ZM's Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley - Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley Podcast - 6th December 2022

Episode Date: December 5, 2022

Unlimited Leave  Top 6: Sevens  Silly Little Poll!  Fact of the Day Day Day Day Daaaaay!Ice Cream Index  Don't Get Fletch Started!  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

The ZM Podcast Network. Play ZM's Fletch, Vaughan and Hayley. Hello, welcome to the Fletch, Vaughan and Hayley podcast. It's thanks to McCafe, Simply Good Trophy. Trophy? Trophy? Trophy. That's a new invention.

Oh, like toffee, truffle. Truffle flavoured coffee. No, because it's like cheesy-ish. Yeah, no, I was thinking more like it's toffee coffee. That's just caramel. Triple toffee coffee. That's just caramel. Triple toffee coffee. That's just a caramel latte, isn't it? But then toffee would be toffee.

Where does the R come from? It needs to be a tri- Anyway, simply good coffee. Try their delicious and refreshing iced coffee. Now at Macca's. And their trophies. And their trophies. Oh my gosh, yes, trophies.

Delicious trophies. Christmas is, if you're listening to this On the day of the podcast release Within Cooey isn't it 19 days away 19 18 and a bit 18 sleeps yeah Shade said to me yesterday

I got home and she wasn't home And I said where are you And she said I'm just out And I said that sounds expensive Because it is Whenever she says she's out Oh yeah yeah This is when Aneen Bing comes home

Oh yeah Do you know I saw the other day He's out Aneen Bing comes home Oh yeah Do you know I saw the other day Anine Bing does sunglasses Oh fuck Have you checked her sunglasses? No Because I was looking the other day But it's also really bad now

Like I'll put a video up of my lovely wife Beautiful, saintly, gorgeous wife And someone will be like Oh my god that cake You know I just can't get enough I'm snacking on that thing the whole time What? She loves it.

I like to let her know that I appreciate her in all avenues of marriage. Spiritually. Sexually. And dead ass. Dead ass falls under the sexually. Yeah. Sexually. Kieran, she's wonderful.

But now when I put a video up of her, if someone's like, do you know your wife's t-shirt costs $92? Oh no Don't do that And it's women that are doing it Oh really? It's the sisterhood I thought the sisterhood was sacred

I didn't want to start there That's not what I was doing Well you inadvertently did I inadvertently pulled a terrible face When you mentioned her hoodie Yeah And now people are dobbing her in. They can't. Yeah.

Don't say that. Aaron was hanging around with some of my friends. She said can't. She said can't. You can't do that. I was hanging out with some of my friends the other day and Aaron was arriving and I was like, chat, chat, chat. Oh, by the way, this was gifted me from work.

Hey, babe. Oh, really? Yeah, chat. Oh, by the way, this was gifted me from work. Hey, babe. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. You liar. Just every now and then, though I did make a purchase yesterday and I just told him because I couldn't get the smile off my face.

What did you purchase? A vintage art print. Oh, yes. This is the one you pried from the cold, dead hands of a woman's mother? Yes. You did that thing on Trade Me. I hate when people do this.

I'll buy it. Just stop the auction. I'll buy it. Do you do a buy now? No, it's in. I'm going to let it run. Halfway through now. We're letting it run.

No, no, just give it to me. This was me. In the comment section, it was like, I said, would you consider a buy now? I've asked a couple of questions about it. And then I said, would you consider a buy now? And she said, sure. Flick me an offer. I made an offer. And then she was like, I'm going to let the auction buy now? I've asked a couple of questions about it. And then I said, would you consider a buy now? And she said, sure. Flick me an offer. I made an offer.

And then she was like, I'm going to let the auction run. And I doubled my offer. And I went, what about this? And she was like, when would you be able to pick it up? Tomorrow, if you want. When are you going to do this? Tomorrow. Cancel the auction.

Call me. Wow. You put the pressure on. You put the thumbtacks. Wow. You must have really wanted this picture. I've wanted it for years. And when I saw it, I was like, I'm not going to let it slip by.

Did you get a bargain? Yeah, I think I did. Is it one of those old landscapes where a stag's like roaring over a foggy lake? No, not a landscape. Portrait. My grandparents all had these. It must have been a thing in like the 50s to get massive painted landscapes. Anyway, she wasn't out buying anymore on Nian Bing.

She was Christmas shopping for the children. Oh, that's good. And she said, yes, because Christmas is coming up in that tone. Oh, it's eight Nian sleeps. Like I didn't know that. And she said, and I'm doing all the Christmas shopping. And I said, I said I'd do the Christmas shopping, but I was going to buy the girls one decent present each,

and I'm still going to do it. And you know what I'm getting, August? What? A bow and arrow. Oh, my God. She did archery at school camp, and she apparently, A, was the only kid that hit the target all three times she shot the arrow.

She's gifted. She's gifted. We're going to pat Miss Everdeen on our hands. Having done archery when I was a primary school to intermediate age kid, it's very expensive, that sport. So don't get too into it. I'm just getting a bloody $90 bow and arrow. But like an actual arrow

that would pierce through something? Yeah. You can get ones that have like sucky ends that you can shoot at the glass. Yeah, get the sucky end. This is only going to end in one of your- What am I raising? Some fucking wimps?

What, are the Russians invade? They're going to shoot them with sucky darts? You're going to go home and one of you, Hermione, will have an arrow sticking out of the back of it. Yeah, exactly. That's true. That's true. We need a wall of hay.

Or your neighbour's horse. Which I'd be here for. Jeez, that'd be, yeah, that'd be something. So you're getting a bow and arrow? I'm getting a bow and arrow, but I don't know what to get Indy. You want sort of one significant gift. One decent thing for like a 10 nearly 11 year old Potato cannon

A piano A potato cannon I want a potato They don't have to be weapon things The sound of potato cannon Move Do it Okay weapons for the kids then

She'd love a potato cannon Thank you Nork Norks She'd love a potato cannon. Thank you, Knock Knocks. Good morning. Welcome to the show, Fletch, Fawn and Hayley. It's two minutes past six. Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock. You know, yesterday when newsreader Lee Plummer just disappeared. And we were like, what's happened?

We were like, where is she? She had to go to hospital. I know, she had to go to hospital. I know. She had a terrible asthma attack. Our thoughts and prayers are with Leigh Plummer this morning. Yeah, and then apparently it turns out it was also COVID. Yeah. Along with 35,000 other New Zealanders this week.

I know. I saw those numbers. How are you two placed for your second bout? Well, I went to a concert on Saturday night with 35,000 people. So any day now. So, yeah, I reckon I've got it. I was a bit sort of ha-ha-ha this morning. Yeah.

Yeah, you're definitely Jew, eh, Vaughn? Yeah, I'm Jew. But, um... Although you got the Disneyland strain. Dude, yeah. The American strain. I wonder if I got the... You got the good one

I got the good one Might have given me a bit more Protection Longevity Yeah it was like I got the wiggle strain It was very silly Hell of a strain

Very silly strain to get Yeah Wow We'll see eh Do you How many people Do you think When it's coming up to Christmas

And like holidays Will get it But then just be like... All of them? I'm not staying home. All of them. I'm not cancelling my flights. Every single one of them.

Yep. Like no one's going to bother, right? No one's going to be self-isolating on Christmas Day. No. Because that's sad. But then like, do you want to be responsible for killing your parents or your grandparents? Yeah, I mean, the right thing to do is to stay at home.

Well, my nan's just had it. Yeah. She got pretty sick, but she's... Your nan will be fine. She's powered through. Yeah. That's good news. I remember she ate half a muffin the other day.

You know how they'll have a half a muffin, they'll save the other half for later? It's a lot. Do you reckon when I'm an old person, I'm not going to eat much? No, I'm going to go... I'm going to be eating far too much with the amount of exercise and the amount of movement I'm doing. They don't eat much, old people, eh?

Whereas I reckon I'll just be like absolutely hoovering the food. Yeah, and like bad stuff as well. Like you'll forego a healthy meal because, you know, you want to polish off a block of choccy because you're old and who cares? Yeah.

My pop loved Cadbury roses. Oh, yum. You know, like he'd always have some roses. And when he was on his way out, you would just find like pockets and pockets full of Cadbury roses. Yes. So when we cremated him, even though you're not supposed to put anything with him, we chucked a couple of Cadbury roses in his pocky. So we got burnt with some Cadbury roses.

Do they cremate you good in your clothes? Oh no, they probably took them off. I'm fascinated by cremation. No, they do because they do burn you in your clothes. I've got to stop saying burn you.

It's terrible. Cremate you in your clothes. Yeah. Otherwise they give them back to you. Well, that took a morbid turn, didn't it?

Yeah, sorry. We've got the top six on the way soon. Yeah, we've lost the sevens. I don't know. New Zealand will no longer host the rugby sevens. Well, what am I supposed to do with my Native American headdress? Have you got any friends having sort of a 40th or anything coming up? Oh, someone's having like a Burning Man themed party.

Oh, we're at there. We're at there. Coachella rip-off sort of situation. Yeah, because I got it from AliExpress and it was quite expensive. Yeah, okay. Right. Well, yeah, the top six things

I'll miss about the sevens. Next on the show though, a boss gave her workers unlimited holidays. She said you can have not just the standard four weeks, you can have as many as you want. What was the result? So it's been a few years in to this policy. I'll tell you next how many weeks, days the average worker took off.

Because I'd probably take at least 20. Weeks? Yeah. I'd go three weeks on, one week off. Yeah, and you just keep going. Well, an Australian company, it is called, I've never heard of it, Inventium. That sounds like the boss of that company said to their toddler, I've got a company and we invent things.

What should we call it? Inventium. Well, it's a behavioral science consultancy. They are, this workplace in Australia, only 11 staff. They, for the last three and a half years, have been running a program where you can have unlimited leave. Okay. But surely there's maybe unlimited leave,

but there's got to be a minimum amount of days you have to work. You'd be given work, right? You'd be given projects and deadlines. And if you don't make them. And then if you weren't making them, I guess they'd start the HR process to get rid of you. Because wouldn't you just take 365 days

leave? You would, right? I would. That is what they call, in the professional business, taking the piss. Taking the piss, is that? Because, in Australia, do they get the annual leave like we do? Like, what do we get? Four weeks a year by law.

Because I know in America you don't get any leave, unless your company has it as part of the package. Isn't that nuts? Cooked. Four weeks. Holiday pay allows an employer to be paid while taking time off. Full-time and part-time workers get four weeks of annual leave for every 12 months worked in Australia.

There you go. When did they get that? 1970. That's good. I just looked up the top 10 countries for annual leave. France received 2.5 days paid holiday for every month they work. Is that more than us? We'd be on the list.

Two and a half. That's 10, 25, five more, 30 days. Yeah, about the same. About the five more, 30 days. Yeah. About the same. About the same. Pretty good. Well, after this program's been running for three and a half years, the average leave, people took 5.5 weeks a year.

How much? 5.5. So only one and a half weeks more than people who were legally entitled to have four. Yeah. But this is the thing, right? Like, you know, the UK, like heaps of companies now are doing the four-day work week. Yeah. And they haven't found any drop in productivity or, you know.

You just get your work done because you know you're going to be off on that last day. Exactly. But like a lot of the time, as you say, to use the same term, people don't take the piss. If you make your employees happy. Yeah. Well, they're not don't take the piss. If you make your employees happy, they're not going to take the piss. Well, you still need the job to pay your life, your rent, your mortgage. Yeah, totally.

So you're not going to take the piss, are you? Yeah. Oh my God. Whereas, I don't know, what would you do if it was unlimited leave here? But this is a hard one to take leave on. Yeah. Because what you're just like, oh, I'm not going to do the show.

It's not like I can just pack all of the shows into one week. Yeah, or do the show later. Yeah. You've got to do it live. It's a live element. Okay, what if you had an office job? All of it. I would literally outsource my work to Fiverr.

Yeah, Fiverr or like an Indian subcontracting company. I'd say, this is what's got to be done and this is how much you're getting paid. And then I'd just never work. If I worked in an office job, I would find the best way to never work.

And I think it would be subcontracting my work. I reckon I I think it would be subcontracting my work. I reckon I would do, how many weeks do you normally work? 52 in a year. Yeah, minus four. So 48. Yeah. I went to private school.

Did you see how quickly I did that? That was really good. Did you see how quickly I did that? Yeah, it was outstanding. Certainly paid off. So 48, I would maybe take 12 off So that's my kind of Wow Three on, one off

Three on, one off But you'd be away so much No, but you wouldn't even notice it If I was there for three whole weeks Every day Hustling and bustling And then you were away for what? Four whole weeks?

No, then I was away for a week And then I came back Right And then I did three and then I did one. Would you ever do six for two? I would for one. Like, you know how sometimes a week wouldn't be long enough if you wanted to go to Europe, for example.

Pop over. Yeah, or I'd do eight for four. Yeah. Or you could come with me if I'm popping over to India to make sure you know the office that I had to do my work. I love India. I've never been. I've been. It's wonderful. Have you been to Goa? I haven't been to Goa, but I've heard it's beautiful. We're going to India to make sure, you know, the office that I had to do my work. I love India. I've never been.

I've been. It's wonderful. Have you been to Goa? I haven't been to Goa, but I've heard it's beautiful. I would love to go to Goa. Well, we're going to go to Goa. Well, yeah, but. We're Goa, Goa. We're Goa, Goa.

Goa, Goa. Going to check up on your workers is going to take a lot of time out of the holiday. Yeah, but that's technically not. No, no, no, no, it's not. That's not a holiday. No. Because that's part of your work. It's a tax-deductible holiday.

Oh, of course. Because we're going for three weeks, but this is going to take a day tops. Wow, okay. But of course we have to be there and the flights are now on the company. You're a smart man. I'm a piece of shit is what I am.

This is why you always have to hire someone like Vaughn so that he finds the easiest way to do things in the low-possess. You've got to hire crafty little foxes because they'll find... I did not think you were going to say foxes. I was like, look, I know it's early, we're having fun, but... They find the most productive way to function. Yeah. All right, quarter past six.

Next on the show, if you have a birthday this month, I have terrible news for you. Oh, they already know. I know. Play ZM's Fletch, Vaughn and Hayley. I just want to put a banana in the bin. Yep. Which was?

You two would appall at how brown that is. Go to my social media to see the state of this banana. This is embarrassing. It's the best. I love eating a banana that's brown but not too bruised. It's not bruised. It's just brown. It's so sweet.

The sugars come through. No, you either throw those away or you make a banana cake. Banana bread, banana cake, banana muffin. So I just went and put it in the bin and out there there was this big tub The sugars come through it. No, you either throw those away or you make a banana cake. Banana bread, a banana cake, banana muffin. So I just went and put it in the bin and out there there was this big tub that says free on it. Now this was full of like little bags of popcorn, but I tipped them into the other tub. Do you think the tub itself is free? I came out earlier and I saw the tubs and I was like, I could bloody well use those. This is a 60 litre tub.

Yeah, warehouse tubs you use for your washing. Or when you put your toddler in them, if you don't have a bath. Oh yeah, whenlitre tub. Yeah, warehouse tubs you use for your washing. Or when you put your toddler in them if you don't have a bath. Oh, yeah. When you're away. Yeah. Toddler baths. Would you use this as a washing basket? I don't know.

Use it for a beach. Take it to the beach with all your stuff in it. Yeah, all your stuff. Yeah. Don't you have one of those trolleys? What do you mean, a trolley? A beach trolley? I do have a beach trolley, yeah.

I've got a beach trolley. What, for when you and the kids go to the beach. Yeah. There's a lot of Prosecco to get to the beach. There aren't any beaches near you. And the telly bin. You know I've got a beach trolley. So you have to drive the beach trolley to the beach? No, you put it in the boot. My friend's car.

Oh my god. I won't be shamed about my beach trolley. It's why you've got a beach trolley. I will not be shamed. It's always like we need a beach trolley. Oh, you do need a beach trolley. No, but we don't go to the beach enough to warrant a beach trolley. You drive on the beach. You don't need a beach trolley. I will not be ashamed. It's always like we need a beach trolley. Oh, you do need a beach trolley. No, but we don't go to the beach enough to warrant a beach trolley. You drive on the beach. You don't need a beach trolley. Yeah, we drive to the beach. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah. December babies, you will know this, that everyone says, now that's for your Christmas and your birthday when you get a gift. Yeah. And I think if you're a December baby, like I get it sometimes because I'm an October baby. It's close enough. But the only time that would happen is if the gift is like epic or expensive or something like that.

My mum might say, now that's for your birthday and your Christmas. And your Halloween. And your Halloween and your next birthday. But December babies get, over their entire lifetime, 160 fewer presents. That's a lot of presents. That's a lot less. So you've got to think, Carween, when's your birthday, Carween? She's on the mic.

Okay, you're all good. She's what I call a Christmas polar baby, like absolute opposite end of the year. Okay, you're all good. July, yeah. She's what I call a Christmas polar baby. Like, absolute opposite end of the year. Yeah, right. My friend Jesus is born on Christmas Day. Does he get many presents?

Mary's boy child, Jesus Christ, was born on Christmas Day. Even though if you look into it, he wasn't because it doesn't match up seasonally to where in the world he was born.

And man will live forevermore because of Christmas Day. Or some other day, some other time in the year because as I said before, seasonally it just doesn't match up. Hark now, hear the angels sing. Okay, stop, stop right there. A new king born today. Okay, stop, stop right there. A new king born today. Okay, stop, stop. Today or some other time in the year because, as I said, even the star wouldn't have been there in the skies of Jerusalem

at that time of the year in that year. Yeah. Born on Christmas Day. When's my next Friday flashback? Am I this week? Are you thinking a Boney M Christmas classic? I love Boney M. It would be Christmas Eve, Eve, so that would be perfect.

Okay. No, my friend James is Christmas Day, though. Yes. Yeah, and quite often gifts will be combined. Because when you're a family and you've got other kids there, you're not going to get double presents or a moment where they're going to make the day about you. The day is strictly about Jesus.

My niece and nephew, one's born in the end of October and one's born at the start of December and we often don't see them between their birthdays and Christmas. So on Christmas they get two things and sometimes kids are like what? This is for your birthday

and you have to wrap it what? This is for your birthday. And you have to wrap it differently. This is for your birthday. I would have set the house on fire if my brother got an extra gift than me. But yeah. Same. Yeah. See, my brother and I, this is also really hard.

He's on the 7th of October and I'm on the 8th, but three years apart. So we didn't get a birthday party every year. We got year on, year off. But there was always our birthday party. Yeah. I thought you went to a private school. Yeah, I know. It must have been like a really hard year or something. I don't know.

But every year there was our party and some ponies and the entertainment and a play. Yeah, and the mafia were there. Yeah. And they would bring me lots of money. Yeah. No, but I always remember being a bit sad

because sometimes your year would fall on a dud birthday, like nine. Yep. And then my brother's birthday might land when I was turning 10 and I didn't get a 10th birthday party. Yeah, gotcha, gotcha. We'll cause some fights. But yeah, being born around Christmas sucks. So we'll bear that in mind if you're gifting for someone that's born this month.

I'd just change it. It's like my friend who's born on the 29th of February. He just changes it because he doesn't want to just get a birthday every four years. That's not how life works. Yeah, I know, but he's a leap year baby. That rules. Yeah. That rules.

That's like the best birthday to have in my humble opinion. He's 50, but he's like 13 or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That rules too. Play ZM's Fletchford and Hayley from the Panoramic ZM Think Tank. This is the Top Six. My internet's not working, mummy. Oh, baby, what's wrong?

Mummy, the internet's not working. Did you like it when Vaughan and I called each other mummy and baby? I'm asking you, New Zealand. It made me feel a little uncomfortable. My internet's working, mummy. Okay, mummy, it's working again. Thank you, New Zealand. It made me feel a little uncomfortable. My internet's working, mummy. Okay, mummy, it's working again. Thank you, mummy. Thank you for making it work, mummy.

Oh, my God. Thank you for making it work, mummy. We've gone a bit silly in here. I'm going to get a little bit more character work. That was like a spoil seven years. Look how he dropped out. I know, yeah. Out and in, out and in.

It is an art. Now I'm going for the spoil, like outrageous, outspoken, eight, seven or eight year olds. Yeah. Little brother who's a bit more shy

because the older one's so dominating. Yeah. Thank you for making this nice work, mummy. That's really good. It's a bit of a speech impediment. Yeah.

Thank you for making this nice work impediment. I was really shy. I'm going to go back and watch Mr Beast make elephant toothpaste. That Mr Beast makes a bloody good elephant toothpaste. Does he? I'm going to go watch Mr Beast. He's done his own version of Squid Games. Wow, debuted on air. A new character.

Shy little brother to an outrageous eight-year-old. We're not getting the sevens. This is some bulge. World Rugby has rubbed New Zealand off the list of countries to host the sevens in the World Series tournament. Didn't we make this tournament what it is?

Yeah, dude. And our teams rule. Yeah. It's on at the moment, isn't it? There's a Sevens on at the moment. Or did we win that one? Was there one at the weekend? I want to say maybe.

I saw all the coaching staff having breakfast on Sunday. In their Sevens outfits. Here? Yeah. Oh, no, they were playing overseas. Were they? I saw some Sevens. Maybe it was just people in Adidas gear. Big fan, they were playing overseas. Were they? Yeah. I saw some Sevens. Maybe it was just

people in Adidas gear. Big fan. Was someone just wearing a black top? Right. Someone was wearing a black t-shirt? With a silver fur? Yeah. Huh. Yeah, okay. Interesting. Maybe. Did the Sevens move to Auckland? Hamilton. Hamilton. From Wellington to Hamilton. Man, it was huge in

Wellington. When I lived there, oh my god. It used to be that event. When it started and it was in Wellington, you couldn't get to, they sold out in like 10 seconds. I've marched at the Sevens four or five times at the halftime show because we used to do it as a fundraiser. And I've only attended one. Like, we used to stay, but I only attended dressed up once.

Well, you just stay around in your marching outfit and just, that was your costume as well. No, we wouldn't be in our uniforms just in like tracksuits or whatever. Oh, you'd march in your tracksuits. No, you'd march in your uniform and you'd get changed. No, I was going to say, stay in your marching outfit. That's a hell of an outfit.

It's very expensive. No, you couldn't get vomit on that. It's very precious. And you think my Mario from Lookshark was cheap, mate? Or is it actually my Italian plumber from Lookshark was cheap, mate? Or is it actually my Italian plumber from Look Sharp was cheap, mate? Well, the top six things I'll miss about the sevens. Number six on the list

is number six, the centre. Number five on the list is number five, the fly half. Oh my God. I did wonder why he'd done it so quick. I said, have you done the top six? He said, yeah. And I was like, weird. I didn't see him at his laptop long. Number four on the list of the top six things I'll miss about the sevens is?

Number four. The scrum half. No, no. Number three on the list of the top six things I'll miss about the sevens is number three. The prop. Number two on the list of the top six things I'll miss about the sevens is number two. The hooker. And what do you think number one is?

Number one, the one on the side of the hooker. The other prop. The little mini donuts. Incorrect. Number one on the list of the top six things I miss about the sevens is number seven, the fullback. For one. Well, surprise at the end.

I'm grateful for that. You might be ready for holidays and phoning it in, but the listeners expect a high-quality show, and you really let them down. I think they've got to manage their expectations. That's on them, not me. You're giving them silly voices, and you're phoning it in. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha, ha. Play ZM's Fletch Vordernaley. Play ZM. Ah,ch Vaughan and Hayley. Play ZM. Wellington. Hip. Cool. When I think of Wellington, I think of coffee and cigarettes or craft beer and cigarettes.

Why? Cigarettes playing a major role in that. Yeah, I don't know. I think of government officials and drippy awnings. Whenever it rains in Wellington, you're walking down the street, every single awning is drippy. Drippy. It is drippy. Dri. Whenever it rains in Wellington and you're walking down the street, every single awning is drippy. Drippy. It is drippy.

Drippy buggers. No, I just think of like, and I don't, obviously I don't think smoking's cool, but of that kind of image of the hipster sort of cool person. Your hipster is all healthy now. Back in the day when I lived in Wellington. Yeah, right. Well, the Wellington City Council are banning smoking

and even vaping outside of hospitality venues. So you don't have to walk through the smoke machine to get in. Yeah, basically. I kind of like that because the other day having a drink outside a bar and, yeah, people were standing right next to the outside table smoking and I was like, no, no, no, no, no. Most places now with their, especially if it's like a dining place,

like you can, you know, some restaurants will borrow or like hire, I guess, council land to extend their outdoor dining. And most of those places now would be smoke-free. Yeah. Right? But now it's like you can't even sort of hang out in that general area in smoke. You've got to go and remove yourself.

And the Wellington Council is saying that they're doing this to support Smoke-Free Aotearoa 2025, which is only two years away. Yeah. So with vaping, what is the deal with second – because, you know, we all know secondhand smoke's bad, but is secondhand vape bad? I don't know. I mean, I guess we still don't really know how bad

vaping is. So then you won't know. We know it's bad though, right? Yeah, but I think vaping, secondhand vaping is not as bad as secondhand smoke, because the damage of vaping is how much fluid you're putting in your lungs, right? Yes. And what's in that fluid that's getting direct exposure

to your lungs? Bubble gum. The actual cloud, yeah. Bubble gum. You're filling your lungs with grapes and bubble gum. Yum. But the actual cloud from that is less harmful. But I remember that was used as an example in the early stages of the pandemic. They were like, you know, a vape is a good example of how far your breath spreads when you breathe out. Oh, yeah.

And then people were taking vapes and then just talking and it was just like flowing everywhere. And it's like, and COVID could be in there and then it's when you breathe out. Oh, yeah. And then people were taking vapes and then just talking and it was just like flowing everywhere. And it's like, and COVID could be in there and then it's in you. Yeah. So the ban doesn't include private land like balconies, backyard dining areas, rooftops or outdoor dining that's not on council land. So if your restaurant or your bar, say, has an outdoor

area or a rooftop and it has an allocated smoking area, you can still smoke there. Right. But if it's little restaurants that spill out onto the streets, especially in Wellington, like Cuba Street, all the cafes and the restaurants spill out onto the street. God, it's good.

So where will you go if you need a... A durry. Around the block. Yeah, you'd have to take a little hoon around the block, I guess. I think that's the point, is they're trying to make smoking as difficult as possible. Vaping the bogs. Yeah. So it was supposed to start this year, in July 2022,

but because businesses were still recovering from COVID, the aftermath of heaps of COVID, they're like, it's too much. So the council held off enforcing the change until March the 1st, 2023. So if you're at a restaurant or a bar and it's outdoor dining on the street or part of council land,

no more durries or vapes for you. Play. ZDM's Fletch, Vaughan and Hayley. Fletch, Vaughan and Hayley. Silly little pole. Silly little pole. It is so silly, silly, silly that the silly little pole. Silly little pole.

Silly little pole. Silly little pole. Silly little pole. Silly little pole. Which way do you open an advent calendar? I feel like that's like going into a focus group and leading the group. Yeah. It should be like... No, because I can't do it neutrally either. Would you like to open an advent calendar backwards?

No, that's not neutral. So the debate started over the weekend. We spoke about this yesterday. Because the guy in the UK is like, it makes more sense to count down the days till Christmas. I'm not saying they're designed to be counted down. But I'm saying it makes more sense. You're counting down, you're getting excited to get to Christmas. As a theory, it makes more sense. Yes. Yeah. But I'm not saying makes more sense. You're counting down. You're getting excited to get to Christmas. As a theory, it makes more sense.

Yes. Yeah. But I'm not saying current designs allow for it. We got sent one that was just like material and you put your own chocolates in. You have heard about it because we didn't get one. You didn't get one. Me and Fletch didn't get one. No, we didn't get one.

So we're not. Hayley and I refuse to give them any answer. Well, no, no. I'm not going to say what brand. Whitaker's. But I will say that it is at the top. It says Countdown to Christmas. Screw Whittaker's.

I'm going to get that warehouse chocolate that's from Australia. Yeah, same. Real good. No, you're not. Tastes like powder. I love it. Yeah. Tastes like Australia for some reason.

It tastes like straight up Australia. Dusty. Like dusty kangaroos. Dusty kangaroos. Well, 93% of people said they start at one and count up to 24. 7% start at 24 and count down to one. Monsters. Wildly imbalanced.

But people are doing it, though. Yeah. Yeah, okay. Gabby says, and Gabby's on our team, she says it's counting down the sleeps until Christmas. Obvs. That's why you count down. Yeah.

And they should be called Christmas countdown calendars. Yeah, yeah. It's called an advent calendar. What does advent mean? Adventagious. Adventure. That would be... Advent.

Advent. From Latin, adventus meaning coming. In the Christian church calendar, the period of preparation for the celebration, behave, for the celebration of the birth of Jesus. No, in preparation for the second coming of Christ. Oh.

So it's the next coming. I don't know. I don't know how many he's had. So it's the countdown. Right. Multiple. Multiple. Good man. Son of God. Multiple. Good man.

Son of God. Amen. Rochelle says, Day 24 is sometimes something different or bigger. Yes. Agreed. Not with the cheap ones, though. That's why you should start with it as a kickoff to the month.

You don't need a big treat. No, you lean into the headline. You don't need a big treat just for Christmas. Mum's whooping out the scorched almonds at 9.30 in the morning. It's madness. Yeah. Imagine if you did comedy like that. You had your headline act and then

slowly but surely the acts got worse. But you know that the big thing is coming after it. There's the OG headliner, the 25th, the whole day itself. Alicia says Christmas isn't the 1st of December. Come on. And they usually save the best for last.

That's right. Sometimes. Gaga Mel says, WTF? You people are mad. It's counting down until Santa. So she's also a big fan. Yeah, she's a big fan.

She gets it. Of going in reverse. Yeah, she gets it. Because the numbers get smaller, you get more excited. Yeah. It's how many sleeps. But she also goes by Gaga Mel.

So she's self-proclaimed mad herself. She's a mad woman. Lindy says, because it's a calendar. They don't go backwards. It would be an advent countdown, not an advent calendar. Clicks for Lindy. Lindy.

Fair point, Lindy, but you're wrong. Tony says, well, the song is on the first day of Christmas. You'd know that's something completely different because there's only 12 days in that, not 24. Yeah, so you've shot yourself in the foot there, Tony. I saw a very interesting thing about the 12 Days of Christmas song. Interesting approach to give your lover so many birds for Christmas. Nobody needs that many birds.

And on day five, there's golden rings, but up until there, it's birds. And then a couple more days of birds. It's a lot. Heavy on the avian. Hugely heavy on the avian. How many birds? Yeah. Geese.

Turtle doves, partridge in a pear tree. Oh, yeah. Yeah, there's a lot of birds in the 12 days of Christmas. Was it because back then you could just eat them all and that was quite yum? Just, yeah, maybe. Yeah. Why are there so many birds in the 12 days of Christmas? Because they didn't have scorched almonds back then.

What did you get on the 12th day? 12. On the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me. 12 sparrows shitting. 11 thrushes thrushing. Four calling birds are the four gospels. The five golden rings are the first five books of the Old Testament. Six geese are laying are the six days of...

Oh, okay, so they've all got representation. The birds are representation. Oh. French hens? God, they're all birds. It's important to have the representation. 12 drummers drumming. Yes, that would be too many drummers.

You're not all birds. You've got the 12 drummers, the 11 pipers, the 10 lords and they're leaping. And then the 9 ladies dancing and then the maids are milking. Yeah, but there's enough people in that. Swans, geese, rings, and then birds. Birds, birds, birds, birds, birds.

Jenna said, oh my God, I've just discovered that my husband of two weeks, recently married, congratulations on your nuptials, does the advent calendar 24 to 1. I am now rethinking the marriage. Oh, you've married a good man. You've married a solid individual. You've married a great man. You've married an idiot, Jenna.

And Evie says, and then there's me who doesn't get to count them up or count them down because I ate them all on the third day. That's me. Play ZM's Fletch, Vaughn and Hayley. I remember this coming out maybe about a year ago. And I'm going to share it with you now. No, but it came out a year ago that there's codes you can use on Netflix to find subcategories.

So you know your Netflix categories, you've just got like action, comedy, thriller, whatever. Why don't they put all of them up if they've got secret ones? Because there's like a hundred of them. Oh, okay. So for example, there's like action comedy, action thriller, action adventure, Asian action movies, classic action and adventure. So you can go like really specific into what you like. Anime, anime action, anime comedies, anime dramas. Right.

So if you're like really, really, really into a particular type of movie. Something niche. Yeah, like so if I go comedy, you can get classic comedies. You can get classic foreign comedies, classic science, like sci-fi comedies, da-da-da-da-da. Classic sci-fi comedies. I couldn't name one. Oh, weird science. He did it, he did it.

Meatball. What was that, Spaceballs? Spaceballs. Spaceballs. Oh, my God. Political comedies. Satires, screwball, my God. Political comedies. Satires. Screwball comedies.

Slapstick comedies. So they've got all these codes. So instead of searching, because you want to be able to see them all come up within the subcategory, instead of searching for just one or two films within that category, you can search a number. So how do you do that? So you can go and look up your codes in your country. So I've gone and looked up,

because this is like going off online, right? People are just realising you can do this. Yeah. And Netflix is like, oh yeah. Yeah. We've got these codes. That's so weird. So you can go on Netflix and,

I'll go on my Netflix. So you would put this code in when you search for a movie or a TV show? When you search for a movie. Okay. Just in the search bar. So if you would just go to Google, it's the easiest way, and say like New Zealand Netflix codes 2022.

Yep. Which I just did. It's taken me to a website and it's just got all the codes. So I could go comedy. Okay. Political comedies. The code is 2700. And then I log in, Hayley and Aaron, not Mum and Dad,

because I'm still paying for their bloody Netflix somehow. Guys, your parents leeching off you, eh? It must be terrible. Yeah, so then... Especially when you're still on their health insurance. Yeah, it's tit for tat, really. You're still paying for your health insurance, aren't you? Tit for tat.

And you're giving them, what, a little slither of $24 a month? Yeah. Well, they're on my neon as well, so... So I've gone for, what did I say? Political comedies. And you open it and then it just brings up

all the films that would fall under political comedy. And you can get real specific with it so that you're not just like scrolling through all the films you're never going to watch. Yeah.

You just go, I'm into, you can search the codes and be like, oh my God, I love military documentaries. Oh. Wow. You've just finished SS Rogue Heroes, haven't you? Correct, correct, so correct. There you go.

Operation Mincemaid is next. That's 4006. Horror. Creature Features. 6895. Wow, okay. And you just put it in all the horror comedy. You can just put it in

where you search. Put it in where you search, just in the search bar. Just the numbers. I still think even with this it's going to take me like 20 minutes to find something I actually want to watch.

I'm going to watch all the trailers. I'm going to watch, when I've finished a series, I'm going to watch all of them trailers. Yeah, of every top 10

recommended thing and you know what, 80% of it, I'm going to be like, blech. Listen, I watch a trailer and while the trailer's playing, I'm going to be like, blech. Listen, I watch the trailer and while the trailer's playing,

I'm like, Google the name of it and then look at the ratings and I'm like, nah. So I just went Horror Comedy Code 89585.

You've got your zombie lands. You've got your little Nickys. Okay. You've got, you know, like it's just, it's so good. Wow, so it really

breaks it down. Just Google Netflix Codes NZ 2022. Alright, next on the show our ice cream index. We want to make an exhaustive list of all the best places to get ice creams this summer. We're talking

the big scoops. The big scoops. We get bang for mark. Towering ice creams. Do we also want to note that if you call and say something like Duck Island, if you call with a gelato shop, you'll

be publicly, nationally. We're just doing traditional ice cream scoop. It doesn't matter what brand. They get a silver thing and they put it in a cone and they put it in the holder at the dairy. So they put it in the little holder. And sometimes the ice creams are so big, the holder's like,

I don't know. So what we're going to do is break it down. We asked Instagram last night for the best ice creams in Northland. One winner. One clear winner. One clear winner in Northland. All right, we'll run through those responses next, but also we're going to

open up the phone lines and the text machine right now. 0800 DALSATM text 9696 Canterbury. Where is the best scoopy ice cream in Canterbury? The best scooped ice cream. We want to put some cones on the map. Not pins. We're not dropping pins. We're dropping cones.

0800 DALS. If you've got a recommendation anywhere in Canterbury. Play ZM's Fletch, Vaughan and Hayley. More financial pain on the way. The reserve bank is rising. The stock market inflation has pushed the reserve. Cost of living. Cost of living crisis.

And the recession is inevitable. The official Fletch, Vaughan and Hayley ice cream index. Yes, good morning. This morning we're dropping some cones. We're putting a map together. So if you're doing a roadie this summer, you know where to get the best rolled ice cream from in this fine country of ours.

I feel like everyone has that in them where they're like, God, that place is the best. Yes. We're collecting them all up. So we want the places that when you get a couple of scoops, you get a towering ice cream.

Yeah, they do that thing where they scoop, but then they're like, nah, more, more. I wonder if, you know, with the way the economy's going, if dairies are going to

cut back. Tighten their bouts. Tighten their bouts. And two scoops is actually two scoops. Two scoops. I'd rather they just

raise the price and I still feel like I'm getting a bargain. We've been through recessions before. Ice creams, you know, good ice cream stores saw the benefit of really heaping those scoops. All right, well, we want to know the best places today. We're going to touch on the Northland poll results that we asked about last night on Instagram.

We asked online where to go to. North of the Brindons. Brindons. Brindons. Dodgy Dan says the Cable Bay store does a mean goody gum drop and rum and raisin ice cream. Yeah, good. A lot of people saying Cable Bay is the best.

Yes. And Northland. Cable Bay got a lot of votes. All the votes. Shellbell NZ said Cable Bay as well. And I've done some research into Cable Bay got a lot of votes. All the votes. Shellbell NZ said Cable Bay as well. And I've done some research into Cable Bay. Cute. Cute little beachside store.

And on their Google reviews, people have even popped in a couple of photos of it. That's a decent scoop. That's the kind of dairy you'd see on some artwork, eh? Of a typical Kiwi dairy. Can we also talk about the person who put up the photo on to Google review? What a combination of ice cream. What's that? It's sort of a chocolate with a, what's the yellow one do you reckon?

Banana or pineapple? Banana. It looks like a boysenberry ripple. No, it's too brown. Oh, we might be looking at a different ice cream. Well, I'll tell you what. Apparently she's a big healthy scoop up there. All of the Google review photos, big ice creams.

Big ice creams. So, Cable Bay. And a waffle cone. And a waffle cone. And a waffle cone. Yeah. Any other honorary mentions for Northland, or was it just Cable Bay? It just Cable Bay dominated. Right.

Wow. Okay. I'd love to give a shout out to the Ruawai Dairy on the way to Dargaville. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Is that still open? You want to check that that's still open? I think it opens once or twice a year.

Oh, beautiful. I'm going to tell you what, the scoops, mate, the scoops. Right, good scoops there. So Cable Bay, that's going to make the map? Alright, let us move now to Canterbury because that is where we turn our attention to now with the ice cream index. Of course. The best ice creams

in Canterbury are, Tanya, whereabouts? Darfield, 30 minutes out of Christchurch. Darfield, lots of text messages about Darfield. Where in Darfield? minutes out of Christchurch Darfield Lots of text messages About Darfield Where in Darfield? So it's a fourth square dairy Just in the main street

Love it Kiwi as Very very Kiwi The biggest ice creams And they were about Four dollars a scoop Four dollars a scoop

That's an expensive scoop If you No It's huge Okay So I'm just going to Show you a photo Because I googled Darfield dairy And they have been of scoops, that's an expensive scoop. If you... No, it's huge. Okay, okay. I'm just going to show you a photo because I googled Darfield Dairy and they have been articles written on it

called Home of the Biggest Scoop in Town. It's wide. Look at that, it's wide. It's wide, not just tall, but wide. So I'd pay four bucks for that, Tanya. 100%. 100%. That's a good call there, Tanya. That's a big bloody four square to be rocking a scoop of ice cream, you know. That's more of your corner dairy situation.

Yeah, well, they're getting in there, aren't they? Tanya, thank you for that. Okay, would that go on the map just by the pure amount of people that have messaged in about this? Are we keeping tabs? So many. Brayden, whereabouts in Canterbury does the best ice cream? Rollerkin, smack bang in the middle of the city. Oh, shut up, shut up, Brayden.

That's not ice cream, that's gelato. Hang up on Brayden immediately. Oh, no, no, no, but I love Rollican. Hang up on Brayden immediately. It is gelato. We're not effing with gelato. Debatable. Debatable.

Hang on. I'd go to war. I'd go to war for Rollican. Yeah, no, Brayden, I'm on you. If you go to war in the great gelato versus ice cream war, you're going to get absolutely dominated by ice cream. No, there'll be good people in the gelato versus ice cream war. I know, but we're not saying that rollican's not good.

It's bloody good, but that is not the map that we are creating. This is your classic. It's gelato and it's too bougie. If you're saying no to Duck Island, which I think should be in there at a higher price point. And there's no Ben and Jerry's. We're not doing Ben and Jerry's. We're not doing Ben and Jerry's.

No Copenhagen. Movenpick? Are you doing Movenpick? Hang up on Fletch and hang up on Brayden. I can't hang up on myself. Movenpick does rule and it is ice cream and it's at a very busy beach. I think that we should give a shout out to Rollicking

because it is delicious. Yeah, shout out. But unfortunately, Brayden. Unfortunately, Brayden. It's gelato. It's not on the list. Yeah. It's gelato.

This is not the gelato index. It melts too quick. Melt. As soon as ice cream. No, but you can manage an ice cream melt. Gelato is just like, I'm going to fall to bits. And you're like, oh, please don't. And it's like, no, I'm Italian.

I do what I want. Buongiorno. All over your lap. Thank you, Brayden. More messages in from Ken Tabbs. Redcliffs. Now, there CanTabs. Redcliffs. Now, there's a dairy in Redcliffs. Oh, yeah.

That apparently does a bloody noise. A big one. A bloody noise. See if I can get a photo. Oh, they've got a Twitter. I love it when a dairy has a Twitter. No, I looked. It hasn't been updated since 2011.

How shame on them. I'm surprised they didn't move into an Instagram or a TikTok or something No, they put a tweet from 2012 Sam Neill casually walked in for an ice cream Oh, there you go That's got a celebrity endorsement I reckon that's got to go on the map It's got to go on the map

Drop a cone Now, first and last, Derry and Ash Burden also does fried chicken Now, I don't know if that is I know this is an ice cream index, but we're not doing a fried chicken index. Get a couple of drummies on the roll. No. If you won't let gelato in,

we're not letting fried chicken in. I'm certainly not letting gelato in. First and last year in Ashburton has... There's only three votes, but it's at a five-star rating. Well, that's enough for me. Is that enough for you? Yeah, that's on there.

It's rocking a big ice cream. People are very pleased with it. It seems to take photos of its customers holding unusual things that aren't ice creams. Show me an ice cream. Oh, they do giveaways. Someone won a bike. That's cool. Lovely.

It's lovely. Someone won a bike. Any other honorary mentions? Are those the main ones? Darfield again. Recliffs again. The Manu's Dairy in Recliffs. Okay.

Could be a different dairy. Another one has their Recliffs Dairy Slaps. Oh, okay. There was one here where they said Tinwall Dairy. Double scoops bigger than my head. Wow. You must have a small head. They maybe have a tiny little pinhead.

I'm not sure, but they're saying the ice cream's bigger than their face. So that's fantastic. I might have to look into that dairy before I can confirm that that will be on the list. Waikari, which is just past Waipara. Got a single scoop at the weekend. It was at least a double that. Cox Street Geraldine. The biggest ice creams I've ever seen, says Jeremy.

The Hallswell Convenience Store. One Lillian Street Hallswell. They even do a choc dip. They do a choc dip on a non-sauce soup? That is madness. Yeah. They might spoon it over it. Because gravity is...

Maybe they just use choc whiz. Yeah, they might do. I don't care. Oh, man, ChocWiz rules. Until mum gets confused and puts it in the fridge. I... Mum! Man!

You dumb cow. Man, man. I thought it went in the fridge. I thought it went in the fridge. No, man, it's going to stay warm because when it gets cold it gets hot, man. Now I've got a room in my life. Man, man, why are you doing this, man? That Utopia ice cream in Sumner, they make their own ice cream.

Now, is that too bougie? Too bougie. Oh, I don't know. I mean, if it's ice cream. Because there might be a little mom and pop. Yeah, no. There might be a little mom and pop. It doesn't matter how they make it.

It's how big are the scoops. Yeah, that's true. Amazing flavours. They don't say the size of the scoop. No, it's not on the map. Sorry, mom and pop. Well, unless we get a confirmation and they do big scoops. Confirmation photo will do.

Someone else said, first and last dairy. I'm glad somebody else mentioned it. I'll jump on that bandwagon and second that as the biggest ice creams ever. The kid's scoop's $2 and it's bigger than my kid's face. Gee. Maybe they've got a little pinhead kid. You might. You've got a pinhead kid.

That sounds massive, though. Yeah. Okay. I'm on board. I'm on board. All right, thank you. I'm going to do a little bit more investigation into these. I'm going to need photos, and then I can add them to the Canterbury.

Drop some cones. Drop some cones. Play ZM's Fletch Vaughan Ailey. Play ZM. Fact of the day, day, day, day, day. Yeah. Wow, narcissist. Haley Sproul. Today's fact of the day is aces, not the card, the pilot.

You know, they're like a top gun, like an ace. Like a flying aces. It was in World War I, World War II, and since in any sort of air combat. You can also be a submarine ace and a tank ace. Oh. So it just means you're exceptionally good at what you do. Sorry, I'm doing my best to seem interested in the aces. I just...

Cool, submarines. I'm back on the World War II buzz. I know, because you've just finished Rogue Heroes. You've got a real passion for World War II. I do have a passion for World War II bus. Rogue heroes. You've got a real passion for World War II. I do have a passion for World War II. It's a fascinating war. Yeah. And I was like, when I was younger, I was fascinated with the,

just the fact that everybody fought. Basically, that's insane to me. That the entire world was like, yeah, we'll send some troops. We'll dip a toe. We'll stop doing what we're doing and come and fight fascism. Even though it's, yeah, not really got much to do with us. And we were the first in the pool. Like, people were like, England were like, it's cold. And we were like, we're in.

We didn't even ask. We just ran and jumped off the wharf. Straight bomb into World War II. But now I'm fascinated about the theatres of war. Like, the different parts of it. Like, Rogue Heroes, which is on TVNZ Plus, free plug. You've got to watch the ads though. You can't skip them.

Trust me, I've tried. No, you can't. Every time. Every time. I was like, blah, blah, blah. But that's set in the theater of war of like North Africa.

Yeah. And that's fascinating. You've got your band of brothers in the main European theater of war. You had, what was the Pacific? Was the miniseries about the Pacific? Yep. Rim. theatre of war. You had, what was the Pacific? Was the miniseries about the Pacific? Yep.

Rim. Field of War. Wasn't Pacific Rim a movie? Pacific Rim was a movie about robots fighting monsters in the future. It's another theatre of war. It is a theatre of war. Thank you. It is a theatre of war.

It is a theatre of war, but it's not World War II. No. So, yeah, you can be a tank ace or a submarine ace. The United States has two submarine aces. I couldn't do a submarine. I don't like that whole below water. Neither. In space or in the ocean, no for me.

It's a hard no. See, I think I could go on a submarine. Not for long. And I'd freak out. Yeah. What do they do with you when you freak out in a submarine? Shut you in a room. Put you in a padded cell, I guess.

Put you in a torpedo and shoot you at a U-boat. Get him out of here. Hell of a way to go. So, yeah, you could be a tank ace. We don't talk too much about tank aces because it's mostly Nazis. Oh, right. Okay. Mostly Nazis.

Mostly Nazis. But the other guys, the submarine aces and the fighter pilots are, you know, a bit more of a spread around the world. But today's fact of the day is when you hear about aces, it's not just pilots who take all the glory. They do. Where's the tank version of Top Gun? I'd watch that.

Fury. Brad Pitt. Oh, yeah, that rule. That was a great movie. That was a great movie. That was a great movie. Mad Max. What?

Why do you keep talking about post-apocalyptic futures? That's an Australian theater of war. Yeah, it's something we can look forward to. Yeah. But there might not be a world around after to dissect it such as. So today's fact of the day is aces come in all sorts of varieties, planes, subs and tanks. Fact of the day, day, day, day, day. ZM's Fletchvorn and Hayley

This is something I'm going to tell you now That I haven't told my wife yet Oh okay Because she won't want to kiss me again Uh oh Uh oh Have you got lice in your beard? that I haven't told my wife yet. Oh, okay. Because she won't want to kiss me again. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Have you got lice in your beard?

No. No lice. Scabies? No scabies. Then I know. But I don't know. I may have contracted some sort of disease. Speaking of kissing your wife,

did you go home and give her a six-second? I did give her a six-second kiss. I didn't tell her. And at the end of it, she was like... I forgot. We talked about this yesterday, the six second kiss theory which is you should kiss your partner twice a day

for six seconds. And it didn't work. What do you mean? Last night. Yesterday. It didn't work. What do you mean it didn't work? How does a kiss work?

We felt closer, do you mean? Yeah. She was meant to be overcome with... Yeah. Okay. See, at the moment, because Aaron's in sort of like dirty Reno mode,

his beard is so mad, I can't find his lips. So I said to him, like, you've got to sort that out. It's like parting the seas. Right. I do. I do sometimes. Anyway, carry on. So I'm tidying up this.

When we were pulling down our garage and building our new garage, I had all this stuff kind of like stored under the treehouse as a sort of a makeshift shelter. And I've been tidying it up, moving things, and kind of getting everything a bit nicer looking again. Yesterday I had to move this like pile of wood that I've got, like firewood. And it was great.

I found a mouse carcass in there. That's one of the things I found in there. But there was like, and have you noticed this, it's moving to West Auckland. We just don't have slugs. We have big honkers. Oh, yeah.

Huge tiger slugs. Yeah. And I know slugs is like a lot of people's work. They just don't, they make sense. Where's your home? Where's your shell? And some people, I hate them.

You look incomplete. Mad phobia about them. So I know even mentioning the word slug to some people's a little off-putting. Like you've got your word that we don't say

that like you can't help it. Well now you've got to say the word because new listeners to the show. You block your ears. Turn off the thingy. Yeah, you take your headphones off. Moth. It's moth. Are ready moth it's moth

are we done it's moth oh I nearly swore I nearly swore you're getting better though because there's those little ones around yeah I am getting better

it's definitely better than it was like five years ago I do a sweep when I get to work I killed one yesterday so you didn't have to see it my hero

well I wanted to have a big can of black flag in the studio and just bomb it all the time. But I know you're also anti just bombing the entire house with fly spray. I am. So I was moving this wood and I was like flicking it.

Oh, yeah. And I flicked it and a slug touched my mouth. Ew. Ew. Aye. No, and it was. You flicked a slug onto your mouth. I was flicking the wood as I picked it up.

I was flicking it to like get stuff off it Like anything that was on it I just would give it a quick flick And then move it into a different place And I went flick And the slug went And hit my mouth Yuck

Yuck It was so You know how if you touch a slug That slime they've got on them You actually have to like scrape it off. It just doesn't touch my mouth. So I just ran over to the garden hose and I was just like holding the hose on my face, just like having like a little dry reach.

You slug juice on you. Slug juice on me. Now I think the moustache in the bed may have stopped what could have been full-blown contact. Yes. And I don't know what, I don't want to think about it, but I don't know what part of the slug touched the... Definitely the anus.

That was 1000% the anus. The slug is all anus. The slug is all anus. 100%. You ever touched one? Yeah. A slug or an anus? Very similar.

It's all anus. It's all swing to, it's one swing to it. It's one big. Yeah. It was so gross. I don't want to think about it too much, whether or not it was the back of the slug, like the part with the tiger pattern, or the under of the slug, and what's worse.

All of it. Yuck. So are you getting your mouth removed? I got it all off. I covered it. Yuck. It's so gross. I covered it. Yuck. It's so gross. I should have thought about this.

This isn't a 25 to 8 in the morning conversation. Someone's trying to eat their breakfast and they're just like, nope. Oh, yuck. But, yeah. Did you tell your wife though? No, I haven't told her. Oh, you don't tell her. Don't tell her.

Nobody tell her. I don't want to be in the same room as you anymore. It's gross. It's so gross. I feel we need to submerge you in like ditto. I her. I don't want to be in the same room as you anymore. It's gross, eh? It's so gross. I feel we need to submerge you in like Dettol. I did. I wiped.

I got hand sanitizer and like just smushed it into my face for a bit as well. Like I gave it the initial rinse under the tap. Then I went in and I was like, Hey, everybody. Didn't like move my mouth too much. Everyone's just like, he's weird, eh? When I say everybody, my wife and children, that guy that lives in this house is weird, eh? The man one.

Yeah, the man one. He's weird. The big guy with the hair on his face but none on his head. He's a weird guy. And so then I went into the bathroom and like soaped up. Just, yeah, I think I'm good. I think I'm clean. Should I be on antibiotics? I think your ass, I think I'm clean Should I be on antibiotics?

I think your ass Your ass I think your essence Is forever changed Dating apps We love talking about them We love hearing about them They're a modern phenomenon

Too many noms? Too many noms Phenomenon Phenomenon Phenomenon Phenomenon I was thinking L Cool J's song Something like a phenomenon Too many noms? Too many noms. Phenomenon. Phenomenon. Phenomenon. Do, do, do, do. I was thinking LL Cool J's song, something like a phenomenon.

We went in different directions. We did. But it turns out not everything on dating apps is as it seems. You heard it. Breaking news. Wow. A few little white lies. A few little white lies. A few little white lies. 51% of people in America lie on their dating app profile.

So whether that's about their height, their occupation, their beliefs, their photos. Oh, yeah. Because I guess if you touched up a photo, that's lying. That's lying technically, right? Yeah, so it's slightly more prevalent in men than it is in women. Are they lying about their height? Yeah, so what they're lying about the most, current hairstyle is one of the things most common people lie about. Also maybe they've got a photo of when they had more hair or when they had a better haircut.

They weren't bald. They've got a photo from when they weren't bald. Yeah. Is that what you mean? Yeah, probably. BSing about their careers is another one that people are lying about. And height is another massive one. But when you lie about your height, you then meet them.

That's just the thing. And you're not that tall. Just wear some sketchy shape-ups. That's going to give you two inches. Yeah, that's a couple. And really shape those calves on that wall. You'd be rocking back and forth, so I want you to laugh. Yeah.

When is heels for men going to come back? Wow. Well, heels originally were for men, weren't they? Yes, they were. They were for when you were riding your horse in battle. The heel would hold the horse and the foot in the stirrup. The stirrup. Right.

Yeah. Yeah. And it also made you look a bit taller and a bit more daunting to the enemy. Popped the calf. Yeah. Popped the calf muscle. Popped the calf out. That's what it's all about.

Yeah, but I don't want to do a heel on the battlefield. No, you wouldn't want to. It's not like a stiletto. You're not going to sink into the mud. No, stilettos were just made for us. Oh, right. So just imagine somebody in the muddy battlefield in stilettos. Be a nightmare.

Foolish. Oh, you're not. It's like seeing girls at a wedding when it's rained a couple of days earlier and they're all sinking into the lawn like, Oh, my God, my shoes. So I wanted to know if you've ever sort of lied on your dating profile or lied on a first date and has it gone wrong? Did it come back to haunt you?

My favourite is when people lie about hobbies and then they meet a guy or a girl. Yeah, like super outdoorsy and you're like. And then you just end up having to do all this super outdoorsy stuff because they're like, well, they like it. Let's do that. Yes. Let's go on a walk on our second or third date. And you're like, I don't want to be on this walk.

I don't even like mountain biking. I'm not a rock climber. Mountain biking is dangerous because everybody thinks they can ride a bike, but they can't ride a bike on a thin, twisty bush path with like hard trees on each side. No, and going downhill. Like... You get found out pretty fast.

So we want to take your calls now. 0800 Dials at M is the number. You can text as well, 9696. Did you tell a lie for a first date and really regret it? So we want to know when you've told a lie at an early stage in the dating process and you've maybe regretted it later.

Yeah, so 50% of Americans, slightly more men than women, are lying on their dating profiles about their appearance, their careers, their lives. And then you go on a date and you're like, hey shorty. I mean, if you're never going to see them again, I guess it doesn't matter.

But it's when you end up in a relationship and then you've told all these lies, it's like, when do you tell them? Yeah. That you're not the CEO of Spark. You couldn't have a small company, could you? You'd be able to Google that pretty easily. I don't know.

I don't know. Those big companies change CEOs all the time. Exactly. Between our second and third date, I stopped being the CEO of a large telco. I gave up. It's a big corporate. A lot of that. Somebody said, my old flatmate lied in his Tinder profile saying he worked too much

when his company went into liquidation because he was always at the pub. Oh, right. Okay. My ex lied about everything. He said marriages ended as they grew apart. However, he had a had about how he had a degree but he didn't have a degree and he lied about being off dating apps when we started actually doing it a few lies there yeah all right keeping them coming in we'll get to more of those

next oh 800 dials it we want to know when you told a lie very early on in the dating process, perhaps in your dating profile, like half of Americans are doing, and regretted it. Anonymous, first up. Good morning, Anonymous. What lie did you tell? Morena. I told a guy that my dad was a cop, you know, so it's based on the first date. That's a great idea.

Is it great? Yeah. I thought so too, but what I didn't realise is that the week later he would actually meet my parents at our graduation as we studied the same thing. Oh dear, and did the topic of your dad being a

quote, policeman come up? Yeah, he went pretty hot. Straight away. Oh no. I just would totally have said, oh I only told you that Because You know I didn't want you to

Yeah I wanted to feel safe On our date Murder me Yeah My dad's a cop You know Yeah Did you guys end up together

Or No Sounds like a different story For a different time Thank you Anonymous Sarah What lie did you tell I told a guy That I met From a hinge that I was a foodie,

and I was definitely not. A foodie! Yeah, so his prompt was, what's a non-negotiable for you in a partner? And it said someone that's a foodie. But he was so hot, like, I'm just like, next level good looking. And so I, like, replied and said, yeah, I'm a foodie.

Got talking for a few weeks. Keep in mind, I'm celiac and highly allergic to gluten. Couldn't tell him. He's like, I've got this massive date planned. I was like, oh, my God. And he took me to a restaurant. Nothing on the menu is gluten free, but could not tell him because I was too far into it. So I ate so much gluten.

Hated all the food. It was really rubbish. I only liked bland food and it was all way too, like, flavoursome for me. Flavoursome. Are you my mother? Then I spent two days vomiting. And did you end up, like, taking it

further with him? Or was that it? No, no. The lie was too deep at that point. What was the thing that you ate that night that was supposed to be the bougiest

but you were just like, you probably couldn't hide the look of disgust on your face. Bread with olives in it? What the hell's that? Bread with olives in it? Jesus, I was expecting

like an oyster or something. You've got bread with olives in it. Somebody has a bread with olives in it. Somebody has a bread with olives in it. I love that. Sarah, thanks for your call. Coburn,

what was the lie you told early on? Well, I matched with a guy online and it had a dog in the photo because everyone loves dogs. Yeah, of course.

And he wanted to go for a walk on the beach so I lied that it was my dog but it's mum's dog. Right. So you have to take a dog on a first date anyway. Good protection. Yeah.

Did you have to go around and get mum's dog? Yeah, so I had to go and steal the dog every time. And she's got like a coded gate and cameras. Oh, my God. Right. So she's yelling at me through the camera like, why are you taking my dog? The problem is that the dog hates God. Right. So she's yelling at me through the camera like, why are you taking my dog? The problem is that the dog hates me.

Oh. I just love the idea of your mum yelling at you through the security cameras. You're like, oh, my God, this crazy woman. Who is this woman? Wow. And did he eventually find out it wasn't your dog? I couldn't deal with the dog too much longer. We just don't get along, so it kind of ended

that little interaction. I would have said I had to put the dog down. You said, I own a dog. Damn it, I do hate that dog. COVID, thanks for your call. Some messages in to finish. A guy online lied about it being naturally tanned. Nope,

he was just always using a lot of tanning product. Okay. Why would you put that on your profile? I'm naturally tanned. I'm six foot five and I'm naturally tanned. Maybe it came up in conversation, like an early conversation. Like, oh, you're lovely and brown for this time of the year. Oh, I'm naturally tanned.

Yeah, yeah. But they weren't. My friend lied about her family owning a Christmas tree farm. A difficult lie to continue, especially at Christmas. He kept asking if they were busy, and...

What the heck? She wouldn't let him meet her family because she knew her family wouldn't lie on her behalf about the Christmas tree farm. It's not even a good lie. It's a't lie on her behalf about the Christmas tree farm. What? It's not even a good lie. It's a dumb lie.

It's not even a good lie. Especially when it gets to Christmas and he's like, man, how good would it be to go get a Christmas tree from your family's farm?

From your private farm. My mum told my dad on their first date 33 years ago that she was a vegetarian. She actually wasn't. Oh. But she had to go with it

and now she is genuinely vegetarian, 33 years later. What, she lied for a first date and hasn't eaten meat since? Dude, not worth it. Not worth it. Not worth it. How good's a steak? The best. There's nothing better?

I've tried it. How good's a mince? Get out. You're embarrassing me I thought we were naming Meats Yeah you name a decent meat Yeah but you've gone

Straight to mince Mince It's the dust of meat Chicken wings Is that better Chicken wings is better But But how good's mince

How versatile is mince What about a slow cooked 12 hour lamb shawl Mince Not short ribs. It's been a while. Now, look, I was, yes, I was, I wouldn't say whinging about it. I had some constructive criticism for the bottled water industry.

Would you? Would you? I think a lot of people will be on board here. I'm anti-bottled water, full stop. I know, but some of my- I've never bought one in my life. Oh, wow. So now I'm...

No, I've bought thousands. Now I'm, what, ruining dolphins? Yeah, you are. You've ruined dolphins. Single-handedly. Well, my issue is bottled water. Why do they fill it to the very top? Is this an issue?

Is this an issue? It is an issue. Is this? I'm thinking about starting a petition.org. So you want to pay for water, which comes out of our tap. Well, you know, sometimes you're out and about, you might be doing something and you're like, well, I need water, but I'm not home.

I don't have my, what is this? Green and bloody. Frank Green. I don't have a Frank Green water bottle. Neither would I if I wasn't gifted it. They're ludicrously expensive. But I know what you mean. You know, like you get a bottle of water and it's so,

it's like they literally fill it to the very top. There isn't even a millimetre gap. Whereas if you buy like a Coke or a Pepsi or any other fizzy, there's always like an inch, right? Or an inch and a half. So you want to pay for a product and get less product. Yes, I do.

I just want like a few centimetres less water because you always spill it. Who's the main offender? You always spill it. Who's the main offender? Any bottled water. But then you don't need to take the lid off bottles. Most of them you can.

I mean, maybe not a pump. Yeah, you can, but I think you could just... Are you still drinking my zones? When you know you had to peel off the little stick of late? Oh, yeah, you had to pull off the little seal to ensure freshness. But why do they fill them to the very top? I don't know. I don't drink it

enough to know that that's even a thing. There are children around the world that would give anything for those couple of extra sips. And you just want to chuck it out. You just don't want to barf it. You just don't want to barf it. You just don't want to spill it on your pants. But why do they do it for water but not the other stuff? So what do you want?

Less water or more coke? So your problem is some things are too full. It's too full. It is too full. I'm not going to be alone in this. They do this and you always spill it. Just have an inch less. God, your life sounds sweet, eh? Yeah. Nothing to worry about.

I'm not saying to worry. I'm just saying. I paid for something and I got too much. Way too much of it. I paid something and you know what? Do you agree with me, producer Jared? They fill water bottles too full.

To the tippity top. I agree because I'm clumsy, not because they're giving me too much. I'm always spilling it. Yeah. I'm happy to receive more product. I would just like the packaging to reflect that. Right. So you're sick of spilling a light stainless liquid onto designer jeans.

You want less of a calorie-free hydrator. Which is integral to life. Yes, you want less of that because you don't want a temporary mark of wetness. Or a dribble of wetness. No, I don't want a dribble of wetness. It was worse. I'll tell you what was worse was when they used to give you water in like a yogurt bottle on a plane.

Oh my God. And you'd just be like, it was like diffusing a bomb. You'd be like, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. I'm going to... And they'd just... It's all over me.

It's all over my... That's right. It's all over my gooey. What was with that water? And there was like not enough. It was not a cup. I tell you what, all those flight attendants

that now have to open those bottles of water filled to the very top are going to agree with cup. I tell you what, all those flight attendants that now have to open those bottles of water filled to the very top are going to agree with me. I will say shout out to Air New Zealand. Twice I've been so hungover they've noticed and they've given me the full bottle. You know when they come around with the big Kiwi blues and they like top you up a glass and a couple of times they've gone, oh hon. Or if you take your drink bottle back and you're like, would you please be able to fill

this up for me? I'm dying. And they're like, I tell you what, mate, take the whole bottle. And you're like, I appreciate please be able to film this? I'm dying. And they're like, tell you what, mate, take the whole bottle. And you're like, I appreciate you. I feel like you've seen him. You must really look shriveled up. You look like an absolute prune. Yeah, and then you're like, got any chips?

I'm like, sir, you can have some cassava chips. I said chips. I said chips. I didn't say potatoes. I didn't say cassava. I want corn or potatoes. I need starchy kawaii. She's like

Here we go I'm over it You fellas I'm going to assume Would never have dealt With the fiddly process Of taking a pregnancy test No

I've been there When one's been taken, but not, I didn't hold it, nor did I pee on it. Yeah. Although I thought that would be pretty neat. So most of them you, like some of them, they get you to pee into like a cup or a tray and then you dip. But some of them you just shove into the stream as it's coming out.

So you're sort of like down. Oh, that doesn't sound good. Get it in. It gets all over your hands. Then you've got to flick it off. Then you've got to pull it up. And then it dribbles down your hand a bit.

It goes to your wrist. Then you put the cap on and you're covered in your own wee-wees. And then you wait. How long do you have to wait? Like 15? Is it like a COVID test? Kind of COVID-y, yeah. Okay.

It's been a while for me. Is it the same as a COVID test? Is it a line? It's very faint. Oh my God, is it? Is it? Oh no. And then you never believe the first one.

Yeah, so you take another one. You take another one. Same wee or next wee? Probably, probably. No, you need fresh wees. Yeah. Because quite a lot, because once you start,

you sort of got to get it really going. And if you don't have a solid stream of wheeze, it can be a nightmare. Same with the spit. You know, if your spit's too frothy. Yeah. And it clogs all the COVID tests.

And the peak of it. Well, I mean, I say peak of it, but we're back to the peak of it. So now When we cared Yeah

And tried to stop Community transmission Yeah When we cared And we were all doing rats The entire time I could nail a rat Get it done

Boom Done All the ones I've done lately After I've had a hoon around Yeah And I do the dip It gets real frothy Frothy

And then when I'm squeezing The drops in It blocks it And it goes Yeah And it goes. And it goes. Yeah.

Are you blowing your nose? Because you're meant to blow your nose before you do it. My technique hasn't changed. All right. Are you doing the throat? I think Jacinda's ordering the cheap tests. Yeah. Do you know what? The worst COVID tests I've done are the one they give you at the border.

Yeah. When you're coming through back from overseas. Oh, yeah. They give you a couple. And they're not juicy enough. And the stick they give you at the border. Yeah. When you're coming through back from overseas. Oh, yeah. They give you a couple and they're not juicy enough. And the stick's not long enough. Stick's short. They're not juicy enough. Is that a dry, is it a big dry end on it too?

No, it's quite a skinny knob. I love a skinny little end on the rack. Yeah, it goes in easier. Yeah, it goes up easier. It goes in much easier. Afterward, you don't feel like you've got COVID just because you've been absolutely up in your sinuses. Exactly.

Anyway, introducing Sally's Stick, which is the world's first saliva-based pregnancy test. Oh, wow. In which you can, they're set to go on sale next year in the UK in your, like, Boots pharmacies, like nowhere special or anything, just in your pharmacies for about £8, 16 bucks. Which would be what a pregnancy test is?

Yeah. I don't know. I don't know what they cost nowadays. You can get real basic ones. Yeah. And then you can get the ones that tell you like how far along you are as well. Right. Fancy wancy ones.

So, yeah, it was created by an Israeli-based Salogenos... SodaStream. Probably the SodaStream people. Probably SodaStream. You pump it three times until it farts. This is funny. Pump it three times until it farts.

That's everything in Israel. That's the rule. If it's made in Israel, you have to pump it three times until it farts. It's called the SodaStream rule. Yeah. So the guy who introduced, the guy who invented this said it's going to enable couples to go through the experience of taking a pregnancy test together. A lot of people do anyway.

Yeah. You're having a baby. Yeah. Why is it only now? Like, you know, COVID happened and they're like, quick, make a test. Done. I know. 3,000 years they've been using urine

to determine if a woman's pregnant. I don't know how they did it before the sticks. Smell. What was it? It was you and... The Great. Remember in The Great? And she had to pee on a thing

and if the flowers grew, she was hapu. No. What was that in? The Great. Remember, you know, about Catherine the Great? Oh, really? A TV show and she had to like pee on something. No, there was a, there was a, there was a,

something to do with another animal. Was it? Oh, yeah, ancient Egyptians. That was what I was just about to Google. Oh, they urinated, ancient Egyptian women urinated on barley or wheat seeds. And then they would sprout. Quickly sprouting seeds indicated pregnancy. No, there was another one with an animal

and you did something to the animal. Okay. And then... I feel like it was a rabbit. Right. Well, so with this one, you find out that it is. It's got a foam tip. Yeah.

Which is kind of like the one you weigh on. You stick it in your mouth for a few moments as you would a thermometer. Then you transfer it into a plastic tube like a COVID test. A COVID test, yeah. Where a biochemical reaction takes place with a thermometer, then you transfer it into a plastic tube like a COVID test where a biochemical reaction takes place with a result given in less than 10 minutes. Wow. This is so good

that they're making things easier like this. Yeah. Before the days of instant pregnancy tests, a woman's sample was injected into a rabbit. There were several varieties of this test. One allegedly would kill the rabbit if the pregnancy hormone was present in the sample. Most accounts indicate the rabbit was killed and dissected either way.

The rabbit test. Yeah, I remember you would need a lot of rabbits. By the 1970s, that stopped. 1970s! They didn't need to kill the rabbits after the pregnancy test. Well, that's good. That's insane! One other thing this reminds me of. I don't know if people know

this. Shut up, Siri. I'm not talking to you today. We've had a fight. You know pap smears, which you have to do vaginally, but you can do them at home now. Right. Well, they send you a test kit. Yeah, people that are like, I don't want to do that because I don't want to go and have the process

of someone. They just send you a test and you just go. Are you doing it right? That seems like something that a medical professional should still be piloting I mean I would recommend it because they get to see it Yeah they get to, and that's the area of expertise, how do you know you're going far enough, how do you know you're hitting the right spot

how do you know you're not like contaminating the sample, you know You know when you hit the right spot and I don't mean that. Anyway, let's not keep going on this. But you can. If you are avoiding it, it's better than nothing. Yeah, totally. It's better than nothing, but I would also say, you know,

go and get one of those done. I haven't had one done. We've moved this P-stick into a PSA. A PSA. PSA to get that test. Play ZM's Fletchford and Ailey. Play ZM. Christmas in the Smith house is the same every year. It has been for as long as I can remember.

I like that. We used to go to Nan's, but now Nan comes to Mum and Dad's. And it's always the same. But this year there's changes. Changes afoot. Uh-oh. Are we happy about this? Yeah, I'm happy because last year I said to mum,

mum buys these rolled turkey things with stuffing in the middle and they're in a net. Yum. They are pretty yum. And I'm always in charge of cooking them on the barbecue. Turkey? Because the oven's too busy with other things. Yeah, right. There's only one oven.

What about those people that have two ovens? That's next level, eh? I know. They've got a kitchen and double ovens. But when you're doing your kitchen and you're like, we'll do double ovens, and then you're like, we're already so over budget, you're like, next time and then.

You can never afford a double oven. No. And you'll never use it. You'll use your single oven. I don't even use my one oven. He's a stovetop guy. He's a stovetop guy. I'm a stovetop guy. But I said to mum, we should try a real turkey.

Oh, okay. I said this last Christmas, we should try a real turkey. Where do you even get those from? I don't know. She said there was one at the supermarket, a two and a half kg turkey. Is it a decent sized turkey? I don't know. How big is a chicken?

1.5. That's a big chicken. Okay. Oh, that's a big turkey then. We could get a big turkey. Are you going to put it on your head? I'm not going to put it on my head. Mr. Bean.

I'm not a turkey. So good. You have to put it on your head first before you cook it. I'm not putting it on my head. You should put it on your head. I'm not putting it on my head. You should, you should. That's gross.

You should. I'm not a turkey. And then send me a hello approach. I'm not a turkey. should. Gross. You should. And then send me a hello. Hello. At least put it on your arm and be like hello turkey. I'm going to probably have to

I'm going to stuff the turkey. So that's change number one. We're moving from pre-rolled turkey things to a proper turkey.

And then mum said are you still alright to do potatoes? Now potatoes have been Nan's bag. Nan forever has done potatoes. She's handing me the potato mantle. Wow. Big, I know, big, big shoes.

Because everyone's going to turn up wanting Nan's taties. I think Nan will still be in charge of cooking taties because it's a very fine art, the Christmas taties. Don't you just boil them? Yeah, but you've got to get them off just right. Oh, if they're too soft. You don't peel them. This is a good handover.

This is a good handover. Yeah. Because Nan's still there. Nan's still there. She can make sure you do them right. She gets the... Because you're talking about your baby potatoes or your perlers, your small ones.

Yeah, your new season. Your new season. Your new season taters. I've got Jersey Bennies growing in the garden at the moment. I think they're going to be just right in time for Christmas. It's Jersey Bennies and early season potato. Right. It's a lovely Christmas potato.

Oh, my God. Listen, do you hear yourself? But I'm in charge of potatoes. And it's a big... You're proud. I think potatoes, given our Irish, our Celtic ancestry, very important to us. Your ancestry.com has changed.

You're hardly Irish. You're more ginger Scottish. I'm Highland Scottish. Yeah, very important to us. Your ancestry.com has changed. You're hardly Irish. You're more ginger Scottish. I'm Highland Scottish. Ginger Scottish, yeah. There's a bit of ginger coming through. It's my Scottish. But the potato's very important, and the pressure's on. The pressure's on.

So what's your mode here? What do you mean, mode? What's your attack? How are you going to not disappoint? The potatoes have been in the ground for a long time. I'll dig them just before we head down to mum and dad's for Christmas so they're fresh out the ground. If you screw this up though...

I know! The whole entire family... That's what I said mum, the pressure's on. If worse comes to worse we can always buy potatoes. I said no because you... What if we ruin them on Christmas? Oh my god, heaven forbid. You shouldn't have potatoes on Christmas. You can't stuff up a

Christmas dish, especially if you're bringing it. And the supermarkets are shut. Like, if you ruin Christmas and you've got no other food in the house... Imagine having potatoes. You're screwed. Imagine having to have a macaroni. Oh, a macaroni on Christmas? Well, I'm just saying I was after another snarchy card.

Yum. Some sort of pasta. Imagine if the only pasta you had in the house was lasagna sheets. I actually think macaroni, Christmas macaroni could be a winner there. Like, imagine ham on the bone chopped up into cubes with macaroni. Macaroni cheese. Cheese. But because it's Christmas, bougie cheeses too.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Blue cheese. Yeah, blue cheese. Yeah, blue cheese and macaroni. Christmas mac cheese. We're making this then. Can we get a triple blah, blah, blah on this? Yeah, it's good stuff. Christmas mac and cheese across the board.

That sounds like a winner to me. We want to know when you ruined a Christmas dish. When you were like, maybe the pressure was too much, you burnt the meat in the oven. Or you didn't follow, did you know there's a defrosting turkey scale? Like, depending on how much your turkey weighs, how long before Christmas you have to get it in the fridge. Turkeys take an insane amount of time to defrost. They hold their cold.

They hold their cold. The tur They hold their cold. They hold their cold. The turkeys hold their cold. Who knew? Oh, that's more of a... Well, let's take your calls. 0800 DALSATM. Text in as well. 9696. Have you ruined Christmas dinner? And was it pudding?

And is that why your family got rid of you? Because you could almost give... A dry chicken. Because you can absolutely just cover that in gravy. But you can't... If you ruin the trifle, I'll ruin you. You collapse the path, you're getting a punch in the face. Are we taking calls from people that are dobbing in other people?

Oh, absolutely. Like when mum got too drunk or dropped some food everywhere. That's it. Yeah, okay. 0800-DARLS. If you miss a number drunk or dropped some food everywhere. That's it, that's it. Okay, 0800-TARLS-AT-M is the number. You can text as well, 9696. When did you ruin Christmas food-wise? We want to know when you ruined Christmas Day food-wise.

Vaughan has a big responsibility this Christmas in charge of the family potatoes. Yeah, I'm growing. I'm growing the new season potatoes. Marlene's been doing that for years. Someone said, what happened to Nan? I know Nan's still around, but apparently the potatoes got hit with the late frost and as a result, the blight set in.

Yeah, right. It's just important to do the handover really, isn't it? Like when someone's leaving work. Take care of some admin. Yeah. It's a handover period. You've got to do it now, you know? Yeah.

Well, it could actually talk to, should we lose Marlene before the handover, I could talk to Kelvin Cruikshank. I mean, that's... And I tell you what, I'd be able to, that would be a great way to tell if they were full of shit or not. Okay, tell me what Nan would say about the potatoes. Yeah, good test. Boil them?

How long? Yeah. What kind of water? Do we put them in, good test. Boil them? How long? Yeah. What kind of water? Do we put them in cold water or do we start them in hot water? Oh, thank God. Or just ask it what her pin number is. That's very true. Can we get Calvin Crookshank on the show, actually?

Andy, good morning. How did you ruin Christmas food-wise? So not me, but it was my mum. Actually, indirectly me. So big family, 20 people playing backyard cricket, and I'd always try and hit the ball pretty close to the house to get mum quite wound up as she was in the kitchen.

You little shit. You little bastard. Andy! What did she yell? Andrew! Andrew, yeah, that's when I'm in trouble. So, she came out pretty wound up and decided she would have a hit and ended up hitting the ball through the window above the kitchen sink.

Oh, no. And the glass shattered all through everything she had just prepared. Oh, Andrew. Flip a table. You can't pick the glass out because some of the shards would be so tiny. Yeah. Oh, no. Yeah, exactly.

So she just had an absolute meltdown, went inside, grabbed a bottle of Kahlua and sent it out the door. Kahlua. Dude, no. Yeah, exactly. So she just had an absolute meltdown, went inside, grabbed a bottle of Kahlua and spent the afternoon away. Dude, no. Kahlua's not an afternoon drink in the hot Kiwi summer. I love that. I love that. Ah, brilliant. Andy, thank you.

So Vaughan is in charge of Christmas potatoes. Yeah. Also, some people are messaging in being like, cook them in duck fat. Wrong potatoes. Wrong potatoes. These are a new season boiled tate with mint

leaves and I'm going to be putting in a little extra butter. Nan was heavy handed on the salt. I'll be soaking up salt for butter. Salt during the cook, a sprinkle, not too much. I can't wait to hear how this goes because if you ruin this, your entire family... Well, I'll be balancing that with the turkey.

Yeah, okay. Which I'm not even sure what method we're using to cook the turkey. Mum and Dad only have a gas barbecue and they can be a little hot. Yeah. Michael, when did you ruin Christmas food-wise? Well, I'm actually dobbing in my cousin. Oh, good. Okay. I'm not going to name names because I know he listens to the station as well.

Okay. What does that rhyme with? What do you... What does his that rhyme with? What do you... What does his name rhyme with? Oh, I'm going to say the guy... The actor's name who plays Chandler in Friends. Matthew. Matthew.

Matthew. Yes. Let's say his name's Matthew. Wait, do you mean he told us what it was? Wait, clues. I would have said it rhymes with Rat-Hugh-Thru. Rat-Hugh-Thru? Rat-Hugh-Thru. Yeah. Okay, so how did he ruin Christmas dinner? I would have said it rhymes with rat hue through. Rat hue. Rat hue through.

Rat hue, yeah. Okay, so how did he ruin Christmas dinner? Well, basically, so my granddad and my uncle had just finished up on the barbecue. Food was just laid out on the table. We were all sitting up. We all sat down, had our glasses of wine. My cousin was helping my nana bring out the gravy boat. God damn it, I love gravy boats!

Exactly. You can't have Christmas without gravy. And he gets to the table and absolutely sends them flying. Oh, no! Shipwreck, shipwreck! And it was a Christmas without gravy. No, no. You didn't have a backup Maggi packet in the pantry?

So, the only thing that we could think of was we have banned him from the kitchen on all Christmases since. Yeah, good. He can't be carried. I ban him from the family. It's a life ban. How good is at the end of it where you're kind of milling around and everyone's like, I couldn't eat another thing. And you grab like a potato and you just, with a fork, straight into the gravy boat.

Oh, there's never gravy left. That's the one thing you have to do. Wow, this Matthew guy. What a piece of gravy boat. Michael, thank you so much. Matt, this is your auntie that ruined Christmas food. It was grandfather. I'm not the Matthew from the call before. I was going to say,

what's your history like with gravy boats? Just clarification. Okay, good. Not the same Matt. So yeah, we were, Aunty is a professional cake maker, spent two days making this pristine Christmas cake and literally had it out for dessert.

So after a full, you know, talk of the family, this cake's amazing. She's sliding the knife into the cake. An old granddad who's losing his marbles a little bit busts out the wettest sneeze that you have ever seen. An old person's sneeze. It's like a light shower.

It's like a light shower. They're so full of snot. It's because their insides are slowly dissolving and they're expelling them through sneeze. Exactly right. It was one of those ones where you could see the little droplets glistening in the light as it flies onto the cake.

I mean, it's still gross regardless of what year it happened, but is this pre or post-COVID? This is pre-COVID. Did you eat it, Matt? It was one of those motion moments as well. You know,

the whole family's face just literally just dropped to the floor and we just sat there and looked at this cake while Grandad hoed into it. Oh, of course he did. You should have made him

eat all the icing. Maybe that was his plan. Now he's got the whole cake for himself. Smart. Matt thinks he calls the messages to finish. Oh, I mean,

I'm still reeling in that gravy boat situation. I made the most perfect pav. It was incredible. I used the Chelsea Winter recipe. Now, there's someone who wouldn't fail you at Christmas. No. Chelsea Winter.

And I was so proud of it, I left it in the oven overnight, switched it off, of course. Christmas morning, I get up and preheat the oven to start the chickens, and I totally forgot the pav was in there. Oh, my God, no. It was a chewy meringue. Oh, no. It turned into a chewy meringue. I've got a Christmas pot like this Friday, and I always do a pav.

Yeah. So that'll be, I'll be on that this week.'ve got a Christmas pot like this Friday and I always do a pav. Yeah. So that'll be, I'll be on that this week. Chelsea, when do you buy a, you buy a pav from the supermarket and a tart to a can cream and you just. No, I make it from scratch. Do you? I don't believe that one. He just said before he hasn't used his oven. This is from the guy who gets Mama Fiorelli's.

Apart from Christmas. Excuse me, Mama Fiorelli's. It's a great garlic bread. That's what you bring to your party. You bullied me into another garlic bread the other week and I didn't like it. That's your fault. It was too crusty.

It was too crunchy. It was a heavy crust. Yum. You didn't par-bake it right. It might have needed a par-baking. It was baked to perfection. Dad got a telegraphic fishing rod for Christmas and decided to try it out above a table full of Christmas dinner.

Fluorescent bulb didn't fare well and neither did the dinner. Powdered into all of our dinner. Were you eating Christmas dinner in a workshop? It was like going... Well, congratulations to you, podcast listeners. You've reached the end. So I would assume if you've listened all this way through, you're either asleep, in which case, wake up!

Or you enjoyed it. So drop us a review and tell your friends. That's how podcasts work. ZM's Fletch, Vaughan and Hayley.