ZM's Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley - Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley's Big Pod - 13th September 2024

Episode Date: September 12, 2024

Swiss Drivers Expensive fine SLP - for makeup wearers, do you still wear winged eyelinger? Why we fart on planes Top 6: Gift Card rules What people would pack in a grab bag Final rankings: Cat Colours Fire truck cut off voting day Whats your jobby? What always has to be JUST right? David Williams Fact of the day: Haast Eagle Vaughan's fat dog Fletch Costume UpdateSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

The ZM Podcast Network. The Flesh, Vaughan and Hayley Big Pod. Great Things at Brewing at McCafe. The perfect start to every day. Platt Way, ZM's Flesh, Vaughan and Hayley. Thank you, Bryn. Good morning. Welcome to the show, Flesh, Vaughan and Hayley. Happy Friday.

God, it took a while to get here, I'll say. It really did. It was a long wait. here, I'll say. It really did. It was a long week. Well, big show today. Big concert announcement. We've got a big fatty on our hands. We've got a big fatty on our hands. Big concert announcement at 8 o'clock this morning.

Plus, we've got a special guest joining us. Someone you met last weekend. Yeah, this is my close personal friend. Just your close personal friend. You know I've got a few famous friends. Someone that we all grew up watching on our Little Britain TV screens. Hell yeah. This is exciting.

David Walliams joins us via Zoom. Yeah, he is touring the Southern Hemisphere. He's in Australia at the moment. Yep. Bouncing around and then he's going to come over to Auckland very soon with a kids show and an adults show because he writes amazing kids books.

Do your kids read some of these? Yeah. That's what my mum regularly gets the girls David Williams books. He's like the modern Raoul Dahl. That's okay. Wow, that's big praise. Huge praise but fitting I believe. Really descriptive, really wacky, weird,

gross. He does a kids show earlier in the day at like 3 o'clock and then rolls into an adult. Does some of the Little Britain characters. So excited to chat to him. He's on the show after 8 o'clock this morning. Plus the last chances to go in

the draw to see Sabrina Carpenter live in LA. There'll be a mother trucker activated before 7. The draw is later today. The callback. Our final trip. So this will be the fifth. Did you say? Our fifth and final. Sabrina macking out with an alien at

the VMAs yesterday. Go her. Gosh, she's small. She is tiny. She's a little pocket rocket. She's so tiny. How tall is she? Five foot. At the most. I think we might have a sub five. You reckon? We could have a sub five. She's so tall. How tall is she? Five foot? At the most. I think we might have a sub five. You reckon?

We could have a sub five. She's so little. She's like a baby. 152 centimetres. So that's shorter than Indy, my daughter, and maybe a smidge taller than August. Crazy, eh? Oh, my God. Okay.

Four foot nine. Four foot nine. That's how tall she is That's so little No 4.9 feet Yeah 4 foot 9 Yeah Nah Net

Because isn't there 12 inches in a foot So 4.9 feet would be like 4 Did you figure out what you're doing for the top 6 No Well I was I knew I knew that would happen We were on Instagram.

Yeah, we were getting out, we were trying to get a dopamine hit from a reel to really kickstart the show. Rather than just chat to each other in real life. No, no, no, we didn't do that at all.

Oh, no, we did chat. I said, what are you doing? You said, watching reels. I'm on Instagram. And I said, after that dopamine hit,

she's like, yeah, and I said, I'm going to send you one and then I sent her one of a guy misjudging jumping through a hole and trying to get into a pool,

but he hit the glass balustraders, didn't he? And it just shatters into the pool. Next on the show, you remember a while ago, we talked about some countries in Europe bringing in fines based on how much you earn in your job. Well, it's happened. It's happened. We're going to eat the rich.

We're eating the rich. A lawyer has been pulled over for tailgating and has been given a ticket. Now, he's a lawyer and earns a lot of money. I'm going to tell you how much he was fined next. Fantastic. Play. ZM's Fletch Vaughan and Hayley. Vaughan loves to tailgate.

I love a tailgate. You love a tailgate. You shouldn't tailgate. Oh, we'll move up. No, in the gymne loves a tailgate. I love a tailgate. You love a tailgate. You shouldn't tailgate. Oh, we'll move up. No, in the Jimny, I don't tailgate. I like a little tailgate. Why? But you tailgate in other cars.

Yeah, because they're bigger and have better ANCAP safety ratings. Well, I... So you want a three-star safety rating or really, mate, you leave that two-second rule? Yeah, I bet it does. A Swiss lawyer was pulled over. This happened last year, but it's in court at the moment. He was pulled over for tailgating in France, sorry, in Swiss on a motorway. Now, dangerous driving because it was so close.

And now normally it would just be a fine, right, in any country. Whatever, yeah, based on... I don't know what, do we have fines for tailgating here? Nah. I've never heard of anyone... I remember there was a bit of a stint there. When the ad was on for the Don't Be A Fool, Don't Break The Two Second Rule and Peter Brock.

That was so long ago. I know, but I remember a few people getting, like, warnings or tickets or that thing where they go, increase your following distance. If you were on, like, the motorway, they'd pull up on you. Oh, they speak to you? Yeah, someone I know's parents were, like, going to... It was when I was at school, and they came back to school, and they're like, my parents got, like, got the speaker from the cops

when they're in Auckland, and they're like, you need to back off, to back off. Well, so he was, there was an unsafe distance between 26 to 40 feet. So he was fined, but has been challenging that in court because Switzerland have started fining based on what you earn. Yeah. Because rich people don't give a shit,

do they? Nah, they think the world's theirs. If you earn millions of dollars, what's like a parking, what's a $20, $40 parking ticket? Yeah. So you just park wherever you want. You park on the lines.

It's $100 or $200 or whatever. You go. They just pay it, right? So what they've done is made fines in relation to what you earn, and that is why this driver- Do we know what he earns? So it's Swiss francs, 1.7 million Swiss francs. Jesus, a year. So that's a dollars. 1.7 million Swiss francs. Jesus, a year.

So that's a dollar. Three mil. Yeah, it's about just under three mil or 2.8 New Zealand million dollars a year. That's what he earns. Is he hot? Is he hot? No picture.

Is he hot or single? It's only a picture of a BMW. Because remember, I had a moment where I was going to marry into a very rich Swiss family and I said no. What if it's him? Why did you say no? Oh, he was too nice.

He was too sort of sweet and soft. He was so lovely. He didn't have a beard? No, he was very tall, but he was like sort of just a sweet, lovely man. And it wasn't. When you ask his thoughts on World War II, he's like. Oh, my gosh. We were going to his house and it was like a manor with fields and grounds. So in US dollars, $116,000.

For one fine for tailgating. For tailgating, for one fine. Because he earns that much money. Isn't that insane? Oh my God. Oh my God. Now that's a lot of money even if you earn... It's a quarter of a million New Zealand dollars.

No. $160,000 a million New Zealand dollars. No. 160,000 New York State dollars. I don't know if 116,000 is translated though to US dollars. I mean, it's still a lot. Yeah, that's still a lot of money. Damn it. That stings. You feel that regardless of how much money you've got.

Oh, don't stop me now. You could have been living in the Swiss Alps. But then you'd have this. You're a speeder too. I know. But he would have just been so lovely. Hayley, I always think sometimes I would like for you to be my girlfriend. Where did you meet this guy? He was a liaison officer for the Swiss Army at the Basel Tattoo.

For the knives? No, not for the Swiss Army knives, in the actual Swiss Army. At the Basel Tattoo in Switzerland when I performed there as a marching girl. And we met. And then he sort of followed me to Edinburgh the next year and then came to New Zealand for a bit and, yeah. Oh, my God. Did he have a knife?

Gave me his dog tags, gave me his military dog tags with his name on them. But not his Swiss Army knife? Not his Swiss Army knife. Oh, he did give me a Swiss Army knife. And then I was in London and he said he'd fly me over to Switzerland to go to attend this military ball with him. And I was like, oh, I don't know. Did he give you some secondhand stuff from a shop that his army was running?

No, no. That they'd confiscated from, I don't know. Did he give you some secondhand stuff from a shop that his army was running? No, no. Didn't they confiscate it from, I don't know. Yeah, no, no, no, secondhand goods. Oh, poor Philip. No, it was a Salvation Army joke. It didn't land. Oh, was it? I thought it was a joke about stealing Nazi gold.

Yeah, stuff like that. No, it wasn't. It was a Salvation Army joke. It didn't quite land. It didn't land. No, it didn't land. It didn't land. It didn't land.

Okay. Anyway, I'm sure he's happy didn't land. It didn't land. Okay. Anyway, I'm sure he's happy now. What a terrible start to Monday for me. Monday? Are you off? Jesus Christ. I thought it was Monday. All week I've been thinking it's Friday,

and now I think it's Monday. You just need to go home, I think. I haven't been drinking this week. Bravo. I have a picture of Al. Go back to it. I think you might of out. I can go back to it. I think you might need a few more weeks off

to be honest. Play ZM's Fletch, Vaughn and Hayley. Fletch, Vaughn and Hayley Silly little pole Silly little pole It is so silly, silly, silly That the silly little pole

Silly little pole Silly little pole Silly little pole Silly little pole, silly little pole, silly little pole, silly little pole, silly little pole. Silly little pole today for the makeup wearers. Do you wear winged eyeliner still? It was my go-to look for, I reckon, ten years. Please explain. Not like a full bloody Amy Winehouse.

Just a little flick at the end So it's the one that goes up the end of the eye Yeah yeah flicky What are you doing? You're doing the Flick Yeah but what are you doing? Eyeliner

Eyeliner Liquid eyeliner And then you just keep going a little bit more Yeah You got it Well it's The reason we ask this question It's

Gen Z says it's Oh for me I said look old Gen Z's like It's out of fashion I don't do it as much Like if I I won't do it as much But every now and then I'll just fucking says it's old for me. He said, look old. Turns out he's out of fashion. I don't do it as much. Like, I won't do it as much. But every now and then,

I'll just fucking, I'll chuck it back on and I love it, you know? 87% of people said not anymore. Okay. 13% said yes, love it. It's time to retire. I'm chucking a winged liner on today. Well, a winged,

tomorrow when you're dressed as a pirate for the quiz night, they're very pirate. Yeah, I'm going to go full makeup. Full wing. How did they get Maybelline though back in the day? They raided other ships. Yeah. Okay. And they would pop out their little telescope

and they'd say, ah, what be that ship on the horizon? Maybe she was born with it. Maybe. It's a Maybelline. Okay. Okay. What do the women say?

I can't do it no matter how hard I try, says Samantha. I'm very good at it. Samantha and then Amanda says it just takes way too long. Lol. Someone should name their kids Samantha. I just heard those two names next to each other Well that's what When I said it In my mind they rhymed

Salamander I was like from Samantha to Amanda And then when I said it out loud Internal rhyme There's internal rhyme Yeah Thanks That's what Notorious B.I.G. used

Internal rhyme he does Eminem uses it a lot Yeah it's really Very clever It's actually more advanced than end rhymes. You only like 90s pop rock.

Like, three doors down. Yeah, well that was 2000. Home now. Well that was more 2000s. Crypt now. Yeah. If I go crazy, then will you still be my Superman? We are, we are.

What a song. That's a great song. Every now and again, says Carol, but only a little one as I get older. As a makeup artist, I can confirm it's definitely still a regular request. Yeah. Okay. Elizabeth said, when I'm feeling sassy, I do. Okay.

She has a little wing tip when she's feeling a little sassy. A little sassy. Tara, I used to all the time, but now not as much. If I do, though, I use an eyeshadow. Instead, that way, if I mess it up, I can make it into a smoky eye. Smoke it out. Smoke it out. God, I'm glad I don't have to deal with makeup. I know. It sounds so hard. It would really enhance your face though.

Every now and then you see... I just mean it's like when men don't wear it. It would all just get in my beard. You'd have to fade out the foundation. Sometimes I see dudes wear makeup and I'm like, what has he gone and done that for? He's just made his day harder. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I do whatever, dude, but how long did that take? Yeah. You could have spent that sleeping. Or just standing in the shower. The lashes. The lashes. Everyone looks nice with a lash.

Have you got some mascara on? Actually, you're doing a pirate tomorrow. Can I do your makeup, but a dark eyeliner, but a Jack Sparrow? Oh, absolutely not. Oh, yes. Oh, no, I'll get one of those dyes again. No, I won't. Oh, I'll do it nice.

No. Yeah. Then I have to go home, and then what? Will I have a shower and get it off? No, just wash your face. I'd go straight to the clubs. I'd go straight to the clubs. Don't waste a good face on bed.

I'd be hurt. I'd be hurt. I'd go to clubs. Straight to the clubs. Walking with a net through a river and just scooping up as much bloody salmon as you want, mate. You know, you're all ready enough of a fisherman. What am I, a beer? What am I, a beer? Yeah.

I think that's what they call you. Okay. You lot. There's a big beer. Big beer. Mira says, very cutesy, very demure. Not bold with a liquid eyeliner, but just a little bit of black or brown eyeshadow.

Okay. Fiona, yes, but changed from liquid eyeliner, which is very heavy, to powder. A lot of people changing to away from the liquid, so it's not so defined, not so heavy. Softening. Yes. We're softening. I'm a vintage girlie. Gotta have the winged eyeliner, says Emma, And she is

We've got a pin-up girl We've got a pin-up girl Yeah She goes to hot rod shows Okay You can't go to a hot rod show And not have winged eyeliner You can't

Men included Yeah You'd be stupid not to Wouldn't you You would Get out there That's a little while Play ZM's Fletchford and Ailey

Play ZM We're not Especially long haul I'd be farting on planes Everybody farts It's just something about And you slowly get used to it Oh yeah And the soup of human stink

That you're sitting in And then apparently If you've ever opened the door After a long haul flight Like the people that The air bridge Yeah It's unreal.

I bet it is. But when you're in the plane, very seldom will you smell it. No, exactly, because you slowly acclimatise to it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Isn't that awful? We're just half in farts.

Yeah. And they wondered why COVID tore through planes. Yeah, man. It's coming out the anus. Yeah, it was coming out every hole. I like... Yeah, on a long-haul flight, I will just fart freely.

It's loud. No one knows what's you. You just, I can't stop. Like, it's. But it's real bad when you do your first one on a plane and it smells and you're like, bad, bad. See, it's pressurised, obviously, the cabin, but it's something about the altitude or the pressurisation.

I think it's, so it's to do with the pressure. There's a doctor, Dr Karan Rajan. I love a rhyming name. Dr Beat? No, not paging Dr Beat. An emergency. Emergency. Paging Dr Karan Rajan.

So he says, when you fly, the cabin pressure decreases so the air inside your intestines increases by up to 30% more than usual. So you've got more air moving through your fart track. It's the same with when you used to take a plastic drink bottle on board and at ground level and the ordinary pressure it was fine and then when you went up it would be like stretched out. Since your colon has limited space, mine more than others,

I've got a well-hung colon. You elongated, you've been told, yeah. Since your colon... I just realised I have to get a colonoscopy soon, won't I? Great. You have to get them once every year. Yeah. Has it nearly been a year since your last one?

Crazy, yeah. Since your colon has limited space and can only expand so much, the natural consequence is it's got to go out. Oh, right. So that's what makes you gassy on a plane. Yeah. And so everyone was like, God, how do I stop being so gassy? Because I literally,

since I flew back from Melbourne, have had quite a bloated, gassy stomach. You need to release the valve. Yeah, I know. I sort of would love for someone to sort of jump on my tummy and just fart me. Like burp you. Fart me, yeah.

Fart you. That's one of my favourite things to do when Shado's like, man, I need to go to the toilet when she's lying in bed. I'm usually trying it on. You know, maybe get a little nookie. And she'll be like, ah, buss to go to the toilet when she's lying in bed. I'm usually trying it on. Yeah. Maybe get a little nooky. Yeah.

And she'll be like, ah, bussing on the toilet. Is that how you ask? Get away from me. Yeah. I don't ask. Okay. I let my hands do the talking.

And my favorite thing to do is when she's like, I need to go to the toilet, is you just reach across and you go, and push down on someone's stomach. Oh my God, I love that.

Because if she went to bed, it would be funny. It would be funny. Now, apparently, romance is alive and well. Alive and well. Oh, my God, yeah. God, sexy times in the Smith household.

So, apparently, some airlines consciously give passengers low-fibre food, high in, like, plain, simple carbs, low-fibre, less to make you bloated and gassy. And clog you up a little bit, because that's always when you get to where you're going, your bowel is all out of whack. Yeah. So he was like, there's lots of theories around how you can avoid being so farty on planes.

But this Dr. Rajan, he's like, the air has to go somewhere. There is no way really to get rid of it. So like, yes, eat a low fibre meal. You know, don't have too much bloody psyllium husk before you get on a plane. But other than that... Aw. Aw.

You know that was my morning husk. It's part of my morning routine. Nothing you can do about it. You just got to fart it out. Play ZM's Fletchford and Hayley. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah, blah. This is the top six.

All right, guys. All righty. This is the top six. All right, guys. All righty. This is good news for a guy like me who will get given a gift card, put it in my bedside drawer completely. Oh, yes. I've got that voucher for caretaker. We've got to use it. Okay.

Well, we simply must. Here's some new rules in place, though. Is this a proposed new law? No, no. It's happening. It's happening in place, though. Is this a proposed new law? No, no, it's happening. It's happening. Okay, great. From March 2026,

so 18 months, they're giving you to sort it out, will be compulsory for all gift cards to have a minimum three-year expiry date. Wowzers. This is a fair trading gift card expiry amendment bill. So it's bringing some consistency to gift cards, which prior have been whatever, six months, twelve months, two years. I remember a few years ago, maybe

it was because of COVID, there was a bit of a stink kicked up because, you know, gift cards were expiring after six months, twelve months, and they were like, come on. A lot of good people just extended them, and you could always write in and be like, hey, this is expiring. They're like, yeah, we'll just add another six months on to it

or whatever. Yeah. There's nothing worse, because you've just given them a free donation and you haven't cashed in on it. Have you guys ever used absolutely non-spon? Okay. Have you ever used Prezi? Nah. My brother sends...

Like Prezi cards? Yeah, but it's P-R-E-Z-E-E. Oh, yeah. Nah, I haven't done that No that's Prezi My brother would send My daughter's Christmas presents As these

And so I We just get them And like spend them Little digital gift cards But then we just found out You can like There's an app And you can go in

And you can like Change it into Like for example If I got one I could change it Into PlayStation credit On the app Oh cool

That's really good And it doesn't The expired reminds you Oh right cool. It's really good, and it doesn't, the expired reminds you. Oh, right, okay. Anyway, that's good. Non-spawn, non-spawn, non-spawn. I just think it was, I didn't know it had an app. We're very clear when it's spawn. Oh, yes, yes.

We'll say spawn. Hashtag ad. Spawn. Co-lab partnership. Hashtag gift tip. Top six other rules we need for gift cards is today's top six, because this is good. They're going to have a three-year expiry.

Yep. And here's six more. Because this is good. They're going to have a three-year expiry. Yep. And here's six more. Number six on the list. The person you're paying with a gift card isn't allowed to look at you like you're scum. Because sometimes they think they're about to get a big cash sale. No, I love. If they're working on a little commish. Yep.

And you're like, I've got a gift card. And you're like. I just put in all this effort helping you pick that out. Yeah. No, but see, some people don't like it when it's like a Christmas

or a birthday. I love them. They're great. No, getting them. No, no, no,

that's great. When you're the worker in the retail store and someone's coming in and they're like, you know how you just spent three quarters of an hour helping me find exactly

the shoes I was after? Not even paying for it. Gift card. Yeah. And they're like, ah, how you just spent three quarters of an hour helping me find exactly the shoes I was after? Not even paying for it. Gift card. Yeah. And they're like, oh, you want to buy some socks? And then you've got to scratch off that little thing on the back for the pin number. That gift card is exactly the right amount.

Yeah. Number five on the list of the top six other rules we need for gift cards. They need to constantly remind you they exist. Nothing sucks more than spending money at a shop and then getting home and be like gift card. I've done that

so many times. I have a voucher. Damn it. Yeah. I got outdoor store gift cards once. Oh yeah. Great.

And then I forgot I had them. But not somewhere you rush regularly each week. No, no, no. You go there once every two years sort of thing for something.

And I went and I bought the stuff I got home and I was like oh I had a gift card for that. I'll use it if you haven't used it at the outdoor store. Oh, no, I went back and spent it. Oh, damn. On a really good quality dry bag. Oh, lovely, lovely, lovely.

I'd buy a hat. I'd buy a hat. Love it. Nice, beautiful sun hat. I'd buy a crossbow. You'd buy the pull cord. So it doesn't blow up. Dude, am I crazy for wanting to buy a crossbow? No, you've got the perfect place for a crossbow. I know I've got the perfect place for a crossbow Yeah with a pull cord So it doesn't blow up Dude am I crazy

For wanting to buy a crossbow No you've got the perfect Place for a crossbow I know I've got the perfect Place for a crossbow How fun is shooting a crossbow So much power I'm buying one on the way home

Oh my god do it Yep great Oh my god can we play with it Yeah Yeah dude Yeah dude you can But the only problem is When you sit on your deck

And you look out It's towards the animals Yeah So we're gonna be We're gonna have to put up a big wall. Yeah, you need to be sure to have some hay bales. I've got hay bales. Okay, hay bales, pillows.

Pictures of our enemies. Yeah, enemies. Like Putin. What? I don't really have many enemies. Other than Vladimir Putin. She's calling you out, Poots. Wow.

Number four on the list of the top six rules we need for gift cards. A little thank you smirch on usage. Oh, yeah. I'm playing with the gift card. They lean across the counter and you present your cheek and they give you a little kiss on the cheek. It's creepy. How good's a kiss on the cheek, eh?

Yeah. They can do the other side too if they're European. Do you think we could start all kissing on the cheek in the morning? Okay. No. Coming from someone that kisses their dad and brother on the lips. Yeah, baby. Come on, baby.

Ankles and babe. Number three on the list of the top six other rules we need for gift cards. If it's for a restaurant, you should be allowed to pick where you sit, not just get put with the people who are using their Grab One voucher or voucher for vouchers for a discount, and you're always near the toilet. You should be allowed to sit with the ordinary people that aren't getting a discount

because technically you paid full price for that gift card. Someone paid for it at a different time. Number two on the list of the top six other rules we need for gift cards, better surface to write on them. You know, you're writing like to and from on them. The pens don't work, and the Sharpies never set. Yeah. And they're too small for a Sharpie it's a little weird kind of a strip yeah yeah like on an f-poss or critic i think they finally nailed the back of an f-poss card for signing because that was shocking for a few years for me i've got a big wavy signature yeah big curly

whirly and i feel really really constrict really restricted by the tiny box. I'm sorry you're so stifled. Yeah, well, they're putting me in a box. They are putting you in a box. Or in a large rectangle. I might put that on the list of the things that the Commerce Commission can have a word to banks about. Yeah. Just if the whole back of the card could be signable.

That's a great idea. Yeah, what else is the back of the card doing? Nothing. With T's and C's. Yeah. Put them in an email. Yeah. Could have been an email.

I'm not reading that. And number one on the list of the top six other rules we need for gift cards. If you don't use it within the three years when you go in to use it, the doors behind you

on the store shut and everyone who works there gets to point and laugh at you because you just tried to use an expired gift card and you had three years to do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Great.

Yeah. They should have to donate the money to charity rather than keep it. I've always thought, I'd love to know the economics of not cashed in gift cards. Yeah, I think so too. Because I think it would be,

there would be millions and millions of dollars in the ether. Do you remember only weeks ago, Air New Zealand in their earnings said that however many million credits are still unused. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but they can't write them off today. They're about to expire.

Yeah, how does it impact your stock, right? Because that's the thing. You've always, if you were doing one-year gift cards, you kind of could allow for three years of changes. It's over multiple financial years. Here's an article, The Economics of Unused Gift Cards from The Hustle. Is this from my podcast?

The Hustle Daily? The Hustle Daily Things. No. At the one- year mark, just under 80% of cards are redeemed and as time passes, they are less and less likely to see any light of day. At any given time, 10 to

19% of gift card balances remain undeemed and around 6% of gift cards are never used. 6%. Oh yeah. 6%. That's a massive amount. I would have thought it would have been higher. You've got to use them when you get them. That's the best way. Yes.

Quick, smart. And another headline from CBS News, billions of dollars worth of gift cards go unspent every year. That's just in America alone. Oh, dear. I bloody bet. Dig out your gift cards today and go shopping at the weekend. Have yourselves a spend up this weekend with money that doesn't really exist.

Or the irony, like dig up all the gift cards you got for Christmas and start your Christmas shopping. Oh my God, yeah, give back. Free. Free Christmas shopping, yeah. Play ZM's Fletch, Vaughn and Hayley. Am I ready? I'm born ready, baby.

Let's do this radio thing. On ZM, Fletch, Vaughn and Hayley. It's four minutes away from seven. Go bags. Yeah. Familiar with them? I know that a lot of like the journalists have them. Go bags.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. If they've got to leave and cover a story on a whim, they've got a little like toiletries. Yeah, change of clothes. This is a bit different. This is like a natural disaster emergency evacuation go bag. Aaron used to make one for us. Well, we should all have them.

We live in New Zealand. Everyone got the CDEC kits after the Christchurch earthquakes. Everyone had a wheelie bin with like three days of water in it so you could wheel it down the road. That's a good idea. Because I get advertised every now and again like those kind of things. If I was going to do one of those, I'd chuck some studier wheels on it though.

As someone who dragged a wheelie bin down an 80 metre driveway, I don't want to brag about the length of my driveway, but it's an 80 metre driveway. That's nice, man. You've got a nice driveway. He's got a long one. He's got a long one. Long and thin.

Not the best wheels. Not the best wheels in a wheelie bin. I'd upgrade them to a, maybe even an inflatable. You do risk puncture, though. Maybe you could go those rubber ones that are fully filled up with more rubber. Sand. Just so they roll a bit better. Yeah.

Okay. That's just my little tip for a C-deck. Well, this was in America. This was in America. They asked and they did it by, I'm getting there, but I just feel like if you're going to tell us the rest, we'll keep it moving. You can tell us through it tell it. Give people the

discs. Sorry, we just kind of stalled on your long driveway. Yeah, you've got a nice long driveway. It was more about putting a good set of tyres on your wheelie bin if you're turning it into a sea deck. Again, we've stalled on something that doesn't matter. I would put the water halfway up

to, you don't want the water at the bottom or the top. Why do you think the water? Oh, bottled water. Bottled water. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're not just pouring, you're not just making a layer cake. Anyway.

Just pouring water and sloshing around the bottom. Everyone dip in a straw to the water sack. So they asked Americans what they would put in. No, they asked them what they would take if they had five minutes to pack a bag. That's not exactly what I just said, I think. No. No, they asked them what they would take if they had five minutes to pack a bag. That's not exactly what I just said, I think. No, you didn't quite. You really messed this up.

Well, no, back to grab bags from the CDEC. Because now people are thinking about a wheelie bin. No, okay, so wheelie bin, grab bag, go bag. What I put into a grab bag is different to what I put in a wheelie bin. Because a grab bag is smaller than the wheelie bin. And you've got to load it really quickly and you've got to be able to carry it on you.

Well, they divided it by generations. As they like to do, they put the generations you've got. And you've got to load it really quickly and you've got to be able to carry it on you. Well, they divided it by generations. As they like to do, they put the generations against each other. They do. Gen Z's. More likely to grab. This is a guy, and I think I was painting them in a bad light. I've met some recently that have reinstalled my faith in the younger generation. Gotta have my Sol de Janeiro.

Well, that would probably be on the list. Their laptop, 35% of people would grab a laptop. In an emergency. That was their priority grab item. I guess because then when you get to an area, maybe like an emergency evacuation station, they might have emergency Wi-Fi set up so you can let people know.

They have your phone. You've got your phone. What can't you do on your phone? Yeah. A pair of shoes was the same at 35%. 30% grabbing their prescription medication. God knows it would be an anxious time. Oh, God.

And you need your anti-anxiety meds to keep all that at bay. Gen X, though, if you go the other end of the spectrum. Family albums, 43% would grab their... Who's still doing old school albums? People. Yeah. Put it on the cloud. People Yeah Put it on the cloud No

Get it on the cloud The photos and stuff Before the cloud Before the cloud existed What are you grabbing? I'm grabbing I'm grabbing snacks I'm just going to the pantry

I'm getting snacks If I'm in a panic I've got five minutes And I don't have a grab bag on the go Yeah I'm getting snacks Yeah Snacks

Definitely snacks Undies and socks And some comfy shoes I'm getting a little Something to pass the time Just going to my little side I'm getting a little something to pass the time. Just going to my little sidebar and get something to pass the time. What? Adult fun toy.

You don't know. You don't know when I'm going to be able to pull up somewhere. You could be in a civil defence emergency shelter. That's easy for you. My hormones don't turn off. Easy for you. You're taking your hand, aren't you? So you've got your ready-to-go adult fun toy.

Exactly. She just wants something a little bit extra. Wow. And a charging pack so that never dies. I was going to say, you're going to be able to see where that runs out of bat. That's your go bag? That's my go bag, baby.

Didn't grab your cat. Didn't grab your cat. Bad parent. Bad parent. He's already run. He's gone. He's gone ahead. Bad parent.

Bad parent. Okay. Play ZM's Fletch Vornanale. Play ZM. It's the final rankings. We do this every Friday We rank things Today Colours of cats I actually messaged the group chat this morning

Saying running a little late Having some delicious cat cuddles I thought that was a euphemism No it wasn't I felt bold before work to take was a euphemism. No, it wasn't. I felt bold before work to take the time to do that. No, no, no, no, it wasn't. It wasn't. It was just a little cold

and you were just getting some snuggles with the cat. Yeah, I just picked him up and pulled him up to my chest and he stayed. And so I was like, I'll stay in bed for a bit. I'm just going to get straight into it. Number one, ginger. Number two, tabby mixed thing. Number three, black.

Oh, okay. Do you know black cats are the least adopted cats in the world because people are superstitious? Which is ridiculous because black cats are right up there for me. I grew up with a black cat. Yeah. So cute. I have a question.

Named him Shaq. Named her Shaq. Wow. I was a child. Because it was a large black cat. Wow. Jesus Christ. I was a child. Because it was a large black cat. Wow. Jesus Christ. I was allowed to name her.

You were going to knock off Friday early? I was into basketball at the time. Okay. Oh, okay. So I was more about basketball. I was five years old. Yeah, okay, cool. I have a question.

Blue, you know, British blues. It's grey. Is that grey or is it blue? That's grey. My cat's grey. But not a British blue. Okay. Well, I'm? That's grey. My cat's grey, but not a British blue. Okay. Well, I'm going to go grey.

Yeah. And then I'll go black. Yeah. And then I'll go ginger. What about white? Yeah, I do like it. We had an all-white cat at one of our flats, and his name was Louie, and he was deaf.

Are they more prone to being deaf? I don't think they're all deaf. No, they're white. There's something white cats are far more prone to being and you've also got to put sunscreen on their schnozzies or they get cancer. Rolly's white and grey

and we have to put sunblock on his white bits. What sunblock do you use? Cat sunblock. No, you could use normal human... No, we have cat sunblock because then they go

and lick it off and stuff. And get poisoned or something. Okay. What about, have you ever seen a brown cat? 65 to 85% of all white cats with blue eyes are deaf. Really? Yeah. I didn't know that.

White cats with non-blue eyes, 20%. Oh, wow. I'm going to go grey, black, ginger. Ginger cats are cute. Ginger cats are cute. Ginger cats are cute. They are cute. Okay, Hayley, final rankings. But do you know when you see a brown cat, like when they're like brown?

Yeah. And they're sort of cute and they're very rare. A brown cat? Yeah. Like a chocolate coloured, like a chocolate lab. Yeah, that kind of colour. You barely ever see them. I've got to go grey number one.

Like a Burmese. You can get Burmese. Burmese are brown. Havana Brown is a breed of cat. That's very dark. Oh, yeah. That's brown, that's brown. Okay, I'm going to go...

What's this thing? This is a very brown cat. Tortoise and Tabby are different. Tortoise and Tabby... That's actually a remarkably cute brown cat. See? Oh, my God. That's like my cat.

But I think that's just a cute cat. Yeah. It's like a British Shorthair, See? Oh, my God. That's like my cat. But I think that's just a cute cat. Yeah. It's like a British shorthair, but... She's got terrible behaviour issues. What? Literally the worst behaviour. Either smack it or medicate it. He's so sweet.

Like children, smack it or medicate it, please. So, because, like, Tabby is this. Yeah, I mean, Tabby's... I meant Tabby, not tortoise. Yeah, yeah, Tabby. Okay, I'm going to go grey number one because my Rolly boy is sweet, but he's grey and white. Patchy grey.

Okay, yeah. Not British. That's posh. Sort of a mutt. Mongrel, yeah. Am I going ginger or black? Or tabby. Or tabby.

Like, tabby cats are the friendliest cats. I love all cats. I love all cats. I love all cats. I withdraw. You withdraw? You can't withdraw. You can't withdraw. It's not cat.

We've not asked cat breeds. We've asked cat colours. During lockdown, we came across a cat called Van, and he had pube-like texture. He was rough and curly and coarse. Wiry. Wiry. And he was like a beige.

Oh, yeah. And I think about Van all the time. Van and Malbert. Like a Siamese beige. Yeah, kind of, I think about Van all the time. Van and Malbert. Like a Siamese beige. Yeah, kind of, but he wasn't Siamese. He was puby. Puby. Puby Ragdoll.

And he followed us around. It was actually Fletcher's nickname in high school. Puby Ragdoll. Here comes the puby Ragdoll. Oh, my God. Look at this. Oh, guys, puberty was hard. Puberty was hard.

Puberty was awful. Puberty Ragdoll. Okay, I'm going grey number one and then I withdraw. You can't withdraw. You can't withdraw. You can't withdraw. Just say two other colours of cat that you've seen cats. One's got to be ginger and one's got to be black. I like black cats because I was a goth.

You do black then. Black. And tabby. Yeah, but then what? All the tabbies just think, meow, she didn't pick me. Oh, my God. Meow. Meow.

Terrible. Somebody tuned in halfway through and told me about human hair colours and then thought it was really weird when you started describing people as tortoiseshell. And Tabby. What colour hair does she have? Is it sort of a mousy tortoiseshell? Play. ZDM's Fletch Vaughan and Hayley.

I believe Fletch Vaughan and Hayley are hitting the road. I thought you were going to say, I believe Iletch, Fawn and Hayley are hitting the road. I thought you were going to say I believe I can fly and I was like, I don't know if we're R. Kelly-ing. I would not be R. Kelly-ing in this day and age. No, we are going to the Hawke's Bay. To Hawke's Bay. Well, we were invited, weren't we? We were invited because we have been so influential

in the sway of the naming of the fire truck for Hawke's Bay Airport. This is a new fire truck that they're getting. They held a competition. Yeah. And we got behind very hard. Dame Judy Drench. And they caught wind of this because the votes were so heavily swayed in that way that they invited us to the naming ceremony. And Producer Carwin, we said yesterday, could we go?

Let's talk to Ross. And we said stuff that guy. Let's go. What's the latest? We've got a flight. Yes. That's good. Are we going to arrive early enough to go to a winery? No. I'm not sure about a winery

Okay Darling Darling, it's just such a beautiful region for wineries Yeah, let's make it there in the sun It'll be such a shame It'll be such a shame Oh my god, so we're going to the ceremony Yep, we're going to go to the ceremony

She's told me some details on like How we're going to reveal it What we can do on air It's going to be fun guys Oh, I love this We're going to reveal it, what we can do on air. It's going to be fun, guys. Oh, I love this. We're going to broadcast live from said airport. Yes, so at the Aero Club, which is just a little bit off the runway. I've been to an Aero Club before.

Do they have Aero bars? I quite like the aerated chocolate texture. Oh, yeah. I haven't seen one of those for ages. Are you kidding? I'll go buy you one. In the vending machine. Mint or chocolate?

Mint. Mint. Mint. Should we have an Aero? Yeah, let's have an Aero. Should we split an Aero? Did you know they did an Aero Milky Bar? What?

They did an Aero Milky Bar. Where? I'm looking right now. I'm looking at it with my own two goddamn eyes. Guys, I can't help but feel like we've got distracted from the... No, okay. If we're going to broadcast from an aero club,

we have to have an aero bar. But it's got to be mint. Mint's the best one. Yeah, mint's the best one. Do you think Costco will have a box or something that I can buy? Oh yeah, I'm sure.

Okay, so we can go along to the ceremony. We've got flights. Oh yeah, okay. Milky bar. It's milky bar, but it's covered in chocolate. Yeah.

I don't know. I just think it's the flavor of milky bar in the middle and then covered in chocolate. Nah, let's just hit a classic mint. Okay, no, no. I just think it's the flavor of Milky Bar in the middle. Right. No, let's just hit a classic mint. Okay, let's not get too funky with it. We've been sidetracked.

We've been sidetracked. So when are we heading down? My chocolat. So we'll go down after the show on Wednesday. Set up all our staff ceremonies on Thursday. Live on the show. I'm going to have to change my physio appointment. I've got a physio appointment on Wednesday. I actually have a needling appointment on Thursday at Live on the show. I'm going to have to change my physio appointment. I've got a physio appointment on.

I actually have a needling appointment on Thursday at 12. Needling? Give me some micro-needling done on my face. Might have to move that to Friday. Okay, we'll reschedule that. I don't think you need it. The pause was too long, my love. I'm going to pass, but thank you.

Can I have another go? You go lead me in. Oh, Thursday, 12.15. I've got a needling appointment. I don't think you need it. Thank you, Fletch Yeah your face is too far gone No so you've missed that

You've stuffed that up That's not what I should have said Yeah no no no Try again Try again When do we land on Thursday Because I've got a Needling appointment

I don't think you need it Oh Thank you Bourne Your face is poo No No No

It's all right. Don't worry about it. We'll just move on. Third time's a charm. One more. I think we're good. One more. Okay, what time are we landing on Thursday?

I've got a needling appointment. You don't need needling. Oh, my God. You, of all people, this gorgeous, resplendent, youthful-looking babe of a century that I'm looking at right now. Now, Fletch needs needling. That guy's a minger. I like that.

Wow. Okay. I didn't know you nailed that. No, I'll move the needling. That guy's a minger. I like that. Wow. Okay. I didn't know you nailed that. I'll move the needling. Okay. I'm excited. Okay. And then we can broadcast the show and they'll unveil it and we'll find out live on air with

the rest of the nation if the fire truck will be called Judy Drench. Yeah, because I don't have any indication, guys. They've removed the amount of votes from the website. We were leading when I last looked. So, yes. But she was like, oh, you know, we'll see who the winner is. Keep it a surprise. If they have the gall to invite us to the naming ceremony,

we book flights through the company, we're down there, we're making all this effort, and then they name it. Fred. I'll riot. I'll personally be, I'll find it funny. Because I wasn't here when you guys got behind the so I feel like

you've cheated on me well so everyone needs to go onto the Hawke's Bay Airport website now before midday today that's when it cuts off question

can we dress as firemen fire people people yeah I'll talk to their people oh my god

what but like okay can we do a hot shoot? A hot shoot? A hot shoot because September, we've got to be getting ready for our calendar. For the fireman calendar. Well, because we've already got our inspirational quotes

on horses calendar coming, but we could do another one, and it's sexy pics as fire people. I love that. Will you do that? Will you do that? Will you do one where you're just wearing the pants and not the top?

I refuse to wear the pants. I'll wear the top and not the pants. Just a little hanging out. I'm winning the poo. That's actually not how it works in the fire calendar. That's why people will buy my calendar is it's a little bit different. Just your little chicken legs hanging out the bottom.

Well, that's exciting. And my doodle. And your doodle. Thursday. And depending on how cold it is, my testicles may make an appearance. They're going to uninvite us if you do that. Yeah, can we just behave?

Join us on Thursday. What time will the live unveiling be of the name? Do we know? Around 8.25. That's perfect for us. Oh, and we'll catch up. Kind of when we do Fact of the Day. Oh, shuffle it.

This is an important occasion. Okay, so next week's theme of Fact of the Day, if it's going to be shuffled, it needs to be somewhat related to either airports or fire trucks. Or emergency services. Yes, love that. Okay, well join us on Thursday for the unveiling, the official name

of the new fire truck. Excited. Play ZM's Fletchford and Ailey. Play ZM's Fletch for the Nelly. Play ZM. What's your jobby? What's your jobby? What's your jobby? What's your jobby? What's your jobby? What's your jobby? It's a game where we try to guess your job. Now, we'll ask you three questions and then try to guess your job.

If you'd like to play 0800-DARLS-IT-M, Rachel, good morning. Good morning. Morning. Morning. I want to go first. Are your hours consistent? Yes. Oh, but that could be consistent overnight or consistent during the day. No, she's not a shift worker.

She's not a shift worker. She's not a freelancer. So it could be like office. We're not a singer. We're not a musician. Not a comedian. Okay, it's a good question. We had some beautiful.

I mean, Rachel, you might be New Zealand's greatest undiscovered comedian. Could be. She could be. Hardly. Hardly. We had some beautiful te reo Māori when you got on the phone. Yes. Oh, kia ora.

That could be a little bit of a hint of what I do. Early childhood vibe. The way you said morena. Yeah, I'm like, are we in an education? Don't answer this. Don't answer. I'm just buying fire traces. Fire, Rachel. Oh, are we in an education? Don't answer this. Don't answer. I'm just buying fire traces. Fire, Rachel.

Oh, we've got a fire on our hands. Yeah, yeah. Okay. I'll go. Okay. Rachel, do you work in the realm of education? Aye. Yes, I do.

Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. I mean, now I'm like, is she a Māori language teacher? Where's your ass specific? No, you just have to say teacher. We might have to say what age.

No, because it doesn't matter. Teacher's teaching, isn't it? I mean, I know there's different like primary, intermediate. Early childhood. But then, I don Early childhood. But then... Oh, I don't know. What should my question be? You couldn't say teacher and, you know, that could be are you a teacher?

No, no, no, that's the end question. Oh, yeah, okay. What should my question be then? Do you work with children? Oh, yeah. No, they're all under 18 and children, so that's all... Are they?

Yeah, they're all... Young adults. But then that would nail the teacher, wouldn't it? You say teenagers are young adults, it's just to make them feel better about being a teenager. Yeah, because she could be in a tertiary education. She could be teaching at like a wānanga or something like that. Yeah, yeah.

You know? And then we're in adults. So should I say, do you teach children? Do you work with children? Under 18! No, I'd say under 10 you teach children? Do you work with children? Under 18. No, under 10. Under 10. No.

What are you doing? Hang on, Rachel. When you're at an age, do you work with children under... No, whatever. Do you work with children under 18? Do you work with children? Yeah, do you work with children, Rachel? Oh, no, I don't.

Okay. So I reckon she works, I reckon she is a teacher at a Māori language course. That's what I think. I reckon an education. A tertiary education. A tertiary education. A tertiary educator.

Yes, a tertiary educator. Rachel, are you a tertiary educator? Yes. Yes! Straight out the gate! We did it! Yes, yes, yes! Wait, do you teach

at a whānau? Do you teach at a Māori language school? Kyle, not a Māori language school but I work for Tirito Māuha which is a bicultural teacher training provider.

Which is a tertiary education provider. That's awesome. Oh, we nailed that, didn't we? We nailed that first time. We nailed that first go. It was because your beautiful morena led us down this path. Yeah, set us up a lot of good luck.

If you had to hit us with a marina... Yeah. We would have said the contraceptive advice. Marina. Or where I park my boat. Oh, congratulations, Rachel. Just like that, $100 is all yours. Oh, kia ora. Thank you.

Play ZM's Fletch, Vaughan and Hayley. Sorry, back to you, Fletch. No wonder your neighbours love you. Yeah, they love you. 19 minutes away from 8. I will just quickly say, Dua Lipa tickets. She's announced she's coming to the country next year, 8 o'clock after the news, if you want to win those.

Now, this happened yesterday. I mentioned this to Hayley Vaughan, and I will say before I mention this, she agrees. She also would do this. And you know me, I'm usually so laid back and easy breezy. And this is what I want to ask now. I want to know, like the story I'm about to tell you, when something has to be just right.

Just right. Because yesterday I want to know, like the story I'm about to tell you, when something has to be just right. Just right. Because yesterday I paid a bill, and then after I paid the bill, my account wasn't even, the savings account. It was like 0.95 cents. What was the number before it? It was an even number. I want to know how much money you got in savings. It was an even number. And I'll just hide my money you got in savings. It was an even number.

And I'll just hide my wallet. Yeah, yeah. How much we got. So I was like, oh, 0.95. You transferred five cents. I do this all the time. Yes! I do this all the time.

Yes, so do I! When I'm doing the monthly thing where I go through and make sure the mortgage account's got enough in it and this, that, and the other, and the rate's coming out of here. After it all comes out, I go through and I'm like, I can't even take five cents from there. It's a fun game. It's so fun. As I was doing it, it automatically corrected to 50 cents.

I was like, no, no, no. And I put a.05. .05. And then I clicked OK. And I was like. It's called balancing the books, baby. It makes me feel like an accountant. Remember back in the day when doing transactions like that,

you'd have to pay a little fee. Like 25 cents. So you're like, would it be worth it now? It's just like free willy nilly. Yeah. And so I was like, and then I did it. And then I looked at my account. So I was like.

Were they all even? Even. That's a rare one because I have a junk account. Oh, no, my everyday account's whatever it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like the EFPOS account is the junk account for me. Oh, no, my everyday account's whatever it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like the EFTPOS account is the junk account for me. Oh, that's junk. Yeah, that's trash.

Because that's changing the whole time. Yeah, that doesn't matter. But when it's a savings account, it has to be even. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, oh, God, it's, I was like. Even sometimes if you get a little bit of interest, you know, from having money in your bank account and it tops it up and you're like, no, no, you need to balance that out.

I've never had that. Not since I bought a house have I had money in an account that ends in interest. I think it's probably been a while since I've had it too. Says the guy that got into the property market in 2010 and has had capital gains tax free. Boo hoo, feel sorry for me. I don't have money in an account

to go to 17 cents interest. But I don't know, I just feel like, and it's the same when I microwave something, it's even. Like people that microwave and they just put in like odd numbers. I'm just like, no. Joe, out of nowhere,

because I've tried not to pass this on to my kids, we were in the car and we were listening to a song and I turned it up and August was like, one more, because it was on 14 and she wanted it on 15. No, I'd rather have it on 14 than 15. Controversially, I'll go zeros and fives. Yeah, same.

I'll hit a five. It changes. Three's not getting a look in. One's not getting a look in. Maybe a two and a push of four. But a five and a zero for volume, it's got to be five and zero. It's the kind of stuff where people say,

oh my God, I've got OCD. You don't. You don't. I have a friend that has OCD and it really ruins his life. Yeah. But flicking switches and like tapping things and not being able to do anything. That's OCD.

It's crippling and it's a social, it's an anxiety-based disorder. This is what I wanted to ask. Like maybe you're listening to us now on your car radio at a five or a ten. Perfect. But not a seven. For a start, don't dare listen to us on a seven. Yeah, but crank it up. Good morning.

We're popping here. Do you know my favourite frequencies that we're on are the flat ones? Yeah, I know. 91, 91, and Auckland zero. Beautiful frequency. 91.2, and you're like, eww. Yeah, I grew up in the Waikato where ZM's 89.8. That's kind of nice because it's it's 8

and then a 9 and then an 8 it was 90.9 in Wellington 90.9 not having it I know it was so close

I don't like that at all 90.9 ZM do you know what mine is is when I have my wardrobe the I like all the hangers

to be equidistant like the clothes not to be all crammed in one and big gaps there no I thought I have to have all my coat hangers black oh yeah all the hangers to be equidistant, like the clothes not to be all crammed in one and big gaps there. No, I thought I have to have all my coat hangers black. Oh, yeah, all the same. Yeah, because there was a white one in there.

I was like, you've got to go. You trash. Isn't that bad? I did a pig purge recently. Oh, yeah? Because there was like, we had all these new pigs, but there was maybe like seven old pigs. Oh, yeah? I was like, you guys have done your time.

You can retire to the bin. Because I didn't like when I'd look out and I'd see the washing on the little clothes horse and the old pegs were with the new pegs. You see, I'm willy nilly with mine. Okay, well. Fluro. I'm pegpartied. I've made a real statement.

And then you genocided the old pegs. I did, I did. Just literally binned them. I did. I peg aside. Okay, so 0800.ZM. You can text through 9696. What always has to be just right?

If it's even bank account, if it's even volume, whatever it is, give us a call, 0800-ZM, and you can text through as well. Friday Flashback is coming up. It's Vaughan. It's your pick. I'm going to put this out to the people. Big news for the Foo Fighters this week with Dave Grohl having a baby out of wedlock.

Yeah. Horrible word, wedlock. Makes it sound like a tyre clamp. Feels like it. Yeah. What? Marriage. I think it's a wonderful feeling.

What are you putting to the people? What Foo Fighters song would they like to hear? I'm looking at the list here of the most played Foo Fighters song ever longs up there. Monkey Wrenches at number 8. It's a lot, that song, but it's like a classic. Times Like These, Too Slow. My Hero's Too Slow. Okay, well, what Foo Fighters song...

The Pretender's one of their most played songs. Isn't it? What Foo Fighters song do you want? Yeah, 9696, let me know. I'm the postman. I'm the people's postman. I'll deliver what the people want to hear. Sounds like the postman. I'm the people's postman. I'll deliver what the people want to hear. Sounds like the postman's struggling this morning. Yeah, struggle straight.

Right now, though, talking about those things, they have to be just perfect. I'm loving this. Because I transferred five cents into the bank account because it wasn't even. Yeah. Yeah. You've stuffed yourself here because we've got messages in to share,

but now it's just. I've got two fingers on the scroll and I'm ready to roll. He's ready to go. Aluminium windows handles need to be in the closed position even when the window's open. That's not a bloody antenna. Yes! Yes!

I agree with that. That's wild. That's why I never thought about it, but I always do. I open them and then flick the handles down. Yeah, because I don't like them sticking up. Yeah. That was a metal, but yeah. Yeah.

When I tie my shoelaces, they have to sit flop downwards, so most of the time I'll tie them, then have to spin both of the loops 180 so that they'll sit downwards because it annoys me immensely when one of them is downwards and the other one starts hitting your leg as you walk. I also have to wear the same socks. They can't be different in any way. Yeah, same.

I have to wear, I see people wearing mismatched socks. I'm like, grow up. Oh, only on washing day. Although they're monsters. Yeah, monsters. Always wear the same kind of sock. Bedsheet has to be flat and perfect. I flick the duvet right off entirely before I get into bed

and like smooth it out. But then you're going to get in and make it unsmooth. Yeah, I know, but it's got to be smooth. Torton that fit sheet. Somebody said, what about like Strava or anything where you measure a bike or a run and you get home and it's an uneven distance? Oh, yeah.

Down the driveway. Yeah, yeah, I'll keep going until it's a nice round number. I used to do that, just like looping around the driveway being like, I'm nearly at 5K. Yeah, gotta get it right on beautiful. Yeah. I drove into my driveway

and my treasured Ford Talstar as it ticked up 100,000 kilometres, still a top five moment of my life. Yeah, beautiful. Yeah, nice and even. That's nice, that's a nice even number. Knives and forks and spoons need to be grouped together

in the dishwasher cutlery tray? Of course, of course they course. Of course they do. Of course they do. How else would they make the most of the space you're given in a cutlery tray? I can reset. I'm thinking one day I'm going to do a video of the state I find my dishwasher

in versus... I'm a shy day. Because we've never had a dishwasher and so I've got one now and I'm like ugh. I just like stack the forks, got one now and I'm like oh I just like yeah forks knives whatever and my friend Ty what I only recently found out when we go to her house and I'm like I'll stick the dishwasher you know help help with that she's always like no no no no no no no and then one day she just came out she was like I gotta tell you I hate the way you do it do you put chopping boards in there no no no no okay good. Oh, okay. Good, good, good. No, no, no. She'd put pans in pots. I'd not my new ones.

Oh, but you have? But I used to put my crap ones in there. Okay. Good, good, good, good, good, good. So many of them. So many of them. Someone said,

I literally had an electrician out this week to rewire my light switch because one of them when it was off, one of them was in the on position. They said their life's so much happier.

Thank you. That's all I needed to hear. I'll be adding that to the list the next time the Sparkies are over. Seb, prepare yourself. You're going to be walking through that. I've got a couple of jobs here to do. I'll be adding that to the list the next time the sparkies are over. Seb, prepare yourself. You're going to be walked through that. I've got a couple of jobs here to do.

How many strokes of deodorant I put under each arm? Has to be the same. Otherwise, I spend the whole day feeling lopsided with deodorant. I'm the same amount of spray on each side. Yeah, I'm not. I'm a rubber. Oh, no. Okay.

My kindergarten teacher, when I first started, all the chairs at the tables were different colours. Oh, no. I matched the colours to the chairs because there was exactly the right amount for all the green chairs to be at the green table. I did that and I'm not turned back. And when a kid moves the chair, I say, uh-uh.

No, no, no. Back, back, back, back to the green table. I never have more than six tabs open on my laptop browser. If I see seven, I'm like, oh, no, no, no. One's got to go and then spend like 15 minutes deciding which one's going to get closed down. If I see seven, I'm like, oh, no, no, no. One's got to go and then spend like 15 minutes deciding which one's going to get closed down.

Sometimes I'll bookmark them so I can come back to them but I have to delete the tab from being open. We're literally giving away huge prizes to people that have been like, thanks.

I know. I love that Amelia's gonna have a good Friday. Yeah, that's good. Okay, Friday flashback, Vaughn, it's your pick. I think the most interesting fact I can tell you about this song is that the writer said it may have been subconsciously influenced by the Sesame Street

song, one of these things is not like the other. One of these things just doesn't belong. Really? Yeah Okay Because apparently You can compare it to it

So That's amazing Yeah I had never known that The year Was 2007 Oh That's the year I saw them

No Yes That's the year I saw them The year The month was August Oh yeah It was August in 2007 When this song came out

Off a Truly magnificent album Echo, Silence, Patience and Grace. One of this band's most highest charting songs, but guess what number it got to? What? 37 on the US chart. Oh, that's BS.

I think there was two rock and roll. Two rock and roll. Wow, it's in the news this week. Dave Grohl has come out and said that he has fathered a child outside of his marriage. Apparently. I was reading apparently. Yeah. But a gossip. I've got some marriage. Apparently. I was reading apparently. Yeah.

Bit of gossip. I've got some scandal. Hayley Spratley, scandal queen. Are you scandal queen? Yeah. Apparently, he actually hired a divorce lawyer a month before this announcement. I read that. I read that as well.

Why? Yeah. And I guess so this news was not as fresh to his wife and the family as it was to us. Right. So you think she started filing proceedings, so then he was like, well, I have to lawyer up. I've got to lawyer up, I guess. Have they actually split up? No, no, no.

Because he said, but, and she was spotted. Sorry, Hayley Sproutley Scandiquana. Yeah. She was spotted out with her engagement ring around about a month ago as well without her wedding ring on oh right okay so yeah

the wife was yeah because it's one thing to have a little affair or a little one off it's one thing to to have a baby with someone up the duff that woman so yeah

anyway scandal's over that's Hayley Sproul scandal's quano this one got to number 9 In New Zealand From 2007 It's the Foo Fighters

The Pretender Soft start But don't let it fool you Oh yeah It's a good song In about 4 seconds It's going to change entirely Friday Flashback

ZM Keep you in the dark You know they all Pretend Don't you know they all pretend Keep you in the dark And somewhere long again Play ZM's Fletch, Vaughn and Hayley. It's the Food Fighters on ZM.

It's your Friday flashback. Well, special guest, we can see him on Zoom. Yes, we certainly can. You know him from Little Britain. Come fly with me. He's a children's author. Britain's got talent. He's everywhere.

David Walliams. Hi, David. Oh, we've got a mute. Oh, you're on mute, darling. You're on mute. Hello, my darling. Hi. Well, can I introduce you formally?

Because this is my very close personal friend, David Williams, who I have met once in a work context. But I felt an instant spark, David. An instant attraction. Yeah, yeah. Chemistry. Very nice to meet you both. Now, David, you're on your way to New Zealand

very soon to bring two shows. One for the kids, as you mentioned, appropriate for Vaughan's children. And one for us adults. Correct. Well, let me just explain that the show for children is not childcare.

You do have to bring them. Like, oh, okay. Not dropping them off. It's not a soft play area. It's doing a show for families about my books because when I announced that I was doing an audience with David Williams, I had lots of messages from parents saying, is it suitable for my six-year-old

no well you know we're going to be talking about little britain and come fly with me and and so you know lots of grown-up comedy and i play a couple of little britain characters in the show so there'll be a few, not crude jokes, but, you know, crude-esque jokes. And you mentioned that you're doing some of your Little Britain characters. I mean, I'm sure at this point maybe you get tired of people asking about it, but it still is, like, so much part of our zeitgeist. Like, people are still quoting Little Britain characters

all the time. I had the scripts, like, I bought the printed, you know, in book form scripts when I was a teenager. And me and my best friend used to sit there and like, hello, like do the characters and stuff. Not as good as you. But do you get tired? That is really heartwarming. No, but I mean, I, you know,

I used to do that with things that, I mean, obviously I'm older than you, but you know, for me, it was like Monty Python. Oh yeah. And Rowan Atkinson, Not Nine O'Clock News, that sort of thing. I mean, obviously I'm older than you, but, you know, for me it was like Monty Python. Oh, yeah. And things like Rowan Atkinson, Not Nine O'Clock News, that sort of thing. I'm pouring over it, yeah. Because that's when, like, books, you couldn't really necessarily,

it wasn't necessarily much out there. And you couldn't always watch the show again. So you'd read the script books, yeah. Yeah, I would. Because I remember we had the DVDs. You'd have the box sets of all the seasons. They were famously one of those DVDs you'd lend to people, and then six months later you'd be like,

who's got my Little Britain DVDs? Where's disc two? Where's disc two? Very much like pornography. Oh, I know. Actually, Vaughan, you still got mine. Yeah, I don't think you want that back. What was the first year?

When did Little Britain start? Why didn't you Google it? 2003? I want to say 2004. Do some research. Get to know the guests before they come on the show. 2003, it was on television in the UK.

So where were you born? I'm 45, so I'm well old enough. You were all Well old enough. I'm well old enough, yeah. You're a grown-up. Yeah. So you're all grown up enough. You were all sort of...

Hayley's a bit younger than us. Yeah, so in 2003, I was... You can tell by my skin and definitely not my Botox. I was a teenager, so it was like... It was a little bit naughty for us still. I was about 13, 14. Well, the great thing is that teenagers are just still discovering it. I think because of, you know, TikTok and Instagram and Twitter and everything,

the sketches kind of go round, especially if there's something that happens in the news, which makes a sketch relevant in some way or another. And in Britain, it's like, you know, Boris Johnson lying or something, and the headline in the newspaper, they'll put him in a pink trank suit, and it'll be like, no, but yeah, but. And recently, the IT, you know,

IT kind of went down around the world. That's right. Computer says no. Computer says no. Yeah, computer says no on the front page of the newspaper. So it's not something that you kind of assume could ever happen or even that you could ever contrive to happen because you know things catch on that's up to people isn't it i mean all you can do is make a funny program and create some

some memorable characters but all of that has been very pleasing and it's really nice that you know although it's a show that, as you're right to say, if you've done any research, started 20 years ago. That's actually really bad for me. I know, it's bad for me, isn't it? I'm David Walliams. Now, which one are you? Which one were you?

I get that in America, because in America, it was really just a thing. It was a kind of, like a gay, gay men really liked it. And it's like a kind of cult, that's what I was going to say. Sort of cult. And so I only get recognised in department stores in New York by men who work there. Oh, my God, it's the guy from Little Britain. Are you mad or a day then?

Oh, gosh. Fernando it's the guy from Little Britain. Are you mad or a David? Oh, my gosh. They got Fernando, come over here. It's the guy who was the other year from Little Britain. And I go over and chat. And I'm so excited that someone likes me in America. I talk to them about 10 minutes, and then I can see them basing everything. We really need to get back to work now.

Oh, my God. Thank you so much. I bore them to tears. But, you know, it's a them to tears. But, you know, it's a lovely thing. And also, you know, I haven't done a show like this before. So, you know, I wasn't necessarily sure how it was going to go. And also,

I hadn't really... I knew people still liked the show. I guess people who are coming are going to like the show. But I didn't know how much excitement and warmth there would be. And for me, I hadn't performed as those characters in a long time um because it's computers there's no uh Carol Beer opens the first half and Lou from Lou and Andy Andy is on a um is is on a video because I'm like video calling him and and the reaction I get coming out of those characters is amazing I mean

it's this I mean it's almost quite moving. Yeah, you're an absolute legend and I love that that's taken you by surprise. You've obviously managed somehow to keep very humble because when we were in Australia during the show, because you can't watch it in New Zealand obviously, you were

peppering throughout how many incredible celebrities and people that you've met over the years. But that didn't make me sound humble. No, no, no, I know. But it's kind of amazing. I mean, like you've moved in these wild circles for so many years. Well, yeah, but I'm just, you know,

I just like meeting people who I was a fan of. It's very exciting. One of the most mind-blowing ones was I went, oh, God, this is, actually, this is so name-droppery. Oh, no, please. No, but I've opened the door for you to do it. I was going to, I was at Elton John's civil partnership. Wow, so that was Elton John's at the civil partnership.

Wow. This was about 2004, I think. And I walked in and Michael Caine was standing there. Oh, my God. And Michael Caine's like movies that you've watched with your dad. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's like all those amazing movies like The Italian Job and The Crestfile

and Zulu and Man Who Would Be King. And so I grew up with them. And Michael Caine went, you guys, you're like the new pythons. And I was like really overwhelmed. And I said, oh, well, what have you been up to? And he went, we're not talking about me. We're talking about you. Oh, wow.

So it's those things. And to me, it's those people who you've kind of worshipped as a kid, who you've had on a pedestal. Like I also got to meet Roger Moore and become quite friendly with him. And you should Google him. He was James Bond. Anyway, it's just kind of overwhelming when those things happen. And, you know, I'm meeting these people as a fan.

That's what I am. I'm not assuming any status. I'm just thinking, oh, wow, I'm so lucky people as a fan. That's what I am. I'm not assuming any status. I'm just thinking, oh, wow, I'm so lucky to meet these people. And people who were famous when you were a kid who you get to meet are sort of like, they feel like giants to you. They are giants, but they just feel so larger than life. It's very exciting. Well, plenty of Kiwis are going to be absolutely ecstatic

to get to meet you when you arrive here, David. Auckland, Wellington and Christchurch. And you know what? People can just Google for the tickets. They can do. They can Google. Or really you could give out the website. Nah, I think we'll just Google for tickets.

I've given up 10 minutes of my life. Nah. I've got a lot of things to Google after this. How am I going to get that? T-E-G. T-E-G Dainty. Dainty, yeah. T-E-G Dainty.

That's exactly what I was going to say because you've given up so much of your time for us. Yeah. It went gangbusters in Auckland. We've added another show in Auckland. Oh, fantastic. So if you live anywhere near Auckland or you're willing to travel to Auckland

or even if you've never heard of Auckland, but you've heard of Wimbledon, please come and see me in Auckland because you'll get some really good tickets in Auckland because we just added another show. And it'll be the David Williams book show earlier at 3 o'clock and then you kick the kids out and then it's an audience with David Williams from 7.30 that night. Auckland Wellington Christchurch.

Thank you so much for joining us. We really appreciate giving up your time and we'll... Thank you for having me. We'll make sure Fletcher's... I really look forward to seeing you there and will you come backstage after the show? Oh, we would love to. Catch me in my underpants um

might take my mum to the theater we won't see jude lauren a play and remember backstage you see him i've never seen my mum charge up the stairs quick enough the chance of what get out of the dress oh yeah i wouldn't be mad i wouldn't be mad to be I'm sorry. I'm sorry I haven't got my shirt on in one way or another. Oh, so are you Mark out? Yeah, we'll come backstage and catch you in your undies, David. It's not quite like looking at Jude Law in his underpants. No, but you've put the image in our mind, and now that's what I'm expecting.

So go to the gym, please, before you come here, and then we'll get something to look at. Bitchy. All right, guys. Thank you come here. And then we'll get something to look at. All right, guys. Thank you, David. Thanks, David. It's time for Fact of the Day. Day, day, day, day. It's been Native Bird Week here at Fact of the Day

and I couldn't finish Native Bird without covering my favourite New Zealand native bird of all time, but it's extinct. Yeah. The harnessed eagle. Beautiful. Otherwise known as Te Pua Kai. A bird of sort of like Maori legend.

There's cave drawings. When did it go extinct? About 1400. Okay. About 1400 it went extinct. The mower went extinct. It was hunted for food because it was a big, fat, delicious bird that was eating huge drummies.

Yeah, drummies on that thing. Monster drummies. They couldn't even get them out the drive-thru window. No, no, no, delicious bird that was easy. Big, brandy. Yeah, huge drummies. Yeah, drummies on that thing. Monster drummies. They couldn't even get them out the drive-thru window. No, no, no, no. You know, in the Flintstones when they have the big ribs and it flips the car, that was the sort of vibe. Yeah. How big the mower drummies were.

Family pack was just one big drum. Yeah. It was good. But, of course, the arrival of Maori ancestors and spread throughout New Zealand, and it was an easy food source. The old mower, the mower went extinct, and it was an easy food source. The old māua, the māua went extinct, and soon after the Haast eagle fell prey as well

because that was kind of the thing that it had come to eat. Yeah. Early Māori didn't have a non-ease drive-thru. They had to eat what was available. Yeah, they did. So the Haast eagle blew in from Australia. Okay. Yeah.

So heaps of our birds blew in from Australia. I mean, it makes sense. Yeah, but once they got here, they changed dramatically. A lot of them lost the ability to, well, they didn't lose the ability to fly. They chose, the evolution kind of taught them they didn't need to fly, especially with the Haas eagle in the sky. Yeah, they were like, we're hiding down here. So when the Haas eagle arrived in its form from Australia,

it's sort of like ancestor, it weighed a kilogram. Within a million years, it weighed 18 kilograms. Wow. It is the fastest known example of finding its ancestor, seeing how much it weighed, the migration to a new area, and New Zealand does get big birds because

they didn't have any prey. Yep. Nothing hunted the hearth eagle. It was the top of the food chain. Wow. So it just ate and ate and ate and ate and ate. Ate what it wanted. Ate what it wanted. What did it eat? What did it eat?

Mowers. And just anything it could get its hand on. No wonder it went from one to 18 kg. Yeah. I know because it came in, there was just an easy food source and it started as a scavenger. It would just eat other smaller birds

and it got bigger and bigger and bigger. It would take to the skies and it would just be flying with this three metre wide wingspan. Now, have a think about that. Three metre wide wingspan. My car isn't even three metres long. Yeah.

Well, you've got a little car. That's embarrassing. My car, which is a normal sized car, isn't three metres long. Do you reckon? What is a car that's three metres long? We don't really measure cars by long, do we? Unless you're trying to get fit on the inter-islander. Don't they ask you how big your car is? And you're like, I don't know. It's a car. I don't really measure cars by long, do we? Unless you're trying to get fit on the inter-islander

Don't they ask you how big your car is? And you're like, I don't know, it's a car I don't know, Google it Everyone knows that if you drive a truck, you know the height Because you've got to get under the bridges and the non-ease drive-thrus Which, by the way, I've had a couple of seamless mentions Yeah, the show sponsor there, seamless I don't know, I guess you just have to Google a car

And see what the length of Well, how tall am I? It's like two, it's like one and three quarters of me. Okay, so it wouldn't be as long as our Santa Fe. The eagle could go sideways down the Santa Fe and still have a bit of room to hold on. Yeah, yeah. Take out the bonnet and the windscreen though, it wouldn't fit on the roof. Oh God, yeah.

It wouldn't fit just on the roof with its wingspan. An amazing bird. Can I play a sound for you? Okay. I'd like to play you a sound of what the... Wait, what they think it would sound like. This is stupid. Where did he go into a radio station?

Yeah. In 1400. Yeah. No, so this was actually done by some ornithologists. Is that what bird experts are called? I don't know. Ornithologists. I'm some ornithologists. Is that what bird experts do? I don't know. Ornithologists. I'm an ornithologist.

They took its ancestor and then they know what bird larynxes and voice boxes do when you make them bigger, so it stretched it. I don't know if they do. And they made it a little bit deeper. It was on Radio New Zealand. They don't tell lies at Radio New Zealand. They did this with a mummy, right, and they got their voice box. And they 3D printed it and they went through it and it was like.

It was so bad. So this is the sound of... I don't know if we can trust Radio New Zealand. Remember they had the Russian working for them. That's right. You think this is Russian propaganda? It could be Russian propaganda.

And we're thumbing it down our listeners' throats. Guys. Good one. Listeners, if you'll allow me, I would like to thumb a little Russian in you. Oh my God.

Get inside! How dare you! Puss, puss, puss! Quick! Raleigh! Quick! Raleigh! Raleigh, no!

Raleigh wouldn't even be a morning tea for the bird of a size. Oh, I know. It would be a waste of time. It would be like one ration. One ration? Yeah, no one can just have one ration I know. It would be a waste of time. It would be like one ration. One ration. No one can just have one ration. They'd have to have a neighbourhood of cats. Yeah.

And also the latest research on the Haast eagle is that the way it ate, it probably looked more like an eagle with a vulture's head. Want to see it? Ta-da. How terrifying. So they believe they hypothesised it had a bald head because they found moa skeletons at St. Baffin's, which is like one of our best areas for fossils and stuff.

Yeah, at Central Otago. That have got these marks against hip bones and stuff that they said are so deep that a bird's whole head would have needed to be in. So it would grab it. So how it would get a moa is it would grab onto its back and then use its head as a puncturing device. Pump through the head to hit vital organs.

It would get into its liver and it would just put its hooked nose in and just rip the liver straight out. Yum, yum, yum. Eat it while it's still fresh. And then the moa would be like, slowly dying and then it would hit the ground and it would spend a couple of days scavenging it. We need to issue

an apology to everyone who's got a dog in the car. Oh, really? My friend who's in the car with a little shit poo, that again wouldn't be a snack. Not even a snack. Yeah. Not even a pre-bed sweet treat. That sound you played, the dog's freaking out. Oh, no.

Well, that's good, though, because everything else that's, you know, wolf-like of that dog is gone. Yeah. No, remember, it's food. There's a prime or something in the middle of it that knows it's got to keep an ear out for those. Somebody said that bird has a wingspan of two Sabrina Carpenters. It's like two Sabrina Carpenters.

Someone has been listening to the show. We worked out Sabrina Carpenter's 151 tall. She's under five foot tall. The wingspan is worth three metres. You've said two, so we're in. Text of the week. Text of the week.

Trophy. Miniature trophy. Miniature trophy. Miniature trophy. Miniature trophy. And for that, great text. Another good text here.

Someone said, that's impressive. I evolved from 70 kgs to 105 in three months eating nothing but pizza. From J.D. That's beautiful. That's evolution.

That's evolution. That is. That's evolution. I J.D. and Alan. That's beautiful. Evolution. That's evolution. That's evolution. That is. That's evolution. I don't know even what fact I want to touch on. Can I play the sound again for the shit poo? A beautiful bird. Now extinct. The Haas eagle, my favourite New Zealand bird of all time.

May it rest in peace. R.I.P. Rest in peace. Sounded like this. Here it comes. It's coming in. Oh, God. Here it comes It's coming in Oh god I can't imagine that coming from a distance

And just coming in hot Fact of the day Day day day day Play ZM's Fletch, Vaughn and Hayley. Now, regular listeners to the show or people that follow my wife on social media will know that my father-in-law, my father-in-law is living in a little cottage. Yeah, next door.

Yeah. Now, there's a paddock between us. There's a fenced channel. And every morning, around about now, in fact, I should check on the camera, the dogs will be waiting at that gate. And he walks across and he opens that gate and then the dogs run over to his house

and we don't see them again until he puts them back at 4.30 where he every single day texts Sade and says, the dogs are starving. They must be fed their dinner immediately. Okay, right. 4.30 where he every single day texts Sade and says the dogs are starving. They must be fed their dinner immediately. Okay, right. Bless. But that's kind of good.

He plays and looks after them all day. Yeah. They look so happy. When I pulled up to your house not long ago and I saw them on this front little bit, I was like, oh, lord. They've got literally a covered sunny porch for every weather now. Yeah. If it's raining from one direction, they'll go over to his house.

If it's raining at his house, he'll come to our place. So I have noticed, though, that Richie, particularly, Ralph's chonk. Ralph's chonked up a little bit. But the vet also said he needed a little bit more chonk. He was a little non-chonk there. They knew we needed a chonk just a little bit. I have noticed that Richie the Retriever has never had a trouble with being not more chonk. He was a little non-chonk there. We needed a chonk just a little bit. I have noticed that Richard the Retriever has never had a trouble with being not enough chonk.

That's why you rescued him. He was chonk. Yeah. And we got him and continued to remove the chonk. Yeah. Well, I've noticed he's chonked. So I did that thing where I dragged the kitchen scale, our bathroom scales out onto the decking, weighed myself,

which itself was a little chunk of an atomic. I hate having to weigh Rolly like that. Have we chunked a little? And I'm like, well, I'm fully clothed and I've eaten all day and I haven't done a poop. And a phone in my pocket. And I've got a phone in my pocket. Yeah.

I did this recently when I was waiting for a helicopter. He's like, this is, the number you wrote down is significantly less than what I'm seeing now. I'm like, what, you think I put on all this gear to weigh myself at home you're a mad man yeah so I picked up the dog and then weighed myself and then did the odd subtraction

he's about 8 kgs heavier than he should be which on a dog is a lot he doesn't need treats because he finds his own treats in the form of fruit that falls off a tree or animal feces. He's not afraid to eat that. Far out.

He's not afraid to eat that. Them manky eyes. I would say my cat's never had animal feces. So I see it. And it is. Feces. He's chonk because he's getting treats all day. From your father-in-law.

From my father-in-law. Who's what, secretly feeding him? He's secretly feeding them. And then to get them back to our place for dinner. I've seen this because I put a camera there. Yeah. I need a visual proof. I have the proof.

Yeah. Every day when he brings them back across, he gives them two triangle tux biscuits to get them back across. And they apparently have started to refuse to come back to our house unless there's a Tux Biscuit. Oh, so he's trained them. He's training them into this bad behaviour.

You're familiar with the big triangle Tux Biscuits? Yes. And the song. They are the diesel for the working dog. Yeah. From Cape Reanga to the bluff. There's only one thing that's good enough. Yeah, it's Tux.

These dogs are not working. No. They are lazy, lazy dogs. Yeah. And they're getting two tux biscuits as a reward for walking no more than 30 metres.

And then they'll get it and then they'll come and flomp by our door expecting their dinner because you'll remember the text messages he sends every day. They're starving.

Yeah. They're salivating for food they have been without. Yeah. And I've seen him feeding them treats. Why don't you go over to his place and take the biscuits off him? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Confiscate them. You confiscate the biscuits. I was thinking of chaining the gate shut and putting a padlock on it and being like, it's like chaining the fridge because he's technically the fridge. He's just the snack machine for these dogs. Yeah, yeah. And he's chunking them up.

And he's like, no. And he sent a photo to Shardé. He's like, snack machine for these dogs. Yeah, yeah. And he's chunking them up. And he's like, no! And he sent a photo to Shardé. He's like, look how happy and healthy they are. And it's Richie on his back, looking like a big, fat lard ball. And he's like, he's a big, happy, healthy dog. I'm like, no. No, it's bad for them. It's too heavy. It's bad for his legs. It's bad for everything. You can't love them with

food. It's not going to turn out good. So how are you going to mitigate this? How are you going to get it on a diet? Well, I've said there's to be no treats. And if it gets worse, there'll be a chain on the gate. And they won't be going to his house. They'll be staying in our section where there are no treats. He's still feeding them.

I'm not a treats man. He's going to reach over. He's going to come over. He's still feeding them. 100%. 100%. He's a feeder. These are my good boys.

Do you remember those dogs? He had those stupid little terrier things that he had in his place in Raglan. They were like fripples. They were round, weren't they? Yeah. He'd cook himself a signature dish of kidneys and livers and tripe, all amounts of offal, and then he'd feed the dogs the same thing. And he's, sure, that's a wolf's diet,

but these are not wolves. They're hardly even a wolf. They're little handbag dogs. Yeah, they're not even a W of a wolf. Oh, God. So I've got a fat dog, so now I've got to un-chonk the chonk again. Why don't you take him on a run with you?

You run a bit. Get him on the treadmill at City Fitty. Or Anytime Fitty. Take him to Anytime. Do you need to get the dogs a separate membership? Yeah, do I need to get my own membership? Or can he come in on my tag? Well, because my friend who's got a big dog,

I think a Labrador. I think a Labrador or a Golden Retriever. Retriever, the absolute worst. Similar. He's got a treadmill in his house because he's lazy. How long for? He chains the, not chains it, but puts his... Chains the tux.

Puts the, no, puts his leash around the front of the handle and then just sits in and lets him walk all day. He just walks? Yeah, well, my friend Dean just sort of sits on his ass and plays games. It'll work. Seems like a real, that's insulting to the dog. You need to work out, I need to sit here and do nothing and have some treats. And get chunky.

We're going to the quiz. The quiz we go to this is our third year in a row for your kids school, Vaughn E. Yep. Not that we want to go on about our charity.

And we don't want to go on about charity but we did win last year and we came second the year before and so we're going. Our table's theme is pirates.

I'm kind of sulking because, well not sulking but I just can't be bothered. It's too hard. Last year it was Minions and Fletch played Groot. It was perfect. And I think you won Best Dressed. Yeah, we did. Yeah, we did. Best Dressed and the quiz.

People are expecting a lot from you. I'm going with a sexy pirate wench. I don't have anything pirate-y. No, I've got them sorted. I've got you sorted. I've got gold jewellery. We're going to put some gold chains around him. I don't think I've ever worn gold jewellery. Yeah, well to put some gold chains around him. I don't think I've ever worn gold jewellery. Yep, well you are. I've got a shirt

and a waistcoat he could borrow that he could just chuck on like that. I'll undo it a bit so it looks a bit rugged like this. I've got a spare eye patch. If you've got a striped t-shirt you could turn into like a pirate do-rag. Who would do that? Well you could have a do-rag. That's what they wore.

No, today I'm going looking for a pirate hat for Aaron, so I'll get you a pirate hat as well. I've got you sorted. I've got a spare sword. Then you just wear black jeans and some boots with your jeans tucked into it. So if I just turn up in black jeans and boots, you're sorted.

If you just come to my house in black jeans and boots. This is great. This is great. Now I'm coming. I'm so good, you're sorted. Now I'm coming. Now he's all happy and sorted. He's like, I'm so good,'t want to go in and get a costume.

Do you know what? I don't like dress-ups. I love dress-ups. Also, the other thing, because we have a Halloween party, so this is just like, this is an easy one. We've got to do a new couple's costume, because we did a couple's costume last year. No, sorry, sorry. This is going to be really awkward to do

live on the radio, but you know the Halloween party, how Hayley was like, I can't make it. We need to do it on Friday. And they're like, okay, we'll do it on Friday. And now they changed it to Friday to accommodate Hayley and nobody else could make it. So now they've changed it back to Saturday.

So I'm not coming to the Halloween party? So you're not coming. Yeah. Oh, what a shame because I can't make this Saturday either. I was told at the weekend to tell you And I've just told you This really sucks I felt really powerful that I had moved the party from Saturday to Friday

And I felt honoured that the gaggle would do that on my behalf Yeah sorry Okay I'm just going down to my calendar Where is it? Halloween party Delete It's fine Just punch out I don't want to go

But you do But I have to go But you can't Do you want to go To Palmerston North To do 15 minutes Of stand up With Ben Hurley

Yeah 15 minutes Is that all Yeah I think Maybe it's 20 Okay Go

Okay start Go Let's just run your Seats off Next act You know I'm from ZM It's Von Smith Hey

I need a word From the crowd Oh no that's improv You know I'm from ZM. It's Von Smead! Hey! I need a word from the crowd. Oh, no, that's improv. I don't have anything prepared. Penis! Penis? You want to see mine? Oh, no.

If it was Palmerston North, they'd be like, yeah, get it on! Oh, another podcast in the bag. The plastic bag. Are they back? No, no, still banned. Okay. They never left. No, sorry. That's where you Are they back? No, no, still banned. Okay. They never left. No, sorry.

That's where you come in with the line, Vaughan. Boy, man, if you enjoyed that. Okay. Oh, and if you enjoyed it, give us a rating and a review and be sure to tell

all of your friends. God, I need some sleep. Yeah. ZM's Fletch Vaughan and Hayley.