ZM's Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley - Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley's Christmas Cocktail Special - 17th January 2025

Episode Date: January 16, 2025

On Today's Christmas Cocktail Special; We pose the life-long question: How would you cook me?See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Fleshborn and Hayley's Christmas Cocktail Special syringe. And then you were like, I might have a lozenge in my bag and you were like, here, and passed me a needle, a syringe, a plaster and alcohol. These are left over from when Dr. Shawnee operated on Hayley earlier in the podcast special and removed the pimple past weeks ago for you, but from your ass a few hours. Our friend's good, just so you know. Dr. Shawnee popped a pimple on

the podcast. She thought it was a boil. Yeah, it was filmed. Hayley was like, I've got a boil, I've got a boil. I thought it was a boil, but he was like, it's just a nasty pimple. You wonder why I wait time for a doctor's on us because the motherfucker's like, there's going to the doctor. He like fully alcohol wiped it, lanced it, squeezed

it and covered it. He's a professional. Yeah, yeah. Have a look at the video. Would you have got Aaron to have a good gawk and a squeeze on it? We don't do that. Interesting. Even if it's bothering you to the point where I might go to the doctor, I'd be like, let me save us $75 and have a squeeze. Oh, he's definitely had a look at

some things. Does he squeeze a blackhead? No, no. I don't really get things on my body as much. It's just this year that I've had the butt problem. Because, you know, when I had earlier in the year, I had sortestical. Yes. Just the singular.

How are the balls, by the way? Fantastic, thank you very much. Oh, amazing. The pain's gone. I honestly think it was, what do they call it when pain originates somewhere but shoots somewhere else? No, not phantom. Because that would be if you cut your leg off

and you could still feel your leg pain. Misdirected. Misdirected, something like that. No, it's not that. No, that's not quite the word I'm after. Please, Dr. Shawnee, this is crazy. Between two medical degrees that you and I cannot agree on a name. I'm having a, well, look, I don't go to work drunk.

No, neither have I. Usually, I've had a couple. I'm tired, it's the end of the week. I know. Had a minimal sleep last night. That pain that starts somewhere else. No. Referred.

Referred pain. Yeah. It was a back. They got for our fellow doctor, Matt. It was a back. Yeah. Yeah. Referred pain from the back to the, but it's all sorted.

Yeah. It's better. You're about to drop your script into the pesto. The shout-out script's about to go in the pesto. Okay, I was dangerously hovering above the pesto. Mm-hmm. Okay, first up, Jordan. Well, I actually just want to say,

Hayley just pulled my microphone cord and it went away from me and then came back and it punched me in the teeth. And I feel like she's so aggressive. If we could talk to our therapist. No. The therapist is busy. I need to go to her. Wait, why are you so aggressive?

I'm just saying mistakes happen. I think you're just being a little bitch. I have asked you not to call me that because I have childhood issues because my dad used to call me a little bitch. I will stop calling you that when you stop being a little bitch. Acting like one. Yeah, that's because my dad used to call me a little bitch. I will stop calling you that when you stop acting like one. Yeah, that's exactly what he used to say. Jordan

is 26 years old from the Kapiti Coast. Where the ice cream's from? Yes. Just out of Wellington. Did they actually make it on the Kapiti Coast? Yeah. Okay. Do they still? I said that like I knew. No idea. Yeah, you don't. It was great acting from you. No idea, I just assumed. From the Kapiti Coast, but have been living in Europe for the last two years, working in Italy, you don't. It was great acting from you. No idea, I just assumed. From the Kapiti Coast,

but have been living in Europe for the last two years, working in Italy, France, and Austria. Oh, fuck yes. Fuck yes. Hello. Buongiorno.

Bonjour. Bonjour. And hello. Guten Tag. Hello. Hello. Yeah. Welcome to Austria.

Hello. Welcome. Yeah, hello. Yeah, that's exactly how they do it in Austria. That's how they do Welcome to Austria. Hello. Welcome. Yeah, hello. Hoo-hoo. Yeah, that's exactly how they do it in Austria. Hello. Hoo-hoo. Hello.

Hoo-hoo. Merry Christmas. Thanksgiving me saying on my travel days and making me feel at home, even when I'm in the most remote places on the other side of the world. Oh. What a life, Jordan. That sounds cool. 26 just grabbing life by the bolos.

Yeah. Careful, though. Referred pain from the back. Nicest thing that happened to me this year, way too close to choose. Been a year of incredible experiences, and I feel very grateful. Flying home for Christmas this year,

and the excitement I have for a Kiwi summer is unmatched. Tell you what, it's a good summer. It's going to be long and dry. Yeah, it's going to be a long, dry one. It's going to be long and dry. Which worries me. I was about to say something inappropriate. He literally looked at me as soon as

he said long dry one. Long dry one. Just wet it up a bit. Spit on it at least you know. Give it a bit of a hock for it. Spit on that time.

That was this year. That was this time of record this year. That could have been a lifetime ago. It feels like it's really ingrained

in the pop culture you know. Yeah it is. Flying home for Christmas is very exciting. Naughtiest moment of the year. Dined and dashed at a beer garden in Munich and I still feel guilty about it. Go back and pay. Always looking over your shoulder because you didn't pay for a giant pretzel and 14 litres of beer.

And 14 jugs of beer. Oh, naughty. Very naughty. We're not here to judge. No, we're not. No. It's a judgment-free zone. Anything extra? She says major long- to judge. No, we're not. No. It's a judgment-free zone. Anything extra?

She says, major long-term illness. I remember. Thank you for the shit in the mouth. I thought, what the fuck is happening? Wait, do you think this is a she? No, because Jordan is an A-N. No, I know a Jordan, male and female, with a spell. Oh, no. Well, Vaughn, what if it's?

Oh, my God, I don't know. Yeah, because, like, I don't know if we know. We have to make a choice. Wait. It's either a gay man or a gay man. Okay, we're about to have a gay on our hands. Okay. Because they say, I remember 15 years ago, listening to Fact of the Day on the way to school every morning,

I recently introduced the potty to my partner, and now every time he sees me with headphones on, he begs me for an ear pod so he can listen to it. Men can't date men in your... Wow. I'm just saying, we still can't date men in your... Wow. I'm just saying we still don't know. Antiquated values. You pig.

As we said in the series, gender is a construct. We don't choose who we love. Yeah, but I'm just saying we still don't know if this is a male or female. Just saying. Well, partner and pet, yeah. 15 years ago on the way to school, that's impossible. Impossible.

I wasn't even alive 15 years ago. What, were you babies when you went on the radio? Yeah, like the Muppet babies. When the Muppets were around and then the Muppet babies got their own series. That was us. Yeah, that's us. Hard to tell if we've got a gay or a gal. Yeah.

And do you know who even cares? It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. I don't even see gender. Yeah. It's like you say, we don't choose who we love. Apart from me, I always choose ethnically ambiguous girls. Oh, they've got to be a little bit brown. That's all

there is in my future. A white woman, a fully white woman could steal your heart and you'd be like, I can't, I can't, I just can't do it. I can't. I'm so sorry. I'm too white. Yeah, yeah, yeah. White and white isn't right. Yeah, we have glow-in-the-dark babies. We can't do it. We simply can't. We'll be translucent like jellyfish. You'll be able to see right through them.

Olivia is next. Thanks, Jordan. He, she, then they. Then they. Who cares? Again Olivia is next. Thanks, Jordan. He, she, then they. Then they. Who cares? Again, we're in support of everything. Olivia says,

I am 28, living in Auckland, primary school teacher, year three. So seven or eight year old. The worst. Sorry. How old are your nieces

and nephews now? Sorry, that just came out. How old are your nieces and nephews now? Around that age. Yeah, good. But they're just so fun and lovely. They are.

They genuinely are. Can I say a Merry Christmas to Lauren Domigan? We met back in 2011 at high school and bonded over listening to the podcast. Her birthday is also the week before Christmas, so happy birthday, although it will be by now late. Nicest thing that happened this year, got pregnant and birthed my third child. Oof. Was trying for over a year and found out I was pregnant on my birthday.

Best gift ever. And he was born on the 26th of October. Labor weekend. Again, good timing. His name is Miles. Yeah, but that's not good timing because every time he wants a birthday party, everyone's like, oh, I'm actually going to be in the Coromandel. Yeah, because it's kind of like the return of summer. Yeah, like, sorry, but, you know. That's like the first we're going to go

for a swim in the Coromandel. Everyone's in the Coromandel. Yeah. Yeah, and he's an older sister and brother already. Aww. That's nice. I also, that was a good lie, actually. Thank you. I'm trying. He said that's nice, but he's an older sister and brother already. Aw. That's nice. I also, that was a good lie, actually. Thank you, I'm trying. What I picked up there was he said that's nice, but he didn't believe it.

I didn't know. It is a nightmare to him. Yeah, absolutely. Well, less of a lie, more of a mistruth. Yeah. Is that fair to say? Yeah. Yeah, good.

Let's try an old one again. I've never had group sex with more than three people. I just couldn't understand it. It's something I admire, but I wouldn't know where to start. Yeah, I reckon. Nah, he's lost it. He just dropped it again. Yeah, I reckon.

Yeah, I reckon. I've literally never heard you in my life say, yeah, I reckon. Guys, I am very innocent. Move on immediately. Yeah. He's a virgin. He's never even sat in the cuck chair in a group situation. No, never.

No, he just knew what to do. They're like, you know when you're rolling subs and they're like, you're out. And he's like, fuck that. I'm not out. I'm staying in. He's a sitter. You know what?

You've got to sit in that cuck chair. No, it's because James is always hogging it with a sandwich. With a sandwich. His toasted sandwich. Dude, I honestly think that might be the best scenario I've ever heard. Away from home, walking on an orgy, make yourself a toasted sandwich and watch it

from a fucking comfortable chair. Are you kidding me? Sign me up ten times out of ten. And then pop home, have a wank, sleep by whenever. It sounds like one's going to gay ski week next week. Shit year. Heaven is a place on earth. Although I will walk in and they'll be like, Sleep by whenever. It sounds like one's going to gay ski week next week. Yeah, shit year. Shit year.

Heaven is a place on earth. Although I will walk in and they'll be like, ah! And I'll be like, James told me this was all right. Yeah. James told me this was a dumb thing. Why are there all these buttery sandwiches? Yeah. I thought this was the protocol.

Well, I thought you guys bought a George Foreman grill. I made the sandwiches. I don't want to take away your resources. Reeks of ham and cheese. Naughtiest moment of the year I bought three different sets of Christmas pyjamas for the family

the husband doesn't know and I have one more set sitting in a car for sugar it is so adorable that your naughtiest moment of the year is buying a couple of extra pieces let's all say ours

let's all say ours okay Fletch goes first I don't even know I don't even know what's my naughtiest moment oh no I can't okay none of us do it

she's leading the charge I'm just, I can't. Okay, none of us do it. She's leading the charge. I'm like, I can't even think of it. She's like, let me think. And then she's like, no. I just want to lead the horse to water. And then I was like, but I've got to drink the water first. Yeah, you do. And you have like shat all in the water.

I gulped the water and then I shat in it. Anything else? You should probably ask your shout out to my husband as well, who doesn't understand my love for the podcast, but I force him to listen. He doesn't love it. It's probably another one that finds Vaughn slightly annoying. A bit much.

Abrasive. A little bit abrasive. Probably his wife's passcard as well, so I must go, Oh yeah, we had a few thirsty messages for Vaughn. Sarah. I nearly got that in Major Murray's litter box.

Litter box. Can you stop that? No, I missed. Because I had to take those cheese balls out the other day. Oh, my God. It's quite rude going to someone else's house and spilling on there. Matt just said to me that I hoed into the bag of cheese balls. There was half a bag left.

I was hungry. You went and got McDonald's. By the way, there is bags of cheese balls in the cupboard. Yes, you went and got McDonald's. Yeah. Three nuggets. Well, I had half a bag of cheese balls. God is well trained from the cut chair. You just went cheese balls in the cupboard. Yes, you really got McDonald's. Yeah. Three nuggets. Well, I had half a bag of cheese balls.

God is well trained from the cut chair. You just went cheese balls and nodded and he was off to get them. Yeah, he knows because he loves cheese balls. Little sub.

That's our little sub. Ever had cheese balls in a cut chair? Perfect cut chair snack. Cheese balls. Right, yeah, because your hands aren't dirty. Well, no, they do.

They get dirty from the cheese So you don't go under them Cheese ball break Cheese ball break Cheese ball break Pour some onto the board Pour some onto the board Okay that's enough

That's nice I'm going to eat all of these No you just opened a fresh bag Where's the bag I had on Monday I threw it out Because they don't last Okay I should have had the whole bag

Insanely wasteful Then Matt would have been like Wow she really hoed in For a few years in the 1970s the Mr Asia syndicate made millions. Heroin creates its own market. It acts like a form of

plague. Until jealousy, betrayal and murder brought it all crashing down. Clark would have threatened him. Go and kill him. If you don't I'm going to kill you and your wife and your son. This is Mr. Asia, A Forgotten History. All episodes now available on iHeartRadio, Apple, Spotify,

or wherever you get your podcasts. Sarah is next. She says, I manage a dry stock farm. She said, if Moran's full. Well, kill her. What's dry stock? Dry stock is like sheep and, well, beef. You don't milk them. They're, beef. You don't milk them. They're dry, so you don't milk them.

You can milk a sheep. Absolutely, you can. You don't milk these sheep. These sheep are meat sheep, and the beef is meat beef. Yeah. You don't milk them, so they're dry. I've milked a sheep and beef. I've milked no one.

You've milked a dry beef? Yeah. Just the one teat? I've milked a woman. I hope you didn't drink that milk, my dude, because you just jacked off a bull. Wow. Oh, my teat. I hope you didn't drink that milk my dude because you just jacked off a bull. Wow.

Oh my god how embarrassing for you. Embarrassing. I manage a dry stock farm just out of Moran's volume 29. I have a team of five working dogs.

That's pretty cool. There's so much training involved in training a working dog. They're amazing. Yeah. Phenomenal. Where did we go?

Queenstown. Yeah. And we went over to on the urn store. Walter Peak. To Walter Peak. And we saw one of the dogs so obedient. Oh, that's so good.

They listen. I really want to shout out to my amazing friend, Rose. Oh my God, who spent the year working in Papua New Guinea. Imagine if your best friend's like, I'm going to Papua New Guinea. You're like, I'm in my own sport. Wild place. Yeah. Both wild places.

That's the place where that pilot was held captive. My mate, before he moved to England, was going to sign a contract to work for a company in Papua New Guinea, and one of the clauses in the contract was hostage. Like, we'll try our best to get you out of a hostage situation, but should it all go poorly, you are forfeiting the right for your company to sue us for putting you in that position.

And then, like, many years ago, a friend that was working on a film there, and didn't they get bow and arrowed? They were It was the Hugh Laurie film. Yeah and stuff got stolen it's a bit of a wild. Dr Pip? Was that what it was called? Or something like that? Yeah. Mr Pip. Mr Pip based on the Great Expectations.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Based on the book. Yeah. Yeah. So because they have in Papua New Guinea they have Papua New Guinea, they have like untouched tribes right? That people have barely any contact with. And like one of the known places where tribes still

practice cannibalism, should they need to. Imagine if you just walked in and found this untouched tribe. What would their first reaction be when they saw you Hayley? Hot damn, look at that ass. Yeah. That'd be like, oh, yum.

Oh, my God. You said Star Wars Return of the Jedi when the Ewoks start worshipping C-3PO? No. You'd be C-3PO. Would I? They'd worship you as a queen. Is it a compliment? I don't know how to read this situation.

I don't know. I don't speak nerd. I just wanted to mention Star Wars. I don't speak nerd. I just wanted to mention Star Wars. Take it as you will. Yeah. It's a compliment.

That's a compliment. Yeah, because you're shiny and golden. Yeah. Oh, my God. Thank you so Yeah. And they're little hairy bears. Which is actually Fletcher's idea of being worshipped by a tribe as well. That's actually what James was doing in the cup chair. He's our C3PO.

Rose is an extremely passionate person who loves helping people. This year one of her projects was making reusable period products on a sewing machine, which she had to buy and learn to use, and then went around villages teaching women how to make them and how to use them. That's

amazing. Amazing. I'm so incredibly proud of her. And what have you fucking done this year? Fuck all. Nothing for anyone but yourself, you fucking prick. I've been very self-driven. Yeah, dude. Okay, well, next year, if one goes to Papua New Guinea, I've decided.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. He's giving back. He's giving back and not being selfish. We'll hold the show down. You can come back. It's fine. Hold on.

I've got a family and I'm whopping Morgan. They will be fine. Oh, my God. They'll be fine without you. In fact, I think they'll thrive. They'll thrive without me and when I get Eden Papua New Guinea,

they'll be like, oh, no, what a shame. What a shame. Rate yourself. I'm getting Eden. Ezra. Ezra. Oh, my God. Slow cooked. Yeah, shame. Rate yourself. I'm getting eaten? As if. As if. Oh, my God.

Slow cooked. Yeah, yeah. Now, I think we need to put back on the table the idea of how would you cook the celebrity. It's an idea that we jammed around for a while and we decided it was too inappropriate to put on air. Yeah. You name a celebrity and we all decide how you cook them. Matthew McConaughey. Skewer. Seer.

He's a seer. No, he might be too old for a sear. I thought you said sear, as in that's the next celebrity we should eat. Yeah, you'd sear him. You'd get a good butcher's cut and you'd sear him. I completely agree. But he doesn't have a lot of fat on him, right? Nah. He's a lean part. He's a lean part. Sear him.

A venison backstab. Yeah, you did right. Skids right into this. Season? What would you season him with? Oprah Winfrey. Paul Pork. Jesus Christ. And you'll see why this segment hasn't made it to air.

Yeah. Random celebrity. Yeah, go. Random celebrity generator. Random celebrity generator. Random celebrity. No one tell the celebrities we're doing this, by the way. Paul Rudd.

Oh, my God. He's old, but he looks young. Yeah, raw. Matt! Matt, you're like raw. Raw dog. So he's going sashimi. Paul Rudd sashimi.

Yeah, Paul Rudd sashimi. But he's older. He's older. Paul Rudd tartare. Like minced, but raw. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Minced and raw. But you're right, he's older.

You want a young slice of meat for that. Here's one, which will throw a real problem. What? Timothy Chalamet. No meat. No meat on the bone. He's a wing. Yeah, a wing.

A barbecue wing. A barbecue and a raw. He doesn't need much seasoning because he's so tender. You want to enjoy the texture of Chalamet. Honey soy. Honey soy. He's a honey soy wing. Yeah, made texture of shallot. Honey soy. Honey soy. He's a honey soy wing. Yeah, make like garlic.

Just like lightly garlic. Garlic, salt, pepper. Yeah. Okay, I've got another Hugh Jackman. Sinewy because he's worked out so much. He's muscly.

Slow. You'd need a slow, like a shank. No, you can't medium rare him. You've got to slow cook. I think he'd be chewy. You've got to give him like in a red wine.

A red wine. Like a shank. A braise. You cook it the same way you cook a lamb shank. You've got to braise him. Okay. Anyway. Bill Cosby. And that's where we end that. Yeah, pet food. Feed it to your dog. Yeah, mince it up. Nah, it's been in there

for too long. Repair your products. She'll be on her way home by the time you guys are recording this, and I cannot wait to see her. Naughtiest moment of the year. My boyfriend and I bought a little lifestyle blog this year, which was the nicest thing, but the $960 a week mortgage repayments

has really stopped any of the naughty stuff. But there's always next year. Oh, my God, amateur hour. I wish. I can only wish those are my mortgage repayments. So I leant away from the mic, Fletch, because I'm exasperated. Yes, but that's not how microphones work. You need to talk closer, please.

Oh my goodness. How did you get the mortgage so large? I could never imagine. You really fucked it up, Sarah. Here's my bad acting. Where's the lifestyle block? Let's just all put our mortgages into a bucket, and we'll just draw a new one.

Fletch gets mine. I get Fletch's, Fletch gets mine. You get your own. No, I want Fletch's and Fletch gets mine. I just want anyone's but yours. You just get your own. You have to have mine. I just want to say that I listen to the podcast every day.

The three of you are amazing at dropping whatever is going on in your lives and somehow manage to cheer up everyone else. I know the girlies behind the scenes also work very hard. I appreciate you all very much and hope you have a wonderful holiday. Thank you so much. Thanks, Sarah. Sarah, and I really do...

Please message me directly and tell me where am I or you're dry stock farmers because... Yeah, and I apologise for right after the shout out to our friend Rose, who's obviously a wholesome person. We talked about eating celebrities.

Okay. Do you think that we're close enough friends that could, without getting upset at each other and not being able to see each other again, say how we'd cook each other? Yeah. I'm ready.

Well, I'd just do both of you at the same time in a big pot and boil you. A stew of sorts. Like a boiler. Would you boil up? Boil honey. Go for a boiler. Would you have po' boys? Yeah, I would.

Yeah, would you, Chris? I'm not angry about this. Would you boil up? Yeah, if you left po' boys? Yeah I would Yeah would it Chris? I'm not angry about this We're in a boil up? Yeah if you left us boiling up Like my fat would dissolve And it would go all through But you'd need to scrape it off the top Yep

Vaughn for you As long as you're doing it right I would want to respect you as a meat Yeah Do you know what I mean? I would want to I like this I'd want to season it

Put it in the fridge And leave it for a bit Yeah yeah yeah I want to bring it back out I want to bring it to room temperature Yeah And I'd reverse sear you As I know that you would want to be cooked.

My lady. Twice cooked. Twice cooked. Yeah, and Fletch, I would, you're a wing. I'm so sorry. You've just gone so shrewd. I know you're a wing.

Like Timothee Chalamet. I'd gnaw at you, and I wouldn't get right down to the bone. I'd throw away the bone. Hayley, I would put you, you'd be a pork rolled roast. I would cook you. You said you wouldn't get roast. I would cook you.

You said you wouldn't get insulted. I'm not insulted. It's not insulted. It's one of my favorite cuts. It would be cooked on a rotisserie. So it's slow to get done. I'd be, I'd be braising you. You'd be dripping on the fire and causing little sparks. And I'd keep on encoding.

And then at the end, I'd put it on a lower rack and get you to crackle up. No. I've got some surface fat, but I'm quite a lean meat underneath. Thank you very much. Kachinko, Fletch, Rissoles. Yeah, fuck you. You're getting minced, bitch. Unbelievable. On the next podcast

shout out, Renee, Megan, and Moore. And we don't know yet but those two at least.