ZM's Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley - Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley's Christmas Cocktail Special - 20th December 2023

Episode Date: December 19, 2023

This episode contains explicit content & themes, and is definitely not one for younger listeners!Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley crack open the Christmas Cocktails, and chat Margs' & Mama Fiorelli's!See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Welcome to the Christmas Cocktail Specials. I will say, at my house, there's always two things true. There's mints in the fridge. There's fucking mints in the fridge. There's never, do you know, the one time you guys come over, there's actually some nacho mints in the fridge. I came over before you got here. You gave me a key, and I came over to have a shower, and then I went to go mince in the fridge. I came over before you got here. You gave me a key and I came over to have a shower.

And then I went to go put something in the fridge and I was like, Vaughn, there's mince in the fridge. This is why he doesn't hang out with us when we say, oh, let's go have a treat. Let's do something fun. We've got mince in the fridge. You always say there's mince in the fridge. And there's Mama Fiorelli's. So whenever you guys want the oven put on, I'll put on some garlic bread. Mama Fiorelli's. So whenever you guys want the oven put on, I'll put on some garlic bread.

Mama Fiorelli's. The best garlic bread. Have you come round, Vaughan, to Mama Fiorelli's? No. Oh, he's anti. There's better garlic breads. We're hanging out the day after tomorrow, and I'm pretty sure this bitch is going to bring Mama Fiorelli's.

Are you going to say no? It's a breakfast hangout, though, so I don't know if Mama Fiorelli's is... I'm sorry, can you not have garlic bread at breakfast? You just cook it a little bit more and call it toast. That's it. Yes. It's garlic toast.

And then you put more things on top of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what makes it breaky. Now for this podcast episode we will be having a margarita.

Yes, our friends are in the kitchen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's some. They're doing a frozen. Yeah, the blender's Have a listen. Good blender.

Good blender. It's an OmniBlend is my blender. You asked what brand it was. OmniBlend. OmniBlend. I don't have a blender. I've just got a Nutribullet, which is a small blender. Yeah.

But you couldn't make like big soups or things like that. No, or mass margaritas. Or mass margaritas. No. Mass margaritas. Well, we've been asking you to send in your Christmas shout-outs. If you're hearing these, it's too late. Way too late.

It's way too late. Like a month too late. Like a month late. If you're hearing these, it's too late. Way too late. It's way too late. Like a month too late. Like a month late. Maybe nearly two months too late. It's two months too late. Okay, well while our blenders are, our margaritas are being blended in the background, can I kick off with Fran? Yeah, please do. Franny. Franny Betridge messages. She says

she's a Bogan West from way back, now living in Martin, arguably the West of the Rangitikei. Do you Martin, arguably the west of the Rangitikei. Do you think she meant the best of the Rangitikei? No, she's from Bogan West, like maybe West Auckland, I would say. Now living in Martin, which is arguably the west of the Rangitikei. Fran says, Merry Christmas to all the mental health and addiction nurses. Indeed, Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas to all the nurses who just do an amazing job. Jeep is often kept, very true, often kept very busy during the silly season and with limited access to all the fun relief mechanisms that everyone else enjoys. Too true, as we enjoy a cocktail. Much love, you groovy humans. I wanted to bring groovy back as a word, but then I got shy. And now I'm seeing it here again.

I thought maybe I'll bring that back. I still don't know. Because my first email address, no shit my last one before I got my name was miss underscore b underscore haved at hotmail.com Miss B Haved Kill me. Did you have a Roxy babe somewhere

in there? No, the first one I had was grew g i u underscore v underscore baby because I was a massive Austin Powers fan. Oh yeah. Thank you James. Wow. What flavour margarita

is this Jamie? Lemon. Just a lemon citrus there classic. Lemon citrus. Cheers everybody. No salt rim. Cheers.

Change into detail. You'd think the gays would know about the salty rim. You'd think the gays would know about not the first time this place has had

a salty rim. He said no to salty rim. Oh, James. Thank you so much. That's a strong margarita too. Thank you, Mike. Not to refer to him as gay Mike either

because he's my only friend that's called Mike. So we just call him Mike. Just Mike, yeah. Whereas gay James is one of many Jameses that I know. The only other Mike I know

was a kid I went to primary school with and we sung in the choir and we sung The Streets of Laredo and he had a solo line which was, I'm shot in the breast and I know I must die. Do you remember that line? Yeah. I went down to the streets of Laredo and his line was,

I'm shot in the breast and I know I must die. And everyone laughed at Mike Macharo. Because he said breast. Because he said breast. But technically you do have a breast as a man. Well, every man has a breast. You're shot in the breast. You're shot in the chest. You're going to die.

Yeah. I remember Streets of Laredo because it was a song that my guitar teacher said I had to play. And halfway through practice, I couldn't get it right. And I said at home, I believe as a nine-year-old, I may have said, fuck this. Now, that was wild. And my old man whacked me and that day he used my own guitar as the instrument of discipline and beat me with a guitar and mum said stop ian stop you'll break. Not you'll hurt our son. Yeah.

No. So this is always, I got a bit of. Yes. I got some. Yeah, right. Psychological attachments. PTSD. What are you doing teaching a nine-year-old streets of Laredo?

Yeah. Even in the 1990s. Way better to go for Lady Gaga. Every now and then my piano teacher would slam the lid on my fingers. What? If I wasn't doing it fast enough. Anyway. Wow.

But that's what has made you who you are today. Exactly. Now, Fran's highlight of the year was learning how to make a gingerbread latte cocktail. This is the second mention of a gingerbread cocktail. Did we Google the recipe? No, she's about to tell you how. All right. Make a latte as you prefer it.

Why prefer my latte? A latte. You can totally do it ice. We've got this. We've got these ingredients. Okay. Make a latte as you prefer it. Add a few shots of Baileys or similar.

Yes. Pour over ice and add some whipped cream and cinnamon and nutmeg sprinkles. If you have a Starbucks nearby, we don't fuck with Starbucks. Excuse me, show sponsor McCafe nearby. Just add Baileys to your McCafe iced coffee, grab a cup of iced coffee on the go. Yeah. To add a little shot of Baileys to that and enjoy.

That's not enough booze to milk. Baileys is not strong enough. We need a gin in there, we need a core. You have Baile's by itself. I don't know if I've got those. It's already pre-mixed. Spices, but that could be a goer. That could be a goer.

You don't have nutmeg. Oh, you've got a small spice rack, actually. It's actually an embarrassing spice rack. It's embarrassing. What do you mean? There's several Greggs boxes of spices. Mine's beautiful, eh? Do you remember seeing that?

I've stacked it all in custom jars. Oh, custom jars. Yeah, I've got custom jars and then I use a label maker and put nutmeg. Oh, beautiful. Must be nice. Must be nice.

It's a big investment of time and it adds up. It adds up. If you're going to fill up your spice rack with custom jars, that's going to be an expensive. Yeah, I've nailed it actually.

You've done really well. Yeah, thank you so much. You've done really well. Great work, Fran. And thank you to Fran. Thank you, Franny. Next is Earl. Yeah, I've nailed it actually. You've done really well. Yeah, thank you so much. Great work, Fran. And thank you to Fran. Thank you, Franny. Next is Earl. Earl, long time.

Long time listener. Long time listener. No! Not a first time messenger. Wrong use of the bell! Wrong use of, Earl doesn't get a ding ding. I'm Earl. Retract it.

I live in Melbourne. Producer Jared, please retract the bell. I don't know how you retract the bell. I thought Earl was living in Newcastle. Earl, when did you move to Melbourne and not tell me? By the time you hear this, I will have already asked you. Okay. I'm an Australian expat Kiwi.

I'm always annoying Vaughan with my messages, as I think he's my spirit animal. I am a spirit animal of sorts. Not sure what else to write. I doubt you want my story. He's read the situation very well. He knows you well there, Vaughan. Merry Christmas, FVH and CJS.

CJS. Hope it's a good one with your friends and fam. My highlight was having our first born turning one in January and having our second kid born in November. That's a big year. Sounds like a lot of kids. Daddy Earl. It sounds loud.

Can't help but feel. No, I won't say it. Good for you and I'm sure being a parent is the biggest joy in your life. Just can't help but feel that they'll be happier, you know what I mean? Like on a day to day basis without them. Yeah, like Friday cocktails when we just go out for a Friday cocktail. God, I said this in a show

because there's a part of my live show where I talk about not wanting to have kids and when I say to people, I can't help but feel when I see people with kids that they'd just be having a better time if the kids weren't there and all the parents were like, oh! I was like, tell me I'm wrong. And they couldn't.

Well, they don't have their kids there with them, do they? Yeah, I know. No, yeah. Corrine is next, Corrine Hall. I'm from Auckland, living the dream. And BNE, that's Brisbane. Yeah, that's actually the airport code, I believe. James?

BNE. Gay James, BNE. Because he used to be a flight, what did you call him? Barcelona? James, when you were out before, Vaughan called you a... Flight steward.

A flight steward. No. What do you prefer? A flight attendant? A flight... Yeah. He called you an air hostess. I actually called you a trolley dolly.

He called you a trolley dolly in your former job. And I said, sit here, sweetheart, and I tapped my lap. And then as he walked past, he went, pa-ching. Yeah, and I wagged my arse and said, how about another scotch sweater, sweetheart?

That's what I said. Yeah. My behaviour on a plane is shocking. And when he said, do you want some nuts? He said, do you want these nuts? Your behaviour on planes is shocking. You don't even remember getting home from that flight. Yours is shocking.

What do you mean mine's shocking? Oh, my God, you shush crying babies on planes. You act like an entitled cunt. That's not shocking. Shocking. What do you mean by shocking? Oh, my God, you shush crying babies on planes. You act like an entitled cunt. That's not shocking. Shush. Like, we're all going somewhere. It's a baby. Yeah, but drive.

Even I can see that they can't control themselves. Drive. You can drive. Not always. You can drive in a boat. Drive a boat. All right, Kareem wants to say Merry Christmas to her amazing 16 year old Lania Toko

and my 14 year old son Alex Avia. So you're going to have a 14 and 16 year old listening to that and you just said the C word. Please apologise to these kids immediately. I do so apologise. These young adults.

Yeah, I mean there's been previous content on these Christmas specials that have been not safe for this season. Can I tell Corrine something to be wary of? What's that? I smoked my first joint at 14 and I had sex at 16.

Joint? Look forward to that, Corrine. How old's your oldest daughter born? 11, nearly 12. We are so I made out with my first girl at 12. Hayley and I are here for this. We are so ready for the following years.

These years, from 12 to 13, it just gets crazy. Oh, good. Oh, man, good. Oh, good. Oh, good. Oh, good. I love you guys with all my heart, says Corinne. You're both doing so well.

She was talking about her kids, not you. Because then she said you're both, and I was like, well, which two? You're both doing so well in your talking about her kids Not you Oh Because then she said You're both And I was like Which two? You're both doing so well In your schooling Keep up the good work

Well they won't do it They won't do the crazy things I did Highlight March holiday Travelling north Travelling to North Island With my family Lovely

Gorgeous North Island family roadie Lovely Oh I didn't start the timer Did you read? By the way Oh you did Yeah that's alright

We're free balling here What time are we at? Iareed, by the way. Oh, you did. Yeah, that's all right. We're free-balling here. What time are we at? I think we're in about eight minutes. Oh, thank you. Start the timer now. And when we get to about five, six, seven. Thank you, thank you, sweeties. Erica says, from Napier, we're at your live show.

Love the live show. Oh, they were the ones from Napier that drove up to the live show, even though I told them not to. Yeah, they were lovely. You said to them, do not travel. I said, for God's sake, don't do that. Because you did honestly feel bad that someone would travel all that way. Oh, all that time, the not travel. I said, for God's sake, don't do that. Because you did honestly feel bad that someone would travel

all that way. the time, the money, everything. But they had a great night. Don't feel bad. Ahoy, ahoy,

Mark. Merry Christmas. Love you, XO. Highlight of the year, going to Australia with our kids, six and eight, and doing all the theme parks.

So great. Great stuff. Nice, Erica. Thanks for coming to our live show. What a blast. Theme parks. You have to choose one.

Go. Nottsbury Farm. Oh, wait, we're on the Gold Coast or anywhere in the world? Anywhere in the world. I thought we were just theme parks. You have to choose one. Go. Move your word. Knott's Berry Farm. Oh, wait. Are we on the Gold Coast or anywhere in the world? Anywhere in the world. I thought we were

just on the Gold Coast. Why did you assume we were on the Gold Coast? We were literally going to Australia with our kids six and eight and doing all the theme parks.

And I said you could be any theme park you want. Knott's Berry Farm in Los Angeles. Which is the one that's a way out? We've talked about this. Knott's Berry Farm.

Six Flags. Six Flags. Yeah, that's good. That talked about this Knott's Berry Farm Six Flags Six Flags yeah that's good that's good Knott's Berry Farm is close to Disney Jared have you pissed yourself what's happening

why is everyone laughing I already just swiped oh the cat oh sorry my cat has just attacked Carl Wayne's hair no he does that when females

are on the couch and the hair's hanging down he'll go at it he's like to me when my hair was longer because he thinks it's a cute string. I'm so sorry,

he's a bit dumb. He doesn't know. You're stringy. He just called you you're stringy. I called you stringy. Sort of stringy, hey.

Oh my God. That raggedy ass hair there. He thinks it's a string. Yeah. Yeah, I go Knott's Berry Farm, close to Disneyland, way more adult theme rides.

Yeah, so good. I'd probably go to Disneyland yeah of course you would yeah you would what are you doing Fletch six flags

oh yeah nice I'll do the next one Katie McKenzie from carry on from my hood Lower Hutt Wellington

but they've recently moved to Edinburgh Scotland so I want to do a Christmas card for my sisters back home who listen to the podcast

who dear my beautiful sisters writes Katie McKenzie Olivia and Sarah I will to do a Christmas card for my sisters back home who listen to the podcast who dear my beautiful sisters writes Katie McKenzie Olivia and Sarah I will miss you this Christmas being my first one ever away from the fam please make sure you eat my share

of all the yummy Christmas lunch food eat my ass make sure you eat my ass and I'll miss having your brownie and mousse for dessert mousse on Christmas oh no I'd be here for a mousse on Christmas I love and mousse for dessert. Mousse on Christmas.

Oh, no. I'd be here for a mousse on Christmas. I love a mousse. Yeah. You didn't tell me twice. I love a mousse. There's not enough mousse in the world to have a mousse together. Yes, we have coffee mousse.

Yeah. Okay. I was just confirming we were all talking about mousse. The pudding. Not mousse as in the... Like creature. Oh, right. Yeah.

Well, so she's going to say enjoy the brownie and the moose. And the meaty moose. Love you both. They sound like siblings that get along. Yeah, well, I've got that in my life. It's very unusual.

It's very unusual. I love my brother. He's one of my best friends. James cries when his brother leaves at the airport. Yeah, I know. I'm the same as you, James. He's one of my best friends.

My brother and I have never fought in our life. That's wild. That is wild. My brother and I have never fought in our life. That's wild. That is wild. What about when you had cakes? I would exclusively fight. But what if you had to halve something like a cake or a chocolate bar?

He'd always give me the biggest share. What? Yeah. No. To be fair, he did whack me in the face with a golf club when I was three. It was a pretty dangerous accident. So I think after that, he felt so guilty he vomited at the time. I feel after that, he's always he vomited at the time. Yeah.

I feel after that he's always just been like right well I fucked her up. She wears a scar on her face for it. Oh she gets the front seat and the biggest piece of cake. If that was me

I'd be like I've fucked him up but I still get the biggest piece of cake. And he's going to get it again if I don't get the biggest piece of cake. Oh my god.

Katie McKenzie from Lower Hutt's highlight of the year was her eight week Europe trip of a lifetime. Okay, these motherfuckers that revenge-traveled eight weeks in Europe this year. Him talking like it's not him. Like when people are listening to this podcast at this exact moment, he's not doing that exact thing.

He's not actually overseas right now. Oh, no, I mean other people. I can guarantee right now when people are listening, you're on an overseas trip. When I had to work and we're now working and I'm doing all that work? How fucking dare they? When people are listening right now, you're on an overseas trip.

I'm up at Watermine Mountain. And Vaughan and I are probably doing yard work in our humble homes. No, don't start with that tone. I love a bit of yard work. Oh, you can come and do that. His ideal holiday is yard work. Yeah, I know.

He's been on the farm let. He'll bloody love it. So much good fun. Thank you, Katie. Our next holiday together will be at your wedding, and Vaughan and I are so excited. I'm looking forward to some Italian farm work. It's just crazy.

It's crazy. It's crazy. It's so weird, isn't it? What's weird? What's weird? No, it's just interesting. Because you get drunk, and you invite us to your wedding, and then you uninvite us sober.

It's so weird. It's not uninviting. It's not inviting. It's all like no one's really coming. You know, don't worry about it. It's not even really a thing you know it might not even happen right you never know it's odd though because vaughn and i booked the flights and ran them past you i know and you were like what's the name of the village and you've booked like the train and the transfer and the bus and stuff yeah yeah i haven't even done that right yeah well we'll be better get onto it

we can give you our booking number so you can make it the same. Right. Okay. Yeah. Wow, so you're going to be there from day dot for my wedding until the end of it. The whole time. Wow.

I'm actually helping Erin push it in. What? On the wedding night. I've actually. I've got some experience from growing up on a horse growing up with my grandparents at a horse farm I had to insert a horse's penis

into a horse's vagina oh my god you know wedding nights they get a bit drunk but the other horse didn't know what was happening yeah yeah yeah one of the advantages

you will you will because it'll be loudly announced Vaughn Smith thumbing in a softie cannot wait to come back next well after the wedding and try to do a normal radio show like youan Smith thumbing in a softie. Cannot wait to come back after the wedding

and try to do a normal radio show like you haven't thumbed in my husband in an overseas trip that you weren't invited to. I did tell him he's got to slow down. Hey buddy, you've got some fucking to do later on.

Cheers to Lady Di. That's our latest podcast Christmas cocktail special. We're leaving it there. Good lord. Ending on a high and we're still going on our margarita. What's our next cocktail for the cocktail special?

I'm just looking. You can't see what we're seeing listeners but Fletch has an incredible bar cart that is always stocked and you always have like the staples. There's lots of vodka, tequila, gin. You've got Angstora bitters too. He's got some odd stuff. Yeah, I do.

Should we challenge someone to make up a cocktail? I wish I'd got someone AI to do our cocktail. Tell AI a bunch of stuff. Okay, let's do that. And we'll get AI to make us a cocktail. AI cocktail.