ZM's Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley - Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley's Big Pod - 13th December 2023

Episode Date: December 12, 2023

Declining Invitations  Silly Little Poll!  Top 6: Speed Zones  Hayley's Mushrooms  Chris-Mass: Christine Smith!  Fact of the Day Day Day Day Daaaaay!See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

The ZM Podcast Network. The Flesh, Vaughan and Hayley Big Pod. Enjoy a refreshing McCafe iced coffee available only from Macca's. Great things are brewing. Good morning. Welcome to the show, Flesh, Vaughan and Hayley. It's one minute past six. What's up? You got your sunnies on?

Sunnies are on. I put sunblock on every day because I'm on a quest for eternal youth. Yep. And it's like none of it went on the skin and all of it just went straight in the eyes. I've been struggling with this for an hour already and it's 6am. How did you drive to work? Dangerously,

I'll admit it. One eye shot. Just bleaking. Right. Have you gone to the bathroom and like put water in your eye? I would have to do a bowl. A bowl. You have to blink into a bowl. So What was that stuff called? Growing up you'd have an eye bath

of optrics. Oh yeah. I don't know. My dad always get it because he'd get dust in his eye on the farm and he'd come in and he'd put his eye in a thing and then he'd swish his head around. Like a little eye bath. Like an eye bath. But there was a very specific stuff around. It was in every medicine cabinet in the 90s.

It might have been Optrex, I think. Right. It was juice. Well, I mean, how are you going to read the internet? I've got it up really bright. I mean, the good bit is that I look so cool

with my sunglasses on. Yeah, that's the main thing. Well, thoughts and prayers for you. Oh, thank you. Oh, my God. Received open-heartedly. Thank you. Battling this morning.

Silly little poll coming up on the show. We're going to get to the results of the advent calendar, should the door be open or closed, after you eat the chocolate little chocolate. After you heard the chocolate carob square. Yeah. I didn't. Well, you know I got a herbs and spices. And you just opened it all. And I just opened it all.

And then threw it out. Top six as well coming up. Yeah, the transport minister, Simone Brown, she is going to propose that speed limits don't get dropped as planned. Okay. Back. The blanket sort of dropping of speed limits to reduce the amount of lives lost on the road

out the window. Well, reducing lives doesn't feel to be sort of the name of the game. And I like to... Reducing lives is their name of the game. Reducing lives lost was their previous name of the game. Sometimes I think a 30 should be a 50. You know?

Sometimes a 30 is a 50. I know what I mean. I've got the top six new speed zone proposals. Okay. Oh, good fun. Because you're right, sometimes a 30 could be a 50. Yeah. But it needs a special name. Sometimes an 80 could be a 110. Yeah. I think we need more 110s in general.

Yeah, next on the show. Great news for Vaughan, terrible news for Hayley and middling news for Vaughan. Terrible news for Hayley. And middling news for Fletch. Okay. So, you know me, I can't say no. I can't say no to a social invite. Sometimes you do say no and I'm like, wow.

Okay, you must actually have something on. You're really important. Yeah. What did I say no to recently? And I'm like, wow, okay, you must actually have something on. You're really important. Yeah. What did I say no to recently? And I was like, that was tough. I really sat with it for a little while. Whereas Vaughan, good Lord. Happily say no to any event, won't you?

Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So there was some research done looking at why declining invitations to things like holiday parties, because it's the season at the moment, might actually be good for you. Because they did like, they did one of those scenarios, you know where they like hook you to like a heart rate thing? Oh, yeah. And then they read you a couple of scenarios. Oh my God, I saw somebody put their Apple Watch up against their dog and then it was like getting the dog's heart rate,

like you say, like getting hooked up to a machine, and then they'd hover like a biscuit, a dog biscuit, and its heart rate would go up. I was like, I need to do that with my cat. I do that when I see a biscuit too. Yeah, right. How much do you go up? Absolutely racist when I see a biscuit.

Yeah, same. What about a cake? Depends what kind of biscuit. Cake, what about cake? You come home and there's like squiggles on the counter. Cake, it's like, have you just had a fall? Should I alert the services? So John's comes over, you're like, no, I just came in the kitchen, saw a cake.

Anyway, they rented a scenario. One of them was they asked participants to read this scenario where they were receiving or giving an invitation from or to a friend to dinner on Saturday night at a local restaurant hosted by a celebrity chef. I'm there. You're there. That sounds great.

Jamie Oliver. Hayley, Jamie Oliver's going to be at Danny Doolin's cooking his famous schnitzels. Sorry, I've done my Danny Doolin's for the decade. I simply can't. That is wild that out of all of us, you were the last one at Danny Durlands at two in the morning. That's weird.

So then the participants receiving the invitation had to imagine themselves declining the event because they already had plans that day and wanted to spend a night relaxing at home. And those who imagined giving the invitation had to think about their friend declining for the same reason. Right.

And then they were trying to go like, because when you decline an event, your whole thing is like, oh no, but I'm going to miss out or I'm going to disappoint my friends or whatever. Yeah. The fear of missing out. Yeah.

I wish there was like a cool, fun term for the fear of missing out. What about hatred of missing out? Homo. Homo. Let's go with FOMO, shall we? Oh, guys, I hope you guys have such a good night. I've got some massive HOMO. It's actually why I can't make it, darling.

And so, basically, the whole thing that they found out was like that saying no was so much better for your stress levels than the idea of actually going. And the impact on the person who imagined receiving the decline, the invite decline, was nothing. They were like, I don't really care. Right. So the heart rate went up when people had to imagine going out and socialising.

And saying yes, more so than when they were like accepting just saying no. Oh, really? Okay, wow. And then they were like, you've got to look after yourself in the holiday season. You can't go out to every single other thing. The people hosting it appreciate a no rather than a maybe, and then they'll cater for you or make allowances for you and you don't end up going.

Yeah. Yeah. Was that targeted? It felt really targeted. It felt targeted. That feels targeted. I've been flaky on New Year's. Felt targeted. That feels targeted. I've been flaky on New Year's.

You've been flaky on New Year's. Yeah. You have been actually. Sharae was. Wait, you're not committing. You were mentioned by name yesterday and the people that she's not had a definitive answer from. Yeah. Wow.

Okay. All the while I was like, maybe we just cancel. Maybe we just cancel. Oh my God. The hentai New Year's thing. I, my God. The whole time you used it. I don't want to be the downfall of this. I just heard Jared talking yesterday about potato salad and I was like, God, we're bringing dishes.

I might just stay home. I was sort of hoping Vaughan would just come home. It's unlike you. It's unlike you. Yeah, I know. Play ZM's Fletch, Vaughan and Hayley. Fletch, Vaughan and Hayley. Silly little poe.

Silly little poe. It is so silly, silly, silly that the silly little pole, silly little pole. Silly little pole, silly little pole, silly little pole. Today's silly little pole. When you are enjoying an advent calendar, which must be on special now. Oh, yeah. If there's any left. Heavily reduced to clear now.

Well, do you know what's good? Because my Christmas tree looks like shit. Oh, my God. It does. It does. Now that it's only like 10 days away from Christmas, all the decorations are. Why did you not go baubles?

I was trying to be baubles. I was mad when you were like, oh, I'm going baubles? I was trying to be baubles. I was mad when you were like, oh, I'm going baubles. I was trying to be superior. I was going to say, I was trying to be better than everyone else. You had an air of arrogance. I did. And it looked shit. It looks terrible.

Okay, the stories are on your Instagram? On my personal Instagram, yeah. It looks terrible. It looks like what I imagine a 1910s Christmas tree would have looked like. Yeah. Seriously, go the baubles. Baubles for the win every time. Fill a lot of space.

You don't even need tinsel. Baubles. How am I going to explain that to Aaron? You know what I mean? The whole thing's all just contentious. Anyway. Right, okay. It just looks terrible.

See, it's some unplanned spending coming up, is it? Yeah, I might accidentally drive past a bloody look shop on the way home. Do you know what I mean? We've got to keep costs down, but it's so bare. Yeah. Because I bought an eight-footer, but I bought enough decorations for a two-footer. Yeah.

It's barren. You've ruined Christmas. I've actually ruined... It's depressing to look at. I might as well take the whole thing down. Get yourself an advent calendar as well. It'll make you feel better. Yeah.

Because you now get to eat two weeks worth of chocolate. Yes. Advent calendars. When you're get to eat two weeks worth of chocolate. Yes. Advent calendars. When you're opening them, do you leave the door open? Like, it's been opened and the chocolate's been added

or do you shut the door again? Open. I leave it open. You leave it open. Yeah. You leave it open. Slightly ajar so you know you've opened it.

The jaw's ajar. Did we put ajar as an option? We also missed a very popular option that I had not even considered. There are monsters out there. People rip the doors off. How do they? They rip them off.

They don't rip the doors off. They're not perforated to be ripped off. They're perforated so they can open. It's the hinge. I reckon they'll be ripping them off and tearing more than just the cork. Do you know what I mean? It would look so messy. Then you've also got to look at the ugly plastic tray

that's left in there. That's why I prefer to shut a jar. And that's me. The plastic tray is ugly. Yeah, who won? Oh, look. I squashed any long things. It's so manky.

Manky, yeah. Leave the door open one on 66%. So close to nine. Shut it, you animal. 34%. 66% is actually order 66. It's a Star Wars reference if everybody wanted to. Like, we're 69, we go nice, and we get a little bit silly and sexy,

but like 66 is a Star Wars association. No, 66 is spooning position when you've got your head down at the feet end of the bed. Somehow the rompty-pompty's gone so ruckus that your head is now away from the pillows, but you're tired now, so you're spooning. Or if someone's snuck into your bedroom and is looking from the head of the bed down the bed. Yeah, right. While you're asleep. Ella says, rip it right off.

Rip it off? No, what is wrong with people? I'm expelling her from the show. Oh, don't. No, because if you keep- It would be nice to retain a couple of listeners. If they're expelling us every day, we won't have any- We're quality over quantity.

No, we are here for listeners. No, we are. We're here for quantity. Are we quantity? Yeah. I thought all this time we were going for quality over quantity. No. No, no, no.

Oh, no. I should have kept my mouth shut. Yeah. Yeah, you should have. If we don't have listeners, this is all very masturbatory I should have kept my mouth shut. Yeah. Yeah, you should have. If we don't have listeners, this is all very masturbatory. Do you know what I mean? It's just the three of us hanging out with microphones. Yeah, yeah.

You've got to leave it open, Angela says. You've got to show your progress. So she leaves it open. Yeah. But doesn't rip it off. Okay. Guys, I can get a 40-pack of baubles from the warehouse for $10. Yes. There you go. The warehouse saving the dayles from the warehouse for $10. Yes.

There you go. The warehouse saving the day. That's a 40 pack. Yes. Okay. That's you. Sorry. I am listening, Vaughn.

I'll cover it. Just silver and gold. Yes. Silver and gold. They're going to look so good. Are they the big fat ones? They're the mixture of sizes. Yeah.

Okay. That's a 40 pack. That'll fill her out. Yeah. And Aaron won't. You just say that you bought those weeks ago. No, I'll say I've borrowed some baubles. From me because I'm going away. That'll fill her out. Yeah, that'll fill her out. And Aaron won't. You just say that you bought those weeks ago. Because I know he's... No, I also have borrowed some baubles.

From me, because I'm going away. Because you're going away, so your tree's... He's not going to believe you have a tree. No, no, wait. Play him this bit back on the podcast. Wait. Give it a couple of seconds. Oh, do you want to borrow my baubles?

I've got a massive pack of variety of sizes, Hayley. But Carl, what about your tree? That wasn't good acting. That wasn't good acting. I won't need it because I'm going away for four weeks. You referred to him as Carl for perhaps the first time ever. Okay. Sorry, and again. Okay, wait. How many is there? 40. 40, yeah.

Oh, Hayley, don't panic. I've got 40 various sized baubles that you can use. Oh my God, Fletcher to my left. That is incredible. May I please borrow them? Absolutely, because I'm going away for four weeks and I don't have a Christmas tree this year.

How much are you going to charge her to hire your baubles? Oh, nothing, because I already bought them from the warehouse last year. Free? Yeah, free. Free? This is fantastic. Great news.

At the moment, I'm really trying to budget. Yeah, and you're doing so well. And she doesn't have money to frivolously spend on baubles. Yeah. That's right. That's why there are not three tabs open for Moochie on my laptop. Wait, no. I think there's enough there that you can play Aaron the podcast and pause it.

I'd stop for the Moochie bit. Pause that. Yeah, he won't buy that. And then you can be like, oh, my God, Fletch is lending us. And he'll be like, BS, you spent money. And I'll be like, I'll pay you the money. Did you listen to the show today? Because I know he's not listening. So what you do is go to the supermarket he'll be like, BS, you spent money. And I'll be like, I'll pay you the money. Did you listen to the show today? Because I know he's not listening.

So what you do is go to the supermarket on the way home, get cash out, then pop into the warehouse and spend that cash there so there's no electronic trace. I'm doing dirty deals.

I'm doing dirty deals behind his back. And in the car, throw away, open up the box and rough it up like it's been used a Christmas before.

You're a deceitful man. I might smash a couple of baubles. You're a very naughty boy. I'll smash one or two and be like it's been used at Christmas before. You're a deceitful man. I might smash a couple of baubles. You're a very naughty boy. I'll smash one or two and be like, oh my God, this bastard,

he gave me bloody baubles. Two of them are smashed. Yeah, just say I stepped Don't worry if they're $10 for 40, there's a chance there's a couple of them broken already.

Some kids poked their finger through and smashed it. Yeah, inspect them. Okay, this is great. Okay, good, good. Thank you guys. I'll just go through

real quick. Juliet likes to leave it a jar. Danny says my brother and I would always race to find the next. Also, shouting it made it more challenging. Nicole said rip it right off. Expelled. No, Vaughn, stop expelling listeners. I keep forgetting we're not going for quality, we're going for quantity.

Thank you. Boy, we'll take any dum-dum around here. Please listen to the show. Is that a good sales pitch? No, my God. I usually leave it open, says Georgia, because they're easier to find the next day with less options. However, I have the Lego Harry Potter. Oh, you want that, don't you? Advent calendar.

This year, so the advent calendar itself is a background to a little Harry Potter Christmas and Hopsmead. Okay, rip the door off for that then. Georgia, I want that. It's a little speed. Okay. Rip the door off for that then. Oh, Georgia. Salud, LePo. Done. Next on the show. There is a woman who has a method to drink less over the course of a year.

And you are actually contemplating trying this method next year. To say it is needed is an understatement. There is a woman who is shared online because, you know, it's the season, a lot of parties going on. Summer, you always want to pop out and have a little glass of wine on the deck. Yeah, yeah. And we all know that we should all, you know,

however much you're drinking, it should always be less. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, I think for years they tried to release some articles being like, a glass of wine a day. And you're like, no. And doctors were just like, no, no.

Ideally, we're not doing that. Yeah. Now, this is rich coming from me, a woman who honestly put away a quarter of a bottle of whiskey last night. Didn't even touch the sides. Yeah, nice. It didn't touch the sides. I was just in the festive season.

I was decorating the tree. It looks like shit. Is that wine? Yeah, it could have been. They were just all rogue and sort of chucked on. Anyway, for me, I was decorating the tree. Looks like shit. Is that wine? It's all rogue and sort of chucked on. Yeah. Anyway, for me, I'm always like, I've got to cut back on that, you know.

And there was a woman who shared a way that she's doing it, or she's done it this year and she plans on continuing to do it, in fact, upping it, that I was like, that actually makes it feel incredibly manageable. So she basically doesn't drink for three months a year minimum. That's her minimum.

Now, if I was to look down the barrel as someone who loves a social occasion with a drinky poo and a lovely wine down, a glass of wine at the end of the day and a quarter of a bottle of whiskey on a Tuesday night, I would look at three months and find that incredibly difficult, right? I'd be like, oh, man, you feel like, well, what about this? What about this? But the way she does it is she breaks it up. She takes one, she allocates one week

for each month of the year to not drinking. Okay. So she just goes, this is my week, Monday to Sunday, no drinks. A week, you're like, I could do that. I say, you could do that. I could easily, I like, I have not, I do not like drinking during the week. No, I know.

And that's why you look the way you do. So she just basically does that. And when you add it all up, it's three months of no booze. So if the doctor was saying you need to pull back, then you're, then, you know, if you're someone who has a glass of wine every single day. Yeah. Probably not great.

Right. And then the doctor asks you, you stand at units of drink a week and you make up some fib. Five? They know you're rounding down. Rounding down to the nearest hundred. Yeah, Swedish. Yeah, Swedish rounding.

So it's schnapps. Yeah, it's just schnapps. How many drinks do you have? Oh, like none a week. Are we including schnapps? Yeah. Or like 40, 40 schnapps. But do you know what I mean? It's none a week Are we including schnapps? Or like 40 40 schnapps But do you know what I mean?

It's just a more digestible way to do it And then she said it's been so easy Right To do That she was like Because you're not going Okay you can't have a drink for three months You're just going like

No you can literally have a drink on Monday You just gotta wait this week out Or see it Say I start on Monday It's Wednesday already Nearly there Or you could do Friday to Friday or whatever. And then it accumulates to three months.

And now she said it's so easy, she's going to do six months. So just take two weeks. I could play devil's advocate. Yes. I'm not drinking right now. I would like to do this by the hour. You want to accumulate. So if I only do drinking from say, I'll have a drink about five

and I'll have my last one about eight or nine, maybe ten. So that's only a small part of the day. So I'm already sober the majority of the year. I know, but it's all about letting your body reset. Why aren't I allowed to break it down by hour? Now we're just bargaining on time units. You're still peppering alcohol sort of in a constant cycle. Yeah.

Yeah. I honestly think if you are someone like myself that is going, I need to cut back a little bit, this is an easy way to do it. Maybe next year when you don't have a stressful renovation. I feel like next year. Do you know what I mean, Jan? You've got to start Jan 1. Next year's going to get it, eh?

Not Jan 1, February. Next year's getting the gym. Next year is going to get it. Next year's getting some better eating. Yeah. Next year's getting a gym. Next year's getting the gym. Next year is going to get it. Next year's getting some better eating. Yeah. Next year's getting a sleep regime. Yeah. Next year's getting less drinking.

Lotto. You're winning Lotto next year. Dot on its plate. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to be profoundly hot and I need you both to prepare for that. Okay. I'm sorry.

I'm preparing. Heads up. I'm getting hot. Play ZM's Fletch Vodden Ailey. Play ZM. Eric. How would you, we briefly touched on it, how would you cook a pie from frozen?

Now it's been a long time since I cooked a pie from frozen. Yeah, after school, get a little pie. A family pack of pies. Yes. My pop used to have them in the oven. Anytime he'd visit, he'd be like, pop the pie, and he'd get the plate, and he'd just put the pie on the plate, have them in the oven. Anytime he'd visit, he'd be like, pop a pie, and he'd get the plate, and he'd just put the pie on the plate, put it in the oven.

Straight from the freezer? Straight in the oven. Straight in the oven. Got those things singed brown, and he'd pull them out. Because this has been the topic of debate online. Well, somebody on Reddit has said, the Reddit post said, I've been using my air fryer for warming up frozen pies. But one, it still takes ages and two,

it becomes quite dry by the time the inside's all cooked. Well, you said this was a game changer. If you'll let me finish. Oh, sorry. White man. Wow. White man. Talking over a woman. Talking over a woman. Are you a woman?

I'm also a person of colour. I can't say that. I'm also a person of colour, not a woman. Right. I just can't go back I can't say that. Cancel, cancel. I've got you. I'm done. See you later, guys. He wants Christmas early.

Catch you guys on the flip side. They say, the other day, I microwaved it for three and a half minutes to defrost it, then air fried it

for five minutes. To crisp it. To crisp it. Perfect. Okay. Perfect and faster than any other method. Has anybody got a one-up on this?

Because I think this is about when you go to a cafe and you get like a panene or something like that. Yeah. That I love it when they heat it, like microwave it to get the cheesy or melty and then press it. Yes. And then you get crispy. This is the same thing.

You get both. Microwave to heat the middle. Yeah. And then air fry to crisp. And don't put lettuce on something then ask me if I want it heated at a cafe.

Would you like that heated? I was like, no, it's got lettuce on it. Of course I don't want it heated. If it was spinach, if it was a spinach, yes, but lettuce does not heat well,

my friend. If you're running a cafe, I'll give you six months. So this was what people further added to it. Two minute microwave, four minute air fryer. So air fryer is the key to re-heading a frozen pie. It's defrosting it in the microwave.

And then it's the air fryer to... Crisp it. Yeah, right. Yeah. Somebody said, if I'm defrosting it in the microwave, I will never... People are getting technical. Thank you for sharing this information with me.

My microwave is a Panasonic NNST641W. Oh, that's a nice microwave. And I can't seem to find the temperature power level button because someone's like, never defrost it on full strength.

No, no, heck no. No, no, no, if you don't have a defrost function, you go at about 50,

power 50 or power 30. Yeah, yeah. Wrap in a paper towel, leaving the ends open three minutes on high, let rest for. Yeah. Even, yeah. Wrap in a paper towel, leaving the ends open, three minutes on high. Let rest for two minutes. Okay. And then air fryer?

Then no air fryer on that guy. Oh, okay. But you've got to have an air fryer. You've got to air fry. At some stage. Someone has proclaimed themselves the king of it. Two and a half minutes in the microwave, two minutes in a frying pan. Oh, my God.

I was literally about to say, could you pan fry a pie? You could. If it's cooked inside. Bit of oil to say, could you pan fry a pie? You could. If it's cooked inside. Bit of oil, eh, to get the crisp. Bit of oil. I'll do you better. Butter. Shut up, Vaughan Smith.

I'll do you better. Add more butter to the already very buttery pastry because that would crisp it. That's good stuff. What about butter in the pan? Let it brown slightly. And then you're going to put that on there so you get a nice toasty, almost burnt. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Add more butter to finish. And then you're going to put that on there so you get a nice toasty,

almost burned, add more butter to finish, and then you're going to baste it. What about a pie in a panini press? Because then you're doing the top and bottom. Yeah, it's going to squish the pie. It's going to squish the pie. No, you don't squish it down. It's just lightly hovering. What about a pie in a toasty press that does the sealy pocket?

The Jaffa. Because you squish it, the Jaffa, you're squishing it up, but then it's resealing it. Yeah, look, I would be mad at that. And you know what? Put some butter on it. Butter.

Butter it beforehand. I think just with all of our versions, it's butter is involved. Yeah, butter's heavily involved. Good from you. Good from us, actually. Great teamwork there. Well, it seems like a real science.

The Pie Jaffel. Yeah. Good luck with that. Good luck. Play. ZDM's Fletchvorn and Hayley. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah, blah.

This is the Top Six. Hello. Today's Top Six dealing with the speed zones. Now, there was a call for, and some people would have already noticed, that there are roads, speeds. Jeez, I just looked up and you were pointing an X shot at me. He's loaded up with sex. I've got sex. You'll get all sex. Okay, sorry.

That is a reminder. I'm unarmed. Please don't. So, National made an election promise during the campaign to reverse speed limit reductions on state highways and around neighbourhood streets, and apparently that's going to cost $30 million to put the speeds back up.

I don't know. How does it cost that much? Well, you've got to change all the signs. You've got to change the signs. It's expensive. Yeah. Yeah. You can turn a 30 into an 80.

Yeah, you literally can. 30 to 80 is big, though. Yeah, you can turn a 50 into a 150. Yep. Yep, easy. Okay. Or an 80 into a 500. Yeah. Yep, easy. Okay. Or into a 500. Yeah.

Shoot for the stars, baby. Can your car go 500 k's an hour? I would have popped down to the supermarket 500 k's an hour. Yeah.

Our coalition government wants to see a transport system that boosts productivity and economic growth and allows New Zealanders to get where they want to go faster and safer

says Simone Brown who is in charge of Waka Kotahi. Okay. I don't believe it's called that anymore. Always been Waka Kotahi in my heart. So I've got the top six types of new speed zones. Okay. Number six on the list, 150 kilometres an hour in a passing lane

past someone that was driving 85 kilometres on the open road but now going 120 because we're in a passing lane. Oh, my God, I hate those people. I hate those people. Every time. I know, I know. They're everywhere. Why are you making me drive this fast to get past you?

I know. Why are you putting me at risk, making me drive this fast? I feel like a real arsehole going this fast. But you're going to go back and go 70 kilometres an hour the minute we're out of this passing lane. You forced my hand. Number five on the list of the top six new speed zones that I propose.

Number five, push your car past schools. I've got kids that go to school. Some people drive too fast past the schools. Oh, wait. You should have to get out and push your car past the schools. Right, so it's okay for you to speed anywhere else. But when your kids are involved. Not past my perfect little children.

Right. Don They put most of the speed bumps there's lots of speed bumps outside schools right now but I think you should have to push your car Number four on the list

of the top six new speed zones Two kilometres an hour over speed bumps because they're now 40 centimetres high That'll slow them down Wow

That's big It's big It's real high Slow dunk. Yeah. Like, even a high four-wheel drive is going to struggle. Yeah, great. Yeah.

It's almost a wall. It's verging on a wall. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It is. Isn't it? It's a retaining wall. What you want to do there, Vaude, is build a wall in the middle of the road. Yeah.

Oh, it'll slow people down. And call it a speed bump. Yeah, okay. Yeah, someone will hit it real fast and just tear the front off their car. Yeah. That'll teach them. Number three on the list of the top six new speed zones on New Zealand roads. 130 kilometres an hour on a really straight, really flat, really long piece of country road.

It'll sneak up there anyway. It really does. It'll start sneaking up there anyway. It's easy to do. Number two on the list of the top six new speed zones. 100 kilometres an hour over those humps on the road that make you feel empty in your stomach. Love those. Everybody knows who their local one is.

Good ones out the back of Nelson. There's some great ones. We should make a list of the best. It seems dangerous. It does seem dangerous. I'm just saying, if you're going past the Walton Golf Club today, in the back blocks of the Waikato,

there's a... And then when you get to the top of the hill, just on the way down to Walton School, there's another hoo like that. I love that. They're so great. Those are my locals who always head on the way to my grandparents' house. Yeah.

Number one on the list of the top six new speed zones I propose, 50 kilometres an hour past my house. Just because it's a rural road, it's not your bloody racetrack. I love going fast by yours, though. Slow, you are such a classic boomer. Everywhere else is okay to go a little bit faster except when it's near your house. I drive a Suzuki Jimny

and a 1967 Land Rover. Speed is not something I have at my disposal. No, we know this. I'm a crawler baby. Yeah, in the fast lane on the motorway. We've spoken about this. He crawls in the fast lane. Yeah. Some guy was right up my arse. I was on the middle lane on the way in today. Right. And he's right up my arse and he flashed his lights. I'm like, you've got another lane. Some guy was right up my arse. I was on the middle lane on the way in today.

Right. And he's right up my arse and then he flashed his lights. I'm like, you've got another lane. Get around, go around. How slow are you going? I was going 90 kilometres an hour. That's not that slow.

I was on the middle lane at five in the morning. That's slow. That's how fast I go. We're all in a hustle and a bustle. Yeah, not me. That's today's top six.

Carol! Play ZM's Fletch, Vaughn and Hayley. A GQ. What is GQ? Gentleman Quarterly. Yeah. Is that what that stands for?

Yeah. I asked myself this and FHM stood for For Him Magazine. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. What does Women's Weekly stand for? It stands for... When only men and no soldiers. Crosswords.

When only men and no soldiers. Wine equally, evenly. Yeah. Killing. Yeah. Lovely youth. Oh, Jesus. That went dark.

That went dark. But that's interesting to know. This whole time, Women's Weekly seems to be behind it all. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Well, GQ magazine used one of their journalists, Sophia Benoit is her name. That's a great name.

Sophia Benoit. That's like an actress. She could be an actress. A French actress. Absolutely. Oh, my God. I thought of a name the other day. Was it with you?

And I said my name Hayley something We were like That's a fantastic stage name What like You think of changing your name God no If you ever go to Hollywood No but if I had a

When I go to Hollywood Until she becomes The property of a man Officially Then of course She'll change her name Because it's the right thing to do Yes of course

I'll change my name For he doth own me He doth At that point You sacrifice All ties to your family It was Hayley something Of course I'll change my name. For he doth own me. He doth. At that point. You sacrifice all ties to your family. It was Hayley something and it was bloody fabulous. Now it's gone.

Someone else will do it. Anyway, Sophia Benoit, in the name of research, swiped Tinder for days and days and days on end to come up with five tips to make your profile better. Oh my God, that would be punishing. Dude, having done it for like a tiny little bit on friends profiles, not when I'm out looking, it's punishing.

Okay, so here's Sophia Benoit's five tips for a better profile. Okay. So you can have a sexy summer. Oh, are you adding that in? You're adding that in. I'm adding that in. Yeah.

Okay, her first tip, if you can't be original, be yourself. She said, if you include things like my biggest hero, my mom, or we'll get along if my dogs like you, or looking for someone who doesn't take themselves too seriously, she's like, please stop. Right. That's on everybody's profile. So you want someone, you know, like what you're saying is just what everybody wants.

I want someone open-minded and fun. Yep. Oh my God, really? Because I want a really closed-minded piece of shit. You know what I mean? Like we're all looking for the same thing. Okay. So just be yourself.

Like put on the quirky things. What if you're boring? Interesting facts about yourself. Were you born on a leap day? Are you a twin? Were you a background actor in Pirates of the Caribbean? Are you allergic to mustard? Maybe you've never been on a trampoline.

Tell them. Hi, my name's Hayley. I'm allergic to mustard. Never bounced on a tramp. But I like to bounce on you. That's how I'd say that. Okay. Have you never bounced on a tramp?

Yeah, I've bounced on a tramp. Oh, that was just an example. No, just an example of how Hayley Benoit would do that. But that would be like, you say, that would be a good starting point. Because you'd be like, how have you never bounced on a tramp? What a quirky, interesting person. Now we're going to talk about. You get in the deep end, you take them straight to jump.

Oh, no, that wouldn't be a first aid place. And you double bounce them. That's a room of trampoline. Yeah, if they were to bounce on a tramp, that would have been double bounced. So you go just bouncing and then you go, ho-ho. And they wouldn't see it coming because they wouldn't know about double bouncing. You don't have the fear already in your heart. Okay, second tip, be fun or if you must, be funny.

Yeah. But don't be clever. Oh, yeah. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. She said, don't be clever. Pick up lines are not why people are getting swiped. A little challenge can be fun.

No one can chug a glass of water faster than me, for example, is hilarious. Your profile shouldn't read like you're trying to outsmart them. Right, okay. I guess I'm super intelligent and witty. So instead of trying to write something witty, reply to a stock prompt. Oh, instead of trying to write a witty reply to a stock prompt, just be open about who you are. Because she's really about being who you are.

Flaming dirt pile. I wouldn't be who you are because obviously it's not worked so far. Yeah, exactly. You're on Tinder. Okay, tip number three, don't be self-deprecating, sarcastic or cynical. Now, this is not a New Zealand woman.

Those are my three favourite things. I'm Hayley, an absolute piece of shit. And if you don't love me i don't blame you because i don't love myself something like that you know what i mean yeah see i would find that funny yeah but yeah americans are definitely different than us she says i'm a creep i'm a weirdo what the hell am i doing here i don't belong here uh is a good karaoke song but not great for a bio being sarcastic or cynical it just comes across as like oh yeah okay okay her fourth tip out of five is be chill about how horny you are being sarcastic or cynical, it just comes across as like, ooh. Yeah, okay.

Okay, her fourth tip out of five is be chill about how horny you are. Hey, nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. I am so horny. How are you? I'm good, thank you. How are you?

I'm horny. Erect. So horny. People are saying this on their profile. Yeah. She is like, any kind of mention of like Hey I'm Keith And man I love to go downtown For absolutely hours

Oh look at Jared's face He's not keen on Keith Yeah not keen on Keith There's no shame in being on the app To get laid Lots of people are there for the same thing Flirty, thirsty, thriving, we love it. But like, come on.

Don't have your position in your bio. Unless it's missionary, the superior position. The number one position. And this is the number one tip. There's a reason it's God's chosen position. I'll just say that. It was named after his people. So, okay, this last

one is a bit strange. If you've just joined us these are tips to get a better dating profile. A GQ journalist has spent hours trawling through dating apps. She sounds like she's been phoning it in for the last month before Christmas. Yeah. Well you work in the media, you know what it's like. I'm not phoning it in. I'm here

baby. Yeah. So she's saying I tricked him, I'm phoning it in. Jared, everything on my screen's gone blank. Can you fix it? He's phoning it in. Thanks. So she's saying I tricked him. I'm phoning him in. Jared everything on my screen's gone blank. Can you fix it? He's phoning it in. Thanks. Oh yeah. I'll shoot it with some foam darts and see if it fixes it. Okay well I'm trying to figure out this last one. It's not working Jared. She

says to put a question in your bio. I'm going to shoot the actual computer. That's not the computer that does that. Now we're off air. She said put a question in your thing rather than like a challenge put a question in your thing. Rather than like a challenge, put a question. Instead of, try asking a question. Like, without Googling, how tall do you think Danny DeVito is? Oh, he's short.

Or what's the worst Pixar movie? Now we're talking. This is the best one. Like, because they've got me. Yeah, because now you're like, it's definitely not up. Oh, up rules. Worst Pixar movie. Is. Who has Pixar movie? Is there a bad Pixar movie?

I don't love the Cars one. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Cars rules. If you don't like Cars, you've not watched it right. Okay, I haven't watched it right. It is a story about a cocky, arrogant, young race car.

We just swipe left or whatever. You don't have to swipe right on me. Get that out of my face. I need you to admit that Lightning McQueen is one of the greatest racers of all time. He's no Doc Hudson! He's no Doc Hudson, Hayley! Say it! Play

ZM's Fletch, Vaughan and Hayley. Play ZM. Yesterday, because I'm getting ready to host Christmas for my whānau, sorry, that's family. I know it's confusing when we used to deal. I'm so confused. Yeah, so whānau.

I'm confused. I'll say family so that my Pākehā friends can understand. What is a whack-a-cote? Now, I'm getting ready to host Christmas for my family, and so I need to empty my fridge. Yesterday I started. Why do you need to empty your fridge? Because I've got quite a small fridge.

Oh, it's a medically small one, isn't it? It's medically small. Yeah. I think they call it a micro. I think they call it a micro fridge. It's a micro fridge. But it's, no, it's just a standard fridge But I feel like I'm worthy

Given the size of your house I was expecting a bigger one I know but the kitchen area is small And so it just had to be that size You know what I mean And it doesn't store that much So I That's why I've got a garage fridge

Yep Moose to be nice So I've started Emptying out the main fridge And I had the idea of trying to cook meals This week to like get through the pantry And the fridge and the freezer

Rather than wasting it And yesterday I found some I think it's tortillas Yeah that's it Some wheat tortillas You can just call those flatbreads Mexican flatbreads Yeah because I think people will find the use of a foreign word very confusing.

If they can't kind of grasp the basic words of the language of the people of our nation, they're not going to be able to. So I found some Hispanic flatbreads in the country that our neighbours had left us from when they left the country. Right. Ooh, you've got secondhand tortillas. You've got secondhand tortillas. You've got secondhand tortillas. I don't know, dude.

Oh, yeah. I don't know. They had chickens. Why didn't they give it to the birds before they left? No, I'm talking like it's a bulk pack. Like the birds would be like. Is it too much? Is it too much?

Tia Pabla? It's not. No, it's not. Please, enough with the foreign language. Sorry. Yeah, I am confused. I can't comprehend a word. So these tortillas were in the pantry.

I found a tomato paste jar and there was a block of tasty cheese. Yeah. And I had a red onion and I had a handbag choc. I know. I can see where you're going here. You're going to make some...

Wrap pizzas. Yeah, wrap pizzas. Tortilla wrap pizzas. Yeah. I'm combining... Pizza, I don't know that. Tortilla wrap pizzas. Yeah. I'm combining... Pizza, I don't know that. It sounds like a foreign word. It's like a...

At least the word is a very specifically Anglo-Saxon word. I can't understand what you're saying. It's an Italian tomato-based cheese bread with stuff on top. Yeah, true. So I didn't have everything I needed, so that was using up a lot of my stuff

I just needed to go down to the local shop and get some mushrooms and then I cut up all the mushrooms and man they were dirty mushrooms you know they were just a white button tastes like nothing but good solid rubber and I liked that

and they were super filthy and I was just chopping them up and I just don't, I don't wash my mushrooms. You've got to wash your mushrooms. I don't, and they are the dirtiest, they are the dirtiest vegetable.

You get, yeah, they're growing and shit. They are fungi. Yeah. They're mold. Yeah. Give them a rinse.

Otherwise you get the sandy, the gritty bits and you're eating it and you're like. On a pizza that also has crunchy onions and stuff. I'll just thumb off any big bits of dirt. Or get a knife and just. I turn on the tap and I run the water and I go like this. Oh.

And roll it around in my hand. I don't want soggy mushrooms. Because I always remember growing up mum would always peel mushrooms. Yeah, my friend does it. She gets a paper towel and rubs them against the paper towel and it takes the top layer off. I'm always like, when she makes us creamy mushrooms, she does that. And then when I make them creamy mushrooms, I'm like, I don't wash your mushrooms when I'm cooking for you, Ty.

Guys, mushrooms, the origins of the word mushroom is French. So I'm just wondering if people need it. It's like a sort of forest-grown fungi. A Smurf house. A Smurf house. Smurfs were Belgian. Smurfs feel Nordic. Oh, yeah. Sm a sort of forest-grown fungi. A smurf house. A smurf house. Smurfs were Belgian. Smurfs feel Nordic. Oh, yeah.

Smurfs were Belgian. So that's not a word you'll understand, is it? No. Actually, basically everything we're saying is sort of of Latin origin. It's almost like our language is made up of words borrowed or used from other languages, and we should kind of be able to adapt a bit better. No, as a country, we're finished learning. Are we?

Yeah, we're done. I can't wait to drive 120 kilometres an hour. Me too. With a dory. So then I was talking about this with you guys and Fletcher's like, I don't wash my mushrooms and you wash your mushrooms. Are we washing mushrooms? I don't peel them.

People peel the skin off mushrooms. Who's got the time? Yeah. And then the skin off mushrooms. Who's got the time? Yeah. And then they get real smooth. Yeah. No, you're losing the good stuff. Just give it a rinse. Definitely give it a rinse.

Yeah, if they're really caked on dirty. But when I'm buying them at the supermarket, I try not to buy the dirty ones. I'll buy the cleanest packet. Oh. You don't like the dirty ones? Cleanest bunch. But I'll just thumb it off.

But if there's a little speck, I don't care. It's going in. Yes, don't eat it, I don't care. It's going in. Yes, I'd eat it. I don't care if it's literal shit. I'm eating it. Mineral-y, you know? Yeah, grit. It's good for you.

It's minerals. It's minerals. It's minerals. Yeah, man. Well, look. It's the hitting a bit of sand or a bit of grit or a bit of pumice. Again, minerals. It's minerals.

It's minerals, baby. Yeah, okay, minerals. They're good for you, baby. It's minerals. It's minerals, baby. Yeah, okay, minerals. They're good for you, baby. It's minerals or it's fertilizer or shit. It's one of them. It's probably human shit and I don't even care. Play. ZDM's Fletchvorn and Hayley.

Last Christmas I gave you my Chris But the very next Chris You Chris me a Chris This Chris To save me from Chris. I Chris you a Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris. It's Chris-mass, a mass of Chris's. We all have to get a Chris on the phone. When Hayley suggested it, I was like, yeah, I'll do it. Because immediately I was like, I'm just going to call my mum. Your mummy.

My mummy. This is cheating. My mum's on the phone. Good morning, mum. Good morning. Good morning, Christine. You're a Christine. Christine, first question.

If Vaughan was to, on Christmas Day, just sort of start calling you mummy, would you find it weird? Very weird, Hayley. Very weird. We're not that sort of family. But not in an ironic way. He'd just be like, hey, mummy, would you find it weird? Very weird, Hayley. Very weird. We're not that sort of family. But not in an ironic way. He'd just be like, hey, mummy, how are you? No, it's weird.

I feel like British people do that. I don't even want to deal with that. Right. I don't even want to deal with it. It was lovely to have you on the phone, Christine. Thank you. What's Christmas? I was thinking for Christmas, what do you reckon,

I know the answer, when we were kids, what do you reckon was the best Christmas? When you and Dad nailed Christmas, like gift-wise. I know when we un-nailed it, but... What was that? When did you un-nail it? Un-nailed it the year that Michelle got a horse and you got a go-kart. The go-kart broke down and the horse put a hole in her head, so... The horse read out and stomped my sister's head.

Oh, my gosh. That was the un-virtual word. No, that was the Christmas. I was going to say, that was one of the Christmases where I think you nailed it. Oh, what? Because you got a go-kart. I got a go-kart, but then my Uncle Paul broke it. On Christmas Day, we took it to my grandparents because they had this awesome track

and we were going to race around and Uncle Paul took it up the road and broke it. Did you invoice Uncle Paul for that, Christine? Never forgiven Uncle Paul. No, never forgiven. He's been on you invoice Uncle Paul for that, Christine? Never forgiven Uncle Paul. No, never forgiven. He's been on the outer ever since, eh, Mum? Well, he had to leave the country. Yeah. Oh, my God.

I also think there was one Christmas where we got remote-controlled cars. Those Neko remote-controlled cars are probably still in your cupboard. Well, the... Oh, God, I can't think what they're called. Those other things are still in the cupboard. You got them for Christmas, didn't you?

Walkie-talkies. What are the things? Robots. Robots. Robots. Oh, you were little kids when we got those robots. They're like retro cool robots now. So you put them away?

Well, Mum wouldn't let us play with them in case we broke them. What, and they're still in the cupboard? Wait, wait! Wait, you've still got them in the cupboard, Krista, and they're still not allowed them? Well, they can take them any time they like. Apparently my sister's kids got a rock up because they were playing too rough with them. Oh, right.

They are 40-year-old toys. You've got to be very careful with these retro toys. All right. Christine, what do you want for Christmas this year? I'll have everything, Hayley. I don't need anything. This is a nightmare. This is what Vaughan said, that you're particularly difficult to buy for because you're always like, I don't need anything. This is a nightmare. This is what Vaughan said, that you're particularly difficult to buy for

because you're always like, I don't need anything. What about a new jug? You still got that slow jug? I've heard about your jug. I've probably been through a couple of jugs since then, Fletch. I'm still waiting for my jug from you, actually. I thought that was my Christmas gift for Fletch. It was so slow, I said I'd even buy them a jug.

It's actually the power that's slow. It's not the jug. We live so far in the what-whats that the power doesn't work. Single-phase power or something. Oh, is that why you've got a slow jug? Oh, so everything's slow. Everything runs a little slow. Even the TV runs in half-time.

Yep. Yep. Internet's slow. The whole shebang. Kia ora. I'm Mike McRoberts. No, Mum and Dad are still up to Judy Bailey. Oh, wow.

That is slow. Because it's so slow. It's country living. Yeah. Hey, now every other Chris we've had on has had something to promote. Chris Parker promoted his Christmas show. Chris Warner promoted the Shortland Street final. I believe you have something to promote.

Yes, I have the sale of our herd to promote. What? If you pop along to mylivestock.co.nz, you'll see that our herd is on the market. Why are you selling your herd? Because we are too old and tired to carry on milking cows, Fletch. Oh, good. No, you're not.

You're a young spring chicken. You're going to retire. You're going to retire. You're going to retire. Well, we're going to keep the farm and run a bit of something, but not... Okay. We're going to grow weed. Oh, okay. The minute it's legal.

Yeah. Wank, wank. Wank, wank. I knew she loved the gunja. She's a huge fan of the gunja, my mum. I can hit your stone right now, Christine. I don't know if I've ever... You've never done drugs,

have you, mum? No. In no form? Not even a little, toke on a little joint. When you were in Amsterdam, you didn't eat a weed brownie or, listen,

no, no, no. Would you like to? Would you like to one day? No, no. Because my dad, my dad hasn't done drugs either, but I remember one year, me and my dad had a few drinks

and he said, maybe just before I go I'll try heroin. Jesus, that's deep end of the pool stuff. Yeah, I know. Jumping in the deep end. Okay. Now, I'm on... I think medicinal stuff is fine. I have no issue with that.

I haven't had any, but I would. Yeah. But how did you vote in that referendum a few years ago? Oh, no, I think it should be... Ah, right, Oh, no, I think it should be legalised, yeah. Especially medicinal. Especially medicinal. It should be available for people who need it. We'll be close.

What work on the phone? Oh, a bloody left. Voice piece for the left. Jesus. See where he gets it from. I'm looking. I'll tell you what. We might pop the link to the herd on our social media.

I'm on mylivestock.co.nz, but there's a few. If you want to search. Are you Outstanding Jersey Autumn Carving Cows? No, not that one. Outstanding Elite Closed Herd. How much are cows, by the way? $2,400 a cow. Yeah.

Outstanding Elite Closed Herd. Here you are, Waikato. Yeah, Waikato 95764. Yeah. Oh. Now, we've been breeding from this herd longer than we've had Vaughan. Wow. That's true.

I might have had it. Looking at Vaughan. Are they leathery as well? Are your cows a sort of cynical and leathery? No, they're soft and beautiful, Hayley. Well, you nailed that. There's one called Lily, and she's very friendly, and she needs to go to a nice home

because my daughters will be very upset if not. Are these cows for eating or just for having? They're for milking. No, no, no, no. No good for eating. Chewy as all hell. Are they green top, blue top, or the silver top? They're chocolate milk.

They're something special called stolle. Oh, okay. Is that oats or something? Their milk gets dried and shipped up to Asia and the Asians sell it. Yeah. Wow. The Asians.

All of them. I love it. All of them. All of them. And they get an injection right and it boosts some protein in the milk. Dad swears by it

because he gets a bit of arthritis and it's all good when he's on the Stole milk. Yeah, right. It's magic stuff. Good stuff. Mixed with a bit of medical marijuana, you've got yourself a bit of arthritis and it's all good when he's on the Stolo milk. Yeah, right. That's it. That's magic stuff. Good stuff. That mixed with a bit of medical marijuana, you got yourself a hell of a cookie.

Well, that's my Chris. Thanks very much, Mum. Yeah, thanks, Mummy. And I do like that I'm nearly Christina Aguilera. Nearly. Do you know what? You are far better. Just give us a little song.

Give us a little sing, Christine. She's not a singer. Daddy. My mum doesn't sing. Wanna get naughty. I could not compete with you, Hayley. Oh, here we go. I mean, let's do it.

Every time I talk to mum, I hear about how great Hayley is. That's enough. I wanna get a little bit naughty. Thank you, Christine. Thanks, Mary. Merry Christmas. Thank you, Christine. Thank you.

Play ZM's Fletch, Vaughan and Hayley. Well, if you've been listening since 6am, one, we thank you for sticking it out this long. And two... Like it's a punishment or something. Wow, that's an hour 45 of us. You know, that's a lot. You know I'm a bit much.

People need to tap in and tap out. Well, you'll know that I have sunblock in my eye to the point where I've been wearing sunglasses periodically but then I feel like I can't connect on a spiritual level with my brothers here so I have to take them off. You look like, yeah they're a bit red too aren't they? Yeah. So I put on sunblock every single day as Is it a moisturiser and sunblock?

SPF 50 but moisturiser So I did my serums and then I did my moisturiser But isn't it a waste of time doing that at 4am because sunscreen only lasts for like 4 or 5 and I did my moisturizer. But isn't it a waste of time doing that at 4 a.m.? Because sunscreen only lasts for like four or five hours. So by the time you leave the studio, you have to reapply it. Would you shut up?

Have you only just realized that you may have been doing this wrong? Shut up. No, I reapply. I reapply. Well, wouldn't you be better just to apply it from 9 o'clock? Wouldn't you be better to shut up? Like, do you not see? Am I not making a great point here, Vaughan? I'm not listening.

She was right before an hour 45 is a lot. It's a lot. He's tapped out as well. Anyway, I've had sunblock in my eye. Good luck to you, sir, and for the rest of the show. Thank you, sir. I've had sunblock in my eye and it's been so painful. And then I wanted to know what you've had in your eye.

When did you get it in the eye? I'm back. He's back. I'm back on the show. I got him. I'm constantly getting things in my eyes because I was talking about I needed to do a blinky water bath. Yep.

But then, you know. Have you gone to the bathroom and splashed your eye with water? I haven't been to the bathroom yet There must be an emergency First aid kit around here With an eye bath With an eye bath Yeah

Because you hear about people That like Have Factory jobs or Oh yeah And you get a Metal bits in their eye And you're just like

Oh I know Didn't you say that You've got a sand fly in your eye And it still haunts you to this day Yeah because I was a Small kid And a sandfly went in my eye and I cried a lot. Bobby!

Because it cried out? Yeah. Sandflies are sons of guns when you're on your bike or something as a kid and you're going as quick as you can and then it just goes straight in the eye and then you blink and it goes, I'm going behind. And it's in the corner? Yeah.

When I was 13, I remember sleeping over at a friend's house and I woke up in the morning and I looked and I had this tiny what looked like a splinter, like a little fleck of wood grain on my eye and I went to grab it and instead of getting it, I pinched the actual layer over the thing and I remember it going like the little layer of skin coming like pulling with it.

Okay, let's not. I panicked. I was like, and I just started bawling my eyes out. The eye stuff freaks me out. Right. Like in horror movies, I can't watch scenes of like a needle's going towards an eye.

Oh yeah, no. They're the worst. Oh my God. I can watch gore. Okay, so my question that I would like to take some text messages and calls for is what have you had in your eye before? Now, I'm not...

Get out of here. By the way, it took three texts. Three, seven, five. Oh, yeah. It took three texts until the person texted in what you said. You wonder how long it was going to take someone to say that one. But there's someone who texted in... Get your mind out of the gutter.

Someone who texted in saying they get cold sores on their eye. What? Not on their lip. On your eye? I clearly know people that get it up their nose and stuff. What? Not on their lip. On your eye? I know people that get it up their nose and stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. On the eyelid, surely not the eyeball itself. Eyeball, they said.

What about when you get like deep heat or something? Those, that would be the worst. Okay, well, this is what we want to ask this morning. Oh my God, yes, when you... 0800-DARLS-IT-M is the number you can text through. A 9696. Hello, what did you get in your eye? Well, you're suffering with moisturiser

and sunscreen in your eyes. Yep. It's been leaking literally for four hours. That is nothing compared to the messages and calls that we are getting. Oh, please believe me when I say I'm regretting asking. Some of these stories are so grim. Yeah, what did you get in your

eye is what we're asking. Angela. Yeah, hi, what did you get in your eye is what we're asking. Angela. Yeah, hi. What did you get in the eye? So when I was about 18, I was clubbing in town and used to be able to smoke in them. And I was walking out and I got like a tail and a cigarette stuck in my eye. What do you mean stuck in your eye?

It sort of glued itself to it, and I had to go to the bathroom and peel it off. Ew! Wait, was somebody like, because that was always a thing, people were smoking inside and they'd be dancing with their hands out and the ciggy in their hands, and then someone just effectively stubbed a cigarette under your eyeball. Yeah, yeah.

And then I ended up going to the ER and I was so drunk, though. Was there any permanent damage or were you fine? No, no. Oh, my God, that's so lucky. That is grim, man. That is wild. That is so grim. Angela, thank you.

Mila, your mum, what did she get in the eye? Mila? Mila. We lost Mila? Mila? We lost Mila. Doing a client's pedicure, their toenail flung into my eye. Had to act chill and pretend nothing happened. And then once I'd left, go and get it out. They just left a toenail.

So, any plans for Christmas? Oh, my God. Are you okay? I'm absolutely fine. My eyes just don't do this. You've got a bit of dust. Keep your texts coming in, 9696 0800 DARS. And what did you get in the eye?

I've had sunblock in my eye for many, many hours, and it's not really coming out. We want to know what you've got in the eye. What's in your eye? What's been in your eye? And all of these are way worse than just a bit of sunblock. Oh, I know. Some of these are horrific.

Well, just a bit of sunblock. I've been suffering greatly, but thank you. Sure. Katie, what did you get in the eyes? Hey, guys. When I was about five,

I was having trouble getting to sleep and my sister, who was five years older than me, so 10, she suggested I rub this stuff in my eyes that would help me get to sleep and my sister who was five years older than me, so ten, she suggested I rub this stuff in my eyes that would help me get to sleep. Yeah. And so I did and

turns out it was Tiger Balm. Oh my God! What a monster! Your sister is a bitch. Your sister is a straight up bitch. So your sister knew or? Yeah, she stitched me up. Wow, wow. And you were five. Wow.

Oh man, because I do it every now and then if you've got like anti-flam or tiger balm or whatever. Yes. Like deep heat. Yep. And you massage it into a bit and then you wash your hands. You've got to wash them thoroughly.

Yeah. And then you touch your eyes, it's all over. I feel for guys, it doesn't matter. Like, you can try as hard as you can not to touch your junk. But if you deep heat anything, it always gets on there. It's on the willy. Because you have an itch and you're like,

oh damn, that's right. Yep. And then now your jennies are on fire. You just live a little, you know. Katie, thank you. Taryn, this is your daughter.

What did she get in the eyes? Yeah, how are you guys? Good, thank you. Really good, thank you. When she was about, I think she was nearly four, she was helping us cook, and she went to grab the little packets out of the cupboard,

and she grabbed the chilli flakes that didn't grab it properly, and they just went all through her eyes. Wait, they just, like, poured into her open eyeball? Yes, yeah, so we had to kind of get all the little bits of chilli. Oh, my God. Oh, wow. Yeah, the flakes are good, yeah. Play Zed-X Fletch for the daily. Oh my god Yeah the flakes I've been waiting in the Costco line Since it's opening

And I finally got in You finally went yesterday I live like 10 minutes away from Costco What time did you go? Morning Late morning Right Because it only opens at 10 Minutes away from Costco. What time did you go? Morning. Late morning. Right. Because it only opens at 10.

10.30, I think I was there. Right. Wasn't that busy. It was quite good. Good Lord. So I went in. What was I looking for? A ham.

Oh, yeah. Like a Christmas ham. Because you know I've been panicking about the ham. How big am I going with the ham? Did you use the ham calculator? I used the ham calculator. Okay. Yeah. So I used the ham calculator. Okay.

Yeah. So I used that and it told me. It's actually called a ham oinkulator. It sucks. If we could, please stick to the proper. That is not as good as my Selenium Gomez joke earlier. Selenium Gomez. I love you. Set the bar very high for Selenium Gomez.

It's a joke of the day. And I honestly, I'm not even going to try to beat it. Thank you. I'm going dry. Thank you. From here to finish. So I went to Costco finally because I was like, they'll have hams.

Are we about to get a review of Costco over a year after it opens? Yeah, you are. Man, you get your finger on the pulse. No, it's more than a year because my membership lags and I didn't get a new one. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I just have been scared to go because it was too busy

and then just unsure. And I was like, you know what? This is my time. And people were saying early morning during the week it's fine and that's – so I was like, here we go. You know people travel from like all over the country to go to Costco because it's the only one here. Yeah.

I'll say it's not that much cheaper. Do you know, I feel the same. The ham was cheap. Right. I only find it's handy because you can get one big version of something versus many smaller versions. And there's Tide Pods. Well, this was the thing because when I was there, I was like,

I'm in here. I might as well grab a couple of things and I'll be like, I need some spray and wipe. I'd go to grab the bottle. There'd be eight of them attached. I was like, I don't need that. I'm not a bulk buyer. I don't want a cluttered house like that you know so anyway i went in and my first review is there's no signs you know when you go

to the supermarket and it had the little thing that says down this aisle of these things yeah man it's a land of chaos it was rogue There's no rhyme or reason to why anything's anywhere. Not anywhere. The meat and the chilled food parts all in one area, but right next to it there's a lawnmower. Yeah, and a Dyson Airwrap. And then there's a trail bike and then a kid's tree hut. And some coffins.

Coffins are out the front by the tyres. I didn't see those. Yeah, but there was tyres and stuff and the cafe was pumping and apparently I should have got a sausage. I didn't get a. Yeah, but there was tires and stuff and the cafe was pumping and apparently I should have got a sausage. I didn't get a sausage. It's a wild experience. I ended up, because I was like, I don't want to carry this ham. I ended up having to carry the ham, by the way,

because they don't give you bags. So I had like a two-handed ham in my arms going for a walk back to my car afterwards. Yeah. Anyway, I was like, I'll get a trolley. Jesus. Or a small SUV. Yeah.

They're gigantic, yeah. It was rogue. And then I was trying to, and then I was, I'm in the market for a steam mop. Yeah. And I was like, I'm sure they'll have one. But it was so big. You'd turn a corner and be like,

this will be the end of the warehouse. Yeah. And there'd just be a whole other size warehouse. Yeah. Of more aisles. So I gave up on the steam mop. I've made it to the meats. It's overwhelming.

I just need like two kgs of mince, not like 50 ton. I don't have the freezer space for it. Stumbled across the hams and they're two sizes, like a half and a whole basically. And according to my calculations, the half would have been enough for me. The oinkulator.

Using the oinkulator. See, he said it wasn't good, but he's used it. No, I can't. It's still not joke of the day, but it's usable. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I went there and I was like, that'll be enough. And then I looked down and the other ones were so cheap. It was a hundred bucks for like 10 kgs.

So I got a 10 kg ham. Jesus. It's so big. So that's $10 a kg for a ham. Yeah. I had to remove a shelf in my fridge. I had to take alcohol out of the garage fridge. Oh no. So we had one drink and a huge ham for like 20 weeks

afterwards. And then I went looking for Tide Pods. Couldn't find them. Well they're in the Tide Pods section. I know but I couldn't. That changes. No that changes. It's not around the corner but it's always in a different part of the shelf. And then I came out one end looking the Tide Pods section. I know, but I couldn't. That changes. No, that changes. It's not around the corner, but it's always in a different part of the show. And then I came out one end looking for Tide Pods

and there was freezers full of like dumplings and frozen goods. And I was like, now I'm panicking and I have to get some of those. It's overwhelming. It's overwhelming. I was so overwhelmed. I found everything I didn't want

and nothing I wanted. Yeah. And then I ended up, I was like, I could just stay in here for hours. I ended up panicking so much and just buying the ham and a bag of bananas. That was it. And then just had to leave and walk this ham away. I'm in and out of that place.

Like, I don't get a trolley because that's how they get you. I will say, if you're catering, if you've got a big family and you're doing that, like, you know, croissants. I'm catering for six. I don't need a tray of 40 croissants but if you had a big family it would be good maybe not cheaper but just that you can buy

so many of them. Anyway that's my hot review only 14 months after it opened. Overwhelming. Wow. Three and a half stars. Overwhelming. Ham is cheap. I can't wait for your Review of Barbie next year I'm yet to see it

Nah Anyway Look I'm sure it has It's place But I don't know If I'll be back This is a massive day For producer Shannon

At the social media desk Something I know She's been nervous to do for a long time. Something we've roasted her on multiple times. And at the age of? 24. She has today become a woman. What have you got in your hot little hand, Shannon?

My full license. Wow. So out of all that, how long have you been working in Breakfast Radio, how long have you been working in breakfast radio and how long have you been driving into work pre the... 5am. Yeah. Four years now.

Yeah. What a lawbreaker. She's a lawbreaker. She is. She's a bad girl. So pull me over at your leisure, cops. I am illegal. Bring it, she says.

Flirty, didn't it? Pull me over at your leisure. So how did it go? Was your test yesterday? Yeah. I didn't tell you guys I was doing it because I knew you'd psych me out. And also, there is $100 on the line because Fletch did say he would pay me back once I passed.

When? I do not remember this. Ring the bell of truth. That happened. The bell of truth. It will take but a moment to get the audio. I don't know if this is a thing. When did I say this?

You definitely did. A couple of weeks ago and upon multiple occasions. That's vaguely ringing a bell. Within an hour of you saying I booked the test for as soon as I could, which was yesterday. Is it because you didn't want to do it because it cost you money? I mean, I'll say it was that. I mean, realistically, I was just nervous.

But you gave me the motivation. Oh, my God. He motivated. But see, I don't need to pay you because that was the motivation you needed. Oh, no, please. I really would love the $100. Yeah. $100 right before Christmas.

That's why I did it right before Christmas. You've got a lot. You've got a lot on your plate this Christmas. Well, just because I don't have kids, it doesn't mean. I'm good. I actually got Shannon sent me a bank account because I actually owe her a bit of money as well.

So I'll just forward it to you. Thank you, Hayley. But no, yeah, Legally, am I in any... Shannon, you're writing this down. Shall I just give out your bank account number?

We could take anonymous donations. Yes. So how did it go? You obviously passed. Yeah, so I passed. It was an interesting experience. I showed up... Did you see that deflect? Did you see how he just got himself out of there? Anyway, moving passed. It was an interesting experience. Did you see that deflection? Did you see how

he just got himself out of there? Anyway, moving on. It was good, eh? We haven't forgotten. How did it go? I showed up half an hour early, which is what they said to do, and I walk in and there was about 10 people in line at VTNZ, and this guy comes up to me and he's like, hey, are you here to sit your test? And I said, yeah, I am actually. And he goes,

I'll hand me your licence, and I said, okay. And then he goes, alright, where's your car? I I said, okay. And then he goes, all right, where's your car? I was like, oh, outside. Expecting him to like get me then to check in. You're meant to get your eyes tested and like verify your ID and all that. And then he just gets in my car and I was like, oh, am I being reverse kidnapped?

Like I just didn't really know. Yeah, this feels off. We're just going, are we? Again, like half an hour before I was meant to do it. And I get in and the whole point of your full licence test is to point out hazards. It's more about talking than driving. Right.

I get in and I said, so I'm going to point out the hazards. And he goes, oh, don't worry, there's hazards everywhere in life. I mean, he's not wrong. Then I failed my driver's licence the first time for not pointing out the hazards vocally enough. Well, so then I was nervous he was testing me. Right. So then I start to point out hazards and he goes,

oh, don't worry, we don't need to talk. Have they changed it? No, no, no. It's like Vaughan's taking the test. Yeah. Shut up and just drive. Just drive. I checked online and you're very much meant to point out hazards.

Yeah, right. I wouldn't be saying this on the radio because it sounds like this guy's going to lose his ability to give licences and they'll revoke the last six months. Oh, look, no names, no places. No, no, no, I won't say saying this on the radio because it sounds like this guy could lose his ability to give licenses and they'll revoke the last six months. No names, no places. No, no, no, I won't say where. But so I'm driving and he just goes, go straight until I tell you to turn.

And I was like, okay. Very nervous. Imagine if he just was like, turn now! Well, very quickly into the test, we're like maybe three minutes in, I get stuck behind a learner driver. And I can see him. Embarrassing, loser plates. I can see in their passenger seat someone in a high-vis. Now I have someone with a high-vis in my passenger

seat, I'm behind someone doing their test. And so I just start following them and I got to follow the same course. So he didn't have to direct me, I just spent 10 minutes tailgating someone. Tailgating, and then what, now you can drive on the roads for the rest of your life. Yeah. Feels a bit off, doesn't it? Yeah. So after literally 10 minutes in the car, we get back.

And I said, did I pass? Because we didn't speak basically the entire time. Well, I thought this was supposed to be like an hour and a bit. No. Well, so 10 minutes in, he's like, oh, just go back now. And I was like, oh, OK. And then I said, did I pass? And he's like, oh, just go back now. And I was like, oh, okay. And then I said, did I pass? And he's like, yeah, you're all good.

Just go fill out the forms and just tell them you've already passed your test when you get to the front. Right. This seems loose. Yeah, I was real nervous. And then he said I had a pretty dress and it looked nice on me. Can you go anywhere without old men being inappropriate to you? It wasn't inappropriate.

It was a nice dress. He didn't say anything. It was a nice dress. You looked stunning. Okay. Well, congratulations. Thank you. However, she got it.

She got it. I got it. I got my little paper. And the girl who did my, like, forms, she was cute. She had nice nails. We created a deep bond because I complimented her nails. She complimented my dress. You know how girls are. And then she said hey she was probably you left and she probably

was like oh my god that bitch yeah no women aren't like that anymore we love it oh have you yeah but she said to me she's like listen we'll only take one photo i can't show you but i'll tell you if it's cute and then i do my little and then she's like it's so pretty you'll be so happy with that for 10 years and I was like thanks babe did you see it no oh no

because mine I went and got my licence and he gave me a one shot wonder and it's bad but she was an ally they should let you look at it they should let you look at it

no like I saw someone else get theirs done it goes away straight away like it just goes into the system so

what if you're blinking I don't know. They won't let that one go through. Surely. But she was so nice and yeah, she said I should be happy with it. Oh, congratulations. This is to stop people being like, can I take another one? You look so pretty. I know you're going to get it printed.

It's going to arrive. You're not going to go and get it redone. Yeah. Because let's be honest, most people are mingers and like, it's just no matter how many times you do a photo, it's not going to change them, is it? It's crazy there's six of us on this team and not a single minger. It's crazy. Well, congratulations.

Yeah, congrats, Shannon. Proud of you. Are you ready to have us all pile into your car? Oh, my goodness, no. I messaged Carlyn last night saying, you're still the driver of our friendship, but I can now do it. She can do it at a pin. Play ZM's Fletch, Vaughn and Hayley.

Fact of the day, day, day, day, day. Today's fact of the day. You probably actually just need to check if there's been an update on Ancestry.com actually guys Because we're going to Norway And I know that's a big We compete regularly for our Nordic roots For our Norwegian roots Downgrades to my Nordic roots

In the last year I know It's horrible I'm sweet in Denmark So I I'm next door to Norway. Yeah, okay. And I'm rocking at 11%. That might have popped up. I'm as much Irish as I am Swedish now. Who to talk it? Okay, I'm 2% Norwegian and I'm 3% Swedish Denmark.

Well, then this Christmas you're going to need to hide your brooms. Oh, no. I don't actually own a broom. I don't own a broom. You don't own a broom? Or a mop? I own a mop. Is it an electric mop?

What kind of mop is that? It's just you hold it with your hands and push it back and forth. Is it the sponge one? Yeah, it's the sponge one. Push it and you fold it in half. And then no matter how many times you squeeze the sponge, it's still water comes out. That's sponges, baby.

They're super absorbent, man. They're absorbent, man. Well, Christmas Eve is massive in Norway. Hlaften. What? He's just having a shot at that. Hlaften. Sure.

J-U-L-A-F-T-E-N. Hlaften. sorry to the national government I'm speaking the language they probably don't understand or be able to comprehend so it's a massive night it's got sort of the bigger event than Christmas itself you have a main Christmas feast that evening you open presents that evening

you sing Christmas carols and it is very important you hide your brooms. As this is the night the Norwegian folklore says witches and mischievous spirits will come down to your house

but they need to make a speedy getaway. So they can't because you hide the broom. You're hiding the broom. Oh, fantastic. Could you still leave the broom out in the kitchen

but tie it with string or rope? Oh, so the witch is like flying away and then it jams and she goes and falls down. Well she'll be able to fly though. She's a real witch. And if she's not, well

she's dead anyway. That was the same process for the witch trials. If she drowns then she's not a witch but if she survives she's a witch and we'll kill her another way. And they're all drowned. She's not a witch. It was a weird time. It was a weird time.

Apparently Norway had quite intense witch trials too. Did they? You didn't hear about them as much as the Salem witch trials. Yeah, right. So today's fact of the day for Christmas week is on Christmas Eve, Norwegians eat lots, sing carols, and hide their brooms from the witches. Fact of the day, day, day, day, day. What school did you go to? Play ZM's Fletchford and Hayley

Play ZM What school did you go to? St Andrews We were there the year they did the iconic cover of Stairway to Heaven And went viral online That's a conversation that will happen at some stage in the future It was pretty good If you're from Christchurch of course you have to

Your opening question is Yeah they love that question What school did you go to? Yeah Lap it up so Grace back to the school choir did the rendition

of Stairway to Heaven yep and the Led Zeppelin song and it went went well online congratulations lovely yeah the big news

last week yeah I will tip my hat to you and then put you on the shelf and now I want to talk about when the school play

went badly you don't want to I don't want to talk about when the school play went badly. You don't want to celebrate successes. I don't want to hear about when it went so well it sold out. You had a sold out season of Aladdin Junior or whatever you do. There's the famous one. The Sweeney Todd incident. Oh, no. That was horrible.

Where the knife wasn't a prop. It was real. And they got the slit. That was intense. Yeah, that was horrible. Okay. So we've covered that one. As bad as it's going to get, I would imagine. I want to hear of fainting. I want to hear about

something not working. I want to hear about forgetting lines. Maybe someone had a nervous chunny on stage. Forgetting your lines and you freeze. Oh, don't. That's so triggering. I remember that feeling

when you're on stage and you look at the fellow actor and they're looking at you and you're like, they're looking at me because it's my line. And then you're looking at them like, tell me what it is.

Yeah. It's an awful feeling. When you have an acting degree, what did you do in school production? School, we did lots of Shakespeare. Remember I was Richard III who famously. You won an award for that. I did and he famously is like

a deformed creature. And mine had just a softly sore knee because I didn't want to commit to the physical performance. But nothing went wrong. I forgot my lines in one bit but it actually really sort of was a pregnant pause and I think the audience was like, oh, wow.

She lived in it. Yeah, she lived in the pregnant pause. In it. Okay. No, nothing terrible has gone wrong in a production. I had a friend who laughed so hard during a production, she pissed herself and then slipped in it. And I will never forget.

Why was she laughing so hard? With something that happened backstage. She will never forgive me for telling this story. And a little bit of wheeze leaked down her big skirt, and she did that. I had another friend who thought it was safe to do a fart, and she was wearing one of those big period piece skirts, you know, the big floofy skirts.

Yeah. And as she lifted it to go up the stairs to go on stage, it, like, filled the stage. Okay, well, okay, that's a great start. Let's keep them coming. We want to know what went wrong at the school play or performance or show. Yep. If your performance didn't go the way you wanted.

Performance? Is it not pre? No, it's pre-the-formance. Because the-formance is the bit. It's pre-the-formance. It's pre-that. Jen, what went wrong at the school production? Oh, g'day.

How are you? Good. So I'm a teacher, so I've got lots of stories of this because I'm a theatre teacher. Oh, amazing. But this particular one was a while ago. I was doing a show with sort of eight and nine-year-olds. Yeah.

And they had people on stage performing and they had sort of an offstage choir that was to the side, but could still be seen. They were all this and everything. Yeah. And you know how you do as a director, you're like, no, no matter what happens,

you keep going with the show. Don't stop, don't crumble. Exactly. Don't stop, don't do anything. Just keep going. And so in the middle of a performance, one of the girls in the middle of the choir group threw up and everybody just kept going. And so in the middle of the performance, one of the girls in the middle of the choir group threw up and

everybody just kept going. Nobody helped her. And they all just stepped aside. So in the choir there's this big gap because she had thrown up on the floor and they all just stepped aside from her. They carried on singing like real troopers. And in the end, one of the teacher

aides had to crawl on underneath the choir and drag this girl out because she was really sick. No, but they kept on going. I love that. Dedication. It was dedication.

It wasn't quite what I meant when I said, keep going no matter what. It was more like, you know, your prop doesn't work or whatever. Yeah.

So she wasn't sick, like nervous sick, like she was proper. No, no, no, no a few. So she wasn't sick, like nervous sick, like she was proper? No, no, no, no, no. She had an illness. She was away and she was really crook. Did she keep singing

after she'd channeed? No, she'd actually gone down to the ground because she was feeling very sick and I found out later she had been feeling sick but because she was so,

you know, we'd worked so hard and we'd been so hard with you yeah she didn't want to let the team down that's jen thank you so much uh joe uh what happened when did when did it all go bad at the end of your production um so i was like the lead role in um uh production called joseph and the meetingolor Dreamcoat. Oh, you were Joseph? I was Joseph, and I had a full-on erection on stage. Oh, no.

Oh, no. Joe, Joseph got a stiffy. Joseph and the Amazing Big Stiffy. He's like, may I return? Oh, my God. No, no, no, no. Joe, how did this happen? Joe.

What were you thinking of? So in the story, there's Joseph, and then he meets this dude named Potiphar, and he has a wife. I was Potiphar's wife? I played Potiphar's wife. Okay, so did you have to do the full-on seduction scene? I was eight years old, please.

I was eight years old. How old were you when this happened, Joe? I was 13. Oh, no, no. Prime boner time. Absolutely. No control on the boner time. So Potiphar's wife did it for you.

So Potiphar's wife was a girl you went to school with? Yeah, yeah. So it was quite awkward. I'd never known anybody in my band. Neither did she. So in rehearsals, she wasn't quite sure, like, what the director wanted her to do, and I wasn't even sure what I was supposed to do.

So it got awkward to a point where the director actually had to show her how to do it. So all my friends started, like, saying, oh, look at him go. What a start. He's getting with the feature. Oh, my God.

I'm going to die. And then something in my brain just kind of, like, made me really self-conscious about it, and it made it worse because every time we did the scene, I could, like, tell something was going to happen. Oh, he's tingling. You are taking us all back to our teen years. Like, you're just like, the more you think about it,

the worse it gets. A true testament to the previous caller. Like, when something goes wrong, the more you think about it the worse it gets. A true testament to the previous caller. When something goes wrong the show has to go on. So in the actual performance it happens and then I had to just kind of stand there awkwardly try and hide it.

I don't know if anyone saw it but I know my... Does Joseph have a belt he could tuck it under? Was Joseph wearing track pants with a lace jacket on? Was Joseph wearing a bout he could tuck it under? Was Joseph wearing track pants for the last decade or what? Was Joseph wearing a bout he could tuck it under? What was I wearing? God, you don't want a little head popping out of a Technicolor tree. Technically, my character's a slave at this point,

so I'm wearing rags. Oh, my God. Loose rags brushing against... Oh, my God. I love this so much. This is such a great story. Can we give Joe and his Willie Caller of the Week, I think. Absolutely, Joe.

Congratulations. Our Caller of the Week. We've got a $50 McCafe voucher for you. Thanks to our mates at McCafe. Well done. Do please pass on our regards to your penis, Joe, as well. Please say hello for us. Oh my God.

I love that so much. I love that so much, Joe. Mortifying. Great story. I mean, it's going to be hard to beat Joe's story from just before. Oh, it's little Joseph Wiener. Oh, good stuff. Man, I'm laughing.

Here's some text messages. And we want to know when it all went poorly on stage, when it all went terrible. At the school production. High school, we had a production of Midsummer Night's Dreams. No, I've not said that right. I mean, we get it. One of the lead girls turned up so boozed

she couldn't go on stage. Wow. And started vomiting. Then when the teacher told one of the other girls she was going to have to improvise, she peed her pants. Oh, my God. That went from bad to worse quickly, didn't it?

Really. Someone's chunning, someone's weed their pants. I mean, that's how adults cope with life. Yeah. Alcohol. Yes. It's not something you'd expect from high school. Yeah.

Well, you know, definitely. Sometimes. A couple of drinks to calm the nerves. Yeah, that's right. Mid-summer night's dream. A girl vomited during our school play. She vomited all over some other children. It was videoed. I love this. I did a wee on stage and pretended it wasn't me, but it was

very obvious that it was me. It's just like weeing and pissing themselves and throwing up everywhere. Bodies, eh? We just can't, they've just got a mind of their own. Somebody said, during our school play, someone got too close to the front and fell off the front of the stage into the band pit. It was just like a comically loud sound of someone falling into a drum kit. Yeah, they hit the drums.

Yeah. I was a part of the dancers for my high school production and my boyfriend at the time Went to a different school And came to see the production Before I started He came backstage To wish me luck And bumped into the main leads

Who were a year above me at school Turns out he was seeing One of them as well Oh no And did they find out Before they went on stage? Just before they went on stage Oh my god

You've got to channel that feeling That you're feeling. Yeah. I need you to put on a performance. I need you to dance the rage out of your body. I was on set with Mark Hadlow. Oh, he's a legend. He's a legend of New Zealand theatre.

I've only met him once. I was in my undies and I told him to F off. Is that a story for another time? Story for another day. I was an amateur actor in a professional show, Shakespeare, playing at one stage. My sword got thrown side stage. When brought back to me, it was bent at right angles

as it wasn't a real stage. As it wasn't a real sword. Yeah. Hadlow took one look at it as I was wondering what to do, went backstage and ducked behind the bar that was part of the set, and that broke as well. I was standing on stage alone listening to Mark Hadlow's terrifying laughter as I had a bent sword

and the broken stage. That's got to be it. And they said that was the first and last time I was part of a show. Oh, great. My mum was the director of music at a fancy private school in the UK. Must be nice, must be nice.

At the Christmas Carol concert, the pianist became ill. Mum couldn't play as she was conducting, so asked a member of the audience to play the piano. None of us realised until the end that the piano player was... Ringo Starr from the Beatles. What? His godson went to the school. That's not something going wrong.

That's going... That's amazing. Allo, I'll jump on the piano. That was a terrible Ringo for me, actually. Almost as bad as my Arnie. I've been working on Arnie, though. Have you? Okay, go.

For the last part of today, give us a little bit. If it's terrible, I'm shooting you with the X-shot. Let me know. Not in my face. No. You can cover your face if it's terrible. Okay. But you are going to be shocked.

Okay. I need more bullets. I've only got a single shot. I'm going to unload on her six times. Okay, here we go. Okay, this is the updated Hayley doing Arnold Schwarzenegger. You want me to run California? Oh, my God.

I shot her in the mouth. I shot her in the mouth. She's a band from the studio. You deserve that because that was terrible. That was worse. Stay back. Well, congratulations to you,

podcast listeners. You've reached the end. So I would assume if you've listened all this way through, you're either asleep, in which case, wake up!

Or you enjoyed it. So drop us a review and tell your friends. That's how podcasts work.