ZM's Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley - Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley's Christmas Cocktail Special - 21st December 2023

Episode Date: December 20, 2023

This episode contains explicit content & themes, and is definitely not one for younger listeners!Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley crack open the Christmas Cocktails, and chat Fireworks, Couch Cats, & Tractors!See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Fleshborn and Hayley's Christmas Cocktail Special. It's refreshing. Yeah. I've got dinner plans tonight after this. And when I said to Aaron, because I didn't even tell Aaron. I just, I live a very independent life. And he woke up this morning and take the bins out because it's, you know, bin day. And he just saw my car there and was like. On a Friday. No one's bin days on Friday. My bin day is Friday. But there was a bubble on holiday, so you'll probably find out it's tomorrow.

What was the bubble? Fuck, it will be. Okay, thank God. Anyway, so he texts me in the morning and was like, your car's still here. Are you all good? And I was like, oh, yeah, we're doing this cocktail special. And he said, oh, awesome.

I said, yeah, we're drinking cocktails and talking on the podcast. And he was like, cool. Just remember we've got dinner plans tonight. Because you know Hayley, she doesn't see the line coming and then she crosses it. And good Lord, good luck to you after that. She starts playing with her hair. If you see me playing with her hair,

just give me the look. Just remember, you've got dinner plans. Oh, there we go. We've heard a pup and a cork. A Raffino Prosecco. Yes. Let's carry on with our e-Christmas card shout outs.

Oh, oh. Jimmy. Ange Davis. Producer Jared, who has his headphones on, is not loving it. After we cut the last podcast, Carly and Jared just said to each other, we may need a trigger warning at the start of these podcasts. We may need a content warning.

Yeah, we may. Ange says, extremely long-term listener. I live in Raleigh with my fiance and two kiddos. Hardly get the time to listen live, and I lived overseas for a significant number of years, so I've always listened to the podcast. Kelda. Merry Christmas to the whole team.

Thanks for helping me get through a very tough year. With the giggles, your podcast is provided. Also, shout out to the Davies Gallagher family members. Aw, thank you. Highlight, had a tough year, to be honest, with multiple surgeries in the whole family, worse being my two spinal surgeries not long after a C-section. Front and back.

She's been cut open front and back. Oh, my God. My mum had spinal surgery this year. It's major. Thank you, Michael. It's insane. Oh, thank you very much, Michael. That looks like...

Cheers, ears. Cheers. It looks like wheeze or ginger ale. Your wheeze looks like that's the only thing I can see. Jesus, Han, drink a cup of water. Drink a cup of your thick water. That's what happens when you drink pleasure's thick water. His thick, milky city water.

It looks like you're having an excellent kidney failure. I shall not be held responsible for any UTIs after this day at all. Oh, my God, that. Not happy? No, I'm loving. Oh, yeah, it's good. Yeah, it's just Prosecco and Chambord. And Chambord is what?

It's a dark raspberry liqueur. Yes, it is raspberry. It's so nice. And do you know what it's really good in? A vodka mule. Like an affogato. Oh, yum. Like you make a Moscow mule with a little dash of shamboad.

That was my first lockdown drink of choice. We got into cocktail making in our lockdowns. Oh, God, I've still got a margarita to my left. This is the happiest time. Margarita to my left. Shamboad in my right, stuck in the middle with you. Sorry to hear, Ange, that you've had these surgeries. Sorry, let's pick up.

Ange was cut open front and back. Worst being, two spinal surgeries not long after a C-section, but huge highlight has been the dearth. The dearth? There he is. The dearth. The birth of our daughter, daughter Sophia to complete our family. Also watching our son Cooper blossom into an amazing big brother

has been so heartwarming. Everything has been worth it to have these two in our lives. They sound like they like each other like you and your brother. The things women go through to bring life into this world. I just can't ever imagine wanting a child. Literally wanting a child enough that I'd be like, cut me open, rip me apart. And then being like, and what a joy they are.

I feel like if I got cut like that, and shout out to everyone who goes through that. Shout out to anyone who gives birth in any way, front, back, through the side, whatever. But oh my God. And then to look at that kid and be like, I don't resent you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you know what I mean? Like when they're being a shit, when they're a teenager, you'd be like, I don't resent you. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Like when they're being a shit, when they're a teenager, but I was cut open for you. Yeah. Now my tits hit my waistband and I was being ripped apart. And I had a blood transfusion. Every time I sneeze and piss myself and I love you.

I can't imagine. But what a beautiful love that is. Next up is Kate. Kate says, I'm an Aussie living in Canberra, but about to move to Canada for two years with my partner, who is in the Australian Navy. Do you think that's why she lives in Canberra?

Because you never hear of any Kiwis that are like, I live in Canberra. They're always like, Perth, Melbourne, Brisbane. It looks beautiful, but boring, right? It looks boring. Everybody says Canberra's boring, but it looks beautiful. It's very green. Don't they do 24-7 fireworks? Is that a thing? They do fireworks around the clock,'s very green. Don't they do 24-7 fireworks? Is that a thing?

They do fireworks around the clock, yeah. What do you mean fireworks around the clock? 24-7? You can buy fireworks in convenience stores and stuff. Surely not. Surely I'm imagining that. Or they're the only state you can buy fireworks in for Guy Fawkes. I'm sure that was the fireworks was the drawcard.

And there'd be a lot of boring politicians. Yeah, it's like the most boring part of Wellington. It's like that part of, what is the street that leads down to Parliament? The leaky one? Very leaky. Lambton Quay. Despite some urban myths, fireworks have been banned in the Australian Capital Territory since 2009. Oh, shit.

That's a long time ago. Okay, so it's got nothing now. Yeah, and most states... So it's literally just boring now. It's a long time ago. Okay, so it's got nothing now. Yeah, and most states- So it's literally just boring now. It's just got civil servants. Right. And that's it. Yeah, so apparently most states in Australia ban fireworks.

I mean, it's tinder dry. The country is tinder dry. Yeah. Oh, yeah, don't do that. No. I always remember my cousin came. He lived in Australia, and he got flown back by himself, no parents, and stayed with my grandparents who were his grandparents, dude. How old was is he I think he was like nine but he went on a plane by

himself at nine yeah across the Tasman and I always remember it was Guy Fawkes and so my granddad was like we better buy some good Guy Fawkes this kid doesn't get Guy Fawkes and then like we set them all off and everything and at the end we're like what did you think and he was like I can't believe they sell this to the public at nine I I just can't seriously believe any Tom DeHarris. Oh, my God. Why are they selling this? Calm down. What is he, like 50?

He's a firefighter now. So it must have really stuck with him. Yep. It might have also been the fireworks with the Buzzy Bee fireworks. Chase my nan. We could have a fence on fire with one of those Buzzy Bees because they were the ones on the wall. No, no, no.

You're thinking of a Catherine Wheel. Those things used to go. Yeah. Yeah, they were terrible. We don't do them anymore because we've got a cat and he hates it. were terrible we don't do them anymore because we've got a cat and he hates it yeah we don't

do them anymore you've got too many animals yeah so Kate goes on to say dear Butch Hayley and the Matriarch of cuteness so this is a long time

long time what does that mean I'm too fresh for that Butch is what my daughter Indy I think I showed you that video this week of when my daughter Indy

was trying to say bleach and she called him Butch that's Butch I am him Butch. Butch. That's Butch. I am quite Butch, though. I am? Very Butch. Oh, my God.

I mean, these days more than ever. Mad track of cuteness was just a self-proclaimed nickname I gave myself prior to the sexy wheelbarrow. And I'm just Hayley. I'm yet to find my niche. Yeah, just Hayley. I'm just Hayley. Yeah, that's how long I've been listening.

Thanks for the laughs and the tangents. Enjoy your holidays. My highlight of my year was I moved in with my boyfriend, which is a big step when you're 47 and been living alone for ages. It's been an awesome step for both of us. And now she's about to move to Canada with him. I've already decided if I ever split from fiancé Aaron, I will live alone for the rest of my life.

I will take many a lover. I won't stop shagging. But no one's living with me ever again. It just sounds like you're describing my life. Yeah, I'm... I cannot be fucking with you. I will take many a lover. I won't stop shagging. But no one's living with me ever again. It just sounds like you're describing my life there. Yeah. Yeah. I've made this decision since knowing you and coming in and seeing your sick life.

Don't blame me. Don't blame me. Your wicked life. You don't have to accommodate anyone else. I've got a cat. I've got responsibilities. Oh, yeah, I know. Thank you.

And he's actually sitting next to me right now eating your couch. Maz! Can you Please stop him doing that Because he does poos and I see string in it He's eating the string Sometimes I see my couch in his poos And I'm like I'm not a good father

You have destroyed this you little shit The corner of your couch What about that corner This one's worse This is why I can't get a new couch Because he'll eat it Yeah don't worry about it Your couch rules So I just have to wait until he'll eat it. Yeah, don't worry about it. Your couch rules.

So I just have to wait until he dies, I guess. Stop. Oh my God, he heard that. Don't you listen. Do the right thing, Miles. Throw yourself out the window. He does sometimes get up pain. I know.

When the window's open. He just loves looking at the pigeons and looking at the birds. Don't do it. It's pretty cute. My next page was a repeat page. Oh my God, do we have... Esther Williams. That's pretty cute. My next page was a repeat page. Oh, my God. Esther Williams. I've got Esther.

Okay, Esther. Esther. That sounded like a Vaughan fault there. No, I got two of the same one. Esther said, I'm a 27-year-old. Are you guys also? Are you guys holding two? I'm seeing so much double.

I actually physically created the second copy that I believe to exist. I wished it into existence. Esther said, I'm a 26 year old from Auckland. Then she proclaims that she's boring. Aww. In brackets. Don't say that.

Merry Christmas to you three and the orphans. Who I believe are just coming back in. Have gone. No, they've gone. They've gone. Hello, Mr. Fletcher. Oh, my God. We keep going to leave and you keep talking about us.

Yeah. Mr Fletcher, that truth you gave me made me feel really sorry. I'm just looking after my brother. I will throw you two out the window. My brother stumbled his way past your car on the way out. I can speak for myself, bitch. Oh, my God, brother. Don't call me a bitch.

Oh, I'm sorry. We've only got each other in this world. We do. We always hurt those that we love the most. Aw. Don't we? God, this got depressing. I love you.

I love you, brother. This got very depressing. I'm going to go take my brother and put him to sleep. Okay. Goodbye. Bye. Bye. You're all right,'re alright get it out

me and my partner now fiance listen to the podcast together and we cry laugh sometimes there is something special

you don't fuck it again you're diminishing the compliments mate we cry laugh every time sometimes

what is with these I'm being short changed with these compliments. You've got it. You can read it. You can read it and take it on. You don't need to read it out.

Do you know, quite a lot recently, because I'm about to menstruate. Any second. Any second. I've been asking Aaron for a lot of like, tell me what you like about me. Oh, really? I've gone back to that. Do you know, I went home between work and recording this for a lot of like, tell me what you like about me. Oh, really? I've gone back to that. Do you know, I went home between work and recording this for a little bit.

Oh, because your wife and I are synced up. I think you're synced. Yeah. People will know by now, but I'm doing an ambassadorship for John Deere and the tractor was getting dropped off. I'm very, very excited about it. I get home and Sade said,

oh, quick, take all the stuff off the bench and tidy that up. What the fuck is with her and the bench? She's always wanting a clear bench. Haste of stuff on the bench. And I looked at her and I was like, we're about to menstruate, aren't we, Horne? Oh, babe. Horne, you're not wrong, but babe.

You're not wrong, but you're wrong. You've been married long enough to know you don't say that. I was just in a silly, exciting mood because the tractor was going to arrive and I was just like ready to stir the pot. And then she said it and she was like get your stuff off the fucking bench you know what Aaron did yesterday was

I got into the car next to him he looked at me and then did a double take and his eyes diverted to my pimple it was like look clock and I was like you prick he was like I don't know what you're saying and I was like don't stare at my pimple and he was like

I just caught it and I looked at it again I don't know I started to panic I was like it's not my fault anyway. Shade will do this this looks bad eh this looks bad and he'll be like a pimple or something and I'll be like I mean it doesn't look great but it's fine

and she'll be like why is she fucking ass lie to her I mean it doesn't look great but it's fine and she's like what? what are you why is she fucking ass? oh my god why is she fucking ass? lie to her it's like when I said to Aaron I was like

I wonder how much it's talking about stubborn fat and I would never ever do this but I was in a bad mood and I said you know sometimes I want you to get a bit

of liposuction now instead of Aaron just saying oh you don't need that you're beautiful he fucking googled it and said it's not that expensive that's a trap of Aaron just saying, no, you don't need that. You're beautiful. He fucking Googled it and said, it's not that expensive.

That's a trap because you said in my situation if I'd said that I would have got the same thing but if I'd said, God, no and Shardé would have said, it's all about the money with you.

There's no winning. You want to use you said a trap you put someone in a box. There's no win-win. No, the win was not Googling how fucking much it costs. Anyway, I've calmed now.

Okay, you're calmed now. Yeah. Let's do the podcast because as I mentioned, any second now, I'm going to have to menstruate. Okay, okay. Ellen is, wait a minute. Yes. Wait a minute, we didn't finish Estes.

Oh, we didn't. Ellen DeGeneres? There's something special about listening to three friends chat shit and make each other laugh for three hours. Keep doing what you're doing. Oh, thanks. Highlight. Again, he missed out three hours. Keep doing what you're doing. Oh, thanks. Again, he missed out a compliment. Hyphen, you're bloody good at it.

We didn't need that. I'll be the compliment deliverer. That's just for you. I'm seeing you skimming past this shit. We didn't read that shit out. It's awkward to read out. Highlight, my partner proposing after 10 years together in Busselton, WA.

Western Australia? Western Australia? Where I was born. Oh, lovely. That's awesome, Esther. Oh, my God. I waited nine years before I got proposed to, and I'm still waiting for the wedding,

but hopefully you won't wait as long, Esther. Well, no, you don't have long to wait, because as we mentioned before, Vaughan and I booked the flights. Flights booked. If you could make it one of those dates we're there, that'd be great. You haven't even told me the dates you're going.

We're there for, oh, that's not. Oh, my God, Esther. Okay, that's not. Oh, my God, Esther. Okay, that's beautiful. Busselton. Margaret River. Not what I was expecting. No, neither. Beautiful pier.

You mean a pier as in a civil engineering structure? Not like a similar to a wharf. Pier of titties. Yeah, beautiful pier of titties there. Busselton, beautiful pier of titties. You know what I think? Busselton. I think Busselton. yeah you're a beautiful pair of titties there yeah bustleton beautiful pair of titties yeah that's you know what I think what I think bustleton

I think bustleton yeah uh Alan says Ed Fletchford and Hayley thank you for another fun year I moved to the UK this year

but still listen to the podcast on my way to and from sorry just in the background Mike's cracking a beer Mike's cracking a beer this is my way of feeling a bit more connected back home

I hope you have a well deserved break but I also hope hearing this a couple of months before your break your break doesn't make you jealous

yeah that's nice highlight I continue to enjoy the running gag about the chopped chip plates what well no

when did we mention the chip plates last year when did we mention the chip plate at the first podcast special? We did. One of these podcast specials. Oh, yeah, one of these. Yeah.

That Sade's actively, as we speak, throwing them out. I should have checked on our locations as to where she was. Do you know what we should do tomorrow? Because I'm picking you up. Yeah. I'm picking you and Gay James up. The day after. Yeah, the day after tomorrow, we should BYO plates.

And so we refuse to eat off our plates I'll bring a plate you guys bring a plate each say they're dangerous and you don't eat off yeah we'll just be like hey like no offence

thank you for the hospitality because the bacteria gets into the chip into the porous surface of the ceramic and just for my own safety and I need to keep working provide for my family

we're all about the gut health we don't want whatever's in this chip exactly do you think if we double down on these chip plates because we've really only been to your house once working, provide for my family. We're all about the gut health. We don't want whatever's in this chip. Do you think if we double down on these chip plates, because we've really only been to your house once to complain about the plates, it'll just push her over the edge?

It's been a running gag for like two years, so. We've gotten the most out of those plates. Grumpy Lisa. Do we hear from Grumpy Lisa in the... She'd be too grumpy to celebrate Christmas, wouldn't she? She's too grumpy to sit down and send us a nice message Trina is next Trina Wilkinson

I'm from Otutahi Christchurch I'm an intermediate school teacher and I love my family friends my American bulldog and my partner

notice the partner was last on the list there Yeah Dead last probably should have done that in a different order Ah yes Oh there you go

Yeah Oh I believe Trent, is this Samoan? Where? Manuia le kereserimasi. Oh, it must be. Manuia le kereserimasi.

Because in Maori, it's kereserimasi. Yeah. Kereserimasi. To Lord Aadva crew, long story, and family, I'm half Samoan,

so way too many to list. So maybe, yeah, I believe that may be Merry Christmas in Samoan. I hope everyone has an amazing Christmas. Keep safe. Be kind and family. I'm half Samoan, so way too many to list. So maybe, yeah, I believe that may be Merry Christmas and Samoan. I hope everyone has an amazing Christmas. Keep safe. Be kind and merry. Thanks for the laughs and the good times. A Christmas cocktail to make is a pomegranate rosemary gin sparkler. I love

rosemary in a cocktail. I made a cocktail the other day with lemon and thyme. Thyme. Hear me out. It was delicious. You've got to add sweetness though to kind of balance the savoury of a noob. Counteract the fact that you're drinking a roast. You're drinking a beautiful chicken roast. Her highlight was getting engaged.

That's nice. That's lovely. That's nice for her. Remember, when you do get round to the wedding, catering, very important. Catering important. Especially if you're a homosexual, you famously under-cater. Police in the background. Yeah, the police outside.

Always. That's all. You hear that every day. That's it. Yeah. Have you ever been engaged before, Fletch? No. Have you?

Yes, I'm engaged currently. No, but before this. No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Wouldn't put it past emo Hayley to have had an engagement with Courtney. Do you know, I remember thinking. Yeah, I know, I know, I know. It was very me.

Before I, like my first ever boyfriend me before I like my first ever boyfriend who was like my first love I remember distinctly lying in my single bed in my house that I grew up in and being like

he's the one like I'm gonna marry this person Is that the one that turned gay? No he wasn't he didn't turn gay I've had a few turn gays

He didn't make a full turn he just pulled over on the side of the road sucked a guy off and then continued No he didn't turn gay But I've had a few turn gays. He didn't make a full turn. He just pulled over on the side of the road, sucked a guy off and then continued. No, he didn't turn gay. But Hayley has been responsible for giving a couple of the gay community citizens.

Already you're boosting numbers. I gave one of them my best. I did my absolute best. That was written in the stars. He was like, oh, I don't know what's going on. I was like, it's okay, it's okay. I probably had a little bit too much to drink. Just batten at your tips and say.

I know. Just getting up. I'm like, what is that? Trying to wank you off. What are you doing to that? You're like, oh, no. No, try your best. That's not quite going to work like that.

Yeah, I know. Oh, goodness me. Well, let's leave it there for this episode. Why do we always leave it On my Sexual situations Oh my god Mum, dad If you're listening To these Christmas podcasts

They won't be Patsy wouldn't No I was just gonna say Half of this happened In your house But it doesn't work Oh Jesus Christ Don't worry about it