ZM's Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley - Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley's Christmas Cocktail Special -19th December 2023

Episode Date: December 18, 2023

This episode contains explicit content & themes, and is definitely not one for younger listeners!Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley crack open the Christmas Cocktails, and chat Orphans, Water Tanks, & Coffee Patrón (after a shot of course...)See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Fleshborn and Hayley's Christmas Cocktail Special. Welcome to our Christmas Cocktail Special. The latest episode. Episode 5. 4. It's episode 4. I believe it's episode 4. Let me start the timer.

Stand by. Start the timer. We were going to start with a margarita. Margarita. But we're out of Contra, so Gay James has gone downstairs. We need a powerful enough blender to do ice. Yeah. So we're going to do a frozen.

Oh, yeah, perfect. Oh, perfect. I've got a great blender. He's got one of those fancy blenders. You know, the big, I've got a Nutribullet. That's all I've got. Oh, yeah, okay. You've got a big square one.

KitchenAid? No, I forget the brand, but it's fucking bougie. What are they called? It will melt everything. Yeah, it's good. It makes a good frozen mug. Yeah, it's good. Having made some of myself in there.

So we're waiting for Gay James to come back with the Cointreau so we can have a margarita. So instead, we said we're going to do a shot, and you've got Coffee Patron. Yeah. Which is a tequila. Apparently they don't make any more., and you've got coffee Patron. Yeah. Which is a tequila. Apparently, they don't make any more. They don't make the coffee Patron.

I've got a bottle in my liquor cabinet. It's so good. And I don't know what to do with it. I think Patron scaled back. What do you do with it? Just drink it? Yeah. All you have if you want.

All right. Have your tequila. You could have it in a margarita. You could make a coffee margarita. Jeepers. I wouldn't even think of it. Coffee. Frozen coffee margarita would be pretty good.

Yeah, all right. Cheers, everybody. Cheers. To Lady Di. To Lady Di. And are we shotting this? Yeah. Oh, Jesus Christ.

It's in my nose. That's delicious. It's in my nose. Delicious. Again, we will take this moment to say we're not encouraging Binge or excess drinking at all We are having waters between And several breaks between drinks Your water tastes like shit

No offence Yeah you got You got fat water He's got fat water Yeah yeah yeah Don't fact shame my water You got fat water You can smell it before

I've got a I'm sorry I don't drink water You can smell it before It has your mouth It smells like you're drinking a pool I'm sorry I'm not Stealing water from the earth's core, Vaughn.

Remember when the biggest thing conspiracy theorists had to go on was fluoride and water? Yeah. And they were upset about that. I know. And then the government's like, hold our beer. Hold this vaccine. Gotcha!

Yeah, you've got shit water. Yeah, dude. Horrible water. You're going to my place on Sunday. Please try the tap water. Oh, yeah. Your water's... Sorry, I'm eating a carrot.

ASMR carrot. My water comes from 210 metres below the Earth's surface. Yep. Fantastic. Cost me a fortune to tell you that. Now, when you fertilise your ground, is that leaching into the water supply? It's so far down that it would have to really work to get through there. I'm probably just getting the DDT

and stuff that the farmers were spreading on the land 80 to 90 years ago. Because we just put a new water tank in our house and this one, unlike our last one, we can hook into it and get unfiltered crap water for the garden. But what if a possum dies? Oh, you're not drinking this water? No, we're not drinking it.

I went to garden or to do whatever. We went to a house party once in high school and because it was a lot of rural people, this was a rural party, someone took a shit in their family's water tank. Oh, fuck off. Like, how? And then I didn't know what had happened at the time

because we were kind of friends at the time. How do you shit into a water tank? You get up on the top and you take the concrete, you take the concrete lid off the water tank and then you squat on top of the water tank. Is this drinking water? Yes. Oh, for God's sake.

I know, it's so gross. And then the big, like, this is, he was our mate and nobody knew sweetie is there no contra oh no it is okay you just

my car declined why did you because you walk around the corner we're talking about shitting in a water tank oh yeah oh that's why

sorry Gabe James has just walked back someone shat in a water tank at a party in Moransville I know our prime minister was from Moransville let's remember that

it was probably her no I don't want that getting out there I don't want she used to sober drive people home from parties of course she did she's an angel she used to probably her. No, I don't want that getting out there. I don't want you. She would do it. She used to sober drive people home from parties. Of course she did. She's an angel.

She used to do that sort of thing. I don't think she was squatting atop Michael McKenzie's dad's water tank to take a shit in it, you know. Did she know Michael McKenzie? What? Did she know Michael McKenzie? Yeah, she would have known Michael McKenzie. She'd be horrified somebody did that. Oh, she would be terrified.

Yeah. Absolutely. I can say hand on heart. View the microphones for just a second Jared that was a shocking that was a shocking turn of events wasn't it yeah

okay I was gonna say hand on heart other than one slight slip shot I've never shat anywhere other than a toilet

where was I've shat in the shower I was like spewing and spewing and pooing Very hungover Yeah no I've never done that Crying but laughing Yeah horrible I have the well publicised Prague scooter

Yes of course Beautiful place to be though If you're going to shoot yourself Beautiful city Top 10 city in the world to shit yourself if you're going to shit yourself I highly recommend Prague darling

Lonely Planet's top 10 places to shit yourself and number 8 on that list was Michael McKenzie's dad's water tank in 1998 that's wild how did we get onto water tanks your water tastes like shit

you've got thick fat water like Scotland tastes milky. Let's get on to some of them. Amy, Amy Ellis, who you may remember if you're a little bit of a train spotter

of the last podcast, you said I'd skip this one. I said it was coming back to us because it was a little, a little girthier. Why did you skip it? Because it was longer. It was girthier.

And I was being time, sensitive. Sensitive. I was being aware of time. Amy says, I'm from Auckland I filled in my name As Amy

Alice But that's a lie My name is actually Amy Thomas But I'm getting married soon And I figure by the time This gets read out My name will be changed

I'm way too excited about it And I'm feeling like A bad feminist Don't be a bad feminist Change your name Now when's the wedding Do you think she's thought About catering

Because you've had A real hard on For wedding catering this year, Vaughan. I have, yes. You offended our friends, Maddie and Ryan. Oh, my God. Well, one of our friends is getting married behind us, actually, and I'm worried that the wedding's not going to be enough. He's assured me there's a pizza oven.

Is there a pizza? He's assured me there's a pizza. Is there going to be the taco truck? No taco truck. No tacos. There was a pizza oven at the other wedding we went to, Mike. I've already told Mike about this. I've told Mike you can see it.

Too much pressure. Is the pizza oven big enough for multiple pizzas? Because that's what I think. They went wrong. They were only cooking one at a time. And they take too much time, yeah. Don't have a pizza food truck if you can only do one at a time. You've got to be able to do seven.

Seven pizzas at a time? Yeah, dude. And they just rotate them around. There's no even score. There's no bloody dominoes. Get a dominoes. Why not? Merry Christmas to Briar Stewart and the orphans who... They've gone. Have you called our name?

We spat, Mr Fletcher. No, you're gone. We went down to church, told the reverend about the gays. He was like, I know about those bloody gays. He whacked me with a cross. He was like, don't you mention them ever again. Yeah, get out of here. And then he booted us in the arse.

We walked back here. That's exactly what we've been up to since then. He encouraged us to find Gay James a lovely wife. Yeah. He said, what, James? Gay James has never seen a vagina. A vagina? Yeah.

Oh, wow. What can I say about them? Lots of different little bits and bobs. I've never seen one, but I am only a child, not a gay. They're fascinating, Gay James. Tell us more about them. There's innie bits and outie bits. Some people got more outies than innies. Some people got more innies than outies. Does the innie bits and outie bits some people got more outies than innies

some people got more innies than outies does the innie become the outie sometimes oh my god depends

little button on the top I don't know what that does but I've been told sounds like a toilet it does doesn't it like a little flasher

yeah I wonder what happens if you push it I'll never know alright bye bye bye off to find gay James and wife flusher. Yeah. I wonder what happens if you push it. I'll never know. Alright, bye. Bye. Off to find gay James' wife. Did they, they were. Sorry, we're back. We'll just go for another week.

You always seem to nip out when they come. I hate kids. I've got a strong stance on kids. When they're around, I don't want to be here. Yeah. She goes on to say, Merry Christmas. Season's greetings to the fam. Not that they listen, but it still counts.

They are the anti-Christmas Christians. So gotta keep in your... How are you anti-Christmas Christians? Christmas celebrates the very birth of your beloved Jesus. Christ Mass. It's in the name. Sounds like they're convenience Christians. I mean, you're from a Catholic family.

Yeah. Well, now that my pop's dead, I probably won't ever spend another Christmas with her side of the family other than her. But they've got a couple of deep chrisos on their side. Oh, no, we don't have deep chrisos. No, and they bring it up that we're not Christian. Oh, really?

Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my nan was the last of the great Catholics. Right. My mum would consider herself Catholic but doesn't believe in telling a priest your confessions, which is like a crucial element of the Catholic Church because she's like, why does that Nazi bastard need to know? Yeah.

If God's really watching, he'll already know. He'll know. Yeah. He's all knowledge. She also doesn't believe in the devil because that just seems bad. Like all of these weird things, but she would consider herself a Catholic, but she probably doesn't even go to church. Doesn't believe in the devil because that just seems bad. Like all of these weird things, but she would consider herself a Catholic, but she probably doesn't believe in the devil as a Catholic.

No, he doesn't believe in the devil. But believes in God. What if she picks and chooses? I don't know. She's stubborn like me. She said she was once and so she's got to follow through. Yeah, right. The highlight for Amy was recovering from long COVID after being sick for 18 months. Oh my God. Oh my God. Fuck yes, it's good to be alive. Appreciate your health when you have it, everybody. I'm so sorry for 18 months. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Fuck yes, it's good to be alive. Appreciate your health when you have it, everybody. I'm so sorry to hear that. Amy, Jesus, that's a long time. I have a friend who got it when it was first year 2020, and she's still suffering, like only just coming right now. Interesting thing she's told about, like, there's something about the long COVID that depletes your serotonin and your happy hormone.

So people are finding it so hard to recover from this thing and they feel miserable. And it's not just because you're depressed about COVID. You're depressed because actually your chemicals are getting depleted. It's killing your chemicals. So she went on like an antidepressant to boost it and it helped a lot, which was interesting. Wow.

Because you wouldn't think of mental health when it came to that, but it was actually chemically draining chemical in her brain. But your mental health aids in physical recovery, right? Totally. Isn't that linked? That if you've got a bad attitude, or not a bad attitude. Bad attitude. Depression, AHA, a bad attitude.

If you've got a bad attitude to me, motherfucker, get out there and eat a banana and go for a walk beside a river. Hey, Doc, thanks for seeing me. I'm just feeling really down. Sounds like you've got a case of the bad attitude to me, motherfucker. Get out there and eat a banana and go for a walk beside a river. Hey, Doc, thanks for seeing me. I'm just feeling really down. Sounds like you've got a case of the bad attitude, mate. Buck up your ideas, champ. I'm sorry I didn't mean it like that. I mean that.

Yeah, I know. If you can't put yourself in the right state of mind. You'll never heal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your body can suffer as well. With you, with you. All right. Holly McDowell is from Hamilton, New Zealand.

Willis, you better buy me something this year and not nothing again, please. That's literally her entire message and the highlight is moving into our new house on Labor Weekend. Congrats. That's pretty cool. New house. What do you want for Christmas?

Okay, say the number one thing you want for Christmas. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Me or her? You, you, Vaughn, go. The $1,000 Star Wars Lego is Venator set. Oh my God, grow up. But I know it's ridiculous. What are you going to do with it? I'm not going to spend $1,000 on Lego, but it's just set. Oh my God, grow up! But I know it's ridiculous. What are you going to do with it?

I'm not going to spend $1,000 on Lego, but it's just like, oh, fuck. Yeah, it's very nice. Producer Jared, do you know what this thing is? Yeah, it's really cool. Is it? Anakin Skywalker's... Yeah, you guys think about it.

Oh my God. No, I'm just saying it could be something you like. Did your dick just go inside you? My dick is so inside me, it's coming out the top again. Yeah, it's got a mega soft on. Fletch, what do you want for Christmas? I don't know. I don't want presents. You don't really do presents, do you? My dick is so inside me, it's coming out the top again. Yeah, he's got a mega soft on. Fletch, what do you want for Christmas? I don't know. I don't want presents.

You don't really do presents, do you? Yeah, I don't know. Right. And I've sent you guys my registry, so you know what that is. Yeah. What do you want, though? I want a drum kit.

Oh, my God. Yeah, I know I'm going to relearn the drums. A loud one or an electric one? I'm going to go electric because I'm not a prick now. I'm an adult who owns a house. So I want an electric drum kit to start.

I want to relearn what I've forgotten from being a teenager and then I want to get a real kit. Does this mean you're going to start a metal band?

2024 Hailey's versions on the drums. What are you doing in the metal band? He growls. You've got big vocals.

You have big bass player energy. I used to play bass. Yeah, I knew it. He's slapping the bass player energy I used to play bass Yeah I knew it He's slapping a bass Slapping a bass He's gonna slap at a bass

And do the Yeah the backup screaming Yeah it's gonna be so good Yeah Good stuff Hogs is next A long time Oh yeah absolutely

Fanny Hogan Member of the fam From Tauranga I always thought Hogs was from New Plymouth Well you got it wrong Am I incorrect Buster I don't know I'm unsure I always thought Hawks was from New Plymouth. Well, you got it wrong, Buster. I don't know. I'm unsure. I didn't know she was from Tauranga. Don't say it like that

either. Did you hear that? From New Plymouth. No, we've decided this year collectively we like New Plymouth. Yeah, we had a fantastic birthday weekend. I've been there three times, three, four times this year. I grew up, my mum's family is from, where are they from? Oponaki.

And Pihama and that region. And they moved up here and everyone from New Plymouth gave them I grew up, my mum's family's from, where are they from? Oponaki. Oponaki. Oponaki. And Pihama in that region. And they moved up here and everyone from New Plymouth gave them shit for leaving Taranaki and coming to the Waikato. So I grew up with a lot of New Plymouth back and forth. Right. So it's just ingrained in me. Imagine if we'd seen each other, like walked past each other in the street before knowing

each other. Oh my God, me and Aaron think that. Because we were hanging around the same small town when I was at high school and he was at university and we all knew that guy but we didn't ever see each other but we knew we literally now then when we got together when I was 21 he was 29 we were like oh my gosh like you lived there when I lived there you see those photos of those people at a tourist spot? Oh my gosh. I love those stories. I was in a parade and he was watching the parade.

He has a photo and there he is. I was at Disneyland and I had this photo with my family and behind me is his photo. I love that. I love those. And they were dead for five years. Horg says, your time greetings. Just want to say thanks as always for the

virtual friendship via the earwaves. I'm editing out compliments. He is! The live show is... You've got to copy, you've got to read the compliments and give them to yourself. Thanks as always for the daily laughs and virtual friendship via the earwaves. The live

show was amazing. I was just going to say I came to the live show. No. I love big parts of community. Also, by now, I hope shit's getting as loose as it was on the Cambodian balcony. This is when we were in Cambodia, we did this. Did you? Everybody had diarrhea apart from me.

I didn't have diarrhea. You didn't get diarrhea? I don't think I did. No, I didn't. I'm so sick to shit. I've been here for two years now. I'm so sick of hearing about How much you guys got to travel With this show

Back in the day We went to Dubai for a week I have been to Christchurch And Christchurch It's lovely We did a 10 day tour Of the UK we did Back in 2010

That fucking ruled And then we tagged on Like a week in Europe That was when I pissed off The lady at the Scottish Loch Ness Monastery I always think of that What is happening

Loch Lomond Was where we were Loch Lomond I can never go back there I've been to Loch Lomond I where we were. Loch Lomond. I can never go back there. I've been to Loch Lomond. It's beautiful. I can never go back. Beautiful.

He asked the lady at the information centre if they'd considered introducing freshwater dolphins for tourist attraction. And she fucking went off at me. She went like crazy. Oh, she didn't think it was funny? No, no. She's just like.

Like what? She told us to leave a national park. Because you weren't taking it seriously. Oh my God. We're doing an interview for the right here, bitch. Like, calm down. How am I? Like, calm down.

If you're not going to take it serious, you can fuck off. Yeah, basically. Love the work. Enjoy your break. Hog. In the fam since the start. Vaughn, whatever happened to that goat? He died.

But he died of goat's Crohn's disease. It's the equivalent of Crohn's Disease for goats. Maybe for listeners that have just joined the pod in the last few years, when Vaughn first started- Now Hayley's on it, I'll come. Yeah, yeah, yeah, basically. No, and Vaughn's initiation week was to hitchhike up the country in what year? 2004.

You could never do this now. In 2004. I don't know who died. Found a goat in Invercargill, and Vaughan hitchhiked up the country, getting rides with listeners, to Auckland with a goat. I slept with a goat at night.

What the, where did you sleep? Like, he had his finger out, his thumb out, and get rides in the back of people's cars with a fucking massive goat the goat was such a good boy though such a good boy his name was Matt what do you mean

it nearly died you couldn't find it food no no no there was one day where he just got a bit overheated and a bit dehydrated apparently they overheat like you know

like a PC yeah yeah yeah when you've been running it for too long in the server room yeah you gotta turn it off for a bit

and we were just like oh fuck we're gonna have to find a new goat and pretend that one didn't die Oh my god But he pulled through He pulled through

And he actually lived on He lived on my parents farm Yeah And that was like My parents had never had goats before And then after that They always get a goat They like goats

Yeah Cause you've got a couple of goats And your dad was really sad When Matt passed away When Matt passed away He rang me and he was upset And I was like What's wrong

He wasn't crying But he was like I've got some terrible news. And I'm like, grandparents? Yeah. And he's like, Matt's had to be put to sleep. And I was like, oh, my God. And yeah, he was like, oh, it's not going to be the same milk and the cows

without being able to look out there and see them. And he gave me a little bar. Oh, he's upset. Dad's upset. My dad's the worst farmer because he gets really upset when animals die and animals are dying all the time. Oh, my God. I'm so glad it wasn't around for those days.

My initiation was just to turn up and do the job. Well, you were also probably about seven years old, probably four. In 2004, I was 14, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You can never do that now. Kate Mead is next from Green Bay, Auckland. Also, you were retrospectively cancelled for doing that.

I almost got cancelled at the time. The Waikato Times came in and took a photo and said, we're just going to do a lovely story about a Hamilton boy doing all right for himself. And then the headline was like, is this animal cruelty? You fucking arseholes. You bastards. Quick final shout out for this episode.

Kate Mead from Green Bay, Auckland. Raise your hands, she says. Merry Christmas to the Avondale Thunderpussies. Yeah. Are they roller derby girls? I think it's got roller derby written all over it. I used to live in a Von Delay. Beautiful place.

Am I going to be able to- You see? You fucking lie. You said you hated it. It's a beautiful place. I loved it. Someone pissed in my vent. Avondale Thunderpussies.

Let's take a moment for the time somebody stood on Hayley's car, pissed in her car vent because she's a bitch of a neighbour. Because I took their rubbish, their empty liquor bottles from their driveway, picked it up and hiffed it down their driveway so it smashed and then they pissed in my car vent. And then every time I put on aircon it smelled like straight old urine.

And so we sold our house and left Evanderland. Magnolia Thunder Pussy, Alabama Thunder Pussy. I'm not getting any hits on Avondale Thunder Pussy. Maybe they're just up and coming. I tell you what, Thunder Pussy's a fun word to say, though. Not number one this year, but maybe next. So they obviously didn't win their role.

Here you go. Their highlight was coming fourth in the annual netball quiz night. So maybe a netball team like a... You can't be in a netball team with the name Thunder Pussy. No, like, what is it? Social netball. The Avondale Thunder Pussies to court three, please. Playing about how we're hoes.

You can't have that over the loudspeaker. Okay, we're going to be back next with our next podcast episode, and I believe we'll be on the margs. Frozen margs, baby! Before that, I'm going to do a wee-wees.