ZM's Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley - Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley's Christmas Cocktail Special - 11th January 2025

Episode Date: January 10, 2025

On Today's Christmas Cocktail Special; Hayley and Fletch have invented a new marketing strategy for the show!See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

For a few years, in the 1970s, the Mr Asia syndicate made millions. Heroin creates its own market. It acts like a form of play. Until jealousy, betrayal and murder brought it all crashing down. Then he just pulled out a gun, shot her in the back of the head, and then said to Wayne, you're going to help me bury her. This is Mr Asia, A Forgotten History. All episodes now available on iHeartRadio, Apple, Spotify,

or wherever you get your podcasts. Sledgeforn and Hayley's Christmas Cocktail Special. Welcome to the Christmas Cocktail Special, our big pod and live shows back on the 20th of January. Still on the raspberry caramel espresso marts. We are sipping these, nursing them. You know what? I enjoy a drink that I don't like because it makes me

drink slow. I know. When you get a cocktail out of the bar and you're like, oh, oh, that's good. Or I get a bottle of whiskey that I really like and I'm just like, what up? But if you get one you don't like and you're like, now that's probably drinking what I've just described. The way I slow down my drinking is I

drink something I despise. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you had, what was that shit, chartreuse of late? Yuck. In the last however many years? Not for ages. Or Zambuca? No, I used to do shots of it.

But I wonder now if it'd be okay. No. No, I think I had Zambuca. Light it on fire. Yeah, I had Zambuca shots. Oh, God, what? Yuck. This is how bogus.

I had Zambuca shots at a bar after Iron Maiden. It was just like an old school, like for old times. Tuesday, wasn't it? It was a Tuesday night. And it was all right. Okay. It was quite palatable. Yeah.

Better than shotting like cheap tequila. Oh. Yeah. No names, but you know who you are. You know who you are. Cheap tequila. Oh, okay. That's a potential sponsor.

Wow. Is that a good one? You've won all of our good work on this podcast series with the ass-to-mouth conversions, and you just ruined it by costing us a commercial investor. Deduct two asses to mouths. Juan Jose is with two asses. Thank you, Shannon.

Thank you, Shannon. A well-timed womp womp. Let's kick it off. Natalie is a person. I've been living in London. Human. Natalie is a podcast listener. Stab in the dark.

Wait, actually. Half poodle, so she's natoodle. Natoodle moodle. Natalie has been living in London for the past two years with her boyfriend, Jamie, working as a physiotherapist for the NHS. The NHS is great. Tell her I'm wearing a strap for my strained tendon.

Hey, Natalie. Tell her I've got arthritis. Hey, Natalie. Fletch is wearing a strap for his strained tendon. Oh, she's going to find that so fascinating. She's going to be so fascinated. Yeah, it's the patella tendon. Tell her I've got arthritis.

Hayley's got arthritis in there. Spinal arthritis. Spinal arthritis between that L4 and 3. L5. And she's got a bulging, what do they call it? Bulging disc. Bulging flats. She's got a bulging disc. Big bulging discs. And she's got a knee tingle. L-4-4-4-3-4. And she's got a bulging, what do they call it? Bulging disc. Bulging flaps. She's got a bulging disc.

Big bulging disc. And she's got massive flaps. Is there physio for massive flaps? Hey, what we're going to actually, you know, what we're going to do is we're going to get you a series of flap stretches now. I need you to go home and do these three times a day. One in the morning, find a little quiet time at work, do a flap stretch at lunch lunch and then again before bed.

I don't want to stretch them. They're long enough. We're just going to put a cold pack on these flaps. Yeah, yeah, yeah. See if we can reduce the swelling. She's moving back to the motherland in six weeks time.

Oh, wow. So by the time she hears this, she may or may not be back. Yeah. Long-term listener and lover of the podcast, obviously not physical lover, but never say never at Hayley. Oh, wow.

Okay. Leesmian. Maybe. Maybe. Curious. at Hayley. Oh, wow. Okay. Lesbian. Maybe. Maybe. Curious. Maybe. Pan. Oh, yeah, Jamie.

No, but Jamie boyfriend. So maybe she's a dabbler. Pan or a dabbler. Yeah. Or just a girl crush. Could just be a girl crush. Yeah, maybe. Girl crush.

Probably not after that comment about the giant flaps. Yeah, she was all excited about it. She's like, I don't want my first woman to have big whopping flaps. I wouldn't know what to do with them. What are you going to do with all them flaps? All them flaps inside your trap. Get them flaps. Get them flaps inside my trap.

That's flap to trap conversion. That's actually. Arse to mouth. Arse to mouth is a different, you know, that's a different. You get your flap to trap, you get your ass to mouth. We should actually do a marketing conference. We should. You know, because the marketing industry,

they're all worried about eyes to ears conversion. It's stale. Nobody's doing it anymore. You need to focus more on ass to mouth and flaps to traps. So much ass to mouth. Flaps to traps. Oh, God. Well, just let her know I'm in physio to try to shrink them.

I have always listened to National shout-outs in Stoke, and I finally validated to do one. Here we go again. Thank you. Give it another whack. Oh, okay. Christmas message. Christmas message.

Not a good time when you can't even speak his first language. A big old mire kerehamete. Mere. Huh? Mere. Mere kerehamete. Beautiful. Thank you.

To my soulmate, Timu Moisey Talia. That's one person. I'm guessing Timu Talia is her nickname. Moisey, maybe one to do with her last name there. Talia. We've been besties since the first day we met nearly 10 years ago on our very first day at university in Dunedin. Oh, beautiful.

Good physio. They do good physio down there. Dunedin. Yeah. You've got to find a best friend. They'll know all about giant flaps. Oh, they'll be able to physio. That's like semester one of fresh, fresher year. You've got to find the best friend. They'll know all about giant flaps. Oh, they'll be able to physio in the labia. That's like semester

one of fresh, fresh a year. You start with flaps. Yeah, because it'll make you or it'll break you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you can't handle

the flaps. They don't want people dropping out in their third year when they get to the giant flaps. When you get to shoulders. Thankfully, she

followed me over to London to be reunited once more. She's also a big fan of the podcast. Can't wait to be sharing our first Christmas together

on the Isle of Wight. Oh my God. Was that when they did the motorbike race? Isle of the podcast. Can't wait to be sharing our first Christmas together on the Isle of Wight. Was that when they did the motorbike race? Isle of Wight. And there's a big famous festival there. Is there? Yeah. And the Isles are all known for their whiskeys as well, so that would be something for everybody there. Oh my God, we'd love to come. We'll be there. Thanks for the invite.

Our nicest thing to have this year was having my parents leave the farm for a month to come travelling with me in Europe in April. Their first big overseas trip was so awesome to share all of the wonders of Europe together. Oh, that's so nice. Travelling with your parents is so much fun. And hopefully they paid as well.

Yeah, again, it's really nice when they chip in for lunch. It's so nice when they chip in. Yeah, yeah. Pay for ACOM because they've booked it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're like, oh, whoops. I'll transfer you. Naughtiest moment of the year.

I'm predicting the naughtiest thing is yet to happen. It will be on the trip to Poland this weekend with Tarls and two other original Dunn's flatmates, Maya and Lucy. We're planning a vodka pub crawl. Poland's amazing. Never been. So good.

And it's cheap too. Is it? Yeah. Eastern Europe's great. Did you go during, was it cold? Winter. Oh, shit. Yeah.

That'd be real cold. Like snowing and shit. So vodka, that'd make you warm. Yeah. I couldn't do a vodka pub crawl. I couldn't. I. Like snowing and shit. So vodka, that'd make you warm. Yeah. I couldn't do a vodka pub crawl. I couldn't. I couldn't handle a beer crawl. They're really good there at making your shoes shiny, aren't they?

Oh, yeah, they Polish. Polish them. Fuck you, Dad. All right, Dad. That went a lot better than I thought it was going to. I was running scenarios. When you guys were talking about it, I was running scenarios in my head. I was like, I don't know how this is going to sit.

And I'm glad I did it. It was good. Sometimes you've got to take those risks. I've had a chuckle. You've got to take these risks. Erin is next. I believe Erin from Canada, 38-year-old female. I think this could be our Erin.

She visited us once. Yeah. From Canada. She came to New Zealand. Happy holidays from Canadia. To those who celebrate. Celebrate in moderation. Nicest thing that happened this year,

I finally got my breast reduction done. Courtesy of our lovely Canadian healthcare system. It took nearly three years from the first referral by my GP sent until I was done. I'm a proud member now of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee. Welcome to the committee. Well, from old Hayley who didn't put on 25 kgs and get some nice whopping titties, but well done.

It's really life-changing for people people I've had quite a few friends That have had breast reductions Because it's not just about the boobies It's about your back health And it's Shannon and I were literally Talking about this today They're a bit of a pain in the arse tits

Fun But annoying I find them quite fun I know But you don't have to carry them around No that's true It's like a handbag Sounds like a good idea

But I don't want to carry it 6 kgs What No, that's true. It's like a handbag. Sounds like a good idea, but I don't want to carry it. Six kgs. What? Wait, how do you weigh your tits? Her tit. Have you got scales? Collectively. Yeah.

Get it out. I want to weigh my tits. I know how they weigh tits. I remember when I looked this up. Volume. It's volume. You dip it in a bucket and how much water it displaces. No.

I'm not lying. Get a bucket. Because that's why we were like, how do you weigh it? It's the same with, if you want to weigh how much your balls and your dick. That would be fun too. I'd say balls and dick. Dick and balls? It's dick and balls.

Hard or soft? Very interesting. Yes, it would change because it's filled with blood. So it would change. Yeah, it would change. Yeah, because you put it in and however much spills out, then you weigh that spill. What is that called? A meniscus? Yeah. It looks like it's above the bucket. You could do an arm as well. Yeah, because you put it in and however much spills out, then you weigh that spill. What is that called?

A meniscus? Yeah. It looks like it's above the bucket. You could do an arm as well. Yeah, anything. Oh, my God. You dip a tit in, and then it spills into a tray, then you weigh what's in the tray, and that's the weight.

Yeah, I saw this the other day. Yeah. Amazing. Oh, incredible. Science is fascinating, isn't it? It is fascinating. They should have done that at school. Maybe I would have been a scientist.

What, teenage teachers are going to, all right, girls, we're going to weigh your tits today. Are you fucking serious? As a father of four, she's going to go to high school. If she came home and was like, we weighed our tits today at school, I'd be like, wait a minute, I'm getting the gun. Explain on the way to school.

Where is the fucking teacher? Point him out to me. Point him out to me. Which one's the science teacher? Boom, butt of the gun. Oh, wow. But that's how they do it. That's how they weigh the tits.

That's amazing. Life changing. Yeah. Naughtiest moment of the year for Erin, wow. But that's how they do it. That's how they weigh the surgery. Life changer. Yeah. Naughtiest moment of the year for Erin is I tried not to hook up with a guy at work, but it was unsuccessful, including the day we hooked up in the actual office when people were there. My goodness. I should write a hot, smart, short story about it.

But who has the time? My office is splintered two buildings with a glassed-in walkway between the two. This is classic Canada, by the way, because in the cities where it gets so cold, they have the walkways between the buildings.

They splinter two buildings with a glass walkway in between the two. The buildings don't connect otherwise. On the opposite side, we walk in. It's mostly C-suite offices, conference rooms,

gyms, bathrooms, and showers. The bathrooms and the showers are single-store, floor-to-ce to ceiling and closed space. Basically no one uses that side of the building. I would never do something like that in a gym or bathroom.

Dude, you're lying. It's getting worse. How is it getting worse under this diligent coaching? Try it again. Keep telling your story. Basically no one uses that side of the building and it's very quiet. Not in a conference room bathroom.

I could never. So bad. I will lead you in because I think you need to follow. Yeah. Follow, repeat, mimic and copy. She had sex at work. She did at work. In a bathroom stall.

Something I can say I've never done. Me too. Hand on heart. What? I say never. I say never. I say never. Again, join us next episode for where Fletch hasn't had sex.

A much quicker game. Much quicker. Basically, no one uses that side of the building very quietly. It took approximately five text messages. I'm a little very poor at this. It's the raspberry caramel espresso martinis. It took approximately five text messages to decide

and 12 minutes end to end. So texting me like Tell one of your lies. Tell one of your lies. Oh my God. I've never hooked up that quick. Oh my God. So just five messages

and they're already hooking up. Yeah. Oh I take much longer than that to establish a connection. Don't even know if I've ever sent five messages. Better. Better.

Because it was short. I think the less he says the better. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just eyes down hot and just say same. Or ask James how many messages

it's taken him on the yellow pages. This isn't the James Vaughan and Hayley show. Leave him and his good legs and his big heart alone. Wow. I'm surprised it takes five messages for James with those kind of muscles. I want to know the messages. Hey. Yeah.

Hey. That's two. That's two. What are you doing? Fucking you in the conference toilets in five minutes. See you shortly. That's good. That's you shortly. That's good. That's good stuff.

No one at work ever had a clue we don't work together anymore but it's a proud moment. Yeah. Well done. What a fucking year for Aaron.

Ladies and gentlemen. Good year for you Aaron. Next time on the podcast we are going to be here. Who are we going to hear from? Did you hit the cat? No, I'm saying who are we hearing from?

Jess and I have asked to be anonymous. I wonder why. Oh my god, maybe it's the other person who did the five messages. Maybe it's Maybelline. Or maybe it's Maybelline. Caroline G.