ZM's Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley - Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley's Christmas Cocktail Special - 17th December 2023

Episode Date: December 16, 2023

This episode contains explicit content & themes, and is definitely not one for younger listeners!Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley crack open the Christmas Cocktails, and chat Espresso Margs, Written Warnings, & Listener Letters!See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Flesh-born and Hayley's Christmas Cocktail Special. Welcome to our Christmas Cocktail Special. Our big pod and our show is back live on January the 15th. Now we did say in the last Cocktail Special that Gay James, as he's lovingly known on the show, is sitting with us today and we asked him to make us his famous espresso martinis, but instead we have an Aperol Spritz. What's happened? Well, we didn't prep the coffee.

Yeah, you've got to leave it brewing for a while. Not if you have a proper coffee machine. I know. I don't have one. That's crazy. You drink so much coffee and he doesn't have a coffee machine. Dissolving instant coffee. Yes.

So what's the secret behind your special espresso martinis, James? Two secrets. The Macona caramel. Fletchers. Fletchers is a good choice. And the second which we won't be enjoying today but is for special special special occasions is the white

chocolate liqueur. The white chocolate liqueur. Which we ran out of because we drank too much last week. We should have actually got their show sponsor, McCafe. To send us some espressos. I don't think they want to be involved with this booze. That's the only thing they don't do. Well, they will be after we record this. Yes, yes.

Now, James, you work in HR. We did mention in the last podcast that Hayley has some problems with her company. She's self-employed. Hayley Sproul Self-Employed Limited. How would you handle her drunkenness? Ooh. He's saying this from a position of having dealt with her drunkenness multiple times.

I'm sitting right next to her. Would you ask her to give her a written warning for the first time? Look, it might be a please explain. Okay. A please explain. Do you know I've had a written warning before? Have I told you this?

No, what? Oh, yeah, this was when i worked in retail and i had a big night the night before and i didn't wake up to open up the shop yes yeah exactly the shop was supposed to open james at 10 o'clock and i got there at 12 to the other girl who was supposed to arrive at 12 and she was like hey and i was like hey open it up we we did the day, went home and I never said anything and she told the HR person. That is really bad Yeah I know They lost two hours of business and I got a written warning. Oh I think you meant it's really bad that this bitch

knocked because snitches get stitches Also snitches get stitches and then that manager who I ended up leaving that company, that manager ended up marrying a guy who was best friends with my best friend's husband. So we met again later in life at my best friend's wedding around that time.

And I was like, oh my God, Simone, hi. Yeah. No, she was the manager. And I was like, yeah, that remember what a little shit I was when I was 19. Yeah. So anyway. All right. So much has changed.

Thank you, James. Thank you for our Aperol spritzies. We're getting onto the espresso m. So much has changed. Thank you, James. Thank you for our Aperol Spritzies. We're getting on to the Espresso Matz in the next podcast. Are you thirsty? Are you thirsty, Paul? Dude, I've got a problem.

If you put a drink in front of me, regardless of what it is, I'll hoon it. I'm the same. And if it's alcohol, then it just doesn't even touch the sides. John, he's a long-time listener,

first-time Christmas writer, an-er-er, certainly not the first-time caller. John. John's a long-time. I'm telling that, yes. A long-time listener, first-time Christmas writer, certainly not the first-time caller, John. John's a long-time listener to the show. Keeping this short because Fletch will get grumpy. Thanks for the details. I'll be fine. It's been a great year.

Started a new career. Does he say what the career is? He's an air steward. You were about to say a flight attendant. A flight attendant. A flight attendant. Oh, my God. That's what Gay James was.

Guys, keep reading. Okay. Found out I had another son. Met him and he's super cute. Jesus Christ. I think John donates the spoon. Block twist. I believe that John, if he was here making cocktails,

would call him Gay John. Yeah. Oh, okay. I know this. I believe that John, if he was here making cocktails, would call him Gay John. Yeah. Oh, okay. I know this because I've met John. I have some gay friends that have done this. Donated the spermies to some lesbians, actually.

Aaron gave sperm to a sperm bank. What? He was making a theatre show called Seed and it was about a couple that were doing IVF. Yeah. And they were making this show

and as part of the research, Aaron was like, why don't I go to the clinic and find out what the other side of the process is like. If you want to wank, just wait till Hayley leaves. No, this is before me. Well before me.

Oh, okay. Well before me. And yeah, he gave us sperm and then after 10 years they got in touch and we're like, no one used it. What? So it gets gone well if you're a woman going in to look for a baby you would have birthed a six foot six man's baby that was what i was gonna ask like what do they know come out full size no but they come out big they would come

out giant like yeah because what do they know about the sperm donor? The height, the looks? I think it varies from place to place. You do it through family health. Your ethnic makeup, as far as you know it. I mean, it was before the days of ancestry, so he'd think he did his best. And yeah, no one used it, so there's no little errands. Oh my God.

But then there are also- Big little errands. There's no big little errands. Then there are those people that you read about and they've fathered like a hundred kids and you're just like, that's wrong. There was that fertility doctor that was swapping out other people's food for his own.

And he had hundreds of little babies running around. Doctor, patient, what was that? The documentary about it, eh? On Netflix. The dangerous thing with that is that if you're in it, yeah, Dr. Jizz, that was it. Dr. Jizz. Dr. Jizz. Dr. Jizz. Call me Dr. Jizz're in it, you're Dr. Jizz. That was it. Dr. Jizz. Dr.

Jizz. Dr. Jizz. Dr. Jizz. Dr. Jizz. The dangerous thing is that if you're in a town,

whack off now. If you're in a small country like ours, you might end up shagging your brother, your half brother, not knowing it. Jesus. So that thought. What is the country with the app?

We've talked about this. Iceland. Iceland. They've got an app. So I'd be like, I'd meet you at the bar. So we're about to shag and I go, oh, check the app. You, my brother. And we're like, oh my God, second cousins.

Yeah. That's all right. Second cousins. I'm all right with this. You're all right. We're not going to tell anyone, right? Oh my God. I'll see you at Christmas.

I've never seen you at Christmas. I've got second cousins that listen to this podcast. And we're now like, did he just say fucking your second cousin? Oh, Vaughn, I didn't see you that way. Oh God, avoid him at all costs. So John says, had Hayley on one of my flights after her show announced and sorry I couldn't go to your show, Hayley.

Do you remember John? Yeah, I do. Did he give you an extra little lolly? He did. So I came on and I was a bit feral because I'd had a big night and I came on glasses on, like don't talk to me attitude.

And he said, how was the show and I was like oh my god it was great thank you sorry I couldn't come appealed to your ego immediately he was like tickle tickle tickle I know who you are she loves to be recognized yeah then after the flight I'd fallen asleep the whole flight so I didn't get to engage with him as I left he said this is for you and he gave me a coffee cup full of Air New Zealand boiled sweeties and it said like hey Hayley thanks for the lols

enjoy this and on the lid it said share them with Aaron any jizz right at the bottom it was absolutely the lolies were

coated in just a cup of of John's jizz that's yeah he goes on to say he's going to be

at a wedding with the show engraver Alex in a couple of weeks. So that should be fun. We met Alex as well. Alex is a great guy. Great man. Big dude.

Big strong dude. And he's trained in martial arts. Jesus. I know he'd be fucking you go to the judo world champs the minute you're over what like 85 kgs you're all in the same market

and you're walking and Alex is there. Wait so you could be like your size or something. Yeah, and I'm fighting Hagrid. Oh my gosh. Next up, Hannah. Hannah's 29 from Dunedin. Moved to Melbourne for love.

Oh, I'd never do that. Moved to Christchurch to study with my love and now back in Melbourne for the teacher money and love. Would you move for love? Yeah. Would you? Where to? Where they want to go. Botswana. Doesn't matter. Botswana looks nice. The butchery.

Botswana butchery in Queenstown, darling. I don't know where I'd live there. Okay, say you're in love and she wants to move to fielding. Yeah. Oh fuck, you're a farmer.

Fuck that up. By myself. She wants would move to Fielding Oh fuck you're a farmer Yeah I would move to Fielding Fuck that up By myself She wants to move to Wellington City Like a big city No like Los Angeles

No I don't LA But she's the love of your life Yeah Who's the woman you dreamed of once Remember there was a woman You dreamed of And you were like

Oh my god I miss her Oh yeah yeah yeah I remember her name She didn't exist She didn't exist It was never real she was a figure of my imagination if she wants you to come to LA

she's like please for one okay I don't want to live in LA as well yeah I don't know maybe right on the outskirts

I'm not moving for love where there's cougars in that you know how people are like my dog got eaten by a cougar oh I thought you meant like a 60 year old woman hungry older woman oh yeah them too

them too I have listened for many years I think I would have listened to all episodes a cougar. I thought you meant like a 60 year old woman or your foot 50 year old woman. Them too. I have listened for many years I think I would have listened to all episodes from at least from the last eight years. Happiest Christmas

to you all. Thank you for being honest to a point. Cheers to Princess Di. To a point. Cheers to Princess Di. To Princess Di. Cheers to Princess Di.

Gone too soon. The people's princess. Did they fix that tunnel in Paris? It wasn't the tunnel, it was the paps behind her that was the problem. Oh, my apologies. No, you meant when that car hit the tunnel. No, I just thought there might have been an issue with like a medium strip or something. Okay.

For being vulnerable and normalising tough times. Being consistent for the listener just by having laughs and taking the piss out of each other but still caring. I'm very vulnerable. That's what you would say about me. He is an open book. He is. Caring and careful. Enjoy being with your family for Christmas, Warren.

Ditching your family, Fletch. Thank you. And preparing for the wedding, Hayley. Fingers crossed you have a shower in your home by the time this comes around. Still no. No, as we're reading it. By the time you're hearing it, yes.

There should be a shower. Hope the producers have a good break. No scams for the girlies to fall for. And heaps of vape drags for Jarrod. I will say, Shannon, that during the holiday break, please do message us, even though we are on holiday. I reckon any text you get. Any scam you get.

Any text. Because email from your bank or Waka Kotahi saying you've been driving in Dunedin when you haven't been there for years. Yeah. That sort of thing. A courier post saying there's a package going to click customs. Please check with us. Please check with us. Anybody.

Also, just if you're out and someone's like, do you want to see some puppies in my van? Maybe just call us. We'll see if there's puppies in the van. The museum's closed today today but I can show you a really good time. Come with me. Jared will take one for the team actually

and deal with the puppies in the van. Yeah, that'd be good. Jared's got it. Fantastic. The highlight for Hannah was getting to marry a stubborn Australian.

G'day. My highlight from your year was, can I guess, better can guess your mum's name or the impossible phone-in with a guy who thought his family thought he was dead for six months.

Good times. Good times, yeah. Still good. Watch that for the many times. I laugh when you laugh. Happy Christmas, team. We do laugh. That's lovely.

We laugh a lot. That's lovely. I'm just going to pause for some ASMR. Carrot? Carrot. It sounded a little bit like an apple. It was a carrot. It was a carrot.

It was a carrot. Lovely. Emma is next emma taylor howarth howarth howarth howarth howard howard howard it's like howard but with a th on the end originally i'm from palmy maybe it was no no no related not oh okay uh originally from palmy then i live in perth with the rest of New Zealand. I have two sons aged 12 and 14 and a FIFO husband. Oh, Jesus.

A FIFO husband? What's a FIFO? It's FIFO. FIFO World Cup. The FIFO World Cup. No, that's fly in, fly out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because they're a people.

12 and 14. How the fuck do you do that? 12 and 14 is a horrible age. You wait till your father gets home in one and a half weeks. Yeah, and they're like, we're waiting, bitch. I'll call your father. You can't. He's a thousand kilometres under the ground.

Yeah. I love French martinis, pandas, and the podcast. French martinis. Let's put that one on the list. I'll make the French. I mean, I know we've still got the espresso. It's got a cigarette in it. It's got a French cigarette.

I've got ciggies in the bag. You know I've got my secret pocket. Slim cigarettes. Oh, Cigarello. Yeah. No, those are like thin cigars. Okay, we've got vodka. We've got Chambord.

I've got Chambord. Yeah. Pineapple juice. Ew. Okay. What have you got against pineapple juice? I drank all that to clear up my thrush. Have you got a tin of pineapple?

No, that's... Cranberries. Cran up my thrush. Have you got a tin of pineapple? No, that's... Cranberries. Cranberries is thrush and pineapple is jizz. Thrush is yogurt up the fanny. What? To cure it? If you get thrush... No.

Because thrush is a yeast infection, right? A bit like strawberry Yoplait. And so having the positive... Yoplait is French for... What is it? Cultures, the live cultures strawberry yogurt. And so having the positive... Yogurt is French for... What is it? Cultures, the live cultures in yogurt. If you can't get to get your canteen, canstein or whatever it is... Yeah, put on some Lamisil, sweetie.

No, put a bit of Greek yogurt up your fanny. Trust me. Isn't that why it's a go-go? Yeah, that's why they put it in that easy, pushable, squeezy packet. You think it's for kids to hold with one hand and eat the yogurt. It's actually an applicator. It's for the thrush. Speaking of thrush and the FIFO, the fly in, fly out,

there are people that do this. It's mostly the younger guys and some of the younger girls just do the weeks off they have in Bali and then fly back to Perth and work. And that's how they live. They don't actually have a place. They'll live at the mine, work, and then they live in Bali. They drop off in Perth and literally walk from the domestic to the international,

go to Bali and hire things as they need them, yeah. Isn't that crazy? Aaron's cousin lives in Perth and works in the mines and works super hard. But like in Perth, like he's been building a house the same time we've been building it, except his went well and it's like 300 square metres. And he was like, I know it's absurd in New Zealand, but in Perth,

everyone has these houses. Everyone has this massive square footage and a home cinema and all this shit. I was like, far out. Yeah, but you've got to live in Perth, you know? I would rather have a shithouse in Auckland. You could live in Perth. Could you?

Of all the Australian cities, I'm going to Perth. I'm going to Melbourne. You're Melbourne over Perth. I've put a little water ring on your Auckland. I could live in Perth. Could you? Of all the Australian cities, like Perth. I'm going to Melbourne. You're Melbourne over Perth. I put a little water ring on your table. I've never been to Perth, but I think I could. Okay. Well, we're going to come back with our next episode.

Wait a minute. Well, no, we didn't read the rest of Emma's. I thought you'd finished. No, no, no. We barely touched the sides. She goes on. I'm so premature. Merry Christmas to my awesome sister, Candice,

my niece and nephew, Scarlett and Lincoln. Great names. And great, that's a great combo too. Scarlett, Lincoln, it's time to go. Like that sort of way you yell out like that. Lincoln, for Christ's sake, would you go and get Scarlett? We're late. Yeah.

I like that. Goes together well. Lincoln, we're going to the park. Yeah. That was good. That was good. And he's like, I'm tired of being what you want me to be. And my brother-in-law, Justin, a big Merry Christmas to you guys as well.

Your podcast has helped me through some tough times, including losing my mum in 2019. Oh, we're sorry, babe. That's awful. Being separated from my husband for a year due to COVID and now when I feel homesick. The highlight of my year was going to the Backstreet Boys concert. Oh, amazing. It was on my bucket list. So stoked to tick it off before my 40th in April.

I heard someone who went to the Backstreet Boys concert who never liked the Backstreet Boys and didn't know any Backstreet Boys like songs. Yeah. Went and said it was amazing.

Oh, wow. Yeah. Oh, you said that about Coldplay. Because I'm not a massive Coldplay fan, but you were like, if you get the chance to go to Coldplay,

you should go. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, right, right. Yeah, right. They spend millions of dollars on these. There are no Matchbox 20 but they're still up there. Coldplay. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, right. Or the Backstreet Boys, for that matter, as well. Matchbox 20 is the pig you heard. It's right up there. It's his number one favourite band.

It's insane. It's right up there. He's not crazy, he's just a little unwell. Yeah, I'm not crazy, He's just a little unwell. I'm not crazy. I'm just a little unwell. Well, that is our second episode of our Christmas cocktail special.

We're going to come back next with our next episode. And our next cocktail. Shall we check how's the coffee going, Gay James? I'm just going to find it in the cupboard. Oh my God. He hasn't eaten.

Oh my God. There's packets in the pantry, sweetie. Oh, my God. This whole time it could have been brewing. I literally thought it was about to land in front of me. I thought it was brewing before we started the second episode. And that's when I got handed a nap roll. I was like, it's a great little place for you.

Are you purposely slowing us down drinking? Oh, what about I could make a gin sour? You've got gin there? Yeah. I see fireball, but I reckon producer Jared's eyeballing that. The next episode could be like a sober episode. A non-drinking. That's cuck.

All right, we'll be back. I've never heard that word on the radio, and this year everybody's just saying cuck like it does not even matter. I don't know why. I know, and I've picked up on it. I love it. Cuck. Oh, shut up, you cuck. it does not even I don't know why I know and I've picked up on it I love it cuck oh shut up you cuck

yeah you second rate what did someone get called this year a second rate something cuck and I was like oh ruthless

that's a really that's like that's like you don't even get to watch someone fuck your wife second rate is you're outside and some guy is describing it to you

as somebody else is playing on your wife yeah wow Jesus well we'll be back next with a mystery cocktail in our next episode of the

Christmas Cocktail Special.