ZM's Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley - Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley's Big Pod - 15th December 2023

Episode Date: December 14, 2023

Aaron Ruined Breakfast  Fletch's Shower Find  Top 6: Places you shouldn't take your Puss  Producer Jared met Santa  Final Rankings: Songs of 2023  Chris-Mass: You!  Hayley's Version!  Fact of the Day Day Day Day Daaaaay!See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

The ZM Podcast Network. The Fleshhorn and Hayley Big Pod. Enjoy a refreshing McCafe iced coffee available only from Macca's. Great things are brewing. Good morning, welcome to the show. Fleshhorn and Hayley, it's two minutes past six. It's our last show of the year. Yes!

I'm devastated. Not a great start to the day. My Land Rover broke down about 50 metres up the road from my house. God. Actually, it's good you broke down so soon. Yes, way better than... And when I say broke down, I just think it's dirty fuel. It just had a tune-up. It just had a tune-up and it always gets a bit

temperamental. The old girl gets a bit temperamental after she's had a couple of lads under the hood. Don't touch me. I'm fine. You know, a woman who smokes ciggies, I need to go to the bloody doctor for a look at me. I'm fine. They go to the doctor and that's when they find out. That's, yeah. Oh'm fine. You know, a woman who smokes ciggies, I need to go to the bloody doctor for a look at me. I'm fine. They go to the doctor and that's when they find out. That's the beginning and the end. So they didn't even make it out of your driveway.

No, I got out of the driveway a little bit up the hill. So when it putted out, I just rolled back down the hill and then pushed it inside the driveway and then shut the gate. How's Sade going to get out? No, it's off the driveway. Oh, I thought you meant you just clogged the driveway. I was like, you're an asshole. Yeah, I was just going to forward out? No, it's off the driveway. Oh, I thought you meant you just like clogged the driveway. I was like, you're an arsehole.

Yeah, I should get a full drive. She can go around. It's going to be fun. It's going to be a fun day, I think. Yeah. This is one of those days in history, the 15th of December, that's chaotic for me. Why? It's nine years ago today, I took some sleeping pills you gave me on a flight from Singapore

to New Zealand. Oh, yes. And passed out on the plane and woke up in my bed at home. He always blames me for this, but it's you were the one that put those sleeping pills in your mouth. No, it was him that mixed it with whatever he mixed it with.

I put them up my bum. There's where you went wrong. That's where you, yeah. I put two. You were thumbing them in. I think I only needed one, but I took two. Right.

And there's your Singapore slings. You only take one Zopla clone and you don't mix it with alcohol. Sloppies! I love a sloppy sloppy. This is literally what it says on the bottle, Vaughn. Right. Well, I didn't have the bottle because you gave it to me in some cigarette papers, as I recall. Yeah.

Yeah. Roll that up, buddy. You take the Zopla. I only take them when I fly. I don't take them all the time like some people do. You'll be gobbling a Zopla today. You take them in, yeah, in a rolly paper or in food. So, because when they touch your tongue, that's what gives you the metallic taste when you wake up. Right, yes.

Yeah. He's a zop gobble. Tell you what. Happy 15th of December. Oh, we know him. 15th of December, yeah. He likes gobbling up some zops. I will be zobling up a zop later.

You're a zop gobble. Absolutely, I will. Hey, speaking of gobbling, I do need to start off the show with a bit of an announcement. Okay. And it is in regards to our planned show brunch. We've had a busy week and we did all want to go out as a show to celebrate, but it was quickly shut down with life problems.

When is the Chinese New Year next year? Why? I think we do a Chinese New Year yum chart to celebrate. Yes, please. And we all bring little red envelopes for my children. I think we should celebrate all the New Years. What? Why do we bring a red envelope for your child?

Well, you give children red envelopes. Do you know any other Chinese children? No, but why do I have to give them envelopes? With money inside. I'm not giving your kids any money. I will take a dump in that envelope. They can have that. They can come over to my house and do some work.

Yeah. What you got? Well, maybe I want you to bring your magnet over and I want the girls to go up and down the driveway and pick up all the nails. Yeah. That's what I want. But then that's a fun job. I wanted to go up and down the driveway and pick up all the nails. That's what I want. But then that's a fun job.

I wanted to do that because it's a fun job. More fun. I'll give you $20. I'll give you a $20 note and an orange juice. Now, so instead, we decided today,

during the show, we're actually going to have a brunch. We've got a little Prosecco. I bought some orange juice. You bought the Prosecco fletch. I've got the croissants with some cheese, some tomatoes.

Eggs. I've got eggs. We've with some cheese and tomatoes and we've got eggs and I bought an electric fry pan. This is great. This is going to be fantastic. Now, I also bought champagne ham, obviously. This is the best thing in a croissant is the champagne ham.

It is better than everything else. For me, the best thing in a toasted breakfast croissant other than chocolate, but I would say for me the best thing in a toasted breakfast croissant, other than chocolate, but we're not going that way. We're going savoury, is the cheese. That's the cheese. We're all about the cheese. We've got cheese.

But you would say, Vaughan, the ham is... The cheese. Yeah, it carries a lot. Yeah, we don't look past the tomato. No, I don't do tomato. Well, because also let's not forget that Carwin's a vegetarian. What's the way? I feel like you said before you had a bad announcement to do with the brunch,

and now you're trying to talk us out of loving ham. Yeah. There's no ham, is there? There's no ham. Do you eat it on the way to work? I didn't eat it. Here's the thing. I cleaned our fridge, right?

Like, our fridge was so hideable. I have to hide food from my husband to be, because if I buy something nice that I plan on eating but not right then, he'll just eat it and then I won't get to eat it. So I hide things in my messy fridge. Now that I'm trying to be a better human being, you would notice the back seat was empty today. I did notice.

Yeah, I did. Don't look in the boot. So I cleaned the fridge and now there's nowhere to hide things. So I put the cheese, the tomato, the orange juice and the ham cleaned the fridge and now there's nowhere to hide things so I put the cheese, the tomato, the orange juice and the ham in the fridge and when I woke up this morning at quarter to four I went to get things

together and the man ate the ham. He's eaten all of it? He's a ham gobbler. Now, there is something about that man that just thrives on the deli meat. If you leave a salami... It's his Italian ancestry. There you go, that's what it is.

It's literally a deli to kiss yourself. There's nothing he loves more than a raggedy bag of ham. Now you need to do what that mum... Some shredded chicken. You know what I mean? Very thinly sliced. You need to do what that mum did online. She went viral. She's got that mixed veggie packet

and that's where she puts her ice creams and her nice bougie like magnums and stuff. as if I'm living with a child. Yeah, so you need to find a container

that he will never touch. Yeah, I'm actually surprised he didn't hoon the pack of croissants that were on the counter. So I apologise guys, we're going vegetarian today

but not vegan so it's not quite as bad. At least there's cheese. We actually have three types of cheese. What time does the dairy over there open? They might have some of that pre- packaged... Packety little ham. I don't know about that. Ham's already processed to smithereens anyway.

We could get some raggedy, you know, perfectly circular ham. Which is how the pig is, right? Perfectly circular. Yeah, it's in the perfectly circular bit of the body. Okay, yeah. I've just never seen a perfectly circular pig. Have you not? It's crazy. And we're not obviously looking at it.

Oh, yes, of course. Perfectly circular. Literally perfectly circular. Once you lop the head off and the arms and legs. That's where we're getting it from. And then that's a perfectly round. Well, we have, because we've decided 7 o'clock is when we're going to start this little brunchy time. We have 50 minutes to find some ham.

There's a name for an early brunch. What's it called? A breakfast. I do not... They get the bruh from brunch. No, you don't lie to me. You're gaslighting me, man. I sent a video of this to you guys yesterday

In our group chat I'm upset that we're even talking about it again It's So yesterday I saw the mankiest thing ever Yes you did Ever Yes I had a swim

I finished and I hit the shower To get rid of the chlorine Of course And that's when I looked down And saw How would you describe this? A myriad? Clump? Clusters.

Clusters. Clumps. Clumps and clusters. Clumps and clusters and more clumps and clusters of pubes. Somebody. Like undeniable pubes. Undeniable pubes. You've seen the video. Yeah, you know when you trim your pubes and they're out of control

and you're using like a razor and it's not like shaving the head. It's just not quite as thick. Yes. Like if you were shaving your head. It's not beard. It's not beard hair. It also doesn't have any mottled to it. Like most beards have a grey and a ginge and a brown and a black.

Yeah, it's just straight up black pubes. Straight up black pubes. And clusters of black pubes. Wiry. Like all in the drain. Who's listening that wants to see it? The video. The video.

Because do you know, I sent it to you guys. I would love a hair expert, a hairdresser, or maybe someone that specializes in it, actually a Martin consultant, to give us a 100% ruling on pube. It's 100% pube. It's 100% pube. I was going to put it up on my story,

but I didn't want to deal with a grossing. It's too gross. You have to ask people if they want to see that. I thought that, yeah. It needs one of those things, you know when it comes up blurry and it's like a sensitive warning? Are you sure you want to see this?

This is the reason why. Yeah. Who has the sheer audacity? The sheer audacity. The sheer audacity to stand. This may be the sheerest of all audacities. By the way, these are open showers. Like there's wood up, or there's like panels against it between each shower.

But the showers in front have no doors. So someone stood there trimming their pubes in an open like bathroom. I've shaved in the showers at the gym before. Yeah. I mean, I'm not super hairy on my legs and pits, but I think I did it when I was off to a laser appointment. You know, you've got to pre-shave. Yeah.

And I think I was like, oh, I packed my razor, but I would never get down to the pubes. If you did have the sheer audacity, wouldn't you clean it up? Yeah, you've got to do the thing where you get a cup, you cup your hands with water and you go. I don't think they were going down the drain. I don't think they were going down the drain. I don't think they were going down the drain. Anything can go down the drain if you stomp it hard enough.

Why, right? Yeah, absolutely. I've mashed many a thing down there. If you finger it down. You've got to finger it down. God, we've all done a chunny in the shower and you've been like, when did I have peas and carrots? Yeah, it's been a while.

And corn. There's always corn, eh? Always corn, eh? Always corn in your shit. Always corn. Where's the last time we had corn? It's been winter. There is an app that has been brought to our attention that I just think is so genius.

We're all going to be hitting the road this summer probably off to bloody RMV or Nan's house. I just downloaded this app and I put it in my house to my parents' house. Well, I just put in my parents, I just downloaded this app and I put it in my house to my parents' house. Ah. And if I'm taking the chimney, it's going to cost me $40 one way. Yeah, this is how the app works.

This is what it does. You've kind of jumped into the middle there, Quentin Tarantino. No, it was good. It's a Christopher Nolan. The woman was Prattling on and it was good to just cut to the chase. The woman.

Now, if this was Tarantino, we're going to need to see some feet. My feet have green paint on them. That's what I told you. Does he always show feet in his movies? He loves a woman's foot. Uma Thurman's foot. Margot Robbie's dirty feet.

And Dusk Till Dawn. Yeah. Herman George Clooney. Have you ever seen Dusk Till Dawn? They stumble into this bar in New Mexico and it turns out when the sun goes down, they're all vampires. And Salma Hayek's in it. Yeah.

1990 Salma Hayek. And don't get me wrong 2023 Salma Hayek. 2010. He cast her as a stripper that was doing a lap dance for him and she poured champagne down her leg and he sucked it off her foot. He wrote, directed and starred

in that role. My man. I'm just going to show you Salma Hayek in the film. Okay, yeah. My man. I'm just going to show you Salma Hayek in the film. Oh, yeah. Like she is just everything. Anyway, so this app is... Now you're up to Central America today. I don't want you to be careful.

Yeah, there are women like that out here. If you go into a bar and you're like, this seems too good to be true, it could be the dusk till dawn situation. Could be. Now this app's called Road Trip and what you do is you put in your destination. Now we've're like, this seems so good to be true. It could be the dusk till dawn situation. Could be. Now, this app's called Road Trip. And what you do is you put in your destination.

Now, we've done like, there's apps like that, right? Where you're just putting in destination. It's like, maybe it'll cost you this much. The difference is that you put in your specific license plate. Yeah. So mine would be Kool K3W1. Yeah. Well, don't give out your license plate.

G-L Cool baby. That's me. And you put that in and then it tells you the cost, what it'll cost you for fuel based on your car. So because you're putting in your licence plate, it gets

your make and model. Way more specific. Right, and then so it works out based on the car's efficiency. The specific fuel efficiency of your car with the distance and it will give you the most cost-effective route for your journey and a number for you to budget how much it's going to cost. Is there a little toggle there for having a heavy foot like yourself? Well, here's the theory.

I remember watching this on, what's the show? Mythbusters. The car show. Top Gear. Top Gear. The theory behind, are you better to go slow and low? If you're running out of fuel, they did a fuel light. They had a fuel light on.

Slow and low or like hard and fast. Like try and get as far as you can. And hard and fast, lost for sure. Yeah. Because you were just like cranking the engine, what if you just like gently got there. So yeah, it would be good. Maybe this is some feedback for road trip.

Yeah. That they could have a section if you're like Nana Drive, kids in the car, lead foot. You could also use this to see how much it costs just to get to work. And then charge it back to the company. You know what's... Oh, my God, perfect. Or just if you're looking for a flat,

you can work out where your new flat is compared to work. Yeah. And then see what it's going to cost a week. And then a place closer to work might be $20 more expensive, but then you see the fuel. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's always out to save money.

Always out to save money. Always pinching pennies. This is confronting though. Now I've put the Jimny in. Be warned, unless you want to pay for a premium membership, which is 99 cents a month, you can only choose one car.

And then you're kind of locked into that car. That's all right. So I put the Jimny in to take to my parents. $40 one way. Let's make it a round trip. $79. Nice. Saved a dollar there Let's make it a round trip. $79. Nice. Saved a dollar there somewhere.

This is the confronting part. It tells you your carbon emissions. Driving the Jimny to my parents' place in back, I would have 60 kilograms of carbon dioxide emissions. Oh, my God. 60 kilograms. That's a person. That's why I don't have a car.

I was like, is it a person? That's why a bicycle everywhere. Half of a... Yeah, half of a small person. A person and some change. So you've got to plant some trees then every time you go to your parents. Isn't that wild? I actually own heaps of trees.

I won't be shamed. I'm going to have a look. This is interesting. I'm going to have a look how many of my carbon emissions are going to work. Don't do that. You'll feel bad every day of what you're pumping out there. Do you know what? That's the problem with climate change is we don't want to look it in the face.

Yeah, Vaughan. Okay, here we go. It costs me $5.29 to get to work. Yeah. It's quite a lot. Yeah, per trip. So that's each day is like $11 I worked out how much I spent on petrol

8kgs of carbon emissions me driving my Mazda Every day to work 40kgs over the week 40kgs That's my thigh That's one of my least worth of emissions Every week Let's vote in Haley Play ZM's Fletchford and Hayley.

Play ZM's. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah, blah. This is the Top Six. Oh, hey there. Oh, hi, how are you? I'm good, and you? Okay, that's really good to hear. Hi.

A man has been photographed with a cat in a national park. No, no, no, no, no, no. It's naughty. $800 instant fine. Do you think it's because people know you don't take dogs into a national park and they don't have signs

saying no cats because they don't think people are going to put a cat on a leash or take a cat in there? It's ridiculous. Yeah, could go without saying, eh? Yeah.

Don't bring your cat here. I mean, don't bring your cat most places. They're domestic. They want to stay at home. It should go without saying. Almost needs to be removed as a saying. Because everything needs to be spelt out nowadays, it feels like. Yeah, true.

I sound like an old curmudgeon when I say that. Goes without saying. There's always been dumb asses around. Yeah. So there was actually a study recently done that the cats eat more than anything. Yeah, dude. What are you doing? Shut up.

Cats are worse than like possums and rats. I love cats as well. But yeah, they eat more species than any other predator on Earth. Don't say it. If New Zealand was like cat ban, I'd be like, fine. No. No, I'd leave. Your cats die out.

I'd leave, same. Your cats die out. You aren't allowed a new one. You're allowed what Your cats die out, you aren't allowed a new one. You're allowed what you've got, but you're not allowed a new one. It's just us with our cats on the plane going to Australia. Yeah. Screw you. Yeah.

And then your cats are like, oh, no, the birds over here are bigger. And an emu's like, over here, I eat you. The only species my cat eats is my couch. And that's it. It's an endangered species, though. There's only one of them. So the man was photographed with a cat in a national park. Ridiculous.

I've got the top six places you shouldn't be taking your puss. Number six on the list, the movies. Don't take your puss to the movies. Don't take your puss to the movies because it might be sitting on your lap now, but it's going to want to go out and then it's going to sit at the door and go. Oh, how cool if you had a cat on your lap for a movie. At the movies. It'd be horrible. It'd be great. It'd be horrible because you can't move.

You can't sit still for too long. You'd need one of those loungers, that's for sure. Yeah, have your legs a lounger. Number five on the list of the top six places you shouldn't take your puss. The local rugby club changing rooms after a big win by the boys. Okay, why? It's too noisy. Oh yeah, they Okay, why? It's too noisy.

Oh yeah, they'd freak out. It's too noisy, your cat would freak out and want to get out. Don't take your puss anywhere near them. Number four on the list of the top six places you shouldn't be

taking your puss. On a first date, to McCafe. Oh yeah, great, yeah, great. Yeah, yeah. A great place for a first date.

It's actually seamless. I don't know if they want- To enjoy a refreshing McCafe iced coffee available only for Mac is great things of brewing. seamless. I don't know if they want... To enjoy a refreshing McCafe iced coffee available only for Macca's Great Things of Brewing. Yeah, I said that, but that's okay. Thank you. Earn my Macca's reward points with every barista-made McCafe iced coffee.

I can do all three. No, we've had enough. It's refreshing barista-made iced coffees available from your local McCafe. Enjoy one today. But no, you should not take your cat there. You shouldn't take your puss there, no. No, they don't want the puss. Absolutely not. Number three on the list of the top six places you shouldn't be

taking your puss. Do the work Christmas party. Yeah. Shouldn't be around that many drunk people. The cat will freak out. It'd be good though to get out of awkward conversations. Yeah. Oh, I've got to go. The cat's playing. Yeah. Poor, poor bloody. Alright, Raleigh, yeah, we're getting in the car. Come on. Poor bugger's

freaking out. I don't know what's wrong with him. We better go get in the car. Number two on the list of the top six places you shouldn't be taking your puss. Mars. The planet. Why? But if we're going to Mars, I'm taking my puss. Yeah, because don't we have to be on the spaceship for like six months?

I want to have a cat for six months on the spaceship. Imagine if that was the one. They're like, you are the perfect candidate for the trip to Mars. We believe you are going to be the first human to step foot on the red planet. Wow, thanks. Can I take my cat? No. I'm not going then.

You're the perfect candidate. No, I'm not going without my cat. No, thanks. Or a bar and some friends. Yeah. You are far from the perfect candidate. And number one on the list of the top six places you shouldn't be taking your puss, Kelly Tarleton's.

Oh, yeah, because of the smorgasbord. It'll nom up everything. It'll have a penguin. It'll have one of those big-ass kingfish. That's like Valentine's under the sea for a cat. Under the sea. That is today's top six. ZM's Fletchvorn and Hayley.

Fletchvorn and Hayley's silly little pose. Silly Little Pole. Do you kiss your... Do you kiss your... Do you kiss your friends on the mouth? Today's silly little poll. Do you kiss your... Do you kiss your... Do you kiss your friends on the mouth? On the lips? When you meet them, greet them? Not like passionately. Just like...

Yeah. Hi, darling, how are you? Always. On the cheek. It's on the cheek. On the cheek is a kiss. And if you see someone every day, you don't need to kiss them.

No. No, I don't kiss you guys on the mouth. So we see each other all the time. So we don't need, you don't need to kiss them. No. No, I don't kiss you guys on the night. So we see each other all the time. So we don't need to. We don't even really greet. Yeah. Yeah, I don't like. I might let you hug me when I say goodbye today.

Yeah. Because I won't see you for four weeks. I'm going for five hugs. You get a big one. Yeah. You'll get a big one, Vaughn. Even though I'll probably see you literally tonight or tomorrow. The producers, you're all getting a big cuddle.

I've got a thumbs up from Jared. That's good. Do you kiss? No, it's not with that candle. Your mates. Yeah. No, that's weird is the number one response at 55%. Yeah, see, I think it's weird.

Or is it a New Zealand thing? It's a New Zealand thing. I think it might be an actor thing. I think it's like an extrovert actor thing. 40% on the cheek for sure. 5% yes on the lips. But you said all of our friends do this on the mouth. I've never seen them kiss you on the mouth.

No, they do. Yeah, I kiss Shorty on the mouth. There's a few of them in that group. Really? My friends Tim and Ty. Yeah. Tim, a heterosexual man. Yeah.

His partner Ty, we kiss on the mouth. They kiss Aaron on the mouth. It's an actor thing, or a gay, or an actor thing. He's got such a high mouth. Yeah, big mouth, you've got to reach for it. Aaron will have to come down for the mouth, and everyone else will have to go up to the mouth. I would say I kiss the majority of my friends on the mouth.

My best friends, my closest friends, my marching friends, all of them. Goodness me. You two, I don't kiss on the mouth. You're actually the... What's the word? Anomaly. We're the minority. Kathy says, I've

got the best mates, obviously. 30 plus years of love to acknowledge every time we see each other, so it's a kiss on the mouth. I love them by just hanging out with them. Johnny says, I wish. Now, if you know Johnny, if you're mates with Johnny, give him a kiss on the mouth. I love them by just hanging out with them. Johnny says, I wish. Now, if you know Johnny, if you're mates with Johnny, give him a kiss on the mouth. Is it your Johnny? Nah, it's not my Johnny. Kiss him on the mouth.

Kiss your Johnny on the mouth anyway. I don't know if he'd like a kiss on the mouth. I don't know. It might be a bit weird about it. Yeah, once you get started, get your hand run on that butt. Yeah. You've seen why that guy's packing back there. That is a dumper.

That is a hell of a dumper on a dude. It's ice skater dumper. Ice hockey dumper. Moana says, sometimes on the lips, mostly on the cheek. Every single time I see them, I love my mates

and it's a blessing every time we hang out even though every brain cell dies when we're together. Blah. All my besties send each other sexy nudes on Snapchat. Not weird. What? Okay, that wasn't the question.

I mean, I can't say it. I was about to do a little spoiler for something I was doing yesterday. But let's just say I was with a friend and we were in a very intimate situation and we were taking photos and all sorts and sharing them around. Kat said no because we didn't go to drama school. No is a bad name, obviously.

Okay. Yeah. That feels correct. Lips and cheeks, why not show the boys some love, says Justice. Okay.

Not my friends, says Georgia. Not my friends that I see all the time, but maybe for friends who live far away, I'll give them a wee kiss on the cheek when saying

hello, goodbye for a long time. Not on the mouth. Oh my God, the worst is when you're somewhere and a girl's got lipstick and they give you it on the cheek. Oh no Not on the mouth. Oh, my God. The worst is when you're somewhere and a girl's got lipstick and they give you it on the cheek. Oh, no, no, no.

I'll do you worse. The makeup on the shirt. Oh, my God. I try to be conscious of, like, hugging people and then turning your face away so your makeup doesn't get on them. Actually, I've started at weddings, I have a little silk sheet I put on my shoulder.

For the ladies. And then that way they can come in for a hug and not... What a gentleman. He pulls out his pocket square and goes, the lady, please. The lady. He puts it over like a spew bib. Yeah, yeah. And then you can give him a cuddle. 100%. Jessica says, my group of friends are so close

whenever we get drunk, sometimes even sober now, we all lip kiss each other. COVID slowed us down for a bit, but we're back on the mouth smooches. Okay, cool. I don't think it's weird if a friend kisses me on the cheek, says Alicia. I don't give a F. Okay, but what about on the mouth? But it doesn't come naturally

for me to do it to others. Yeah. So she's the submissive there. She will be kissed. That's what I sell a little pocket out there. Smooch your friends, tell them you love them. Play ZM's Fletch, Vaughn and Hayley. I haven't been for a visit She will be kissed. Think of that today. Sell a little pole. Get out there. Smooch your friends. Tell them you love them. Play ZM's Fletch, Vaughn and Hayley.

I haven't been for a visit to the Man in Red yet. I did think about it the other day when I was in the St. Lucas. Oh, yeah. I was like, I wonder if I could do that. That's a patron saint of malls. Patron saint of malls. And I wasn't sure if, because I was on my own, it wasn't going to be either cute. Or funny.

Or funny. It'd just be sad. It'd be sad. So I didn't go. But apparently, producer Jared paid a bit of a visit yesterday. Yeah, I went to the Smith & Coe Santa Forest thing. Oh, you went top tier. Magical.

Why? I don't know what I did, given that I am the heir to the Smith & Coe's fortune. Well, the Smith half. I don't know what I did, given that I am the heir to the Smith & Co's fortune. Well, the Smith half. I don't know what I did, but I've not been invited the last couple of years. But your kids are too old. You're never too old for the magic of Christmas. You're never too old.

Well, Fletch is too old now. Is that why? That's why he's over it. You know why? The matter's gone. He's not even having a Christmas. He's like in the air. But at least Vaughn can go to a Santa.

Yeah, with her child. Why are you going? My friend Sam hit me up and he said, hey man, I'm taking my daughter to Santa. Do you want to come? And I was like, oh. Weird thing to bring a friend along to. Yeah.

I don't know. We just don't hang out as much. Were you worried that you'd look like two gay dads? Not that there's anything wrong with that. Well, we did. You both did. You did. Yeah.

The people taking the photo were like, come on, dad. Do you want to hop in? I was like, oh, no, no, I'm not. I'm not gay. I'm not gay. No, we're just friends, man. I'm not gay. We've just got a kid together.

No, no, homo. No, we're going to live together forever and spend our internal happiness together. I'm not gay. Oh, we kissed and stuff. I thought it was not gay. It's not gay. I'm not gay. Yeah, so, and stuff. I thought it was not gay. I'm not gay. Yeah, so, yeah, jump to the end of the story.

Oh, right, so I just ruined the ending. So did you jump in the photo with your gay family? Yes, I ended up doing that. And we got a lovely family photo. It was real funny. Halfway to Santa, I was pushing the pram, and Sam, like, pops down and looks at his daughter Ella and he goes, oh, oh, you've taken your, what are the site, pigtails? Pigtails.

Yeah. He said, oh, you've taken your pigtails out. And he was real disappointed, but not because like, oh, now you've got messy hair for a photo. But I could tell he worked real hard to put those pigtails up. Oh, dude, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you never, I can never do it as good as mum. You've got to get the a photo, but I could tell he worked real hard to put those big toes up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I can never do it as good as mum. You've got to get the little line at the back straight,

otherwise they look raggedy. Yeah, it was just real wholesome seeing the bro do the dad stuff. There's some beautiful wholesome gay content. Yeah, gay content. That's what I'm bringing to the show from now on. Wholesome gay stuff. Wholesome gay stuff. One of us has to, you know.

Yeah. I've always said there's too much outright dirty gay content on the show. It's interesting because you normally bring that. Yeah, I know. No homo. No homo.

We're just mates. Not gay. Today for Final Rankings, we're going to rank our favourite songs to 2023. Yeah. I mean, straight out the gate, I'm going to take Fallout Boys cover of Billy Joel's We Didn't Start the Fire. Because that's our number one, clearly. You've got a late entry. There's so much hate for that song, eh? You have so much hate for that song.

Yeah. Beautiful. Yeah. Beautiful. Yeah. It's not my favourite. I know my favourite song of the year. Rush? Yeah, Rush. By Troye Sivan.

Yeah, 100%. Mine has changed a lot. Yeah, you do thrash it. Yeah, thrash that album. Do you know what I mean? Get a personality. Every time we're at your house, oh, look, Troye Sivan's on. Yeah, it's a good album, okay?

Mine's definitely changed because when Miley Cyrus dropped Flowers, I remember the first time we played it, we all sat here and we went, that's a good song. That's a good song. And I thrashed that as well. And that was in my, like, one of my top played songs of the year. Yeah, same. So maybe that would be number two for me.

Oh, you've got to, I mean, I know you're going to really go hard on Olivia Rodrigo here, Vaughn. Avon. Yeah. Well, she's on my list. Vampire ruled. When that came out,

it was just like a bloody absolute banger. Revolution. I loved it. Yeah. So she, I would say Vampire's definitely up there for me. I've got Paint the Town Red by Doja Cat. Yeah, that ruled. That was a ruled song.

Water by Tyler. Yeah. Came later in the year, but that was great. David Kushner, Daylight. I don't know if we ever played that, but I like that song. What about that? What's that new one that your wife has been has been thrashing that i like as well because you know i'm in my country era you're in your country season noah khan yeah no get a grip what do you mean get a grip oh you might want to play something for you it's too depressed so we

need it up we need it light bright dance by Dua Lipa is on my list. Yeah, that rule. Oh my God, yes, of course. That was a big, that was a Barbie. Stay the night away. Massive song. Yeah, great song. Olivia Rodrigo, I had Vampire and Bad Idea Right.

And Kill Bill by SZA. Yeah, actually, how often does Olivia Rodrigo play though? And we go, thank God for Olivia Rodrigo. She's doing something very exciting. The ladies of heavy metal. Yeah, no Luke Combs thank God for Olivia Rodrigo. She's doing something very exciting. The ladies of heavy... No Luke Combs fast car for you, which is surprising. Oh, man, it's just teetering on the edge of my list. Yeah.

Yeah, right. That's all right. I mean, there's been some... I mean, I'm not going to submit Metallica's Lux Eterna, but I do encourage a good listen. But I think Olivia Rodrigo killed it this year

you're branching outside of your pop purview there yeah I know I know I know I was really keen to get it on here but it didn't quite get there I think we can all agree

Olivia Rodrigo killed it this year yeah absolutely Troye Sivan Doja Cat SZA Olivia Rodrigo Dua Lipa Dua Lipa

Dua Lipa Yep Lot of heavy lifting there I'm sorry is there By the pop Are there feminists in the room? Big ally over here Are there feminists?

Yeah Big ally over here Okay if we had to put our money on The best song of the year Would it be Olivia Rodrigo? She's on my list She's on my list My top three is very sort of like

Could go any, any. I had Doja Doer and Olivia. Doja Doer, Olivia. Doja Doer, Olivia. You wanted to do Rush, don't you? It's your number one song. It's mine. But then the top song that was on Spotify for the year was Flowers, Miley.

That had 1.6 billion streams globally. Yeah, great song, but... Kill Bill from SZA was in second and Harry Styles, as it was, was third. Oh, he's not even on my list. I loved the album at the time,

but we've also had it for longer. Yeah, it was also out the year before, wasn't it? Yeah, I feel like it was out last year. Actually, Carly Rae Jepsen did some good music this year. Did she? Yeah, what was that cool song? What was that song?

Oh, look, you'll never beat that. Never beat Call Me Baby. It was a disco-y song. Yeah. Well, does it matter? Yes, we have to come to a unanimous conclusion. Yeah, just choose anything. I don't really...

What about Padam Padam? No. Kylie Minogue. No. No thanks. Okay, I'm going to go one Olivia Rodrigo Bad Idea Right. Two Julie Badance the Night. Not Vampire. I would have thought you would have gone Vampire would have been before. No.

Vampire. Yeah, no, Bad Idea is better. Bad Idea Right. And Paint the Town Red third oh yeah forgot about that too it was a good song let's not forget I covered it as well

I mean that was yeah iconic nearly as iconic speaking of which is there a Hayley's version today after 8 o'clock because you have been

furiously working away behind the scenes at a possible Hayley's version after 8 o'clock won't be my best. And it may not be finished. It'll be finished.

Do you know what? It'll be finished. But you wouldn't have practised it. Usually I would put more time aside. She's a busy girl, but the sexy male woman will deliver. Can we say it's happening? She will deliver. Fantastic. Hey, Little Boo Thing is not on my top three.

Close though. Only because it's a minute and a half long. We have been all this week running our Chrismas. Yes. We amassed a massive Chris's for Chrismas.

Famous Chris's. Chris Parker. Chris Warner. Chris Warner. Christine Smith. Christine Smith. Chris Warner. Chris Warner. Christine Smith. Chris Mack. And today, you're not going to believe this. Chris Hemsworth.

Has pulled out. Has pulled out. Because he rang Carwin and was like, I can't do it. I can't do it, Carwin. And then Carwin was like, Chris, you're letting me down. We've really hyped this up. And so he said, here's the number for Chris Pratt. Yeah.

And then Chris Pratt was like, no, I was at an event with Chris Hemsworth, and I caught his cold. Oh, yeah. And then we were like, well, surely you know Chris Evans. And then he was like, nah, he was there. It was a super spreader event. So the whole thing. For Chris's.

So here's what I'm proposing. Do you think that Carwin's lying about that whole thing? No, this is the young. Carwin can't lie. She's got the implant. Okay. She does. She's got the implant. Okay. She does. She's got the implant.

Shock every time she lies. Yeah. So I've got a bit of an idea for our fifth caller on Christmas. Okay. Our favourite Chris's of all. Our listeners. Oh, okay. If your name is Chris...

Stay tuned, listener. Christine. Yep. We may be talking to you. We may need you very soon. We may need you because soon we may need you because Chris Hemsworth he pulled out

oh god we've got a fry pan in the studio that's literally on the lowest heat let's take that outside we were going to cook eggs in the studio

I thought it would be charming to listen to me talk and also cook eggs at the same time but those electric fry pans only do haul off yeah

it's pretty much you're always like what are you doing the dialing means nothing it means nothing fry pans only do haul off. Yeah, that's pretty much. You're always like, what are you doing? The dial, it means nothing. It means nothing. Is that? The dial,

it means nothing. Is that another Arnold? I have been working on it ever since Vaughan shot me in the face. Okay, you can use our

holiday break the next four weeks to really hone it. Yeah, I'm going to go crazy for four weeks and work on this and work on my biceps.

Yesterday, a little incident with my cat, Major Murray Fluffington, who's now three and a half years old. That's cute. Happy birthday. What's three and a half? Three and a half. Happy three and a half year birthday. Well, what do parents say?

They just do the months, eh? So he'd be like three and a half. Three and a half and another six. My 42-month-old. Oh, my 42-month-old little kitten. He's grown up so much. And you wouldn't say his name. You would say Mr. 32-month-old. Mr. 32-month-old. Mr my 42 month old little kitten. He's grown up so much. And you wouldn't say his name you would say Mr. 32 month old.

Mr. 32 month old. Mr. 42 month old. But no he does this thing where like he starts to want food about three. Three o'clock. And I feed him like 4.30. In the afternoon. And I always wait until then. But when I'm working. No in the mornings right? I feed him in the morning before work at like

4.30 yeah. But in the afternoon, he'll start to like, you know, give me some attention. And so I'll be working at my desk with my desktop computer and he will quite often jump up and either sit on the mouse or sit in front of the screen and just be like, feed me. But yesterday, there was a lot to do. I'm packing because I'm leaving today. A lot to organise. And he stands in front of the computer screen i can't see i'm just like not

today mate and so with my hand i kind of tap tap him to to move and i tapped kind of on his bottom oh no and it squirted shit everywhere i did not think that's where this was going. Earlier in the week did I touch a gland or something? Did I milk my cat's anus? You milked the anal gland.

Like what did I do? That is so gross. It was. It was so gross. Was it the smelliest thing you've ever smelled? No. You had this mad

fingernail hand before and it was going to catch your hands all over it. Catch your hands. No it was like literally like tap tap tap

and then it went. Oh, no, that's not it. Because the anal gland thing where they've got to clear it for dogs. That's when they squeeze it the way. You will never smell anything like it. I don't want to know that. I was just like. And like luckily it just missed everything on the desk and just landed on the desk.

And I just spray and wiped and cleaned, spray and wiped and cleaned. And I was like- Hang on, what do you mean? Was it like a wet- It was like a wet squirt of poo. Because your cat does lovely logs. Yeah, it does lovely logs. I know, that's why I was like, did I like-

Lovely little logs. Did I like that? My logs. My lovely little logs. Check it out. My friends that house sit or look after my cat are always like, hey, I've been meaning to ask Is your cat okay because it's a human sized shit

Yeah it does a human sized shit It's a little tight butthole But like what happened And I was just like tap tap And I always do that I'm like tap tap Just to get him away But his tail was up I went tap tap And I must have slipped and hit his noose

And it went... That is crazy. I mean, I was grossed out, but also just like, what just happened? What did he do? Did he get a fright? No, he was just like... I shat myself. Keep going.

I did. I shat myself. It's like that rumour every high school had about the party. Yes. Where the parents came home mid different lovemaking. Yeah, right. And there was a big sposh. Yeah.

But you with your cat. Yeah, wild, eh? I was just like, okay, won't be doing that again. I'll be picking him up. Oh, no, don't squeeze him. Pat, pat. He's got a magic touch, man. I'm almost jealous.

I've got to say. Next on the show, it's our Chris Mass, our last one. Play. ZDM's Fletch Vaughan and Hayley. Last Christmas, I gave you my Chris. But the very next Chris, you Chris me a Chris. This Chris, to save me from Chris. Now that little jingle is so iconic. I think we have to Christmas every Christmas.

Honestly. I think we can't even get to Friday. I don't know how you want to do a whole other week of this next year. Look, we shot for the stars. We had Chris Hemsworth, Chris Pratt, Chris Evans, and Christopher Pine all lined up, ready to go, and they happened to have their own Chris Mass and got collectively a flu.

This is what I've been told by producer Carwin. Well, I think they've all ignored us. Then we went to Christina Aguilera, and she said, hey! I can't make it. And so here's my pitch, is that we amass the biggest mass of Chris's yet and get anyone listening, call Chris. Yep.

To call all the hundred dolls in him. Or Christine. Or Christine. Or Christina. Or Chrissy. I'm messaging in, I'm Mary, Chris, Chris, my name is Chris, and my wife is Chrissy. You've got to double Chris there. Oh, we've got to get them on. We'd love to talk to Mary, Chris, Chris, my name is Chris and my wife is Chrissy. You've got a double Chris there.

Oh, we've got to get them on. We'd love to talk to you, Chris and Chrissy. If we can get a double Chrissy. A double Chrissy. So you would like right now as many Chris, Christine's. Chris, Christine's, Christopherson's. Oh, what about if the last name's Christopherson's? No, first name, Chris.

Okay, no last names. What if the last name's Christopher? Well, if their first name, Chris. Okay, no last names. What if the last name's Christopher? Well, if their first name's Chris, they can play a bit. If they're Chris Christopher or Chris Christopherson, that's fine. That's acceptable. That's two points. First name, Chris, of some variation.

0800 dials at M. Text her as well. There's a Chris on the line. Good morning, Chris. Good morning. Good morning, Chris. How do we know that you're a Chris and you're not just Trying to take advantage

Of this moment To get on the radio I don't Well I don't know How I can prove that But yeah I'll

You sound honest I mean You sound honest You sound honest As long as the day is long You do sound honest Chris why do you Do you know the story

Behind being named Chris No I wouldn't have a clue I think my parents hated me I'm not sure Yeah Are you a Christopher Shortened to Chris Yeah Christopher Yeah No, I wouldn't have a clue. I think my parents hated me. I'm not sure. Yeah. Are you a Christopher? Shorten to Chris.

Yeah, Christopher. Yeah. Maybe Christopher Robin. Could have been named after one of the Pooh's friends. Better than being named Eeyore. Yeah, what are the plans for Christmas, Chris? Heading to Alexandria. Oh, beautiful. It's going to be 30 degrees there today.

Yeah. Shut up. What is Helen Central Otago at the moment? It's beautiful this time of year. Oh, my gosh. I want to do that cycle thing between... I've done a little bit of that. Yeah, and Cromwell.

I'm hoping to get all the way to Dunedin eventually. Is that where you're from, Chris? No, I'm from Otago. Oh, lovely. You drive safe on those mad, mad roads and be good. Be a good boy. Be a good boy, Chris. Be a good boy.

Merry Christmas, Chris. Fantastic. Love you. On the phone, we've got... We've got... I believe we've got Chrissy and Chris. Yeah.

Good morning. This, I assume, is Chrissy at the Chris and Chrissy collab? Chris and Chrissy. Yeah. Merry Chrissy. Now, have you ever opened anyone's...

Like, Chrissy, have you ever opened Chris's mail thinking it was for Chrissy or vice versa? Every day. Every day I do it. I hate it. It'll be confusing.

Are your middle initials the same or are they different? No, no. I'm Christine Angela. He's Christopher Thomas. Oh, beautiful names. But what about if a friend yells out Chris and it's both of your friends, but do you know which one they're calling out? It feels like maximum confusion, doesn't it?

Oh, no, no. Chris and Chris are usually. Okay. Whenever we go to parties, people never forget who we are. Here's one for you. Is it Chris or Chris? Oh! You said the

female first and the male second. Wrong. Ah! Damn you, Chris. Merry Christmas to the Chris's. Yeah, Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, guys. Love you, Chris.

It would be confusing during lovemaking, wouldn't it? Good morning, Chrissy. Go, Chris. Nice moves, Chris. Love you. It'd be confusing during lovemaking, wouldn't it? It would. Good morning, Chrissy. You're a real egomaniac, Yeah, you are, Chris.

Go, Chris. Nice moves, Chris. Good morning, Chrissy. Oh, hi.

Hello. Good morning. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Yeah. Hello. Hello. Merry Christmas.

That's us. Yeah. Oh, hi. Hi. Hi. I don't know what else we do.

Do you have anything to plug, Chris? Are you doing anything exciting you want to tell us about? No, not really. Yeah, I love that simple life. Have you done all your Christmas shopping? Yes. Good.

You can count on Chris for Christmas. Remember they say simple life, simple wife. Yeah. That's one. No, it's, yeah, okay, well, Chris is a fan. Are you a simple wife? She's a simple wife. It's terrible.

I am but a simple wife. Merry Christmas, Chrissy. Thank you. Love you. Thank you. Love you. Love you. Bye.

Are we saying love you to all the corners now? Our love to the kids. Our love to the kids. Okay. Chris. Hello, hello. Are you a Chris with a K? I am a Chris with a K.

How do you spell your Chris? K-H-R-Y-S-S. Oh, you'd never find that on a novelty card. I would have said Chyrus. Yeah, oh, I get it all. Chyrus, yeah. Is that associated with a culture or were mum and dad just like, we just want to be different?

I don't know. I think my mum wanted to be a bit different, but she hailed from the Philippines, and I mean, fellow names be different. I don't know. I think my mum wanted to be a bit different, but she hails from the Philippines, and I mean, fellow names be like. Fellow names be like, hey, we were invaded. Yeah.

Hey, the Spanish came in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, things got real mixed up there. Honestly, I want to say worldwide. Filipinos love Christmas, don't they?

Oh, we're crazy. Christmas and the carpenters. Oh, so're crazy. Christmas and the Carpenters. Oh, so good. Do you love the Carpenters? Yeah, I don't actually know. Is it Karen Carpenter? Yeah. Why do Filipinos love the Carpenters? They love basketball, the Carpenters, and Christmas. Are you just basing this on your two Filipino friends? I've got many Filipino friends, and they

all love Christmas, the Carpenters, and basketball. Okay, do you love basketball, though? Um, questionable. Yeah. It's okay. It does sound like Hayley was being very sweeping and generalising there. Am I making general statements about Filipino people?

It does sound like it. What do you, curiosity, because I love Filipino food, what do you have at Christmas? What's on the menu? Oh my gosh. Well, I am mixed, so I mean, just pretty much have a Kiwi Christmas.

Yeah. We always got to bring in some sort of adobo or rice. I mean, what is Christmas without rice? Rice is the best carbohydrate. I've never had rice on Christmas in my life. I've never had rice. Never. Oh man, you are missing out. It's right down the bottom of the Christmas carbs for me. You've got tatoes, you've got Yams,

you've got Kumara, you've got bread. Yep, yep. Rice is... I mean, rice is top tier. Rice is top tier. You need a rice to do it. Hey, Chris.

Chris. Mahau kita. Oh, mahal kita. Mahau kita. Oh, did you? You just Googled that, didn't you? Yeah.

It's love you. It's love you. Is it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. There you go. Ili, Chris. Ili. Merry's our lady though. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There you go. Ellie, Chris. Ellie. Merry Christmas.

Ellie, Ellie. Merry Christmas. Love you. We've got a Christina. Good morning, Christina. Welcome to Christmas. Morning, how are you? Great, thank you.

Love you, Christina. Just want to get that straight out the gate. Love you. Love you. Oh, we love you too. We love your show. Oh, thank you, Christina. Merry Christmas.

What's on the menu at your house on Christmas Day? So we've got family visiting from South Africa, so we're going to take them to the South Island and show them the South Island and everything. Oh, nice. And just do day trips, and they're here for five months, so we've got a lot to show them. Jesus, five months?

You're not staying in the spare room for five months, are you? Yeah, South Africans, that's them for five months. Wink, wink, no, she's not going home. in the spare room for five months, are you? Yeah, South Africans, that's them for five months. Wink, wink, no, she's not going home. They're definitely staying for five months and they've got the main bedroom. What? Wait, you're giving up the main bedroom for them? For five months. For five months, yeah.

You have to go into a secondary smaller bedroom. Sure do, but that's what you do for parents, eh? Oh, they're your parents Oh yeah okay Yeah nah I don't know if I would They're not my parents They're the in-laws Oh

Oh god She couldn't have Got that out quick enough Not my parents Well I tell you what Christina Maybe next year When Vaughan's been

Five months living With his father-in-law You two can talk And consult each other We'll have a group A group My name's Vaughan, and my father-in-law's been living with her for five months.

Hi, Vaughan. Hi, Vaughan. Hi. Amazing. Ellie, Christina, love you. Love you. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

All our best to the family. Love it. All right. Love you. Love you. Ellie. That's a really nice thing, love you to the listeners. That was a great.

We do love them. Yeah, we do appreciate them. It's just weird to say I love you all the time. Love you. There we go. Was that a really nice thing, love you to the listeners? That was a great... We do love them. We do appreciate them. It's just weird to say I love you all the time. Love you. Honestly, it's such a release and a beautiful thing to do. Hey, Fletch. That was a good Christmas. I love you.

You can just say love you and it doesn't hit as hard as I love you because it's a little less attached. Yeah, because it's always throwaway. Love you. Love you. All right, love you. I love you. Play it. It right, love you. I love you. Play Zed-N's Fletch for Denali.

Play Zed-N's. Hayley's version. Hoo! Songs sung with different lines. She's got a mimosa in one hand. She's only just finished writing the song. Yep. I wrote the last words about

10 seconds ago and you'll be able to tell the line because it sucks but don't worry about it. I said I would do a song and I'm going to do one. Now, this is going to be like a best of the year kind of a highlight. Yeah, you may remember last year

so 12 months ago I did a cover of Billy Joel kind of a highlight? Yeah, you may remember last year, so 12 months ago, I did a cover of Billy Joel's We Didn't Start the Fire. And I did a wrap up of 2022. Yeah. Fallout Boy came along and was like, that's our idea. And I was like, wow, copycats.

So I had to go somewhere else. And then Vaughn actually suggested the song. Now I appreciate a suggestion at any moment. Yeah. And I got it. Why actually suggested this song. Now, I appreciate a suggestion at any moment. Yeah. And I got it, why he suggested the song. What I've realised through writing it up to the last second is it's too high. Oh. It's just high.

So it's going to sound, I'm really going to give it my all. Okay. Is what I'll say. I'm going to use all of my singing teaching techniques to hit these notes. So today you will be doing Alanis Morissette's Ironic, but... It's Hayley Morissette's Iconic. Okay. From just some of the biggest, best and bad moments of 2023.

Let's do it. With my mimosa in hand. Oh, she does a little... Oh, that's very high. Sing along if you know the words. You won't, because I barely do. Another year is over, my friends. And personally, I'm happy it's come to an end.

No summertime. And lots of writer strikes. Some moments I hated. But some are quite liked. And isn't it iconic? Don't you think? It's like rain. It's high.

Flooding all of our homes homes It's like Rihanna At the Super Bowl It's a pair of Crocs That are suddenly cold Cause who would have thought We'd wear them God, that's high It's a Cousy Lives cry

Making everything hard. It's the World Cup riff and his silly red card. It's Taylor Swift becoming a billionaire. It's like me having brown, then red, and then blonde hair. Because it wasn't that iconic Don't you think? It's like AI Becoming smarter than me

It's like Jason Telling me to sit on his knee It's girl math Which is basically free and succession finished. Yeah, this was

a silly year where we found out that men only think about the Roman Empire while women think they will be abducted. That feels fair. This year had a funny way. Like Kylie Jenner hooking up with Timothee Chalamet. Giving hope to skinny boys worldwide.

That's the shit line. It's Amber Heard and Johnny Depp. It's Blue Ivy knowing all of her mom's steps It's Britney Spears And her tell-all book It's those Ozempic shots Making everybody look cooked And isn't it iconic?

Don't you think? A little too I could have given you I really do think It's like Victoria Claiming that she was poor It's like Winston Becoming kingmaker once more

It's like Taylor On a world record tour. And thank God it's over. I mean that about the year and that song. That's my Hayley's version for 2023. Heard here and then never again. I've never thought about how high that song was I think I need like

nine more Proseccos to do that to do that song nice work hey look she wrote it in an hour and it happened and we said in an hour and it happened. Play.

ZDM's Fletch Vaughan and Hayley. And we said off here a couple of weeks ago, should we do Secret Santa just with the show? And we all agreed yes. And then here we are with Secret Santas in hands. Christmas music.

I found Christmas music. Great Christmas music there. So the idea here was that we each get our Secret Santa a gift max $20. And then Carwen in front of her has like two massive boxes. That's a bit much.

Someone's gone a bit much. Someone's gone a bit much. Carwen's microphone's not on. No, yeah, it's on and up. Is it plugged in? Underneath? Probably not. What's on?

The red thing's on. Yeah, just share, Jared. Share Jared's. I don't know what's up with that. Working testing? Hello, hello. Yeah, working. Great. Okay, great. Also, this isn't secret because I literally saw Vaughn walk in and put mine on the pile. Well, you go first

then, I reckon. But I told you that I got you. Yeah, and I was angry because you're not the whole idea is... You're terrible with Secret Santa. You never, ever... You're terrible with Secret Santa. You never, ever reveal that you are the Secret Santa. If at Christmas parties, Christmas past, you literally will just leave it and go home. Leave your present and go home.

$20? Yes, that's what it does. Cash in Brooklyn. I love this. I knew, I know, I know. This is so good. I was going to do a bank transfer because I know how much you don't like carrying cash. I was going to do a bank transfer.

This is great. But then, oh my God. There was nothing to wrap if you do a bank transfer. Oh my God, this is perfect. Oh my God, you've got to go to the airport. You could buy some nice earplugs or something. Yeah. Or that's for your taxi home when you come back to the country.

Cash is king and the bloody government can't tell you what to do with that and they can't track you. I really love the Cash and Pimple. I knew you would. You do yours. Yeah, I think the person who opens nominates the next person. Okay, yeah, good idea, good idea. Okay, it says Vaughan, open me and it says, I don't know how much you love Star Wars, Merry Christmas. And then they've got

some Star Wars characters and Jar Jar Binks at the bottom. Oh, they've really sunk down here, haven't they? Definitely the best Star Wars character. I'm aligned. Are we not doing funny things? Are we doing actual serious things? Oh no, this is,

there's been a mistake. This is a Star Trek. Yes, that's good. Because it's all the same nerd shit, eh? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. There's been huge mistakes. It's all the same nerd shit.

Huge mistake. Yeah, that's good. They're the same. Beam me up huge mistake. Yeah, that's good. They're the same. Beam me up, Chewbacca. Shut up. Or whatever they say. Beam me up, Jar Jar. Beam me up.

Oh, that's bloody good. What have you got there? Starship Battle Galactica. It's the USS Enterprise. Yeah, good stuff. That's good. Oh, the light comes on on the top. Okay, that's actually pretty cool. And you know the good thing about this is you don't know who got you that. Yeah, good stuff. That's good. Oh, the light comes on on the top. Okay, that's actually pretty cool.

And you know the good thing about this is you don't know who got you that. No, I don't. See, that's what's secret Santa and you ruin this game. That's crazy. Okay, you nominate. How do I get that bit in there? It doesn't matter. Do that later.

Shannon, because it was her writing on the front of the card. Shannon. Brilliant. Good from you. I know how much you love Star Wars, right? Yeah, and you did that. That was very funny from you. You've got a nice circular looking thing.

I'm thinking like one of those pan drums, you know. Or a car, like what do you call them? A steering wheel cover. Yeah, it's a big steering wheel. Oh my God, because she's got a license. You've just passed your license. It's a big steering wheel cover. Is it?

Oh yeah, that's like a Barbie. Oh my God, that's a pink string workout bracelet. Is it? Oh, yeah. I think. That's like a Barbie. Oh, my God. That's great. That's good. That is good. And there's an air freshener and some cute gum and some lip balm, which is so good because I used Hayley's this morning.

You did. Wait, you shared lip balm? Oh, a squeezy. Yeah, a squeezy. Not on the lip. I asked for a squirt and she gave me a squirt. I gave her a squirt. That's acceptable.

Oh, thank you, whoever got me this. Actually, you're going to look cute doing that, but don't get distracted, hon. I already am. I gave her a squirt. That's acceptable. Oh, thank you, whoever got me this. Actually, you're going to look cute doing that, but don't get distracted, hon. I really am distracted. We know how Shannon gets distracted. La, la, la. Oh, my goodness. Ultra soft on the hand.

Who's next? Next present. I want to see what's in the two boxes. I want Carl Wins to go. Okay. There's a card, I think. Oh, God, I wonder who could have got... Yeah, who could possibly have got this?

Oh goodness. Do I need to read this out loud? Proof, just giving a quick skim. What if it's a person we don't have to? Someone being like, I've watched you through the window this whole year. This first one is the smaller of two. Oh no, it was misleading because it's in a box of Mogu Mogu,

but I don't think it is Mogu Mogu. Rip it with those beautiful fingernails. I have nice nails. I don't want to rip them. This thing's very large. Oh, my God. It's like a bunch of books. It's like easy travel-sized erotic novels.

Yeah. It's erotic literature, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, my God, I love that. It's a a bunch of books. It's like easy travel sized erotic novels. Yeah. It's erotic literature, ladies and gentlemen. Oh my God, I love that. It's a classic. Romantic suspense. Wow, what are the titles? There's so many. What are the titles?

Uncover with a seal and her secret spy. Virginia Vaughan kidnapped in Texas. Oh. Virginia Vaughan. Okay, so true crime, but romance. Wow. Romance, true crime, but romance. Wow. Romance, true crime. What a thoughtful gift.

She's had a sexual awakening this year. Hi, Mum. Your Mum's listening. Am I opening the second one? Yeah. I think as you're an adult, your mother should be aware that you are, you know, had a sexual awakening.

She'll deal with it. She's probably going through her second sexual awakening. Good morning, Catherine. I recognize this guy. Don't drag Catherine into this. Okay, okay, okay. Oh my goodness. It's a moochie little pal.

Oh my God, crazy. Oh wow. Some drunk elephant. Some mecca. Someone's gone overboard. Someone's gone overboard. Someone's gone overboard. Someone's gone overboard. Someone's really, really done it.

Hayley went overboard in an effort to be the favourite. She went overboard. I didn't at all. Wait, is this when they do the free stuff and you get, you've just regifted free stuff? No, it's when I'm on a new skincare regime and that stuff's getting old, you know what I mean? Like it's expensive skincare. I can't help but feel they are similar. Oh, wait, they've been heroes. You've cleaned out your bathroom cabinet. old, you know what I mean? Like it's expensive skincare. I can't help but feel they are similar.

Oh wait, they've been used. You've cleaned out your bathroom cabinet. This is expensive skincare and I don't, I don't, that one's quite MD, yeah. That one's got a dropper in it and it can barely scrape off one. You have given her second hand skincare. Yeah, but a moochie pouch, you know? Yeah. And paperback erotic novel, so someone's been

playing with themselves and reading that book. I'm concerned. And shout out to our listener whose mother's books these are. She was selling them on behalf of her mum and then when she saw my name was mortified,

I was buying them. I love that. Chrissy Barrett, Mountain Survival from Mills and Boone. I love that. Okay, who's left? Jared, producer Jared.

And me. Oh yeah, okay. Who do you want to open? Producer Jared. I love that. Okay, who's left? Jared, Producer Jared. And me. Oh yeah, okay, who do you want to open? Producer Jared. Okay, go. Oh my goodness. I got corn chips. Yay!

He loves corn chips. Thank you. Is it just all corn chips? That looks like Jared's most favourite corn chips, $ you. This is just all corn chips. That looks like Jared's most favourite corn chips. $20 worth. Wow. I think five bags of corn chips. That does look like that. That's amazing.

A great gift, isn't it, Jared? That's a bougie corn chip. Thank you, Tony. That bag of corn chips is $4? Yeah, it's on special. It's a bougie corn chip. I think apparently it was on special. Thank you very much. Guys, I'm going to open my I'm last, but this is like Goosebumps wrapping paper, like vintage wrapping. I've got three parts. Three parts?

That's crazy. We'll remind everybody I only got one part. You can combine it to make a ship. I think you're missing the Oh, masks, beauty masks. Because I'm looking so young recently. That's why we want to keep that up. I like that. Oh my god, this paper's amazing.

I just will say whoever wrapped these was not thinking about the time. Tweezers? Because I've got my, Aaron's been using my tweezers for my reno and also my moustache is, oh my nipple. Yeah, your nipple here. Don't pluck it though. I'm not plucking it, I'm saving it. Yeah.

I'm saving it for later. Oh. Salt. And the last thing is salt. It looks like salt. It looks like cerebros salt. No? It's a medicated anti-rash powder.

You are very rashy. Power on a rash. Yeah, it'll dry it out. That's good stuff. Wow. Great presents. Great work. Really good presents, everyone.

Good buying for $20 there, Secret Santa. Great presents. Great work. Really good presents everyone. Good buying for $20 there. Secret Santa. Merry Christmas. Fact of the day is next and all this week our final week on air. Yep. It's Christmas themed. Fact of the what's happening here. Oh you mother. Wow. Labelled.

It's labelled Nick Jonas. It's labelled Nick Jonas. And it's a Chris he knows I've been deleting the Christmas songs. That's Cheeky from Ross Boss. I've had my defences up. I've been deleting Christmas songs willy-nilly, left, right and centre. But that's the last one. Yeah.

You've got 30 minutes left at work. That's your last Christmas song. It's time for Fact of the Day. Day, day, day, day. Yeah. Eggnog. Ladies and gentlemen

Boys and girls Yuck Humans of the world So yuck I like egg whites And frothy Like sour cocktails And stuff

Because it's about The texture But an egg based drink Oh yeah It's real eggy We were It was 1995 And my friend

Orban Was We were High school End of first year Of high school And he came and Stayed at my house Before Christmas And he said To my mum Can we make eggnog And my friend Orban was, we were at high school, end of first year of high school, and he came and stayed at my house before Christmas. And he said to my mum, can we make eggnog?

And my mum, never heard of it, was like, yeah, help yourself. So we made boozy eggnog. And us 13-year-olds were just like, I'm not going to make them. Not no eggnog. And my mum was like, that's boozy. I think we were making it with brandy or rum. Right.

So the original eggnog is derived from a drink that was massive in Britain called POSET. P-O-S-E-T. It was the drink of like wealthy people because of the ingredients in it. Oh, yeah. It needed eggs, which, you know, weren't easy to come by to just chuck in a drink. If you had eggs, you were generally trying to feed your family with them, not just using them willy-nilly in a drink. It also had alcohol. It had dairy products.

Oh, yeah. Which were very expensive and, again, used for practical purposes, not willy-nilly, a fun little drink. So in England, it was like the drink of the upper class, the pusset. Ew. Now, when America really made eggnog pop off, because when it got there, the tariffs on the booze that was part of eggnog were too expensive.

So they started using Caribbean rum for the eggnog. And so you can use rum and eggnog. And due to just being like everybody there saying, we're so much better than back home and this is the land of the free and the plenty, everybody would save up all of their bits and just before Christmas make this luxurious drink. Right.

To be like, ha-ha, it's the festive season and we're showing look how well we're doing by drinking eggnog. So that's when it became like associated to Christmas rather than just a posh dessert drink that you might have. And so people would save up all of their resource to, you know, the eggs and everything to be able to have it at Christmas. Wild. Just give me an RTD any day, I'll be happy.

Yeah. Yeah, do you know what I mean? Or just like pop a little salve or whatever. And I'm happy with literally anything else other than eggnog. Eggnog's gross. Americans spend, they buy 53.5 million bottles of eggnog a year.

You can buy it pre-bottled and that's even worse. $185 million on eggnog and that doesn't include the Americans that would be making their own eggnog at home which is, you know,

the tradition of it. I looked up a recipe and it was like six large egg yolks and you're like, oh, you know, like the tradition of it. I looked up a recipe and it was like six large egg yolks. And you're like, oh, yuck. Really? It's a creamy, it's a custody, creamy, boozy, syrupy mess. But the Americans can't get enough of it.

So today's fact of the day is eggnog became associated with Christmas because everybody wanted to basically put their best foot forward at Christmas and look a little bit bougie. Fact of the day, day, day, day, day. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. Play. ZDM's Fletch Vaughan and Hayley. I was carrying a chainsaw yesterday. I just cut some branches off a tree.

And then when they come off, it wedged itself in a funny way. And I was like, yeah, and I was swearing at the tree. Were you cursing the tree? I was cursing the tree. Mother nature. I said, I don't care if you take carbon dioxide and turn it into oxygen, making it, you know, breathable for us humans. I said, I don't care if you take carbon dioxide and turn it into oxygen, making it, you know, breathable for us humans. I said, God damn you.

You're ruining, you're really messing with my plans. So I grabbed this branch and I was manhandling it. I was pulling it and I was, it came loose and I started walking backwards and I tripped and fell backwards and bashed my hair. It can only be described as bashed. Did you trip over the chainsaw? No, no, no, no, no. The chainsaw was to the side. Just the flat ground. Did you trip over the chainsaw? No, no, no, no, no. The chainsaw was to the side.

Did you trip over the flat ground? Did you trip over the flat ground? Yeah. No, there was a... I think if you trip on flat ground, it's called a fall. A stump from a... It was a stump from a previous tree.

Oh, I see. This sounds like a fall. This sounds like a fall. This sounds like he's cutting down a lot of trees. This fallen ancestor had seen me bad-mouthing its current ancestor and amputating its limbs and took me down.

Now I fell and I bashed my head on another one of their friends of the cabbage variety. You fell back and hit, smashed. I fell backwards and didn't even get to hit the ground. The weight of my fall was stopped by my head and that's why I've got a sore neck. You've had a fall. Today I've had a fall.

Did your watch tell you you've had a fall? No. My watch is always like, oh, look like you've had a fall. I'm like, no, I haven't had a fall. I turned that off because I was like, I thought you only need that if you're old. You live by yourself, you might need that. You also think you're so bloody superior. You're so fit and healthy. He's like, I won't have a fall.

Well, I mean, if I have a fall, I would just be dead, wouldn't I? But it's not like a fall in the home. A cat will eat your nose off. Yeah. It's part of your do not resuscitate plan. Turn off any sort of alert system to let anybody know you've had a fall. Exactly. We just come around and the cat's eating all your soft tissues. So what happened when you hit the tree?

So I fell and I like, boof, in the back of my head hit the tree. And I remember it happening when I was a kid once. I was sitting on a gate, a farm gate, and someone like flicked the gate open and I just fell off backwards. And when I hit the ground, my head kind of hits. He's got a giant head, hasn't he? Big head. It's a good landing pad.

You can see why the ground was attracted to it. It's got a bump on the back too. It's got this prominent sort of bump on the back. From the fall or just in general? No, that's just my skull shape. And so I hit the back and then I was like, oh, that's hurt. And then my hearing went, ooh. Oh, no.

You lose your hearing and my vision went and went like a TV started to turn off yeah and I was like oh

I'm probably gonna pass out now I reckon that's what's next and so I sat there and from where I was sat in my high-vis because I've gone exclusively high-vis now thank god

well our friends were coming around and I was like if I just sit here if I knock myself out they're gonna come around the driveway and they'll see me so I'm exclusively high-vis now. Thank God. Well, our friends were coming around, and I was like, if I just sit here, if I knock myself out, they're going to come round the driveway and they'll see me. So I'm not going to push it.

I'll just sit here. So I sat there. You might have to start wearing a helmet on that little farm, Leighton. I might have to start wearing a safety helmet. But also a high-vis one to go with my high-vis shirts. And then did you come to and you were all right? Yeah, and then my hearing came back

and then my vision was all sweet. And I was like, have I concussed myself? But then I googled like signs of it and I don't have any of the other ones. I just banged my head. God, but scary though. Yeah. Getting older. Hey, Dad's had a fall.

Dad's had a fall. Dad's had a fall. Dad tripped over because he was walking backwards and not watching where he was going. Yeah. Just lucky I'd put the chainsaw down because that thing was still idling away. God, I worry about you.

This is why we're home. We've got four weeks off the podcast so every single day you can listen to the show. iHeartRadio, wherever you podcast. We start tomorrow with the first of our Christmas cocktail specials. What are you going to do? They get progressively drunker'll say, drunker.

But it was lots of fun recording those. We've got special guest Morgan Penn, sexologist, joining us over the summer break as well on the podcast. You can listen to our podcast, Sex.Life. We did something for season two yesterday that was unreal. I saw some photos. Not all the photos. Not all of the photos.

I requested not to see all of the photos. I was showing the I saw some photos. Not all the photos. Not all of the photos. I requested not to see all of the photos. I was showing the girlies my photos. They were like, wow. So pretty. Yeah. And Morgan was telling me some stories that she's been researching. She's really, again, putting her body on the line.

And I'm so excited for season two. Any last words, Vaughn? I'd like to thank the Academy. Yep. I'd like to thank our listeners. And again, Illy. Illy, Illy, Illy. I'd like to thank the Academy. I'd like to thank our listeners and again Illy. I'd like to thank the producing team for another hell of a year. In all seriousness, there's a podcast

every day while we're away and Jared's put those together and sorted out the uploading of that and dealt with four and a whatever hours of absolute chaos of that Christmas record. He's got so many nacho chips now too. Yeah, so Jared's doing that and Shannon's going to be, you know, keeping on top of the socials and whatnot.

What the hell is Carwen doing? Is she just knocking off or shit? What are you doing, honey? You're just knocking off. Yeah, I'm going away. Yeah, she's just knocking off. I think PR, sorry, enforced PTSD. Oh, okay.

Yeah, where she just has to calm it right down. No, you've done a fantastic job, guys. Really great years of work. Shannon on socials, that's undoubtedly like the biggest year we've probably ever had on social media. Your girl math, I think, was popular. Nah. I think a couple of people watched the videos.

Yeah, a few. Nah, not what I heard. Carwin, thanks for organising everything and being a filter between us and a whole lot of bullshit that we'll just yell at you about even though you've

got nothing to do with the bullshit that you're filtering through and JP all the tech side of things all the podcasts that you put together

fantastic thank you so much you guys are legends do us now do us now no no no on your own time I counted 79

all rights today Fletcher but that's a new personal record. Oh, f*** off. How many of those did you count? Oh, yeah, 79 of those too. All right, well, if you enjoyed today's podcast, give us a rate and review.

Oh, f*** off. ZM's Fletch Vaughan and Hayley.