ZM's Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley - Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley's Christmas Cocktail Special - 10th January 2025

Episode Date: January 9, 2025

On Today's Christmas Cocktail Special; Warning: there are definitely some questionable accents in this one...See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

For a few years in the 1970s, the Mr. Asia syndicate made millions. Heroin creates its own market. It acts like a form of plague. Until jealousy, betrayal and murder brought it all crashing down. Clark would have threatened him. Go and kill him. If you don't, I'm going to kill you and your wife and your son. This is Mr. Asia, A Forgotten History. All episodes now available on iHeartRadio, Apple, Spotify or wherever you get your son. This is Mr. Asia, a forgotten history. All episodes now available on iHeartRadio, Apple, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. Sledgeborn and Hayley's Christmas Cocktail Special. Welcome to the Christmas Cocktail Special, our big pod and live show back on the 20th

of January. So this is episode 21. We're doing so well. We're doing, we're being so mature. I think there was some shloppiness the first time that we did this. Maybe last year we were a little bit further along.

I'm feeling good. Yeah. I mean, the espresso martini really is the turning point in the road, obviously.

Officially? Obviously. Officer? It's the turning point officer. Nicola's first in this episode for a podcast shout out. She's 39 years old

and she comes to us from Ota Tahi Christchurch her Christmas message is eat lots, drink lots be merry merryment that's gluttony in a way the highlight of the year for her was meeting David

Walliams you met him I met him in person then we zoomed him we had a zoom chat with him. It was lovely. Yeah. He's cheeky. He is a cheeky.

Cheeky booger. More of a dry sense of humour than I even anticipated. Right. Having watched him so much when I was a kid. Well, yeah. So dry. I was like, he hates me. But you're like, no, he's being dry.

He's doing that dry British thing that you don't expect from someone who's very wet. Yes. With a sketch humour. With a sketch humour. Wet sketch. Such over the top wet sketch. Very wet. Naughtiest moment of the year.

After surgery, while in recovery, I woke up and told my anaesthetist who was asking how I felt that she looked like an ugly horse. Fuck. Oh, no. And she never spoke. This is, I don't know know We've had colonoscopies Oh my god They give you a little

Mixy mixy Of propofol Propofol And Yum yum yum Chefs Propofol Our compliments to the chef

Give me If my option People are like We're going to go for a night out I would be like Or we can stay at home And have a propofol And a 12 hour delicious

Wake up tomorrow Sleep and wake up tomorrow Feeling like a million bucks I'd go propofol. That's how Michael Jackson died. Michael Jackson did it and he died. He died from it. People die from alcohol all the time.

And then all of a sudden you're going out and drinking, doesn't it? Yeah. Just give me a little bit of propofol. Oh, my God. It's so tasty. But my worry is because they're like, it takes away your inhibitions. My worry is getting the colonoscopy, I was going to be like, in my drugged out state,

my subconscious is going to be, you know what would be a funny joke? What? Start pretending you like it. And they're like, oh yeah, doctor, now imagine you're going to get some colonoscopy.

In a dark sense of humor, it's like, that would be funny. And that's the bit that comes out. And you can't turn it off. Like when my granddad had his brain injury and the doctors are like, we will warn you,

he's likely to not have a filter. And we were just like, you have got to be so careful on who you send in. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is a man that was born and raised in rural Taranaki. The nurse is going to come in, where are they from? Where are they from?

Exactly. Where are they from? As nicely as I can possibly ask this, what size am I? Because he's going to say something about their weight. Yeah. He's going to say something about their race. He's going to say something about their race. He's going to say something about their weight. Oh my god. They would have heard it all though.

Because the one that I had a few weeks ago you know because they've always told me a couple of funny things and I've always shared them. The last time they told me the nice stuff and then I said I hope I didn't say anything outrageous and the doctor said we wouldn't tell you if you did. And I was like what does that mean? Because you're right. I was like, what does that mean?

Because you're right, I could be in there being like, fancy it. Let's go. You've already burned my ass. Pop something else in there. No other man's been in there. You remember what you said, Shannon. What did you say? So I had the

other endoscopy. And I remember they put this banana flavoured thing in your throat to numb you and I remember being like how much do you sell this for and I remember talking about it constantly and they were like please stop you've got a hose down your throat they're trying to look at you

do I do this in a lube the numbing it's so vulnerable anyway but I hope I've never criticised a nurse because she looked like a fucking ugly horse. I know. Oh, my God. I feel so bad.

Because last year, not this year, but last year, I told the nurse she was so beautiful she looked like Tony Street. Do you remember that? That's right. I just remember going like, wow, you're so beautiful. You look just like Tony Street. Yeah. And my daughter was on the gas at the hospital when she broke her arm

and she was like, when the doctor walked out and she looked at me and she's like, why did that doctor have three eyes? It was so he could see better? And I was like, oh, no. And I turned and looked at her and she's like, you've gone and got three eyes. Everybody but me. And then some other doctor came in and granted he was very sweaty,

like literally had a sweat towel he was continually wiping and he walked out and she was just like that's the sweatiest man I've ever seen. Oh no. Shush Harley. Shush, shush, shush, shush. She managed to keep it until they left the room at least. Whereas my worst nightmare is that

it's taken away and anything comes. So Nicola she said thanks for being the favourite way to start my day. Bring. So Nicola, she said, thanks for being the favourite way to start my day. Bring on 2025. Nicola, I hope there's no more anaesthetic and no more people getting called ugly horses. You just have to know that you won't have said

the worst thing they've heard. It's what I think of every appointment. My vagina is not the ugliest one they've seen. My arsehole won't be the most unkept they've seen. What if? What if it is? Are they legally required to tell you if they are? Someone's've seen. What if? What if it is? Are they legally required to tell you if they are? Someone's has to be.

What if it is mine? You wouldn't have said the worst thing they've heard. It won't be yours, man. It won't be yours. It'll get overtaken soon. You haven't seen it. Did I show you? My mould. I got my

vulva moulded. Your wife has and she said it was very pretty. Did she? Did she say it like Ke I show you? My mould. I got my vulva mould. I haven't seen it, but I have. Your wife has, and she said it was very pretty. Did she? Uh-huh. Did she say it like Keira Knightley? Yeah, the girls have seen it. It's got character. My vagina looks quite pretty, doesn't it?

Oh, my gosh. It's got character. My vagina looks quite pretty. Wait, your vagina looks like Keira Knightley. No, it speaks like Keira Knightley. Oh, it speaks like her. It looks at itself and it goes, I look quite pretty, don't I? James is about to vomit in his mouth.

Vomit? Yeah. Oh, my God, they're delightful. If your genitals had a voice, what would they sound like? Hayley first, Fletch, get thinking. Oh, no. That's going to be so rude. Hello there.

That's far too debonair. It's not yours, is it, Hugh Grant? It's way more like, I don't know. His junk. Yeah, his junk. Like the child catcher from No Good Child. Let's get the children out of it. That's a terrible euphemism.

Erase that. Terrible. Chitty Chitty Mac Mac. Terrible. His has learned Spanish. Ah. No, no, no. Hola.

Hola. Buenos dias. Yeah. Mine's, I reckon mine's fucking Hola. Hola. Hola. Hola. Hola. Buenos dias. Yeah. Yeah. Mine's, I reckon mine's fucking rough as gut. You know what I mean? Like she's like, g'day mate. Oh no.

Oh mate. No, but she's had a second wind, you know. She's fucking living life. Oh no. Right. Yeah, she's a bit raggedy. Mine's like a terrified hostage. Like what?

Not again. Please, please, please. I'm just grateful to be here. What did they say? Please don't do anything. When I talked to them, they. What did they say? Please, I'll do anything. I talked to them and I go, holding it up with a picture of a newspaper of today's day. A whimpering dick.

Please, please. I don't know what I did to deserve this. Vaughn's dick. I'm being harassed too much. Hello. I am Vaughn's penis. I am safe. They are treating me well.

Treating me very well. I am being fed. Please send the money. Just do as they say. It's a penis under duress. It really is. It's very under duress. He's circumcised.

Right, so the punishment's got physical. Oh, yeah, exactly. God, they're torturing the poor bastard. Oh, my God. Next up is Katie, long-time listener, no-time caller. Just turned 40. Hello. Your podcast gave me life.

Kia ora. It's lovely. Nicest thing that happened this year, I quit my toxic job and moved to Africa. Oh, my God. North or south? Ding, ding, ding, ding. Maybe she's gone to Sudan.

Okay, Katie. I'm going to describe to you what I'm looking like. Or maybe she's gone to South Africa and she lives in a really flesh part. You know, like she moved because she's like, my money will go further in Joburg. Yeah, but then you get there and you have to spend so much more on security. Oh, no. Yeah.

That wasn't it. I was like, oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, shit. Annoying moment of the year, took her day oh, no. I knew her. Oh, shit. Naughtiest moment of the year. Took a day off work to get married in secret. Oh, my gosh. I went to both your live shows.

Okay. Where did she go to Africa after that? Yeah, maybe. Christchurch and Auckland. And loved meeting you all, Shannon and Carlin, at the second one. Or maybe she went to both Auckland ones. Oh, yep. I was amazed at how jacked Fletch is.

I know. It's unbelievable, eh? Do you know what happens? Maybe that's his penis' voice. Come with me if you want to live. Get to the chopper. I've got to go to the gym. That was good.

That was good. It was getting there. I know. It was getting there. My penis is really jacked. Who is your daddy and what does he do? So compliment. Thank you.

Thank you for the compliment. Cara is next. She's 33 and she's from Tampa, Florida. Oh, hello. What was that? That's Tampa, Florida. They're all like sweet and lovely. I'm from Florida.

I'm on a cruise. And a little bit of that New York Jewish influence because so many of them retire down there. Oh, my God. She says, happy holidays. I really appreciate the show and it's something for me to look forward to on my own drive to work. I'm so thankful that y'all did the girl math segment

because that's how I found y'all. Arse to mouth. It's another arse to mouth conversion. Fantastic. It's great that we could get you on board there. We need to be telling our boss about how many ass-to-mouths we've brought. Yes. Can we put this down in an email for boxing?

ATMs. I'm going to catch an Uber home on the work account box. I believe we've converted enough ass-to-mouth that this warrants. Yeah. Like, you can't put a value on ass-to-mouth. I'd be like, what was this charge? You'd be like, have you seen how many ass-to-mouths we've brought to mouth? I'm going to code at ass-to-mouth conversions.

Okay. We'll see what happens. don't do that because they're just going to have to email you, what does this mean? And you'll say, you kept pushing us. We've got to bring asses to mouth. Taskmaster and started planning my own trip to New Zealand. Also, I have to say I really enjoyed Fact of the Day calendar week. It was the duddest.

It was the duddest week. That was an ass toto-mouth conversion. We've got to listen to them. They're a very important demographic for us. Well, pop in and say hi if you do make it to New Zealand. Please do. That goes for any international visitors. Don't come all this way and then be too shy to stay in Fletcher's spare room.

Oh, my God, of course. Again, again, no, no. Just have us nice milky water. You'll be fine. Yeah, I would be way over there. Lovely apartment. Yeah. Or you can come out to my place. Downstairs is a dairy can come out to my place and grab enough water to survive on.

Straight from the rain. I've got some drums you can have. No, the boar, straight from Mother Earth. Oh, straight from the boar. Suck from the teeth. Suck from Mother Earth's teeth. And then come and stay at Fletcher's. Yeah.

What can they do at your place? She's getting a spa pool. Well, they get to see all my taxidermy Yes And ooh and ah at the colours Ooh and ah like a museum trip You're like ooh but don't fucking touch anything Don't touch anything

And then get out Yeah