalise the heart. Yes, you can. You can't compartmentalise the heart. You can.

Anyway, this is a very happy ending. And I want to know if you or maybe your parents or your grandparents have experienced something like this. Like maybe you were young lovers, like at primary school. I mean, it doesn't have to be like 40 years later. It could be 10 years, kind of five years later. You know, a love was lost and then it was found. And this is what we need for the festive season.

We do. We need some feel good stories this morning. Touching story. Touching story. Touching story. Christine and Jacques, together after 60 years apart, they never lost the love. And we want to know if you've given love a second chance. Well, and Michaela, you've called up.

This was a very similar story to your granddad. Yes, yes. So my granddad and now called step-mom. Sorry, I'm walking to work. I'm a bit puffed. No, you're all right. Is it up a hill? No.

She's just busting. Are you going too fast? You're going fast. Slow down. We'll go with that. Okay. Smell the roses. So, yeah.

So my now stepnana and my granddad were in love a few years ago now. They were probably late teens, early 20s. And I don't know the reason they split off. But then my granddad married my grandma and Nana married her husband. My granddad had two kids, my mum and my auntie. And my Nana had three kids. And then my grandma passed away when I was two with breast cancer.

And her, my nana's husband passed away, I think, with some other type of cancer. And then when I was about seven, my granddad and grandma got back together. Oh, there it is. I like to imagine their deceased partner's ghosts are together too. Oh, they got a photo together from when they were young. Yeah, so they've got a photo together when they were young

underneath Andrew Street because that's my granddad's name. And they got the same one taken, I think, when they were, I don't know how old I was, but they were a lot older. Side by side. And he still got the cigarette in his hand. Both photos. So cancer got everyone else.

He's the one ripping durries, and he's the only one that doesn't have cancer. That seems poetically unfair. Michaela, thank you so much for your story. Ashley, have you given love a second chance? I have. I have indeed. Okay.

Not quite as cute as the grandma story, but. Okay. So what happened? So we met in Thailand when we were really young. Uh-oh. Was it what Khao San rode on a couple of nangs, were you? On the arse end of a

nang balloon, about to go see a ping pong show. Yeah, there was ping pong shows involved, actually. Drinking what you thought was Bacardi, but it was ethanol that made you go blind. We've all been there. Lovely, lovely place, Thailand. Yeah, so we decided, we're like,

oh, we kind of tried to give it a shot, but it was a pretty half-assed attempt. And then we sort of were in and out of contact for years and years. And I ended up moving overseas to work. And then I came back on holiday, saw him while I was on holiday in New Zealand and then went back overseas.

In long story short, we were like, he started seeing someone. And I was like, oh, okay, like, I'm happy for you. I'm not happy for him. I'm livid. You didn't do it. I'm livid. Did you say it like that, Ashley? I'm happy for you.

Pretty much. I was like, oh, cool. Like, that's awesome. And then half a day later, I came to know him back being like, yeah, nah, actually, that's not awesome. I thought it was always going to be us. And then Andrew was like, oh, yeah, but you live overseas. And I was like, mm, don't think what we have is more important. Wow.

Yeah, and then sure enough, a week later, he gave me a call and he's like, yeah, I agree. And we planned the return, and I moved back to Lucie and we're three years later. Oh, nice. Still hooning the nangs together on a Friday night. Yeah, God, yeah. Every time you see someone playing beer pong, you're like, oh, remember that sweet sound of a ping pong ball hitting a hard surface? We don't have any cocktail glasses. I'll just get a bucket.

Don't worry about it. Yeah, we'll drink out of the cookie time bucket. I will say there is no finer bucket than a cookie time bucket. It's the perfect size bucket. It's the perfect size bucket. The new ones have got the lever lid so you can seal it again and you just pull up the side that levers the lid off. That's beautiful because we all know how hard it is to get a lid off a bucket. Yeah.

And then you're at home, you stretch for a drinking vessel, bit of ice, half a bottle of Midori, half a bottle of Bacardi, top the rest up with a little bit of Mountain Dew and you're absolutely drinking Redneck. It's like you're in Thailand. Get your hubby on the feet, a little bit of a massage. Yeah, but we're living it up, baby.

Sate stick in your hand. We might as well be in Patong. What is that beach called? Pattaya. Might as well be feet up a Pattaya. Thank you in your hand. We might as well be in Patong. What is that beach called? Pattaya. Might as well be feet up a Pattaya. Thank you for your call, Ashley. Any messages in or are you done?

Dude, so many. I'm done. But I can, I don't know, I can reignite my love for the broadcast medium and try my best. My partner was my first kiss at primary school. We both went on to marry and have a child each. We're now both 40 with a four-year-old together.

We met five years ago. Oh, that's cute. That's cute. That's cute, actually. Sorry, guys. We're just having a quick mime cigarette. It's good to just unwind, you know. Together for a year, I was 17 for 12 months.

We went our separate ways and happened to be staying next door to each other at the beach a few years later. And that was that 18 years on. Recycling was a smart choice. Oh, it is good. Recycle your partner. Always remember to rinse out your recycling. Yeah, you don't want to leave your ex-boyfriend in the bin and he's got bits of sauce at the bottom. I was with a guy for a year and a half, got back together with him 12 years later. Fell in love at 17.

Things didn't last. They didn't even do it at 17. He went on to have a great marriage and kids and me a string of long-term relationships. He got in touch six months ago. We've spent almost every day together since. We're 38. Oh, get married. That's cute.

Not quite 40 years, but we met in Thailand. Another Thailand story. It's a very romantic place. That or the prescription medication. My fiance and I have quite the love story. He met my sister. He met my sister and her now husband while backpacking in Australia in 2010. He is from England originally, and I'm Canadian.

I was just graduating high school at the time. I would Skype my sister, and he'd be in the background and would say, in 2010. He is from England originally and I'm Canadian. I was just graduating high school at the time. I would Skype my sister and he'd be in the background and would say, hello. We both thought each other were cute and started chatting a bit.

Then flash forward a few months after their travels, he came to Canada to visit them and met me and we fell in love. I moved to England and lived with him and his family for about five months after that. He was accepted into the British Navy and I got into Union Canada.

So we broke up for a couple of years because we knew we needed to pursue our own goals. And then one day I was in Las Vegas. 2015 was the year. I saw his sister there out of the blue. She was on a trip with her husband. They're both from England. And she told me that he still loved me and he mentioned me often. So I got back in touch and we realised that we never stopped loving each other.

Hold on, wait a minute. Hang on, mine's gone out too. Cheers. I moved back to the UK for a few years. I don't even smoke fake cigarettes. You two are disgusting. You're going to get fake cancer. You're getting second hand fake smoke. Carry on with the beautiful story, please. I moved back to the UK for a few years, and we now live in New Zealand, are engaged, had two cancer weddings due to COVID,

and we've got a daughter together. That is beautiful. That is beautiful. Beautiful story, love. That is beautiful. This really warmed me right up. Yeah. I'm a celebrant.

I married a couple last week that met when they were teenagers. They had their first kiss at her 16th birthday. A year later, she got married to another guy. A year later? And I'm 17. Far out. Maybe she meant a few years later. No, no, no.

A year later, she got married to another guy and had two kids. They broke up, young marriage, et cetera. Right. And then she reconnected with this guy when she was 30 and they're the most in love, appreciative, grateful, fun couple I've ever met in my life.

Oh, that's nice. Oh. We'll see. I might text my first boyfriend. Don't. You're engaged. Absolutely. Stop this nonsense.

What are you going to say? Dear Ben. Nah. Is this Ben Ben? He's a good boy. He's a good boy, but he's married with children, isn't he? Yeah, he's got three kids.

What are you going and wrecking his life for? You just never know, do you? Shut up, Ben. What if he's the one? What if he is the one for his wife and children? I counted 79 all rights today, Fletcher, but that's a new personal record. Oh, f*** off. How many of those did you count?

79 of those, too. All right, well, if you enjoyed today's podcast, give us a rate and review. Oh, f*** off. How many of those did you count? 79 of those too. Alright, well if you enjoyed today's podcast, give us a rate and review. Oh, f*** off. ZM's Fletch, Vaughan and Hayley.