ZM's Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley - Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley's Big Pod - 28th September 2023

Episode Date: September 27, 2023

Sad Cat  Top 6: 24 Hour Radio Stations  Silly Little Poll!  How many times did you fail your License?  Boy Math??Girl Math!!  Hayley's Jug  Fact of the Day Day Day Day Daaaaay!  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

The ZM Podcast Network. The Fletchforn and Hayley Big Pod. Treat yourself to McCafe coffee with my Macca's rewards. Good morning, welcome to the show, Fletchforn and Hayley. It's two minutes past six. Good morning. Happy Thursday. I did for a moment think it was Friday.

Remember when I said something before and it made it sound like it was Friday? Yeah. It's not, it's Thursday. No, well I've got to take your word for it, unfortunately. This is my Friday. You're having a long weekend, are you? Yeah. No, well, I've got to take your word for it, unfortunately. This is my Friday. You're having a long weekend, are you? Yeah.

On the way, cash catch up. Yesterday, Cashy at 8 o'clock exploded at $1,000 and something. Crazy. We did catch wind that he'd been training for a half marathon. So we gave away. I think she locked in. Our winner locked in about what, 500, 400? Yeah, just under five.

Just under. So again this morning, your chance to win some cash. Eight o'clock, we'll play Listen Up for the Activator. Georgia plays at midday and then Brian Clint this afternoon at four o'clock. It's the time for it, isn't it? The top six on the way. Yeah, a 24-hour Christmas radio station is being launched. Oh my God, Boney M.

Is this overseas or in New York? Because you know the iHeartRadio do that. It's in the Uck, I think. The 24-hour. Well, that's the thing. If it's on the iHeartRadio network, you'll be able to get it anywhere in the world. That's the sort of flexibility that the iHeartRadio app has.

Absolutely. Beautiful. Yeah. Hell of an app. 87 days till Christmas. This is why they've launched this 24-hour Christmas radio station. Absolutely. Beautiful. Yeah. Hell of an app. 87 days till Christmas. So this is why they've launched this 24 hour Christmas radio station. Correct. 87. That's scary, eh?

No, it's exciting. I'm ready. So I've got the top six other 24 hour radio stations we need. We're away tomorrow. We're actually away the whole weekend. I was going to say Fletch, Vaughan and Hayley. We're away tomorrow. We're actually away the whole weekend. I was going to say Fletch and I. Now I'm talking to you.

Aaron and I. I don't know. Am I? My other husband. Who's feeding your cat? Well, we're getting our friends to stay at our house. Our house, darling. Yeah, at our house, darling.

Do they not have a house? Yeah, they've got a house, but we just don't like leaving our house. Our house darling. Yeah, at our house darling. Do they not have a house? Yeah, they've got a house but we just don't like leaving our house at the moment because it's pretty wide open.

They're going to come and sleep in your like renovated, half renovated house. It sucks for them. There's no bathroom and there's no furniture. Yeah.

Good friends. There's a port-a-loo. Yeah, there's a port-a-loo. Vaughan would have just gone over but your cat needs a lot of attention. Yeah, he would just get sad at night. And this is why this story caught my eye.

There was a man who was on holiday, and he's got an automatic feeder. Oh, yeah. And his cat was at home, and then he saw the cat on his little cat cams. He's got cat cams nice down low to the ground. Because you can get the cat feeders with a camera in them and a speaker, so you can be like, puss, puss, puss, puss, puss. Does yours have a camera in it? No, I've just got like a $30 warehouse one that rotates every 12 hours.

Yeah, see, we need to get one of these for when we just go away for the night. Yeah, that's what I use mine for. Yeah. So just like, he just absolutely loves this cat. It's called Paul, as in P-A-W-L. Oh, Paul. Clever. Clever. Oh, okay. Yeah.

So yeah, they had like, he had people coming in and like checking on the cat, but in general the cat was on its own at night. And he always was like checking on the cameras and usually it's like a lot of him laying around, he said, looking out the window at the birds. Yeah. And then he said this time when he went on the cameras,

he just saw Paul roaming around the apartment with a stuffed toy fish in his mouth, making the saddest meows that he's ever heard. Meow. Okay. Meow. Meow. And then he said...

Here we are, mate. Yeah, I know, but then he said that he was listening for so long it broke his heart that he started making plans to cancel his holiday and go home. Where was he on holiday? Was he, like, in another country? No, he was on... He said he was just on vacation. He didn't make it sound like it was that hard to get home.

Right. Yeah. He said that he was just... He started doing it until his wife was like, don't be ridiculous to the cat. Fine. Oh,

I assumed this guy didn't have a wife. I assumed he was a cat-based loser. Oh my God. You and me. I'm a cat-centric loser. Excuse me,

I'm a cat-based loser. Yeah. Yeah, but you also say your selfishness supersedes your cat-based loserness because if you saw your cat was sad, you'd just be like, no, well, look.

No, I always get people to look at that. People have to stay and look after Murray. This is what I say. If we go away for like a night or two and we'll just leave him on his own and get people to feed him, I'm like, but can you spend some time? Yeah, because my cat's quite needy. Yes, yeah. Well, a lot of people, a lot of cat owners, cat losers,

have been messaging being like, I literally would have turned the plane around. Like I literally would have done exactly the same thing. If I saw Raleigh being sad, oh, I could have. You built him a whole outside house during your renovations. Yeah, we did. Yeah. We built him a little hut to hide. And change your entire house structure.

You went to go to the council. Yeah, to get a hole put in so you could put the cat door in. It's cute, I saw it. It's got the colonial trims on it. Yeah, it does. It's cute. It's a colonial trim cat door. It's too much.

Clay, Zed Eames, Fletch, Vaughn and Hayley. You may have seen this in the news yesterday. Air New Zealand announcing it yesterday. You will be able to track your baggage in the Air New Zealand app. Oh, using the barcodes. Right? Yeah, yeah. How does this work?

Well, they scan it at each point, right? They scan it at each point, yeah. So American Airlines has had this for a few years, and when I was last travelling with American Airlines, you'd see the bags go up the little convey about into the hold, and you'd see them with a little scanner, you know, like the couriers use? Yeah. And so at each, yeah, at each, and then you'd literally be able to see on the app,

oh, your bag is now currently loaded, it's with you. So it'll be like, yeah, tracking a courier parcel when it's like it's been picked up, it's in transit, it's with the driver. So you do your bag tag, you put it on the conveyor belt, you scan it, it'll say your bags. And then so each step of the way it's scanned and then they put it into that big container, chuck it on the plane.

It's a good app actually, the Air New Zealand app. I like it. Easy to use. It's not bad. So it's been apparently now, I don't know if you have to update your app or it'll just appear, but it's been tried by 8,000 customers

in the last wee while. And apparently, yeah, they've all been like that's real cool. Wow. And so now, yeah, I mean... You just take matters into your own hands, don't you? I've got an ear tag. Yeah. And... They hate that. They do, but

everybody uses... You used the ear tags when you were in overseas, eh? Yeah, it was fun. It is fun. It's fun. Is it something guys like because they're just like, it's a bit of technology and they're nerding out over where things are. Yeah, it was fun. It is fun. It's fun. Is it something guys like because they're just like it's a bit of technology and they're nerding out over where things are. And then when you've got it in your bag

and you're waiting at the carrier cell, it tells you that it's close. Oh. Like that it's getting closer. So you're like, mine's about to come out. Warm.

And then it points an arrow towards where it's getting the Bluetooth signal from. But those only work when someone has an iPhone near the ear tag. Yeah. Yeah, totally.

If they're all Androids, it's not until someone with an iPhone comes along that it'll do that. Does that mean if you're a baggage handler and you've got an iPhone, that there are going to be like hundreds or thousands of bags draining your phone? I don't know. How does it use it?

Because it pings from other Bluetooth Apple devices, right? I know, but what does it take? Like, does it take battery from you? Does it take data from you? It's minimal data, right? It's minimal data. It would be minimal data. It's just a signal, I think.

What if I've only got enough data to send one message? I'm saving it. Oh, I know. And then someone hoons it. You need to turn off your data. When I've got, when I've used, you know, 39.6 of my 40 gigs data, I don't want people hooning that.

That's for me. That's your data. Top six is next. How many days did we stay away from Christmas? 87. 87. 87 days. A 24-hour Christmas radio station has launched in America, I believe.

Yes. Yeah. So I've got the top six other 24-hour radio stations we need. We've got a lot of radio stations already, don't we? Why not chuck a few more on the fire? I mean, pile. Play ZM's Fletchborn and Ailey from the Panoramic ZM Think Tank. This is the Top Six.

Hello there. A 24-hour Christmas station has been launched. 87 days away from Christmas. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. This is nothing but Christmas classics. Yeah, radio station in America, so you're not going to get that here. Am I going to be allowed this year, as I was permitted to last year,

to play Boney M's Mary's Boy Child, Jesus Christ? No, absolutely not. That was a one-time offer. Really? It was a good Christmas song. It was a terrible song. That's number one. It's not Wham! Last Christmas.

It's not Snoopy's Christmas. Long time ago in Bethlehem. Oh, it's bloody good. I can't wait. That would be on a high rotate on this 24-hour Christmas station. Yeah. So I've got the top six other 24-hour radio stations we need here in New Zealand. Hell yeah.

Everywhere. Global. Number six on the list, Ads FM. It's just ads. Just ads. Ads are everybody's favorite part of the radio. Okay. So you just tune in and see your specials and stuff.

This guy's cheeky, isn't he? He is cheeky. I'm not cheeky. I'm being serious. I know they pay the wage. I know they pay the wage and I'm being serious. You can tune in and hear about specials. It's like people who buy coupon books.

Oh, yeah. That's a book full of coupons. Yeah. They wouldn't pay your wage if it was an ads-only station because they wouldn't need us. No, but the company just has it. Or do we just come back and go Fletch, Vaughan and Hayley

up next. More ads. More ads. ZM. Here's an ad. Yeah. Okay. Then we do a smash.

I think you go back to the drawing board on that one. Number five on the list of the top six 24 hour radio stations we need Easter music. There's not as many Easter songs. In fact, my search, my light search turned up none.

I was going to say, I don't know of a song about Easter. Yeah, there's like religious ones. Yeah, right. I don't know if that's going to fly. Christ the Lord has risen? That'd crank. That would pop off. Jesus Christ is risen today?

Boom, pop off. Yeah, can you do us an hour intro? Say the time and tell us up next, Jesus Christ is risen today. Boom, pop off. Yeah. Can you do us an hour intro? Say the time and tell us up next Jesus Christ is risen. On Easter FM? On Easter FM. Okay. 626. It's Easter FM.

Here's Jesus Christ is risen. Popping off. Popping off. By Charles Wesley. By Charles Wesley. Popping off. Thanks, Charles Wesley. Man, I love that Charles Wesley.

Number four on the list of the top six 24-hour radio stations we need. Coloured Noise FM. Okay. White noise, brown noise, pink noise. All the noise colours. Coming up next. It's brown. It's brown noise.

If you're an hour of brown. If you're on that radio station, you've got to talk softly like this. Hi. Brown Noise FM. Colours noise. If you like white noise, you're going to love what we've got up next. I mean, this is the kind of station that would go off at night when people are going to sleep.

Yeah. Noise FM. Noise FM. That was white noise. Now, some brown noise. Rocketing up the charts. Brown noise. Rocketing up the charts is brown noise. Rocketing up the charts.

Number three on the list of the top six 24-hour radio stations we need. If the noises aren't for you, maybe Windchime FM will be. It's just relaxing sounds. Boomers would love that.

Massage music. You know when you go get a massage and they've got that nondescript, semi-quasi-southeast Asian sounding. Yeah, there's some sort of bells or wooden bells.

And join us in the winter months for Crackling Fire. Oh, yes. Or we have a Crackling Fire. Yes. Yeah, that's later on. Beautiful. Number two on the list of the top six 24-hour radio stations we need, 24-hour weather station.

It's just someone local looking out the window saying the weather over and over. Fine fine fine. Oh winds up winds up, winds down. Oh winds up Oh bit of rain, bit of rain. It's raining, it's raining get the washing in. It's raining, it's raining, it's raining it's raining, it's raining. You joke but I think people would lap that up. Yeah

I mean they could look out the window and get their thing. I'm not talking predictions of what's coming tomorrow. I'm just talking about current weather. Yeah, right. Current weather. Live in the moment. Yeah.

And number one on the list of the top six 24-hour radio sessions we need are Taylor Swift 24-7, otherwise known as ZM about three weeks ago. Again, people lapped that up. People lapped that up. They're the biggest artists in the world. They lapped it up. Did you hear that guy That Kelsey

Travis Kelsey Who she's been kind of Showing a bit of interest in Yeah His NFL shirts The sales of which have gone up like 800% Do you

Have you seen the TikTok trend Where girlfriends tell their boyfriends That Taylor Swift put them on the map And they're like Excuse me Squaz me Do you play, excuse me? Squaz me. Do you play Super Bowl? Squaz me.

That's today's Subsex. Play ZM's Fletch Vodden Ailey. Play ZM. What do you do if you're on a plane and you're watching a movie and there's a sex scene? It's weird because you don't cover your screen if it's insane violence. If it's gratuitous

violence, gory dismemberment with either fire powered weapons or a very sharp blade or a blunt instrument of destruction. But if there's a titty you're like, oh, I know it's like that, isn't it?

I try to avoid them. I'll fast forward. I remember being in the aisle seat so everyone can see, and I watched Brokeback Mountain. Beautiful movie. But great, yeah, real. But there's no real. I mean, there's no, that scene wasn't exactly.

No, it wasn't. There was no, you didn't see much. You didn't even get a bone nipple, did you? No, I sure told. You didn't even get a Gyllenhaal nipple. God, I feel a little soft actually. Nothing. Nothing.

Yeah, but I remember being like, oh, people looking over. Or when I look over and I see scenes, I'm like, are you getting all hot and bothered about this? Because I'm normally watching on my phone and so you can just like kind of tilt it down. Or if you've got your laptop, it's either phone or laptop, I'll just fast forward.

Yeah. You know, the plus. Does Netflix have a plus 15? Plus 15 or plus 10. Yeah. I don't know what Netflix. Podcasts are famously 15, 15, 15. Yeah.

Yeah, thank God. But the plane that movies and TV shows on a plane are normally anything bad. Like, have you ever been on an Emirates or a, you know, a Middle Eastern airline, Qatar? Oh, my God. But the plane, the movies and TV shows on a plane are normally anything bad. Like, have you ever been on an Emirates or a Middle Eastern airline Qatar? The movie just cuts from a scene to the next scene. Singapore's a bit like that too. Yeah. Singapore Airlines, it is a little bit brutish.

They get everything cut out. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because that's what people online are arguing about. Like, what do you do? Right.

Because that's what somebody said. You don't even notice what someone else is watching until you see them awkwardly squirming and trying to cover it and pull it and cover it and put their hands in. You've made it so much worse. Laying forward and put their hands out. Then you're like, oh, what are they watching? It draws attention.

Yeah. I've been watching a show lately at the gym called The League. It finished years ago, but I've always heard it's really at the gym called The League Like finished years ago But I've always heard it's really good and I am loving it It's The guys who created it Were season writers on Curb Your Enthusiasm Great show

And heavily influenced by Always Sunny in Philadelphia Kind of ran in parallel So it's two of my favourite shows And this shows Some of the things said in it, wild Made in that wild period of television from like 2008 to 2014. So that real wild west of like, can we do this? Dunno.

Let's do it because we're not going to be able to do it forever. And some of the funniest scenes are like around sex scenes. Right. So I'll be laughing, which then makes people be like, that guy's having a good time. I wonder what he's watching. And then we walk in the bus

and they're looking at some guy's ass up. And you're like, then you try to cover it or tilt the screen or whatever. But what were people saying online? What's their kind of... Well, one of the main ones was nobody notices until you move.

Right. So just be cool. Yeah. Just be chill. But it is weird though, right? You don't know where to look. Is there going to be another season of Curb Your Enthusiasm? Yes, there is. When's that out? Well, it was due to come out end of this year, but I don't know if the writers...

But it was all done, I think. Yeah, so hopefully Saturday next year. When the strike's over. It's so brilliant, isn't it? It's so brilliant. It'll come out. How good was it? He made Seinfeld and then's so brilliant, isn't it? It's so brilliant. It'll come out. Yeah. How good was it? He made Seinfeld and then was just like, oh, I've got so much money.

And he's like, I'm bored. I'm kind of bored. I want to do this. I'll do something. And he's made a show on par with Seinfeld. It's so good. Shit. Play.

ZDM's Fletchvorn and Hayley. Fletchvborn and Hayley. Which cup holder in a car in the centre console, if they are front and back, does the driver use? Front, towards the dashboard, back, probably near a sort of a storage thing. Yeah. Well, I can only use one of mine because I still, you might have remembered about a year ago,

I left a melted Sante bar in the middle console and that's still just in there. You haven't like chipped it away? Nah, nah. So the back is available but the front is Sante. So you could put a cup in there but it would just be covered in

Sante. Depending on the weather. If it's melted, if it's remelted or if it's still solid. So winter you might get a little marking but some of you can get a full Sante dip. Yeah, exactly. You could probably dip a cone in there almost. You could dip a cone in there.

I wouldn't, because I will reiterate, it was about a year ago this happened. Yeah, okay. It's gross in there, man. Do you want to clean that out? Driver gets the front cup holder, right? Yeah, I reckon. That's sort of universally agreed upon.

83% of people said front towards the dash. Who are these monsters that like the back? I don't know. Of course. Of course. Of course bloody bin juices into us. Producer Shannon. Why the back one? I like the stability of it. I was going to say it does

often offer a stability because if you just are blindly grabbing, you run your hand from the back, slowly you feel it would go down and you wouldn't hit the cup. Karate chop it. Yeah, and mine's kind of like a tiered system. Sorry?

Like the back one's deeper, the front one's a bit more shallow. So the back offers you stability. Oh, fancy. And there's a little bottle opener in the middle to separate them. V-dubs have a bottle opener, like a beer opener. That doesn't feel great in a car. I know, I always thought that was quite weird. But it's useful. Right. But yes,

I'm a bat girl. Should you be should you let it just linger. Hello, is this thing on? Testing, testing. Hello, am I awake? Just let it link. Should you be allowed to be fumbling around for a cup when you're on your restricted?

No, and especially not with my passengers. No, but all my friends have had their licences for, like, years and years, so I can, like, drive with them. Oh, right, so they're supervised drivers. So is anyone, when you've got a passenger and you take the back cup holder, are they like, that's weird? Yeah, actually. But it's, if I'm driving, I'm take the back cup holder, are they like, that's weird? Yeah, actually. But it's,

if I'm driving, I'm taking the back. It's mine. Yeah, you're the driver. What about this? What about you go through the non-ease drive-thru and you get your combo

and then you're the passenger. What about the holder in the door? Yeah, I love that. But sometimes the vessel's too fat and it leans. You can't put anything other than a seal-tight water bottle in the door hole.

No, I'm talking about like a Coke Zero. No, no, no, no, that's madness. You're asking for trouble because that's a deeper one. But it's not my car, is it? I'm in the passenger seat. It's already, generally, those ones are already a little bit on a lean.

You're going to have dribble. And when you go to grab it, the lid's going to pop off and it's going to go everywhere. You're right there. Okay. Yeah, it's not good. Maybe they could give us a really long straw

so I didn't have to move it. So you just... Yeah. Lip to straw. If it's a paper straw, it'll be buggered before the drink even gets to the top of the straw. Oh, my God. I got a frozen margarita in Melbourne with a paper straw,

which is so slow, right, to drink a frozen margarita in Melbourne with a paper straw, which is so slow, right, to drink a frozen margarita. It absolutely matted itself through the ice. I had to abandon the drink. No, just go to Lipster Glass. No, I tried, but it was so frozen. It was one of those big mountainous frozen... I would have just got a spoon and just spooned it straight into the gob. I'm not missing out on a margie.

Yeah, I'm not leaving a margie. You never leave a margie behind You never leave a margie behind. Never leave a margie. Wow. No margie left behind. No margie left behind. That would be great if you go to Mexico on like a girls' trip. That would be what your tour is called.

No margie left behind. No margie left behind. And camo. Oh my God, for Margaret's like hen stew. Yeah. Perfect. Brilliant. Margs on margs.

We could do that for your hen stew in Italy. Yeah, we'll get... Oh, it's just... No, Apple is probably out to go to Spain. No, the budget's brilliant. Margs on margs. We could do that for your hen stew in Italy. Yeah, we'll get... Oh, it's just... No, we'll probably have to go to Spain. No, the budget's tight. From Italy to Spain. It's tight. For the margaritas.

Yeah. Okay. Some feedback. Danny said both. One for my water bottle and one for my coffee. The passenger has hands free so they can hold on to their drink. Oh, wow. I'll sort of use one.

My phone goes in the front hole. Drink goes in the back hole. Both holes. If the passenger needs the drink holder, I'll move my phone and they can use the front hole. Okay. But again, they've got hands free. We've just learned this is absolutely free hands.

I want to say front, but some twat, her words, not mine, says Alex, designed my car with a front cup holder too small for a cup and thus the back cup holder is required. You need that Bunnings thing that everybody was buying from the plumbing section. Yeah, the PVC piping. So everybody could fit their crank green. All of the above, says Jana, I'm a thirsty bitch.

Right, so she's... Double. You were about to say it, weren't you? Yeah, I was. She's double cup holding. She's double she's, um. Double. Yeah. You were about to say it, weren't you? Yeah, I was. She's double cup holding. She's double cup holding. Melody said, whichever isn't full of shriveled up receipts

and straw wrappers. Yeah. So she's versatile. We should actually do another silly poll another time. Like, is there a gunky substance at the bottom of your cup holder? Yeah. Coagulated somewhere within the car.

Or just an open question. What's in your cup holder that's not a cup? Yes. Yeah. Save that for another day. It's always receipts. Or just an open question. What's in your cup holder that's not a cup? Yes. Yeah. Save that for another day. It's always receipts. Melted Sante. Chocolate bar wrappers.

Yeah, little cheeky peanut slabs. Play ZM's Fletch, Vaughn and Hayley. Now, the girlfriend effect is trending on the talk because people are noticing that men get hotter the second that they get a girlfriend. And it is simply the reality that women, we sweep on into your lives and we help you find a style that suits you. We give you a reason to floof the hair in the morning

or do your moisturizing skin. And we make you suddenly and quite notably hotter. People are looking at people like Sam Worthington, Ben Affleck, instantly hotter the moment that he's with J-Lo. Yeah. When he was on his own he was getting a bit rougher in the edges, wasn't he?

He laid off the booze probably a bit as well there. Yeah, oh yeah. He always looked a bit like hungover all the time, puffy. Exactly. looked a bit like hungover all the time. Exactly. So they say, so an average looking man will score a girlfriend and suddenly he's wearing nice sneakers and he stopped wearing his loud printed board shorts and you know, maybe he just gets his sort of

slightly slimmer leg in the jean. Yeah. Or if he's already a skinny jean he loosens up the jean. Yep. And everyone's going, you've never looked better. That's it. It is literally the girlfriend effect. We've known this for a long time. Women love a do-up.

Love a reno. We love a reno. We love to fix guys. I love a renovator's dream. Yeah, you do. Yeah. I mean, I don't know that I did. I choose Aaron's outfit sometimes,

but he's not super into fashion. It's not his passion. It's not his passion, but he's not super into fashion. It's not his passion. It's not his passion, but he likes to look nice. But I like to dress him up and I know what works well. And sometimes he'll wear black belt and brown shoes and I go, uh-oh, stop you there. We're not matching. We match our belt with our shoes.

We're not matching. We match our belt with our shoes. Yeah. And then I'll see something out and I'll make bold choices for him sometimes and he looks great. I mean, Vaughn, you very famously, your wife did you up, didn't she? Have you seen the before and after photos of this one? Yeah, well, I've seen some early days photos of you.

Yeah. Yeah. But I also did her up financially. Well, yeah, you gave her money. Well, she was working at Lippy and she had that fast car, didn't she? She had a Mitsubishi GSR turbo Lancer. I always forget that your wife was a Hamilton girl racer. I always forget it.

Yeah. Always. That thing was a rocket. Now, I said, that thing's going through a lot of petrol. She was chewing up insurance money. Oh, the insurance. And she was working at Lippy but spending all of her money at Lippy. Now that's what we call the...

Is Lippy still a thing? No. It was Wildpeer and Lippy and she worked at Lippy. They were one company. I don't know if it's Stuff or Herald. They keep using a stock image with Lippy in it. Really?

In like a story about malls or something. Yeah, in a story about the economy and shopping. Lippy's been gone for years. I saw it last week because I meant to say to you didn't shardé work there and wild pear so this one is i remember exactly where it is in center place in hamilton when you're coming off ward street it was on the right would you go in there and say how so you were looking for the mini skirts what's happening no no because i i met

her and then i learned she worked there. So when I went in there, I knew who she was. Oh, right. So people are literally sharing the before and after, being like, oh my God, the girlfriend effect is absolutely true because here's my boyfriend.

It's all these embarrassing photos of them looking terrible. And this is him now. And they're like, There's one here. Men also tend to just, as you get a bit older, I think you stop trying as hard maybe. You just are tend to just, as you get a bit older, I think you stop trying as hard maybe

and you're just happy to just cruise into it a little bit. But there's a great photo, right? Here's Ben Affleck before he was back with J-Lo. Oh, yeah, but that's also Ben Affleck with those photos where they were just like, what's happened to Batman? It's so good. He's got some Dunkin' Donuts in his hand and he's really pissed off.

And then on the next photo with J-Lo, suit, looking really good. Here's Channing Tatum with his wife, girlfriend. Yeah. Looking incredible. Here's him single. He's wearing gold harem pants, you know. Now, that's not a fashion move that a woman would encourage. No, it's really not.

Producer Jared, you would say that your girlfriend has had the girlfriend effect on you. Oh, big time. Yeah's really not. Producer Jared, you would say that your girlfriend has had the girlfriend effect on you. Oh, big time. Yeah. Big time. I used to have a little mop, a little, what's the,

coif, cowlick, little situation. Yeah. I don't think it's called a coif. Isn't it a coif? No, it's C-O-I-F. Coif. Jared,

please do not say that on the radio. We're going to say coif in 12 minutes when I sit in the front. Wow. You can't say queef in 12 minutes. Wow. Cancel. If it's in your hair, it's a queef.

A queef, sorry. And if it's anywhere else. If it's sneaking out through your hair, it's a queef. You don't want queef in your hair. No. Wow, please, Jared. Wow. Yeah. Really? I apologise to Jared. Wow. Just, yeah. Really?

I apologise to any listeners there that producer Jared has offended. There with that horrible rhetoric. How am I supposed to explain this to the kids? Yeah. Yeah, I had like scruffy hair, clean shaven, looked a bit like just a knob. And now a bit of a scucks with a shaved head and a thick muzzy. Yeah.

It's good stuff. Yeah, and when you dress as you are. When you team up your muzzy with your queef. That's what I wanted to know, but that would be our combo. Don't be rude. Don't be rude. Yeah, okay. Yeah, I think it's an improvement.

Yeah, good stuff. And so you're saying without the new girlfriend, you wouldn't look like this. Oh, no. You'd still look like... I'd look like a wildebeest. Yeah. Good stuff. And so you're saying without the new girlfriend, you wouldn't look like this. Oh, no. You'd still look like... I'd look like a wildebeest. Yeah. I tried in Melbourne with Fletch to give him the girlfriend technique.

We went shopping together. Oh, my God. It so sucks going shopping with girls. All he did was buy two pairs of pants that he already owns. Because I like them. They fit me and I like them. And then a jacket that looked really good. He said, oh, no, no, no.

That jacket was so expensive. Well, what? Come on. You spend nothing on yourself. We're not, no. That jacket was so expensive. Well, what? Come on. You spend nothing on yourself. We're not girlmassing this jacket. Has he bought the boots yet? No. He hasn't bought the boots.

We didn't even get there. Too expensive. About 10 minutes in, he said, I'm over it. Yeah. I want to go. I was so hungover, though. I did not last long shopping. Yeah, it does.

Play ZM's Fletch Vaughan and Hayley. Play ZM. The gods were in my favour last night Yesterday, sorry It was just a beautiful day where things just clicked into place Oh yeah, okay We went, well we decided Because we've been sort of at home working on the house And we decided yesterday it's a bit quieter We're getting towards the end

We're like, let's get out of the house Let's go do some things. And then we sat in the car with the engine on and the driver going, where should we go? You forgot. You forgot how to leave. Forgot how to leave. Then we decided we're going to head out to one of our favourite antique stores.

Okay. Drove out there. And it's this amazing place out in West Auckland where on one side of the road is the antique store. And on the other side, you go down a driveway on one side of the road is the antique store. And on the other side, you go down a driveway and there's a second part to the antique store. Oh, wow. Okay. Okay.

So we would go down the driveway. Like, let's go down to the other one first. And we get there and it's closed. But then down the driveway further, we're like, what's that? Hustle and bustle. We find a pub. Sniff it out. You're like one of those beagles at the airport,

except it's not money or drugs or fruit you're sniffing for. It's pubs. Pubs. Yeah. I'll find it. And then we were like, hey-o, it's one o'clock. We haven't had lunch.

Yeah. Let's go. Okay. So we go into this pub and look at this. It's got a little lunch. We went into this, you know those outdoor sort of conservatory areas with the pull-down plastics?

We went in there and there was a baby shower there. And it was weird. There was like a big table with a baby shower and then two small tables. We're like, we'll just sit out here. And then they started the speeches and it was awkward. So Aaron and I were having our lunch talking like this the whole time. Wait, what was said in the speeches? It felt like there was quite a lot of work friends there.

Real mixed bag. Right. And they did a lot of gift giving and well wishes. Any good gifts? Yeah, some cute stuff. Okay. Someone hand knitted something. Oh, that's really nice.

Didn't make you clucky? Not at all, no. Nope. Not at all. Yeah, good. Sealed it up, if anything. But that was cute. And then we, off the lunch special, we ordered the burger.

We were like, yeah, let's each get a burger. Burger, chips, and a glass of house white. Perfect. This is a great day. Yeah. Anyway, so we eat the burger, the chips, and the glass of house white, and then we go across. Did you buy? Oh, I'm sorry. You're white. And then we go across. Did you buy?

Oh, I'm sorry. You're going back there. We go across to the op shop, to the antique store. We did buy, we bought an old, you know, those old wooden phone boxes that like, it's like you would like have your own on the side. And it was like really, really old. What are you just going to put your cell phone in it? No, it's a charging station. No, somebody had taken out the phone side of it

and turned it into a small sort of like display shelf. Pop plant. No, and we're going to put like some sort of little bits and pieces in there. Okay. A bit of a vision for us. A taxidermied otter maybe. Yeah, perhaps. On the phone.

On the phone. An otter on the phone. Oh, yeah. Hello, otterator. That's what it's called. That's what it's called. That's what it's called. Ladies and gentlemen. Great piece.

Great piece. I will be leaving the show. It's not going to get better than that. Genius from you. It's enough at will. Anyway, and then Aaron pulled a man and then said, like, I'm tired. I want to go home. And I was like, yep, sweet.

Well, that's enough for me. He pulled a man. That's great. When I'm out shopping, I'm like, I'm tired. I've had enough. Yeah. Shadow will be like, go find an arcade. I'll be like, okay, I'll see you later then.

Yeah, yeah, totally. And then on the way back. Always pulling a man. Me. Always pulling a man. Oh, he loves it. Not anymore. University though.

Uni. You do these things. Stop. You do these things. Anyway, on the way back to our house, we stopped in at the local pub. Now, I know it seems that we've gone pub crawling, but we're not. I went in to make a booking for my birthday weekend, which is next week and you haven't forgotten.

No, it's in the calendar. It's in the calendar. And I was like, well we'll just pop in, I'll make a booking for our little drinky poos that we're going to have. We're going to go and we'll have a cider. So we go in, it's literally around the corner from our house. So we went in and we had a cider and

then the manager, who we know and love very much, Thomas, came over and he was chatting to us and he was like, hey, do you guys want to be the first to try our burger? He's from the UK. Yeah. We're like, what burger? I guessed that. Thank you.

Drama school. Because of your acting. And then we went there and we were like, he was like, do you want to be the first to try our burger? Wait, this is only an hour after you've just had a burger. Up 30 minutes. Okay. So you've gone pub to pub, first to try our burger. Wait, this is only an hour after you've just had a burger. 30 minutes. So you've gone pub to pub, burger to burger. Well, we were like, no.

You're free Wednesday. I was so full I didn't even finish the chips with my original burger. And then Thomas is like, do you want to try our burger? You'll be the first punters to try the burger because it's part of a competition. Wait, is this a free burger too? Dude, this is a free burger. Oh my God.

So I'm like, you can't say no to that. What am I going to do? Say no. And we were like, absolutely. So then he brings out a free burger

and we eat a second burger. Wait, this is like exactly the same time that you said you couldn't make the gym class with me yesterday. Yeah, I know. Well, she couldn't.

She was full of burger and wine and ciders. Yeah. Well, what are we going to do? Eat two burgers and then come work out with you, you fitness freak? It's not happening, is it? Absolutely not. No.

So good. ZM's Fletch Vaughan and Hayley. So from October the 1st, which is a mere three days away, 30 days have September. April, June and November. All the rest have 31 except for February that has 29 every leap year. 28. Do you know leap year?

Leap year. Long tease. Yep. Today's fact of the day, we're in ancient Rome week. Yes. Part of today's fact of the day has to do with the months of the year. Oh, okay. Part of today's fact of the day Has to do with the Months of the year Oh Okay

Wow That's only a small part Of what is A big beautiful fat Plump Succulent See you in an hour Can't wait

I'm not going anywhere From October 1st I literally have to be here though Yes I have to be here as well I am going somewhere You have to be here More than me and Vaughn do To be fair

Push the buttons Pushing the buttons And you'll need me for the fact of the day. I guess one of us is pointless then. I guess one of us has approximately one hour to prove. I'm going to ask you, friend, not to highlight

that. One of us has an hour to prove that we're the key. I'm going to ask you not to mention that I don't need to be here. And I don't prove it. I think you need to be here. And I don't propose to the dude. I think you need to be here. I'm the boobs. Yeah, exactly.

I can be the boobs. Give me a couple of weeks. A couple of weeks, a couple of double burger days. Yeah. You'll get there. I can eat my way to boobs. From October the 1st, you will only have to pay an application fee rather than a whole new fee to reset your driver's licence

if you failed it. Which is great for those that constantly fail their licence. Yes. How much does it cost? Okay, beautiful. You are proving yourself a worthwhile broadcasting adversary. Because she's got the info. She's got the information of which I was about to ask for.

Thank you. Well, the initial cost to book is going to rise slightly. They got you. They got us. Yeah. They got us. So like if you were someone who studied hard, you're always going to pass it.

You're actually going to pay a little bit more. So for your learners from $93.90 to $96.10. Oh my God. I'm not going to age myself, but I'm pretty sure it was like $30 when I got my learners. 90 what? You're restricted is going from 134.8 to 167.50. Jeez.

Now, that's the most expensive one because you're restricted is when you get behind the wheel. Yeah, you go out with the instructor, yeah. That's for like how long? No. But the full you do now too, right? No, you do now with the full, don't you have to drive for an hour? No, the full you do, but you've already been a driver for a while, whereas the restricted one takes you from pen and paper

to being in the car with them. And then the full licence is now going to be a little bit cheaper from $109.50 to $98.90. 90. So, Shannon at the social media desk, who's still on your... How long have you been on your restricted? I think I'm five years deep now.

I'm 24. But then... Oh, no. Good Lord. $98 is all you need. Are you offering to pay for it? God, I've been saying... If it gets you out of trouble,

because you drive, but she drives with passengers. Yeah, I know. They're all old enough, though. But like she said before, they've all had their licence for multiple years, so technically she's not breaking the law. The issue is me breaking curfew every morning

because we start so early. Oh, my God. You can get an exemption to that, right? Yeah, but I should just get the licence. Can we just pay with the work credit card? Well, I thought you already offered. You've changed your tune. I did get a refund yesterday.

Yeah, that's free money, babe. I did get free money yesterday. No, but go buy, put them towards your bloody boots, for God's sake. No, they're too expensive. Now, so, because usually if you failed it,

which I did when I set my full licence, because lots of people, they always say like, you never pass on this the first time. But that made them decide that. I did. Yeah, yeah. Bourne did.

Yeah, but that was back in the 70s. It was in the 90s, bitch. No, it was in the 2000s. It was in the 70s, because No, it was in the 2000s It was in the 70s because I remember smoking a cigarette and stopping for a couple of beers halfway around the No seatbelts

The kids were fighting in the back rolling all around the place So now you're not going to have to pay They're going to scrap the reset fee Which is good, yeah because you don't need that stress or that cost just because you're useless Just because you sucked Mine was that, or that cost just because you're useless. Just because you sucked. Mine was

that, ironically, mine was that I didn't talk enough. I didn't say, oh, there's a this and there's a this and there's a this. I went overboard. They're like, say all the hazards. I'm like, the cyclist is up there on the left. The burn. A power line could fall on the road. The moon could hit the earth.

Yeah, the sky's really blue. I could get distracted by the clouds. Yeah, exactly. Just go overboard. Yeah, the sky's really blue. I could get distracted by the clouds. Yeah, exactly. Just go overboard. Yeah, totally. Well, I didn't go overboard enough. Producer Jared, how many times did you fail your learners? Three times in the same day. Oh, that's the written one, right? Yeah. Oh, hon.

Did you not know what to do when you pass a horse? No, there was like sound the alarm. Sound the alarm. Toot and wave. There were some answers that were so obvious, I thought they were kind of trick questions because the main one... You tried to psychoanalyse the learners test.

The main one that tripped me up was apparently when you reverse, you're supposed to get out the car, walk around it, check for any obstructions. Nobody does that. Yeah, that's what I thought. I was like, that's ridiculous.

Who does that? And got that wrong and failed. I came so close to failing. Was the Lunas one where there's oral questions at the end? There was an oral component. There was an oral component. And so I was in this room of like 15 or 10. No, I think you start with oral.

No, my oral was at the end. I was oral and then they're in the room. The scratchy, scratchy. No, mine was scratchies and then the questions. And I was in this room of like 10 people and he'd asked all of these people the easy questions. And then I'm last and I'm like, oh, he can't ask me any of those questions

because I've heard the answers. And then he says to me, name the three times you don't have to wear a seatbelt. And that's why I'll always remember this question. When you're going off a cliff. No. When you're only popping out to the shops. Yeah, and when you're popping out to the shops

and when you're doing some drifting. When you're doing Tokyo Drift because you want to get the full swing. Reversing. No, you don't take your belt off. Someone could absolutely slam into you. You don't have to wear a seatbelt reversing. No, you don't take your belt off. Someone could absolutely slam into you. You don't have to wear a seatbelt reversing. What?

I'm pretty sure that was a thing. And there's, when you're pregnant, if you have an exemption, I think. Not anymore, surely. That sounds like some 90s crazy. You know, there were like, there were three times you didn't have to wear, and also,

if you are physically unable to turn around to see behind you, when you're restrained by a seatbelt, you are... So when you're reversing. ...permitted to take it off. And if you're an enforcement officer transporting a person who isn't an enforcement officer, where it might be considered impractical or dangerous to wear a seatbelt,

or you are executing work duties. Those are the three now. Yeah, there must have been some different ones. And then there was one about a tow bar or towing or something. I don't know. I got all these hard ones, but I passed. Good Lord. Well done.

All right, so we want to know this morning how many times you've failed. I know. Because you're not going to have to pay the fee now. And in memory of this fee, we want to get your money's worth out of this extra fee you had to pay over and over again. Surely some people. Yeah.

I mean, we're starting at three. We've got... Can you beat three? Two or three? Jared is the benchmark of poor driving. Failing three times in one day. We're talking about how many times you failed your licence tests. Yes.

You don't have to pay to reset it now. Yeah, from October 1st. You can fail away. Fail away re-sit it now. Yeah, from October 1st you can fail away. Fail away. Fail away. Fail away. Oh my God. Can I tell you a funny story? I'm really going to like this. This is very unrelated, but it just talked to me about fail away.

Paul Ego, we were on tour and a woman came through the green room and she said I'm just passing through. And Paul goes, pass away. Pass away? As in die? Yeah, yeah, no. The funny bit was that she was like

80 years old. Right. Okay, right. Anyway, I guess you had to be there. Yeah, pretty low. I guess you had to be there. It was funny. Location centric. Pass away. Pass away. Pass away. Thanks for that. Pass away. 0800Diles., you can call, text 9696. How many times have you failed?

Let's start with Taylor. Taylor, what's the magic number? Well, I failed two of my licenses. I failed my learners once, and then I failed my restricted twice. How do you fail your restricted twice? What were you getting wrong? It was, I set it in West Auckland in a double lane roundabout and I failed twice on the double lane roundabout. Double lane roundabouts are pretty low.

Lots of indicating as well. I'll be honest, I'll be honest, Taylor. I'll go skewer through a double lane roundabout even now. I'll just slide on over between the lanes. You love an indicate out. I do too. Some people don't indicate out. I strictly enforce it as well. Vaughan, are you an indicate out of lane roundabout even now. Oh, just slide on over between the lanes. You love an indicate out. I do too. Some people don't indicate out. I strictly enforce it as well.

Is Vaughan, are you an indicate out of a roundabout? It depends on the moment. Yeah, you're such an errand. I always say, you know, you've got to let that guy know. He's just waiting there for you and you're turning left. He doesn't know. Yeah. And so each time, Taylor, you had to pay the fee again.

Yeah. Oh, okay. Gone. There you go. And then you passed it finally. You remember the hot Danish twins. I don't think you ever had the pleasure. The hot Danish twins. Just on roundabouts. No. Oh, okay. Go on. There you go. And then you passed it finally. You remember the hot Danish twins? I don't think you ever had the pleasure. The hot Danish twins.

Just on roundabouts. No, no, no. She can stay. Taylor can stay. Sorry, Taylor. The hot Danish twins passed their driver's license, and then they were driving once, and they flew into a roundabout and nearly caused a crash. And I said, what the hell's going on?

Didn't you just pass your license? And they said, yes. I said, did you go through roundabout? They said, yes, it was very quiet. Is the rule not first in here first served? No. No, you give way to the right. Yeah, no.

Taylor, thank you. Vikas, good morning. How many times did you fail? Vika? Oh, sorry, Vika? Vika? Vikas. Vikas, yeah, yeah.

Vikas. Vikas, yeah. Vikas. Vikas. Okay, Vikas. Yeah, in New Zealand it was a couple of times, but in Dubai I failed nine times. Nine times! I was literally about to say when we were talking about, you know, first and first served,

when I was in Dubai the rule was just toot and just toot and toot and toot and just let them know that you come through and then you toot and just toot and just toot and toot and toot and just let them know that you come through and then you toot and you toot and you toot. Oh, it's like, you know, I can drive anywhere in the world. Like, I drive in India and it's like, you know, in India

it's not give way, it's take way. Take way. I like that. Yeah, but in Dubai, like, you know, you had to give your test in a manual car and it wasn't that I was making any Yeah, but in Dubai, like, you know, you had to give your test in a manual car and it wasn't that I was making any mistake, but it's just that, you know, they had a number of people they could pass in a day

and I just missed out. So nine times I failed. Did you have to pay each time? Yes, I had to. Oh, my God. Oh, no. That's got to be, you must have one of the most expensive licenses.

In the world. In the world. Probably. Wow. Amazing. Thank you for sharing. Let's go to Melissa. Melissa, how many times have you failed?

I failed my full license twice. Okay. I had my restricted so long that it expired and I had to renew it before getting my full life. Wait, isn't it five years or something like that? I think it was. Yeah. This is going to be our Shannon.

This is going to be our Shannon. Oh my God, look at Shannon opening up her license to see if it's expired. Is it? When does it expire, Shannon? I've only got like six months. Yes! The clock is ticking.

The clock is ticking. The clock is ticking. The hand is forced. I love this. Very timely, Melissa, actually. Thank you, Melissa. Somebody messaged in saying, I wrote off my car on my restricted test. They don't say whether or not they passed or failed,

but I reckon they probably failed. Because you go into a 100K zone on your restricted A. I didn't. I went on an AD. Okay. And I drive too slow. I have a friend that got told to turn down a one-way street by the tester and because it was entrapment. Well, you

can't do that. Yeah, they did. Oh. Somebody said that they've been on there restricted for 28 years. Too scared to go for full. Please don't expire. But 28 years. We just keep renewing it. Well, 28 years, maybe before they expired.

But surely they expire. No, surely that's expired. Licenses themselves expire. Yeah. But don't you just reorder it? I had to go in and get a new photo and everything, do the eye test. Yeah, so did I. But do they do that if you're 28 years later and you're restricted?

I don't know. It's weird that in 28 years they've never been like, Well, you've also got to think about your insurance because if you have a crash and there are people in the car or you're out of curfew, they're not going to pay. My son felt as restricted five times. On one attempt, the examiner pointed out that a plainclothes cop was following him

and he was doing over the speed. Just moment, slow down, mate. We've got a plainclothes cop behind us. He's like, man, this is how I'm going to drive. Might as well practice. My brother felt as restricted five times, made me terrified to sit mine.

When I finally did sit it I passed on the first go. Yeah. Still says all the time he's a better driver than me. I said testing officer sure doesn't think so.

Yeah lots of people multiple times so there you go. The news is if you fail it and need to re-sit it you don't need to pay the whole fee again.

All these messages as well have just made me feel super safe out there on our roads. Someone just said they failed their learners six times because they just didn't study or practice. Just keep going and be like, I'll give it another whack. Just read the bloody book. Boy Math is taking over now. Do you have an intro for Boy Math, taking over.

Now, do you have an intro for Boy Math, Vaughan? Play the Girl Math and we'll just overdub it. Okay. Girl Math. Boy Math. Boy Math. Boy Math. Boy Math.

Yeah, that was good. That was good. You couldn't even tell it's like we're doing it in a studio. Girl Math is traditionally girls justifying spending. Yes. is traditionally girls justifying spending by breaking down the cost of that purchase to make it significantly nothing. But boy math is real mean. It's not even math.

It's not even math. Boy math is women attacking men for faults, which a lot of them are very fair. A lot of them are justified completely. Right. Give us some examples. Do you want to hear some? Yeah.

Boy Math is demanding a prenup when you earn $45,000. You won't get a dime out of me. Something in a real full on, like some of the, like, I might give that one a wide, I might give that one a wide berth.

Boy Math is wanting zero kids but having zero condoms on hand. Yep, great. Boy Math is how five foot nine measures six foot. Yeah, that's a good one. Come on, guys always round up. So wait, Boy Math is just men taking the piss. Boy Math is putting on a jersey with another man's grown name on it

underneath a number while every Sunday mocking the beehive. On every Sunday while mocking the beehive. On every Sunday while mocking the beehive. So they're saying they can be in a fandom, very specific fandom, but not appreciate other ones. Right. Right. Boymath is, the original

Boymath is quite from Clueless, from Cher from Clueless. He said he'd call the next day, but in boy time that means Thursday. So that's Boymath. Boymath is having a 70 inch television but that means Thursday. So that's boy math. Boy math is having a 70-inch television but no dining table. So basically,

it's critical observations of men with a number attached. Yeah, right. Okay. That's mean. That's not wrong. Yeah.

Boy math is not having any gold but accusing a woman of being gold diggers. Great. Great. Yeah. Boys are silly.

Georgia Burt chuckling in the background. Boy Mathers knowing everything about your favourite rapper but not knowing their kid is allergic to nuts. What? Oh, your own kid. Your own kid. So it's just talking about useless men. What about that one that was in the group chat? That was a very good one.

I don't know if I can read that out. You could replace some words. Oh, no. Now I want to know. Boymath is opening up your marriage so you can sleep with other people and then getting mad because your wife is sleeping with significantly more people and you've severely overestimated your market value. Yeah.

It is always funny hearing guys talking about open relationships. Didn't you know someone that happened to? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They were like, we need to open up the relationship. And then the woman just went out and

Hoon destroyed a city. Yeah. Yeah. And he was like, oh man. Yeah. Play. ZM's Fletchvorn and Hayley.

Girl Mass. Girl Mass. Girl Mass. Girl Mass. We're shaking it Girl math is Why the hell it's everywhere at the moment isn't it It's bloody everywhere We're going to justify a purchase for one caller Carl Fletcher welcome to the show Oh my god Now we are sick to death No of this man, this childless man.

I'm not doing girl math. Get someone for girl math. He's doing all right for himself. Oh no. And he won't buy himself a pair of fricking boots that he's been talking about and wanting for so long. I just walked past the store and I said, those are nice boots.

And then I saw how much they are and I'm not buying these boots. This better not result in him getting a free pair of these boots. We're not buying him boots. I'm not buying these boots. No, RM Williams is an Australian company. They're going to give a toss about us. Oh, they'll have a New Zealand distributor. Are they the classic?

No, no. No, that's the one. Those are my RMs. Those are born wears, though. Well, don't want to show them to you. Born and people from Christchurch wear those. George has got a pair. On behalf of myself and people of Christchurch, we're offended. Which, by the way, there is a lake in Hagley Park. Are you going these lace-ups? I've always people from Christchurch wear those. On behalf of myself and people of Christchurch, we're offended.

Which, by the way, there is a lake in Hagley Park. Are you going these lace-ups? I've always said that. Where are the lace-ups? You can't get RMs and have a lace-up RM. That's not RMs. No, there's these real nice lace-up ones, but the laces are like leather, which I don't like,

so you'd have to get proper laces. But, like, they are ridiculously expensive. $749. Which is why I was like, no, no, no expensive. $749. Okay, we're starting high. Which is why I was like, no, no, no. See, this is why boys... They last a lifetime. I'd girl math this before we even knew what girl math was

when I was buying these boots. And I said to Shadow, they last a lifetime. I got a deal. It came with a belt. So that's a freebie. I got the belt for free. Do you know how much money that is? Oh, it's $749.

That is ridiculous. That is the one pair of boots. They are my nice boots, and they will be my nice boots till I die, and I realise it was a lot of money. And then your daughters can inherit them one day. Yeah. Well, they don't have size 11 footers. You've got a big foot.

Size 13 women's. A couple of hundred dollars most for a pair of boots. A couple of hundred? What kind of leather boots are you getting for $200? I don't know, but that is so expensive. It's the most expensive item of clothing I own. Yeah. By a mile.

Yeah, right. Can I ask, when you go out, what nice shoes do you wear? I don't go out. This is why I wear... No, when you go to a wedding, what nice shoes do you wear? I've got some black dress shoes. How embarrassing. They're embarrassing.

What do you mean, how embarrassing? They're nice. They're your town shoes. Yeah. He puts them on to go to town. They're point black dress shoes. How embarrassing. They're embarrassing. What do you mean how embarrassing? They're nice. Are they your town shoes? Yeah. He puts them on to go to town. Pointy town shoes. You can get into the pubs. They're my town sketches.

What were those? Royals. They're royals. Oh, my God. I never own those. I never own those. Men in your 40s, look back now and be ashamed of your royals. I think girlies, come on in.

Shannon, Carwin. Because, look, we had a few messages for girl math. And we just need to get this out of the way. Get these boots in your house. Okay, if you can girl math me on these boots, I will be impressed. Oh, this is light work. Oh, okay. Well, we need to do, like, so, because you've been to so many weddings in the last two years.

I've got a lot coming up. Yeah. Predominantly homosexual weddings as well. So you've got to look nice. Oh, yeah. It just means you've got to look nice. Or it just means you've got to look nice. Okay, yeah, that's true. If you're going to hetero weddings, you can kind of get away with a sloppy shoe.

Sloppy shoe. Plastic sole goes by. If you're heading to a gay wedding... You know all the gays at that wedding are judging your footwear. The expectation is so much higher. So how many weddings? One, two, three, four-ish weddings?

I guess, yeah. Plus mine next year. And if you are coming to Italy and you're coming to my wedding... You're not wearing your royals. No, Vaughan and I are wearing white linen and sandals. No, Aaron's wearing... You can't... We're all wearing white linen.

We're all wearing white linen. You're telling my grandma I'm going to be wearing wings as well. Vaughan and I have already purchased our Richard Branson linens. Okay. Oh, fine. I mean, should we start with the cost per wear? I mean, it's Vaughn and I have already purchased our Richard Branson linens Okay Oh fine I mean should we start with the cost per wear I mean it's bloody easy

Yeah looking online it's got about a 15 to 20 year Expectancy of how long it'll go Oh my god If you're dividing that by 750 We're looking at less than $50 a year That's less than a dollar a week We're talking what 20 cents a day If that 20 cents a day, if that.

20 cents a day for the next 20 years. Are you kidding me? Even if you break it down to 50 a year. I'm sure there's some sort of RM, we'll cross to our RM correspondent, Georgia Burt. Isn't there some sort of deal, like, there's a lot they'll fix them, they'll polish them, there's a

whole lot of stuff where if something goes wrong, they'll take care of it. No, you're not thinking about Hayley's handbag or the one that she lost. No, but you're right. They do. It's like a forever care thing. So then you're going, how much would you spend at the cobbler? I mean, you harp on about how big a cobbler is. I've got a good cobbler.

Every time I've had boots resold or patched or something, it's like almost the cost of a cheap pair of boots, $100. So now you're going $50 a year minus $100 a year. Right. You're making money as a second salary of $50 a year. I wouldn't even do that to the idea. That's about a national tax cut, I think. Don't mean to get political, shouldn't have.

Couldn't help myself. Yeah. Also, can we add, Fletch buys everything on his Amex because he gets the air points. Amex points! He's going to get the points. Oh, my God.

It's a points haul. What would $749 equate to in the points? Well, it would be that many points. Well, that's... Yeah. And those points, you can spend these dollar for dollar? No.

What do they convert to? What do you convert them to? All kinds of things. All kinds of things. They change. They fluctuate. Can you convert them to, like, air points? Yeah, you things. They change. They fluctuate. Can you convert them to like air points? Yeah, you can, yeah.

So what's their conversion rate for air points? Are we getting a free trip to Melbourne out of a pair of RM boots? No shit, no. Okay, okay. We're getting the bit that way. But we could be getting a free trip to Christchurch where you might meet a beautiful woman and find yourself a wife. And you know what you can wear on your feet to that trip to Christchurch?

Because only RM Williams. RM Williams. Right, yeah, okay. Christchurch loves RM Williams. And then you meet your forever partner and then you get married and trust me as a man who has been married for nearly 13 years,

you can't put a price on that sort of happiness. And I'll tell you what, he might get Margaret back if he's been in a period of time. Oh my goodness. She's from Christchurch. Margaret. My fictitious partner. Where are you coming from?

So I have this thing called the five uses rule. I do this to all my friends. I go, how many ways could you use this product or how many ways could you wear it? Now with shoes, how many ways could you wear it? There's five different ways that you can wear this, right? On your hands? Yeah, gloves.

So number one, to these weddings that you're speaking of. Yeah, formal shoe. Number two, to work. Yeah, he could because they translate. Because these grey New Balances are embarrassing and that's coming from me. That's why I'm quite sorry.

I love my New Balance. They're cute. Number three, to town. Town up. You go to town all the time. I don't. You don't. Well, didn't you have a

aren't you going to Met and Code this weekend? Loves it. Okay, number four. Let's go to left field. Number four. Number four, you can wear them to some concerts.

They would have been real cute at the Wiggles. Very comfortable to stand in, actually. You can stay on your feet. I was a groomsman of my RNs on my feet all day. Hayley, I don't know. When we went to Florence and the Machine, Hayley kept spilling the stuff on my shoes. I don't know what it was, but it stained them.

Yeah, but they're leather. Vapor rub. Right. And then number five, two, those lovely dates that you go on. Yes, dinner with Mark. Dinner with Mark's lovely dates. Dinner with Mark's, no Mark left behind. I really think for 50 bucks a year.

Hey, hey, hey, texts. What? Okay, texts. Christ Gertronian here, which I believe is how you are referred to. I can confirm RM's happy, fine love. My friend splashed out on some. Got some RM Williams. Two weeks later, he finds a lovely girl.

Do it. Together, they're very happy. My partner's had RM since he was 18. He's 30 now. Has had them resold once for free. And he wears them a minimum of twice a week, if not more. See, that's good girl math. That's bloody good girl math, actually.

The nation's behind this purchase. Please do it. And the air points, hon. The air points. The air. Please do it. And the ear points, hon. The ear points. The ear points. Think of the ear points. Yeah, think of the ear points. I know it's a big bite.

And I take care of mine. I polish them before and after I use them every time. Yeah, that's nice. You like taking care of your things. You don't take care of anything. I know, but I take care of these. It's basically free. You're making $50 a year from these at least.

I tried to polish my children and they're just like, leave me alone. Yeah, they're like, what is this? All right, well, let's just put that in the maybe. No, let's put it in the cart. Let's get it done, baby.

Add it to the cart. Play ZM's Fletch, Vaughn and Hayley. I wear peach to my wedding. Well, you won't let us wear white anymore. Okay, no peach. Well, you can't. What's Aaron going to wear?

I thought he was wearing oat. He's wearing oaty. Well, I'll go whiter than the oat. There's been a lot of argument during that song about the fact that Vaughn and I aren't allowed to wear oat linen to Hayley's wedding. Which we've also yet to officially be invited to. Which is awkward because we've ordered the doves. And the butterflies.

No doves. The whole vibe is low key. Why is there doves now? I've been practising my songs. No speeches, no songs. My seal, kissed by a rose. Don't Wyatt it. Don't bloody doves me.

Hayley made a bizarre flex this morning. I liked it to be fair. This is the sort of flex I'm here for. Let me get it open because I bought this aesthetic purposes only. I bought a navy blue toaster and a navy blue jug to tie in with my green and blue kitchen. Sounds rogue, but it's very elegant.

Very elegant, yeah. It's very nice. Are you going to drop a brand here? It's Breville. Oh, yeah, I had a Breville. I had a Breville. What? I've got my Breville jugs open.

Breville. Hang on. Navy blue jug. My last jug was a Breville and it had different temperatures for like you could do green tea. Do you not have that jug anymore? Well no because it kept like flashing on and off and you'd just be watching the TV and it would be like beep. I've boiled some water for you. I was like I think this is time this jug goes.

Yeah. So what did you replace it with? Another jug. a white one. A different jug? A different brand. Okay. Does it have the thing of doing the different temperatures? No, but it says the temperature on it, so I could stop it if I wanted. Yeah, right.

Then you've got to watch it. But it's nice. Mine's just like boil the water and don't boil the water. I do my own temperature regulating. Okay. Now, the thing is, it's perfect, right? It's the Breville Soft Top Luxe Kettle. Oh.

Oh. Posh. Soft Top Jewel Kettle? It's this one. Soft Top Luxe Kettle. No, not Jewel. Just singular. But here it is.

I'll send it to you. Soft Top Luxe. Okay. Well, I don't care. It's in damson blue. It's in damson blue. Coming to the group chat now. Blue caviar.

No, damson. It's in the chat. You come in this morning to work, and you're like, guys, I've got the fastest kettle. There'm looking at a blue caviar. No, Dampson. It's in the chat. You come in this morning to work and you're like, guys, I've got the fastest kettle. There's nothing soft. The fastest kettle. There's nothing soft about this blue.

This is a midnight blue. This is a midnight blue. Yeah. I mean, it would look horrific in anyone else's kitchen. But in mine, so magnifique. Now, it's just a fast kettle.

And yesterday, because I haven't been having a lot of cups of tea and yesterday I felt I needed, after having two burgers, to have a cup of tea for dinner. So I said to Aaron, I was like, make us a tea, I love.

And then he was like, yeah, make us a cup of tea, babes. And I put the jug on instantly. It's hot. It's crazy. It goes, wow. And then it's hot. It's so, so fast. And then I remembered that once I made a builder a cup of tea

when he came for a meeting, and then I boiled the jug, and he said, you got yourself a fast jug there. And I really feel like- I want a fast jug, because the stand-down time between filling it and clicking it and walking away, I'll forget that I turned the jug on. Well, I will say I also forgot, but I got distracted by other things.

Yeah. And then you go back and you click it again, and then you step out to get a spoon, And then you go back and you click it again and then you step out to get a spoon and then you come back and you click it again. Do you like to refill yours each time you bought? Yeah, because some people just leave a manky water in there for like a week and then they'll boil it. Oh, no, no, no.

It's never in there for water. Remember when I used to empty out my hot water bottle back into the jug and then re-boil it and put it into the thing? Yeah, yuck. And then once I found bits of rubber in my cup of tea. Yeah, well, you don't do that. Well I'm not doing that with the Breville soft top

luxe damson blue. What are you getting paid for this mentioning this? No, I'm not. I paid for it. So you've just got a super quick kettle. Man, it's quick. Have you guys got flash appliances? Because mine's quick. You've got a slow kettle. No, I've got a slow kettle and a bum holter. My default insult for my toaster

was I've got this butthole of a toaster. A bumhole toaster? What is that? My default insult for my toaster was I got this butthole of a toaster. Right. It doesn't toast enough and then it over toasts. Oh, that's just every toaster. No, I've got to tell you, my brievel that matches it, I've got the matching brievel.

I've got the set. I've got the set. She's got the combo. Don't even have to flip the bread. You don't even have to flip the bread. Okay, I want that in black. Just toast evenly. Wow.

Non-spawn. Non-spawn. It's just bloody fast, I tell you. Wow, okay. If I ever come over to your house and you offer me a cup of tea, I'll be like, I can't be bothered waiting. Do you know what? Next time you come over, next time you come over, bring your kettle and let's have a race, bitch. Next time you come over,

bring the kettle. Yeah, I will, bitch. I'll see you there. We'll call it the kettle off. Yeah. Let's all bring our kettles in tomorrow and we'll have a kettle race. Yeah, great. Tune in tomorrow. Let's get a kettle off. Wait, are we plugging them all into like a multi-box? Because will we blow up the...

The great Kiwi kettle off. I don't know if we've... No, we've all got our own plugs to charge our laptops during the show. Unplug that. Jugs go in. No, you can't use these plugs. Are drugs a hydrant device? Yeah, they are. We'll have to get a... Probably have to get a generator in or something. No, no, no, no, no, because that will affect the speed. And then everyone at home can also set their jugs up at the same time.

And we're going to put in the same amount of water. How do we know that people at home are putting in the same temperature water that we're putting in? Obviously, it's easy to do here because we've got a cold tap that runs at cold. If you're down south and there's a cold snap, the cold water in your pipes. Yeah. They're like your kettle tonight. If you're in Rotorua Your water is Slightly above Because of the geothermal

Okay what's gonna happen is We're gonna do a tap We're gonna do tap water And we're gonna put a thermometer in it Oh okay Wow this is getting really serious And then we're gonna get The tap water to a nice

Even Nationwide Room temp Yep We're gonna put a litre of it Into the jug We're gonna push the jug I'll tell you what

My breath will soft top Jug race tomorrow And Damson Blue will win I'll tell you what. We've got a jug race. My breath will soft top. Jug race tomorrow. And Damson Blue will win. I'll see you there, bitches. But what if everybody else is going to, what if somebody else has the same jug as you, but. Cold water.

No, because we're trying to get that. Yeah. No, we're going to regulate that. Fluctuating temperature, fluctuating voltage. Yeah, okay. Well, let's try it tomorrow. Yeah, we'll try to work out all the kinks. We'll have our jug race in studio. And you can just jug race at home if you want. Yeah, okay. Well, let's try it tomorrow. We'll try to work out all the kinks. We'll have our jug race in studio, and you can just jug race at home if you want.

Yeah, play along at home. Do this tomorrow post 8am for the great Kiwi kettle off. I love this idea. I love this idea. Shana's going to be, I don't want to lose, I might go buy a new kettle. Shana's going to be living,

she's going to wake up in the morning for a coffee, and she's going to be like, what the hell has he taken the jug for? Just tell her to boil a pot on the stove. Oh, how embarrassing. Play. It's Fletch for the daily. Play.

Fact of the Day. Kat, long time listener of the show. She's been listening for a very long time. Kat Stevenson. Oh, close. She is a classics teacher. She says she's been loving Ancient Rome Fact of the Day. Oh, great.

We love it too. And I said, well, you're a teacher. Give me something. Give me, give me, give me, give me, give me, give me. And she said, okay, what about Commodus? Who is it? Harquin Phoenix played. Joaquin?

Sorry, I say that wrong every time. You do. Joaquin Phoenix played in Gladiator. Oh, okay. Oh, okay. Oh, yeah. It was a little B. They're making a second one. They're making a second one.

It's been filmed or it is filming. Oh, with Russell? I don't know. Not that I doubt we could get back into that shape, but it was insane. Yeah. He's not in his bloody 20s anymore. No, I don't know who's in the Gladiator 2.

Let me look. I love that film so much, Gladiator. It's a great film. So it'll be out in 2024. Paul Mescal. Oh, great. Oh, there you go. From the sexy one.

Denzel Washington, Russell Crowe, Connie Nelson, Pedro Pascal is in it. Russell Crowe's playing. I feel like Jason should be in there. You know what I mean? Yeah. Spoiler alert. Didn't he die at the end of the first one?

Didn't he die in the arena? He doesn't die? Yeah. Spoiler alert, didn't he die at the end of the first one? Didn't he die in the arena? No, he doesn't die. Yeah. This is serving as a prequel to Gladiator. So maybe they'll de-age him. How is it going to be a prequel? And de-tum him. It'll be a small role from Russell. Yeah, I think so. I think that's why the actors

strike still ongoing. They're waiting to get the de-tumming. They're waiting for Russell to shred. So this guy was insane. Kind of his insanity was touched upon in the movie. He was like brutal and insane and did horrible things. But in real life, he was also like crazy. He had a very inappropriate relationship with his sister. That's a story for another time.

A little bit Game of Thrones. Yeah. Big, big Game of Thrones. The original Game of Thrones. So his father was a well-respected emperor. He became emperor. He renamed all the months after himself. You might be thinking, how did he have 12 names?

He gave himself a whole lot of names as well. So they were like Invictus, Felix, Pius, Lucius, and just named all after himself, basically. Augustus was the only name that stuck, that has continued to. But other things he did, he believed he was Hercules. The Roman Empire came after the Greek Empire. He believed he was Hercules reborn,

so he'd dress up for as him for battles in the arena oh but in the arena he wouldn't fight gladiators he would fight disabled people in gladiator costumes this guy sounds crazy and he would he would charge his own government a million surstercies which is the currency to fight every time he did when he'd go into the arena and fight people with disabilities, which equates to about $4 million New Zealand dollars these days. Oh, my Lord. And he'd go out there and he would often have his bodyguards,

if someone even with a disability was looking like they were getting the upper hand, the bodyguards would step in. Well, this is not a fair fight, is it? No, and he would also say he was going to fight all these wild animals, but he'd fight things like giraffes and other herbivores. They were like thrashing their heads around?

Yeah, herbivores that weren't aggressive. And he would fight them, but he'd just stand on a raised plinth and just shoot them with bows and arrows. I'd take the front legs out. Yeah, because they would just be so top-heavy. Yeah. I'd just have one leg out.

I mean, I don't want to, but if I had to. Three-legged giraffe. Let me Google that. That'd be good. The balance would be too much. That'd be easy fodder for a lioness to take down in a hunt on the plains there in Africa. I want to apologise. Maximus Meridius does die at the end of Gladiator.

Yeah. Because he stabs him with a body knife. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, he definitely does. So today's fact of the day is the character Commodus from Gladiator that was played by Joaquin Phoenix was a real life Roman emperor who was insane on all levels. Fact of the day, day, day, day, day. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. Play.

ZM's Fletch Vaughan and Hayley. So apparently Lynn Spears, who is the mother of Ms. Brittany Spears. They're not getting on right now. It's strange. She is $660,000 in debt after Brittany has refused to pay for her lawyer's fees during the whole conservatorship, leave me alone, don't take my money thing.

And now Brittany's not giving her any money that mum and dad were living off this whole time. So she's actually gone back to teaching elementary school as a substitute teacher. I imagine that. I know. So, yeah, she's 68 years old, past retirement years, and she's having to go back to try to earn a little bit of dough.

She still lives in a $2 million mansion that was built for her by her famous daughter. Yeah, rates, though. Yeah, I know. Those are going to be cheap. They're saying that subbies, subteachers in that area where she lives, earn around $15 an hour. I always felt bad for the substitute teachers

because sometimes you could just see the blood in everybody's eye. But you'd just take a piss and you'd be like, here we go. Here we go. Here's a fun day. Here's a day we can slack off. Not so much a primary. At primary, I've talked about the lovely Ellen Bagnall Who used to just do clay

We used to do clay figurines and little maths things It was really fun All day If he was our substitute teacher We just did clay all day Wait but what was he meant to be substituting Who cares looking after kids Not learning that much

But at high school man we'd take the course. Yeah. Do substitute teachers get paid a bit more? So I remember a teacher telling, our teacher came back, she'd been sick, and she said, how was the substitute, how was the relief teacher? Yeah. And we were like, oh, good, we didn't do much work. And she said, you think you'd be doing more work

given that her daily rate's more than mine. Like that sort of... Whoa! Okay, wow. Which was like over the top. But I always remember the teacher saying it. And I remember going home and saying to mum, oh, this is what the teacher said.

And the teacher said, mum was like, that's interesting. So a relief teacher per day gets more money, but they don't work every day. Yeah. Which is how contractors and stuff work, right? You always get paid if you're working. Not guaranteed hours. You get paid more per hour, generally. We used to get this mail

because we had at Queen Margaret's we didn't have that many mail teachers but we used to get this mail relief teacher I can't remember his name but we used to hum and make him think that there was a noise What is that? Everybody does it So he thinks

There's a Oh my god If you're doing quiet work Would you rather Nudge towards him And be like And she'd take over So I could take a breath

Would you rather teach At an all girls school Or an all boys school I did a bit of teaching At an all boys school When I left drama school It was horrendous But which would be worse

Boys Boys No but wouldn't The girls be worse? Yeah, girls are a little brat. Now, girls are bitchy to each other, but not the teachers. They might be savagely to the teachers,

but then you get to farewell them, but the boys would just be a handful, full-blown handful the whole time, wouldn't they? I feel like all boys are handfuls, whereas at girls' school, there's a couple of real nightmare girls. Well, I always feel sorry for the relief teachers,

which is what we call them in New Zealand. It substitutes what Americans call them. We used to call them substitute, yeah. Relief or substitute. I want to know how bad the substitute teacher had it. Yeah. Like, because I remember like some of them just, yeah. We made one of them cry.

They get driven to the point of insanity some days. Yeah, I know. Just these little, and just real manipulative stuff like that, put in a bloody, just humming in their ear and making them think like, what the hell's happening here? Yeah. Yeah.

It's bad. I mean, if you're an adult and you look back and you can be like, we shouldn't have done that, that's good. But if you're looking back and be like, oh yeah, that was awesome when we made that other, when we made that adult cry as a group of children. Yeah.

That's not so awesome. But we still want to hear your story. Oh, yeah, we still want to hear that story, yeah. Maybe you are all mad. You'll ring us up and you'll feel regretful and sound regretful. Oh, my God. Maybe you pea-shooted them. Remember pea-shooters?

Should we kick off with an example? I could make a pea-shooter out of this pen right here, couldn't I? Not as good as an old Bickler. Oh, my God, you're just breaking the pen. Oh, no, no, no, no. It doesn't have the spring. No, you're not talking about a pea shooter where you chew up little bits of wet paper and go.

No, you're thinking of the Bic. We used to call them the Bic bullets. Where it had the topping on it. You can push it on real hard and you'd load the spring up. I'd absolutely just ruin this office next time. Oh my God, someone just messaged us something so mean. Okay, okay, well give us us a text, 9696.

We're going to delve into these next. 0800 dial ZM. They locked the teacher in the cupboard. No! Okay, how bad did the substitute teacher wear it? We want to know. Give us a call. Britney Spears' mum has had to go back to substitute teaching

because of her legal bills. Yes. And it's got us onto the topic of substitute teachers and how bad they got it because you'd play up because your normal teacher was away. I love the classic, like, disagree with the whole class the period before that we're not going. Yeah.

And then the teacher's like, what? Just like, leave. I mean, they still get paid. Yeah. Ashley, how bad did the replacement substitute teacher get it? Well, unfortunately, I had one of the worst year 10 passes in my school. Oh, no. We were notorious for being absolutely atrocious to the teachers.

Now, I was one of the only teachers' pets in the class. This is why I remember this mortifying moment. So the 40-hour famine was coming up, and my usual social studies teacher would coordinate the Cardboard City event. Right. So the class was chock full of cardboard, and there was a bunch of cardboard boxes by the door, and the teacher went out to confront a naughty student,

and my dear classmates decided that they would barricade the door with cardboard. Oh my god. They barricaded her in. Oh no. What, for the rest of the class? It was a hilarious thing because she was just having a bad day, I think. She was just absolutely angry and

Man, we do not pay teachers enough, eh? I will say I'm on the side of teachers here. Oh, me too. Nine years. I was so mortified, but I couldn't do anything at the time, obviously. Yeah. Did you get in trouble with the rest of the class?

Or did she know you're the teacher's kid? Every time we got in trouble, I was always in detention. Oh, no. Ashley, thank you for your call. I'm going to balance this. Okay. The kids at the local school would love it when they had a reliever because they knew the number one released reliever was going to be Mr. B.

He was and is awesome. He would, like, turn up. They didn't know if it was a reliever, and he'd knock on the door and open it up and be like, guess who? And all the kids would, like, erupt into, like, cheering and clapping, and they'd just have a great day of learning and fun. Yeah, that's cool. That's cool.

That's a rare text, though, that one. Yeah, I will probably have to make up the rest of the positive. We'll get to more of your texts and calls next. We want to know how bad the substitute teacher wore it. Some of them are not funny, naughty kids. I tell you what, we're hearing more about Mr. B, the relief teacher. Oh, really? He's the relief teacher at my kid's school, so I'm going to say she loves it when he's in.

Same thing as always, just to have so much fun for the day. And then he accidentally forgets to hand out homework. Oh, Mr. B. He's got them worked out. I don't know who Mr. B is, but he needs a certificate. Yeah, okay.

Come on, kids, make him a macaroni certificate. Sam, you were a substitute teacher. Yes, I was, yeah. And a long time listener, first time caller. Where's the bell?

Where's the bell? Where's the bell? Yay! Welcome, welcome, Sam. Now, so you did this, what, in the UK? Yeah, so I was a full-time teacher, and then before I was going to do a bit of travelling, I thought, oh, I'll do six months supply teaching

for an agency up in North England, and I made the silly mistake of saying, oh, I don't mind going into challenging schools. Oh! Wait, is the pay better for a shitbag or, as you call it, challenging school? Well, it depends, really. The pay is better because you don't get your holiday pay through. You know, like teachers get paid for their school holidays.

As a applied teacher, you didn't get that pay. So the daily rate was actually better. Yeah, right. But it makes no difference what kind of school you're going to. No, it didn't make a difference, really. Right, right. So how bad did you get it, though? Well, I was in a school in Blackpool.

I don't know if you've been to Blackpool. Familiar with it? Familiar with the roughness of Blackpool? Yeah, yeah. It's like a poor man's Paris with the Blackpool car. So I went into this school and I already thought, I thought,

oh, there's barbed wire on the playground. Jesus. What's that doing there? So walked in and met, it was a year five class and there was three

year five classes in it. And I was chatting to the year five teacher. She was like, oh, are you ready for today? I was like, why? was like why she was like oh well this class has already been through about five supply teachers yeah cheering them out and it was only six weeks into the year um so i came in and they said right okay you got to do pe with them this morning because that's on their timetable and it was absolutely nailing it down outside and i was like well have you got like an indoor gym

or anything they were like oh we got the hall and this is like a small small hall with a stage within five minutes i had two girls that were trying to rag each other's hair out one kid was chasing another kid and going like up and down the stairs and two boys were almost like at each other's throats trying to scrap and i was trying to split them up while shouting at these girls while shouting at these girls, whilst shouting at the kid that was chasing another kid. Oh, no. Look, I can't be bothered with that.

You needed the help of Mary Poppins. There was a teaching assistant outside the room doing reading with another kid. And I was shouting, going, hello, can I have some help in here? And she just point blank ignored me. Didn't even look up. She's annoyed that classmate. Okay, no, yeah, that's it.

Do you teach in New Zealand? Is it better here? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's much better here. Well, they offered me a full-time job at that school at the end of that week. And I said, no, I'm all right. And then two months later,

moved to New Zealand. And yeah, taught in New Zealand for three, three and a half years. So I supplied it at school and then they took me on and it was awesome, yeah. Oh, my God. Teachers that go, like, New Zealanders who qualify as teachers

and then go to the UK are always just like, never again. Yeah, yeah. You don't understand how bad it is. They're, like, crying to and from work. Yeah. So you can back that up. I got a good job and a good school and, you know, the kids even stood up and said good morning to me.

I was, like, shocked as I walked through the door. Amazing, Sam. Thank you so much. A couple of quick text messages running out of time. Oh, yeah. There's so many of them. Jerry Brownlee was our teacher

when he was trying to get into Parliament. But it was like a part-time fill-in sort of a gig. He just stayed in his office and the only time we saw him was when he had pizzas

delivered to the classroom and we had to take them through to his office and the only time we saw him was when he had pizzas delivered to the classroom and we had to take them through to his office. Oh my gosh. That is wild. Yeah. Another text about Mr. B. And what a legendary

relief teacher he is. I made this guy. He sounds fantastic. He's one, this is a little country school with a really short relief teacher. She was an old bag

but it was really so short we used to put all the whiteboard markers on top of the board so she couldn't read. This sounds too good to be true. We had an overseas teacher for a day and in the class

learning, we were doing debating at the time. English was their second language. She said to the class, alright, split into two. We're about to have a mass debate. And the whole class lost it she never regained control she never regained control

yeah you're not coming back from that no no no you're done well congratulations to you podcast listeners you've reached the end so I would assume

if you've listened all this way through you're either asleep in which case wake up or you enjoyed it so drop us a review

and tell your friends that's how podcasts work.