ZM's Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley - Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley's Christmas Cocktail Special - 16th December 2023

Episode Date: December 15, 2023

This episode contains explicit content & themes, and is definitely not one for younger listeners!Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley crack open the Christmas Cocktails, and chat Charcuterie Boards & Roleplay!See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Welcome to our Christmas Cocktail Special. The big show, the live show, will be back on January the 15th. I might come back for that. Yeah. I'm not sure. If I win Lotto, no. Yeah. If I die on a Guatemalan volcano, I won't be back.

Oh, you'd better be back. Yeah, we can't do it without you. You could do it without one of us, to be fair, and we know that. Your wandering ghost best possess the body of a Guatemalan. Right. And make its way back to this country. Can you give us a quick Guatemalan accent? What language is spoken in Guatemala?

Spanish? Español. Sí, sí, sí. Sí, sí, sí. I like how you give it a sí. Sí, sí, sí. Sí, sí, sí. And you know I've been doing the Duolingo, so I know like... I've done the Duolingo in my time too. My wife loves it.

Give us a little bit. Duolingus. Español. Is that where you look like? Buenos dias. Fuck me. The Duolingus. It's a cocktail.

Hands as well oh god usually we know lingus is no hands we are I'm running a timer we are one minute and five seconds in and you've made a

duolingus joke yeah I like it good for you though honestly I'm proud of you now just to set the scene we're in my lounge

in your apartment we've got a charcuterie board it's a relict apartment it's honestly it's terrible isn't it no chip plates though I will say that oh my god I love that show lounge. In your apartment. We've got a charcuterie It's your relict apartment. It's honestly, it's terrible, isn't it?

No chip plates though. I will say that. God, I love that, Sharday. We're recording this just before the Rugby World Cup final and you've invited

yourselves over. I know I've invited James. Yeah. Are Matty and Ryan coming? Because I saw he was looking for all blacks

and I nearly said to him fuel because I nearly said to him, I'll see you at one, Sharday. Jesus Christ. Getting said to him. No, many of mine aren't coming. Fuel, because I nearly said to him, I'll see you at one Sade's. Oh, Jesus Christ. Getting out of hand. No.

And yeah, Sade's thrown out one of the most chipped plates ahead of your arrival. Because she can't handle the teasing again. Then I went through the drawer and I was like, this one's got a chip as well, like trying to rock her up. Now I think while I'm here, she's going to Kmart to get a brand new set of plates. Oh, yeah. And I, at the gym when you sent that video, had this thought of Hayley and I drunk in your kitchen,

purposely chipping the new plates. Oh, my God. I would. We would. I would kill you. We would. If we went too far, eh? We'd be just banging on the bench.

Banging on the bench just a little bit. Chip, chip, chip. So we're here at my house. We've got a charcuterie board. I was going to go through the board. We've got carrots because there's a vegetarian in the mix and we don't know what they eat. Carrots, Carwin?

Yeah. Did we do good for your vegetarian charcuterie? We made a little mini one. You know how you make the kids a mini one. We didn't put cheese on it, but it's over here. We can throw you a knob. And, yeah, so we've got pickles. We've got dips.

Ducker. Ducker. Ducker. Yeah, so we've got that. Olive oil. Olive oil. So you dip that. And I've got some lovely sourdough.

We've got cheese. Oh, my God. I've just put a hair in the pickles. Hang on. Blueberries. Yeah, so we've got that. Olive oil. Olive oil. So you dip that. And I've got some lovely sourdough. We've got cheese. Oh, my God. I've just put a hair in the pickles. Hang on. I've saved it. The pickles are so good. Also, we've got some Russian fudge or tablet. James's mum, she made that.

Tablet? Yeah. Why does she call it tablet? That's the name for Scottish fudge. Scottish fudge. Oh, Scottish, not Russian. James is here. I ahe the tablet.

Also, I've invited some of the gays because they heard we're doing cocktails and they won't be here. Well, where are the other gays? Oh, they're coming. Oh, Jesus. They'll come. But they make cocktails, so that's why I've invited them. Right.

Because it is our cocktail Christmas special and throughout the many specials, we will be drinking cocktails. That's right. And the first cocktail. I have made a mouthful of sourdough. Classic me to be eating. How's your no carbs going? Yeah, well, you fucked it. with a mouthful of sourdough Classic me to be eating How's your no carbs going? Yeah well you fucked it There's no carbs in sourdough

I was feeling so good Oh aren't there? No No carbs in sourdough and crackers No no no crackers either Fantastic We are having a limoncello spritz Which is a double shot of limoncello

Top it up mostly with prosecco And give it a little kiss of soda water for fizz It's delicious. It reminds me. I know there's in it. I know. It tasted like Raro, right? Like a lime lemon Raro.

Delicious though. Please be aware that those drinking are Ubering home. Yes. Now, we asked earlier for your Christmas card messages, your e-messages, and we've had your submissions. We've got pages of these to get through, and that's what we're going to do during our Christmas cocktail special yeah

and we're going to say hi to you the very lovely listeners from all over the world that listen to the podcast and we appreciate it oh my god so much so this first one

shall I start you can start oh I don't Vaughan just had the paper there ready to read it yeah I know but I've never done one of these before

and shit's different now that I'm here. Oh. All right. Mummy's drinking. Are you happy? Hayley and I have spent all the last hour or two while we've been getting ready,

pretending to be a married couple and not having arguments in front of her. It's because I had a shower here while Fletch was at the gym and he came home like his husband returning to his wife and it's been a role play. Oh, that's good. You know, we have a domestic with your partner when friends are around?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can I just meet you in the bedroom? Hey, why are you speaking to me like that in front of people? It's ridiculous. I said not to do that. I've got it under control. The best part is everybody knows, and I hate, I fucking hate,

I'm leaving if I see it happening. Like I'll say to Shardie, it's time to go. If you see another couple fighting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shardie, it's time to go. If you see another couple fighting. Sharday, it's time to go. Why? Because my wife turns into Christopher Walken when she's been drinking. Why do we want to go home?

Oh, my God. Anyway, okay. Sarah Griffiths from Waipawa, Central Hawke's Bay, lives on a working nursery that gives the worst hay fever. I'd love to live on a working nursery. Would you? Yep. I'd love to run a nursery. You gives the worst hay fever. I'd love to live on a working nursery. Would you? Yep.

I'd love to run a nursery. You'd have the shits. What? Is it like a fruit orchard? A nursery. They grow plants. Oh, no. I don't want to live on that.

No. I want to live on a winery or a fruit place. I'd pickle myself if I lived on a winery. Olive plantation. That'd be kind of the happy medium, right? Beautiful. Same sort of climate, but yeah, olives, not wine. So Sarah has just had her second baby called Aubretia. I've never heard that name before.

Aubretia. Like Aubrey. Aubrey, but before you get the Y of Aubrey, you put a TIA at the end. Aubretia, named after the flower. I'm going to Google what the flower looks like. Please do, sir. Well, I say Sarah wants to say a Merry Christmas to every single person in the world, bar my best friend.

No, okay. And I don't think the Muslims celebrate. Yeah. And the Jewish people, they don't celebrate the Christmas. You can still say Merry Christmas to them. I mean, you say Happy Holidays. Happy Holidays. Yeah, but there's also some really nasty people in the world.

I wouldn't say Merry Christmas to them. I wouldn't say Merry Christmas back in the day to Putin or Hitler. Oh, look at the obrisha, guys. That's a beautifully vibrant purple flower. Purple? I love that. It looks like it creeps and crawls. Well, she's saying happy holidays,

I'll edit for her, to every single person, most people in the world, bar the assholes, and bar my best friend, who has left me for a better life in Melbourne, bloody nurses jumping the ditch. Don't blame them.

Fair enough. Don't blame them, yeah. She's absolutely incredible at her job and they're so lucky to have such a wonderful, talented and beautiful gal wiping up their blood off the surgery table. I'll never forgive you and I will keep you humble when you come home with a horrible accent.

Please don't fall in love over there and come home soon. I love ya. So that's to Sarah's best friend. Almost like, please don't fall in love over there comma and come home soon. Because she's like please don't fall in love over there, comma, and come home soon. Because she's like, please don't fall in love over there and come home soon.

Oh, yeah. Please don't fall in love. I haven't fallen in love. Yeah, I don't want to hear it go back. Yeah, yeah. Well, thank you, Sarah. And kia ora, Obresha. Saskia.

Saskia. Sure. 23 years old. Of Christchurch. Merry Christmas, guys. Full podcast listener here full okay

yep she's she listens to the full podcast I only listen to a third of it you guys make me laugh and smile every day I love you but too much

that wasn't capital letters too I don't fucking know you surely a gingerbread cocktail on the cards oh how do you do a gingerbread cocktail ginger ginger and bread and sourdough we've got sourdough and like something frothy Cards. Oh. How do you do a gingerbread cocktail? Ginger.

Ginger. And bread. And sourdough. We've got sourdough. And like something frothy, like a milky, creamy. Oh, yeah, nice. You can get gingerbread Baileys, can't you? Yes, you can.

You can get gingerbread Baileys. That might be the go on that one. Oh, it'd be spice. You'd put mixed spice in it, right? Yeah, yeah. But a cinnamon. Not all spices. Gingerbread cocktails. Or you could do a gingerbread white Russian,

gingerbread cookie cocktail, gingerbread martini. Or martini would be good. We also ask people when they are messaging in their Christmas messages for highlights of the year. Saskia's highlight is starting her own business after quitting my shit job with a psycho boss. Oh, yeah. Okay.

Lol. Takes the heat out of it with a lol. Yeah, it does take the heat out of psycho boss. Starting my own business after quitting my shit job with a psycho Okay. Lol. Takes the heat out of the little lol. Yeah, it does take the heat out of psycho boss. I'm quitting my shit job with a psycho boss. And then your problem now is with your new job, if your boss is psycho, it's you, isn't it? Because you're self-employed. If you're working for yourself, yeah.

Yeah. Because you've done a lot of self-employed work, haven't you? Yeah, and my last boss was a bitch. Yeah, all over the show. Oh, my God. A psycho and a last boss was a bitch. Yeah, all over the show. Oh my God. A psycho and a problem drinker and just all round nasty.

And a weight fluctuator. She's like, I'm down. I'm just going to McDonald's. You know, it's just terrible. Yeah, yeah. Doesn't want to help herself.

Yeah, yeah, totally. The booze though, this woman would consume. It became a real problem. Unbelievable. I tried to say something but she wasn't listening. Yeah, did you think about

going to HR? Yeah, I did. I went to HR but she was fucking drunk as well. Oh, right. It was terrible. Everyone in every department. The whole company that I used to work for,

called Hayley Sproul Self-Employed, was just a pack of alcoholics. From top to bottom. Almost unworkable. Yep. Naked half the time. It was just ridiculous. Sophie's messaged in.

Sophie Wardsworth, who's currently living in London, but from New Zealand, from Auckland. She's a 31-year-old. Zealand from Auckland she's a 31 year old she works in HR for a tech company you could probably get her on the books at Hayley Sproul

self-employed does she drink? I don't know she's in London so let's safely assume so coming back home for a month in December so she's probably at home

when this happens yeah Merry fucking Christmas she says that's not that's a straight day she can take that to herself. Thank you for being honest to God.

Music to my ears via the potty and keep me up to date what's happening in New Zealand. And just general banter. No, you left out. She said general top-notch banter. He doesn't want to make it. You don't want to get a big kiss. Don't diminish the compliment here.

You boys are so shit at taking compliments. She said we're top-notch. Take it in your own time took your suggestion on board and want to share a cocktail recipe that will get you blotto whilst remaining

on your journey to health we call them lemon drops ingredients are as follows oh my god I had these a couple of weeks ago okay well tell us one cup of vodka

cups one fucking cup of vodka oh I think she's making like a pitcher because when I did it it's like a double she's playing like a pitcher. Because when I did it, it's like a double. She's playing a fucking pitcher all right. She's playing a pitcher of his own.

A pitcher is where I sleep in five minutes. One cup of vodka, one and a half cups of lemon juice, half a cup of Cointreau should serve two to three people. Two to three people. You're having a third of a cup of vodka. That's a lot of lemon juice too. That would be... Lemon drop martinis.

They're yum. I will say though that we do have all of those ingredients on the bar cart. I'll make them. I made some the other weekend. Although we are at the moment in a mid-lemoncello. We're mid-lemon. So I feel like we might need to break it up. From the lemon.

Yeah, from the lemon. The highlight of Sophie's year discovery of girl math. Watching Noah Reid, who played Patrick in Schitt's Creek, play in real life. That was... Do you know he's not a gay in real life? Oh. Is that true?

He's not a gay in real life. Can we Google that? Can we get our reason on gay... Gay James on the couch. Gay James, can you get on the gay news update, please? Is Noah from Schitt's Creek really gay? Because I don't think he is. No, he's not.

Jared's just, yeah, look at James's face. You thought he was a gay, didn't you? He's a big duolingus man. He loves both holes. And you've only got one monolingus he's not interested in. Okay. So highlight of the year. Yeah.

Before he sang his encore song song Dan Levy came on stage And gave the most amazing speech Now he's proper Homosexual He's big Not homosexual Queer eh Queer

I think he does A bit of everything Bit of this Bit of that And made the most amazing speech About the discovery of Noah's talents While on the show

That's pretty That's good stuff That's good stuff That would have been amazing to see Shall I tap in Yep you tap in Alright Do you want to tap in?

You're sort of the masked driver of the ship. Well, I'm just eating the, yeah. Hey, Mars. I'm just eating the snacks. Oh, my God. His tail just went between my legs. Hello. He does that?

He went like this. He went like this. Do, do, do, do, do. Between my thighs. He does that. Yeah. You bloody rascal. Come on, Mars.

That's why I call him the Santisfier Purr. He gets up and he's like. That call him the Satisfier Purr. That was good. Satisfier Purr. Wouldn't mind. Okay, Daniel. God, we are only one drink down. This is outrageous. I know, but I put about five drinks in each of our one drinks.

Okay, Daniel Benbow, 24, from Danny Virk, now in Whakatane. Great listening to you guys all year long, even though there is no ZM frequency in Whakatane. So every evening after work work i walk along the beach listening to your potties blackberry bramble is a cocktail you must try you love we know the bramble we had the blackberry bramble engagement party my wife now worked for 42 below vodka these were some dark times great vodka terrible terrible drinking terrible drinking culture uh and she got access to the 42 blow bar for our engagement party and it was just free cocktails jesus you've got to remember i'm from hamilton so you free cocktails my hamilton friends got fucking rip snorted and

one of the drinks is a berry bramble and we still refer to getting too drunk as getting brambled wow because everybody got brambled Because where we like to go when we go to Hello Beastie, that's where we have They do a bramble. Yeah, they do. And so he goes for long walks. Long walks on the beach

listening to us in his ear holes. Do you think he's ever found a giant package of floating cocaine from a, you know, that's fallen off the back of his ship?

Shall they just message me? I'm charging my Satisfyer Pro 2 on your side of the bed, FYI. Yeah. You're going to have to work for it, you Amazon. Jesus Christ. She did not just there cock at the waiting room. Aaron gets so confused when I'm charging them. He's like, what are you getting ready to do?

I'm like, they're just flat, mate. Oh, yeah. Well, imagine being caught short. Imagine being caught short on a charge. Imagine me. I went on a bloody seven-day tour when I was away from home, and I was caught short. Oh I've been caught short. Imagine I went on a bloody seven day tour when I was away from home and I was caught short. Oh, that's terrible. Go back to bloody

the old days. Manual. Daniel Benbow's highlight was moving out of my hometown away from my first home. Friends and family to chase a better lifestyle and a career. Good for you, Daniel. My house is being rented to a pregnant friend, so my mortgage is being paid. Does that mean my home is basically free? I think you've just deal-massed your mortgage. I expected that sentence. My house is being rented to a pregnant friend, so my mortgage is being paid. Does that mean my home is basically free?

I think you've just deal-masked your mortgage. I also, like, I expected that sentence, my house is being rented to a pregnant friend, to end in, like, so I'm cutting her a cheap deal because she's pregnant. That hapu bitch is... She paying! She paying!

Okay, I'm just looking up berry bramble. Oh, yep, yep, yep. Ingredients. Have you got berries in the freezer? Badass! Badass in water. I may have some other badass. Badass and water. Badass, badass.

Half a cup of fresh blackberries, one and a half ounces of lemon juice, dry gin, blackberry liquor optional, simple syrup, sparkling water, and then smash, smash, smash. That sounds right, doesn't it?

Aaron just texted me saying that I look hot. Well, that's nice. Where did he see your photo? Did you send him a photo? I sent him a photo by the mic. God, our partners are getting a bit horny while we're away. I'm worried that they're both out. What if they connect? Because we've got a group chat that Sade and Aaron are in.

What if they're like, God, our partners are away. I'm getting a bit horny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they end up getting down to Funky Town together. Jesus. Well, I'm not going to say what I was going to say. Don't say it. It's so inappropriate to say about the mother of my children.

Have some respect. Yes. That wraps up episode one of our Christmas cocktail special. We'll be back with episode two. Oh, and the next cocktail. And the next cocktail. What should we do? Who's making it?

I don't know how to make any cocktails. Don't you? I can follow a recipe. I will say that Gay James is here. Do you know that we call you this, James? I just call him James. No, because I've got other straight friends called James, and I don't want him to get confused. And what if he turns straight, you know that we call you this James? I just call him James No because I've got other straight friends called James And I don't want him to get confused

And what if he turns straight you know Not like my dear friend James My closest friend James My dearest closest gay James My dearest closest gayest friend James Makes a killer espresso martini Do you want to hop on the martinis horn? But no wait do we want to go limoncello to espresso martini?

Oh shit, it's a big leap, isn't it? Okay, well we're going to be back with episode two next with an espresso martini and more of your Christmas e-card shout outs. Merry Christmas. Jesus loves you, boy.

Thank you. He died for your sins then he came on back. He is a mastermind, he is a wizard. I'm going to need 10% of your income to my church. Sure.