ZM's Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley - Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley Podcast - 3rd October 2022

Episode Date: October 2, 2022

Vaughan visited Costco  Lindt Bunnies  Silly Little Poll!  Top 6: Prime Ministerial Catwalks  Fletch's Robot  Monday Maestro's! Fact of the Day Day Day Day Daaaaay!See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

The ZM Podcast Network. Play ZM's Fletch, Vaughan and Hayley. Hello, welcome to the Fletch, Vaughan and Hayley podcast. It's thanks to McCafe. Download, scan and play the Monopoly game at Maccas to be in to win. What do you guys know about, just before we get started on the show, the podcast, what do you guys know about ordering stuff off Alibaba? I never have.

Is it AliExpress? Is it the same thing? AliExpress is the same company as Alibaba. I never have. Is it AliExpress? Is it the same thing? AliExpress is the same company as Alibaba. The guy that owns this is like the Jeff Bezos of China. No, but he got disappeared. Remember, he disappeared. He got disappeared by the Chinese government. Jack Ma.

Jack Ma. He got disappeared. He's back, though, but he's certainly towing the line. He looks a little bit different. He's a shadow of his former self. He's pro CCCP. So I didn't understand. I just went on Alibaba, which I've never been on before. You can

buy like houses or like little... Bingo. So here's the thing about Alibaba. What the hell? I've been getting since I've been sort of semi googling little tractors. Oh my god. I've been getting Alibaba targeted advertising. And I knew it was AliExpress on steroids. And at the weekend, Sunday, Googling little tractors Oh my god I've been getting Alibaba Targeted advertising And I knew it was

AliExpress on steroids And at the weekend Sunday Yesterday lying in bed It was raining I was like I've got to get out of bed But at the same time

I don't want to I got served an Alibaba Little tractor ad And I was like F it Yeah I'm going to have a look So I had a look

I downloaded the app Which had great Responses in the app store So I knew it wasn't like A trick It's legit It's legit Yeah And I downloaded the app, which had great responses in the app store, so I knew it wasn't like a trick. It's legit. It's legit. Yeah.

And you can buy little tractors from all sorts of places. It's not just out of Asia. I had a Massey Ferguson lined up from Texas, which I could get here for $2,500. A mini tractor. A secondhand miniature tractor. How, if you'll excuse my French, the fuck does a tractor get to New Zealand for two and a half thousand dollars? I don't know.

Had you clicked on shipping though? It said including shipping. And it was minimum order one unit. So a lot of things, it's like you can order this. And it comes, if you order 50 of them, it comes to a thousand dollars a unit. But then you've got 50 of them and it comes to $1,000 a unit. But then you've got 50 of them, and you've got to sell them. I guess that's how people sell it.

But then I found a Kabuto tractor out of South Vietnam. How much was that? Around the same price, including shipping. Now you can buy a home office or a little guest house. What, like a sleep out? Yeah, like this, like a sleep out like this. Oh, my God. Or like a shipping container home. It's got a kitchen and? Yeah, like this. Like a sleep out like this. Oh my God. Or like a shipping container home.

It's got a kitchen and everything. How much is that? $800? $800 US dollars. So what? Shipping to New Zealand. Minimum order of, it'll be like,

but the thing is, you'll probably have to buy a hundred of those or something. Yeah, but you just sell them here. How? I know. Is it just bath lots filled with stuff

that people couldn't sell or people trade it in and it gets sold and they're like, well, we sell. I don't? Is it just bath lots filled with stuff that people couldn't sell or people trade it in and it gets sold and they're like, well, we sell it. I don't know. It's wild, isn't it? Considering you can look at a T-shirt online and it's out of America and then the shipping alone comes to like three times as much. Yeah, exactly. And you're just like, don't bother.

How do I know how minimums I need to buy? Cheap, modern design, 20-foot container home. In the app Down the bottom It says minimum order So I don't want to allow I don't want to allow

Sea freight It gets shipped over Look at this Spiffy I mean if you were Into this sort of Cutlery This would be right

Out of your alley Do you know what Those spiffy Customs agents Would sting you With a fee When your mini tractor Gets here

But even if you Did get stung with GST What does it matter You've spent $2000 Biffy Customs agents will sting you with a fee when your mini tractor gets here. But even if you do get stung with GST. What does it matter? You've spent $2,000 on it. You get like a tenth of the price. How much are mini tractors? Well, like the ones I've been looking at, the nice ones. Well, not the ones I've been looking at, but every time I'm like, oh, that's nice, and I click on it, it's like nearly $20,000 for a second hand.

Oh, my God. Oh, we're not buying that. I know, that's why I'm not buying that. That's ridiculous money. There's like $6,000 ones, but they're real old. Our idea for his Christmas present, Fletch. Yeah. I'm not spending that kind of money.

You're ruining that. But I just, yeah, if anybody that listens to this podcast, by the way, join the international podcast family. Oh, please do. Oh, yeah. On Facebook. On Facebook, that's in there. Request to join.

Give you the old tick of approval. Unless you belong to 500 Facebook groups and you joined three months ago, then that raises a couple of red flags. But I'd love to know if anybody's ordered anything. Massive. Massive. Off Ali Baba. And how the hell?

Or does it take eight years to turn up? Yeah, it must be. It's too good to be true. Now, we're all on a journey of health. You might hear a little bit about it. We've all overdone it, and it's time to run it in. But there's a cream here on Ali Baba. Oh, and a breast pump.

This is good. A cream here. It's called Natural Best Body Slimming Cream, three-day fat-burning cream. You rub it on. This guy's got absolute rip-dabs. Does it burn your fat by melting your skin like an acid? Yeah, but, like, you know, weights weigh.

Pain is beauty. Weights weigh. Your skin is your biggest organ in your whole body. Imagine removing. You'll drop a few kgs. Weight's weight. Pain is beauty. Weight's weight. Your skin is your biggest organ in your whole body. Imagine removing that. You'll drop a few kgs. Thank you, Sam. Good morning.

Welcome to the show, Fletch, Vaughn and Hayley. Happy Monday. Happy October. Yeah. My favourite month. God, you've had a big weekend, haven't you? I've never known you to be so quiet. I know.

You've hardly spoken since I got here. Are you angry at us? No, I'm not angry. I'm just disappointed. I tried to be a good boy. Yeah, I think you've said like four words the entire morning. Yeah. And I will say four more for the rest of the show.

Comedy Fest on Friday, a wedding on Saturday. Speaking of Comedy Fest, are you guys prepared for later in the day? This is my worst nightmare. I did six minutes in front of a couple of thousand people. Did you guys warm up in the same way over the weekend? You try to do one minute in front of one person. That is my thing about it. This is my nightmare.

It's my nightmare too. It's one way small talk. Monday, my stories today, we had the weekend to prepare a one minute stand up set that will perform in front of Guy Montgomery after 8.30 this morning. My children chose my subject.

Oh great. Because I was just like, Sade is just like, I'm sick of hearing about it. This has caused a little bit of anxiety for me over the weekend. She's like, I'm sick of hearing about it. And I said,

the hardest part is knowing what, what do you talk about? And so I said to the kids, what should I talk about? And they said, this thing that I will talk about. Right.

And they said, that's the unfunniest topic there is. Great. And so I was like, fantastic. Right. And they said that's the unfunniest topic there is. Great. And so I was like, fantastic. Okay. Keeping in mind they're children, so it's not like genocide or chemical warfare

or anything like that. Right. Because that would be the unfunniest. Yeah. Or like the pending downfall of society, be it from global warming or Russia. Oh, I think there's a lot of comedy there. There's something to explore,

but not over a weekend. That's sort of like, take a week, take a week. I don't know if it's really to explore on your very first time of doing stand-up comedy. Right. Ease in with some sort of airplane content,

some tea towel, some tea towel based comedy. You know? Have I ruined your set there, Fletch? No, I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm just going to get up there and just freak out.

Well, you haven't prepared. I don't like doing things. I haven't written anything down. This is the other thing. We weren't given any technique. You haven't written anything down. You were just going to get up and do what you did at the weekend. Tried and true.

Thousands of people laughed at me on Friday. You're going down. Guy Montgomery said it had to be original. See, that's the thing. I'm not going to win, so. That's all right. I've got some untested material. I'm going to bring it out.

Oh, right. Okay. All right. Well, after 8.30 this morning, you can hear that. Coming up on the show, Secret Sound, Soundkeeper Georgia will be in refreshed after the weekend to take your guesses at 7, 8, and 9 this morning, and then again at 3, 4, and 5.

All the clues that we've had, the incorrect guess is ZMSecret Sound on Instagram, $100,000. It's up for grabs soon, all thanks to Neon. I reckon it's the week. The week. You reckon it'll go this week? I reckon it's going to go this morning. That's some great guesses last week.

Yeah, we did. And the week before. Yeah. Top six coming up? Yeah. The Prime Minister did some modelling at the weekend at the World of Wearable Arts. The World of Wearable Arts. Yes.

Modelled there. People quick to hit the comments, weren't they? Shouldn't she be running a country? This wouldn't have happened under John Key. Forgetting that John Key indeed did mints down a runway to show off a really well-cut outfit. He did mints down that runway, didn't he? I don't think he'd get away with that mince in 2022. No.

You'd probably be cancelled. It was a derogatory walk. It was. It was a stereotypical derogatory walk. Yeah. She did some modelling. I got the top six are the prime ministerial modelling gigs that you may have forgotten ever happened.

All right, next on the show, though, somebody got into Costco at the weekend. Yeah. And he doesn't have many nice things to say about it, and the big man demands it's buried in the six o'clock hour. Oh, no. I went to Costco on Friday, straight after work. Straight drove straight there.

So, well, I got there about 25 past nine. Right. On a Friday and the line wasn't too long. But there was still a line. That's interesting because I had friends that tried to go maybe just after you and they said impossible. Dude, I called you and I was like,

do not. Because I was planning on going with some friends, maybe about, I don't know, 11 on Friday and Vaughn's like, turn around, do not bother.'s right did you park in the park because that's when i was driving past i was like oh no i am chuck the chimney into four-wheel drive and just drove straight up onto the vacant lot over the road because there was no parks yeah you're arrogant white man parking again absolutely oh god he's good at it though

always gets us right near the restaurant. Yeah. Spark wherever you want. Let somebody else deal with it. Went, got my card because I hadn't got my card yet. Then the printers broke down printing out the cards momentarily. That was all. Anyway, got the card. Sade and the girls arrived. We went in.

You got in? It was just because there was a line for people getting the cards because so many people hadn't got their cards yet. And then there was a line at that stage. Yeah. The line to just go into the store was like three people long. Oh, wow. Okay. We went into the store and I was immediately like,

I've made a huge mistake. Because it's massive, isn't it? Too many people. How many people? Thousands and thousands of people. Thousands of people. The trolleys are huge. There's no small trolleys.

There's no baskets. Because you could not fit anything for sale in a basket. I love a small trolley. You know when you go to the supermarket. A little halfie. No, not like the squat ones, but like the sort of thin, not so deep ones. Yes. Yeah, half trolley.

Yeah, half trolley. Yeah, I love those. Those are beautiful. I remember when they came around. Kids, they didn't know it hell, I love those. Oh, those are beautiful. I remember when they came around. Kids, they didn't know it was easy to have those. Oh, do you mean the big ones? I remember we talked about them when they first... When they launched them.

Yeah, and only some supermarkets had a half trolley. Now they're the normal. Everybody got on board. Do you know what I don't like is the two stacked basket ones? Oh, you know, they're junk. Stupid. Yeah, they're junk. They're stupid.

What are you doing? It's just two baskets. That's actually my stand-up later is about supermarket trolley. So if you could just stop ruining my overall... What's the deal with true What are you doing? It's just two baskets That's actually my stand up Later it's about Supermarket trolleys So if you could just stop What's the deal with What's the deal with Supermarket trolleys

Trolleys What's the deal with these trolleys? And sometimes there's a Soggy lettuce in there Is that good? And a receipt And a receipt Is that good?

That's not the punchline though eh? Oh I do need a punchline That's the set up I'm going to have to keep working on this Keep working Keep working So these trolleys are massive and there's people everywhere

and everyone's got a massive trolley it's chaos everything's massive people are grabbing it's got that real buying for the sake of buying feel to it I literally overheard a conversation and I looked this guy in the eyes and we had a

spiritual connection because he was saying to his girlfriend, wife, partner, but we don't need that. And she's like, yeah, but it's nice. How good is it? He's like,

ours isn't broken though. And she's like, yeah, but this is nicer. And he's like, but we don't, like, we don't need it. Like,

there was so much of that. Welcome to consumerism. I know. It was gluttonous consumerism. And it's absolute craziest. And I had heard wonderful things about the butchery. So I went up there. I couldn't get a trolley and I had to park the trolley and like walk in.

And everyone was just like. Like actual animals going for meat. See, I mean, I'm not against crowds. I don't mind big crowds. Love a crowd. Okay. The bargain. I can do you more.

Okay. There was a big plastic shed in the middle, like a display of a garden shed by this garden shed. Oh, I do need one of those. Okay, you'll be put off this one. My daughter went up to it and she's like, oh, look, a playhouse. And opened the door and went in and was like, ah, and walked out and shut the door. I was like, what's the matter? She's like, there's a put off this one. My daughter went up to it and she's like, oh, look, a playhouse. And opened the door and went in and was like, ah!

And walked out and shut the door. I was like, what's the matter? She's like, there's a naked man in there. Get out. He was getting changed. He'd grabbed clothes from the clothes thing, but he didn't want to like chance not fit in them. Get out!

And he'd snuck into the little garden shed to get changed. And a 10-year-old was like, come in. He's like, boo. Apparently that's what he said to him. And he was in his undies. No, don't say boo when you're in your undies. In your undies. No, don't say that.

And she was back away. And I was like, what? Because I'm like already a little bit jittery. I'm like, what? And she's like, he was trying on clothes. I was like, okay, so he's not just nakedly lurking in a shed. Or waiting for a. And then we walked past him and she was like, that's him.

And he's exactly the guy that you'd see on a documentary where he murdered someone. So it was, and then, so I said, Sade, let's get out of here. But did you see anything cool? Okay, so I bought a 300, you know that little Tabasco sauce that you usually get at a cafe? Oh, they're so 30 mils. And they're stupid. I got one that's 360 mils. So like 10 times the size of that.

Well, you must be so happy about that. That was okay. Yeah. And then I got sucked into the buying things I don't need and I bought a big bucket of bath salts. Why? I don't know. For a relaxing bath?

Which you probably need after your Costco shopping experience. Which I think that's what I was trying to find, some relaxation in the world. Bath salts just got such a bad rep a few years ago. Yeah, with people smoking them. You shouldn't be buying big bags of them. Big buckets of bath salts. And then what else did we get?

Oh, we got Tide Pods. Oh, because you couldn't get Tide Pods in New Zealand. These are their, they're like, you put them in the laundry machine. Oh yeah, I spent 25 minutes explaining to my mum what a Tide Pod was. Yeah. She's like, what'd you get at Costco?

I was like, Tide Pods. She's like, what are they for? I was like what a Tide Pod was. Yeah, she's like, what did you get at Costco? I was like, Tide Pods. She's like, what are they for? I was like, laundry. And I showed her them and she's like, no, I don't know how that works. Did you tell her that kids used to eat them? Where does the plastic go? Yeah, did you tell them kids used to eat them? I said, you remember when the kids were eating them?

Why were they eating them? It was an online challenge. Yeah, I don't know, Mum. No, I've never heard of that. That's bloody stupid. You don't need somebody to cleanse your clothes. The whole thing. Then we went to line up to get out. And when we came around the corner to the line, I've never heard of that. That's bloody stupid. You don't need somebody to cleanse your clothes. The whole thing. Then we went to line up to get out.

And when we came around the corner to the line, I was like, oh, okay. So there's the line. And I went to go in and the guy was like, oh, no, the line's back there. And pointed up the aisle where the line actually ended. And I was like, oh, we're just going to cut across here. He's like, oh, still shopping, are you? And I said, yep. And then kept going.

And then just like, wink, jumped on the end of a little line. Saved myself an hour and a half, and I don't care. Did you cut? I cut. Oh, my God. I had to get out of there. You are out of control. I had to get out of there.

It was too much. Okay, see. And then my kids were all like, the $2 hot dog and the drink, the $2 hot dog and the drink. You got out of a massive line, another huge line for the hot dog and the drink. Oh, I hate it. Wow.

All right, well. When's the quietest time to go? We need to go, Fletch. I know. I want to go, but I don't want lines. Because I had friends that went yesterday, and they waited like 45 minutes and left because the lines were just not moving.

Dude's too short. I don't know when it's going to go quiet. I don't know if it ever will go quiet. Maybe when they're finally building another one in Auckland somewhere and one in Christchurch. Are they? Those are the rumours. My favourite might attend. had to put on Facebook,

hey guys, we're still open, come on down. Because everybody just sits in their car and blocks the entrance. That's a good Mitre 10 as well. It's the biggest Mitre 10. It's my number one. It's my number one. All right.

That was a very stressful Friday. If you don't love crowds, maybe just wait a little bit. If people aren't your thing, I'd say. Because school holidays next couple of weeks is going to be absolutely heaving. I'm so sorry that children are thinking I have to spend an entire day on a Costco mission. Yeah. Next on the show, men, this is aimed at you. Yeah.

You're guilty at this, apparently. Something we women would never get away with. Or we wouldn't hear the end of it. Play ZM's Fletch, Vaughn and Hayley. Do you remember that story? There was like two news reporters in America. One was male, one was female. And he wore the same suit for a year.

No, it was in Australia. It was in Australia. Oh, sorry, I beg your pardon. It was. And it was a lovely navy suit. He wore the same suit every single day for a year in sort of protest of the amount of feedback, shall we call it,

that his female co-host got on her outfits. And nobody realised, did they? Was it a year or six months? Yeah, but then later on their pay gap came out and he wouldn't... His navy suit wouldn't get him out of that problem. A bit more hooey and not enough dewy. But it made it clear about how much, you know,

people don't really give a crap about what men wear. Vaughn, that looks like a fresh black T-shirt. No. Well, it's been washed. It looks clean, yeah. Yeah, it's been washed. Hey, I washed my jeans after you got bullied. Oh, thank God.

They were like green and brown. They were yellow, weren't they? They look way better. Look at that. Because they do. They look. You know what? With my Tide Pods that I got from Costco.

Worth every cent. Oh, he loves Costco now, does he? Yeah. Only for the Tide Pods. But you, I mean, both of you guys have a sort of a smallish rotation, I guess, of tissues that you wear. Ouch. Are we hearing this?

Oh, dude. At the moment, I think I'm at about four. Yeah. Four or five that I'm pleased to wear to work. I've got so much, I've got so many farm ones.

We also bullied you into washing your Star Wars jumper. You wore that every day since the day you got it, which was Father's Day. Father's Day. Well, not every day. He gave it a rest

a couple of times a week. No, I don't think he did. I don't think he did. Well, I did. I really don't think he did. I think you wore it every single day. Well, do you day. He gave it a rest a couple of times a week. No, I don't think he did. I don't think he did. Well, I did. I really don't think he did. I think he wore it every single day. Well, do you know what, men? We can get away with it.

You can. One in five male office workers, so, you know, this is our office, I guess, wear the same shirt three days a week. I find it hard because, like, I mean, our life is so easy. We turn up and work for three hours And go home You know what I mean Whereas if you're

Well I like to say five But okay Yeah I mean Yeah yeah You know there's before and after We potter around a bit You know what I mean Okay there is some pottering

If you sort of add up The amount of time We're actually working It's probably like two hours Easy Well if you take away the songs It's probably more like half an hour What are you telling me for

How long's the podcast It's probably That's how long we work for. Don't tell me. An hour tops, I reckon. Sure. So you're not sort of tearing through these t-shirts by the time you head home. But if you're in the same shirt in an office from like

nine to five, I don't know. And there's getting to work. You might walk to work. You might be on the sweaty bus or in the car. But they wear the same shirt three days a week apparently. And women just couldn't get away with that. I guess they couldn't. Also. Well, that's only because other women notice.

It's like when Sade's like, I can't wear that to that event because there's the same people that were at the last event. I was like, I guarantee you not a single guy will realise. And she's like, well, it's not about them. I'm like, well, who are we trying to impress? No, because then you get the photos and you're like, oh, you're wearing that dress again.

Yeah. This is what I thought. You remember when I went shopping with you guys and you helped me choose a dress for an event that was cancelled? Yes. Well, I wore it to a wedding this weekend. Lovely. And now I'm worried that I've worn it.

You've blown it. I've blown it. I've blown it on that dress. You'll be fine. It was a great wedding. I'm not saying I regret it. It was've blown it on that dress. You'll be fine. It was a great wedding. I'm not saying I regret it. It was a great recipient of my dress. Guys don't notice these things or care.

I will also say, God, it was tight. When did we buy that? When did we buy that? Like three months ago? Oh, my God, I couldn't move. It would have been three months ago. I could barely move. At one point, I had to keep going to the bathroom

and just taking off the side zip and being like... Maybe, anyway, next time I wear it, hopefully it'll fit a little bit better. How do you say that supermarket L-I-D-L? Little. Little. Little. Little. I don't know, they've got them Lidl. Lidl. Lidl. Lidl.

I don't know. They've got them in Aussie. They've got them in Aussie. They're all over Europe and stuff, aren't they? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it's Lidl, isn't it? Lidl. Lidl.

Lidl. Lidl. Lidl. Lidl. Lidl. Lidl. Lidl. Well, Lidl is in trouble because they produced some lookalike, you know, Lindt.

Oh, God. We really can't say any of these names, can we? Lindt. Lindt. Lindt. Lindt. That is good chocolate. It's great chocolate.

You know, you're very familiar with their little gold bunnies. With the red bow. Yes, red bow and a little bell on the front. The chocolate balls in the foil. Oh, my God, a lind ball. What chocolate balls and the foil? Oh, yeah, no, I'm talking about lind balls. Stay on track here, bunnies.

But I do know that they... I was like, I've never had a chocolate bunny with the balls in the wrap. It seems a little on the nose. No, they mute them. It's got the ears and it goes down to the tail and underneath the tail is the ball. The very fertile little rabbit balls. They should actually put a couple of those linded balls on there. No, they'd be so out of proportion.

It'd also feel weird. That'd definitely be the first thing you'd bite off right at the start. You know, you've got a favourite. I reckon I've had, I'd say, because Lind is a show sponsor of Great Kiwi Bake Off. Ah. And in the back of the set of the Great Kiwi Bake Off are these giant tubes filled with balls. And you never brought us any.

I know. I'm sorry. Next season. Because, honestly, like, I would just go there. I would be hanging around, looking around, seeing if there's something I could jump on with the thing, and I would just be eating these balls all day long. Like Pac-Man.

Yeah. But I don't think I've ever had one of their gold bunnies, but every Easter I see... You simply must. Oh, they're delicious. Well, little ripped off, lindered and made their own chocolate bunnies. I scrolled

through being like, well, where's the picture of the rip-off bunny? And I scrolled past it four times because it is literally identical-ay. Yeah. Here's the photo I love. The only difference is, and interesting you pointed out, the red bow tie with the bell on it.

And that was Lindell's defense against Lindert. Right. As they said, well, actually, our bunnies don't have a red bow tie on. It's got a green bow. Ours has got a, yeah, it's an elastic, it looks like a hair scrunchie with a green bow on the front and a heart-shaped pendant.

But they didn't even try to make the bunnies a different shape. They're exactly the same. Like, if you were at a supermarket just going about your business, you wouldn't know. You'd just think that was a Lind bunny. That's what little, you know, obviously was shooting for. Yeah. Because they can do them so much cheaper

and people think they're getting a good deal. Oh, those are cheap. But it was only cheap because it wasn't the product. Well, initially in Switzerland, a court ruled in favour of Lidl. Right. The supermarket. It's been overturned.

And now Lidl have won. Wow. On the seconded. And now Lindet have won. Wow. Out of all the second ruling, and they said the chocolate shouldn't be wasted, they're going to melt it down. But once chocolate's been set, can it be melted again? Is it tempered? Yeah.

They're going to euthanise all those bunnies. Yeah. Someone's going to have to unwrap them. And then remelt them. You know when you leave like a block of chocolate in your glove box and then you open it up and it's melted and then reset. I'll still eat it, yeah. And it still, it kind of goes like white. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It gets that kind of

white thing. Aged chocolate does. Yeah. Still edible. I mean it's a sugary thing, isn't it? Yeah. Doesn't that have something to do with the sugars in it? I'm eating it. Absolutely. I'm eating it. Yeah, so if they need help disposing of those bunnies do they say

how many bunnies they're having to melt down? well all of them hundreds of thousands all of them all of the ones they've made

is the lint bunnies a Christmas thing or an Easter thing? or an every time? I feel like it's an Easter thing but they've got some left over

so they pop them out at Christmas hoping no one's going to notice right? yeah they probably pop a Santa hat on them get the leftover it's an Easter thing but they've got some left over so they pop them out at Christmas hoping no one's going to notice, right? Yeah, they probably pop a Santa hat on them. Yeah.

Get the leftover. It's a good idea. It's a great idea. Play ZM's Fletchford and Hayley. Play ZM's Fletchford and Hayley. Silly little poe. Silly little poe. It is so silly, silly, silly

that the silly little poll. Toothpaste. Toothpaste. Do you squeeze it from the bottom? Or the middle? What monster is squeezing from the middle? Do you grab it with your big, dumb monkey hands and just squeeze it from the middle

like some sort of... Is that what you do, you dumb-dumb? Am I wrong in this, Vaughn, that Sade squeezes from the middle? Yeah, she's just a just a grabber. Just grab. Whereas I grew up, we even had the things

that you the minute there was that you always grab from the bottom and my dad was a roller but mum had that clip thing you put on the bottom and you

Oh, those are great. Push it up and then my mum would finish the tube and cut it open and lay it out and you would scrape every bit of toothpaste out.

Wow. Boomers. Wow. Boomers. Nothing but shut. I grew up in a wasteful household where I assumed after two brushes they were like, I'm sick of this flam on my head. Shuck it in the bin. Go on. Get it all out of there. Yeah. The stats back on

this shook me. Yeah, same. Shook me. Do you squeeze from the bottom or the middle? The bottom, 39%. That means it's a minority.

The minority. 61% squeeze. What is wrong with you? Unless you live alone and that's your prerogative to do whatever you want, you can squeeze it. Squeeze it from the very tippy top if you must.

It's inconsiderate. I feel like some of the tubes now that they're making are different. They're more plasticky than they are... Foily? Yeah. Are they foily back in the day? You know what I mean? So I feel like they squeeze a lot better, the tubes.

And because they've got the cap on them now, as opposed to just a screw on top, some of them, you can leave them, you know, face down or upright. And so all the toothpaste runs. What's the environmentally friendly option here for toothpaste? Okay, so I was just going to say this. Just water. No.

They do those like tablets. You know, like you could just, like they're package free tablets. And you just put them in your mouth and then start brushing, and it'll foam up. Oh, really? Yeah. Because I tried to buy some, like, eco-friendly toothpaste that didn't foam because it doesn't have all the foamy agents in it.

And I don't like it. That's the bad stuff. The packaging stuff. Like, oh, yeah. You remember those ones where it was like, this one stands up and you push in the bottom and you won't waste a single bit of toothpaste, but then it was just this chunky-ass plastic.

Yeah. It was unreusable. And then, like, the tube, the actual tube bit, can't be recyclable. I always take the lid off because that's a straight-up plastic and put that in recycling. Oh, but then that lid will go up a turtle's nostril. No, that's going in the recycling. You break the lid off so it can still breathe. The tube bit's going in the turtle's nostril.

Oh, okay. You misheard me. At least they'll smell minty. Yeah, fresh death. Some feedback. Nikora says, I was going to say the bottom, but deep down.

I know I squeezed from the middle. You're a monster. Middle is while it's full, bottom for when it's nearly empty. You're being desperate. Yep. Jesse says, there's not enough control

squeezing from the bottom. I squeezed from the top third so that I'm literally just squeezing the amount I need. Well, your big dumb monkey hands can't handle that delicate squeeze. Can they, Jess? Get out of here. I can see your hands in her profile picture.

You've got delicate enough hands to squeeze from the bottom, Jess. Alice says, from the bottom because I'm not... Those are her boyfriend's delicate hands, by the way. He's holding his ice cream and she's doing

a sneaky girlfriend look at the ice cream for the profile pic on his phone he's got lovely little datey hands little lady fingers it's good they're

brushing their teeth though at least with all that with all the ice cream all the ice cream yeah probably kissing as well yuck

before marriage I bloody hope not I'm gonna assume they're married I'm gonna assume they are married or I'm gonna flip this table Alice says from the not. I'm going to assume they're married, Fletch. I'm going to assume they are married. Or I'm going to flip this table. Alice says, from the bottom, because I'm not an animal.

Thank you, Alice. Yeah, good. Courtney. Oh, hey, Courtney from last season of Bake Off. Courtney says... Who's that? Yeah, go to Courtney. Oh, she was a good baker.

Good at a muffin. And a cupcake. Courtney says... So you sort of, you tinned cake. Yeah, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You tinned cake. Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, take away your tray.

Take away your tin. Yeah, let's see how good you are without a silicon bake tray. Yeah, let's see. Courtney says, from the middle because I'm lazy. And the bottom feels like too much effort. Well, she's putting all of her effort into muffins and... I know, no time. Ruben says, I squeeze from the middle and you can't tell me what to do. Because I'm a dentist.

Wow, okay. We've got to do because I'm a dentist. Wow. We've got it. Someone's behind any of me lines. See, if I was a dentist, I'd be bringing home that really nice toothpaste. Oh, the orange grit stuff.

Yeah, the orange grit stuff. I wonder that can't be good for you to scrub with every time though, eh? What, the paste? I love that. The mousse. Tooth mousse.

No, it's not a mousse. It's that grit. It's gritty orange stuff. That feels so bad. No, I love that. No, it's too abrasive. Yeah, I love it. It's gritty orange stuff. That feels so bad. No, I love that. No, it's too abrasive. Yeah, I don't think it would be an every time brush. Do you use a medium?

Do you use a medium? I use a medium, yeah. Toothbrush? Yeah. Oh my God, I'm so sad that I don't make hands anymore. I use a soft because I got told off by the dentist. I'm so sad that I don't make hands. You won't have any gums left.

Yeah, no, that's why because I was rubbing my gums off. Your teeth will crumble off. Well, if they couldn't survive, they didn't deserve to. That's my... Only the toughest will survive. Play. ZM's Fletchvorn and Hayley. From the yummy ZM Think Tank, this is the Top Six.

Hi there. The Weekend at the World of Wearable Arts as a surprise move to say we're back, bitch. Sis. Plural. The World of Wearable Arts got the Prime Minister involved.

Oh, okay. To wear something. I said we'll be back, B-word, because they haven't been around for a couple of years because of COVID. COVID-19. So Jacinda was up there modelling.

Looked great too. She looked awesome. Yeah. And people were like, shouldn't she be running her country? And they are the same people that just bloody loved it when John Key put on that World Rugby jersey back in the day. Minced down the catwalk. Minced. Oh, bloody hell he minced.

Full mince. He went full mince. He went full mince. He had mince in the fridge. Tell you what. Yeah. I love mince for days. He became one ofints. He went full mints. He had mints in the fridge. Tell you what. Yeah, Diego. I love mints for days. He became one of the Iron Maidens after that.

Him, Lisa Carrington, Sophie Pascoe. Sarah Walker and Joe Gee was in charge of mints. Cods love mints. Top six prime ministerial modelling gigs you've probably forgotten about. That's today's top six. And here's number six. Helen Clark. She wore something.

She said she'd done it, But we think She'd just signed it And hadn't really done it at all Now I'll explain that Very niche historical reference Because that's the important part Of any Yeah You get it

What about these dummies Listening at her Well Hayley doesn't get it No Once there was an art auction And this piece of art Was auctioned off

As painted by Prime Minister at the time Helen Clark Oh yes I remember this And it turns out She didn't do it at all. She just had somebody else do it and then signed it at the bottom. I was going to do this, remember? Dude, I'd do that too.

I'd be like, I'm the Prime Minister. I suck at drawing. I did a celebrity art auction, remember? And then when I talked about it on the air and so many people messaged me, it was like, do you want me to do it for you? And then I left it too late. And then I made one. I don't think it's sold.

See, that's what Ellen Glynde didn't want. She's like, well, if the money gets raised, who cares, you know? But then it blew up in her face. She's too busy running a country.

She doesn't have time to be doodling. She's not a doodler. She's not a doodler. A drawer. You know, good art takes time. Yeah. Number five on the list

of the top six pro-ministerial modelling gigs you may have forgotten about, Bill English. He modelled a Hawaiian shirt range to go with his Hawaiian pizza, but the weird part about the shirt was it had spaghetti on it as well. Ew. Spaghetti on a shirt.

What a clue. What a clue-ser. He was never going to win the election after that spaghetti pineapple pizza. I grew up on spaghetti pizzas. And I was like, oh, yeah, maybe it's a rural thing. And everyone was just like, go over his throat, kill him. He must die.

Abomination, abomination. Carbs on carbs. He truly wore it, eh? He did. He was just like, oh no. I was trying to be relatable. I'll never try again. Number four on the list of the top six

pro-ministerial modelling gigs you had probably forgot about are Rob Muldoon. Oh, yeah. Rob Muldoon called a snap election when he was OTP. He was drunk. And loved a drink. Punched someone in the guts once. Imagine if the pro-minister did that these days.

He was down at the Meatworks. It was in South Lunday. And because he was national And so anti-union They were trying to get Better working conditions And this guy came up And had him up And moulded him

Oof Punched him in the guts That's so good We need a bit of that Back in there That is so good We need a bit of that Back in there

So Rob Modoon Once moulded a shirt That hides your dribbles Oh yeah When you drunkenly Spill your whiskey Down your shirt It kind of

It's the right colour It just hides Oh okay yeah right Proved to be a disaster, though, as he spilt more than the shirt could carry. Oh, damn. Yeah. So, whoopsie.

Number three on the list of the top six Prime Ministerial modelling gigs you probably forgot about, David Lange. Famous. He was the one that said, I can smell the uranium on your breath. Hell of a debate. A wonderful orator.

And Prime Minister. In the 1980s, he was prime minister, and he modelled a lovely pair of 1980s stubbies. Oh, lovely. Which, of course, led to Scrotalgate. Oh, yeah. You'll remember he wore them to the UN and his balls fell out. Yeah.

Oh, my God. With his jandals. A proud moment for old Te Oroa. Yeah. He walked up to speak and someone was like, Mr. Lange, we can see your scrotum. Oh. Hard to be taken seriously.

Yeah. Hard to be taken seriously. Number two on the list of the top six pro-ministerial modelling gigs you've probably forgotten about, Jenny Shipley. Yeah. New Zealand's first ever female prime minister. Yeah. Yeah.

Rolled the bulge, as they said. Got Jim Bolger out and became prime minister there for a little bit. She modelled everything blue ever. Even all these years later, when she's not even an MP for the little bit. She modelled everything blue ever. Even all these years later when she's not even an MP for the National Party anymore all she wears is blue.

I think that's just her colour. She just looks good She found her colour. She found her colour. Just with the tone of her skin. It just pops.

Yeah just a rich rich blue. And she does it well. Yeah. Number one on the list of the top six Prime Ministerial modelling gigs

you probably forgot about Michael Joseph Savage. Oh, yeah. Legendary New Zealand prime minister. Yeah, led New Zealand into World War II, died in office in 1940 and modelled a lovely Rimu coffin on the way out. Everybody had to have one, darling.

Hard to come across the hardwood, though. Yeah. Hard to come across the hardwood, not for everybody. That is today's top six. Play ZM's Fletch, Vaughn and Hayley. The Nas X. Nas. Nas.

Nas. Was doing a show in Atlanta this week. And he had to pause the concert. And he still had his microphone with him and was like disappeared, went backstage and then was explaining to the audience over the microphone why he had gone backstage and it was because he needed to poop. He just needed a little poop.

He must have, how long was he gone for? He must have. He was kind of narrating it. He was like, guys, this isn't part of the show. I'm back here doing this. Oh. Yeah. You wouldn't want to hear like splish splosh.

No. I think they kind of had, there was the crowd noise. Crowd noise, dancers. Yeah. Like music was playing. It wasn't just like crickets. Anyway, and everyone thought, because he's got such a great sense of humour. Yeah.

A very like outgoing guy. everyone thought it was a gag. He'd done a gag. And he came back and just did the concert and it was fine. Then he shared on Twitter, he said, La Mayo. I love a bit of La Mayo. It's out, I think it's outdated, isn't it? You reckon?

La Mayo. Nah, La Mayo. He said, people really thought I was joking. I was literally back there dropping demons into the toilet. And he needed a poo. I'm really surprised it doesn't happen more at concerts. What do you do? Like, what do you do?

You've got to go. Like, you can always tell there are some bands that, like, halfway through maybe a big rock set or a big stage show, there's this instrumental, maybe some dancers fill the time. Yeah. And they disappear momentarily. You can tell that's maybe a time for a break. Yeah, yeah, rock stars.

And, you know, they can go backstage at Spark Arena, which is still quite a, like we've been backstage a few times with some different events, and it's still, you've got to go back off stage, you've got to go right around to get to the first toilet. So it would be, you'd be rushing. Yeah, stage. You've got to go right around to get to the first toilet. So it would be, you'd be rushing.

Yeah, totally. I'm surprised they don't have like portaloos like right behind the stage. You couldn't put a celeb in a portaloos. Yuck. Yuck. You know, but a nice portaloos. Freshly washed. Yeah.

We've been using portaloos because where we train for marching, there's no bathroom. And then there's a construction site. We're like, I wonder if the portaloos open. Oh, yuck. It's not a flushable. It's not a flushable. At're like, I wonder if the Portaloos open. Oh, yuck. It's not a flushable. It's not a flushable. At festies, they're horrible things.

But I'm surprised that like sports games, another one, you know, like the All Blacks take to the field. And they're absolutely hoon in the, are they Powerade or Gatorade now? They're Gatorade. Gatorade. Electrolytes. But they, electrolytes go right through you.

Absolutely. And then so to wait to halftime, I'm surprised it doesn't happen more. I mean, of course, famously, Fergie once peed her pants. She had a little whoopsie. On stage. And then when people said, like, what happened? She was like, what do you mean what happened?

I needed to pee and I was in the middle of a song and it just came out. Was it the late great Jerry Collins that had that famous, like, I'm popping a squat on the rugby field? And he's like, people do it all the time. It's just that the TV cameras don't tend to linger on them like they did on me. Get out. No. Yeah, they were like take a knee on the side of the field and just

flop the old fella out the leg. Oh, sorry, I thought you meant when you said pop a squat, I thought you meant do a pokeball. Oh, no. I was like, yeah, Vaughn. Jerry, Jerry, no. Yeah, and then he gets a little bag out of his, um, picks himself, you would say what you would, he picked up after himself. He picked after himself, yeah. He certainly did. Oh, my He picked up after himself. He picked up after himself.

Yeah, he certainly did. Oh, my gosh. Well, this is what we want to know. When did nature call? At the worst time. At a bad, bad time. Because usually, like, things like this performance, when I perform, which you'll see me do later for Monday Maestros, adrenaline.

Because I'll often be backstage and be like, I'm going to need a, like, one or two. Because, like, nerves get need like one or two because like nerves get your tummy moving or nervous wheeze but the moment you are out doing the thing

that all disappears and then afterwards it calms down and you could be yeah right and you get regular again but maybe it was a wedding maybe you're walking

down the aisle and you're like no because you're in your wedding dress oh no yeah but it'd be worse if you're in your wedding dress. Oh, no. Yeah, but it'd be worse if you were in a suit. If I was in a dress, maybe it was long enough.

I could have a strategic. No, it'd be worse in a dress than a suit. Just that. No, I'd let her run down the leg. No. Oh, no, no, no. I thought you meant just. No, but I'd see it.

You'd get the patch. Oh, no. I was assuming to go to the bathroom. It'd be easier in a suit than it would be even in a dress. No, but if you... If you were fully dressed up. If, bloody, you know, Canon was playing, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee,

and you're walking down and it's too late. You can't say, like, babe, just wait, I need to pee. All right, well, we want to know when this has happened at the worst moment. When did nature call at a bad time? We accept ones or twos. We don't want the details of the ones or twos. We just want the event. No, I want a textual breakdown. We'll keep itos. We don't want the details of the ones or twos. We just want the event.

No, I want a textual breakdown. We'll keep it clean. We're on the Bristol Stool Show. 0800 DALS at Emerson number. You can text as well. 9696 When did nature call at the worst time? Play. All he did was listen to his body. You know?

The body told him what he needed to do and so he had to pause a concert to do a poo. I didn't mean for that to rhyme, but it did. But, I mean, these things happen. Nature calls. These things happen. The worst thing he could do is to hold on to it and have a sore guts the whole show.

So we wanted to know when nature calls at truly the worst moment. Somebody, some messages in. Somebody said at a funeral, I was a pallbearer. I had to hold it on the way in. Oh my god, they're heavy as well so you're straining. Straining. Had to hold it on the way in. I was like

I'll be able to last and then it hit me through the ceremony so I had to just dip out. I was doing it. It turned out it was a short ceremony. It finished. I was late back to carry the casket out. Everyone was like, just waiting on a final pallbearer. And you can imagine

that would have been the loudest flush in the world too. Oh. Second flush. Yeah. Third flush. Panicky. And then it clears itself.

You're like, walk back out. Okay. Doing that, are we? Okay, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. At my Okay, we're doing that, are we? Okay, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. At my wedding, had to divert back to the accommodation. We'd left, we're on the way to the wedding, and I was like, ladies, we've got to turn back around.

I'm going to pop. I'd been nervous. I hadn't been able to poop in the lead up to it, and they just all hit me at once. Turned around, went back to the accommodation, dress up, had a whole like, because that's the bridesmaids on the day. You're like, the bridesmaids have to help the bride we.

Yes. But they don't have to help her too. Number two, and the groom thought I'd bailed with cold feet. Aww. Surely just a little message to the wedding party, the groom party. Yeah, just taking a little toot. Yeah. Thank you to the person whose phone number ends in 025.

We will not be reading out your message. I will share it with my two workmates afterwards. Give us the gist. No, I won't. It's amongst the worst things I've ever read in my life. I'm opening the text machine. Listen to this. We were on a four-ship helicopter flight back home

after two weeks in the mountains. A what? A four-ship helicopter flight. Is that four helicopters? Yeah, yeah, okay. Some people bold, major is their flag. Oh, that red one, blue. After two weeks in the mountains, no facilities on board,

then we had to circle because there were F-16s in the circuit. Now we've got bloody Tom Cruise doing some whiskey flyby. Where is this? I don't know. Some of us need to go so bad, Bloody Tom Cruise doing some whiskey flyby. Where is this? I don't know. Some of us need to go so bad, the pilots took turns landing in a clearing in the forest while the other three choppers circled above. When it was time for the fourth helicopter to land,

the F-16s left and we were cleared to beeline back to base. So the fourth helicopter never got to land for people to do the emergency poos. Jealous. We were cleared, so we beelined it back to base. fourth helicopter that ever got to land for people to do the emergency poos. Oh, wow. So we beelined it back to base. Very nearly had many on-board accidents. I want to know where that is because we don't even have F-16s.

Sarah, what happened? When did nature call it the worst moment? At work. Oh, but there are toilets at work though. I didn't make it. Oh, but there are toilets at work, though. I didn't make it. Oh! Oh, my God. Where do you work?

What do you do for a living? I work in a busy supermarket. At least you weren't around food. Oh! I had to walk past all my work colleagues. So, wait, were you working the checkout? No, no, no, no. I was out the back.

Right. And then I had to go to the customer toilet because it was closer than the staff toilet. Oh, right. And the customer toilet's like by the information centre, you know, by the checkout. You always got to get the key, don't you? Because they don't let anyone near you, don't they?

Sarah, thanks for your call. Ben, when did nature strike at the worst moment? My mum and I used to work on the back of a mill truck when we were in high school. And we had a pretty busy night. Then there's a chance to stop to use the bathroom. So trying to use the cover of darkness, I kind of popped it outside. And as I was going, it circulated back round, and my mate on the other side of the track popped a pool on the face.

It was a nice sign. What? He what? Popped water in your face? I don't think we need to repeat that. Wait, wait, what? I missed it entirely. I missed it, Ben.

I was hanging out the side of a milk truck, and then it went around the corner. Oh, this has happened to me. We had a big night once and we were driving back from a trip with a group of friends. Old mate in the front. It's chunny time.

Oh, chunny. Not enough time to pull over. She pulls out the window, spooks. My window's down in the back. Yeah, straight back in there. How does that work? What's that? I will never figure that will never Air pressure?

Air dynamics? Yeah I was just I work in a hospital I was just telling a patient's family That the patient Wasn't going to make it Oh no

And the deathly silence Of the room Oh no, you didn't There was And so that's the demons. Also, can I say, I read 025's message that you won't read out on the air. You can see why I didn't read it out. Look, listeners, use your imagination as to why,

what is the contributing factor as to why we can't read it out on the air. I don't know. Next on the show, there's been a study looking at how much Kiwi teens use their phones, social media. And it's a lot. I bet it is.

Play ZM's Fletch Vodden Ailey. Play ZM. Now this data and info came out at the end of last week's Mental Health Awareness Week. Of course. 33% of New Zealand teenagers are spending four or more hours online in an average day. I thought it would have been more, 33%.

Yeah. I mean, I guess that maybe they're spending three hours. Yeah, yeah. It's a lot. Four in ten currently using five or more social media platforms. Well, how many am I on? Insta. Insta, Facebook.

Follow me at Hayley Sproul. Facebook, follow me at Hayley Sproul Comedy. Twitter, follow me at Hayley Sproul NZ. TikTok? Yeah. Hayley's something. Okay. You're trying to be a famous TikToker.

I know, I committed to it. I've made one video. I've made one video. It was a good one though. And Be Real, that's my new fave. So how many is that? Six or five? Five.

Five. So yeah, pretty easy to get to five. Oh yeah, totally. You'd just be on all of them. Snapchat, Bebo, MySpace. Well, I mean, we all know social media can be great, but we also know how problematic it is. Meanwhile, the bloody lawns haven't been done.

Rubbish bins are looking me in the face, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The dishwasher's going to stack itself, is it? Because you've gone down a TikTok hole. Well, no, I'm just saying these bloody kids need to get out there and start doing some chores, you know? Learn the value of a bloody lawn. You're not even doing the chores

because you're on social media. I still do my chores, mate. I always do my chores. Yeah, but you do it for the gram. Yeah, you're literally doing your chores for the gram. You've literally done time-lapse chores and put them on social media.

Yeah. Yeah, they're fickle, that. Yeah. Well, the cool thing about this, these stats and information, is that from next year, there is going to be a new learning module to be launched in New Zealand secondary schools in a bid to combat unethical retouching on social media.

It must be so warped. Because when I was growing up, it was not re... I mean, they were retouched, but it was like the era of models have to be coat hangers. Remember that theory that they were like, why are models so skinny? It's because they're supposed to look like a coat hanger. And then you'd read the magazines and be like, so-and-so went to the beach with cellulite on her thighs.

You'd be like, yeah, yeah. But now it's like all the retouching. Yeah. Chloe Kardashian. So part of a global innovation it's called bodyright.me

bodyright.me and it's an international movement to end unethical retouching. And so in these schools this module

will combat all the things that people are seeing at the moment, issues caused because of social media, mental health issues, eating disorders, body dysmorphia. That's good that they're going to do this. Yeah, it's good.

They're going to say in school, you know, it's okay to post a photo of yourself looking like you. Yeah, totally. It's amazing that it's actually taken this long because how long has social media been part of really instantly accessible? Because I had MySpace, but I had to wait till I got home and then log into the dialer.

Yeah, true. It wasn't on your phone. No, no, and then post it. Whereas they're just on their phones all day. But then even when you did get home and you could go on your MySpace, you couldn't retouch your photos, really, could you? No, I couldn't retouch. I didn't have the ability to,

but you just put on a black and white filter. Yeah. And that angle, that's a retouch, because that's the shape of my face. I've just lost 10 kgs by moving my arm up higher. That was the 0.5 of the day, you know? Yeah, yeah, the 0.5. The upward angle, and then just kind of look up at a little.

Now, are we saying that a 0.5 is, because you know the three of us. Now are we saying that a 0.5 is, because you know the three of us. Well yeah, that's the thing. A 0.5 is where the camera stretches out to a longer.

Sort of a fish eye lens situation. A fish eye lens. Makes us look like we're all seven feet tall with. Yeah, not only can it

make your cosy bedroom look bigger on a real estate, it also makes you look a little bit taller. Makes your legs look very long.

Yeah, but again, it would be the same thing because it's retouching your face, morphing your photo, isn't it? All right. I'm going to post a raw photo, please, today. Fletch.

Sure. Raw and real. Right, okay. I want to see it. Yeah. I saw someone post a raw and real photo last week. They were like, this is me without the filters. I was like, yeah, but that's not fair.

They're a 10. You've got a good face. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like a nine. It's like, you know, is's not fair. They're a 10. You've got a good face. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like a 9. It's like, you know, is this thing happening in school? Got another one. You know, the girl that was always like, I'm going to fail exams. I'm such a dum-dum. It's like, no, you're not. You're going to study really hard and do

really well. Why are you saying you're a dum-dum? Now it's going to be like, I need to use filters. Don't look at me. I'm so ugly. It's like, no, wait a minute. No, you're not. I haven't seen a pimple in your damn life. You damn fool. McDonald's in America for the month of October,

which it is now, and we're already three days into it. That's wild. It's my birthday on Saturday. It feels like I've had one breath, and it's three days into October. It's your birthday on Saturday. It's my birthday on Saturday. It feels like I've had one breath and it's three days into October. It's your birthday on Saturday. It's my birthday on Saturday. It's Aaron's on Thursday. It's our birthday week.

It's my brother's on Friday. Jeez Louise, that's three days in a row. I know. So your parents and his parents are New Year's love makers. Oh, yeah, yeah. We worked that out, didn't we? Best of season. Probably in a meadow, bloody, you know.

Oh, yeah. Waking up after a big dusty night, rolling around in the meadows. And then afterwards they roll over and what's that clench between your dad's butt? Cheeks? It's a four-leaf clover. Oh, my God. Good luck. Good luck.

You can have the best clover in the world. Well, I don't know how we got to your dad's sweet buttocks. I was just saying it's October, it's my birthday. With a four-leaf clover jam between it. But McDonald's is doing an adult Happy Meal. An adult Happy Meal. Your choice in this adult Happy Meal. Big Mac.

Yep. I mean, this is the main player in the Happy Meal. It's like the cheeseburger, it's like the nuggies, it's like the hamburger. Right. What else can you even have? You can't get a Filio fish Happy Meal. You can get a hamburger, cheeseburger, nuggies. Yeah. like the hamburger. Right. What else can you even have? You can't get a Filio fish happy meal.

You can get a hamburger, cheeseburger, nuggies. Yeah. What kind of monstrous child would order a Filio fish? What kind of monster orders a hamburger? It gives cheese in it. Yeah. What about my lactose, mum? That's not real.

Mum, my tummy. But mummy, I can't eat cheese or dairy. I'm lactose intolerant. Just a hamburger for this loser. So it's a Big Mac or 10-piece chicken nugget in the adult Happy Meal. Okay. With large fries and a large drink. So it's large.

Everything's large. Everything's large. And then does it come in a cute box as well? It comes in a box. Yes, it comes in a box. Okay. And then what toy do they give an animal? A Satisfying Pro. And there's a picture of it in the menu

and there's a little sold out sticker on it because they always sell out. It's Grimace, but he goes He's grimacing. He's grimacing, alright. May you grimace, the good type. So there's grimacing, all right. May you grimace the good time. So there's four collectible figurines. See if you can work out what my main problem with this is.

Okay. Grimace. Yeah. The Hamburglar. Yeah. Birdie. And a new character called Cactus Buddy. Cactus Buddy?

Who's missing from that? Ronald McDonald. Exactly. Oh. Who the hell is Cactus Buddy? Who's missing from that iconic? Ronald McDonald. Exactly. Who the hell is Cactus Buddy? He's a new character called Cactus Buddy. No. I hate him and I don't even know what he looks like. He's a cactus.

What about some of the other characters? Not there. Oh, not there. Oh, I don't like them at all. I would have thought the toys would have been a bit more like adult-y, not actual toys. Yeah, like trains and something. I don't know what adult, yeah.

Yeah. Or like guns. Or like a Marvel thing. Yeah, yeah. Or like Lord of the Rings. But then kids would want those as well. They're the worst. They want everything.

But then like my kids now are at the age where they struggle when they go. They still want the Happy Meal but

they're also my children so bigger is better and they're all like yeah, get a Big Mac or a Double Quarter Pounder. That must cost you a fortune. So they get a Happy Meal

with a side of Big Mac. Ugh. Now you're just going to make your own. Lead you dry. Who would do it? Yeah. They're pretty expensive.

So this is Just America in October. Just America, yes. But, I mean, who knows? Heck, if it takes off. I'd rather have the box with the handle. That's fun. The cute little Happy Meal box. Yeah, it's a bit different to the original Happy Meal box.

Is the happiness supersized or you just? Of course, of course. Yeah, does it actually bring you happiness? Like, when you hit it, it does. But as an adult, you're kind of jaded with life and your job. It's so hard to be happy as an adult. Well, you know how happy the bag makes you when you open it and you get hit in the face with all the smells.

But now it's a box. Which, of course, you'll say at the time, I can use this for so many things later. And then you don't. I had non-olds yesterday. What'd you get at non-olds yesterday? I got a brekkie. Oh.

But I also got six pack of chicken nuggets. I was hungover. Leave me alone. How's that journey to health going? Starts today. So at the weekend, went to a restaurant. And hadn't been to this restaurant for a while. Just started catching up with a friend for dinner.

And we went in, sat down. It's one of those, you know, since COVID, a lot of restaurants do the QR code. Yes, order at the table. Yeah. And then so you got to. I love it. Sometimes I love it if it's easy, but some of them you got to fill out all your details and register. And you just want to order a drink and food.

Yeah, I love perusing a menu in my hands not over my phone. I don't need a waitress giving me the, I think that's enough for the table look. I don't want to be told, I don't want to order too much. You fear last time we all went out together. Numb, numb, numb. Good lord the dumplings just didn't stop coming, did they?

Well, I may have found a non-judgmental restaurant worker for you Vaughan, because when we ordered the food, our food was delivered to the table by a robot. Ooh. Like, you know you see those news stories and it's like, old people in rest homes in the future are going to have a robot carer. Of course.

Or like, you know those like hotels in Japan and they have like chicken staffin staff that are robots. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Or like, I imagine these are big in Japan. They're very about their robotic technology. I would describe it as like a giant vacuum cleaner Roomba. I thought you meant like a, hello, how are you? So it was like a giant Roomba, a robot vacuum cleaner,

but then on top of that was a tower where the kitchen could put the plates. Right. This is at Andy's at Sky City in Auckland. It's just reopened. It's been closed for like a year, I think. Free plug. And so, yeah, when you order, the kitchen puts it on. They type in the table number, and then the robot comes,

and it's got like an iPad for a face, and it looks like a cat. What? I didn't comment on that. Didn't Cobb & Co and Rutorua get a couple of these? Maybe. Maybe. Yeah, maybe. I think so.

And then, so, yeah, it comes to your table, and then you take the food, which is for you from the trays, and then you press finished on the screen. What if it's got another table's food on there? Could I grab a couple of their chips? No, I think it just tells one. But yeah, I mean, there's nothing to stop you grabbing someone's chips. But it has to be quick.

They go quite quick. What if you needed to go to the toilet? Does it know how to avoid you if you got up and started walking around the restaurant? Well, it would just wait at your table until it got back. Oh. Right. Right. Apparently there's a Thai restaurant in Blenheim.

Have you witnessed this? Yeah. Producer Anna, Producer Anna, you've... This is you? Where were you in Blenheim? Where were you in Blenheim? When did you go to Blenheim without us? When did you go to Blenheim?

Why did you go to Blenheim? I love Blenheim. Guys, I love Blenheim. It's a great spot. It was January, I believe, this year. Okay. You're telling me there's been a robot waiter in Blenheim and It's a great spot. It was January, I believe, this year. Okay. You're telling me there's been a robot waiter in Blenheim and since January nobody told me.

Also, how strange is the word Blenheim suddenly? Blenheim. Blenheim. It's a very weird word. Blenheim. Well, okay. Same thing? Yeah, and it was quite a small restaurant.

And I thought, do you have the sort of capacity and the need? Do you have the need? I wonder how much they cost. That's the weird thing is that people when I sent this around and I told people this, they said, well they must have no staff. But they have even more staff than they've ever had because they still bring your drinks with a human

and humans still come to your table and clear the tables. How can the robot not carry drinks? Is it a bit jerky? I think it's a bit jerky for drinks. For a, giant cider. There's also one, we're getting multiple reports. Of robot waiters. Whereabouts are robot waiters? Right here.

Okay. Someone said it's in Nelson, not Blenheim, FFS. But then maybe there's one in both. Maybe Nelson heard about what Blenheim did and they were like, well, we can't do that, we're fierce rivals. They are fierce competitors. I don't think we need to swear at the producer. Nelson and Blenheim. FFS. FFS, yeah, we can't do that. We're fierce rivals. They are fierce competitors. I don't think we need to swear at the producer. Nelson and Blenheim.

FFS. FFS, yeah, that was very aggressive. But there's an Indian restaurant in West Auckland that has a robot as well. I mean, it's obviously the future of waiting. Where are they ordering these robots from? The person has said, I apologise for swearing. Thank you. Apology accepted.

No, it's good to recognise when you're wrong. There's one in Dunedin at Common Co. You push the button and it returns to the kitchen. There's one at Sky City in Hamilton. Okay, Sky City, Minnesota. Wait, is everybody going to robot waiter and I've not seen one? Well, you need to. They need to be at the wrong three.

I've not seen one, zero, zero, one, one, zero, zero. Not even zero, zero, one, one. That's a little warm-up. That's a little warm-up. He's on. He's on. He is on. There's a push for more women to get into the world of fishing and hunting.

I think hunting and fishing is the preferred order. Well, no, that's the store, isn't it? No, that's the store, and I'm not giving them a free plug. Yeah, I bought into the branding. They're not getting anything out of me. Right. Okay, cool. Fishing and hunting.

Fish and Game New Zealand is pushing for more women to get into the game. After a ministerial review last year found a lack of engagement in terms of women. Right. Bit old-fashioned, I guess, to assume that we don't hunt and fish. Well, yeah, plenty of women do, don't they? Get out there. Yeah, because that's why they made the pink camo. Yeah, but it's still a...

The Ridgeline pink camo. The Ridgeline pink camo. Really, right. But it's still a sausage fest. It's still a sausage fest. A venison sausage fest. Or a tar or a wild pork sausage fest. Absolute sausage fest.

Yeah, I know. It's out there. We need to make it more of... No. I was trying to think of a different fest. Just more women getting involved. Now, I used to fish a little bit with my dad. But a fly fishing?

My dad does butterfly fishing. No, mine was like off the wharf. I can imagine that would be super relaxing. Fly fishing on a river. Yeah, because you've got a lovely river. Wharfs are chaos. Wharfs are chaos. Kids are doing bombs off them. Boats are coming and going.

But I can imagine, you imagine just... Yeah. Being out in the bush. Yeah, lovely. Well, I grew up near the ocean, so we did wharf fishing. Yeah. I never caught anything. But my dad lives near a river now, so he does a fly fish.

Fly fish. Yeah, he gets in. He just goes in quietly. He never catches anything. No, I don't think it's about catching anything, is it? No, it's just about getting out with nature. But do you feel you could get more into the outdoors? Or it doesn't interest you at all?

Every time I'm in the outdoors and I go for a walk, I think, I should do this more often. I have no desire to, though. You know what I mean? It's always retrospectively that you're like, yeah. But they're not talking about parking at a car park and doing a round 40-minute loop to the waterfall. Oh, if you take your shotgun, I think it counts.

They're talking about, like, really getting out there in nature. Trout fishing, salmon fishing, hiking, hunting, the works. Now, I should never hold a gun. I have an impulsive sort of strain to me. Right. You have a trigger here personality. Yeah. I feel like if we went hunting and I got my rifle.

Yep. Yep. And I'd just be like, boing. Boing? You can see the noise they make of boing? I'd be like, boing, boing, boing, boing. What's happening? The deer won't go down.

Boing, boing, boing. No, I won't get hit because I would definitely rock the pink camo. Right. Have you ever stayed overnight, like, in a bivvy or a dock hut? They're great when you're by yourself. We do a little bit of camping. Okay. But I wouldn't sleep in a dock hut ever.

Wow. Why not? No, they're just, like, strangers there. My friend's got bed bugs there. I don't want a bar of it. Right. That was during the great bed bug epidemic. Bed bug epidemic.

The bed bug epidemic. Epidemic. The bed bug epidemic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They were everywhere. They were inescapable. Yeah. Here's a wild therapy.

Oh, my gosh. I think we're all falling to bits. Falling to bits. A wild theory. A wild theory. Oh, my gosh. I think we're all falling to bits. Falling to bits. A wild theory. A wild theory. The outdoors kind of suck. No, I love the outdoors. Bugs.

M-O-T-H-ers. I'm not in the mood to talk about it today. I'm not in the mood to talk about it today. I will say we've got some big ones. Far out. Shut, shut, shut. Put it in. Shut.

Put it in. Yeah. Your egg mouth. Feral poss out. Shut, shut, shut. Put it in. Shut. Put it in. Yeah. Your egg mouth. Feral possums. Yeah, possums. Mud? There's mud. There's like weeper.

There's like, it's cold or it's too hot. Or it's too wet. You put it in the sunshine. It's wet. It's rainy. The food's not as good as a restaurant. I think you're... Dude, nothing rules more than pouring hot water into a bag, shaking the

hell out of it, leaving it to sit and coming back five minutes later and you've got lovely roast with mashed titties. Oh, I would never eat a dehydrated meal. Ew. Ew, no. Right. We'll see how your Queen Margaret's is showing. Absolutely leaking out of me at the moment. See, this is the problem. This is the

problem they face is getting people into the great outdoors, hunting and fishing, this is the problem. This is the, you know, the problem they face is getting people into the great outdoors, hunting and fishing, this kind of attitude. I don't have the text machine open, but people are going to be absolutely coming for me. Clean green New Zealand. No one's seen that so far. But I want other people to jump on board with me. Why does the great outdoors suck, Bert?

What's the yuckest thing about being outdoors? I remember once we were camping and we woke up in the morning and Sade's like, what's that on the... This is the time I've ever known her to sleep in a tent.

Yeah. The one time. Yeah, Sade's with me, I feel. Absolutely. She's done the... She's said in the docket though. Yeah, she has. The best part was

we went as a group and she didn't want to look like a drama queen in front of everybody else so she played it cool. Yeah, she was like, I'm down with this but the whole night she was like, ew, ew, though. Yeah, she has. The best part was we went as a group, and she didn't want to look like a drama queen in front of everybody else, so she played it cool. Yeah, she was like, I'm down with this. But the whole night she was like, ew. Ew.

Ew. We woke up, and there was a snail crawling over the tent. And she's like, what's that? I was like, it's a snail. And she was like, ah! And like scooting out of the tent. I'm like, no, you're running into its domain. Stay in here.

It can't get through the tent. Also, we live in New Zealand. Like, it's not like you're camping in Australia or America where there's snakes and stuff like that. Aaron's always had a dream to do the Great Appalachian Trail. Oh, my God. Oh, yeah. There's like thousands of kilometres, right? Yeah, it's like people can be on there for like months sometimes.

Yeah, and that's got proper animals. Yeah, bears are parts of it. Cougars. See, but I wouldn't mind a bear. A bear's better than a gross, I was going to say skank. Like a possum.

Yeah, right. You know what I mean? Well, maybe, so you want to hear from people that have had a bad experience with the outdoors.

Aaron once had to, so Aaron once, there's a quick little, Aaron once lived on a paintball ranch in a caravan. What? What? What?

He once lived in a paintball, like he lived on the place in a caravan and he ran this paintball. Did he get free paintballs? Yeah, yeah, totally. And he always had these like paintball guns around

and once there was a possum on the roof keeping him awake so we went outside and had to murder it with a paintball gun. How many shots? Like endless. And he felt so bad.

He was, like, trying to get rid of it. Are you sure it wasn't just pink at the end of it? No, he killed it. Wow. I mean, they are pissed. It took some brute strength. They are pissed. They are pissed.

But every animal should be... Humane. He was trying. He was trying his best. Okay, well, Aaron's been cancelled. Stagged. Yeah. All right, well, we want to know the yuckiest part about the outdoors. He was trying. He was trying his best. Anyway, Aaron's been cancelled. Stagged. Yeah.

All right, well, we want to know the yuckiest part about the outdoors. What's the yuckiest bit about being outside? What can't get you outdoors? Maybe even,

you don't even like to sit on the deck. You know, it doesn't have to be that you're going rogue or wild. Tell us why it's just better to be inside. Maybe you've had

a really bad camping experience. Why does the outdoors suck? What's the yuckest bit about the outdoors? This is the problem. They want to get women out there. We don't want to do it. We want to get our nails done. I mean, speak for yourself.

We want to go for a little shop, get our nails done, and have a good goss. And I speak on behalf of all women. There'd be plenty of guys as well that don't like the outdoors as well. I don't know. I wouldn't dare speak on behalf of the opposite gender. Well be plenty of guys as well that don't like the outdoors as well. I don't know. I wouldn't dare speak on behalf of the opposite gender. Well, hunting and fishing. No, not the store.

Who's with the fishing game? Fishing and hunting New Zealand. Yeah. They want more people, more women especially, to embrace the outdoors. They say the numbers are rising, but it's still very one-sided. And I've already said I'm not going to get involved. I can't be trusted with a gun. I simply can't be.

Too impulsive. Yeah, and also the outdoors suck. Paris, what's the yuckest thing about the outdoors? When you've got the homemade citronella and it doesn't really work and you're just sitting there bitten and sticking. It doesn't work. It doesn't work.

Citronella doesn't work. I mean, I don't know the environmental impact of a 40% deep, but you've got to go, that stuff that you can't even breathe, you spray it on and you're like, hold your breath. You're just like, oh, I'm dying. That's what it's like to be in a car and get a brand new paint job. Oh, yeah.

But then you're like in the outdoors and they have to get into your sleeping bag and you're all slimy and deety. Yeah. Paris, do the Moseys like you? They definitely do. Right, so does that put you off the outdoors then?

I do love camping, but yeah, can't say I love everything sticking to me. Do you know what's not sticky? The indoors. Try it out. It's true. Close the doors, air con on. Paris, thanks, you're cool. Megan, what's the it a go. Close the doors. Air con on. Paris, thanks.

You call Megan. What's the yuckest thing about the outdoors? I have to agree with the lady before, Miss Pico's. Nothing worse than sitting outside, having a drink, and you've got that meeeing in your head. Or you're sitting there completely wrapped in a blanket on a 30-degree night because they're eating you. Okay, so you're not getting into the great outdoors then?

Hunting and fishing? Not really. I don't want to be sprayed up with the toxic stuff that you can't breathe either. Oh, well, make a bloody choice, Megan. What do you want? No, but don't worry about the environment. The environment doesn't matter.

You can be indoors. Indoors. Stay inside and drink. Yeah. Stay inside with your wines, yeah. And do my nails. Stay inside with your wines. And do my nails. Yeah, do your nails, girl.

We'll meet up, we'll meet up, we'll meet up. Megan thinks you call some messages in. Long drop toilets are getting a lot of votes here. Oh, yeah. Long drop toilets. They are yuck, but you just hold your breath and you just do it in and out. Somebody said once I was using a long drop toilet. Long drop.

Why do I keep saying long johns? This is the pirate. Long johns also suck, though. No one looks good in a toilet, long drop, why do I keep saying long johns? This is the pirate Long johns also suck though, no one looks good in a set of long johns. No, thermal long johns.

Hey, we get long johns, how embarrassing. I was using a long drop toilet and a blowfly swam right into my butthole. That's what I think,

I always think something's going to come up from underneath and hit it. It's not going to enter but it'll bounce off. You'll know it's there, you'll feel the flap

of the wings. Flyers see the light don't they and they fly towards it. Yeah, mine's very enter, but it'll bounce off. You'll know it's there. You'll feel the flap of the wings. Fly and see the light, don't they? And then fly towards it. Yeah. Yeah, mine's very bright. Take it as a compliment. Peter, what's the yuckest thing about the outdoors?

I reckon there's nothing worse than when you're at a campsite. All of a sudden, there's a bunch of kids running around, making all the noise, just never stop. And then you try and ignore them, try and send them away. Yeah. And then they just, Dad,, try and send them away. Yeah. And then they just, Dad, I'm hungry. Dad, I'm bored. Peter, are they your kids that you're trying to get to go away?

Somebody else's. Peter, are you ignoring your kids again? Isn't that what you do when you're camping? Yeah. Pretty much, yeah. We went camping once and we literally set up a caravan right next to the camper van that's number plate was no kids. We're like, boy, do we have a treat for you two.

Well, that's the good thing about the indoors is you can send them out, go outside, and then you lock the doors and they're out there. Peter, thanks for your call. Niamh, what's the yuckest thing about the outdoors? The sun. Yeah. Oh, yes. How dare the sun be out there?

Oh, really? Yeah, so, like, obviously, you don't want to be sunburned. Being sunburned sucks, so I do my SPF moisturizer on my face every morning. But the idea of slathering my body in sunscreen makes me want to gag, so I just don't go outside. It stains your clothes as well. It does. It, like, bleaches towels.

I'll tell you what, I need a lovely rashie, a long-sleeved rashie. Oh, wow. Yeah, like, my flatmates will sit out onie. A long-sleeved rashie. Yeah, like my flatmates will sit out on the deck in summer and be like, come out, join us. There was music on and I'll sit on the couch inside the door like, yay, that looks great. But that's what we do. Like when people create outdoor spaces, all they do the whole time is try to make it more indoorsy.

Like do you know, I'm going to put a roof about this. I'm going to put a couch. I'm going to put a TV out here. N'm going to put a couch. I'm going to put a TV out here. Niamh, thanks. You call some messages to finish. Wasps. Somebody said awful little danger flies and when you go outside they're just everywhere. Someone said, you guys

heard of skinks? Oh, I love a skink. Oh, this person says the absolute worst thing about being outside. They're like the universally loved lizard, aren't they? The skink. They're kind of like, oh, imagine if you were 20 times as big with sharp teeth, you'd be an alligator.

Also, you see like two skinks in your lifetime. Dude, we've got so many skinks at our house. Our way. It's skink city. West Auckland. Oh, really? Yuck. Skinks.

Careful, don't say skinks because they'll get you. Yeah. What we meant was skinks. Yeah. Skinks. Bathroom situations. I'm a nervous peer, as it is. So let alone having to unzip a tent

five times a night. Feels like it echoes through the whole camp. You get a bit smelly when you're away a few days, don't you? You do get a little bit smelly. You forget the Vaughan Smith dock heart rule. The minute I get there, because there's always two buckets for ashes, I always empty one out, clean it out, fill it up with cold water,

put it on top of the fire, heat it up, and then I say to people, I'm going to be out here naked, avert your eyes, up to you, but I'm going to be out here naked, and you go and you have a hot wash. Beautiful. Bang my microphone, I was so excited. Beautiful little bath in the middle of the bush.

You didn't have to apologise to all of those Swedish backpackers, though, did you? I don't think I did. I don't think I did. I don't think I did. You definitely did. Play. ZDM's Fletchvorn and Hayley. Fact of the day, day, day, day, day. Yeah. Today's Fact of the Day is brought to you in part by a funny thing producer Jared said before the show

when he said the new King Charles coins, the first ones have been released by the British Mint or the Royal Mint as to what they're going to look like. Oh yeah, I would have guillotined somebody if I was him. Oh, you might not use the young, the queen got to use the young pitch. Yeah, or just give the, you know, the gobble a bit of a tuck. Real double chin. Cheek and everything.

Oh, look, we've all got them. And no crown. No crown. The crown would make the whole thing whole. Yeah, I know. The queen, yeah, queen wore the crown. Well, one of the coins minted shows on one side

King Charles and on the other side Queen Elizabeth II at two different stages of her life. Right. With the dates 1926 to 2022 on it.

Yeah. And Jared said, did you know the Queen's middle name was Regina? Which I said, it absolutely wasn't. And he's like, it says Elizabeth Regina. Regina. Regina.

What? Regina? Regina. Regina. Not Regina. You're really hitting the gine. Yeah. It's Regina.

I tend to. Ouch, my Regina. Exactly. Stay tuned for my stand-up comedy tip. Anyone with a Regina out there? Regina. Regina. Regina George.

Elizabeth Regina. And I said, no, it's not. And I recounted, I learned this because it always says E-R-2. Yeah. The R stands for Regina. Regina. But Regina is the Latin word for queen. So that's not her middle name.

Her name is not Regina. It is the Latin word for queen. And it's why you'll see Charles III Rex. It's because Rex is the Latin word for king. Tyrannosaurus Rex is king of the terrible. King Charles King and Queen Elizabeth Queen. No, because they don't say it. It just says Elizabeth Regina. Regina. Regina. King and Queen Elizabeth Queen. No, because they don't say it. It just says Elizabeth Regina.

Regina. Regina. And it says Charles Rex because the Rex takes care of the king. And it's this Latin tradition that started, like, hundreds and hundreds of years ago. Do you reckon they use it as a nickname? Reggie. Or Johnny and Rexy.

Johnny. Johnny. Yeah. China. No, you probably wouldn't call the Queen China. No. You sound like Donald Trump trying to say China wouldn't call the Queen China. No. You sound like Donald Trump trying to say China. China.

China. China. So today's fact of the day is when you see Rex beside Charles and... Regina. Regina beside... I can't get Regina out of my mind. Of course you can't. You're a hot-blooded male.

24-27. Let's talk about hunting and fishing. He's got me red hot for the... Nope. The R stands for Rex and Regina, which is Latin for king and queen. Fact of the day, day, day, day, day. Yeah. Play ZM's Fletchford and Hayley. Play ZM.

Kick off that beard. Go for it. Kick off that beard, that one there. Fletchford and Hayley's Monday Maestros. Well, I'm on the stand-up comedy mic because apparently I have to go first. Absolute stitch-up. You've taken your laptop.

This is good. This is a good start. I like to see it. Well, I know I've got some jokes in there on my laptop. A real comedian, Guy Montgomery,

do you want to see an entrance? I know you don't. I think that, oh yeah, unless you guys want to. I feel like the amount of nervous energy

flying around is enough as it is. Are you going to back announce, Guy? Yeah, I can announce. I can announce. Okay. Well, for those that have just joined us, it's Monday Maestros.

We have homework over the weekend. Today, our homework was to prepare and deliver a one-minute stand-up comedy set. Yeah. Some jokes. Vaughn, like me, you don't want to be here. We've been stitched up. This is horrible. No, you can't let the audience know that you're nervous.

I didn't know Guy was going to be in here until this morning. I thought you were just going to listen to him on the phone a bit, but you're in here for everything. Yeah, I've come in here. Can we paint a picture for the audience who can't see you? For our listeners. Can we get a photo of this? Because people are going to see the filmed bit

and it's going to be two different cameras and you're probably going to think, oh, guys, eight metres away. He's literally... Oh, a metre and a half? Yeah, a metre and a half. He's not using the two metre COVID buffer. There's also lights set up, a camera crew.

It's a full noise production. Right, so I'm going first and then who? And then Vaughan? I don't know. Hayley's headlining. Hayley's bought it for herself. She literally was just at the comedy gala at Wellington over the weekend. This is an unfair advantage.

Yeah, well, this guy was there as well. Yeah, I was there, yeah. I ate it. I shouldn't be judging this at all. Oh, really? Did you? No, no, I was incredible. People loved it.

Damn it! You're so funny. All right, okay. All right. Give them a back announce. Okay, good evening. Oh, no, good're so funny. All right, okay. All right. Give them a back announce. Okay, good evening. Oh, no, good morning, everyone. Welcome along to the Monday Maestro's Comedy Show.

Would you please welcome to the stage your first act? It's Fletch. Hi, everyone. Oh, tough crowd. You haven't done anything. That was the joke. Oh, my God. I'm bombing already.

When does this minute start? It started. No, it hasn't started. No, I'm wasting. That was five seconds I wasted. What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? What do you get? Just a polar bear.

Because it eats the seal. It ate the seal. That's all that's left. Give him that one, give him that one, Jared. Oh! Short laugh. Did you hear about the farmer who drove his sheep through the town? No, I didn't hear about that.

He was actually given a ticket for making a U-turn. I don't know if I deserve this. He's laughing. Medium laugh. What happens to an illegally parked frog? What? Oh, I know. Gets towed away.

Don't, excuse me, don't heckle me, sir. Is it a rhetorical question? God, there's always one, isn't there? What do you call a bear with no teeth? What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear. I want to point out for the record, Hayley is either

laughing a lot at me or at that joke. I'm loving it, mate. I'm loving it. Thank you. Best Foods Comedy Gala 2023. Anyway, at the weekend I was having dinner with my good friend Armie Hammer, the actor. What? We were eating a clown, and I said,

does this taste funny to you? Thank you, everybody. Good night. Really brought it home. Wow. Okay, who's up next? I'll pass you the headphones, Vaughn. And if you could intro Vaughn, please.

All right, keep it going for Fletch, and please welcome to the stage your next actor on the Monday Maestro's comedy show. It's Voy! Hi, everybody. I just set my swipe pad off. I'm not at work. Woo-hoo!

Thanks, everybody. Take it off! A bit of mic adjustment. I asked my children what I should talk about. They said the unfunniest thing to talk about is Brussels sprouts. So here's one minute on Brussels sprouts. How do you think Brussels sprouts felt when that kid said he loved corn so much and it got made into a song?

It's not like corn needed any more hype. It's already got popped. It's got candy. It's got that 90s band that everybody loved at the time. It doesn't need any more help. The closest Brussels sprouts got to, for a pop culture reference, was Hootie and the Brussels sprouts. Which wasn't even its name.

But if you knew that, chances are you're one of those people that says, oh no, Brussels sprouts are great. Brussels sprouts are great. I'm in my mid-30s, I'm the household shopper. Who doesn't love Brussels sprouts? Everybody but you, mid-30s household shopper, and you are the one person that marketers

are no longer interested in marketing to. Brussels sprouts aren't even named after the coolest city in Europe. How about Vienna sprouts or Paris sprouts? You know what else is from Brussels? Jean-Claude Van Damme. The muscles from Brussels. Anyway, thanks for your time. Have a good night.

Oh, wow. Keep it going for Vaughan, everyone, and welcome to the stage, your self-professed and dictated headline act. It's Hayley! How are we going tonight? So good Yeah, yeah, you here on a date sir?

No Oh wow Do you want to be? With you? Yeah I'm pretty happy at home Nah, nah No, don't go on a date with me, I'm a little bit unstable

Actually this year I started seeing a therapist, early this year I had my first session in January And I was really nervous, but I needn't have been because I absolutely smashed it. I absolutely smashed it. Before I could even leave the room, the dude was begging for me to come back.

It was full on, to be honest. I couldn't go back. Anyway. But this therapist, right, he loved talking in metaphors. He kept saying to me, Hayley, Hayley, a good captain goes down with his ship. You know, which I think is a bit harrowing. You know, in this situation, you shouldn't say that to a client. What's the ship in this situation?

And I couldn't help but think a good captain always goes down with his ship now I think there's a case for an argument here that a good captain arrives at his port uninterrupted you know, how many times am I down at the water just trying to enjoy some guilt free fish that's a reference to an earlier bit of my set

you know, watching a ship on the ocean go down, 500 people drowning, losing their life, and people keep elbowing me being like, hey, look at that, one hell of a captain, isn't it? Anyway, I am finished. Thank you. Thank you. Well done, Hayley.

I can't help but feel like I've heard that before. Wow. Incredible. Everyone brought something completely different. And the main thing I noticed is that only one of you brought their own material. Hayley, whose material were you doing? No, I was just making... Oh, come on.

I'm on. Am I on? Yeah, hello. I was just making an observation the other day, you know, because I saw my therapist and he was saying to me. Yeah, yeah. Except he goes down with a ship. It's incredible. I mean, it could just be a case of parallel thinking,

but I'm almost certain I had a very similar crop of jokes. Did you? And you should have heard them when I tell them. They're incredible. Surely you didn't make reference to eating a guilt-free fish because that's about me feeling really weird about eating fish in the sky. That's right, fish on a plane, yeah. It's crazy to think you and I stumbled into the exact same premises

and punchlines. But you know, a million monkeys on a million typewriters. That's right, yeah. But the thing is, Guy, look, you're the judge of the content here. What, are you going to say that the content wasn't good? I'm not just judging the content, I'm also judging the performance. And obviously, joke for joke, your set was out of sight. Incredible.

But that's like you watching me march. It's just not fair. I'd like to give you all some quick notes. Fletch, I thought that you closed with the strongest joke. I did notice you didn't make eye contact with me once. I don't like making eye contact. And you were holding a laptop the whole time and very clearly reading jokes from a joke page.

Yes. But I could see you getting into it. By the time you got to Armie Hammer, you knew that people were going to be laughing. So that was outstanding. Vaughn, one topic, staying on it for a minute, real classy stuff. And you attacked it from every angle,

which is what you like to see in stand-up. It's like you like to see someone open up a premise and you want to see them have fun with it for as long as possible. Some of the jokes were a little bit esoteric or maybe like, you know, like you were on one train of thought and then sometimes you'd pull something from way left field

and I think it's not quite of a piece, but I thought it was a very strong performance. Hayley, you joke thief. You are banned from the comedy industry. So my winner of today's Monday Maestro, everyone already knows who it is, is Vaughan Smith. He did it.

He did it. That's him. He's won three. It's probably because he's the best. Probably because he can't argue with the Swiss. Fletch, you're still on zero. I've got to stop cheating. I've really got to stop cheating.

Guy Montgomery, thank you so much. Just quickly, Guy Montgomery, comedian, has been in judging our Monday Maestro segment. He's still here. Yeah, I'm still here. Can you not see me, man? Just make eye contact with me for once in your godforsaken life. He's still here, guys.

He's still here. He's intimidated here, guys. He's still here. He's intimidated by you. I'm not a spectre. You can talk to me, bro. He considers you the dangerous dog of New Zealand comedy. Don't eyeball it. It'll take as an act of aggression. You're currently doing a whole bunch of films.

We're not making them, but you're watching a whole bunch of films that you never saw in your childhood. That's right. In Auckland, I'm screening a monthly film. It's a night called You'd Love It with Guy Montgomery and they're classic films that people have always told me I'd love but I've never seen and so I'm watching them.

And you'll like this, all of you as recently blooded centre comedians. Before it I write a little stand-up set where I speculate about what might happen in the film. I wondered if you were just going to sort of be there sitting and watching the film. Yeah, yeah. You're paying for the right to be in a cinema simultaneously. And so I've done The Wizard of Oz was the first one.

Have you guys seen that? I've never seen The Wizard of Oz. Incredible film. Oh, my gosh. You'd love it. You'd bloody love it. And then I saw a movie called The Terminator. Have you seen that?

Yeah. I've never seen that. Well, I have now. I didn't see The Terminator until I was well into my teens. My mother would not have stood for that sort of violence. That's right. And then tomorrow night in Auckland at the Capitol Cinema, I'm screening a movie called Gremlins.

Does anyone know this movie? I know it. I've never seen it. Wow. Have I got an opportunity for you. I might see it tomorrow night. Tomorrow night at the Capitol, doors open 7.45. You'll introduce the film at 7.50

Screening starts at 8 You can get your tickets at thecapitol.co.nz Guy Montgomery, thank you so much for coming in Thank you so much for having me And congratulations to all of you Who knows, if you stick with comedy in 10 years You might get a job on the radio Hello, Soundkeeper Georgia here

So I've actually banned producer Jared from playing the Secret Sound guesses from the show in the Fletch, Fawn and Hayley podcast. Instead, you need to listen to our Secret Sound podcast to get it, where you can text SECRET9696 and you'll get a link directly to the podcast. Or you can just follow our socials, Secret Sound everywhere. All right, toodles. See you, see you later. Actually, I'm going to have to stop you there. Alright, toodles. See ya, see ya later.

Actually, I'm going to have to stop you there, that's copyrighted. Susie Cato is a very good friend of mine.

She's already sued me twice, so if you could maybe get her to drop her litigious action, that would be great.

Tell her I'll review her five stars if she does the same for this podcast and then she tells all her friends. And if you're

listening, maybe give it five stars as well.