ZM's Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley - Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley's Christmas Cocktail Special - 18th December 2023

Episode Date: December 17, 2023

This episode contains explicit content & themes, and is definitely not one for younger listeners!Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley crack open the Christmas Cocktails, and continue to wait for their Espresso Marts'!See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Fleshborn and Hayley's Christmas Cocktail Special It better be good. Yeah. Oh, they're amazing. They really are good. They are. Shikiri board's getting a knocking. Yeah. Which is good. Blueberry's, Jumbo Blueberry's gone. Yeah. Carrots are going well, actually. Carrots are going well. The black salami, one of you tried that?

Yeah, that was really yum. Yeah, it is. That was really, really good. Personal favourite. We're down to two bits of that. What do you call that thinly sliced carrot? Chewed meats? Oh, um.

Prosciutto. Prosciutto. Prosciutto? Prosciutto. I was going to say the wrong one. Prosciutto. I love that thinly shaved meat. Well, we've been asking you for your e-Christmas cards. We've got a few more. Charlie Markley says

I'm a jaded veteran from the east side of Podunk, West Virginia. Thank you for your service. Is that what you say to American veterans? Can we Google that, the east side of Podunk, West Virginia. Thank you for your service. Is that what you say to American veterans? Can we Google that, Vaughn? Podunk. Podunk. Podunk.

I've heard of it. It's spelled P-O-D-U-N-K. Like P-O-D-U-N-K. Yo, what's up? I'm Marcus. I'm the lead figure of Podunk. P-O-D. P-O-D.

Youth of the nation. Sorry, that's just me eating a carrot. In terms, Podunk and Podunk Hollow in American English denote or describe an insignificant, out of the way, or completely fictitious town. Oh, so he's just saying, like, we'd say bumfuck middle of nowhere. Yeah, so he's from Podunk. Fucking nowhere, West Virginia. Yeah, yeah.

It's an American version. Bumfuck nowhere. Oh, bumfuck nowhere. I'm incredibly jealous that y'all get to have your Christmas when it's warm out. Y'all. Yeah. I hope you treat yourselves to a Brandy Alexander.

Now, I've pre-Googled what a Brandy Alexander is. A Brandy Alexander is a brandy-based dessert cocktail consisting of cognac, creme de cacao. Oh, Jesus. And cream. Creme de cacao we use for our Turkish delight cocktail that we made. There is a version simply known as the Alexander. This is a variant of the earlier known

cocktail simply called the Alexander. Oh yeah, please shake. James is making espresso martinis in the background. And a protein shaker. Yeah, this is secret. It's better. Protein shakers are better than cocktail shakers. You put this on to me because I always use a cocktail shaker

and the froth is fine. But when James makes them, they're always frothier. It's the cocktail shakers. You put this on to me because I always use a cocktail shaker and the froth is fine. Yeah. But when James makes them, they're always frothier. It's the cocktail shaker. Do you leave the little spring ball in the middle? No, I don't. Take that out.

I chuck those away. Yeah, I chuck them out the minute and moment I get a shaker. Brandon Alexander, it's always been my go-to nightcap while waiting for that jolly old Canadian Saint Nick. Charlie says, it's highlight of the year.

Well, who'll highlight of the year? I haven't really picked up on a gender so far. I imagined it was a guy, but you're right. I think it's highlight of the year. Or her highlight of the year. I haven't really picked up on a gender so far. I imagined it was a guy, but you're right. I think it's a girl. Charlie can also be a man and Charlie can also be a female soldier. Switching from, my highlight was switching from $6 champagne to $10 Prosecco based solely on how much of the stuff y'all seem to drown yourselves in. Thank you.

I wonder what brand of Prosecco it is. Because have you ever been to America and seen how cheap our wine is over there yeah it is fucked up how cheap it is but if you go to scotland or england or something our wine is exorbitant yeah really yeah oh my god when i've because i've done long stints in edinburgh multiple times the new zealand wine you can't do it uh Shall I do one? Yes. Help yourself. Rihanna. Rihanna.

Rihanna. Yeah. Maurice. Maurice. How many? Rihanna Morris from Tamaki Makaurau, from Auckland, baby. Kia ora. Kia ora. She says,

Marikere himete, especially to my hubby, Hayden. Lovely. And her highlight of, that was the message? Is that all? That's all. Nothing personal for us? Okay. Unreal. And her highlight of... That was the message? Is that all? That's all? Nothing personal for us? Okay. Unreal.

Nothing we can extrapolate from that. Rhiannon's highlight of the year was and now always will be Christmas orphans. Oh, fuck off. They're actually here because it's not yet Christmas. No. Does he keep them in his bloody closet?

We're in Fletcher's apartment at the moment. He's cleaning up his Christmas miz. Are you talking about us oh oh Mr Fletcher fuck off oh hello everybody

hello everyone Mr Fletcher hired us to clean his big swish inner city apartment yeah get out of it's good

who's this lovely lady bringing me a chocolatey beverage those aren't for you because this is an adult drink chocolate chocolate brother our first

drink cheers cheers oh my god I hope I get fucked up Those aren't for you because this is an adult drink. Chocolate, chocolate. Brother, our first drink. Cheers. Cheers. Oh, my God. I hope I get fucked up. Is that the saying? Oh, no. Don't get fucked up. Oh, okay.

Oh, that's good. Yeah, that's good. Thank you, James. Thank you, James. Thank you, gay James. He's the first gay I've ever met. I'm gay too. Are you gay, brother?

Yeah, I'm always gay and happy. Oh, I think it means something different in the city. What does it mean, in the city? Apparently it's when one man loves another man or another woman loves another woman. What? Where does it go? Has anybody told the Reverend?

We must go to church. We better be off then. Let's go tell the Reverend about these gays. Yeah. I'm sure he probably already knows. Bye, Grumpy Mr Fletcher. Bye, Mr Fletcher. Bye, Gayays. Yeah. I'm sure he probably already knows. Bye, Grumpy, Mr. Fletcher. Bye, Mr. Fletcher. Bye, Gay James.

Bye. Sorry, guys. We went for a little wheeze. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Okay. Did you see the kids leave? Yeah, they were just passing.

Yeah, the kids were talking about how they're like, where does it go? Where does it go? Okay, right. Seeing them, oh, so Rhiannon came to FVH live,

saw the orphans. She said seeing the orphans live was the best, especially after a fucking shit election result. Going to be way more poor orphans next year. All right, we're political. Anyway, Delish. Now Mike's here. He's two ticks blue.

Just remember Mike's here. Our friend Mike's arrived. We'll just remain politically neutral. Anyway, Delish camping cocktail. Toast a marshmallow. This is a bit of you. Okay. Pop it in a glass and pour a shot or two of white Bacardi over it. What's white Bacardi?

It's just Bacardi. Just Bacardi. Just Bacardi. Yeah, not like dark rum. Not a dark rum. A white rum. Shot or two of white Bacardi over it. Top with Sprite.

Easy, tasty camp cocktail. I feel like by adding, there's something else you could add instead of Sprite. Yeah. You don't need to add Sprite. Lost me at Sprite. Marshmallow rum, coconut milk? You could make it like a schmoor situation.

A coconut schmoor? She said, also you could add a nip of chocolate liqueur to your espresso martini. Oh, mocha mellow martini. Some white chocolate liqueur would be good with that yeah yeah okay thank you thanks good good good fantastic yeah uh joey uh joey henderson's next uh merry crisis now i don't know if that's a spelling mistake or is that what oh apparently it's a young is it a generation

they say Merry Chrysler as well Merry Christmas fucking Merry Chrysler shoot me in the face what happened to you I used to be young

yeah like literally it felt like yesterday thank you for giving me someone to listen to at work love your podcast XO Gossip Girl highlight

I got my full licence and my forklift licence that is a short but sweet one who still doesn't have their licence and probably won't by the time you're listening is producer Shannon. No, I've booked it in.

I might have it by then. Might have it by Christmas? God, we hope so. Am I still paying for that? Yeah. Why did I agree to that? Because we were desperate to make her a more well-rounded human being. Fuck, that's going to be $90 gone, isn't it? Oh, well. Yeah, and she'll fail as well, so then you're going to do another. It's smaller.

I said I'd pay once I didn't say I'd give you Did he specify once? He said I'll pay No I said Vaughn had the idea of because he's a parent you say I'll pay

when you get it. Yeah. You have to get it and then he pays you. And I'll pay you back. Yeah he pays for one. One. He pays for the one

where you got it. I'm not subsidising you being a loser and failing. Exactly. I pay for a winner. Can youising you being a loser and failing. Exactly. I pay for a winner. Can you picture him as a father? I'm not subsidising you being a bloody loser.

Therapy? What are you? Brianna says, Kia ora, I'm Brianna. I'm the person who messages in for lots of the little silly polls. Silly little polls on Instagram. Thank you.

I'm a primary school teacher in Wellington. Wow. I hope you all have a fab Christmas break you've got me through some of my hardest days well that's very nice

and I also feel like I get to celebrate good days by listening to you too my friend Ruben and I have competitions we love a Ruben

as a sandwich as far as being named after a sandwich I don't think she's friends with a sandwich what other sandwiches could you be named after I'm friends with a sandwich

I don't know if there are cheese and onion yeah I don't think she's friends with a sandwich though. What other sandwiches could you be named after? I'm friends with a sandwich. I don't know if there are. Cheese and onion. Yeah. I don't know if there are names that share their names with a sandwich. Types of sandwich. Because if I was naming a child

and we're going based on favourite sandwiches, my child would be chicken salad sandwich toasted with cheese. With gravy. Jane Sproul. Dipping gravy, yeah.

Jane Sproul. 19 of the most popular sandwich types across the world. Do they have names other than the Reuben? Chicken sandwich, egg sandwich, seafood sandwich, roast, beef sandwich, grilled, cheese sandwich, Nah, they're just sandwiches. They're just telling us the ingredients of the sandwich. Ice cream sandwich, prawn sandwich. Oh, that's right.

Give it up, Dawn. I don't think you're finding a name there. I don't think you're finding a name. There is another, isn't there another deli meat sandwich that's got a name? A hoagie? A hoagie is good. The bread's different, right? It's almost like a hot dog.

Like a bun, like a hot dog. Yeah. You could be called hoagie, but I've never been called hoagie. That's bloody stupid. Brandy goes on to say. This is strong, isn't it? This espresso mart. It's, yeah.

It's something. Are you liking that one? Because you're more of a. Yeah, it's all right. It's all right. The caramel? Because you're more of a... Yeah, it's all right. It's all right. The caramel coffee... Wow, James. No, no, it's not you.

I think it's the caramel coffee. The reviews are coming in. The caramel has an absurd twist, isn't it? The caramel throws me a little bit. Ruben and I have competitions to see who can get the most mentions on the radio. He did jump ahead a few points when Vaughn replied to his Honey Badger facts prior to Honey Badger fact of the week. I will admit, though, I have messaged and received replies from both Vaughan and Fletch on two different occasions,

but I'm yet to hear back from Hayley. What a bitch. She's a bitch. I'll say she's a bitch. She leaves a lot of people in the WhatsApp folder on your Instagram. Requests. In the requests.

She leaves a lot of people. I do a big delete all. Yeah, you're a- Sorry, I do do a delete all. We've got a word for that. It's cunt. I'm so sorry. Oh my God. Wow. I didn't want to say it, but it is. Three drinks got a word for that it's cunt i'm so sorry yeah wow i didn't want to say it but it is yeah three drinks in and i'm getting caught a cunt

don't have one of your fake arguments in the kitchen again yeah man you're getting really freaking lippy can i see you in the bedroom please what a surprise showing off Not in front of our friends. Shut up. I think we should go. Shut up. Stop packing it. Stop packing it. Why? No, no, don't leave.

Don't leave because I'll be stuck with this bastard the whole night. No, please don't leave. In fact, I'm going to open another bottle of red. Oh, God. It's when they open the red ad that you're like, oh. You've not been on reds and it's like, unless it's like the end or it's a change and you're moving to the lounge. But if someone just out of the blue opens a red and they've had it a little bit, they're looking at really to make a sharp right turn

and fuck everything up. For three days. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Brianna goes on to say, my highlight is I'm finally in a job that I absolutely love and I'm smashing it. And I found the love of my life and the most beautiful and kind-hearted woman result of some dabbling.

We love that. We're going to work lesbos. Plot twist. We always say this when we're doing little chats and whatnot that we're just not enough lesbian content.

Here it is. Well done, Brianna. A bit of Brianna for you. I mean, you're welcome to bring any lesbian content you want to the show. Thank you. Okay, so I was watching

a couple of lesbians go at it in a video on the internet. Oh my God, I saw the same video. Yeah, there's only one. Redhead, one brunette. Yeah, there's only one video of lesbians

on the entire internet and I found it. And she does the laundry and she gets her hand stuck in the back of the washing machine. She's like, oh my God, I'm stuck. Yes, and she's like, stepsister, I'm stuck. It was a real twist. Wait, how did she get out of the washing machine? The stepsister came and helped her.

Wiggled her loose. It's interesting because I reckon I would take stuff out of my washing machine, what, like three, four, five times a week, and I've never been stuck. I've never been stuck either. How do people get stuck? I don't know. They reach for something at the back. It gets caught with a grates or something.

Okay, right. A little vent. It gets caught on something and they get a ring off. Okay. They get their hand out. Interesting. It looks like it would be easier to remove the arm, but apparently it's not. Right. And they need help. It's when they get their hand to remove the arm, but apparently it's not. Right.

It's when they get their hands stuck in couch cushions that I'm a little confused. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How heavy are these cushions? Yeah, the couch cushions don't have the sort of rigidity to lock someone in like that. I don't know. I think you've lost gay, James.

I don't think gay porn does that. He's no commenting on that one. Something about gays who just don't get stuck in washing machines They're stuck That's crazy Must just be girls and lesbians Women are always getting stuck in things I'm stuck right now

My arm's stuck between the table and my thigh Help Help actually anyone in this room Help Wait I'll get my camera We'll make a second one of those lesbian movies Yeah there you go And then there'll be two.

And we'll have 50% of the market share. Yes. That's how it happens. That's good stuff. Courtney may or may not have dabbled. No, you missed Amy. No, I'm going back to Amy next episode. Oh.

Because I'm looking at the timer that we've got running and I'm seeing that we've probably got time for one more. Okay. And this is a little bit shorter. You are growing because you normally don't notice these things. I'm a professional. Take these things into consideration. Courtney says, I'm born and bred in Papamoa,

absolutely thriving by hating the beach. Why does she hate the beach? That is also the most picturesque, beautiful beach. Yeah. You know, she might live near the nude bit of that beach because, you know, they've had problems over the years with people. I've only been to the Mount Maunganui end. No, the other end is where all the nudists go.

It's between the mountain and Papamoa. You know exactly, do you? But now that it's all built up, I wonder if they've moved it further down the line. Here's a question. Down towards Makatu. If we would ever go to Papamoa as a team, and this could be for everyone,

and we went to that beach, would you get nude in front of your workmates? No, fuck no. I wouldn't get nude on the beach. Neither. How did this washing machine get on the beach? You were going to say, get out of my stomach. How the fucking washing machine?

I put your hands in the washing machine. I just want to do my laundry on the beach. Stop, brother. Stop, brother. Wait, you would get nude in front of us? In the right occasion, yeah, I would. Jesus Christ. I don't care.

I don't have sex with you. Yeah. It becomes a neutral body. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? When you see friends naked with you yeah it becomes a neutral body yeah when you see friends naked you're like that is a neutral body yeah but it's still weird though isn't it because you see someone in clothes all the time and then all of a sudden you're seeing like the nipples and the fanny and stuff and you're like interesting it's a lot because i hadn't seen too much time speculating what it might look like but now i'm wondering is it measuring up and then you'll be like oh how interesting.

I'm just going to have a look. Of course you have a little look. Courtney who hates the beach and probably now hates it even more. Cracker of a year. Thanks to the podcast and the content and Merry Christmas to everyone. Don't be dicks drive safe. Highlight of my year

moved from a government employer to a private employer so actually getting a Christmas party a government depends on how Christmas is no no because you're not allowed to have fun

because you know the New Zealand Herald and stuff will message them and do a request information act and find out they spent $500 on like cheese

and pickles and taxpayers are like I'm paying for cheese and pickles at your party yeah so it's a bit of a problem with morale

right oh god or something that should be allowed I would be happy if my portion of tax I am paying for cheese and pickles at your party. Yeah. So it's a bit of a problem with morale. Right. Oh, God. Or something. That should be allowed. I would be happy if my portion of tax went towards government, department, Christmas parties. Yes, same.

That's my thing with tax. When people are like, my bloody tax is doing this. I'm like, well, no, pretend yours isn't. Pretend yours is doing what you want your tax to do. And I'll take care of that. Yeah. I'll look after these people. You look after that road. I want my tax to go towards saving people on washing machines

because it seems like it's a problem. Yeah, and it's actually a huge problem. It's sort of an awareness campaign. Yeah. It needs a marketing push. Stop sticking your hands in the parts back there. Especially women. Especially front loaders.

They seem to be the problem. That is our Christmas cocktail special. We've got another episode, episodes to come, Many episodes to come In our next episode Will we finish this espresso martini Or go on to the next one I finished when Hayley said she was going to get nude in front of us at the beach

I needed a bit of Dutch courage It's not that bad No no Well I could blame the booze for my wandering eye Oh yeah exactly I'm not looking my eyes are just falling down